Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-11-13

Episode Date: November 12, 2013

Bill rambles about racist cheese steak drama, the word benevolence and meeting Bill Cosby.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Barr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday November 11th, 2013. How's it going, Joe? You know, guess who got his Boston Red Sox championship hat the other day? This guy, this guy right here. Oh, I was there from October 7th on. I'll tell you the mental anguish that I went through as a fan over those 23 days, whatever the fuck it took them to win it. But I got to tell you, I actually don't like the hat. It just makes me feel old when I look at it. It just used to just be the B and then it'd be like 2013 champions. That's all you needed. Now they got the fucking trophy spinning out to the right. The B's over here. It's a fucking mess. You know, I don't

I just look I like, you know what I look like when I put it on? I look like I'm trying to start a wrapping career. Can I have the middle aged white guy? Our team won a championship and I kind of sucked in gym class. But God damn it, I had heart white dude hat. Can they make one of those? I don't fucking know. Oh, I don't know. Anyways, I'm, you know, not shitting on that, you know, thought that style of a hat. I'm just saying it just looks dumb on my head. You know, I'm white. Of course I observed sports. Why would you pick me? I am right where I'm supposed to be in the stadium. I'm sitting in the stands. How about having a little consideration for a rapidly aging balding slow red headed white dude and

give me a nice boring hat? What am I fucking Ashton Kutcha? Is that an old reference? I think that fuckers in his 30 by now. I don't know what happened in the last 10 years, but I've noticed it in my act when I go to make references. I think I brought this up before I was doing a college gig. So I'm up there. I'm trying to be hip. I'm trying to be down. I don't know what I was doing. And I made a reference. I needed a reference for, you know, a young pop, skanky kind of chick. And I threw up Britney Spears and dude, I'm telling you, absolute fucking crickets. I got nothing on it. And then I just did the math quickly in my head. I'm like, wait a minute, Britney Spears is like a 32, 33 year old divorced

mother of two at this point. She's not that 18, 17, 18 year old girl coming out. Yeah, I popped my pussy. Whatever the fuck she sang in a little fucking outfit, you know, total entrapment. Hey, once she's of age, can you still go back and jerk off to that video? Or is that still looking at Kitty porn? Look, I know in the video, she's 17, but right now she's 26. So even if you split the difference, she's like 23, right? Anyway, so then I had to like, I made a reference. I did Don Myrera's podcast and we were talking about, he busted me when I did, maybe it wasn't his podcast. I did his standup show down at the laugh factory, the world famous laugh factory, everybody. All right. And if you're around the world

and you've never heard of the world famous laugh factory, then I think you need to become a little more cosmopolitan, a little more worldly. Okay, you got the Great Wall of China. You got the Octo Triumph and you have the world famous laugh factory on Sunset Strip. All right. Run by the always lovely Jamie Masada. And I was down there doing a standup thing and Dom has this cool show where like, you know, you do stand up and then after you're done, he comes up and he does these interviews, which is more, you just sit there breaking each other's balls and laughing your ass off. So he called me out on dusting off some old topical material, but I forget how I dropped into it. But I did the whole, oh, speaking

of this, you know, what's up with Monica Lewinsky? I mean, it wasn't that bad, but it was one of those deals where he busted me and I laughed about it. And I was, I was reminded this time in like the early 2000s, I was working with this fucking hack and he was on stage and he just goes out of nowhere. He goes, you know, people are still talking about OJ. He just, the OJ Simpson trial was in 90 of the debt of murder happened in June of 94. And the trial concluded in October of 95. And it was 2002. And this guy goes, people is still talking about OJ seven fucking years later. And then he proceeds to do material that wasn't seven years after the case kind of thing. It was like, this was shit that

he wrote while the trial was going on. And anyway, so I go to tell that story and I'm at the laugh factory and it's a crowd of 20 somethings. And I tell it to Dom and I want to say Dom laughed, but it got nothing from the crowd. And then I'm just looking going, all right, say like the average person here is 24. That means they were born in 1989. That means OJ, you know, I shouldn't even see me got acquitted, right? I never understood that case. He got acquitted, but he still had to give everybody all his stuff. Like they need more evidence to send you to jail for life. But you know, to get all his stuff, including his Heisman trophy, all the other side just asked me, I mean, come on, you know,

we did who else would have done it? And then it's like, you know, the end of the wheel of fortune. You're just like, all right, first slicing my daughter's throat, I'll take the dinette set for 700. That's disgusting, fellas. A disgusting joke. Well, fuck you. I got an hour to fill here talking to myself. What would you be talking about six and a half minutes in exactly? Okay, so sit back down in your plastic staples chair and you put your head down in your desk inside of your fucking cubicle. I don't hear another word out of you for the next fucking 53 and a half minutes. Okay. I'm in no mood. I got a long podcast ahead of me. And the last thing I need is someone like you getting all fucking

up next to your stapler. Anyways, yeah, so I'm starting to feel my age. I mean, I look, I look phenomenal despite the top of my dome from just below my hairline down from my age. I look phenomenal. I don't fuck you. I look great. All right, I've seen other 45 year olds. It's not a pretty sight. And maybe it's because they got married and they had a bunch of kids, right? And they made them some omelets and the kids didn't finish it because they didn't have teeth yet. So then you got to eat their omelets too. And then you start walking sideways out of your house just to a gym, right? You just start using momentum to get to your car, you know, you put your belly right on the fucking driver's

side door, leaning against it, you know, like a heavyweight fighter trying to wear down his opponent, you just leaning against your car as you're fiddling around trying to find your keys in your pocket. You literally have to take a break from carrying that bacon, egg and cheese mass right in front of you. The fucking suspension digging in on the opposite side of the car, like when I try to tip my dog over, you know, I don't know how difficult cow tipping is, but trying to tip over a pit bull is practically impossible. They get low and they put two of their bionic fucking legs on the opposite side of their body. And then they also have like webtoes and they just dig into the carpet. Isn't that right,

Cleo? No, dude, I got to put up this video of her snoring the other night, last night. She sounded like a fucking trucker who just got back from a fucking there and back trip across the country, full of hobbies, laying on her back, fucking face twitching, REM sleep and just snoring. I don't know. I don't think she got sleep apnea. I don't know what her deal is. I fucking love her though. So anyways, the hell was I just talking about? Oh yes, looking good for my age, but I'm starting to feel it feeling it with the references. So the other day I was working. What the hell was I had an unbelievable weekend. I worked DC, New York and Philly. And I'm backstage in New York City at the Beacon Theater. All

right, legendary theater, just beyond anything I ever thought about. I used to go to stand up New York on the Upper West Side and my whole fucking thing was just being able to get a spot there. First on a weekday, a scheduled spot, not to get thrown up to actually have my name on the schedule. He has a 10, 20, right? And then it became, can I do a weekend spot? But I, you know, I get off the subway and I'd walk by that theater a zillion time and it never even dawned on me that a comedian can even fucking play a place like that. That's how far away that was. So I hope if you were in the area, you had a chance to come down there because both of those shows were, I don't know, that was something else, something else right up

there with Carnegie or any of those other things. And but there was something about the beacon that just, it felt like, I don't know, felt like I was at the cellar, like comfortable, was awesome. So anyways, Jesus Christ, I forgot what the fuck I was talking about. All right, let's back it up. It's how my brain works. It goes in a straight line. So I got a, you know, like when you miss an exit, you got a backup back in the day and you go back and look at the sign back in the car up, or maybe you just pulled over and your dad got out all pissed off and left his family of five sitting on the side of the road waiting to be rear-ended. Well, people didn't text when they drove back then. So I guess it was normal, right?

Ah, shit. What the fuck was I talking about? I can't remember. I literally cannot remember anything that I said before. No, wait, I said a bad joke. O.J. Dinette said, Christ. And there it is. And then it just hits the fucking beach. And now here we are. We're in a fucking lull. I guess I was talking about eating like shit. You know, I was doing so well. I got myself down to about a buck seventy. You know, I'm watching that UFC, the ultimate fighter, right? I'm watching that this season. Everybody on the show is in shape. The women have fucking taken it to the next level. They're having some of the best fights of the season. And it's making me want to work out. And then I went on the road.

And this is a funny thing. I went out with Verzi, right? And we're not drinking right now. We're on the wagon. Although I drank Wednesday and Thursday, but I'm still on. I still consider on the wagon Wednesday. I got fucked up. And I paid for it the whole day. And I was like, this is stupid. I got it. How many times do I have to learn this lesson? Oh, I got to tell you guys, I went to the Rangers game, the Rangers Penguins game on, what was that, Wednesday night? I got to tell you, what a fucking venue. You know, they redid the whole thing. Seriously, after going to the Clippers Warriors game, just being in the Staples Center, because I really love LA and I don't look at the people

like that plastic phony or that type of shit. But I got to tell you, having gone to that game Sunday night and then gone to Madison Square Garden, just, you could not compare the atmospheres. It was just fucking, I thought, can I stop saying that annoying word? The atmosphere inside of the stadium was just, it was electric. Yeah, but you could feel there was something palpable in the air, the, the, the, the pirate victory that was to come. That was fucking amazing. There's just nothing like being in a stadium, watching a team that has a history, albeit a tragic one, but has a history and everybody just grew up watching them and they know the history of the game. There's rivalries. You just,

you feel it, you know, it's like a, uh, it's like one of those home cooked meals that gets better every time you reheat it. You know, like a beef stew, a gumbo. Let's throw that out there for the wonderful people down there in New Orleans. I actually got homesick, you know, last night when I watched a little bit of the Saints Cowboys, I watched a little bit of the Saints Cowboys game and, um, when they were, they were shooting down the street, you know, they always play that New Orleans music and shit and, uh, Al Michaels are going, was sitting there talking about how they were shooting right down Canal Street and I stayed there at the hotel. There was the hotel, there's the fucking Harris, there's the cigar bar and I missed it.

But I got to tell you, I ended up shutting off the game because I was so tired and I, what did I, I ended up watching this documentary on Dr. J on the NBA channel. You guys got to see it. Of course, I don't know the name of it, but, uh, just, they don't, never made one like that. Never again before or after just the combination. That guy was so fucking cool and so classy and even to this day, you want to talk about a guy aging well, you know, they said that he, uh, he can still dunk and I'm not going to say whether or not he proves that he can still do it, but you definitely should watch the documentary of the shit that the guy was doing, especially all you guys from the Jordan era or maybe the Kobe era who just went

just as far back as Michael Jordan. If you want to know how Michael existed or whatever, it's cause he got to, I mean, aside from obviously all his hard work and all that type of stuff, but he got to watch a guy like, like Dr. J and, uh, they showed all the classic shit. His dunk on Michael Cooper. Um, and then that one where in the 1980s finals, when he drives baseline, jumps up in the air and he's got the ball, I think maybe in the third row, sort of doing this sort of windmill thing, swooping around and he's literally, his momentum carries him out of bounds. There's some giant white dude and I don't know if it was Kareem or who else just completely took away that side of the rim. It was over. So anybody else, even an all star,

maybe the best they could do is maybe look to see, find somebody open underneath the basket to pass it to him or do the playground thing where you try to throw it off a defensive player and it's out on them. Right. But instead he just keeps flying through the air. All right. There's two tall people blocking this side of the rim. I think I'll just keep gliding through the air. I'm starting to come down. So I'll pull my legs up a little bit, give me, give myself a little more hang time, comes back all the way to the other side of the basket, everything, but probably, you know, his halfway to his right forearm down to the tip of his fingers is out of bounds, the other way. And he just reaches back in bounds at the last second. It puts like a reverse spin

on the ball for a reverse layup on the other side. I can't explain it. And it goes by so fucking fast. You have to watch it in slow motion. They got that, they got all the ABA highlights and the stuff. They were given away like they had a dollar night or something like that at Nassau Coliseum with a New York Nets plate when he was in the ABA. And it was a dollar, a ticket, 9,000 people showed up. And if you showed up, not only was your ticket only a dollar, they gave away a free loaf of bread. So then you start to see all that Will Ferrell semi pro stuff. It's just, it's awesome. And I'm actually looking it up right now. Dr. J. Documentary. I guess it's just called the doctor. Watch NBA TVs, the doctor, full documentary. Jesus Christ,

it's already up online. It's fucking sons of bitches. Definitely check it out. And then they got all his awesome commercials with all the fucking seventies music. They had this one, it goes, Hey, hey, Dr. J. Where'd you get those moves? You move with such grace. Are you a member of the human race? They literally go, are you a member of the human race? Like you'd political correctness would never let you get away from that with the underlying racist comments. What they were really trying to say was we've never seen anybody play like that. But you know, those Aryan cunts, of course, would be like, you know, that's exactly what we were saying, right? I guess the Nazi guys would talk like that, right? Do you actually have like a bad German accent like I

just did? But you got to see it, but you got to watch that commercial. I'm going to put a link up for that. Because then the dude, the second verse that they don't show in the documentary, he goes up into that fucking seventies falsetto. It's the shit. And he loved it. She like was like memorizing the song. I was walking around our house singing it last night, which is why I love her. All right. So there's that's definitely check out the doctor on the NBA channel, watch it on the NBA channel. All right, help out that zillion dollar business with their mobbed up refs. So anyways, where the hell are we? Oh my god, where did the last fucking 12 minutes go? It's just really flies by when you're having fun.

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New York comedy festival, which was why I was at the, uh, I was in New York city working at the Beacon Theater. Um, I was so weird. This, this was my weekend. I worked our constitution hall where Eddie Murphy taped delirious and Chris Rock did, I think never scared or shoot the messenger. I forget which one. Um, so I got to work that place and then I did the beacon, you know, which is the beacon and then I got to do the tower theater and Philly. So, um, it was insane. It was absolutely insane. And this is my, we couldn't have gotten any better. Um, because it was the New York, um, comedy festival, there was all these big name comics, that were in town and, uh, Bill Cosby was working at the theater down in Madison square garden.

And, uh, it was on my bucket list. You know, I got to see this guy. I saw Carlin. I never saw prior. I have to see Bill Cosby. Um, I saw Don Rickles earlier this year and, uh, you know, there's a lot of people that I should have seen throughout my career and I never did because I was too busy trying to get better myself. And I was always like, I'm going to see him. I'm going to see him. I'm going to see him. And like, I never saw Carlin when I was actually a standup comic where I could have appreciated him even more. I saw him and, um, I told you this story before, I'll tell it again real quick, being a buddy of mine, saw him at the Cape Cod Melody tent and we actually went down there to laugh at him,

if you can believe it, because my buddy had convinced me that he was still doing his more stuff bit that he hadn't changed up his stuff. So we were driving to the venue drinking and laughing going more stuff. Like we just were like, we're going to go down there. We actually used to go out like I went and I saw a live taping of the Morton Downey Jr. show. We would go out to go see stuff like that to enjoy it and also laugh at the people that thought it was great stuff. Morton Downey Jr. was great, but come on. It was a shit show, right? We saw Dice. We love Dice. We saw him at the Worcester Central. We didn't go down there to laugh at him by any stretch of the means. We went down there to fucking laugh our balls off and we did.

Saw him at the Worcester Central. But we went to go see Carlin. We went down there to laugh and I think he was going to do all his old material. And of course we go there and he had a brand new killer hour and he was 10 times the comic that he was the last special, just how he just kept growing throughout his whole career. So anyways, but I never saw him when I was an actual standup comic. I saw him when I wasn't a comic. So all I knew was this guy was funny as hell. So anyways, long story short, I was flying to New York and they had an article in the New York Post that said that Cosby was in town and he was doing the festival. So I called up and I asked if there was any way I could stand in the back and blah, blah, blah, blah and just check them out.

And they hooked me up and they actually got me to the side of the stage and I was thinking, oh maybe, maybe he'll just walk by and I'll get to shake his hand. No, I don't want to bug him. I don't want to bug him. So I go backstage and of course there's like 40 people standing there because you want to go, you got to see Bill Cosby. So I'm standing there and then this woman goes, hey, you want to go up and meet him. And I was like, meet who? And she was, and I'm like Cosby and she was like, yeah. So she starts walking up towards his dressing room and I'm, it's like I had fucking mud and I'm walking in mud like I was afraid. I was afraid. So I'm walking out and I'm going, are you sure it's okay? Are you sure it's okay? Because this

wasn't somebody running the festival. This was just like a PA that was bringing me up there and it's right before he's going on. And I'm thinking like, it just didn't seem like this was going to happen. So she walks up, knocks on his door. I hear somebody say, come in. That's not him. And they open the door and there he is sitting there with one other guy. And so I walk in thinking I'm going to get an intro from the PA and she just closes the door behind me. And now I'm standing there. It's me. There's other dude. And Bill Cosby, the other two were sitting down and I'm standing up. And Cosby looks up at me and he just goes, who are you? And immediately my heart is pounding. I'm like, I'm Bill Burr. I'm a standup comedian and he

interrupts and he just goes, and why are you here? So now I'm going like, oh my God, this is the fucking nightmare. I didn't want to come up here. I didn't want to bug him. I was tongue tied. I had, I, there was nothing. I, what am I going to, why am I here? I don't know why I'm here. I didn't ask to come up here. She just fucking dragged me. So it's three excruciating seconds after he said, and why are you here? And I'm just sitting there with my jaw on the ground. And then he finally lets me off the hook and he goes, you are here because I asked you to be. And then he motions to a chair and goes, sit down. So I sit down. He had no idea who I was. I think he knew that I was a comedian, but I, I, I sat down and immediately I just had this

fucking ear to ear grin on my face that I couldn't wipe away. And I just, as I was sitting down, I was like, I've got to tell you, this is like meeting the Pope and he goes, yes, but way more entertaining. I can't do it the way he did. He just had me laughing. And he proceeded to just start talking to me about how excited he was about his new special and about the way that he shot the thing and, and, and the artistic way he's like, you have to see this thing. And he was saying, there's no crowd shots. He goes, I don't want the camera on my crowd. He goes, leave my people alone. Let them laugh if they think it's funny. He goes, I don't want the camera on them. And then they get self conscious and they feel like

they have to, and he imitates their laugh and he does that Cosby. Ah, did that thing. It was insane. So then he goes, he goes, I'm going to tell you something about shooting a special. And then he looks at the other guy. He goes, I don't think I should tell him this. You know what? I'm going to tell it. I'm going to, I'm going to tell it to him. And he turns to talk to me and right then the door opens and the PA comes back and goes, Mr. Cosby, are you ready? And he goes, Oh yes, of course. And he stands up and he walks out. So I never got to hear that, that the secret of shooting a special from a guy who I think, you know, I, I've said this before, I feel like Richard Pryor

live in concert and Bill Cosby himself run the entire gamut of it's like two perfect games. Um, I can't, I can't explain it. And it's just one, just absolutely like Cosby is just totally clean other than he says asshole one time, but it's totally necessary. It's just not an ounce of fat in that special just wire to wire. He's just sitting down, killing, not cursing, just like, I just, you couldn't do it any better. As far as just a written special all the way to Pryor live in concert, which is just like, I don't know. That's just, I don't know how to describe that style just open free going off. Not like you don't have your bits, but like those nights when you're just on as a comic and you're just tagging every joke in a three minute

joke becomes a five minute joke and a five minute joke becomes a 12 minute joke. And then the next time you do your, your set, you're thinking about how you did it the last time. So you're in your head and then your three minute joke that became a five minute joke now becomes a one minute joke and you burn through an hour of material in 17 minutes and you're on stage going, what the fuck happened? Anyways, those are the two perfect things. So anyways, then he goes downstairs and he walks out on stage and just sits down. He has like a, you can't even see it. It's like this clear mic that almost like he would be like typing into on a keyboard. So it's hands free kind of thing. And he sits down almost like a catcher and he's just like, like he's sitting down on a stoop

and just does like an hour. You know, he was only doing like there was a number of comics that were on it. Um, but he just sits down and like he did 30 years ago when I saw him or whatever the hell it was. Yeah, it was 30 years ago, just absolutely just total command of the crowd. I've never seen anything like it, but there was so many people backstage talking and that type of thing that, I still have to go see that guy live. Cause I hear they said when he did his special, he did two shows, both 90 minutes, both all different material. And I brought that up to him when I was talking to him real quickly. I still can't believe I'm saying this. Yeah. When I was talking to Bill Cosby and he said, uh, and he just was humble. He

goes, well, you know, I've been doing this for like 50 years. I should have that much material when you think and it's just like, yeah, but it's, that's all relevant. You know, don't you have any topical stuff that you have to throw on? It's just unbelievable. So, um, he's touring, he's out there. He's part of one of the last ones from a generation that taught the rest of us how to do it. So if he comes to your town, I can't recommend it enough to go out and go see that guy. But, uh, yeah, so that was my week. You know, that doesn't suck, does I don't think so. Um, so what else did I do? Let's talk about some of the shit I did with, uh, New Jersey zone, Paul Versey, you know, I'm actually rooting against the Giants,

not cause I hate him, but because Paul Versey said when they were all in six that they were going to go on a run. Remember I said that, you know, I got a feeling, you know, they, they, they, they could turn, you know, so I, it's not that I don't want to see the Giants go on a run. It's just, I don't want to listen to Paul tell me that he called it for the next six years. Okay. The fact that he's still talking about Cano and all that, I don't need another thing. Him going like, ah, like when we're both like when I'm 60 and he's 50, I don't want to be listening to him talking about the 2013 regular fucking season that they could go on a run and blah, blah, blah. And also just having watched the Giants, you know,

win against the Patriots in the Super Bowl twice when the Patriots had them and they let them off the hook. Now I'm not taking away from the Giants because the Giants still had to fucking deliver and Jesus Christ did they, and they all stepped up and they all made a play where we didn't where Sante Samuel's dropped a fucking interception, you know, and we Brady to Welker six yards fucking completion that would have gone for a first down and the game is over and you leave the door open for them. They are just a blessed team. The fact that you can go 0 and 6. Okay. And then when your next two games and only be two games out in a 16 game season, they have a horseshoe buried so far up their fucking ass,

like they literally, they could actually win their division starting 0 and 6. Starting 0 and 6 as a football team is basically that would be like losing your first 50 games as a baseball team going like 0 and 50. Okay. Cause what all in eight is half the season. So all in six, I can't, I'm not doing the math. I can't even do the math. We'll say that's 40% of the season. There's 162 games. That's 40. We'll just go 40 and four. That's, that's like losing your first 70. Ah, gee, I don't fucking know. It's like losing a bunch of fucking games and then somehow not only do you go on a run, you like you win your division. It's insane. Wait, did the Cowboys win last night? I got to look it up. I started watching that Dr. J documentary. They were playing the Saints. I'm

going to guess no Saints at home. Let's see. Cowboys Saints. This is entertaining, right? Listening to some douchebag look up a score. And I'm going to say the Saints won. Jesus, did they ever 4917? What the fuck? So now they're five and five. Now I'll fuck this. I got to look it up. Dude, this is fucking hilarious. NFL. Let's get me the NFL.com official website. Standings. Here we go. Standings. What are they a game up now? The Giants are three and six. So that, that, that two out, that two guys back this fucking hilarious. They're actually tied with the Redskins. The Washington Redskins. You want to be ashamed of yourselves. You want to be

ashamed of yourselves. Jesus Christ. They went 0 and 6. The Giants went 0 and 6 and it only took them nine games to catch you. Oh, wow. That's depressing. We're already nine games into this fucking season. Fuck it just doesn't, it just goes by too fast. It's already November. Unbelievable. But thank God there's hockey. And I'm actually kind of into the, into the NBA this year. I don't know, but it's, it's very hard to stay up on both those leagues because there's so many games and they play like that. Their seasons just completely overlap each other. Have you noticed that this baseball football, like people are either baseball, football, basketball or baseball, football, hockey, um, you know, if you're going to go, if you're going to try to watch as much as

you can, and then you throw in the golf and you got to watch Wimbledon, right? I mean, no wonder the years are flying by and your wife has that angry look on her face. You know, it's, it's just flying. Oh, another one you guys got to watch, watch the Pat Summerall documentary of football life on Pat Summerall. That's another one. Just, uh, just amazing, you know, and made me feel good about my drinking considering the way they, people used to go back in the day. Um, dude, the last Super Bowl, I forget the guy, it was before my time that Pat Summerall was paired up with before John Madden. Um, it was just like an open joke that they used to go out boozing, like kind of like in a D Martin kind of way. See Pat Summerall,

um, broadcast team, broadcast partner. There we go. Let's see if I can find it. Oh, Tom Brookshire, was that the guy's name? Yeah, I think it was Tom Brookshire. And they actually, before Super Bowl 13, the second time the Cowboys and the Steelers met up, they came on the air and both look like shit and talked about how they'd been there since Tuesday. The game was on Sunday or something, how they'd been there since Tuesday and how they felt like they had been there for there for nine years and were just basically openly admitting that they were fucking hungover and felt like shit. It was insane. So those are two documentaries to watch. Um, oh, by the way, I had a great, great fucking time

when I was in Philly. Um, whenever I drive to Philly down from New York, by the time I get into Philadelphia, I absolutely fucking hate the city. I just hate the fact that you just can't seem to get off the goddamn Jersey Turnpike. You gotta, I always take that exit five. I always take the wrong one. I gotta weave my way through like 12 suburban towns going by a goddamn gazebo to go to a major city. It's a major city. You got four major fucking teams. I don't understand why they don't have some fucking throughway where I can continue to drive 70 miles an hour and get to Philly in no time whatsoever. I know I'm taking the wrong one. I should take that one. That's the 30 that you go over the Ben Franklin Bridge, but I went over that, that other one exit five. We

end up going over like that fucking footbridge. Um, and you're pissed and you get there and it's like 12 one ways and going in the same direction than another one going the other way and you're like, my hotel's right fucking there. How do I get to it? And you're pissed, but then you see Mitchell and Ness and all the great food and then you're walking around. You have a great time. So anyways, um, we went and we did the shows at the Tower Theater. Crowds were awesome. Now I'm just fucking awesome. And, um, oh, and you know, it was awesome too, was some woman came to my team came to the first show and as I was walking off stage, like handed me a loaf of pumpkin bread because I, uh, I mentioned I was talking shit about

how good my pumpkin bread was. So she hands me this loaf of pumpkin bread as I'm getting off stage and I'm laughing like, like, cause I know why she gave it to me and I'm walking upstairs and she has it wrapped very professionally. Like she has cellophane around it and then she has this plastic bag over that with the twisty, a twist tie. And now I'm going upstairs and I walk by the guy, I go, look at somebody, maybe some pumpkin bread and you know, there's no barcode on it. There's no governmental shit. This stuff has not gone through any sort of stuff whatsoever. So I'm literally, I say to the guy backstage, I go, do you got any, you got a rat problem back here? Can I feed a piece of this to a rat and just see what happens to the rat? Like a little food

testing before I bite into this, make sure there's no weed in it or any shit like that. And, um, and whatever. So I went upstairs and I was just like, I got to try it. And, uh, I hope the person who made it is, is listening. It was fucking outstanding, outstanding. Uh, I'm not going to say it was better than mine. That's like saying Cosby's better than prior. Our pumpkin breads are both coexisting in that stratosphere and it would just really be a, a, it would just be a, a personal, personal preference. I got to tell you, um, whoever made it, made it and handed it to me. It was outstanding. Verzi had some too.

And was like, it's like, I couldn't throw it out. Actually, Paul took it home to his family. So I hope the drugs or whatever you did to it aren't in the middle of it because he has kids. But it was fucking delicious. So thank you very much for that. Um, it's very nice of you. Um, and speaking of battling, which is better? My pumpkin bread, your pumpkin bread. All right, you're in Philly. You don't live there. Or even if you do live there, how do you end a great night? Come on. You got to go to Geno's or Pat's for this fucking steak and cheeses, right? And I'm sure the people in Philly, oh, fuck both those places and fucking tourist trap.

You need to go to uncle fuck. He's over here, but whatever. For not a town guy, that's what I did. So I go down there and as far as he's going, so what should we do? Should we do Pat's or Geno's? And I'm like, well, fuck it. Why don't we go, uh, we'll get one of each and we'll cut them in half and we'll, we'll, you know, trade mix and match, do a little surf and turf and see which one we like better. So of course we go, we go to Pat's first and we order it and it's just one giant fucking steak and cheese sub and they don't have even have a plastic knife fee to cut it up. All they have is a spoon for, I don't know what, if you get cheese fries or something. So Verzi's got to tear it in half and I go over to, uh, we're standing in line at Geno's.

I'm eating half a, one of, uh, Pat's right. I got one wit is what we got and dude, it was fucking delicious. Fucking delicious. So then I go to the, uh, Geno's place, same deal. We ordered another one and as I go up there, I know I had been there before, but I never noticed the sign there on Geno's where it says, uh, he's got two signs. One says, I'm mad as hell. I want my country back and it's a picture of the, uh, the original owner. I really don't want to fuck this up. Joey Vento and it's a picture of him basically on with a picture of just the lower 48. I love how he blows off Alaska and Hawaii. He wants his country back and then below that

there's a picture that says, uh, uh, this is America when ordering speak English. And I was just like, Jesus Christ, man, that's like some old school Bronx tail Archie Bunker shit. And I saw it and I was like, I was, who's funny to me because there was this table of like five Latino people standing around speaking Spanish or whatever, eating the food. And I'm like, wow, that is a testament to how good your fucking food is where you can just like openly insult somebody like that. And, um, well, I guess they spoke English too because they did order out of fucking no, I'm just saying that your food is so good that you could be like insulting that much openly insulting and, uh, people still order it. So I looked it up and

there's this whole thing where this guy, Joey Vento's son, um, um, Joey Vento passed away and, uh, his son took over the business and I guess it was this guy's dying wish to keep the speak English sign of Gino still up there. I'll read you the article real quickly here. It said last week, uh, eatery Philly ran a photo of rapper Buster Rhymes hanging out at Gino's stakes in South Philly. This was all well and good, but what really caught our interest was an update to the item explaining that the speak English sign is still being proudly displayed at Gino's because it preserves, because it's preservation was what late owner Joey, Jesus Christ, I'm sorry guys,

because it's preservation was late owner Joey Vento's dying wish. Gino recently retained Neff associates, the same public relation firm that began handling the Joe's Oh yeah, the Joe's verse chinks racist cheesesteak drama. Oh, this is a PR firm. Neff PR director Kyle Flett explains the Gino sign situation in an email today. Uh, he says, as you know, Gino's is under new management since the passing of Joey Vento. Gino Vento Joey's openly gay son is the new owner and operator. And I think it's important to inform you that he does not share all of the polarizing views his father was famous for. I think it's also important for you to know that we

ever tamed Joe's stakes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever. I guess it was this guy's dying wish. His dad's dying wish was to keep it up there. So his son sort of caught in the middle. I don't know. It's actually an intro, almost like an interesting piece of history where they have like colored bathroom only. We just kind of see how far we've come yet haven't come that far. I don't know. It was, it was pretty, takes a lot to kind of shock me. I was just like, Jesus Christ. And then I felt like, well, fuck this place. I don't want to eat here. I'll just eat at the other place. And I just heard, well, that's owned by the same family. I don't know, for the record, I like Pat's better on that

night. So it might be one of those nights where any given night, but they're both absolutely delicious. So then I had to look up this, the Joe's versus Chinks racist cheesesteak drama. So I look up this one, by the way, all of this shit is making me feel much better about being from the Boston area, because we seem to get like other than the South, like when you talk about racist cities in the North, people always talk about Boston. And I guess there was a place that's now called Joe's Stakes and whatever. Oh Jesus, where the fuck is the thing? Where's the article here? Okay, Philly is renaming a cheesesteak shop that used to be called Chinks. All right, Philadelphia, capital city of the

United States is great at many things. It's great at being within a relatively short drive. Unfortunately, two topics it is yet to master are race relations and nuance, which is why its residents are freaking out that a Philly cheesesteak shop known since 1949 as Chinks Stakes has just changed its name to Joe's Stakes and Soda Shop. Chinks was named for its original owner, whose name wasn't Chink, but who boy did he look like one according to his grade school classmates. The Philadelphia Inquirer notes that the late Samuel Chink Sherman, so some guy named Sam Sherman, had almond shaped eyes, so everybody called him Chink. Folks in the shop's neighborhood

understand why someone somewhere at some point maybe could find the well-known racial slur inappropriate, but they stopped just short of admitting that it actually is. And because nothing flavors meat like a couple of decades of racism, they're pissed that Chinks no longer exist. Here's a sampling of some of the best lines of complaints. Back then, ethnic slurs slipped off the tongue as smoothly as melted American cheese. Cracker Barrel hasn't had to change their name. I mean, that could be made into a racist thing. Others said the passing of Chinks symbolized the neighborhood's decline. If the shop had been named with the slur against blacks, that would be offensive, said Terrell Jenkins, a 44-year-old African-American man, but Chink was a nickname.

It could have been a term of endearment. See, that's the one thing that I've learned about travel. It's just people just give a shit about themselves. So there's an African-American guy, you think he'd have empathy, he doesn't give a fuck, it's not coming in his direction. So he's, ah, you know, could have been a term of endearment. It sounds like a white dude at that point. You know what that reminds me of? That reminds me of back in the day, one of those, you know, England, they have that stupid royalty, these kings and queens and duches and dukes, and they just all this pomp and circumstance, I guess they don't make any decisions over there. But God knows,

I haven't really read up on it. So what the fuck do I know? But anyways, they had some sort of polo club over there. And there was some Middle Eastern guy who was a member, and I think he was one of the only Middle Eastern guys, everybody else was these, you know, blue blood guys that all, you know, then sestuous fucking, so they all have weird ears and fucked up looking faces like Prince Charles, you know, and their nickname for him was Sooty. They called him Sooty. So that got out, and the Pakistani guy, whatever the hell his name, whatever ethnicity he was, he said, like, oh no, it was a term of endearment. I don't mind. I just love like that's such like a blue blood Rothschild level like Sooty, you know, like the soot from the chimney from the giant

fireplace in your fucking manner, you know, no one thinks about soot anymore. First of all, most houses don't even have fireplaces anymore. You can't even use them unless you buy an old one that's grandfathered in, you know, then they have these old fucking whatever, whatever the next style house up from a manner is, you know, that one that they shoot it from the air. And it looks like a public library, except the grounds are so fucking gorgeous. All the hedgerows to quote Led Zeppelin. If there's something in your hedgerow. So anyway, so I was just fascinating for me to read this like, I don't know, it just just reminded me this was like 1950s level sort of racism, like, like they're reading just shit and kind of being in that environment. I was surprised that

there weren't some people with their hair grease back standing around a like burning trash can singing dew up had a very Bronx tail sort of vibe to it. So but having said that those racist sons of bitches make some great food. They really do. And I've only ate there one time. So I'm not going to pass judgment other than to say my experience that night. Pat's, Pat's got the leg up. All right, but that's a divisional rivalry. So they play each other twice in one season. So I got to go back and have another game down there. It was fucking delicious. And I don't regret a second of putting that poison into my body. The fucking bread was delicious. The cheese was all of that toxic horrific shit that my body is probably still trying to process and decide where it should put

it in my body. I'm telling you right now, I would do it again tonight. And I just had it two nights ago. It was fucking delicious. So thumbs up on the cuisine. Thumbs down on the ignorant thought. But leaving the sign up. I definitely think the name of the place, if it's racist, you should get rid of it. But there was something about leaving the sign up that I don't know. To me, I looked at more it as like a museum. Like this was the guy and he was beloved in the neighborhood, yet he thought this way. He had another, he had another sign that they actually took down and said, real Americans don't press number two, which was a reference to, you know, if you'd like English press one, our primo numero dos, you know, there's always the fucking prima, whatever the fuck they

say is the Spanish. That one to me was actually funny. I don't condone it or whatever, but it was at least, it was least clever sort of racism. I just love that whole philosophy. You know, give me, I want my country back. And that's the same fucking guy that if a Native American came up, you know, instead I want my country back. Like, you know, this guy would immediately go into some sort of, I would imagine, I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I imagine he would go on some sort of fucking rant about how Native Americans were savages, you know, as we systematically fucking wiped them out, like a bunch of fucking savages. So whatever, it was really interesting. It was delicious food. Okay, let's get to some, let's get to some,

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promotional code BRR. Wow, that was brutal. I just really went off the rails. Okay, let's close that forever. Don't need to see that. Okay, on to the questions. Answer that question. All right. Oh, by the way, for all you Alabama fans, congratulations, you fucking assholes. That really devastated me. We had you. I really think if we scored that first touchdown, it would have been a different thing. You got to protect the fucking ball. You know, and then all of us, then they just get the discipline just went out the window and then completely went off the rails. You know, and I just have to say Nick Saban just completely outclassed the way his players played and all that. It's absolutely devastating. You fucking cunts.

All right. There you happy? Okay. Should I say yes, Bill, I'm a 16 year old virgin guy from Texas and really want to go balls deep in a snatch before college. Jesus Christ. Rub one out before you text me next time or email me. Homecoming is in a week and this girl who I talked to a lot last year doesn't have a date because her date didn't want to pay the 150 bucks. All right, you got yourself a wounded bird. Things are looking good so far. When this year started, we haven't talked and I've never texted her. I don't know where she texted me. I didn't even have her number. Immediately I knew it was going to be about homecoming because it was all about people we were talking about that week because it was all people we were talking about that week.

She asked me to go with her, but in a way that made me think she was using me so that she doesn't go alone. Yeah, there is a bit of that. She's definitely desperate. You know, you kind of like the third string quarterback and they both went down so they're sticking you in there. So I know what you're saying. Is she going to let me throw the deep ball or am I just going to have to go in there and take a fucking knee, right? Or hand it off, go in the eye formation of the wishbone. Anyways, he said, there's a pretty good chance I would get laid if I went. I told her, I think that I would think about it. Then she offered to pay for the mum and the food. What is the mum? Does she really want to go with me? Should I say yes?

And the hopes that I get to slam her cunt. You know, dude, I really can't figure you out. It's like you're acting like a virgin by not saying yes to this layup. And then you're just really talking about her in a really disrespectful way. This girl is an angel. All right, the fact that she's going to give it up to a fucking 16 year old virgin, show a little bit of respect, but you might be also, this might be your insecurity that you are a virgin. So you're trying to talk really aggressively about something that you might have a little bit of fear about. I have no idea. Look, this is what you should do. If you're going to go with this girl, be a fucking sweetheart. All right, make her laugh, fucking dance her around the dance floor. Have a great goddamn time.

And if the opportunity presents itself, have at it. All right, but that's how you go into it. I mean, she's already paying for it. What kind of a fucking man? I mean, I guess you're a pimp at this point. A pimp virgin. You don't see that very often. Whatever you're doing, it seems to be working, but I just have a little more respect for it. That's all I'm saying. All right, go in there. Have a good time. All right. What's that? What is that? What's that? John Madden speaks at Joe Bartnick always quotes tonight. Today will be the greatest day of your life, but only if you win. So good luck, man. I hope you, I hope you win. All right. There you go. But be respectful. God damn it. All right. Car purchase process. Hey there, Bill McRedbeard in balls.

McRedbeard in balls. I like that. It's kind of like a law firm. I love the podcast and love the standup. Have tickets to see you in DC tonight. Well, I hope you enjoyed the show. I had a phenomenal time. He said, my question is about your car purchase process. When you bought your Prius, did you do it? Did you do it celebrity style and send one of your cronies with a Scrooge McDuck style money bag over to the dealership, then have it delivered to your place? Or did you go in old school and negotiate face to face? Were you one of those assholes who bicker over $100 or did you just buy the whole shebang and make some poor sap sales guys day? I asked because I've been selling cars for 10 years. I find that the people who dicker

over the smallest amount of money are usually the most miserable, consturing and after the sale, while the people who pay the most are the happiest customers. I'm happiest customers I have and send me all their friends and family, fellow ginger and sleazy car salesman. All right. So you own up to it that you're robbing those people. I tried to, I tried to haggle over the price and I was buying the Prius when gas prices were like four, four something a gallon back in like 2007. So they couldn't keep those things on the lot. So I was just like, this is my offer. Take it or leave it. And they're like, well, we're going to leave it. And I'm like, I'm walking out. I'm out of here. And they're like, all right, see you. I needed a car and I was renting one. That was the thing. If I

had another car, if I actually had a car that I could drive away with instead of a rental that was costing me money. So I just said, all right, fuck it. I'll just pay. I'll just pay it and I'll go do some more stand up gigs. But just personally speaking, if you can't knock any money off of the car, just because you know that they are fucking you over, you know, one of my buddies does it the best and he is also a salesman and he looks down on car salesman. He looks at you guys like, like hack comedians as far as like being salesman, he thinks you're the lowest of the low. Now, listen, that's not my thought. That's just his. He just calls them up and says the car that he wants and the price that he's going to pay. And he says, I'm calling for other dealerships. You

have till noon to get back to me. He does it something like that and they get back to him and he gets it for the price that he wants because it's a guaranteed sale. He's like, I'm buying a car today and these dealerships, they can't resist that. So I oversimplified it because I don't, I'm not totally you know, informed on, I always forget how it goes down. So I can't intelligently present what the fuck it is that he does, but that's the way he does it. But anyways, I'm actually, you know, thinking about buying Nia a nice car. So if any car salesman out there could give me some tips and present the ins and outs about how much they do more. Because you know, I've heard a lot of stuff like the sales slip on the side of the car, the car, the price up at the top is what the

dealership pays and that the dealership doesn't pay for any of the options and that type of thing, which doesn't seem right to me. I feel like they must get a discount on the options. What is the discount? And I also know that they need to make money. So what's a good, let's just say if I'm going to go buy a $30,000 car, all right? And if I look at the sheet, it's, it came in at 22 or 24, just say 24 and it's got six grand worth of fucking options or something like that. I don't, I don't even know if those numbers make sense. If your car salesman like, where should I be? Should I be in the middle of that? Should I be at 24? Where should I be? Let me know and I'll read it on to other people. All right. So I guess, and to answer your question, I was the guy who just

kind of paid. I'm not a miserable cunt as much as I sound like it. I'm actually a really, I'm a pretty happy guy, but you know, talking about how happy you are on fucking stage, I mean, it's not really going to be funny. So if I talk about my frustrations and my fears and my short comings, you know, yeah, that's where the comedy is. All right, there you go. All right, that was a twofer. All right, human farming, Billy beer balls. Have you heard of the concept of human farming? It really makes a lot of sense. Instead of primitive forms of slavery, the population works and produces for the elite class. The quality of life is terrible because the ends to the means of working is really just to service a higher system. You have no idea you're a part of this

video summarizes it really well, sleep well. So I actually went to go look at this thing, this human farming, and I understand what they're saying, but they, as always, you know, they don't seem to, well, I didn't watch the whole video, but it's like in the 13 minutes, are they really going to give me a solution? And it also, first of all, the guy narrating it might be the most arrogant cunt I've ever heard in my life. I can't even, I'll click on it right now. If you, if you want, you know, he's just like, you know, a lot of people might be confused. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Ah, Jesus Christ. I got to get through the Dodge Durango commercial here. 14 seconds. You know, he's basically going like, you know, some people get confused and look at the

government as it's this thing that's helping them out. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Are you beginning to understand the cage that you were put in? Listen to this guy. And how you can finally be free. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me, let me, let me get back to the beginning here. Here we go. This is the story of your enslavement, how it came to be, and how you can finally be free. Like all animals, human beings want to dominate and exploit the resources around them. All right. So that's the tone this guy takes. Let's get a little bit further into this thing. Here we go.

Occupation throughout history. And it is now reaching its destructive climax. Human society cannot be rationally understood until it is seen for what it is. A series of farms where human farmers own human livestock. Some people get confused. Oh, shit. I pulled it away there. Some people get confused. Listen to this shit. Listen to this talking down to you. Some people get confused because governments provide healthcare and water and education and roads. And thus imagine that there is some benevolence at work. Nothing could be further from the reality.

All right. So then he breaks it down and then in the end he goes, are you beginning to understand the cage that you are in? And he keeps going. Some people get confused. It's like, dude, I'm not fucking confused. All right. You arrogant cunt. You sound like you're up your own ass. You sound like you're sitting on top of the fucking pyramid. All right. You know what this, this type of shit does that it doesn't take into consideration. It doesn't take into consideration mouth breathing fucking morons. That whole philosophy that why does this guy have this much and this guy has this much, that it's always the rich guy is evil and manipulative and undeserving.

Now I know this is shocking to hear from me the way I go off on bankers, but I'm really going off on the system of banking when I'm doing that. But like, you know, don't you guys have some fucking friends that, you know, they go to work, but they, they have no direction. They have no plan and they just sit around bitch moaning, complaining about their fucking life. You know, and they feel like they, they have like this sense of entitlement that they just fucking deserve shit because well, why should this guy be rich and I shouldn't. It's cause maybe cause he's smarter than you. Maybe he busted his fucking ass. Maybe you sit around smoking fucking weed or boozing it up

all day. Like there's no personal responsibility. That's what I don't like about this thing. There's no like, you know, it's just a hundred percent. These people who are running shit are 100% fucking evil and that all these people who are enslaved are all good people. Now I'm not saying that, you know, there aren't absolutely brilliant fucking people, but because of their lot in life, they ended up in a sweatshop in El Salvador. I'm not saying that, but what I'm saying is everybody in that sweatshop, you know, is not a fucking, I don't know what, it's not, it's, you know, there's some mouth breathing morons in there. That's a bad example because I'm, I'm not condoning sweatshop labor either, but I'm just saying go to a fucking sporting event

like I did and just be stone sober and just sit around and look at the fucking people. Okay. Look at this shit they're eating. Look at this shit they're drinking. Look at their behavior. Look at their clothes are hanging off their fat fucking asses and I know the food supply is poisoned and I know that there's a bunch of fucking lies and all that type of shit, but is there any effort on the part of that individual to try to squeegee in front of their fucking eyes or do they just accept it? And if you do just accept it, you know, then how do I feel bad for you? Okay. And I haven't said that, you know, racism, all that stuff about, you know, you're a third world country. I don't condone any of that shit. I don't condone sweatshop labor. I don't

condone, you should pay fucking people and they should, you know, they should, they should be able to live comfortably. All right. Obviously I think that I don't condone that Gino steak shit. Hey, this is America's meat fucking English. I don't condone any of that type of shit. But I don't, I don't also go to that so liberal where it's just like, Oh, look at that drug dealer. If he had the same opportunities I had, why he would be a doctor or a lawyer? It's like, Oh, why wouldn't he work at Enron or be a piece of shit banker? Why would he continue his scumbaggery? Why when he becomes in my situation, does he then become an angel? I grew up in a suburb. There was cul-de-sacs in my neighborhood. I sucked at math.

I didn't become a doctor or a lawyer. I tried to. I was too fucking stupid. So I don't go into that pie in the sky and I just can't get past this guy's fucking pregnant pauses. Some people are confused. It's like, dude, maybe you're fucking confused. Do you have a better idea? Do you have a better fucking system? I'm sure you do. And let me guess in your fantasy that you don't have to fucking put to a test. So it's never, so it can't be criticized because it's not been implemented. Let me guess it all works out. We're all fucking arm and arm and racism goes away and everybody has a nice pair of fucking loafers as they walk out to get their newspaper that was delivered by a paper boy who now makes 80 grand a year, right? I don't fucking know. Whatever. Watch it.

Now that you're polluted with my fucking thought on it, some people can use confused. Some people look at the government and think that there's some sort of benevolence going on. Just the fact that he uses benevolence, you know, making me feel stupid. What does benevolent mean? Is that some sort of fucking doing something for, you know, I should look it up. Let's look it up. Be and be Neville. Oh, Jesus, it just disappeared after the V. It gave up on me like, well, it can't be trying to hit. He can't be trying to spell that word. Okay. Benevolence. Let's go with the Webster's dictionary. Disposition to do good and act of kindness, a generous gift, a compulsory levy by certain English kings with no authority than the claim of prerogative. Well, Jesus,

it takes a left turn on definition number three, doesn't it? All right. So I think he's using it in the first or second. Disposition to do good. I don't fucking who the fuck knows. All right. Anyways, let's move on here before we try and solve the world's problems. You can go ahead and watch it if you want. All right. Naked picture situation. A sports illustrated. I like that one. It wasn't really insulting. Oh, by the way, the Celtics were 0 and 4 before they won their first game. So I immediately started looking at the draft for next year, which I haven't done in the NBA, I think ever being a hockey guy. And I have to tell you, I was absolutely fucking shocked to see that the top 10 draft picks projected next year, eight of them are freshmen,

eight out of 10 are freshmen in the other two are sophomores. Like it's such a tragedy that these guys can come out early. It just, I'm being selfish as a sports fan because I know that they have, you know, a lot of people, like it's a money situation. They got to come out. They come from a poor family or just a logical thing where I'm going to risk blowing out my knee, playing ball for free, or I can go to the NBA now and get a million dollars. I know it's a no brainer, but, you know, just back in the day, he got to watch four years, you know, of a Patrick Ewing or a Ralph Sampson, a Kim Elijah one. You saw those big men, like their, their college careers overlapping each other and the next great ones. And you're

thinking, Oh, wow, maybe he can win a championship by the time he's a senior or something like that. And just to see like the fact that the junior and senior classes have just been so rated by the NBA draft that there's not a junior or a senior even projected in the top 10. And you're basically going to draft a fucking teenager to try to turn the Boston Celtics around. By the way, I'm ordering the NBA package. I'm like, this is when I step up as a fan, not when they're good, not when they buy a title, but when they suck a bag of fucking dicks. That's when I, I'm going to sit there and watch them rise up from the ashes. Okay. Naked picture situation. Hey, Bill, Bill. Hey, sports, illustrated. I'm in need of some advice, sir. I have a naked picture

situation on my hands, although it may not necessarily be what you're thinking. Well, I'd see that you or your girlfriend, I would guess you go. So there's this girl, this lady that went to the same graduate school as me and this girl was a real cunt. Dude, don't do this. If you have a naked picture of it, don't do it. He goes, we're talking pure evil. She was in school to be a producer and she managed to alienate and demean every single person that ever worked with her. She was manipulative and awful to everyone. Sounds like she's going to have a successful career. She gets into corporate America. All I'm hearing here is corner office. She was manipulative and awful to everyone, even her boyfriend, who she emasculated constantly,

even in front of his friends. Well, that's on him. Walk out the door. What's she going to do? Give you a suplex? Go fuck yourself. I got a hand and a world full of pussy. I don't need you anymore, lady. Now, before I continue, I should probably say that I realized almost immediately how evil this girl was. So I always kept my distance and never associated with her in any way so that this isn't personal. Now let's get to the issue at hand. Okay. So he's painted her as completely evil and he's painted himself as being this even killed rational person. I like this. It's almost as though he wrote the email. Now let's get to the issue at hand. I happened to be perusing the internet one day in the manner that all men do. Oh, aren't you an eloquent little cunt? Huh? You mean looking

at fucking porn? Look at you dancing around this. You know, I'm starting to think that this woman is innocent and you're actually the evil person as you continue to try to paint yourself as a fucking hero who's a member of a polo club. You're rubbing one out. You filthy fucking animal. I'm not judging you. I do it too. Happily, big grin on my face, waving at the government, and as I rub one out, as I actually, as I bust a nut, I say into the camera that I can't see that's watching me. It's okay. I didn't want to run for office anyways. I say that as I have an orgasm. I can't even talk this week. Anyways, he said in the manner that all men do, and I happen to come across some naked selfies that this girl took on one of those tumblers

devoted to that kind of thing. If you're curious, now my question is without trying to sound like an evil scumbag, probably too late, should I do anything with them? I could probably give a lot of closure and satisfaction by sending them out to the people she's fucked over in the pad. Wait, it's this girl? Oh, that this girl took. Okay. Wow. So she treats people like that during the day and at night she takes naked selfies of herself. All right. I know this girl. I know this kind of girl. All right. Okay. Here we go. Let's let's just try to pick this back up. This girl, she's, she's like, yeah, she's like that fucking Wall Street guy that's stealing money and

night needs to go to a hooker with a fucking orange ball in his mouth. So I think this girl is, oh, maybe this is like a narcissistic thing. Is she taking pictures of herself like she's just this piece of meat or she's trying to look hot? The human fucking psyche, man. It's just that it's fucking insane. You know, I don't judge any of it because I'm out of my fucking mind too. All right, let's, let's continue here on one of those. This is a really great email. There's so many fucking levels to this. You guys, I can't tell who's out of their mind here. Her or your like, or your out of your mind. And this girl actually shot you down because you want to take her out

for a cup of coffee. Should I do anything with them? I could probably give a lot of closure and satisfaction by sending them out to the people she's fucked over in the past. To be clear, I would never do this with someone's pictures that were meant privately for me, but these were already posted publicly online by her or someone else. Should I anonymously send out a link to people or just kind of laugh quietly to myself about the whole thing and keep it under wraps? Any advice would be appreciated. Well, what you're doing as far as like justifying your, your role in this, if you were to do it, that they were already up there is kind of like the drug dealer saying like, well, if I didn't sell the drug, someone else would. So I think you

shouldn't do anything. And I don't think, I don't know why. I don't know why like, what am I trying to say here? Like, what do you think is funny about them? I mean, what is the big deal? If somebody wants to put some naked photos of themselves up there, they like themselves, they think they look good. I don't understand why it's considered like nudity and that type of thing is considered that way. I mean, if she's doing a porno, I can see then why she can't get a fucking job at Johnson and Johnson. But you know, she's got some naked photos who gives a fuck. She's probably the best shape of her life, you know? I mean, personally, I wouldn't do it.

Oh, who the fuck wants to look at me naked? Jesus, what a fuck. That actually disgusted me. So anyways, you know what to do? Don't do that, man. You're just gonna, you're getting drawn into her fucking world. Okay, that if that woman is the way you paint it, or out to be, she has a bunch of issues. And the best kind of guy she's ever going to attract is some ballless fucking spineless jackass that she's not going to respect. If I had to guess, she's a woman who needs a guy to tell her what's what and fucking, you know, put a hurt in honor, you know, in the bedroom. She needs to be face down in the pillows being told what the fuck to do. She's got some sort of fucking issue, man. But you know, just be happy. You're not going to work

for her. She's out of your life. Okay. And she's, you know, and if she walks around treating people like that, she's never going to really develop lasting relationships, meaningful relationships. She's not going to have people in her life that would step out in front of a bus for, you know, so she's never going to get the full human experience. I feel like that is enough of a punishment. You don't need to go in there and like that, that's really like a, I don't know, a vengeance thing is very seventh grade girl. And I think you're above that. Just, you know, just leave them alone and continue to jerk off to them, you fucking creep. I'm not going to lie to you. I would too. I'm not judging you. Welcome. Welcome to my level.

All right. French revolution in bankers. Uh, hi there, Billy bandwagon. I've been a fan of the Monday morning podcast for a while now and you were on a crab. You were on the crab fee podcast. Oh yeah. With Jay Lawson on the all things comedy network, everybody. He said it reminded me of something pre-revolution. France was almost identical to the way the U S is now. Oh God, I hate when people keep predicting the demise of this country, like they're giving us some sort of insight, like people in this country can't see it coming. All right. I'm not saying every mouth, breathing more on sees it coming. Well, you know, anybody who has any sort of intelligence, we see it coming. Okay. All right there, Mr. fucking rubbing your goddamn chin.

Um, actually he's probably an American too. Um, all right, France in 1787 had grinding poverty, tax inequality, and was nearly bankrupt from the seven years war. Oh, and then he writes familiar question mark. Uh, I'm not even going to read this fucking thing. You're already so up your own ass. Wow. I never looked at it that way. Wait, does history repeat itself? Gee, you're really onto something here, sir. Good fucking Lord. You know what's funny about this type of shit is this probably isn't even this person's thought. They're probably just regurgitating something else that they've read from a website, which I do all the fucking time. I do the exact same thing you're doing here, sir, except I don't go familiar. Some people,

some people are confused. Why can't people just present a fucking, an opinion without like padding themselves on the back about how fucking smart they are all the time. You know, you're a fucking moron just like me. Okay. I'm going to read this and I'm going to, I'm going to skip over familiar. Does that ring a bell pot calling the kettle? Who, who, who? Ah, with your fucking smoking jacket, your cunt. All right. Here we go. Jesus fucking Christ. All right. He goes familiar. It should be the modern U S actually has worse wealth and tax inequality than 1787 France and even prefall of Rome. Dude, this is all old shit. I've already heard this theory a zillion times before you presented and you know, and I'm not going to

fucking read this and get all fucking depressed because I understand this. This is why I got out of conspiracy theory and just got a dog and I'm sitting here watching the bread and circus of fucking sports like I never have before because there's no way out of this rather than present this shit to me. I want you to write back to me and give me your solution. You give me the fucking solution rather than pointing out the fucking obvious as you rub your goddamn chin. All right. Jesus fucking Christ. All right. Sorry. I was having such a great goddamn day. Jeez. We're an hour and a half in here. I'm a lawnmower. We did a son of a bitch this week. All right. Uplifting documentaries couldn't come soon enough on the podcast. Hey there,

Billy boy. Love the podcast and all you specials can't wait to see in Dublin in a few weeks. You're a good man. Tell all those other Irish cunts to come out and see this German Irish cunt. We're all drink some fucking bushmills afterwards. What do you say? And I ain't a shizer laughing. Billy Redface is bright and gay. I got a hot woman documentary for you since Blackfish and Dirty Wars might have got you down a bit. I appreciate that. People, I love when you send the documentaries that are eye-opening and make me feel like I want to kill myself, but also every once in a while you got to give me a little sugar. So he goes, they might have got you down a little bit. Here's some uplifting stuff.

It's called the pipe and it's about a tiny village in the, in the west coast of Ireland taking on a massive oil corporation and winning. Oh, I love it already. Even if it isn't true, I love it. It focuses on the community's refusal to have a dangerous pipeline running through their village. It shows the vicious brutality of the cops against the protesters and in particular five men who go so, who go so far as to serve time in prison to get justice. Dude, those guys are saints. That's when you are committed to a cause. All right. And that's when, you know, they should make a movie about you and then fucking actors who have personal trainers and microbiotic diets, you know, show up with abs and get to play you in your life story,

that William Wallace shit, you know, five men who go so far, so far as to serve time in prison to get justice. That's, that's fucking, you know, they don't make, they don't make men like that anymore. Well, I guess they do. They made five of them on the west coast of Ireland. God bless them for once. The people win. And as a recent development in the case has seen the shell oil company have lost their license for work on the west coast of Ireland. I'm watching that today. Today, here's the link. It's up on YouTube, everybody. You should check that out. It's called the pipe and another one for the full documentary. Oh, I guess, okay, this is the link for the trailer is on YouTube. But if you want to watch the full thing, we'll have these links.

Um, if for some reason you don't, you can't, if you go to surf for shit, you can't find it like I always do. It's called www.filmsforaction.org slash watch slash the underscore pipe underscore two zero one zero slash again. Those are all backslashes, by the way. That is a backslash for you backslash. All right. All right. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. Um, I want to thank everybody who came out to my shows this weekend in DC, New York and Philadelphia. It was just, it was fucking, I'm going to use the words magical there. I said it at the risk of everybody, you know, coming at me in a homophobic way. I don't give a shit. I don't, I like the twinkle toes. So come at me that way. I don't give a fuck.

All right. It was a magical weekend. I had a great time and you know what? It's even going to get more. There's going to be even more fairy dust on my career this weekend. The final leg of the Billy Red state tour. All right. Um, I am playing in, uh, Deadwood, South Dakota, November 15th, November 16th. I'm at the Brady theater in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and then I'm wrapping it up at the Orpheum theater in Wichita, Kansas. I will be coming out, taking pictures and signing shit and all that. I apologize to people who came out this weekend, um, to the earlier shows. Um, a couple of nights I had early shows and I can't go out there because it slows shit down. And then I get in trouble with the union because they have to go dark. So I can't go out there and

load the other crowd in. So I really feel bad about that because I actually really enjoy going out and saying hello to people. So my apologies to, uh, people on the first show of, um, in Philly and in New York. Um, and the second show of the beacon, I actually came out there late because, uh, I had a lot of friends and shit coming up there. So I've got some guilt about that, but all right. The Deadwood show, the Oklahoma and Wichita, I'm coming out after all those shows. And, uh, whatever you want to do, pictures, autographs, whatever you want to do, I really appreciate everybody coming out. It's been a hell of a fucking year. And, uh, there you go. And then I got one more gig Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven, Connecticut on November

23rd. And, and after that, I got one last giant tour and that's when I do the European tour. And I'm going to fucking do my best to fucking murder when I go over there. Um, I'm really, I'm amped up for these shows, man. I got to finish strong. And then the last one, the Wiltern Theater in Los Angeles, my home city here. And it's going to be me in the entire Rose Bowl dais is going to be there. All right. The ocean's 11 of the Rose Bowl. Everybody is going to be there. It's going to be me, Joe Bartnick, Jason Lawhead, and Andrew Thamelis. That's it. The four horsemen of the fucking Rose Bowl. We're all going to be there. All do and stand up at the Wiltern Theater to bring in the new year. You know, we'll be smoking

cigars, drinking a one quick thing of scotch before we go home and go to bed and then go to see the granddaddy of them all the next day. It's going to be a hell of a fucking night. That's going to be an unbelievable fucking night. I'm calling it right now. If you ever want to see the fucking beautiful knuckleheads that I hang out, you can see, hang out with, you know, I'm telling you, go to that show. All right, I'm done with that hype in my own shit. Here's the final thing here. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu plus. Hulu plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu plus.

When you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu plus banner or go to Hulu plus.com slash bill. That's Hulu plus.com slash bill. Okay, that's the podcast for this week. Have an excellent week. Good luck. God bless. Go fuck yourselves and I'll see you out there on the road. The Lijse presents Kokeme with your My The Lijse app. It's from now on, a board for recipes that are easy to make and easy to buy. For those of you who are interested in something else, or are fond of classics. Oh yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of meat.

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