Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-11-2019

Episode Date: November 12, 2019

Bill rambles about college football, Comics Come Home, and then talks to comedian Jessica Kirson.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, November 11th, 2019. Oh, do I sound happy? Do I? Do I? Oh, do I sound a little joyful? Alamama!

The dream ended last night! Two nights ago, actually. Your LSU Tigers went into Tuscalooska with all those shark-toothed fedora-wearing so-and-sos. Huh? The last state in the union to let black people go into a 7-Eleven and get a slurpee. I don't know if that's true. LSU Tigers go in and beat the Alabama Crimson Tide. Oh, my God, how nervous was Nick Saban's wife at the end of that fucking game?

Now, kids, just try not to look at him when he comes home. You know how he gets. I got to tell you something about Nick Saban. I think that there is some sort of weakness there. I can't figure it out, but it has to do something with his hair dye. Okay? Now, obviously, when you look at how bad his dye job is, what you're really seeing on the surface is an extremely focused individual.

Okay? The man does not have time to go to the beauty parlor and get his hair did. He just doesn't. He's too focused on winning yet another, yet another goddamn championship, you know? He's going to go down in history once enough time goes by being bigger than Bear Bryant. That's right. Gradually, over the decades, you will see less hounds tooth fedoras, and you're going to see more hair plugged wigs with like skull banded chew,

fucking comb through it, whatever the fuck it is. Okay? You do see focus in his dye job, but what I also see, is I see an inherently vain man. And with all vain men, there's a chink somewhere in that fucking armor. Okay? Oh wait, can I not be on SNL now? It's an expression.

There's somewhere in there the fact that this man, that this fucking man has to take the time to dye his hair. There's something going on there. There's an insecurity. There's a fear of aging. There's something going on there that can be exploited. And I don't know what it is. And I think LSU came in there.

All right? With their head football coach who came out with the fucking number one fingers in the air when he came out the tunnel, the audacity, the bravado, the machismo came running out of that fucking tunnel. And of course he did. He's got a full head of beautiful hair. He sounds like a Cajun Hulk Hogan. And what I think happened in the middle of that game was Nick Saban second guest himself

because when he looked across the field, he saw too much man standing across from him. And your LSU Tigers came in, put 46 wonderful points up on the Crimson Tide. And they rolled Tide, rolled right back to the locker room with their first loss of the year. Tumbling from number two in the country all the way down to number four and still being in the playoff. How does that happen? I don't know.

I don't know. I'm going to say cha-ching because people hate him so much. It's just great for the ratings. I'm actually helping Alabama stay in the playoff with how much over the years rooting for LSU, I suddenly hate Alabama, which I never did. I don't really hate them. It's just fun to root against them. All right.

Well, look at this shit. I don't understand. They've played one ranked team this year and they just got their butts whipped by like what, three points? They let up 46 though. Let's look at Alabama's. Let's look at their schedule. Who the fuck they played? Okay.

Going back to where the hell are we? Where are we? Where are we? All right. They started off with Duke. I'm not shitting on fucking Duke. I mean, they can play basketball. You take off the pads and you put on some short shorts and those guys are a problem.

Okay. You put the pads on, you go outside. All of a sudden they look like Ivy League players. They played Duke. Oh yeah. You think that scares you? And then they played, I think New Mexico State, NM State. I'm going to guess New Mexico State.

Then they played South Carolina. Who in years have been good? They're not ranked this year. Then they played Southern Mississippi. Then they played Mississippi. None of these teams are ranked. Then they played Texas A&M who have been good at times, not ranked. But is this Alabama's fault?

They're beating the fuck out of them. Now this works. Then they played Tennessee who always started, I was going to be here, going back to Nashville, nothing. Then they played Arkansas. It's really not their fault that all these programs are in the shitter right now. I have to, I mean, I don't hate Alabama enough to fucking ignore that fact. But then the one team that they play, yeah, they lost 46 to 41, a home game.

And the last one, what a fucking garbage goddamn touchdown that was. Fucking LSU. Jesus Christ. 46, you know, would that be 34? Little more impressive, but whatever. All right. But then as much as I'm bitching about them, let's go to look at the Ohio State's fucking schedule. The Ohio State, you ever seen somebody so proud of a state school?

It's like, you ever go to Ohio? Half the people you met graduated from Ohio State. Ohio State is the school that people from Ohio go to when they can't get accepted to a real school in another state. Why am I doing this? I have road work next year. All right. Ohio State Buckeyes, right? The big fat fucking Midwestern people waddling their pasty asses into that fucking horseshoe, which is no longer a horseshoe.

They started off with mighty Florida Atlantic. Then they played 17th ranked Cincinnati. So already they're ahead of Alabama. Then they played the perennial powerhouse 24th ranked Indiana. Now I don't know what these teams were ranked when they played them in defensive fucking Ohio State. Then they played Miami of Ohio. Right. That's a little nod to global warming.

Miami is now in Ohio, right? Because the oceans have risen. Then they played Nebraska, who's just been, I don't know what they've been doing for the last fucking 20 years. Then they played Michigan State. Then they played Northwestern. Then they played Wisconsin. Then they played Maryland. Next week they play Rutgers.

I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. All right. Then who's else is in the top? We got Clemson. I mean, how do you tell who's number one when these fuck you got like three powerhouse teams that are just all in shit fucking. All in shit fucking divisions. Clemson played fucking this camp. Is that a misprint Citadel?

That's last year. Right. Okay. They played Georgia Tech, Texas A&M, Syracuse, Charlotte, UNC, Florida State, Louisville, Boston College, Wolford. Is that a woman's school of nursing? I don't even know what the fuck that is. And then they played NC State. So the only way I feel that you can really judge anybody at this point is Alabama's lost to LSU because neither Ohio State or Clemson has played anybody nearly ranked that high.

I don't know. They only lost by fucking five. Who cares? But you know something, at least they got a goddamn playoff. All I know is that the LSU Tigers. Yeah. You got to take that Alabama. You can try and shake that off with your stupid.

You know what I can't stand about Alabama fans? How many of them go actually go and wear blazers to the goddamn fucking game? You know what I mean? Like they're actually intelligent. You know what I mean? Walking there with their khakis and their fucking loafers like those fucking TCU people I saw at the Rose Bowl all year. That fucking thing. There is actually, I will say though, you know, with all the attacks on white privilege, it is nice to see some people that are still proud.

Of their white privilege. I do. There is something. I find it funny on one level where I was just like, I wish all of these people would walk into the most feminist fucking school ever. And come in and have no idea about any of their new theories on how we should live in a society. All right. I'm almost out of breath here. I was so fucking excited.

I watched the game in Boston and then I went over to do the comics come home. Dennis Leary, 25th anniversary. Dennis Leary, Cam Neely, amazing night. Pete Holmes, Joey Yenetti, Kelly McFyland, Bobby Kelly, John Mulaney. I know I'm going to forget somebody. I did say Lenny Clark, right? It was an amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing show. Had such a great time.

Eugene Merman came down to hang out. It was great to see him. It was just awesome. It's what I love about that gig is not only the people that you work with, there's always a couple of people that come down and hang out. So it was really cool. Anyway, so I went there to fucking watch, you know, of course, there's like fucking a quarter left and I have to go run over to go do this show. So I go in there and I'm like, fuck, there's got to be a TV. There's got to be a TV in here, right?

We're in the fucking Boston garden. There's got to be a TV. And I walk into where the whole crew's eating and there are eight glorious flat screen TVs in this kitchen area. And they all have on the USC, like Arizona state game or whatever. Jesus Christ. I don't know who the fuck is a fan of fucking USC is beyond me. Somebody said to me one time, he said, you know, something, they had the most corrupt football program historically in college football. And I kind of got to go with that.

Where it's just like any time if there's a scandal that involves more than one school, they're always going to be that other school. They have had some very scoundrelish behavior over there. So I'm like, guys, can we please put on the LSU Alabama game? Right. It's a pro football town. Nobody seems to give a shit. It took like 15 minutes before they finally got it on. My buddies were sending me videos of all the fucking scores.

I was convinced that Alabama was going to come back and beat him because they always seemed to do that. And then they turned the TV right as Alabama scored that go ahead touchdown with their running back. I don't know their fucking names. I kid 22. I think he had a great goddamn game. It reminded me of Joe Morris back in the day on the New York Giants and I just lost my shit. I just went, whoa, that's right. You fucking lose.

I was the only person flipping out. Nobody else cared. And I looked like a fucking asshole. And I was celebrating and I was talking all of this shit like I had something to do with it. Like I've been a lifelong fan rather than just being a fan since 2007 when I moved out to Los Angeles. And as I said that, for whatever fucking reason, LSU is playing, I guess, tight coverage or something. They let this guy in Alabama get behind him and then they immediately score a touchdown. I was just like, you got to be fucking kidding me.

Are they really going to do this? So anyways, congratulations to LSU. Oh, and I watched right before that. I watched the last half of the Minnesota Penn State game. You know, and I was rooting for Penn State because Ohio State fans always bitch, moan and complain about Alabama being in the playoff and then not being in the playoff. Despite the fact when they finally get in there, they got their fucking asses kicked. Right. And always saying the SEC is weaker than the big 10.

I'm going to start a lot of shit. I'm going to get a lot of emails here. Okay. And then there was this one fucking year, both Penn State and Ohio State both had a loss. Okay. And fucking Ohio State's loss was to Penn State and they still got the nod to go to the fucking playoff. And they still have the nerve to bitch, moan and complain every fucking year. So just because of their fucking whining, I for some reason like root against them now.

I can't totally root against them because my buddy Law had such a huge fan. So I'm always like happy for him if something good happens for them, but that was good for them. That Penn State just lost. And now they're the only undefeated guys in the, uh, the East, I guess you call it. And everybody's trying to say, Hey, Minnesota is for real. They're not for real. I'm sorry. They're not.

Okay. They're, they're like doing well for Minnesota. They are undefeated. Oh, Jesus. Here comes a fucking very polite, angry letters from Minnesota. Come on, dude. You, we all know fucking they would get fucking smoked by an SEC team. SEC is still where it's at.

I still think Alabama beats Minnesota. I still think that they, the LSU could beat Minnesota. I still think both of those teams could fucking beat, uh, anybody else in the big 10, Ohio State. Uh, I don't know. We'll see. We shall see. But what would, what would be fucking great is what if LSU plays Ohio State. In the college football championship game.

And the recruit that they wouldn't let start, who's now gone down to LSU. You know, I love how Alabama was giving him shit saying you're fucking your free agent that you got. It's like, well, you could have got him. Alabama God knows your fucking sign. Everybody else your fucking greedy cunts. Um, it is ridiculous how much I'm into college football this year. I don't understand it. It's phenomenal.

Um, so congratulations to the LSU Tigers. Uh, here's the deal. I actually, I'm going to read a little bit of the advertising here. And then after that, uh, I have a special guest that I'm bringing on to the podcast, but I wanted to, to, uh, do this person justice. But so I had to, I had to get the LSU shit out of my fucking system. I got it out. Oh my God. I mean, it was worth losing to him the last fucking seven years, just to see that fucking in, in fucking Tuscaloosa.

Oh, I love it. I love it. And they're all fucking making excuses now. We, you know, we, we still mean college football with your fucking houndstooth fucking PJs. You've been crying in all night. All right. Let's read a little advertising. Oh, look who's here.

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Slow. Show announcement. I'm going to be performing at the Mahalia Jackson. Remember that commercial a long time ago? Mahalia Jackson, the queen of gospel or something like that. Mahalia Jackson Theater of the performing arts in New Orleans on January 9th and 10th. Gee, why would I be down there on that weekend? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Tuesday, November 12th, the same day the Mandalorian comes out. I'm in Star Wars. All of these years are making fun of it. And now I'm in it. And now I'm promoting it. You see? See what the business did? They suck you in and then they silence you.

Star Wars comes out tomorrow, the Mandalorian. This is the Star Wars. If you're like me, you always wanted to see. All right. You can tell by the trailer. No Ewoks, baby. I don't even know if that's true. Don't listen to me.

I don't even know what, you know, I just know what Ewoks are because I've heard enough people complain about them. All right. Pre-sale is Tuesday, November 12th at 10 a.m. The CST code. Oh, sorry. 10 a.m. Central Standard Time. That CST was something. I was trying to figure out what that was.

Ah, God. Promoting tickets while not selling them all at the same time. That's what I'm doing here right now. I'd like to go, but he sounds too stupid. Do I want to listen to that for an hour? All right. The code is burr, B-U-R-R. Pre-sale, Tuesday, November 12th at 10 a.m. Central Standard Time.

It's on sale to the public Friday, November 15th at 10 a.m. Central Standard Time. Link will be shared on socials or go to Ticketmaster and search burr. All right. That is the big deal. And I'll tell you right now, I'm going to leave a pair of fucking tickets for the cage in Hulk Hogan. You know? But I know he's not going to use them because he's going to be too busy preparing for the national championship game. Right?

Now, if you guys don't believe me, well, I'm going to do it. Ed Orgeron. Am I saying his name right? Uh, okay. With that, I'm going to take a pause here. It's not going to be a pause for you guys because it's just going to click right back on while I wait for my guest to show up here. And I'm going to go eat a sad salad because I got to get back on it. I got to get back on it.

Old twinkle toes. I got to stay in fucking showbiz shape. That's what it is. You know? You don't think there's body shaming for a toxic white male? Well, there is ladies. Okay. So why don't you go trim your clams and have a little empathy for once in your fucking life.

And when it comes back, I have a guest. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, stop. All right. And just like that, I am back. And as promised, I have a very special guest, one of my favorite comics on this, on the, on the circuit. Is that what they call it now? Out there on the circuit. Absolutely amazing.

Jessica Kerson, who has a new standup special done with all things comedy, that wonderful company, called Talking to Myself that comes out December 6th on Comedy Central. Jessica, how the hell are you? Well, I have a special coming out because of you. No, you don't. You have a special coming out because I'm sick of going on after you having to get my head together to figure out what I'm going to talk about. So I'm hoping you blow up on this and you get the fuck out of the clubs so I can go down there and relax. Oh my God.

If anyone can follow me, it's you. I gotta be honest. I, this is, and this is, is widely said. It's like, you need, you need a game plan to go on after you. You do. Yeah, you know why. You don't, you don't like take a night off. You just go up there and you're like the, uh, she's going to hit a lot of double plays, but she's going to hit good 48 home runs ever.

You swing out of your cleats. I'll tell you what happened. I used to take it down before other comics so that they would feel better and not have to work hard. And then I was like, what the fuck am I doing? Right. You know, being a people pleaser. Because I was always wondering why did it take so long for, you know, why were all these other comics? God bless them getting specials before you because you were being nice.

Yeah. Maybe that's part of it, but I really feel ready now. I don't know if I would have a while ago. Like I just feel so ready for it. Yeah. No, I think you're going to blow up in selfishly. I do too. I'm hoping that's happening because I'm a huge fan.

And then also you're going to make our company look good. I know. Where do you find these nuggets? Where do you find these people? It's like, well, they're right fucking there. You guys just don't seem to look. You know what? I have to tell you this should make you happy that I have had so many comics say to me,

I got to turn this chair because my neck is fucked up because I, What's wrong with it? I try to make my daughter laugh and she right now she's loving the double take. And at 51 doing the double take as much as I'd love to hear her laugh is really fucking my neck up. So I got to make sure that I'm just. That is so sad that that's how you were. I mean, it's a beautiful thing, but it's really.

I'd love to tell you I fell off a motorcycle or something. I know something exciting. No. Or I was benching. Yeah. That's how I fucked up my shoulders. You know, my body, my body just turned 40 or 41 today. And he's doing a classic thing that I did when I started to get old and you start fucking

freaking out. And he was just going like, dude, I'm going to get in like the sickest shape. And he goes, I'm going to try to run a five something 40 yard dash. Right. And it's like, I told him, don't do that, dude. You need to, you need to come up with a workout for your age because that's, that's how I fucked up my shoulders was I got back into the gym and the big thing when I was a kid was, was 225 putting up 225 because you had two fucking 45s on

each side of the bar and it looked cool. So I was like, I'm going to get back to that. And I had already fucked my shoulder up and didn't realize it. So I started off with just like, I was literally like 135, 140 pounds. And the first three times I brought it down, I felt this burning in my right shoulder. So I'm from the eighties, no pain, no gain. I kept going through it and my shoulders been fucked up since I finally rehabbed the right one.

And now my left one, you know, is, is taught. I mean, I should have rehabbed it a long time ago, but it, it, it involves like rotator cuffs involve incredible patients. I know, I know people have gone through it. I don't have. I know. I don't either. Most people just say fuck it.

And they go get like an operation or something. They get it like. That is what most people do. Yeah. But to go get physical, I just, it's a lot. Oh yeah. They always take out these little balls. Yeah.

I hate it. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I have to tell you when they're like, okay, one, two, like I feel like someone's touching me. I know that sounds weird. You have lumbar support. Yeah. Well, who even knows what lumbar is?

I guess it's a back thing. It is. But let me tell you this before I forget, because it's very important. All right. So many comics from LA and New York have said to me that what you did for me gave them so much hope. I told Mike birdie that it's nice. Well, it wasn't just me constantly.

Not you. I'm just a pretty face of that company. Yeah, you are. You're the most handsome. Orange face. Yeah. Of the, you know, it's funny. I actually took a meeting recently and I was pitching, you know, what we're doing, you

know, out there doing my little song and dance in LA as you do. And I was trying to describe our company. And this woman goes, I swear to God, she goes, Oh, so you just find like a bunch of weirdos and you kind of weirdos. Yeah. And then she kind of caught herself. She goes, well, not weirdos. I go, is that what you call like the funny people that you that you passed over?

That's unbelievable. No. That's so typical of who makes decisions in Hollywood to call calm. She was cool and everything, but I just was like, that's sort of been a running joke with me and the other guy. We're in the meeting. It's just, that's what we do. We just find these weirdos, you know, those people that actually have an hour of material

have actually done all the rooms in our season and are ready to do something. So I just thought it was, I kind of made me at first I was taking a back like, wow, man, I can't believe she just said that. But then afterwards I took it as a compliment of being like, all right, well, I think I'm doing something. I think I think we're doing something right here. You are. You're doing something.

Well, we had Verzi and then we had Ian Edwards and they both smashed it and then now we got you coming out. And what I love is all we did was just try to find the funniest people, our most favorite people that for whatever reason hadn't gotten a special yet. And then we were like accidentally progressive. Look at us. I know. I know.

I mean, you really, with me, you got pretty, it's good. Yeah. Yeah. I stopped sharing my legs. That's how progressive I am. By the way, by the way, I fucking went up last night here in New York. Oh my God. Where?

I did the stand and then I did New York comedy club and I'm doing those places because I find when I come back here, if I go to the old places, like, I don't know what about New York and Boston is the same way. I go there because I started there so long ago because some of my friends are just not there anymore. Either literally have passed on with the business or just don't do stand up anymore. You go in, you know, and you just, you can't help it, but you look for a familiar face and they're not there.

It just makes me depressed. So I wasn't going to go down to the clubs that I always go to. So I, you know, the stand is new. New York comedy club is new, right? So I went down there and I went downstairs and there was a woman on stage and I could just hear the way the crowd was laughing. I was like, what's going on with this show? And they go, oh, they said something was built around a podcast.

Oh. And yeah, like there was a woman who had a podcast and it was her show. I said, all right, forget it. I'm not going on this one. So it's a specific audience. Because I'm going to, yeah, because I'm going to bomb. And then I went upstairs. Isn't that amazing?

You say that. Yeah. I'm going to bomb. You're such a comic. I love that. Yeah. I'm not going to enter. I'm not going to ruin their fucking night.

And I'm not going to. Most people don't care. They're not doing that. So then I go upstairs and they have like the little lunch hall there in the back of the club. I go, could I go up here? I did that the other night. I interviewed Artie Lang.

It's amazing. Yeah. On my podcast. But that one was like the Indian comedian showcase and it's like, all right. So now what? I'm going to be the toxic white male who comes on this show and I'm like, fuck. And I was going to, I was going to literally leave the club, but the guy's running the show.

I was like, no, no, no, no, go on, go on, go on. And I went up and I had a, I had like an okay set. Like it's the weirdest thing where part of getting old, I think is this is what happens. But the weird thing about this generation is it's usually like the young people are shocking you. Yeah. And now I'm finding it's like they're boring me to tears. It's interesting.

Isn't it? No. It's, it's, I mean, it's upsetting. I wanted to be like, show me then what's around the corner. What's next? Yeah. I'm like, I'm, I'm slowing down and they're up there. You know, the crowd just makes you feel like, uh, I don't know, I, I walk out of there going

like, am I a fucking moron? Like I, I feel like stupid when I do stand up here now. It's not like that around the country, but there's really like a weird thing with like LA in New York. There is. There's something about people who move here. They just think they're so amazing that they simply that they moved here and then they think all of their thoughts are the be all end all of the direction of that society should

go in. And then they're like, um, I don't know, like last night, it wasn't like hostile fear. Well, it wasn't like hostile. Yeah. I feel like they kind of grew up with these fucking phones and shit. So they're kind of used to being watched. So they have like, uh, it's like Al Gore energy where you just kind of like, remember that guy who was just like so outside his body.

Yeah. That whole time he ran for president. Well, they're not present. Is that what they're not present? And they're overthinking everything. That's the difference too. Like I feel like people used to just sit and really just be in the comedy show and listen and I feel like they're overthinking things.

Like they're thinking about what you said. It's like, no, just be there and just have fun and let go. Yeah. I'm saying something stupid here. Right. If you think about it, I laugh every time when I'm making some dumb face or doing like a character and they're just staring at me, trying to figure me out. I'm like, you're never going to figure me out.

There's your net. It's not possible. I'm an idiot. Right. There's no layers here. Yeah. Nothing. There's nothing to figure it out.

I'm just being a fucking idiot right now. How long ago did, first of all, where'd you start? Here in New York and I busted my, I mean, I'm talking open mics for years. I was like from the Boston comedy club age and I started in 99. So 20 years. There you go. And I just worked hard from the beginning. I loved it.

I love it now. I don't love it as much as I used to because of how everyone is so crazy and divided. Well, I think if you do stand up here, it's a little, or if you do stand up in LA, it's a little like, I don't know what, I don't know what it is. Like the whole thing, I don't, something happened, something happened, like when Trump won, right? Yeah. And then SNL had that actor on there dressed as Hillary Clinton playing the piano singing

like Kumbaya. I was just like, what the fuck happened? Like this show, they used to be like, they were like anarchists. I know. They weren't aligned with the political party. And I'm not just not singling out that show, but that show is such like a, like a juggernaut that, and it was just like, wait a minute. So are they trying to suggest that like Hillary Clinton's like a decent human being?

I mean, none of these people are. Yeah. And like that was, I felt like that was the angle of that show back in the day where it would sort of make fun of everybody. But it's sort of like, I felt that they were saying, Hey, we all voted for Hillary and Hillary's a saint, almost religiously, like by playing this religious song. I mean, maybe I missed the point of it, but when I watched that, I was just like, what the fuck?

And really most people are in the middle on so many, I mean, I even am, like if people look at me, I'm a woman, I'm a little older, I'm married to a woman, like they think I think a certain way and I don't. I think that's why so many guys start following me once they see my act or him on a podcast. They're like, Oh, she doesn't think like I'm not overly liberal. No, you know, if I, if I'm in fucking New York, people think I voted for Trump. And if I go to like Nebraska, they think I voted for Hillary. And I'm like, I didn't vote for either one of those fucking idiots.

So whatever, but I don't want to sit here like, I mean, it's just, I don't know, I always get on this fucking stupid subject. I feel like I'm feeding it. So I should, I should stop. But so this, this latest hour, tell us about your latest hour, stay up, like how did you, like throughout all of those years when you should have got a special and you didn't, right? What would you do with all of that? Like how did you handle that material?

Well I did a bunch of like TV spots where I did some of the material, a lot of it. But I, yeah, I mean, that was the, well, I don't compare myself and get bitter. Thank God I don't go there. I'm not like, she got this and that person. Did you ever? Well, I mean, the only thing I did really was with specials. I was like, what the fuck is going on? This is crazy.

Like I should get a special. I used to do that. Yeah. Trying to get on Letterman. Yeah. See somebody else get it and be like, that fucking guy got out of, you know, I think they made so many mistakes with all of those shows that now they're going back to really trying a little bit to get people who are funny, even if they're older and they're white and

whatever. I think there's a zillion people and I really don't think it's personal. I think it's fucking chaos. It's not personal. Yeah. And everybody is just doing the best they can and there's no fucking way the people in the industry can figure out who all the good people are because they're too busy doing that fucking office thing, trying not to get fucking fired.

Exactly. They're trying to cast stuff too. Like they have to fill in. I mean, I know because I've worked behind the scenes too like you have and I started producing a lot of stuff and I see what happens. I see. No, I've learned that now. Yeah.

Trying to develop stuff. Yes. Like certain people you develop. You're like, oh, this person's easy. And then the best people to try to develop stuff with, they understand and they're sort of patient. But when you get with somebody, it's just like, I don't fucking under. I said I wanted this.

It's six minutes later and I don't have it and I want to know what the fuck is going on. Holy shit. Oh, this is the other side of the table. Yeah, totally. And I'm also happy that I believe it or not, I'm happy it has not been easy for me. I know that sounds crazy that I'm saying that because I've been through so much in this business, but I'm happy like no one did hand anything to me because now it's built in

bedrock. Yeah. I mean, I really have to do all of those fucking rooms. Now when you go up in front of a gay crowd, do you do you find that they automatically like you? And love, I mean, they love me, lesbians sometimes I could, they get offended sometime and then I get enraged because they're my people. So it just makes me want to suck dick.

I'm like, please make me straight. Please God do something after the show. It's very hard for me. It's with Jewish people too, older Jews, when they get hostile and offended and mad. And I'm like, please, you're my people. Like just let go. Do you, but on all fairness, when you go up, do you try to fuck with them a little bit? Yeah, I do.

Do you feel, because you feel like they feel like, oh, you are what I am. Therefore you think the way I do. Do you deliberately go up there and maybe throw a couple? Now I do. But for, of course, for a while when I had no money and I was desperate, I had to just play the game because I wanted to get paid. Do you have any good stories of lesbian crowds not liking you? Oh, I.

There are a lot of times someone will come up to me like, I was very offended when you said the thing about disabilities because I have a disability and I have a dog. And now I'm really rude back. But before I'd be like, I'm so sorry. I'll never say that. And I wouldn't say the joke again. Like I would get, feel really bad because I'm really empathetic. I was going to say, yeah, you're like trying not to feel too hard.

But now I'm like, fuck you. When people try to silence me, it enrages me, especially women. Like when another woman tries to silence me, I'm like, you're not supposed to do that. Like let me be free to say what I want. You know what that is? That's the fallout of all those years of you being overly empathetic to people who were not showing you any empathy. I know.

And then you got to work out, why did I do that to begin with? I know why I did it. Why? I mean, I just, I, because I would put other people's needs before myself and why? Because I wanted them to like me. Why? I'll tell you exactly why. Cause my mother's a therapist and she brought me up because you're going to laugh.

It's really true. Anytime something happened with someone, it was my fault. And I had to look at what I did to make it happen. She fucked me up that way. I'm serious. I mean, she meant well, but like, you know, our teacher once threw a brush at me or something and I told her, she's like, well, what did you do to make that happen? Why did he throw that at you?

What did you do to it? So I've never, I always blame myself. Is building rage? No, no, no, no, I'm saying that's what she would say. Yeah. Oh, right. Right. You don't know what he's gone through and he's had a hard time.

So it was, I literally, my entire life was brought up like that. Yeah. I, my thing, I used to be the way you were. I know. And my thing was, uh, everyone was fucking with me my whole life. Yeah. You know, I had fucking orange hair. I just, there was nowhere to hide.

I used to do a bit of my act. You know, when they were peaking out of theirej and they go in and they'd have painted punk rockers. You know, when they would dye their hair and they thought they were rebels. It's like, dude, you can wash that out. Like this is a fucking life sentence. You know, you could just take the staples out of your face, go back to your brunette hair and just slip back into the matrix anytime you've had enough.

Right. So. Um, yeah, I just found that if I just, I didn't even know I was doing it. I used to just adjust my personality to everyone around me. So I would just fit like a fucking glove. And then meanwhile, uh, I wasn't speaking up for myself. I wasn't sticking up for myself. And then the friends that I had a lot, not all of them, but a lot of them were like,

Oh, this person, I'm friend. This person likes me because I do whatever they want to do. So it wasn't like a real. They find you. Those people find people like that. I say they're like child molesters. They go to a park and they can see the kids. They can, you know, manipulate.

There are a lot of people who can find people like the way we were because what it is, it's you're the only, there's such assholes. Yeah. The more empathetic you are, if you, if you don't, if you wheeled it just with, you know, there's no governor on it is your chances of meeting an absolute, the biggest asshole lever are exponential because that you are literally the only person that will tolerate their bullshit. That's exactly right.

Right. So I saw a lot of that growing up and then I did it. And then somewhere in my late twenties, I became one of the angriest men on the earth. I feel. And I am still like, seriously, well, I want for the first like 25 years of my life, I thought I was kind of this happy go lucky and everybody else did. Yeah. Uh, what happened was is you, you spend a third of a century doing what other people

want you to do. Um, you end up in a place you don't want to be. And I, and I found like I was ended up, uh, I mean, I did start stand up at 23, almost 24 and the stand up thing, I think, because I was so like, had such social anxiety. I was just like, I'll just become a comedian. People will see that I'm funny. They'll like me and then everyone will stop fucking with me. Like I literally did it as like an advertisement.

This is Bill. He's silly. He smiles and he works totally clean. He doesn't offend anybody. And now let's all just, you know, and when I got off stage, I had no need for everybody to come up to me. What it was was I just knew that everybody now thought I was funny and I was cool. Then I could now relax in the room and sit by myself in the corner.

So I was doing that. And if you're like that personality, you know, you're not going to get the girl or whatever the fuck you're into. You're not going to get the job. You're not going to get the gig. You're not going to get, cause everybody else is being like, no, I want that. I want that. And then you fucking start resenting those people for speaking up for themselves.

And then you're spelling all of this energy, resenting all of these people simply because they're asking for what they fucking want. And then you've also attracted all these super fucking toxic people. Yeah. Yeah. So that, that exact same thing. And, uh, and then also halfway through that, then you realize what an asshole you are, and then all the bullshit that you're doing, because then you go through

the whole other thing of like, Oh, that's what I'm doing. Oh my God, I'm a victim. I'm just this and that's, and then you get to that level off point. Like, then the over-correct. And then you got to come back to be like, okay, I'm also a cunt and I'm, I'm moody. Yeah. I'm, I'm, I'm opinionated. I interrupt selfish, self centered.

I know. So I, I, I, at a certain point thought I'm being a complete victim. I don't have patience for that anymore with people. I think there's a certain point you can milk it and then fucking move on. Well, you can't, cause you're not going to get what you want because nobody gives a shit. I know. Nobody's, nobody's going to stop long enough. Yeah.

People will pretend, oh, it's really hard for you. Can I ask you, as a woman comedian, do you feel it's harder for you guys to take the mic out of the mic stand than a male comic? No, I don't feel like it's harder for me. I actually feel like, did you even hear what I just said? I'm literally a fucking with you. You're so self involved. I literally go, is it harder for you guys to take a mic out of a mic stand?

You just answered that. I was like, wow, this is great. Now she's doing this, that she's being dead man. I think that's how much I hate myself that I was like, yeah, it is. Yeah. No. Oh God. So that wasn't a real question.

Yeah. That was very funny. I wish I caught on right away. I do the same thing. No, I just find it funny, like the, uh, all of that. It's harder for me. It's harder. This, this is harder.

It's just like, I always look, I'll sign off on it's harder, but I don't sign on that you have it. He's this, everybody, it's hard. The whole fucking thing is hard. There's some people who have it more hard. That's it. Well, this is interesting because I did it. I was on stage with Nikki Glaser and Rachel Feinstein the other night.

Um, and this woman, we did a question answer thing. It was hysterical. And this woman in this black woman in the back said, what do you think about it being very hard for black comedians, female comedians that they don't get booked a lot? And it's very hard for them. And I said, listen, I'm in my late forties. I'm heavy.

I'm gay. It has been very hard for me too. Like there, it's, it's hard for a lot of, like, I can get a black backlash for this, but right now at this very moment, it's hard for white guys who are starting out. Like that's shocking for people to hear me say, but that's, it's just, it's hard for different people at different times. And I, well, it's just, it's just the pendulum swings then goes all the way over there.

I think it's going to kind of land. It's like the me too thing, the me too thing. No one was listening to women and guys are doing all this horrible shit. And then the cork finally blows off the bottle and then it way fucking overcorrects. And every guy gets treated like he took his dick out at work or knew somebody who did and helped cover it up. And now it's, it's, it's coming back now. Like, um, I just saw something recently, like Jeff Goldblum made some sort of

comment about Woody Allen and people are just like, Oh my God, I can never watch him pretend to fight a fake dinosaur again. I can't believe I know that's the thing you just have to say what you believe and own it and not apologize. And fuck it because no matter what, you're going to hate this guy because he has an opinion. You're going to start treating him as though he did the thing that you're accusing this other guy of doing.

That's where I kind of, but I saw enough pushback going like, guys, guys, you know, there's, there's, you know, there is pushback happening a lot more. Yeah. Well, it's just like, all right already. All right. But also I think those people really need to go talk to someone because I think the people that get the most offended have a lot jammed up from their past. I really do believe that.

I think they're still upset about something that happened to them or things they went through. And I feel like if you really work on that a lot, you're, you're, you take it less personally when someone says something like that. My favorite thing is the complaints I'm hearing the most is from white women. And that's the, I left when you were saying that on stage, I was laughing. It's just fucking like somehow they put themselves at the front of oppressed people, women in the United States of America.

I'm not saying they don't have some bullshit that they got to go through, but Jesus Christ. I mean, yeah, I, I don't relate to that in certain ways at all. I also, as a female comic, I've gotten a lot more work because I'm funny. Now I'm serious. Like a lot of times they want a woman on the show or need a woman. Right. So I've gotten a lot of work because I've, I've played that the right way of

just getting stronger and stronger and being a woman that they know can deliver. If they put me on a show, what's the worst gig early on that you did? Oh my God. I mean, I don't know about here in New York, my first road gig. I did bananas in Poughkeepsie. Oh God, in a fucking hotel in Holiday Inn. It was my first paid road gig. And I was, I was hosting and Chirad Small was middling and I went up and I was

doing my thing and some guy stood up and he's like, you fucking suck, you fat bitch, like just scream it. And I'm like, dad, no, but he was like screaming and like in a point where it was like really bad and I did not know how to make it funny. I was six months in. So I was like, fuck you. And it was this horrible screaming. You had good instincts.

You went back. I went, I mean, I always do. Like I will attack. So I went fucking crazy and people were freaking out like freaking out. I don't want to be your mother here. But how bad were you bombing that you made that guy say that to you? No, I wasn't kidding. I'm kidding.

I was literally like, is anyone celebrating? I mean, it was so crazy. He just hated me. So I was like, you fucking must beat your wife. You fucking like I went crazy. That's good. That's domestic violence women. What, what your mother do to you?

Like I went because I have a therapist background. My mom, like I was, did you get him? Did you get him back? It was not funny. I got him back, but it was not funny. Oh, standing up and we were screaming. I mean, it was really bad. And then Chirad went up and attacked the guy, which I will never forget that he

did that. He really went crazy on the guy. And I have to tell you, I was bedridden. I was bedridden. Wait, was that like the first show of the week? It was the first road show I ever did. Oh, did you have to do another one that night? Or weekend?

Oh, no, I do another one that night to the next night. It was, you know, there was a time that I would, I would not accept a gig. If I had to get on the 87 North, I just, I just wouldn't do it. I know. I can't, I was like, I can't get on. There was something about as long as I was still in the city, it was sort of magical. And if I was on 87 a little bit, I wouldn't mind if I had to make a left

and start going out to Buffalo, but if I had to do that fucking 87, bad, it's just, it's, it's straight. There's nothing to look at. It's the same fucking rest area concentration camp. Yeah, it's bad. I can't believe I just didn't fucking drive into a tree in Canada one time. I can't believe I have an either. I can't believe the things I've dealt with, but it's why I got good because

I've had a deal with horrible. I've worked like a dude. I mean, seriously, I mean, that sounds crazy and horrible. Some people might, but it's really true. Like, I know, I mean, going on the road by myself and driving all over the country and being in rental cars and not even going into a rest up where I had to pee, I'd pee in the car. Cause I was so afraid literally as a woman at night in the car.

How? Into like, I remember into a bottle once, like a, I know that sounds. I didn't know you guys could do that. Well, it was the degree of difficulty for you was way more than it was a Tupperware thing. It wasn't like a soda bottle. That's what I would. Yeah.

Like a casserole, but I was freaking. It was my grandmother's China. No, I was really petrified to get out of the car. I understand. Makes sense. But I did all that. I really am. This is what I said to one guy one time when I was talking about trying to

understand women and their fear when they walk around. It's like, you have a watch as a guy, you, when you watch one of those behind the scenes prison things and you think, how the fuck would I go in there and not get raped? It's like, it's like women kind of have to do that at different points during the day, like at night, stopping off at a rest area, getting to an elevator with another guy by, by yourself, like shit like that. And then they were like, Oh yeah, I guess that, I guess that is true.

Yeah, it is. I mean, when, when I'm walking a lot of times, I think someone's walking behind me. Do you feel like that? If I ever feel that way, I think they're going to club me over the head and take my wallet. Yeah. I think they're going to rip my pants off and just impregnate me.

Like, which is way worse than losing a purse. Yeah. I don't want to speak for you. I don't know about that. Man's plane. Yeah. I don't know if the purse matches your outfit. What are you going?

I'm, is that a toss up? First of all, I don't wear a purse. I wear a handbag. What's the difference? Well, I, I, I've never said, can you get my purse? I'm male that way. I don't, I don't use the word purse bag or a bag or something. Purse is very.

I remember I dated a woman who wouldn't say panties. She goes, what would she say the underwear, get me underwear. And we couldn't be, panties is so much hotter. It is. Underwear was just like, I just kept pictures of like BVDs and a fucking three inch dick coming out of a pubes. Yeah. I just didn't fucking.

It was just one of those people that was just sort of anti all of that is such a hard, that's the turn off to me. Well, it is never be with a woman like that ever. So what's, what's your type? I go for feminine women who are naturally pretty, usually dark hair, ethnic looked, I like, like darker Italian. I know, you know what, we, back in the day, you and I couldn't, we couldn't have been like wing men for each other.

No, no, I love male comics. Oh, we send me pictures of like, actually a comic show me a picture at the cellar. The other night he's like, you want to see a picture of the girl. And I thought it was going to be like a sexy picture of her, just like making a face. Oh, no, it's a guy's going to be a close up. It was a close up of her pussy and asshole.

I'm like, do I, this is, this is too much. I don't need to see that. I gotta admit, I always thought like, that was one of my complaints about the way porn was always shot. But there was never enough time on her face enjoying it. It was, it was like an anatomy class. It's like, I get it. His dick is in her.

And then it's just like, for the most part, because the ladies goods are internal. I'm really just looking at the undercarriage of a guy. It's like, I felt like I was watching like some undercarriage. I don't know why it's like, it was oddly like the industrial revolution meets like, it was missing was like a smokestack polluting the local area. So that was like my thing. When I would watch it, it was just at first, you know, then, you know, but

that's the danger of porn is you just watch it for a while. And then you're like, oh, now this is boring. Then you gotta move on to the next one. So you want some kind of buildup. I know, like you see their face one second, the next second, it's covered in like black tears and seeming like it's like, can you show me what happened in between? There's no arc.

No, I know. That's what it is. It's just like, and it ruined sex for a lot of people. I also, I also don't like those points where it just starts and they're already fucking, it's just like, how did they meet? What happened? Well, I don't like the ones either where they have the camcorder on the ground, like, so tell us, but she's like, I'm 16.

Like she's 34. Oh, that's the worst. I'm 16. You know what I hate? Do you like sceptic? Yes. I, and it's this whole fucking interview. I didn't, I don't want that.

No. I also don't want to go right to it. So the porn Ted talk, no, it's like the old Calvin Klein ad. My one I hate is when there's a dude banging a chick and then there's another dude talking shit with the camera, like, oh, because he doesn't have the courage to fuck around film or doesn't have, doesn't have an on dick, on camera dick, and it's just like, will you shut the fuck up? Yeah, you want that dick, right?

You want that. Like that's what he'll say to the girl. It's like, it's like the robot, him is fucking her and he's like bedridden or something. I, yeah, I've never been, I, but here's the thing. I've been trying to like totally, um, clean up my act. Like I quit drinking almost a year ago. And now I'm trying to cut back on cigars.

I kind of pretty much have cut the porn watch and way down. And it's been this really challenging thing. Cause it's very hard because then what it ends up, it becomes like this thing of like, so I'm just going to take on every day. I know you have to feel everything and deal with what the fuck it's bringing to me. Like, like, I don't know just like to sit there, you know, there's all cause there's emotional eating, there's, there's fucking watching porn.

There's getting fucking shopping. There's all of that shambling work, working out. I mean, you could put it in anything. Yeah. So I'm sitting there going like, you know, so yeah, and you can literally spend a lifetime hiding from whatever the fuck it is that you could maybe then try and say, there's four garbage cans and three lids. Like there's always one thing that's brewing for me to like fucking look at.

Like if I'm not drinking or doing drugs, I'm not smoking cigarettes. I'm not eating. I'm not gambling. Like I'm flirting more. Like it's just, there's always something that I have to look at. Don't you feel like it's, uh, it's just, you just need, once you find out what a rush is, you kind of like, you've like, it's almost hard to go like 24, 48 hours without feeling some sort of heightened thing.

And when I was sitting there like looking, thinking about my life being like, I didn't really start going out and hanging out my buddies, my beer drinking buddies, you know, back in the day in high school till I was like 17. So I spent a decade and a half, like straight edge, you know, just cause I was a kid. That's why probably you started doing like wanting to party. No, no, no, no, no. But I mean, like I was able to handle that then and it wasn't a problem at all.

But once I found out like what a release going out and you know, when I was drinking like that, when I started full Budweiser's, that's all it took. Um, I remember like during like mid week, I would start to feel like, oh man, I'm getting hammered this weekend. I can't fucking like, I was going out to get shitfaced. And I just think that there's a thing that once you do that, cause then there's a couple of comics I know that have never drank, never did drugs. Um, you know, and they're like my age, but that's impressive.

Yeah. But then, you know, something, then they tend to be like womenizers, but I don't think that's the worst thing. As long as they practice and safe sex and not fucking hurting anybody. I don't think going out and banging a bunch of fucking women is necessarily, I don't either. I mean, that's the worst thing. I think if you're not hurting anyone, it's fine and you're being careful, but

they should teach you how to do that. Yeah. How to not hurt somebody. Cause they don't cause I have, I have, I have a lot of, like I heard a lot of people come and just be out of being an idiot. And I just wish that they, like they taught you, uh, like to respect the opposite sex or whatever the fuck you went to, and then how not to hurt them. So you could just be like this fucking Zen dude, just walking around being like,

I'm not ready to be in a relationship, uh, but I, but I, you know, I am looking to have some fun. Most men don't know they really aren't taught that they just do what they think is the right thing. And they don't, they don't even mean, they don't even know it's not okay until later on. Then another thing too is like when you're finally getting laid, you're like, holy shit, it's finally happening.

It's like when you're first trying to be a comedian, you hoard every funny thing that you said, you start getting into these fucking relationship for there's really nothing there, but you don't have the confidence that another woman is actually going to want to have sex with you. So in the early on, you just keep like, oh, it's for me. Like you kept getting into these relationships before you finally just like, what the fuck am I doing? I don't want to be in this and I'm hurting people.

So then you, I just sort of stopped. Yeah. Being in relationships, you did. Yeah. And then you met your wife. Is that when, yeah, that's usually how it works. Yeah. Then I was just like, all right, fuck this.

And then I met, when I met Nia, I was actually a little upset where I was just like, ah, fuck. You mean now I'm like, I'm, I like this person. Oh, got it. Cause I was kind of thinking like, yeah, I was enjoying like, what I found was I, uh, uh, Ted, Alexander has had the greatest joke about that where it sucks at night, but for the rest of the day, it was awesome. Like waking up, I think I've heard him say, yeah, I forget how we reworded it

perfectly as always, but I just remember waking up, not being in a fucking relationship was the great. It's just like drinking, not drinking sucks at night, waking up stone fucking sober, like not hung over eight hours a great sleep. Be like, I feel like I could run through a fucking brick wall right now. And I remember what I would, during that time when I was just like, fuck this, I'm not good at relationships. I'm not doing this anymore.

Um, waking up and not having that person next to me and thinking like, oh God, is this the right thing? What am I doing? How do I get out of this? Like, yeah, just not having that and just not hurting anybody. You know, and being able to be like, I'm not in a relationship and just fucking being cool with that. I've done that to myself a lot where I'm like, I'm just not good in

relationship. Like it's hard. You don't want to hurt someone. You want to make sure you're getting into it. It's like so much work. Yeah. It really is. Oh yeah.

I love your relationship and how you are in your relationship. Cause it's rare for, I feel like for comedians at our age, it's like, well, we were just saying, I mean, thank God, thank God, I met her. Jesus Christ, because that was my big fear. I'm going to be that 50 year old fucking guy, but there's so many that's what we're saying and then they kill and then they stand out in front of the club. Hey ladies, I know, look at her.

They're desperate for that love and connection and they want kids and they want a wife and oh, it's so sad. Dying your hair. It's just, it's a bad, it just becomes like a bad, like it's a bad fucking. It's a bad look. So, um, I don't know. Um, so anyways, uh, I really, I gotta tell you something. I really am excited for this thing to come out and for people to see.

What a great comic you are in those 20 years that you put in after peeing into a fucking Tupperware into a vase, into a vase. Yeah. You were elegant in the beginning. Yeah. Yeah. Why always was, you know, you came from money. Um, no, but I'm hoping like, uh, it's, it's done.

You know, it did great things for Verzi like Verzi is now out there headlining, uh, Ian Edwards is starting to headline and all that type of stuff. And I'm just hoping like all of you guys, it's already started from people hearing about it. I things are on a roll. I mean, like, you know, I'm doing the tonight show soon and. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, I am.

Yeah. I'm like, there's a lot going on with the minute people heard about it. They were so excited. It's also a great story. It's like a lot of people will pick the 25 year old or 30 year old hot girl who's like really ironic and says really smart thing. You know, it's, it's a great story. They all seem to be just talking about their vaginas.

They are and Dick and it's fucking hilarious. I really feel like a lot of female comics are the new Dick Joe comics. I remember standing Wayne to go into the comedy store and there was this female comic on stage and the shit she was talking about. I just looked at this other guy. We just started laughing and it took me back to when I first started headlining in the nineties and there would be, you know, one of those 80s headliners who was now middling and they went once they went into their

sex shit, you knew that this was, this was, they were going to be wrapping it up. And there was, there was that and the proctologist finger in your ass bit. He's got his finger in my ass and I'm fucking like, I kind of enjoy it. And it's just like, oh no, I know that's a big one. That is a big one. That's a big one. And then they would end screaming the whole place going nuts and they would be on 11 and then I would go the first few times that went up there and I made

the mistake of starting my act at 11. Just coming up and just starting up, yeah. And I, and I would, yeah. And then also giving 11 energy to shit that didn't even deserve a six. And I would be eight minutes into my set and I would literally be like fucking out of breath. And, um, I forget who the fuck finally told me how to handle shit. Like he was the one who, I think it might have been like, uh, Jeff Ross or

somebody told me, cause I used to watch Jeff follow these really high energy guys. So I learned that like you have to start way beneath their thing and then, you know, it takes about five minutes and then build back up again. But like, I remember some of the fucking shit I had to go on. I know it's unbelievable. Through Louis CK told me a story one time he had to go on, uh, this guy's closing bit was it was, he played the national anthem with fart noises. And it was an actual orchestra playing it.

And then he was like farting like the partners and the guy was making the faces. And he said, it was like, it was bedlam, bedlam. And he had to fucking go on there and like, and follow that. I got to get him on here and fucking tell that story. I have to tell, well, he was very complimentary to me. He saw me like six months ago and said, you're really one of the best comics. They're, I mean, it was really sweet. What he said to me, there you go.

Yeah. I don't, I mean, there are a lot of female comics who don't just talk about that and they're fucking killer, but I just was in LA and it was really common there. It was, I think I'm not trying to shit on it like, no, I don't think you are. There are a lot that do that. The good ones don't, but there is a lot of like, it's like, yeah, I get it. Yeah. I mean, you put things in there.

It's, it's easier. I'm going to be honest. When I go up and do that kind of stuff, it gets big, it's easy to talk about. Do you know why that's why I never really did sex jokes? Yeah. I was cause the level of like laughing that people would do. And then, then like nothing in my act could follow that you can't start with sex shit.

I found that you couldn't do that. So my only thing was the only thing I, anytime if I would do something like that, it was also my Catholic upbringing. I was a bit of a fucking prude, I think, but I always loved the comics. Some of my favorite comics did kind of do stuff like that, but like, as long as there was like, um, like, cause I think some people get branded dirty. Who aren't dirty. I do too.

Like I remember early on, um, and the, and the Boston scene when Joe Rogan came up and there was, you know, there was all of these fucking guys who he blew off the stage really is what it was. And then he had left town. So then they were talking all this, this, oh, he was just, you know, you know, filthy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right. And then I remember I saw Joe at the Kowloon. And I'm like, this guy is, this guy's brilliant.

Like his, his tiger's fucking bit. Now, if you want to just be like, just throw everything into a bin. Okay. That is a sex joke, but the performance, the point of view, the sound effect of the fucking tiger. I mean, my, that was like a face melting bit for me to watch. And then even like his throwaway stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. He said, he had this joke. I feel like I hate doing people's jokes, but this was so fucking, this is like 20 years ago, he did this joke. He did this joke. He said, you ever see, uh, you ever, you ever have a woman give you a hand job? He goes, it's like brushing your teeth with your left hand. And that's like one of those things like, okay, technically that is a dick joke,

but that is a brilliant fucking joke. And where I was in my life right then was like, I, that was being, that was becoming that those were experiences that I had. And that was the fuck. That was the worst. It was almost, it was almost worse than not having sex at all. It was worse than not being touched. Yeah.

No, it was that bad. And he put it so perfectly in so quickly, like the way a Steven right could, but it was like a, uh, it had to do with sex. So these guys, I see all of that shit. I mean, if it's dirty, just to be dirty, then it's not funny. Right. Dirty stuff. I don't even consider people dirty unless, if you're being dirty,

just to be dirty, just to annoy the shit out of people, that's my favorite comedy, then that is fucking hilarious. You're trying to really offend people and you're doing it for that reason. I'll die laughing. I saw Bob Zumuda do the, uh, the Andy Kaufman character there. Uh, uh, what the fuck's a guy's name? I always forget the character's name. It's one of my favorite.

Oh, um, Tony, wait, no. Oh, I know what you're talking about. I know my brain's fried. It was mine. So he went up there and he was doing this fucking bit and he was going to sing a song with the band and he was in the, most of the crowd was so young. They didn't know who the character was. And he was just annoying the shit out of everybody.

And then he goes, uh, it's just, this song is dedicated to the American Indians and then he just starts naming tribes. He goes to sue the crow, wrap a hole. Black, black feet. I can't breathe a minute later. Apache. Yeah. He just kept fucking going.

I was crying. I know. I've done that with Gilbert Godfreyd where I literally have almost thrown up from laughing where I've opened for him years ago and he would just torture people at Carolines. Like half the crowd would walk out. He would literally, he literally played with the microphone once for like 10 minutes. Do you know how long that is?

Like he would not stop trying to adjust it and he wouldn't say anything. And people were like, what the fuck's going on? Like, and then half the crowd was screaming, laughing because they, they understood him, but that kind of shit makes me laugh harder than anything. I mean, can you pick a harder road in comedy than doing that? Like, I've been a crowd pleasing jackass since the fucking thing. I can't believe like, I used to watch Patrice fucking walk rooms and like, I don't think I've ever seen more joy on his face.

Yeah. Because you realize even when you, they like you, it doesn't mean anything. When they don't like you, doesn't mean like nothing means anything. I think there was like a power in that where like, no matter how much you try to act like you don't give a fuck, when you would like walk a room. But my thing is, I always used to think if you, if somebody left, then the fun was over. The key was make them want to leave, but just enough that they didn't.

So then they had to keep listening to you. They look tortured. I like when people are afraid to leave when I'm going off on that. Yeah, that's the best. What do you have for people who want to see you live before your special drops here? Do you got anything coming up, uh, the next month? Yeah. If they go to Jessica Kersen.com, um, K I R S O N.

It has my whole schedule met the stress factory in Bridgeport, um, Thanksgiving weekend and then in Jersey, where's where I'm from. So that's awesome. And, uh, yeah, I have a ton of stuff coming up. If they just go on my schedule, it's all listed there. All right. Beautiful. Well, I'm such a huge fan of yours and I'm so happy that, uh, we got to get in

business together. Me too. And I move my podcast to your company. Oh, you are. Did you know that? Yeah, I did not know that. I told you, I'm just a pretty face over there. Yeah.

My podcast is relatively sane and I, I just moved it to all things comedy. All right. Well, next time, uh, cause I'm, I got a quick run here in New York. Next time you come out to LA, bring you a little, oh, just come by ATC. I will. And we'll knock one out. Yes. All right.

Jessica Kersen, December 6th, comedy central, uh, talking to myself, uh, one of the best out there that you need to know about. All right. Thank you for listening. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.