Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-30-17

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

Bill does his first live podcast at the ATC Podcast Festival in Phoenix, Arizona.

With the Metaverse, firefighters will one day be able to use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings, saving them crucial seconds when lives are on the line. The Metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at meta.com slash Metaverse Impact. Is this on? Is this on? All right, here we go. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burn. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. Monday. Yes, October, what's today, the 28th, 29th, the 30th. It's going to be the 30th. This is my first live one ever. I'm sitting on, um, at the very best, a very metrosexual couch. This looks like a lot of guys blew other guys on this thing. This is, this is sort of the reverse W hotel, the way they have

this thing. Like the W hotel, it just looks like everything's been jizzed on and that a bunch of YOLO douches had a threesome there or something. This looks like, is there like a gay chain of hotels that just caters to gay people? You know, see, this is why this is going to be weird with the live crowd, because to me that was no big deal. Everybody got real quiet there. Like it's, like that was a problem. Is he trashing gay people? Is he saying that there should be segregated hotels? No, I am not. Okay. I'm just saying that it would be nice if you could separate them from the general population in the hotels. Okay. That's what I'm running on. I'm going to out hate Trump and fucking, whenever the next stupid election is going to be, I'm going to out hate him.

I'm just going to start calling him a pussy and I'm just going to fucking, I'm going to hate even more than him. Then I'm going to get elected and then I'll tear down whatever part of the wall he made, which I know is a hot button issue here in Arizona. Oh yeah, they should have the wall. Oh, they shouldn't. That's what I would run on a platform. I would run on a platform that gay people should have their own hotels. I'm so sick of walking into lobby, seeing men holding hands with other men and just started off on something bizarre like that, just so I can watch my opponent go, wait a minute, I never even thought about hating this. Why won't Hillary Clinton go away? Why can't she just

understand that nobody likes her? She just fucking hanging around just like that fucking kid who just shows up, like nobody tell her there's a party and then she shows up. You know what happened with her? No one ever poured blood on her and a fucking prom. That's what they should have done to finally fucking get rid of her. She just keeps hanging around like she's a winner. Did Jim Kelly hang around after losing four fucking Super Bowls? He didn't. He fucking disappeared and every once in a while an NFL crew finds the fucking guy and goes, hey, Jim, let's talk about your career. I don't want it. I really don't want it. I did have a great career, but all you want to dwell on is the negative.

Oh my God. She's just, she's just, I mean, she tries, you know, she's going to fucking, she's going to take volume. You still can't hear it. What? Louder? All right. This was the dumbest. For you guys listening at home, we can hear this totally fine. There's like 500 people staring at me right now, bitching that they can't hear it. So I'm holding a microphone with a yellow wind screen and a little fucking lapel mic. All right. As far as I can tell, only the foreigners, for some reason, can't fucking hear me. Everybody has some sort of Australian accent. Louder. Sing out.

There's fucking people, foreigners coming in. What the fuck did you come here for to tell us how fucked up our country is? I love when people come here and they start bitching about this country. It's just like, dude, I don't do that when I go to Australia. Talk about how fucked up your country is that only around the edges is it livable. It's fucking unbelievable. If you can't see the ocean, you're just completely, you're in no man's land, no man's land. 200 of the most poisonous fucking snakes ever. Do I say that when I go to Australia? No, I don't. I just go, oh, look at the surf. Oh my God, it's gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. Look at that sad tan guy blowing into that giant horn. I bet he used to own this view way back in the day. I bet his ancestors

did. What is the, what is the call on that? You know what I mean? I never understand that. When I was in fucking Canada, the rule was, what did they say? Like, I called them the natives, the natives of Canada and they got all fucking offended. They said, we're called the originals. The original, everything with Canada, the original six, the original people, you know what I mean? The original recipe of whatever fucking syrup they're trying to sell you. You know what I mean? I'm telling you, everybody loves Canada like they're a bunch of friendly people, they're not. They're all a bunch of fucking racist, sticky people. They're in a bad mood from yanking that sap

out of the fucking trees and then what do they do? They kick all the indigenous people all the way up north, you know, to give them a perimeter between them and the polar bears. That's what happened, you know? You ever see any of these big Hollywood types talking about them? Meryl Streep, you know? I don't know why I picked her. I'm still pissed at her that she said the martial arts are not the arts. Oh really? What would you know about that? Oh, I get it. You wear a wig and you pretend to be other people. Like, by all means, let me listen to you about social issues. You get your fucking goddamn card to go back to your gated community. When does she ever see minorities? Huh? When she looks into the front seat of whoever's driving?

By all means, Meryl. Tell me what society is like from behind your gated community. Somebody told me today that there's legislation right now going through, I don't know, where does it go through the government? Right now, I'm thinking of schoolhouse rock songs, right? I'm just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill. And then it's off to the White House where there's something, something. And then it comes back to a bunch of white men and they vote to see if it will be a law. How I hope and pray. Normally, I wouldn't sing in public, but I feel like I'm in my bedroom. I have plush furniture like this in my bedroom. Look at that one with the fucking overhang. Sorry, did this go out again? Sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry to each and every one of you, especially the millennials. I'm sure you're fucking heard about it and you're going to hashtag some sort of me too. Me too. I couldn't hear either. Me too. Me too. I also had something bad happen. Hey, here's something you can say in this country. Three fucking meals a day. Me too. Me too. First world country. Me too. Flat screen TV. Me too. Everybody dwelling on the negative. He's fucking feminist, man. I swear to God, I want to go to one of their events and just get up to that microphone and just be like, excuse me, is there anything good about being a woman at any point during your day?

And you're like, thank God I'm a woman. Or I would have had to step in that mud puddle, whatever the fuck I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to take my fucking coat off. I have a little more respect for these feminists when they care a little bit more about guys' jackets. It's always a fucking issue that they care about. And in the 70s, we were forced to wear clogs and a lot of our mothers blew out their ACLs. That gives a shit. I'll listen to a feminist, but not if she's white. You know what I mean? It's like, I won't. At the end of the day, you were a white woman in the United States of America. What is the problem? Did someone take away your rosé for the afternoon? Did they shut down the

fucking trolley down at the mall? What is happening in your world? No, seriously. All right, look, if you're living some honey boo boo lifestyle, you're living off the Appalachian, somebody got rickets and Lyme disease, husband never wears a shirt. You know what I mean? He just wears that long underwear with the trap drawer behind the back. You know what I mean? You know he's going out when he puts on his best overalls, right? Those guys have it right. Those guys know how to live out there. If you truly want to get along with the woman, you got to live right off the Appalachian trail. You know, you got to be off the grid and you just have to have no television, okay? And then you can slap her around all you want

and she's never going to know. This is just how it is. You know what I mean? If you have a dirt floor, like taking a beating is not the big... It just seems like part of your life. It's like seamless. The worst thing we ever did for women is linoleum and like wall to wall carpet. Then we lost all of our power. Yeah, you've seen it. When Twitter first came out, women were just hashtagging whatever you say. Now, somebody's going to take a snippet of that and put it on a fucking news show and then I'm going to get in trouble. Are you trying to say that women deserve to be beaten on dirt floors? And at that point, you just got to go with it. Just be like, yes. And I'm running for president

in fucking 2020. And don't even get me started with the gays in the hotels. That's right. You run the most hateful fucking campaign ever. You don't wear the confederate flag, but all of your suits, if you look quickly, you have all the colors of it, right? And then in the end, you just totally flipped the whole thing. You flipped the whole thing. You have an openly gay guy as a fucking like sitcom level gay. You know what I mean? Not like real gay, like TV gay. You know what I mean? TV gay. It's kind of like when you watch wrestling, how they enhance their personalities. That's what they do with gay people on TV. They got to just go fucking through the roof with the

sass, you know what I mean? Rather than just having it coming out surprisingly every once in a while. I don't know what I'm talking about. It feels like, what does this feel like? How long have I been doing up here? Oh, 10 minutes and 48 seconds. There you go. This is my world. This is my life. This is what I do. This couch is not, this couch just feels like it was made out of old coats. Like a couple of old tarps or some shit like that. I hate how it's trying to be plush. This was considered like, right here, this was considered fancy in the 70s. If I could just get this lapel mic up here. This, this, anytime there was a button that was sunk all the way in it to try to make this look plush, you know, even though it feels like fucking weak old bread that

you're laying on. Honey, all I want is a, this is what I literally have to do. I have to fucking put the mic down here. It just won't clip on in any fucking area that is acceptable. Now the people at home can't hear it. Probably because I clipped it onto the, this is like the biggest lapel ever. There we go. Jesus. It's got a bumblebee. Thought it was supposed to be like barely noticeable, isn't it? All right. You know what? I don't give a fuck. Let's, let's read about some, let's look up some Phoenix news here. Phoenix news, ladies and gentlemen. Let's see what's going on in Greater Phoenix. You know what this show is reminding me of? Do you guys remember when Cheers went off the air and Jay Leno tried to do it live and the whole cast got shitfaced? Do you remember that? And he had

nobody to talk to? Fuck it. We'll do it live. All right. Let's look up Phoenix news. All right. What do we got here? All right. Update. Woman critically injured in West Phoenix shooting has died. Let's see. Woman shot killed in Phoenix early Saturday morning. Standard. That's standard. Okay. Homeless man beat CVS worker for sunblock. That's a new one. Suspect is designed, is described as looking like if Che Guevara fucked a lizard. Phoenix police arrest suspect in deadly shooting. What is going on out here? Stolen truck from

Phoenix captured on speeding. Why don't they have anything nice? Phoenix wedding invitation designers must serve LGBT. Oh, Arizona. Here we go. They don't like Martin Luther King. They don't like the gaze. Oh, Jesus. Oh, the goddamn gaze. What are they going to do? They're going to walk around and enjoy themselves. Get back in the house where God wants you. Phoenix woman 21 accused of abusing three-year-old boy. Sea ladies, it goes both ways. Women also beat men. Let's read that one. This is always uplifting, huh? I don't know why this. There it is. All right. There we go. Okay. Phoenix woman 21 accused of abusing a three-year-old boy. All right. My first question is a juror. Be like, well, what did the

kid do? You know what I mean? Can the kid walk? Is it big enough to make a fist? You know what I mean? There's no excuse to hit a woman. So if this kid was punching on her, you know, because it wanted to breastfeed her some shit, then I think she had every right to just pick them up by his gosh, gosh, begoshes or whatever, push them right off that plastic pony. A Phoenix woman who's been, who has, who had been reported missing earlier this month along with a three-year-old boy now faces child abuse charges in a case court document says, I'm not going to say her name, but I swear to God her first name looks like Tequila. 21 was arrested Thursday on suspicion of one count of child abuse in connection with injuries to the toddler. I'll shake it off. Investigation said

in a court, I'm just gonna see how far into the beating of a child I can go. Just how quiet this crowd's going to get. The child was beaten on its birthday because it wasn't happy with the cake. The suspect said, well, if you didn't like the cake, you're surely not going to like this lit candle. All right, I'm not reading the rest of this. I'm not reading the rest of this. This is too sad. I don't know what is wrong. I take this back. This is fun, making you guys fucking really uncomfortable. I'm enjoying the shit out of this. Let's read some more sad news in Phoenix. Let's see how far down we can, by the way, you can feel the downtown area. It's about ready to blow up. I'm telling you, you got a great food area down the street. You got an arena. Is this a CVS? Come on,

man. I can feel it. I sensed this in Cleveland and it turned around. I knew it was going to happen in Detroit. And who's kidding who? Phoenix is the Detroit of the Southwest. It is. You just never had a riot because you don't let African Americans in your state. That's what it is. Who says no to a day off? You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves. All right, what else? Okay, local headlines. I'll end it with this here. I don't want to shit on you guys too much. All right, valley traffic closures. That's not exciting. Thank you for backing that up, man. No, it isn't. I did not pay money to come out and do the traffic report. I can listen to that on my AM radio. Thank you very much. County offers free dog adoptions to ease the crowding. All right,

let's talk, okay, we already got a fucking beat up kid. Let's talk about abused animals. Is your dog there? Is my dog where? In there? No, my dog lives in a house out here that I bought for it. So go fuck yourself. What was happening is, is the amount of money that I was spending to board the dog was less than a mortgage out here. So I said, fuck it. And I set up like a Hugh Hefner lease with my trainer. It's like, all right, as long as the dog's alive, you live here rent free, and you take care of it. I come out and visit whenever I want. He's like, cool. I go when the dog dies, then you either buy the house so you can leave or you start renting it. He was like,

cool. So you know, damn well, that dog's getting fucking sirloin every night. It's Cleo. The dog's name is Cleo and she barely remembers me now because she's getting treated so well. The fucking house is nicer than my one in LA. So there you go. Mr. guilt trip over there. Now let's talk about, let's talk about this shit over here. Let's talk about what you guys do to dogs in this state. What is with this fucking advertising? Am I on Netflix? What happened? Coca Cola. We are so much more than Cola. Yeah, you're fucking gum disease. Where's Nia? Uh, she's right backstage. She'll be out in a minute. I'm fucking with you. She's at home taking care of our child.

Not going to happen. It's not going to happen, sir, just like your dreams. That is not going to happen. Your dreams won't come true and Nia's not coming out here. If anybody watching that Texas Tech Oklahoma game, Jesus, it was like no fucking defense in that man. None whatsoever. By the way, thank you to everybody here. Thank you. Thank you to everybody here that has come out to the all things comedy podcast network. Our first ever podcast festival. It's been a smashing success. Did you guys see when you walked in? We had Caddyshack playing outside. You can play that cornhole fucking game. You can drink a bunch of beers. This is what it's all about. It's all about hanging out, getting fucked up, listening to morons who don't know how

to read, do podcasts. That's what this entire thing is all about. All right. What do you got? All right. Houston. What about those fucking Houston Astros going up two to one? Two to one against the LA Dodgers. I don't know who to root for in this one because, you know, I live in Los Angeles. You know, I know Houston just had that hurricane, but it's over. Right? Everything dried up. Those fans look all happy and dry when you watch the game. He almost almost to the point. I was just going, look how nice this looks. What was all the fucking complaining about? Jesus Christ. It rains a little bit and everybody out in Houston starts losing their fucking minds. You know, do you think one of them has ever sent a postcard to Seattle?

Those poor people sit in rain for like 360 days out of the fucking year. I will guarantee you, not a fucking peep. Not a peep from Houston. Houston. Jesus. What a shady city that is, huh? NASA. How many people down there do you think? I bet that whole fucking Houston, that whole fucking hurricane, I bet it didn't even happen. I bet they just let some damn water go down there and it was all an excuse to kill the last few people alive that that were part of the fake lunar landing reenactment at NASA. So they got rid of them. And what else goes on in Houston? They got the Klan right outside there that drags people to death, which I'm suppliers didn't get an applause break here in fucking Arizona.

There was one other thing. What the fuck was I talking about? I was talking about now, and then they got Halliburton. Halliburton that changed their fucking name. I know, I know, I know. We're over there to fucking, what are we doing over there? We're concerned about their freedom. We got to get these Iraqis to be free. Oh, and it gets awkwardly silent here. Oh, you know what I did? So anyways, I think I'm going to be, I think I'm going to, I'm going to tell you right now why the fucking Astros are going to win the World Series. Okay, I'm going to tell you why it's going to happen. It has nothing to do with baseball. It has to do the fact that Jason Lawhead is rooting for the Dodgers. He's here tonight. Jason Lawhead grew up in Cleveland.

All right, he's fucked. Okay, like the second you come out of the womb, the curse of that city just engulfed him and everywhere he goes, he's like the mush in a Bronx tale. Just tear up your fucking tickets, LA. It's over. You're not going to win another game. No, I have no idea. I'm actually rooting that there's going to be, there's going to be seven games. I hope it'll be seven games. Give me something to do. I don't know that there's going to be seven games. Do you know that there's going to be seven games, sir? Does somebody know? Oh, because of the money? You guys think it's all about the money? That's why I don't give, that's why I don't give the charities anymore. I'm done with fucking charities. I didn't give one fucking dime to Houston. Okay,

you want to walk up to me, up to your neck in water with an I live in Houston hat, then I'm going to give you money. All right, but I'm not giving to any of these fucking things anymore because these fucking organizations, they keep, I'm convinced that most of them, they just, they just keep the fucking money. That's what, anytime you see a tragedy, just know that there's a bunch of people going like, I can make a bunch of fucking money off of that. Hashtag, I care too, right? And then you give them $20, you feel like you did your part. You know what I mean? Like how much money do you think Trump collected before he went over there with those bounty paper towels and just handed them out in Puerto Rico? He must have made a fucking

killing, probably spent the rest on hair plugs and fucking, I don't understand how he became a redhead as he got older. I don't understand, he had brown hair. It's like somebody transitioning. Like I don't get somebody who like changes religions. Not all of this is going to make sense everybody. You still can't fucking hear me? I don't know what to do. Should I stick this in my fucking mouth? Then could you hear me? All right, how's that? Is that good? Does this work? Is this working for both of you? Maybe if I clip this onto the microphone, Jesus Christ. You know what this feels like right now? This feels like when I was in summer school and I was just staring at the fucking clock like 23 minutes, 23 minutes. Jesus Christ. Why did I wear a sweatshirt

out here? Oh, by the way, I got to do a promotion. I got to do a promotion. I saw, I went to a movie premiere of the 30 for 30. The Nature Boy, Rick Flair is coming out. I have to tell you this right now. Might be the best 30 for 30. I have a fucking saw. It should be 90 minutes. It actually, it is 90 minutes. It is 90 minutes. I thought it was only 30 minutes. It was 90 minutes, sir. It wasn't, your dream came true. See that, everybody? I'm going to start a charity for this guy and a portion of the proceeds are going to go towards him. The rest of them are going to go to me and a new fucking drum kit. I'll put his picture on the bass drumhead. Each day, thousands of people are dying of cancer and I want a boat. If you call this number, we can put a slight dent in it and I can get the

boat of my fucking dreams and finally get rid of my wife and start living openly with my mistress. Please take the number down. The first 300 people that call in will get a free t-shirt with a donation of over three times the cost to produce this t-shirt. No one will check to see if the t-shirts were actually sent out. That's the move, people. There's two fucking, there's three moves to make in this country at this point if you want to exist in the future. One, you either grow weed in anticipation that it becomes legal at a federal level and you can get it out of your fucking state because I know in Colorado, I guess they're drowning in the shit. They got more weed than they got hippies. They got more. Oh my god, I gotta tell you, the dirtiest looking white people you're

ever going to see in your life are in Colorado. I can't imagine being a minority in Colorado looking at the white people there. You've got to be thinking like, how the fuck are we working for these people? How are these people running shit? I mean, everybody just looks like they fell into a vat of patchouli, right? Are they always inner tubing and shit? They just live outside. They're just, I don't know, that's like in the Denver area. Then you get out in the western part of the states and then it gets better. You got the Illuminati's in the Rocky Mountains. You know what I mean? They make sure it stays nice and cold up there so the body of their first wife never melts away. You know what I mean? That's what they keep doing. That's the code word. You going skiing with your

third wife today? Yeah, we're going on the double black diamond. That's code for I'm going to fucking steer her into a tree. You know, that's what's going to happen when global warming really hits and all the snow melts up and fucking aspen and veil. The amount of dead women that are going to be underneath there, the amount of first wives, the before I made my first million love, you know what I mean? When I was at the college level before I went pro, you know? I don't know. Sometimes I think you ought to be able to kill your first wife though because there's like too many people on the planet and then also can maybe like put them on their heels. Not saying you do it, but just the fact that she would know it was okay. I think from where I sit would have a really positive effect

on the relationship. I think the reality television viewing would go down. I should do these more because with you guys laughing, I won't get in trouble. You know what I mean? It's when I'm by myself and there's dead silence. It stops sounding like I'm fucking around and it sounds more like, is this guy reading from his own manifesto? Yeah, they ought to come up with creative ways to get rid of people. I guess the optimal number, according to something that somebody sent me, is 500 million people on this planet and we're up to 6.5 billion. So I think that there's things that you could do like stop rescuing pit bulls. You should just set them free and let them wander the streets in packs.

And then everybody has a cyanide pill. So if you get, you know, if you want to be ripped apart by a pack of wild dogs, you can just eat it every once in a while. Or maybe you do that like, I don't know, like there's some sort of incentive for your family if you off yourself. You know what I mean? I think if you off yourself, that's an even better way because then they can like prepare rather than just have a bunch of carcasses on the side of the road. That'll cause diseases, which is good. But after a certain point, you'd be, once we get under 500 million, now you're just killing the chosen ones, the blue chips, right? They should have like an NFL combine to find, you know, you got to get your, like every country has to get their roster down

to a number, right? Like you're allowed to have 100,000 people. You're not allowed to judge it by race, religion, sex or anything like that, right? And you just have the best of the best of race, sex, religion, all of that fucking shit that we care about, right? You just have that. Cruise ships? No, no cruise ships. That's not going to work because that's also an environmental disaster. I regret doing that bit on my last special. I never thought of all the oil that was going to be seeping there. So my new one is that you just let them pull into port and then you just, you just mull them all down. They die happy with their silly hats and their flip flops.

I know, none of that's right. This is in a time like this. Don't you think this should be more caring? Somebody told me today that they're actually selling land on Mars. Can I somehow get in on that? Can I, I'll sell you the whole fucking planet for 15 grand. You can get out there and figure out there's no atmosphere and then you're going to die. Oh, it's a shame. I mean, it's there. You can see it. Look right through the telescope. I sold you that. If you can get there and breathe, it's going to be all yours. It's going to be all yours. That's the way, you know, something right there, that'd be the first way of how you get rid of people. You sell land on Mars and anybody that goes to buy it, you go, okay, you want, you got a

little bit of land come down here to claim it. And then they walk into a room like Joe Pesci and good fellas, right? You put a gun to their head. You're like, Hey, wait a minute. What the fuck? It's like, well, dude, you obviously don't want to be here. You'd rather go to Mars. It's too crowded. You know, I'm going to send you to heaven, man. You can see all the planets. All right. I like when people wonder if there's, if there's life on other planets, you know what I mean? Like, why would you, you know, who gives a shit if there is, you can't talk to them. They're too far away. You know, and what if they're smart enough to get here? Do you really want to wave your arms? You know, why don't you just hitchhike down the fucking highway and see what happens?

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One more time to try it for free. For free. Go to zip. Dot com slash burr. All right. We got through it. Oh, and here's the last one. Here's another great one. Oh, it's me on these, everybody. But do me on these me on these. There's always one con who doesn't do it right. Do me on these me on these. I hope someone kills you tonight. All you had to do was listen to me. I don't have two mics. I should have three. I don't know this fucking windscreens as soft as your taint when you wear a pair of this fucking shit. They make them for the ladies drying out your fucking clam. All right. Sorry. Okay. Me on these, everybody. Me on these makes your butt. What me on these, your butt will be proud to wear. I hate that fucking word.

It's either your ass. You know, but it's just to you know, I'm an ass man. I just that word never just but that's if you have a flat ass. You have a butt over lower back down your ankles. You know what I mean? That's how I'm built naked. I have the exact same silhouette as the pink panther. Big head, big feet, just fucking straight right down. I swear to God, you get advertising off my backside. All right. Me on these makes on these your butt will be proud to wear and check this out. I'm not the only one who loves me on these. Listen to my longtime listener and me on these enthusiast George has to say, is this George Michael? Did he write this from beyond the grave? Maybe he wore the first month me on these. Remember that when he was shaking his ass?

And I think it would be nice if I could touch your body and fucking jerk you up in a fucking party. Then get arrested, which is in my stubble wearing my fucking cowboy boots. I like that guy. And now he's dead. All right. A note from George and a Bill Burr listener and me on these fan. I decided to try out me on these because I love Bill Burr's me on these jingle. I smile every time he sings it. This reeks of being rewritten by the advertising. What kind of man says that? I just look out the window and smile. Do you, do you just smile when you, I don't believe a word of this, although it's so easy to skip ads in a podcast. I always listen to Bill's reads and I'm so glad me on these has stuck

with it. Al Gore, right? This is about as sincere as him. If I told you guys my theory on why Hillary keeps fucking losing, even though she only lost once, it's because she has Mike Dukakis's charisma and she's as uncomfortable in her own skin as Al Gore. And you combine those two and what you have is a dope that loses to an even bigger dope. Oh man, this is a Trump state. I can feel it. Oh yeah. Is he making it better for you? Oh, it's too late. It's, you had a chance, you had a chance at a day off and you said, no, this is the fucking candidate you've always been waiting for. Huh? Just coming in wearing his red tie and his fucking silk underwear, telling you how it is. All right, although it's so easy to skip, who gives a shit about this

fucking guy smiling, looking out the window with silky balls. Before me on these, I used to buy a three pack of underwear at retail stores until I realized that I wanted to treat my junk to something more comfortable. And it's, and that starts with a great pair of me undies cradling the family jewels to get 20% off the best and softest underwear and socks she will ever own for free shipping and a hundred percent satisfaction guarantee. Go to me undies.com slash burr. That's me undies.com slash burr. All right, I started to hype something here. 40 minutes, everybody, just like that, just like that, 40 minutes that you'll never get back. I thought he was going to be standing up. I thought there was going to be more of a show. I thought there'd be show girls.

I saw, I might as well stand up. It's so fucking hot in here. Oh, he's standing up. He's, he's standing up. He wants the world to know that the fucking podcast, what do you mean speak up? I got two fucking microphones here. How much more can I speak up, sir? Are they canceling each other out with amplification? Are they both polite? No, you go. No, you go. We were both bored in the 90s. I don't want to offend you with my yellow skin and your black skin. I want to sit in this big chair because I feel like I would think that I know something over here. Here we are. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Masterpiece Podcasting. Wow, this is weird. Now I got in here. There's a whole new sound in here. I hate that I'm at the

fucking old age where I have to cross my legs when I sit down. I don't know what happens. Remember as a kid, you just fucking sat down. Now I got to sit there constantly stretching out my fucking hip. This couch was supposed to be nailed down. So I saw the premiere of the Ric Flair Nature Boy. Dude, I don't think I've ever fucking laughed that hard. I mean, I have to go back to like a Richard Pryor special. That guy is arguably one of the funniest fucking human beings ever. And I have to tell you something. What I can commend about that guy in this Nature Boy 30 for 30 that you have to fucking see is he did not run from anything. He owned up to everything good or fucking bad. They were sitting there talking about like, you

know, him fucking around on his wife. And he was just going, yeah, you go, how long were you faithful for in your marriage? He just goes one day. And he was like, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I came home and I spent a day with my family and I was like bored out of my mind. I was in hell. And it was so fucking refreshing to hear a married guy talk about how badly he wants to continue fucking as many women as he possibly could, right? Now I know the laughs are going to go down because there's too many women here and every guy has to sit there and act like he was, you know, like probably thinking about it right fucking now. I don't know. But yeah, he talked about everything just being like just all the women he was with.

And at one point they cut back to his first wife who he calls number one. No, this guy is a fucking legend. And she just cuts back to him and she's just like, yeah, Rick wasn't a family man. I was doubled over laughing. And then, you know, it definitely has its sad points, but he doesn't run from it. You can say he's a bad father or if he's maybe like an alcoholic. I don't want to ruin too many of the lines, but he was just saying like, I don't know if I'm an alcoholic. I never tried to quit. It was just one fucking closing bit after another with this guy. It's like, I would close with that. I would close with that. I would close with that.

And he just kept going. He did tell this one story. I'm all twisted up in my 20 fucking microphones. He did tell this one story to the crowd that was there. He talked about how one night he was on the road and he was out partying and he goes, and I woke up with a couple. He goes, I woke up next to an alien, which is what he calls being like blackout drunk and just waking up next to some woman you don't even know her fucking name. So he goes, I woke up and there was an alien on one side and an alien on the other. And I looked down and my Rolex was missing. So I wake the women up and I go, hey, where's my watch? And they go, you don't remember? They go, you don't remember? And he goes, no. He goes, yeah, last night you threw your watch

into a bowl of spaghetti. And you said, I got 15 of these fucking things. This was just a throwaway story. I mean, this is a comedy club. This is a packed house. I'm killing just remembering lines that he said. I'm telling you, you have to fucking watch this guy. It's like, I'm telling you, they ought to give him like the Mark Twain award. They're always giving it to like these fucking people. They give it to some people that are funny, but then other times they just, sometimes that's like, that guy is not as funny as fucking Ric Flair. You got to get him in there. They wouldn't know because it's always like the arts and Meryl Streep and blah, blah, blah, the fuck out of here. You think she could be that good

an actress after a couple of back body drops? You think she could do the flare flop and keep that period correct wig that she has on? I don't know why I'm trashing Meryl Streep. I have no idea why. You know why? Because she's always getting awards. Yeah, fuck her for doing such great work. This is dumb as shit. You know how this business works. If you trash anybody, inevitably you end up working for them. I can't tell you how many times that's, I haven't gotten a lot of acting work, but every time I've ever gotten acting work and I'm in the fucking hair and makeup, I always get to skip the hair part. Of course, I go over to the makeup side of the trailer. Inevitably somebody comes walking in and I'm like, oh shit, I trashed that person.

I hope they didn't hear that podcast. All right. I think that was it. You guys want to listen to some reads here for this week? Can you hear me? Is everything fine? Is this working? How has this been so far? Have you guys enjoyed this? Is this something I should do more of? All right. I've already one guy, but there's always going to be one guy booing. I didn't like it. All right. On Monday, I discussed silkworms and how they take the spittle from a silkworm, and that's how they make a silk shirt. Somebody goes, silkworms, hey, you ugly red-faced fucking twat. You really think silk shirts are made from silkworms? Really? Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Just think about it. Just think about that for a second. Bless your heart, Bill, but sweet fuck,

man. Get your act together and go fuck yourself. You know what's funny? Is I did and I still do until I was thinking like, wait, well, how would they turn that spittle into thread? But I also used to think that a fucking, I used to think a pony was just a little horse. I did. And I remember these people down the street, they had a little pony. And I just remembered. I just remember thinking, why won't, when is that thing going to fucking grow up and become a horse? And I finally one day asked my mother when I was like 15 and she just looked at me like, how did you come out of me? What do I Google here? What is silk made out of? It's just going to say silk. But what, they shouldn't call it a fucking silkworm then. What is silk made at? What is silk?

Oh, fuck you, sir. This shit I know that you don't know. Okay. Everybody likes to feel so goddamn smart, huh? What is silk made of? This right here, if there's ever a hunger games, I'm definitely not going to make it right here. The protein fiber of silk is comprised mainly of fibron and is produced by certain insect larvae to form cocoons. All right, I was kind of right. The best known silk is obtained from the cocoons of the larvae of the mulberry silkworm. Wait a minute, was I right? What the fuck? Well, it wasn't spitting it out. I thought it was basically a silkworm spider web. Why would a worm make a spider web, Bill? Maybe it's suicidal. I don't know.

There's another way to make money off of suicidal silkworms. Each year over 30,000 silkworms commit suicide and I would like to buy a Tesla. So please send your money in to me. All right, fat but fit. Billy No Rolls. A study just came out that speaks to everything you've said about being fat almost automatically meaning you're not healthy. Today there are a lot of people who say you can be in good health while carrying fat, but that's just to soften the blow to people who can't lose the lard. All right. Anyways, thought I'd share. You're not as dumb as Nia says you are, but maybe still a bit of a moron. Just kidding. Go fuck yourself. I had no idea how much you guys laugh at these people shitting on me. I thought you were all

sitting at home as offended as I was going, Hey, don't say that about Bill. Bill is my podcast friend. Well, well, well, well, I guess you get to see who your fucking friends are when you do something live. All right. I don't even, this is how bad my short term memory is. I don't even know what the fuck I just said. I didn't want to just read that you can be a fat. Yeah. Oh yeah. No. Yeah. You don't want to be fat. Like that's a big thing now to be fat and be proud of it. You know, and they talk about fat shaming and all that shit. It's just like, you know, you should just ignore what everybody says and you should listen to your heart going for the love of God, lose the weight. I'm going to conk out here. That was a cheap joke. That was an easy one. I set you up,

you know, easy. I took you to the left and then I went right. That's what I did. It was the old misdirection. The old comedy crossover there. All right. Nestle Kuntz. Nestle Kuntz. That's right. Oh yeah. They're the ones. They're the ones causing all the wars. Hey there, Billy in the mirror. I saw this article about Nestle that I thought might ruffle your feathers. The line, the byline says it all. Okay. This year, this year's Halloween confectionery. Oh, this is so great. I have people here. What is a confectionery? It's a what? It's a candy store. What kind of an asshole calls it a confectionery? You know what's funny? I got this acting gig right now. By the way, I got to promote the

movie. You got to see it next. Probably come out next year. It's called Front Runner. Front Runner stars Hugh Jackman as Gary Hart. If you're old enough, you remember Gary Hart? Yeah, Gary Hart. We went a little Ric Flair on the road. Right? He banged some woman and then all of a sudden he couldn't be president anymore. And that's how that's how Bush got in because this guy was a good looking guy and all the ladies liked him. And that's all you need to do to win the presidency, right? You play the saxophone, you hit a jump shot. You know what I mean? You do something like that and then everybody fucking left you. Anyways, that's coming out. By the way, all you hear on a movie set is people going, copy that, copy that, copy that.

I need this go over there. Copy that. And I get it when you say it into like a fucking, you know, you're on your little CB radio. Copy that. I get that. You know what I mean? But people say it to just other people now. Just one person will be, Hey, can you move that over there? And the guy go, copy that. It's like, why don't you just say, okay, it's a lot quicker. Can you move that? Okay. Got it. Copy that. Those are the same kind of people that call a fucking candy store a confectionary. All right. Hey, that's what you did. That's called a callback. The guy just goes, copy that. He was waiting for the end of the bit. See that? Now, how does he know about callbacks?

How does he know? Cause Netflix has released 30,000 standup specials this year. They're creating a comedy special housing bubble over there. Come watch the greatest open micers do an hour of their best material. That's who they're down to at this point. There's like, everybody has an hour special. I'm going to freeze myself after I die. Don't they have that here? The cryogenics right next to the confectionary, right? I'm going to freeze myself. So then when they figure out how to cure death, they can unfreeze me and I can do a bit of, I can do an hour long one man show on Netflix about what it's like to be in a 40 year coma. All right. Nestle, everybody. By the way,

F is for family. Please watch that on Netflix now that I've made fun of them. Just scroll. If you can't find it, just scroll left for like 20 minutes. Anyways, this year's Halloween confectionary will contain palm oil grown on land that should lawfully be habitat be habit. I can't read this. H A B I T A T lawfully be habitat to orangutans. I always thought it was orangutan like the drink orangutans rhinos and clouded leopards. I don't know what the fuck that is. Despite commitment to clean up supply chains. This is on top of them siphoning. Yeah. This is, this is, you know, a lot of times it's not me. This is the sentence. This is on top

of them siphoning. They fucking screen just went out. It's finally going to make a point. This is on top of them siphoning. They do have water from national parks that you've spoken about. I guess they take water out of national parks where they had agreements with Native American tribes that have since expired. What's it going to take to end Nestle's corruption? Maybe you can take this up as your cause the way the first ladies do. This is how you stop that. What you'd have to do is have politicians, politicians have to start earning fuck you money rather than being grossly underpaid. The fact that, you know, as a podcaster, comedian and actor, you can make almost as much if not more money than the president of the United

States is fucking pathetic. You know what I mean? They should have fuck you money. The second you become president, there should be like a, just be like a, like, you know, like a pitching machine that's just throwing one fucking heater over the place. Should be a bag of money the entire time you're there. So then when these guys go, hey, can we siphon this fucking out of here? You can be like, no, fuck you. Well, if you don't, we won't help you get reelected. I don't give a fuck. I got fuck you money. It probably wouldn't work. I don't. Sometimes I have good ideas. Sometimes I don't. So I guess, yeah, don't buy any Nestle crunch bars, everybody, and stay away from their bottled water and whatever else they make. Do they make thongs? All right. Do you feel how the

podcast just immediately fucking slowed down the second I started reading out loud? It's fucking unbelievable. Why do I do this? Why do I do this to myself? What is the shame? Is it because I was raised Catholic? All right. Accidentally made two girls my girlfriend. All right. I like this guy already. Hi, William the bald. Big fan from Kenya. Oh, this is a second language. All right. Love the podcast and F is for Family is amazing. That's amazing that you can watch it over there. No, you should see. Go on F, go on the internet. You can actually watch all these people. You know what? F is for Family, I feel like captures the Frank character that's loosely based on my dad. You know which one I think does it the best? It's Mexico. Because they got a lot of fucking

the same kind of people screaming and yelling, temper. You know what I mean? It just fucking works great. Somehow that'll come off as racist, but it was supposed to be a compliment. Long story short, I have had a crush on two ladies in my college class for over four years. Jesus Christ, this guy moves slow, huh? Now one of them is dying of ovarian cancer and I feel like it's too late. Oh, Jesus, not that. We care. We care in Phoenix. I bet you guys all pictured a white vagina. Yeah, fucking act like you guys care, huh? You can try to bully me into your fucking phony giving a shit. They probably showed that hurricane in fucking Houston on Comedy Central out here. That's how little you people care. You guys are all about yourselves.

All right. All right. I don't know where I am in this. I don't know how you follow a white vagina. Next item up for bids, a white vagina. Meekum auctions for serial killers. It would just be like women's body parts. Oh, we're so offended. Oh, fuck all of you. I'll steer even harder into it. Did you hear that they're going to start having Jeffrey Dahmer Day in Wisconsin? That's true. They have an all you can eat mystery meat day in Wisconsin. They're trying to change the perception that all they do is eat cheese up there. See? Are we done groaning? Because I'll keep fucking going. All right. So this guy's had a crush on these ladies for four fucking years, but since breaking up with my previous girlfriend three years ago, I decided to

not get into another relationship. So the whole time you were with this girl for three years, you had a crush on two other women for four years. I love this guy. He's a fucking mess. All I did with these two girls was light flirting from time to time. What is light flirting in Kenya? I was going to do some starving joke. You want a piece of bread? Just fucking with you. He's going to write back next week. Dear Bill, we are not Somalia or Ethiopia. We actually have food in Kenya, running water and skyscrapers. Anyways, all I did was flirt with one of them is the fun friendly kind, but she's kind of loose. Parentheses, open relationship, and sending nudes types. All right. So that's the one you bang. You double wrap it. You double wrap it. And the other is

conservative. The other is conservative, introvert, virgin, but I really enjoy her company. All right, there's the one you have kids with. This is an easy one. Well, a few days ago, it was my birthday, and I had both of them. And you had both of them? You just going to stop there? You bang both of them? Well, she's not a virgin anymore now, is she? Oh, both of them and some few friends over. This is his second language and I can't read for a party. I had a shitload of booze and was on, I'm going to guess right now, the one that he thinks is loose with held her alcohol and the virgin blew everyone at the party. That's what I'm going with. Maybe I've been in Hollywood too long, but this can't be linear. It has to make a left turn at some point to spin us into the

second act. Okay, well, a few days ago, it was my birthday and I, okay, I had them both over. All right, blah, blah, blah, blah. They came over. I had a shitload of booze and was on autopilot the whole time, but apparently I had the balls to ask the two ladies to be my girlfriend while he was drunk. I don't believe this is a true story or did he watch some Kenyan version of the Brady B bunch when Peter has two dates in one night. A few days later, I get a text from both of them asking whether I was serious about asking them out. I'm now in a huge dilemma of choosing between the two who I really like and the fact that I haven't been in a relationship in a while and basically forgot how to be in a relationship. Oh, shut the fuck up. You remember exactly how to be in a

relationship. That's why you don't want to be in one. Any advice would be appreciated. And, uh, okay, Enda Ugin Dina, which is Swahili for go fuck yourself. All right. Well, I think, uh, I think you got to go with the whore. You know, if you don't want to be in a relationship, but you did say girlfriend, I would just own up to it. Just be, just be like, listen, I've been, I was totally shit-faced when I sent that, but I have had a crush on you for four years. You always got to go with honesty with women. Guys go into it, you know, you always think you got to lie to them and all of that shit. You got to just, you just fucking lay your cards on the table. It's the best thing you can do.

She, they won't get mad. They might get a little upset, depending on what you say. You know, depends on how graphic you get. Where do you see this going? I see you, uh, laying off the edge of my bed on your back with your head hanging off as I fuck your mouth while watching sports center. That might be a little too honest. You could just say, um, you know, just looking to have a good time. I would just go with honesty. I would tell both of them, dude, you see the fact that you're not in a relationship right now, you get to hit the reset button and you just go total honestly. I would tell them exactly what the fuck happened. Just

say, I had a crush on both of you for fucking four. I wouldn't have talked to them both at the same time, but I would say I sent it to two different people and that's what I did. And then just wait to hear what they say. That's it. And if they don't like it, who gives a fuck? Take you and your honesty to the next situation. I'm telling you, all right? That's the best way to handle the fucking thing. And then, uh, I don't know. Somehow you just tell them what's going on out Christ. I got to tell the story. Here's a story for you. One time when I learned about honesty, I was in my fucking early to mid thirties and I was just sick of lying and I met this chick. She was like 22 years old. So we get back to my apartment. This lady's leaving right now. She can't bear to listen to this right

now. So we get back to my apartment. We start making out and everything and she goes, wait a minute. She goes like, wait a second. She's like, where is this going? And I said nowhere. Oh, are you kidding me? I go, I'm like 50 years old and then you by the time you're 30, I'm going to be like 86 years old. All right. This is going to go nowhere. So whatever you want to do sexually, but you don't want to do with somebody that you like, you do with me. Right. And then you'll never have a midlife crisis because you got it out of your system. And you know what she said? She went, all right, that was it. Yeah. They're not as prudish as you think they are. Don't be a fr... That's the number one thing. You got to,

you got to go with the fucking honesty. Do you like me? No. No, you don't have to be me. You don't have to be me. I like you, but not like that. All right. Girlfriend loves my long hair. I don't. Oh, go fuck yourself. Jesus Christ. What do you do next? Go up to somebody with leukemia. My girlfriend loves my sick, free body. But I don't. I just love how you guys have this thing with disease. What is it with you guys in disease? Why does it make you so sad? It's mother nature trying to help us. They should close down all the pharmacies. Okay. And if you're lucky enough to be disease free, you live. That's what we need to do. Tough decisions have to be made.

Okay. So I've been growing my hair out for a while. Since I enrolled in college. Oh, dude, that's the time to do it. Good for you. Grow your hair out. Live your Steven Seagal years in your 20s. Get by a sword. Sit there, Indian style, meditating out on the fucking some sort of bluff. I never went to college, really. I never lived there. What do they call it? Out on the compound, the quad area, the grassy area. Just try to act interesting. Anyways, and I'm about to graduate this upcoming spring. My girlfriend and a few friends convinced me to grow my hair out since they are all the hippie type. Oh, that's not the cool long hair. This guy probably goes to the university at Denver.

I don't consider myself a hippie at all, but that is the crew I run with since I have known most of them since back in high school and they are all close friends. A couple of them have long hair too. I was open to the idea since I've had short hair for most of my life before that. The long hair turned out looking pretty good too. My girlfriend though loves the long hair on guys. A few days ago, I told her passingly that I've been thinking about cutting it and she immediately seemed really concerned saying, I just don't think it would look good, but I really love how it is. Is she just dating you for your hair, sir? But that she's only ever dated guys with longer hair. Dude, if you're looking to get out of this relationship, one quick trip to the fucking

barber. This is the easiest breakup ever and you got to go hardcore. I'd get like a cop flat top haircut. A detective mustache. This is the easiest breakup ever. Her concern kind of annoys me as she was saying that she would not be attracted to me in general if I cut it. To me, it seemed pretty shallow considering we've been together for almost three years. Yeah, dude, she doesn't love you. She doesn't love you. Get your fucking haircut and get out of there. That's what I do. I'm pretty fed up with my long hair and everything that comes with it. Naut's hair trying to get into my eyes. Yeah, dude, you learned something. You did something for her, not for fucking you, right? You don't like it. You're telling you you don't like it.

She says she doesn't like the fact that you don't like it. It's all there, sir. All right? This is what you do. You fuck her one more time and then you go get your haircut. I don't advise you doing that. That's mean. I just needed a laugh. Okay, here's the last one, everybody, and then we'll be almost at the end of the podcast. Hour and 10 minutes, just like that. First ever live one. There you go. All right. Guys lie on Tinder. Surprise. Hey, old Bill. I'm a 29-year-old single lady living in Virginia. Along with most other singles, my age, it seems I've had to try out various dating sites and apps over the years,

but haven't had any success cultivating anything more than a date here or there. I realized this, oh my God, this is so fucking long. Lady, maybe if you got to the point, you'd get a second date. That was a cheap shot. Admittedly, that was a cheap shot. I got anxiety on how long this was, and rather than admitting to the fact that I don't like to read out loud, I blamed her. I'm sorry, and I'm sorry for your horrible social life. Let's continue. I realize a lot of this was likely due to the fact that I've been pretty overweight my entire adult life. Now I'm sad. However, the last year and a half, I've managed to lose 112 pounds.

That's fucking awesome. It took you a year and a half. Good for you. 112 pounds and counting. She's not done yet. She's like John Elway. She's getting the rings at the end of her career. To take in all that shit in the press, she's finally living up to her expectations. I love it. And counting. By changing my diet and literally running my tits off on the elliptical for an hour, five times a week. That's fucking amazing. Good for you. Anyways, last week on Tinder, I matched with a very cute 29-year-old guy. He initiated the conversation. We had a great back and forth comparing what podcasts we listened to. I found out he actually lives in Ohio and was only traveling in my area for work for the next few days. All right, that's a red flag,

and he's on Tinder. He's looking to get his dick sucked. All right, that's it. He doesn't want to know how many brothers and sisters you have and what's your hobby. Oh, do you like to cook? Fantastic. Why don't you cook my balls in your mouth as I stroke my dick over here? Brutal honesty. Women like honesty. Anyways, I know I should have called it quits then, but finding out someone that can actually hold the conversation seems to be a real rarity these days. He asked me out to dinner, but because of my diet and wanting to be nice, I offered for him to come over for a home-cooked healthy meal. Oh, and you didn't fill him into the back story. Now he thinks he's getting anal. This is how guys think, okay? If we want this whole

Me Too thing to end, guys have to be honest about how they think. All right, he came over, was just a cute, was just as cute in person as in his pictures. The great conversation kept flowing. I can't believe he just met somebody on the internet and invited them over to your fucking house. Please tell me you had a fucking pistol taped to the inside of your leg. The great conversation kept flowing in six hours later. We were making out. We both had to be up early the next day. He left with plans to hang out again the next day after work. We did and ended up hooking up. He left Virginia the next day, but we continued to message pretty constantly over the next week with him initiating the conversation most of the time.

I swear to God, there's three paragraphs left, and I want to apologize to each and every one of you. I want to have a benefit for all of your ears having to listen to me have to fucking read this goddamn lawn. Please call the number at the bottom of the screen and a portion of the proceeds will go to everybody's eardrums in this room and also my dodge, two-door, hammy pickup truck for 40 grand. Anyways, all seem to be going pretty great except the eight hour distance in between one another. Well, yeah, okay. You guys never looked at a globe. However, you know what? There's an eye in Virginia. There's an eye in Ohio. They must be pretty close. Don't they alphabetize by a vowel in the middle of them or something? All seem to be going pretty

good. Okay, except for the eight blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Nothing really came. Okay, however, I just had a feeling something wasn't quite right, so I googled him. I'm guaranteed he has a family. Nothing really came up except his, I don't know what, profile. Then a few lines down, I see an old wedding gift registry site with his name on it. I called it. I swear to God, I didn't read this before. You think this sounds bad out loud? You should hear when I read quietly and I just hear me stuttering in my brain. I searched all the girls' names on the registry along with his last name on Facebook and bingo all over. This girl's profile are cute pictures of a sweet couple. The other half of which is the guy that I was in bed with a week ago. The son of a

bitch is married. What do I do here, Bill? Do I call the guy out on his shit and rip him a new one? Do I send his wife a message and tell her what he's doing? He travels. All the women are going, yes, all the guys are like, no, no, no, move on, move on. He travels the majority of the time for work and I'm sure I'm not the first person he's done this to. He already deleted his Tinder profile and our text message have only been PG for the most part, so I don't have any concern, concrete proof to send her. I feel completely wretch- w-r-e-t-c-h-e-d. Wretch it. All right, I was right. Jesus Christ. Wretch it. I thought this one you were like, puking. Wretching. All right, everybody's got a degree in

the room. I feel completely wretch-ed and terrible for the most part. I unknowingly played in this entire, I played into this entire situation. No, you didn't. You didn't unknowingly. This is like one of the oldest fucking stories on the internet. Also, any dating advice for me moving forward is also appreciated. Thanks for the advice and congrats on that beautiful baby girl of yours. Oh, thank you very much. All right. Yay. Oh, Billy became a father. All right. First of all, I got to be honest with you. You're kind of going Hillary Clinton on this thing where you're not taking any responsibility for this loss whatsoever. You're blaming him. You're calling him a piece of shit. You're the Electoral College. You're blaming the Sandinista and Rebels, everything.

But you, okay, you went on Tinder. Tinder is a total hookup site. It's full of fucking scumbags. Like, and then guess what? You met a fucking scumbag. So what I would take out of that is to not go on dating sites and I would try, I don't know, I would join like a fucking sports league or some shit, like go play some softball. I would try to do some hobby thing. I know this sounds like an old guy thing, but like, you know, the fucking internet is the internet. Now, if you want to go blow up this guy's life to make you feel better, I mean, you can also do that. I mean, I don't know. What I do, I just, when I fuck up, I just go, I fucked up and I just, I walk away from it. I mean, if you want to, if you want to do that, that's up to you. I don't fucking know. I mean, who knows?

Maybe, maybe his wife isn't blowing him. You know, let's try to blame his innocent wife now. You know, I just feel like in this age of hyperfeminism, the way women always just stick up for other women, that guys need to start doing this. So I have to stick up for this complete piece of shit here. Maybe, maybe, you know, maybe just the love's gone in the relationship. They got the kids. He doesn't want to leave. He just wants to know what it likes to have fun again. And you were fun. And he fucking, you know, it's kind of on you though, because the first night when you just hung out, all you got to do is look at his wedding ring. And if he's wearing a ring, you'll see the indentation from it. I mean, you got to go a little bump, bump, bump, bump, bump,

bump, right? Ma'am, I don't know why I'm blaming for you. Blaming you. I have no excuse for this fucking guy. I don't know. I mean, what about George Clooney in that, that movie where he's flying around in the planes and he showed up and that woman had a family? You know, did he say anything? He didn't. What was it called? Up in the air, right? And he was banging that woman, and then he went to her house and he found out that she was married and he was like, oh fuck, he just walked away. That's what guys do. We just, we just walk away. Women start pulling hedges out of the front yard. They start putting rabbits in the fucking stew and shit. Like, is that why we die sooner than they do? Because we just hold that in our chest, the fucking bitch

had a family. And you just carry that around for the rest of your life. Women get to get it out. Well, here's the thing. If he has kids and shit, like maybe he's just going through a fucking phase that he's working it out, you're going to blow up that family and their dad's going to leave. And just, just so you know, there's going to be two kids crying with this guy. He has kids. Does he have kids? I don't know. Personally, I would just take the loss and I would move on. I would just go like, listen, I checked you out. I found out you're married. You fucking piece of shit. And because I'm a cool chick, I'm not going to call you fucking wife. Go fuck yourself. I mean, you could do that. Or you could just, or you could just say, I don't

know. I don't know what to tell you. I can't throw another guy into the bus like this. That's what you would do. There you go. Someone in the crowd. So that's what I would do. Keep losing weight and move the fuck on. Yeah. But you have to, this is what you have to do. Yeah. You know what you got to look at that guy like? You got to look at that guy like when Columbus was sailing across the ocean. He didn't see land first. He saw branches. So he knew that something good was coming, right? That he could exploit and cut their arms off when they didn't give enough gold. Allegedly. I like how new evidence shows that he was this. What did you find? Did somebody scrawl it into a fucking tree? Yeah. Just look at this guy.

Okay. You're going to have to, you know, you're going to take some losses on your way to a championship. Okay. You don't blow up the whole team and burn down the fucking arena. That's what you want to do. Just know this. Take it as a compliment. You lost so much weight. You were worth risking a house for. I don't know. I got nothing. All right. You know what? That is the podcast. This is the first ever live podcast. Thank you guys so much for coming out. I hope you had a good time. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope it was fun. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Thank you. Good night. Even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years,

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