Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-16-15

Episode Date: November 17, 2015

Bill rambles about MSG show, Thanksgiving Douche and Ronda Rousey fight.

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in hisifi components. That¡¦s the place of Albertine. My last road gig, I should say. Let me drink in tea on this one, because my fucking voice is shot, as you can hear after my past weekend. But I don¡¦t have any more fucking road gigs. I don¡¦t have any more shit to do.

I think I do have to go back to New York to promote efforts for family. By the way, which is coming out on Netflix December 18th, the same day that their release in fucking Star Wars. Oh my God, Jude! I want to go see it. It¡¦s a prequel. You can look at a little cute Chewbacca.

See him when he was only fucking a puppy. Right? Is that what they do? Whatever. So we¡¦re competing against Star Wars or whatever. So I need you guys to please, I tweeted out the trailer for it. I need you guys to,

if you¡¦re ever going to be there for me, which I like to think you want all the time. I like to think you care. If you guys could retweet the trailer, show it to as many people as possible. All ages, all races, all sexes, transgenders, anybody. Just get people to watch this fucking show.

Because I think it¡¦s really funny, and I think you guys are, if you like this shit, you¡¦re going to like that shit. There you go, whatever. So that comes out December 18th. That¡¦s the big thing I got coming up. But other than that, I don¡¦t have got shit to do. I don¡¦t have got shit to do.

I just got back from the airport. LAX, I immediately came in here to do the podcast. And the second this is over, I¡¦m going downstairs, I¡¦m taking a shower, and I¡¦m putting on pajamas, and I¡¦m not taking them off until fucking Thanksgiving.

I think that¡¦s the next time I¡¦m actually have to be required to wear fucking clothes. You know, some sort of respectable clothes. You know? You can¡¦t have your fucking... My dad used to walk around in his underwear all the fucking time. It¡¦s just totally acceptable.

Tidy white. He¡¦s in a t-shirt. Do you have a dad like that? He had no chill out clothes. My dad was a suit, and he would just come home, just take his suit off, and then we¡¦d be walking around

with his dark dress socks on. And his tidy white. He always just walked around. My whole fucking... It¡¦s just completely fucking normal. In fact, the only time he ever put up pajamas was when he was sick. And it looked weird.

But anyways, that¡¦s what I was saying. The second this is over, that¡¦s it. I¡¦m jumping in the shower, and I¡¦m putting on my fucking PJs. And I¡¦m going to watch a bunch of Bruins games that I taped. I¡¦m so fucking happy right now.

With the whole way this weekend went. Madison Square Garden, from the bottom of my heart, if you were one of the many people that came out that night, that was the single greatest moment of my stand-up career. I can¡¦t even put it into words.

I can¡¦t believe that it happened. I just, from the second I got on stage to the second it ended, I did like 90 minutes. I went on stage, right? And before I went on stage, I was like, what time do I have to be off? And they were like,

you can¡¦t go past 10.30, because then the union kicks in, and then I don¡¦t make any fucking money, right? So I, you know, I went on stage a little before nine, and I got off at like 10.28. I just, I think I said at one point to the crowd that I didn¡¦t want to get off.

And they fortunately applauded, and then I just kept going, and I did every joke that I could think of, and it was fucking amazing. My apologies, though, I do have to apologize to the people that were up to my right. I thought they were drunk yelling at me.

What they were yelling was that they couldn¡¦t hear. It was evidently a couple of pockets during Verzi and Du Rosa. I felt bad for Verzi, because he thought they were heckling them and stuff, kind of messed up his set a little bit,

but he still killed. But I thought they were just drunk. I was like, oh, there's a bunch of yahoos who got a box, and now they¡¦re going to be screaming at setups, but they were actually yelling that they couldn¡¦t hear.

So from what I heard, 10 minutes into my act, they fixed it. And so you heard the last hour and 20. So my apologies, I feel real bad about that. I don¡¦t know why that happened. But anyways,

I¡¦ll take you through the whole day. I checked in on Thursday. Friday, the day before Madison Square Garden. All right? I went down to the stand to go do a spot, and I went up there

and I fucked around trying out this new material, shit that I didn¡¦t do at Madison Square Garden, and it went well and everything. And one of the owners over there was telling me to fucking make sure I enjoy Madison Square Garden

and blah, blah, blah, and all this type of shit. And the whole fucking time I was downplaying Madison Square Garden. And the reality was, because I had to, because it¡¦s fucking Madison Square Garden. If I actually thought about

the magnitude of it, I don¡¦t know what would have happened. So I just kept downplaying it and everything. And so I did a spot there, and then later on, after I did a spot at Stand Up New York, sorry, the stand, showing my age there,

I walked over to the Gramercy where they had the goddamn comedy jam. So I¡¦m drinking my fucking tea here. And I went over there and it was the best comedy jam show that I¡¦ve seen to date. Josh and all the guys had been on the road doing the show.

So the band sounded the best I ever heard them sound. I got to do a sound check there during the day. And you just feel some, I¡¦m telling you, some venues just have the magic. And you walk to,

you know, like, this is going to be a sick show. And Josh and all the guys were excited going, dude, there¡¦s going to be no chairs. Everyone¡¦s going to be standing up. There¡¦s going to be 600 people in here fucking packed.

So anyway, so we were going to close out the show doing Paradise City, because, you know, it¡¦s just great fucking anthem to end the show with. And also, what¡¦s his face? Josh was going, dude, that¡¦s your funniest fucking costume.

Like that blonde wig looks fucking ridiculous. So I¡¦m like, all right, cool. We¡¦ll do that. So everybody went on and killed Matteo Lane, crushed it singing that Whitney Houston song, I Will Always Love You, right?

Crushed it. Then Eliza Schlesinger went up there. She fucking killed it. Then I saw big J. O'Kersen, who¡¦s one of my favorite comics. Absolutely loved the guy. He¡¦s saying that song. He said Wieser, say it ain¡¦t so.

And he was so fucking relaxed and so comfortable. And big J. can actually sing. He was crushing it. And the whole fucking room was singing along with him. And I¡¦m going, look at that guy.

How is he that fucking comfortable doing that shit? He¡¦s just killing it. And I¡¦ve thinking, maybe because, you know, he opened up for all these bands, like he opened up for corn, insane clown posse.

So it¡¦s going to be really hostile crowds. He knew how to handle them. 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:04,640 And well, maybe he¡¦s just like, this is a layup. These people actually want me to hear it. So he was walking around like it was no big deal,

but it was funny. The second he got off stage, he turned into a little kid. He was just like, dude, that¡¦s like the coolest thing I ever did. He crushed it. Then Hannibal Burris came in and sang Benny and the Jets.

And by the way, everybody does stand up beforehand. You got to check the show up, you know, does all that best shit, talks about going to shows. So makes the crowd laugh. They get great stand up. And then you get to make,

watch them, you know, act like an idiot in front of a band. And then I went on in the end and did Paradise City. And it was just, it was just fucking sick. It was just such a great environment there. And everyone was standing up.

And it¡¦s also always fucking hilarious to walk out dressed up and have a fucking wig on and shit. And then just go into my act, you know, talking about people that I think are fucked up as I¡¦m standing there wearing this stupid wig and a leather vest. So we ended up having a great time.

The drums were tuned up fucking, just sounded amazing. So then I ended up hanging out with Barton and we ended up in this Irish pub, just me and him, and the bartender. And we ordered like one beer and in the course of doing, you know,

sipping on the beer, we all did like three shots and then another shot with the bartender. We just had the best fucking time. Just that New York shit. All of a sudden it¡¦s three in the morning, you go into a deli, you get a bacon egg and cheese,

all this shit you shouldn¡¦t be fucking eating. And we went back to my apartment and just sat there, you know, talking about how we were going to be at the garden the next day. So anyway, so the next day comes and now here it is. And I¡¦m still downplaying it,

going like, I¡¦m not even fucking excited for this. Maybe I over downplayed this fucking thing. So as I mentioned, during the day, I was going to have them, I rented a drum kit and I loaded it into, they had them loaded into fucking Madison Square Garden

and the goddamn comedy jam guys came over and we played for an hour and a half in an empty Madison Square Garden. It¡¦s like my manager, my agent, my father-in-law was there, my publicist, a couple of other people. That was it.

And Ben Bailey, who I knew played guitar and had a studio and everything, I actually texted him a few days earlier. I said, hey, Ben, I¡¦m in New York and we¡¦ve been trying to get together in jam for fucking like five years. And I said, hey man,

can you play on Saturday? And he goes, yeah, man. He goes, I just finished my studio at my house. You got to come by. And I just wrote back, now I got a better place. And he writes back like, what the fuck? I can¡¦t even see my place. How do you know it¡¦s better?

So I said, you want to fucking, you know, go to Madison Square Garden and he fucking freaked out. So we got a set list together and all that shit, obviously all the shit that I did with the comedy jam guys, we had that down. And Ben Bailey is like a fucking black Sabbath freak.

So we learned war pigs and we were supposed to learn one other. I don¡¦t know if we ever got to it, but so we ended up going in there, right? And there was all these guys setting up chairs and shit for the show that night. And I was like, oh man, I don¡¦t want to sit up here

and making all this noise, you know, fucking ruining this thereafter. I go, when are they going to be done setting up the chairs so we don¡¦t bug them? They go, ah, no, they¡¦re used to it. They¡¦re used to it. Go ahead and get up there and play. And we started playing.

It was fucking unbelievable. And the people working there actually got into it. They thought it was cool that we were doing it because they know we were just geeking out. And they started turning on the lights, you know, doing like a light show as we were playing in an empty fucking Madison Square Garden. And by the end of it,

they had the video guy comes down and he starts filming us. So I guess on the last song, we were up on the jumbo drum. I think we closed with Paradise City again. But we did like Custard Pie. We did war pigs. Welcome to the jungle.

Dr. Feelgood. My publicist also played drums. He went up there. They did Wanted Dead or Alive. Just all this arena rock shit. My agent went up there, had to drag him up there. He went up and he played. And I¡¦m going to post some of these pictures too

that we had a photographer who was going to be there for that night. He posted them and we had the best fucking time. And I really think that it helped me for my show that night because I kind of went in there and got a feel for the room, got my stink in there a little bit, you know. And just got on the train

and went back to my apartment. And Neil was getting ready. And I was just sitting there as I was waiting for her to get ready. And I was drinking a Budweiser, right? And I never drink before shows, ever. I don¡¦t give a fuck how far ahead it is, right? So she just goes,

you having a beer? And I was like, yeah. She goes, you never drink before shows? I was like, no. No, I don¡¦t. Just felt like having one. She goes, are you nervous? And I was like, no.

And I don¡¦t know why. I don¡¦t know why. I just, I wasn¡¦t nervous. I should have been, but I wasn¡¦t. And I went down to the arena and everybody was there. Had a bunch of people in the dressing room hanging out, talking almost right up until we went on. Usually I¡¦m like, get the fuck out of here

for the last 10 minutes. Let me be alone with my thoughts. I just, you know what it was? I did those two weeks on tour, through the Midwest. And then I did that run through Pennsylvania and down in Florida. So I was just, I was on my game

and I just felt like it was going to be a good time. So, so the moment of truth comes, right? Verzi shows up, of course, you know, wearing his sweater and his fucking Jordans or whatever the fuck he had. I forget what he had, Air Max. DeRosa showed up with wearing this fucking hipster old lady sweater,

which I actually made fun of when I got on stage. So Joe Barton, it goes out and he does the voice of God. You know, I got the video for that. I'm going to post that too. It was fucking hilarious watching. He got people so fucking amped up, right? So Verzi goes up, he does his thing.

DeRosa does his thing. And then they, and then we showed the trailer for the first time ever. We showed the F is for family trailer, which I literally had to walk into the tunnel and block my ears because I didn't want to handle if they weren't liking it. So after it was done,

I heard it got a nice round of applause and the Netflix people, everybody was excited that it done well. I hope I'm not boring you guys with this shit. I feel like I'm babbling here. And then it was the moment of truth going on stage to do stand-up comedy at Madison Square Garden's sold out fucking show.

And Verzi intro'd me. And I don't know, I just walked out there and I forget what I said, but it just was one of those things. It's like you hit your first shot and you're like, it's going to be a good game. And for the next 90 minutes, I don't think I've ever been more present.

I just totally fucking enjoyed every last second of it. I did every joke that I wanted to do. I was improvising. I was fucking around. I think I trashed Babe Ruth at one point and me and Yanis Papas had this big debate about it. And I ended up telling this story about me and Verzi smoking a cigar in his garage.

That's how I ended. And it was over and I outro'd the outro music. Oh, I went on stage to the song remains the same because the name of the show is Does Anybody Remember Laughter? It was just like a fucking perfect, it was a perfect night. And then the outro music was Frank Sinatra singing New York, New York, which I thought was perfect. It was a nod to, you know, they played at Yankee Stadium

and everything and Madison Square Gardens and such a legendary venue. And I got off, dude. And it was just, it was unbelievable. Everybody that I care about was backstage, was flipping out saying what a great show it was. And yeah, and I was worried. The only thing I was worried about was that the next day

I was going to have a let down. Like I was going to have that whole now what and, you know, all the big, you know, it's like after you open all the gifts on Christmas, you know, that feeling of melancholy. I thought I was going to feel that. I didn't, the next day I woke up, I just felt great. I felt satisfied. I felt at peace.

I was just like, if I never get to do that again, I couldn't have done it any better. And I enjoyed every last fucking second of it. It was the night of my life. And of course I recorded it. And I will be putting that one out on vinyl. My act is not ready to be a special yet, but that will definitely be,

and I'm putting out every fucking second of that. So it might be a double album. I'll put that out hopefully after my next special. But it was, it was incredible. The only part of the night that wasn't fun was when we went to the after party. One of the people that I work with, goes to actually dates,

I don't want to say that business, dates this guy who's a big fucking fan of the UFC. So somehow he had the UFC feed on his computer. And Nia was screaming, going, Bill, get over here, get over here. Rhonda's having a tough time, blah, blah. And I was just talking to some people. I didn't want to be rude.

And then I just saw Nia go, oh my God, oh my God, put her hand over her mouth. And I went over there and I saw the replayer and Rhonda getting knocked out. And I got, I haven't had a feeling like that since I watched Tyson get knocked out. It's just something like, you know, I don't know. I love greatness.

And I didn't, I didn't want to see, you know, I didn't want to see that. Congratulations to Holly Holm. I'm saying her name right until she doesn't kick me in the fucking jaw and neck. But that was fucking brutal, brutal to watch. And it's one of the reasons why I have such respect for fighters. They know that they keep fighting eventually, you know,

on any given night, even if somebody's not as good as you, you can just get caught. And I hate when something like that happens. And then people say, yeah, you know, you know, what's up now bitch and blah, blah, blah. Like you ever had the balls to fucking go in there. I obviously think Ron is going to be back. I mean, she's only 28 years old, you know, whatever.

She got caught. I actually think now she'll probably become a better fighter because that whole fucking pressure of being undefeated is gone. And she can just focus on what she needs to do. But that was fucking brutal, man. That was really brutal. And actually reminded me, I had this flashback, aside from the fact when I watched Tyson get knocked out

by Buster Douglas. I watched that of my buddy's house up in his bedroom, right? We were like, I think we were underage. Yeah, we were underage. No, we weren't. No, we weren't. I can't even remember how long ago. I just remember we were drinking beers in his bedroom, right?

And he had this fucking TV in his bedroom, which was fucking ridiculous back in the day. If you had a fucking TV in your bedroom, it was insane. Most houses had one TV and maybe a little kitchen TV. And we were watching it on this fucking thing. And I just remember sitting there with just a hand over my mouth. I couldn't fucking believe it. You just never thought Tyson was going to lose.

And I felt the same way about Rhonda. But that's happened two times on Big Gigs for me, that there's been a big fight where something unbelievable happened. Sorry, drinking the tea here. The first one was the first time I ever did comics come home, which I believe was the second one. Afterwards, the after party was in this bar and they had the Tyson Holyfield fight.

The one where Tyson was biting Holyfield's fucking ears. And, you know, the bar was loud so you couldn't hear the announcers. So he had no idea what was going on. And the second time when like Holyfield was like grabbing, you know, put his like gloves up, like trying to grab his ear and he was, did that fucking temper tantrum almost like a little kid jumping up and down. We were like, what the fuck's going on with them, man? It looks like he's like on fire or something.

And then somebody finally just goes, dude, did he? Like, dude, did he fucking bite his ear? Right? And then all of a sudden it just became that. And then, you know, when he went to the, it was kind of cool to actually see what the sound down. And then they focused in on his ear, the blood, and the little bit taken out of his ear. And everybody in the crowd just going like, dude, what the fuck?

And that was beyond a surreal night. It was the first like big gig. The first time I ever met Dennis Leary. And there was all these famous guys on the show and Leary knew all these hockey guys. Camille was there fucking. Chris Nyland was there. Rick Middleton.

I couldn't fucking believe it. And then I'm watching this sick fight and I'm watching them reacting like regular fight fans. Like, dude, did he fucking bite him in the air? Like, well, you know, just acting regular. I got to admit that was really fucking tough to see. That was tough to see. Ugh, that fucking picture of just taking that shot, man. I hate seeing that.

Happens to just about every other than Rocky Marciano. That happens to every great fighter. So anyway, so that was that night. All right, so here we go. My Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So Friday, I get to fucking do the goddamn comedy jam in front of 600 standing room only people at the Gramercy Theater. Saturday, I jam during the day in an empty Madison Square Garden

and have this set of my fucking life at this most famous arena and all that shit, the Mecca and all that crap that I always hate that they say it, you know, as a Celtic fan. But Boston Guard doesn't exist anymore. And then Sunday, how do you top it? How do you top it? Where do you go? I went to the Giants Patriots game. Solaris mean a buddy of mine.

We ubered over there, right? And we knew like another like two or three other groups of two that were going there. We were all looking for a tailgate. We were trying to meet up with each other. We just showed up like the guy just pulls up to like the exit off of the highway and we just get out there, you know, stumbling up the fucking hill with a 12 pack in our hand. And they let us into this, this gated area where they had tailgates. I felt like I was in like a tense city and we were just wandering around like two men without a country.

And we finally just ended up sitting on like this Jersey barrier. Oh, I remember what happened. A couple more of my friends showed up and they were like, did you find a tailgate? I was like, nah, I tweeted it out, but nobody got back to me about letting us crash the tailgate. And my buddy was like, well, when we walked in, these people asked us if we had any beers. So we walked back over and we literally traded beers for food and joined their tailgate. It was like, we were like fur trappers. Instead of having pelts, we had like fucking Bud Light and shit and cooked us up some burgers.

They were all giant fans and, you know, breaking up balls about losing the Super Bowl. But, you know, we were cool. We were like, yeah, do you guys fucking on us? We haven't beat you since the end of 2007. There's nothing we can say. I fucking love Eli, you know, he's a big, he's a fucking gamer. But I hate him because he always breaks our heart. So we fucking go in, we watch the game.

I can't even intelligently talk what was going on. I was still flying so fucking high from MSG and I was drinking, of course. And there was this little girl kept giving a shit, tearing up stuff and throwing it at us. And we weren't being assholes. We laughed at it at first that she just kept giving a shit. She was like seven. You know, at some point you're looking at the parents like, can you not have her act behaving this way? What are you trying to do?

She's like going to be one of the worst sports fans ever. She's going to get one of her boyfriends knocked the fuck out when she gets older because she's going to behave this way, but the person did nothing. So we watched the game and I thought once again, you know, once when we scored that touchdown, they called that bullshit holding call. I was like, here we go. Here we go. What's going to happen?

But finally Tom Brady had some Eli football. God luck. He threw a fucking pick to end the game and they dropped it. So there you go. I said Eli was due. I said the man was fucking due to have a game where the football doesn't bounce his way or whatever. But that's not like he screwed up or anything. He didn't throw a fucking pick.

He actually threw a touchdown. Great play by Malcolm Butler. I didn't get to really see the replay. I saw it on the Jumbotron, but I'm sure if I was watching at home, I'd probably say, you know, back in the day that would have been considered a touchdown. But who knows what these whole new fucking football move rules or whatever. But it was great to it was great to see them fucking win the game. And it was great to see, you know, to be able to say that I saw Brady and Eli play against each other live.

I saw Brady and Peyton Manning play each other live way back in 04 when Manning was still on the Colts. It hadn't won a Super Bowl yet. So that was a great one to see. But it all paled in comparison to doing Madison Square Garden. So there you go. There's a 24 minute story of my fucking last three days. I got to read some advertising here. But once again, I can't thank the people that showed up enough.

That that was it was unfucking believable. You know, it's funny when I left to. Verzi was was, you know, all amped up and shit. Now, you know, I was flying high. It was just sick. We walked over to the after party right down like the streets in New York. And Verzi was flipping out going, dude, you realize what you just did in that? You realize how hard you realize?

And I was just like, yeah, yeah, it's the best I can fucking do. And then we went in after party. We drank, we smoked cigars. It was fucking sick. And then ended the night with a bacon egg and cheese. It was the shit. It's the shit. And now I'm on vacation.

I remember somebody said to me, oh, now what? Now I'm trying to put that in my head. Now what? It's like, what do you mean now what? Now what? Now I enjoy my evening. No, no, what's next? I don't give a fuck.

Like you're not supposed to be able to top something like that. What you're supposed to go in there is enjoy every fucking second of it and do the best you can possibly do, which is what I did. So I am told there is no what's next. You know, I couldn't believe when the person asked me that. It's just like, do you understand how much I love doing stand up? I do it right now for us six people. And if I got a new bit out of it, I'd still be excited.

There was going to be some kind of fucking ruining. Oh, my dog back. Hey, buddy. Look who's home. Oh, Cleo. Get down. Jesus Christ. Hey, what's going on?

All right. All right. All right. Get down. Get down. Oh, Cleo. Hang on a second. I haven't seen her in two weeks.

I got to give her a proper hello. What do you say there, buddy? Come here. What's up, buddy? What's up, buddy? What's up? You got a bath? Look at you.

Yeah. Okay. All right. I'm doing the podcast. I'm doing the podcast. Sorry. Sorry. I'm back.

I'm back. Look at you, huh? The old blue bear. The old blue bear is back in the building. I haven't seen my dog in two weeks. You and I, lady. Cleo, you and I are going to go on some fucking hikes, my friend. I'm in town for the rest of the year.

What do you think about that? You know, I put on some pounds and I'm going to get back in pit bull shape. And I'm not talking about the rapper. All right, buddy. Can you get over there and lay down, Cleo? Can you go lay down, please? Go on. Go lay down.

Go lay down. No. I'll play with you in a minute. Hey, get your nose out of there. Go lay down. Down. Sorry. Is this even a podcast anymore?

Cleo, get over there. Go on. Go on. Get over there. Lay down. You can't keep jumping up here. All right. Let's do some reads for this week.

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I've been on the road. But whatever. I'm sure they're great. I'm sure they tell time. You know? Check them out. It was this little crowd-funded brand that is revolutionizing the watch game. They started to get a lot of press from GQ, Playboy, Hypebeast, Ask Men.

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Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. B-U-R-R. That's Stamps.com. Enter Burr. You know what, Cleo? You're too goddamn cute. Why don't you come up here for the rest of the podcast? All right.

Lay down. Lay down. Lay down. Thank you. Oh, you smell so good. Yes, you do. Okay. Okay.

All right. I know. I missed you too. Okay. Are you done? All right. Let's read some questions for this week. She'll calm down in a minute.

Military response. Bill, I'm not affiliated with any political party. Read extremist. Whatever anybody says. I'm not a Democrat or a Republican. Hold on. You're just going to make all kinds of fucking noise up here, aren't you? All right.

I hate groups just as much as you do. I'm not looking forward to hearing people argue about proper responses to recent attacks in Paris because everyone talks like they have military background. That being said, what is the solution? It seems like it's always a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation with military action. In one sense, I find that comforting knowing that it's fucked up either way. It means we're just human beings getting by thoughts.

All right. What do I think? Well, obviously, you know, what happened in Paris is fucking brutal. And I don't see how that, you know, even if I agreed with the political agenda of whoever the hell did it, like, that's not the way to get people to pay attention to your plight to do stuff like that. Now, having said that, I'm not going to say that I'm not a Democrat. Now, having said that, I live in a superpower and I know that our bombs don't always land

on the right people. So I understand why countries don't get along with each other. And I've been to Paris twice and it's my favorite city in the world. And I think the people are great. And it's, it's just brutal. Eagles of death metal were on stage. Thank God they were all right. But just, I can't imagine what, I mean, nobody was in that building.

It's going to be the same. I mean, it's just like, I can't even imagine. It's just, I actually, I didn't even want to talk about this stuff. It's so fucking brutal. But unfortunately, I think that human beings are hairless apes that can speak and, and we're doomed to destroy one another. So try to enjoy every fucking day before we do. I mean, that's the only thing.

I mean, there's no, there's no stopping all the shit that's going on in the fucking world. We're never going to get along. We're just not going to, you know, there's no solution in the Middle East. Whatever side you're on, those people hate each other for fucking ever. The only way, you know, the only way you could fucking do it is you'd have to eliminate everybody but like babies and you'd have to start over again. So all, nobody told them the fucking stories about why you should hate these people, right?

But even if you left the fucking babies alone, because this is this big fucking thing where they go, you know, a baby comes into the world and a baby isn't racist and a baby isn't this and a baby isn't that. But you know what a baby is? It's a fucking human being. All right. And so one of those babies eventually is going to be a sociopath. One of them is going to be an egomaniac, is going to give into jealousy and envy, and

it would just start all over again in different parts of the world for different fucking reasons and people would not like people because of how they looked. And it's just how we're wired. I think everything has a beginning, a middle, and the end. We're closer to the fucking end, unfortunately. And, you know, that's why I don't watch the fucking news anymore. That's why I don't understand why it is the way it is and there is no fucking solution. I know that's depressing and enjoy your holidays, everybody.

I just, what are you going to do? What are you going to do to stop these people? Do my dog just keeps wagging your tail? That's right. You're sitting on a couch with your fucking dog, man. Right? That's it. Playing music with some friends of yours, doing a comedy show, going after a dream, just going

after what the fuck you want in life, that's all you can do. You can do that and you can recycle and you can try to use less materials, but other than that, what do you really think? And all the years of watching the fucking, the debates between Democrats and Republicans, do you think they're ever going to fucking agree? Do you think they're ever going to be like, no, I see your point. I know if you give the people atop more money, they're going to create jobs. Oh, I get what you're doing.

Or the people on Republicans are going to be like, oh, you know what? Maybe we are taking too much. Maybe we should fucking do this or do that. There's no fucking solution. It's just like when I was in New York, they were talking about all the homeless people and people with mental problems and shit that's just on the street. The police chief goes, the solution was stop giving them money. And it's just like, all right.

And then what? They just go, okay, well, I guess the city isn't giving money and they're going to do like what? Walk to Philadelphia with no money and no food. They're going to get desperate. You know, and then if you give them food and money, what does that mean? Then they get their life back together. I have no fucking idea.

I just, I don't know. I don't think there's any solution. And that's depressing and it's not even funny. That's why I don't talk about that type of shit. So moving along to the next happy fucking topic. All right. Boyfriend won't shut up and let me listen to the game. All right.

Bill, I've been in a relationship. What do you have fucking? Did you marry a hipster? What do you want to put on the sci-fi channel? Bill, I've been in a relationship with my wonderful boyfriend for a year. I'm 29 and he is 33. That's a good age split right there. He's a wonderful man, treats me very well and we are very in love.

But he has no respect when I try to listen to the game. I'm a Die Hard Denver Bronco fan and we live in Chicago. It is Sunday and the game is not being aired locally because they're showing your lame-less Patriots instead. Lame-ass Patriots. I get it. We're undefeated and you're not. So it annoys you.

I get it. So you attack my team. My team of Patriots. How can you not like the Patriots? They don't support the troops. So my only option is to listen to the game on Denver Bronco's radio network. You could also get the NFL package. You could not go out drinking one weekend.

You could use that money. You could watch them every week. Anyway, she goes, but my boyfriend makes it impossible for me to listen to it. He keeps playing his stupid videos during the game. Talks a lot like the game isn't even on and he even broke out into a song and started vacuuming. This is not a one-time occurrence. Last week it was on and he kept switching over to other games.

His sports are hockey and baseball and I never once interfered with his ability to watch the Black Hawks and the Cubs. Yet he makes it impossible for me to listen to the Broncos. The only sports team I really care about. Jesus Christ, this guy's an asshole. He doesn't seem to have any respect for my team in sports fandom. It's surprising because he's so respectful otherwise. How do I handle this going forward?

I always leave and go to the bar because I know he makes it impossible for me to watch the game or listen and listen to watch the game. That's one of them. That's one solution. Why don't you just write down on a piece of paper. If you don't shut the fuck up, I will never blow you again. And then flip it over and say, I'm serious. After he goes, are you serious right now?

I am serious. Well, if you have you sat down and talked to him about it, you know, I don't know. See, then let's just see. Look at this right here. This is a little tension here. Had fields in the course. What do you do? And if he doesn't listen to you, then you're going to get resentful.

Listen, I would just politely ask him not to do it. If he does it again, the next time one of his games are on, I would vacuum. I just keep turning the vacuum on, on and off, on and off. And if you do that to him for like five minutes, he's going to get it. I think you got to go childish here. If you haven't talked to him yet, I think you got to go childish. You know, there's always room to act like an absolute fucking baby. Don't ever forget that.

And it's fun. All right. Thanksgiving dilemma. Hey, Billy, so I will get, I will get right to the details. My family is hosting Thanksgiving this year. Oh, geez. We have five people in our family. Mom, dad and three brothers.

I am the middle child. We have grandparents for both my mom and dad side coming along with my grandparents. We have cousins coming. All right. Now here is my dilemma. Here's my dilemma comes into play. My cousin got married a while back and his wife has asked if her mom could come to our Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, Jesus Christ. You know, there's something to be said when you've lived that long and you don't have a Thanksgiving party to go to that probably means you're a fucking asshole. My mom had to go. My mom had gotten into a little dispute with her like a few months ago and my mom fucking hates her. Jesus Christ. You can't do that, people. You can't get into a fight with your fucking in-laws. You can't do it.

You can't get in a fight with your, I don't even know what you call them. If your brother or sister gets married, you can't get into it with their fucking in-laws. You just can't do it. You got to bite your tongue and just be like, I'm going to sit here in my sweater. I'm going to smile and wave and this is going to be over. And then I'm going to go back to the life that I'm leading, that I built. And I'll deal with this person once a fucking year, right? Why is there always a cunt, male or female?

There's always that one fucking person just doesn't know how to hang, doesn't know how to be a good person. You know what I mean? Like, if you're annoying people on Thanksgiving, which is who's kidding? That's just the greatest day. You're hanging with the people you love. You're eating way too much food. It's all delicious. Everybody from all different families and shit is breaking out their secret recipes.

There's football on. There's video games. You got the fire going. There is no fucking reason to even remotely be a cunt on that day or for the whole weekend. It's just a, it's just a, it's the greatest fucking weekend. College kids come back Wednesday night. Everybody fucking hangs out. You get to try to fucking hook up with people that you liked back in the day when you were in high school, right?

By the way, you got to do that Wednesday night hookup, man. You got to do that until you're like fucking 30 and everybody starts disappearing. Then you got to realize you're too fucking old. And then maybe I should go out and fucking, you know, maybe I should go out and get married myself or whatever. But right through your 20s, you got to hit that every fucking time. In fact, you know, we did a great rant about that. The one man thrill ride. The one man thrill rides got a great one.

I'll try to find that video. It's got a great video about that. But anyways, yeah, there's no reason to be a cunt. I just don't fucking get it. And there's nothing to like your mom needs to set aside her shit. He had one fucking argument. All right. Let me go back and read.

I already forget. Now this is just your, your mom's son's mother-in-law. You have to get along with her. My cousin got me. Oh, your cousin. Ah, it's a little distant. Just just be fucking civil. You know, it's funny is when men don't like each other, it's way more civil.

That's a family event like that because we solve shit with violence. You know what I mean? No one wants to get involved in that. But women, you know, are more mature, I guess, so they don't solve shit with violence. So all it is is dirty looks and fucking, you know, Sasha, your sides or whatever the fuck you call them. Side glances and shit. They just all day long. They don't give a fuck.

They're just being, just openly being rude to one another. Oh my God. You know what you should do? You should, you should have like a fucking, I should just have an area to put people like that. All right. You two douchebags don't get along. So you can, you guys can both eat. You can eat Thanksgiving dinner standing up outside in the backyard.

That's where you should stick them. Right. The fuck out of here. All right. My mom had gotten to a little dispute with her a few months ago and my mom fucking hates her. She's the type of lady that just sits on her ass and doesn't help making food, doing the dishes, cleaning up or anything. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

There's always one of those. We know that, yeah. And then fucking goes to the bar and takes out the most expensive shit, doesn't finish it. You know what I mean? Dumps it down the fucking sink. We know this from the few times we hung out with her at family gatherings. My cousin's wife's mom has no other place to go for Thanksgiving. Yeah.

Why do you think that is? Because she doesn't help making the food. She doesn't do the dishes. She doesn't clean up or anything. She's a douche. Oh my God. I fucking hate this person. But honestly, none of us really know her or nor do we want her to come and make our day awkward.

I guess I just need to ask advice on how we respond to my cousin and tell him that that bitch isn't invited. We don't know how to do it without hurting feelings or making it weird the next time we see them. You can bring Nia in on this one if she knows how to set this bitch down easy. You know what? I'm going to go get her. Hang on one second. Hang on one second. Hey Nia, I need your help on this one.

All right, even though you're still mad at me for my rude comment earlier. Can you come over? This is recording live. Cleo, get down. Get down, buddy. I'm sorry. Get over there. Lay down.

Go on. What is it? All right. Come over here. So long story short, this guy's got a dilemma. He's having Thanksgiving at his house. Okay? So here's his dilemma.

His cousin got married a while back and his cousin's wife asked if her mom can come along. All right? And evidently, she's a douche. She doesn't help with the cooking. She doesn't help with the cleaning. She just sits around. She's a jerk. Okay.

And guess what? She has no place to go for Thanksgiving. Can you believe it? Right. Can you believe this jerk? Come over here near the microphone. I know. I know.

Just really quickly. Oh my God. You're so mad at me right now. So what's the question? So how can he, how can he just in a nice way let this woman down easy? Like how can he just say, listen, we'd love to have your mother over here if she wasn't such a jerk and she wasn't going to ruin Thanksgiving. So wait.

So the cousin is coming. The cousin was invited. Yep. And he's bringing his wife. They're both invited. Yes. They just don't want them to bring his cousin's wife's mom. Yeah.

That's an impossible situation. I feel you though, because you want to be like, well, it's my house. I can have whoever I want over. And if I don't want this person over, I shouldn't. But the thing is with the holidays and family, and this is the cousin's wife's mom, that's when you're not going to be able to win. So I feel like you can't turn them down and say, no, they can't come because that will create a bigger problem than it's worth.

And so what does she do? She just doesn't like, my mom got into a little dispute with her a few months ago and my mom fucking hates her. Oh, it's brutal. Okay. You know, I love that you have to be like the bigger person and just allow this fucking stick in the mud to come over and ruin this person's Thanksgiving. I really feel for this person, right?

This fucking blows. I think what you can do is, especially since the mom doesn't get along with her, I think it may be one of those things like, you know what? We're really only prepared for like this many people. But they had the fight and the falling out. They're going to know what's up. They're going to know why she's not. Somebody says, can I bring my mom?

You have to say yes. You know, your mom could stay at home. That's the thing about it. And the thing is, I would, I think maybe this is more advice for the next time. Next time you can't invite your cousin over. There it is. That's what it is. This year's Thanksgiving is going to stink, but the rest of them won't because your cousin

can't come the next time. Yeah, just, I mean, just ignore that woman for now. If she doesn't help or whatever, it's, you know, whatever. You got to have fun with it. Yeah. And you can also say, oh, hey, um, you know, whatever her name is Susan. Do you mind, you know, gathering a couple of those plates for us and, you know, just kind of like, just throw that in there.

But if she's continuing to be that way, I'm sorry, but your cousins can't come to your Thanksgiving anymore because she's going to be a part of the package. And if they bring it up, just say, you know what, to be honest, our mom does really get along with her and we feel like it gets uncomfortable. And, you know, maybe they can come by for pie at the end of the night or something. Maybe we can bring it out to the car and just hand it to you. Okay. As they're driving by, as they're driving by, just stick your hand out the window and

I'll just have it on a, I'll have it on a plate. You know, we used to do it when there was somebody like that around. We would, there will be some sort of inside joke that whenever the person was behaving the way that we hated, it was the inside joke with the other people or you would just like sing a song, you know, hey, can you clean up the dishes and she doesn't do it. And then you just walk away and you just sing like, just once. Can we try? And it just becomes, and it actually makes it fun.

But I really think you should just do the thing where you ask her to help out. Hey, do you mind grabbing the plates and setting them up? You're so good at that too. I do do that really well. I'm really good at like, oh, do you mind just grabbing this for me really quickly? It's all laced with, with, hey, do you mind not being such a selfish douche? Exactly. Like it's, you know, it's, it's customary when you're invited to somebody's place over

to dinner or anything. Can I help you with the dishes? Do you need anything? Like that's the custom, even if the person's like, no, no, no, no, I got it. I got it. I got it. It's, it's customary. It's an etiquette thing to at least ask if you can help out or bring wine or something

like that. Yeah. And here's a major red flag. If you're that fucking old and you have nowhere to go for Thanksgiving and there wasn't some boating accident that all your family was on, like, how do you not have anywhere to go? Nobody wants to spend Thanksgiving with you. Pick up a dirty plate, you selfish whore. Well, the thing is, like, the cousin and the wife and the cousin's mother-in-law, they,

they can't do their own thing separately. I mean, maybe not. Maybe it's, well, it's all about the big family gathering, but I think that's, I think you just got to grin and bear it. I think you should definitely gently suggest to her, hey, do you mind grabbing this, just little stuff, not crazy, because then she'll be on to you and it'll be like a real big blowout. And you don't want that, but just subtly.

Hey, uh, take turkey douche. You mind, uh, keep mine. Exactly. But next year, yeah, just can't invite it. You know what? We're actually going to do a really small Thanksgiving this year. It's just going to be me and the wife and my mom, like, no assholes. We're just doing a small this year.

You have to be very gentle about it. But that's how you get around it, is that you just don't invite the people that are attached to the people that you don't like, which sucks. But that's how it goes. Here's the other thing. Watch, watch, watch, watch your alcohol intake because the truth might be coming out later on. You might say something.

The alcohol will start going like, oh, say it. Say it. Fuck it. It's your day. It's your Thanksgiving too. All right. I will do that. Okay.

Uh, who do I make this out to? Can I give a shout out to, uh, can we shout out Justin? Absolutely. Shout out to Justin Long and his brother, Christian Long, um, they listened to the podcast and they're awesome. Justin, you know what I found out the next day after we met each other? You and I have the exact same birthday, the exact same birthday, month, day, year. How crazy is that?

And why was Justin there? He was there because he does a voice on Ethister Family coming to Netflix on December 18th. Yeah. There you go. And he's been so great, man. He tweeted out, uh, you know, he was tweeting the hell out of the, uh, the teaser and all that. And, uh, he, he does the voice of Kevin and he is fucking hilarious.

And it's one of my favorite characters to write for once I saw what Justin was going to do with it. So, uh, uh, we had a lot of fun hanging with them. Well, Nia, thank you so much. The lovely Nia, everybody. Thank you so much. Yeah. Coming on the podcast to support, to support you at the Madison Square Garden.

You were incredible. You were amazing. You were in the zone. I was very proud of you. Thank you. Thank you. You know, I'm telling you, I'm, Nia, I'm uploading this and I'm taking a shower and then I'm putting on my pajamas.

So that's it. That's it. It's over. All right. One more question here. One more question. I got to get through here. Oh, I got to feed you.

Oh yeah. Get Cleo some food. All right. Gay rumors. Dear Billy Twinkle Toes. My friends and I are freshmen in college at different schools. Recently, he hooked up with this girl with this lady. It was after the party had died and everyone was cleared out.

She crawled into his bed, Jesus Christ, and started jacking him off. And that's how it happened. So what happened? He had a hand baby. It's kind of open ended there. I was visiting that weekend and I watched her walk into his room. The rest I heard second hand from him, no pun intended. The next day she started talking like they were in a relationship.

He explained that he wasn't into being in a relationship aside from the fact that she's a slob. He wasn't into the idea anyways with any girl. She responded by telling a group of people that he asked her to be his girlfriend to cover that he was gay and that he needed to meet, needed her to meet his parents. Can you? Oh, she just made that up. Can you believe this chick?

That's sociopathic behavior at slander. My question obviously is what should he do? He's not a feeble soul. He's actually really quick-witted and if he really wanted to, he could clear the air publicly. It's one of those situations where if he lets it all fade away, it could end clean. On the other hand, fuck that. She shouldn't get off that easily. She could do it again and the next guy could respond with violence or suicide or some shit.

What's the move here? You know what the move here is to fucking watch that crazy train just go down the street and disappear over the hill. Fuck her. That's fucking hilarious. It's hilarious that she said that, that she's a maniac. Why would you do that? You know what I mean?

It gives a shit. How easy is it to play? Are you gay? Well, I mean, I am a sharp dresser. You got to give me that. Who knows? Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not.

I don't know. Hey, ladies, you want to see if you can un-gay me like they do at the fucking weird churches when they try to cure you of being gay? I would just have fun with it. Who gives a fuck? Honestly, who gives a shit? Some slob says that you're gay. All right.

Well, I'm not and I can prove it. Show me your tits, ladies. Oh, look at ol' Frederick standing up in a tension. Yeah, this is like childish. Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? What people think? Yeah.

I mean, that's a joke. She's going to do it to somebody else? Yeah. Okay. And then what? She keeps going around. Oh, that guy doesn't like me. He doesn't like me because he's gay.

I don't know. Maybe she's that much of an egomaniac that she thinks the only way that you could not 100% be into her is because that you liked men, because evidently she's just the most amazing fucking woman of all time. Yeah, when people walk around, they say shit like that to you. I mean, if you have like a business and somebody's trying to say like, yeah, hey, I got food poisoning there. I mean, you got to put a stop to that, but, you know, hell hath no fury like a woman's

scorn. Like you haven't hooked up with the woman dated a woman, you know, unless you've had a woman go around and just make up shit about you and say a bunch of fucking stuff to try and hurt you. That's what they do. She wants to beat the shit out of them, but she can't. So she's doing what women do is they, you know, they just go around saying shit about each other.

That's what they do, you know, this woman is acting completely normally. This is what completely normally completely normal. This is normal chick psycho fucking behavior. I think it's fucking hilarious. And oh, yeah, we'll just let it go. Yeah. We can't let her get away with this. You can't go vengeance.

Vengeance never, then never ends well. It never ends well because they're, then they're going to come back and get their vengeance on your vengeance. And then eventually the only way to end it is somebody's got to kill somebody, right? That's basically what happens. Is it? I don't know if it is. All I know is it's the end of the podcast and I am on fucking vacation and I want to

thank everybody over all the years are coming out to my stand up shows. Anybody ever heckled me? Anybody ever laughed? Anybody who just fucking showed up got a free fucking ticket. Because all of those shows led to the one that I had Saturday night. What a fucking way to end. I got one more gig that I am doing New Year's Eve out here in LA, but it's not a road gig. It's going to be great.

It's going to be the night before the Rose Bowl. It's going to be the four horsemen coming together again. It's going to be fucking awesome, but I don't know, I hope I was able to convey it. I can't even tell you what a, how just fucking thrilled I was. I still can't believe that it happened, but I know it happened because I was totally present and I enjoyed the whole thing. And you know what's great? The light was so in my eyes.

I couldn't see how big it was. I couldn't see everybody, but I could look up and see the lights up at the top. And one of the coolest things ever, my comedy career, at one point I was doing this Illuminati act out like they were all sitting at a table talking about the population problem. And I actually sat down on the stool and I was doing this creepy fucking thing about them, thinking about how they could get rid of people. And I was able to bring the whole fucking room down like I was in a fucking comedy club. And as I was doing it, I was actually thinking like, how fucking sick is this right now?

It's like 12,000 people listening to me. I'm sitting down on a stool imitating some lunatic in the Illuminati. How fucking fun is that? It was indescribable. And anyways, please tell everybody you know about Ephesus for family. I would really appreciate it. After Saturday night, nobody owes me anything, but if you'd like to, I would appreciate it because I think it's going to be a great show, a great TV series for many years to come with

any luck. All right? That's it. So I'm thankful early this year, man. I'm thankful for all you guys listening to this podcast and all that stuff. That's it. So go fuck yourselves. As always, I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Check in on you. I'm going to go take a shower, put on my PJs and play with my fucking dog. All right? That's it. I'll see you. Now at Proximus, the perfect deals with a OnePlus 11 for €0 at a mobile subscription. €0? That's not going to happen.

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