Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-30-23

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

Bill rambles about the social media addiction, women talking, and nature videos. SimpliSafe:  For a limited time, save 40% on any new system with a Fast Protect Plan at www.simplisafe.com/BURR   Policy Genius:  Head to policygenius.com/BILLBURR or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 30, 2023. What's going on? How are you? How's it going with you? Are you in your car? Do you hate your life?

It's not somebody else's fault. So don't be a cunt. Let them in and go get yourself a donut. Oh my God, I got a fucking headache. I caught my son's cold. Jesus Christ, I caught a cold. That's the fuck. You know why I caught a cold? You know what that is, don't you? You got that fucking vaccine? He got vaccinated. And now we got a fucking cold. Do you know that was actually something?

Somebody was saying on fucking social media, the worst part of and the best part of my job is social media. Social media because I can promote things. Can you promote things? Yes, I can. Like what? Well, I can promote Joe Bartonick, my buddy Joe, the Rose Bowl tailgate legend. He's coming home, right?

They say you can never go home, but you know, Joe Bartonick, he's a fucking rebel. He is going home. Barton is going to be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, on November 11th at the lowlev brewery, L-O-L-E-V. Tickets are going fast because his special is crushing for all things comedy, which I knew it would. So go check him out. Now, would. So go check him out. Now, if he has too much pigment, if his mustache is too intimidating, if he looks too much like a linebacker's coach and you're more into dungeons and dragons, you could maybe go see me. I'm going to be, I have upcoming shows. I of course don't have the dates. These are the cities I'm going to be in. All right, I'm doing Boston at the TD Bank North Garden November 4th. All right, that's gonna be the Dennis Leary Camneyly thing. One of my favorite things to do. It's like a stand-up reunion and also it's a great

cause. That's November 4th at the TD Bank North Garden, home of your 801 Boston fucking Bruins. I saw the Celtic speed the next the other night. I'm also, but before, and then after that, I go to one of those fucking casinos there, Fox Woods, the next day, I think that's November 5th, then I have a day off on the sixth, and then on the seventh, I'll that's November 5th, then I have a day off on the 6th. And then on the 7th, I'll be in Norfolk, Virginia.

Alright, who they had a big victory against the Miami Hurricanes, I believe. Virginia did, I don't know where the fuck their school is, because I didn't study in high school, one of the stupidest things I ever fucking did, not because I wanted to make something my life, because I want to go to a school that has a sports program that I can actually give a fuck about. After that, okay, we're gonna do the dates and then my disappointments. After that, was at 6th, 7th, 8th, I'll be in Atlanta, Georgia, one of my favorite fucking states,

favorite fucking people, worst fucking traffic than Los Angeles. I put it right up there. It is the LA of fucking, as far as traffic goes. And then I'm gonna be in Hollywood, Florida. That's how fucking Hollywood I am now. Even when I go to Florida, I have to go to Hollywood. Did I go to Tampa where the real people are?

Go over to Orlando, huh? Go hang out with Tiger Woods and his gated community? No, I'm not. I'm going to Hollywood, Florida. And then I'll be at Madison Square Garden. And then after that, all I have is I have a date in Las Vegas. And then a billy sick face is done for the year. And all I'm gonna do is play with my kids, love my wife, play some drums and get a cup

of coffee. I mean, that's what life is, right? Life is fucking simple. But let's get to what I saw on fucking Instagram. I finally realized that I'm a simple man. Okay, and that is a nice forgiving way to say that I'm a fucking meathead. All right, so I need to keep shit simple. I need my life to be fucking simple. All right. So these fucking people on Instagram, I'll say how social media is

a blessing in a curse. It's a blessing if you're a performer because you can promote your projects, right? Provided there was no strike. But the thing about it is, is it's so fucking, I am so fucking addicted to Instagram. I'm not addicted to my phone. I'm addicted to Instagram. Let's stop blaming the phone. All right, but the phone is the gateway. That is the gateway drug to getting on Instagram because I don't know how else to be on Instagram.

I guess I could do it on my computer, but I just think like, why would I have this big fucking stupid thing what I could do on this little thing? And I just go on this thing. And I just, I fucking scroll and scroll and scroll. And scroll, that's what I do. I was off that shit.

I broke in the habit. I was reading books. Imagine that Can you even imagine dumb Billy Burr fucking reading books? That's what I was doing. I was I was on a fucking tear I read like four books this year All right, that's like one every fucking 72 weeks Actually is 52 we shot the fuck up you fucking math major cunt You have your problems too. All right, I'm a sick man.

I'm in a bad mood. Uh, bad mood, I just have a fucking splitting headache. Splitting, I wouldn't say splitting. I have an annoying headache. I could handle it, but I gotta do a podcast, all right? So I want you guys to feel bad for me. I wanna be considered a hero. Can I be considered a first responder because my podcast comes out on Mondays? You know,

I want people to come up to me and thank me for my service. I mean, that's what everybody's becoming a fucking hero. It used to be heroes were heroes. People did brave shit. Now everybody becoming a fucking hero. Used to be heroes were heroes. People did brave shit. Now everybody's a fucking hero, right? I think if you get a fucking hammer from a whore, don't you have to thank her for her service? Probably do. You know, I love how women like,

act like them having sex with you as they did you a fucking favor. Like, they didn't have a good time too. Like they was somehow put out by having physical pleasure. It's one of the, they are fascinating. How no matter how good it is, I'm not even talking sex. I mean life, no matter how good it is,

they're still, they're still fucking put upon. Oh, is this the headache? Or am I, or am I dropping truth bombs? Is that what the kid said five fucking years ago? So anyways, I'm on the Instagram. On Instagram, I look at drum videos, or anything music. Anybody crushing anything music, I watch that,

and I look at people that fucking have bad ass cars in fucking motorcycles. And every once in a while, I'll see a fitness model, but I know not to click on it because once you do the entire fucking, your entire fucking search becomes fucking fitness models, all right? I looked at one, I looked at 5,000 fucking cars.

How come it's not all cars? You know, you know why? Cause whores are low-hanging fruit. And I know they say they're fitness models, but let's be honest, they're fucking whores. All right. You can do yoga with clothes on. Jesus Christ.

I actually sent my wife one. I was watching there was this woman. We'll call her a woman. All right. I don't think other women would call her a woman, but if I call her what she really is, then all of a sudden I'm an asshole. So she was doing a cooking video slash showin' off her fucking cleavage and her ass. Like how many times have you seen somebody's ass in a fucking cooking

video? It just it's impossible. That she like looking over his shoulder like, I'm making a pumpkin spice latte, right? So it was literally soft, soft core port. She was making like pumpkin donuts or something. She was fucking gorgeous, but it's like she's making the donuts and her perfect titties are like hanging like right above the batter and shit. It's like, I just went into the comments because I wanted to see everybody saying what did she cook? Nobody know

Right god bless her god bless her. Why would you want to get a fucking job? Everybody's gonna treat you like shit not want to fucking pay you if you're a good-looking woman get out there and Horror it up on Instagram. I say So anyway, I don't know where the fuck I was, but somewhere, you know, it was that classic Instagram shit where somebody just makes this bold statement with no fucking evidence behind it. And one of the things that they said was,

Amish people never get sick. All right, and there was no stats. There was nothing to prove that statement. And everybody just went with it. Homage people don't get sick. Why? Because this fucking guy we don't even know his background. If he even knows any Amish people. And the whole time, what is the dude or the lady? What are they doing? They're selling a book on fucking home remedies. So they just start with this big statement. Reminds me of that Robert Klein, he had this great joke making fun of late night TV

back in the day before the internet. These fucking people teaching you how to make money, right? And he goes, they start off, they go, okay. So he goes, all right, you have no money so you buy a house, right? Like, they take the equity from the house, you don't know how to bubble, right? It was doing like that shit.

This guy just starts, and this lady starts with obvage people, never get sick. They don't get cold because they do this concoction of natural honey, onions, garlic. I don't want the fuck it was, right? So of course he doesn't just give you the recipe. It's in his fucking book. It's like, why can't you just give me,

somebody gave you the fucking recipe? Why couldn't you pass it on to us? Now we gotta buy your book. We gotta buy your book, because you don't wanna work for the corporate cuts So everybody's just taking a fucking slice out of every which reminds me Okay, I was in fucking Reno today This morning I had a great fucking time. I love that city that city is so fucking cinematic

Like how the Cohen brothers have never shot a fucking movie down there is just beyond me All right, and an unbelievable cup of coffee at this place. Midnight coffee With this this amazing chef like I don't know he grows his own beans. I don't roast his own beans I don't know what it was, but it was fucking outstanding. It was like really strong but smooth. You know what I mean? Like a great bourbon. Oh Billy misses the bourbon. Oh Billy Bourbon face. Billy Bourbon face at night. Billy sad face in the morning. Billy apologizing at 10 a.m. Oh yeah, that was my life. So anyways, I had a great time. They treated me amazing. The crowd was fucking awesome. And I just had like the perfect day, right? So I go to the fucking airport. And we miss breakfast. So we sit down. So I order a fried chicken sandwich. And the lady

says to me, she goes, do you want chips with that? Or do you want to upgrade to fries? And I looked at her and I said, fries is an upgrade. She said, yeah, it's $4. I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind? French fries come with the sandwich. Okay, French fries are that tag along fucking, I'm gonna upgrade to fried fucking potatoes. You know, I want somebody, okay, I need a whistleblower. Somebody that works in corporate America in like, how do you guys sleep at night? When it used to be the customer's always right. And now your whole fucking motivation is how can we fuck them in the ass, another inch

deeper this week? You know, you know, what's fucking funny? Is they're just going to do that? That they're going to act like french fries are an upgrade. The same way they act like, you know, avocado, you know, I can't get some guacamole on that burrito. Guacamole is extra. Why? I got a fucking avocado tree. My god damn yard. I'm not in fucking Maine. Why am I paying extra for fucking avocados? And you know what's funny? They don't even get fucking avocados out here.

They get them from Mexico. People look, why do they do that? Cause they don't wanna fucking pay anybody. I don't even know if they use avocados here in California. I have no fucking idea. Somebody just said that. The same way this, so right now, you know what? We need to start banding together as people.

All right. You want to upgrade French fries? Don't take it out of the waitress. It's not her. Don't kill the messenger. All right. Just say no. Just look at her and say French fries should come with the sandwich.

I'm offended by that question. I will take the potato chips. Okay. And if enough people fucking say that, they still won't do anything. What they'll do is they'll put a chemical in the fucking potato chips that will make you lust for french fries. That's what they do in the fucking food industry. The food industry does not look at drug addicts in a sad way. They look at them, they look at it in an envious way. They look at heroin and fucking all of these goddamn fucking crazy drugs, math and all that with envy.

And they go, can you imagine if we could create food feeds? And that's what they did with salt and sugar and chemicals and all of this shit. And these fucking, pieces of shit, people in the government who don't give a fuck, just let them do it. So that's what the problem is. Your problem is, our problem now becomes,

like how do I get off sugar? Like I beat sugar so far, right? I'm sober now from sugar. I just had this, I just said it out loud, I said I'll read the desserts, right? Which is a great thing to fucking do. You know, because I hate going to the fucking gym, all right? But if you eat a fucking dessert, one fucking dessert wipes out three days of the gym. You just spent three days on a fucking elliptical throwing weights around, trying not to look at that chick's ass, try to be a fucking good guy. For what?

For what? All you did was just wear out your fucking joints, making your beside us slowly turn into authoriters. That's what you did. And then you ate a bunch of fucking sugar, negated what you did. And now sugar inflames your fucking joints. Fucking up your shoulder even more. It's a goddamn gag bag. That's what the fuck it is. They're out to get you. Oh Jesus, Bill. You take a little night

quilt. This is this Billy Nightwell right here. Oh night night, William. Billy night night. So anyways, these stupid cuts, it's not stupid cuts. This fucking guy's selling this book. So he just makes this statement. I'll let people never get sick. They never get fucking sick. It's fascinating. They never get sick, right? Because of this concoction

that he won't tell you how to fucking make it. He tells you a few of the ingredients, but you got to buy the book. And then like that wasn't fucking insulting enough. All right, the way he's not gonna tell me, the way if you get into that fucking, that meditation, what is it? Not that tantric shit, that's so you can fuck for nine hours. Why would you ever want to do that? Trans, transcendental fucking meditation. I was just like, you know what I'm a psycho. I need to, I need to do that.

And there's no place where you can learn it. They just won't teach you how to do it anywhere. You have to go there and then they talk to you and then they figure out what the word is that comes you down and they give you a special word and you pay them and then they teach you how to meditate. That's what the fuck we did with meditation, which wasn't even ours. We took from it, I believe it all came from India.

Right? I don't know, how to fuck it. You believe it all came from India right I know how to fucking you follow the fucking paper trail all the paper trail does here I just go back to the founding fathers those fucking guns taking credit for everything All right, I don't trust a man in a wig, okay? I don't trust a man with two pay I don't trust a man with a fucking hair system. Okay, so I don't give a fuck about these founded fathers the fucking hair system. Okay, so I don't give a fuck about these founded fathers. They all look miserable. They all look like they needed to go outside

the fucking son. So anyway, I go into the comments section on this fucking Instagram stupid as fucking post. And there was people in there claiming that the reason why people gets get colds is because they got the jab they got the fucking vaccine And I'm like I these just like Robot saying this shit to make people flip out and comment it has to be that The person is literally acting like no one ever got a cold

until after they came out with the vaccine, which wasn't a vaccine. It's more of like a booster shot. But before that, nobody got a fucking cold. And it's that type of shit that makes me put my phone down and then I walk around and I argue with somebody, I don't even, I don't even know if they're fucking real. And I kind of had this epiphany last night going like I have to get off of

this fucking thing, but I can't get off of this fucking thing because it is a monster when it comes to fucking promoting my shit. It's a direct line to people that like my stupidity, you know, so I have to be on it. So I got to figure out... I don't want to get to figure out. Okay, I'm just a sick man, alone in a chair, wearing pajamas. I have a flannel pajamas. Oh, this fucking cold's just taken a hold of me. I just turned the fucking corner. You know, when you think you're gonna fight it off with your stupid little fucking sticks, whatever those fucking things are called,

Zaycam. The secret is to take it, right as you feel the cold coming on. Well, I did it and I still got a fucking cold. All right, so. You know what, Ed is, because you live in a liberal fucking city, which isn't even liberal if you've been out here.

It's liberal in Hollywood. Ah, you go fucking half an exit down. All right, so anyway, It's liberal in Hollywood. Ah, you go fucking half an exit down. Uh, alright. So, anyway, how about the NFL football? Wap, Wap, Wap, Wap, doo-doo, bedded, Buddha, Buddha, fucking, pants lose again.

Page sheets lose again, whatever. You know, we had a great two decade run. I'm fucking, alright, with it. It's hard watching Bill Bellicic lose though. I think eventually we will turn it around. But anyway, plowing ahead here, I bet the fucking, I bet the goddamn Ravens lay in eight and a half against the fucking Cardinals.

And I swear to God, I had to go for a fucking walk after that game You know what I mean? It was just like first of all They should have beat the fuck out of them and what happens? They're actually losing at the half okay, and that happens I can handle that I also took the chiefs and for some unfuck and known reason they didn't show up today and lost to the Broncos, but you know, you gamble that happens. They'll be like, why? It's a fucking, you know, you're not going to win every week and some underdog is always

going to be that fucking happens. But I'll tell you right now, what happened in fucking Phoenix, Arizona, Glendale, wherever those motherfuckers play was criminal. Ravens come storming back. You know, I was actually watching the Bengals in the 49ers, which was fun to see Joe Burrow healthy and just picking apart that fucking defense. And that's a great defense. And the ball, he was throwing the catches the guys who were making and how great they have front four played on defense. I mean, it was fantastic. Great fucking game, right? And I'm looking at the ticker, right? Cause you know, it's fucking overrated. The NFL package is so fucking stupid. It's, you know,

I'm watching 16 fucking games. It's stupid. It's just dumb. I always ended up watching the network fucking game. We're going to watch some random fucking game because I got money on it. I'm getting these not ready for prime time fucking announcers. I want fucking Tony Romo. I want Chris Collins worth. I want the fucking big boys, right? So I'm watching the goddamn ticker.

And I don't even know what happened. They were up, I swear to God, they were up like, by fucking 20 points. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm gonna wait. I'm gonna go two and two this week. I can handle two and two. I'm an adult when some you lose some That's life life could be a dream life could be a dream Sorry, I've seen cars like a million times

um And then I'll have sent the 49ers Bengals game ends and they they switch over to the fucking Cardinals Ravens and the fucking Cardinals are lining up for a field goal and they're down by Ted and I'm going what the fuck? They hit this field. I'm gonna lose I'm gonna lose my fucking bet What the fuck happened So they fucking hike the ball and raise the kickers coming in, they blow the fucking whistle. Alright, the guy misses the field goal, of course. What a cover.

What happened? False died. Number go fuck yourself on the offense. That's a five yard penalty. Re fucking kick. And the second I saw that, I'm like, he's gonna hit this one. It was close, but he fucking hit it and I lost. And I was, I fucking went on.

Can you believe it? I went on a tie-rate. I lost my fucking temper. Oh my God. What am I doing? I'm betting on a sports league that won't call itself a sports league. That's like having a girlfriend

that's uncomfortable with calling yourself a girlfriend. You know what that means? That means she's got some dick on the side. The fact that these sports leagues call themselves entertainment leagues because that's the one fucking thing the government pays attention to for some reason. If there's the one fucking thing the government pays attention to for some reason. If there's a fixed fucking game, oh they got to

get in there, they got to get to the bottom of it to make sure they're fucking like act like they're doing their fucking jobs. Oh Jesus Christ. I literally just lost my fucking train of thought. I'm so okay. So yeah, they call themselves a fucking sports league. I'm walking around right now, reliving this loss. They call themselves sports leagues. And now they're in bed with Vegas. They're in bed with gambling organizations. And I'm supposed to sit there and hack like this

is all on the up and up. I'll tell you right now now if I've learned fucking anything In my 31 plus years in show business is everybody has a fucking side deal. Don't ever forget that everybody has a fucking side deal Onside kick like that fucking recombinant I got all that fucking recombinant. I know this is just the babbling because somebody who lost a bet. What the fuck am I doing doing that shit? Because it's fun when you win.

Yeah. The whole world doesn't even, you get to a point in a certain age. You're like, nothing makes sense. And it's never going to make sense. You know? Like the level of enlightenment you have to be individually to human beings now. You know, is there literally a cricket in my fucking room?

You hear that? Or is that just the sound of people not listening to my podcast? Crickets are talking to each other. It's fucking guys losing his mind. It's fucking sitting alone with pajamas, yelling about a fucking game that has no effect on his life. The level of sensitive and understanding that you have to be as an individual to another individual, which I don't think is a bad thing.

Basically you can say, don't be an asshole, right? Don't say this, this say this dude, you know, all right. I don't have a problem with that You know, you can't make fun of fat people, right this struggling They're addicted, you know the fucking junkies their food junkies We have to look at them like they have a fucking disease and all that you can all of that shit yet war is legal You can still have war, you know, and it's just reported on, you know, like this is just part of life. Like how come all of this shit that's being outlawed and all of this stuff, you can't say like solving our problems with war is still a fucking a way to go as we're evidently going to enter fucking World War III. You know what'd be amazing if everybody around the world just quit their army. Just like fuck that. We're not going to, we're not doing it.

We're not fucking doing it. You know what? Because everybody, I've been around the world. I've been in all of these different fucking countries. And you know what? People look cool. People don't want problems. They don't. They want to find the person that they should spend their life with. They want to start a family. Or maybe they don't.

Maybe they want to just go solo. But nobody wants to fucking go around killing people. Psychos want to do that. You know, just every fucking country, whoever's running their country, is a fucking psycho. They're fucking psychos. I just, I don't know. And they, it's like, they're the ones that should be fighting. Why? Just in a perfect world that would fucking happen. Perfect world, people would be like French fries are not an upgrade. And we're not fighting your fucking war. Okay, if you have a fucking

problem, you two fucking guys go fight to the death you know put it on after the UFC this world leader versus this world leader right and they can fight each other whatever fucking wins all you get is you get to say I killed that other fucking psycho and there'll be one last psycho and then we'll give the psycho a fucking belt so we can feel like a fucking champion. We let him live on the hill so we can look down at us and then the rest of us just be who we are. Fucking cool. Isn't really that simple bill. I wish it was evidently it isn't.

Oh, the nightquil baby. Well, I wish it was evidently it isn't. Oh, the nightquil baby, the nightquil. What, what, what, what aperteef do you pair nightquil with? I had a Caesar salad with nightquil. Oh my God, that's amazing. Did you take a picture of it and put it on Instagram? All right, let's do the advertising for this week. Uh, simply say, for everybody, when everyone wants to be and what everyone would be, if they weren't fucking murderous, psycho, fucking lunatics in the world.

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Don't know you'll figure it out. I'll end up on a porn site All right, here we go. We're gonna to get into the reads this week, the reads. We're going to the weeds with the reads and it rhymes. You know, it's fucking true. All right, dynasty. All right, hey, oh, Billy shark attack. Oh, Jesus, I told you, somebody sent me a fucking video of a fucking, a person just getting eaten by a goddamn shark. I don't know what in the fuck people are doing swimming out in the fucking ocean that far out. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. Jesus fucking Christ. Anyway, hey, oh Billy Shark attack. By the way, I finally

watched the Moto GP race. I just watched the last one. Fantastic fucking race. I'm a do-cati guy. I thought for a second, you know, we did that pass around the outside. I knew it was going to happen. And then once he slammed in the brakes, Brad Binda and the other fellow there, we're going to go buy up. It's shaping up to be a great end of the year. It's going to come down to the last race, huh? Firstly, the only pull-ups you'll be doing at 70 will be putting on your adult diaper. That's a great goddamn joke. If I wasn't babbling, that would have got a bigger laugh. Hey, oh Billy Shark Attack. First, firstly, the only pull-ups you'll be doing at 70 will be putting on your adult diapers. Wow.

You know guys, this age is some stuff really has to stop. But war is fine. For rugby fans like myself, an example of a dynasty would be the New Zealand All Blacks. Oh yeah, I don't know shit about rugby, but I know you do not fuck with New Zealand All Blacks. They do that that, I don't know, I don't know what the song is called.

They sing this fucking song. It's like, Imagine somebody at karaoke All right, and right before they went up to sing they just found out that their wife fucked their best friend That's the look on their face when they come up there, you know And they're gonna blame you and you know what and you're the one that fucked their wife. That is their vibe And they're gonna blame you and you know what? And you're the one that fucked that wife. That is their vibe. All right, I watched that shit and I'm just like,

I can't believe the other team doesn't immediately forfeit. Anyway, winning back-to-back World Cups in 2011 and 2015 with an unbeaten 14 game season. This is the All Blacks. In 2013 and a 90% win rate of those four years between 2011 and 2015 is saying that that's a dynasty. I don't have a problem with any of those numbers. I know you don't like responding to rugby fans.

Why? I love rugby. I actually started watching it. I know that South Africa just won the fucking World Cup and they beat New Zealand. Correct? I'm paying attention. Well, I have a friend that's into it. Because the USA suck at it. Um, you know, rugby fans, the worst thing you can do is get America involved in rugby. you can do is get America involved in rugby. All right, we have more money than you. We have better drugs, okay?

Our drugged up guys are gonna come down there and just beat the fuck out of you. I don't give a shit what song they say. But World Rugby have expanded the next tournament increasing it by four teams to make it near impossible for the US to not make it in the Q, make it in. Q, USA, still failing. All right, first of all, sir, like I don't understand why you're trashing us about not doing well in a sport that we don't give a fuck about. Do you know every four years,

we don't win the World Cup in soccer and nobody cares. Nobody cares. Okay, we have our four fucking sports. That's what we care about and we call them world championships because we don't give a fuck about you guys. All right. And that's why you can't stop paying attention to us. Well like that hot chick, you just want us to give a fuck.

Ooh, look what I did. I won a World Cup in soccer. We don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about your fucking pickleball. I don't give a fuck about what I don't give a shit. I respect it. I don't have the fucking time. I don't have the time watch NBA basketball.

It comes on the same time as the NHL. You got to pick a sport. All right. I don't give a fuck. All right, so stop, like, I don't, it's like you're fighting a one way war here, buddy. Yeah, you dominate us in rugby. We suck at rugby, okay? Guess what I can do.

I can get on with my life and I can forget you said that within five fucking minutes. It'd be like me trashing you that you're not good at American football. Like, how hard would you laugh if I, you got him? You'd be like, that's not even a fucking sport. You guys don't even respect the fucking sport, you know? Say what you want about rugby. Like, I, I, people have done playing football over here. They have like fucking brain damage. And they snap and they start shooting at cops, they kill their whole family family or kill themselves.

I don't see that happen in rugby. But anyways, you know what, hey, you guys, yeah, you guys better than us. Anyway, still enjoying most of the content. Content. Glue and go fuck yourself. Whatever that means. All right, well, there you go. I actually really, really enjoy rugby.

I think it's an amazing fucking sport and I can live happily the rest of my life if the USA never even had a team or if we never got in. I just don't give a fuck. I don't know when it starts. I don't know when it ends. All right, you just had the championship. So I'm going know when it starts. I don't know when it ends. All right, you just had the championship. So I'm going to say it starts maybe in April or May. Do you play for six months? Is there some sort of metric system? Do you have an extra month in the summer that we don't know about? I don't fucking know. Uh, how many Stanley cups have you wanted the in fucking New Zealand? I'm gonna take that fucking Auckland, Pakistani fan, dear Billy Burlap.

I often, I now get in a fucking hot here. Am I going through menopause? You know what's overrated? Fucking flannel pajamas. Is it ever cold enough that these things are, you know what this is good about? When you fucking forgot to bring out the trash barrels, that's when it's good to be wearing flannel pajamas. When you're outside, you know,

and you get attacked by a bear, you know, and the flannel acts as like a repellent. You know, like, you know that fish that if they, if you bite it, the other fish bite it and it makes their mouth all stuck together. I think flannel pajamas would do that. People in flannel pajamas never get killed by bears. I'll tell you how, if you buy my book,

do your Billy Burlap. I often have your podcast or Netflix specials playing in the background while I'm at work. Well, I would say you're not doing a good job. All right, how about you focus a little bit. Anyway, I'm a big fan of yours from Islamabad, Pakistan. All right, that's fucking great. What's up to you and everybody in Islamabad who just wants to find love, you know, and be okay and not

have to fight wars. Wouldn't that be fantastic? I appreciate how knowledgeable you are about so many things. Alright, I feel like a right homecoming. This is too many compliments. Finance, human relationship dynamics, and human beings in general. People are alike all over. There you go. That's right. He said, I worry about the US dollar collapsing. Well, that's why we keep getting involved in wars, isn't it? So we can up our level of debt so the Ponzi scheme continues. At some point the checks coming people. And we're going to have a tight and a belt and put our pants on one fucking leg at a time. He says, our currency or she, is called the rupee.

Our government prints it into oblivion just like yours. Oh, wow, that's amazing. So I guess the Federal Reserve doesn't, if they weren't doing it, the government would be. It's not the global reserve currency, so our capacity to ruin it for everyone isn't as much. This is a wild time to be living it, man. This is, this is, this is feel like we're getting into the third act of a Tom Cruise or Will

Smith movie. Anyway, I hope you visit Pakistan sometime. We are the world's fifth biggest country by population and 36 biggest by land area. You know what? I would love to go over there, but I'm just worried about what my government has done there, and then I'm gonna be the sacrificial lamb. Okay, to be honest with you. We don't exactly, you know,

we've done the Irish goodbye to a lot of countries as all of us say. It'd be a dream come true to see you talking to an audience of college kids here. I would love to do that. English is an official language here. We were ruled by the British. Oh, what a surprise. The nerve of those cunts to look down on Americans like we're fucking assholes. You know, you guys raised us, all right? All of our behavior. We learned from you. Anyway, and we separated out of India to create a more religiously tolerant country.

parentheses, we fucked that up. Oh, I know, you guys in India don't get along. That's terrible because I've met Pakistani people, I've met Indian people. And you're fucking great people. You guys are funny too. So stupid. The whole fucking thing is are funny too. It's so stupid. The whole fucking thing is so fucking stupid. It's like I was in Reno.

That's such a fucking beautiful city if our government gave a fuck and helped those people out, you know, but there's no money in helping out nice people. I don't know what it is. I just don't get it. Anyway, we're one of the most badly affected by climate change nations.

Oh God. We have the most glaciers one of the most badly affected by climate change nations. Oh, God. We have the most glaciers outside of the north and south poles. Himalayas and Caracorn mountains. I can imagine you struggling to pronounce this. Oh, yeah. Well, I did. As those glaciers melt, we have a lot more flooding. I know it's a convention, a convention to insult you at the end, but I respect you far too much to do that. Bless you. You bring smiles to millions of people and make the world a better place by being in it. All right, I'm such an, I had such an abusive childhood that I feel like you're buttering me up to go over there so you and 10 friends could beat the shit out of me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm fuck it with you, that's very nice of you. Thank you, a fan of yours from Islamabad. I hope I said that right. Well, that was nice. See, look at that. Be once in a while. You could be nice and respectful. Well, you know what, that's amazing

that you even know who the hell I am. And that I imagine you must have a gorgeous country and I'm sorry for the climate change. You know, oops, we're gonna turn around though people. We're gonna figure out, clean up the oceans. We're gonna straight up and fly right. Something's gonna happen. Something positive's gonna happen.

I now have my pajama top. It's just completely unbuttoned. I'm looking at my pasty belly and I just, I look, I don't know what I look like. I look unemployed. That's what I look like, but it's at night. So you think, all right, maybe he gets his shit together

and actually goes to work. How to win an argument with a woman from a mental health counselor. Okay, hey, Billy Cheesehead, I'm an Ecuadorian living in the United States. Welcome. It happens to be that I am also a mental health counselor. Well, I bet you get plenty of work over here.

You know, fucking, you can start with me. I wanted to tell you the secrets on how to win an argument with your woman. I like the way you said my woman. I like how possessive that is. I don't think that's toxic at all. I just feel like I just added an asset to my portfolio. I never have the opportunity to say it in my private practice during couples therapy because women usually take most of the time and I never have the time to explain this in logical terms. Oh, Jesus Christ dude. I mean, if I could fucking buy you a beer right now, I mean, that's one of the most beautiful

sentences. I'm going to read that again. I never have the opportunity to say it in my private practice during couples therapy because women usually take up most of the time and I never have the time to explain this in logical terms. I mean, if I know how to take a hammer and a chisel and carve that into a giant rock, I would do it. Now, the solution is easy. Just fucking acknowledge their emotion before you present your logical argument.

Okay, it's that easy. It's like a glitch in the matrix. Just say, I see you are upset or whatever fucking emotion you think they are experiencing. And then present your argument. If you do this, I can guarantee you that you will win every argument. Every argument, that sounds like some late night TV shit. All right, and I'll show you how to do it for 1995.

Please try it out because you need to practice this before you actually use it. All right, I'm gonna try that, I'm gonna get off this podcast. I had a headache and I asked my wife where the Tylenol was and she didn't fucking say anything so I had a rumble just for all the goddamn drawers and I found it myself. Alright, and then she comes in and she goes, did you find the Tylenol? And I'm like, yeah.

She goes, what's wrong? You didn't even help me. I asked you if I helped me? You didn't even help me. I asked you if I helped me. You didn't even say anything. She goes, what are you talking about? I told you that our son got up and I had to put him to bed. And then he said he had to go potty. And I'm like, you said all of that. And I didn't hear any. All I heard was silence. And she said, yeah. And I said, all right. Okay. Okay. All right, you know, that's where we're at. But that was one of the deals that I was upset.

I don't know, I guess I'll have to buy your second book. Anyways, I hope this free counseling advice helps my fellow men and women that have to deal with his bullshit. Huge fan and please go hug yourself. Look at self-fuckin' positive this week. I ended up in a good note though. Huge fan and please go hug yourself. Look at self-fucking positive this week. Um I ended on a good note though. I always ended on a good note. I don't do that going to bed fucking angry. You know

uh It's stupid Make sure I fucked up dreams about buying a motorcycle and just riding away from everything uh mood enhancer. I could use a fucking mood enhancer right now. I'm gonna do it in the form of liquid death, everybody. Death to plastic.

Look at this, I just snuck a plug in. It's almost like I invested in the company, and you can't fucking trust me. Oh god, dammit, that's fucking fresh mountain water right from somebody's faucet. like I invested in the company and you can't fucking trust me. Oh god dammit, that's fucking fresh mountain water right from somebody's faucet. Uh, mood enhancer, dear Bill, I have a secret to make. I have a secret to make. I have a secret to make you more at ease with trials and tribulations of the world. Alright, hang on one fucking second. I gotta handle something.

This is disgusting, but I'm gonna do it. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Put the hit pause. All right. All right, this last person just taught me how to fucking win and argue with the woman every time. Time. Oh, God, it's not going down by throwing a woman every time. Time.

Oh God, it's not going down my throat. I'm gonna go through puberty. And then the other guy, I got sent me from Pakistan that said, bless you. What a fucking nice thing to say. Anyway, I know you're a nature boy. I think the earth is beautiful. So you might, so this might work with you.

I mean, I'm not, I'm not an outdoorsman. I like being outside. That's just because my responsibilities are inside. That's why I like my back porch. I said, oh, the porch is not into,. I go inside on God. This shit, this stuff has happened. Anyway, this person is going to help me with the trials and tribulations of the world. I know you're an H.O. Boy and think the earth is beautiful, so this might work for you. Before bed, I now watch 15 minutes of David Attenborough narrated earth

documentary. Oh, how can you do that? Every fucking animal they talk about, they go, it's now endangered in the end. They get you to love the fucking thing and then they say why it's fucked up. Someone's taking a fucking dump in their bird nest or something. Birds nest. Anything where he's talking about a simple or complex creature or ecosystem and I start, and I start to feel small and think the earth will be fine without us. Oh, it'll be fantastic without us, but we'd have to clean it up. If we all just fucking died, that wouldn't be the solution,

because the nuclear reactors would overheat, and then it would fucking wipe everybody out. I saw that one time on a fucking nature show. Anyway, this person says, I started this after I was told my pre-bred ritual of watching videos on my phone and falling asleep to TV was making me on edge every morning. Oh, look at that. Okay, I'll go with that. Do you have a pre-bed ritual? A glass of

warm milk, you twinkle toes. Dude, you guys are fucking funny, man. I got funny as fucking list. I don't laugh. Well, I do I laugh a lot I actually do laugh a lot, but you these are legit fucking jokes Thanks for the laugh. Thank you for the last a glass of warm milk your twinkle toes. Let's do there's another good joke in there This one was amazing What is what is with the fucking depends one? The only pull-up show we do it a 70 will be putting on your adult diapers. That could be one of those fucking

Comedy Central Roasts that get a laugh. Look at you guys, you guys are all grown up. All these years, listen to the podcast, you fucking tell them better jokes than me. What is my pre-bed ritual? You know what I do? I don't know, I just do what I always do. I shoot this shit with my wife. Joke around trying to make a laugh. You know, and then I make fun of whatever fucking reality TV show she's watching. I like to do that. But you know, there's no learning. That's what you're saying. Do I do I do I do I pray? Do I fucking?

Yeah, no, I don't do it anymore. I you know Listen, I can't even finish a fucking sentence. I'm so fucked up We granted among cold medicine right now. You wouldn't be if you took the fuck you get the fucking job Let's be honest, okay? The vaccine didn't stop you from getting COVID, but it also didn't kill you. All right, the truth lies somewhere between. So both sides were right.

And both sides were fucking wrong. Isn't that kind of what happened? And we should have been screaming at a young each other, we should have been fucking relaxed, but that's not what we do. We just fucking yell at each other, and then we get it all tied in a politics,

and you know, people with slamming gallons of milk down and fucking convenience stores Those fucking assholes who would wear masks and then they slam the gallon of milk Okay, do you want to wear a mask and you have it a fucking temperature fine? We all fucking do it But to slam a gallon of milk on the fucking ground and walk out and you're just okay that somebody else has to mop that up That's what I wish like Brad Pitt came in from fucking, once upon a time in Hollywood. Remember that fucking douche slash the tires on his caddy? And he beat the fuck out of him,

and then threw him the jack and said, you know, who's gonna fix it? You are. And he laughed and then he beat the fuck out of him. That kid deserved a fucking beating back in the day. And I used to fucking mop handle to the back a couple of times. And then you hand it to him, okay?

They would literally beat you with the thing that they wanted you to solve the problem with. That's how it was. The way I looked at it every once in a while everybody took a big So anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about here. I have a big week coming up. I got some shows. I got Billy Shows, Billy Shows. I want to finish the year strong. So it's kind of good that I'm sick now because I will be healthy with my fucking shows, cup around.

Sorry, I don't want to start making you young. All right, I'm gonna stop here. And I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go buy that guy's book. So I'll be like an homage person. I'm gonna shave my mustache off don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go buy that guy's book, so I'll be like an omniscient person. I'm gonna shake my mustache off and just grow my beard up, you know? So I'm just a fucking,

that fucking, is there anything worse than a fucking giant beard with no mustache? You just wanna be like, why are you making me look at that. Anyway, we're gonna end the podcast right there. All right. We're just gonna take this podcast as a loss. The way I took that Raven's fucking game as a loss. Jesus fucking Christ. That is the podcast everybody. By the way, you know, I did see a fucking clip. ACDC if you want blood you've got it is one of the greatest fucking live albums of all time and recently on the internet all of a sudden there was video which means the whole concert was filmed.

So does anybody have a copy of that? Like I'm so into that album, you know, I played Glasgow and I actually tried to see if the theater was still there so I could go play it and just stand there and just think like, ACDC at their peak in the Bond Scott era. You know, before they had their peak with the Brian Johnson era, right?

But I'd love to just fucking stand there, you know? Then they happened, they fucking tore it down. Motherfuckers. All right, anyway, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Bless you. Hug yourself. I can't come into that.

It just gives me douche chills. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on your third day. Okay? Get over to your day for God's sakes. you