Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-4-21

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

Bill rambles about filming in Colorado, malts, and closing the curtains before sex.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, for Monday, August, no, October, this thing's a shit show already, October 4th, 2021. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? My voice is a little, hey, I tell you, it's a little rough there, okay. I did a bunch of shows this week. I went out to meet me in St. Louis Louis, meet me at the fair, and I worked at the fabulous, the fabulous Fox Theater. I performed there before, and there's an incredible Stevie Ray Vaughn tattoo, autograph, right on the door, on the inside of the door in the green room, and every time I see that I

just cannot believe it. So I got to do two nights there, working with Dean Del Rey, getting prepared to shoot my show at Red Rocks, which hopefully potentially would be a special. So I crushed the first Red Rocks show a few weeks ago, and I was like, all right, my act is up and running. That felt good, man. That felt really good. Because I was just filming this thing just because I wanted to have proof that I was there. You never know if you get to go back. But it felt good enough to be a special. So I was like, all right, we'll shoot the next one and we'll see what we got. My act feels good, and I'm like, all right, what

I'm going to do is I'm going to do a couple spots in LA, and then I'm going to run my hour one night somewhere. I'll go on last and just run it, just so I got it, and I'm up and up and running. And then lo and behold, this fucking cold that's going around that lingers for like two weeks, my kid brought it home from school. And I got it. And I had it beat by Sunday last week. You know, when I went to the Rams game against the Tampa Bay, Tom Brady's, and I smoked two cigars like an asshole, brought my immune system down to nothing. And the cold came right back. And I was like, fuck. So now, you know, and then the whole fucking week, I was like trying to get over the goddamn cold and all that

shit. I didn't do any spots. I think I went out one night, bombed after Don L. Rawlings at the laugh factory. And I'm like, you know, this is just, this is just what the, it just always fucking happens like this, right? So I was like, all right, maybe I'll feel better Monday. I'll go out then. I just didn't, you know, just didn't end up going out. No, didn't I, didn't I run up one more time? I forget what. So I was looking at my actor, whatever. So I get to St. Louis and it just fortunately the first night, there was just such a fucking great crowd that I was able to go out there, get in the groove of it, you know, everything fucked up a couple of jokes, but nothing noticeable. And then the

next night it was, it was humming, right? But then the next day I got to go to Red Rocks and I swear to God, anytime I'm shooting something, shooting a special, whatever, I always get this feeling of dread. And I start thinking, why do I do this? Which was the name of my first special, you know, I'm inherently a shy person. I should have just whittled wood and just sat in the corner and stayed away from me. I was like, no, Bill, this is the fucking eight year old you. You always do this. You revert back to that orange-headed kid with no friends or whatever the fuck it was. And you just got to push through this shit. So I was like, all right, this is normally where I go. I think about retiring. Like,

I don't want to do this anymore. Why don't I just downsize my life and just fucking not deal with people? I could, I could testify. So anyway, we go, we fly out, we go to Denver and land and everything. And I don't know, something I get to Red Rocks. Second I get there, I do a sound check. I'm goofing around with Mike Binder, the director who also shot a paper tiger. And I just got myself in a stupid mood. And I just was like, all right, I hope this goes well. But the first one went so well, like I was getting in my head like I didn't want to disappoint, you know, Mike or anybody else by not doing well. And last time I was with Bartnick, this time I was with Dean Delray. And Dean went up fucking

murdered, murdered. And they had a little break there, you know, and I was just sitting there just fucking just second I get on stage, I'm fine. It's just the waiting. Believe Tom Petty said that the waiting is the hardest part. And for me, it definitely is. Then once I got out there, I don't know, it just all fucking came together. And I got off stage. I was like, that felt really good. And everyone was saying, I think that was better than the last one. I think that's the one and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I will see how this thing looks. And if it looks good, I'm kind of ahead of the game because I haven't even done my tour yet with this hour. So then my plan would be, you know, put it out next

year while I do my tour and write the new hour, bang, bang, boom, I hit the ground running could be fucking great. Could be great. So I want to thank everybody that came out in St. Louis and out in Red Rocks. And then afterwards, you know, I did two nights in a casino just outside of Minneapolis, Minnesota, swung by Matt's got myself a juicy Lucy as a reward for fucking crushing it at Red Rocks. And went out and had two really, really fun shows in Minneapolis because all the stress was gone. And then I was really just extra silly and stupid. It was just a fucking great, great trip. And I'll tell you the old me, the old me, Billy, no kids, Billy, no life, Billy, nothing to come home to, right? The old me

would have hung around for that Vikings Browns game to check out that new stadium that ever all the Viking fans gave me shit when I was fucking, you know, fanning myself about so five stadium. But, you know, I got kids. So I ended up, you know, coming back. It wasn't that bad, you know, coming back from Minneapolis, you can get out to LA, you know, you can get not too bad of a headwind. You can get out here a little over three hours, which I thought was fucking awesome. Some reason I thought was four hours to Chicago. So I thought Minneapolis were more north. I don't know. Must add a tail when we left it like 915, then we left Atlanta 12th. No. Yeah, something like that, three and a half hours. I forget what the

hell it is. So anyway, I think I have that in the rear view mirror. I think I have the special. I'm just hoping that it looks good. If it doesn't, then I can tape at another place and I had a great practice. And then I also have this thing in my back pocket is something that I shot because we spent the money enough to make it look like a special. I was very excited about that. So I can put that to bed. And now I'm a Billy check ride. Now, now I'm just flying a helicopter every day all day, getting ready for my check ride for this instrument rating coming up. I don't know when if I'll take it this month or the end of beginning of next month. I don't know what, but I'm just fucking go. I'm going to

get that behind me. Okay. I get the special behind me. I get the rating behind me. And then, you know, F is for family is about all wrapped up in that series is done. I have all of that stuff off of the table. And all I have is my stand up and spending time with my wife and kids, which is be fucking amazing, you know, and flying helicopters, you know, fucking my gonna bitch about. So, um, yeah, that is the deal. So anyway, it's a Sunday night. And as I'm taping this in the background, I have the New England Patriots verse. The Tom Brady Tampa Bay Buccaneers. It's seven to six 1440 to go in the third quarter. And um, I've got a bad feeling here in the second half. I mean, I gambled this week. I don't,

I just go up against Versey on the Versey on the anything better podcast for bet MGM. So we pick four games a week. And right now I'm three and Oh, who'd you pick bill? I picked the bills lay in 17 and they fucking they fucking I fucking drop in the ball. We might win this game. Um, I don't think so. We needed that drop. I can tell you that because I know Tom fucking laid into him in the halftime getting these guys getting these guys going. So anyway, plowing ahead here. I, um, I had the bills laying 17. Josh Allen, his first throw of the game throws a pick. I was just like, ah, fuck, I'm going to lose this bet. But they just destroyed them 40 to nothing. Then I had the Arizona Cardinals versus the

LA Rams. And, uh, I was getting a shit. There you go. Troy Brown, not Troy Brown, Antonio Brown, Ron Brown. Um, I was a flag down. There is a flag down holding legal use of the fucking hands on those other fucking guys. Go fuck yourself. Repeat it down. Third down, three fingers. Um, you know, it's funny when I was, I think the Patriots fans did it perfectly. They cheered Tom when he came out on the field and the highlight and all that shit. But when the game started, when he ran out with the Buccaneers, he got booed and that's perfect. And I know there's going to be a bunch of fucking sports talk radios like, could you believe they booed him after everything? Let me show some class. It's just like, no, dude,

we gave you the tip of the cap and now it's game time. We want to fucking win. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that was a hold and a half. Look, I was holding the fucking thing, a Jiffy Pop. I couldn't even tell that that was a helmet. I fucking hate our silver helmets. I've ever said that before. This is my favorite uniform they've had since they went to the flying Elvis as far as from the neck down like that blue with a little bit of red stripe. It looks fucking great. But I don't know, understand what the fuck was wrong with Pat Patriot. Those ones in the mid seventies where it was the all red jersey with the white number and fucking Paul Revere with the football. I mean, that was for me than the black cleats.

That was the shit right there. Anyway, and then I had the Seattle Seahawks getting three. I think I might have been getting five with Arizona. I don't know. Not only did all my teams cover, they all fucking won. So we'll see here. This is my chance to go. If I go four and oh here, then I'll be eight and eight on the year because I went two and two, one and three and one and three. I was getting my ass kicked. I'll tell you, it's hard to pick games when you got kids, you know, when you got nothing to fucking live for. You can watch this shit and look at stats and that's saying it helps. But you do a little better than fucking whatever the hell. I just was three and five. I was three. No. What was

that? No, I had eight losses. I was four and eight. That's what I was fucking pathetic. So anyway, I am back here. I'm going to be studying my ass off. I got my flash cards right here. And I'm just going to be flying, flying, flying and then coming home and doing the simulator. I got one of those little fucking computer games and just doing all the approaches holds and all of that shit. And just I'm going to, I'm going to get this thing, man. I got to spend a long time coming. So I'm going to get this thing. I'm going to get it in the past. I'll be a better, safer pilot and all of that shit. And then I'll never fly in that stuff.

As far as my piloting goes, I'm all Billy nice day. Oh, Billy suns out. Okay. Suns out, bills out. That's how I fucking fly. I look at the visibility. If it doesn't say one zero, I don't go second. I have about nine, eight, you know, whatever. I'll do a quick little one. I start seeing seven. I'm like, yeah, fucking, I don't, I don't need to, where am I going? Where am I going? That's the advantage you have of not flying for a living. You fly for a living. You have to kind of go pretty much no matter what, unless it's the worst fucking day ever. So anyway, when I woke up this morning, I saw this, I saw this, um, that urban Meyer

was, was trending. And I guess he went back to the house state game, had a couple of pops and uh, you know, so everyone was giving him shit about his behavior, but I just love like, how come they don't give the woman shit too? You know, it's like, what the fuck is she doing? I don't want to get her in trouble or anything, but just fucking crack me up. But I always just look at that shit like, whenever I see things like that, I go, that's between him and his wife. What does that have to do? Why do I need to know that that fucking happened? And then who's the rat who sat there and filmed them? Like they give a fuck about the sanctity of marriage. They don't give a shit. They just try to get likes

and try to get hits and try to make fucking money. But haven't said that Jesus Christ, you're urban Meyer. My God. I, I will say this. If they, Jacksonville was two and two, he doesn't have that many drinks. One in three, maybe, you know, you go up there, oh, in four, you know, some shit can go down, get a little hammered, you know, the fucking achy, breaky heart comes on, you know, those chicks, they live in Ohio. What are they going to do? They don't have a dream. They got nothing going on. Right? I actually didn't watch the video. I just saw it. It looked like he was going to pass out. He looked like that guy in the titty bar, you know, the stripper sort of wakes up and leads him back over to the ATM

again. He was like that level drunk. These goddamn cell phones. I swear to God, I swear to God, man. It's just the fucking, you know, the guy had a bad night. Now look at him down. What's going to happen? Anyway, Pat's driving down the field. I don't think I've ever bet against the Patriots in my life. This is my way of handling this game emotionally. That if Tom came in and kicked our ass, at least I'd win money. And if we win, it's the Pats and I'll feel good. So this whole game, I have not even, even though I got money on it, I can't bring myself to fucking root against us. There you go. There you go. All right. Let's see. Second and one, second and one. What's going on? It looks like they're going

to run. They got two guys in the backfield. Are they going to run to the strong side? That's what it looks like. Right up the gut. Nothing. Everybody knew it, even the comedian. All right. So anyway, my next run of dates is I'm doing a bunch of shows in Atlanta. And what's cool is I have some standup friends that live there now. So I'll have my usual, I'll have an opener and then I'll have a couple of my friends popping in to do, to do some guest spots or whatever. One of, honestly, one of my favorite cities to go to, even though the traffic is absolutely, well, speaking of titty bars, speaking of the old titty bars there, I'll be back in Atlanta. Why do I try to do a podcast when there's a game on in

the background? Why do I do this? Oh shit. No, that's an incomplete pass. Fuck you. Fuck you. What is with these defensive guys wearing like field goal kicker numbers? Five, nine, six. Was it the fucking 1930s? Oh Jesus, that's a fumble all day. But I don't understand. He made a football move, right? I don't know what he did. He looked like a guy trying to carry too much shit out of a room. You know, when you grab the laundry, you don't fold it. You just got to grab a bunch of socks and underwear and stuff. I'll bring it upstairs and do it and you fucking drop it every goddamn time. Anyway, so I wish I had some more stories from the road. I didn't do shit. I just literally stayed in the hotel the entire time, quarantining. Minnesota was a trip.

You know, that was probably the most hardcore. We're not getting vaccinated crowd that I went in front of. So I had a fucking blast with them. You know, it never ends. It never ends. You know, I had a blast when I would go into fucking Trump cities. I had a great time when I would go into Hillary cities and just trash Hillary, watching these people getting so fucking mad. This is why I was so in the sticks. Not even that far in the sticks, but I was just in Minnesota, right? And I did a bit on that GMC Sierra or the GMC pickup truck with the fucking the tailgate that you can fold 58 different fucking ways. That's about as obscure as it gets. Right? It killed. You would think that I was doing a joke about the president.

Absolutely killed. I was talking about people being too fat to fucking even just roll into their trucks anymore. You can't even just put your leg up on the bumper. You need the tailgate to turn into a staircase. And I was joking that they should just have like, you know, those old people chairs that fucking take you up the staircase, those electric ones, they're going to have that next. People just keep fucking chowing. So anyway, it was great to get back home though. Seeing my kids, my son is a freaking riot. Strong as hell. His big thing now is we got like this big, like a playpen type thing, but we keep all his toys in it. We dump everything out and spread it all across the room.

And then he just starts laughing and he picks this stuff up and he runs over to the crib and he does like the old Tomahawk dunk for way back. You know, when you put it all the way behind your head, the double hand, it's funny because sometimes he does it. And if it's like a ball, it'll hit his, it'll hit his, the top of his head and it rolls down the back. It goes the wrong way, like a like a fumble or something like that. So I filmed them doing it and afterwards I put my hand down for him to give me a high five, no, the low five, the old school low five, and he brought his hand all the way back and fucking slammed his hand down. I was psyched. Both my kids slap five like that. They don't do that little, you know,

dead fish thing. Some of these people do. What am I talking about here, people? I, you know, I'm going to have to put pause on this game because my fucking train of thought is going to be nowhere here with this fucking watching this goddamn game. Look at this Christ there on the 40 yard line. Nah, we don't need this shit. Leonard Fournette right up the middle. Nothing, nothing. He looks old as shit, by the way. I don't know when he, they, they had him fucking running around to the outside. Looks like me playing touch football. I don't know why he just looks slow. Is that crazy for a 53 year old white commuting? Be saying a black running back in the NFL looks slow. To say he looks like me. Anyway, oh, you know what was funny about Red Rocks,

right? Absolutely breathtaking scenery, right? But because we were filming, we had a spotlight on me and it was so in my eyes, I could not. That's right there, Fred, the old fucking slapped out at ground. Deflected pass. Sorry. The spotlight was so in my face. I couldn't see any of the Red Rocks. So I felt like I was talking into this giant walk-in closet, but the energy of the people was amazing. And like four times during the show, you know, when the wind was blowing towards the stage, this cloud of weed smoke would wash over me. And I was just like, this is fucking amazing. Am I going to lose this fucking bet? Look at this shit. This is going to be everybody, you know, the next day. Is it time to panic down the Tampa Bay? I'll

tell you, you know, they started off all right. It's, it's a weird thing. You know, you got all the same players, they're all back, but I got to tell you, these, you know, if I'm, if I'm looking at Tampa Bay and I'm looking at the last two weeks, I got to tell you, I don't like what I see. And if I'm Bruce Arons, I got to be thinking, when is Tom Brady going to take over the head coaching reigns like he did last year so we can win another one? I watched that LSU Auburn game right up until the end and then I had to go on stage. So I missed the ending. I don't know how we ended up losing. I knew they had the fucking ball. What else did I watch? I watched like another upset. I don't know. I'm just hoping Ohio State loses again. Not because I really give a fuck.

I just love when they lose and just listening to their fans talking about why they should still be in the playoff. It's like a fucking tradition now. Like Ohio State could literally have two losses in the big 10 and they'd be like, okay, I know. All right. They were early in the season. Okay. And I'm just listening to my argument. I'm going to tell you why we should still be in the playoff. Then they go in the playoff and they get fucking smoked like nine times out of 10. They lose by fucking 40 points. So I'm sitting there going, why do they keep putting these fucking assholes in the playoffs to have a boring game and get fucking smoked? And I just think that it's got to be a ratings thing. It's kind of like how they put Notre Dame.

Notre Dame was on before you could buy packages and shit, college football packages or whatever. Fucking Notre Dame was on every single week. They sucked for like 15, 20 years and they were just on because everyone would watch them. So I think Ohio State has a little bit of that going on. I don't know how strong the big 10 is, but I don't know. They played one game outside and they got their fucking asses kicked. And that's what ends up happening. Then they talk all this shit about how tough the big 10 is. And then they go in, like I said, nine times out of 10, they end up fucking, it seems like they lose by like 20. This has been a tough podcast for the fucking Urban Meyer fans. Hey, did they take down the statue of Urban Meyer now? Now that he was

there getting the fucking sort of a Buffalo Wild Wings lap dance? Like, how does the math work on that? I don't know. We shall see. Man, I haven't been one of those places in a while. I was speaking to that dude. I gotta like, you know, once I get this, the instrument rating, then my next thing's going to be is to get rid of this fucking COVID wait, man. I gotta, I gotta knock this shit off. I did pretty good when I was out there. Then I got to Minnesota. It was like the day after the big fucking stress thing. So I got a burger, like an asshole. Didn't eat my salad that night, you know, because I had the burger at me going, Hey, man, let's eat something else. That's fun. Then I had like a mini pizza and a

fucking chocolate chip cookie. And I woke up this morning and my, my belly looked like how it does usually at the end of the day, like what the fuck did I do? I woke up like that. And I was like, all right, we ain't going out that way. We're going out. So I got, I tried, I tried when I was in St. Louis. I really tried. I went to, there was a fucking smoothie place right near the hotel. And I walked over there and they had this peanut butter protein fucking smoothie and I go, is this thing healthy? And she goes, yeah, it's delicious. So I said, all right, so she makes it for me. And I had gone to the gym. I did legs and eggs. And I'll look at that synchronized celebrating of the sack there. I don't know what that was. They should have been doing that in a

pool. They look like synchronized swimmers here. They just sack Mack Jones. It was weird. I don't know. Did they both do it? Oh, maybe the other guy was just supporting him. Actually kind of interesting. They framed it nice, like a music video for half a second. The only thing I worry about Mack Jones is he always seems to have his legs like awkwardly underneath him as some 300 fucking pound guy is bringing him down to the ground. It's like the second or third time this game alone. Oh, Jesus Christ. The field goal kicker again, number nine. And like all young people, he is impressed with himself. What happened? He just went on. Oh, the big boy cleared them both out.

That guy's a problem. Not number nine. That other guy. That was like a fucking car with the break off just started rolling, you know, and then the owner tries to get in front of it. He just did that to a fucking offensive lineman. Patriots, punting out of their own end zone. Dude, could they have more fucking graphics on the field? They're making like the grass different colors. It's like, I get it. This is the 10 yards. Come on, you old bastard. Say it's ours. Oh, Jesus. 52. That's wishful thinking. Come on. No, no. How the fuck did they get it? There was like three of us down there. Neither one's letting go.

What's the other guy doing? The other guy there with side control. There's like two guys like to fucking hold in the hope diamond and there's another guy. You know what that's like? That's like when a famous person dies and that's like the distant relative that shows up like, I fucked him for a week. Can I have a car? This right here is why you tape a game. This is going to take for fucking ever. They're going to have to go under the hood. They got to talk. This guy's got his hat off. Yeah. What? Get the fuck out of here. Unsportsman like conduct your ass. I don't like this Carl Muldoon looking motherfucker. What is the problem? What the fuck just happened? Why is he wearing number 18?

Oh, he got pushed out of bounds. Oh, and then he didn't try to get back in. But oh shit. Yeah. I didn't even notice that. I was watching that like three times. That's that's the right call. I'm sorry, Carl Muldon. The fucking guy was running down the whole goddamn night. Yeah, I know, but then you should have got back in bounds later. Do they have to let him get back in? Bill looks like he's standing on the front of a yacht right now. Let me sailboat. Oh, Jesus, that would have been fucking huge. We needed that.

Oh, God. All right. The fucking guy talked to him looks like Drew Bledsoe from behind, doesn't he? I'm just assuming you guys are watching this on YouTube at this point. Somebody's uploaded the game. Everybody else is like, Bill, we don't give a fuck. What are you talking about? All right, how long into this podcast am I? Because I think it's time to put my daughter to bed. I swear to God, I'm going to be more fucking focused. All right, I got to hit stop right now. I got to put my daughter to bed and then I'm coming back. All right. Coming back. All right, I'm back. Well, I don't know what the fuck happened, but I take it Brady went right down the field and scored a touchdown three minutes left in the third quarter. So I

guess it's, you know, nice fucking 1012 play drive. Is that what it was eight up the whole fucking third quarter? All right, we have a nice little dump off there. All right, let's get back to the goddamn podcast here. I swear to God, if I lose this bet, the Patriots better win. There you go first. Patriots. Got an asshole bets against his own fucking team. I don't know. Someone like me. Does that fit your thing? All right, let's let's do a little some reads here. All right, Helix everybody. Helix. Helix sleep has a quiz that takes just two minutes to complete and matches your body type and sleep preference to the perfect mattress for you. Why would you buy a mattress made for someone else with Helix? Helix, you're getting a mattress that you know

will be perfect for the way you sleep. Everybody's unique. And Helix knows that. And they're really catering to the, the me generation of social media. Everybody's unique and special and, you know, has a right to a medical opinion and to question doctors and and get that second opinion from someone who isn't a doctor. So they have several different mattress models to choose from. They have soft, medium and firm mattresses. Mattress is great for cooling you down if you sleep hot. Jesus Christ. A hot sleeper. What the fuck is that? Although those people that I always make fun of that wear the winter jacket and have shorts on, you know, they get in a bed. Any, any sort of a fucking layer on them.

They don't have any antifreeze in them. So if you're looking for a mattress that running hot, you take the quiz, you order the mattress that you match to and the mattress comes right to your door ship for free. You don't ever need to go to a mattress store again. Helix is awesome, but don't take my word for it. Helix was awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2020 by G and 2020. God knows we all laid around that year. And by GQ and Wired magazine. Helix has been around, has been recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving sleep. Just go to helixsleep.com slash burr. Take their two minute quiz and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give

you the best sleep of your life. Patriots driving. They have a 10 year warranty and you get to try it out for a hundred nights risk free. Dump it off. It's set up. They have a 10 year warranty and you get to try it out for a hundred nights risk free. They even pick it up for you if you don't love it, but you will. Helix even has financing options. You can put it on layaway. Oh, someday I'm going to get a good night sleep and flexible payment plans. So a great night's sleep is never far awake. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash burr. That's helixsleep.com slash burr for up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows helixsleep.com. All right. And with that,

and with that, that's great. This is perfect. Masshole malts. All right. I got a Patriots game on in the background. I can't even get through my advertising without screaming and yelling here. This, this is perfect. Masshole malts. Dear breakfast bill and Mr. Thamelis, big fan of you both. Bill for the laughs, Andrew for the music taste. Everybody always fucking gives Andrew a shout out for his great music taste. Long time listener. First time writing in. I currently live in LA as an actor. I roll. What do you mean? That's a great thing to try. It takes a lot of balls to do that. Bill, in your last podcast, you were talking about malts. I figured you get a real kick out of this. I grew up a soda jerk. A soda jerk. Does that mean you work the soda fountain at some

place? I'm from a town called Yarmouth Port on Cape Cod, dude. Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Fucking clam diggers. My grandfather. Great, great, great, great back in 1889 was the postmaster general town selectman and the pharmacist. All right. Let me do that in Boston accent. He was the postmaster general town selectman and the pharmacist. He built an ice cream soda fountain. And my extremely ornery father still runs it today. Five generations later, it just turned 132 this summer. Dude, I'm going to this place. What's the name of it? Anyway, if the chocolate malts are still sitting heavy, I'm including a recipe for ice cream sodas below. What a good shit, which are a lighter, but just as good. And you can add your malt in case you're wondering

why I didn't include the name of this extremely well-described landmark. It's because I know you like figuring shit out. If you ever find yourself on the Cape with the family, head to Provincetown. I've never been there. That's way out on the Cape right at the end. And you almost go back to Boston. It curls all the way back around again and go to Macmillan Wharf and learn about the pirate, Sam Bellamy. Now, is this actually a real pilot or a pirate or is this like some gay bar that has a theme? Because you are in Provincetown. And the shipwreck of Wellfleet and the recovered gold, the witch, his lover in the story is my distant relative. Dude, this is like, this started off like something I was into. Now this sounds like

some conspiracy theory babble. Did your other personality just kick in? Her family name is the same as the ice cream soda fountain. Okay, he's giving me mysteries here. Patriots on the goal line. They're playing Smash Mouth Big Ten football. No, he fucking dumps it off to the tight end. Coming off the line. Two touchdowns, baby. Mac Jones, the upstart, the upstart. Ladies and gentlemen, my eyes are too fucked up. Is that 13 to 13? Yes, it is. We got a game. We got a game. All right. If the thought of searching for something sounds like a whole fucking thing right now, which it often does, fuck it. The store is called block your ears if you want to go on the fucking little magical mystery tour there.

Hallets. Anyway, it's all weird New England shit, but whatever. Go down some internet rabbit hole. For the sake of Halloween. I'm going to do it, man. That's a great story. There's witches and pirates and fucking soda fountains. I mean, that's not the love. Wait, do witches date pirates? Is that how it goes? And what do they call that? What are those nerds call that in the Middle Earth world? Whatever the fuck it is. Appreciate it seeing you and Kirk Fox and Reservation Dogs. Thank you. Hope to work with you one day. Go Bruins. Go fuck yourself. All right. Dude, this is supposed to be lighter. A pint of ice cream. Hershey's chocolate syrup. Salsa slash club soda. Get yourself some good ice cream. None of that

shit made with the water. Well, which one's made with water? Haagen-Dazs is preferable for store bought. Go with chocolate. Don't be an asshole. All right. I wish every recipe was written like this. Get yourself a pint glass because you won't have the right fucking glass for this anyway. Dude, I have ice cream soda glasses. Somebody gave it to me for my birthday. All right. So you watch your fucking mouth. You think I'm not serious? Get a big spoon. Nothing crazy just bigger than the average cereal spoon. First put about two ounces of chocolate syrup in the pint glass, then about two to three ounces of the ice cream. Now mash. Work the syrup and the ice cream into a paste. If you're looking with the stone cone creamery, add a little more ice cream if needed.

You can also add malt at this point, but don't go overboard. A little goes a long way with malt. Listen guys, speaking like a pro. Now at a, at a paste consistency, start adding a little club soda. Back in the day, soda fountains had a way to pull toward yourself for streaming soda and push back for a very thin, forced shot. Oh, so if you pulled, you got more. If you push back, you go, oh yeah, it's kind of like the, uh, the pulse button on the mixer. Keep mixing. Add a bit more club soda. The head is going to start getting big because of all of the cream. Then you can see it settling through. Keep adding club soda and keep stirring until the pint glass is about three quarters full. Should have a big head. Dude, if I ever work with you,

I'm going to watch you do this. Should have a big head of chocolate foam. Now take a big scoop of chocolate ice cream and place it on the side of the glass. Shmash, smashing it on the rim to set the scoop in place of the rim. Insert the straw in a long spoon and enjoy. You can make them with any flavor as long as you have the syrup and the corresponding ice cream. Don't mix. Cheers. In other words, don't use strawberry syrup with chocolate. I got it. What a good shit. He's the good shit soda fountain man. Let me know how to be a fat fucker. Right. The milk man way of life is still around. All right. I have mentioned in the past how when I was a kid before inflation, nothing, nothing. Third down, baby. Sorry, just strung out the run really nicely.

Yeah, I was saying how, you know, a milk man, I could have a stay at home wife if he wanted to. Right. And all he did was just deliver milk, pick up the empties, deliver the milk. It was just like, you know, like there's a real like something, I don't know. Don't listen to all this fucking social media shit where everybody's saying you just got to keep pushing yourself to be better, to get better, to do more, to make more, to achieve and all of that shit. And that's, that's a great way to have your life go flying by. As I've learned after fucking 30 years of doing just that, you know, you did a bunch of shit, you saw a bunch of stuff, but how much of it will you actually living? So I always look back at some of those jobs like, what if I just fucking

drove a milk truck? Just drove that around town, you know, breaking balls with the other guys down at the fucking place, you know, you drop it off, you come home, come home for lunch, stay at home, wife has a sandwich ready for you, like the whole old school thing, right? And just saying how it went away because of inflation and all of that crap. Every August, we print like a trillion dollars and act like this Ponzi scheme is still working. Well, this guy claims the milkman way of life is still around. Dear Billy Burger with a large fries burr. I've noticed the past few weeks listening to the MMP and anything better that you've brought up how you used to be able to support a family and have a stay at home white life while working as a milkman. Yeah,

like a simple having a regular just blue collar job around town, even like a mailman. I think even then, you know, even if you're in the fucking union and all of that shit, you still need that second income, it seems. I mean, granted, back in the day, the kids weren't going, I want an iPad, you know, which back then you literally ask them for like a spaceship. I would just like to inform you that in some parts of the world that is still the case, my father lives in Nova Scotia, Canada. And until about two years ago, he did just that. That's awesome. He started in 1990. He woke up at 3am, five days a week for almost 30 years. He delivered door to door to local restaurants into convenience stores. Luckily, he was able to

sell his milk root to someone else before the COVID struck. It wasn't a glamorous life we lived, but my brother and I never went without. Yeah, playing sports, always food on the table, lots of presents at Christmas, a typical middle class white trash upbringing. Yeah, that's that's my wheelhouse right there. Did Tom Brady just run for a first down at 53 years of age? Did he just do that 44 years of age? Look at this takes off right up the middle. Nobody saw that coming. Why don't people like wrap their arms around somebody when they go to town? He can't even believe it. Holy shit, I made it. Typical middle class white trash upbringing. That's my wheelhouse right there. You live in a duplex, right? Your neighbors smell your food,

and they hear the arguments. My mother stayed home with us until we were in high school and old enough to take care of ourselves. He didn't get paid a salary or an hourly wage either. He made his money from buying milk from a local dairy and reselling it. I learned a lot about work ethic when he would take me with him in the summers. Dude, that's like the Bronx tail riding around on the bus. That's awesome. Just wanted to let you know that the milkman lifestyle isn't a thing of the past yet. He now spends his days managing the liquor store to keep himself busy. He's also a bald pasty cunt like you. Big fan and thanks for all the laughs and go fuck yourself. Dude, I got to be honest with you. I think that is an amazing life to do that.

To work like that, there's that great sense of satisfaction and you're really providing a service. Then I'm sure there was times people needed milk and they didn't have the money. He said, don't worry. Get me next week because you guys were all on a first name basis. I mean, that's the shit. Tampa Bay is just not playing well. Look at Brady like Jesus Christ. These guys are all more athletic than me. If they would just try as hard as I do, we wouldn't keep getting these stupid penalties. I was at a timeout. I don't know what. Look at this superhero trying to sell me a fucking SUV. Piercing blue eyes. He just winked at me. I think I want to buy this. I thought that was Captain America. Then he had wings. Captain America doesn't have wings. Does

he have wings? I thought the hot guy had wings and then Captain America drove around and it was cheap. I thought he was an army guy. They just had Thor. Now Thor's fucking hanging out of one fucking Ace Ventura. All right. Australia beatings. I love Australia. I haven't been there in a long time. This guy says, long time listener. I saw you here years ago and it was incredible. Yeah. I really miss going down there. I just don't know how to do it with my kids. I really don't. I have to figure that out. I'll have to wait till they get a little bit bigger or whatever. I've had such a great time. Every time I went down there, fucking people down there are hilarious. Really, really funny people. Just have fun.

The most beautiful coasts and oceans I've ever seen in my life and it's so funny is those were the most tempting oceans to go into and they are littered with sharks down there. Which by the way, I saw this amazing YouTube video. No, I'm sorry. Instagram thing. This woman like taking fish hooks out of sharks mouths and they were coming up to her like dogs. I hope we don't fuck up the world beyond repair before we figure out how awesome a lot of animals that we think are fucking or fish or whatever that we think are awful. It's really an abusive relationship that we have with animals and we blame so many of them just because we're afraid of them. This reality is there's no reason why we should ever even come

in contact with the shark. Australia beatings. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I saw some of this. I was wondering if you heard about what was going on here. It's very unsettling the measures the authorities are taking. The physical brutality against people sitting outside in the middle of nowhere without a mask on is psychotic. Yeah, that sounds crazy. I'm sure you've seen the videos of people being beaten with batons for their own safety. That's not why they're beating them at this point. They're just sick of waiting for them to get on board. Beaten, mate. Beaten. Yes, just yesterday a member of the government said the people who don't cooperate will starve. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to, I hate to say it, but this is the route it's going to go. Listen, mate,

whatever anyone believes is their own right. Yes, whatever you believe is your own right until you're hurting other people. And even if the government wants to err on the side of caution, fine, but what kind of society are they creating when this is the tone? Also the beatings. All right. Yeah, the beatings are terrible. What also is bad is to not get vaccinated and continue to help spreading a virus and you're round about killing people's grandparents or their fat uncle or whatever. I mean, what's going on is nuts on both sides. Both sides are crazy and yelling at each other and spiking gallons of milk in convenience stores and beating somebody who's not wearing a mask because they're outside, but they're not near anybody, like beating them. Like what are you

doing? Like all of it is fucking nuts. But unfortunately not surprising because war is still legal, you know, and that is solving a problem with violence, you know, and that's how human beings are. It's fucking ridiculous that we've been around this long, that this is what we do and you see all the fallouts and all the documentaries about all of this shit and that we still end up doing stuff like that. I think it is absolutely horrific that they're beating their own citizens and the same way I think it's absolutely horrific that someone, you know, you don't want to get vaccinated, fine, I don't give a shit about that, but you can at least wear a goddamn mask, but like you're not even going to do that and or act like you, you know,

do the passive aggressive, like not, you know, put it on properly and you could kill somebody and you're so fucking wrapped up in your own shit. I mean, it's just not as obvious as just walking up and beating somebody. I mean, that's just a horrible thing to see. But like, I don't know, I don't get it. But I'm not going to tell anybody what to do. You can do whatever the fuck you want to do. But I mean, this what's going on down in Australia is this is going to be, you know, hopefully, you know, modern medicine is going to solve it the way they've solved everything else. And they don't get credit for fucking slowing down the AIDS epidemic. And now you can live with it. I mean, what they've done is incredible. I had a rupture of appendix in 1980

and I'm still here because of doctors and nurses, because of what they did 40 fucking years ago. So I dance with what brung me. I'm sticking with this and the internet is brand fucking new and there's no rules of libel or slander. And you just look at how, I don't know, there's people now all of a sudden think the world is flat. I mean, and that is a symptom of the internet and these giant uninformed think tanks that are going on. It's just it is what it is. I do I'm really sorry that that's going on down there. Yeah, but human beings in power solve things with violence. They always do. Oh my god, no fucking way. Look at that. Oh, what a big plate. We're taking out all we're going to win. We're going to win this fucking game. Pulling out all the stops.

I think Bill Belichick maybe, you know, some of these fucking sports talk radio guys when Brady won the Super Bowl and they were sitting there going, does that mean that Brady Belichick didn't do anything? I think he took that personally. I mean, that's like the second trick play we've called this game. I love it. All right. Okay, here we go. So anyways, I do not condone beating people that don't believe in what you're doing. All right, men not organizing. Hey, Billy bulbous bullocks. I was listening to one of your many podcast clips on YouTube and one thing you said really stuck with me. You mentioned how women

are better than men when it comes to getting things done in their benefit, because they're able to organize themselves into groups in order to champion for a cause. Yeah, they are good at that. They're good at threatening men, you know, on a one on one level in a relationship all the way up. Although, you know, they're losing big time, you know, in Texas, if you're, if you're, if you're pro choice, if you're pro life, I don't know, you think they're winning. I don't, I'm not going to get involved in that shit. They ain't stepping in that fucking swamp. Anyway, he's, he said, I think it was your explanation of why feminists on top of having so much influence don't seem to have a male counterpart.

I don't even know what that means. And he goes, I have to disagree with their disagree there. I don't, I don't know what you're talking about. Wait, it comes to think organized, but because they're better able to, to organize themselves into groups in order to champion for a cause. I think it was your explanation as to why feminists on top of having so much influence don't seem to have a male counterpart. What does that mean? They don't have a male counterpart. First of all, dude, you're listening to a podcast. This is me just trying to fill up an hour. So God knows, I don't even remember half the shit I say. I have to disagree with

there. Oh, you know what? I agree with you. You're right. I shouldn't have said that shit. This is the new me. It just ends these type of conversations. Yeah, you're right, man. I keep, why, why did I say that? From my experience, the biggest problem is that men who do get together to stand up for their rights are either ignored or immediately labeled as hateful misogynists. I highly recommend you check out a documentary about the men's right movement titled the red pill. Interestingly enough, it was created by a lady, documentarian by the name of KCJ, who prior to the production of the documentary was a feminist. In fact, the documentary was originally made in an attempt to show how evil men's right activists were.

Um, okay. I don't know much about men's rights activists. I remember a few of them tried to like attach themselves to my podcast, and I was reading what they were writing. It just sounded like a bunch of guys that weren't getting laid. I'm all for divorce guys, though, going to the divorce court. What happens in divorce court to most of the time men, but straight across the board to who was, who was ever making more money. Cause now you're seeing that with women now that they're getting opportunities and they're fucking crushing it and they're making a lot of money. And all of a sudden they get divorced and you know, the guy starts asking for ridiculous

alimony. I mean, it's just, it's a fucking travesty, whoever it happens to. I just don't understand why there's two people involved. Like both of you, your, your relationships failed. So there should be 50, 50 responsibility and how one person who like makes less money gets to basically live the same lifestyle and just have the person they don't no longer love removed from the situation. I mean, that's, that's ridiculous to do that to a man or a woman. Um, anyway, what's sad is that her abandonment of the physical back to the, uh, the documentarian who want, want to do a thing to show men's rights, people looking like assholes. And then she became one, I guess, I guess feminists would say she has Stockholm syndrome. What's sad is that her

abandonment of the feminist label arose when she found herself attacked and slandered by those who once considered, she once considered friends in the feminist community, simply because she was giving a voice to a different perspective. Yeah. There's a lot of that, uh, in everywhere from sports fans to activists. Um, and especially on the internet, people like to hear people say what they think, make some feel better and make some feel right, make some feel smart. I don't know what it is. Um, anyway, also I won't lie. Maybe I'm just a crier, but some of the interviews shown in the video made me shed some big ones. In any case, thanks for reading my message. Love your humor, your podcasts and your acting. Thank you. Best wishes to your family. Peace, love,

and go fuck yourself. I gotta be honest with you. Um, I have enough issues with women. I don't need to watch that. Um, I don't, I don't because I, I overcorrect the other way. So I need to fucking be a little more empathetic. Having said that, I'm not going to, I don't let myself get walked all over. I'll take the fight. I'll sleep on the couch. I don't give a shit. Um, boyfriend interrupts sex time to close curtains. Hey, Billy blue balls. Hey, Billy blue balls. Um, what do we got here? Long time lady listener here. I've been with my lovely boyfriend for two years and despite being very much in love, I'm starting to get irritated by our sex lives every time he initiates. And I put that in quotes cause how he initiates is sending me a message

while he's in the other room while jerking off. Oh brother, expecting me to go to him and skip over all the foreplay. Oh yeah. He's trying to postmate pussy. This guy is trying to skip all the coming attractions. Get right to the car chase. Uh, and since I'm kind of easy and I like to have a good time, I think I trained him not to try. All right. Well, look at you taking a responsibility for a little bit of it. That's great. It shows that you're a fully formed adult on some level. So what I would do is I, yeah, I think you need to sit down and have a talk with them. That's what I'm, another thing he does is if we do start off and get in the mood, is get up in the middle of undressing, close all the windows and curtains,

not an inch of exposure is tolerated and returned like you would after pausing a game. The problem is he forgets it's an online game. And by the time he's done closing all the windows and curtains, I'm no longer in the mood. Well, how many fucking windows do you have also with all these fucking perverts and cameras, they got drones. He's probably doing you a favor. I've addressed this before, but to no available. He's paranoid. Someone is watching slash recording us while we're fucking. That's a good thing to do though, be a little paranoid. I'm sure there are creeps out there, but I feel he's blowing it out of proportion. No pun intended. It's becoming a boring routine where I'm sitting there half naked, watching him slowly close the curtains all over

the place. That's like when you go to a diner and they bring in your eggs and they like the toast is coming. It's like eggs over easy. I need toast with this for the yoke. And he just sitting there while the eggs are getting cold. Her eggs are getting cold, buddy. Anyway, how do I convince him that nobody gives a fuck about our sex lives? I used to walk around naked in my apartment, not giving a fuck, but he's very wary of even a few seconds of exposure exposure. Thanks and fuck you. PS, are you doing your tour anytime soon? All right. Okay, so you're more of an exhibitionist. You walk around naked in your apartment without the fucking curtains closed. I guarantee you, some guy figured out a way to look at you and jerk off because that's how guys are.

It just is, it is what it is. It's like snow in the winter. You're fucking a woman and you're walking around in your apartment naked. Eventually one day you're going to look and there's going to be a guy's head looking in the window. It's just, it's going to happen. All right. We do not live in a perfect world, act accordingly. So I don't know what I would, yeah, you just, this is easy. You just need to talk to him. Just say, listen, how about you go downtown a little bit instead of fucking, you know, going right to a cruising altitude. This guy goes right to the end of the fireworks, the 1812 overture. That's an easy conversation. The blinds, I don't know. Well, let me ask you this. Are you, are you someone that gets off on the fact that maybe somebody is

kind of watching, you know, you're walking around naked and you know, back in my day, old single bill, I met a number of women. They liked being a little bit of a exhibitionist. I have no idea if he's going the other way, you know, maybe that's turning you off beyond it getting you out of the mood. Is it also turning you off a little bit? You know, this is what he should do. If that's what I would do. If I, if I had was paranoid like him and you liked walking around naked in the apartment, what I would do is I'd bang you at night. Okay. I'd stick your head out the window and I'd pull the curtain down right to right above, you know, where the tramp stamp is and I'd be banging you from behind. You could have your head out the window. We're

both happy. See, a relationship is all about compromise, everybody. That's it. Get a little fresh air. You feel like you went for a walk. So anyway, that is the, sorry about that, everybody. That is the podcast. I'm watching this here. Tom terrific is going down the field. There's three minutes left in the game. Is he going to cover my bet first down Tom Brady? This is why gambling sucks is because I need him to score a fucking touchdown. No, wait, no, no, wait, I'm going to lose this bet. I forgot what my spread was. It was minus six and they're fucking down by what one. So they score a touchdown that seven. Oh, you fuck. I'm going to push.

How about a round of applause for fucking Vegas? I mean, does anybody do it better than Vegas? How do they do it? How did the Sam Roth scenes? They just pick the perfect number. Of course, I wasn't going to go for no on my bets. What the fuck was I thinking? All right. Look at Bruce. I mean, this is just his dream gig. He's 69 years old. He's on his way out. He's got a player coach, the greatest quarterback of all time. He got himself a Super Bowl ring last year. I'm surprised he came back. Cool dude like that. You know, this can go hats and shit. I figured he'd just be get himself a cigar and go off into the sunset, but the man loves the game.

It's one of the hardest stairs I've ever seen in my life. He's still thinking about running out of bounce. All right. This is the end of the podcast, but I'm going to stay on here for the final couple minutes here with this Patriots game. Tom Brady. All right. All of you guys are faster than me, but no one knows the game better than me. Just do what the fuck I say and we're going to win another one. Okay. On two, on two, ready, break. Bill Belichick. Squinting is always emotionless. Second and eight, it says right on the grass. In case I couldn't read it at the bottom of my fucking screen. Tom Brady going for it. Oh, fuck. I thought that was going to drop in there. All right. Third and eight.

Third and eight. This is going to be the exact thing I didn't want. These fucking assholes are going to kick a field goal to win it. I bet against my own goddamn team. Jesus Christ. Another miscommunication there. It's like I threw it to the back shoulder there. How many times we got to do it in practice? Oh, the water boys coming out. Bobby Boucher. Bill Belichick. Where the fuck's my son? Someone was mentioning this. Oh, Dean Delray was talking about how football pants are slowly just becoming shorts. Like not only are there no knee pads, most of them don't even wear knee pads,

the pants are above the knee. Which is amazing to me because knee injuries end your fucking career. A lot of these guys, the flashy guys there, the what they call it, the running backs, the wide receivers, the guys that get all the fucking ladies, right? They need to be fast. I would have every fuck. I'd be wearing that Barry Bonds fucking middle-aged thing, middle-aged thing that he fucking wore. Here we go again. Same fucking play. He juggled it out of bounds. Now it's fourth and eight. Now they kick a field goal. Now they kick a field goal, they go up. It will make it 19 to 17, and I've lost my bet. Because even if the Patriots come down and kick a field goal,

at least we can win the fucking game. It's enough time where we can win the game. Oh, Jesus. He should have had it. I mean, look at this guy. 44 years old. He just, he puts it right. What does he got to do? Does he got to fucking hand it to you? I got a feeling this guy's going to miss it. He's going to push it wide right. He already fucked one up today. Come on, you shit bird. Push it right. Push it right. Yeah, you fucking bastard. Good for you. Good for you. You don't have to put your house on the market. All right, I'm not going to sit here for two minutes of timeouts and fucking commercials. Son of a bitch. We better win this fucking game if I'm going to

lose my bet. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great couple days and I'll check it on you on Thursday.