Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-12

Episode Date: November 13, 2012

Bill rambles about Celtics/Lakers, surviving the apocalypse, and animal dildos.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 12th. All Billy freckle face is off the road for the first time in a while, first time in a while. And I have to tell you, I don't know what to do with myself. It's phenomenal. I wake up in my own bed, you know, although I do feel estranged from the lovely Nia. You know, we haven't seen much of each other.

I'm just kidding. That word is never used. It's always used when a couple breaks up estranged, you know, like you're never estranged from a family pet, right? Do they ever say that in the news? Mel Gibson and his estranged Dalmatian were seen trying to reconcile. You don't do you? You know, Bill, you could always just look words up and just figure out what they mean

rather than just trying to figure them out how people use them. Do you really? So many words there are in the English language that I know how to use them, but I could not give you a definition. I just keep hearing people say them, you know, like when you listen to some dude from the fucking hood back in the day, first time you heard that's dope and you're like, that's dope. He's a dope.

I've heard that. He's saying it's stupid. You know, and then you just graduate. Oh, it means something good. Why do they do that? Why do they make it mean the exact opposite? Why is this some sort of passive aggressive way to frustrate white people because of all the bullshit we've done to them?

Oh, geez. I don't know. You go back up and your white friends with the words make sense to you. You know? Um, anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast with a fucking my dog go Cleo Cleo, there you are. Let's let you start. Let's let you figure out how to open a door.

That would be a problem now that I've called you and you think I'm going to give you attention. Beat it. All right. Thanks for the kiss. Okay. Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. If I haven't said it 87 fucking times yet, um, as promised last week, I said, you know, what?

I'm going to do Ari Shafir skeptic tank. And you know what? I'm a man of my word. Even though I still can't pronounce that skeptic tank, um, I did it at the comedy store. It was great. We did it right out there on the patio and, uh, there's a bunch of tour buses keep coming up. So we keep getting interrupted by the public and I got to tell you, like nine tour buses

came up full of tourists. Not one of them recognized me and I'm going to tell you it bruised my ego. You know, well, that's funny, but I'm dead serious. I was, I wanted that moment to be a bill. Hey, that's that guy from the thing. I really like what you do. I wanted that to happen. I'm not ashamed of that.

Why the fuck you think I got in this business? Why do you think I get on the goddamn stage and dance like a fucking monkey every night? Hmm? Cause I want to improve your day. No, it's all about me. All about me and my credits. Anyways, what a week, huh, people? What a week of fucking stress.

My apologies to everybody out there in the red States. I know you wanted, uh, uh, what the fuck is his name? Mitt Romney, his real name, Willard, Willard, Mitt Romney, starting at Power Ford from some white land you never heard of, number 26, Willard Mitt Romney, um, you know, I actually saw something with, uh, Lord of the Rings actually watched a little bit of that shit. I watched it for, I think about 20 seconds. It was the white hair dude with the guy who looks like Ricky Schroeder. If Ricky Schroeder got fucked by Spock, uh, sorry, I liked that one, um, and I was standing

there and of course there's some broad there who like, you're supposed to respect, but for no fucking reason at all, she's showing way too much skin, you know, just everybody in like Middle Earth and like in the future and in the past, they all have fucking bikinis on with like a sword or some sort of knife. When can that era be in the present? That's what they should do. That's what you bitches should be doing when you go down to the beach with your little skimpy outfit on, you should have a nice fucking, uh, Daniel Boone knife in there.

And then all the fucking, the, the, the, the, the, I don't want to say players, but I don't know what else to say. The guys who know how to talk to fucking women will leave you alone because they see the knife, but there's a price, there's always a price to pay. You'll have a bunch of fucking nerds following you because they'll think you're, uh, I don't know why the word willows coming into my head. Is that one of those references? You know, I found out the other day that Led Zeppelin was really into Lord of the Rings.

I didn't realize that when they were singing about all that shit cause in the darkest depths of mortar, is that from fucking Lord of the Rings? You know, I bet it's a wonderful book. You know, it's just that you got to sit down and read all three of them. Oh my God, what's going to happen next? Are they going to, are they going to get up to the surface or are they going to go down towards the, the heated core of the earth, middle earth and what there's a fucking sun down there?

That doesn't a nerd realize even nerds should know that, right? Anyway, so I'm watching this shit for like 20 seconds. I'm like, I'm going to give it a shot here. I'm going to try, you know, or at the very least get a couple more references for my podcast and I'm sitting there, right? And the old, the Obi-Wan Kenobi looking guy talking to Ricky Schroeder who got fucked by Spock and the lady with their fucking bikini and her knife. I don't know if she had that.

I'm probably thinking of Princess Leia when she was next to that fat fucking toad when Boba Fett got killed, right? And all of a sudden this white horse comes in, all white horse comes in and in the Ricky Schroeder who got fucked by Spock is like, I don't know what he said. What is up with that? I don't know what he said. And the fucking Obi-Wan Kenobi guy goes, Oh, that's so and so the Lord of all horses. It was, how do you watch past that line?

Is that really the Lord of all horses? You fucking senile old coot. The fuck is wrong with you? And not to mention subtly racist. Why is the Lord of all horses is white as fucking chalk, huh? Coming up with good hair, Maine just flowing. How come, how come it couldn't been like one of those Arabian horses, you know, jet black with the sun shining off the side, seeing all the muskles, you know, day you hear to

hear first, I think that the fucking, I think it's a little racist. Why isn't all white horse the Lord of all horses? Is that racist to do that? Or other horses and like ponies, you know, horses and ponies would never get along. Black horses we make in front of the point, look, the ponies, these little motherfuckers. Oh, Jesus. Um, anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I just thought it was ridiculous.

The Lord of all horses and you're sitting there eating your popcorn and your fucking Reese's piece. He's just eating that shit up. You know, I saw a couple, I actually saw a couple and went out and I saw, I saw that and, um, I liked it, but it was funny when Ben Affleck, they say, what's your name? And he goes, my name is Tony Mendez. I remember thinking in my head going, Mendez, I think that's a Latino name. I know it's not a white name.

I know I've never met anybody. I never met a white guy. Hey, what's your name, Larry, Larry, what Rod Regas, Larry Mendez, it's not, you know, it's not like one of those crossover names. So in the end of the movie, spoiler alert, they had, this is just shit in the credits. They just have, uh, you know, they have a picture of everybody, you know, each cast, because this was true story. So each cast member is, um, you know, I should talk to this, I should talk to Nia about this.

You know what? That's, this is it. We're going to do a fucking, uh, another Nia log this week and I'm going to talk about this because they had, you know, the six actors who were fucking unreal, who played the, uh, the people trying to get out of Iran. They showed a close up picture of the actor right next to a close up picture of like the photo ID of the person that they were playing and it was fucking dead on. They looked exactly like the person.

And then there's like another minute or so of credits and then they finally show the real Tony Mendez and the picture is like a full body shot of the guy from like halfway across the room, shaking hands with Jimmy Carter and you're looking at the guy and he looks like Bartolo Cologne's dad. And me and Nia just started laughing our asses off. And you know, it was, it was one of those moments, one of those Hollywood moments. And then I looked on the internet and there was people complaining going, what the fuck? You know, how come you couldn't get a Latin actor to do it, but bup, bup, bup, bup, bup,

bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, and all that shit. You know, and this is what I got to say about that. I definitely think it's fucked up. Why didn't I just say what I had to say about that? Like, like what, I was just going to present all this shit and then move on. All right. I don't know how to say my points without having some sort of intro. And now here is what I think about that.

I think it's fucked up because it was a real dude, and he's a hero. He did some unreal shit. So because it's a real dude who did some real heroic shit, you should have a Latin dude play the guy. So everybody knows that that win is in their column. You know, that's one for Latinos. You know, so the next time you get into a bar room argument, you know, well, do we invented the airplane?

And then the Latin guy can be like, yeah, well, we're the ones who got those six motherfuckers on the plane and got them into Canada. Right. And all of your shit, both sides, you're in a bar, so none of your red. It's all based on the movies. But now it's going to cause a fight in a bar because someone's going, no, you didn't. It was a white guy.

The guy's going, oh, it was fucking Tony Mendes essay. He's like, fuck you. Then why was it played by Ben Affleck? And then there's going to be a big fight. But on the other side is if you got a fucking million dollars and you need the movie to sell, what do you do? I still think they should have gone. They should have got Louise Guzman.

Oh, Jesus. Louise Guzman is Tony Mendes. I don't fucking know. That's one of the ones I got to talk to Nia about that shit. But it's a good movie. You should definitely go see it. But I got to tell you, that was inadvertently fucking hilarious. Like me and Nia walked out and started joking about it.

And by the time we got out of the movie theater, we were crying, laughing. And everybody was looking at us like we were out of our minds. We went to one of those fucking malls. I hate going to them. Do you know those new malls that they make where they try to make it look like this little city where there's no crime and everybody gets along? I don't just mean like a mall.

We got the big anchor stores. And then they put a fucking bunch of shit in the middle of it. I mean, when it's outside and they have a trolley and a water fountain and they're playing big band music, like that Frank Sinatra music and Tony Bennett music that makes you feel successful even if you're failing. Or you're just walking around just buying a bunch of shit you don't even fucking need. You know, but it all feels right because Tony Bennett's in the background.

If I ruled the world, every day would be the first day of spring. And you're fucking walking in and out of like lucky jeans. You know, what are you doing? What are you doing? They're building the big fucking house for the fake guy to sit in there and for you to put your fucking kid on his lap, right? Or maybe the talking bunny that time of year. There's a big fountain and it fucking shoots off water, right?

To the music. You know what I mean? There's everything other than like animals that don't get along with each other playing. You know, they always did that like the fucking Disney movies. They start rolling around each other, you know, doing summer salts with leaves and butterflies and everybody was like giggling and laughing, just having a great fucking time. Like that's what nature is. You know, it isn't.

It's like one of those fucking prison shows locked out. Somebody's getting shanked. Somebody's getting killed every fucking day out there. You ever wonder that? Why don't they ever post the murder rates out in the woods? You know why? Because they'd be off the charts and there's nothing you can fucking do about it. That's why there's no mayor in the woods.

You know, you can't help it. You just let people sort it out. That right there, you look at the fucking, not the woods, the wilderness. All right, let's take it up a notch, the woods. That's like high school level football. This is the pros. All right, that's how it goes. You got the woods, a wooded area, right?

Then you have like a parcel of land. That's like the college level division one and then the wilderness. That's the fucking pros. You know, there's no society. There's no fucking rules. Anybody can blow anybody away. That's how that works. There's no trials.

You know, like that shit all those people went through out there in Jersey and still going through with that fucking hurricane. That fucking New Jersey became the wilderness. You know, a couple of days, everybody's nice. Hey, I like your gas can. It's yours empty too, right? Fucking three days in, four days in, forget it. Everybody starts getting that coyote looking their eye.

It's over, fucking over. You know, I swear to God, I sat here in my house watching some of that shit. I started thinking, what the fuck am I going to do when inevitably some giant earthquake out here in Los Angeles hits and we're just up to our fucking armpits. What am I going to do? You know, I started thinking about all the people who came to my door during Halloween, you know, and they got their little masks on and stuff. They're all giggly and happy and that type of shit.

And they got their parents kind of in the background, you know, you know, I realized those fuckers are coming back. And the next time they're wearing masks for a different reason. And they ain't coming for the candy motherfucker. Um, no, seriously, what the fuck am I going to do? So I started watching that show, you know, those people who are prepping for Doomsday and you're supposed to watch that show and I guess laugh at these people on some level and I had to shut it off after 15 minutes.

And I was just like, this guy is right. This guy is smart. What he's doing is smart. It's smart to prepare for Doomsday. Not even Doomsday, just for something fucked up to happen because there's too many people. And I think it's dumb to basically just be fucking sitting here and your whole game plan is, um, I'm all good if it's all good. Hey, what?

What if chaos happens? Well then I guess I'm fucked. That's what I've learned. So I'm sitting here and I'm watching these guys and they're building these, these things in the ground and, uh, you know, I think it's stick food and all this type of shit or survive stuff and all that. And I don't have the space for that. I can't do it.

So all I can do is go out and I'm going to get two guns, one for those fucking cunts coming up the walk and then my safety, my backup gun, the one when all hope is lost and I eat that last fruit loop, I just put it to my head. You know, I would be ready. There's no thing, you know, I'm too fucking old to learn green beret, jujitsu, how to grow fucking plants and I'm just too fucking old. I'm too set in my goddamn ways. All right.

I like, I like, you know, I'm one of those guys, I don't wait for the sales. You know what I mean? That's my mentality. I need a coat. I just go out and I go fucking buy one. All right. I'm going quick here. I'm getting a gun.

I'm shooting to people who are coming at me and when I get down to my last bullet, I'm a fucking idiot. Why don't I just have one gun? Save some extra money. Just have one gun. You get down to the last because I'll fuck it up. That's why click, click, click, click, click, click and then I have nothing left. And then when the zombies are coming in, what am I going to do?

Just start smashing myself in the head with it. Oh, this podcast, it's always so uplifting, isn't it? So anyways, and with that, let's do a little advertising here on the, the Monday morning podcast. What the fuck is it? All right. Here we go. Stamps.com everybody.

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Whiter than an albino. Would you get an all white horse? First of all, it wouldn't be all white. It would smell like fucking shit after a while. It just, it'd be like having a white coat. You know, you can't, you can't lean up against anything. You know? You know, Pete did, he always has those all white parties, but what they never do is they

never show the patrons at the end of the night, you know, with their fucking red wine spills all over them, and God knows whether, whether a fucking heathenistic shit happens on those parties. Does he still have those that I just make a fucking reference to something from ten years ago? Um, anyways, you guys watch the, you watch the election. I didn't watch any of it, and I was actually terrified of the results. You know what I mean?

I didn't like either one of those guys, and each one of them had some shit that I was afraid if they got elected was going to happen. Um, I line up with a lot of Republican shit, surprise, surprise, but I can't, you know, if they would just drop that, and if somebody's a witch, we should be allowed to stone them. You know, those guys really got a fucking, you know, and being gay is a choice. Like that shit. It's just in the world's flat and then the sun goes around the earth like that shit. It's, I mean, how many votes does it, how many votes would they fucking lose if they

dropped those Jesus freak psychos? You know, it's one of those things where sometimes it's almost like rebuilding a team or sometimes you just got to take a step backwards. You just got to get rid of that old guy, you know, and move in, move in with some new shit and just, just wait patiently for that person to start to learn the game. You know, I don't fucking know, I don't know, because at the end of the day, whether you elect the Democratic guy, the Republican guy, those fucking cunts are still going to saw the tops off of the mountains.

You know, they're going to still dump shit in the ocean. The banks are still going to do what they do. You know, I talked to a guy yesterday who used to work for Goldman Sachs as a waiter. I'm like, what do you mean is a fucking waiter? He used to work at the top floor. This is how bankers are living. He said up at the top floor, these guys, they had the best China, the best silverware, these bankers every day for fucking lunch.

And they would just have these insane meals and on the walls, they had like, rentals, and brands just for their own enjoyment. And this is the great thing. That's all our money that we go down there and give to those cunts. Banking is, it's the most evil fucking thing I think on the planet due to my limited knowledge and how some guy just told me he was a waiter at Goldman Sachs and he seemed to have all the details. I took everything that he had to say at 100% face value.

Um, yeah, it's just, it's, you know, I don't fucking, you know, something, the amount of times I open my mouth and by the time I realized what I'm talking about, I'm just so far over my head. It's ridiculous. Let's get back into my wheelhouse. Did you guys watch any football yesterday? You watched the football? Hey, how about, how about Texas A&M beat in Alabama?

Huh? I was a week early. Alabama, the dream is over. No, the dream ends tonight. The dream ends tonight. And you know why you're probably sitting there. Has anybody seen this kid at Johnny Manziel? Huh?

Johnny football, is that calling him? This fucking guy's unreal. He's running around like Mike Vic and he's, and he can throw the ball on the run. He can stay in the pocket. The kids is freshmen. I hope he doesn't get hurt the way he's running around like he does. He's going to get killed in the NFL if he tries to do that, but he's only a freshman and it seems like he can stand in the pocket.

Granted, I have not watched one fucking game that he's played. I've just watched his highlight reel, which is the YouTube video of the week, Texas A&M, Johnny Manziel. I hope I'm saying his name right. No disrespect, his highlights. You got to watch this guy. And if you don't watch college football and you want to jump in some point, this would be a great guy to watch.

As you watch him through his career, hopefully he'll play at least three years. But if he keeps doing what he's doing, he's probably going to bail after his junior year, right? sophomore juniors. And then what the kids do now a day, shh. And they lost. And I was too busy freaking out. I was actually an artist actually doing, I was trying to do some boyfriend girlfriend

shit here because I've been on the road so much. Someone said a say, they say in Boston, come on over on say Friday or say, um, the hell did we do? We went out to this Asian cuisine place because she's freaking out because they had these ramen noodles and not the broken, broke, broke ass shit. Like the real, the real shit, you know, from like behind the wall of China, I believe is where they come from. I don't fucking know.

And I go there. I'm not a big noodles guy. You know what I mean? I don't like slurping that soup with all those fucking noodles. I always, I just, you know, if it's raining out, you know, I'm kind of a soup guy, I guess. I just, I don't sound like it, but she wants to go. I want to go.

I want to try to hurt that guy. So all right, let's go. So we went there. It was actually was decent. You know, I got pork in mine. You should have seen this slab of pork. I swear to God, if I ever have a heart attack, instead of my life flashing before my eyes, it's going to be that piece of pork going.

That's what it was. And then I'm going to fucking land face down in my spaghettios like that fat fucking seven. Right. So we did that. And then we went over and we saw Argo and I figured, you know, I figured I was done for the night for the day. I figured I was done. And then she mentions to me that, uh, you know, somebody, you know, is having a housewarming

party. Do you want to go to that? And I was like, no, no, I don't. I have no desire. Why would I want to go then? Then I just saw the look on her face and I was like, all right, I'll go. I'll go. And, uh, it went down there.

I actually had a great time. I actually had a great fucking time. But it's, you know, when you go to a housewarming party though, you know, it just, I don't know, you fucking go there and you're like, oh, wow, they have one of those. We should get one of those. How do you, how come we don't have one of those and it ends up just costing you money. You know, so I would recommend because the place we went, they had a really nice house. If you agree as a guy to go to a housewarming party, only go if you know your house is better.

Because if you don't, your girl's going to see some shit or you're going to see some shit. You're going to want it. You're fucking, you're going to, you're going to want to buy it, you know, I don't know. Somebody already gave me shit, came into my house was like, dude, when are you going to like officially move into your house? I'm like, I am in my house, you know, when he kind of made a couple more fucking comments and, uh, I don't know, I guess what you're supposed to buy the house and rather than

pay down the mortgage, you're supposed to buy a bunch of shiny shit like every other fucking cunt on the block. You know, yeah, I don't have a, I sort of have a dining room table and yes, we don't have any chairs yet. All right, I'll buy, I'll buy the fucking chairs when, when, when I got the, the, the principle down to a point where I can fucking relax at night. That's how I do it. I get to fucking house, I keep my air mattress or whatever the fuck I buy and I just pay

the thing off. And then once I pay it off, then you buy the chairs, then we want another TV, then you get the other fucking TV. These fucking assholes lighten up their credit cards and paying all the fucking interest you. They're at the top, they're at the top of the building with the finest China with Rembrandt's on the wall. And you know why that is?

I don't even, I don't know, I don't even know why it is. I had to say, you know why that is twice because I actually don't even know why it is. Okay. But I'm going to try and buy as few paintings on that fucking wall as humanly possible. I'm going to pay these cunts back. You think I'm fucking sitting here on the hook for 30 goddamn years? You're crazy.

All right. And if I have to have a dining room table with no fucking chairs, if that's the price I have to pay with a goddamn and I'm doing it. All right. That's what I say. And you can go fuck yourself if you don't like it, you know, you want to come over for Thanksgiving, come on over. All right.

Where's some comfy shoes? Cause you're going to be standing up with paper plates. All right. And when you give me that look, I'll fucking break out my mortgage and I'll fucking put it right in your face and show you what percentage I owe, how I'm knocking it down, how I'm giving it a fucking liver punch every month. That's what I'm doing. All right.

Anyway, so I'm just fucking with you guys. I'm not actually the anger's bullshit, but the philosophy, the philosophy is intact. Anyways, how about those New England Patriots? Huh? No. Jesus. Good Lord. I swear to God.

If it wasn't, if we didn't get 3000 yards in penalties in favor of us, I'm going to say, you know, but you know something, the bills didn't deserve to win that game anyways. It's like, they almost have like a fear of winning every time they were going to win. Oh my God, we're going to score a touchdown. Let's drop the ball on the one yard line. Hey, we're down by six. If we score a touchdown here, we'll actually win the game throw it to the other guy. I swear to God, this is, you know, this Patriots team right now is like basically what I've

been watching for the last four years where our record is way better than our team. Like we have to score 35 to 38 points a game just for me to feel comfortable as a fan. And then we let up like, you know, anywhere from like 24 to 31, 33 points. But at the end of the year, somehow we're 11 and five, 12 and four and 17 point favorites in the playoffs. And then when we lose, people are like, absolutely shocking results. It's like, really? What numbers are you looking at?

What games are you, what games are you watching? Um, I actually think our, our, I like our front four and I don't mind our linebackers, but our secondary is, uh, as my mom would say, leave something to be desired. Jesus Christ. They make every fucking quarterback who comes in, look like Joe Montana. We don't have one lights out guy. Like even if the rules of coverage were, were, uh, the way they were before Peyt Manning and the Colts complained and spearheaded this movement now where if you even, I mean, how

bad was, was some of those pass interference calls last week or this past week, I should say that first one they called on the bills, they basically gave the Patriots a touchdown. The second one, I guess you could say was passing interference because he just impeded the guy as he was trying to cut across the end zone. But even that one back in the day was kind of iffy and, uh, I don't know, I don't like it. I don't like it. And I didn't like when we tackled their quarterback and it evidently it was our fault

that he was so short that when our linebackers stood up, they went face mask to face mask. You know, and that, that fucking fits Patrick, that look of anger he had on his face, like he can't believe it just tackled me through the flag. You know, the whole Brady rule, you know, I love, I love, wow, fucking dumb football fans are too. Well, they, they actually blame Tom Brady for that one. That's the NFL. Okay.

Brady and his Uggs makes the NFL a ton of fucking money and it, and they lose a bunch of money if he's on the sideline. Okay. So that's basically straight across the board. It wasn't good for the NFL last year when Peyton Manning was out. It's not good when Brady's out. It's not good when Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, any of these guys are out. So they're completely over protecting them.

All right. But it took Tom Brady, Captain America to go down for them to realize it. That's basically what it was. That was the straw that broke the camel back. And if you cunts want to blame them, huh? Well, you go ahead and blame them. But I know the real, it's a money, it's a money decision. That's what it is.

The whole fucking thing is all about, you know, what, what do people who are casual fans of the NFL like? They like offense. They like scoring every fucking rule. All right. I'm a broken record. You know what I'm saying? It's just another Sunday of just like, I literally at this point when I watch a game, even if,

if it's my team has the ball, if I see a flag during a pass play, I just immediately go, that's fucking bullshit. And people laugh. They go, you haven't even seen it yet. It's like, I don't need to see it. 80% of them are complete horseshit. You see what they did there? He was covering the receiver.

You can't do that. You can't do that. He reached, he, his fingernail brushed the sleeve of the wide receiver right there. You can't do that after two and a half yards. I had a fucking panic attack. The Lakers fired their coach, Mike Brown, and I loved Mike Brown. I loved everything that he was doing for the Lakers. I loved, you guys all know, I hate the Lakers.

I totally respect Kobe Bryant. I respect the showtime Lakers. I actually love all those players now, now that they're retired and everything. And I watched the highlight. I just, you know, I can now just sit back and be like, man, those guys, cause they could really play the game. And I love all the Laker fans that were there back in the day at the forum. All right.

But this new shit, it's a different kind of hate. Like, I'm not going to lie to you, I hated the Lakers back in the day, but I hated the team and it was the same, basically the same team every year after year for the most part, that core group of guys was the same group of guys. But this, this fucking shit now, you know, with everybody just piling on, like Dwight Howard, Dwight Howard blew up that team out there in Orlando. The guy was a fucking cancer. He drove his fucking coach out of town.

They faced the Lakers in the finals. He's posting up against like fucking, uh, Pau Gasol or was it buying him? I don't fucking know. But you know, all of those guys should have been in foul trouble with how big a body he was and he didn't do shit. He didn't do shit. So now what does he do? He joins the fucking Lakers.

He's dancing with Ellen and everybody's acting like this guy's this fucking savior. Right. So they come in there, they're not winning shit. Blame it on Mike Brown. He gets fucking bounced out, which he should have. They should have fired him after last year. They should have fired him that time when Kobe walked back to the bench and went to high five them and Kobe completely blew him off right there.

He's lost the team, but you never know with Kobe. You know what I mean? You know, that guy, he's always fucking, but I respect what he does. He just wants to fucking win. If you suck, he doesn't try and hide it. He will embarrass you on TV. And I guess he's, he's earned the fucking right to do that. Okay.

I'm being pretty even-handed here for a self-expand. You got, you got to give me that. All right. All right, that person with the Laker flag flapping in the wind as you drive down the street. Um, so anyways, they fire Mike Brown, and then I hear that they're talking to fucking Phil Jackson and I, I can't even tell you how fucking depressed I was when I heard that Phil Jackson, Jackson Jackson Jackson would possibly be coming back to the Lakers.

It was, it was the same hopeless feeling I have when I watch baseball where it's, the fact that there's no salary cap in baseball, like hoping that the Yankees are going to suck. It's just never going to happen again. They got too much fucking money, although the Red Sox have demonstrated that you can spend 180 million and still suck, um, and come in the last place, which I believe we did, but, and I know what you're thinking. You're like, well, the fucking NBA has, has a salary cap.

They don't have a hard cap. They have a salary cap. This is the salary cap, but you can go beyond it. And if you have enough fucking money, you can fucking, uh, you know, you can grease some palms and we'll allow you to put together these juggernaut fucking horseshit bullshit fucking championship teams, or I should say, uh, new breed of championship teams. All right. Like I don't think a lot of these championship teams, like it just kills me that these guys

just pile on now and then you get your ring, which is fine. Cause I guess that's the way it's done nowadays. But the fact that you then put on ESPN and they start bringing up guys like Bill Russell, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, you know, all these fucking greats who stuck with their team, you know, and a lot of them didn't get their fucking rings. You earned a ring back in the day. That's all I'm saying. This shit now, this is like the timeout generation type shit, you know, where everybody gets

a fucking ribbon. So I'm sitting there thinking like, oh my God, they're going to get Phil Jackson. I was like, oh my God, they're going to get, they're going to get Phil Jackson and Dwight Howard, who blew up a fucking team, choked in the finals, got his coach fucking fired, is now going to get a ring and those fucking console and ESPN and go, where is this put him? They're going to, in the lineage of great Laker centers, Kareem, they would actually mention him in the same breath as Kareem and Shaq, you know, we'll fucking table and

it just, it drives me nuts. Do you realize the Lakers have never had a fucking great center that was theirs? Do you understand that? That they have been buying centers around the league like Paris Hilton getting shoes. Their entire fucking lives, none of their great centers were there guys. Phil Chamberlain, you know, he played on like every fucking team, evidently he was a piece of work. I think what he did was he fucked every chick in the city and when he was done, he switched

teams. So Kareem, they got from the Bucks, Shaq, they got from Orlando and obviously Dwight Howard, they get from fucking Orlando and it's just, it's like watching a fucking rich kid, you know, whatever, you know, oh, I just cracked up my Corvette, you know, you're like, oh good, now he's got to take the bus and now daddy and mommy buy him a new one and he drives, you know, drives to school with it the next fucking day. So I'm psyched that Phil Jackson didn't come back. It just kills me that like that, that franchise is so fucking insane that they have Phil Jackson

on speed dial to come in whenever they have a fucking problem like Harvey Keitel and pulp fiction. He's like the cleaner, like he's just going to come in. Oh my God, we lost four games in a row. Call up Phil Jackson. It's like, well, I'm sitting, they go, well, what the fuck don't the Celtics call? Well, we got, you know, we have a coach, but I'm just saying, I don't fucking know. I am happy that Celtics got a little bit younger, but this is going to kill me when the Lakers

pass the Celtics and championships because they're going to do it because they people just want to play. Why wouldn't you want to play out here? Little weather fuck celebrities, dance with Ellen, you know, how the fuck are the Celtics going to compete with that? That's cold eight months of the year and then it gets unbearably hot. No celebrities and yeah, we got good lobster, lobster, um, I don't know. I don't fucking know.

I swear to God, if one more fucking Laker fan brings up the fucking, you know, Celtics championship with the big three and it's like, well, you guys, I realize we did it and I've said it a zillion times. We bought a championship that year. All right. It didn't feel the same as when we won in the fucking eighties. All right. But you guys are doing this shit year in and fucking year out.

It's just, just racking up these fucking championships, going around the league, picking up free agents like you're some fat fuck at a salad bar, you know, it's just kills me. It fucking kills me that this is how you're going to do it. What can we do in Boston to compete with fucking LA? You know what I would do? This is what I'm who's kidding who the basket basketball is like what, like 90% African American. All right.

So right there, you have to somehow make Boston a city that an African American is going to want to live in. All right. And if you want to like, we don't, we don't get good ratings with that crowd. I'm going to go out on a limb and say a lot of people, a lot of people, African Americans do not have any interest to go to Boston to check out the Freedom Trail or Paul Revere's house, considering the stories that they've heard about that city. You know, it's funny that Boston gets such a bad reputation for being racist where, you

know, like as opposed to what LA with their great racial harmony that they have out here. Every time the Lakers win a championship, it's like they're happy for five minutes before they start trying to like kill police officers, tipping over fucking cruisers and all that type of shit. You know, the last unbelievable race riot in this fucking country was here. The filthiness of the LAPD and all that fucking bullshit, you know, allegedly killed biggie had fucking gang members in the, I mean, I don't fucking know. But for some reason, I know the fucking reason, but I'm just saying that's still hanging around

our fucking neck like an albatross. The average black person, if you say Boston, what's the first thing you know about it? They say it's a racist city. That's basically what they hear. So that's what the fuck we're working on in this new era of going out and buying championships. You notice LeBron didn't even swing by where the fuck we were at, you know? So this is what I would do. As far as the black people I know, you know, if you start talking conspiracy theory, they're

on board. Not all of them, but a lot of them. So what I would do is I would basically, I would make the zeitgeist of Los Angeles. I would show them that film and then, and then take them on the freedom trail. I would just show LA falling into the ocean after some epic fucking, you know, that big earthquake that's supposed to come, you know, and then the footage that I would use to show like how it's on fire and all that type of shit would be the Rodney King riots. And then to ease all this type of shit, I would be playing that song that I love LA.

I love LA. And then you cut the Rodney King, getting the shit kicked out of him, you know what I mean? And all the awful cops. And I would just show every fucking bad shit about them. And then I'd have a scientist come in, talk about how many people are out there versus how much actual water is being piped into this fucking city. I'd show video footage of how the Colorado River does not reach the ocean anymore.

And yeah, that's what I would do. I would make a Hollywood movie to trash Hollywood. And then I would just show them like Lake Winnipewsaki up in, up in New Hampshire. I would just, let's just say, listen, the dollar's about ready to crash. We've taken out too much debt, you know, you want to be where the trees are, where the fresh water is. We'll build you your own fallout shelter with a full court, full NBA court, uh, uh, inside of it and whatever your favorite junk food is, we'll fucking have like 20 refrigerators

looking like MTV Cribs, you know, you'll be able to ride out any storm and then you come out and we start the league again with 80% less people living in this country after the fallout. Right? Does that sound like a plan? Anybody from the Celtics organization is listening. I am available. Um, all right, let's get to the, uh, let's get to the, uh, this is going to be a long

podcast this week because I'm already 47 minutes in and I'm just getting to the, uh, the stories and the questions here. All right. Uh, alcohol hiccups. Last week I mentioned that I had, uh, almost terminal hiccups after the LSU game and just basically, I'm surprised I didn't get gout the way I, what I did to my body last weekend. Um, anyways, so this guy says here, Hey Bill, sorry to hear about the hiccups at the LSU game.

Those special ones that don't go away are the worst. I've suffered from bad acid reflux since I was in college and I'm 35 now. So I've tried about every remedy out there and I've learned a lot about it. Uh, the hiccups you get when you're drunk and have been eating all day are extra horrible because they do not go away no matter what you do. I've had nights, I've had nights out ruined by this. Yeah. You can't hit on some chick if you got the fucking hiccups.

Um, he said, I had nights ruined by this until I finally figured it out. I doubt you'll see this advice on any website. Most people who never experienced this will tell you to take something for it or do something that would cure regular everyday hiccups. It won't work. The last thing you need to do to a stomach that's full and that screwed up is add something else to it. Yeah.

Cause that's what I was doing. I was trying to hold my nose and drink water. Um, he says, if you ever get hiccups like that, if it happens again, find an out of the way place, uh, or, or not take your finger and gently touch your tonsils until you puke. You need to get that evil out of you. It's the only way as long as you don't drink too much more after that. I'm supposed to keep drinking after that supposed to run behind a dumpster, like a fucking bulimic and then keep drinking.

All right. I'm going to be open minded here. Uh, he goes, your hiccups will be gone and you can go on with your night shouting at college kids or whatever you feel like doing. Um, all right. I'm sure that that does work because I guess you're getting all the fucking, uh, shit out of your stomach that I mean, I don't, I don't want to, but the fact that you would then you're like, get that evil out of your stomach so then you can put more evil into it.

That's like getting out of a bad relationship and then going out and dating another psycho. You know, do you know when I actually, when I got rid of the hiccups is what I did was I came home and I just started eating right and I stopped putting evil in my stomach and I was fine. But um, I would, I would probably say what you want to do is yeah, stop eating and then the next time you get hungry, I would have like a salad, maybe some lemon water, something really easy on the stomach and I would think that they would go away naturally, but I guess if you're in a pinch, I don't want ever, I don't want to ever like promote going up and

puking and then you're basically like a, a, you're like a partying bulimic where a bulimic will go out and eat like fudge and cake and all that shit they're not supposed to have in a pizza and then go out and puke it up. You're doing that, I guess with like alcohol and potato skins, um, interesting theory. I'm sure it works, but I, I, I'm not willing to pay the price, but thank you for, uh, for trying to help. I'm just going to try not to slam five Michelobes and then eat like fucking a sausage king, a burger and then some sort of po-boy sandwich all within like, uh, two hours.

I think I had some scotch in there too. I can't even remember. Oh, Jameson. Anyways, here we go. Bill from the military. Um, I have faithfully served in the military for five years now. I currently have three years left to go on my enlist, enlistment Jesus dude. Won't you re-up after four?

So I guess that's what you did. There's no eight year enlistment. Is there, do you start as a sergeant? Um, let me preface my dilemma by saying that I love the military. It has provided me with opportunities I would have never dreamed of. It got me out of the dead end life that I was living in my podunk, Texas town. I've been to places and experiences, experienced things that I never would have thought possible before.

I've made so many great friends and bonds that will last a lifetime. Now, within the past couple of years, I've come to the realization that we in the military are just pawns for these corporate scum fucks to make a buck. We go to war for money and resource control. People think that we're fighting for freedom or anybody, people that think we're fighting for freedom or anybody else's freedom either has their head up their ass or they are just uninformed. I'm sure you know this, all of this already, so I will save you the rent.

There are ways I can get out of my enlistment early and maintain an honorable status. Now with the war drums beating for Iran like they did for Iraq almost a decade ago, do I try and get out early and risk feeling like a coward and a pussy for the rest of my life or do I stay in and risk dying or watching friends dies for a cause I no longer believe in? Yeah, well the first thing I would say is when you're presenting your opinions, all of it's great, but if you say people who don't get it, you should just say don't have access to the information they need.

When you go have their head up their ass, anybody who is just listening to this is now immediately like pulling back. Yeah, look, I can't argue with any of that. You know, I don't think you're a coward. If you don't re up, you're already fought in a war. You know what I mean? If you don't believe in it, yeah, I would definitely get out. I mean, as far as this last thing, I mean, I was all about go get Osama bin Laden.

Okay, I'm believing what you're telling me that he was behind those attacks. We need to go in there and go get that fucking guy. And I never for once believed that we were going to Iraq to try and liberate those people. You know, I mean, shit, the corporations, the government, they don't give a fuck about people who live here. Why would they give a shit about people over there? They don't give a thing, can give a fly fuck. I totally agree with that.

All right. Sanam Hussein was our guy, and we didn't give a shit what he was doing as long as he was doing what we want him to do. And then when he didn't, and he started going rogue, you know, we all of a sudden were like, hey, this bad guy that we're in business with is a bad guy. He's evil. For some reason, we didn't notice that for the first 15 fucking years we were in business with him, whatever the fuck it was, first 10 years, when did we put him in?

I always get confused. Was it like in the 70s or something? Yeah, like he gassed his people and we didn't get outraged, you know, enough to do something for like another fucking eight years. I mean, I, you know, I don't fucking know. My experience that I've learned from traveling is that people are people, you know, we're just, you know, the average person is not evil. You know, they walk it around that they want to, they want a job, they want to be able to

provide for their family and they want to find true love. That's all they really want. They don't want to control other people and all that. It's just, it's, I don't know, what would you say, 15% of the population is sociopaths. Is it higher than that? Those are the people. I don't know. I, this is too depressing a talk topic to discuss.

I would get out, okay. You're lucky enough to survive. You did your duty. Just if you don't believe in it anymore, you know, and who can fucking question you, that you can question me and say that I'm full of shit. I'm some fucking jackass who never went, you know, sitting here. You can definitely trash me, but if you're there and that's what you're seeing and that's what your gut is telling you, you got to act on it.

That's what I would say. All right. That's what I did say. Um, yeah, that's just too fucking depressing. I hate seeing that. I hate seeing like, I hate listening to rhetoric that's trying to make me afraid of other fucking people. They're going to do this.

They're going to do that. They're going to do this. They're going to do that. That's exactly what the fuck they're saying over there. They're going to do this. They're going to do that. They did this. They did that.

And then everybody gets all fucking amped up, you know, and then this is, this is completely unoriginal thought. Everybody knows this. And then the cunts who gets everybody all stirred up, they don't fucking do shit. They sit back and watch everybody. They got all stirred up and then they, they hope that their team fucking wins. Um, yeah. So I would get out.

I would get out. I mean, I, yeah, it takes balls to get out to say, fuck this, don't give them to that peer pressure. You're, you're already did it. You already did it. All right. I'm just keep saying the same thing over and over again. Okay.

Yeah. All right. Animal control officer. Mr. Burr, I'm a big fan and I caught your show in Cincinnati, uh, in October. You killed it. Thanks for the laughs. I'm an animal control officer in Kentucky and I have been, and have been for two years. The job is really getting me down lately.

I have to euthanize animals. This used to not be a problem for me because I felt it was not a necessary evil. Jesus Christ. The most depressing fucking emails ever. Ah, here we go. I deal with some of the lowest people on the planet. I'm starting to hate people. I would rather put down the low life owners than the poor fucking animals that didn't get

a fair shot. Wow. Somebody, you know, that's fucking, that should be in a movie. Somebody just snapping in an animal's shelter. Yeah. Hey, hold it down. Hold down spot. You get them to hold them down and then you fucking stick it in their neck and they have

that, you know, like great confused look somebody has when they realize that they're being killed and the tables turned in movies. It's one of my favorite scenes in those movies. But wait, I made you, um, anyways, uh, I come home mentally drained in the animal control community. They call it compassion fatigue in another life. I really want to go the corporate route because I just want to be in a room when they're pitching. Like what, what can we call this, um, doggie, DT's, no, no, that DT's, that's too much like

addiction and somebody comes up with compassion fatigue and they actually get a fucking high five and they all go out and get a taco salad and they have a fucking idiots. Plus I work for a micromanaging cunt. The pay is pretty good for my area of the world and I have really good benefits. My problem is I got offered a shit job making less money with less benefits. The job will require me to travel more, which is great for me. I just have a problem walking away from the cash and the benefits. I have a son, so I want to provide as best as possible for him, but I feel like I should

take my happiness into consideration also. Help me out here. Walk and be happier or stay and make more money. Thanks for the podcast. Go fuck yourself. Uh, PS, do you get tired of people telling you to go fuck yourself? Um, no, not really. Not that you just said that.

I guess it's getting a little old. Um, anyways, but then again, I say that the end of my every fucking, where am I? What the fuck are we talking about? Look, I would walk and choose happiness. You'll be a happier dad. All the kid really fucking wants. He wants to know that he's safe and that he's loved. All right.

And you know, there's a bunch of kids out there who have iPads and all that fucking crap and their dads never around. I swear to God, you know what the greatest thing when I was a kid was when my dad had time to go out in the backyard and throw the fucking ball around. If you just do that, I don't give a shit where you're living. You know, and we had up and down financial times when I was growing up. We had a house. We lost the house, moved into a duplex, you know, but I still had a great time, you know,

I still had a fucking great time. So kids, they, they, they, your kid isn't going to know that you're making less money unless you're making like fucking 700 grand a year to put dogs down and then you go to make a 30 grand a year, but, um, you're fine. You're fine. I would think I would choose happiness. All right. So there you go.

Once again, another question in way over my head. I was never in the military. I don't have a son. You know, so take that with a grain of salt. Anyways, wife's weird sex store purchase. Oh, here we go. Wives weird, um, dear Bill, me and my wife have been married for two months and she has been less involved and willing to have sex.

All right. Right there. And she got a weird sex store purchase. I don't even need to read the rest of this, sir. Have it annulled. Um, anyways, he goes, I thought the honeymoon phase was just ending and started to adapt. It's been two weeks since we last had sex and Friday while taking out the garbage. I found a bag to the local sex shop.

Okay. That's it. I don't need to read anymore. Just get it annulled. Go your separate way. I didn't know what she bought and since we haven't been having sex, it was a puzzler. Okay. That's it.

Dude, this whole fucking thing, it's over. I then started snooping. Okay. That's it. While she was at work and found a dildo in the closet. I know women have them, but this one wasn't your usual dildo. Okay. That's it.

Nothing to see here. Dude, this has more red flags than the, than the fucking opening ceremony of China at the Olympics. Okay. It wasn't your usual dildo jumping back in. We're losing a lot of tiles. I think we're going to burn up here and fucking reentry. Um, it was the shape.

Of an animal's penis. Ah, ready? See you later there, lady. It was a fun two months. I'm not even, you can keep everything. I'm just going to take my t-shirts and my shoes and a pair of pants. It was close to a foot long and weirdly shaped. Wait a minute.

They don't make animal dildos. What does an animal penis even look like? I don't even, I've seen an elephant. Fuck. It was the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. Seen dogs. Bang. Anyways, it was close to a foot long and weirdly shaped.

I have kept quiet, but I really want to confront her, but I don't know how to do it without hurting her feelings or opening a crazy can of worms. Please help Bill. All right, dude. You know, you need, you need, if you're not just going to walk, you really need professional help on this one. All right, I mean, I don't know what, what do you do? Do you take the thing out of the trash and then just leave it on the fucking coffee table

and then she walks in and just, you're just pacing, Hey honey, how was your day? And you just fucking, what, what's this? I just found this in the fucking trash, huh? Which orifice will you shoving this in? I mean, there's no fucking way to, how do you even bring that up? Listen, dude, I'm going to tell you this right now. Your wife has a huge dildo. Now your wife has a, your wife has a huge skeleton, something, there's something gigantic

going on. I can't, gotta stop saying gigantic and huge. She's got a big secret bigger than that fucking giraffe dildo you found in the fucking garbage. Um, you're two months in, dude, and you're already not getting sex is already a fucking issue. All right. Now it sounds like you really love this woman. The fact that you're actually still willing to work this out.

But as an outsider with no feelings, no, no heart, no broken heart on the line here. Um, you know, I think you just got to walk. I get, you know what, I, what would I say, I would just say, I'm literally sitting here right now guys and I'm, I'm rubbing my eyes, you know, when you do that with one hand, you know, that move, I'm doing that right now, trying to think of how to fucking, how would I bring this up? I would take the fucking hippo cock and I would, I would put it in one of those big brown bags if it can fit from Macy's, whatever you got to do, maybe like one of those, you

know, when they plastic wrap like a Christmas tree, I would find one of those bags and I'd stick it in that. And I would just say, honey, I need to talk to you about something. All right. And I would sit her down to fuck this and fuck her fucking feelings. All right. See, I had to get past the shock here. All right.

Just sit her down and say, listen, I'm not judging you. I'm, I, I, you know, I just need some honesty here because this is a gigantic, huge fucking gorilla dick that I found it's trash. Okay. You haven't been having sex with me because going on, what is, just tell me what is going on. I'm not going to tell anybody about this other than this podcast. I'm not going to judge you.

Just level with me. Do you, is this why you wanted to go to the zoo? The other day? No, just you got to get it out there, dude. You got to get it out there and you have to hear her fucking story and you have to be supportive both for her feelings and for you for the fact that you deserve to know the fucking truth about this before you spend the rest of your life with somebody who's going to bang you once every two months while secretly wanting to fuck a tiger or whatever, a fucking

grizzly bear. Dude, there's no, they don't make animal dildos and I swear to God, you fucking assholes. If there is a website, don't send me the link because I'm not looking at it. I don't need that on my hard drive. I'm not looking at it. Dude, you have to sit her down. Okay. And you, you have to bring, you got to bring in that zebra dick.

You just have to do it. You got to do it. You got to do it. You owe it to yourself, all right? And as much as it's going to be embarrassing for her and everything, it's going to help her out because I bet that there's a part of her that she, she doesn't like herself that she's sneaking around and starting to live this lie and all or whatever the fuck is going on.

I don't know. I would also bring, maybe bring it to the sex store and ask somebody what this is before like you make a complete ass to yourself because God knows what if it's something else? What if it's like a fucking, you know, you know, letting those wood things that's on an old staircase. I don't fucking know. All right. On a banister.

All right. Hey, here's a classic we're bringing back that I had to drop because I think Daniel Tosh already did. Is it racist thing? But this falls under the category of is it racist, racist, racist, racist, racist, racist. All right. What is this guy? Okay, man.

This shit has been bothering me for about a week and I can't let it go. I work at a national laboratory with a lot of employees, a lot, ALLOT, a lot of employees. Everyone in between ranging from the dorky PhD scientists with no skills to the janitor and groundskeeper, two words, who's usually are either immigrants or just GED uneducated people. Anyways, I am a pretty social guy who walks, who talks to everyone and gets along with most. I've been working here for eight years and know a lot of people, ALLOT of people here.

It's ALLOT. Well, there is this janitor, dude named Montez, if the name didn't give it away, he is black and I myself are pretty white. Okay, Montez doesn't strike me as a black guy's name and your grammar is terrible. Not shockingly Caucasian as yourself, but pretty close. Well, I thought I was kind of friends with Montez as I would frequently bullshit with him at work throughout the years. I've been working here until just last week.

All right, so basically you're a scientist with this fucking bad grammar. Anyways, this is smoking hot young girl who that was hired about a year ago, a 21 year old deliciously young black girl named Patricia. All right, deliciously made it creepy at my work. At my work of scientists, there are a lot of good looking women in the building. So any good looking chick gets noticed. So she was going to school to be a nurse and for whatever personal reasons, she quit school. She works as a janitor also.

She works as a janitor there, the deliciously young black girl. So last week I'm bullshitting with Montez and I'm asking him where his partner is referring to Patricia. He asked me who I respond the young girl who was going to school to be a nurse and he goes and I don't know what possessed me, but I added in the conversation that girl, that girl shouldn't have quit school. It's stupid to just quit as it only takes a few years to rough that shit out and then you have a degree and nobody can take it from you.

This is when Montez got pissed off. He says to me, don't call my friend stupid. He says, I'm like, what? Shut the fuck up, man. She should. I'm like, what? Shut the fuck up, man. She should have finished school.

Don't you agree? Otherwise, she's stuck here being a janitor with no education and you said this to a janitor. That's a good move. But if she graduates, she can move anywhere and still have that piece of paper, blah, blah, blah. He spells peace, P-A-I-C-E. This guy's bitching about this other guy. He replies, not if she don't want to be a nurse.

What if she wants to be a janitor? I followed what that's fucked up. If it was your own daughter, wouldn't you want her to finish school? Now he's all sorts of pissed off. He makes comments about how you'll be happy on Wednesday, won't you, referring to the election. I think he was taking a shot at me and assuming I wanted Romney in office. I realized he had just pulled the race card and I can't believe it after insulting him

and what he does for a living. He goes, I asked him, I asked him, are you fucking serious? He gets all thugged and tries staring at me with his hate, acting all hard like he wants to fight me. We're both 40 plus years old. All the while, there are people near us who are starting, who hear us starting to argue. Fighting is not acceptable at work, not even arguing, especially about a race issue. It's not politically correct and all that bullshit.

If this were high school, we would have been fighting, but I'm 42 years old and have a mortgage and a career, et cetera. This dude is also about five foot 10, 180, and I'm a lot bigger than him. So what do I do? I apologize to him, dude, if I said something to piss you off, I didn't mean it and I apologize. He continues being a dick to where I tell him, I apologize once motherfucker and that shit is not going to happen again. And now I'm getting pissed off and people start to stare and I have to walk away.

But before I do, I tell him under my breath that he's a stupid motherfucker and go clean some shit. Jesus Christ, dude. Then he goes, what did I do wrong there? Other than the parting shot I gave him, I can't stop thinking about it. I mean, I like the guy and that's what pisses me off about it most. Am I fucking racist or is it him? I don't think I said anything out of line, but maybe I did before telling him to fuck

off that is. I'm going to see this motherfucker at work and I have a hard time with letting things go, but my job is more important. Just wanted your advice. Is it me? Dude, actually, I don't know if you're racist, but you're an idiot. You're an idiot. You go to a janitor and you basically, you belittled what he did for a living before

you even said, why don't you go clean some shit? All right. And you also didn't take into consideration that it could have been like financial reasons why she quit. You know, who knows? Who knows why she fucking quit? It doesn't make sense that someone would quit nursing to then go and be a janitor. So right there, you should have fucking left it alone.

That usually means some sort of fucking drama happened. Who the fuck knows what happened? Something happened. There could be a zillion fucking scenarios as to why she became, ended up being working there as a janitor. All right. And you're saying to a janitor who at this point is in his forties, he's still a fucking janitor.

He's taken pride in what the fuck he's doing. You know, people shit on janitors all the fucking time. He knows that anybody who goes around cleaning up shit. They know what people are going to be saying. You know, you're supposed to treat everybody with fucking respect and you didn't. So look, what you're saying is right, but you said it to the wrong guy. You know, if you had a daughter, you wouldn't want to quit nursing school then become a janitor.

You wouldn't, but you don't fucking say that to a janitor, you know, and you're also kind of a creep where you're sitting there saying she's a deliciously young black girl. I'm going to say that there's some more shit going on with you. And why were you asked asking why, where this delicious, first of all, you're fucking 42 fucking years old. You shouldn't be looking at some 21 year old girl like she's delicious. You fucking creep. Sorry, this took me a minute.

Dude, you're fucking creep and you're a moron and you're allegedly a scientist and you can't even spell. So I don't even, I don't know what you do over there. This is bad right now. Cause now I'm insulting you and you're not going to learn anything from this shit. Like dude. All right. Here's some rules.

You never make fun of what somebody does for a living. All right. And I'm not going to judge you because I did that one time. I got into a fight with somebody and he was a bartender and I was working in the club and the guy was in the middle of washing glasses and I was, we've gotten this fucking argument about sports, Red Sox Yankee shit. And I said, I'll go wash a fucking glass, not realizing that I, I didn't mean it like I was belittling what the fuck he did.

He was just washing glasses. So I said it and I, and he fucking like was ready to stab me and I actually, someone told me later, dude, you can't fucking say that shit. And I was like, I didn't mean it that way. Fuck him. But Bob Bob, once I got on my ego, I learned I was like, all right, I can't do that. And dude, you can't sit there at your level. You're at an economic level above this fucking guy, although the way you spelt, you know,

I don't know. You can't do that. Dude, you, you, I don't know if you're going to get it. But like to say that shit in the end, to call, say that he's dumb. And then say, go, go fucking clean something like, but I don't know. That's one of those things where it just escalated and then he got in your grill and he's fucking actually, he's going to kick the shit out of you and then you got mad. So then you said that shit and then he gets to think you see that you were thinking that

shit the whole fucking time, which you probably weren't right until then, you know. So what you basically did is you ruined the next 60 white people that black dude is going to run into because he's going to keep thinking about you. So this is the deal. That's some shit you can't apologize for. Like you guys are never going to be friends again, but you still should apologize. I don't know. And then what's he going to do?

Actually, he's going to kick the shit out of you. And then it's going to fuck. I think it might be a rap. Just might be a fucking rap. I don't know. I felt halfway through that. I was trashing him for being a fucking janitor. You know, what do we learn that people don't make fun of a janitor, don't make fun of somebody

being a janitor to a janitor because they're going to get mad. I don't know about you, dude. You're a creep. Look, I'm not going to sit there and act like it's a 44 year old guy. You know, I don't see a girl in her twenties and if she's fucking gorgeous, you know, but I always address that I'm 44 years old. I always address it like if I'm with somebody, but I'm with somebody like we make a joke about how fucking old we are or something like that.

But the older I get, the more I start thinking like, why would you dress like that? Don't you realize the fucking asshole you're going to be attracting to you? You know, there's something about that word deliciously. It's just absolutely fucking disgusting. And I feel, I think you're a creep at some level. You're that fucking guy that ruins it. You know, you're the one that takes it into that creepy fucking area. Then it's just such a creep that you make the person you're with feel like a fucking pervert.

You know, I don't know who the fuck knows. All right. That's the podcast for this week. I am in Connecticut. Oh, Billy. I wanted to hint, hint, hint. Wait a second. What the fuck is my website?

My website, by the way, bill burr.com, if you'd like to go to that. Oh, and if you want to, you know, help support the troops, amazon.com. All you do is go to the, my podcast page. You can click on the podcast page. You'll see a link to go to amazon.com. And if you buy something, they give me a, they give me, they kick me back a little bit of money and then I take that money and I take a little bit of that and I give it to the wounded warriors project.

All right. That's what I do. That's what I do here on the podcast. So anyways, shows. This is where I'm going to be. I'm going to be at Southern Connecticut University and that's open to both students and the public. So if you live in Connecticut and you'd like to go to Southern Connecticut University and watch me do my shit, I'd appreciate it.

And that's November 17th, which is what's today, the 12th. That's five days away, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. That's a Saturday. And then I'll be at the Brea Improv in Brea, California, November 30th, December 1st and 2nd. That is the deal. Um, yeah, that's it. That's the podcast.

Have a great week.