Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-3-11

Episode Date: October 4, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about getting a new place, the Red Sox collapse, and raider fans.

Some people say the metaverse will only be virtual, but one day firefighters will use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings faster, saving crucial seconds when lives are at risk. Doctors will use the metaverse to visualize scans and make quicker decisions in A and E. And though woolly mammoths are extinct, in the metaverse students will go back to the ice age to visit them. The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at Meta.com slash Metaverse Impact. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday,

October 3rd, 2011. How are ya? How's it going? You hear that echo? Echo! Yo! Woo! I'm in a new place. I moved. No more angry old guy beneath me. I'm in a new place and it's sparsely furnished. I'm sitting in an old chair so it's gonna be creaking a little bit during the podcast. I actually got out of it because I just realized that sonically that could be a little annoying. Yeah, moved to a new place. Little bigger, little better, right? The American dream still existing, you know? Instead of taking giant leaps, you take little steps, little baby steps. Ooh, look at that. The kitchen's about six inches bigger. No, I'm psyched. First

time in my fucking life I don't have some cunt living below me or above me. So you know what that means. All I gotta do is piss off my neighbors and I think I'll be all right. No, we got a nice place. So we're psyched. My girl's happy, which is a great thing. As a guy, you know that's a great thing. You know, you get something new and shiny and what are they? And then they're happy and then your life is great. That's all you want. You just want them to be happy. Maybe if they're happy, they'll stop fucking bitching at me. Maybe that'll stop, you know? But you know how broads are. You know they are. No matter how cool they are,

how fucking hot they are. Eventually they find something. Eventually they find something, you know? And you're sitting there and you're listening to them talking and you're nodding. You're nodding your head, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, I'll work on that. Yeah, definitely I'll work on that. And in your head, you're just sitting there going like, really? Really? It's fucking unreal. I swear to God. I swear to fucking God. I was talking to Paul Versey about this the other day. We were on the phone joking about this shit. Going, I bet Donald fucking Trump gets nagged, you know? Sitting there looking out the fucking helicopter window

that has his goddamn name on it, right? And his fucking wife is probably sitting next to him. If he's even married, whatever, his fucking girlfriend. He likes those Transylvania hotties. That Olga kind of chicks, whatever. He's just staring out the window of his fucking chopper, right? Just fucking sitting there shaking his head. You know, whole head moving, two-paste, sitting still, you know, right on top of his head on a swivel, right? And she's just fucking sitting there nagging him. You know, I just thought you could have been a little more social. It's like I was having those. Those are my friends, okay? Those are my friends. Those

people are important to me. The same way you are, okay? You have to accept all of me. Donald, stop looking at your skyscrapers. I'm talking to you here. This is us, okay? I ain't just, ooh, you're the Don. You have a hit show, okay? This is us, okay? This is your foundation. Well, I don't feel like you're listening to me because I'm staring at the back of your orange hair, okay? Okay, I'm sorry. I know hair is sensitive to you. It's just, I'm emotional right now and I felt that when I was going to invite my friends over and you were like, oh my god. Right? And then they go into that shit, right? Now, here's a little quiz for you, fellas. Why did

that fictitious bitch start crying in that fictitious monologue? Why did she cry? I'll give you a couple seconds to come up with it. Was it because she was really sad? I feel like I'm giving a lecture right now. This is really sending my ego through the fucking roof. Why did she cry? Was it because she felt like he didn't love her? Was it because she was truly upset that he wasn't nice to her friends? Or was it because she took the argument to a place where she knew she was wrong by bringing up his fucked up hair? That's what it was. So then she just, oh my god, I'm gonna start losing this. So then they immediately go to the tears.

That's what they do. They're terrible, awful, living things with a vagina. No, I'm kidding. Anyways, but I'm not kidding about why she cried. Alright, so there it is. So that's what you have to do as a guy. You have to assess why she's crying. Am I being a dick? If you're being a dick and she starts crying, that's when you go in and you hold them and you tell them you're sorry. Alright, and say please don't cry. But if it's got nothing to do with fucking anything, it's just a manipulative technique to make you feel like you're the Hulk, you know, when you're screaming in their face. Alright, so you don't always have to go in for the

hug. You don't always have to do it. Just stand back and assess the situation. Like one of them fucking coordinators on the sidelines. Speaking of sports, what a weakened sports. What a weakened sports. Oh, the highs and the lows. Jesus Christ, first, first things first. I know I'm a little late on this story. The story's over, but what a fucking, how about them red socks, dude? Huh? Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ, what a fucking epic, epic collapse. But you know what? It's all part of the balance. That's what happens. You know, I was actually in Boston during it, you know, and, you know, it's the usual shit. Everybody fucking

upset. Everybody whining, everybody crying and that type of shit. There's a lot of good that's going to come out of this. You know, first things first. One of the great things is when something like this happens, when your team collapses to the historical epic, epic level that the red socks collapsed. One of the great things is, is you reconnect with people that you have not heard from in many years. Like for me, I have a lot of friends who are Yankee fans and a lot of them, for some reason, I haven't heard from them since, gee, I don't know, game three of 2004. I think that's the last time I heard from a lot of them, you know, and out of

nowhere, they start fucking calling me up, you know, fucking Boston. And, you know, it was great about them whining and crying was I really saw how much it was annoying them over the last few years that Boston was having this level of fucking success. And they were sending me all these really bad, hey, why don't you fucking be careful when you eat your baked beans in Boston, because you might choke like the red socks did, you know, those awful texts your friends send you that they think they're being funny. It's like, why would you try to make a comedian laugh? And first of all, if you're going to go that route, why would

you bring up Boston baked beans? Why wouldn't you bring up the racism in Boston and somehow can, you know, and combine it with Ted Williams upside down frozen head? That's the direction I would have gone in. And then all you hacks on fucking Twitter, who are now going to do it, you know, go ahead and do it. I don't give a fuck. All right, it's not your idea. You're too fucking stupid to come up with that. I mean, how just sitting there his fucking head on top of a tuna can with his nose broke off. It was right there. It was right there. You know, you could you really could have been meaner. But anyways, but

the great thing about Yankee fans bringing it up is no matter how bad the fucking Red Sox choke, it can never be worse than the biggest fucking choke of all time. The 2004 New York Yankees, that was the greatest fucking aside from just beating them in 04. That was the greatest thing because you can never you can't top that fucking choke. You would have to have a fucking 220 million dollar team with six first ballot Hall of Famers. And then somehow you'd have to fuck it. I don't know what you'd have to do. You'd have to find a fucking team that hasn't won it in 86 years. I guess the Cubs you could do it to the Cubs. I

don't know what that's why to me, the Yankees will that will always be the biggest choke I've ever fucking see ever fucking see. That was like Hollywood movie choking. As far as what the Red Sox did, that was the biggest collapse in September. Who gives a fuck? You know, the Mets do it every goddamn year. The Cubs did it in 69. I'll tell you right now that collapse unlike the ones before we started winning titles, it didn't bug me for longer than who do you know something I'm so full of shit right now. You guys. And when was the last time I talked baseball on this podcast? I don't even watch it. I maybe watch four innings. This

is how fucked up I am. I actually started watching the Red Sox for the first time since Ortiz tested positive for not Royds, whatever he tested positive for. But you know, I'm sure it wasn't for vitamins. I just I just said fuck baseball. I was just like, All right, look, either make Royds legal or get them out of the game, but stop getting me excited about shit. And then three years later telling me it really didn't count. I just said forget it. Who gives a fuck? Do I do? I really want to watch the Yankees and Red Sox battle each other every fucking year until the end of time. It's boring. It's over. We beat him even with this

shit. All they can be you fucking collapse. They can't chant a year at me. They can't chant 2007. There's no stupid curse or whatever. There's nothing. It's over. You fucking choked. What the fuck are you going to do? Right? But you know, I there's actually there's there's a silver lining to this choke and that I think it needed to happen because there's going to be a cleansing. You know, as the Red Sox ship started sinking, all these pink Red Sox wearing fucking that stupid song they sing in the seventh inning that no fucking Red Sox fan that I grew up with whatever. It's fucking embarrassing. And you fucking sitting

there with your girls head on your shoulder as you're sitting there dressed head to toe and Red Sox shit. The only thing you're missing is fucking cleats. What the fuck is I don't even get me started with that shit. Those people who dress up for games, you know, like those stupid fucking Raider fans. What are they doing? Do they understand how it went from one of the scariest places you could ever play to now looking? It looks like a musical. Looks like a Broadway musical. Like I look at that and all I I don't think intimidating. I think Phantom of the Opera. I really wish I knew some of that music. I'm sure a

lot of the people in the black hole and they stand up for the whole game. Do they? Hey, look, it's Darth Vader. Gee, I don't know if I can catch this football now. Raider Nation. You guys have the best fucking uniforms and all the football. You have the best logo. You have the baddest fucking tradition. And I don't know what you guys did to it. You need to get those sci fi road warrior wannabes out of your stadium and you got to go back to looking like the fucking Hells Angels like you used to be. You know, look, I'm not gonna say I'm not gonna lie to you. I was actually gonna go to the Patriots game

up there with the buddy of mine and he's like, dude, we're not wearing any Patriots shit. I go fuck. Fuck no. This is the West Coast. The shit isn't fun out here. People get stabbed. They get shot. You lose an eye. They're out of their fucking minds. All right, but I can tell you right now, Boba Fett is not doing that shit. Okay, or the guy with his fucking shoulder pads and his fake spikes coming out of it. Oh, with your bandanas in your face makeup. You know, I love about those guys is I just want to see a you know, when they're their alter ego, you know,

like when they're in Burt Ward mode, and they're just waddling down the street going to work, you know, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I think you guys need to go back to looking like fucking Ken Stabler and Jack Tatum. You know, you really should go back to that. And you know something, I'm actually being I'm not being fair to Oakland Raider fans right now because I've been to a game up there and most of them look that way. And I actually talked to a couple of them and they fucking can't stand those guys who dress up like they're in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. And typical TV, typical TV, who do they put on? Do

they put on the real Raider fan who's just sitting there maybe with the Raider t shirt or just dressing with the black t shirt and looks like he'd slice your throat, you know, like a normal, upstanding Raider fan looks like No, who do they put on? They put on the guy dressed like the chef on the Muppet Show. With a fake scar painted on his dude at one point they had some guy I was watching the game in this douchebag is just sitting there this face painted and he's like Raider's Raider Nation. It's like what happened to you? You know what happened is balls dried up. There's there's a point like they don't really

talk about this in health class in high school. You get to a point where you're such a douchebag and it's been so long since you actually laid down with the woman that your balls turn into sawdust and the estrogen levels go up and the next thing you know you you go out and you buy a little vanity and you're like I just don't want to go to a football game. I want to go there and character five six seven eight chenille. Oh god help me the next time I go up to the Bay area so anyway so we were gonna go to the game and they say it and right off the bat I'm like dude I'm not wearing any patch shit and the dudes like yeah

absolutely not you know what why would you do that to yourself you know why would you do especially out on the West Coast where you get shot stabbed or you lose your fucking eye so he came up with his great plan I ended up not going up there but I want to pass this on to my listeners here this is a great thing that you can do especially when you know your team's gonna win you go there dressed in the other team's colors and then you act upset when your team is kicking the shit out of them that's what I was gonna do I wasn't gonna wear a Raiders thing I was gonna go there in a black black thermal and it's Tom Brady was marching

up and down the field and everybody around me was going oh what the fuck I be like yeah come on watch they're probably gonna score again oh great just what we needed you know it's funny nobody would have noticed no one would ever stop and go wait a minute this guy looks like a fucking leprechaun we don't have any redheads and in fucking Oakland this guy's a double agent they never would have been able to figure it out you know why cuz they would have too much makeup in their eyes all right so anyways what's next I know this is heavy on the sports don't worry but I started off with the broads the fuck is

next oh the jets J ETS jets jets jets I'm not giving them shit all year some people saying oh shit on the jets cuz they lost or whatever I'm not doing it cuz Rex Ryan's not talking shit so I don't give a fuck good for them and plus you know so I got I got I don't think the Patriots I don't think you match up well with those guys it's not gonna surprise me at all if we lose because our defense looks like fucking water our defense is oh we're okay against the run we're okay against the run but you know if you just want to throw like a fucking 30-yard floater it you know you just want to go out there

and sit down in our zone you know it's a lot of pockets but I gotta say this I gotta say this was I right or was I right about Mark Sanchez I'm sure he's a great guy I'm sure he makes a hell of a Salisbury steak you know I'm sitting there watching ESPN okay and I've been saying it for years I'm like the way to beat the jets is you have to go up by two scores touch down on a field goal that's all you need and then all of a sudden mock has to be a quarterback and he has to make something happen he can't just manage the game and be like don't throw a pic don't throw a pic mark and just fucking throw it out of bounds he has to

try and do something all right well this year you know they lost a couple of players on D they got a couple injuries now all mark has to be captain come back and you know I was watching today on ESPN they said you know when you when you're running games not working and you can only hit intermediate passes and you can't throw the ball deep that's gonna be easy to defend against and I'm sitting there on the couch going say it say it just fucking say it he's not as good as you tried to tell me that he was okay and New Yorkers if you ever wondered why everybody fucking hates you guys all right yes we are jealous of your fucking

awesome city it is awesome all right but not because you're there before you puff out your mantits all right this is why I can't stand New York because if you play sports in New York City if you just scratch your ass they call you a fucking star it's ridiculous if Mark Sanchez played for the fucking Seahawks if he played for the Chiefs if he was down there in Texas playing for them fucking Texas down in Houston why you wouldn't hear a fucking word about that guy all right but all of a sudden he plays in New York and he's got dreamy eyes man you stay start ramming him down my throat like he says fucking super

star very fast guy very elusive difficult to sack I'll give him that shit all right one's last time you saw him throw a frozen rope put that fucking ball he does the back shoulder thing oh he's all right you know well everybody down there saying he's a fucking star give me a goddamn break all right give me a fucking break that guy is is upper mediocre all right if I had to do the top tears here in quarterbacks all right Brady Manning and you can have the debate and you can't even listen to me because I'm a Patriots fan I always put Brady on top because I like the rings I like the shiny stuff I'm like a gold

diggin whore when it comes to being a fucking sports fan here right so those two guys are at the top right behind them and soon to overtake them just because eventually you get too fucking old is Aaron Rodgers Drew Brees and then that next group I don't know I would put who would I put in there I'd put Maddie Ice even though his knees fucked up he's having a rough year I don't fucking I'm so bad with the goddamn names this year you know as funny as I actually rolled out of bed yesterday and made my picks and I went three and oh tonight I'm looking to go for now to take a two-game lead against Paul Versey Paul

Versey from New Jersey New Jersey zone Paul Versey that's his dream in life to someday live in New Jersey right on that drive to Newark Airport he wants to live near those big giant fucking oil basins whatever hell you call him and Mark Sanchez I would put him in the next group so if there's the top three tiered people I didn't really put everybody else in there I don't know where to put Michael Vic Michael Vic is a fucking like I don't know he's like in his own lane but he's he suffers from Chad Pennington itis where he like Chad was born a winner he can make things happen but he has bird bones and you

just fucking bump into that guy and something breaks I don't know what it is I don't know the guy just can't fucking stay healthy so oh I know I know what else I put in I put Phillip Rivers I put him in there I put him above Matt Matt Ryan obviously just from the experience guys like that I put in there but I mean I would rather have Phillip Rivers than I wouldn't mark Sanchez and they're sitting there throwing this guy down my goddamn throat while his defense is winning games he's like fucking Jim McMahon Jim McMahon walking around with spiked hair and sunglasses on while his fucking defense shuts everybody down oh

gee did you win the game Jimmy all right okay I think I think I think we've discussed this enough haven't we is this enough sports for you gonna get a lot of emails about that oh my god dude enough with the sports fucking blue go fuck yourselves um oh anyways I don't know what's going on with my podcast last week the file was too big I was at my parents house and I wasn't able I don't know like two two things happened it was the perfect storm I was at my parents house with their fucked up internet God bless them love them to death greatest parents ever but their internet leaves something to be desired and then my

computer was totally full and this I couldn't erase anything so I couldn't really turn it into an mp3 so when I uploaded it it was way too fucking big and then all these these computer sleuths on my Twitter were giving me shit going Joe Rogan does for our podcast Kevin Smith does three and it's like it had nothing to do with how long it was gonna play it had to do with the fact that I didn't turn it into an mp3 I put it up I put up the director's cut I don't know how many megabytes gigabytes I don't know anything about that shit but evidently it was it was so big that iTunes for some reason then has to douche

my entire podcast off of iTunes I swear to God iTunes it's like it's like date and a hot chick that just so fucking temperamental over there and for what I have no idea it's why they're they they are the way they are I have I have no idea there's all kinds of technology out there where you can go around fucking iTunes so I don't know where they get off walking around with their fucking computer noses in the air but I gotta tell you this is one podcaster I'm getting a little sick of it I'm sitting downstairs in an empty room with headphones on like I'm doing pirate radio right now I just realized that in a

squeaky squeaky old chair all right but to me that's an upgrade it's a fucking upgrade anyways what else can I talk about here oh by the way I want to thank the 43,000 people who sent me that story about how the world's largest sperm bank has been turning away the jizz of redheads okay bank biggest sperm world's biggest sperm bank tells redheads we don't need your semen you know fucking degrading that is just showing up to jerk off into a Dixie cup and they turn you away like no that's all right that's that's like telling a stripper to put a clothes back on it's fucking horrific you know but

for some reason like people think that that affects my life it doesn't all right they turn away a lot of fucking people okay if you got different shit in your family they turn you away and not to mention I gotta tell you as a guy that story has no effect on you okay as far as your jizz I guess yeah I can't sell my jizz to a sperm bank I mean how what sort of financial fucking crisis am I gonna be in where I'm going down to a Dwayne Reed steel and lube and then limping into a sperm bank to fucking shoot something into a goddamn graduated cylinder you know really I can't fucking do that you think I give a

fuck let me tell you something this is what I've learned this is what I learned in life okay if you're making money the ladies want your fucking jizz I don't give a fuck what you look like you could be a one-eyed bald midget troll they wanted in them all right trust me so any redhead who took that in a bad fucking way just go out and make something yourself I'm telling you you'll get a fucking 10 and you'll dump a fucking nice unwanted spooge right in her that was disgusting yet pro redhead how do you like that everybody pro fucking redhead I just love I just love how many people sent me that story like I

swear to God I said 40,000 but it had to at least be a hundred and that's one of the things that I love about the internet and I hate it at the same time because the internet I swear to God allows adults to act the same way you acted when you were in like kindergarten or first grade on the playground where you were just completely uninhibited and you were mean remember that shit you just walk up to somebody be like I don't like your face right you could just be that and then when you get older you still think that you start you're sitting there in the boardroom going this guy with his fucking face his stupid fucking

tie right you think child is shit but because you're older and mature you don't say it you know because you know you got debt you don't want to get fired oh he's doing a great job they told the boss he didn't like his face that'd be hilarious why did you get fired from your last job you know you have to tell him some childish shit like that well the great thing is about the internet is it allows you to tap back into that part of you you know and and actually and then debunk the fucking myth that when you become an adult you still don't think those thoughts that you did when you were in first grade because you're now

you're older and mature you still think of me just program not to fucking say him so I don't know at first I was like what the fuck and then by the time I the 11th person sent it to me and then actually this this story broke like like two weeks ago and like two weeks in is people are still sending me this story that's what made me find the internet fucking place the fact that somebody's gonna listen to this podcast and then send it to me on Twitter after it that's like that that's literally that I don't like your face nana nana shit that's just out of its fucking childish and 99.9 it's just fucking

hilarious can anybody explain I think that's why well maybe it's cuz guys are childish why I think guys are so funny is because we have the fucking maturity level I don't give a fuck what we're doing in our lives how much responsibility we have how much money we're making how good a husband or a father or anything like that we are we're still immature as hell unless you just a fucking boring douche anyways like I had a bunch of guys over yesterday watching the games oh by the way underrated for the weak fucking direct TV and getting the NFL Network people I don't give a shit what your landlord says put a fucking dish

on the side figure out a way to do it steal somebody else's direct TV I got it is fucking phenomenal it's for not it's like your own sports bar it's the greatest fucking thing ever except you can just sit there and chill you don't have to fucking sit there and listen to all those idiots who ruin the game you know you know those idiots those jersey wearing ball watching jackasses you know who like something happens and then they yell at your table all day they do that shit some tub of shit who couldn't even catch a basket of potato skins if you underhanded it to him like he was a fucking three-year-old all of that shit

oh I'm one of the last times I went to a sports bar it was when the Saints were on their run and all of a sudden for the first time in my life I saw Saints fans you know and they all got their brand new fucking jerseys on typical sports bar fans brand new fucking jerseys on going who that who that who that think they're gonna be damn saints it's just like where under what fucking rock did you crawl what where the fuck are you bad right ball watching jackasses you get the NFL package you don't have to deal with it anymore you don't have to fucking deal with it anymore I got I got that and I got the NHL package and that's what

I'm doing I'm gonna get the MLB package when that comes around I am gonna have a $400 a month cable bill and I'm gonna sit there with the with the fucking Nirvana like look on my face as I pay that cable bill every year I am every month I am done with sports bars I don't know why the fuck you would ever go why the fuck you would ever go what do you want to see you want to see the sports bar whores those are some of my favorite ones isn't that great how women can make anything look sexy you know those girls they come there and they tie their fucking jerseys off and they put some grease under their eyes and he just in

a little fucking ponytail and they act like they're there to watch the game when they're really there you know just to test their pussy power just to kind of walk around get everybody all fucking worked up I went to a place out here a few weeks ago down on Melrose called parlor live and I don't know I don't know if I'm getting old or what but it was a fucking mob scene you know something if I was in my 20s I would go down there because there was a ton of hot chicks down there you know and isn't that what you want as a guy some hot chick with a fucking ponytail who actually watches sports you know so I

guess you know what I just realized I was too fucking old to go down there because I literally went down there and I was like what is why the TV so loud turn it down I can't hear myself back um whatever all I'm saying is I'm telling you if you're younger you're in your 20s just don't don't go drink it for a couple weekends pull that money together with your roommates and go out and get a dish you fucking douchebags I'm telling you all right and then what you do is you have people come you have those fucking sports horse come over to your place there's your TV three feet over oh there's your this there's your bedroom

it's right fucking there then they're already used to coming over to your place if you hang out with them another night and you invite them up the place is already familiar oh shit I think I'm on to something all right this is what you do if you're in your 20s pull your money together with the other fucking slob of a roommate or slobs all right this is the big thing you invite your friends over and they bring their broads over to all right this is to get laid by the way because I know a lot of sports fans will be like you don't want any girls there because they're just gonna talk during the game and shut up during

the commercials I understand that but if you want to bang a couple of them this is what I do you get that shit and the big thing is make sure your fucking apartment is clean make it immaculate all right there's nothing that dries up a pussy like a dirty apartment I'm telling you if they walk in and they feel that they're gonna fuck inside of a laundry bag that they're out they are out the door and if you try to make a move you have a 30% chance that they're gonna scream rape all right all that shit that everybody says is for fucking quiz get sent it can't get something some sort of fucking decent smell going on in

there take the shit from your male friends when they come in like dude it smells like a fucking candlestore would you pull that thing out of your ass take that shit right all you have to show is a in your 20s all you got to do is show remotely some level of fucking maturity and I'm telling you you're in the goddamn game there's something about him he dresses nice his department is clean I think he's worthy of entering my vagina right what the fuck do I know huh what do I know the world doesn't want my sperm why would you listen to me oh this just in the world says fuck you bill fuck you and your red nuts we don't want

him oh my god how much of an egomaniac am I that that doesn't even bug me then I actually find it funny the world just said no to me and I still feel good about myself what kind of a man has an ego to that level I'll tell you the kind of man who has the balls to do a podcast by himself who actually thinks he's fucking interesting for an hour all right let's let's plow ahead here I got a I got an email here from a fat fuck would you guys like to hear it do you like to hear if you knew to my podcast if you actually able to find this thing if iTunes actually allowed me back into their fucking Internet universe oh I'm

sorry this isn't a fat fuck this is from a former fat fuck huh let's just stop here how about a round of applause for alliteration that's why fat fuck you know what I mean it's just like a fucking two-punch combo to your chest just get out of the way you fat fuck you know fat fuck where's it fucking 12 ounce gloves right to your mantis you fat fuck Bill I am a former fat fuck as such I can totally understand your frustration with with that planet that you had to sit next to on your flight if that guy's gonna fly then he has to buy two seats he will willingly buy twice the portion of food when he's out so

accordingly he should buy twice the amount of ass space ah God bless this guy God bless this guy let's hope I can actually read this a little bit better I'll try not to move around in this old chair here there's a reason that big people die younger and get more diseases it's because your fucking body isn't built to hold that amount of weight it's fucking horrific for your health I have no sympathy for people that are blatantly shoveling sugar and fat into their gullets with no regard for their health or attempt to get in shape which brings me to this overrated being obese and not giving a fuck saying it's

genetics and you have a slow metabolism go for a fucking walk every night and eat a salad that's what I've been saying underrated overweight people getting into shape and making serious efforts to improve their health what does he say I am 21 years old about six feet tall and used to weigh just under 300 pounds about about two years ago when my weight peaked I decided to get my shit under control and lose some fucking weight now I'm down to 205 good for you and my girlfriend is a hot 25 year old hell yeah go with me oh is this an advice thing that I just sorry guys I think I think I just went into advice here or did I cut

part of that off I don't know I don't know that I had another guy another fact I emailed me and just said he's given into being fat but he's still he still buys two seats and he's actually considerate with the people around him so you know what I think I was a little too mean on the fatties I did I did what everybody does I judge fatties the way the world judged my sperm you know see people this is why this is why my podcast is so mean this is why I don't give a shit about other people's feelings this is why I say cry me a fucking river I don't give the world just said no to my giz the fucking world there's

people out there okay they're shitting on the side of the road after they fucking you know skip out of a bamboo hut okay I come up with my giz I'm all set I'm gonna wait for something better there's people in fucking Columbia Venezuela who those people that out what's his face help helped out Escobar they were living at the dump they were living in a junkyard he went out and built him a small city those people also said no to my giz this just in the world says no so I just don't I don't have any fucking I just don't have any sympathy yet I do I understand people don't be fat fucks you know the same way you understand that

you'd like the world to welcome your giz as opposed to saying no to it all right let's move on to to advice so if you take any of this shit personally like that douchebag who went to that one guy's comedy show and he had to apologize to the world don't be that way all right listen to a serious podcast then because I don't I don't want to hear but I don't I really don't hear from you all right advice mr. Burr I call you Bill but I don't fucking know you I like this a little bit of respect I'm at a decision point in my life and need your advice I'm an active duty military officer I was married but the horrible cunt had an

affair and now I'm on my own living the fucking dream no kids yeah live in your own with no kids young man still in that military shape who right you still running the obstacle course that's a good fucking thing you got that high and tight fucking haircut you should be all right dude that could have been way worse you could have married that cunt and then she cheats on you and you had kids and for 18 years you got a substance that subsidize her life you know like she's a 35 year old second grader so you got off good man you live in the dream anyways he says I'm 28 year olds now 28 year old 28 years old now and have

shit for game making finding chicks chicks or even wet holes difficult oh I remember this one this guy's very graphic your podcasts are making it better the problem is this I can either stay in the military or try and get out staying in means I deploy fighting useless wars and move every two to four years I'm at the point in my life where I want to start working on a family and there are there are few women who are willing to sign up to be a military wife also raising a kid under those conditions means she'll be a hooker or he'll hit women all right I have a little job satisfaction but high security and I

have a little job satisfaction but I have high security and good pay the economy blows but I've got a bit saved up to make the leap I have no fucking clue what I would do on the outside and don't have any passions please offer some advice or if not just rant about the useless wars we fight all right well look dude if I ran about wars at the end of the day I'm not in the Pentagon all I have is my conspiracy theory which is basically I just you know and it's not original I just feel like sociopaths are on the world and that they start rumors about other things and they get us to hate people and then all the regular

people the regular guys who you see in a sports bar they end up fighting each other that's what it seems like to me but I can't say this it's not always wrong what we supposed to do we supposed to just sit back and let Hitler do his thing were we supposed to allow communism to spread forcefully down people's throats were we supposed to fucking do that I don't think we were are we supposed to sit back and let people knock down our buildings I don't think we should but can you solve that by going over there and then bombing other people who didn't necessarily do it I don't fucking know I'm just a jackass

comedian all right so with that let's let's talk about smaller shit here all right I get what you say it all right you've done your time you want to get out but it's a shit economy you got some money saved up all right those are all good things not having passions that's not a good thing you don't you don't have any dreams you don't sit around like what's the thing that you dream about most you know that you actually have a talent for you know and I don't mean like the usual shit that I dream about like fucking you know walking into a bar and beating up the toughest guy you know you know saving some damsel in

distress and when she says no wait I didn't even get a chance to thank you I walk off like the Lone Ranger and then Oprah wants to interview me and I turn her down and I say well that's not the reason why I did it okay Oprah and then everybody just goes wow what a swell guy but we still don't want your sperm I'm not talking about that kind of shit all right I'm talking about like anything from have you ever done landscaping and just been like I like being outside anything like that I like working with my hands I'm good with numbers anything like I don't know what it is I listen to music and I can tell which way it's

going maybe I'm good at music like you got to figure out where your talent lies you know and then you go in that direction that's my theory because if you don't I think you end up just as some drone sitting in a cubicle not fucking happy like I make fun of cubicles and that type of shit but like you know if you just want that some people just like listen I just want to get married I want to have kids and I want to stable fucking job I'll go in the cubicle and I'll sit here around the fucking water bubbler and have a great fucking time there's not no problem with that but if it's sucking the life out of you my

theory about that is that you have a talent that you are suppressing so I mean none of this shit's really funny but I I would I wouldn't walk away you know in this economy necessarily from that I would you got to figure out what the fuck you're good at you know this is very you know what it is this is very generic advice because you gave me very general you gave me it's really big but as far as the broads all you got to do is you have you got to get over the fear of bombing that's how you become a good comedian is when you go on stage and you get out of the mindset of okay if I do this what if what if they don't laugh

what if they don't laugh then they don't laugh and then you just learn how to fucking deal with it's the same thing with hitting on women what what if she says no then you move on to the next one the next show who gives a fuck and you just learn and and just have a fucking sense of humor about it there's something fucking hilarious that as a man you have to convince somebody to have sex with you as opposed to a broad who can just lay down on the table hey wants it right they don't need they don't need any game they don't have any game they don't have to have any game you know but as a guy you got to convince people so

just you know what are they gonna do you know what are they gonna do I mean don't be rude but then they're not just gonna wind up and beat the shit out of you because they don't want to go out with you all they can do is like yeah now I mean yeah you get rejected think you can't who gives up I just got rejected by the fucking world and I got to sit here and cheer you up you should be fucking cheering me up you got the balls to fight a fucking war you know of the balls to approach some fucking ditzy chicks sit leaning up against the bar with the fuck did she ever do she even pay for her drinks she should be

approaching you you're a goddamn war hero sir you know what I'm done with you you ought to be ashamed of yourself for fucking accomplishing all this other shit and then being you know you're like a fucking elephant standing on a goddamn kitchen table looking down at a mouse step on that bitch there we go all right I'm done with that squeaky chair and all I'm done with it all right next one Bill I'm currently living with my brother and I'm 22 when he's 20 over the past year I've noticed that when I come home from school my laptop isn't where I left it oh my god if this guy's jerking off on your computer I haven't read this one yet

is he watching internet porn that's where I'm guessing this is going it's not in the place because my brother is using it to access online poor and then porn and then masturbate I swear to god I haven't read this yet but where else was it gonna go what do you think he's doing going in there and reading about turtles my brother is using it to access online porn and then masturbate to said material I have caught him masturbating on my bed twice first in the act and later walking out of my room hurriedly with a red face and his belt undone oh my god this isn't a moral issue I have no problem with pornography and we'll be looking at it myself later this evening however I have told him

explicitly and on multiple occasions to not use my bed and laptop to do this to himself his response is always an embarrassed laugh and a promise that he'll stop which he never seems to keep do you have any advice on how to keep him and his filthy hands away from my room and my computer I know I'm not being selfish and asking too much of him Jesus Christ what do you guys have any boundaries the fact that you're even questioning or not even I know I'm not being selfish and asking too much you don't have to fucking you don't have to bring that up that goes without saying this is what I would do I don't know where you work but I would take my laptop to work

tuck it under your shoulder bring it to work put it someplace safe and I would get a lock on my door put a lock on the door you know and you tell him if he even tries to fuck with that lock anybody who comes over you're gonna say you know why I got a lock on that door because hairy hands over here keeps going in there rubbing one out of my fucking pillowcase isn't that right brother fucking weirdo walking in there jerking off is around my stuff that's what I would do you have to shame him you have to I just start calling him to get him just really listen dude I would start calling him some disrespectful fucking nickname between the two of you and go dude if I catch you in there again I'm outing you and I'm gonna

fucking tell everybody and you're gonna have to jerk off until you're 40 or move to Greenland because you're not getting any pussy in this fucking area code I would do that dude you uncle fucking Ted what does Ted Nugent say you got to secure your perimeter that this this whole fucking thing is your fault the first time that's him all right he's a blood relative you would think that he wouldn't do something like that to you but he did he showed who the fuck he was and right then you got to secure your perimeter you got to do it put a lock in the door you know go down to an old prison and see if you can buy some used barbed wire you know just put that around the door do whatever the

fuck you got to do do whatever you got to do or the another way to go is you you leave it wide open again and you put a hidden camera in there and then you videotape him jerking off in your room and say dude if you ever go into my room again I'm putting this up on YouTube you understand me I have a security system you don't want to do that to your brother because you might get mad and actually do that and ruin his life so fuck that last one just bluff and say you I got a lock in the door and I have a fucking security camera in there okay you cunt you fucking weirdo all right you're laughing it's not funny jerking off near my shit I don't want acid wash jeans if you know what I'm saying oh it's disgusting I'm sorry um all right next one hey Bill I am a listener

who is not only from Hong Kong nice look at me going international sir you are the first one to call in are you uh SG man on YouTube are you that guy have anybody seen that guy underrated SG man on YouTube look up that kid's page um I actually I shouldn't have said he was from China I don't know if he's Japanese whatever but he's from Asia and this fucking kid absolutely kills it his acdc covers are the shit and sometimes he improv he improvises solos and he's uh that totally fit the song but it's not what Angus played like he's a real fucking musician so anyways let's plow ahead here I'm a listener who's not only from Hong Kong China but also an Indian from Hong Kong China okay I am not an expatriate I have never lived in the States or

or an English-speaking country I am from here yet I listen to your stuff small world huh I don't know if I'm buying this you speak English so well that you can go small world huh HUH what sort of level Rosetta Stone do you have over there sir although his name Rohit I usually don't out people's names but I think you're okay on the other side of the world RO HI Rohit assuming perfect surgery has been done would you rather get a hand job from a woman who has had her hand surgically replaced with a man's hands oh my god oh would you rather get a hand job from a man with hands of a woman which is less gay this is not a dilemma I face just a question I randomly thought of and asked a co-worker peace from the Far East dude are you fucking I'm not

buying that you're from over there that you can be this fluent and this funny in a second language you know what if you are dude that that's amazing to me because I'm about ready to give Spanish another fucking try you know um pero es gris e blanco ocho nueve uno el niño bebe leche I'm a real right and I'm gonna speak it when I speak is Spanish I'm speaking just like that like I hear on those Spanish speaking stations because that's what the Rosetta Stone told me to do just immerse yourself in the language so I started walking around listening to the Spanish speaking stations you actually got to watch the news so you can see a picture and figure out what the fuck they're talking about but I all I would recognize is when they would just say the fucking

phone number uno tres dos tres ocho cero cero uno siete cinco cuatro um all right sorry so what would I rather have I would rather have a woman with man hands oh but this is the thing though they're not man hands they are literally hands from a man so they're fucking hairy Jesus dude this is a fucking phenomenal question all right there's no fucking way I could get jerked off with some guy with like five o'clock shadow just sitting there um it would have to be the most effeminate guy ever dressed in drag that's what I would do I would go with that because I think hairy bigfoot hands on my dick would freak me out and I don't think there's any way to get around that if they would like that you know I'm you know you live in the high life remember that

Miller Highlife commercial with that greasy hand grabs for that last deviled egg if that was wrapped around my dick there's just no way it would happen so what I would actually go if you had enough really effeminate bitchy dude and I could dress him up like a woman one of those trannies where you really got to look and had the female hands I would go with that and I would have the the fucking dude reach through a glory hole ah see that's why those questions are fucking great because when would I would I've ever said what the fuck I just said right there that's what I would do um was I have I ever had that thought before my life no I haven't I'm gonna give that guy that's question of the week maybe that's a new section here sir from the far east I think you created a

new one I know we've touched on this in the past but you brought it back uh we're gonna go with uh dilemmas if you guys would like to create a new segment on this podcast if you respond to it uh with it just put them under the heading dilemmas and come up with some tough ones and I will try to answer them as honestly and funny as I can please send all um all emails to bill at themmpodcast.com bill at themmpodcast.com do not forget the the like the Ohio State University who got fucked in the ass by the NCAA this year you're guilty of doing what every other program is doing yet only you will suffer in two other programs um and the official website of the Monday morning podcast is www.themmpodcast.com um we got a donation button there it's the first of the month

ah your rents do wait till next week but uh please click on the donation button um I have uh the guy who runs the uh themmpodcast.com if you haven't gone to it please go to it he's doing a fucking bang up job and um I'm giving him money and I want to give him more money so the more you guys donate the more I can pay him it's the donation button um also we have the Monday morning podcast select um trying to nail down another guest we got one it's 99 cents if you want to get something for your money rather than just throwing it into the wind uh that's also on the mmpodcast.com we also have the ringtone which a lot of people can't find so I'll have my guy uh explain where it is or maybe put it in a more prominent area the oh Jesus ringtone all right

which is it's a great ringtone people all right it's a great ringtone for your girlfriend she's always nagging you then you know you know not or whoever nags in your life you know not to pick it up because it goes oh Jesus oh Jesus oh Jesus you know you're not gonna answer that right um anyways so that's the deal so let's plow ahead here everybody let's plow ahead what else do we got here what else do we got here hey Bill I am a listener from Hong Kong I already read that hey Bill how's it going uh I was wondering if you could give me some advice so I've been dating this girl for about five months now and everything's been good except she keeps bringing up how shitty my car is I'm a 19 year old college student who pays for everything pretty much on my own uh I work

almost 40 hours a week and I'm also a full-time student and she's giving you shit about your car I don't need to read the rest of this dump her she's fucking high maintenance and when you propose to her and give you the ring you know it better be bigger than all of her girlfriends or she's gonna be a cunt about it I don't need to read the rest of this I will you know because you made the effort to type it out but I don't need to read the rest of it dump her you're 19 years old you know you're you're like five years away from meeting the girl that you're gonna be fucking marrying so why don't you dump this fucking cunt and go out and start talking shit to girls that you think are out of your league all right because one of them is gonna

say yes and you know what you're gonna be banging her pretty soon who knows she might not even do you know what it's almost you know what as you become more successful I would keep that car you said it's a 92 Buick century I would keep that fucking car and use that as your bronx tail lock the door test girl gets in there and starts turning her nose up at it you know dumper in your early 20s that's how I would use it I mean if you're driving that in your 30s I mean you're gonna look like a fucking loser and you can't get mad if a girl's like um you're 35 and your car is 37 so yeah I don't think I like that math um anyways Bill I had my car a 92 Buick century for about for about something years you forgot to put the number of years and I've replaced many parts in

the car since I've gotten it and yeah maybe it's not in the best shape but it gets me from point A to point B it's reliable and is pretty good on gas dude you know what you're doing right now you're doing what you gotta do to get to the next level you know what some douchebag does he drops out of college to get some fucking bullshit job at UPS unloading trucks so he can go out buy a new flashy car and you know what not to bring up a bronx tail again but there you go that's that moment where they fucking lock the bar door and they go now you can't leave now you can't leave UPS because you got to pay off that shiny fucking car and you know what for the rest of your life you're wearing brown all right my girlfriend hates my car though she doesn't really like me driving

my girlfriend hates my car though she doesn't really like me driving her around and keeps telling me to buy a new one I've even heard one of her friends tell me how much she dislikes my car dude you know what your next upgrade should be on this car uh one teetop on her side and an ejection seat in the passenger side the next time she brings it up I oh my god I hate this car it's dirty it's ugly what is that red button for I don't know why don't you push it you fucking twat um last week I told her I was gonna buy an 05 Civic off a Craigslist and she seems overly excited about it and kept asking me if I was gonna buy it or not I ended up not buying it good fucking man good man good fucking man sorry I had to walk that one off goddamn fucking I mean I'm not not all women

but this bitch here this fucking bitch right here this girl is putting a fucking financial noose around your neck and you know what dude you was strong enough not to be in that who keep it happy keep it happy so it still fucks me fuck her jerk off and keep the 92 Buick what a cunt overly excited was shiny shit why don't you ball up some tinfoil and fucking throw it right in her forget it it's too mean all right oh dude you know you know right now I bet a lot of women listen like why is this guy well maybe they're not maybe they understand why is this guy reacting like this because I'm gonna tell you something there's so many fucking talented guys out there okay who didn't get with a fuck they wanted to be in life because they allowed someone like this

to convince them to buy a fucking 05 Civic and then they had to stay at their fucking day job rather than being able to slowly fucking quit it and get their business going get their band going getting whatever the fuck they want to get going I'm telling you I'm telling you this girl is a selfish fucking cunt get her out of your life so anyways he goes I ended up not buying it dude I gotta tell you something right now that moment in your life could be like when John Lennon met Paul McCartney you understand the fact that you didn't fucking do that that is like you're in a barrel about ready to go over the fucking waterfall and you somehow saw a low lying branch you did a fucking pull up despite the fact that no one thinks any any American can do one in this country and you got

yourself out of there good for you good for you all right I ended up not buying it because she wanted it a little bit because the guy wanted a little bit too much money for it oh Jesus Christ so you totally lucked out so you didn't reach up and grab the branch it accidentally caught your shirt and you sat there hanging there like a drowned rat until the fucking fireman fished you out either way you didn't do it so good for you so um and I'd rather get my money's worth on something different is what he says so I'm trying to make a decision here because yeah within the next year or two I will need a new car but my girlfriend has been such an immature bitch about it I never thought I would be into someone who places so much value on material bullshit like cars and what makes people

think and what makes people think about us when we roll up in my car oh she's worried about what people think dude she doesn't worry she's not worried about what people think of you guys when you pull up she's worried about herself um for fuck's sakes he says for fuck's sakes I'm going to school to be a teacher and everyone knows they get paid in fucking peanuts so she's into money perhaps I should just nip this in the butt right here then again maybe she's maybe she's maybe I'm just being lazy and I should go find a more respectable car dude fuck that fuck that dude dude you know who she is right now she's Sharon stone in casino that's who the fuck she is this chick is gonna fucking cheat on you as you're sitting there you know and she's gonna leave you

dude when when you are drowning in debt and shiny shit that you didn't fucking need okay and the ride is over and none of it's in her name and her name her credit's fine she's gonna go down in the bank and take out her million dollars in jewelry or whatever she's fucking walking just like Sharon stone all right kick get get her out of your life get her out of your life just sit down just say listen you uh you're more into cars than you are me and I just think you're really a uh materialistic selfish person and uh you're gonna make someone miserable and guess what sweetheart it's not gonna be me you know what you don't even have to be that me just tell her you're not happy you're not happy and you know I know you're not happy with me either I think you need a guy who can

afford a nicer car if I've learned anything from you sweetheart over the last six months is what you really are looking for in a man good husband good father somebody who can buy a nice car so why don't you this is what I would do sweetheart why don't you go dress like a whore and if you want to get that car quick enough dress like a whore go down to a steakhouse go find one of those fucking 65 year old uh independently wealthy guys let him take you for a few spins around the block suck his old fucking dick and get your goddamn car but get out of my life there you go dump that bitch it's oh my god we're hour and five minutes in here I gotta I gotta plow through this here YouTube videos for the week I haven't watched these because I'm in a new place and I just got my

internet up pussy soccer ref will have all these videos up on the the mmpodcast.com broken arm I don't know I don't even know why I should even read these um I don't want to go too long here um all right that oh shit did I just knock it off no I didn't okay cool now this is the podcast for this week I hope you guys had a great time um I don't know what I got a new place here maybe I'm gonna make a little fucking room into a uh little podcasting studio I'll definitely try and get some stuff on the walls I hope the echoing and the fucking old squeaky chair weren't too annoying and I really hope that this thing's back up on podcast and uh and you know something that shit I just said about that woman is is very uh it's universal so I shouldn't have come down so

much on women there because that goes for women too if you're dating some fucking guy who can't handle what what you want to do when he's fucking holding you back dump that fucking loser I'm telling you because you're gonna be like that fucking old lady at the end of the titanic sitting there wondering what could have been the end of the movie right you don't want to be that so that's it that's a podcast for this week go fuck yourselves I will talk to you next week and uh iTunes stop being cunt and put this up on here if you already did I apologize for saying that but you know something if you have little empathy in your computer fucking world you understand why I just called you that all right see you with the metaverse firefighters will one day be able

to use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings saving them crucial seconds when lives are on the line the metaverse may be virtual but the impact will be real learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact