Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-13-17

Episode Date: November 13, 2017

Bill rambles about F1 robberies,  Brad Paisley, and the Cellar Table.

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It's not a New York song, right? That's Hollywood, right? That's a New York song. Start spreading the news. Right? I don't fucking know. I'm all over the map here. I'm winding down this trip.

I just wrapped up my acting gig on front. Runa? I want to thank everybody that allowed me to be on that movie. I had such a great time. I met so many great people on that shoot. And the last night of the shoot, I actually got to do a scene with the star of the movie, Hugh Jackman.

And I can't even tell you how great that experience was. He might be one of the nicest guys I've ever met in my life. Totally cool. Big guy, too. He's like 6'4", or something. Big guy. Totally cool. Nicest fucking dude ever.

Then you start doing the scene, right? And his character in the scene was getting mad and frustrated with us, dude. And he went into that Wolverine thing a little bit. I was just like, Jesus Christ, I would not fuck with this guy. Just an amazing, amazing actor. And it was the coolest thing. On the last night, we had two things to shoot.

One quick thing in a car. And then the whole rest of the thing was us, me and two other actors, and Hugh Jackman. And it was just like, we shot that the whole night. It was one of those things where you were like, I wouldn't really care if we continued shooting this scene tomorrow. I'm having so much fun. You know what I found out?

I like to run when I act. This scene involved me running into, running before I delivered my lines or whatever. And I found that I really liked that. I was just like, wow. No wonder I always like William Shatner and TJ Hooker. I know I've talked about this before, but if you ever watch TJ Hooker, I don't think in the history of television, they ever made an actor run farther than they made William Shatner,

who was well into his fifties by then. They would just have like this, the master shot of the scene. And I don't get all hollywood here on you. But the master is just, when you go to shoot the scene, it's a wide shot and you're capturing every character in it, or you're establishing the place, the setting. I have no fucking idea. I think that's what it is, right?

They would just be standing on the other side of a wharf, a runway. Like William Shatner, he chased after planes and they would just start and he would come running around the corner and he would always be like 70 yards away and they'd be playing this fucking music with the bongos in the background and you would watch him just full speed running, a man in his fifties. All right? And this is like the 80s, so no guys stretched. Unless you were on like, you know, you had to be like in the Olympics. And even then, if you watched like the old NFL films,

the way that they would stretch, you know what I mean? They weren't doing like any, just sort of, you know, doing a forward bend. None of that yoga shit. It was like, touch your toes, touch your hips, touch your shoulders, do a jumping jack, come back down or whatever the fuck they would do. Hut, two, three, four, that type of stuff. Running in cop shoes, full speed for a good 80 yards. This is actually a great YouTube video that I think I posted before of TJ Hooker running.

So anyways, I had the best time and did the perfect amount of time on the movie because right when it ended, I came right here to New York and then I'm going to go back in the rest of my year. Other than like two road gigs, I am done and I'm going to get to spend this ridiculous amount of quality time with my wife and daughter and I can't wait. I'm totally getting into the Christmas spirit this year. Not to the point of sacrificing Thanksgiving.

You know, I might even put up a couple of little like cut out turkeys in my house. I had out Thanksgiving just gets passed over, you know what I mean? Gets passed over like a person that should have got the job but didn't, right? But I'm totally getting into it and I'm still sober. It was 84 days on Thursday, so 85, 86, 87, 88. Eric Lindrose, 88. Lynn Swan, right? Wasn't he 88? Yeah.

88 days not boozing and I think I'm going to go for the 100. I don't know, you know. I think I'll be, let's see, I'll be 91 on Thursday, a week from Thursday, it'll be 98. And then it'll be Thanksgiving or what? I'm not going to have a little brandy in my eggnog there. I'm big with the brandy in the eggnog, you know. That's what I would have added to the great Obi-Anthony bit, the eggnog, Obi-Anthony little Jimmy, right?

Do you think those guys loving it back together do like a reunion tour? They should have like a one-off, you know, like a tour, you know, like the police got back together. They should do that with great radio shows where everybody eventually, you know, just got sick of each other and went the other way but the fans are still sitting there like, come on, man, just do one more tour, man. They should all get together, you know. I think it'll have, guns and roses can get back together, right? I don't fucking know.

Anyways, plowing ahead of you, I'm totally going to get into the holidays. And I don't know, I don't know about the drinking thing, I think I'm done for a while. Like I said, I want to go sting in my 50s. I'm turning 50 in June. And I want to make sure, I don't know, that's a critical fucking decade, right? That's that one thing, you know, people like fucking die in their 50s. So I got to, you just, that's when people just start dying. I mean, people, I've already lost, like I've lost count, how many fucking friends?

I actually have a list on my phone so I don't forget all the comics that I've known that have died. By the way, all men, all men out of the 25, they're all men. So all these women out there like, you don't understand how difficult it is to be a woman. It's like, lady, I got 25 dead friends. They're all guys, okay? I don't know what the fuck is going on with us, but whatever you guys are, there's something that you guys, something in your life is easier. I know in this age of feminism, where it just has to be everything is so fucking much harder for a woman. There is one easy thing, one easier thing for a woman, and it really is the most important thing, and that is staying alive.

What the fuck is my phone? I got them all, like I got, and I'm probably going to forget a few people. All right, let's see here. These are all the fucking people that I knew that are gone here. All right, it all started with Mitch Hedberg in like March, I think at 2005. Mitch Hedberg, Freddie Soto, Mitch Mulaney, Robert Schimmel, Bernie Mac, Dave Fitzgerald, Kevin Knox, Bob Seibel, Bob Lazarus, Rich Seisler, Otto from Otto and George Greg Geraldo, Patrice O'Neill, Todd Lynn, Sam Brown, Charlie Murphy, Scott Kennedy, John Pernette, Richard Jenny, Mike Di Stefano, Ralphie May, and Pete Cummins. Those are all the people that I knew really well or worked with as a comedian that have all died since 2005, except for Dave Fitzgerald.

He died earlier, he died in like 2001. He was a Boston comic, and I probably forgot a few people. You know, club owners, Manny Dwarman, Lucian Holt, and then I have like, let's see, high school kids that I went to school with, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, all guys. Fucking unbelievable. You just don't understand sometimes what it's like to be. I know, I absolutely, I'm sure it's fucking much more difficult in a lot of ways, but I'll tell you the most important way, staying alive. Let's not forget that. Anyways, so I did the new West Side Comedy Club, and it was just the perfect layout.

And I also love too, it's right around the corner from the Beacon Theater, so I've gotten to play there a couple of times, but what I also love is if I was a young comedian starting out, it's really like this motivational thing where you walk out and then you walk around the corner and there's the Beacon Theater, and you can kind of be thinking, you know, someday maybe I'll be able to play that place. That's the type of shit that used to get me, used to get me motivated when I'm starting out, although I don't know about playing theaters. I think it was just seeing Caroline's Comedy Club because when I was starting out, like, nobody played theaters. Like Cosby played theaters, George Carlin, like you had to be like a legend. Joan Rivers, those people played like theaters. And, you know, for most comedians, when I started, I think it was, the dream was to just sell out clubs. The dream was to sell out clubs and to get a sitcom built around your act.

That was the dream. And then somewhere along the line, it switched and a lot of people talk about, you know, social media and blah blah and all that. I think the biggest thing that has created, one of the big things that people forget as far as like how all of these comedians now are big enough of a draw. To play theaters. I think one of the best things that happened for comedians that nobody brings up is Napster. An online file sharing, air quote, sharing of music, which was really stealing music that completely destroyed the music business and their ability to make stars. You remember Virgin Records, remember you would go in there and they had that little CD listening thing and they had like the top 10 or the top 20 CDs and they'd always be like a new band in there. It's like they were feeding, you know, bringing new people in.

And once Napster came out and then there was the lime wire and all of that shit and then iTunes and all of that, what happened was, Oh, am I going to use this term? There was an arrest of development of new, like when you look at like the amount of bands that broke through in like the last 10 years that was suddenly able to sell out arenas. It's like a handful of bands or people like Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars was at 21 pilots is very few that got that big, at least not as much as as they used to. I feel, I might be completely wrong on this, but if I'm not mistaken, there was like, like the MTV Music Award had like the five, the same five artists for a long time were with a few new ones. But like, like Jay-Z, Kanye, and like, I don't know, I'm not so good with all the youngest people stuff, but they stuck around forever at those music awards because there was not these new people coming in. Usually for somebody to stick around at a music award for over 10 years, I feel like there was only a couple of bands that could do it, but they had to keep those people from 10 years previous because they all got knocked out. And then I'm going to get to a point here.

So everything became a quick little bullshit. I don't want to pay for it online. And I think in everybody who went online either wanted to fucking watch someone do something incredible on a skateboard, some ex game shit, or you wanted to watch people fail and you wanted to laugh. And I feel like stand up comedy fit into that setup punch, setup punch. It was quick. They made you laugh. You fucking moved on. And then I think comedians slid into all of these theater gigs that were all of these bands would have been playing.

I'm not talking arenas. I just mean like like theaters. I might be wrong on that one, but I think if you look at the graph as the music business imploded comedy went through the fucking roof. Then also with technology, how comic comics could just keep putting out these specials and then Netflix was another big thing. But everybody talks about that, but nobody seems. I don't know. I think the music business completely imploding also helped out stand up. It created a void.

I don't know. You like that? You like me discussing the the ins and outs of ticket sales and stand up comedy. So anyway, so I was working at the West Side Comedy Club. You got to go there. Some old friends of mine opened the place up. That's why I did it. I had the best time.

And what was really cool is it was mostly, you know, podcast listeners. And say whatever the fuck I thought essentially in these times, you know what I mean? Everything that's going on. You know, I heard like those fucking people were going down to the comedy cellar and then writing down what other comics were saying about Louis CK and all of that type of stuff was just, it's just so fucking. It's such a crazy time right now. And, you know, I don't know. I love Louis CK and that was really obviously just a fucking hard thing to see happen to somebody. And he was definitely 100% wrong.

I'll just say this. He was 100% wrong. He did own up to it. And I think he will definitely be back. I will say that. And I also knew a couple of the women that he did the shit to and I just feel bad for everybody. It's just fucking terrible. And I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know what else you say about it. I feel like I'm in a divorce where you know both the mom and the dad, you need to just you got to like pick a fucking side here. You know, I don't know. All I think that just this new thing though is like, like the level of witch hunt that happened when the Louis thing came out, like the amount of fucking people that they went after was just fucking. It was like six degrees of Louis Dick, you know, to the point even the fucking Huffington Post was even trying to like, you know, list people, the clients of the same manager that he had and stuff. Who by the way is one of the great people I've ever met in life. I stand by my fucking manager and I'm never firing the guy.

I've been with this guy since 2006. Dave Beck is one of the great people that I've met in this business. I love that guy. I still have him over my house for fucking dinner. Watching everybody just, oh, I think I remember this happening 15 fucking years ago and then watching everybody try to burn down this guy's life. It's just fucking predicts people. This is America. You remember due process.

Like the whole thing is just like, it's fucking insane. I wouldn't be surprised if they're going after Louis CK's mailman saying if you deliver his mail, you're part of the problem. Um, you know, and it doesn't seem to be like there's any sort of like, you know, in the judicial system where there's like, if you steal a bike, you get this sentence. If you rob a bank, you get this. If you kill somebody, if you kill a whole bunch of people all the way up to the death penalty. Yeah, this kind of seems like it's become, um, it doesn't make a difference if it's sexual misconduct all the way to sexual assault. Slash rape, you know, you're getting the exact same, uh, like level of punishment. Um, so that's only my question.

Okay. Out of all of this, because he was definitely wrong. Obviously. I mean, it's all obvious shit that I'm saying, but, uh, does the punishment match the crime because, you know, sexual misconduct. Can you talk of sexual misconduct? Like I, I don't, I would, I don't know how many podcasts I would have to do to tell you all the stories of sexual misconduct with just women as a standup comedian who used to go out after his shows, selling his posters and all and taking pictures with you. Just the fucking women. Okay.

And I'll tell you, it was never any of the young ones. It was always these middle-aged fucking women. Couple glasses of red wine. Oh God. And they come at you with their va va va boom energy. And you'd be like, Oh no, here we go. You know, that's my advice. Young male comics out there.

Young female comics is plenty of information out there for you now about watching out for creepy guys. But I don't think there's anything out there for young male comics. I will tell you this. Okay. If you're going to go out and meet a crowd afterwards. When middle-aged women, you can tell they've had too much wine beyond the fact that they're sort of teetering on their high heel shoes with their old feet sticking out of them. You just look for the gray teeth. All right.

And a little bit too much makeup. And then that, you know, they got the girls out a little bit. Just fucking watch yourself. Okay. Cause that's the, that's the old cheerleader who is not aging well and is freaking out that guys don't, you know, find her attractive anymore. And I'm telling you, they're going to come up to you. You know, cover your junk. That's all I'm going to say.

Dude, I had a woman lick my neck one time. And I'll tell you worse than the touch of her tongue, her old ass disgusting wine breath tongue on my fucking neck. Worse than that was I felt her breath right before the eagle landed. I will. Oh, and forget about gay guys. Jesus Christ. I can do another half podcast on that one. If we're just talking about sexual misconduct.

I always wanted to rub your chest. The fuck did you just do? I remember one time, and this is the thing about a guy, when it happens to a guy, it's just funny just for the simple fact that, you know, generally speaking, you can overpower whoever the fuck is coming at you. I'm not, I'm not a little boy. So I get why nobody gives a shit when this happens to a guy. I get it. I remember I was dating this absolutely lovely woman, beautiful woman.

She danced on Broadway. She was such a sweetheart. I loved her to death and I completely fucked it up because I was an angry young man. So I'm sorry to her, right? So she was dancing in this thing called Broadway Bears, which was like they used to do this thing to raise money. It was like a burlesque show. So it wasn't like this creepy titty bar thing. It was just, you know, if you ever go to a burlesque show, which my wife took me to one to see that Dita Vontis.

I was just like, are you fucking kidding me? She's going to take me down here to go to go see basically go to a rated PG 13 strip club. I have the coolest wife ever. And then I got down there and I think I was the only straight guy there. And it was like mostly gay guys, right? And that's what this Broadway Bears thing was. And it wasn't like the creepy Hooters vibe. So it's actually better if there's a bunch of gay dudes there because I always did that whole like Hooters strip clubs, titty bars and all that shit.

It's just like, that's something that's like fascinating when you're like in your twenties, I think. And then somewhere, you know, if you're progressing, if you're maturing, at some point it just becomes gross or at the very least like this is fucking stupid. You know, I want to go out and get laid. I'm going to sit here looking at naked women who aren't going to fuck me. You know, this is stupid while losing a ton of money, paying for water, down drinks. What? No, I don't want to eat in here. You're in the sex industry. Get away from me.

I'm going to order some food, right? So I go down to this Broadway Bears thing, right? And, you know, there's all these fucking laces, all these smoking hot women doing their dances and stuff. And then there's all these shredded dudes. So all the gay guys are going nuts about the dudes. And I'm looking at all these women going like, oh my God, right? Fucking dancer legs. They were incredible, right?

Oh, by the way, they also were really talented, right? So the fucking show ends. And I'm waiting for my girlfriend at the time to come out. And this fucking, I don't know where this guy came up and just smacked me on the ass. And it wasn't like, like, it was like, if you were playing football, it was good game. But at that place it wasn't. This guy wanted to fucking hook up with me. Dude, he hit me so hard, like I almost fucking got whiplash.

And I fucking turned around and I can't say what I said to the guy. But I made it clear to him that I wasn't gay. And I'll never forget, he just like put his hands up and was like backing away. And I remember when he put his hands up to do that, these fucking guns. And I was just like, you know, I don't know what this guy's thinking right now. But if he wanted to do something, I don't know if there's anything I could do about it. I'll never forget his big hairy gay arms just coming out. Oh, I'm sorry.

I just fucking. No, he didn't even talk like that. I'm doing like the hacky gay voice. He had just like a regular dude voice. And, um, I'll do it. I got a zillion of those fucking zillion of those fucking stories. If we're talking sexual misconduct here. And, um, and you know what's funny is the reason I stopped going out after my shows

wasn't all of those fucking witches of Eastwick drunk bitches coming up to me doing God knows what, right? Just crossing all kinds of fucking lines. Like you literally like you're a cartoon character. What made me finally stop was that time the guy went to take the camera out to take the picture of his girlfriend, a wife and a loaded nine millimeter fell on the fucking ground. And it was right on the ground and I should have kicked it away. You know, all the episodes is stasky and hot. Should I watch?

I didn't. I just froze. I pointed at the gun and went, dude, what the fuck? And I let him bend down and pick it up. And I just stood there. I've never felt more white in my life. You know what I mean? Just classic cul-de-sac like, Hey Frank, I believe you dropped your pistol.

Thanks, Bill blows my fucking brains out. Oh, you hear that? That's my alarm. I got up a little early. So anyways, people, I think it's a great thing that all of this stuff is coming out because there's no way that women should have to be tolerating this. They've tolerated it way too long, but can we stop short here of like then trying to literally destroy everybody around the fucking person

over social media and no burden of proof whatsoever. These are like real people that you're going after. Okay. You know, these people that are around these people that have done horrible things. They have wives. They have kids. They have families. They have mortgages, you know, and just to just fucking just willy nilly.

Oh, somebody just said this on Twitter. It has to be true and just pile on and blow on the ashes and try to turn it into fucking inferno. It's also not right. Okay. And I feel really bad for my manager and what the hell he's going through right now. I really do. And I'm not going to be one of these fucking people and I hate how there's this whole fucking day and it don't say anything, man. It's not worth it.

Don't say anything. So I'm just going to leave this guy who's been a friend of me for fucking 11 years, guided me through my career. My career went through the fucking stratosphere with this guy. I'm just going to leave him twisting in the wind. Go fuck yourself. Dave Beck, he's a great guy. Um, anyways, plowing ahead. What do we got here?

Let's read a little bit of no, you know what I missed? I missed the I missed the formula one race and it sounded like it was amazing. I don't know how Lewis Hamilton ended up starting in last place, but he worked his way all the way up to first, which I have never seen. Somebody must have crashed. Because I don't know the way Max Verstappen was running during the last race. When somebody gets out in front, you know, and they're driving through the clean air there, what a little thing I know about aerodynamics and racing. No one can ever catch him. So they must have had a brilliant strategy plus like slash somebody else that was plus plus and slash.

Um, somebody's car must have broken down or, uh, there must have been an accident or something. I have no idea. But, uh, can somebody, I know you guys have sent me this link before. Can somebody try and find or send me the link to where, um, where I can rewatch the races, um, the replay of them. Because Brazil's a grandma. Did you see fucking the Mercedes Benz team got robbed at gunpoint? Louis Hamilton wasn't there and, but he's quote was basic. This happens every time we come down here.

How bad is that for tourism in Brazil? You know what I mean? Every time we come down here, the Illuminati sport gets fucking robbed. Can we do something about security? Um, you know, thank God. Like, you know, if I was like the president of Brazil, I actually wouldn't be too nervous because Brazil has arguably the most beautiful women in the world down there. You know what I mean? And that will keep people coming despite the fact that even the Mercedes Benz formula one team gets robbed at gunpoint and they weren't there on vacation.

They came down there with the entire sport and somebody still finally got through. I guess when you got a pistol, you don't really need a laminate. Can we see your credentials? Yeah, right here buddy. Okay, Louis Hamilton's over there and I believe he still has his diamond earring and have at it. Ikea, tip of the week. All right, let's read some advertising here for this week. Saathi everybody, Saathi. Everyone at some point has wished they could just have a beer, wine or liquor delivered.

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I did the West Side Comedy Club, bam. On Saturday night, I did Michael J. Fox's charity, the Fox Foundation. I did a benefit for them. One of the coolest gigs I've ever got to do in my life. I show up, right? First of all, it's Michael J. Fox, right? I mean, that guy's comedic timing. You know, like when they say somebody has like a perfect pitch when they go to sing or whatever.

I always felt like, you know, grew up watching him on family ties. And of course, all the back to the future movies. And his timing was just like, was impeccable, right? And it makes it really, really easy. But just as a fan of comedy and everything, I always loved the guy. So I realized I was going to get to meet him and I show up to the gig and I'm always nervous whenever I have to do a benefit because it's, you know, it's a benefit. People are going to be in this, you know, they're going to be in a certain mindset where it's just like, you know, wow, I'm really lucky that, you know, I'm healthy. I have my family, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And other these other people are going through this really difficult thing. There's a sense of like guilt that you feel just all of that type and just puts the crowd in a certain mood where then all of a sudden they go from laughing to everything that you say is just like, oh, boo, you know, those are the sounds I usually hear at benefits. So I was always a little apprehensive and in my head, I'm sitting there going like, all right, how can I navigate this situation? Because there's what I want to talk about and then there's what I should talk about just to get through this, right? So I show up and when the first people I saw was Eugene Merman, who hadn't seen in a while and I was so relieved to see another comedian. I was just like, oh, thank God. So we both would just sort of laugh and talking about how, all right, it's a benefit. How is this what's going to happen?

How is this one going to go down? Hopefully this is going to be good. And as I was talking to him, I heard this amazing band playing in the background. I was like, it sounded so good. I'm like, is that live? That's unreal. But we were back in the green room. I was like, I got to check them out raised.

I went to go out. This like guy comes walking by goes, hey, Bill Burr, how are you doing? He's like, you know, you know, I've seen your stuff, man, you're funny. I said, oh, thanks a lot. I appreciate it. I go, look at you. You're dressed all sharp. I'm like, are you going up tonight?

He goes, yeah, I go, what do you do? You're a comedian? He goes, nah, because I play a little guitar. You know, I love musicians. I'm like, holy shit, man, you playing a band that's fucking great, right? It turned out that guy was Brad Paisley. I'm old. I don't know who the kids are, right?

I have no fucking idea. He went on in the end and was one of the greatest entertainers I've seen in a long fucking time. He goes, ah, I play a little guitar, right? Shreds. Absolutely shreds on guitar. Amazing voice. I said to him after, because I felt like an asshole that I didn't know who he was, but I'm also, I'm old, you know, I'm going to be 50 next year, right?

And I'm loving turning 50. Now this is when you start to have excuses. Ah, I'm 50. I don't know things. I said to him, I said, you know, I love about you country guys. All you guys can play, you know? I'm not into all the country music, but they, they can fucking play and they can sing. And it reminds me of hair metal as much as people trash me for listening to that.

Those guys could play and they could sing. They could, they could do it live. Well, do it live. Fuck it. Right. So anyways, I'm hearing all this band. So I, ah, I go, I got to go check these guys out, right? I felt like the third song.

I heard, so I go to walk out there to see the, um, to see the band playing. And I looked at it and I'm looking at the drummer. This is giant, like, you know, banquet room. And I'm just looking at the drummer and I just fucking staring at him for like five seconds at disbelief. And I look at the woman next to me who was working for the foundation. I was like, is that Steve Jordan? She goes, yeah, he's like really good.

I'm like really good. He's one of the greatest fucking drummers of all time. This is like a bucket list for me to ever see this guy play live. I can't believe, I couldn't believe it. My jaw was on the ground. Like you got to understand, like I, I've been listening to Steve Jordan since like, I guess when I first started watching Letterman and I didn't even realize at that point that he played on those Blues Brothers albums that I discovered those.

I even bought the second Blues Brothers album made in America that nobody bought. I have all of that shit. All of his Keith Richards expensive. Why no shit. I watched him on the let with the Letterman band. I go on YouTube. There's a fusion album that he put out. The fuck was the name of that band that you can't.

I can't find the album anywhere where he's really young playing on that one way busier than he plays on a lot of other stuff right through all the John Mayer stuff. And I was always thinking, okay, when John Mayer comes to town with his trio, I'm definitely going to go see that. And I'll finally get to see Steve Jordan playing live, you know, switching out the snares and all of that, that whole, all that hope, it's his whole thing that he does that it's just so incredible. But every time John Mayer would come to LA, I would always be on the road and I'd always

miss it. So I actually got to see him play. And so anyways, I'm sitting there and at the banquet thing and I meet Michael J. Fox and he's just like the nicest guy ever, him and his wife, just a couple of sweethearts, you know, just one of those amazing couples too, you know, both good looking people and then they form when they get together, they form an even more amazing person, you know. And I'm sitting there and like, I'm literally nervous like I'm a brand new comic. Whenever I get to, whenever I do benefits, I get like that nervous because like, I've

had some that have not gone well. I've done some Christmas parties. It's the reason why I don't do Christmas parties. I don't do private gigs, you know, which are basically rich people or rich companies or something, get together and they will literally hire anyone from like fucking you two all the way down to some no name comic like I was back when I used to do those fucking things and you would go up there and nobody would know that there was a show. And the last one I did, like they had me go up, it was in like a restaurant and these

people had rented out the restaurant and everybody was eating and talking and I went up there and I was, no one was listening and I got defensive. So my already angry material back then was coming off even angrier and people just literally stopped eating or just sort of staring down at their plates. And I tried every trick that I knew in the book to turn it around and I couldn't do it and I just fucking bombed. I ruined their dinner. I ruined at least that part of it and I just walked out of there with my agent at the time

and God bless him. He had to listen to me walk 12 blocks with him with absolutely absolute Tourette's just going like I am never fucking doing one of those fucking things again. Who the fuck brings somebody up when everybody's fucking eating? Like I did that. I was going KCK some and I was supposed to go in and talk about a fucking dog dying. Right. I went into that mode, you know, but by the end after 12 blocks, by the end of it, we

were both laughing and I was just like, should we give him that money back? That was like, fuck, I feel bad. That's the real reason why I was flipping out. You know, I was embarrassed and then I also felt like I stole money because I just wasn't I wasn't the guy for that gig. It should have been like somebody like who was happy with themselves. All right. So anyways, let's get on with the, no, I'll finish telling the story.

So anyways, fortunately, the great Dennis Leary was hosting this event and he went up and immediately turned it into a comedy show. You know, he was up there doing what he does and he dropped, you know, a couple of F bombs and then with every joke he told, I got more and more and more and more relaxed. And I was like, I thank God. And then I went up on stage and I just, I just fucking went off and told all these, I just, I don't know, I did all those stories telling all those fucking stories of all the shit that women have done to me.

And at first people didn't want to laugh and then they just started laughing because, you know, sexual misconduct, like I said, to a guy and I'm agreeing with this. It's kind of funny. It's not right, but it is, it's funny. And at first they were like, what the fuck? And then they just sort of went with it and then all the rest of my shit just flowed and I ended up having one of my favorite sets I've had in such a long time. And then in the end I got to watch this new great musician that I wasn't aware of, Brad

Paisley, playing with Steve Jordan's band. And then in the end they brought Michael J. Fox out and they all played Johnny Be Good. I mean, it was just, it was incredible. I was just standing there like going, how the fuck is this my life? It was amazing. And I just ended up having, then it just turned out it was also the New York Comedy Festival. So all these guys were in town. I got to run into Brian Regan who just played Carnegie Hall hanging out with him.

I just had like the best, I had the best fucking night. And the great New York run here continues where tomorrow I'm going to be on inside the NFL. I don't know what I'm going to be talking about. God knows I haven't watched nearly as much NFL football as I would have liked this year. I just got so busy with the cartoon and my little acting gig there. Bill, what do you think you're an actor now? Every once in a while I am. All right.

My screen went dark here. Let's type in the fucking password, the password. All right. Let's, let's read some of your questions here. All right. Not enough women or gays at the cellar table. Oh boy. Here we go.

Oh, red dick Billy, all the controversy and standup comedy. He goes, I was hoping to get you take on an article I came across on Facebook called tear down the boys club that protected Louis CK. That's that witch hunt thing that I'm saying. Like we had fucking meetings every week. All right. What are we going to do here? Say, you know, and how everybody else, the second that evidently everybody else on the

other side, the second that Gawker article came out, you know, immediately took a criminal justice course and just became some gum shoe and went out and bought a giant magnifying glass and walked around looking for clues. All right. It's written by a gay comic who figures basically going after Louis wasn't enough. So he is trying to go after his peers also. Yeah. The witch hunt, the author cries about a certain table at the comedy cellar where elite comics

like Chris Rock and Jerry Seinfeld sit like when the table came about, by the way, Jerry Seinfeld was still doing Seinfeld. You know what I mean? I don't know if they actually had a place called the table. When I first started going to the comedy cellar, there wasn't a table. Comics just went upstairs and they sat all over the place. And I am convinced that the reason why the table was started was because of Patrice because Patrice was so loud and so funny and he was just all over the upstairs.

They were trying to somehow contain him. He was like, Jordan, you know, you're not going to stop him. Let's just see if we can contain him. So I think they just tried to get us all in, sit it in one, seated in one area so they could at least be like, okay, sit down and fold your fucking hands and listen to the teacher, right? That's how I remember it anyway. So he goes, he also has never even tried to perform at the, at the cellar himself.

It's kind of like a fourth grader crying to the teacher because the cool kids won't hang out with him. The article implies that by not speaking up about it, the cellar comics were somehow protecting Louie, even though they were just rumors until recently. Also the owner of the cellar, where are we, my fucking screen went dark, sorry. Also the owner of the cellar had some great things to say in the comments. Here's a link to the article and go fuck yourself. Yeah, I read it and you know, to be honest with you, considering this guy is also a

fellow comedian, I feel bad that that was his perception. I feel filthy that that was his perception of what the table was because, you know, the table was like, I didn't even know how to explain it like that was something like the level of pounding that you had to take. You had to go there and just basically get ripped to shreds. And then what everybody at the table wanted to do, and it wasn't even, it wasn't doing it to just be mean. It was just, I don't know, it was just this comedian thing.

So you'd sit down and like you already would, you'd sit down with like whatever you were hung up about with yourself and they would give another 40 things about you physically that you didn't even notice that you should also be self-conscious about. However, in the end, all they wanted you to do was come back at them and trash them back and if you did, you were in regardless. All right. And there was some epic fucking back and forth at that table, you know, people definitely got mad sometimes, but the table wasn't like what a lot of people who didn't go to it think

it was like this big bullying thing. It was also this amazing thing where like I listened to Jewish people and Arab comics going at it, talking about the Middle East. I'd listened to Patrice and you know, Manny Dorman, their debates, Colin Quinn was there. And if I remember correctly, Tough Crowd came out of those conversations at the table. And if you watched Tough Crowd, it'd be these comedians talking about these deep issues while trashing each other. And I always felt that the table was inclusive as long as you were willing.

You had to fucking walk the gauntlet. You just had to fucking do and you had to survive it. And then if you did, you actually became a better comedian because once you got in at the table, then there was this thing you couldn't not sit at the table. You'd come in and be, hey, Bill, come on. They wanted you to sit at the table because they wanted you to trash you and then they also wanted you to trash him back. But you know, I wasn't even part of the elite crew.

I wasn't funny enough. I just wasn't. As far as this is just my perception of it was the table was Patrice Norton, Voss, Keith Robinson, Colin Quinn, and later on Kevin Hart. Right. And even he was sort of like just like a rookie, but he also made it so fast that he didn't have time to fucking stay there. So those were the, that was like the Mount Rushmore of the table.

And when you showed up and they were all there and somebody had something on you like that time, you know, I for 24 hours said I would do the stand up on a bus on the weight of a World Series game to get a World Series ticket. And I never even ended up doing the gig. I took a headlining set pounding that is still legendary. They told the fucking story on, um, opiate Anthony, I believe Kevin Hart and them all told the story, man. I got fucking destroyed, destroyed.

So this guy, like suggesting that it was all like everybody was like, there was this team of people, it wasn't, it was fucking cannibalistic. All right. Everything that they said in opening at the was 100% true, except for the fact that I did the gig because I didn't do the gig. I actually gave the gig to somebody else. And I went with the vow of silence. I said, I will never tell anybody that you did this gig because I don't want you to go

through what I just went through. Um, I think the guy who did the gig actually might have said that he was the one who did the gig all these years later, but I still, I'm not saying shit who it was. So anyways, once you got in at the table, then you would go downstairs to go do your set and one night they, everybody at the table be like, you know what, we're watching you set tonight and you'd be like, ah, fuck, and you would go downstairs. You'd go on stage in the crowd. Couldn't see all these fucking asshole comics.

I remember they'd all be backlit standing in the hallway, Patrice's big, dumb, stupid head. And you'd have to go up there and like, just commit to your jokes as they were all standing there, making faces of disgust, hackling, making noises. And one time I told the joke and it went good. And as I was telling the joke, I had the nerve to actually try to say something in a joke and Patrice would just go, just do that fucking noise. And then they would all crack up, laughing. Then the crowd would laugh like what the fuck and get a sense of like other

comics are laughing at this guy. Should we be laughing at him and not respect him as a human being? And then you would just start bombing. And never forget, I remember Kevin Hart went downstairs and he went up as a 20 year old comic and survived it and was barely affected. I mean, I know. And then looking at all the stuff that he's doing now, like you really saw what he was made of.

It was a great thing. The seller table is not what this person perceived it to be. And I feel bad that that person, because having a fat gay guy comic, there would have been great. There would have been a whole other angle. It was actually a really inclusive thing. It's just a lot of people weren't tough enough to get through it. And that's the truth.

And it took me, like I said, like a half dozen attempts because I was not a mentally strong person back then. And, um, but if you see what came out of it, Colin Quinn's tough crowd, that was one of the most inclusive shows of all time. As far as like he gave almost like two and a half generations of standup comics, a TV credit, a lot of them, their first TV credit. Um, so I don't know. And I don't know what someone's going to sit down and watch tough crowd.

It'll be like, Oh, it's mainly white males, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that fucking shit. So I don't know. There's no way to win this type of stuff. But, um, I can tell you that I don't agree with this person's perception of it, but I don't have any anger towards that person for writing that if that's what they think it was. But, uh, it's a little melodramatic burn the table down like there's these

meetings going on and we're all sitting there trying to hold back his. His career or whatever. I mean, I don't, I don't fucking, all I remember as far as like trans comics, I just remember there was, I don't know what the proper term was, but there was a guy who dressed like a woman who went on stage and went by the name. She went by the name, uh, Sharon needles. And she used to go up at the Boston comedy club and she was fucking hilarious. And the last time I looked her up, I believe she was still doing shows.

I think she just got out of the standup scene, but nobody, I don't know. There was no comics going, Oh, what the fuck is this fucking person doing here? Like this all comic, all comedy is, is if you're fucking funny, other comics are going to laugh and you get their respect and you're in, um, you know, everybody has a different fucking road, but everybody's just sitting there going like, just, I don't know what, what they're, it's everybody's looking out their own head and it becomes their experience is fact in truth. And anybody else's experience is bullshit or something like that.

So all I'm doing here is I'm telling my side of that's how I perceived it. And, um, I just remember for the longest time, like we would, I remember one night we fucking were outside the comedy cellar. We trashed each other for so fucking long and it was so goddamn funny. It was so late in the night that this woman in an apartment above the comedy cellar poured water down onto us to get us to shut the fuck up. And, uh, going back, you know, like a lot of moments like that in life, I wish I could have, um, I wish I could have realized how amazing that was during

that time, because that, as far as I was concerned, the table, this, this table that this guy wants to burn down, that died. The table died when Manny died because, you know, he was the creator of it. And, um, he was the one of the great conversationalists that I ever met. And he was so goddamn funny. And, um, and what I loved about him is he wasn't a malicious guy. As much as I got, I used to fucking argue with that guy. You know what I mean?

I was just, I was a young, angry man and I used to argue with that guy. And, and he was always the next day it was always over. I actually kind of learned from him. I learned from him and Bobby Kelly how to squash an argument where like how you be like the next day, just, you know, cause I didn't grow up in a family like that. It was just basically, you didn't talk about it and then you didn't talk for three days and then fucking four days later, you say, Hey, you see the

self just give us a good game and then everything was lingering. Um, those two people, I learned how to have a functional end to an argument. So, um, yeah, I don't know what that shit's about, but it's unfortunate that that person feels that way about it. But, you know, everybody's entitled to their opinion. All right. Uh, Patrice, a Billy Ray, no fun. Um, after hearing you along with so many other comics, university,

Lord Patrice, I finally watched elephant in the room special. Uh, within minutes, he had me in stitches. It's so easy to see why he was so revered within the comedy community. I know you hold him both as a comedian, as a person, a person in an incredibly high regard. I would love to hear some of your insight into him. I recently heard that he was permanently banned from performing at the stand in New York.

What was that about? No, he was never banned from the stand. The stand, um, the stand came out or opened right around when Patrice got sick. Um, he wasn't banned from there. Uh, anyways, really big fan of the show and would love to see come to Australia again soon. Um, yeah. No, Patrice, Patrice was getting banned from comedy clubs all the time.

All the time, but he was so fucking good. They had to let him back in. Uh, it reminds me of when I read this, this Miles Davis book and he was talking about Charlie Parker and when he would party too much and pawn his horn and these clubs would kick him out. They'd eventually have to fucking bring him back in because he was the best. And Patrice was the best. And, you know, as much as he would drive him nuts, you wanted him around.

You wanted him around. You get, it's just like the, like the comedy dropped by 40%. Even with all the other comics still going there, if he wasn't there and just the fun, and then they also knew that if they banned him, that none of the comics were going to hang out at their clubs, we were all going to go to where he was. Um, yeah. So then they would let him back into the club and then they created the table.

That's, that's how I remember it. That's how I thought that they let's, we'll have them all these fucking lunatics. Just have them sit in the back at the goddamn table. So then we was sitting down and it just, you know, it was just a bunch of dogs and a fucking pit. And then that's how the trash and the trashing was already happening. I remember one night, you know, after I took the pound and for fucking the bus gig that I never even did, I remember when Bobby first shaved his head, he

came in and I always respected him for this. He came in, he had like a hat on and he sat down right at the fuck. And the fat gay guy comic here, listen to this story, he didn't shy away from the table. He fucking walked right in, sat down, took it off, he walked right in. He sat down, took his hat off and looked at everybody like, all right, give it to me, let's hear it and fucking everybody just, it was like a def jam bit. He took his hat off and everybody just, ah, everyone the fuck.

He took this fucking pounding and everyone was getting them and he was just sitting there taking it, laughing and all that type of stuff. And I actually thought he looked good with the shaved head, right? And, um, what's his face? Uh, I think, oh, who said it? I think it was Estee. Estee finally got him with one. I think she said, you look like David Wells.

I think that that's what she said and everybody fucking died laughing. And Bobby literally just stood up and just walked out. And I remember thinking like, you could, I didn't know you could do that. I didn't even walk out. I saw Keith Robinson do that one time too. We were trash in his clothes, so fucking bad. It was, and he was trying to fight back and he was just feeling that wave was going to crash over him.

He just fucking ran out the door, got in his car and drove home to Jersey. We would be kept texting him and calling him going, you can't do that. You can't do that. He was like, oh yeah, well, I just did stupid fucking hung up on his laugh and hung up on us. Um, Oh my God, I remember that fucking time, Patrice, you know, somehow we found out he, he was home on a Saturday night. He just took like a night off and, uh, Jim Norton fucking came in and said,

you know what Patrice is right now? He's at home on a Saturday night and they all called him up and on speaker phone, Patrice just picks up. He's like, hello. And Jim's like, what the fuck are you doing home on a Saturday night? You don't have any gigs and Patrice just fucking roared laughing and we all over speaker phone, trashed him. He was at home getting trashed at the table.

And I just remember him lie. He loved every fucking second of it. It was at the table is one of the great things ever. So, you know, don't listen to that guy. All right. I lied to my girlfriend. Um, all right, I lied to my girlfriend. Hey Bill, I really could use some advice right now.

I'm an 18 year old male and I've been with this girl for seven months now. I really care about her and she makes me truly happy about a year ago. I used to smoke weed and do some drugs, other drugs a lot. Uh, I used to smoke about three or four times a week, but I quit a little under a year ago. My girlfriend is really against drug use and has told me that she would leave me if I ever did it again. Well, a couple of months ago, me and my girl were kind of on a break, not

because we don't want to be with each other, but because of some other shit going on in our lives. All right. That's pretty vague. Uh, while we were on this break, I smoked some weed with a buddy of mine. Um, I really regret doing so because I know how this is, this means a lot to her. Um, she is later asked me when was the last time I did any drugs and I just lied and told her the last time was when I told her I quit.

I can't stop thinking about this and I feel really bad about lying to her, but I am afraid she's going to leave me or stop trusting me. If I tell her now, since I had already lied about it several times in the past. Um, all right. What do you do here? Uh, just do what you want to do. All right. If you can't live with it, I would tell her, if not, you mean you fucking

smoke, you took a hit off a joint. If you're not going to, if you're really committed and you're not going to do it again, is it really worth putting you and her through this? It's kind of hard for me to give you advice here because I don't know what you broke up for. I mean, you did it while you were broken up. It's not like you went out and you banged some other woman. You just went out and you just took a hit and you didn't fucking do it again.

Um, and you know, that's it. But at the end of the day, you know, something, if you come clean and she still breaks up with you over that, then you know what, fuck her. She, if she can't accept you, it's not like you went out and you started using heroin and you stole all the money out of her fucking purse. She can't handle one hit of a joint and then you feel bad about it. And you can't even lie to her about it without feeling terrible and that you have to tell her, but you tell her that the reason why you didn't tell her is because

you care about her and you didn't want to lose her. If she still leaves you after that, then, you know, she was going to find something. Right. Okay. Jim girl, uh, you know something? I don't know if I have time to read all of these. I gotta, I gotta fucking get out of here here. I'll be, okay, this is the worst thing ever.

I'm going to try to read this quickly. I already read bad when I'm reading at a normal pace here. Hey, Billy Q ball a couple of months back, I started going to another gym, a town over for a change of scenery. After a couple of weeks, I run into this tall athletic girl. She didn't talk to anyone and had that I'm not trying to talk to anyone. Look going on because of this, me and virtually because of what? Because of this and me virtually never cold approaching a girl before I left her alone.

Over the next few weeks, I noticed she would be in my area a lot. And when moving between exercises, we would cross paths a lot. Sounds like you're doing that fucking whatever that workout is cross fit. Well, you got to run down the street. You know, look at us, everybody. We're working out. Hey, look at us. You know, leaving your gym and running around a fucking seven 11 parking lot and coming back.

We get it. You're working out. Jesus Christ. All right. Over the next few weeks, I noticed she would be in my area a lot. And when, all right, I already said that. Okay. We cross paths.

All right. So I said, fuck it and started talking to her. We had a couple of good convos and I eventually got her number. Look at you. You're in the game. We didn't text much, which is fine because I've learned that texting should be mainly for planning meetups. I still tried a couple of text convos for some rapport. Since I'd only seen her one to three times a week, sometimes just in passing.

Now the issue is every time I've messaged her, she randomly stops messaging. Probably because you're bugging her at that point. No matter how good the conversation was going, or she's busy. I didn't see her for a week before I left for vacation for another two weeks and no contact. It's been a week since I've been back and I haven't seen her in the gym. Was she marginally interested or did I not come on strong enough? Should I text her again or just move on and wait till I see her again? Well, if you're still into it, just text us.

Just say, hey, I haven't seen you at the gym. And where's the harm in that? In this day and age, make sure there's a lawyer there when you do it. Because who knows what the next fucking thing is going to be? Yeah, I would text her and just say, hey, back, would you like to go out sometime? It gives a fuck. Fuck her in her cold fucking vibe. Just say what you want to do and she wants to do it.

Go do it if she doesn't move on. That's it. Easy one. All right, but I wouldn't question yourself. Fuck all that. Don't be in your head. Don't be like John Favreau in swingers. That's what I always think.

Just never get into that fucking mode. It's normal to be nervous, both men and women, when you're dating or whatever. Men and men, women and women, everybody included. Whatever you get into that, I would say, don't ever send a text when you're in that mode. I would sit down, relax, and just think, what do I want? I want to go on a date with this person. Well, that's what you ask them. I would love to take you out sometime.

I haven't seen you in a minute. I'd love to take you out sometime. All right, that's it. What's she going to say? How dare you fucking ask her? Ask me out. She's either going to say yes or no. Okay, and if she says no, who gives a fuck?

You don't have any regret. You're asked, but if you don't ask, then you got to be like, what happened? All right, for some gone wrong. This is the last one and I'm done. I recently visited my friend at his big time, college for his school rivalry weekend. I'm going big time. That's what they said when I went to Notre Dame versus USC and they were like, big time college football.

Speaking of a Notre Dame, that a big time ass kicking against Miami. Holy shit, the convicts kicking the shit out of the fucking. I like how they're still called the Catholics and not the pedophiles. You know what I mean? I mean, not everybody at the University of Miami has gone to jail or been arrested. Okay, but if you're going to call them convicts, then I mean, God damn it, we got to go pedophile with Notre Dame, right? Um, it was a great time and his school was one in school one.

And at the last second and at the last second, so the atmosphere is crazy. Later that night, I attended a party at the fraternity he is a member of. Anyways, we meet these two girls and decide to tell them we were actually real real life brothers. And we somehow tricked slash convinced these girls into having a foursome. How do you tell them that you're related and that they want to do it? Tricked is a very dangerous world word to use right now, buddy. All right, we all go into this room. What do you mean trick?

What do you do? Did you do the old quarter? Hey, I'll make a quarter disappear. Hey, where's the quarters behind your ear? Here's my dick. Um, we all go into his room and start hooking up. And since he had a large bed, we had girls on it and we're banging them side by side doggy style. After what seemed like a while, but was probably six minutes, I unfortunately released my champagne

of victory. So now it's my buddy and both the girls in the bed and I'm just in the corner of the room. I really wanted to get back in there, but I knew it would take a little bit of time to get back up. So I decided to look for something to use to start jerking off. Oh God, I found out where it turned out to be my buddy's contact solution and applied it and started tugging. After a few minutes of limp dick tugging, I started to feel movement and thought I'd be back in the game soon. You're like an injured player that went out for a play. At that moment, my buddy and the two chicks who he was nailing turn around and face me and catch me jerking off from their perspective. They think I'm jerking off to them. Oh no. When in

reality, I'm jerking it so I can bang the second girl. One girl sort of freaks out. I love that she freaks out after fucking thinking that she's having a fucking foursome with two brothers. One girl sort of freaks out and my buddy screams, what the hell are you doing? At that point, I didn't know what to say. So I ran out of the room naked and just stood outside the door until they finished. Eventually the girls left and my buddy let me back into the room where he proceeded to ask why I was jerking off to him. Oh no. He goes, I tried to plead my case and give a rational explanation, but he's continuing to be persistent that I was jerking off to him and now he's being extremely distant from me and has told all of

our friends who have constantly been berating me for jerking off while my buddy banged two chicks. Do you have any advice on how I can somehow spin this story? I mean, at the end of the day, I did get laid too. All right, here's what's hilarious about all that, that the woman gets offended. Like, what are you doing? It's like, what are you doing? You're having like a fucking foursome with two people that you think are related. And secondly, I don't know how guys do that. I don't know how you could bang a woman with your buddy next to you also banging. You know what I mean? Like, how do you block out the sound of your friend like right next to you? I mean, do you look at each other at any point and like, how do you not start fucking laughing?

I don't, I've never understood that. Yeah, you probably should have gone into the bathroom. You probably shouldn't have been looking at them. I mean, too, what you have here is a fucking hilarious story. And I, you know, in the spirit of the table, all right, when your friends are giving you shit, I would just laugh. You just have to learn to laugh at yourself and just be like, I swear to God, I was trying to get back in the fucking game. Just tell the story the way you just told it to me and think that it's fucking hilarious that this dude thinks you were jerking off to him. I would just laugh it off, which is how you get out of most shit. You know,

that's how Donald Trump became president. He just, that's probably a bad guy to bring up. He's out there grabbing pussies. They'd be like, he said all this shit about women. No, I didn't, I said it about Rosie O'Donnell. No, well, you said it about other women too. And he's like, yeah, you're probably right. It ends it. It's when you keep fighting it. I would just fucking laugh it off. I know it's tough at your age, but listen, dude, if you have it in you to fucking fuck a woman right next to your friend, if you have the focus to do that, I think you can get through this. But dude, you got one hell of a goddamn story. That's a great story. So anyways, all right, that's it. I have to, I got to get on with my day here. Thanks to everybody.

Who's listened to the podcast. Thanks to the Fox Foundation, the West Side Comedy Club. Please go out to the comedy club and thanks to everybody on front runner that let me have a quick little part in that thing. I had such a great time. Oh, and by the way, guess what's out? Daddy's home part two. I was in part one. You got it. Part two. I heard is even better. Joe Bartnick, Rose Bowl tailgate legend told me he went to go see that. He said, dude, I fucking laughed out loud like 25 times. Comedians don't laugh out loud ever. It's one of the fucking, I don't know, it's one of the prices you pay as a comedian. You stop laughing. You just start going, oh, that was funny, but you never laugh. You never laugh again. So definitely go check that out.

And who knows, who knows, maybe you'll see a familiar face in there. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Some people say the metaverse will only be virtual, but one day firefighters will use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings faster, saving crucial seconds when lives are at risk. Doctors will use the metaverse to visualize scans and make quicker decisions in A and E. And though woolly mammoths are extinct, in the metaverse, students will go back to the ice age to visit them. The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact.