Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-18

Episode Date: November 12, 2018

Bill rambles about Hotel Donnie, Instagram, and Estonia.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. Monday November 12th 2000 and fucking 18. I still haven't fixed this stupid microphone. How are you? How's it going? How's it going in your world? I know everybody who hates the Patriots is happy today. Jesus Christ, what a bunch of babies, man. I've never seen a fucking team. Well, maybe not the stoop. I guess we used to fucking hate the Yankees like that. But it's just like every time we lose a fucking game, it's like, is this the end? Are the wheels coming? Oh, I mean, how many fucking times one of these times it's going to be the end? Sure. Brady's fucking 41 years old. All these fucking jerk offs talking shit. And by the way, Dion Lewis,

I was really disappointed with that. They asked him, was it personally? He said, is it personal? He said, hell yeah, it's personal. That's what happens when you go cheap. You get your ass kicked. It's like, dude, this isn't something new. This this was going on way before when you would like fucking eight years old. This is the way they ran the team. And you went and then you got yourself a ring or two. What's the problem? Jesus Christ. Yeah, this is what happens when you go cheap. You lose a game in November. These guys just acted like they just knocked this out of the fucking playoffs. However, I couldn't help but think when I did not watch one second of that game yesterday, sorry, I was flying back from Chicago. I watched some

highlights of it. And I hadn't seen my kiddo in like a week. So, you know, obviously I'm not going to come home and sit down and watch a fucking football game. I do have it on tape. I am going to fucking watch it or whatever, whatever you kids call it. I do. I have it on the cloud. Yeah, just sounding like, you know, they were the better team. They fucking came in. They were ready to go. We weren't and we got behind early and then we didn't win the game. You know, I don't know what it was, seven and three. I don't know what the fuck everybody's, you know, this guy just goes, it's just just a blip on the radar. We're playing seven and a ball. That's how high the fucking standard is. So anyways,

and evidently, I think the Titans just won a fucking championship according to D on Lewis. You know, I don't get it. I love that guy, but like I was, you know, you know what I mean? I like, I don't understand why people say shit like that in November. If you learned anything in New England, you know that November you didn't win anything. You won a game. That's it. Congratulations. I got to tell you though, I couldn't help but think about that lunatic that I saw in that sports bar in New York city a few weeks ago when the Patriots were playing the Chiefs and how that guy was just yelling, going fucking, you know, this is it. This is how it is now. You guys are over looking around the bar. It's over, right? I can't imagine

how psyched he was yesterday when the Patriots lost and the Chiefs won because now I believe the Chiefs have a two game lead despite head to head. You know, we won the game, but like that's a really good look for them. If we got to try to beat them again in Kansas City, will the Chiefs finally push their way through? I got to be honest, if the Chiefs do get through, if they do get past us, if we can actually make it there, if I can fucking hear myself in this fucking piece of shit microphone, if they do beat us or whatever that, that will be the team that I root for in the Super Bowl because Jesus Christ, they haven't won it since like fucking Bart Starr was in the league. I think he might have just retired. By the way, the last great number 15 at quarterback,

Bart Starr, no offense to Neil Lomax. Anyways, what else? I am done for the year, people with road dates. Other than this little trip I have to take to New York to promote F is for Family season three, which comes out November 30th on Netflix. I'm in town and I ain't doing fucking shit except hanging out with my daughter. You know what? A relative of ours got her out, one of those electric fucking cars that they can sit in. I came home and I put that thing together. It was fucking hilarious. She got on the thing. She didn't get it and took her a couple times just pushing the button. She actually took her finger off the button, laughed and clapped her hands like this is the shit. One of my big days as a dad coming up, I don't know,

maybe depending on how tall she is, sometime when she's around 11 or 12, I'm going to teach you how to drive my truck, which shifts three on the column, which no fucking kid knows how to drive a stick anymore. Forget about one on the column, so I think it would be pretty badass if I teach you how to do that. That's something when I was a kid, my dad used to do that. He used to take us down to the South Shore Plaza when I was like 12 years old, 11 and 12, and I'd go down there in a 1978 Chevy Chevette, four-speed transmission, and that was back when the mall was closed on Sunday because everybody allegedly was going to church and on the seventh day, God rested and blah, blah, blah, blah, all that shit, so you couldn't sell any liquor,

you couldn't sell any booze, you couldn't be open, like grocery stores would be open, but that was basically it, and they had like Sunday hours, so we used to go down there in the empty parking lot, and he taught all his kids how to drive down there. We learned on a stick shift, and I remember when I went to go get my driver's license, I took it on a stick, I think it was that car. No, we would have got rid of it by that, no, no, no, that's right, we still had it, we still had it, 1984 would only be six years old, even though a fucking tree fell on it, we got it fixed, yeah, I went down, I took it, and I remember the guy made me park on a hill, you know, doing that shit, and I was like, ah, fuck, all right,

here we go, just don't stall out here, and then you're going to be fine, you're going to be fine, it's one of the few tests that I passed during those years, everything else, everything else that I guess really fucking mattered, that would have led to a nicer car, I failed, but then I started doing comedy, and oh boy, everything happened for me, I got to play at the Chicago Theater, everybody, for four incredible shows, I want to thank everybody that came out, we had such a great time when we were there, we didn't make it to the Liars Club, as you can tell, I've been fighting off a cold, and it's just the last time I went to the Liars Club, I mean, I was there until like four in the fucking morning, and didn't wake up till five in the afternoon,

and then did a show at the Chicago Theater, I felt like it was breakfast time, I literally just had eggs and walked on stage, and these poor people had been working all fucking day, and I came out there like this fucking bum, still in a good show though, because I'm a pro, I'm fucking with you, anyways, we ate at this place, a new place we went to in Chicago, this place Gibson's, we got a steak, cream spinach was fucking unbelievable, and then in the end, I got to get the name of this fucking thing that these guys said, they go do you want dessert, and you know when you go out and get a steak, you know, if you get like the filet mignon, that's the smart way to go, but there's no flavor in it, it's really bland, they always got to have all these

dipping sauces with it, so I got some bone in ribeye, I ate that thing like fucking fried Flintstones, so now I'm sitting there, even though we didn't get potatoes or anything, I'm still, I'm fucking leaning, I ate the whole thing, I should have cut it in half, I didn't, I'm fucking leaning, and then these guys come over and they were like, hey, you want dessert, and we're like, no, no, no, we're good, we're good, and they were like, no, no, some of the wages went to the show last night, they want to bring you over, they want to bring you over a fucking dessert, right, trying to find this Gibson's menu Chicago, hang on a second, I got to upload a fucking picture of this thing, they brought this goddamn piece of cake, this fucking piece of cake

over, I swear to God, it was like, it was like a whole cake, something like banana dream boat, when I saw the menu, I was saying to my, somebody, I forget what I said, I go, I'll give you 20 bucks if you just fucking order this, just because I want to hear you say it out loud, Gibson's menu, all right, what is it called here, hang on, hang on, all right, here's the menu, what do we got here, the meaning of life cake, that wasn't it, pumpkin pie, banana cream pie, ah, you don't fucking have it, it was something like banana dream boat, I don't even know what it was, but it was also, it was Verzi's birthday, and we took him out to breakfast, right, and we ended up getting them, they know, we go, it's his birthday, so it was

breakfast, and they brought over like some fucking, one of those chocolate whipped cream, fucking waffles or whatever, and we sang happy birthday to him as loud as humanly possible in the thing, just getting right in his face, and I was actually joking with Verzi, I was going, you know what, that's why guys are funny, because if we were women, that actually would have been sincere, he was just sitting there fucking embarrassed to shit, it was such a great time, so anyways, I'll be honest with you, I really don't have a lot to fucking talk about, I've been just fighting off this goddamn cold, oh I know what I can talk about, so when I was in, when I was in Chicago, you know, I told my travel agent, I go, book me,

book me in a nice hotel close to the fucking, the venue, now I'm a fancy man at this point, so I don't even handle any of that shit, I finally learned how to delegate stuff, because I was doing my whole career, I was like fucking Chuck Berry, the way he'd drive up to the venue in his own car with his fucking guitar in the backseat, that's what I was doing, you know, which adds a ton of fucking responsibility and shit, because then you got to tell your openers where the hotel is, you got to go in, you got to check out, I never had a fucking tour manager, never did that shit, because you know, I'm an anti-social son of a bitch, and all I'm thinking is this is just going to be another fucking guy I have to talk to, and blah blah blah blah, and I'm just going to

be that down-to-earth fucking guy who just fucking blah blah blah, you know, just comes walking in, well that's what I did, and guess what, now I'm getting text messages from people who work at fucking Avis, who I rented a car, you know, fucking eight years ago, you remember me, you rented a Ford Focus, you fucking idiot, stupid, stupid fucking move, that's what being down-to-earth gets you, gets a bunch of people fucking calling you up, you know, that you had a two-second interaction with, all right, so if you learn anything on this podcast, all right, as you move up the ladder, it's very important to forget where you came from, all right, and what you want to do is treat people who you feel your ego tells you are not at your level, you want to treat them less

than, okay, no, but there is a certain level, you know, well you have to kind of dial it back, like I went out and I did a fucking meet and greet, you know, one time when I was in Reno, this guy goes, take a picture with my wife, and I go, fine, and he reaches in his jacket to fucking take out a camera and a nine millimeter fell on the fucking ground, and I pointed at the gun and went, oh, shit, and watched him pick it back up again, like a fucking, I should have kicked it, I should have done some sort of Steven Seagal move, but you know, that's, I mean, I didn't grow up around guns, I was just like, oh, I think you dropped something, sir, fortunately it was an off-duty cop, although he ran out of there because it was a Native American reservation, we were on

their land and you're not allowed to bring a weapon in there, probably especially as a white man, considering what happened the first time around, they probably don't want fucking white people coming in with guns anymore, right? So there was that, there was another time I had a group of people followed me home from the venue and I got out of the car and there was the, hey, Bill, as I got out and I was just like, oh fuck, what's gonna happen, you know, that little mini heart attack, are you gonna kill me? Oh, you just want a picture, right? So anyways, I'm one of those people, I know what airline I'm flying as I drive to the airport, I do that shit, right? So we're on our way to Chicago, like the night before, so I asked my travel agent,

you know, where we're staying, he said the Trump Hotel, I was like, oh shit, all right, Trump Hotel, Don A, okay, so we fucking stay there, man, and I didn't understand, I know that people don't like Donald Trump, but I don't, I didn't understand that they also don't like his buildings, because the fucking jerk off has put his name on every building, so now when people hate him, they, you know, his name is there, so they stand in front and they do all of this fucking shit, right? Like, you know, fuck you, donny, right, or any other side of the thing. So anyway, so we go in there, of course, it's fucking incredible, it's fucking beautiful, the service was amazing, the food was incredible, everything in there was great, like this is what he's good at,

this is what he should have stayed doing, this is his wheelhouse, you know what I mean, this is like Elvis, keep singing the songs, dude, don't make the fucking movies. So anyways, we're staying there all weekend, we had a great fucking time, you know, quick walk down to the, the venue, right, so I say to Nia, I go Nia, you know, I go, you know, I believe I'm staying, I'm staying in a Trump Hotel, she goes, no, you're not, I'm like, yeah, I am, I didn't fucking, you know, I didn't book it, you know, I just, I show, I worry about the shows now, this is great, I don't have to fucking think about anything. So she's breaking my balls, right? Going like, is it the greatest hotel ever, you know, doing that shit, I go, you know, it's kind of fucking

nice, I'm not gonna lie to you. So I actually took a video of the of the room and all that and the view I had and everything and she wrote back to me, she goes, I got to admit that bastard makes a nice hotel. So anyways, I ran into somebody that I knew at the, at the airport, he's like, oh, you know, wherever you're working, we're talking blah, blah, blah, blah, he's, you know, somehow where I stayed came up and I mentioned it to him. So he starts breaking my balls. He's like going, you know, that guy's not a good person. It's like, yeah, I agree with that. And he goes, you should spend your money elsewhere. I'm like, well, look, he's still fucking president. So like, me not staying there, is that somehow not going to make him president? He's like, no, he's like, oh, you know,

a horrible fucking person and yada, yada, yada. And I go, so where should I stay then? The Hilton's, the Sheridan's like, they're all good people. Aren't they all billionaires? Like, who the fuck do you think they voted for? Like, you know, I don't know, kind of bug me a little bit with everybody having to give everybody a fucking lecture. It's like, you're really going to sit here as you hold a fucking Apple laptop computer. Have you ever read about them? Aren't they the ones that had people leaping to their deaths at their fucking sweatshop? Because they, they, they had to work so much and didn't made so little. Their lives was so hopeful, hopeless. They were jumping out of the factory. So they had to fucking put nets up around the fucking thing, you know, and then they

played soothing music and then they considered possibly giving them more money, which was really the solution. So I mean, all the clothes I'm wearing, what I really want to see the people's lives, we have to fucking put it together. I mean, where are you going to stop this? You know, you're going to give me a lecture as we're getting on a fucking plane that uses fuel. Where do we get the fuel? We get it from the Middle East. What the fuck's going on over there? How many innocent people have died over the bullshit that we're putting in this fucking plane? Okay. Well, we're trying to liberate them. You know, so I don't know. It's just, it's a, it's a, I understand, you know, I don't know. I don't like Donald Trump. Okay. Mostly just his racial views

is what really, you know, that's, that's what I really don't like that guy. Okay. I didn't fucking vote for the guy. All right. Let me tell you this. The guy makes a hell of a fucking hotel. I wish that's what he was still doing. Exclusively. And I'm sure you guys are going to give me shit and somehow, you know, take out your frustration on him, on me, the fact that I fucking, you know, stayed there, but I'm telling you, you know, if you're going to play that fucking game, you got to, you got to do it straight across the board. Where are you going to pick and choose? Because, you know, that's another, that's like another, like, I feel like it's, it's, it's almost the way,

like when you go to, when somebody goes to a comedy show and they laugh at all the fucking jokes until I drive across their front yard, then all of a sudden I didn't do a joke. Now I'm making statements and their feelings are fucking hurt. It's like, if you really care to that level going, this guy's a bad fucking person, then I would say that you would really be limiting that you should be staying at some sort of mom and pop fucking hotel. If you can find it, as you then go down and try to find some organic fucking guy that's not a corporate farmer, you know, because they've poisoned the food. I mean, you start going down that road, or maybe I guess you just pick your battle. I have no idea, but I will tell you this, that hotel was so fucking

nice. I actually weighed my wife getting mad at me. I just call, I said, Nia, are you going to get mad if I stay at another one of these? And she laughed. She goes, yes, you fucking asshole. So I said, all right, fair enough. So whatever, I'm one and done. One and done, like the Titans beating the Patriots. Congratulations on your huge victory in November. You know, they should have a trophy for fucking teams like that. And I can't, I'm not picking them. Why am I picking on Titans? I just didn't like what Dion Lewis said. You know, you didn't talk any shit before the fucking game, and then you fucking win, and now you're going to run your fucking yap. The fuck out of here. You hate this organization. You just, you know what it is? You know what it is? He's that fucking,

you know, he's fucking mad that he wants to please all I hear is I still want to play for the Patriots. When you sit at the Patriots, yeah, they got a witty way here. They got the whatever they're doing is working, but blah, blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden when you get caught up in the wash of that, all of a sudden the Patriots are fucking assholes. Patriots stay at a Trump Hotel. Some of them do anyways. Anyways, is there a Clinton hotel I could stay at? Maybe get back in your people's good graces? Jesus Christ. They got the Me Too room in that one. Oh, Bill, come on. You know, I just feel like you're better than that. Hey, let's bring people back together here. Where, what the fuck is this story? I was Google news. Hey, how about those Broads,

man? They're starting to play. All right. Oh, they're starting to fucking put it together. I watched them play the Toronto game when I was there in Chicago and I had a flashback. I played the Chicago theater with Jimmy nor a Jim Brewer and David tell on the anti social tour. I can't believe that was seven fucking years ago. And I remember I was in the green room at the end of the show and I was late to the meet and greet because I was watching the fucking Bruins with the Stanley Cup. Former Clinton advisor, Hillary will run in 2020. If she ever becomes president, that's going to be a great 30 for 30. Of course, she's going to run again. She feels it's she thinks it's her job.

Please, Democrats, don't fuck it. Oh my God, how many fucking times, how many times, how many times are you going to play Marty ball? Can you get somebody in there? All right. There's got to be somebody else. You can't tell me the Democrats are going to be dumb enough to hitch their fucking wagon again. How many times, how many times do you put that person under center and you come away with a loss before you don't go to your second string quarterback? That's all I'm asking. This has got to be the most politically charged podcast I've ever done. Where do I get off not paying attention, forgetting to submit an absentee ballot, telling people who should run for president? Where the fuck was that story I was looking for?

Oh, wow. The guy was in the voice of the computer in 2001 die. Do you think I bet there was a woman out there was such a big fan of that that fucking wanted him to talk like that during sex? Sorry. What the fuck is this story I was looking for some fucking guy in Texas broke into a house and bled out because he cut his arm on the window. All I can think is how nice was the stuff in the house getting dizzy? Oh, look at that vase. Anyways, is it time for the, oh geez, it's time for the advertising there. Oh, what a hotel that was. Jesus Christ. What a fucking hotel. The steam room was incredible. A lot of these hotels you go to, right? Other than the Fista in Milwaukee, you go into the steam room and they always have

it on like we don't want to hurt anybody level. You know, Trump doesn't give a shit. He'll put kids in cages. The guy does not give a fuck. You think the steam's not going to be hot? Um, fucking Eucalyptus was like fucking Verzi was like, ah, it's burning my eyes, right? There was so much Eucalyptus in there. I don't know. I felt like, you know, when you chew like, really like winter fresh gum or like, like minty fucking gum, that's what my eyeballs felt like. Um It was tremendous. Where the fuck am I going? I'm trying to find the advertising. All right. Oh,

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sweethearts of this fucking business. You know, something I, you know, these fucking fires out here, right? A couple of, you know, good friends of mine had to flee that shit. So fortunately, for last I heard their houses are all right, but good Lord, but those winds whipping around like those fucking literally fire tornadoes. I mean, that's just like, it's just insane. But you know, we choose to live out here. Who is the fucking asshole that decided to put the entertainment business out here? Ah, you know what? You're even, you can't even bitch about the fires out here. That's how nice the weather is. It's just one of those things. God's never going to let you chill. Okay. Uh, you liking this? You liking this? Here's

here's a fucking fire tornado. Just to keep you honest, just to remind you not to be a cunt. Um, anyways, I am so fucking psyched to be home. I am not doing shit. I'm really going to, for the first time in my life, try and rest up, get some sleep. I love the holiday season. Do be, do be, do it. Scoot a leap up. Look who's here. It's your fucking pop. Who's been on the road? You remember me? I look like a stranger. I've been gone so fucking long. Why do you cry when you see me? Cause I'm absentee. Oh yeah. See, I don't, I don't want to be that guy. Um, I'm completely changing the way I work and all of that type of shit. So, uh, thank God for FaceTime, but I came home and my daughter was just waking up for a nap and I poked my head in

and she gave me a big smile and, you know, changed her and all that type of stuff. And she was laying on the changing table and she reached up and she gave me like, I swear to God, like 12 hugs in a row was playing with my beard and just looking at me. I could see it arise. She legitimately missed me and it's just like, there's no, there's no fucking way that, uh, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to start working smart. Um, cause I get, I get it. I think I really get it now. I do. I'm not arguing with my wife. She gives me the honey do list. I just fucking do it. Cause I'll tell you that's still the only way you're going to be happy in your, your marriage. Truly happy is if you just do every

fucking thing they want you to do. I'll tell you, you do that that women are so easy to get along with. All right. So my next, you know, I got like a quick little, like a three, four day run. I'm doing a benefit back east and then I'm promoting season three of F is for family. I'm going to be doing Seth, a old friend of mine from back in the day. I actually, got to know him way back when I was on Breaking Bad and we were both huge fans of the show and we would fucking geek out, sending each other emails, trying to figure out where the show was going to go next. And it was such a great show. I was actually on it for a couple episodes and I, I couldn't even figure out where it was going to go. Um, whatever. So I'll be very excited to, uh,

to get on that show. Uh, if you listen to this podcast, I imagine he'll give me shit for staying at the Trump Chicago. Um, I would have stayed at the Obama, but he, you know, he doesn't fucking have it, you know, does he get a fucking ice cream stand so I could be, uh, you know, it's not partisan. What would that be? If I actually stayed at a Trump hotel and ate at Obama's ice cream stand, then when I truly be independent or I'd be called a centrist and who made that ice cream, how many cows had to die to make that ice cream? Well, Bill, they don't die. They milk them. Oh, well, you know what? I guess I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyways, uh, when in talent, talent, uh, Bill, when in talent, Estonia, try the pancakes in compressor. Just do it.

All right. Well, you're like Nike. There's another, you know, everybody likes their Jordans, right? Uh, dude, when you get into Jordan two, you're doing fucking trees, go to their fucking factory. Jesus Christ. I mean, I don't understand how they get, they just fucking get away with all of that shit. That you can just treat people like that. And why don't you fucking, you know, fly commercial? You can bump up the price of the sneakers a little bit, but back then day, when I was a kid, like shit was made here and it wasn't ridiculously expensive because they was going, Hey, you want us to make shit over here? Okay. It's going to be $9 million for some shoe strings. It's like that's cause you don't want to take any money out of your pocket. You can't.

Sorry. Um, all right. There should be a global union, which you'll never be able to do. You'll never be able to get that done. Uh, talent, Estonia. Here we go. A global union of just regular people against these fucking rich cunts. That should be the new world order. All right. Yeah. But then, you know, yeah, you know, the thing is you can't have one side either side having too much power because back in the day when unions were really powerful here, let me look, they didn't take advantage of that. They, they weren't guilty of kind of driving some of these factories. Like I can't deal with these fucking cunts. You know, I've dealt with union fucking houses. I tried to shoot specials in, in, in these places. They,

they gouge the shit out of you. You show up and they're like mandatory. There's got to be 20 fucking, fucking people to put a mic stand and a stool on a stage because that's how many people we need when, uh, uh, Dave Matthews shows up, you know, when they bring a car to Beaufort's fucking 900 piece drum set and I'm showing up, you know, microphone, mic stand and a stool. And I got to have fucking four, four guys got to be up there. You got to pay for fucking guys and everything goes through the goddamn roof. So maybe corporations aren't bad. Maybe they're just human beings with too much freedom. I think that's what it is. When you get too much freedom, you act like a cunt, white people. All right. Talent, Wikipedia, uh, guilty is charged. All

right. Travel guide. Well, let's check out the weather here. Oh, fucking cold. Talent, Estonia weather. Oh my God. Look at these pictures. This is 40 degrees raining. That's not bad. All right. Images. Oh my God. I am not showing any of these pictures to my wife. Well, I know this has to be the picture as downtown area, but still what a downtown it is. Oh my God. There's so much I love my wife. When I go to places like this, I actually feel guilt. Oh my God, it's fucking beautiful. I bet they'll have great fucking stories too.

Estonia, World War Two. This is all you do. Where were you guys? What side of the fence? World War Two. Who, who did they side with? You understand those countries, the decision they had to make, do I go with Stalin or did I go with fucking Hitler? Two of the biggest fucking mass-murdering lunatics of all time. You know, sometimes you just not left with a good fucking choice. Like, uh, last election. Sometimes it's two AM at a bar. You just got to pick some, what, although I don't know if, you know, you still have to go Stalin. You know what I mean? Just, I mean, Hitler was,

Hitler was, he's, Hitler is that dude. He's the fucking Freddie Mercury of mass murderers. You know, he had like a 12 octave evil range. You know, in a lot of ways, Stalin, he kind of looks like Tom Selleck a little bit, right? Yeah. Look, it's just a little B. I'd fucking anyways, before the outbreak of the Second World War, Germany and the Soviet Union signed the German Soviet non-aggression pact. Yeah. And some little douche fucking with the dustpan sweeper of a mustache. He broke that didn't he? Concerning the partition, that's got to be one of the most fucked up things ever that he actually thought he was going to beat Russia. That little ass fucking country was going to go in there. I

mean, you know, they were coming over there with their fucking Mercedes Benz and Porsche fucking machine guns and planes and tanks. I mean, you can see why the Republic of Estonia declared neutrality in the war, but fell under the Soviet sphere of influence due to, oh my god, the Molotov Rebentrop pact. You know, it's funny if you watch a jeopardy, somebody will, what is the Molotov Rebentrop pact? You only get 50 points for knowing that. So they ended up being occupied by the Soviet Union in 1940. Mass political arrests. So they still got fucked. Deportations and executions followed. Oh, Jesus. And people in Estonia went, but what about the Molotov Rebentrop pact? I have a little flyer here. You want to look at it?

Jesus Christ. Whatever you read this shit, you just realize how fucking lucky you are to be living wherever the hell you live in. If there's not shit like this going on. I love the guy from Estonia. He's gonna be, hey, listen, man, I just told you to get some fucking pancakes. I didn't tell you to go that deep. Well, let's look it up here. Compressor Estonia. Let's dial it back here. Compressor. Pancakes. Is that a Mercedes Benz? Is this like German pancakes? Oh shit. Okay, I'm in. Oh, it looks life and fluffy. It's got a pound of butter on it. I don't know how that is in the metric system. It's like a caramelized fucking piece of banana. All right,

I'm there. Jesus Christ. I better start. The only thing that sucks about this tour is I'm only, I'm just doing one nighter the whole way. Like I'm going to miss so much shit. I'm just going to kind of drive by it. But you know, I got a kid now. So, okay, Poland. All right, so I'm getting pancakes at Compressor and Estonia. Poland. Hey bald-headed fuck. This is from around the world. You know, when you're follically challenged like myself, you really don't feel like you're just a man without a country. Me and my buddy are huge fans living in Poland. I can't fucking wait to go there. Because I met this woman a long time ago when I was on the road.

And I think I was an eighth row. We started talking as our flight was delayed and she said she was from Poland. I said, I did stand up. She goes, yeah, they got clubs over there. And I was like, she told me how you wanted to actually along. Oh, my geography is bad now. She was telling me that they have all this Poland, Poland, Poland. What body of water is that right? Is it the Baltic Sea? The Baltic Sea, Poland. See geography about Baltic Sea. Look at old Billy fucking Globehead. The Baltic Sea. Yes, there was some towns along there. She was like, oh, that's where you want

to play, but I'm not. I'm gonna, I think I'm being Warsaw. You know, right there, friend, right in the middle of the country, I believe. Anyways, me and a buddy are huge fans of Poland. And we hear you are coming to a city in this shithole country. Oh, I don't fucking tell me that. It'd be nice if we knew when the dates were so we could, so we know if we could make it. One of the chances you could tell us all the best and go fuck yourself. And then be it's all being announced in a week. It was all supposed to be announced at the same time, but Germany was all like, we need to announce it now. Right. And my agent was like, why do you feel you need to announce it now? Trying to do a Jackie Mason, right? German talking to the Jew.

So he ended up backing down. He's like, all right, you fucking lunatics. Announce it when you want to. And they did it. It went great. So the tickets got sold over there. Anyways, best friends. It'll be all be announced in a week. All right. All right. Best friends with best friends, wife from a lady. Oh, hello, Billy Baldwin. I get it. I get it. Once again, making me feel bad about my moon-shaped head. Recently, I've been posting pictures and videos on my Instagram that are dot, dot, dot, not slutty. All right. So right there, there are of a risque. Okay. Hang on a second. I gotta, I gotta clear my nose here. Hang on a second. All right. This is just one of these things where if I lay down, my nose just fucking just

blocks up. But if I'm a second, I stand up, it's fine. I don't understand it. Anyways. All right. So you're posting these pictures that are not slutty, but I wouldn't show my parents either. Well, all right. Okay. There is, there's a window in there. There's a window in there because they're going to be like, you get your dresses too short. Come on, honey. What are you doing? You're killing your father, right? I'm 26 years old and I've been feeling very confident about myself and my body. Good for you. I'm saying, I wish I felt the same way about my head. How can I, when everybody makes fun of it? I like my head and I don't care what, I believe Christina Aguilera said it best when she said, I am beautiful no matter what they say,

right? And I believe her pussy was as bald as the top of my head, judging by some of her outfits. You know what I mean? I mean, the skirts were so slow, the hair would be hanging out underneath, right? Oh, Bill, why, why, why do you have to be so crass? Because I'm not funny. You know, when you're not funny, you go right to the genitals. I mean, it's one of the oldest, oldest is one of the oldest things in comedy. I'm 26 years old. I've been feeling good about my body, but I'm single with no boyfriend or even dating. Yeah. Have a good time. Go buy a fucking suitcase full of condoms and jump on it. I'm sorry. Anyways, my friend. Okay. Anyways, my friend, since I was 16, has told me that his wife has been uncomfortable with us talking because she's

seen my pictures. Well, yeah, you sound like you're in the prime of your life. You're obviously crushing it. She told him she feels insecure and sees my pictures even before he does. He's expressed that he may not be my friend anymore because of this. Well, he's doing the right thing. You know, happy wife, happy life. She ain't happy. Nobody's going to be happy. Why doesn't he just unfollow you? Can you just do that? And you guys could be friends in a different way? I don't know. It's weird. That's all weird. I get where his wife's coming from. Uh, she's, you know, my wife was sent somebody, you know, and he's, he's fucking posted banana hammock pictures. I don't feel like I'm going to be too comfortable with that. Right? Swing low,

sweet chair. Sorry. She told me she feels insecure and sees my pictures even before he does. He is expressed that he may not be friends anymore because of this. Sorry. I had to reread that again, but I know a lot of you guys watch reality shows and they always come back and show you what you just saw. And this is not the first time I've been blocked by male friends because now this is what we need near because their female counterparts are social media stalking me and claiming I'm trying to get their man. Uh, I've been told to tone down my posts are not right. How I feel because the girls take it personally and take it out on my friends. Now on some level, you know, you got to know what you're doing. All right. Here's the, this is the deal. Okay.

Because men are weak. Women are fucking gorgeous. There are certain rules that you do have to follow. All right. And for you to be as beautiful as you are and feeling as confident as you are about your body and posting those pictures, nothing wrong with that. But when you start being friends with all these guys that are in relationships, like you're single, go be friends with guys that aren't in relationships. It's a, it's a tough thing. It's a tough thing. It's not your fault. You're pretty and you feel like fucking showing it off a little bit, not too slutty, not too fucking dad will appreciate this. Anyways, I've been told to tone it down on or not to rate. I feel above are these my real friends or do girls have legit reasons to be upset? Yours truly a huge fan

and love to Nia and the baby. Um, fuck, I might have to do an epilogue on this and get Nia. You know what? I'm going to have, I'm going to answer this and on Thursday, Nia will give her answer. Look at that teasing the next episode like a pro. Um, listen, if you're, if you're not passively aggressively, you know, being a dick tease, just cause you like that attention and you're just legitimately just, you know, like how you look and saying how you feel then, then I don't think you're wrong, but I don't think they're wrong either. You know what I mean? I don't know how it works with women, but when a woman is more attractive

or makes another woman feel less attractive and is talking to the guy, yeah, that's going to be, guys get like that, right? Some guy comes up, you know, he's all fucking jacked. He's got pigment. He's got hair. I mean, how am I going to feel? You know, you don't think I'm going to truck and puff up my little freckled fucking chest, you know, trying to recite some line from a fucking Sylvester Stallone movie, huh? Hey, are you like them apples or whatever the fuck it is? Just combined movies. Um, yeah, like this is what I would do. I would just say I would respect the women in these relationships. And what you need to do is, uh, you need to find some guys that are single to follow you. All right. Knowing what comes with that, like, oh my God, you look so hot. Like,

that's what you're going to be getting. Uh, you know, but I wouldn't worry about it. I mean, these are great problems to have. I mean, you can be fucking ugly living under a bridge crying every Friday and Saturday night because no one wants to go near you. So, you know, it's nice to have a lot of suitors. Um, I, if I was you, I would just, I would, I would expand, uh, my friend circle. All right. And also, you know what, didn't you say that you weren't posting like that? And then recently I've been posting pictures of videos. Yeah. Okay. Yes. So everything was cool until you started doing that. So that's what changed. See, sometimes when you change as a person, you, you lose a few friends. So that's, that's what I would say.

You're not historically been doing this, you know, I don't know what you had like your fucking I sell real estate headshot on there. The family values one. And now you're out there like, Oh, what the fuck? I'm only going to be young ones. I'm going to go out and have a good time. That all of a sudden these people locked out of relationships. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to have a problem. You're going to have a problem. So I don't necessarily think you're doing anything wrong. I just think that, uh, if that's the way you're going to be, you can't be around guys that are in relationships and in fairness to them, you're going to be causing them to get into a lot of goddamn arguments. All right. And I guarantee you, at least one of them is thinking about one of your

pictures when he bends his fucking girl over. I'm just telling you, okay, as a guy, that's what's happening. And the woman knows it, especially when they mutter your name. Mumble it. What did you say? I said, uh, we should be sharing more stuff. What is sharing my life with you? Uh, husband having emotional affair while we are living in Tokyo. Uh, hey, Billy boat act. How do you know boat act? And Nia, that's a fucking inside joke there. You fucking boat act. That's an insult to a comedian. Uh, things have been difficult with my husband and I since we moved to Tokyo from the U S went through his phone to find him messaging his new teammate all day. Not just about work stuff either. I don't know if it would be flirting,

but it made me uncomfortable. There are things he's messaging her before he even tells me yet. None of that is cool. I confronted him, but he swears to me he would never do something like that to me. What should I do next? It's hard to not want to go through his phone or wonder what they're up to at work. Thank you so much and go fuck yourself. I would just tell him that because of his fucking behavior, you now have urges to go through his phone. All right. Would you be comfortable if I was texting a guy that I worked with that much? If I was telling him personal stuff about myself before I told you, it's not fucking cool. That's not cool on any fucking level and you're a hundred percent right. Um, what you do about it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the

move is there. I don't know. You gotta, yeah, you gotta fucking Jesus Christ. Ah, relationships, aren't they fun? All this technology, all the new fucking ways. This is all there's so many fucking people out there, men and women who be not doing the shit that they would be doing, posting fucking sexy pictures of yourself that the whole fucking world can see. Do you realize how fucking nuts that is that you can do that now? And then there's somebody can actually in their house, look at these sexy photos of you in a room, jerking their dick to it. And then their wife walks in, what are you doing? Oh, it's just putting on lotion. Yeah. I think the way human beings are interacting right now, we were never meant to

interact this way. Uh, it is like the level of voyeurism that is just fucking mainstream. It's not healthy. All right. And I'm not, I'm not wagging my finger at anybody here. I mean, I stayed at a Trump hotel. Who am I to tell anybody anything? Um, anyways, Tom Cruise is at it again. All right. Yo, Bill, read this on Twitter, read this on Twitter, wanted to hear your reaction. You think Tommy boy can pull it off? It's Tom Cruise, whatever you're going to say. Yes, he can, he can fucking pull it off. I know you're not a fighter pilot, but I figure you're in the aviation world and understand this stuff. Okay. That's a major, I have a private pilots license and I have under 200 hours. Uh, but I'll tell you I'm a hell of a pilot if you want

a time I have. Okay. That bought that boy, Tommy Cruz is at it again. The actor who insists on doing his own stunts might be taking things even further on for top gun to AKA top gun maverick. This is, uh, this is a rumor for now because it comes from an anonymous source over at the Daily Mail. In other words, it never happened, but I'll continue reading, but Cruz apparently wants to re really fly a fighter jet in the movie, not just pretend. If this is true, we'll know about it soon because Cruz is never shy about publicly about publicity regarding his crazy ass stunts. I certainly wouldn't be surprised if this turned out to be the real deal, though. Um, no, it's not publicity. He's selling the movie. And if he fucking flew a helicopter,

nose down into a goddamn ravine, yeah, they're going to talk about it. Um, yeah, that's not true. There's no way that's fucking true. Okay. I actually did a little research on this question and F 35 costs just south of a hundred million dollars. You're not going to stick a fucking actor in there. Uh, now they might, if he could fly two people in it, which I don't know, they might put them up there with the fucking instructor. Okay. And let him fly the fucking thing around and, uh, they could do it that way and then just digitally remove that guy from the fucking the, uh, the, the, the shot or whatever. I don't know. It's Tom Cruz. If anybody's going to do it, I would imagine it would be him, but there's no fucking way they're going to let him

fly one solo. I mean, that's probably the entire budget of the fucking movie. If he crashes that thing, he's going to parachute out. I don't know. Uh, yeah, I would, I would say, yeah, there's no way he's going to fly it alone, but I think there's a good chance that he could, you know, fly it around. If, uh, if there's somebody else up there with them, which would, I would think just be just taking the stick, you know, right? I can't imagine how small the movements are in that thing before you're inverted, you know, terrified. It would be like, okay, Bill, you have controls. I have controls. You have controls, right? And then you fucking, I would move that thing, a fucking cunt hair just to see, worried that I would be like totally,

do you understand? Like also, like if you look at the training of that, but God knows he's going to do it. Like when you've just, I don't even know at what speed, anytime you do those maneuvers, like they have to like tighten up their entire fucking insides or their whole body to keep the blood from going down to their feet and then passing out while they're flying. They have a suit that like compresses it and like, I mean, I don't know anything about it, but like what they're doing is, is just completely at like, you know, you just look at F one racing, the amount of G's when they're coming down the straightaway, when just them hitting the brakes and then making that

turn, like their neck muscles are literally off the fucking chains from just being able to hold it upright. And I know they had that device in us so they can kind of lean against it. But back in the day, like back in the day, those old school stock car drivers like Dale Earnhardt, if you ever went to fucking try to choke that guy to death, he could just sit there staring at you when he drank a beer as you squeezed with all your might be like trying to choke out a fucking Louisville slugger. And those guys are just going to, you know, 200 miles an hour. I can't imagine, you know, is every Mach a speed of sound? Is that what it is? Mach one is the speed of sound? Is that it? Or is it a thousand miles an hour? I can't even fuck a remember. But those planes

can basically do shit that the human body can't even fucking handle at this point. If it wasn't Tom Cruise, if it wasn't Tom Cruise, I would be confident to say that they won't let him do it. But it is Tom Cruise. It is part of his brand. And that's how it works out here. Your brand. I'm going to say he's going to go up with an instructor and they're going to be flying slow. And he's going to do some shit. That's what I'm going to, that's what I'm going to guess. He's going to learn how to invert it and stuff like that. And this guy's going to be, he's going to be on with him. In other words, he's also on the fucking controls. And I don't know. I mean, Jesus Christ, you're talking about a guy that hung on to the side of a fucking plane while it took

off, flew the pattern and came back around and landed. I mean, I wouldn't put anything past that guy. You know, and I got all the respect in the world for him. Because all I do is memorize my lines and be like, I stop on that piece of tape and then I say it. Okay. That's the level of work that I put into it. I'm kidding. I actually think I'm a decent actor. All right. Then you can see it, you know, right now in New York and LA with the limited release of the front rudder starring Hugh Jackman, who may or may not be a guest on this podcast later on this week, we shall see. We shall see the old Billy A list. Huh? That'd be the biggest fucking guest I ever got. I think be right up there with all of them. The biggest people I've gotten on this podcast. I have so

few guests I can't even fucking remember. Chris Layton was a huge one drummer for Stevie Raveon telling all those Stevie fucking stories. That was a big one. But anyways, the front rudder will be have a nationwide release, I believe later on this week. And why don't you swing by and check it out. It's a great movie. It's a Gary Hart story. All right. Hugh Grant, Vera Farmiga, directed by Jason Reitman. It all freckles. Don't blink or you'll miss me. All right. Have a great couple of days. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. The ballonjazz with Likker Veel. Download the Maiden leise app and cook me. Yeah, top the leise.