Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-5-20

Episode Date: October 5, 2020

Bill rambles about animals, whore-wear, and NFL football.

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Monday! October 5th, 2020, what's going on? How are ya? How's it going everybody? How was your beginning of the October? Did you get some pumpkin spice latte? Mocha, fucking whatever? Is that what you did? I love the holiday season and I just feel like Halloween is just,

it's so overlooked. You know, I realize in the gay community, it's really celebrated, but I don't know that it's celebrated in a pumpkin spice type away. The crunch of the leaves under your feet. Cinnamon sticks. And your cereal. Yes, the holiday season. Doobie doobie doo.

Ba da ba ba. Everyone, godfucked. Why the hell would you ask for a gift? Oh, it's not going to stop the bruds from asking for something shiny, right? They're watching the Kardashians with all their whole wear. Right? Ugh, Jesus. It's really funny, like, is it funny, Bill?

Well, let me present it and then you can decide. I think it's hilarious that all of those high-end brands, the Rodeo Drive ones, that like now when I look at that shit, you know, what I just equate that to a reality show star with ass fat in her lips. This is a bull guy, a fucking purse. Oh, really? Is that to carry all your ass fat over to your fucking plastic surgeon? You fucking, whatever.

It's the end of the world as I know it. And whores feel fine. Speaking of music, if you could call what I just did anything musical, I actually have this fucking song in my head. Remember that song? That Quincy Jones. And that dude, compliment what she does. Sander roses just because.

If it's violin, she loves to let her play. Remember that song? I downloaded that album. I cannot get that song out of my head. I've been listening to it, walking around in New York City. I'm here this week and I've been walking around. It just makes me, puts me in such a great mood. Reminds me to be nice to my wife.

This song shouldn't have to remind. Shut up, bitch. And it makes me feel, it just puts me in this stupid fucking mood that I'm at the end of a feel good movie. And it's helping me out. Because I'm trying to work out this shit for this gig I got this week. And I'm doing it in front of eight people on top of a roof in broad daylight with fire engines driving by.

Out on sidewalks and everything. But it's amazing, like I'm starting to, it's coming together. Just keep working. I had my little hissy fit melt down. Because I had such a bad experience doing stand up here, you know, last summer that the second I saw the Empire State Building, I was triggered. Now the reality is you can't even see, when you're out in Jersey.

Alright, underrated Jersey. Alright, now I know that everybody thinks Jersey is just a bunch of animals. Look, there's a lot of animals there. But even though there's a lot of animals out on Long Island, you know, there's a lot of fucking animals in Massachusetts where I'm from. There's a lot of fucking animals out there. A lot of fucking animals, okay? But that's good. That's a good thing.

It's a good thing that there's a bunch of fucking animals out there because that's how you separate yourself from the pack. You know, it's like, hey, I might not be the smartest guy, but you know, I stopped wiping my nose on my sleeve when I was eight. So, can I have a job? Um, dedicate her favorite song and hold her closer all night long.

Love her today. Sorry. Love her today. Fight 100 ways. You know, it's such an accurate song. That's how you should treat your woman. Like, it's going to take at least 100 ways to try to keep her happy. Sorry. All right, enough.

Enough, Bill. Can you just stop? It's a time to bring people together during the new normal. Um, hey, do you think Dopey's going to wear a fucking mask now? Oops. That's like when you're saying there's no fucking way the Miami heat are going to win a game against the Lakers.

They're going to sweep on Bob. Oops. This guy, this guy has a mask on. He's standing like 200 feet away from people and you get fucking COVID. And you know what's hilarious is I love how he fucking, he goes, uh, he tried to make himself patriotic. Well, that's because so and so had it. And she's a troupe and me and Melanie, we love her.

We're hugging her. We're kissing her. I tried to get a threesome going. Uh, she sneezed on my cock. My cock was inhaling unlike Lytton. I always inhale. He never inhales. Some people say I'm the greatest inhaler ever. And the COVID went in through my cock as long as my tie. Very long tie, very long cock satisfies Melanie.

Satisfies her 100 ways. Um, whatever. I would, I just hope that people who have been duped into thinking that this virus is somehow political. Uh, now that he has tested positive, a bunch of leaders are all coming out now around the world. All right. All right. I kissed too many babies or whatever the fuck they say.

And they did on the campaign trail. Um, now like everybody has it. Um, okay, that's everybody. That's everybody. Bobby Bowden, 90 years old. He has fortunately has mild symptoms. So, uh, you know, I don't want to see the president die. So hopefully he gets better. Um, and also, you know, I don't know.

Comedically, just the guys, just so many jokes. Um, anyway, let's, let's, let's plow ahead here. Let's, let's get out of that shit. He's going to be fine. His wife is like 30 years old, so she'll be fine. And oh, slight dig that bill. Um, everybody will be fine. Just try to wear a mask of people. I mean, and it's not just the people in the red states.

Now, you know, the people out there on their fucking boats, the bass boats, the only guy got twin 350 fucking Buick engine. I took out of my fucking, uh, uh, what was that fucking car my neighbor had? He was asleep, you know, says a little to my wife in a way. I don't appreciate. So when he was asleep, I went over to his Buick Regal. He dropped to 350 and I took it out.

Um, that's not just those people because I'm walking around liberal ass New York and just the amount of people that are, you know, they yank their mask down because they got to talk on their fucking cell phone, you know, and then they're standing next to you and like as you're waiting across the street, it's like you're breathing on me. You're in my fucking airspace here. Uh, you know, people with the mask on top of their head,

below the chin, below the nose, all of that shit. It's still going, it's going on everywhere. And there's a couple of breakouts here in liberal fucking New York. So I'm not shitting on the red states. I'm trying to bring everybody together. Uh, you're only as strong as the dumbest person in your state. Don't ever forget that. So let's root for the scientists.

They've got to come up with a cure because we're too fucking dumb. We're too fucking dumb to literally just do what they tell us to do. Um, I only think that there was a fucking meteor that you could see or an asteroid that was going to destroy the fucking earth unless you did X, Y and Z. There would still be people on the internet with no scientific background going like, you know, I actually, I don't think that's a fake. It's a fake rock.

You can see, look around the ridges. Uh, they took that out of ET or some fucking sci-fi. I don't watch sci-fi. Um, but whatever that's, it is, it is what it is. And every day these fucking dopes go out there, religious people, you know, your little group, uh, because God loves you best. You're not going to wear it. You got a boat.

You want to show up. You fucking tan tan line, whatever the fuck it is, whatever it is you're doing, talking on your fucking phone, whatever the fuck it is, you know, as much as you're doing that, the God bless these scientists and the doctors treating people and the people trying to figure this thing out so we can all try to get back to work for the holiday season. What do you think is going to happen this holiday season? People will hit hard economically.

I don't think that anybody's going to be out in the stores. Well, I actually think that, uh, you know, a lot of people, uh, you know, we're finding that they're out in the store. I saw a story the other day. It showed saying that people were actually out in stores shopping and they went to Fifth Avenue and all the, the whore wear stores. Um, and it's like, yeah, those people are rich, right? Of course they're out.

They've been out. They're not ultra rich cause when you're ultra rich, what I learned is that you, you have a, a, a open credit card account at the store, like a scalper. Remember back in the day, AC DC tickets, your first in lines at strawberries, records and tapes, you fucking buy it. They went on sales at nine. You get it at 901 and you're like first row mezzanine.

It's like, what the fuck? How did they get all that fucking yet? Cause there's, there's always somebody that has an inside angle. All right. So at these whore wear stores, there's always going to be somebody that has an open account. You know, they get the celebs to wear them first. You know, something bouncing off their butt cheeks as they're walking down the street

talking about their clam, whatever the fuck it is they're doing nowadays. You know, and, uh, you know, some DJs got it on or some shit. By the way, did what, who dies more? DJs or fucking comedians? Every time I turn around, if a comedian doesn't die, a DJ dies. If a DJ doesn't die, a fucking comic dies. Are we all fucking eating in the same green rooms around the country? Um, anyway, let's get back to the whore wear.

Um, oh my God, did you see the Balenciaga fucking line for the fall? Uh, no, I didn't, I did not see it. I don't watch the real housewives where they have a fucking, you know, a stripper pole next to their pizza oven in their fucking kitchen, all bedazzled. This is a rose gold pole. I took a stripper dance class. My husband likes to see me do standing splits while he eats beef ragu fucking ravioli. I had that the other day, man.

Ragu and ravioli are two different things. I think I had the rev, I don't know what the fuck it was. It was dressed. The pasta was dressed with wild boar, I believe. And, um, I gotta tell you, I was really amazed at that. The fact that I was eating a wild boar that I didn't have to kill, I didn't have to go into the woods and fill my heart rate going, this is a boar that is wild, like the salmon, right?

And you don't know what it's going to do. It's got them tusks. I know enough that I've seen wild boars in, in, uh, on YouTube. And I've watched lions and hyenas and all these fucking people, animals, whatever you call them, take these things down and they never want to be on the business end of the pig. You know, the second the pig fucking the boar, whatever you call it, the whore, turns around and runs at them. They're like, Hey, you know, I know I'm the king of the beast, but I'm not trying to fucking blow out an ACL with those tusks, whatever the fuck it's going to do.

And they get, they get out of the way every once in a while. There's a couple of them when you just got the Jordan, the alpha males, alpha male of, uh, fucking wild boars or whatever. And they actually chase the lions off. There's not a lot of those videos because usually what happens is they freak out and then they start running and then they're fucked because the lion can run faster. They sweep the leg like Cobra Kai and then that's it. They just fucking grab them and it's over. It's not over. There's a lot of squealing involved.

Why am I talking about this? I don't know because it was, it was delicious. And I've been old Billy elliptical the last couple of days to make sure I get my girlish figure in shape here for my New York gigs. And, um, that's what I've been up to, but I've been a busting my ass here. I got to do something on TV this week and I fucking got to, you know, not talk the way I talk on the podcast. So I've been working it out, doing stand up in all of these crazy places. It's like when I first moved to New York, right? And it's even even beyond that because at least I was inside.

Well, there's a lot of sidewalk gigs, uh, rooftops and shit like that in front of like, you know, four or five people because you got to stay within the guidelines of, uh, the COVID protocol. So, um, it's definitely been interesting, but it's always fun to be back here and stuff. I actually saw a steakhouse that I think I'm going to go to after I get past this shit, um, that I'd never heard of before, provided my wife wants to go there. And, uh, yeah, that's it. That's pretty much it. So I've been doing that. And I didn't have time to watch any of the NFL. What, but, but, but it, what it up, what it up. Um, but I did catch the scores and, uh, I got a question for you guys as a Patriots fan.

Are the Buffalo bit, your Buffalo bills are four and oh, 123 points for a hundred points against. Hey, you know, I'd like to see that number a little lower as a, uh, non-coach at any level in my life. Um, they, they seems great. And this seems like, uh, I don't know. I don't think that's going to have difficulty, uh, winning the division. Um, because I feel like now they obviously, if they keep winning in the situation that we're in with Cam Newton, Test and positive, I mean, it happens. It happens. There's 40 something guys there. When you look like a movie star and a superhero, people want to be around you.

You know, you're showing up wearing a canary yellow fucking suit that doesn't quite reach your calves. I mean, this is a guy that's going to be around town. You just, some people just have that, they have that thing. You know, someone like me, I'm a fucking, you know, man, I'm a six on a good day. I always stood in the corner at a party. You don't got to worry about me, right? You don't got to worry. I mean, who knows?

I'm walking around New York so God knows I could catch the shit too. But I really think, you know, there's a reason why magic got sick and Larry Bird didn't back in the day. You know what I mean? That just is just some people, people want to be around other people have that. Hey, why don't you fucking leave me alone vibe? So we're going to try to fight through this. They've rescheduled the game with we playing Kansas City, Kansas City. I guess a couple of people on their team.

I mean, I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I feel like they all fucking jumping a hot tub at the end of the game, bring some whores in there. I mean, you know, you know, if you're a whore, you're not fucking wearing a mask. You're wearing glasses. Sorry. That was a bad joke. All right.

Where am I going here? Wow. That just reminds me. I've not watched porn. I'm done. It's gone out of my life. I haven't watched it since May. It's it's it's it's gone like booze.

Let's talk to somebody the other day. I say, Hey man, I'm over. It's been like two years without a drink and I don't know what happened. And I thought about it for a year and a half and someone in the last six months. It just went away. And my buddy was just like, yeah, because he's been sober like seven years. And he's like, yeah, it's amazing how it was such a big party of life. And then it just kind of one day just off in the wind.

It's gone. So happy about those, those two things that I've done. There's other areas of my life. Obviously I need to work on. And if I forget those areas, I'm sure the woman in my life will remind me. Your chiefs at 3 and 0. Let's look around the league. What do we got going on?

This is very exciting. The NFL football is here. A couple of COVID tests. It doesn't fucking scare me. Why doesn't it scare you? Because I don't play in a football team. Steelers three are very quiet. Three and 0.

The Browns, your Cleveland Browns, three in one, scoring all kinds of fucking points and letting up all kinds of points. 124 points for 126 against your Cincinnati Bengals with Joe Barrow. Huh? I guess the first rookie quarterback ever to throw 300 yards per game in his first three games. Isn't that amazing? Out there right now.

Little one and two team. Nobody wants to play. Titans at 3 and 0. They're a close team, right? They got the COVID too. I guess the fucking Bears blew it against the Colts, judging by some of the tweets I got. Um, Texans 0 and 4.

No defense. I'm judging this all on just what points four points against. I, I missed a lot of the games the last couple of weeks doing all the bullshit that I've been doing. So, um, I don't know. Wait, let me check out the NFC. Let's see. We got the woeful, woeful Jesus fucking Christ.

Can you win a fucking game NFC East? This is how bad they are. The New York Giants are 0 and 4 and they're only one game out of first place. Like they're a game and a half. Because the Eagles are 1, 2, 1, 1. Uh, the team that plays in Washington, 1 and 3. Cowboys 1 and 3. I mean, it's just, I watched a bit of the Giants game, right?

And this is like the worst time to be in New York City is when the Giants and the Jets suck because your NFL Sunday is going to be the worst. Because first of all, you're going to get announcers you've never heard from who may someday be the next guys, but, or, or ladies, whatever. Right. But they stink. It's like, hey, um, Joe Blow and this is Freddie. Who the fuck are you?

And we are here live at Giants Stadium and they're about ready to lose by 20 points. I saw something when I watched, first of all, how fucked up is it that New York City has two football teams that are a combined 0 and 8. They have twice as many at bats to win a game, to win a Super Bowl. And they're both 0 and fucking 8. It's unbelievable. It really is. The New York, New York, New York Yankees, if I can get it out once again, saving the city.

How many times do the Yankees have to put on the fucking superhero cape and make this, this a respectable sports city with your two baseball, two football, two basketball, two fucking hockey. Unbelievable. Although the Islanders did well this year. You know, they lost to the eventual Stanley Cup Champions and the Easter Conference Files. Um, Seahawks 4-0, they look fucking good. They look good. Um, Packers 3-0, um, and then, uh, you can't, you can't ignore Tom Terrific.

Tom Terrific. 3-0, he's got the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Tampa Bay, Tampa. I live on a houseboat, so I can't pay, so I won't pay taxes. Uh, fucking Buccaneers. He's got them 3-1. I don't, I wish I saw that game yesterday. Um, like I said, I'm just working on this fucking thing I gotta do.

And, um, I guess they scored like three touchdowns late. It was just classic Tom Brady. I saw Gronk had a great catch. I am, um, this is such a fun year. You know, I hate that Tom ended up having to leave the Patriots for whatever reason, but like to watch this guy still be great and the chance of him leading a completely different team to a Super Bowl championship. Like, I think if he does this, first of all, who the fuck's gonna get six rings?

Again. You gotta have somebody with Tom's skill, his fucking insane drive, and then pair him up with the next Bill Belichick. I mean, I think those players come along, but the odds of them getting together, I would compare that to like lead singers and guitarists. There's some amazing lead guitarists and bands that just had a shit front man. And other guitarists will bring them up and be like, oh man, this fucking guy was just, you know, like, you know, I always hear that about, and I'm not saying like anybody is,

I don't want to name the fucking bands, but there's a few bands, but they just had a killer guitarist and then they just had some high pitch fucking, I don't know, I don't know what, singing about what, your fucking robots and shit, and you're just like, okay, whatever. It's the equivalent of being a great fucking quarterback and getting drafted by the Lions back in the day or the Bears when they socked to the Browns for all those years. It's a very difficult, it's very rare that the Bill Walsh, the Joe Montana, somehow get together. The Mick and Keith of football get together.

So, but anyway, getting back to what I was saying, if he fucking goes down Tampa, he's already gone down there, if he fucking wins down there, gets ring number seven. Even if somebody in the future gets seven, seven, he's still going to have the, yeah, but I went to another team and did it there too. I left Mick Jagger, started my own band, and it was just as big as my last band. I mean, that would be amazing, but anyway, so we shall see. I'm excited about that Thursday night football game too, speaking of Tom Brady. Tom Brady and Nick Foles meeting again, I believe for the first time since the Eagles beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

In that Super Bowl that I still maintain, nobody who played on defense during that game should have got a ring. Should have got half a ring. And I hope the punters took some sort of selfie there, so we knew that they were at that game. What a fucking weird game that was. So anyway, plowing ahead here. I've been having a great time in New York, as I mentioned, and I just missed walking around New York, because it's starting to get a little edgy here, you know? All the people with money, everybody fucking left, or leaving or whatever.

So it's a little sketchy. Areas are a little sketchy, walk through Washington Square Park, something I would never do. When I first moved here, and then after a while, it became like fucking, you know, Mayberry. And then last night, we were there, we were walking through, me and my lovely wife, and a friend, and then it was just sort of weird sketchy shit going on. These people with some boxes that look like retail that they were opening and sort of throwing around, and it's like, what the fuck is going on there? It reminded me that old thing back in the day.

I ran into a comic roughly my age, right? And we were talking about all the old scams that they used to have, and there used to be this one scam back in the day where those empty boxes, they would find these empty VCR boxes, and they'd stick like a brick in there, and then they would tape them up. And then they'd go, hey, hey, hey, hey, you want to buy a VCR? You go, okay, John Goody, you hand you the box, you give money, you hand you the box, he takes off and you bring it all the way home and you open it up and there's a fucking brick in there. There's another one right now where somebody pulls up and asks you if you want to buy an iPhone.

So you go, okay, and then, you know, you hand him the money as he hands you the phone, and he's sitting in his car, right? And then you go, oh, what's the thing to unlock it? And the guy, let me unlock it for you. And then you hand it back to him and he just drives away. There's that one, there's another one, you have unprotected sex like an idiot, and then the fucking chick like a month later says she's pregnant, she wants to abort it, and she gets whatever the running cost of that, you pay her, she's not pregnant and she takes that money.

That's just what's going on out there, people. 2020 is a crazy time, just giving you, I don't think anybody's going to do the VCR scam anymore, but those other ones, those are the new ones, those are the phone one and the un-pregnant one. Yeah, but people do what they got to do, they do what they got to do. So I was walking down, I've been walking a lot in New York because for some stupid reason, I'm like, well, I don't want to get on the subway with COVID, I got to stay fucking healthy here. But then I'm walking down the street and like I said, people have their masks down talking and construction workers, you know those fucking guys, it's over there.

How hard they're working, they can't have that fucking thing over their face, I think, I would think, whatever, they're just all around each other, I don't know if they don't give a shit. So if you go into a deli during lunchtime, they all come walking in. But anyway, I'm still walking down the street and I was walking, okay, so I'm going down, I think I was on like Fifth Avenue or something in the 20s and I see this guy and he puts up his fist to fist bump me. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I wasn't really thinking and I'm like, I had my headphones on, listen to music, and I was like, oh, maybe he's seen my comedy or something, so as I'm reaching up to give him a fist bump,

I get closer and I realize that he has no fingers. He just has like a palm and he's holding up to show me that he has no fingers, so maybe I'll give him money. And now my fist is already up there to fist bump his bald up palm. And I had to kind of play that off. And then I saw this really tall chick with huge tits walking towards me and her tits were out. You know, big ass crack right down the front. And my first thought was, oh, it's got to be a dude. All right.

You know, if she was shorter, I would say that's a woman and those tits are fake. You know, because usually when a woman has huge tits, she's so sick of guys commenting on them and ogling them. She wears like nine sports bras and tries to get to work without something. Hey, nice fucking rat. Hey, tell your dad it's that day's work. You know, that dumb shit. But when they're walking around and they got them out, I always think they're either fake. And if they're tall, I think that it's a dude and she came by and it wasn't.

It was a woman. So that's what I learned about myself. A tall woman with her tits out. I immediately think that's that's a dude. I know what you're doing. You're trying to get me not to look at your face. So I see your strong jaw. I don't see your strong jaw.

Anyway, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm just babbling here. Just babbling here, killing time. All right, let's let's do some reads here for the week. Oh, look who it is, everybody. Helix, Helix. Not able to sleep because of work, stress. Helix sleep makes personalized mattresses made right here in the United States of America

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with the medical provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. See website for full details and safety information. Remember, that's for hymns.com slash burr, B-U-R-R-E-D, okay. Back to the podcast, baby. Back to the podcast, lady. All right, let's get into some of the reads here. All right, helicopter warfare in Vietnam. And did you mean like warfare?

It says W-A-R-E. What is warfare? Hey, old Billy Rednuts. I just wanted to recommend that you listen to episode 248 of Jocko Willink's podcast with John Stryker Meyer, where they discuss Operation Tailwind of the Vietnam War in great detail from the point of view of the soldiers who survived this operation. I'm already in. Helicopters were beginning to play huge roles in warfare strategy during the time

and were used to carry soldiers deep behind enemy lines during the Vietnam War. The soldiers, sorry, the stories they share are absolutely insane in this podcast. They talk about what it was like to fly with the pilots who would fly in and out of the jungle to rescue soldiers while being shot at. Yeah, there's a comic I know. Tom Rhodes, his dad flew a helicopter in Vietnam, and I smoked a cigar with him one time and he told me some absolutely insane stories. Anyway, and while the helicopter flying in front of them, okay, I told that Tom Rhodes

thing in the middle of a sentence. Let me back up here. They talk about what it was like to fly with pilots who would fly in and out of the jungle to rescue soldiers while being shot at and while the helicopters flying in front of them are getting shot down. Dude, the balls of that. Crazy stories about dealing with engine failure from enemy fire, handling auto rotations with a full load of wounded soldiers.

Yeah, you're probably loaded beyond what you could carry in some instances in surviving crash landings. I know you're a nerd when it comes to helicopters, guilty as charts. I know you would appreciate the skills of these military helicopter pilots even more than someone who knows nothing about helicopters. Warning though, some of the stories are very graphic. Hope you and your family are doing well in this new normal and go fuck yourself. Thank you, man.

I really appreciate that. That's amazing. I will definitely check that out. I actually ran to a guy that flew helicopters and I think he flew them in the Middle East. I was like, wow, that's cool. Now that you're out, you still fly or whatever, and he goes, nah, I kind of lost my thrill for it. Once you get shot at when you're up there, you kind of like being down here.

All right. And last week, I was talking about the Seahawks forever. I've been trying to find a picture of a Seahawk. I could never find one. And then I saw someone on Barstool Sports saying they're not a real animal. But then a bunch of people, including this person, reached out, said, Seahawks. And I'm talking about the Seattle Seahawks here, and now we're talking about the bird here.

Seahawks are another name for an osprey, O-S-P-R-E-Y. Let's find out how to say that. So the next time I'm at a cocktail party and they bring up NFL football, it could be the Seattle Seahawks. You know, that's actually just another name for an osprey. And then they'll go, OK, douche. All right. How do you say this?

Oh, wait. Osprey. Oh, osprey. It's an osprey. Seahawks are another name for osprey. Hey, Billy, hey, Billy Bird Boy. My apology if I'm the 30th bird nerd to email you what a seahawk is. Yeah, that's about right.

About 30 people. But heard you bitching about mascots on the September 28th podcast and needed to weigh in. Most of the times I'm not bitching. I just have that tone in my voice. And osprey is the bird that the Seattle Seahawks are named for. The Seattle Osprey. I can see why they chose Seahawks.

Seahawks, Seattle Seahawks, see, see. So you see, right? Seahawks are just the common name for them. They mainly hunt fish and have evolved for this purpose. I got to tell you, they're a good looking bird, especially for a hawk. They usually look like really pissed. This one just looks like, I don't know, annoyed, but kind of self-satisfied, maybe just eight. That's good to know.

Because there are a number of things, remember for the longest, because you couldn't look that shit up when you were a kid. Like, I remember when I was a kid and I was watching Len Bias, a great Len Bias, rest his soul when he was playing for Maryland and they were the Terrapins. And I was like, what the fuck is a Terrapin? You'd have to go all the way down to the goddamn library. You know, instead of just reaching down with your cancer-causing phone, which is right next to your balls and looking up, what is a Terrapin?

You know, and then you can just wait for someone to ask, what is a Terrapin after you just looked it up? It's a turtle. What are you a fucking moron? You didn't look it up with your thumb in your pocket, hmm? Sorry. Very dehydrated. I've been dehydrated.

I've been doing the elliptical all week, the elliptical. Forest cleaning. Dear Bill, sucks I have to say this, but this is not a political email. I don't care who the hell you or anyone votes for. Hey, there's somebody enlightened. Forest maintenance is a large part of fire prevention. I volunteered in high schools with the same attitude. This is pointless.

Why the fuck are we cleaning the forest? I just wanted to get outside to meet my required hours to graduate, so I did it anyways. I learned a lot and it definitely changed my perspective about what it means to maintain the parks and how important it is for a lot of different reasons. Dead brush is what causes fires to spread 10 times faster than it normally would. I understand that, but like in and around LA, they do that. There's always crews of people cutting that shit down, trying to do the best they can. These fires have always happened out here, so the fires are not out of the ordinary,

but like with the planet heating up, which the scientists tell me is happening, so I listened to them. We had the worst fires we've ever had. I understand that you need to do this stuff. I'll continue. It makes the fire really less rely less on the wind to spread. The dangerous cycles in California of extremely healthy conditions turning to dead and dry is the largest factor.

I felt it was because we had humidity this year. We're talking about we had all this humidity now. Weather has literally changed since I've been in fucking LA in 2007. It used to be a dry heat. You'd go outside and you felt like God had a magnifying glass between you and the sun and he was trying to burn the top of your head, but it wasn't like that east coast, humid fucking weather. Now we have that.

We have fucking mosquitoes and shit. It's really weird, although I did hear the mosquitoes came over on some freight liner from fucking, I don't know, somewhere in South Pacific. Who knows? Anyway, the majority of the fires started are manmade and within relative distance to manmade trails and campsites. I don't know. I was hearing that because the weather conditions, there was a lot of lightning that starts at

every fucking year. I know there was the gender neutral fucking of the general reveal thing. Anyway, it is the responsibility of the state to offset these manmade factors. I won't bullshit about power lines and translators, transistors cause, wait, I won't bullshit about power lines and transistors because I didn't have to deal with that. So I won't start blaming power companies. I guess what I'm saying is that we actually do need to clean our forests in a methodical way if we want to help slow the spread.

I agree with that, but we also should probably look to different cleaner energy, you know? I would go nuclear if you didn't have to bury that shit in the ground for fucking 9,000 years. We should embrace the sun and see how that works. I would go solar because no matter what we do, we're going to leave some sort of carbon footprint. So that one seems to be the least. Like I said, just take all the old blue bloods and say, hey, you can't do oil anymore, but now you own the sun.

So you still have us all by the balls, right? Isn't that great? Anyway, and you get all the money from the solar shit, okay? Is that okay? Can we do this now? Do you care about children anymore? All right. This obviously could never prevent them all, but when it comes to defending homes, it makes

a difference. Listen, I agree with all of that, okay? But that needs to be done. And then also, we need to find cleaner ways to live. We need to recite. Well, all this shit we need to do that we know we need to do and we've been put it off like a term paper, I think we should do. That is my point, okay?

I hope these electric cars help. I hope there's cleaner ways for airplanes to fly. I just hope all of that shit, we just sort of lessen the pollution that we're putting in there that from what the scientists are saying is heating up the planet and causing the normal California fires to be even crazier and I don't know. And if you're just sitting there going, well, I don't live in California, so I don't give a fuck. California is letting you know what is coming for the rest of the states eventually if we

keep doing what the fuck we're doing according to scientists. So I don't know. So I know people are going to be like, well, you know, I can find just as much scientific proof on the other side that suggests something completely different. It's just like, yeah, but the other day, you're not a scientist and neither am I. So I just choose to listen to the, you know, the accepted ones that the government tell me. Those are the ones telling me.

Anyway, maybe with global warming, that's like a political thing too. I don't know. Whatever. I'll just shut up. Why don't I just stick with comedy? All right. Cancel culture pussies of the 60s. Oh, this is interesting.

What's up, Billy Red Rocks? Under a blood red pubes there. I was watching an episode of the Twilight Zone that aired in the 1960s that made me think about modern day cancel culture. It was about the creepy looking dude who wanted various random people fired because he just knew they were communists. Yeah. That was the, uh, they were probably doing an episode on the red scare.

Um, you know, I would think that that's what the McCarthyism, anyway, this dude wanted these people canceled more than someone who didn't receive, wait, this dude wanted these people canceled more than someone who didn't receive direct eye contract from Ellen. Hey, look at that Ellen DeGeneres show. Uh, with absolutely no evidence, uh, it's sad, but I feel like if cancel culture existed 60 years ago, it will never go away. What are your thoughts? Um, I, I, it ebbs and flows.

They're always trying to get rid of people various ways, shame them, shoot them. Uh, you know, discredit them, slander them. There's always just all kinds of ways that they, yeah, they're always trying to do that. I would agree with that. But I think in the past though, it was people in power, um, we're trying to do it where now it's just sort of, I guess they do have a power with social media. Um, it's really a crazy time, but yeah, it's something human beings do anyway, let me finish reading this.

I'm glad to hear you've been staying safe and not buying into the sea breeze, preventing COVID bullshit. I've been working as a delivery driver throughout this entire pandemic. Congratulations. You kept your job, man. That's a big thing. Good for you. And listening to the Monday morning podcast and the bill Burt podcast gets me through

the day. If you come out to Minnesota anytime soon, I'll be sure to come out and support you from six feet away. Go fuck yourself. Well, that's great. I would love to go out to Minnesota. I'd love to be able to go back out on the road. I'm going to figure it out.

Right through it now. Cause the show would be outside and it is Minnesota. It's going to start getting cold and I'm not Carl Eller or Jim Marshall or all those great Vikings that used to play outside. Um, all right, here we go. Cruise ship stories, cruise ship stories. What's the deal? All right.

Cruise ship stories. Hey Bill, I'm your biggest fan from North Africa. Get out of here. That's great. I've been watching your specials and podcasts for years. I'm from Tunisia and I, you know, it's funny. I could do a show in Tunisia right now in front of the same amount of people I'm doing in New York city and I used to work on board cruise ships.

Luckily I quit before you became a dictator dictator and sunk my working place, sunk my working place, um, nine years of that shit. It's an absolute nightmare. I dealt with more complaints than Dr. Phil and Oprah combined, but some of the questions bro, um, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I get brain farts, sometimes I lose it here on my top five most ridiculous encounters I got while I am working on board a cruise ship. You're right. Those are the dumbest people.

You know what? People, this is a great new segment. If you want to like whatever you do, if you work in the public, give me a top five, whatever your vocation is dumbest things people said to you. And I know if somebody's a park ranger out there in, uh, Joshua tree, they got one question for me when I asked one of the park rangers, where is the Joshua tree? I thought there was just one. I didn't realize it was a species.

Um, all right. Number one, top five dumb questions answered asked on a cruise ship. Number one captain made an announcement saying that tomorrow at seven a.m. We will cross the equator line. Oh no. This guy wakes up at six a.m. takes his coffee pot and goes to the helipad and kept looking at the sky. Oh, he didn't even look into the water.

He looked into the sky, seven 15 a.m. came to seven 15 a.m. came. He came to me complaining that he didn't see the equator line. Therefore the captain misinformed him and demanded the compensation. I almost printed the Wikipedia page, but that shit would get me fired. Oh my God. I remember when I was a kid, I thought the equator, I just pictured as this, this big like almost like, uh, black rubber tubing that would have like a fiber optic wire going through.

That's how I pictured the equator, um, that I was also kid. Number two, during a gay charter cruise, one gay complained that too many gays are hitting on him and he wants to get off. We were in the middle of the ocean. Oh my God, I'm so hot. People won't leave me alone. God, get me off this boat. All right.

Number three. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. A bunch of guys who want to fuck other guys all on there and they're all guys. Can you imagine that? Guys will fuck anything. You stick them on a fucking boat and you in a, oh my God. Number three, second day during the, during, uh, the crossing from Australia to the youth,

to the U S this woman called me saying there is a penguin on her balcony. I said, madam, that's probably because that's probably a bird cause penguins don't fly. Oh boy. She started screaming. I know a penguin when I see one. So I sent security and it was just a seagull. That night she came after dinner asking what happened to the bird. So I tried to be funny and I said, uh, did you like your soup?

Oh God. She didn't appreciate my joke, but her husband started laughing and of course she asked for my boss and I got in trouble. Oh wow. What a douche. I mean, talk about it had not have any sense of humor. You thought it was a fucking penguin. You know, what do you say it was a seagull?

Was it an osprey? Number four, a woman came running saying she saw some black creatures with red eyes swimming around the ship. I said, uh, okay. Thanks for telling me. She started yelling, ain't you going to send security to shoot him? Oh boy. Jesus Christ, I'm fucking hallucinating.

Um, number five, uh, one poor bastard walked inside a sauna and found a dude blowing another dude. Oh, came to me saying he can't forget what he saw and I should give him a free drink package to help him get over it. He actually said package after seeing what he just saw. Um, I honestly felt for him. I told him I can't do that. I gave him a couple of bottles of wine after investigating, uh, we found out about those

gay dudes turned out one of them was married. I knew it. I knew it and traveling with his wife. That happens a lot. We asked what he was doing inside the sauna. He said, I was getting a foot massage from a stranger. Wow. And then he slowly moved up my leg.

Yeah. One time I, uh, I, I went to a gym here in New York and, uh, they wanted all of this fucking ID and all of this shit. And I was given what the fuck I got just made you give me the money, blah, blah, blah. I know what happened. Somebody I ended up talking to the guy and he said that the other day they had caught a married dude blowing, uh, a gay guy in the sauna and when he got caught, he freaked out and he's, and his wife was out working out.

And he said, please don't tell my wife. And he, I said, did you? He said, yeah, I had to. I was thinking like, well, you didn't have to, but it's, I can't, you have to though because he's taking these risks and they're probably having unprotected sex. You know, this guy's out and about, I mean, if he was banging a woman, you know, you'd have to do the same thing. I don't know.

It's crazy. It's crazy. Crazy world. Uh, I can write a book about this shit, man. You should. Anyway, well, I hope, uh, you, you don't back down your voice. You're the voice of the voiceless in this pussyfied world we live in. Now I'm not, I know I'm not every, most people talk the way I fucking talk, um, they just

don't do it on TV. Uh, one more thing, Bill, don't accept that dude's invitation to Saudi Arabia. You say the wrong thing about women, religions are kings or king. You're a goner. Uh, we can't afford to lose one of the last two comedians who don't give a flying fuck about triggered folks. That's you and Dave Chappelle. Wow.

Anytime I get lumped in with the great Dave Chappelle, that's great. Peace and love. Well, thank you. Um, thank you for my one fan out there in Tunisia. Um, all right. Men suck too. Oh, here we go. Finally, the ladies writing it.

Hey, Bill. Oh, there might be a gate there. Who knows? Hey, Bill, love the podcast. Hope you and your family are doing great. I'm a lady listener and I've been putting together this email for a while. Oh, see, see women are smarter. Guys are just being, uh, follow me and suck, just send it off.

She, she's fucking, you know, like a paralegal here. Here we go. Several months ago, I was listening to one of your old podcasts where you encourage women to write in bashing men in order to even it out. Yeah. Cool. So since then I've been writing things down that I notice about men that I think are annoying or funny.

Oh, this is great. The list is below. Thanks for the laughs. And as always go fuck yourself. Okay. This is another great one. All right. Ladies, if you want to write in this shit, this is great.

And if you have a fucking job, we deal with the public. I want to hear your top five dumbest things people said to you. All right. And, um, the way men turn insecurity into anger, guilty is charged here example. He fucked up his parking job and is embarrassed. So now he has to rant about how cities never make parking spots big enough for trucks. Oh fuck. That is totally me.

Except you said truck. I mean, I got an old truck, but yeah, I bitch about my car. Because of the cameras and shit. Uh, you know, it is embarrassing because I used to be really good at parking. I used to be really, I used to be great at backing up. I don't know what it is. I cannot use the backup camera. I don't understand it.

I can't tell if those yellow lines are my tires or represent the side. I think it's the side of the car. I have no fucking idea. And I always flip out. All right. We have to call erectile dysfunction ED cause men can't bear to hear the actual words. We don't call yeast infections. Why eyes?

That's fucking hilarious, but not to get technical. Just cause you have a yeast infection. Your pussy still works. Right. E D, um, erectile dysfunction. You always say women enjoy hooking up too. I want to set the record straight. A woman hooking up with a guy is like a group of friends deciding to go to Times Square

for New Year's. It seems like it'll be a fun, crazy night, but it's really boring and disappointing. And you feel pressured to act like you're enjoying yourself the whole time. Um, well, then I don't know. That one, I just feel bad for you. I never just had like a fucking, you know, connection sexually with somebody that didn't lead to a relationship. So you just lay there going, Oh, wow.

We, um, that just made me sad. The other two are funny. Okay. Well, then I wouldn't, you don't sound like some people are like relationship people. So then don't do that. I mean, I'm basically a relationship person. I'm just scared of them. All right.

Going camping. Okay. So I think they become dictators of the campsite, have to prove to everyone they know how to start a fire and set up a tent. Yeah, I would see that you got to, that's, that's some guy shit. Um, yeah, cause what if, what if a bear comes, you know, if a bear comes, I now have to put that you behind me, like somehow I can fight off a bear. What I'm really hoping is, is I, I got an extra couple extra pounds on me.

So when he finishes me off, he's full and we'll leave you alone. Not getting out of the left lane when there's a line of cars behind them because they can't take the fact that there are people who want to go faster than them. Is this all the same guy? This guy sucks in bed. He's a cunt at the campground. I hate those fucking people. I hate those people.

My only thing I don't like on the highway is if you fucking drive 90 miles an hour and pass me on the right. If I see you coming up on me, I get the fuck out of the way. The younger me used to try and speed up and stay in front of you and break check and do stupid shit like that. But now I just, Hey, you know, it's like you need to get somewhere. Good on you. You're going to meet the cops sooner than I do.

So they'll be writing you a ticket so they won't care that I'm only doing 75. All right. A lot of men consider it a compliment to tell a girl she's cool enough to hang with, to hang with the guys like, Oh fuck, really? I'm in. Oh my God. If you say that, that's hilarious. But it is a compliment.

You know, it is a compliment, but that's the exact, and you're both right. The man is right. It is a compliment. You know, you can actually hang out with you. You're fucking cool. That is a rare thing. But the fact that you would think to say, Oh fuck, really am I in? That's why you're cool.

Because if you said that every guy there would start laughing because that's all we do to each other is what you're doing there is you're breaking balls, which I don't know about you guys. The way I'm wired, like that is the most endearing thing somebody can do is come up and just start making fun of me. You know, obviously if you're doing it like for my hateful place, I don't enjoy that. It hurts my feelings. But if you just trash me, like all this shit, right?

Billy Redballs, all of that fucking, oh, this guy likes what I do. All right. Guys act like they're just so much less dramatic than girls, but they just sweep their interpersonal problems under the rug and it's slowly, and slowly let it erode the friendships while also talking shit to their other friends. Oh yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You know what?

If you were on the family feud right now, I don't even, like whatever you just did, one, two, three, four, five, I think you nailed the top five or six or whatever. You didn't get answer number 10 yet. You're crushing these. The way that men don't like, don't know, oh, the way that men don't know what's bothering them. Personally speaking, I know what's bothering me. I just don't want to tell you because then you're going to be like, well, let's talk

about it. And then I have to face my feelings. Video games. Oh, I 100% agree with that. I got it. I really have issues with people in their thirties and forties that are still playing video games. And they got like a headset and all of that dumb shit.

I don't know. I don't, I don't, I left those. Wait a minute. No, no, it's not true. I played Grand Theft Auto in my thirties, Grand Theft Auto 3. Whenever the fuck that came out, I played that so much that I literally, I've told this before, I just one day I was like, I have to stop and I went and I unplugged everything that could be unplugged off my PlayStation 2 and just put it in the back of my closet

because I knew that I'd never be able to figure out how to plug it back in again because um, oh, this is funny. I actually got that PlayStation 2 from a buddy of mine who was really like this woman and he bought her a bunch of nice shit and all she got him was like a fucking hoodie and he got so mad he took her gifts back and one of them was this PlayStation 2 so that he sold it to me for like a hundred bucks. So I didn't have the instructions and what was funny was like a few months later I ran into the woman that he liked and she was just like, you know, you have my PlayStation

2, right? I was like, fuck you're talking about, she told me the story. Anyways, men love mentioning how long it's been since they cried. Dude, I don't even remember the last time I cried. Uh, yeah, that's a bad thing. That's what actually kills men, um, because we deny a arguably the biggest healing emotion there is. You got to do it.

You got to let it out. Yeah, guilty of that too. I don't know who this woman is, but I'd say, you know, she knows guys pretty good learning to play the guitar a little and then telling people they play guitar, skateboarding, uh, pressing dick against ass in club. You'd have to have a dick to understand that. Uh, they get those, why a guy would do that? If you had a dick, you'd be doing the same thing.

They get those tires that are too big for their truck. Um, oh, the ones that stick out. Yeah. Those guys that are intentionally, uh, those guys that intentionally make their cars louder. What's that about? Who's that for? Um, that's for people who love cars. I mean, there's certain people that just want to do it.

I mean, you don't think it sounds cool. I think it sounds cool motorcycles. It's so you hear them because a lot of times you can't see him. It's so you don't hit him. But um, I don't know. I understand. Like the one, I like the muscle car sound like a ballsy truck sound, but I don't like those, uh, those ones that they put on the Hondas and stuff that are that high-pitched

sounds like a lawnmower. I don't understand those, um, or they sound like muted. I don't know. All right. Breaking shit while drunk, uh, don't know how to buy gifts. I'm guilty of that. They think women can't tell when they're fake laughing or fake interested. Uh, they make up 99% of people.

Oh, they make up 99% of people who call into sports talk radio. Uh, what the Patriots need to do is, oh my God, I fucking hate those shows. Uh, tribal tattoos. I want to say, uh, tribal tattoos went out in the nineties, didn't they? That's what I picture when I think of tribal tattoos. Well, I don't know who you are, man, but you fucking crushed it. I was guilty of at least 80% of that, um, other than video games and skateboarding. I think I was guilty of all of that.

Um, okay. That's the podcast. Everybody go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday, you know, try your hardest to put the mask all the way on your face. Just try if you can. But anyway, as always, shout out to everybody fucking helping people who are too dumb at this point with all the information out there to avoid the disease.

However, if you're in a fucking city like New York, I get it. Cause even if you're being smart, cause I feel like I'm being smart out here, but like, you know, I don't know the way fucking people is fucking guy. I was just getting a, a chicken shawarma wrap and he was just fucking up on me. It's just, he's wearing a mask too, but it's like, dude, they got it fucking painted right there. Stand there. I stand here.

Same fucking guy is going to be bitching. Yeah. God, I mean, it's just, 2020, the stupid fucking memes that people send out, those gifts, whatever the fuck you call them, where it's like 2019, 2020, and it's like there's a bird sitting on the thing and then they show a bird shitting on your head. And it's like, dude, you're the bird shitting on other people's fuck. I don't know if that's the right analogy. You know what I mean?

Go fuck yourselves.