Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-8-18

Episode Date: October 8, 2018

Bill rambles about the Red Sox, phone calls and erectile disfunction.

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Oh my god, that is great. I can barely hear myself. I'm out here on the road. I don't have all my podcasting equipment. Oh Bill, you really are going to come in with excuses on Monday morning? Maybe I am. I'm still here in Boston after a whirlwind tour of the New England State Springfield, Boston, and then Bridgeport, Connecticut. I want to thank everybody that came out. You know, an incredible weekend.

Most people I've ever performed to over a three day period in my career and could not have gone any better. Thank you so very much. I was in, I did the Boston Garden, the TD Bank North Garden on Friday night in the round. Got together with some buddies of mine I used to jam with back in the day and we played in the empty arena and just had the best time ever, right? So anyways, you know, I walk in. It fucking places huge. It's like, Jesus Christ, you know, you make a little bit of noise in there so it's not as nerve wracking. Then you calm down a little bit.

You get comfortable and then all of a sudden the people start coming and it fills up and then you get nervous again, right? So I had Tony V, the great Tony V, the guy who taught me basically how to write by not writing. First guy I met who didn't write shit down. And I was like, well, what if you forget a joke? And he was just like, well, it means it's time to stop doing it. I just thought it was such a fucking badass, cabalier attitude. It was like, I want to be like that guy. So anyways, I worked with him and Paul Verzi.

So they both go up and they just act in like they're just doing a regular spot and if they're fucking murdering, both of them murdering. You know, Verzi was stuck in traffic. I think he had a double park or something before he went in there. So I don't think he had time to be nervous. He just ran out and did it. So anyways, I'm in the, they put you for the green room when you did it. We were in the referees like little fucking pretty called locker room. I was thinking just all the people that must have been screaming on the other side of the door because you're not allowed to go in there.

If you're a coach, a player or anything like that. So anyways, I'm sitting in there doing what you do in that moment thinking how the fuck did I get here? Why me? Is this the end? Is everybody going to show up? Be like, you know, we don't think he's funny anymore. Right. So I'm going through all of this shit trying to talk myself off the ledge so I can just go out there and act like this big deal is not a big deal so I can perform the best.

And right before I go out there, my cell phone rings. And I see it's, it's my wife and I'm like, ah, look at this perfect timing. This is why I love her. This is why she's the best. She's, you know, she's going to say, Hey, don't be nervous. Go out there. You earned it.

I love you. Blah, blah, all that shit. Right. Well, I pick up my phone and my laugh. She's crying hysterically. And I'm, my first thought was something happened to our kid. Like, oh my God, did she fall down? Did you drop her?

Did somebody come into the house? Like what the fuck happened? Like I picked up the phone. She's just like, I was like, what? What's the matter? What's the matter? Oh my God. I'm like, what?

What's the matter? She's like, nothing bad. I'm like, well, what is it? She's like, I just saw a star is born and it was so good. I was like, are you fucking kidding? I was like, honey, I got a show I got to go to. All right. I thought the fucking shit that went through my head.

All Stephen King level stuff of what could have been happened to her in the house and my daughter and all of that type of stuff. So it was so fucking ridiculous. It just made me laugh. And I went out there and I just told the story and then I was kind of fine for the rest of the show. But it was, I don't know, these past two weekends, it felt like I dreamed the shows. It didn't feel like they really happened.

So I don't know how the hell I got to that, to be able to be the guy that did it. But I just want to thank everybody for coming out. And the Boston Garden one really freaked me out because I literally started my stand up career. I told my first shit and dick jokes literally at Nick's comedy stop. I mean, I could have walked over there. I mean, it would have taken me about 25 minutes, but still I could still walk. I'm in the fan stage that I'm in.

So anyways, I went out there and I had a great time. The only thing I had to deal with it was it was in the round. There was a stool was in the middle and they had to keep walking around either side of it. And I've learned what you want. What you want to do is just take the stool out of the middle and just lay it down on its side. You know, then if you want to sit down, just pick it up and sit down.

I guess if you were going to do that, but I just feel like if it's in the round, you have to kind of be moving so people aren't staring at your backside. The whole time. Anyways, and then I got on the other side of that one. And that one was nerve wracking just because I had all kinds of family and friends and coworkers and people I went to school with. All of those people coming down. And it's just like, oh boy, what if I have a old sticker room tonight?

What if I have a bad one? Then they got to be like, no, it was, it was good. It was good. God, did you, uh, you lost a little weight. You look good. You going to the gym? People trying to change the subject. I like that shirt.

Your shirt looked great. Things you don't want to hear after a set. Um, so anyway, so now I'm on the other side of it and the Red Sox played game one. And of course it was a nail biter and I was just thinking, man, if we don't win the Chris sale game, we're fucked. And we want it. So thank God. So then game two comes around the next night and I am in Bridgeport, Connecticut and I

missed the whole game because I was traveling and then I was also, uh, doing my show. And, uh, once again, unfortunately price could not get us a victory in the postseason. And then of course now it's like all the wheels are coming off and boss. Everybody's just like, oh my God, how could we have played two games with the New York Yankees? And we won one and they won one. I just saw that coming after a hundred and eight, uh, regular season wins season. He's fucking people. It's just like what happened?

Like they were like already writing in the globe going was the 108 wins season, just a mirage because we lost one fucking game to a $200 million team that won a hundred games that we played 19 times this year. We went 10 and nine. We won one. They won one. We won two. They won one.

We won one. They won three. We swept them. And then they went two and one, two and one against us. And then, yeah, I had, I had a hundred bucks on each game. Betting 50 with Verzi and 50 with my agent, you know, the overall season thing. And the most I got up, they were up by like 150 at one point, then I was up 150. And then in the end 19 games, they owed me 50 bucks each.

We won one more fucking games. Everybody's sitting there freaking the fuck out and they're going to try to build this thing up like, oh my God, this is the greatest team, one of the greatest teams ever to have won 108 fucking games. It doesn't mean shit. The Orioles are not going to be there in October. I keep saying, how many times do I have to be right? How many times do you guys have to shake your head and discuss and reach for the stop button?

Because once again, old ball Billy, old freckles himself is once again crowing about something that he said was going to happen. I would say as far back as July, you know, definitely after we slept in August, I was like, what exactly like in ESPN, oh my God, it's fucking over. It's over. It isn't over. So for all you people out there who get confused with regular season wins, okay, just take everybody off the board at the end of the season who isn't going to go into the playoffs and then

look how they did against the playoff teams. It's as simple as that. I think we were about, you know, pretty even with the Indians. I didn't look up the Indians or the Astros, but I think we're even with the Indians and we probably had a losing record against the Astros and we went 10 and 9 against the Yankees. So those are the teams we're going to be playing. That's how they've matched up against us. Why is it surprising that we're one-on-one?

If we lose this playoff series, yeah, it won't be nearly as a surprising fucking thing. You know, considering the last two times we played the Yankees, we lost both regular season series. Right? So I'd say we're due to win this one. So we need old fucking, whatever his fucking name is, Percello to have one of his good games tonight. Then we'll be up two games to one before we get the shit kicked out of us by the Astros. That's my prediction. That's what I feel is going to happen if we get by the Yankees.

And if we don't get by the Yankees, despite what Shaughnessy and all these guys will say, it wasn't a major fucking collapse, despite what Johnny Damon said, I guess one of my buddies goes, dude, do you believe Johnny Damon is fucking rooting for the Yankees? Absolutely, he wasn't a Red Sox, he was an A. And then he became a free agent. And once you get a fucking free agent, you can't fall in love with them. It's like falling in love with a stripper. He's going to go with the money.

He didn't give a fuck. Pay me. He grew his shit out. He was at the Red Sox, and then he goes to the Yankees. Yeah, you can sign with us, but you got to get a haircut. And he's like, OK. And he went down there like a good little schoolboy. They got him all ready for his scouting picture.

So now he's rooting for the Yankees. He gets a shit. He helped fucking end the curse here at Boston. I'm good with the guy. We had a great time. We had a great fucking time while he was on the team. So anyways, I'm going to watch that game tonight. I believe game three is tonight, and I'm not going to think that, you know,

I'm hoping that we fucking win this thing. But like just the way that they're already building this thing up, like this is going to be, oh my God, like if the Red Sox win it all this year, right? Is this one of the greatest teams of all time? No, I wouldn't say that. Even if they had 108 wins, you know, compared to some of those other fucking,

I mean, the old force of Red Sox could beat the fucking 2018. Who's in Watsons? Was the old 14 one of the greatest teams of all time? I don't think so. Who do you think is one of the greatest teams? The fucking Oakland A's in the early 70s. Those teams? The big red machine?

I think those were better teams. I have no fucking idea. I'm just saying everybody fucking relax. Put your fucking eyebrows down. Anyways, plowing ahead here. So I'm still here in Boston and anytime I come back, I'm like, ah man, I miss living here, but this time more so than any other time.

I don't know why. I just, I took a, like the day after the Boston Garden gig, I was, you know, still staying in Boston and I walked over to the North End. As I always do. And I went down Hanover Street and then I kind of, you know, I was walking about halfway down. I got back to the corner store and then I fucking break off to the left

and I tried to find shit that isn't, you know, Hanover Street is like the Times Square in the North End, right? And ended up finding this great place to get a sandwich and me and my tour manager just fucking hung out in this park eating these sandwiches on like a perfect day, perfect sunny New England day in the North End. It was a great Italian deli where they had all of this, just, you know, Italians.

It's just like they take food to the entirely next level. And I was in there just like wanting to order everything because I live on the West Coast and you can't get good Italian, you can't get good pizza, you can't get any of that shit. But I was just like, all right, I got to stay on my diet and not get too crazy. I'm already eating bread here, so I just got a tuna, a small tuna sub, I guess you'd call it, out here.

And just the way they seasoned it was fucking perfect. They had celery, onions in there and something else mixed in with the tuna, just a hint of mayonnaise. And even the size of the way they chopped up the onions and celery, it was perfect. It all just added to it. It all just kept taking the tuna to the next level. And I was sitting in the park and I was saying to my manager,

I was like, this fucking sandwich is unbelievable. And he even lives on the East Coast. He's like, yeah, it is. This is a good sandwich. And we sat there going, is there anything better than just sitting outside eating a good fucking sandwich? And that's the end of the sandwich story. And it was, it was tremendous.

It was fucking tremendous. That's one of my favorite parts, you know, of Boston. And then I always walk, and then I walked over to the, to the garden to buy some Bruin stuff for my daughter. And I walked by the, you know, that bridge you go over to get to Charlestown, which I never even knew that that's what that was. I'd always heard of Charlestown, but I didn't know where the fuck it was until that movie, The Town, came out.

You know, I learned more goddamn shit about Boston by watching movies about it. When I lived here, I just, I didn't know, you know, I knew how to get to like the sports venues, but I didn't know, you know, East Boston. I still don't even know where that is. I wouldn't know how to get there. I know where Chelsea is. I don't know where, and now I know where Charlestown is. Back Bay.

I don't, I don't even know where the fuck that is. Where that starts or where that ends. I know where Newbury Street is. Sorry, my stomach's growling here. I don't know. So tonight is my sort of the next couple of days of my hangback here, just because, you know, I got a bunch of fucking nieces and nephews and all of that shit. And I'm on the other side.

I got one more arena gig, everybody. One more left before fucking freckles turns back into a pumpkin. And that's November 7th, Madison Square Garden. And it's going to be me, Versey and Joe Bartnick. And I'll tell you, I wish I was taping a special right now because I feel like my hour is ready to go. But due to different things, I don't think I'm going to tape until next year. But I've been having more goddamn fun and I swear to God,

I really believe that the more things get crazy on social media with these lunatics that have gone so far left that I'm questioning whether I'm even left anymore, the more they do that. I feel like the more you can get away with on stage, people are just laughing even more. Anyways, you see that Kavanaugh guy got on the fucking Supreme Court? I don't know what that means. I know a lot of people are upset about it. You know, I don't understand those women getting fucking arrested and then they're

sticking their fists in the air. They're doing the black power thing. That was black power, right? They're fucking taking that. It's hilarious. White women, the United States of America, fight the power. They can't come up with their own fucking thing. They should steal the Sammy Hagar thing that he used to do.

He took the two I love things together and then he would sort of put his index fingers together and his thumbs together and then stick his tongue through the middle and wiggle it, acting like he was going down on a woman. I mean, that's what you could do in the 80s at a mainstream concert. Women should have something like that. Just don't stick the tongue through it. Then I think it's respectful to women. I think that that's where that part goes off the rail.

I'm not sure. I'm not, you know, I don't know much about the hand gestures there, but I know enough about them to be like, oh, that was the black power one. That's the one from the Olympics. You can't tell me at this point to get arrested at a protest to stick your fucking hand up in the air. You don't feel like you're doing the Charleston. That doesn't feel a little dated.

You know, there's got to be something new that you're doing like, like that's like doing a joke. Hey, take my wife, please. That's like the fucking protest version of that. You know what I mean? Like first you had the low five, then you had the high five, then they were bumping forearms, then they'd come in and kind of do like that. You know, it's like you deliberately miss and then your forearms and elbows kind of

lock and then there's all these elaborate fucking handshakes like it always goes to the next level. But for some reason with protesting, they just, you know, it's a timeless classic, the fist in the air. I'm saying there needs to be switched up. I don't know what I would go with. You guys want to check in on some feminist tweets? One of my favorite fucking things to do.

Let's see what they're demanding today. Maybe they're in a good mood today. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine if you just went to feminism and they were like, you know what? I'm kind of happy with America. All right. Feminist. That's a probably get, this would just be people trash and feminism.

I don't want to see that. I want to, oh no, she's one of those feminists. Yeah, this is only just trash feminist. Okay. This is a guy wearing this shirt, of course, because he's woke. Feminism is the radical notion that women are people. To some people it is. What I love about feminism is this really no clear-cut definition.

It's just what it means to the person. It's kind of like what is art. Why men's rights activists? The shooter, according to his Facebook, is a feminism. A feminist, sorry. It's just going to be trash. Ah, Christ. All right.

You know what? Let me look this one up. You got to get the ones where they make it about themselves. That's my favorite. Kavanaugh, right? How do you spell it? Kavanaugh confirmed. Okay, here we go.

All right. Just an FYI. Everyone, Supreme Court justices can be impeached. It rarely happens, but it's absolutely possible. Just keep in mind until, oh, I don't know, let's say mid-November. All right. There's something about the election. When do I get my own handmaiden?

That's how this works, right? All right. Once again, that's a little dramatic, don't you think? It is probably... Oh, I love this. Here's a good one. I met three black people, a gay man, a Hispanic man, and more women than men yesterday that support Kavanaugh.

Identity politics is sexist and racist. Don't be part of it. Identity politics is gross. Don't be part of it. That's always, like, convenient, right? You know? I think Obama stinks, and I'm a Democrat. Liberals help Kavanaugh win by showing how ridiculous they truly are.

Oh, yeah, the Kavanaugh. Come on, man. I like the other ones. Uh-oh. There's some old guy holding up a sign, and there's some woman dancing around him. All right. This is just going off the rails. I want this to be a fucking legitimate segment.

The power structure wasn't willing to risk not having a majority of straight cisgender conservative white men directing our laws, practices, and policies into the foreseeable future. They would rather have a sexual assaulter than literally anyone else. Yeah. Everybody sees it the way they fucking see it, man. You know? It's kind of weird with those things. The burden of proof is way less.

Because if that was a trial, that would have been like, yeah, dude, you can't be in there. I think it was him. I don't really remember. I, yeah, yeah. They'd be like, all right, yeah. We don't have time for this. You've got to come back with fucking evidence. I haven't said that.

I still believe the woman, though, just because she kept telling the fucking story over and over and over again. I don't know who the fuck knows. But some of this shit that Kavanaugh was getting, like, who doesn't have a bunch of fucking friends with stupid nicknames from high school? Are they like fucking Headly, Squash, Plank, Guza, Frenchy? What the fuck? You're in high school.

He's plowing ahead. I keep missing all the goddamn racing. I got the fucking F1 app. And it just keeps showing me. I got the F1 TV. And I was watching this race from 1989, the Japanese F1 with that Senna dude. You know, he was already the best of all time. And who the fuck was he up against?

I forget his fucking name. But it was phenomenal. I watched it almost right till the end. Senna was coming back, driving like a lunatic. And they actually had the onboard cameras. If you can watch it, like the cars back then sound so much more ferocious and dangerous. And then also when you just look at the lack of safety, it's just like their fucking head is just, you know, not like that halo and shit around you.

It definitely seemed, you know, like the death rate must have been way higher. Obviously it was built. The guy you're talking about ended up dying. Bill, why don't you read some advertising here? Now that you've meandered and bombed with your fucking Twitter feminism fucking reading the tweets there because you didn't look them up. Why didn't you fucking... Come on, there's gotta be a good one in here.

He's just not a likable looking guy, this Kavanaugh. I think that's when that's what really hurts you. You gotta be likable. You know, like Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton is likable. The shit that that guy's getting busted for doing and women still like him is fucking, it's unbelievable. Well, you know what this is? This is just a bunch of pro-Kavanaugh people crawling on here.

That's all it is. We must vote. Here's to the end of everything. RIP America, Kavanaugh confirmed. I mean, that's a little dramatic. We didn't just hire this guy to become a fucking furor, did we? It's the end of everything. All right, let me read the advertising here, everybody.

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That was a long one. I missed the Conor McGrath. This is my whole podcast now because I've been traveling so much. Everything that I missed. I missed Mark McGrath when his fucking seventh MotoGP race of the year. He's running away with the title once again. I'm still trying to figure out how to watch F1 races legally on the internet. I signed up for something.

I paid for that F1 TV. Now I'm watching shit from fucking 1989. I saw that the Russian guy, what is his name? Kibbles and Bitz there with his big furry hat. He beat the Burger King guy there, Conor McGregor, which is going to set up a great rematch. You know, something would be great if they didn't fucking have that stupid fight in the end. That was really dumb. I don't understand when those brawls break out.

But 90% of people are going to break it up. And then there's always that one lunatic that just comes running in, you know, flies in and just jumps in and tries to punch somebody. It's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Anyways, here's some of my upcoming dates, everybody. I'm going to be in Saginaw, Michigan at the Dow Events Center this Friday, October 12th. And then the next day I'm going to the Wolverines versus the fucking Wisconsin Badgers. I'm going to be in Baltimore, Maryland at the Modell Lyric. Oh my God.

Is this a meyondies gig? October 18th. The early shows sold out. Late show tickets still available. Atlantic City, New Jersey, Borgata Resort, October 19th for two shows. I was supposed to add in another show in the 20th, but we're going to move that one because that's my... It's my five-year wedding anniversary that weekend, so I got to be home. Ain't going to be good.

Five-year wood, right? I got to get her something made out of wood. I got to whittle something. October 26th, Phoenix, Arizona. I'm at the Comerica Theater. I'm doing the evening show there. I also am going to do the goddamn comedy jam and my podcast. And then I got Madison Square Garden on November 7th, and then I end my year.

November 8th through the 10th at the Chicago Theater. 8, 9, 10. 8, 9, 8, 9, 10. Three days there. Okay. Three days at the unbelievable Chicago Theater, and then that's it. And then the rest of the year, I'm fucking off, but it's already filling up with bullshit. It has always some sort of fucking bullshit.

All right, both. Let's read some of the questions here for this week. Oh, yeah. They say sober October, which I jumped in too late because I drank the first day. Then I didn't drink any other days except last night. I had a few. I'm in Boston. What am I supposed to do?

So I've drank two. Two what? What's today? The eighth. All right. So I'm six and two. I'm back on the wagon. Here we go.

And I was saying, well, you know, it'd be great if the, you know, sober October makes you not want to drink. It'd be great if they could come up with a rhyme for November. So somebody came up with no bender November. Doesn't really rhyme, but it's close enough. He said, yo, Billy T.D. Gadden crushed on the pocket floors Friday. Thank you.

He said no booze in November is called no bender November. In case you can't think of a way to rhyme, you dumb genius. Well, it doesn't really rhyme. Okay. And there's a word for that when there's two things that they sound like they rhyme, but they don't. It's called hyperbole. I forget what it's called.

It's called a run on sentence. Fuck. Remember that shit of stupid terms. You an English class. Two words that rhyme, but don't. Terminology. What do you call two words that rhyme? No, no, no, no, I didn't, I didn't ask it right.

God damn it. Two words that sound like they rhyme, but they don't. Come on. Give it to me. What is it called when words sound like they rhyme, but don't. Half a rhyme. I thought they had a bigger term for that. Soliloquy.

I don't know. Anyways, let's get back to this fucking bullshit. All right. Toilet paper versus a fancy toilet. Hey freckles, the seat is better for the environment because thousands and thousands of liters of water and kilowatts of power go into the production of toilet paper. Thanks, you dumb fuck. Okay.

Well, what about having to then have an electric toilet seat? And what about all the extra water you're going to be using hosing off your asshole? You know, I mean they both. It's like driving a Tesla. Okay. So it doesn't use any gas, but what happens when you throw out that giant battery underneath the car? Although I'm totally for those cars and electric power.

And you know, because even if it pollutes the environment just as much, at least we'll be out of the Middle East. You know, that's how you solve that problem. We just convert to solar power and we all drive quiet electric cars. You know, they're a fucking one trick pony over there in the Middle East. They don't produce any cars that anybody wants, you know, cuisine. They got cuisine and they got oil. They're cuisines.

Delicious. Our cars love their oil. But you know, if you put that out to put them out of business, there you go. Then they don't have no money to fund any sort of terrorist groups. And then we leave them the fuck alone. And then they go back to just being mad at each other. Done. Out.

See you. Declare victory. Go home. All right. Make a smoothie. Broccoli sprouts in your smoothie. Dear Billy Bison, but I'm really into food. I'm really into fitness and eating healthy and all that.

All right. To that point, you may want to consider researching the benefits of broccoli sprouts. They contain lots of anti-cancer properties and the research is new with lots of tests to back it up. I want you to live forever. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right. So what am I supposed to look this up? Broccoli sprouts.

Now is this just straight up broccoli? Let's demonstrate broccoli in a sprout. Broccoli sprouts. Cancer. All right. Let's see what they say here. A compound of broccoli sprouts may not only help prevent cancer, but also treat it. Well, Jesus Christ, that's about it.

Okay. Suffer laughing is found in vegetables such as kale, cauliflower, and cabbage. And in particular, high concentrations in young broccoli sprouts. Jesus Christ. So now I got to eat those things. You going to freeze them? All right. Well, you know, I looked it up.

It said they do that. So now I believe it. Are you eating enough broccoli sprouts? Who the fuck knows? All right. Here we go. I'll definitely do it. All right.

Art Deco bars. Hey there, Freckles. You mentioned looking into an Art Deco bar. Check this one out. It comes inside an $80 million airplane. Pretty sweet. Drop a few of those Netflix coins there. Let me see this fucking thing.

An Art Deco bar in a plane. That's not in a plane. What private business aircraft manager and Embraer executive jet have created a new luxury jet. Dubbed the Manhattan, which takes passengers back to the 1920s with its Art Deco designs. Isn't it enough that you're flying private? Yeah, I'd love a private jet, but what is the theme created by the company's vice president of interior design, Jay Beaver and former Disney Imagineer. Imagineer Eddie Soto.

The jet will T sound shady. Eddie Soto. Jay Beaver. He'll try to fuck your girlfriend. Eddie Soto is shady. The jet will make you feel as though you're stepping back in time and it's with its rich mahogany wood panels, brass and gold trimmings and vibrant jewel tones. It just sounds like it's going to take a lot of fuel to get this thing off the ground.

Beaver was inspired by the Art Deco interior designs of the SS Normandy French Ocean liner. I didn't say of the SS fucking German psychopaths there. I use the Nazis, Nazi Germany to inspire this, this bill. Somebody explained to me how the fuck you can never fly private and make any money. I will never understand that. You know, it costs an absolute fortune and you can't even write it off. You go like, if you spend like 20 grand on a fucking private plane ticket, like the government's only like, you could have flown first class for 15 on a box, two grand.

You're the dumb ass that spent another 18 grand. That's on you. That's the way my account explained it to me. All right, shit talking people. Dear Billy Justice, what's the deal with? Okay, so what's the deal with shit talkers getting mad when other people talk shit? All of my beef comes from hypocrites these days. I keep hearing people, comedians as well, get mad at people who make fun of them.

The same people who make a living doing the same. I need some examples here. This, yeah, I mean, I don't agree with that. If you go around making fun of people, then you shouldn't get mad at people making fun of you. Right? Meaning like hecklers. I don't mind hecklers. You know, I don't even mind these fucking people that write mean shit to me on Twitter.

It's annoying, but I mean, I just accept it. But I do. I try to rise above it. The same people will make a living doing the same thing. The same people who never think for a minute about what they're saying, flip the fuck out when someone trashes them. It's something I yell at to no one in my car on the way home from work on a daily basis. This is his quote, you motherfucker, how can you expect to be treated like this when you yourself are doing the same thing? It's the golden rule right out the window.

It's the law and nature right out the window. Bill, I'm losing my mind. Anyways, I was wondering how you deal with these people. Do you yell at everyone you know? Do you lose your friends and colleagues? I'm sure you've had a celebrity friend complain about something they have done themselves a million times. What would you say to them? Well, listen, if you're going to talk about hypocritical behavior, I'm the fucking king of that.

And I've been guilty of that. Trashing people on stage, then getting upset if someone was a dick to me. Everybody's like that. Everybody's got flaws. So I don't really know what you're asking me, but I do find it funny with some of these people who are in entertainment, who are pro-women advancement and all that, which why wouldn't you be? But then the way they go about it is they say all this sexy shit about guys. These big sweeping generalizations and all that. It's like you literally sound like what you're fighting right now.

They're like, oh, shut up. You're a white guy. It's like, yeah, I am a white guy who would know more about that than a white guy. You sound like a white guy. Maybe that's the way you try to convey it to them because then you're kind of shitting on yourself. You sound like a white man. That is not a compliment. You know what I mean? Why do I think this audio is going to be played at a Klan meeting?

This is where the white man is right now. He thinks to sound like himself. It is not a compliment. It all went off the rails with, first, freeing the slaves, second, yo MTV raps, and then Obama. Yeah, I would just say that. Like some of this shit. Like I thought a lot of the ways that people were just talking about Kavanaugh was like, it's astoundingly like, you don't hear that you're doing what you're doing.

You're against racism and all of that shit. Like you can't say you're being racist against a white guy because your thoughts don't affect. But it's basically, if you were in power, that guy would be fucked. Like a white guy, you just never heard the word no. Every door just flew open. You know that cartoon version of being a white dude? I don't know. I just thought so much of it was about, they just built this whole story behind this guy.

I guess that's identity politics. Like, oh, he went to Yale. He's a white guy. He was, you know, he played sports. Okay, he's a date rapist. All the doors flew open. His dad was a judge. He never went to jail.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Whatever the fuck they're talking about. It's just kind of like, how about a little evidence? Yeah. All right. Boyfriend being shady. I didn't even answer this guy's question. What do I say to those people?

You know, if I'm in a zone, I don't say anything. If I'm in a bad place, I'll let it ruin my morning. And I'm like you. And I, like I remember when Harvey Weinstein first got busted and then Fox News was going, this is what Hollywood is like and blah, blah, blah. And I just remember yelling, and your network. Bill O'Reilly. What about all these other, and then you're fucking one of your main guys over there?

I mean, I don't know. Me TV is where it's at. I'm telling you. All right. Boyfriend being shady. Hey, Billy, no buns. No. My man and I have been together for six years, but this past year, he's become really close

to this lady from work. That's not good. They spent a lot of time together going to bars parties and work, obviously. I don't go out with them because I don't like to drink and have anxiety. He'll make me feel like I'm crazy for getting upset. But if the situation was switched and I was going out drinking and dancing with another man, he'd be pissed too. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. He's going out drinking and dancing with another woman. I think you're well in your right to be like, uh, yes. So then, I mean, the next logical step is you're going to finger blaster here. I mean, what's going on here? Anyway, so what's your opinion on this?

Do I need to chill out? And if so, how? Lol. Thanks. Go fuck yourself. No, you need to validate what you're thinking. This is bullshit. I'm like, no, you're out drinking and dancing with another woman.

I mean, I don't think, you know, um, the only thing that could say that is if you don't go out, if you don't hang out and you have anxiety, I don't know what the anxiety is about, but like, you know, if this guy likes to go out and you don't like to go out at all, maybe you guys aren't right for each other, or maybe you guys find some shit that you both like, you know, yeah, I mean, that's, uh, that's not a good situation. So I would, I would tell the person what, what you're thinking. I don't think you're being, uh, wrong. And I think that is shady behavior.

All right. Let's just make the fuck do I know? What the fuck do I know? All right. What do we got here? This is the last question. I got 12 minutes left. I swear to God, if I don't have my microphones in my fucking headphones, it's literally,

it's like kryptonite. All right. First breakup. Um, hey, you freckled fuck. Oh, this person, the fucking relationship goes down the tubes and they come at me all hostile. I'll make this quick. I just wanted to tell someone and honestly, and honestly, before I talk to my parents,

I know you're dyslexic like me. So I'll use basic words. Well, I appreciate that. I'm a senior in high school. I'm on the varsity wrestling and run this and run distance track. My free time has only consisted of homework and Netflix parentheses. F is the family is my favorite show. Nice.

Did you guys see how we announced that the great Vince Vaughn will be on the, uh, will be on season, uh, three, right? No, season two. Oh, season three. Yeah. Season three. I'm getting fucking confused myself. Anyways, he said, uh, what the hell is it?

I'm a senior in high school. Uh, well, that was like 10 months ago. I had never dated a girl ever, but I had a crush on this girl for like a full year. She runs cross country in his way smarter than I will ever be. All right, great. Put her up on a pedestal. See how that works. She's a year younger than me, but we eventually started talking because when the boys and girls

varsity teams would hang out, we both would be there. Eventually she became all that I thought about. I literally could not focus on school running, et cetera. We talked almost every night over text and we're together every time I went out with the team. We went to homecoming my first time together a few weeks ago and I had my first kiss there. Jesus Christ. It sounds like a fucking perfect story.

After that night, we really didn't talk over text that much. We don't have any classes together in practice is not a good time to hang out. Well, anyway, about a week ago, she texts me and said she didn't see a future of us being more than friends. I told her what I felt. I just said that's fair and all I want is for her to be happy, which is true. But I thought I would be able to brush that shit off like it was nothing. But I'm writing this email for no reason.

So that obviously didn't happen. Should I have fought harder to keep us together? Just move on. I've never been in a relationship and I don't know what to do anymore. Would appreciate your advice as always. Go fuck yourself. You sound like a funny kid, man. I think you can get yourself, you know, I think you'll be fine.

Just keep using humor. Cry it out of you. Yeah, you fucking you fell hard for this person and then they sent you packing and then you're like, what is there something wrong with me? And it's like, no, there isn't. You're just not right. It's not like she broke up with you for a specific thing, you know, you're torturing animals and I just don't like that about you.

She just said we're not right. She didn't feel the spark the way you did. That's what happens and she did you a favor. So the best thing is you didn't yell at her and you're still kind of friendly with her. So what I would do is I would just fucking yeah, but don't brush it off. Um, if you have to like brush something off, that means you're trying to trick yourself that you don't give a shit. You do give a shit and just sort of exist in giving a shit about it.

Talk it out with people. Um, but I would leave her alone, but be friendly with this. Hey, what's up? And, um, you know, and you're young, you're still in high school. You got a, you got a zillion at bats. That was your first fucking at bat. You know, what are you going to do? So I wouldn't, I wouldn't take it that hard.

Um, but it's normal that if you like somebody and they break up with you for you to feel bad. All right. If you could have just brushed it off like it was no big deal, then that would mean that you didn't like her or that you were like a sociopath. And then what that would lead you to torturing animals and eventually work your way up to the ultimate prey, being a human being, walking out of a 7-eleven unsuspectingly. Uh, so that's it. Is that going to be the podcast?

53 minutes. I'm contractually obligated to do another six and a half minutes here. Right. So anyways, I've been pretty good on my diet. Um, breakfast, I've been better than anything else, but just coming back here. I've been trying to avoid all the old haunts that I go to, but it's been, uh, it's been difficult. I've been trying to do the smoothies in the morning.

Um, but you know, I'm staying with some relatives and they've just been, you know, just like, Oh, so and so is in town. Let's make pancakes. Right. What are you going to say? No. Actually, no. Could I get some Greek yogurt with some berries and some chia seeds?

What the fuck? You call those things? That's acceptable on the West coast. You do that out here. Everybody starts looking at you like, Hey, dude, you know, don't forget where he came from now. You're an East coast guy. Okay. You die of a heart attack in your fifties or your sixties.

Now, you know, that's how it works. So get over here, sit down and eat this shit. That's going to make you want to take a nap. That's basically it. Right. Um, well, I'm hoping, uh, I'm hoping I can jump right back. I'm going to jump right back on the diet when I get out there. I'm doing the best I can.

If I could get a full control of today, then I would, I would be, uh, I'd be fine. I just have to get on the other side of this to be honest with you. Get to the other side of the fucking Chicago theater gig. And once I do that, then I feel, uh, I can just cruise for the rest of the year. I'm going to do my Eastern European tour and then some another little run. I think next year, how we're going to do is every six weeks, I'm going to go overseas and knock something out, hopefully get some Australia dates and that type of shit. That is the game plan and somewhere in there to shoot a special.

Uh, I don't know where or when yet, but, um, I don't know, it's feeling like, it's feeling like it's fucking ready. You know, and I've been throwing in all these extra lines and people have been really laughing at it. And all of it just goes in the complete opposite direction of all of this shit that's kind of been going on out there. Um, which I don't know means it's either going to be a really good special or I'm just going to get fucking trashed.

Well, like this just sounds like a whining white male pining for the way things used to be, but they do that fucking shit. It's just like, no, I'm a contrarian. That's all it is. Um, so evidently a star is born, which stars Dave Chappelle, Andrew Dice Clay. I think there's one other comedian in there too. I didn't see it. My wife saw it.

I evidently loved it to the point that she was crying like a loved one died. Um, she's like, you got to come out. We have to see that movie. And I was like, is it like a dirty dancing type of movie? Cause I just don't see myself. Uh, maybe it was a good thing that you saw it by yourself. And I guess she's like Bradley Cooper's in it. He's fucking unbelievable.

He wrote all the music. He's so talented. And I was like, oh, I love Bradley Cooper. Right. And she's like Lady Gaga's in it. And I was like, oh, she's like, what's the matter? You don't remember the long time ago when I went to the Lady Gaga concert with you? It was the day the Patriots got crushed by the Ravens in the playoffs.

So I'd already had like six beers. You don't remember that? And evidently I said, Jesus fucking Christ in the middle of the concert. Um, I've done only said it once. She said, you said it like four times. We got in this big fucking fight. Um, not really. She was just mad at me saying that I ruined the experience for us.

So like ever since then, whenever she goes to one of these big shows, like she doesn't, she doesn't ask me to go anymore, which is funny. But now that I said it out loud is a little sad. I think I should be able to sit through. No, I liked Lady Gaga when she was singing, but it just kept, it just was like this fucking, uh, I don't know what it was. It was like this self-help program. I felt more than a concert.

And they just kept fucking talking about how they didn't give a file. Give a fuck. You give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. It's just like, well, get on with not giving a fuck. Who stands around talking about how they don't give a fuck. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, that's basically what it was.

It was probably only like 20% of it. The other 80% was that my team lost in the fucking playoffs. Um, so it's probably a good thing. I don't know. Yeah. I'll be honest with you. I don't, I don't know. I don't know if I can sit through a movie that has people singing in it.

And that has nothing to do with the people that are singing. And it has to do with me. I just don't know what it is. I can watch the dumbest shit ever. There's a hundred people with machine guns shooting at the guy and somehow the guy doesn't die. Like that to me for some reason is less ridiculous than watching two people sitting across from each other talking and all of a sudden one of them starts singing. And nobody's like looking like, dude, we're in a restaurant.

Can you stop fucking singing? Just, just say what you have to say. You're weirding me out here. Like no, no, that moment never happens in a musical. You know what's funny? I don't even know what that movie's about. I should go see it. Um, because I'm a, I don't know.

I watched the same fucking movie over and over again. It's just has a different title. So, you know, I'm going to broaden my, you know, fuck it. I'm going to go see that movie. I'll go see it because Dyson Chapella in it. Um, but God, if I go there and my wife is crying, then I have to like comfort her and all that shit. Jesus Christ. It's just like, I thought we were going to, I thought we were having a good time.

Look at you. You fucking crying. Now we're walking in public and everybody's looking at me like I just said something mean to you. And I got to be like, no, no, no, she just saw a star is born. It was really good. That's why she has an expression on her face. Like something really bad just happened. I had the time of my life.

Was that dirty dancing? With a word of war. You know, I don't know. There's people who watch Top Gun and they like the airplanes. And then there's other people that watch it and they like the kiss between Tom Cruise and Kelly McGinnis. Me, I just like the volleyball game. I don't fucking with you. All right, thank you.

Listen to the podcast. Thank you to everybody who came out to Springfield, Boston and Bridgeport, Connecticut. My mind is blown that I was able to play in those venues. It was, it didn't even make sense. I felt like a fucking cartoon character. I never, never, never even thought I could ever do, would ever do something like that. So thank you so much. And everybody sagging on Michigan, you know, it's fucking amazing about sagging on Michigan.

Michigan, my great grandfather and grandmother had a house in Saginaw, Michigan. And I'm going to drive and take a picture of it for some of my relatives because they want to see if it's still the same thing. But they lived there like a fucking hundred years ago. See, you never know. Probably has solar panels on it. Somebody knocked it down and made a McMansion, a fucking hot tub and shit in there. Who knows? But I'm really looking forward to because I've never performed in Saginaw, Michigan.

So we're all bringing our A game. Me, Verzi, Bartnick, Saginaw, Michigan. The next day we're going to the big house. So you're there at the tailgate. All right. Look for two bald guys and one fucking giant, Camille looking guy. We'll be hammered. We'll see you there.

Check in on you on Thursday.