Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-31-11

Episode Date: October 31, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about being lonely in NY, Free-basing, and Steeler Fans.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members will be free to buy a warm meal for adults. Ikea Ikea This is really becoming a theme every week.

I just apologize. These last couple of fucking weeks have just been brutal. I've been overseas, I've had those problems, and this week I came back east doing the Jimmy Fallon show today. I actually get to sit down and do panel like a big shot. Fucking tackle him, you cunt.

God damn it. You gonna give up a fucking field goal right here at the end? Why would you ever bet money on the fucking San Diego Chargers? Because anybody tell me, what the fuck is wrong with me? Jesus Christ. Can somebody out there who has some sort of a football mind just explain to me the prevent defense?

Yeah, give him a 20 yard cushion. Yeah, there you go. Well, we don't want to give it all up, but what is wrong with this fucking... Oh God, this is gonna be one of these fucking weeks. You know, I already recorded a podcast. Joe sent me the file. It was too goddamn big.

He's out for the night with the lady. So now I have to record another one. You know, like I have any funny left. And now for some reason these stupid chords are acting up. This is one of the... I challenge you guys to find a podcast out there that has as many listeners as mine that is still this fucking pathetically low rent.

You know? I feel like I'm in like that band that's just never gonna make it. Like, you know, we're 20 years in. We're still riding in a van. Like the Anvil story. It's just fucking brutal. Alright, whatever.

So, you know what? You guys get two podcasts this week because when I'll twinkle toes, the Teen Idol sensation from the Open Anthony program gets back from his hot little date with a little tall drink of water, that little number you met at the pictures. I'll also post that one.

And hopefully that one will be of better quality than this one, although I don't know we recorded it on his iPhone. So anyways, I am sitting here in a hotel room by myself. And I've already taped Jimmy Fallon's show. Obviously the fact that I brought it up, it went great. And I'm sure some of you cunts will watch it and tell me that you didn't think it was great.

But you know what? I don't need you. I don't need anybody. Actually, I do. I need somebody right now. I'm thinking about calling a hooker, you know? Not to banger, just to be one of those creepy guys who just calls up a hooker just so she'll hang out

and talk to him, you know? It's fucking ridiculous. I don't know anybody in this city anymore. I'm old. I go out to the comedy clubs. I don't know anybody. You know, all the club owners, they either died or fucking retired.

Well, they don't come in anymore. So I did the show. I had a great time. I'm on this high. Everybody, hey, take it easy. See you later. Then I walk out and then I come back to the hotel room by myself, you know?

That's depressing. Well, yeah, it is. So what do I do? What do I do to combat the loneliness? You know? Do I do something positive? No. What do I do?

I fight ordering a hooker to just talk to. And instead, I go outside and I get two mediocre slices of pizza and a pint of ice cream because I figured that'll make me feel better. I'll tell you, overrated New York City pizza. All right? And I'm going to tell you why.

Not because it sucks. It's because everybody knows that it's awesome. So so many people jump on the coattails of that who don't know how to make pizza. Like, you can't walk more than a block and a half in New York without finding a place that sells some pizza. You know? And not all of it is good.

Not all of it is fucking good. Look at this fucking mad castle. All of a sudden, having a good game. Son of a bitch. What the fuck did I bet the charges for? The charges win tonight. All right? I'll go two and two this week.

And old Paul Verzi. Paul Verzi has already gone one and three. And I want you guys to send your condolences out there and tell him, you know, good luck for the rest of the season because he is having an absolutely fucking horrific year this year. And I'm not going to lie to you. I am enjoying.

I'm enjoying it. You know? Not because I disliked the guy. He just talks a lot of shit. You know? Who talks shit about gambling? It's so fucking arbitrary. You know?

Did I just use that word? Yeah, I did. Did I use it correctly? I don't know. It seemed like, you know, there's so many words that I use that I've just heard them used enough times that I can kind of use them in a way that makes sense. Arbitrary, does that mean it's random?

It doesn't mean that, does it? Well, why don't you go look it up, you fucking bookworm? You know? I bet this stuff that I know that you don't know. So anyways, tonight I got to do the Jimmy Fallon Show. It was fucking, it was amazing. It was a milestone in my personal career in that I did not have to do stand-up.

I actually just got to go out and sit on the couch, which is a panel. And it was fun, man. Jimmy's cool as hell. I know him from back in the day. And, uh, I don't know. Just shot the shit with them, and then I went off on Gold Diggin' Horses,

and then that was it. We got out of there. And it seemed like it went good because the band was laughing. That's always a good sign. At least that's how I gauge it. I gauge it on the band. If you can make the... Ever since that time, I did a cruise ship one time.

And granted, I ended up getting fired because I started playing to the fucking band. But what was I supposed to do? I played to all these old people out there? The goddamn booking agent. If you're listening, you lied to me. You called me up. You asked me to do a cruise ship.

And I said, you know, I don't really feel like I'm... I don't think my act's gonna fly on a cruise ship. You know, isn't there a bunch of old people? And they were like, No, no, this is one of the young, cool, those cool, uh, you know, cruise ships. Because, you know, that's what all the kids are doing. I don't know if you guys are old like me

wondering what the kids are doing. That's what they're doing. They're saving up their money so they can go on a cruise. That's what they're doing. So, you know, I show up to this fucking cruise. I've told this story before, right? First person I see on the boat is like this 107-year-old Vietnamese lady,

and she's wearing that hat that they have in all those Vietnam movies when they're out in the rice paddies. You know that thing? It looks like a... like a fucking... I don't know what you'd call it. Like a big bowl you'd have on the center of your table and you put fake fruit in it.

Yeah, it's like a hat, though. And it's flattened out more. Sort of like a trash can that, you know, kind of has like a hat vibe. Right? Or maybe like that thing underneath like a potted plant that catches the water, except it's not as heavy, you know?

Somewhere between that and newspaper. Is it made out of bamboo? I don't know what the fuck it's made out of, but she's wearing this shit. And she's sound asleep with her mouth open and she's missing from her canines in on the uppers and lowers. All she has is her molars.

So immediately I'm like, well, you know, I guess if I was a professional I'd be like, doesn't matter. I'm gonna give my best show. I'm gonna put my best foot forward. No, I immediately just said, well fuck this, you know. The only way I'm not bombing is if this fucking ship sinks right now.

So I went on stage, you know, followed this juggler who was killing, of course, you know, juggling, doing the whole fucking thing. And then this guy smiley dude. I told you this story. This is how old the crowd was. He came out and he goes, if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands

and they did it. Right? That's like he might as well just gone up there and then going five foot two, eyes are blue, but what those five foot could do is anybody see my girl. And they all just jumped in. You run into a five foot two covered with pearls,

boom, boom, boom, diamond rings and all those things. You bet your life is in her, but could she love, could she woo, could she, could she, could she, could she, could she, could she. Sorry, that was a song off my first album I ever got. Told my parents I wanted a record and did they go out and get me Zeppelin? Did they get me ACDC?

No, they got me sing along with Mitch Miller in the gang. And you know what? I did. I did until I realized it causes you to get the shit kicked out of you at recess. You know? You know what that's like coming out of the fucking cafeteria with bright orange hair going, won't you come home, Bill Bailey?

Won't you come home? Come on everybody, roll out the barrel. We'll have a barrel of fun. I'm trying to say I was an outsider. So anyways, so I start playing to the fucking band because all these goddamn old people aren't laughing. So then I get defensive. You know?

I was like, how many of you guys, you guys see that movie Titanic? And they all just stared at me and I go, let me rephrase that. How many of you people were on the Titanic, right? And they all, ah, groaned. But behind the curtain, the band started laughing. So I just said fuck it.

I'm playing to behind the curtain as I talk to these fucking, this cocoon test audience that's out in front of me. So long story short, I ended up getting fucking. I didn't get fired, but I did not get asked back. And evidently the captain wrote some letter to the agent. And I'm still pissed that I never got it. He said I was offensive to all races.

He said I made fun of the handicapped because I made fun of midgets, you know, which I don't consider them handicapped. All right? If they're handicapped, then so is a fucking eight-year-old because they can both reach the same amount of shit, you know? So if you're going to use that, then is an eight-year-old temporarily handicapped?

He's handicapped, but he's going to grow out of it. I don't look at little people as being handicapped. They're just shorter than Danny DeVito. See, it was that kind of silly shit that, you know, all of a sudden I'm like the worst person on the fucking planet and I'm not okay to be on the Carnival Cruise Line. You know, what a great name for a fucking cruise, right? It's already bad enough it's a cruise

and then you have to add the other bad genre of entertainment, the Carnival. And you put that in there. Look at Tim Tebow having a rough game. Tim Tebow is the Danica Patrick of NFL quarterbacks. Oh, with that Jesus Free kick the living shit out of me if you ever heard me say that. He really is, though.

It's like the amount of fucking attention that that guy gets just because he's good looking and he's into the bearded baby. Right? Just can't get enough of him. Oh, if he could just fucking win a game, the amount of jerseys we could sell to those Jesus Freaks. Because you know what it is? Jesus Freaks, they like football too, you know?

But, you know, they don't want to buy the jersey. If you're really into the J-Star there, you don't want to buy the jersey of some, you know, shit talking, you know, whore fucking gold chain wearing son of a bitch. You don't want that. They want the clean cut, you know? They want someone who like, you know, anytime anything happens, he thanks Jesus.

That's who they want to buy the jersey of. All right? So considering most athletes are doing what you or I would do, which is you'd buy a flashy car, get some jewelry, and you go bang some whores, why wouldn't you? Can you imagine that? If you're a professional football player, you jacked, you have abs, a zillion dollars, and a Lamborghini.

You're telling me, you're not going to go out and fuck some whores? I mean, there's literally something wrong with you if you don't. You're out of your fucking mind. And I'll tell you, if you don't and you go out and you get married right out of the gate, you're going to take that out on your wife someday. Because she's not going to appreciate the fact that you didn't bang those whores, you know? She's going to say some dumb shit like, well, you shouldn't have banged your shit.

You should have just wanted to be with me. She's not going to get it. She's not going to fucking get it. And she shouldn't get it because she doesn't have a dick. So she doesn't understand what's going on. She doesn't understand the, you know, it's like your dick is like calling in an airstrike. You know, every fucking two minutes, it's calling in the location or whatever pussies in the room, right? And what is with this radio shack fucking sound I got in the background?

I don't, you know, I'm buying all new wires. That's it. It's going down. All new wires next week. I'm redoing this like one of them chip foos fucking cars. Yeah, it's just calling in a fucking airstrike. I'm talking about Jesus Christ. You know, you know, the fucking debates I get into with Paul Verzi about Matt Castle. Do you remember when Matt Castle filled in for Tom Brady and he went 11 and five and everybody freaked the fuck out?

Acting like this guy was, was a, an A level fucking quarterback because nobody was smart enough to realize that he took over an 18 and one team. And won seven less fucking games. Somehow they couldn't do that math and couldn't figure out that if he was, it just, I don't know. I don't want to get fucking started with that. Okay. Why is this fucking thing not sounding right? You know what? Maybe the comedy will be that I'll sit here and flip out.

Being annoyed by my own equipment. Even though I've, I've, I've been listening to it gradually shitting the bed for the last couple of weeks. Uh, whatever gives a fuck. Not making any money off this thing. And I'll start caring when I make money. What do you guys think about that? Just like you guys. Huh?

You guys walking around picking up litter for free. I don't think so. Hey, uh, let me hit, let me ask you. At what point should you stop dying your hair? You know, I think it's all right. Right until you like, you're like 50, but at some point it's everybody knows you're dying your hair. And then especially if you face like his face, the guy looks, you know, oh wait, he had like shingles or some shit. I don't make fun of people with diseases.

I just thought he was old. Let's scratch all that shit. I don't know. I don't know. Oh wait, he had like shingles or some shit. I don't make fun of people with diseases. I just thought he was old. Let's scratch all that.

God bless him and his fucking, uh, Grecian formula. By the way, did they make Grecian formula for redheads? You know? And if they don't, we'll Spike Lee make a movie about that. About how I'm getting bamboozled. Does anybody care about my plate? Exactly. That's why I don't care about yours.

That's why I make fun of fat people. I make fun of the ladies. Yeah, I don't give a shit. I don't care about your plate. What do you think about that? Well, you shouldn't think anything. You know? I don't have any fucking power.

All right, we're 15 minutes in. I think this is going good so far. Um, oh God, I feel like shit. Why did I eat those two fucking slices of pizza in an entire pint of fucking ice cream? You know what's funny? As I was done with the ice cream when I was halfway through the pint, but I'm in a room that doesn't have any sort of refrigerator,

so I didn't want it to go bad, so I just chowed the rest of it. You know? Like that fucking tub of shit in seven weight, all those spaghettios. Remember that? That's what I was doing. If I was on the biggest loser and I was one of those trainers, I wouldn't train him.

I'd just show him that scene. There's your future fatty. And there's the treadmill. You make the decision. I'm going to go over here and read the paper. Oh, that's so insensitive. God, it's not like you don't have problems. What about your problems?

What if people reacted that way to your problems? Would you like it? So much of a sweet tooth I have. This lampshade looks like the shit they put inside one of those Boston fucking eclairs. Is it a Boston eclair? No, it was a Boston cream or a fucking eclair. It gives a shit.

Who gives a shit? This goddamn Joe DeRosa making me fucking work overtime. Let me tell you how selfish that son of a bitch is. It's unbelievable. Oh my God, I forgot to tell this story on Opie and Anthony today. I crashed at DeRosa's apartment Sunday night. Right?

So I'm sleeping on the couch. You know, because I'm fucking down to earth. Sleeping on the couch in a thermal underneath my winter jacket. Because that's how I do it. That's how I do it. I don't give a fuck. All right, so he goes and he sleeps in the bedroom, closes the door, and he turns on the air conditioning.

I don't know why. I think it's because he's half Egyptian. And he's used to being, you know, part of him is used to living on the equator. And it just, oh, that doesn't make any sense. It's cold this time of year. Strike all that. I don't know what the fuck his deal is.

He's got the fucking air. So it's cranked. So I wake up early to go do Opie and Anthony. And evidently, he didn't hear me get up. And he forgot that I was staying there. So I just opened the door. And he's got like this fucking, the ironing boards on the back of the door.

So it all just sort of opened. It was loud. I opened it. He forgot I was there. He thought I was like an axe murderer. And he completely freaked out. And all he did was he just started kicking his legs. Underneath the, underneath the sheets.

That was the funniest part. His upper body didn't move. His lower legs were moving like he would, you know, like when you do the back stroke, how your legs move like, like up and down, up and down, up and down. He was doing that underneath the sheets. With this, what the fuck?

Look on his face. I got to tell you something. I have not laughed that hard at 7.15 in the morning since back in the day when I would work this comedy scene. I mean, Bobby Kelly and Norton would stay up all night playing chess or whatever. And I would be coming home. Like there's no fucking,

I will never laugh that hard again without staying up all night long. It would almost like hurt my, like hurt my fucking insides to laugh that hard so soon after waking up. I mean, it was still dark out. And just watching this fucking, I'll tell you something.

If you ever want to kill somebody, and not have to worry about getting scratched by the victim and having your DNA under their fingernails, Joe de Rosa is the person you want to kill because evidently when he's faced with fight of flight, his entire upper body shuts down and he kicks his legs like, I don't know what, like he was fucking.

I laugh so fucking hard. I laugh so fucking hard at him. And as I go in the background, all I did was he rolled over on his side and he gave me the finger and went back. He couldn't even defend himself. Oh, Jesus. And there's my Joe de Rosa story.

What are we, 19 minutes in? Come on, for fuck's sakes. Why the fuck would I bet? Here he goes. Is he going down the field again? Oh, Matt Castle looks great. He looks fucking great. I'm not saying the guy's not a bad quarterback, okay?

I'm not saying that the guy is not a good quarterback. I'm just saying, you know, what the fuck? You take over a team in the regular season that goes 16-0, all right? You're driving a Ferrari. Just keep it on the road. And then he goes 11-5. He loses five more games,

but none of the fantasy football playing jackasses can understand, you know, because you're counting down from 16, and all they're looking at is 11-5 makes the playoffs, usually, but we got fucked that year. If you were counting down, that would be like if the Patriots went 11-5, then they would have gone, you know,

six and fucking nine. No, six and ten. Right? Would you consider that a good fucking turnaround? That's right, Matt. Run off the field. I don't even, I don't dislike Matt. I just want Paul Vergey to be wrong.

There you go. Sack his fucking ass. Here come the Chargers. Pull up Rippers. Goddamn Char. All I need you to do is cover. I don't even give a fuck if you win or not. Ah, shit, it's 13-3.

All right, this isn't even a podcast anymore. You guys are literally sitting here, listening to me watch a game that's probably over by now. Oh, nice, nice. Yeah, let it go over your fucking head, you dumb cunt. It's fucking idiot. The guy, the ball is going to land on the 25-yard line.

Catch that. Right? Isn't that how it works, you football players? Pass to 20, you let it roll into the end zone. This fucking guy, let's, oh, Jesus Christ. All right, whatever. You know what's great is Paul is doing so bad this year. The worst that can happen this week is I can tie him.

And that's only because I missed two weeks of football because I was overseas. That's my excuse. Paul Vergey has no excuse. All right, let's get into the, the podcast questions here for the week. Bill, I was just listening to an old podcast from 2008 and you had just bought a set of training rings.

I haven't heard you mention them in a while, so I'm just wondering, where are they now and at what point did you give up on being able to do an iron cross? Go fuck yourself. Interestingly enough, you asked me what happened to me. Oh, this fucking sound in my ear. This is what happened.

I got in good shape. I really didn't have any place to hang those things, but what happened to me as far as like that sort of strength was I was at a Pirates game in 2008. I tried to show off that I could fucking bring my legs straight up and be in the pike position and I did it without stretching. And I don't know what I did, but the next day it felt like Freddie Krueger

had raked those knives down my fucking stomach. What is wrong with this podcast? Come on. See, that's what I do. Rather than buy new wires, I yell at the wires. Come on, cut it out. So that's what happened. Was I ever able to do an iron cross?

No, I wasn't. And you know what? I hope that makes you feel better about your life, sir. I know it does. Did you fail the way I did with whatever I said I was going to do? All right. Zen Nazis.

We have no topics in Nazis. I was asking questions from people over in Europe. I have not even read this. I'm going to read a paragraph somebody wrote about the Nazis. This is how much I'm flying by the seat of my pants on this fucking podcast you can barely hear. Zen Nazis. Hey, Bill, first of all,

I love the podcast. I was just listening to what I believe is the latest podcast. And you were talking about... I swear to God, I'm going to... Fucking piece of shit. Why didn't I just go out and buy new wires? I mean, how much would that fucking cost? Do I need a whole new mixer?

Oh, this is just pathetic. You know? How many fucking shows? You know what? I'm just going to plow ahead here. I was listening to the podcast to what I believe is the latest podcast. And you were talking about these situations

some countries were in, being that they were basically in a self-preservation situation. You said something along the lines of, what is the right move in that situation? I thought I would just tell you about this documentary entitled The Eleventh Day. It's about when Hitler and the Germans

attempted to invade the island of Crete in Greece. Basically, what happens is that the Greek army is already fighting against the Nazis in other countries. So the Nazis are coming to invade and there is no army there to defend the people. Well, what proceeds to happen is a bunch of peasants including like old men, women, children, civilians basically go down

and greet the Nazis elite paratroopers and proceed to begin to kill them with farming tools and such. Dude, that's fucking awesome. Basically, it's a documentary about the power of the human spirit and such as the Nazis' most elite paratroopers proceed to get scalped,

to get slapped around by a group of ragtag women and children with farming tools. Basically, these people stand up and say, no, it doesn't matter. We will all be executed and tortured. We will fight this evil bastard until the absolute end. The Germans start executing entire villages of citizens by firing squad

and all this crazy horrible shit, but it only increases the resistance by these amazing people. These people are the shit. These people are like, if this is all true, which why wouldn't it be? They're like the real life action heroes that all these guys pretend to be.

Once again, the name of this documentary is called The Eleventh Day. If you just type that into Google, it's the first thing that comes up, I believe. I would highly recommend it to both you and anybody who's interested in World War II history and Hitler. I'm not doing it justice at all.

It's one of the most amazing and emotional documents I've ever seen in my life. How come they haven't made a movie about this? This is like making me actually want to do some sit-ups. Work off this ice cream. Inspired. Some of the people, not to fight the banks, I just want to do something vain.

I'm such a douche. Some of the people from back then are still alive and are interviewed, including some of the people leading the small resistant groups that were hiding in the mountains and then coming down occasionally to ambush the Nazis or destroy their airfields and stuff. That's fucking awesome.

But let me ask you this. Did they get the full brunt of the Nazi army? Not to take away any sort of credit. I mean, didn't they bring most of that shit to Germany? I'm at Germany to bring it to England. Was he Blitzkrieg, yeah? And then they were also fucking...

They had occupied France. They were fighting the fucking Russians. They went into Norway via fucking Sweden. They had some troops in Finland to fight off the Russians up there. They were all over the fucking place, but still. I'm just saying. Good for them.

Good for them. I'm actually going to check that out. For those who have no attention span like me, it's called the 11th day. All right, let's get on to dilemmas this week. Dilemmas. Like my fucking wiring on the podcast this week.

Dilemmas, Bill, if you had to make the decision tomorrow between becoming blind for the rest of your life or losing your penis for the rest of your life, which one would you choose? Oh, fuck you. I'm really at the breaking point with my dick. You know what I mean?

I think my best year is behind me. But I still think I'm going to see a lot of cool shit. Oh, you fucking whore. Come blind for the rest. Never again. Fuck. You know, I think I'd have to choose... Oh, you know, this is one of these things where early on,

if you choose having your dick, you'll be psyched that you kept your dick. But then when you're 80 and you can't see your fucking where your geritol is, and your dick has been lifeless for 15 years, it's going to seem stupid. So in the long run, having your eyes... Oh, you motherfucker. Alright, let's quit joking around. I'm going to lose my penis. You don't even mean like it's not going to work.

Can at least hang there, you know, and just not do anything like some rusted out car in the front yard of some douche's house, or to have to completely lose it. Wow. Losing your penis for the rest of your life. Which one would you choose? I gotta go take out my eyes. I gotta go blind. Because then you're also talking about urinary tract infections and all that shit.

It's going to be a fucking nightmare. Okay? You know, I could still hear shit. I could still do stand-up. I had a rough time with hecklers. You know, who said that? I know you're over in this general area. I bet you have a stupid shirt on.

Yeah. I would choose my dick. I'd have to choose my dick. Alright, would you rather have sex with a man who used to be a woman? Or a woman who used to be a man? Ugh. Why are you guys going to have these creepy ones? Would you rather have sex with a man who used to be a woman?

And I imagine it looked like, what, jazz bono? There's no fucking way I could do that. Or a woman who used to be, a woman who used to be a man? Doubt or doubt, it's all the visual thing. Because that's at least going to look like a woman. You know? Ugh. Oh god, go fuck yourselves, man.

Why is everything going to be about the dick? Dude, this is fucking hilarious. This is so written in by guys. Like, I don't know what women would write. Like, would you rather find true love? Or just have this cream that makes your face look young for the rest of your life? Yeah, I'm belittling women right now. Why don't you guys write in a little more?

Alright, but maybe because you're a misogynistic cunt. Bill, you ever think of that? Nice point, nice point by the ladies. Alright, number three. Bill, what would you rather do? Watch your only child die of cancer or find a cure by sucking a dick? Um, well, I don't have any kids, so I don't know what that love is like, but I've heard it's just whatever, you do it.

Uh, it's only one dick. Damn, fuck it, I'd blow somebody. Where would I go mentally for that one? Jesus Christ. Yeah, my kid has to live. I'm gonna sit there and have that hole in my heart for the rest of my life. You know? Ugh.

That's the, you know what the dilemma is? Would you rather have that hole in your heart or that taste in your mouth? Oh my god, yeah, I'd go with the dick and then just get a fucking lifetime subscription to Altoids. Alright, um, dilemma. Broccoli shirt or pineapple pants? I'd have to go with the broccoli shirt. I'd be worried that my dick would go through the pineapple hole and I'd get arrested. Um, or worse, maybe bees would land on my nuts.

That was an easy one. Uh, number five, Bill, would you rather give up blowjobs forever? Me personally or get, I'm assuming you mean getting them. Or give up cheese forever. You can't have anything that has cheese in it. Oh yeah, fuck cheese. Yeah, dude, that's easy. Fuck that one.

I like that. Every once in a while there's a nice fucking softball. That was an easy one. Uh, if you had to get blown by, oh jeez, which one? Chas Bono or RuPaul? Ugh. Uh, Jesus. See?

Blow my brains out. I'd go Chas Bono. I'd go Chas Bono for the simple fact that Chas would be just as disgusted as I was. The entertainment, the entertainment of that would be, would all would be worth it. You know, RuPaul would just come in and be a douche and have this fucking attitude and be walking around like I actually found him sexy. It would just annoy the fucking shit out of me. But the fact that I could bond with Chas Bono, that the fact that neither one of us wanted to do it, but there was no way we had, we could get out of the, out of the room. You know?

Oh my God. Jesus, we'd both need therapy after that. You know? Wow. Alright, Jesus. Are they gonna get easier? Alright, number seven. Bill, would you rather go a year without being able to wash your hands or go a year without brushing your teeth?

Oh, without washing my hands. Without a fucking doubt. Without a doubt. Yeah, no. You can't let your fucking teeth go. You're out of your mind. You let your teeth go, then you don't chew your food right, then it goes down to your stomach and big clumps. Then you have stomach problems, which leads to intestinal problems, which leads to problem in your-ish.

Uh, it's all connected. It's all connected. It's just your fucking hands. You know? What am I gonna do? I'd go a year without, uh, you know, and I wouldn't help anybody with anything. Can you give me a hand with this? No.

No, not until fucking October 31st of 2012. Go fuck yourself. Uh, would you rather have a mouth that opened and closed vertically instead of horizontally? Or, that doesn't make sense. Your mouth opens and closes vertically. You mean my lips? Would I rather have my lips vertically and it opens and closes like elevator doors? I believe that's what you mean.

Or an ass that went horizontally instead of vertically? Oh, I'd definitely take a weird looking ass, you know? I figure if you see that, you're already like me. You know? You're gonna accept me for who I am at that point. You're gonna accept my fucking vertical ass. Dude, it's not vertically. An ass that went horizontally instead of vertically.

Horizontally, yeah, you're right. I'd take that, yeah. Who's gonna notice? Dude, you could go to the gym. Oh, you mean an ass crack? You mean like the fucking asshole? Oh, Jesus Christ. I just make sure I always had the gym towel around me.

Back my way into the little fucking shower. I don't know what to fuck. Yeah, I would definitely take the weird ass. As long as I could still run properly. Other than that, yeah, the mouth, I'm fucked. I wouldn't even have a chance. If your face would be that fucking, you don't even have a chance. I don't even give a shit.

Even chicks who are into scars, that's not gonna fly. All right, advice. Hey Bill, I need your help on this. My wife and I have been married for 18 months. About six months before we got married, all of her fun went out the window. We used to do dinner, drinks, fool around, and you know, all the normal stuff.

But now it's pulling teeth to get her to stop complaining and have an ounce of fun. She claims it's because of her birth control, giving her mood swings. So four months ago, she got off it and no changes. Uh-oh. I'd say that could happen, because that stuff, you know, affects women.

I obviously don't know how, but... Okay, so she gets off it for four months and no changes. How do I tell her she might just be a bitch and need to knock the cunt-y shit off? You have to say that without calling her. Don't ever go the name-calling route. First of all, it's disrespectful, and then also it just kills any sort of credibility

that you have. You know what I mean? Never, ever, ever do the name-calling thing in a relationship. You know, if you're, you know, yelling at some other driver on the road, that's when you break out. You fucking asshole, you fucking cunt.

But you never say that to the person you're with. It's disrespectful, and it also kills any sort of credibility you have. And what you have to do is come at her not angry at all. And you have to just speak from the heart that, you know, it's been four months. I haven't seen a change.

I don't know if you have some sort of problem with me, but you're becoming miserable in this relationship. It's affecting my happiness the way you're acting. It's affecting my happiness, okay? And that shouldn't be. What can we do to fix it? You have to come... There's no way that she can get...

See, what you want to do... When you have to convey something as heavy as this, you can't do it with anger. You can't do it with name-calling. Because your message gets lost. And then there's just going to be a bunch of name-calling back at you, and it's just... But if you just calmly say it,

that, listen, I'm not happy with the way you're behaving. And, uh... Oh, you fuckers, interception, nice! Get on the ground, get on the ground! There you go, there you go! Nice! Alright.

Anyways. What the fuck was I talking about? Yeah, that's what you just got to tell us. Listen. You know? Uh, you told me that it was the birth control. I believed you. So, you got off the birth control.

It's four months later, and I haven't seen a change. And I am... I am really not happy. I feel like you don't like me. I feel like, you know... I mean, I'm projecting now. I don't know if this is what's going on, but, like... You know...

We have to do something to fix this because I don't want to be with somebody who's miserable all the time. You know? What's your problem, you fucking cunt? No, you can't say that. You just have to think it. You just got to think it.

Alright, underrated, overrated. Uh, underrated. Uh, alright. Wow, I just discovered parsnips. They're like honey-flavored carrots. You know, I've had parsnips before, and I still don't even know what the fuck they are. Uh, how the fuck have I never heard

had these delightful things before? The recipes online all seem to be... All seem to... Too involved, so I just heated them. By the way, too involved is TOO. Anytime you're saying something's too much, too many, any of that, that's TOO. Uh, the recipes...

The recipes, I correct him, I read his receipts. The recipes online all seem too involved, so I just heated them with the small amount of butter, and they were tremendous. Parsnips, everybody, underrated. Uh... Another underrated, mature porn. Oh, Jesus.

My dad has gone through three wives. They kept getting younger until the last one decided to leave him. Looking at him and worrying that I might take the same route, I decided to reprogram and only jerk off to mature porn. Now, I get down with my wife. I'm boning... Oh, now when I get down with my wife, I'm boning... I feel like I'm boning the hottest chick I know.

My friends laugh, but it works. Wow. You know what's crazy about that, as fucked up as that is? Like, the math works on that. Like, I would think if you're sitting around jerking off to old ladies, that all of a sudden, if your wife came in, she's in her 30s, 40s, I mean, she's gonna look beautiful.

50s, she looked great. Mature porn, Jesus. Um, overrated. Getting wood when your mother-in-law is taking the turkey out of the oven. Alright, we're gonna leave it at that. I don't know what the fuck happened there. What, cause she fucking bent over? Wow.

Oh, Jesus. Uh, YouTube. Greatest scene ever committed to film. I didn't even get to watch this. I would love to see it, but, uh, it's all gonna be on the mmpodcast.com. And, uh, what the fuck, Phillip? Come on. Come on, guys. Put the goddamn fucking ball in the end zone. I need seven here, people.

I need seven. It's getting late in the game. Oh, that's nice. There's a nice fucking hold. Why don't you complain? You know? Do that. See, that guy's two down to Earth. Now it's fourth and sixth, so now they gotta go in there and kick it. How does that fucking help me? Look at Rolf Bernerska comes out. The guy's like fucking 95 now. And he's back with the kick.

Kansas City, they've actually blocked two kicks this year. And there we go, and boom. And he hits it. Ah, right. Thirteen to nine. Yeah, keep shaking your head, Phillip. That doesn't fucking help me. You gotta yell at the refs. Um, alright, that's, I think that's the podcast for this week, right? It's only 42 minutes, what the fuck am I talking about?

I can't do that to you guys. Holy shit, 42 minutes. And I have already blown through all the goddamn material here. Now what am I gonna talk about? Huh? I don't know, but I better think of fucking 17 minutes worth of shit here. Goddamn that Jodorosa, he completely fucked me over. I think he did it on purpose. He's really good with the technology. You know what I mean?

He's as good with the technology as he is with the ladies. Um, by the way, has anybody out there bought his CD? The Return of the Son of the Depression auction? Evidently, it's some sort of clever reference to Frank Zappa. Um, which is classic, Joe, you know? Like if that was anybody else and they did something that was that inside, I would give him shit. But what you gotta understand is being a teen idol sensation,

the only way you get to that level is you're a child star at some point in your life and your reality just gets warped. And that's what happened to Joe, you know? He was left on a doorstep outside of Philadelphia for this unbelievably poverty-stricken family. They brought him in, you know? He used to feed him breast milk through a turkey baster, anally, and that affected him, you know?

It made him want to achieve in life. You know, he wasn't like the other kids who had a place to sleep. Joe didn't have a place to sleep. Joe, actually, they used to make him sleep on uneven boxes out in the garage right near the tractor. You know, he used to go to school and he had like grass clippings in his hair and people teased him. It was a terrible upbringing.

And that's when he had a dream and he used to rehearse inside the garage. And next thing you know, he got his first break when he was like six years old. He booked a guest star on Benson. And after that, there was just something about him. He got the bug. And he became this teen owl sensation. And, you know, got that taste of fame, developed a Koch Prom by the time he was eight. And now he's the fucked-up adult that you see.

And because of that, he does things like I ask him to send me a fucking podcast and rather than sending it in a form that I can actually upload, he'll blame me. He'll blame me the same way he did his first 26 managers and agents that he's had in this business. I'm all fully, fully prepared for it, you know. Romeo Cromel is on the fucking Kansas City Chiefs. Jesus Christ, they got all the old patriots there.

Stick up! There you go. First and 10, yeah? Now it's fucking second and 14. How do you like that? What happened to the Chargers this year? You know, I was talking to somebody about this shit. I was talking about, you know, fighting my older brother when I was younger.

And now, you know, it got to the point, at one point we were basically, he used to kick my ass my whole fucking life. And at one point we were kind of the same size, right? So technically, I could beat him, but I just couldn't like... I would have the fights won, but I didn't know what to do. And I just basically... Sack him! Nice! Now they're coming on, there you go.

I was basically, as far as fighting went, I was like the San Diego Chargers of fighting. You know, I would have it won with two minutes to go. And somehow I would fuck it up. And I'm not being a dick to Charger fans. And you have a right to get mad at me because it's your team. So only fellow San Diego Charger fans, I get it, can trash a team. It's annoying when somebody like myself does it, but you know I'm right. I don't know what the fuck this team suffers from.

They suffer from... Oh my god, we're actually going to win it. I just tackled that cunt. Tackle him, thank you, thank you. Alright. 430 left in the fucking third quarter. That's a nice three and out. There you go, Maddie.

You know, Maddie, ice down in Atlanta. Matt Castle in Kansas City. He's Maddie, room temperature. Oh, that was a bad one. Oh, that was a shit joke. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got 13 more minutes to go.

I got 13 more minutes to go and I got nothing. You know what? Actually, that's not true. I don't have nothing. I have a three night whirlwind tour of the Midwest. And I'll tell you, nothing will make you come down off the high of traveling through the beauty of Scandinavia, like going to Cleveland, Ohio, Madison, Wisconsin,

and then St. Louis, Missouri. Now, I know there's a lot of people. Actually, there's not a lot of people that live in Cleveland. You know, what's that zombie show on AMC? What the fuck is the name of that show? You know, for some reason, they shoot it in Atlanta. And I know there was some sort of big dispute about how much it costs for each episode.

If anybody connected with that show is listening, you could cut your costs tremendously if you just filmed on location in either Cleveland or Detroit. Okay, first of all, all your night scenes, you wouldn't have to hire any extras. Just have the people that come out late at night. All right? And I'm not talking about the eight mile rap and movie.

I'm talking about the shit I saw. Dude, I'm having a long time driving through that city. I don't know what I did. I was trying to go to a fucking Red Wings game. It was at night. It was in the winter. I went down the wrong street. I remember I was coming back from going to a Red Wings game

and I got off the wrong place. And I was trying to get on the highway. I went down to Side Street and there was a fucking tree. It had landed across the street. You could barely get up. You could just sort of drive around it. And this thing had been dead for months. That's how fucked up that city is.

So anyways, but I'm not going there. I'm going to Cleveland. I was there in April, by the way. Everybody keeps sending me emails. When you coming to Detroit, I was there. Royal Oak. I'm going to be at Cleveland Thursday night. Madison, Wisconsin on Friday night.

And then the Pageant Theater in St. Louis. And with that, how about a round of applause for the fucking St. Louis Cadnals? They won another one, Yankee fans. They're closing in on you. They got 11. You know what's so funny? This is how fucking cunt-y New York is.

They could not give it up. They just can't give it up to anybody in this city. They're such fucking cunts. St. Louis, you know, wins the World Series. It's their 11th championship. They have the most championships in the National League. It's their 11th one. And what they write in the paper is,

the Yankees won their 11th dot, dot, dot in 1947. You know, I've never, you know, even Boston with their fucking Lakers Celtic shit. We never said, you know, oh, you won your 16th? We did that in 1986. It's really, really fucking gay. But anyways, they won it. I'm psyched they actually won it.

Because now everybody's going to be happy when I go down there. So, you know, I was actually thinking about this. St. Louis, they actually go, you fucking bastard. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Down to the 35. Nice. Oh, you know how much this is driving Paul Verzi up the fucking wall?

He goes one and three and I go two and two. You know, I'm not a shit talker either. Because I know there's really no skill involved in gambling. There really isn't. All you idiots who are sitting there looking at, you know, who's hurt, who isn't, how this guy does on turf and this guy does it, there isn't. It's bullshit.

The best you're ever going to do is win about 40% of the fucking time. So, basically I'm sitting here hoping to get lucky again this week just to go two and two. By the way, this class is officially over. You guys are free to go. I'm going to be uploading tomorrow if Joe DeRosa, the Corey Feldman of the Opian Anthony program, if he can actually just send me the fucking podcast that we did.

And I will upload it. So, technically, I guess I can end this thing. Is it really, should I really just keep going with this shit? What the fuck can I talk about? Oh, you're asking who was the other guest? I already know what's going to go on. Heidi Klum was the other guest on Jimmy Fallon. So, everybody's like, what'd you do?

Did you talk to her? Did you fucking hook up with her? No, and no. I did see her. She was absolutely just like ridiculously good looking. Like her legs alone were just like, just stared at him, but not in like a leering way. Like just like, they were like from another planet.

It was almost like if, I don't know what, like if an alien landed on this planet and handed you a fucking gadget you'd never seen before. It was fucking unbelievable. And I was just like, Jesus Christ, I'm ugly. That's all I was really thinking when I was looking at her. This girl is fucking, I don't know anything about her. She's like, she's like the kind of person that gets married

to like one of those guys who like owns his own island and has like a hot air balloon. You know that guy with the windburn face? The guy that Donald Trump tries to be, you know? What the fuck is that guy's name? You know Donald Trump hates that guy, right? He's got a full head of hair. You know, he actually owns an island.

He doesn't go bankrupt every fucking, you know, time he opens a fucking casino. Like if they had like a billionaire comedy show, like Donald Trump would be opening for that guy. The guy owned Virgin Airlines. Oh wait, but he also owned Virgin Records Store. I bet Donald Trump was psyched when that thing went out of business. What the fuck am I talking about? Nothing left.

For fuck's sakes, when you put in that goddamn fucking end zone, please be past interference. Please be past, there you go. Philip, fucking complain a little bit. Works for Tom Brady. Get in their faces. Ah, Jesus Christ. You know what I should do?

I should just end this fucking podcast and just go walk like 20 blocks and try to do something for the goddamn damage I did my gut. Why would I do that to myself? You know what's the worst? Who is a fucking asshole didn't even heat up the fucking slices properly. The cheese one was okay. The other one, you just fucked up.

What's wrong with me? I don't know what to do. You know what? I'm just gonna keep doing this podcast because you know what the fucked up thing is? Is most of you have shut... You go for another fucking field goal. Oh wait, this would be 13 to 12.

I'll take this. Come on, Rolf. No. 13 to 12. 13 to 12. I love it. I don't love it. I wanted to touch down there. Anyways, I'm just gonna keep talking.

I'm gonna keep talking until I go for a fucking hour. All right? I got another six minutes. No, no, no, no, no. Excuse me. Another seven minutes to go. I just want you to know right now how pathetic your fucking life is

if you actually sit here and listen to the rest of this. And if you sent me an email and say you knew what I actually shut it off, no you didn't. The fact that you still took the time to email me and tell me that you fucking listened to the rest of this shit.

Oh, you know what, dude? There's no fucking... What is the point of this exercise? I can't go for it. You know, I got no funny left. I already did a podcast with DeRosa. I did the Fallon show, and now I did 50 fucking minutes, okay?

I've had enough. I'm not answering the bell. I'm going out like a fucking bitch. Hot and delicious pizza made just for you. I'm reading the pizza box at this point. That's it. You know the worst part about traveling to this amount of fucking cities

is there's not enough time to do your laundry. So your outside pocket on your fucking luggage just keeps getting more and more fucking filled up with dirty stinking underwears. And with that visual. Oh, God. You know, I'm just hanging on right now. My corner man won't throw in the fucking towel.

I just keep thinking that something else funny is going to come to me. And I'm just... I'm tapped out. I got nothing. You guys are still listening. What is your fucking morbid curiosity with this? What do you enjoy listening to me,

bombing my own podcast? How about giving me a little credit for not hitting the fucking pause button right now and maybe looking at a couple of stories or two. Tackle that fuck. There you go. There you go.

Um... All right, that's it. We've had enough. You know what? I'm just going to declare victory and go home just like we did in Vietnam. That's it. Our work is done here.

Can I stick it out for another three minutes? I don't know that I can. What else do I got? I got Carnegie Hall coming up. November 11th, July of 2014. I'm looking at playing an Air Force base in Mishawaka, Wisconsin. Oh, I know what I'll make fun of.

You know what I have the sound down right now? No wonder I don't have any fucking material. I just saw John Gruden and Ron Jaworski. Love both those guys. Totally respect their football minds. They know way more about sports than I do. But Jesus Christ, is it me or do they blow everybody every week?

I'll tell you right now, if you're into cornerbacks, you know, if you don't like this guy, you don't like cornerbacks. This guy is one of the best. I think this is the greatest performance by a cornerback we have ever seen. Would you say so, Jaws?

Absolutely. I'll tell you, if I was still under center, that's the kind of guy that would keep me up at night trying to think of a way that I was going to get that ball in there. Thank God I had Wilbur Montgomery to hand it off to. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Then they do the next fucking play.

Did you see that? I'll tell you, at home, that might have looked like a two-yard gain off tackle, but I'll tell you, that's some of the toughest six feet of real estate you're ever going to see. That might have been the greatest off tackle run I have ever seen in my life.

That's last year. Do you guys remember when I went off on that? When they were flipping out about Michael Vick when he was kicking the shit out of the hapless fucking Washington Redskins? Oh, by the way, how'd you guys like that down in Dallas? How did you like your fucking butt cheeks are still green

from that eagle slamming into you as it was fucking Tony Romo and he... I gotta be careful, security's gonna come. What a brutal beatdown. My Patriots got beaten. Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers. I was in the air for most of that game. When I finally landed,

I got to watch the last little bit of it, and everybody just said our secondary looked like shit, which they have kind of all year. But I have to admit, like, some days, sometimes it's just not your night. And when I was watching the Patriots, like when they threw a pass and it was a touchdown and the refs missed it.

And so it took them another three plays before they scored. You know, not monumental, but it still killed, like, 40, 30, 40 critical fucking seconds. You know? And then we go to do an onside kick, and we can't even execute that. Like, twice. Sometimes it's just not your night.

Apollo Malo slapped the ball forward. Great fucking play. Not legal. But great fucking play, and the refs don't catch it somehow. Just sometimes it's not your night. And I got to tell you, you know, I don't know what's going on

with the Pittsburgh Steeler New England Patriot rivalry, but I think it's more than fucked up that the last three years in a row we've played those cunts, and it's always in Pittsburgh. Was that basically the deal? You were going to keep it in Pittsburgh

until they finally beat us? We're still 6-2 against you during the Brady era, but I know that must have felt great to beat us. You fucking bastards. Why don't you guys grow a dick down there in Steel Town, you know? Which it's not even Steel Town anymore. You bunch of pansies.

I've been there. Where are you guys? You all down there in your fucking cubicles looking at spreadsheets. That's what you're doing. All the real tough guys who built those bridges, they're gone. They're gone.

Not because they died. They're disgusted with you updating your fucking goddamn Facebook status and playing fantasy football. You're a disgrace. You know? Drinking their beers in a hipster way. Paps blue ribbon.

They used to drink that shit because that's all they could afford. You know? They weren't drinking that in an ironic way. Huh? When was the last time anybody under the age of fucking 39 in Pittsburgh had the balls to get up on a goddamn bridge

and replace a couple of rivets? Huh? What was the last time? What was the last time you pushed away from that fucking desk they bought at Staples? You know? You undid your tie. You rolled up the cuffs on your fucking dockers.

You went out there and did a man's job. What was the last time? I want to know. You know? That's why Sidney Crosby is always flopping around on the ice bitchin' all the time. He learned that from you guys. The under 39.

The under 39 years of age in Pittsburgh are an absolute fucking disgrace. Those older guys are the shit. The guys who put up those bridges. Those guys whose reputation you're riding the fucking coattails on. All you guys walking around like you built a battleship.

You didn't do that shit. That's what they did in Pittsburgh. They built battleships. That's how badass they were. They didn't do it out in the ocean like those pussies on the east coast and down in San Diego. They built them right on the Allegheny.

You know? From day one, the fucking thing was touching the bottom of the river. You know what they did? They fucking tied it to Mike Webster. And he walked right down the fucking river until he came out to the Baltimore Bay. That's a true story.

That's what people in Pittsburgh used to do. That's what they used to do. Not now in their fucking luxury boxes. You know? Your new ice-capade castle with the fucking penguins are playing at. What's wrong with you, Pittsburgh? And your gay little baseball park

where you can see the bridges and it looks like the end of a Disney movie. What happened to you guys? People used to go to Pittsburgh and they were afraid. You know? What do you guys do now? Drink Pete's Wicked Ale?

What happened to you? You know what's funny? Somebody from Pittsburgh actually listened to this and got angry which makes me feel good because you beat my team this week. All right. That's the podcast for this week.

Oh, we're in two minutes. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'm actually going to have another one up when Joe de Rosa, you know, stops going through his choreography. He hits the pipe every once in a while. That's one thing about Joe.

I've never seen a guy write more material after free-basing than he has. It's phenomenal the way he's able to function with the coke problem that he has. That's it. That's the podcast. For this week, this is part one. This is part one.

It's like Lord of the Rings except there's only two parts and I never even had any intention of getting paid unlike the director of that other one that got completely fucked. Still 13 to 12. 12.56 left to go. Oh, God, Bill.

End it. All right. See you. Ikea. Tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15th, Ikea family members will get a free children's menu

at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea. Ikea. Ikea.