Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-18-13

Episode Date: November 19, 2013

Bill rambles about the Dakota's, pussy eating mayors and dealing with a crazy psychic mom.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, November 18th, 2013. How the hell are you? How's it going? I'm going to try to fucking energy my way through the energy. We got to find ourselves a new kind of fuckaboo. I'm wiped out. Why are you wiped out, Bill? All you do is jump around like a fucking monkey on stage. That's what you do for your money, for your legal... Well, you know what? I've been doing it in every fucking state in the goddamn union this year and I'm wiped out. I have officially wiped the fuck out. I had a 6.20 a.m. flight out of Wichita, Kansas. He says, hey, wait. Do we have ourselves a bar burner down there last night? And landed here at 7.38 on one of those little-ass fucking planes because nobody goes to Wichita.

Not directly, anyways. So I was on a little-ass plane. We landed on a little-ass plane. And you know what happens to little-ass planes? They don't get to pull up to the gate. Aw, you're too small. You're going to hurt yourself, little-ass plane. So we're sitting out there on the fucking taback. Right? This is an old-school plane. They tried to paint it like a new United plane, but they still had the U that was from, you know, like the 70s. It was a fucking old-ass plane, okay? I don't know if they took it over to Gas Monkey Garage and they put a new fucking engine in it. I don't know what, but we made it. But it was one of those deals where they opened the door and the stairs are part of the fucking door. So we walk out of that, and then we get on the goddamn plane, out of the plane, a bus, the bus to the fucking airport.

The airport then the bags came up, bullshit. So I am, but you know something? I completed the Red State tour. All right? It was supposed to be a nice, wonderful summer jaunt through the Red States of this country, through some of them. By the way, there's a lot of people giving me shit going to Nebraska as a Red State too. Iowa as a Red State, it's a fucking Red State. You know what? Go fuck yourself, okay? I got something for you. I got something for all you cunts out there who keep giving me shit. Why don't you fucking come to my- What do you got against my fucking state? What do you got against coming to one of my- I've been in over 50 cities. 50 goddamn cities. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do to try to find you fuckers. All right? You want to hear a quick little rundown? You want to know what all these cities have in common?

Honolulu, Seattle, Boise, Bozeman, San Francisco, San Jose, Los Angles, Burbank, Coachella, Palm Springs, Napa Valley, Santa Juana, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Boulder, Colorado Springs, El Paso, San Antonio, Austin, Dallas, Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, Grand Rappers, Royal Oak, Chicago, Kansas City, St. Louis, Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Huntsville, Morgantown, Philadelphia, Atlantic City, Red Bank, New York City, Montville, Newport, Hyannis, Boston, Hampton Beach, Washington, J.C. Charleston, Atlanta, Athens, Birmingham, Tallahassee, Tampa, and Miami. And Tulsa and fucking Wichita. You know what they all have in common? I fucking dance like a monkey there for an hour. So if I didn't hit your state or your city, I don't know what the fuck else I got to do. I'm whapped out, as they say in Oklahoma. Whapped. I was watching their local shopping network. You know those things where like the husband's out working or something and the wife gets like addicted and just has to buy those diemels or whatever.

And they had this cross and she goes, now look at this. This is genuine white gold. She kept going white, right? White gold. White only. Hey, guess where the racism's from? Whites only don't. That's Boston. Right?

Whites only. That's Tulsa, Oklahoma. At least that's where I watched it. And then lastly, whites only. That's a gay guy at a laundromat. Sorry. It's a bad joke. Fuck you. I'm tired. Don't get the white. Don't get the whites messed in with the colors. Anyways, whatever this podcast is going to suck, but maybe it's going to be enjoyable because of how much it sucks.

Yeah, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to talk about this week. Let's get, let's get right into a little bit of my tour. I just called 15 audibles, as I was saying, dragging that sentence out. Let's get into a little, by the way, you know, right now I'm not even supposed to be doing this podcast. I'm supposed to be talking to somebody from Reykjavik and I got to tell you Iceland. Well, the first guy had water damage. I called him up. It sounded like it just happened. So we're rescheduling that one. And then the other dude at 1030, I don't know what happened, man. I'm sitting here on the other side of the world eagerly awaiting your phone call. And what do I get? I get nothing. You know, somebody told me when I go over to that beautiful country of Iceland, you know, that country that stood up to the bankers, that country that I can't wait to go see. Somebody said it smells like sulfur because of that, that volcanic eruption there, volcanic, the volcano eruption. Remember that one that blocked all the flights to and from Europe a few years ago, it still smells like sulfur over there.

And I don't know, I think that's kind of fucking cool to be that close to a live volcano. I can't fucking that's one of the ones I'm really looking forward to that because on that trip over there, that's the country I haven't been to yet. So I don't give a fuck what it smells like. I heard the women are beautiful. They stuck up to the banks and they fucking live right next to a volcano and they don't give a shit. So thumbs up to Iceland. I can't wait to go. And I think I'm actually going to get to see the northern lights, you know, stand there with a little tear in my eye wondering why humanity can't get along. So anyways, I did the rest of the red state tours dates and, you know, I know it was crazy as far as like it didn't come off the way I thought it was going to but I honored every fucking date and I added San Antonio. All right, we made them happen El Paso took three times to get to three trips. One time I canceled because I'm a little twinkle toes doing my acting work. The next time it got rained out and then finally we made it happen. And I got some angry emails but in the end we made it happen. So anyway, so I go to Deadwood, South Dakota and the black heels the western part of South Dakota and I had a fucking awesome time.

I highly recommend it. I went and I actually saw Mount Rushmore scratch that off the bucket list. And I highly recommend that you go during the winter months, because I could just tell it would be fucking packed with a bunch of goddamn breeders with their fucking gene cut off shorts. And as I was walking up all the stairs and nobody was on it that nobody was on, I could just I said to the guy brought us over there was like, dude, this place is packed in the summertime. He's like, oh yeah, man, it's awful. It's awful. So go there in the winter. Nice crisp air or whatever fall whatever fuck season we're right now. That's the time to go toughen up your fucking kids, pull them out of school and bring them there. All right, start up the win a bagel once over the winter or in the fall and get the thing up there. I'm telling you, it's great. We did the whole goddamn thing in like 20 minutes. You know, it's great as you come up the hill. I'm literally miming this with my hand like driving my hand towards my face in case I forget what it's like to drive up a hill as you're driving up a hill. You come up all the way up the mountain there right or the hill, I guess. And all you see you just look out and I swear to God you can see all the way to Wyoming and you're like what the fuck where is it and then you just come around a turn in the way they do it is so fucking cool. They show you what the four presidents are looking at. And then you turn around and you're like holy fuck there it is like a goddamn horror movie.

You know, you think the guy's behind the curtain and he's not there and you're like, oh good, you relax. You let out that exhaling turn of Jesus Christ for dead presidents. You know, if you know for the life of me, I always wondered why they picked those four, not even those four. Why Teddy Roosevelt. You know, I understood molarian curly, but I didn't get shamp. Why the fuck is he up there? You know, I didn't understand it was another good reference. Okay, David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, and then that dude from that band. If you don't like what we do here, get the fuck out, get the fuck out, get the fuck out, get the fuck out, shut up. What, what you do? My God, I never want to drag somebody down the fucking stairs by their ponytails as much as when that fucking song came on. Um, anyways, Teddy Roosevelt, so I asked the guy there, why did they, why Teddy? I don't see the fucking connection here.

It's like a bad standup tour where you get three styles that mesh and then just one guy is God, I don't know, a fucking ukulele. And I guess they were all responsible for the expansion, expansionism of this country, George Washington, because he helped us with our conspiracy theory, not theory, our conspiracy to fucking leave the goddamn English Empire, all right, which started it. It's not really expanding, that's sort of separating, but who the fuck am I? Thomas Jefferson, Louisiana Purchase. Oh my God, I'm gonna forget who else is there. Oh Abe Lincoln, Abraham. A train is his friends called him, because he held the union together. And then Teddy Roosevelt, because he was brutally racist, and was able to kick all the Mexicans out of the western part of this country.

You know, that's a really weird part of, I gotta tell you, this really weird part of the country, South Dakota, absolutely fucking beautiful. But it's kind of like, I feel like what Germany would look like if the Germans won. The way history is told. You know what I mean? I mean, that is, you're basically on Holocaust ground out there. But because, you know, the fucking evil doers won, just the way it's, you know, you can go visit Custer's last stand, and they have like, you know, grave sites for all these fucking mass murdering psychopaths. But, you know, they won. So it's all like done.

So like, basically, if Hitler and those fucking maniacs won, there would be a Mount Rushmore in Germany, and it would be Hitler. It'd be, uh, who's that guy, Heinle Klemler, whatever the fuck his name is, basically his Scotty Pippin, right? And they'd have a couple other, all those fucking evil Nazi dudes. I don't know where they would be facing. But whatever, that doesn't mean you shouldn't go out there. It's absolutely fucking beautiful. And I had a great time performing at the casino. I met some real live cowboys, real life cowboys. Got invited to go back to a ranch next time I'm out there for some quick draw shooting with fucking wax bullets. What'd you do this fucking weekend?

I already asked them, I go, what do you mean wax? We just like shoot them at each other and they're like laughing. They go, no, you shoot them into a target. I go, what happens if you get hit with one? They go, it stings. It's not that big a deal. So in my head, I just started laughing because I was like, all right, back in the day, me and my knucklehead friends, if we got wax bullets and they're not going to kill you, we're going to put on swimming goggles, possibly a scuba mask. And, you know, within 20 minutes, we're going to be fucking shooting at each other. Um, and I guess if you go there in the summertime, you see bald eagles out there like their pigeons. So that's another reason to come back.

What I'm saying is I'm definitely coming back to deadwood. I had a fucking phenomenal, phenomenal time and learned a little bit about American history and that type of stuff. And then the next day at an early flight, I flew down to Tulsa, Oklahoma and I had no idea what to expect. We drove into town, me and Lucas. Now you see Lee. Now you don't. Lucas see Lee, um, his football nickname that never happened. They called him the Orient Express, I believe, or the Asian invasion. I forget what he grew up in Montana. He's like one of three Asians out there. So the white people didn't know any better. Um, so what am I saying? So we own a fucking Tulsa and it's like, uh, I don't know, it's like a zombie movie.

There's like nobody there and it's windy as fucking hell because there's nothing to stop the goddamn wind. And I asked the guy, I'm like, dude, we pull up to the hotel and it was like creepy. It wasn't even like homeless people. It was like nothing driving into town, stopping at red lights and it's green for the other way and there's no cars. The only thing it was missing was like tumbleweeds. So we pull in there and I asked the guy when I parked the car. I'm like, what the hell is everybody's like, ah, you know, it gets kind of dead here in the weekends. Um, but at night it totally picked up and it ended up being this awesome fucking city. And we performed at this place called, uh, uh, fuck the Brady theater and old vaudeville theater that was finished in 1916. And it was one of the coolest places I've ever performed in. And it was just an absolutely fucking awesome crowd.

Just had a great time and, uh, I don't know. And you know, the usual shit. Harry Houdini performed here and it's fucking haunted and all of that crap. Can you feel me running out of gas, everybody? I'm running out of gas, dude. I've traveled too much just fucking yeah, I'm sorry. Let's, let's try to, let's try to ramp up the goddamn comedy again. Nothing funny happened in Tulsa. I just had a great fucking time and there was a guy, uh, the runner. This guy Ray worked at a 1960 Cadillac in the end of the, the all original, the end of the show. I'm driving this thing around Tulsa 1960 fucking Cadillac having a great time. Then we went to this German bar, which was a good time.

But I gotta tell you, there was a little bit too much wiener schnitzel. If you know what I mean, I was trying to be a wingman for my buddy and there was nothing to talk to there. Right. And, uh, I don't know. Then the next day we drove up from Tulsa to Wichita and I got to tell you something about the drive from Tulsa to Wichita. I would not work. I would not wish that on my worst fucking enemy. It was one of the worst drives, the absolute, the opposite of driving through the black hills in South Dakota. That is one that you can skip. There was fucking nothing, nothing. Unless you're out there looking for some classic cars and that type of shit.

Um, I, you know, I swear to God, it was like every other fucking house out there has some fucking car. You're like, holy shit. You know, that's a Mustang. Look at that. There's an old fucking Ford pickup truck. Every guy, it seems like every other house. I'm exaggerating, but there was probably like, I saw probably like 20 cars on the way up in trucks. And then there was a whole, you know, I don't know. It's one guy had like fucking 30 of the old things up there. I just started thinking of that, that fast and loud that they should just drive that raptor up there and fucking somehow talk those people into selling their cars for 40 bucks. Then we got into Wichita and Wichita was a little creepy, not gonna lie to you, a little creepy.

I missed my turn. We came into the back part of the fucking town and we went by the rehab clinic and really saw that drugs touch everybody. It looked like a fucking old, like if they did a real world reunion episode and everybody was in their fifties, that's what it looked like. There was the old white guy, the old black guy, an old Asian guy, an old Latino dude, just all fucking standing out there, a couple of fucking haggard looking chicks, you know, looking like retired witches. And we played at the Orpheum there with like the Count Basie Orchestra played, Gracie, George Burns, Gracie Allen, whatever they had played there, just fucking insane. Absolutely awesome shows and, you know, I want to thank everybody who came out. I'm definitely coming back. I'm definitely going to do that run. And next time I come back, I'm going to add Nebraska and I don't know what else I got to go to out there, maybe Iowa, but whatever. I feel like I put my foot down out there, left my footprint. I got another place, another tour I can do.

When I get old and gray or whatever, it's all good shit. All right, I'm just fucking me entering here. Let's let's do a little advertising. Oh, where the fuck are we here? And then I'm going to ramp it back up talking about that fucking bullshit call against the 49ers and P. Carroll's Twitter message. All right, I'm teasing you here. That's a little teaser. All right, Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Let's see if I can shave a couple of strokes off my fucking bad reading. All right, this is how it works every week with the advertising.

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A bunch of fucking divots. All right. Here we go. Where do I start this week? NFL Pro Football. Did anybody watch the 49ers versus the Saints? No. I am impartial.

I actually like the Saints. I did that movie down there and I had a great fucking time and I was really getting into the Saints and I think their fans are awesome and that type of thing. I also like the 49ers. So I like both of them. I like both coaches. I like both quarterbacks. I like those teams. So I watched the game and I got to tell you, the 49ers got robbed and I'm not blaming the Saints and I don't expect Saint fans to have any empathy.

But you know goddamn well, if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd be like, what the fuck? Okay. Fuck the Saints. Fuck the 49ers. Let's just talk football here. What exactly was that guy supposed to do when he was trying to tackle Drew Brees? What exactly was he? What the fuck is he supposed to do?

Drew Brees is playing at full speed. So on defense, you're supposed to go, what, three-quarter speed when the game is on the line? It wasn't a helmet to helmet hit. He didn't fucking, you know, it wasn't an attack on a defenseless player, whatever the hell they call it. He's trying to run around the outside to get to Drew Brees. He's got the fucking outside goddamn linemen, whatever the fuck it is, pushing him to the outside. He's going by the quarterback. He reaches out to grab him.

And in the process, he catches him in the neck a little bit and the guy goes down. It's a violent fucking game, right? Last year you couldn't hit him in the head. Now you can't hit quarterbacks in the head or in the fucking neck. What are they going to be able to do next year? I think next year when you go to tackle a quarterback, you ever go to put like a sheet on a bed and you do like that kind of thing. And then it goes and lands on the bed. What does it do, Bill?

It goes, I think that's what you're going to have to do. The 49ers needed somebody to step up and make a fucking play. And that guy made the play. He caused a fucking turnover and he recovered the ball game over. All right, but because of today's game, they took it away from him and then they end up losing the game. That was a textbook play. It was fucking beautiful play. I mean, you could sit there and watch Lawrence Taylor highlights and he has a zillion of those. He used to just bull rush people, reach over them, grab the quarterback by his shirt and just drag him down to the ground.

I just, you can't fucking do anything anymore and I don't know. I don't know because I've been watching football too long that to me that looks like football and now they're saying it isn't. I obviously, like most of you probably saw that interview with Tony Dorsett and I hate seeing that type of stuff. I don't want former football players to be like that. But Jesus Christ, he didn't get a concussion. You know, I found really interesting was Troy Aikman thought it was a good call and how he long was just shaking his head. For those of you who don't watch football, Troy Aikman is a former quarterback and how he long is a former defensive tackler. And I forget what position he played.

So it's, Drew Brees didn't get hurt. He didn't have a concussion. He was fine. He got right up. Troy Aikman is going, oh, look, you can see his lips bloody. Well, he's playing football. You know, the fuck. So I think the 49ers got fucked.

I don't know what the solution is. I maybe have to go back to leather helmets. I have no idea. But Jesus Christ, you got to be able to reach out, grab the fucking quarterbacks as you go down. Yeah. And maybe sometime he goes down a little bit violently. I mean, I don't fucking know. Somebody on my Twitter account was like laughing going like next year, they're going to treat quarterbacks like kickers.

Like if you even touch them, it's an automatic unnecessary roughness. Now that he definitely went down in a rough way, but it's a tough game. But he's fine. If he has any sort of fucking problems at the 20 years after he retired, it's not going to be because of that hit. I could have taken that fucking hit. I'm not going to lie to you. I'd feel the effects for three weeks, but I could have taken that hit and gotten up and thrown a fucking goddamn duck the next play. I could have done that.

And I am a stand up comedian. If I could have taken the fucking hit. All right. Fuck you. I could have. So you could have too. You could have taken it. Jesus Christ.

I've gotten hit harder than that. Playing fucking kill the man with the ball back in the day. Well, whatever you guys called the game, that's what we called it. Kill the man with the ball. Murder the fuck. And then lastly, the last thing I'm going to say about the fucking football this week was Pete Carroll's former team that he coached. USC beat. I was at Syracuse.

So fucking tired. I was at Stanford, which was a major upset and Stanford had beaten USC like four years in a row. So it was a big victory for them. And so Pete Carroll tweeted, you know, basically a congratulate congratulations to USC, which is fucking hilarious. And then ESPN shows it. They all blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And at no point did they discuss how Pete Carroll, you know, Pete Carroll left that team high and dry. Or maybe that's just part of the arrangement that college football coaches have because I don't begrudge the guy what he did.

He did what everybody has to do to win at a division one level is you break a bunch of fucking rules. And then years later, they make a movie about it called Blue Chips with fucking Nick Nolte. Right. Or North Dallas. I came up with a fucking movie was called. I don't know. I just thought it was funny that he writes back to the school that he left high and dry as he sat there telling every all those incoming freshmen that he was going to develop them and they'd have an NFL fucking career. And then all of a sudden deaths at the back door and he just fucking takes off and goes up to Seattle.

You know, I don't think that thing really had anything that tweet had anything to do with USC. I think that has to do with his fucking hatred of Captain comeback there and the time he ran up to score when he was coaching fucking Syracuse, right? Jim Harbaugh. I think it had more to do with that. But I was disappointed that the end of his, his tweet didn't say hashtag. All right. Where are we? How many fucking minutes in are we?

Can I start reading shot? Jesus 29 30 minutes. 30 fucking minutes. What am I going to do here? We're going to talk about the Greenpeace 30 again. Nothing has changed as far as I can tell. Oh, one more thing about the fucking football is Versey's New York football Giants one again. And I don't, I don't dislike the Giants.

I actually love the Giants. Just as a franchise, right? Even though they beat the Patriots, I get, I get beyond that. They beat the Patriots. What the fuck were they supposed to do lose to them? You know, they're trying to win the game and they want it. Good for them. I don't give a fuck.

But what it is, is with every victory they have, I'm going to have to listen to Versey going on and on and on. Just fast forward 20 minutes into this podcast because I'm still going to be going on and on. And he's still talking about Robinson canal. Like this is what you have to know about Paul Versey. He likes gummy bears. He likes going to the movies. And he spends 100% of his time when he's talking about sports, talking about the 10% of the time that he was actually right. And it drives me up the fucking wall.

You know what one of his predictions was was the Patriots were crazy not to resign Matt Castle. I fucking nailed that one. I've already taught. I've talked about this one a million times. I give up. I give up with this guy. I called the fucking Super Bowl this year and I put my money down. I never brought it up to him.

He's already talking about it. He's already sending me text messages. This is what kills me. Like when I call something, I'm like, all right, I got lucky. Versey actually thinks that something like paranormal happened that he has like ESP. Like when he caught, when he calls something, he's got this thing where he kind of puts his head down and he's like looking through his eyebrows. You know, he gets, he gets a little crazy. That guy is not all there.

Don't buy into his little fucking, you know, when you, when you get the Paul Versey brochure in the mail, when he's coming to your town, I'm telling you that guy, he's not all there. I'm just fucking with you. I love the guy. You know, this is why I love Paul Versey. All right. This is a zillion reasons, but I have to get back to him. I had a quick phone call and I was going, I forget what the fuck I was doing. I was, I think I was going in and I was going to do a show and he called me up to talk to me about a veal chop.

He just ate, you know, it's just fucking hilarious how much he's into food. It's ridiculous. Oh, anyways, this week, everybody, I got a couple of all things comedy, our wonderful new podcast network that I have to tell you about me and Al Madrigal. The daily shows and minivan men podcast. Al Madrigal are going to be hosting a garage shale shale, a garage sale. Both of us are taking shit out of our garages and our lives, our lives that I can't even talk. We're taking stuff out of our garages and our lives, comedy memorabilia, old hockey sticks. I got one of those fucking man great systems that they sent me.

They already gave me one. You know, what am I supposed to stack two on top of each other? I don't even think the meat would cook at that point. Those things are so thick. So I got one of those. What else do I got? I got, I got some fucking old. Why do I do this?

Let it go. DVDs that all be autographed. I got this fucking trunk metal locker trunk thing that the last people on my house left in the garage. You know, I don't know what Al's bringing, but you know, I'm sure he's got a bunch of stuff too. And all of the proceeds are going to go towards the wounded warrior project. Also, there's another all things comedy show down at Largo here in Los Angeles down in La Cienega just north of Beverly. I'm going to be eight o'clock this Wednesday. I will be performing there as well as a bunch of other hosts of podcasts on our network.

Please come down. Have a good time. Learn about our network. And what else? Oh, also, I got to give a shout out to the occasionally awesome podcast hosted by Kevin Christie and Nick Yousef two phenomenal younger comics. They're young to me. All right. They're probably young to you.

But and also if you think I love dogs, you got to listen to Kevin Christie do that guy is like, I'm swear to God. I think if you pet his dog in the wrong direction, like a cat, you'd probably be missing a limb and he would never apologize. And that's why I love him. But anyways, they gave me a nice shout out to Max Greenfield on their podcast from the new girl. And I guess he talked about that episode I did where he's basically sticking his head in a coffin with a dead body there. And I'm trying to get him to stop doing it because I'm trying to take a gold chain off the dead body. It was fucking hilarious. I think we shot it at one in the morning and he had me laugh in my eye.

It's such a great time doing that show between working with Max and working with Nick Crowell and all my scenes. I swear to God, it seemed like they were one in the morning and I was feeling like I was going to pass out and that I can't hack it as an actor. And both of them had me laughing my ass off at one in the morning. Stand up comic who doesn't laugh at shit. So anyways, so check out the occasionally awesome podcast on the All Things Comedy Network. And there you go. There's a little mini commercial there. Let me go back to the, go back to rambling here. So basically, because I don't want to listen to Verzi, you know, and he's one dumb fucking prediction.

I think this is the only thing that he's actually going to get right this year and we're in November. As far as I know, I don't know anything else he said right this year. He was wrong about the Super Bowl. He was wrong about that Christmas sweater that he wore the last time we worked together. This is going to be the first, ah, you know what, everybody's right every once in a while. Jesus, he's going to, I guarantee fucking 2016, I'm still going to be hearing about this. Dude, what about that fucking judge prediction, you know? So he's actually made me like an Eagles fan.

Like I'm rooting for the fucking, I'm rooting for somebody in that goddamn division to actually win some fucking games. Okay, Philadelphia Eagles, Dallas Cowboys, fucking Redskins, I'm done with you. All right, but it's not too late. All three of you, the Giants spotted you six fucking games. All right, this is, this is inexcusable for you to let those cunts come back and win the fucking division. Absolutely fucking inexcusable. They're not cunts. I love the Giants. I actually like the fucking Giants. I just don't want to listen to Versey for the love of God, Philadelphia Eagles, Dallas Cowboys next week when you play the fucking Giants. Can you play full four quarters?

You know, don't do it for yourselves. Do it for me. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. He is going to go on for fucking ever. All right, let's read some shit here. Dollar Shave Club Correction. This is from a listener. Hey Bill, can you change that copy to read Rusty Soup Can instead of Rusty Soda Can? Aluminum soda cans don't rust, but the tin coated soup cans sure as hell will. I honestly wanted to be helpful. I can try to break your balls another time. Thanks for the podcast. That's fucking hilarious. Is there any time, is anything better when somebody's just like scientifically correct?

You know, I didn't know that aluminum cans don't rust. I had no idea. I didn't even know the cans were made out of aluminum. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was some sort of, you know, some sort of metal plastic kind of shit. I had no, I didn't know what it was. I never knew what it was. All right, how to handle conspiracy theories. Billy Bankbuster. Oh, by the fucking way. Wait a second. Wait a minute. I forgot to bring this up. Do you guys know that one of my fantasies is coming through this week? No, it's not reading copy correctly. There's two bankers being put to death in Vietnam.

Let me look this up here. Death V at Vietnamese bankers sentenced to death for fraud. Here we go. This is what, this is what should have been happening in this country in 2008. Like it already should have like, they should have been like at least 100 bankers dead. You know what you should do is like smother them with cash. Now what you do is you tie them to the mast of their yacht or their sailboat, right? And then you put a bunch of cash at their feet, all the cash that they stole, you just light it on fire, right? Like Jonah fucking out.

Let me see if I can find where the fuck is it. There we go. Yahoo free news. Let's go here. A Vietnamese former banker and his business associates have been sentenced to death for their part in the embezzlement of $25 million. State media has reported 25 million bucks and you get the goddamn death sentence. All right. So I figured that the people at AIG, they ought to have like what happened to William Wallace at the end of Braveheart, whatever that fucking thing is. Well, they just pull out your fucking entrails like machete. The pair were among 11 defendants in the nine day trial in Ho Chi Minh City. State media reported on Saturday in a case that has heightened Vietnam's effort to show it is stamping out corruption in the face of widespread public anger over the issue.

That's the only part of the story I don't like. The fact that they're trying to make an example. So now I think that they just got a couple of Ollie North here. They're going to kill two people or 11 and be like, see, we're doing something and then it goes right back. Now, I don't know what politicians make in Vietnam, but if it's anything like over here, you know, the bankers put them in office. So I have no fucking idea. But anyways, this is the deal. Vu Quoc Howell, 58, the one time chief of the finance subsidiary of the state owned Vietnam agribank and building firm boss, Dang Van Hai. 56 were sentenced to death on Friday, according to state television.

They were given the sentence for embezzlement of assets, mismanagement, abuse of power and fraud, causing serious consequences to the state. Sound familiar everybody? I just did that what I hated last week. Sound familiar? The other nine defendants were jailed for up to 14 years for violating state economic regulations. The report added the group was accused of embezzling more than $25 million of state money between April 2008 and March 2009 by falsifying financial leasing contracts, according to reports on state media. Vietnam is rated one of the world's most corrupt nations and graft is a top concern for many ordinary people. The communist government has vowed to clamp down on the issue.

There will be strict punishment for state. I'm not going to read the rest of this shit. I'll spare you guys. I read it pretty well up to that point. So there you go. There you go. See that doesn't matter what kind of government you have a democracy, communism, socialism, dictatorship, the fucking bankers are running shit and they need to be put down in the fucking street. And replaced with honest people, you know, like some of those fine folks that I met out there in the hot land.

That would be great. I would actually go to the execution. As fucking morbid as that is, you know, I would actually go there. Who the fuck is sitting there texting me now? All right, let's go back to the when I just dropped my voice. Let's go back to the questions for this week. How to handle conspiracy theories. Billy Bank Buster.

I'm all in when it comes to reading and researching ideas independent of those we hear all day in the media, whether it be the banks, the lizard people or the fact that we live in a simulation. It's all important information. I'm with you when it comes to shrugging off a particular air of pretentiousness like that guy in the human farming video. The problem with general reaction to new information is that everyone does that. I'm a Democrat. I'm a Republican bullshit where they just pick a side and defend it to death. Here's the truth. All in capital letters.

The truth is, is that there's some truth to the fact that we're being pushed around by those in power. Well, who the fuck are you to say that this is the truth? Why can't you say this is your version of the truth? He came at me all diplomatic. I was really liking who you are. And then all of a sudden you yelled at me out of nowhere. You lulled me in. I was right there.

Ba-ba-da-ba-doo. Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. Here's the truth. The truth is that there is some truth to the fact that we're being pushed around by those in power. It's true that people in power have bigger plans that we, that we know about. We know this because it's been that way forever. It takes the current population so long to get over their emotional reaction to finding out negative things that by the time they understand everything, they're dead and their kids are voting for the next jackass.

I agree with the way you handle this stuff. You're in, but you're not letting it ruin your life. This is a revolution of knowledge that can't be stopped. Now please run for office and stay out of convertibles. All right. I'm such a defensive asshole. I thought you were disagreeing with me until right in the end. No, there's no fucking way.

I'm too goddamn dumb. And I've jerked off to too much fucking horrific shit on the internet. And, you know, that doesn't mean that I couldn't be in office. I would just have to be a company player. You know what I really got to start reading up on this fucking guy up in Toronto, man? This crack smoke and pussy eating fucking mayor or whatever they got up there. Somebody was, somebody was trying to tell me, uh, I'm literally looking up Toronto mayor eating pussy. Rob Ford's denies eating pussy video.

He denies that he ate this woman's pussy. He said he's married and has plenty to eat at home and then walked off. You know, like he just dropped the mic. That's the greatest fucking thing ever. You got to love that kind of honesty. What the fuck is this? Is this somebody piggybacking on this thing? Oh, Jesus, is this a commercial I have to sit through?

I just hit mute. All right, here we go. The last thing was Olivia Gondak that says that I wanted to eat her pussy. I've never said that in my life tour. I would never do that. I'm happily married. I've got more than enough to eat at home. Thank you very much.

Dude, did he just have a fucking jersey with his name on it in the back? This guy is the fucking greatest thing ever. Hang on, hang on. Okay, then there's a flabbergasted lady. I know we're up live right now, but I don't know if we can... I... Mary Ford speaking as Mary Ford does. You know what?

I don't know if he was born that way or if smoking crack gives you some balls. This guy just doesn't give a fuck. I don't know anything about this story. It's only what I've heard. I don't know if you're in office for life, but if he smokes crack the way I drink booze, I don't think it's going to affect his job. If he just has a couple, two or three cracks at the end of the day,

you like smoking crack, that's, you know, something, there's just something. You got to go down swinging in life, right? That's the way to go down, because he knows eventually it's like, if I'm going to get squeezed out, fucking... Dude, the guy had a jersey with his name on it, with the number on the back. I don't know what the fuck that was about, but... Whatever, he's owned by the banks too.

You might as well have somebody entertaining. Isn't that right, Cleo? Oh, Cleo. Oh, you were sleeping. I'm sorry, buddy. How you doing? My fucking dog is hilarious. I came, I had an early flight, right?

And I come home, right? And I pull up to the house or whatever. And I come in, and she didn't know I was coming home. Now, she has no... I don't know what's coming home. She has no concept of me leaving. I just walk out the door and she has no... She has no going to Wichita.

What kind of a fucking stupid sentence was that? Well, it was what you were thinking, Bill. So I walk in and she hates hardwood floors. She just feels like she can't get any sort of balance on them. So she has to walk really slow with their head down. So I come in and she hears the door unlocking. So she comes running out and she knows it's me. And she's all excited, but she's walking on hardwood floors.

So she was walking really slowly while her tail was wagging 90 miles an hour and her fucking shaking her pit bull booty, like walking sideways. It's one of the best laughs. If you don't have a dog, you're a fucking asshole. What does a cat do? Well, maybe a cat does something because I have never... Didn't grow up with cats. What does a cat do that is like similar to that?

I remember I dated this girl and she had a cat. She had a cool one. And I would fucking wake up in the morning. This thing would be standing on my chest like doing that thing, you know, where they're sort of like, like they're trying to pull your shirt apart. I used to make me laugh. But I just don't like that they shit inside. You know, it's in that goddamn box.

It smells like... I don't know. There's just no appreciation from... Maybe I'm too needy to be a cat owner. I respect cats, though. You know, they're in the deal, but not of it. And they also retain their hunting skills. They keep those polished.

I think that they know that the dollar is going to crash the way they always go out and fucking kill mice and stuff. All right, here we go. Where is it here? Advice. My mom thinks she's a psychic. Hey, big red longtime fan and loyal follower of the MM podcast for the past five years. Can't wait for the new podcast t-shirts.

I'm picking them up today. Oh, was it a journey with this fucking company? Jesus Christ, it took forever. Forever. For fucking ever. We changed the design a couple of times and then, you know, and then from then on, I don't know what the fuck happened. Anyways, he said,

I need your advice on how to bring my 58-year-old mom back to reality. Ever since my mom's menopause, my brother and I came to the realization that my mom believes she has the ability to speak and see those whom have crossed over to the other side. This has to do with her menopause. I don't think... I think you're looking at the wrong answer.

She even has no problems pushing her beliefs onto complete strangers. For example, I was having a stressful time during my career. My mom proceeds to pull out these two antenna like rods shaped like the letter L. While holding the short end of the rods, she proceeds to walk up to meet and the... to meet in the rods, M-E-E-T.

The rods move closer together in her hands. She says, I am surrounded by negative activity. Wait a minute. What kind of witchcraft are we talking about? While holding the short end of the rods, she proceeds to walk up to meet M-E, I think is what you meant to say, and the rods move closer together in her hands.

I'm going to just guess that. She says, I'm surrounded by negative activity. She then proceeds to make me think of the most positive thoughts I can envision, such as the birth... Dude, you got to finish your sentences. Birth of your son, I guess is what that means. She then steps back, and then while...

I love how you use the word whom correctly, I'm assuming, and then you can't get this other shit right. She then steps back, and then while I'm supposedly thinking positive thoughts, she walks backwards to more of me, and the rods slowly separate apart. She comments that the spirits are now in my favor. Like an asshole,

I thought of the most depressing thoughts I could, just to prove that she was moving the damn rods herself. After porting it out, my mom freaks out and breaks out crying and yelling, saying how much of a jerk I am, that I should respect her abilities, and they aren't to be toyed with. Jesus Christ!

She sounds like she's going to stab you with a butter knife. You know what I just thought of? I just thought of misery. She's going to wake up tired of the bed, and she's going to be standing there with fucking lightning going off in the background. What a fucking... Your mom's a jerk, dude.

You busted her for lying, and then she uses the age-old fucking woman manipulating technique of crying. Right? You should have held her to it. It's like you're yelling at me because you're lying? You lied to me, mom. How could you do that?

Put the fucking TV antenna down. All right? Sit down and have a fucking sandwich. What's wrong with you? He says, I love my mom, Bill, and I just want her to come to her senses. Obviously, jokes don't help to persuade her that she isn't Nostradamus.

Any advice you or Nia might have would be appreciated. Maybe it's just me, but this whole spiritualism shit feels like a fad, just like the show Long Island Medium. I don't know that show. Yeah, I don't know what to... I don't know... Does she have a job?

Is she sick of her career and she's trying to go the tarot card reading thing? I have no idea. I don't know what to say to you there. I mean, I would give her shit like, mom, you lied to me. All right? You're sitting there saying that

like you're healing me and you're not. I don't know. When somebody goes crazy, dude, I don't know what to tell you. You either got to roll with it or you got to... I wouldn't want to bring it to a doctor because God knows they're going to put her all

on the latest drugs and use her as a fucking guinea pig, so I might try to avoid that. I don't know, dude. I feel like I'm letting you down here, but I'd rather not give you any advice because I don't have any rather than give you some bad advice.

I'm freaked out. I love my mom. Any advice you might... How to make a come to her senses? I don't know. Why don't you go buy a magic kit and get better at it than she is and then somehow try to turn her into your student

and then just one day just say that she failed and that she needs to go back to being a mom. Just grow out a long beard and start wearing all white and sit fucking Indian style. The lotus position, I believe it's called. And, you know, like candles and stuff, that'll give you credibility with her

and just tell her that she's... You know, she's not good at it. Now, let's go make her cry again. I don't know. No disrespect to Meryl Streep, but they can all do it on command. You know, I'm not saying she's not a good actress and doesn't deserve those fucking shiny trophies,

but I don't know what to tell you. They just can do it. The drop of a fucking hat. She's sitting there with two TV antennas and the guy, her own son busts her for lying and immediately she can start crying. There's not a guy in the world that could fucking pull that emotion

out of their ass like that. Or out of their menopause twat. I'm sorry, and I just talked bad about your mom. Her post-menopause vagina. Okay, let's do... I think that's a nice segue into this next advertisement. I'm trying to beat two strokes, people. Stamps.com, with the holiday almost here,

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Hey Bill, love the show. Well, thank you. He says I got a situation I could use some advice. My sister is 16 years old and dating a 22-year-old. What the fuck? Yeah, I got advice. Go out to the goddamn garage and get a fucking shovel. Dig the hole first.

Don't do that. I'm not advocating murder. Just bury him alive for a few minutes. They met at a church function. Ow, for fuck's sakes. Dude, this is making me upset. My sister is 16 years old, 16 years old and she's dating a 22-year-old.

They met at a church function over a year ago and even though he lives two states away, they've been keeping in contact. What the fuck dude? How many more sexual predator red flags do you need? He goes, I just found out my parents have invited him to Thanksgiving this year. Do you live in like the Middle East or something?

Is this some sort of custom that is widely accepted in some far away land? My initial reaction is to beat the shit out of this fucker creep. Oh, beat the shit out of this fucking creep, sorry. I don't think that that will solve anything in the long run, so I'm trying to keep a level head and be mature about this. But to be honest with you, I haven't got a fucking clue as to what to do.

My parents are obviously mentally unstable and I'm not equipped to talk sense into a 16-year-old girl, so if you could tell me what to say to this guy to make him understand in a nonviolent way that this is wrong and needs to stop, I'd appreciate it. See dude, you're going on the same journey I started. You found out immediately I'm thinking I'm getting a shovel and I'm burying this fucking guy in the ground.

But you know, as I know, violence is not the way. He goes, the scariest thing about this is that in this weird ass church my family belongs to, several of my sister's friends have gotten married at 17 and 18, and that just can't happen here. I know this is a fucked up situation, but I'd be grateful for any help you have to offer. Thank you and go fuck yourself.

Yeah, I would look up some stuff about cults. I would get some professional help on this one, dude. You know, people ask me advice on this, you know, it's usually much lighter than this. But dude, you're talking about God forbid if this guy's hooking up with you, you literally have a sex offender on your hands here. Can you get the local authorities involved?

Can you call the cops? I mean, I don't know. I have no idea what to do. I'm afraid if you do something like that, it's going to make her run into his arms even further. What the fuck? Yeah, I don't know what to do because you can't get violent with the guy.

I don't know... I have no idea. And I don't know if you're making a joke about your parents being mentally unstable. Dude, this is like some Dr. Drew shit. Call in Dr. Drew if you're going to go the show business route, all right, because he's actually a professional. I'm a fucking idiot, so don't listen to me.

But I would try to get some professional help and with every fiber in my being, I hope that you fucking solve this problem because that guy... that guy should be living in a fucking dumpster. What the fuck? You're 22! That's one of those guys when he's fucking 32, he's still going to be going after 16-year-olds.

I fucking guarantee it. That is fucking creepy. The difference in age between 16 and 22 is a fucking lifetime. That's disgusting. I don't know, sir, I would get professional help. I'm sorry, there's nothing fucking funny about that at all. All right, from a young lady...

Oh, this is great! A woman writing it. I've been trying to get women to write in, but, you know, they probably shut off my podcast because they're decent human beings. From a young lady... Dear Bill, I'm a 16-year-old... Oh, fuck, we're back to 16-year-old women.

You can only guess, you're dating this 22-year-old guy and your fucking... your older brother is getting in the way of the relationship. All right, I'm a 16-year-old lady who loves stand-up comedy and it's my dream to do headlining stand-up when I grow up. Currently, I'm taking stand-up classes with blah, blah, blah. I say who? At the place in this city

and this other city. Someday, I want to open for you, but I want some advice and a favor. A favor? Oh, jeez. I know that it will take a while for me to be amazing at stand-up. So what should I do when I bomb on stage? Do I just keep bombing? I've only done one stand-up show, but I surprisingly did well.

Oh, good for you, you did better than I did. I only did okay. What should I do after high school? I want to move to L.A. and just to open mic and take classes. It will be hard, though, since I'm not 21. I have to wait outside the clubs, which is so annoying. But if you have a better idea, please tell me. Because you know what you're talking about.

Lastly, the favor. It would be amazing if you did, at all ages, show in Los Angeles to San Diego. Thank you for your time. Just so you know, you're the reason I want to do stand-up because you're freaking hilarious. That's great. All right, well, first of all, you're way ahead of the game. You're only 16 years old. I didn't start until I was almost 24. As far as moving to L.A., I would not do that.

I would not do that. I would move to a town. I would probably more, if I was you, I would move to maybe San Francisco. I would move to a city that has a good comedy scene where you can develop and learn how to be a comedian and get some momentum going before you try and start in L.A. L.A. is the hardest place as far as I can tell in America to start doing stand-up comedy because you have all these professional comics

who now feel they're ready to take a shot moving to L.A. and they're all getting on stage and they're having problems trying to get on stage. At least I did back in the day. So I would give yourself time to develop. All right, what else did you have? What did you say? You said, what do you do when you're bombing?

Bombing is just a part of it. So what did you say? What should you do if you start bombing on stage? I don't know. Make fun of the joke that you just told that didn't work. Make fun of yourself. You just got to stand there and take it and you'll figure out your own way of how to get through it. But when you bomb, don't get down on yourself

because it happens to everybody. I've been working on a bit this whole weekend. I've been eating my balls on it every fucking night. And it's pissing me off because I know it's funny. I just don't know how to make it funny yet. So that part of it never ends. What else did you say? What should I do after high school?

Don't move to L.A. I wouldn't advise that. I would not advise that. I already said what to do. Is that it other than that? Just fucking right shit that you think is funny? Don't hang out with negative people that bring you down. Don't hang out with other comics who are weirdly competing with you

and happy slash resenting your success. Get rid of those fucking people. Hang around, positive, motivated people. And then you guys, you create your own shit. Start filming it and then you come here and you storm the castle. You'll be the new wave. And I'll be wanting to get into your movies. So be on your TV show.

All right, so good luck to you. I think that's awesome that you're doing it at 16. You got more courage than I ever had. All right, here we go. Trying to stop masturbating. Well, you're talking to the wrong person. Talking to me about stop masturbating. You might as well talk to Colonel Sanders about stop frying chicken.

Taking the edge off. Bill Buford, hoping you get the drama reference. Of course I do. Or is it Beauford? I was never like, was he played for a yes? He played for one of those prog bands of the 70s. Didn't he? I have no idea.

Big fan of your work and I thought, Bill Buford, right? I used to get him and Alan White confused. I don't know why. Big fan of your work and I thought I'd get your input on this. I'm trying to stop jerking off. I'm not afraid of going blind or getting hairy palms or any of that shit. I've even read that there are health benefits to masturbating.

My primary concern is that I'm beginning to develop premature ejaculation. I've never heard of that. Not premature ejaculation, but by jerking off that you're... Well, maybe you know yourself too well. Right there, boom. Right there, boom. You just fucking all... It's over. I also can't help but feel disgusted whenever I bust one off. Call it Catholic guilt.

Yeah, it is Catholic guilt. I don't masturbate on an insane basis only once every two or three days. Jesus Christ, dude. You know, you like a fucking DH in my world. Fucking relief picture. But it's the only sexual activity I'm getting at the moment and I can't go more than around nine days without an intense urge to do it. Dude, this is really getting too personal for me.

I have a small dick and I'm fine with that. Learning to accept that my dick is below average in length has freed me from my penis envy and it was a disproportionately large weight off my chest. It's the sexual equivalent to the last rap battle in eight mile. You can't tell me shit I don't already know but having a small dick and being a minute man is more than I can take. Yeah, you don't want the combo platter there.

I know that you've advised people to rub one off, rub one out on a different occasion and I respect that because things definitely come into perspective after you've finished masturbating but can you suggest any method for people who are trying to hold back on choking the chicken thanks in advance and go fuck yourself? No, I can't. I can't. I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

You know? I think if most of the dictators in the world would fucking rub one out and get a goddamn handy from some fucking chick dressed like a nurse I don't think that'd be any war until like two in the afternoon. I don't know. You definitely don't want to just be doing that to yourself. You want to be in some sort of a fucking relationship. You're fine with having a small dick as far as that goes.

I would definitely go downtown first. Make sure, you know, she's one up on you and then fucking have at it but you didn't ask me about that so I don't know. I don't know. I'm throwing this one to Dr. Drew again. Trying to hold back choking. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. That's the premature ejaculation thing I think might be a problem.

Yeah, it is a problem. You said you don't want that so I would consult a... You guys are really hit me with some heavy ones this week. You know? I don't know what to tell you. I would contact a therapist, a sex therapist or some shit. Let's see, what the fuck would I do? If I was premature ejaculating, I would rub two out.

And then I'd take my exhausted dick out and then I would see... I'd have a go then, see how that happened. That's all I got, right? That's what you get when you listen to a free podcast. That's the kind of advice you get. Yeah, I would go to a professional. All right? There we go.

Wow, those last two were brutal. Oh, the last two out of three. Except for the stand-up comedian one was awesome. That was a nice reprieve. Anyway, so that's the podcast for this week. I will be tweeting and Facebooking all the final details about the garage sale, the All Things Comedy garage sale. And you can call us up, bid on some stuff.

It helps the Wounded Warriors project. I'm also doing a quick spot at the Laugh Factory for Rob Schneider's show. All the proceeds will be benefiting all the victims and the survivors. I guess I should say of that typhoon out there in the Philippines. And that's it. That's my week. I think I got a gig in New Haven this weekend. And I'm going to the Harvard Yale game.

How fucking awesome is that? I'll be probably sitting amongst at least the next three presidents when I go to that game. I'm really looking forward to one of the first bowls. I think it is the first bowl that was built in this country as far as stadiums. So I'm really excited to see a game there. I'll be there with dude I called it Paul Verzi. And I'm actually going to bet the Cowboys with him next week just to make this fun, this whole bet. Him calling it.

Alright, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Oh yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of meat. Download the Maiden Laisen app and cook me. Yeah, top. The Laisen. Come with me to Cleveland.