Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-10-14

Episode Date: November 11, 2014

Bill rambles about Comics Come Home, plane crashes and going down on your boss.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, November 10th, 2014. How are you? How are you doing? What's going on? How was your weekend? Oh, did it go by too fast?

They always do, don't they? Those fucking days off, nothing flies by like a fucking day off. It's unbelievable. What the fuck does it work like then? Why shouldn't a day off go by just as slow? If there's any sort of like just fucking fairness in the goddamn world, wouldn't a day off go just as slow as a work day? You know, there's some egghead out there, well, technically it does.

They have all 24 hours. Shut the fuck up. Actually, you know what? Egghead, why don't you hang out with me on my day off and then it'll fucking go just as slow as a Tuesday. It's nothing worse than a Tuesday. You know, everybody fucking talks about Mondays, right? Like that fucking band where the dude was banging his own daughter.

The momma's in the poppers. Well, they don't want to sing that song. Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. You know, what was that Karen Carpenter sitting there just eating the crust of a sandwich Don't do that, Bill. No, it's too early in the podcast, all right? Don't fucking start giving Karen Carpenter shit just because you're jealous because she's a better drummer than you could ever be, all right, Bill?

Fucking stand down. No, that's all that shit. That whole thing where, you know, three weeks of working out is like negated by three days of bad eating, you know, I don't know what it is, like, I don't know. I've become old Frito face the last couple of fucking weeks and it's like I never did a pull up in my life, you know, so I got to get back on the stick. I'm actually back here East Coast last night. I got to do the comics come home.

That was actually, I thought it was going to be a Guiness Arena again. It was at the Fleet Center, the TD Bank, North Garden, fucking whatever, whatever the fuck they call it where the Bruins and Celtics play that we actually had the show there. I had a great time. I went on last after a bunch of Beast Comics and speaking of pull ups, we were in the bowels of the arena and they had like these pull up bars, which I imagine, you know, Bruins and Celtics use. Probably the Bruins Celtics are too fucking tall to do a pull up, aren't they?

And I was over there with Lenny Clark, who's like 63 years old and he does pull ups and he fucking bangs out like 10 of them. 63. Lenny. Clark. Right. This is what we're doing before we're going on. He had just came off with his fucking lime green pants.

The guy's such a character. First of all, he's wearing these Daddy Warbucks like loafers with these gold inlays with these sweatpants and a t-shirt. He's walking around before the show, so I'm looking at the shoes and I'm going, all right. Those are definitely his show shoes. There's no way he's wearing the rest of that shit on stage. And those shoes are the big hayum and showbiz fucking part of the outfit. And who would have known that those shoes were actually going to be the muted effect

to tether the whole outfit to some sort of earth? I believe he had on, it was hard. I can't really tell because you couldn't look at him for too long, you know, without going blind. He had on lime green fucking pants and some sort of blue, pink, paisley shirt tucked in as you do. I mean, that's just standard fare when you have on lime green plants and then he had on his fucking black slippers with gold inlays.

So anyways, he's dressed like that. I'm wearing my show shirt. We're in the bowels of the Fleet Center or the TD Bank North Garden, whatever the fuck they call it, right? The jobbing.com center, whatever the fuck they call the thing this year. And they had the pull-up bar and I was showing them how to increase the amount of pull-ups that you can do by doing the negatives. You got to do the negatives, dude, right?

To fucking Boston morons, you know, going up and then going down slowly. You go down slowly because usually you just let gravity do that. Well, instead of using your muscles and that will actually increase your pull-ups over time. If you do that, you know, if you do that and then every once in a while when you go to do your three sets of pull-ups, you bang out, the first set, you just go until exhaustion. As many as you can do and even after you can't bring your chin over the bar, you still do reps and just count reps, you know?

And that's the way you go from 12 to 15, 15 to 17 and that type of thing. So that's basically what we were doing while we were waiting to go on. And Tony V was there and he brought some cigars. Mark Marin was on the show, Bobby Kelly was on the show, Jimmy Fallon, Jim Gaffigan, Dennis Leary hosted. It was just, it was just, it was a veritable hoes ho of the whole scene and I already know I forgot a couple of fucking guys. You had spinning when you do like a gig that goddamn big, but it was just a great time.

All the Bruins were there and got to hang out a little bit with those guys. And what else, I don't know, it was just, my head's still spinning from being able to perform there. It's fucking unbelievable, really unbelievable. It was an amazing night, Cam Neely, Jesus Christ, I knew I'd forget somebody, Cam Neely was there. It's only his frigging benefit and then they had all these guys like made tapes and stuff with John Stewart, Conan O'Brien and the Larris one, all this great time, raised a bunch

of money and I did my shit. I got my new jokes, I pissed a few people off, but I don't know, it's fucking weird. It's just where my act is right now and it's one of those things with stand up where it's not like learning how to play drums or guitar. You can't practice it by yourself and then go out and go do it. You have to try it out in front of people. So, you know, overall, I thought my set went well, went off the rails a little bit or whatever, but what are you gonna do?

It happens, you know, every once in a while you're going to the Godrail there, but it was still a great time. It's always good to see all the fellas there and I don't know. So I can't believe it's 20, it was 20 years, 20 years of that fucking thing. And I actually, this is how old I am. I did the second one early on. I did the second one, which seems like about six years ago, but it was actually 18 years ago, believe it or not.

So they're 19 years into doing it, but it's the 20th one that they did and I did the second one for all you fucking eggheads out there who are going to send me tweets going, actually I'll be doing the fucking second one. Shut the fuck up. All right. I was 28 when I did the first one and now I'm 46. It's basically what I'm telling you. I don't know.

It's crazy. I can't believe how much fucking time has gone by. Patrice's mom was there. Georgia, of course. It's always nice to see her. We were all excited about the benefit. We're doing it. The third annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit that's coming up in February.

Once again, we'll be at the city center in New York City, putting together that lineup as we speak. I don't know. It's all always a good thing. Of course, the always adorable Jimmy Serpico was there, looking as adorable as ever. It's weird. Most of us are aging, but Jimmy Serpico for some reason, he just keeps getting more adorable with every year.

You just want to pick him up and take him home. I'm just fucking with him. Anyways, oh fucking Joe Yenetti was there. How the hell did I forget? Joe Yenetti, who actually fucking beat cancer this year. He has a terrifying, terrifying story as to how he got it. If you'd like to hear it, come out to Saugus tonight. I don't know if he's going to do it.

I assume he's going to do it. He told the story last night. It's fucking unbelievable. I don't know if he says how he got it. I was actually, once he started doing the story, I was like, I got to get out of here because if he's going to be going this level of personal stuff, I'm going to bomb after him. But he told the story of how he got it. So if you can't make it to giggles and Saugus tonight, up on Route 1, you know, diagonally

up from the fucking Kyle Lone, go see Joe Yenetti live. It's a fucking scary story because if he got it, any of us could potentially get it. It's fucking terrifying. And speaking of terrifying, my flight from Los Angeles into Logan Airport, everything's going fine, right? We take off from LAX, you know, and you look down to the left, you see that little fucking barrier where Marine Del Rey is, where Bravo airspace is, you know, where the helicopters go 150 feet off the fucking surface to transition the Bravo airspace, we're fucking up and over

those cunts, we bang a left, we're climbing up, you know, going back over Hollywood was so high up, I can see over the Hollywood Hills, I can see into the valley, you know, I saw UCLA campus, then you see LA Coliseum went right over the fucking Rose Bowl. And then right off into the Mojave Desert flew right over Vegas. I looked down, I saw this stratosphere, right? Then you're into Utah, you go over the continental divide, the fucking Rocky Mountains, and they we are, we're on the Great Plains. The food supply, everybody, that's where they poison it.

Right there, from the halls of Montezuma, God bless America, right, flying right over our food supply there for some reason. Some reason we're letting these cunts poison it, right? Some reason we're going after the terrorists over there, but the fucking ones in the suits over here, it's okay, it's okay. Play the big casino all over it, keep the bugs off it, fantastic, just rinse it under a faucet, you'll be fine. Anyways, hey, feed that cow some more cow, cut the beaks off them, so you fly over that

shit, right? Then, I don't know, by then the sun started going down and everything was fine. And you know, I was working on writing some stuff and shooting the shit with this guy and I was telling me, he's got this room, he's got a garage, right, with a room over it, which is my dream fucking house, man. I always wanted to have an old house with a detached garage with a room over it, I already told you this shit. I turned the upstairs into a drum room slash cigar bar slash hooker lounge slash sports

bar, like every man wants, right? So he basically had that minus the hookers, minus the cigar bar, minus the drums, whatever, he added this fucking pool table and all that shit, so we're having a great time, just a good guy shooting the shit with, he wasn't coughing, he didn't seem like he had Ebola, it was a nice time. So all of a sudden we started our initial descent to the Boston area and we're out over the fucking water, you know? And all of a sudden we're just doing like this circular pattern, I think we went north

of the city, up by New Berry Port in Marblehead and we're just doing like this fucking circle and we go around and we go around again and I'm thinking, this is a holding pattern, there seems really low and the guy comes on and he's like, we're having a little mechanical issue, we're gonna try to work it out and we'll be on the ground shortly, but I love that. We're having a mechanical problem, but we expect to be on the ground shortly, that can be taken two different ways, either we're gonna fix it and I'll be able to land this fucker or it's gonna be a catastrophic failure of something at which point gravity is gonna

take over and land this plane for us, right? Right to somebody's back deck there. So long story short, I wasn't even paying attention, that's the weird part. I wasn't nervous at all, which was another weird thing, so he comes on the fucking thing and we're going in for the landing and he said, okay, we're gonna begin our initial descent to our final, whatever, blah, blah, blah, Logan Airport. Just to let you know, there's gonna be some emergency vehicles on the runway, there's nothing to be concerned about, this is just standard procedure, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

It's like, what the fuck do you mean it's nothing to be nervous about, they brought out the fire trucks, I know what this is for. This is in case we're all covered in jet fuel in eight minutes and we're on fire, at which point you can't really save any of us, you're just preventing this airplane from burning down the rest of the airport as we cartwheel down the fucking runway. So anyways, long story short, there was a flap that was stuck, somebody said it was stuck up, but we had to land faster than normal, so I don't think it was able, I don't think it was moving, you know, don't you go flaps down or whatever to slow the fucking thing

down when you go to land, isn't that what hell, these years are flying, I believe that that's what happens, but whatever, we had to land faster than probably what you're supposed to, probably outside the envelope, as the pilots say, landed, nah, it didn't even land that hard, you know, and everybody in the back applauds, nobody in first class applauds, you know, because they don't have any souls, including myself, you know, and so we land and we pull over whatever and it was pretty fucking awesome, pretty awesome feeling, knowing that the guy was that good, that he basically just prevented us all from dying, I guess they all do it every time they land it safely, but to be able to kind of handle that, I just

can't imagine being that pilot up there, you only like comforting feeling I would have, you'd have more concern for the people in the back than you did for yourself, so you can kind of stay relaxed and just be thinking I have to keep my wits so I don't kill these other people, but other than that, what a responsibility, can you imagine that? If I fuck this up, I'm going to kill 350 people, you know, and then even worse, whenever, you know, a plane goes down, they examine it, and if it comes down to being like, even though that was a mechanical situation, you know, at some point they try, they put it on the pilot insurance companies, you know what, it was Chuckie's fault, he fucking wore the

wrong kind of shoes and he was pushing too far, right, right, they'd figure out something somehow to blame it on the pilot, you know, so they can kind of keep the lawsuits at a minimum, I don't know, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, so whatever. This guy landed us there safely, thank fucking Christ, and so I've been back here in my hometown for the last, since Friday, and I've been pretty good, I have not, I have not hit one of my old eating hunts, because I put on a little bit of fucking weight there, I was sitting in the writer's room, writing F is for family, or pitching jokes as the writers write it, and you know, you know the deal, I get like 5'10 outside the fucking zone,

and I stand in the mirror and I fat shame myself, I give myself a little fucking half time speech, you know, what the fuck was that today? You know, and then I get myself back on the stick, so I'm telling you, all this shit that I say, despite the fact I don't know anything about nutrition, or I know very little, I'm telling you, my trick's fucking work, when you just can't stop yourself, and you know you want to eat a large pizza, and you fucking know it, and you know you shouldn't, you're actually stepping outside the craving, you know, to be like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? Do not shove that fucking wheel of shit down your throat, walk away, all right, drop the fork and walk away, right, you know

what you're supposed to do, but that craving, that sugar salt fucking craving, it's just having, it's like you're not even controlling your body, you walk over there, that's when you just have to fucking override it with common sense, and order a fucking salad, as quickly as possible, shove that down your fucking throat, and immediately, not immediately, take about 5 minutes, your levels, whatever that is, that craving levels off, because you're full, fills you up, and then you look at that page and you go, what the fuck was I thinking, why the hell would I ever do that, so I did that to myself, I made a game plan before I even left, I went to the airport and they had one place you could actually

get a salad, right, and I fucking shoved that down my throat before I got on the plane, and then I got on the plane and then I was fine, and I had a banana for the flight, shoved that down my throat, I kept pounding the waters to keep the stomach full, and at one point I had to give in, I got a fucking whiskey, and then that was it, and I was like alright, I did a great fucking job, and then all of a sudden the plane broke, and I was like, ah fuck, I should have got the sundae, hey is it too late to order some food, keep the drinks coming there, sweet hat, put it out, we ended up fucking landing safely, and I'm back on the stick, landed, banged out my fucking hundred push ups, right, and the next thing

you know, the next night I'm doing a gig, and before I go on stage I'm doing pull ups with Lenny Clark, alright, that's the kind of dedication you have, so all you fucking assholes out there telling me about your metabolism, go fuck yourself, alright, you know what you're doing, and you know what you need to be doing, alright, you're fat, it's not a fatal disease unless you fucking stay that way, you know, I got a buddy of mine, right, he's a tub of shit, you know, and I've given up on him, I've just given up on him, because he went to the doctor and he goes, he's just saying like dude, my doctor said genetically my fucking heart is unbelievable, you know, and it's just like alright, is that all he said, that's

all he said, oh yeah, you don't have to worry about it, you got a great heart, you're sure he didn't say hey luckily you have a good heart, but if you continue to do this, you could have the heart of a Clydesdale, it doesn't matter, you're gonna take it down, you know, Jesus Christ people, just go around, walk around, you've heard this before, over the age of 60, like how many like fat people do you see, am I trying to be a dick to anybody who's overweight, okay, I'm rooting for you, I'm just giving you some tough love here, you don't see him, you don't see a lot of like fat people, like a fat 70 year old guy walking around, oh, that's why all the Santa Claus is at the mall, or either some young

fatty that they put rouge on his cheeks to try and make him look jolly, you know, and then they put some cotton over this fucking eyebrows, there's a reason why there's not a bunch of fat old Santa Claus, because they're dead, right, that's what I'm here to tell you on this podcast, Santa Claus died of a major cardiac arrest when he was 58, playing pick up down at the Y, you know, he thought he'd play center and just post up, he thought he'd be fine, he forgot he had to, they were playing full court, he had to get back on defense and that was it, that was it, he fucking collapsed right before he got to the half court line, and right before he passed out, he heard the whistle blow for the back court

violation, that's a true story, alright, and that's why to this day, you have young skinny guys playing Santa Claus at the mall, see that, there you go, and I hate to bring that up as we ease in, as we begin our initial descent into the holiday fucking season, oh shit, it's the holiday season, dooby dooby doo, um, so here's the deal, you know you're gonna eat like an absolute fucking pig on Thanksgiving, you know you're gonna eat like an absolute fucking animal in December, you know it's coming, so why don't you get in fucking great shape right before Thanksgiving, and just say listen, I'm gonna go off the rails on Thanksgiving, Friday I'm gonna get back on it, Saturday I'll probably have a fucking turkey sandwich

with a little bit of stuffing in there, and maybe some spiked eggnog, if I can fucking handle it, and then whatever, then you're back on it, then Sunday you have a giant fucking salad, okay, then you go easy, you go easy, you're going into fucking, you're going into December right, oh here come all the holiday parties, little wind shear, right, you're trying to keep the fucking level, you know, you gotta go into these parties with the game plan, and who's kidding who, if you're eating the way you're eating and you are a tub of shit, you know on some level you don't love yourself, you don't, alright, and that's how it manifests itself, alright, but the only thing bigger than your own hatred for yourself

is probably your disgust for other people, I'm just using this as a possible motivational factor, so why don't you go into that party and look around the party, and silently compete with everybody there, and as you're watching other people just shoving this shit down your throat, just know that you're gonna win this game, you're gonna win this game tonight, alright, you're not gonna be the one who's gonna come out, right, with a loss on this one, I'd be standing there handing out fucking cakes to people, shoving drinks down their throat, right, be that guy, take a couple of parties off, just drink waters, and just watch what people do, and you'll hear people going, oh my god I have to stop, oh my god

I have to stop, they can't fucking stop, you know, they're settling with power right into that fucking sugar salt, fucking situation, right, the situation, that's what you do, oh that's another thing too, when you get to the bar, if you can just order the water first, and you drink that, you know, then you're fine, you're fine, then your brain's like oh yeah, I'd like some more water, and then you watch your friends start getting bleary-eyed, and that's actually kind of fun, you just stand there watching your friends like roofie themselves, and you watch them say dumb shit to each other that they're gonna have to apologize for, and you walk out of there squeaky fucking clean, right, you don't

want to be fast Eddie, you want to be Minnesota Fats, right, you ever watch The Hustler, remember that when he gets all sloppy drunk, then Jackie Gleason you know, takes out the fucking talc, freshens himself up, throws his jacket on, and fucking kicks Paul Newman's ass, that's the guy you want to be walking out of the Christmas party, but you pick one, you pick one fucking Christmas party where you're gonna throw down, you gotta have some sort of fun, where you're just gonna get absolutely fucking obliterated, alright, and that's the one your boss isn't there, you know, that skank you want to fuck isn't there, all the fucking temptations aren't there, it's just you and the booze staring each other down, like one

of those fucking UFC posters, right, UFC 2006, the Abomination, whatever the fuck, they're out of fucking adjectives for those things, but I'm still ordering all of them because I love it, right, just you and your favorite drink, some of your friends with the game and a little bullshit Christmas tree, right, whatever, a couple of prostitutes dressed up like fucking Santa's girls, which he never really had if you really watched those specials, you know, but everybody has their own version, you gotta respect all religions, you know, get yourself a couple of whores running around, you know, to give you drinks, you know, creating this fucking utopia, and that's the one, you just get fucking blind drunk, and you just celebrate

the baby Jesus the way it was meant to be, and that's how you do it, then the next day you write fucking back on it, you write back on it, and then you join me at the fucking Rose Bowl and watch me get blind drunk, and then that's it, you pick your spots, pick your spots and you give it a little face wash and then you'll be fine, you know, is it me or do I sound more out of my mind this week than most weeks, I'm not sure, you know what it is, right now it's football Sunday, it's the middle of the afternoon, the first game, of the week is on, the one o'clock game is basically back here east coast, and why aren't I watching, why could I give a fuck, because the Patriots aren't playing today, I hate

the fucking bye week, I hate it, it's like all, it's like that feeling when your team gets knocked out of the playoffs, and all of a sudden it's like fuck, now what do I gotta do, all of a sudden it's just like yeah, yeah, we're just gonna give you an experience of the off season, during the season, just give you that little, make your heart skip a goddamn beat, so I don't know what to do with myself, I wanna watch that four o'clock game, Seahawks vs. the Giants, I always like, you know, I like the defensive teams, and I'm also interested to see, I wanna see Eli, even though Seahawks haven't been as good as they were last year, as always happens, you know, you went deep into the playoffs,

you won the fucking Super Bowl, you know, Pat Riley, the disease of Moore that I learned through the Bill Simmons book, people leave, try to get more money, every coach thinks they're a fucking head coach, all that bullshit happens, but still, the core of the team is there, and I love watching Eli play against great teams, because he always has big games, so, but it is a regular season, so who knows how he'll perform, but I'm looking forward to that one, so that's the game I'm gonna watch, if you give a fuck, at which point it already happened, right, so why am I talking about it? Well, because I gotta fill up an hour, basically. Oh, my apologies last week, I guess the, judging from the 2,000 emails I got, and

tweets, the volume was a little low last week, I apologize, we're still working out the niches on the, or the glitches, I should say, on the new, the new All Things Comedy podcast studio, which we hope to have fully functional soon, obviously this week I'm back in Boston, so I won't be using it, but next week I'll be right back in there, so anyways, what went on this week in the wild, what went on in the world, I'll tell you what went on in the world, fucking Phil Rudd, drummer of AC DC, gets arrested for allegedly trying to hire a guy to murder two people, and they found meth in his house, you know, Phil Rudd's one of my favorite drummers of all time, in my favorite band of all time, and I gotta tell you, for the fucking life of me, all right,

who the fuck starts doing meth at 60 years of age, all right, I hate to criticize the guy, I love the guy, love the guy to death, but what the fuck, meth? I mean, still doing blow at 60, what the fuck that does to your heart, man, it's unreal, and if you saw his pictures, he didn't even look like himself, and he actually looked like he was missing some teeth, like this fucking guy was doing meth, at least he looked like it, he looked like those billboards you see when you drive through the Midwest, not like Chicago, not Ohio, you get into the Midwest, that slipknot country, right, that, you know, different factions of the clan marching down the street, part of the fucking, the Upper Pacific Northwest, right, Montana,

Idaho, Wyoming, the Badlands and the Dakotas, right, that fucking level of meth, but the charges have been dropped, he's still being charged with meth, and, but at least they dropped the other bullshit, so as far as I can tell, I think they're still gonna tour on this album with them, but if they don't, what do you think they would do? Do you think they go back to Simon Reiter, Chris Slade? I know Chris Slade openly is discussed, he did not like how he exited the band, I don't know that they, according to him, I don't think they called them, they basically had Phil Rudd in the band, they had a dust up, Phil Rudd and Malcolm, so much I know about this fucking band, I actually know the true story, but I'm not gonna say it, why not Bill, because I'm not

a dick, well I am a dick because I brought it up, I talked to a drummer in another band and he actually talked to Phil Rudd and he told the fucking story, why the fuck he got kicked out, and you know, it's one of those old easy stories, that's whatever, he gets kicked out, they get this guy Simon Wright, 20 years old, next you know, he goes from fucking playing the local bands, the next thing he's in, Simon Wright quits AC DC to join Dio, right, I guess he was sick of playing the four, four shit, he wanted to do something else, so he leaves, then they get Chris Slade, and after nine fucking years, they decide they want to go back to Phil Rudd, according to Chris Slade, without him knowing he was out of the, he found out he was out of the band, when the band sent

out a press release, that he was no longer in the band, and that they had gotten back together with Phil Rudd, with, you know, if it went down like that, then you know, I'm sure when Chris Slade hears dirty deeds, he probably has a different fucking view of it, now than other people, oh Jesus Bill, did you really have to do that fucking old joke, well you know, it's a long podcast, what do you want from me, so anyways, nice to hear that Phil Rudd is no longer being charged with, uh, hiring, trying to hire fucking Travolta and Sam Jackson's fucking characters and pulp fiction, he's clear to that, now it's just meth, now he's just another fucking guy on meth, 60 years of age, come on Phil, you know what's funny, when I first read it, somebody sent me a

text that said Phil Rudd, and I, I immediately thought, uh, I immediately thought Paul Rudd, and I was going like, how the fuck, who the fuck would that guy want to have killed, he's a nice guy, he's a family man, what the fuck, like that one really blew my mind, then it was Phil Rudd, and still kind of blew my mind, but I still kind of understood it, you know, those rock stars, right, you get a couple hit albums under your belt, next thing you know, you got a pistol, and a big bag of coke, you know, you know, you know what you're saying anymore, right, you're pouring vodka in your mouth in a swimming pool, while they film it, um, anyways, oh, good news, I, I have teased the people down under Australia, New Zealand, and I have fucking threatened that I

was going to be doing a tour down there, it is coming together, the dates are together, it's going to be the end of January, beginning of February, right now, it is a 10 day tour, that's going to include, uh, two cities in New Zealand, all those fuckers, uh, Australian one, Perth, Brisbane, however the fuck you say it, Melbourne, Sydney, I don't know what else I got in there, and then we're also trying to possibly tie an Asian run in there, where I might believe in or not do India, we just have to see if there's any sort of interest there, I mean, I know I won't make any fucking money, but why wouldn't you go to India, you know, Christ, I'm talking to those people every day on the fucking phone anyways, anytime I get into some automated thing, right,

be nice to talk to some of the people on the other end of that phone, um, I know this woman that booked Singapore, but I'm afraid to go there after that caning video, and considering spitting gum out on the sidewalk is illegal, um, I, I don't know how they would react to my act, like how many fucking lashings that would be, but I'm not into being, you know, having my butt cheeks, having muscle spasms as I'm waiting for the next, oh my god, how bruised up would I be, is fucking German, Irish and pasty as I am, oh my god, after that first lashing, it would look like a fucking faces of death video, holy shit, so anyways, I'm really, really looking forward to going over there, speaking of AC DC, uh,

Bond Scott rests his soul, his final resting place is in Perth, so I'll definitely have to make a trip to that, um, and then other than that, you know, I just, I'm excited to go over there and, you know, watch my step, don't step on any of those fucking brutally poisonous snakes they have, we're actually trying to figure out how to do the tour right now, because from LA to Sydney is a 14 hour flight, and if you ever do it, what you want to do is, don't you see, is take the 4pm flight, all right, you get on the plane, you have a fucking meal, no, you watch a movie, then they bring you a meal, then you watch another movie, you just killed four hours, then you go to sleep, eight hours later, there's your 14 fucking, that's 12 hours, right, whatever,

give or take, basically you wake up, you're almost on final approach, it's the, it's the best, flying back sucks, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to tell you, other than to get blind, fucking drunk, and take a fucking horse tranquilizer, you're just gonna have to kind of sit there and take it, and keep looking out your window hour after hour, realizing you're over a place where there's nowhere to land, um, so anyways, but, so you fly 14 fucking hours from LA to get to Sydney, and then Sydney to Perth is basically like flying across the continental United States, I want to say it might be a little bit shorter, but who the fuck wants to do that, but my guy's saying, well what if you flew to Melbourne, stay there for a day,

got a good night's sleep, and then got up the next fucking day, and then fly, I'm thinking just get it over with, just fucking get it over with, I don't know how we're gonna do it, but uh, the good thing is once you're there, you're there, and um, I don't fight jet lag, initially, you know, you gotta stay up, you gotta stay up, fuck that, no you don't, go to sleep, go to sleep, you wake up fucking 11 o'clock at night, like it's seven in the morning, and you just go on YouTube, and you watch old Super Bowls, and uh, you'll find a casino, there'll be something to do, right, um, but anyways, I'm really looking forward to doing that, and then also later on in 2015, I'm going to be doing an Eastern European tour, possibly maybe touring all of Europe, and um, so the way I'm going to try to

do it is I'm breaking up my tours over a two-year period, I'm figuring out this strategy, uh, and the tours are Eastern Europe, Western Europe, Australia, uh, Asia, and then Canada, and then I always have, uh, the United States is an ongoing thing, so I just sort of, when I'm not touring the States, I'll just break off and do like a 10-day tour of one of those, um, and I've always been putting out my special on Netflix, and as Netflix has grown, and they've gone worldwide, I keep getting more people that know who the fuck I am, and I keep expanding it, and the great thing about that is, as I, you know, as the dollar collapses, I have all these different other fucking places where I can maybe earn money in their currency, and I can come back here and buy a pelt to put

over my junk, you know, because there's no way I'd ever leave this country, you know, uh, just fucking would survive it, um, so anyways, and plus, as I increase, you know, people liking what the fuck I do, I got this cartoon coming out, I know I'm hyping it 13 months early, Effors for Family, uh, we wrote another killer fucking episode, I cannot wait for this thing, I cannot fucking, like, no thing I've ever done, I cannot wait for you guys to fucking see this thing, and I know I'm an asshole for bringing it up this early, but it is the most fucking fun I've ever had doing it, Netflix has been unbelievable, they're actually saying push it further, push it further, push it further, they've been ridiculous, um, they've been unbelievable

to work with, and uh, you know, and just the people that I'm writing the thing with and everything is, as I say, they're writing it, I just sit in the writer's room and I pitch my jokes, but um, I can't, I can't fucking wait for this thing to come out, you know, and even if we only get to do six, uh, I swear to God, when I'm 80, I'll be talking about how much fucking fun I had doing it, and that's, that is no joke, um, so anyways, what do we got here, let me see if he sent me the fucking advertisement, yeah, I'm killing time here, oh, gotta love the Bruins app right here, up to the minute fucking, do you guys have, do you guys have like the uh, the apps of your favorite teams, I love when they do that, I have this one in the NHL one, tells me about all the trades,

everything that's going on, this is not a commercial by the way, defenseman David Borsowski sustained a groin injury and will be out two to four weeks, you see that, now I can get on with my fucking life, oh, you know, it was one of the coolest things I got to do last night, and I'm gonna have a YouTube link to this, I got to talk to Adam McQuade, and I remember one of my favorite things, moments of the Bruins over the last few years, other than them winning the Stanley Cup, and um, and always Bruins-Canadians games are always fucking great, win or lose, they're always fucking awesome to watch, um, was, I remember we played the uh, the Phoenix Coyotes, and uh, Rafi Torres, uh, you know, dirty play, fucking, his elbow or shoulder, and uh,

Farron Schreitner's jaw, and McQuade, immediately, as the dude was throwing the elbow or the fucking shoulder, his gloves were already on the ice, and he beat the fuck out of the guy, it was just textbook, how to stick up for your teammate and hockey, and um, once again, you know, I'll have a link to that fight, if I can find it, um, and once again, I was talking to, we were talking about hockey on the way over to the garden, uh, the other night, you still can't fucking believe I got to perform there, and um, you know, we were talking about, I was saying how, you know, there was that bench clearing bra that I told you guys about a long time ago, I went to the game, um, I'll put that link up too, I was at the old Boston garden, it was the Chris Nyland game,

when he took the butt end of his stick and knocked Milbury's teeth out, and then he got kicked out when he walked by the Bruins bench, Ken Linsman pushed him, he pushed Ken Linsman, that's right, because Linsman, you know, said something, and then Linsman chased him down the hall like he was actually going to fight him, and then because he knew all the Bruins were going to follow him next to, you know, Canadian's bench empties, there's a fight on the ice, there's fighting off the ice, there's cops involved and all this shit, and someone was going like, I love how like these are the great moments in hockey, right, and it's like, ah, Jesus Christ, you fucking non-watching hockey cunts, there's all the goals and all that shit, you know, those are also great, but the fighting

is all, I don't understand why people have such a fucking issue with fighting in hockey, we got to get the fighting out of hockey, do we have to get the fighting out of boxing, do we have to get the fighting out of the UFC, if fighting is so fucking bad, how can you have a fucking sport that that's what the sport is, oh it's barbaric, okay, but if that's what you're trained to do, then it's the sweet science, you're a mixed martial artist, but if you do it on hockey skate, you're a fucking animal, I don't understand it, I don't, it's a part of the fucking game, oh Jesus Christ, here's what the phone, I'm at my parent's house, let's see how long this goes, that's two, there's somebody downstairs, right, come on somebody pick it up, fuck six, for me,

for the podcast, for my own sanity, there you go, somebody got it, all right, so anyway, I just don't understand what the fucking problem is, I don't get how people, we got to get the fighting out of it, we got to get it out, it's like dude, you don't watch hockey, you don't have to do anything, just don't watch it, you know what I mean, do I sit there going, we got to get the layups out of the WNBA, there needs to be more dunking, give a fuck, play the game, how you play it, I don't, I don't feel fucking, it drives me nuts, fucking drives me nuts, whatever, so I'll have, I'll post that bench clearing brawl, I'll also post the Adam McQuaid fight, and then for all you fucking hockey purists that don't, that just

want to see goal scoring and all that fucking shit, you know, I like Olympic hockey, yeah, I like curling too, I'll post the, whatever the, whatever the fuck they got, new kid's name is there on St. Louis, Vladimir fucking Tarantinov, whatever the fuck his name is, let me see, where the hell is it, I fucking tweeted about him, I said the moves he was making me, were making reminded me of some of the moves I used to do in the late 90s during my rollerblading days, and then of course I got a bunch of shit for rollerblading, you know, last I remember, rollerblading, that was a phenomenon that swept the nation, you know, am I wrong, am I wrong thinking that, Tarant, Taransenko, Vladimir Tarasenko, all right, for all you people out there who want to get the fighting,

I'll just know that this is also still happening, and that goaltending in the league is post Patrick Wa is becoming an entirely different art in itself, if you watch old hockey highlights, and you watch those old stand-up fucking goalies, you understand why fucking, actually you, I still can't believe it was so difficult to score 50 goals, watching stand-up goalies, they'd fucking just, you'd come in and skate, you'd shoot the puck and they'd either kick out their right leg or their left leg, pretty much straight out the stand-up goalies, and then once Patrick Wa came in and the butterfly, that was over, like a Jimi Hendrix moment, like guitar was never the same, goaltending was never the fucking same after that guy, and I don't know,

whatever, I'm probably talking too much fucking hockey here, there's like eight listeners going, no, if you want to hear more hockey talk, what you want to do is go listen to Joe Bartnick's puck off, Rose Bowl, Tailgate legend, Joe Bartnick, all right, sponsored by Crown Royal, I don't even know if it is, the puck off podcast, you might want to check that out, so I think at this point I've talked myself out, I'm going to wait for the, wasn't I supposed to look for that, I keep pushing the wrong goddamn buttons, you know, I got one of these little fucking iPads with the keyboard, you know, and I thought I was really smart, and I, you know, I hooked the fucking, I synced up the keyboard, the iPad, I didn't know you had to charge the fucking iPad, the keyboard,

too, right, you know what fucking kills me, the one that fucking charges the fucking iPad itself, you need a different plug for the fucking keyboard, these fucking Steve Jobs cunts, it's like how much fucking money do you nerds need to fucking make, I don't know, all right, let's do some advertising for this week, all right, all right, here we go, draft kings everybody, millionaires are made all season long at draftkings.com, America's favorite, one week fantasy football site, one fantastic, one fantasy means no season long commitments play whenever you want, got an injured player, no problem at draftkings.com, it's like a new season every week, so you're never stuck with this same place, all right, pick your team in minutes,

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everybody, only two reads, I think I've insulted all my other advertisers, you know, they're not always so keen with some of my reads over here, so you know, what can I do, what can I do, what am I looking for, I'm trying to figure out how far into this podcast I am, 48 minutes, Jesus Christ, all right, you know last week when I was stretching for time, I was so out of sorts being in that studio, I forgot to actually, I forgot to read the damn questions from last week, so anyways, let's see here, here we go, here we go, oh by the way, my Yoko Ono Chuck Berry video broke 100 million views, let's see here, and people have been sending me the following, Yoko covering Katy Perry's firework, man I don't want to trash Yoko, I actually

think her band's good, I just fucking, I more, when I was doing that, I really, I was really insulting John Lennon, you know, one of the great musicians of all time, so who the fuck am I to do that, you know, what are you gonna do, just fucking annoys me just seeing some guy just afraid, I mean do you like seeing, you like seeing a woman being just dominated by some guy and she's too afraid to open a fucking mouth, it's horrific to see, it works both ways, you know what it is, you just wish that the fucking two psychos would get together, but it doesn't work that way, you know what I mean, two selfish cunts can never be together because they're selfish cunts, what they have to do is they go out and they find big-hearted forgiving people that look the other way when you grab a

microphone and go in the middle of a fucking song, that's not even exaggeration, that's actually almost a dead-on impression, in fact Daryl Hammond would probably be like wow Bill, that was really good, did you listen to audio of Yoko Ono as you drove around in your car and I'd be like no Daryl, you know what, I just naturally had that one, you like that, you like when I invent compliments from legendary comedians, all right last alimony payment, dance guy, Bill a million people have probably already sent you this or maybe you saw it yourself on Barstool, yeah I watched it, I'm always on Barstool, Boston Barstool by the way, I'm always on that thing, they always have great videos, you know, some of the fucking people on there, they're so pro Boston sports, you know what I mean,

that it gets, you know, I'm one of those guys that if we have a piece of shit on our fucking team and you say he's a piece of shit, I'm not going to defend him, you know what I mean, which then gives me license to trash your piece of shit and then you say yeah, yeah, you know what, you're right, we got a piece of shit in our team too and then we get to drink together, there's no fights, there's no lawsuits, there's no broken teeth, it's wonderful, it's one of the great things about being an old guy is you see the middle ground, but I haven't said that, I still love my Boston teams and I love that site, I love that site, so anyways, the video is the greatest thing I've ever seen, it's Thursday morning at my shitty office job and I swear my feet started bouncing under my desk

in pure joy for this man, love you and love me, go fuck yourself, yeah it's a great video, we'll post it, this guy is making his final alimony payment and he says how much it is, it's something like just under 10 grand, this guy's been given some woman almost every fucking month, now granted this guy might have fucked up his own marriage, he might have fucked around on her or whatever, but just Jesus Christ to have to give another human being 10 grand a month for fucking years and you did not maim them, you didn't cause them an inability to go out and get a fucking job and earn a living, it's fucking criminal and this isn't child support people, this is alimony, you're giving somebody 10 grand a fucking month, it's just unbelievable, so this guy is making

his last payment and he's doing this fucking dance, it's one of the happiest guys I've ever seen in my fucking life, it's fucking hilarious and I do have hope that in the future when this latest push by women is over, you know, it's kind of like a game between the two of us, right, so right now it's hardcore women, everything bad that ever fucking happened between men and women, it's going one way right now, it's just guys need to grow up, right, we got to stop talking to them on the street, you know, no more, she was asking for it, what else, what else are they telling us, you know, we got to listen more, we need to cook more, we need to do a lot of their fucking jobs around the house that they don't want to fucking do because they have a job now,

you know, it's like well so do I, so I got to do the job and all the housework, is that what you're fucking saying, no I'll pitch in, now you won't, you'll start to do it and then you'll come home, you say you're tired and then your bottom lip starts quivering, then I feel like a bully and next thing you know I'm wearing a fucking apron, but I think eventually, unless my conspiracy theory is true, my conspiracy theory is basically this, well let's finish the first thing, eventually at some point there's going to be a pushback by men about these divorce settlements, to try to get them a little more, not as fucking crazy, okay, because I mean I just, I don't know, just the amount of fucking money and that she's used

to a certain lifestyle, I mean whoever came up with that was a fucking genius, I mean how they got, I'm used to a certain lifestyle, yeah the lifestyle you had when you were together, this relationship failed, all right, so yeah, you don't have that lifestyle anymore and neither does he, why does one person or whoever's making more money to be fair to women in this stuff, because I know who the fuck, because me is always bringing up the women who are getting fucked in this thing, because you know me, I'm so fucking one-sided and ignorant, who got fucked over, I can't remember who, was she saying Halle Berry, one of those people just has like some ridiculous payment that they had, once again, they just, they were in the state of California, they were making way more fucking money

and now the person that they used to be with gets to act like, you know, they, you know, I don't know what, they're fucking crippled, they can't go out and get a fucking job too, these people, do you realize that these people paralyzed from the fucking neck down, who have written fucking scripts for movies that got made, you know what I mean, you're sitting there with all your fucking faculties and you want ten grand a month, you lazy sack of shit, it's fucking unbelievable, un-fucking, oh man, you know what, there's an article, do I have it, you know, I'm gonna get up, I gotta get, I gotta get this thing right now, hang on a second, oh, I got an article, I gotta show you, yeah, I read it on the plane, it's a,

it's in a Maxim magazine, which who's kidding who, Maxim magazine is basically a jerk-off magazine for somebody either who's still living at home with their parents and doesn't want to get caught looking at porn or they plan on running for political office and that they know there's no way to get it traced back, this is probably actually the purest pornography that you could actually look at, I'm being an asshole, it's not that bad, but it's one of those things where Maxim magazine, a lot of times there's articles in there that I want to read about, but the woman on the cover, it always makes me feel like a piece of shit buying it, like, look at her tits, you know, but this one actually on the cover, it said Hot Wheels,

of course it said, it's a Hot Wheels, it's got some, you know, gorgeous fucking woman with their fucking tanned up titties hanging out and it's 2014's fastest muscle cars, sexiest super cars and the ultimate Jaguar, right, so I'm like, all right, I'm getting on a plane, I love fucking cars, I want to read about this shit, I'm a car guy, I got a Prius, right, fucking Catholic guilt, go fucking buy yourself something, you freckled cunt, so whatever, so they got the usual layout here, right, and they got this beautiful fucking car, this is how old I am, so they had this fucking 20-something model laying on her back on the fucking hood and I'm actually annoyed by her, like, would you get off the fucking car so I can see it, how fucking old am I at this point,

I got it, when you fuck, that's the position you'd be in if I was banging you, you're not going to fuck me, get out of the way of the car, but they were actually just doing the background on the model, so they actually, I didn't understand the layout of the magazine, and you know, she is gorgeous, she deserves to be laying on that car, but I imagine, well you know, a lot of women would be offended by it, because you know, what is it really, what they're really saying in this magazine is you get this car, you get this woman, you know, none of these photos does in any way shape or form, does it show that this woman could possibly own this car, despite the fact that she's a model in a major magazine, you know she has a

nice car, but the way they photograph her is this is the position I had to lay in just to get a fucking ride in this goddamn thing, although one of the photos she does, she is carrying a helmet, but that's probably just for safety, anyways, so I'm reading through all this shit and I come to this this article and it's, you know, me totally misjudging this magazine where I'm looking at it like, like I live in fucking Utah, what the fuck is it, god damn it, Bill, you had it, you had the fucking article and you went off on a damn tangent, what the fuck is it, it was about this Formula 1 car racer who lost both his legs in a horrific crash, I swear to god, how the fuck isn't one of the main articles, that's not one of the main articles you hype, well I guess when you go those

kind of tits and the, and there he is, there he is, you want to read an inspirational article, this guy, I hope I say his name right, Alex Zanardi, I hope I said it right, right, you know, I'm not, you know, I'm not the Illuminati, okay, so I don't know much about Formula 1 fucking racing and I also live in the United States, so you know, I watch Star Car, I'm actually watching Star Car now for the fucking fights, there's barely any fights anymore in the NHL, you know, all you got to do is just, you know, if you're really into fighting and you miss it in the NHL, just watch the last three laps of a NASCAR, NASCAR race, it's fucking great because they don't have, because it's fighting is still so new to their sport, like, you know, hockey it's been going on

since the beginning and new, I mean, the last 10 years it's really gotten out of hand, there's still no rules like, you know, first guy over the walls in automatic 10 game, I guess it would be 10 race suspension, they don't have any of that shit, so entire pit crews can fight other pit crews, they have like a barroom brawl right out on there, it's phenomenal, so anyways, this guy, Alex Zanardi, I hope I'm saying it right, no disrespect to this guy, he obviously is more of a fucking man than I'll ever be, 2001 he had a horrific car crash that nearly cost the champion race car driver his life, he spun out on pit row and somebody came by going full speed and just clipped off the front of his car and took off both of his legs from the bottom just below his

knees and this guy has since become, he races bicycles and like, he got back behind the wheel of a car, raced a little bit but now he got into bike racing and he competes in marathons, the disabled part of it and he's like the best in the world at it and he has achieved so much that he actually said that if he could go back in life and go back to that moment of when he lost his legs, he'd actually have to sit down and decide whether or not he'd want to avoid it again because he learned so much about life and I know that sounds like some corny horseshit like obviously you want your legs but after reading this article, you totally understand as much as you could because you haven't gone through the experience,

what this guy means and he also has this great thing about when pushing yourself like your dreams, how to make your dreams come true is to set goals and all that and he had this thing he used to call the five second rule and the five second rule is when you thought you were at exhaustion and you couldn't go anymore, you just hung in there for another five seconds and the thought process was who knows maybe in that five seconds the other guy would quit and then he laughed after saying that, I thought that was so fucking cool so anyways, check that out, it's the Maxim magazine, it says Hot Wheels and there's a Jaguar or white car on the cover with this absolutely stunning woman who you know in a perfect world,

owns the car and just felt like sunning herself on the hood. Anyways, let's plow ahead here, a feminine straight man, all right, good morning, how are you doing, how are you, all right he's got my line stone, he said me and my husband love the podcast, thanks for making my Monday morning a little brighter, just wanted to share with you that in the last week my husband has made pumpkin cookies, pumpkin pancakes and pumpkin pie from scratch, ah well fellow twinkle toes there, hey I tip my apron to you, she says he is also a stay-at-home dad who drives the AVEO, I don't know, I'm not familiar with that, Aveo, I don't know, well I drive the Tacoma, on top of that he doesn't get offended when I call him a pussy,

when I come home from work and I see him baking, I believe that is a slight one-up, he also has a thick beard and not only watches hockey but plays pickup games every Friday, most a feminine straight man I know, go ducks and go fuck yourself, well he didn't really ask me, he really didn't ask me any questions, you know what it is, he's got a beard and he plays hockey, you know what he's already more of a fucking man than most of us, so he's got to balance it out, he's got to bring that testosterone down, he comes home, he begs a cup of cookies, he makes some pumpkin pancakes and you come down, you know you call him a fucking pussy, it makes you feel like you're fucking doing something and the whole relationship works,

I don't think that's an effeminate straight man, I think that's a fucking straight man who's comfortable with who he is, you know, what do you want, you want me to go top shelf or you want me to put some fucking cookies on the table, I can do whatever the fuck you want, go fuck yourself, I have a beard and I know how to do shit, all right, turning into a douche after being dumped, oh you never want to do that, when you do that then they know that they want, what you got to do is you got to take the feeling, you got to push it down in you, you got to bury it, all right, and then you let it out slowly after six drinks under unsuspecting strangers, that's how you do it, no that's not what you do, what you do is

reality, what most men what you should do after being dumped is what you should do, what Chris Bosch did after they lost the championship that year, I think it was to the Mavericks, he just dropped to the floor and he cried it out of himself and everybody made fun of that guy, do you realize how fucking much more healthier men would be if we could actually do that, it would be absolutely horrific for women to see and as much as they say they want to see it, they don't want to see it, you know what I mean, that's like the male equivalent of watching your wife change your fucking tire, you don't want to see that, just see it out there jacking up the car, knowing what the fuck she's doing or maybe making a strong throw from third base, that's just some

things that men and women you think you want to see it, you don't want to see it, what if she grunt a little bit when she threw, just fucking through a laser, right, ball takes a funny hop and she's still able to fucking, you don't want to see it, not saying it's wrong, but there's just certain things, it's just like just you know, drives them up and sends us fucking, you know, pitching to the right or the left there, old fucking Stan is down for the count, if you know what I mean, all right, dear Billy boy, I used to say yawing to the left, I'm going to go aviation here, I am a 28 year old dude, the beginning of the year was life kicking me in the nuts, my girlfriend been together for 10 years, left me for some rich older fuck, oh man,

well if you want to feel better about yourself, just listen to the eagles lying eyes, you know, because that's what the fuck she just walked into, unless he's only a few years older, but if he's a lot older, I mean, what the fuck, come on man, what kind of young woman wants some guys dick coming at him with their fucking salt and pepper pubes, I mean, that's no woman lays in bed dreaming about that, I can tell you that right now, all right, needles, needles, needless to say, you wrote needles, needless to say, but I will, it got me absolutely heartbroken, depressed as fuck, feeling that I lost all my goals in life, had to leave our apartment, which I renovated for us to finally be our no place like home place, had to move for a while

back in with my parents, that's always a hard time, started hating my job, yeah, dude, that's awesome, dude, what you got, what you got going on here is you have a new beginning, all right, you got to understand the kind of person that would leave you to go get with some rich older guy, I mean, I don't know anything about your relationship, I mean, it seems like you had a job, you renovated the apartment, you do seem like a motivated guy, be one thing if you're sitting around in your ass, look, if you're sitting around in your ass, you're not doing anything, you just, you cannot expect a woman to stay with you, you're fucking useless, as a man, if you're not providing, what are you doing, you're just a

big kid, they don't need that, they're 180 pounds of fucking XX weight, just dragging them down to the ground, they got one life, they're going to go fucking live it, so, but you have a job, you renovated the place, you sound like a good guy, granted, you're right in the email, here we go, if it wasn't for the best friends in the fucking world, I don't know what I do, so it's been like eight months, got my shit together, lost weight, started learning a new language, here you go, started studying, giving lectures and clubs, and banging a hot, smart, 22 year old girl, and that banging is the shit, he's saying here, look at this guy, turned his life around, you know what, I can tell you all your friends wish that they got

dumped at this point, seeing you all of a sudden walking around like you're the new Johnny Bravo there, but the shitty thoughts about the X still stir in my head, well it's natural man, you were together for 10 years, eight months later, you know, one 22 year old in a new fucking language, you're still, you're normal, that's normal, he goes, I feel bad because all that crap lands on this new girl, oh dude, that's the first wrong thing you've done, 10 years of sharing experience is kind of hard to forget, and it always pops up, I'm smart and sensitive enough to know what I'm doing is wrong, well there you go, look at this, you're an evolved guy, he says, although something inside says do, the fuck is wrong with you, you should never

say that to her, never compare her to the X, yeah don't do that, never demand something she can't deliver, but somehow I still do it to the new girl, and it hurts her, how do I get to stop being a douche to this chick, well step one is you're admitting it, and how about this, there's a huge difference between 22 and 28 in a level of maturity, 32 to 38 is not that much different, but 22 to 28, you basically go from being a kid to being an adult, even though legally you're considering an adult, that's a huge difference, I mean if you're 28 years old, you go out on a date with somebody and you go, what's your major, that should be the beginning of when it starts feeling creepy, I don't know, I always did, I was just kind of like, oh my god,

at first I was still in fucking college, you have a teacher and a semester, what the fuck, I mean just, you can't even relate to it, so how do you stop being a douche to this chick, I would actually sit down with her first off and I would apologize for doing it, that's the first thing you need to do, and get it out in the open and just say that, you know, I'm going to really work hard to not do it, and please call me out when I'm doing it, and I'm going to do my best to immediately stop it, just know that I'm coming down from a 10-year dump here, and it's going to take me a little bit, so if you can be patient with me, but the last thing I want to do is hurt you, and this is not fair to you, that's the first thing I would do,

yeah I would get a flowers and I would totally fucking apologize, and be on my fucking best behavior, you know, for a while man, because that's a, it's really a horrible thing to do, to take out your life on somebody else, take out your childhood and other people, which I did for a fucking like 15 years, you know, it's bad, remember that, what does that fucking show where that guy, my name is Earl, you know, I could do that, just with my fucking relationships with women, that was fucking bad, anyways, alright, so I'm not saying I'm above you or anything like that, alright, see that, put myself right on your level, I've done the same fucking thing, so if I could go back in time, that's what I would have done, if there was a podcast that I could have written to,

but I did, I was in a vacuum, I was living in a podcastless world, walking around from my dick telling me what to do, mixed with my childhood, it was a bad recipe, alright, I've worked at one of the better known law firms in Los Angeles for the past decade, to get right into it, I've been having sex with mine and my female, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, you never fuck somebody you work with, what was that from, Dan, about last night, Jim Belushi, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, alright, alright, he's got his dick out at work everybody, gee, what could go wrong, he's been banging her for about a year now, great, so she's probably developed feelings for you as women do, unless you've spaced out the fucks from Christmas party to Christmas party, what is it,

is it the Santa hat, because I want to know, you're even going to have that fight at some point, we both stall at our desks until the rest of the office has gone home for the day and then we fuck like savages on the desks or in the break room, I can guarantee you everybody at work knows you're fucking, guarantee you, they can see it in your eyes, we're all animals, we can sense things, the same way I'm standing on stage and the crowd can sense if I mean something or I don't, if I'm joking or if I'm not, if I'm on good mood or they can just sense it as I'm walking to the microphone without even knowing that they have that skill, it's a survival thing left over from caveman days, the same way a crowd can do that to me, everybody at work knows you're fucking, anyways,

he says it's been great and I have no complaints, so here's the thing, one day about a month ago, our boss came back into the office and caught us mid-act, alright, if he takes his dick out, alright, and wants to join, now that's a fucking situation, because your job's on the line, oh Jesus, see this is why you never take your dick out at work, you'll fuck her from behind while I get her in the mouth, don't look at me when I come, oh that was gross, sorry, she told us to go home and that she'd be speaking with us individually the following day, oh she told you guys to go home, that's a power move, this is where it takes a twist, when I went in to talk with my boss, I was certain I'd be fired, however she, oh no, no,

she closed the blinds, locked the door, hiked up her skirt to reveal she wasn't wearing underwear and told me to perform oral sex on her, what, dude is this a red shoe diary, I'm calling bullshit, I don't know but how do you stop, this is like a good summer, this is a good summer read everybody, you know, let's all mentally go to the beach right now, like a fucking soccer mom here, I assumed I was being blackmailed but didn't care because I need my job and I like pussy, dude are you like a fucking caveman, what is wrong with you, so it was a win-win, let me read back, is the boss in there, I'm confused as to whether the boss is in there or not, when I went in to talk with my boss I

would start to be fired, however she closed the blinds, locked the door, all right I guess I have to keep reading here, the thing is she didn't stop, she calls me in her office at least twice a week to go down on her for an hour, she says she has security footage of my co-worker and I having sex, oh wait a minute, I missed out, your boss is a woman, oh see the sexist me, assumed you had a male boss, there you go, there you go, I got work to do on myself as another thing, wait a minute, you got to go down on your boss, she says she has security footage of my co-worker and I having sex in the office, dude this is a crime, and that she'll fire us both unless I continue to service her, so she's got to be old and hard up, dude this is a fucking nightmare, what's worse, dude this

can't be true, you made this up, fuck you, trying to get me during the holiday season, I can't, oh my god I can't stop reading this, what's worse is that my co-worker doesn't know why she hasn't been fired yet and I'm afraid to tell her about the deal I have with our boss, oh Jesus Christ, dude this is like a bad movie, if this is actually real you fucking tell her and then you film her in the fucking act with you, your boss right, and then you say listen, unless you give us both a fucking raise, we'll fucking, we'll rat you out, actually no, what do you want to do is go to the cops because then you know, because then you're both doing it to each other and then you could, somehow the state could maybe send you all to jail,

anyways he goes, I realize this isn't the worst problem to have, then you know what, dude I don't have a fucking problem, if you don't give a fuck why should I, my boss isn't exactly unattractive but not someone I'd approach at a bar or anything, I think Jody Foster in Silence of the Lambs, so what do I do, should I call her bluff and refuse to continue or should I suck it up, no pun intended and keep on going, also I should tell, or should I tell my co-worker and risk ruining the relationship or worse risk getting the word out that I'm basically a whore, any help is appreciated, thanks and go fuck yourself or come fuck my boss with me, yeah this guy's a jerk off, you don't give a fuck, all right look it, whenever you get tired of being a man whore

this is what you need to do, you need to go Mickey Rourke here, Pope of Greenwich Village, you know, you got to get a tape, you got to come in there wired, this is a great thing, since you're not fucking or you can come in there wearing a goddamn wire and all you got to do is just have her say some incriminating shit, all right and then you get to walk in there, you know and then you just you grab her by her hand, because I got a fucking tape, I took off a dead cop right, you give her that fucking speech, you go out, you get your hair cut as you're smoking a cigarette while some woman fucking manicures your nails and you come walking in there Mickey Rourke, Pope of Greenwich Village and you tell the bitch I'm gonna fucking put you in jail, you give me a

raise, although I shouldn't, you shouldn't do that because now you've engaged in criminal activity, what you need to do is you got to have some fucking self-esteem, you know what I would do honestly, because if personally I wouldn't want any of this to come out, what I would do is I would get another fucking job and then I would just, I would walk away, I would, I think I would just walk away, isn't that funny, this is the type of fucking thing that if a man was doing it to a woman, it'd be like oh my god this needs to stop, but I guarantee you most of the women that listen to this thought this was a funny fucking story, I guess it is, it's just because they can't physically fucking dump like, I guess it's the way where the fact,

I don't know, I guess it's that thing, that whole fucking thing that you could literally force yourself on, but she's literally forcing you, what a fucking animal, I still don't believe that that's true, but I enjoyed it nonetheless, underrated, there are song lyrics and the act, what, there are, these are song lyrics and the act is what is underrated, just before doggy styling a woman to go hut one, hut two, what, I hate when guys do shit like that, like I never found any of those fucking jokes funny, you know, like this is the dirty sand chest when you're fucking sticky, up top, you know, that stupid frat boy fucking humor,

I always, all of that shit always comes from a place of insecurity, that like look it's so easy for me to get laid that I can disrespect women in this fucking way, you know what I mean, those are those jackhammering guys, they don't know what the fuck they're doing in bed, they just get on top of those fucking guys, those poor fucking women, gotta put up with that shit, just someone who just was not blessed with any sort of fucking empathy, wasn't blessed with any sort of fucking and no gift of touch or anything like that, those are those dirty sand chest fucking guy, I always hated those fucking jokes. Yeah, the donkey punch, yeah, yeah, yeah, punch you in the back, is he really, is that what you do? Does that make you a man, you fucking jerk off?

All right, anyways, that's the podcast for this week. Once again, I want to thank Cam Neely and Dennis Leary for letting me be a part of this unbelievable charity over the years and watching it grow from the Orpheum Theater over to the Guinness Arena and now over at the Fleet Center or TD Bank North Garden, whatever the hell they call it now, it's so great and it's such a, raised all of this money and unlike most of the charities, this money actually goes to the victims, it's phenomenal to be a part of it, it's always like a, like a stand-up cup comedian, like high school reunion, you know, I get to see all these guys that I don't get to see enough, it was just a phenomenal time and I want to thank everybody that bought tickets and gave to that

great charity and I look forward to doing many more in the future, hopefully, God willing, all right, that's the podcast, go fuck yourselves, I'll talk to you next week. And cook me, yeah, the leise, me with a cleaver.