Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-6-14

Episode Date: October 6, 2014

Bill rambles about Wyoming, pork chops and modern day aviation.

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Because I don't know how to write a joke. So what I have to do is I have to scream my ideas. I have to use the F word right and left and left and right, you know, and then make silly faces. I was actually up in San Francisco if you're going to San Francisco. I'm going to put some flowers in your hair. Yeah, and some change in your pockets for the fucking 9000 homeless people they have up there. Jesus Christ just inundated with them. You know what's great? It was towards the end of the month and two great things.

Wait, that doesn't make sense. The beginning of the month was back when you wouldn't see the homeless people in San Francisco because they actually gave them a stipend, which was, you know, a little bit of money so they could get them off the fucking streets, you know, like these fucking people know how to handle money. They knew how to handle money. They wouldn't have been homeless. Hey, this guy sucks at math. I know. Let's give him an algebra book. All right, see you, fella. Good luck with that. We're not going to teach you on any level.

That's not even true. That's even worse. That example doesn't even make sense. That wasn't the correct example because if somebody sucks with money and you just give them money, you know, if somebody sucks at math, you give them an algebra book they could actually learn about math. How do you just give somebody some math? Give them a bag of numbers. Whatever. You know what I'm trying to say. All right, and even if you don't, I don't know that you don't because you can't call into this show.

All right, the phone lines, the non-existent phone lines cannot light up. Trying to write down Alabama so I don't forget to talk about them this week. Alabama! The dream ended this weekend. Anyway, so I was up there in San Francisco and I was working Davies Symphony Hall and I had a great time. And you know, my favorite part of the fucking weekend was Jay Lawhead, Jason Lawhead, Rose Bowl, Tailgate Legend, Jason Lawhead. Before he's going to bring me out, he's like, he's like, what do you want? I should turn on the fucking air conditioning. Can you hear that stupid thing rattling? I try to tell her, you know, you try to tell your wife you don't want something and what are they fucking doing anyways?

Because they think that they know, I know what's good for them. I know what's good for them. Hang on, I gotta shut this fucking thing off. All right, I'm back. I'm fucking believable. I swear to God, you know, for all that bitch moaning and complaining they do on all those fucking yap-yapping shows there, you know. I know, what's better than one woman running her yap? Let's get three others and have them all sit around with their shoes. You know, yap-yap-yapping about all the fucking shit that's going on. Are those shows, by the way, the view, the talk and all those, are those like women's versions of like a guy watching those stupid pregame NFL shows?

You know, rather than four broads, you got fucking four meathead guys in their suits. You know, it's a bubble screen. Ron Gruden says fucking bubble screen. One more goddamn time this fucking week. I got it. It's a bubble screen. There's a screen and there's a bubble and he's got an option and they're gonna fucking have the linemen go this way and see what they do is they think it's a run. Okay, then he has this option over here. If he wants to, he can throw it back against the field and let's go over here. If he doesn't, he can keep the fucking ball and he can try to run it.

But the key is the quarterback has to understand when to make a decision to either release the ball or to hold on to it. I'll tell you what, when you start doing something like that, that's when good things will be happening in the National Football League. Um, so just all of that dumb shit that I just fucking said that I don't need to know. I don't need to know any of that. I don't need to know what a fucking bubble screen is to watch a goddamn game. It's a hot read. It's a hot read. It comes up on the line. It's a fucking hot. Is it a hot read? It's a hot read. What can it just be? He goes up to the line and if he sees something, yeah, let's fucking do it.

And if he doesn't, let's just stick with the play. It's a hot read on a bubble screen in a cover two. Tango, Sierra, Alpha. Um, anyway, so I'm up there in San Francisco and for once. Every, I was up there Friday, say, and Sunday and it was beautiful weather every single day. 85 degrees, 80 degrees, global warming at its finest. Right. This is how miserable the fucking weather is in San Francisco. They, um, most places don't have air conditioning because they don't fucking need it.

They're in California and they don't need air conditioning. All right. Why don't you wrap your little fucking podcasting listening brain around that? All right. Um, actually, when you think about it, California goes pretty much almost the entire coast. But the west coast of the continental United States, the lower 48 anyways. So I guess at some point, right, you got to be as far north as like Wyoming. I know they get snow, but I know people in Wyoming got to have fucking air conditioning. Does anybody in Wyoming listen to this?

You out there right now on a horse just sitting there staring at cattle. Trying to figure out what's out there that keeps killing one of your cows every fucking eight days. Sitting there arguing with your buddies. Look at the bite mark. Look at the bite marks there. I ain't no fucking coyote. Coyote can't kill a fucking coy, dumb son of a bitch. You know where you get that from?

You get that from your mother. I knew she was fucking dumb the moment I looked down at her boots. All right. But her tits were hanging out. My favorite song was on the jukebox. So I said, fuck it. I ain't got nothing in the back of my truck. I'll lay her down there, stick my course light on her forehead, and I'll tell you what.

I'm going to put her right in there. The next thing you know, she starts calling me up on my CB. Come in there, good buddy. My stomach's getting bigger and I ain't been eating shit. I think I'm pregnant. And I'm like, why ain't this a son of a bitch? All right. Unless Jesus is coming back again as a baby, it must be mine.

So here you are. Here you are. Half a fucking stupid telling me that a goddamn coyote killed this fucking coyote. Now I'll tell you one more time that it was a pack of wolves. And if you keep having that dumb look on your face, I swear to fucking God, I must shoot you on my own goddamn property. Is that understood? I'll quit you crying just like your mother if you're out there in Wyoming.

All right. Yeah, I know you got air conditioning. You might not have teeth, but I know you have air conditioning. I'm sorry. Why do I keep doing this? You know what's funny about Wyoming? A lot of it is fucking rich people who've gone out there and bought property like Ted fucking turner. Like Ted turner.

I think can ride his horse from the border of the United States and Mexico and ride his fucking horse all the way up to Canada. At least that's his goal without ever not being on his own property. You know, and like most driven men at any point, does he even think about the fucking horse that does not want to walk, gallop, or trot? All the things that horses do shit in public. It doesn't want to do it. It doesn't want to do that. It never wanted you on its back to begin with. Why the fuck would it want you on its back?

Jesus Christ, you're Ted turner. You can't afford a robot horse with your jeopardy mustache. Haven't said all that great investment. I gotta tell you that Ted turner, you know, when it comes to money, he understands it. You know, it'd be great if Ted turner just walked up to a homeless guy and rather than explain money to him, just started yelling at him about money, dressing him down. You know, like a head coach. Pissed off at his fucking starting quarterback who's making a bunch of mistakes, right? And his job is like right on the bubble.

You know, if you just came walking up to the homeless guy, throws a fucking clipboard down on his feet after he sees the guy buy some fucking heroin with a bunch of nickels. I don't fucking, I don't got any to me to yell again. All right, I'm sorry. Just set up a total comedy scenario and now I'm bailing. All right. I'm fucking rolling right out of it. You know what? I can't do a Ted turner.

I even know what he sounds like. I just, when I picture him, I picture Norm McDonald when he used to imitate that guy who used to hold the pen and run for president. Bob Dole. I'm Bob Dole. That's how he picture Ted turn it talking. Ted turn it talking. A new talk show. He's so fucking rich.

He doesn't have any guests. All right. So anyways, I go up to San Francisco. And the weather's beautiful. And, you know, I got some family and friends up there. We fucking hang out. What do we do? What do we do Friday night?

Oh, went out to this unbelievable Italian restaurant. And I actually have been craving a pork chop for a while. For years. Actually, I'm not going to lie to you. I got, I got a great pork chop. Why is that word sound so annoying? Pork chop. At this restaurant out here in LA.

And it was so fucking unbelievably good. All right, so unbelievably fucking that I came back like 10 days later going, I got to get this pork chop again. Pork chops and applesauce. Gee Alice, that's swell, right? Pretty much, pretty much reference there. More chops and applesauce. Gee Alice, that's swell.

And I fucking, I went back and they had taken it off the menu. And then I ordered something else and it sucked. In fact, everything sucked. The offense sucked. The defense sucked. We sucked. The whole fucking, the whole meal stunk. So I went years just thinking about this fucking pork chop.

Waiting for the right fucking restaurant with the right level of quality of food that if I was on a goddamn menu, I was going to order it. There's not a lot of plates, not a lot of nice restaurants will serve you a fucking pork chop. You know, your choices are usually, you know, steak, some sort of chicken, fish, maybe lamb. All right, they might do a pulled pork. They might do a pig ear fucking sandwich, a brisket or whatever, but to try to get somebody to get them to make a fucking pork chop.

All right. The way that your mother never did, because who's kidding who? Who's kidding who? Moms do not know how to cook pork chops. All right. They just take, as my dad would say, Christ, you cook the shit out of it. Right. They cook the shit out of it, which is very easy to do with pork.

I don't know why. But it's very easy for that thing to taste like one of the fucking tiles that's on the floor of your kitchen. Um, so anyways, I went to this restaurant, this Italian restaurant that had homemade fucking pasta, one of my favorites. And I saw that pork chop and I said, fuck that pasta. All right there, Luigi, you tell Clemenza in the kitchen, I don't need his fucking pasta. All right.

I want, I want a fucking pork chop. So I ordered this pork chop. I got a side of pasta. The pasta was fucking outstanding. And I know like most times, most shows like Anthony Bourdain would tell you what fucking restaurant he went to. I don't do that. You know why?

Because I want to be able to go back there without standing in any sort of a fucking line. So why don't you go to San Francisco and figure it out for yourself? That would be my cooking show. Do you like how arrogant I am? Anthony Bourdain has this huge fucking millions and millions of fans watching his show. I just got, you know, I got a couple thousand fans listening to this fucking thing and I want to make sure I cannot guys, I can't say the names of things on my podcast.

The, the, the crush of people that will be showing up to get a fucking pork chop. And goddamn. Oh my God. Are you kidding me? Oh my God. Are you kidding me? Oh my God. All right.

I thought the fucking, I just thought this whole fucking thing just shut off. And when I set it back down, I'm doing this right as I woke up. Do you know how many times that's happened to me? Like I go to restart it and then I fucking riff for 20 minutes and I look in the fucking recorders off and I'm like, Oh my God. Just like I just said, Oh my, are you fucking kidding? I got to do it all over again. I had that really funny character from Wyoming.

I'll never be able to recreate it. All right. Good. I just fucking panicked. And you know what? That brings me to a fucking unbelievable story that I got to talk about later. Let me finish with the pork chop. Then I'll do a little bit of advertising.

All right. That's your second course. All right. And the dessert will be my little fucking story about panicking that will not be enjoyable to listen to. It absolutely terrified me. All right. So I ordered this fucking pork chop.

Absolutely delicious. Absolutely fucking delicious. You know, and, um, what was I talking about? Yeah. And I'm not going to tell you where I got it. Not only would I never tell you if I know, I can't even remember the name of it. So now I'm fucked. I don't know who gives a shit.

You heard me try to remember the name of the fucking X man. That's a goddamn, zillion dollar movie. I'm going to remember the name of a restaurant. The fuck was it called? It was a number in it. I remember that Jesus Christ. This is when the cops would just put away their little fucking, you know, that little pad that they write on.

They probably have an iPad now. Can you describe what he looked like? I don't know. I want you to go fucking look at the security footage. We're in the middle of nowhere. Well, fucking call up the drone company. I'm sure they were watching something. I heard weirdos jerking off to the top of my head.

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That's evoice.com slash bill. All right. Let's get back to the fucking podcast. All right. Where the hell are we? Oh yeah. So I go up to San Francisco and I got this great pork chop and smoked a cigar at the top of one of those goddamn hills and called it a night.

Oh my God. I almost forgot about the fucking steam room. I got to tell you about the fucking steam room. I got to make sure I remember to tell you that. All right. So let's just get to the show. So I go over to Davey Symphony Hall. Beautiful venue.

A bunch of people showed up. And so before I go out on stage or whatever, before we're starting the show, Jason Lawhead goes, hey Bill, he's like, what do you want me to say about you? And I was like, you know, I'm gonna see him on Netflix, Letterman. And he goes, you want me to hype the new special? And I said, yeah, if you don't mind doing that, he said, absolutely. When's it come out? What's it called?

I said, it comes out December 5th on Netflix and it's called I'm sorry you feel that way. And he goes, okay, all right, cool. And then five minutes later he goes, hey, what's your special called? Again, I keep thinking, why do I do this? What's it called? I'm sorry you feel this way. He goes, okay, I got it. I got it.

And I looked at him. I go, Jay, he's like, what? I go, you're gonna fuck this up. And he goes, no, I'm not. I'm a professional. And he laughs and he leaves. So he goes out and he does this thing. He gets to his closing bit.

It crushes, right? And I'm like, okay, you know, I'm in the bubble. I'm getting ready to get brought out. So I'm ready to get brought out. And I'm waiting for him, you know, to do his little fighting out of the red corner. He stands at five foot 10. He can't get a 10. He's got freckles on his ass.

He is the raiding, right? But he doesn't do that. He just starts talking. He finishes fucking act like he always does. He kills like he always does. He's supposed to fucking bring me up. And instead of bringing me up, he starts yammering all in on. Going, you know, it's been great out here to be here in San Francisco.

Beautiful weather today. You know, me and Bill were out there sampling some of the local fare, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he just starts just not telling jokes, not really telling a story. Just sort of vaguely describing the day. Yeah, it was about 82 degrees out there, barometric pressure. And I'm sitting there going, what the fuck is this guy doing? And then he just goes, all right, you guys ready for the man? He came to see, you know, you know, he's got a special coming out on Netflix.

And then he just looks over at me and he goes, ah, he's like, I can't remember what it's called. And then I fucking died laughing, died laughing because then I realized what he was doing. He wasn't even talking to the crowd. He was just saying English words that they'd understand as in his brain. He was going, what the fuck is it called? So I went out there and for five minutes just trashed him for saying sampling some of the local fare. And looking back, I should have trashed the crowd for not immediately heckling him for saying fucking sampling some of the local fare. What the fuck does that mean?

Do you realize what a creepy, a creepy fucking expression that is sampling the local fare? Anybody who just blew into town could be talking about anything from getting something to eat to being a fucking serial rapist. I was sampling some of the local fare, you know, that's something like Hannibal Lecter would say if he fucking took a bite out of your neck. So anyways, so I went out there and tried a bunch of new shit and it seemed to work. And then we did, it was just, it was just a perfect show, man. That first show was just awesome, right? Not saying the second one wasn't, but I had such a funny moment during the show where I'm in the middle of my act and the giants, you know, they're in the playoffs, playoffs. And I'm in the middle of one of my jokes and I have no idea what's going on in the game.

And all of a sudden this guy just yells out in the upper deck. He just goes, who do I, giants? And the crowd just fucking erupts into cheers. So I immediately do the math. I'm like San Francisco giants. It's fucking October. That's right. I've been watching some of the, but it's the playoffs.

And I was like, all right, I can't get mad at that. I can't get mad at that. You're giants fans. You want to be watching the games, but you fucking bought tickets to my show. So, you know, you're going to do a little multitask in there. So I said, all right, two to one. And I was like, what inning is it? And the crowd starts yelling, you know, when a bunch of people are yelling and you're standing up on stage, the sound bounces off the wall behind you.

And it can be very hard to understand what people are saying. So I was like, what is it? And they're like, hey, hey, hey. I'm like, what? What? Hey, hey, hey. And I go, I go, I can't hear you. And they go, hey, hey.

And I'm going 80, like 80. Come on. What? Just fucking hold up your fingers and they kept yelling out and it sounded like they were saying eight. I go, you know what? It sounds like you're saying 18. What inning? Just one person.

One person was holding up seven fingers. So I was like the seventh and they were like 18. That's what it kept sounding like. It keeps sounding like you're saying the 18th, a minute, 90 excruciating seconds of this until I find out they were actually saying 18. It was the fucking 18th inning. The national scored a run in like the third fucking inning to go up one to nothing. And then the Giants scored one in the top of the ninth to tie it up or the bottom of the ninth or top of the ninth. That's right.

It was in Washington to tie it at one to one. And then they didn't score again until the fucking top of the 18th and neither did the nationals. The nationals went 15 fucking innings without scoring a run. The Giants played a whole nother baseball game before they scored another fucking run. And, uh, unfucking believable. And you know what? If that happened in the middle of July, you'd want to kill yourself. But if it happens in October, it's unbelievable.

You know, for as much shit as people give me as a hockey fan, why do you watch the regular season? It doesn't even count. Everybody makes it. But like for fucking teams, it's like, yeah, but there's exciting games. They're allowed to fight. Okay. There's great things that can happen. You know, baseball on the other fucking hand, other than the beginning in April, we're excited because it's a new season.

Other than that, I mean, it's just, it's fucking brutal until you get to October. And I would put baseball playoffs right up playoffs. I put it up there with any other fucking playoffs. Um, I actually, well, I love October baseball. Um, it's, this is the best time of fucking year. October, uh, playoff baseball, National Football League, the National Football League has been going on long enough where you're starting to know who's going to be competitive and who isn't. And then hockey's coming up. And then right after that basketball, it's unfucking believable.

It's unbelievable. My life is perfect. Um, and I actually watched that first, um, Cardinals Dodgers game. I didn't see game two. I watched game one and I was, I am 100% convinced that Donnie baseball is cursed. I mean, they had their race. What's the guy, Kershaw? I don't even know.

I don't even watch baseball. I have no fucking idea. I just keep hearing about this guy that he's basically having like a season better than Pedro Martinez in like 1999. I'm like, I got to watch this guy. And, uh, I start watching the game and I know the Dodgers have this, that unbelievable right fielder. He's like fucking Willie Mays on steroids, not literally steroids, but you know, people are just bigger now. And, uh, so he gets drilled in the fucking arm when he's up there. And I guess the Cardinals were doing that shit last year.

So all of a sudden the next guy comes up their first baseman who's like my height. He gets in the face of fucking some guy named Benji. I don't know anybody's name anymore. They start fucking screaming at each other. And, uh, I was, I was totally hooked. I was into it. The fucking Dodgers were up six to two going into the seventh or eighth fucking inning. All right.

I think Clayton Kershaw is the name of the pitcher. I have no fucking idea. But now they all have beards and all that crazy shit. They all stole it from the Red Sox who stole it from the homeless guys, right? And, uh, you know, they got their fucking ace. Guys got, uh, was it six to one or six to two? He's got a full run fucking lead. God damn game is over.

All of a sudden he loads up the bases. There's a single six to three. There's another single six to four. Donnie baseball comes walking out like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? And the little bearded wonder goes, Hey, I may not be able to grow a man's beard, but I know how to get out of this fucking inning. All right. I'm only at 100 pitches.

I won the Cy Young Award. I want every fucking award you can win as a goddamn pitcher. I got this Donnie and Donnie baseball makes the right choice. That's the fucking Lutley. This is the move to make. We got to win game one. We got to do it on your arm. Right.

Fucking comes up. There's other fucking dude who owns him. This is the worst fucking sports coverage ever. I don't know anybody's name. He fucking hits a goddamn double that just clears the bases. Three run score. Six to five, six to six. Now it's six to seven.

They're down by a fucking run and they got a man on second. Now Donnie baseball comes out, pulls this fucking kid, brings in this fucking Paluka. He comes in, serves up a fucking meatball. Into left center field. Into the track. Unbelievable. All right.

That's got to be the St. Louis fucking announcer. They scored two more runs. It is now nine to six. They started the inning six to two. Up four fucking runs with the greatest pitcher of the last 15 fucking years. By the end of the inning, they are down by three runs. How does that happen?

You know how bad I'm rooting for the Dodgers to win? There's so many teams that I love this year. Kansas City, you got to love that they're back in it. The Baltimore Orioles, you got to love that they're back in it. You know? Don Mattingly, you got to want that guy to win a fucking, you know, win a ring and then he got the Giants. I mean, you know, they've just won two.

I mean, I like seeing a fucking dynasty. Whatever the fuck they would be called. It's great, right? Just a lot of fucking teams to root for. And then that sitting there suggesting that maybe the Cardinals are stealing signs from second base and that they have a reputation for doing that. And once I found out that's not illegal,

it's like I fucking love these guys. Even if it was illegal, that's the kind of cheating that you got to respect. You know, if you can look over at your fucking neighbor's paper and they're smarter than you are, you know, are you really cheating or are you just delegating power? Um, anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So I watched that whole game beside myself.

I just can't fucking believe it. And the thing about Don Mattingly is such a class act and he just sits there expressionless and you know it's just ripping his fucking heart out. I want to see that guy get a ring, so goddamn bad. If he doesn't, I would love to see either the Royals or the Orioles because when I first started watching playoff baseball, it was always the Royals would always win the West

and they could not get past the Yankees. Um, and then there was, when did they, oh they finally got by him in 1980 and then lost to the Phillies with Pete Rose at first base dribbling the ball up to the pitcher on the fucking Astro Turf. And, um, and the Orioles, I, let's see, I saw them win it in 83

in the first World Series, well the third World Series that I watched, 1979. The Orioles versus the Pirates. So I was hoping the Pirates were going to win their one game playoff and maybe I could have a rematch in 1979 and then they'd bring it back. We are family, woo-hoo, hi-hoo. Um, sorry.

Anyways, uh, so I watched that shit, so I'm rooting for, uh, Donnie Baseball. So anyway, so I'm watching that shit, then I go out and I go do my show, smoke a cigar, and one of the greatest things you can do after you smoke a cigar is besides take a fucking shower and gargle with mouthwash for an hour, you're still going to wake up with that taste

in the back of your throat. So if you have access to a steam shower, you go down and you take a steam and you fucking sweat out all the impurities and, um, and then you're good to go. You go out, you fucking jump at a cold shower. A lot of people don't know how to take a fucking steam. You know, they fucking go into the steam,

sweat their fucking nuts off, and then they walk out and they stand there. Oh, God, it's out of shit. And they just stand there and then they fucking go back in and then they come back out and then they go, I got one more session in me and they fucking go back in again. Morons, fucking morons.

All right. This is how you take a steam. You just stay in there for like 10 minutes. That's all you need. And as you're in there for 10 minutes, be wiping the fucking sweat off of you. Your body is, is when you sweat, it's releasing toxins.

Your skin is like a sponge. If you let it sit there on you, okay, you're going to fucking reabsorb some of it. As you're sitting there in the fucking steam shower, these fucking guys do that. Then you're supposed to walk out of the steam shower and immediately walk in and take an ice cold shower immediately.

So your pores stay closed and you wash off as much of the fucking toxins that you sweat it out as possible. And you will feel like a fucking million bucks. All right. All you need to do is just be in the ice cold water for like, you know, whatever, five, six seconds. How long it takes you to fucking hose off your body?

And then you can turn it onto acceptable temperature. And then you're good to go. And you always wear flip-flops. So you don't get fucking planters, warts, or athletes' foot or any other fucking awful bacteria that's in the goddamn, you know, thing there, right? So anyways, the fucking... What was I going to say?

So if we fucking go there, there's... I walk in, I'm with Lawhead, and I walk in to see if there's anybody in the steam shower and I walk and there's the sauna, which is just the dry heat. And I look in there and there is this Asian dude completely fucking naked. Okay.

He had the decency to put his arm in front of his junk as I walked by, kind of like Bert Reynolds when he did the fucking... the Playgirl... whatever the Playgirl centerfold or whatever the fuck he did. So I'm like, oh God, a naked Asian. A nasian.

We got a nasian in there, Lawhead. And he's like, and we just sit... I mean, he's sitting there butt-ass naked on the fucking seat that someone else has to sit on. It's fucking unbelievable. So me and Lawhead, you know, I was walking in to make sure that the steam was on. So then we fucking come walking back in

and as we walk back in, the naked Asian, the nasian there is... had gone into the shower. He knew to take the cold shower and he just comes walking out completely fucking naked. All right? So I'm laughing. There's always the fucking naked guy.

All right? So then I... I opened the sauna and I... No, no, no, no, I fucked up. As we go... That's right. Then we go back to the lock as we change. Now we're walking back in

and we're laughing about the naked Asian dude. And right as we go to turn the fucking corner to go into the sauna, like the fucking Truman Show, four people walk in front of us and go right into the sauna. There's this little fucking... I mean, the steam room.

It's this little ass fucking steam room. And they all fucking go in there and I'm thinking, ah, man, maybe there'll be enough room. And I open the door and they're all just fucking sitting there. It's just a nice guy, a packed house, whatever. These guys will just be in here for 10 minutes. So me and Lawhead go back and we're just sitting there

and we're laughing about the naked Asian dude, right? Long story short, these fucking jerks are in this goddamn steam room and they're doing that shit where they're coming out so fucking hot and then drinking water, letting it all reabsorb. And they're just going back in.

They're in there for like a fucking half hour. So finally me and Lawhead are like, fuck. We got to go and... You know, we want to go watch the football. What the fuck are we going to do? You know, what are our options? You got all fucking 20 sweaty ball guys in there or we go in with the nation in the sauna.

So we say, well, the naked Asian guy had left, at least we thought he did. So then we go into the sauna and who comes fucking walking back? The naked Asian. But now he's got a fucking towel on. Now he sits down, me and Jay are fucking wearing towels.

Thank God, generally speaking, they come from a polite culture, so he leaves his towel on. So I'm thinking, all right, we're good here. We're fucking good here. And I'm sitting there and the sauna isn't hot enough so the door hasn't clouded up.

So we're just sitting there. We can see right out the door. And all of a sudden this other naked guy, completely fucking naked, comes walking out of the fucking esteemed thing, just butt ass naked and is standing there like fucking Will Ferrell in old school at the water fountain,

bending over, getting a goddamn drink. And me and Jay are just laughing our asses off, staring down at the floor going, what the fuck is going on? And then the naked Asian guy crosses his fucking legs and starts cracking his toes in the ungodly silence in this fucking sauna as this fucking Will Ferrell ass is in front of us.

We're just like, I can't fucking believe, right? So then we're sitting there and we got this, like I said, the window isn't fogged up. Then this fucking World War II vet comes walking by, completely fucking naked. You know, the greatest generation, they never put a towel on. He comes fucking walking by,

all man balls and dick and everything. And at this point we're just fucking, there's nothing to do to just start laughing. And another guy comes walking and he has a robe on, another tub of shit and he goes into the steam and finally we're like, look, we just don't fucking walk in there.

We're never going to be able to take a steam. And I fucking hate a sauna. I don't like the dry heat. I like the other thing. So we finally come walking in there. All right? And as I walk in, I see a place where I can sit down. This is all fogged up.

And I see out of the corner of my eye, there's someone else sitting there, no towel on, dick and balls hanging out. So I go to shoot the guy a dirty look and who is it? It's the naked Asian. I thought he left, he didn't. He left, got in the shower,

and then fucking went back in there. Fucking nightmares. And then we're sitting in there. All right? The Will Ferrell naked dude. Two fat fucks in the naked Asian and me and Jay Lawhead are sitting in there, right? And the football guys,

now they're running their yaps, totally killing any sort of relaxing, just sort of chilling out. It means relax as you can be with fucking, you know, naked guys all around you. And they're sitting there, you know, former athletes

talking about sports and some sort of benefit that they would do it. Oh man, Arizona was unbelievable. It was just hookers everywhere, people drinking, blah, blah, blah, blah. Kids, guys telling the story. It was some sort of benefit for kids.

And in the end, he goes, you know, but it's all about the kids. It's all about the kids. Fucking jerk off starts the story talking about hookers. Anyways, long story short. It finally ends up just being the two of us in there

and we're just laughing our covered balls off. I've never seen, I've never seen it like that ever. Look, like if you go to any sort of fucking gym, any sort of locker room, there's going to be the naked guy. The guy just standing there, right? And for you ladies out there,

you'd probably think that, well, it's got to be the well endowed guy showing off his fucking goddamn mule, right? It usually isn't. It's usually just fucking some average guy, regular old fucking user friendly dick just standing there, you know? Like the kind of package that they always make

when they're like sculptors make, you know? They never make like a fucking huge dick statue. They don't. They just draw a regular old dick. That's what it usually is. And there's usually one of them. And you just sit there going, ah, there's always one.

Why the fuck? Does he fucking not notice? He's the only fucking naked dude in here? For Christ's sake, cover yourself, right? But there's always that one guy. Unless you go to the YMCA. Then there's usually about three because there's older people there.

I never seen a fucking dick and ball display like this in my life. I'm fucking believable. We were joking. We were waiting for what's his face. Uncle Milti to come walking in. Um, anyways, so that's the dick and ball story. So plowing ahead here.

Oh, I actually said that I was going to tell you a fucking, a goddamn creepy story here. Um, and I got to wrap this podcast up because I got, you know, well, Billy's got a day job now. Tell you what, I'll read the rest of the advertising and then I'll tell you this fucking terrifying story that I read while on a plane. All right.

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I don't know, minutes here. So anyways, the shows went great in San Francisco and San Francisco and we're flying back and my wife bought Vanity Fair, I think. I don't know. It's the magazine where Robert Downey Jr.

is on the cover and it looks like he's leaning out of the porthole of a ship dressed in a tuxedo. It makes you think, are they remaking the Titanic? It's one of those photos. So, she says, hey, you oughta, you know, she knows I'm a fan, obviously,

guy's unbelievable fucking actor and she goes, hey, this is a great article, you oughta read it. So, I'm looking in the table of contents, you know, it's one of those magazines, you gotta go buy 50 pages of advertising, advertisements before, you know, you get to the actual story

and so I, the table of contents, so I found the table of contents and there was this story about this flight that was flying from Brazil to Paris, France and it was talking about technology and how this thing just basically fell out of the fucking sky

because the pilots, it was the perfect storm of not communicating, getting confused, a malfunction in the system and these guys not being able to recover. It was, you know what the malfunction was? Basically, they were flying out and the captain, he'd only got in an hour's sleep and he wanted to go take a nap.

They had some thunderstorms or whatever, a line of storm clouds coming up. They were flying at 36,000 feet and this guy wanted to climb up to 38 which is basically the ceiling that that plane could fly at safely because at that point the air is going to be too thin and I would assume that the engine has to work too hard

to suck in the air, suck, squeeze, bang, blow, whatever the fuck they say, how a jet engine works and they said that the guy sounded nervous and it was this weird thing where the guy had like the co-pilot had like over 2,500 hours which is a significant amount of time flying a fucking this type of an airplane but most of it was just sitting there

while it was on autopilot and this was kind of the point of the article where I'll just through the whole timeline of aviation back in the day you just had stick and rudder guys and they just flew the fucking thing and then gradually they worked in these automated systems and the pilots were arguing against them saying there's nothing better than a thinking human being

and then these automated systems got so good that the basically accidents and everything went through the floor and it became way safer to fly and the automated systems took over but now they've gotten to the point where I don't know if they're saying that they can actually be dangerous so basically what happened was the captain

went to go take a nap and then this other guy goes and he sits down and there was a miscommunication as to who the pilot in command was or who was in command or whatever and they don't even have sticks anymore up there they have like a joystick that you move and then the system interprets the movement

like not instantly it has to have that split second where it interprets it and then it acts on whatever movement you did and the joysticks can't move at the same time like say if both people in both seats up there if one was to move the joystick to the right and the other was to move it all the way to the left what the computer would do would split the difference on the movement

and I don't know it just basically all that happened was they went into this storm and the air was cold enough where the water droplets had formed into ice crystals and it blocked their pedotube the pedotube is on all aircraft

it's just a tube that points towards the front of the aircraft and as you fly as the air is coming in that's how you figure out your airspeed so what happened was they flew through this ice ice went into the pedotube it froze it up so the air couldn't go in anymore

so they no longer could they lost their airspeed indicator so they immediately lost that alright and they had the lights on in the cabinet they're out over the ocean they must have been they must have not been any moonlight or anything so basically they couldn't see

a horizon alright but all they had to do was just look at that little plane thing that just lets you know if you're level or not and for some reason when they lost their airspeed indicator they then lost all faith in the entire fucking system and the nervous Nelly guy

who wanted to climb you know above the storm plate he wanted to fly at the absolute height his immediate instinct was he started pulling the moving the joystick back and if you lose all faith in your instruments

and you don't have any horizon to look at you don't know where the fuck you're at and this dude was panicking so he pulled the stick back too far and it got to the point where they were gonna stall and I forget it's such a long fucking article and it's really involved

so they start the other guy starts going no what are you doing what are you doing do this do this and he starts moving his thing and then the computer is going dual input meaning that they're both moving the fucking thing

so they start going up and down and basically the fucking nervous Nelly he pulls it all the way back and they start feeling that the airplane starts rocking and that's that point where you're gonna stall because

at that point the airfoil is is so far back you're gonna lose lift and if the air is just tumbling over the it's like all of a sudden now you might as well have a fucking two pieces of plywood like flying into the fucking wind so they start losing altitude

so they see that they're losing altitude they're basically starting to fall out of the fucking sky and what kills me is in part of this as they started to drop they started to basically fall out of the fucking sky and not recognizing the sound

of basically as the air is rolling over the fucking wind over the wings there that they were starting they were gonna stall they were so in their head looking at the fucking screens going what the fuck this thing's going haywire where are we they panicked

and this fucking guy kept pulling back he pulled back the fucking joystick so far they almost got to a 46 degree angle they said it was so far back that the computer didn't even recognize that as an input that would be possible because no one would do it

so it stopped saying stall that thing that's you know or pull up pull up it's not wouldn't say pull up there it stopped warning that they were gonna stall so then it got quiet and they're literally just falling out of the fucking sky they were falling at like like 10,000 feet per minute

at one point okay so do the fucking math at like 36,000 feet up they're falling 10th you got three minutes before you're gonna hit the deck right so these fucking guys the one guy goes no level the nose level the nose so he goes to level it off

from 46 degrees to start bringing it back down to something that the computer could actually understand and as he brings it down again it starts going stall stall stall so he pulled back again so it would stop saying that shit and then they're calling the captain and the captain finally goes up there and now he's come in in the middle

of this fucking crisis he doesn't know what's going on he at no point was informed that the pedo tube was frozen and at this point they had lost so much altitude that they were down into warmer air in it and then unfroze and it was the airspeed indicator

was actually fucking working but they had no faith in it and these guys were basically falling out of the fucking sky and this is the scariest thing when they get to 12,000 feet that was the last moment that they had where they could

have just pushed the joystick forward and started to dive and that they would at the speed that they were falling that they would have had enough time to try to restart those engines and fucking pull back up again you know and basically buzz the surface of the fucking water

and they kept falling they were falling at 1.15,000 feet per minute and the whole thing they just basically pancake into the ocean in a perfectly good airplane because the

pedo tubes froze and because they panicked and because I guess most of their hours is just sitting there letting something else fly the fucking plane I'd never heard of this story I believe it's in Vanity Fair I can't believe I just said all this shit

and I can't even tell you and of course I'm reading this on a flight and I remember at the end of my flight this babyface looking dude gets out babyface to me I'm 46 he looked like

he wasn't even 30 and you know he's doing this simple flight San Francisco to LA but whatever we're flying commercial airline we're flying all the way up there but it was during the day so that was one thing that was actually keeping me calm I'm like even if the

pedo tubes were to freeze up this guy can still see the horizon but anyways man it was absolutely terrifying and they were writing the dialogue or the shit that they were saying and every input that they would like describe what the plane was doing what they should have done and then

they would write out the dialogue of what they did and what they said and I'm telling you my fucking heart was in my throat so for someone who flies all the fucking time you know that wasn't a very fun article to be reading shit I gotta end this fucking podcast I didn't even get into any of the questions

for this week really really quickly the Patriots came back against the Bengals and I know a lot of people are now gonna go all the way to the other side they're gonna win the Super Bowl I don't think the Patriots were the team that lost to the chiefs and I don't think they

were necessarily that team last night I think they're somewhere in the middle I'm hoping they're more towards the team that beat the Bengals but I think we got a couple more brutal losses in us you saw what happened when Rivas went down and I hate to say it but he gets injured a lot the second he got injured they fucking scored

and goddamn 2-3 plays but you know what's amazing about Dorel Rivas and the fact that he's on our fucking team and that I'm actually cheering for that guy who I couldn't I always respected but I hate him because he was a jet he's only 29 years old I had no idea

he seems like he's been in the league forever and he also looks like he's like 37 alright let's uh let's plow ahead in the Jets Jesus Christ J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets they're in a fucking bad way man they are in a bad goddamn way I watched the Cowboys Texans

which was a great game I saw a little bit of the Bills game big win for them how about the Cleveland Browns coming back and also the Saints a lot of great games those one o'clock games were fucking insane this week but I gotta plow ahead here let me just read some of your questions

and then I'll get out of here Aussie with an idea Bill how about you shoot your next special in Australia you draw huge crowds here and when was the last time someone shot a special down here um you know what I did this last one down south I kind of like

taping in a different place I don't know how to fuck what kind of cameras do you guys have over there do you guys make movies over there do you wait for us to make them for you that would be my big question do you have the latest in fucking the technology because then maybe you know maybe I would

nah I wouldn't hey Bill why don't you get on a plane and fly 14 hours and have jet lag and then do your fucking special I'm not gonna do that I will definitely be touring your country though we're looking at January um alright car dear billy oil rag I want to get an old

car and learn to fix it every time I ask someone what make and model year I should buy they give me horrible answers can you please narrow it down to two or three cars from the late 60s to the early mid 70s that would be a great car to work on I know there are a ton of answers just looking

for a place to start I have a little experience with parts and repair but not a lot that's why I want to dive right in and learn thanks well look you want to call you want to you I would ask Christopher Titus he could give you that

answer but I would tell you what I would do if I was you alright what I would do is I would buy an old fucking engine alright I would buy that fucking thing that you did whatever that engine mount thing is that you can have not engine mount that thing we can just have it on

a rotisserie alright and I would take that entire fucking thing apart and rebuild that engine alright I might even do that a couple of fucking times just so I got it down so that that's how

I would learn don't go out and go buy a whole new a whole fucking car just go buy a fucking engine just take the you know what would you do you'd remove the carburetor then you got the intake manifold then you got the valve covers then you got the valves

take all of that shit off then you down to your fucking your pistons right I'm not go with the electrical or anything like that but you go all the way you know camshaft all the way down to the crankshaft and if you just start over even if you just put the thing back to fucking

gather with the old shit although probably you'll probably have a problem trying to get some of the shit off you might break something but I would just do that and I would buy if you could buy a four cylinder I'd look at it the same way I learned how to tune drums you start with your smallest

drum that had the fewest amount of lug so it was easier to tune because you couldn't make that many mistakes so I would actually if I if you can't buy an old four cylinder engine at a junkyard I would buy an old six cylinder then you only have six cylinders you got to worry about or you could just buy the eight cylinder

and then you got to do everything eight fucking times and you're going to be that much better at it and I think once you fucking tear down an engine and then just build the thing back up even if you did a couple two three times um I mean I think that that's the way to go two three times just buy an old engine

buy the whole fucking kit on how to replace everything go through the hell of fucking getting it apart and shit being stuck and frozen and all goop together get that whole fucking thing torn apart and then rebuild the thing make all your fucking mistakes

and then do it again and then do it again and then do it again and then do it again and then go out and buy the fucking car you want to buy you know I mean dude you can buy an old piece of shit fucking engine for a couple hundred bucks and then go buy what I forget

how much the I was going to do this if I ever had fucking time in my life I think that that's the way to go about doing it rather than buying a whole goddamn car that's going to have all kinds of other fucking problems if you just learn how to do basically the heart of the goddamn engine I really feel like all of a sudden

the rest of the car is not going to be nearly as intimidating maybe the transmission could get a little a little scary but that's another thing too go out buy a fucking transmission take it apart rebuild it put it back together do it again do it again do it again

sorry the batteries just crapped out on me there now I'm fucking late and I got to get going here so yeah that's what I would do if you want to learn how to you know how to fix up a car I mean that's that's basic what I would do maybe if you know

people who are into cars gear heads out there if you know a better way to go about it which I'm sure you do but that's basic what I would do but if you are going to buy a car man I don't know I would maybe what are those cars that always had the slant six and everybody says like the greatest engine

and the easiest thing to work on you know everything's like right in a row all the splat plugs all of that stuff is like right there um I would work with dodge darts I think usually had those the lower level models I don't know I'm not I don't know cars to that level

but uh that is on mom you know I would like to do that at some point just take apart a whole engine and then rebuild it and put it back together even if I didn't put it in something just sell it or something and give it to somebody else because I think that's cool as hell to know

how to do something like that if I just had the fucking time in my life and speaking of time I don't have any time here so I got to uh I got to jump off here uh thanks to everybody listening to the podcast and uh thanks to everybody in San Francisco it was ridiculous the amount of people that showed up um I had a great time

and I appreciate you guys listening to the new material as I'm working it out as I have a new special as I mentioned before coming out on Netflix December 5th called I'm sorry you feel that way and um oh by the way my new comedy album

vinyl live at Andrew's house is available for purchase on my website and for those of you who would like to donate to this podcast an easy way to do it is if you're going to buy something on Amazon just swing by billburr.com first click

on the podcast page click on the link I know it's a bit of a pain in the ass do it if you want to if you don't I get it and it takes you right to Amazon and I'll get credit for the driving traffic there it won't cost you any extra money and whatever you buy they give me like a percentage of uh whatever that's basically how it works

alright that's it uh that's the podcast go fuck yourselves I will talk to you next week I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't