Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-7-13

Episode Date: October 8, 2013

Bill rambles about Twinkie nunchucks, happy stewardesses and how to order pizza

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, October 7th, 2013. October? We're all the way into the fall here. It is officially October. It's the month of pink. Yes, it is. Are you aware that cancer is in somebody's boobs? Hey, I actually think they weren't wearing the pink stuff as much. I didn't think it was, or maybe I'm just used to it. Is that what it is? I have no idea. I have no fucking idea. All I know is I watched some football yesterday. And first of all, who's kidding who? Who is kidding who? I'll tell you who's kidding who. I'm kidding myself when I say this next thing. Let's go Red Sox. Here we go. Team that I haven't watched all fucking year. Boom, boom. I've watched two Red Sox games this whole year. Game one and game two of the playoffs. Hey, like what's his face says in the Warriors? I've been busy. Alright, I was too fucking busy to watch him. That isn't the truth. The truth of the matter is one of my favorite players tested positive for some substance in 2010. And at that point I was like, you know what, I'm going to give baseball a fucking rest here. Okay. I'm sick of feeling like a fucking eight year old, not even an eight year old, a four year old. Who's who's, you know, and then they won the championship and they lived happily ever after. And I go to bed with my little broken smile because my young two faces are starting to fall out. And I get a quarter under my pillow and I believe that everybody did it in an honest fucking way. And then three, four years later, ESPN comes out with yet another guy, another fresh face white dude, you know, with a little habidash on or maybe a former player.

Maybe a former player comes out and then they they they fucking let me know that everything that I thought was wasn't everything that I thought is isn't and that I'm just a dumb freckled cunt. And I just, I got, I got sick of it. So, so I haven't been watching. I mean, I kind of, you know, was watching as they dismantled Terry left town, Theo Epstein, he's over out there in Chicago. And I watched the gradual the whole thing disintegrate, but I do, you know, it's funny. I was actually texting another buddy of mine, like, oh, hey, I go, you've been watching the Red Sox at all. And he goes, yeah, yeah, I've been watching him. And I openly, openly admitted I was like, dude, I'm beyond fucking bandwagon this year. And he laughed. And he goes, so am I. Yeah, we both live out fucking on the West Coast now. And we were watching the game. And he was literally saying like, he was thinking shit like, Hey, you know, that Asian guy we got is really good. Neither one of us do his name. Our relief pitcher who I can't even say his lights out because I've watched 18 innings. Some of it with the sound down. And I don't even know the name of our clothes. I just know that he's Asian and he's been killing it. So, oh my God, you're going to see it. If the Red Sox win the World Series and I go out and get the hat, because you know, you got to go out and get the hat.

Right. Put your arms around other fans and we'll go down together and you act like you've been there. Well, I'm here to admit. Right. You know what I'm doing right now? I'm doing that thing when somebody fucks up in a game. And afterwards when the reporters come to the locker room, rather than let the reporters say how bad you sucked, you just own up to it. I didn't get it done today, you know, but I take full responsibility. I let my teammates down. I let down my mom, my high school coaches. You know, if everybody hates me, I'm going to let you know I hate myself even more than you hate me. Okay. I suck. Look at me. I'm pointing right at my face. I suck. Okay. So you don't need to write it. That's what I'm doing before you guys call me out for being old Billy bandwagon. I'm letting you know I am. All right. Bruins. I'm on board from day one, although I haven't watched a second of it yet, but I take the fucking games over there. I was on the road. All right. I've been busy, but fucking busy. I went this week. I went El Paso to San Jose.

Then I went up to Seattle and then I went down to Phoenix, Arizona, another great fucking week, but it was airport, airport, airport, airport, airport. Is that what it was? No, I drove to El Paso. That was a good time. You know, the old me would have gone in a straight shot. 12 hours. I got this. I'll leave at 10 in the fucking morning, get there at 10 at night, have myself a fucking quesadilla. And I would just go into bed, but I'm fucking old now. I got right around Tucson and I was like, I'm tired. My ass hurts. And I got a fucking hotel and I got to tell you it was great. It was great. I drove for like eight hours. That's what I did. I drove for eight hours. And, and then the next day I woke up and I drove basically from Tucson to El Paso and it was fucking, it was awesome. And going through the badlands of New Mexico with his just fucking nothing out there. You know, it's funny, somebody sent me on Twitter was saying, you know, I hope Bill doesn't have a beautiful drive out to El Paso, so I don't have to hear about it. And that fucking made me laugh. So goddamn hard, just because of what is behind that, like how miserable was your fucking childhood that you don't want to hear somebody say that they had a great time and that this is a beautiful country.

Like you'd much rather have me go out there and be like just fucking nothing out there, you know, bunch of fucking, fucking Indian reservations, you know, we should just kill the rest of them, right? And put up a fucking sports bar, you know, fucking moron. That's, but you know what, but he's younger. I think he was young, younger, judging by his avatar. You like that? I picked up that little word of technology, avatar. See, I fucking week ago, I just thought it was a movie where shit floated around you. And there was these blue people was like, it was Smurf porn, right? If you straight, like it was Smurf porn. That's what that fucking movie was Smurf porn combined with the way that guy drew those pictures on good times when they pretended Jimmy Walker painted them. Remember that they'd have a dude dunking a basketball and his arm would be like extra long. It's combined both of those schools. I feel, you know, and at the end of the day, I don't remember a fucking second of that movie. I just remembered somebody had, I just remember the, didn't everybody have like hair like every cornerback in the NFL, except it was blue.

I don't know how fucking they had the same body types of that dude who goes right from high school into the NBA. You know, not quite a boy, not quite a man body and your fucking six, 10. Am I thinking of the right fucking move? Anyways, judging by this kid's avatar, he was, he was, you know, young, he was in his 20s. So your 20s is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you're running to. You're not, you don't realize that you're doing it. At least this is how my life went. Now granted, if you had, if you had a wonderful childhood, if there was no conflict, I mean, what is a wonderful childhood? What is a wonderful childhood? Whatever, if you had one where people, there's no way to, there's no way to not fuck up your kid.

What it really is, is you're trying to fuck it up the least, the least amount that you can. You're trying to send your kid out into the world with the least amount of fucking issues. So I don't know, I guess that they, they could be happy. And then also that you don't have to be sitting in the back of a courtroom and complete denial that, you know, your kid fucked a dog. No, I just think it's going to come. Let's see, present the evidence. I think, you know, yes, there was dog hair in his pubes, but that doesn't mean anything. No, it doesn't. It's circumstantial. Maybe that's what it is. So whatever. So I didn't get upset by that guy.

I mean, how my life went was in my 20s, my early 20s, I was like this fucking like really quiet, got along with everybody. And all of a sudden out of nowhere, like my anger would flare up like that fake volcano in front of that fucking casino out there in the desert. What is it? Treasure Island. Right. And then people would be like, what the fuck is that as they looked for their eyebrows. And then I didn't know how to apologize and that would be the end of the relationship. And late 20s sort of came to the surface 30s brutal came out of the 30s. Right before I hit the ground, I started to pull it up a little bit.

Now I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm a fucking mess, everybody. I really am. I don't know why you're listening to this other than maybe it makes you feel better about yourself. I don't fucking know. Or maybe you just hate your job. Do you guys watch any football yesterday? Great games, some great games and some not so great games. I'll tell you if you guys tape the Patriots Bengals game, if you are a fan of ugly, ugly, ugly, turn away from the TV football. That was an ugly one. And I don't know. I don't know. This is going to be, I have to watch the rest of the game because I was so fucking exhausted. I only got two hours sleep. So I watched, I watched right up until the third quarter when it went off the rail.

So I still have to watch the rest of the game when it starts raining and all that type of shit. But it was just neither team could score a fucking point. A bunch of goddamn field goals. And the Patriots lost, but whatever. What are you going to do? I mean, I thought at this point we'd be fucking two and three. Four and one, I'll take it. But I don't know. I don't know what to think about anybody at this point. You're looking at the goddamn Cowboys Broncos game and all you fucking big buckled, big stupid hat, fucking facelift, Botox, overly made up cunts in Dallas. If you fucking jump on Tony Romo after that game, you're a fucking moron. How many points does the guy have to score to win a goddamn game?

Fucking put up 48 points against the Broncos. 48 fucking points. And then the enemy throws an interception. Same old Tony. That's the same old Tony. Right there. I swear to God. He's like a ranch hand I used to have. He could brand shit. He'd brand 800 cattle in a fucking row and then he'd drop it on his foot. Wouldn't get that last one. I mean, you don't get that last one or what the fuck you do the whole herd for. You ain't going to do the whole fucking herd. I'll fucking do it myself then. That bullshit. Maybe not with that fucking accent. But listen, man, the guy scored 48 fucking points in his goddamn defense.

Put him in a situation where now he had to go out and score better than 51 just to get a goddamn victory. So yeah, you got to sling it. And that dude who picked it up was laid out. It was an incredible interception. All right. So, hey, I'm fucking sticking with Tony OVE. And then you got the Broncos who they're doing that Miami Dolphin Dan Marino thing right now. They're just outscoring people. They're letting up a lot of fucking points. They're letting up a lot of points and I'll tell you as a fan of NFL football, what I have seen in the past is if you score a zillion points during the regular season and you let up half a zillion points, you lose in the playoffs.

Because you end up running into fucking amazing defenses that win games 20 to 17. When you run into that fucking team, all right, and they slow the whole fucking thing down, you know, slow down the other offense and that type of shit, then you're done. If they have any sort of running game and then they keep your fucking guy off the field, all of a sudden you're sitting there with your pockets turned inside out, going, where's my proverbial football wallet there? Jesus, Bill. She's got diarrhea pouring out of your mouth this week, don't you? Talking all kinds of shit. Yeah, so I don't even know. I don't even know where the Broncos are. I don't know who's shot. I don't know who's not. Then you have Seattle. We are the loudest, right? They fucking go in and they got beat by the goddamn Colts. And last week, you're fucking that dude from the Texans who, according to Paul Verzi, I was talking to him this morning,

he's thrown a pick six four weeks in a row. If he doesn't throw a pick six, that's two games they lost on the road and that's a knock against that team. They're saying that they're not good on the road. Jesus Christ. This is shaping up to be a very interesting football season. And you know why that is? Because they have a hard cap. So everybody's in it. You hear that baseball? NBA basketball? I haven't even watched baseball. I don't even know if it's working or not. Anyway, so there you go. So there's my sports talk for the week. Hey, ladies. Anybody out there left? Any ladies left? I went on the road this week with Joe Bartnick, Rose Bowl tailgate legend, the godfather of our fucking tailgate. If anybody's getting his ring kissed on that wonderful fucking New Year's Day, it's Joey B. I gotta tell you something. That fucking guy made me laugh. I just think that guy kills me. If you get a chance to see Joe Bartnick do stand up.

I don't know how to describe it. Just watching a crowd figure out who the fuck he is. It takes him about two and a half, three minutes, and then they're on board and they're going on the ride. And I don't know how to tell you what the fuck he was. He went, we were walking through Seattle and he started talking about homeless people. He had me fucking die and laugh. And I'm like, you got to do that tonight. And he tried it out when we were at the beautiful pageant theater in Seattle. And by the way, we both walking around talking about how much we love that fucking city, man. That is an underrated Seattle, Washington, especially if it's if it's sunny out. Sonny, thank you for the shit you took last night. The fuck am I talking about? You know what's crazy about Seattle? Every time I fly in, first of all, usually it's raining and I'm freaking out that we're going to crash.

But this time it was sunny and we were flying out over whatever the Puget Sound, whatever the hell it is. And I had the window seat and I looked down and I've been meaning to find this fucking house. You ever go and you land you're coming in for a landing and you're looking down over these neighborhoods and it just looks like, you know, the little houses all made out of ticky tack, that bullshit. And then every once in a while you fly over one of those Illuminati neighborhoods and it could even be your home state. And it just so because the winds are different, they just flew over a different area that day and you look down like you're going, what the fuck are those houses? Is that a school or is that a house? What is that? And it was one of those deals. We were coming in, I feel like a different way than usual.

And I had the window seat and I looked out and what I saw, it can't be described as a mansion. What's the next size up from a mansion? Like a villa? Is that the word you use? You know what it looked like? You guys ever see that movie The Dirty Dozen with Lee Movin and Charles Bronson? Do you remember when all those Nazi officers were in that, that they were in France and they were in that day, you know, because they were occupying France and they took over the whole fucking country and so they were in that giant looking like castle type thing. They had all these rooms and these, that's what this thing looked like. And we're flying over the thing and it was surrounded by these beautiful tall trees all around the house. And then on three sides of it, it looked like three manicured fairways in the shape of like football fields.

Absolutely fucking immaculate. And it was right on this like peninsula and there was water around it and then you had to walk like a hundred yards. You had to walk like fucking look, it looked like 200 feet of woods from the house and then a hundred yard football field. And then right on the edge of the water was one of the coolest looking in ground pools I've ever seen in my life. Like you'd have to take a fucking tram from the house to get to the pool. And I don't know, I'm going to try and find it. I don't know how to tweet it or something like that. I don't want to tweet somebody's fucking house, but I don't know who lives there,

but if there is people that meet every day to decide whether it rains or not, that guy who lives there or that lady, they are at that meeting casting their vote. Because I don't know, I've never seen a fucking house like that in my life. So anyway, so we go into Seattle and as usual, and this is the last time I'm doing it, I went down to that stupid fucking fisherman's wharf there where they show him throwing the fish. And as I was walking there, this is the first time I'm walking there. I was like, why am I going down here? This is such a touristy thing to do. You know, the food's going to suck and it's going to be overpriced.

And that's exactly what the fuck happened. You know, I got like some crab burger, Bartnick got his burger, his burger was cold, mine was all right, and I'm like, of course, nobody from Seattle goes down here to see a bunch of asshole tourists buying Seattle magnets and sweatshirts. Where the fuck did they go? And I forgot to ask. I don't know. So anyway, so I had a shit sandwich with a side of fries there. So then I went out, I did the show at the Paramount Theater and it was crazy. Like the theater was one of these deals where like you, I don't know, just the way it was set up,

like you said the joke and there was like half a second pause. And then then you'd hear the laughter coming back to the stage. So kind of fucked up my timing at first and everything went great. And in the end, somebody finally yelled Seattle and I kind of brought up the fact that I had sung We Are The Loudest or whatever. I got booed a little bit, but they were cool about it. And I don't know, it was just, it was an awesome show. And then I found out that Dave Chappelle was in town right around the corner. So me and Bartnick, like two little schoolgirls, literally ran over to where he was performing

and got to watch the last 10 minutes of his set, which of course his last 10 minutes crushed anything that I've ever written in my entire career. You know, it was a nice, it was a, what do you call it? I'm not eye-opener, whatever. Just, you know, the second you think like, Hey, I think I'm getting a handle of this. Oh, wait a minute. I still suck. Okay, cool. So it was an awesome night. And then we went to this fucking bar. Chappelle was over at the Moore Theater, which is the one where Eddie Vedda and Pearl Jam made that one where he was in the dirty shorts, right?

And he dropped down into the crowd after he stared at him for an uncomfortably long time. So we went to this bar right around the corner and it just seemed shady the second we walked in. And according to Bartnick, the bouncers said it. When we walked in after he checked Bartnick's ID, he said, good luck. So I proceed to drink way more than I should have. And you know, the end of the night comes and I'm hungry. So I go up to the front desk and I'm like, yeah, you guys still have room, Sarah? And I'm like, no, there's fucking drunk leprechaun. Here's a pizza menu.

Get away from the front desk. You're scaring the ladies. So I vaguely remember this. I went upstairs and I'm trying to order a pizza and something in my back of my head goes, you shouldn't be like this is this hour. So I call him up and they were like, thank you for calling Gina's pizza. Can you hold please? And you know, can you hold please? They don't wait for a response. They immediately put you on hold. So they should just say, hey, welcome to fucking Freddy's pizza. I'm putting you on hold, but they don't. Welcome to Tony's pizza. Can you hold please? And they put me on hold. So I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there and I think I actually passed out for a second and I woke up and I was still on hold.

Or I think I passed out with my eyes open like one of those things. I just started thinking about shit and I forgot what I was doing and I was just like, why is one of my ears hotter than the other? Oh, I'm on hold. And I was like, ah, fucking, let me call back. So I call back again. Hey, welcome to Gina's pizza. Can you hold please? Put me on fucking hold again. And as I was like, no, no, I just want a little bit and they already had me on hold. So I sat there for another fucking couple of minutes. My ears getting hot again. So I hang up and I don't really remember what I said, but I called them back and as they're going, hey, welcome to Tony's pizza. I just start dropping f-bombs. You know, fucking, fucking send me a fucking hold you fucking ass.

So I just went on a fucking beat fucking. I remember I said, fuck, like 58 times. And the guy on the other end goes, hey, buddy, buddy, you need to relax. And I just kept, I was like, it was like I was Philip bustering with Tourette's. And I plowed right through that fucking fuck. He just hung up on me and then went over the bed, probably passed out face down, you know, in the pillow, breathing in carbon dioxide for the rest of the night and woke up with a brutal, brutal hangover as I had to fly to Phoenix the next day. And I had one of those ridiculously smiling, like a fucking maniac. Stewardess is like, I don't know what happened. Like, you know, she's still putting on all this makeup to the point she looked like some crazy clown. And she was just like, hey, how are you today?

You know, like adding syllables to fucking one syllable words day. And it was just kind of like, can I get you a drink this morning? Just fucking like, you can see it. Her life was almost over the hill of hope. And she was just going to go, she's just pulling back the throttle and she's going to go as positive as she possibly can, hoping if she puts this fucking energy out there, something loving is going to come back to her. It was one of the most uncomfortable fucking flights I've ever had and I was hung over. And the more I was coming at her with my negative energy, like, can you fucking stop smiling at me? All right, I just need some water, right, to get rid of the throbbing in my head.

It made her pull back on the stick even more to the point I think she went into a stall. I don't know. It was one of those deals. It probably, I'm sure she was completely normal. And it was just the fact that I was so goddamn drunk that are so hung over that her extra bubbly personality was coming across that way. I don't know. As always, as always, I was probably in the wrong, but I'm too immature to admit it. So with that, that's the beginning of the podcast. By the way, you are listening to the Monday morning podcast. If you just happened to walk by somebody's earbuds, I do one of these every single week.

And if you're probably sitting there going, hey, how do I support this podcast? How can I have help out this freckled cunt? How can I do it? This real cunt? How can I not say fuck him and everything that he does? Well, this is what you can do. You can go to the podcast page. You can click on the pod. Yeah, you go to billbird.com.

You click on the podcast page and over on the right, there's a banner for Amazon.com. And if you are thinking of buying anything, if you just go to Amazon through my site, you click on it, you go to Amazon, everything still costs the same. And I get credit for driving traffic to their site. They give me a little skim off the top. I take the skim, put it in my pocket, take a little bit of the skim out, give it to the wounded warriors project. So you're helping me and you're helping the troops and you're helping America. Or you can always also download one of my specials, if you'd like, or buy the hard copy DVD version of it off of the merch page. That's a wonderful thing to do.

It makes a great gift. It makes a great gift Christmas coming up for someone you really don't give a shit about. You just want to spend 20 bucks. There you go, you fuck. Laugh it up, cunt. I'll see you next Christmas. All right. And it makes a great gift, I think, at this point for a hipster.

Because I know that they've moved on to cassette tapes. They're somewhere in like cassette tapes right now. So eventually DVDs are going to be cool again because it's not a Blu-ray. And you can sell it to them in a couple of years and then they can go off on their fucking bicycle. It's 10 feet in the fucking air for no, no parent reason. All right. Dollar Shlave Shlave Dollar Shave Club everybody. This is blowing up.

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So you can't even hear the traffic around you. Anyways, there's a lot of things that irritate me. Overly positive stewardesses when I have a hangover. When there are so many things that can irritate you, why would you want to add razors to the list? That doesn't make any sense. What do you say, Bill? I'm telling you, through Dollar Shave Club, it's time to stop milking your razor blade. I know with brand name razors that you're used to paying outrageous prices and exhausting those razors until they start to look like a rusty soda can.

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What? Because it's, it's some little skinny nerd riding the fucking thing or a celebrity chef or some lady with a little ladybug helmet on. All of a sudden get t-boned by a fucking F-100 isn't a problem. I saw a guy today was on a, was riding a bicycle in Los Angeles on a major fucking street. All right, and he had his earbuds in listening to music and he's doing that thing where he's riding like eight to 10 feet off of the curb and this traffic behind him having to slow down and go around him. It's, that to me is, is more suicidal than riding a motorcycle in LA without a helmet. I might be wrong, but I'm just saying. I know Bill, you're just saying. Hey, by the way, we have some, we have some fucking hilarious YouTube videos that some listeners made about this podcast.

Two fans made a YouTube video, two different fans. Okay, one fan made one. It's a collection of every, oh, Jesus that I said in the past year. It's amazing. And right as it gets annoying, he always has it become funny again. It probably, it's probably going to annoy you guys, but it's like the amount of work that it took to put the whole thing together, it's fucked. And it might be something you want to get a little high and then listen to a drunk or whatever and then call a pizza parlor and curse your brains out at him. We'll have the link for that one.

And the other is text art of basically text and art added to me singing a song. When I sang that song, do you know what it means to miss New Orleans? They did this really cool thing that, that once again made me laugh out loud. And I don't, I don't laugh about a lot of things. You know why? Cause I'm a sad clown. So by the way, I didn't, the El Paso gig finally happened. It finally happened.

I want to thank everybody who came out to that. Everybody came out to San Jose. That was another great, oh fuck, I forgot that story. We performed there just a awesome crowd. And at the end of the night, we stayed in a hotel where we just had to walk a block and a half over to the venue. So me and Bartnick are leaving, right? We had a couple of crowns when we were in the theater there and we're walking out. And we should have went right.

We went left. We zigged and we should have zagged. And would you, we just start walking and we're just kind of feeling good cause it was a great show. And we were going to meet a couple of friends to go have something to eat and we're walking and we're walking and we're walking and we're walking. And all of a sudden we went like 10 blocks and Bartnick finds like, dude, where the fuck is the hotel? I'm like, I don't know. And it's starting to rain and I got my fucking box of DVDs. We're walking down the street looking like we both just got kicked out by our fucking wives, you know?

And I don't know, like, I just finally Googled where the hell our hotel was on the smartphone. And I realized we were like 15 blocks in the other direction. We were late. The people who wanted to meet us for dinner were texting us. Long story short, next thing you know, I'm on one of those, we took a bicycle taxi, right? We took a bicycle taxi, me and Bartnick sitting there with a glass of Crown Royal each in a plastic cup. I got my, I had my suitcase, my wheelie suitcase with my DVDs in it. He has to see these and we're sitting there riding this guy with a green Mohawk is riding us in this light misting rain and we're drinking whiskey and it was fucking, it was hilarious.

It was great. The wind in our hair or what's left of mine and we're just sitting there laughing our ass off. We couldn't look at each other in the back of this fucking bicycle rickshaw without cracking up because it's kind of a romantic thing to do. And I don't know, it was just one of those things just laughing our ass off. And then we went to this, this pizza on a pizza, this Italian restaurant, a famous one where they have like career waiters. So the waiters are unbelievable and they got like where the jackets and stuff. And I know I've eaten there before I want to say it was called Joe's and I got a chicken palm. That was delicious.

That was fucking delicious. So did I forget any other stories? And then the last night we worked at the celebrity, celebrity theater in Phoenix, Arizona. It was in the round and those are always just immediately amazing shows. And I got to send the videos that I took there, just the amount of people that have performed there. George Carlin taped the special there, his second one ever in 78. Louis CK just did one there. Paul Mooney had worked there, all these amazing comics and then all these bands.

Stevie Ray Vaughn and the in step tour, Miles Davis, Liberace performed there. The first time they could make the thing, the stage turn a little bit. Cream played there. Van Halen on their first tour played there was fucking insane. Tony Bennett, all of these unbelievable names and then two jackasses from the Rose Bowl tailgate. So it was amazing to become part of that history. And then afterwards they have this whole lounge area where the entire staff hangs out and drinks. And we were sitting there back in the green room.

And I was like, I said, you know, I had some friends that came to visit. A buddy of mine from back in the day and he married this woman from New Zealand. And they came up, she had a 16 year old daughter from a previous relationship or marriage or whatever. And they came up to us and they said, you know, we have a tradition in New Zealand that if a performer comes to town and gives a great show, that we give them a performance back and their 16 year old daughter came up and started doing this thing on the table. I guess some people have ripped it off on YouTube, but I guess this is the original one where they start. They just started doing this whole fucking beat with this cup. And then as she really was syncopated and all this shit just to keep that going.

And then she started singing this song about thank you for coming to the town and we're sorry that you're leaving. And when she would get to the chorus of it, her mother from across the room started singing the other harmony. It was one of the most pure artistic things I've ever seen. It was a paper cup and two people singing. And for half this, I was going to start filming it with my iPhone and I was like, no, that's what's wrong with fucking everything right now. Why can't this moment just happen? And I can't just sit here and watch it rather than viewing it now through my phone screen. You know what I mean? So, um, so that happened.

And then the last second we were, I was like, you know, hey, they said that, you know, the staff's upstairs drinking. And they brought us through the catacombs of the place. And all of a sudden you walk into like this Sinatra like fucking lounge and they're all drinking. We all come walking and they're like, hey, next thing you know, I'm getting shitfaced again. So needless to say, I'm back to drinking juice, feast of famine right now. So I'm, I'm juicing all day today. I'm even going to do yoga like a fucking twinkle toe over there. And I'm going to, I'm going to get my fucking self.

I'm going to get knock off the booze wait from this weekend. So anyways, Jesus Christ, have I run my mouth enough? Um, oh, by the way, is anybody, uh, anybody else kind of looking at it's like when the government was going to shut down? I don't know about you guys, but I was terrified. Like, is there going to be anarchy? Is it going to be people storming my fucking house with torches? Like people hung from, uh, you know, street lights and that type of shit. Uh, it's amazing how part of the government shut down and like, unless you work for them, you don't really notice.

Why do we need governments? Um, that would be amazing if they just quietly without anybody noticing just stopped having governments. And if nobody knew, everyone would just sort of like still behave themselves. Would that work? Well, how would you pay the cops and all that? I don't fucking know. I guess it wouldn't work, but I'm amazed at how well it's working with part of the government shut down. And I actually saw some quote, I heard this woman say on the news that the Federal Reserve is trying to help out with the misbehaving government.

And that was one of the fucking funniest things I ever heard. Um, all right. And I'm not getting into all that shit. All right. You either know about it or you don't. You either agree with it or you don't. And I'm tired of fucking arguing it. All right.

One man thrill ride everybody. Let's get to the, uh, the letters for this week. One man thrill ride. Uh, dear Billenstein's monster. I don't get that one. Is that Frankenstein's bill Billenstein's monster? Uh, fellow Boston area native and Rick flair enthusiast. All right.

So I love this guy already. Um, you have to check out this video. A guy recorded it before returning to his alma mater to play in the alumni game. It's absolutely electric. There's nothing you, you can come back with after this. It's perfect. I wish I could hear Patrice's reaction. Go fuck yourself.

Oh, I guess that was a YouTube video. Well, Jesus Christ. What a fucking intro that was. I have to watch this. Do we have to watch it live? Good morning. The one man thrill ride has arrived to the campus of Fitchburg State University to relive his glory days at the 2013 Fitchburg State baseball university alumni baseball game.

I am in the parking lot right now hammering a bacon egg and she hold the she in preparation to go deep with four hits and put on a laser show to the likes of which you have never witnessed in your entire life. All right. I got to watch the rest of this. I know it's going to get better. You got, you got to have the visual of it. This guy is not fucking around.

All right. I'm going to watch that. How do you not love sports? I get it. I get it. I can understand why you don't love it. You know why you don't love it? Cause you sucked at it.

But then you're not good at being a superhero either. But how do you get into that? Captain America. We totally beat the shit out of the whole because he has that little sphere with the star on it. Advice for young marriage. Dear Bill. I love your stuff.

Yada yada. I'm in a pickle. I married when I was 18 to a 30 year old woman. Get out. Get out immediately. If you're wired like a man, get out. A woman is, has more sophisticated wiring than a man. So she can be 12 years younger.

All right. I don't know if they're more sophisticated, but different things motivate themselves. Themselves. What am I saying? Motivate them. All right. They're motivated by different things other than look at the tits on her. All right.

I don't. All right. When you're 38, she's going to be 50. All right. And you're going to walk into the bedroom. I don't know. That's, that's, uh, maybe I'm not mature enough to do that. Why am I super imposing my shit onto your shit?

Why don't I just read what the fuck you have to say? I'm sorry. That was a real selfish moment there. All right. This guy's in a pickle. I'm married. He says I'm married. I married when I was 18 to a 30 year old woman whom I deeply loved.

I didn't get to that point. I'm already telling you leave. I, I'm sorry, sir. Anyways, he goes, I had low self esteem. Then I used to play world of warcraft, be lazy and have a beard. I am 23 now and I still love my life, but my life has changed. I'm fit, clean, shaven and more successful. Therefore women are showing interest in me at last.

My wife is getting older and I still like her and a lot like her a lot and find her attractive, but the age gap coupled with her bad PMS is starting to affect me. Yeah. And that's not going to get better, sir. Like, and she's still young. I already know where I'm going to go with this. My wife is kind, fun. We're not having PMS and a good mother.

Oh, you have kids. Oh, wait a second, dude. When I am around hot 18 to 25 year old women, I feel like I cannot control myself. So far I have controlled myself, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. What do I do? My wife has seen the conflict within me and sympathizes. She sometimes says that I can have some fun with other women if I tell her first, but I don't know if this is true or if or is a honey trap.

My, I don't know what that means. My wife is honest, but when emotions get in the way, I don't know how she will behave. Do I secretly cheat when I have a good opportunity to get away with it? Do I talk to her about some freedom? Do I leave her before the time bomb explodes? Explode, sorry. Or do I knuckle down and masturbate myself into submission, having lower self-esteem and missing out on fun, but being a better husband?

Oh, dude, I applaud your honesty. Listen, you have to do what's right for you at the end of the day. I don't know if you have those kids, your kids. I don't know, dude. Look, I'm not trying to blame her, but what kind of a 30 year old marries an 18 year old man or woman? All right, you're a fucking kid. She's a woman. She married a fucking child.

I know legally you're a man, but you're not. I suppose the same thing if a guy, a fucking 30 year old man marries an 18 year old, like I don't know how that's fucking legal, even though the woman is legal and she is a woman, she's a fucking child compared to a 30 year old. All right. And just the mental fucking tennis, just how much further, that's a huge amount of time in your life. If you're 50 and your wife's 38 or you're 50, your husband's 38, that's a different thing.

Okay. 30 to 18 is huge. I mean, you're talking like she's almost twice your fucking age. 12 year gap. You've only lived 18 years. What is she? Three quarters your age? Come on, you mathletes.

What is that? All right. I don't know what to tell you if you already have kids with this woman. I don't know what the answer is, but if those are her kids, you're 23, so you've been married five. She's 35. She still has a chance. She's still young.

She can still go out and meet somebody more around her age. Dude, you got married too young. You got married way too fucking young to somebody way too old. That's what I think. That's just what I think, but I don't have the feelings you have for this woman. All right. You're talking about a 45 year old guy who never got married and fucked up every relationship he was ever in.

That's what that's what you're talking to right here. Okay. I just know what I wanted to do when I was 23 years old and I was also, I mean, like 18 to 23 years old, you're supposed to be out there experiencing being young and all that has to offer. That's what you're supposed in discovering about yourself. Okay. Now, however, if you married this woman and you had kids with her, you do have a responsibility

and that's a whole other can of worms and a can of worms that is not in my life yet. So I don't know how to advise you on that. All right. You know, there are some things you, you know, some things in life you do miss out on. And sometimes you get this other great thing, but because of that great thing, you, you don't have enough time to enjoy this other thing. So you might be in that situation. If you have fucking kids, I would say ask somebody else who has kids as somebody else

who's in your boat. Those are her kids and you got married at 18 and she's 30 and now you're 23 and she's 35. I don't know what to do. That whole fucking, I don't know what to do. I would say get out. I would say get out. That's what I would say. I guess that's what I am saying, but I don't understand whether you have kids yet.

I don't know if you have kids with her and I don't know how deep is your love for that woman. How deep is you? I don't know. You know, I don't have enough information on that one, sir. But my gut's saying that you should shove it off the buffalo. I feel, you know what? I feel irresponsible on that one.

I don't know that I gave you good advice, sir. I would ask around more. So there's a jump off point, my ignorant thoughts. All right. Girlfriend wants me to take an STD test. Jesus Christ. That one's coming right out of the gate. Huh?

How far are we here? All right. Girlfriend wants me. You know what? Before I do that, let me just bang out the last couple of advertising. Quit your complaining. I got two more here, right? All right.

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Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in BRR. B-U-R-R. That's stamps.com. Enter BRR. Okay. Back to the podcast. Girlfriend.

Lady wants me to take an STD test. Hiya, Bill. All right. Right there. I think you're from England. Don't you guys say that over there? Hiya. Oh, by the way, I said Wales, England a year ago, a couple of weeks back.

They're separate countries. I never knew. Scotland is its own country. You never because it's Great Britain. Ireland's fighting. It's just fucking confusing and they don't teach us that shit over there. So Scotland, Wales, England, three different countries. There you go.

They all share the same island. And for some reason, they don't go to war with one another. Although I don't think they like each other. And from what I've heard, England, they're the cunts. Wales are allegedly having sex with sheep. And Scotland, I don't know. They're like barrels. They don't wear shirts and they'll beat the shit.

They'll headbutt you. No, headbutting is Australian. I don't know. You don't want to fuck around. You don't want to fuck around in any of those countries, according to the movies I've watched. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So Bill, I've been going out with this girl for almost five months and everything has been great so far. We haven't had sex yet because she's a virgin.

Like a virgin. The last couple of times we went out, she wanted to, but we were both drunk and we just fooled around and go to sleep. I'm waiting until she is ready because I honestly do care about her. Ah, well, you're a nice fella. You're not putting any pressure on her. Taking out your fucking cock and balls there. It's being like, you know, can you help me out over here? What?

I mean, what are you here for if you're not going to do all this shit six weeks? You don't want to be that guy. But the other day, she dropped a bomb on me. She asked me to get tested for STDs before we had sex. All right, well, that makes sense. If you're going to get into a committed relationship, eventually you want to remove the latex so you can get the whole experience. You want to go on the whole ride. You don't want to stand next to the roller coaster watching it do the loopy loops to you.

You want to be on that fucker. Anyways, I have had sex with seven different girls and I always used to wear a condom and I always scrubbed my dick after. Scrubbing your dick after, I don't think that that works. Oh, wait, they tell you to do that, right? I don't know. If, you know, if something got in you, it's already in you just because you washed the area where if you get bit by a rattlesnake and then you wash the cut, does the poison leave your bloodstream? Hi, I'm not a doctor and I'm putting out weird fucking information. I should shut the fuck up.

Anyway, so he watches his dick afterwards, but not his balls. I've been slapping up against it. She said that I could have an STD that doesn't affect guys, but it affects girls. She's talking about HPV. That's what she's saying. He goes, I said that's bullshit and told her I don't want to talk about it anymore. Jesus Christ, you were an enlightened man and now you went into the cavemen area. And you know what?

I'm not judging it because we all do it. You'll be impatient. You weren't pressuring her. You'll be in a goddamn gentleman. And all of a sudden out of nowhere, you took off your top hat and you beat her with the cane. Ah, Jesus, buddy. What did you do that for? All right.

He goes, I don't know what to do. He's like, I don't have an STD, but there's a little fucking voice in my head saying, well, maybe should I say fuck it and do the test or not? Thanks, man. Much appreciated. Love you. Love your show. All right. You know the deal, sir.

Even if you wear a condom, there's a chance that you could have something and HPV for the most part does not show up. I guess in guys for what they say, you don't really notice that you have it, but you can give it to women and causes them all kinds of problems, which of which I forget what it does to them because it doesn't concern me and I'm a selfish cunt. All right. So this is what I would do, sir. I would just go out. If you really give a shit, go out and get tested. And what's great about getting tested is when it comes back and you got nothing, you can take those seven people and clear them off the board like murder cases. You know, if you ever watch the wire, you get to erase them all off and you don't have it.

You don't have that, that caseload. All right. You can close those cases. They're not cold cases anymore. You understand what I'm saying? You've only had sex with seven people. According to you, you always wore a condom and you washed your fucking dick and your balls. There are not your balls.

Just your dick. All right. So I think you got a pretty good chance that you're all right. And if you're only seven in, this is a great time to get tested. All right. Because then what's great is when it comes back in your negative, you know what you are then? You're what's known as a red shirt virgin. Okay.

You're in your sophomore year, but you haven't taken any hits. If you know what I mean. All right. So then that makes you want to be even more careful. Why don't you do this? Just say, listen, I got emotional because I'm afraid that even though I've been careful, I am scared that yeah, when you have sex with somebody, even when you wear a condom, you can still catch shit. So tell you what, why don't we both go down and get tested?

We'll do it together as a couple. I apologize for acting like a caveman. Will you forgive me? And there you go. Then you both go out. You get tested. You take a route for a little fucking creme brulee or whatever the fuck they like to eat. And then you just sit there waiting.

Here comes the river and hoping the flop you fucking win the hand. That's all I can tell you, sir. But you know what? Eventually you're going to have to fucking know one way or another and you're only seven in. This is a great time before you go down that road and you got 30, 40, 50 under your belt. And you're just Jesus Christ thinking all this shit that you did and you're walking into that office with flop sweat. Okay. All right.

I think it's a great thing to go out and get tested. And I think your girlfriend's 100% in the right for asking you to do it. I feel like your behavior afterwards was immature, but understandable. And you need to make things right. All right. Go do your thing. Man up. Okay.

Bully, I can beat up. All right. Well, if there's a bully, you can beat up. He's not really a bully. He's just an asshole. Right. Hey, Billy boy, I'm 15 year old lad from Australia. And here's my problem.

There was a complete dickhead at my school that always picks on me, but here's, here's a twist. I could smash the shit out of this prick. I'm 182 centimeters. That's six feet tall, 15 years old, six feet tall. He goes 74 kilograms. That's 160 pounds for you. People keep and score. And every other day and he's about five eight and weighs about 185 pounds.

All right. So he's got, he's got your bike. He's got you by 25 pounds, but you have the reach advantage. This is the tail of the tape here. I love this. You got a four inch reach advantage. Unless he has those fucking Kevin McHale arms that are almost dragging on the ground. All right.

You go, I lift weights every other day and he's just fat. All right. You're definitely the favorite so far. He goes, but this isn't the biggest reason why I could smash this cut. I have about 20 years of martial arts experience. Wait a minute. You're 15 years old. How do you have 20 years of experience?

Oh, he's going to break it down. I have about 20 years of martial arts experience when you add it all up. I have seven years in karate, five years in movie tie. Oh Jesus dude, you bring those fucking knees to that fat belly. Oh my God. Probably got shins like a fucking street pole. Um, street pole, stop sign, whatever the fuck I was trying to say. Just I pictured a telephone pole and a stop sign made out of metal.

And I came up with street pole. Look at that. I'm inventing words here. Seven years of karate, five years of movie tie, five years of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Jesus Christ standing up, go to the ground. What do you want to do in three years of MMA? He constantly calls me name like gay boy and poof. And he slaps me in the back of the head every day.

Dude, you can't have that. Uh, this has been happening for like two months now and I haven't fought back because I'm worried about getting in trouble from teachers at my martial arts classes. Any advice is welcome. Uh, thanks for whatever, whatever helps you, whatever help you can give me. Uh, go fuck yourself and have a good day. All right, sir. Here's the deal.

You could, if you actually applied what you know, you could seriously hurt this guy, but you do have to defend yourself. So is there a way that the next time he goes to slap you in the head, you can put him in one of those fucking, those holds where you're just holding the person's thumb and they're all of a sudden on their tiptoes going, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Is there a way to just shoot one across the bow? That's what I'm suggesting. I'm not saying that you fuck this kid up and then ruin your standing with, uh, your, uh, your seafoods,

your senseis, your, your, your pastors, whatever the fuck you call them down at the dojo. Um, yeah, but there's no reason for you to go to school and get slapped in the back of the head and being called names. Okay. So what I would do is, uh, oh, well, why the fuck are you asking me? This is what you do. Jesus Christ. Here's your solution.

Talk to one of your karate masters there and just say, listen, this is the deal. I know after everything that you've taught me that I could just mop the floor with this fat tub of shit, but I don't want to get in, you know, bad standing with you. What, what do I do here? Have them, have them tell you what to do. And cause they could probably suggest they know the name or whatever that fucking, how to choke out somebody's thumb, whatever that thing is that you guys do that I wish I knew how to do. Um, but here's the deal.

One way or another, uh, there has to be a solution with this guy slapping you. They're slapping you in the back of the fucking head. Um, do you, do you know how to do a death grip yet? Have they taught you that? Is that an actual thing? Why don't you do a double death grip to his mantits and twist them before he has a chance to slap you in the head? Don't listen to anything that I'm going to suggest here. Uh, why don't you take some Twinkies?

What, what could you do with the Twinkie and a martial art thing? Why don't you make some nunchuck Twinkies and it says, so instead of slapping them in the face with the, with a piece of wood, it's a, it's a Twinkie. And it goes across his face. He's humiliated. Plus, you know, he's a fatty, so he's going to have to lick it off his face and he'll get into that sugar rush. And his eyes will roll in the back of his head. And by the time his eyes come back down, you're going to be across the room and he can't slap you in the head.

I know there's got to be something. There's got to be something to do. Uh, I mean, at this point, if you don't want to go physical, I would just go verbal. I, you know, he's calling you gay boy and poof. I mean, why don't you just talk about his fat tits? Just add, just be, just be really sincere. Just be like, just out of curiosity, how much do your tits weigh? You know, do you wear a sports bra?

Or are you going to kind of go with the, uh, the giant pocket T? And the fact that you're already this fat at our young age, like how fat do you think you're going to be when you're 40? These are just questions, sir. You know, and then when he charges you like a rhino, just step out of the way and he won't be able to slow down and maybe go flying into some desks. I don't know, sir, but can you please tell me how this, I would go, I would go to your, uh, your dojo masters there. Whatever. I'd ask them what to do, but there's no fucking way on any level that you should have to tolerate that. Um, you know, I would do that.

Jesus. Are they going to go even really more mature? Well, I think you should talk to your teachers about it. And then you become the fucking guy, rat it out. You know, it's like that selection. That's like the solutions they come up to on like the view. You just turn around and you just say, stop doing that. I, I, I'm not going to tolerate this.

You know, give me like a rape whistle or something. I don't fucking know. I don't know, sir, but please let me know how that works out because it's bothering me that that dude is doing that to you. All right. I don't like bullies. Um, Jesus Christ. You know what I really want to tell you to do and I'm not going to. All right.

Divorce settlement, uh, divorce settlement cheat. Uh, dear Mr. Burr, I call you Mr. Burr because I don't know you personally. Please tell me if I'm a piece of shit for doing what I thought was right. I will give you a quick summary. Fell in love with high school sweetheart. Oh, that's tremendous. Got married. Good for you.

Rent at a house. Awesome. 10 year relationship. Wonderful. Two years of marriage. Cool. No kids. All right.

I had a weekend with my friends in Austin to change locks to our house, knocked on the door for an hour. Cops called on me. Cops say the woman in the house says we are separated but married and I have been bothering her by visiting her. Her rented house too much. Oh my God. When she opened the door, a guy in his boxers and socks came walking down the stairs as the door was opened. I didn't see this coming. Oh my God.

I own a couple of pawn shops. My dad left me with one and then I grew it into multiple locations. I knew the relationship was over but we weren't divorced yet and I didn't want her taking half of my shit. So I sold my company locations to my parents for $1 for tax reasons. That sounds like a good move. I then bought back the company for full money in my personal account. We've always had separate accounts. Then I sold the company locations back to my parents for $1.

I think somehow got demoted from the new owners. Oh you left out a word. I think I somehow got demoted from the new owners from owner area supervisor to pawnbroker which doesn't make much money at all. This took me about three months to arrange. That doesn't make sense dude. Then I sold the company locations back to my parents for $1. So you sold it for $1. You bought it back and then you sold it again and you bought it back with your own money.

I need to be a lawyer to understand this. And he goes I think I somehow got demoted from the new owners from owner area supervisor to pawnbroker which doesn't make much money at all. This took me about three months to arrange all this so I acted like I was trying to work it out so that she wouldn't want to divorce yet. Needless to say after it was all said and done she thought that she was going to get a hefty amount of money when I actually think it was a pretty fair split. Do you think I did what I did was fucked up? Also I kind of found a way around the divorce settlement which is an old thing you brought up but still I'd like your opinion. Okay a loyal fan who says fuck those cunts who follow you for 15 years and give up on you. Oh thank you.

No I think what you did was genius. The way that she went about getting this divorce and calling the cops on you and then that's on your record. She kind of established a playing field. You know what I mean? It's one of those knife to a gun fight things. She established a playing field and you played the game accordingly. I mean I think the fact that you guys both seems like you got married young. Maybe she just didn't know how to break up with you in a more of a mature way so she kind of broke up with you mentally,

stayed with you, begun another relationship and then just when you went away just dropped the hammer and tried to do a one stop thing. Locke's gone. He's bugging me. This is the guy I'm fucking seeing and you get all that information in 90 seconds. Whatever. So then you make sure she doesn't get the pawn shops. I don't know. I think that's pretty fair.

It sounds like she's young enough to build up her own empire and with the cold calculated way that she dealt with cutting you out of her life I think she's going to do great in the corporate world so she'll be fine. So fuck it. You did the right thing. Good for you. Good for you. All right. Wrap up for the show here. All right.

That's it. That's it for the podcast by the way. I want to thank everybody who's been listening. The listenership has been steadily climbing up and and everybody who's been coming out to my shows. I got to tell you I'm having more fun than I've ever had on stage in my life and I really feel like I'm going through this growth period. I've been pushing myself this these things. A few things I've been trying to work on in my act and it's like it's been like a three year process and I feel like I'm pushing through right now. And so I don't know.

I feed off the crowds and you guys show up. It's really been helping to push me. So I just wanted to say actually something nice for once on the podcast. So thank you. And I'm off the road here after six weeks in a row on the road. I'm off for the next two three weeks. So I'm going to be going around LA trying to work on some stuff. Re recharge my batteries here.

Juice do some yoga do some pull ups climb the rope. Whatever the fuck I'm going to do. Watch some football. Watch some hockey and that type of shit. I'm going to chill out here for a few weeks. And anyways that's the podcast for this week. My next shows coming up believe it or not are not until November. All right.

And I got a run of shows coming up for I'm doing DC, New York City, Philadelphia. I don't have the exact dates. These are all on my website. And then I also am going to be doing I'm making up the last bit of the red state tour dates. I'm doing Deadwood, South Dakota, Tulsa, Oklahoma and Wichita, Kansas. And that's going to be the last of it. So I make those up. Is there anything else I'm doing there?

I don't know. All I know is I'm thinking of going to Deadwood a day early. In fact, I know I'm going to go because I want to see some stuff when I'm out there. And then I'm going to leave early the next day before Oklahoma because the Sooners have a game that day. I'm going to try to make it unless the flex schedule makes it an eight o'clock game. And I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do in Kansas. Other than I'm not going to say, hey, we're not in Kansas anymore and look around and

have everybody fucking roll their eyes like they haven't seen that 58. I mean, heard it 58 times a fucking day from tourists. All right, I'm babbling here. That's the end of the show. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Once again, Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit TV shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. You never have to miss a show again with your busy schedule.

It's the perfect way to consume television these days or movies, whatever you want to do. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com slash bill. That's huluplus.com slash bill. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I will see you guys in DC, New York and Philly in a month.

And I'm home for the whole month. I'm psyched. Gonna make another fucking pumpkin pie and shit. Get ready for Halloween. All right? That's it. I'll talk to you later. Top.