Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-9-17

Episode Date: October 9, 2017

Bill rambles about the Swamp, Rosie the Riveter and the Coast Guard.

ine Traditions and customs, Anders-Maricny As long as you enjoy the buzz, with whom you will be awkward Pass, Prince or Vincent? Chocolate, aggiangs Talals in the promo, so here I hopped on my consequences What am I really going to 저? Noem El Erk

We will hit the jackpot Ramadan mouhria Making excitement about lame and Ramadan With the surprising and different minds of Albert Heim And look for the second episode male to male On The Superworld in the little point BE That is a pleasure from Albert Heim Hey, what's going on?

Hey, baby It's the Monday morning podcast For October 8, 2017, what's going on? Yes, I'm singing a little bit of Tom Petty I was lucky enough to be at the Florida Gators game in the swamp Against the yellows, Luke Taggers And, uh, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad That, fuckin'

SCC football 80,000 people, whatever the fuck it is, goin' absolutely apes shit And they had this great tribute, which I'm sure some of you saw the clips Uh, online Of, uh, the whole stadium saying, I won't back down It was fuckin' odd, you know? It sucks, the guy died You know?

But he leaves all that great music and all that What I, what I Yeah, it's a great fuckin', that's a great life You know what I mean? Considering all this shit that fuckin' happens nowadays The fact that that guy was able to make it into his 60s The very least, still sucks, he died, you know? But whatever, it was a great, it was fuckin' awesome

You know, it was hilarious as if you were there Everybody sang this shit out of that first verse And then when the second verse came along You, you saw the radio fans and then the real Tom Petty fans, right? Everybody knew the first verse They were like, well, I won't back down No, I, stay, I don't know the words, stay in my ground And then all of a sudden, the fuckin' everybody knew the words

Hey, baby, right, and then it gets to the second verse Listen to it, everybody's just kind of Well, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I Everybody's just waiting for that Hey, baby, there ain't no easy way out, right? So, um, anyways, we went to the swamp Out there in, uh, in, uh, Gainesville, Georgia Where, uh, Tom Petty is from, evidently

I didn't, I didn't know that till he died And, uh, I knew he was from Florida Um, you had another great musician from Florida, right? You had all the fuckin' almond brothers from down there You got Tom Petty I don't know where the heartbreakers were from, but, you know I mean, he met him, so they had to be somewhere in there, Florida, right? Somewhere in the fuckin' lower 48

But, um, Jesus Christ did, uh, did that stadium Ben Hill fuckin' stadium, the, AKA the swamp Did that thing ever live up to its fuckin' name? My God We had upper deck seats, and, um, it was, uh, It was, uh, it was just fuckin', it was ridiculous First of all, we go up there and they had, like, the aluminum seats up top Just like the old Patriot stadium, you know?

And if you stood up during the wintertime When everybody had the big winter coats on If you stood up too long after a good play Or most likely a disappointing play back then When you went to sit back down, you lost your seat And then you, you were just sort of standing up You couldn't sit down and then people would pelch you with hot dogs And fuckin' snowballs and all that shit

And you know what you did? You laughed And all your friends laughed at ya You didn't make a fuckin', you didn't have a cell phone to make a video And turn yourself into a victim You know? So, um, anyways, uh, we were sittin' up there You literally had to just walk back into the tunnel

And with all that heat comin' off the field And all those people there, like, literally Where you walked into the stadium became like a wind tunnel So, and I was goin' out there, man And I'mma tell you right now, there was a bunch of people Just fuckin' sittin' down All shapes and sizes, all ages From kids all the way to old people

Just sittin' down like, yo, I gotta take a good fuckin' ten minute break here Or I think I'm gonna fuckin' die And then, mercifully, the sun started to go, by the way, it's October It's October, it felt like fuckin' August And, um, the sun finally went down And, uh, it was a great game I know, you know, the Gators were missin' their, uh, startin' quarterback And I also know, obviously, LSU had that horrible fuckin' loss last week

To the Trojans, Troy And, um, so it was a big win for them It was just a fuckin', it was a great game Unfortunately, that kid missed that field goal Everyone's chantin' his name Eddie, Eddie You know? I don't know what happened, the fuckin' kid missed the extra point

Which kinda sucked, cause I would've loved to see him over time But, uh, there was this one LSU fan, this old guy Just, he was fuckin' hilarious Even like the eight Gator fans, as annoying as he was He was just this old guy and he would do these stupid dances Whenever LSU had, like, a big play He looked ridiculous and was making a complete ass of himself All the while having the best time of his life

And, uh, I don't know, it's just one of those great fuckin' moments Why you go to sports and all that shit And, uh, you know, we had a great time We didn't even pay for fuckin' parking either And then we found out why afterwards, because we were so buried in Um, but, uh, it was just awesome To finally go to their legendary school, legendary fuckin' field And I actually learned this about that field

Is that that field is in, like, the top 20 biggest stadiums in the United States Um, here they are right here Michigan, number one Number two, Penn State Then Ohio State, Texas A&M, Tennessee Uh, LSU Alabama University of Texas, USC, Georgia

That's the top 10 Then UCLA, the Cotton Bowl, Nebraska, Florida comes in at number 14 And I was pretty psyched As far as the top 10, I've been to every fuckin' one of those stadiums Except for Penn State And, uh, let's see the other one Michigan, Texas A&M, Tennessee I haven't been to Tennessee

So I gotta fuckin' knock those out, alright? I gotta try to do that shit I know, it's fuckin' stupid shit But this is what this podcast is This podcast is stupid shit Alright? Stupid shit that doesn't fuckin' matter And then listen to me, you know?

All these fuckin' assholes, you know? I've been gettin' letters lately Of really heavy variety I don't fuckin' do that on here You're listening to the wrong fuckin' podcast There's enough of that out there This place is to forget your fuckin' troubles Fuckin' asshole, some douchebag sent me this fuckin' email

The name of the email was Fuck America And then he goes on to present his argument about gun control It's like, buddy, you started it off with Fuck America Like, how is the people that you want to listen to this Going to listen to it after that? So I won't be reading that one You know what I mean? At least fuckin' people screamin' and fuckin' yellin'

About this and about that You know what I mean? Every time there's a big fuckin' tragedy You know what I love now? I love how everybody's got a fuckin' way in now, right? And then, like, it becomes... My favorite things is celebrities react to the hurricane You know what I mean?

Like, oh, oh, good I need to know what J.Lo thinks about a category five Oh, was she upset that that happened in Houston? Who wouldn't be? Who the fuck wouldn't be? I don't fuckin' I just don't understand why they do that I've never fuckin' understood They'll be like a fuckin' earthquake

And then it's always, like, hashtag fuckin' Thinking about, you know, wherever the fuckin' earthquake hit You know what's funny about those fuckin' accounts? Most of those, like, if you're smart, I guess You don't do your own account You have somebody else do it So whenever anything bad happens They actually had somebody else doing it for the person

So they don't get in trouble They don't say the wrong fuckin' thing I just... Everything has just become that I missed that whole story about Cam Newton He said some smart, out of the way thing To a fuckin' female reporter Right?

And rather than her just settling with him Being like, hey, Cam, why don't you go fuck yourself? And then they laugh it off And they both drink a Bud Light or something, a Miller Light Like they used to, how it used to go down All of a sudden now, he showed up to the game today For some reason, dressed like a pimp Like a, I don't know what

And then he's got like a fuckin' Rosie the Riveter D... I'm thinking that he's gonna say All these positive shit about women I don't, I just, I don't fuckin' I don't under, like, it's just one fuckin' apology After another Meanwhile, the world is going to hell

In a fuckin' handbasket And I gotta fuckin' sit here And I'm gonna watch that I need to see the resolution of that Like these two fucking adults Cannot solve this Amongst themselves I swear to God, I was half listening to Cam Newton

I swear to God, he was talking to Rosie the Riveter As if it was a real person Am I out of my mind? Or wasn't that like a caricature That represented women working in World War II? Was there really a woman named Rosie? And her middle name was the And the last name was Riveter?

I might be wrong, you know? By all means, let me look this up Before I have to have a press conference And fuckin' apologize to somebody Here we go Rosie the Riveter Rosie the Riveter All right, Rosie the Riveter is a cultural icon

Yeah, I swear to God, he was fuckin' talkin' like it was a My poll, maybe he wasn't That will be fuckin' hilarious And lastly, I'd like to apologize to Rosie the Riveter I know she did a lot of things She riveted a lot of rivets Back down there by the river And I apologize

Here's something I wish people in the press could do I wish they could get their balls broken a little bit more Especially if you kinda go in the locker room You know what I mean? If you're gonna fuckin' go in there People are gonna bust your chops Like the athletes Like they should be able to sit there and be like

What did you say you bald fat fuck Who couldn't run 30 yards without having a heart attack? What was your question about my decision in the second quarter? Why can't they do that? I don't understand why they can't do that What'd you say, lady? You addressed me as Ms. Sports Reporter Ah, go fuckin' fuck yourself

That stupid ass story will get more fuckin' coverage Than pharmaceutical companies Basically being heroin dealers You know what I mean? They're not gonna fuck with that Cause they advertise on that channel But God forbid Somebody throws one high and tight at somebody

With a fuckin' clam on all of a sudden Oh, Jesus, the whole fuckin' world stops I'm not sayin' he shouldn't apologize They should fuckin' handle it This thing, he didn't say it to me The fuck am I sittin' there watchin' it for? I don't know He lost like advertising money

I mean, who can even fuckin' remember Like, you know, the only one thing I can ever remember This is some of the greatest advertising, I guess Because I can remember Was Shaquille O'Neal did a bunch of Buick ads And that was the funniest fuckin' thing ever Cause, and a lot of people instantly when they saw that It's like Shaq doesn't drive a fuckin' Buick

It's one of the top 50 NBA players of all time The fuck did he do with his money That he's driving a Buick Even if he blew all his goddamn money From being a player, he's still got a TV gig He's not driving a Buick He can't even fuckin' fit in one Maybe that fuckin' roadmaster from back in the 50s

Cut the roof off a Riviera maybe I don't know Take out the front seat, he could sit in the back end I don't know Um, actually Shaq is memorable I don't know why He does that and then he has the one with the little monopoly guy The general

Which just looks like the cheesiest fuckin' insurance ever You know, and then Shaq does that, you know I'm not really smiling, I'm just smiling Cause I'm gonna get paid, you know Where he has the under and the overbite He just puts his top teeth on his bottom teeth Um, I don't know what the fuck I'm talkin' about I use, like I said, I usually don't fuckin' do these

When I fly on the same date I just, of course, I have no fuckin' time I have a million fuckin' things to do Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, what else, what else, what else Oh, should I address this? I will address this The big fuckin' story that everybody's talkin' about out there I am of the firm fuckin' belief I am of the firm fuckin' belief

This is a new theory, I'm not sayin' I'm right But I am of the fuckin' belief That the fuckin' attention that they give to these fuckin' lunatics Is why, more than ever, people do that lunatic shit Like, do you remember when Kim Kardashian She made that sex tape and then all of a sudden Somebody got ahold of it and then it went out there And then it became like this porno tape

And up until then, that was unbelievably embarrassing And it fuckin' ruined you and then that was it That was fuckin' it But somehow, she came out the other side With the TV show and it's now like a fuckin' Again, Icon, multi-fuckin' millionaire And right after that happened, what happened? A bunch of women who wouldn't have done that shit

Went out and tried to do that shit because they saw it And what stopped it was none of them fuckin' made it However, if they started fuckin' making it And started gettin' attention the way these lunatics do I saw in the cover of People Magazine They're like, oh, and this is the deadliest Yada, yada, yada of all fuckin' time You're givin' these fuckin' lunatics a number

To now shoot for Cause the same way I sat on TV, I sat at home on TV And I'm sayin', oh, look at that stand That list, that have comedy, that looks cool I wanna fuckin' do that Lunatics wanna do this other shit I am of a firm fuckin' belief They should not fuckin'

Shouldn't say the dude's name That's it You go in, you whack the guy You throw him in a fuckin' incinerator And then you throw his ashes in a fuckin' sewer That's it All right, and then you take care Of whoever got fuckin' hurt, that's what you do

All right, but all this fuckin' shit That you then put it on the top And then, you know, one of these fuckin' channels They're gonna do like, they do it with the serial killers You know, you never know the victim's names You just know that those fuckin' people And all the fuckin' celebrities, you know Who, if they even run their goddamn accounts

Then they gotta fuckin' comment about it The celebrity reaction to the tragedy Where they weren't at You know something else? Fuck it, I'm on a ramp You know what else I liked? I liked all these douchebags Who were taking videos of themselves

They weren't anywhere near it Hey, just letting everybody know that I'm all right It's like, yeah, dude You're 20 fuckin' miles down the street Who the fuck even knew you were there? Who are you making this for? You can't just text your friends And be like, yeah, dude, I'm cool

I don't know Everything has gotta be about Everybody's gotta make it about themselves I fucking, it drives me up the fucking wall Drives me up the fucking wall I have no solution for this shit But I do firmly fucking believe That they have to stop making these fucking lunatics famous

And ranking, you know, the body count I might be wrong The fuck do I know? I'm a comedian, okay? I'll apologize next week I'll wear a fuckin' a Ted Bundy button on a pimp hat And I'll fuckin' apologize to somebody, I guess I don't know what

All right, there you go I'm done, I'm done with my fuckin' rant there Anyways, what else? What else? So, yes, I went to the fuckin' The Tampa Bay Buccaneers game That shit just drives me nuts It's not about so-and-so's fuckin' reactions

It's about the people that were there And then the people who came in And fuckin' helped the people It's not about the lunatic that did it It's about those people That's what it's about It's not about you down the street No, I was fuckin' there

And I fuckin' the DJ stopped playing records And I was like, whoa, what's going on? Anyways, I had a... I went to the fuckin' Buccaneers game The pirate ship one, not the choo-choo train It's very confusing for Boston sports fans, okay? We got one with a pirate ship, one with a choo-choo train And our fans were fuckin' great

Great goddamn fans, love the stadium And you know what's funny? You could tell that they built the pirate ship first And then they put the flat screen, the giant screen afterwards Because the Buccaneers won Super Bowl, I believe, the 2002 season And I vaguely remember them

They brought the flag up And they put it up on the ship, which was cool You know what I mean? The Buccaneers, their pirates, whatever, they got the ship or whatever, right? But now they got this giant flat screen So the fuckin' championship flag was blocking the TV screen

So now their Super Bowl flag is made out of mesh And it's difficult to see It's like you won a Super Bowl It should be a giant fuckin' flag It should move the ship Or fuckin' put the championship flag somewhere else Maybe they have another one, I couldn't see it But that struck me as funny

You know what I mean? It also made me like Tampa Bay So I'm just going, look at these fuckin' gaonies They don't have a zillion dollars They're just adding on to this thing Like somebody bought a house Then they got a little money They put a fuckin' addition on it

Somebody bought a boat Then a recession happened Then he came back to the good times He bought a big fuckin' TV And then they got a Justice Sales You know what's why? You ever see like a degenerate gambler sitting there playing cards?

You always see like signs of when they won They'll have like a really shiny bracelet You know, dirty hat But like $500 sunglasses It's just like, it's up and down Up and down, up and down Look, the whole fuckin' wardrobe Dirty jeans with like a fuckin'

We're in a mink Anyway, so we went there, had a great time Was embarrassed by this one Patriots fan Who just would not sit down He was just fuckin' You know, this guy weighed like 140 pounds And he never got the shit kicked out of him Clearly, and he just wouldn't sit down

And people are arguing Well, it's his right if he wants to stand up It's like, but this, you know This guy, he brought his girlfriend She's short, she can't see around him There's nobody standing in front of him And this Patriots fan was like, you know Threatening to punch him in his for god

But I punched you right in your fuckin' ear It was really like Patriots fans arguing with Patriots fans It was fuckin' hilarious And I saw that We even won the game when we came out of the stadium And I saw there was a group of fuckin' Patriots fans And they were like arguing with each other And I just heard vaguely, or this guy going

Dude, why can't I wear a Teddy Bruce key jersey? What the, if you can fuckin' wear it And then they just kinda walk by But anyways, it was a great time And we had a great show out there And then the next day, old sober bill 53 fuckin' days in We rode up to the swamp

And listened to Ozzy on the way up Because on the way up there, you kinda go You get like within like 10 miles, I think If you take the 75 north of where Randy Rhodes died So we listened to some early Ozzy Early solo Ozzy, I should say On the way up and just had a great time Pulled in fuckin' smoked a cigar

Had a great fuckin' time Got to go to another SEC game It was a great time Definitely a great time So thank you everybody who came out I will definitely be back I think the next time I come back Maybe I'll go back for Florida State

I've been to Miami, I've been to I've been to the Gator So the only thing left really is Florida State And then there's that one like, is it Central Florida? There's another one that always has a lot of NFL players Is it Southern Florida? Something like that? I can't remember

Whatever, whatever, I'll figure it out No, that Patriots fan wouldn't sit down He had a Tom Brady fuckin' jersey on in salmon shorts And everybody was going, don't you sit down Don't you sit the fuck down? First time somebody said sit down And he turns around and goes, you asked me nicely Little shit, little fuckin' guy

And not like a stocky Not like a tie-dome-built little guy This was just a slight man And I don't know Was takin' sports way too seriously I remember we got a first down Like a big first down at the end of the game And he did like that, you know that

Remember that Jordan thing that he would do? We'd make a fist and he fuckin' bring his arm up You know, when he sank the fuckin' shot and it was over He fuckin' did that You know, when the Patriots got a first down He had fuckin' lower jaw sticking out And shit, I don't know what the fuck Just lookin' at him, lunatic

And he just wouldn't sit down And finally Bartonet got him to sit down I can't tell you what he said I can tell you what it started with He said, hey, Giselle Sit the fuck down And I can't say the rest Cause everybody, you know, everybody

Everybody gets all fuckin' uptight now But you know what? It was effective He sat the fuck down And did not get up for the rest of the game And when he did, a few times he got up On big plays and everybody else got up And he sat down

And then he was finally a fuckin' gentleman about Here's an interesting question Paul Verzi asked me on the ride back He goes, do you believe in destiny? And I told him no He goes, no, I'm just askin' Like, do you believe, like, Michael Jordan was destined To be the greatest basketball?

And I was like, no, I don't I don't And he was sayin' that he did That he believed that it's just You have your destiny And one of your destiny is, like, that's what the fuck Your destiny is And I just don't believe that

I don't You know what I mean? I think you're born with a talent And if you work your fuckin' ass off You can make it happen However How fucked up the world is There's a bunch of people that can take your destiny away from you

Like, you can fuckin' have, you know Your destiny is to be whatever You're gonna be a doctor and fuckin' blah, blah, blah, blah And then you go out one day, you drive down the street And you get hit by a drunk driver and you die So, like, that was your destiny Was to get hit by a drunk driver I don't think that, I don't think it is

I don't think it is I think if the world was a perfect place Everybody would reach their potential But, you know, I've said this before Like, the world doesn't give a shit about your dream Whether it comes true or not It fuckin' sucks And even if you make all the right choices

And all that shit, you know Some fuckin' lunatic can, you know Take it away from you So, see, this is why I don't talk about that shit All you cunts askin' me about it I don't wanna fuckin' talk about it If the world is depressing enough as it is Alright, the All Things Comedy

Fuckin' Festival podcast read We're having our first All Things Comedy festival At the end of the month, October 26th to the 29th In Phoenix, Arizona I'm gonna be there recording my first ever Live Monday morning podcast I don't know how I'm gonna do it If I'm gonna dress the crowd

If I'm just gonna come walkin' out If I don't know what I'm gonna fuckin' do Doug Stanhope, the great Doug Stanhope The legendary Doug Stanhope The national treasure That is Doug Stanhope He's doing his podcast at the Orpheum Theater Bert Kreischer, Ari Shafid

Jen Kirkman and The Crab Feast Are also on the lineup Basically, we're takin' over downtown Phoenix With the pop-up podcast studio And the whole network is going to be there If you're in the Phoenix area, come hang out with us Go to allthingscomedy.com to get your tickets I can't wait to do this, man

This is gonna be fun as hell It's really gonna be fun as hell I know this has been like a fucked up podcast Cause I'm tryin' to talk around a lot of shit And yet another one of my fuckin' friends died Co-workers died and it's just fuckin' Fuckin' sucks It sucks

You know, Ralphie May, the great Ralphie May Unfortunately passed away this weekend And just legit, legit, legit fuckin' murderer That guy just fuckin' killed He killed him the first time I saw him I think it was Was it the late 90s when he came out? I believe it was the late 90s, he came out

And there was already another comic there Bigger guy, Ron Lester Who also has since fuckin' passed away, unfortunately Which I didn't even realize he died last year So rest in peace to him And, you know, those big guys had to deal with, like, clubs They kinda had this thing where they just, you know They had their big guy comic

And so it was like weird They almost were like in competition with each other And then Ron ended up getting all this acting work And he just sort of stopped doing stand-up But Ralphie came in and just was just a fuckin' Was a force to be dealt with And, you know, that just fuckin' sucks Remember, he was always telling me he was gonna teach me how to

Smoke meat or whatever like that, you know Because he was just going, you don't know how to do it, Billy He's like, you're from fuckin' Massachusetts, I'm from Tennessee I'm gonna show you how to do it, blah, blah, blah And of course, we both got busy We never got around to doing it And I know he's got two little kids So, I imagine someone's putting together a benefit somewhere for it

So I imagine I'll be doing that, but, um Yeah, it was just a fuckin', just a fuckin' sad Sad time God damn it I remember I did the traveling virus tour with him I did a lot of gigs with that guy Like a lot of those sort of, you know I don't know, he was much younger than me

Not much, I'm 49, he was 45 We came up roughly He started younger than I did, that's what it was Because we both kind of started at the same time, I wanna say So, um He was always as seasoned as I was So I always felt, I felt like we were the same age Even though I was older than he was

So as we went up, just a lot of comedy festivals A lot of tours The tours always got better He was the guy that told you this, he was... Ralphie May was the fuckin' guy I remember I did this gig, Chilkoot Charlies Which is a great gig, but the fuckin' accommodations Was the worst accommodations I ever had

It was up in Alaska and I showed up and the bed literally was broken And it looked like It looked like the bedbugs, like Left Like they couldn't hack it, we're like, fuck this And I remember the boards were busted and the mattress was like Fuck it And I had a giant crease in it and shit and I was

You know Raised Catholic or whatever, so rather than expressing that you didn't like it You just took it and just was like, alright I gotta be tough, I gotta fuckin' I told you, the first night I spent in fuckin' My walkthrough bedroom, my first night in New York City I felt this thing on my chest and I turned on the light And there was a roach crawling across my chest and I flicked it off my fuckin' chest

I didn't even kill it, I just thought it was like, oh this is what I gotta I gotta like, I gotta get myself tough enough to handle this Like I'm gonna live with bugs crawling over me Yeah, I'm a fuckin' lunatic, I don't know what So anyway, so I do the gig and I stay in that shit hole So I end up going down to the laugh factory Like a week or ten days later and I walk and Ralphie was always hangin' out Always did the work, you know, and I came down and he was just like

Hey Bill, what's up? I say, hey man, he goes, where you comin' from? That's what we always asked each other There was certain guys, you know, that were just road dogs Hedberg, Ralphie, Stan Hope, Geraldo Like these were the guys, every time I went to a fuckin' club Um, they either were just there or they were gonna be there the next week I just, when I was comin' up, we were all kinda close in the same rooms Like Hedberg was a little bit ahead of me, as was Stan Hope

Um, and those, but those, they were roughly my age And those were guys that I really looked up to as far as like, you know, they were just They were like, they started a few years before me So they were just sort of cutting this path And their style is like, I wanna do that I wanna say what the fuck I wanna say on stage I don't wanna do what they're doing, I wanna, you know, be who the fuck I am The way they are was basically it

So anyways, we used to always ask each other, where you comin' from? Where you goin' or whatever, right? Whenever I ran into any of those guys And um, so I run into Ralphie and he goes, where you comin' from? I was like, ah, I did that gig up in Alaska, Chilku Charlie He's like, ah, fuck, I did that gig, great gig I was like, yeah, great gig, and I was like, Jesus Christ, I go, how about that comedy condo? And Ralphie got this serious look on his face, he goes, he goes, I didn't stay there I go, what do you mean? He goes, man, he goes, I took one, look at that place

He goes, I'm not stayin' here, and they got me a hotel room And I just looked in, and I said, you can do that? And he laughed, he goes, yeah, he goes, what the fuck are they gonna do? He goes, it's Alaska They're gonna get another fucking comedian to fly six hours all the way up there Have some Lumberjack go on stage and tell some street jokes He's like, just say no And that was one of those things I fucking learned

I was just like, all right, and after that, after that, if I went someplace I just, and it was a shit all, I just said no And if they just said, we're not payin' for a hotel room, I said, you know what? I'm gonna, I'm gonna pay for a fucking hotel room And it was worth it To just be able to go back to a fucking place where you felt safe And you didn't feel like there was gonna be bugs crawlin' on you Or somebody jizzed all over the fucking bar

God knows what, fucked some chick on a period Not even gonna tell you that fucking story, every comedian knows that fucking one That goddamn fucking crime scene Cleaning lady quit The big rumor was the blood stains were still on the fucking windowsill Swear to God, this is all, this is all, this is not myths So goddamn it, Ralphie, I'm gonna miss you, buddy Ah, fuck, anyways, all right, let's go

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That's helix sleep.com slash burr for $50 off your order helix sleep.com slash burr. All right. Let's go to the questions for the week All right, fuck you america. I'm not reading that one Um, are my mom and her boyfriend being selfish or am I? Uh, by the way, the person won't fuck you america. I'm not saying that you didn't make some decent points there But it's a waste of time for you to write that for me to read it after you write that All right, why don't you grow the fuck up And uh come up with a more mature title and I'll read that one. How about that? How about that? How about that and then I'll wade into the topic of gun control is if I know a fucking thing about it or even have a solution

Are my mom and her boyfriend being selfish or am I dear bill? I'm 19 And live at home working to get this carpenters apprenticeship With a local union and please don't say my name on the podcast. Well, why would you give me your name? You fucking moron? Um about two months ago my mom's boyfriend started coming over and staying over to a point where he was practically living there gross Uh, they would stay here in this place They would stay here in his place exactly half the time the first three days he was here I heard their headboard day and night

I was like who the fuck is this guy? Oh my god Oh boy. Oh boy. My mom said they had been friends for a year now, but only went on two dates I asked her to have him not be here as much and if she could just come home without him I don't want him. I don't want to talk to my mom with this guy right fucking there Nothing changed until one night. I snapped and went on a rampage My mom called the cops on me that night and now the half the time they would they would have spent here Is just my mom now But here's the kicker. So that's good. You got him out of the house, but here's the kicker two weeks later. He proposed

Oh boy when my mom talked to me about it She asked if I had a problem with her wearing the ring Literally the question was only about the ring not the engagement I feel totally disrespected by him and my mom for not seeing that this guy has no respect for her son I've decided to join the coast guard because the union stuff is taking too long I would have just moved in with my dad if every day he didn't Just bring out how much of a bitch my mom is Jesus Christ, dude. This is awful, man I'm sorry you're going through this and now his life sucks and it can't and I can't be around that

I'm ready to walk away And just drop my family entirely entirely my mom swears this guy's a super super nice But he doesn't give a fuck about her life as a mother and subsequently me or maybe i'm wrong I just wanted to get another opinion because I'm ready to just cut off everyone in my family and walk away Thanks to go fuck yourself. Well, it's your mom and your dad. You don't want to do that You know, I can see why you want to get out of the house when you hear somebody banging your fucking mother. I mean Jesus Christ Hey mom, how about doggy style? You know what I mean? You always got to be in the fucking missionary position

Um Something for Christ's sake. Can you slide down the bed a little more? Um All right, well until you move out, I would recommend getting some wireless headphones Maybe those Bose ones that block out the fucking noise. I don't know what to tell you dude Um, I wouldn't join the coast guard unless you wanted to Uh Well, the coast guard sounds that sounds like a great fucking job to me

Although I did fucking talk about, you know, that time I went on that thing about like whenever a fucking hurricane's coming or everybody's, you know Going to safety like how everybody in the coast guard is just like they got to be on pins and needles because they know some dumb Fuck's gonna take their stupid boat out there And then when they fuck up and then they call to rescue them these poor men and women gonna have to go out and go fish them out Um All right, so what are you asking me here? I would not cut out your mother and your father. Um I would talk I would communicate to your mother How you feel about that guy and how you don't feel that he respects you

Okay, and that's the reason you're leaving I guess and then I would talk to your dad saying you know dad I would love to stay with you But all you do is bitch and say what a bitch my mother is and she's my mom and I'm sick of listening to it All right, just try to say it in a nicer fucking way, but um I know it doesn't sound like they're hearing you Uh Fuck but here's the thing dude If you're gonna you can't you got to fucking clear the air with them because you can't go into the coast guard

In angry fucking lunatic because what's gonna happen is you're gonna get into a fight or something because you're pissed off at that fucking douche who's banging your mom And then that's going to affect your career. So uh This is something that I've been working on. This is fucking brutal Uh forgiving people Like that guy you got a somewhere in your head and just forgive the guy for being a fucking moron And so you get that off of you And uh

You know when you forgive somebody it does it does a lot for you It gets it off of you and then What you should be focusing on is trying To figure out what your dream is and start walking towards it every day And uh and creating a life That isn't like what you grew up with So your kid someday doesn't have to fucking deal with what you dealt with And uh, you know, and that doesn't happen overnight

And the mistakes I made was I went out thinking all right I want to I want to change all this about what I didn't like about growing up But then what happens is you grew you gravitate towards what's familiar and you end up I think you kind of go out and recreate it Um inevitably and then you have to dismantle that and start over at least that's what happened to me I'm superimposed whatever the fuck happened to me, but uh Um, I wouldn't come at your mother or you or your dad with anger. I would just say listen. I uh I

I forgive you I forgive you. I'm not happy with this. I forgive you. I understand you got to try to do what's right for you But this bothered me because x y and z And just say tell your dad said dad, you know, so I gotta forgive you for something and now get his attention I forgive you for every time that I came over here and you went on and on about and what a fucking bitch my mother was all right I did a lot of damage and it did so much damage that I have to sit here and try to figure out how to forgive you for that And then just stop talking and listen to what he says

Okay, if he's any sort of a man his head's gonna drop and he's gonna fucking apologize to you and you can you know And I'm not saying then it all the anger you're gonna have towards him goes away right then you start that and if you guys work on Starting over from that point and really fucking work on it and really fucking communicate Um, hopefully you can go out into the world and not be an angry young man like I was because I heard a lot of people Um, all right, there you go. All right problem with girlfriend Dear billiam, I have a big problem with my girlfriend with my lady Lady in red She's coming to me

I have a big problem with my girlfriend. Um, if we've been dating well, we've been dating for the past three years And I think I might want to marry her Um, but for the last month or so we've been having a fight My sister and I are very close and since my parents died last year in a car crash We moved in together which for some reason pissed her off. I don't know why Well, I mean, where were you living before that? She probably after three years wanted you to move in with her Probably wants a goddamn ring Um

Then for some reason the fact that my sister and my best friend still smoke pot And that they are Do it then for some reason the fact that my sister and my best friend still smoke pot And that they are dating as well. Oh, she doesn't like that either Um, I would admit it was weird for me at first, but I got used to it Anyway, the fight was about the fact that she wants to move in That she wants me to move in with her. Yeah, obviously But I don't want to and she refuses to move in with me as long as my sister is there

I do love her and all that stuff, but this is something that I just can't do My sister is in a very fragile place right now and my girlfriend Can't get that or won't I don't know what to do if possible. Can you ask neah? I feel like women wouldn't understand better. Well, she's downstairs dealing with my daughter. Um Here's the deal with women they they they work on a different clock than we do All right, so you just took three years of her life All right, and all she's hearing is you know, you know that story the telltale heart under the floorboards That's that that's their fucking womb

All right, they have a finite amount of time where they can have kids All right before you have to start doing some buck Rogers shit Okay, and women do not want to go through that if they don't have to all right So what she needs out of you is some sort of fucking commitment All right, and she was looking for that after three years the fact that all she wanted to do is move in She's being pretty cool. She should probably be going for the fucking ring depending on how old you are Um, and what I would do with if I was you dude, I would man the fuck up and either commit with to her I'd break up with her one or the other

um Although the wild card is Is that your parents died last year in a car crash? So You're probably not in a place emotionally to make that fucking decision Ah, Jesus christ, you know what fuck everything that I just said your parents died in a fucking car crash last year You got to look out for your family members and if she can't fucking understand that then uh I you know, I don't know what to tell you. I guess you got to figure out how much you're gonna find out how much you love her You know if if you got to let it go maybe you got to let it go. I don't know I have no fucking idea

um But I understand her side. I've invested three years in this And you moved in with another woman and it's your sister. That seems like a step backwards to her And then she has to move in She wanted to fucking She looks this chick wants to marry you So she wanted to move in and then have you guys have a bunch of communal stuff Because women think that if you do that that you're not gonna

There's a less of a chance that you're gonna break up with them They feel like it's moving in a positive direction and you went left You took a left hand turn but life gave you a fucking left hand turn So you're both not wrong Why don't you try that? Just say to her look you're not wrong for being mad at me And I'm also not wrong for taking care of my sister And then just stare at her and whoever talks first loses

Something along those lines you're not wrong and she's not wrong She's not wrong after three years to fucking be like what the fuck and you're not wrong for looking out for your sister When says something like tragic like that. This is fucking nothing but tragedy nowadays Jesus christ sorry that happens for you, sir Uh to you sir. All right geographically locked by marriage Jesus, there's just there's just no real light here. Uh, hi bill. Love your work. Thank you for the laughter Hey something positive

I've been in a relationship since 2011 With a european woman That became a marriage. I'm originally from south america educated in the u.s Went to fancy school there mit look at you. You're smart bastard. They got my phd in europe. Whoa ladi da Spreading your brain all around the fucking world here Uh, we've been a solid couple Our glue was out of love from Mountaineering

Mountain climbing is that what that mountaineering? I didn't know what the fuck that is Is that some weird sex shit or does that mean you you fucking It's not rock climbing mountaineering you just walk up a mountain yodeling and outdoor sports the fuck is mountaineering mountaineering Jeep had a wagon here. I remember that I remember a mountain here mountaineering Wikipedia, uh, you always have the answers the term mountaineering describes the port the the sport of mountain climbing also rock climbing Is what people do at gyms now and mountaineering is if you actually go up a mountain. Okay, I get it

While some scholars identify mountaineering related activity is is climbing parentheses rock and ice and trekking up mountains others Are also adding backpacking hiking skiing Oh, jesus christ. I already see these groups. We're we're mountaineering too We just take a ski lift. All right mountaineering. All right Jesus christ, dude, what are you fucking james bond? Born in africa went to mit got your phd in europe your fucking client you climb mountains other outdoor sports How do you top mountaineering?

huh What do you do? I'm trying to think how you topped it as far as outdoor sports. Uh, but now things are, uh What else do you do you grab cobras by the fucking tail and kiss them on the back of the head? By now things are a bit sour What happened we we'd always been a solid couple our glue was out Our love for mountaineering outdoor sports, but now

Things are a bit sour. I don't see how I can have a career Here in this continent and she's a working class lady who would suffer a lot from moving I also have a good business possibility in my home country brazil Oh south america, I thought you said africa south america, um Okay, so you simply can't let that go. I developed somewhat somewhat of a scorn For the paperwork required to simply exit exist in europe and would rather be on my own live up to my own country Make my money and have the freedom to explore my vast underdeveloped continent But she wouldn't be able to come along also for my high tech education

most good jobs Are in the great us of a but i'm also burnt out With visas and permits and red flags. Uh, I don't think I have the strength to beg for a high tech job They will pay me less than my business in brazil other than that. We get along fine She's a solid partner, but not the type who would survive the third world I think it's a no-brainer, but i'm lost homebound and would love your thoughts. Thank you. Uh, Jesus I mean too, that's a huge you're gonna you're gonna ask a fucking comedian who doesn't know you to make that decision um

I think at the end of the day Whenever it comes down to stuff like this, you have to make decisions that are gonna make you happy all right If you don't you're not going to be happy and then you're going to make the person you're with miserable. However, if there's kids involved then You know, you got a man up and suffer. It doesn't sound like you got any fucking kids All right, if you're married to this woman and you don't have any fucking kids then, you know If you're going to start getting resentful and you're just going to argue and argue and argue all you guys are going to do is take

great years Young healthy fucking years of your life We should be having a good time and you're going to just make each other fucking miserable All right, so either you figure out how to fuck to stay with her or she comes along with you or you go your separate ways but um If you need to you know, because guys were not good sometimes expressing ourselves Maybe if you sit down before you talk to her you write down what would make you happy

You write down the points you want to make. I used to do this shit So I could I still haven't mastered this but so I could figure out how to fucking have a productive Confrontation and I would list all the points that I wanted to make I would list what I wanted and then I would draw a big Stupid smiley face reminding me not to be an angry cunt Um, so I don't know if that helps you. I hope it did So anyways As if there weren't enough tragedies this month my fucking

My fucking uh I don't want to happen. They didn't record the f1 race today. So I missed that japan one I did see the clip where for whatever reason Uh, louis hamilton And sebastian vettel were like in some meeting in front of all the other drivers like telling on each other You know, oh, he took his steering wheel off The other guy's like, oh, he took his seatbelt off. It was loose That just made me I just I just I swear to god man

I it's like f1 is that like the soccer of of motorsports I can't but we were kind of a fucking I don't understand people who they they have the balls To drive 200 miles an hour on each other's fucking bumpers Staring death in the face and then they go in there and they fucking telling on each other. I just that was really disappointing to see um I still love this sport. It's such a great fucking sport, but I don't know. You know what it is. Maybe it's just maybe that's just It's too much access. I don't need to see that shit. You know what I mean?

I don't need to see that fucking I don't need to know all the fucking ins and outs the rosy the rivers This guy fucking complained about this or that but anyways, congratulations to louis hamilton despite the fact you're telling on people in meetings Shamelessly, maybe that's like a fucking european thing like they just have different fucking Rules over there. You know what I mean? You can walk around in a banana hammock fucking speedo and that's just totally acceptable Fucking telling on people. I mean that was just I was embarrassing I don't know I don't fucking know why did I bring up how much I love boozing now

I'm just thinking about getting one of those custom mattresses Remember that thing where they used to have the lady jump it up and down On the mattress and the guy would have the glass of red wine and it wouldn't spill That's what I need. Um anyways, I start uh I got some acting work Coming up here over the next uh, I don't know four or five weeks So I got at least another 20 days on this whole not boozing thing

and um I'm actually really enjoying it. I've dropped some weight and shit. I I I do enjoy not drinking but I will tell you this It's just nighttime right now and it's fucking difficult. Oh, look who's here Hey, baby There ain't no easy way out I won't back down, you know, it's one of the great things I've ever seen in a sporting event Can you please say that again, it's do your impression of me again Well, one of the great things I've ever seen in a sporting event

The lovely Nia everybody Okay, dad Um, how you doing? I'm doing good. How you doing? I'm great Baby's asleep. Oh What's going on it's been a while. Yeah, I got her all amped up today. Didn't uh, yes, you did She had one nap for 30 minutes all day. That's ridiculous We were excited to see each other. Yeah, she was excited to see you. It was cute You guys are cute

Ah, that's ridiculous. I love that kid. Obviously. Um, oh What do you got here? Oh, I already read this one boo This guy won. All right. I I'll just paraphrase these two things. All right. Oh, you already did them. You don't have to go back Well, there was one guy, right He's his his mom. He's like 19 He lives at home and his mom has a new boyfriend and he could literally hear the headboard getting fucking. Yeah Terrible terrible, right? Yeah, and then if he go he'd go stay with his dad

But his dad is always talking about what a bitch is, you know the divorce. Oh, that's brutal Yeah, so now he's thinking of just like joining the fucking coast guard Just so he no, well, I mean if you want to but that seems like an awfully extreme What should you get a job at like child world? Maybe Yeah, definitely try to find his own place try to stay on land and work it out. Yeah, I think so I don't think that you have to join nothing. There's anything wrong with the coast guard I think the coast guard you guys gotta be raining pussy. It's gotta be How

You can't walk around in uniform. You're on a boat You could a bunch of other dudes Yeah, then you but you you're not like you're not out to see Just anytime. Oh, does it does it not count if you're on a boat? What do you mean? Just does what not count I don't know what you're saying. I mean you know

Oh, right, you know what I'm thinking. I'm thinking of the navy The coast guard is not the same as the navy No, it isn't what do you what do you when you said when you said it doesn't count? What do you what do you mean? What doesn't count? Like, you know, like when guys go to jail and stuff like it doesn't count like you're not like necessarily Are you talking about guys banging other guys? How did you get that? And what does it mean it doesn't count

To see whoever said where did you ever hear that? I feel like you have a bang a guy. Yeah, it didn't count. I was out on a lake No, I feel like for Sexually flexible men or whatever like if you're in an extreme situation like jail or out to sea What in god's name are you talking about? Like it doesn't necessarily these people they go out somebody tips over in an inner tube There's a drug dealer coming up. They go out and they fuck them up and then they come back. Yeah, they go on a patrol But this isn't like yeah, no, no, no, I got confused. I was I was thinking that it was like the navy

Why aren't you like out on a boat like for months? Yeah, but the navy then out there fucking each other They come into port and then they bang a bunch of why was there a song in the navy you can help your fellow man Isn't that That was the village people All right, do you think native americans are gay because that one guy with the headdress was going macho macho man But they were singing about like guy stuff like places where there's

groups of men Together listen. I've been to the ymca. I never fucked another guy I went there and I used their unbelievably old workout equipment I played some pickup hoop I didn't see any gay sex happening there All right, well fine. Obviously the coast guard is not the same as the navy But I was just saying that if it was it would be fine Because it doesn't count because you're out to sea and like you're just not around

Your normal element and it's like are you like high right now? Oh, I swear to god. I'm not high. I know I sound really high right now But I'm not but like She's getting over being sick by the way. This isn't like some smoker thing with her. Um Yeah, because they're gonna be like oh, she's got a smoker's cough. Um, no, I just Uh, I don't know my point is I don't know what my point was But I was saying you know my thing is the navy. No, I feel like oh, he's joining the coast guard He's joining the coast guard. I figured that's that's like a fucking uh Like if you meet somebody in a bar, I would think as a woman the guy said he's in the coast guard

That's like being like, you know women like firemen. It's like you're a fireman except you're fucking on a boat Yeah, no, that's hot. Yeah, and you're like going there you go. Yeah, it's hot. That's what that's what I was talking about You don't have to go talk about jail sex I don't know where the fuck that came from Isn't it enough this kid has to think up we hear his mother getting banged up against the fucking headboard You got to bring up fucking prison sex You know this podcast has taken a lot of left turns throughout the years that was one of the bigger ones All right, well

You don't have to join the coast guard just to get away from your but maybe you do. I don't know What does the coast guard do? They're like the cops of the water, right? Okay This is who I married everybody Is when you thought she was the brains of the outfit We have a child that we're gonna raise. What is the coast guard? Oh wait, that's right. Um, aren't they like the cops of the water? Hey, do they get upset when there's like a tornado and a tornado? Look I'm a fucking hurricane. Hey settle down water That'll be enough of that No, they actually do a lot of badass shit. They people they they save people's lives

They fly out there and fire all these fucking dopes, but they are the cops of the water I mean, they would be insulted to hear me say that a nicer way to say is they guard the shores of this great country Can they oh, that's nice. Can they arrest? Oh Good, it's only fucking that guy from uh christian mail. Yeah. Oh good for you Um, do can they arrest you? The coast guard? Yes I Would love to see you with a giant shipment of drugs when they pulled up who are you guys

Do you guys I kept sex with each other? Oh, you're the coast guard. Oh wait, you're like the cops of the water Wait, can you arrest me? I would pay a fucking all the money in the world just to see the look on their fucking face I know I'm insulting so many coast guard members officers Wow Officers No, there's all different ranks. I imagine there's there's semen. Keep your mind out of the gutter

All the way up to officers as captains You want me? Hey, why don't we do this? You know, nia when when when I don't know stuff I just asked the internet And whoever made a page on it, then I just go. Oh, that's what it is That's what it is. Okay The coast guard Let's get it. Let's get a I gotta go wiki on this so they'll actually help me out here. All right Okay, the united states coast guard is a service

Uh chief and highest ranking member. Oh, this is the commandant of the coast the united states coast guard. Sorry Your phone is vibrating over the united states coast guard is a branch Of the united states armed forces and one of the country's army Nia you you you you can't save everything by saying of the water Nia you've been watching the Kardashian show way too fucking much here All right Jesus all right one second the coast guard is a maritime military multi-mission service unique among the u.s Uh military branches for having maritime law enforcement. Can they arrest people?

With jurisdiction in both domestic and international waters now. There's a big one. I didn't know international So you can't like outrun these fuckers and then just sit there and make faces at them the second you get out in international waters I didn't know that Then a federal regular. I thought once you went out in international waters. It was captain's captain's law, right? captain's log And a federal regulation admission is part of the mission it's mission set It operates under the u.s. Department of Homeland Security during peacetime and can be transferred to the u.s. Department of the navy All right, i'm gonna stop. No, no, you're right. So I didn't realize that they were then activated

I thought they were like the like Sort of the farm team Like triple a of the navy of the water Love the water. Yes You know, there's a lot of people laughing at us right now and they didn't know that they could be activated to the navy um All right, my point is I was just saying this has happened twice that they made part of the navy once in 1917 during world war one

And another time during world war two and that's obviously You know pearl harbor happened and then german u-boats, and I don't know what the fuck happened in world war one Were there wooden ships off our coast? right No, there weren't wooden ships at that point Although the the fucking biplanes were made out of like Kleenex. I think all right. I think that we've showed how dumb we are All right, that's the podcast everybody if you'd like to see this live If you would actually like to see this train wreck live once again all things comedy festival podcast

Uh, all things. Oh, what is all things comedy festival? Uh We are having this uh on october 20 26 through the 29th in phoenix, arizona I'm going to be at stand-up live on october 28th Doing this podcast live live live and there's been a lot of people requesting that you're there Really, but we got the kiddo. So I don't know if that happens. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know about that. Where is it? It's in arizona. You want to fly to arizona to do a podcast for free? Hey, how funny was it the other day? The other day when you were getting sad and you were starting to cry and I just kept making that sad face

Which would then make you laugh and then you couldn't cry I hate when neah cries because I don't know what to do. I told you that story big tears big tears, right? So She was talking I didn't know what the fuck she was talking something about our kid Yeah, you don't even know what it is that i'm talking about like you don't even care You're just like make it stop Don't do that. Yeah, all I did was she just started tearing up. She's like, you know I want to talk to you about something. I'm just worried in the future. She started doing that and when she did that I just made this I just looked at I made a little sad face

And then she looked up and saw me and you started fucking laughing What was funny is you had tears in your eyes, but you were laughing And then she she kept trying to go back to crying again. No, listen to me I'm just trying to stay and then I would make the sad face again Guys, you got to do that to your woman next time she gets no. Hey, look if it's something fucking serious It was something it was so you you know, it wasn't yes, it was it was silly It was serious. I thought it was trivial Not yeah, exactly see not everyone is going to be as you know

I thought it was trivial because it was coming out of your dumb head exactly exactly You don't even know what it was that I was concerned about you were concerned about the cops of the water You're laughing like you're baked wait a second So just the coast guard All that's it the ship is sailed no pun intended It's over well, maybe All right fine No, don't don't don't give someone the pouty face when they're coming to you crying about an emotional issue that they're feeling

That's a terrible. All right, then tell me what you were concerned about. I'll be a mature now. Good. What were you concerned about? It was about It's a good move because it keeps you happy. All right, that's the podcast That's the podcast. I know we have the creepy surveillance Looks like you shot her with like a dart or something Face down she's out Take some discovery channel when you want to tag an animal Um, all right, that's the podcast for this, uh, monday, uh, go fuck yourselves

I'll check in on you on thursday. Thank you. Everybody came out to the shows this week in uh this weekend in st Petersburg and uh, I had a great time once again out there Cigar capital Of the u.s. Nini. Oh, yeah, I was fucking tremendous. It was tremendous. All right. I'll see you guys We don't you guys see Dolls in the promo. Does he hit me up my luscious from all of them. I'm a two-man. Oh, I'm in the Eric van on zeer zalig pasen Geniet van pasen en ramadan met het verrassend en diverse assortiment van albert hein

And kijk zeker ook naar de tweede aflevering op de wereld in het klein punt b.e. That is it. Lekker van albert hein