Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-18-19

Episode Date: November 18, 2019

Bill rambles about mosquitoes, no football, and feeling alive.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday, November 18, 2019. What's going on? How are you? How's it going everybody? How was your week starting off? Huh? Well, you're doing something and having a good time and just fucking around and then somebody came in and decided to shut it down and they never felt more powerful and they felt more powerful. Why do you guys send me shit to try to fucking annoy me? Why do people send me this shit? They send me this thing where a comedian shuts down show at her own club over sexist jokes. Yeah, I don't even get this whole story. The comedian was 18 years old and already owns her own club. You know, I mean, hello privilege. Yeah, it's just one of those. It's just, it's just what's going on right now. I love also that this happened and it can't just happen. You know, and it's not like another audience member went out and tweeted about this person does it and then tweets about it. You know, does Superman go out and save somebody's life and just be like, yeah, you know, I was thinking of hanging in tonight, but I decided to fly around and I saw the bridge was out on one side of the track.

So I laid down so this train could get over, you know, my back's a little sore, but I got to tell you, never felt so, so powerful. Everybody. Oh my God, Superman, you're so brave. Um, it almost seems as though the fact that you did it, all right, but then you did it and then had to tell everybody that you did it that almost seems like you booked all of those comedians on purpose so you could do that. I mean, what you booked these these shows and you have no idea what you're booking. I don't know. I've never felt so alive. Sorry, I never felt so alive. Um, Jesus, I mean, just talk about like, I gotta be honest with you, I've never enjoyed crowd pleasing comics. I've never enjoyed them, you know, just lingering going for the applause and all that. And this is literally like the social media version of this. And I also wonder if there was a bunch of female comics up there, trashing men wire to wire in their set. And those women do exist, but they never get in trouble. It's always misogynistic this misogynistic that I literally had to look this word up. It's called misandry. You know, you know, what the fuck are you going to do? I don't know. I've never felt more powerful. Well, I would feel powerful if I had my own fucking comedy club at 18 years of age.

And then I walked in the room and I go, everybody stop what they're doing. This show is over because I said so. So whoever that person is, congratulations for being 18 years old and having your own club. At least that's the way it's word. Her own club. It wasn't her own show. I would guess it was her own show. But she didn't like what was going on. So everybody had to fucking go home. This is what we need to be talking about. You know, sit on my back porch during the fucking day and somehow I got eaten alive by mosquitoes and I looked it up and evidently this is fucking mosquito from Asia. That's called the ankle biter and they think it came over in a container or something like that. It fucking it bites you multiple times. I mean, you think that this would be like a priority like, hey, while it's the population is still small and it doesn't need like a giant thing of standing water.

They say they can have like a, the size of like a water cap full of water. So I was thinking, well, why wouldn't we then as a city and a state just go buy a bunch of dragonflies or some shit that can just knock this thing out in the most healthiest way ever? You know, the least damaging to the environment or something like that. Dragonflies kill mosquitoes, right? Does that what happens? No, we're just going to fucking accept it because there's no fucking money in stopping those things. Okay, but if everybody over here starts getting West Nile virus and babies start having birth defects, just think of all the money that insurance companies are, sorry, fucking health care. What do you call those people? The pharmacists, pharmaceutical companies will make. It's just unbelievable, but that gets no fucking traction. Nope, we should be freaking the fuck out that that's going on right now. Nobody gives a fuck, but a comedian who books the fucking comics. Now aren't you responsible? You're responsible.

What kind of terrible job did you do booking that show? If it's your show, you booked it and then you were so offended by the fucking talent that you actually had to stop the show mid fucking show. You know, and then, and then you go on Twitter and you paint yourself out as a fucking hero rather than you fuck the whole thing up. If that's not the comedy you liked, then maybe you should have done a little more research. I would have been like, I've never felt dumber in my life. I booked the show and Jesus Christ and ended up being the exact opposite kind of comedy that I enjoy. And I think I really know the kind of comedy that everybody should be listening to, so I had to shut it down. You know, like when an athlete shuts up and fucks up, I mean, and before the media can jump all over him, he just goes, you know, I take responsibility. That loss is on my shoulders. You know, I got to get out there. I got to do better. You know, they do that type of shit. This is what this person is doing while painting themselves out as a hero. Tonight I shut down a string of misogynistic stand up comedians.

As in, as in, I walked on stage in the middle of one of them talking, addressed the audience, offered a full run, full refund, told them it would not be tolerated here, pulled the show, and it's comic from our theater immediately. Lights on, go home. I have never felt more alive than right now. Well, if it's your, you booked them. I don't know, man. It seems like a big fucking career move to me. Who is this brave person? I'll tell you what, I went down to the pound and got a pack of wild dogs and released them on some children. And when they attacked them, I did not like what I saw and I shot all the dogs. I have never felt more powerful. Bill, how did you know to have the firearm on you before those dogs reached those children? Well, as mentioned before, I was the one who purchased the dogs and released them on the children. Do you consider yourself a hero? Yes, yes, I do. And I've never felt more powerful.

2019 everybody. 2019 you don't do the research, you create the fucking problem and then you go in and solve the problem that you knew was coming and then you paint yourself as a hero and then people back you up. That's so awesome. I went down and I bought some matches and I lit some newspaper on fire and I said, wait a minute, stop it. And I fucking poured water on it and put it out. I've never felt more powerful. Oh my God, the lives you saved. All right, so that's where we're at. Well, congratulations to her. We are at a place now where comedians are censoring other comedians that they hired to do the show, evidently, unless I'm missing something in that story, which I'm sure I'll fucking hear something. Actually, if you fucking dare, you fucking bald-headed, red-headed fuck.

I don't give a shit. That whole story just makes me sad that this is what we've become, you know, and I want to congratulate all those people who've wanted to censor comedians, what you've done has worked. Comedians are now censoring other comedians and it's now going to be the kind of show, I don't know what it's going to be. It ain't going to work. It's not going to work. What they're going to do is they're just going to create separate scenes, I guess, in comedy, you know. There's going to be for those people that want, I only want jokes about stuff that I can handle. I only want jokes. I never want the comedian to joke about anything that would hurt my feelings. Everything else, however, is still on the table. That fucking shit. And then after that, then they'll go into music and they'll tell musicians what chords they can play.

Too many minor chords is depressing. Do minor chords create depression that leads to suicide? I think it does. We had a singer-songwriter come into the club and he sang three sad songs in a row and I rang a bell and I said, uh-uh, show is over. I've never felt more powerful. Oh, my country, kiss of thee. All right, let's talk football. I didn't watch one down of football this weekend. I got behind in my studies for my instrument rating here, so I was almost ready to tap out and just be like, well, maybe I'll just take it next year. I just don't have the fucking time. Or I can make a sacrifice.

I could not watch my LSU Tigers, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Give up 600 yards in offense. What are you, 58, 37, something like that? Is that what it was? We've led up like 75, 76 points in the last two weeks. I mean, I don't know. I'll tell you right now, beat fence wins, winch champion chips. So I'm sure they know what they need to be working on between now and that game in January if they're lucky enough to get there. Uh, so, and then my new England Patriots beat the Philadelphia Eagles. I like how somebody wrote, uh, I saw on Twitter, somebody wrote, you know,

every team that we beat on the way to going to, and including in the Super Bowl has gotten their vengeance against us this year. It's like, no, they didn't. He won the Super Bowl. There's not one Patriots fan that is excited. You know, the way the last two games worked out overall, we would have read, we would have rather won the previous one and lost that one. So you're still doing all right. Let's say you're fine. You got the monkey off your back. You do have a trophy. And as long as the Jets don't keep winning it, you know, you don't have to worry about getting trashed about any sort of a drought. The fucking Jets are 50 years in, half a century in. And I'll tell you, if, if Massachusetts was as childish as New Yorkers are, we would be chanting the year at them.

Um, that's my favorite thing right now is when New Yorkers talk about how obnoxious Patriots fans are. It's like, oh really? As opposed to what? The fucking assholes in the outfield at Yankees games, those idiots. Great behavior in the playoffs this year, by the way, Yankee fans. Absolutely fantastic. Um, there was a co-class, class city, Boston class city, then they turned around their fucking throwing shit on the goddamn field. Let's not forget, weren't they the ones that they threw a knife down from the upper deck? Um, anyways, oh, and let's get that. Let's get to the big fucking thing in the NFL. I did see Thursday night. I did see the replay. I got to make sure I have all the fucking names right.

Uh, that Cleveland Brown helmet incident there. I don't think I've ever seen a more of a fucking, like, overreaction. I know you're not supposed to do shit like that, but like, I, that whole fucking thing was the hot chick at the bar. Starting a fucking fight and then the shit hits the fan. Everybody, all the other combatants are arrested, fined and all of that shit. And then she just gets to walk out of the bar like, oh my God, the fucking fuck this place. What the fuck was that? Dude, Mason Rudolph was as guilty as anybody in there. And just cause he got his big dumb head hit by a fucking helmet doesn't make him innocent.

He was a willing participant. A lineman got in the way of him and that guy on the fucking Browns. He continued to pursue the fight. He was trying to rip the Cleveland Brown guys fucking helmet off and he got his own helmet ripped off and then he gets fucking dinged in the head. So lightly that after it happens, he immediately turns around to the referee like, oh my God, I'm a quarterback. You can't fucking do that. Shout out to that guy in the Steelers who went like fucking, he came in like, remember back in the day, the old school wrestling when the wrestler would come out of the locker room. I came running down throwing haymakers, you know, he did that fake kick to the head.

It was literally a fake kick. He started to kick and he kind of alligator around it. And then, you know, it's hilarious. And then what happens is, is all these fucking people who aren't happy with their own lives and they don't like that these NFL players drive fucking killer cars and fucking top shelf Johnny Walker blue pussy are all like, that guy should have been let out of that stadium and handcuffed. All I can say is that I hope that there weren't. Which I knew there were a bunch of children watching that and looking at their father and being like daddy. Is that what football is? What I saw was the guy in the Cleveland Browns defending himself from this, this fucking hot chick, you know, who's just so used to, you know, Mason Rudolph coming into the league after all these quarterbacks have taken all these fucking hits and all of this shit and all these fucking

fucking rules have been made so that even when you have an incomplete pass 90% of the time it's like fucking pass interference and you get to drive down the field at the end of the game like you're fucking John L. Way, which you're not. And that's not enough for you. Now you're going to sit here and you're going to fight with the fucking was this guy a linebacker you're going to sit there and fight with this fucking guy. How the fuck does he not get anything? It's unfucking believe and then they're going to sit there and act like he hit him with the helmet. All right, yeah, he shouldn't have done that. But you know, what about as we have actually after the guy gets fucking it, he turns around like, oh my God, you fucking see.

Then the ref comes over like he owns the bar that the shit happened and everybody else gets fucked over. It was a fight. Dude, did you ever go go look at old NFL films because people are I was the most disgusting display I've ever seen in my history or watching this game. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. Guys don't remember the Oakland Raiders in the 70s. Skip Thomas, Jack Taven, Willie Brown and that other guy that I can't remember and literally his move. It was almost like he let you catch the ball.

You'd catch the ball and then he would just fucking with his forearm. He would punch you in the side of the head as hard as he could knock you out. That was his move. He did it to Lynn Swan just came out, clocked him in the side of the head, concussion knocked him out of the fucking game. The guy made a career doing that. And now all the all these years later. Oh, my most disgusting fucking thing I've ever seen. I don't know.

I thought that that was that Miles Garrett is the only in the other guy in Pittsburgh for coming to his defense. They get suspended and the fucking guy who was in the middle was 50% of the reason why that whole thing went down is immediately considered the fucking victim. Now, I know somebody, few people are playing the fucking race card. I think it's just the hot chick in the bar. That's what it is. You know, you have a hot chick in your bar, a bunch of guys are going to come in trying to hit on her. She's going to shut them all down and they're all going to spend a bunch of money on drinks. Okay.

The fucking quarterback is the hot chick at the bar. Nobody gets protected more than him. The wide receivers are like that good looking cousin. But it's pretty much all about the quarterbacks in the fucking league. You know, having said that, I don't know. He is sort of the prototypical fucking white guy, you know, full head of brown head hair with the square jaw. I don't know. Maybe there is something to it.

Who the fuck am I to say? And I'm going to stop this right now before an 18 year old comedian comes in and shuts down my podcast and never feels more powerful. Yeah, you can't have that. They find the right people, but I don't know, I'd say like a fucking. I would have gone maybe two games, two game suspension. He's not going to do that again. You know, his emotions got the better of him, but the fucking hot chick there kept ramping him up. The only thing that was missing in that little domestic violence thing looking there is when the refs came in to break it up.

What's his face? What the hell is his name? Mason Rudolph should have jumped on the cops back being like, that's my boyfriend. Get your fucking hands off him. All right, I didn't think it was that big a deal. I don't think it's as big a deal as ridiculous fucking disease riddled fucking mosquitoes coming in from Asia. Global warming 90% of the species of fish being fished out of fucking the ocean. You know, those stories pale in comparison to a comedy show that's not going in the direction you want to go in and football players behaving too violently in this violent fucking game.

That was the most disgusting display, you know, not the results of playing football and guys committing suicide. That right there was the ugliest thing you've ever seen in this game. All right. Okay. Well, you know what? Let's agree to disagree. How about that? How about that?

Here comes Pat. All right, what do we got here? What else did I want to talk about here? Now, wait a minute, where the fuck is, oh, here it is. You know, I'll tell you, it doesn't take, it doesn't take much to fuck me up. I watched the end of the Formula One race. I had my kid all weekend. My wife had family in town.

I'll tell you what's hilarious. Her new expression is not white now, maybe tomorrow. She says that about everything. Hey, you want to try to go potty? Not right now, maybe tomorrow. Thank you. Maybe tomorrow. And one of her aunts got her little Doc Mcstuffin outfit.

So she takes the stethoscope every five seconds, listens to your heart, and then I taught her to put it on your back and breathe in and breathe out. And then she goes, you're healthy. She probably did that 40 times yesterday. I don't know. I had an awesome time hanging out with her. And when she was napping, I was studying and I didn't watch any goddamn football, but I did catch the end of that F1 race.

Another great, this was a really, I thought, I thought was a really enjoyable season, a Formula One. And a shout out to Ferrari. You know, as much as I've rooted for them and they've had bad strategic pit stops and everything, I will tell you this, that unlike Mercedes, if they get wheel to wheel, they don't give a fuck and they race. And as much as they took each other out and they both got it, did not finish yesterday, it was exciting as hell.

Watching those two guys go at it like they weren't on the same fucking team. I wish every team would do that. I know Force India used to do it. It was tremendous. Knocking each other out of the race all the fucking time. It was like you watching the beginning of days of thunder. Congratulations to Pierre Gasly on his first podium and shout out to Lewis Hamilton for owning up to messing up there and knocking that other fellow there out of the race and

another championship to him. And also the MotoGP is over for the year. I've been studying. I missed the last three races, but I've been keeping up on them and everything. I got them all. What's great is you can just go to their website and watch them. When I get on the other side of this test, I'm definitely going to watch them. And speaking of racing, I went out and I saw Ford vs Ferrari last night.

I went out. I was like, you know what? I am so far. I haven't seen The Joker. I haven't seen Kill the Irishman. I didn't see that other movie that begins with a P. I think it's called Parasite. And I went out.

I saw it. I fucking loved it. I loved it. And not to mention there has got to be like fucking $100 million worth of cars in this movie if the cars were real, you know? Christian Bale as always was fucking amazing. Matt Damon plays Carol Shelby. The manliest man ever with the most effeminate name, Carol.

That quits a central white woman name. I don't want to ruin any of the movie, but Christian is just fucking every fucking movie he's guys in. Every fucking movie the guy's in. He just crushes it. How old is that guy? And I also forgot where he's from. Oh, he isn't an English actor because I was like, he is crushing this fucking English

accent. So definitely, I definitely recommend that one. I went to look a review of it and some douche wrote this is like a classic dad movie and blah, blah, blah, blah. And he talks about how, you know, Ford and Ferrari getting this absolutely ridiculous competition. Like, I am so sick of fucking beta males. Like if there's anything like fucking manly, it like told, it's so affects them that they

just have to like, just, I don't know what it is. They have to like, it's just, I don't know shit about cars. All right. But I can sit there and watch a bunch of guys that are geniuses with it and listen to this guy drive a car around the track and know what is wrong with the car by the way it's handling. I wish I was that manly, but I mean, I'm not going to like then just say that it's ridiculous. It was incredible.

They considered us inferior. They considered our car designs vulgar and they were more refined and all of that type of stuff. It's the classic underdog story. I don't know how you can't get combined just get behind it just because you don't know how to change the fucking oil on a goddamn car. You take it over to Jiffy Lube, which I do too. I even do that on my old truck.

The only reason why I do is because the way it was designed, the way the frame is one giant piece goes from one side to the other side of the frame on my F 100 and it's right under the oil pan, right where it would drain out and the oil would go all over the place. I mean, I know how to do it. I still have my old oil filter wrench. That used to be my favorite fucking thing. You know, doing like regular maintenance. Back in the day when I had my first, I had a baby pickup truck and an 83 Ford Ranger

fire engine red just like my pubes and I used to do everything on that thing, including changing the fuel filter, which I fucked up one time. It was cold outside. I ended up snapping the line. I snapped it off and then I was like, fuck. So I had to have my truck towed over and I told the mechanic down there what I had done. I literally left the fuel filter on the seat. There was some sort of miscommunication.

This guy went to start it up and they had a fire and it was hilarious. The guy called me. I'd be yelling at me. Be like, oh, we just had a fucking fire. I said, dude, I told you I snapped it up. You said you twisted us. Like I said, I snapped. I said, I snapped it off.

You said you drink. I said, I'm so fucking sick of you fucking guys. You fucking weekend worries. You start the fucking job. You fuck it up and then you bring it down. All this fucking scream and I had brought this goddamn truck over to this guy for eight fucking years. And if this guy had just said to me, amen, I fucked up, but it was a miscommunication.

I would have paid for fucking half of it. You know, but instead he starts fucking screaming and yelling at me. Then he tried to pull this bullshit where he tried to not charge me for it. And my dad gave me the heads up going, you make sure you paid for it down there. Because if he doesn't charge you, there won't be a record that the truck was in that shop. So I said, no, I'll pay for it. And he kind of gave me this look and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I towed the thing away and I ended up fucking going out and I just.

Bought on my own pocket. I put a brand new fucking engine in it, but we never fixed the electrical. What's hilarious is I drove that new engine. That other guy tried to fuck me over. It was a patient of my dad's. And what I learned in that one is never trust a mechanic with a manicure, which is what he had and ghost white fucking teeth and wore a cologne. And I remember he said, we also need to rebuild the carburetor.

I said, I think the carburetor is fine. He put the engine in and he had the thing running so fucking rich. I almost had to like pull over for gas like every eight miles. So I brought it to a shop and the guy goes, no, and he just turned a couple screws on the side of the carburetor. I should have called that fucking piece of shit up. I never did. I wasn't into confrontations.

If you can tell from this story, people keep victimizing me and I just keep paying for it. So, and then I never, I never got the electrical finished and then I ended up having a fire and the fucking thing burned down. So that happened. But I'll tell you, I remember I was, and the reason why I put a new engine in it rather than buying a new car was I was planning on moving to New York and I didn't want to take on all this debt. So I would rather, you know, back then it cost me about 1500, two grand or something

like that for the whole fucking thing underrated keeping your car and putting a new powertrain in it, you know. And then what's great is you have like this, I mean, I didn't put the whole, like I didn't have a new transmission, but if I went like front to back, brand new underneath, you know, you, it's essentially you got a resto mod going on, right? Except you left everything regular and then all I had to pay off was 1500 bucks rather than like the cheapest car way back then was probably like nine grand or something like that, like a Toyota Tercel or something, which was a great car as far as like if you were

a comedian, you drive that thing to the ends of the ends of the world. I remember I almost bought one because my buddy Bob Molly comedian out of Maine, he bought one. He almost talked me into get one. And then I was like, now you know what? I'm just going to put the engine in. I remember this woman at work was just like, I thought you're buying a new car. I said, you know what?

I decided to put a new engine in my old truck instead. And she just kind of made this weird face. I was like, that was stupid. And she was beautiful, you know, like Mason Rudolph. I was like, maybe I'm, maybe I'm at fault. So anyway, that's what I did. I don't know. I'm just talking all this fucking car shit, but definitely go see Ford versus Ferrari.

Don't listen to these fucking beta males talking about this fucking or just, I don't know. People who are just sick of fucking guys going out doing shit, even if they actually did it and it's part of history, it's a fucking incredible story. And I don't know. I also recommend there's a book called the limit. I brought this up a couple of times. And it's about the first American that won the F1 championship. And once again, they thought that we were inferior, you know, loud, obnoxious cowboys,

which, you know, who's kidding? Oh, I mean, we kind of are. So it's an incredible race, but you also learned stuff about Enzo Ferrari, like how fucking just I don't know when it all cost that guy was like when the cars would once one of his drivers would die. His he'd say that he would be like, Oh my God, that's terrible. And then his next question would be is how's the car? So I don't know if they kind of conveyed that in the in the movie. But I will tell you, he just speaks Italian and it sounds amazing.

What a what a fucking language. Anyway, all right, let's read some of the advertising here. So Bill gives Ford versus Ferrari to freckled thumbs up. All right. Fucking great movie. All right, untuck it. The holidays are almost here. Do be do be do.

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Alright, let's talk drums everybody. I know I've been studying and I haven't been watching fucking football. I taped a few games. I'll get caught up. But I gotta tell you, I have been playing some drums. And one of the great things about playing an instrument is you know you're kind of swirling around in the eddy for a while and then all of a sudden a couple of things come together and your playing goes to another level. And all of a sudden shit you couldn't handle, you can now handle, at least fake it. And I started playing along to some songs that had mystified me for years.

Years, one of them being Led Zeppelin The Crunch, which is one of the most misunderstood Zeppelin songs of all time. The amount of articles out there talking about saying that that is a funk song and that Led Zeppelin was actually had a lot of funk in them is not true on any level. It's an incredibly fun drum beat to try and fucking play and keep up with, but there is nothing about that song that is even remotely in the category of funk music, I would say. I think it was their attempt. It was four white guys from fucking England who heard James Brown and that's what they came up with on their first attempt. Do I have the audacity to make fun of Led Zeppelin? I think I do. I think I do.

They're an amazing band, absolutely, but I would not call them a funk band on any fucking level. But anyways, played to that. Then what's the first song on Jeff Beck Blow by Blow? That's another one that mystified me. Then there's another song on that album and the guy starts with like a drum solo and I was like, I can figure that out now. What the fuck is that song? I can't leave you hanging now, right? Here we go.

Here we go, Jeff Beck blow by blow right there. Is it this one? You know what I mean? That's the one. That's the one. That used to fuck me up for the long. What the fuck is, you know, and then that little stupid drum fill. There's one here too that starts with like a drum solo.

Is this it? Where is it? That ain't it, but goddamn, how much fun is that to play? Is it this one? Is it Freeway Jam? So I had to listen that twice to figure out what the fuck he was doing. Yeah, that shit. Now, I know there's a thing you can go on YouTube and you can fucking look those songs up and then play it at like fucking 190th the goddamn speed.

Oh, you can try to figure it out. I highly recommend trying to figure it out first before you get the little bits in there to make the whole thing happen. Same thing with like learning guitar. You know, when you just have like a song lesson and the person just shows you how to play it. Back when I used to mess around with guitar, I used to always like whenever the guy's hand was on the guitar, he showed me the first chord. Then I would turn my back to the video and just listen to him play and listen to what he was saying. It was still way easier than trying to figure out yourself, but like you at least start to develop your musical ear. And then I started to just try to figure out songs on my own.

And if you ever want to become the person that can figure out shit on their own, you have to try to figure out shit on your own. It's the only way to do it. But the temptation nowadays with all the technology to just get all the answers for the test. Speaking of which, you know, if it wouldn't save my life someday, if I could just get all the answers to the fucking test for this instrument thing, you know, some of these days I would actually consider it. But this week, I am just going to, I'm just doing a chapter a day. I'm up to chapter six, there's eight chapters. I'm doing six today, seven tomorrow, and then eight on Wednesday.

And then after that, I'm doing two chapters a day every day until the end of the fucking year. I'm going to take this test and hopefully I'll fucking pass it. And if I don't, I'll still be, I'll still get it next year. Although there'll be a whole new series of fucking test questions on the test or whatever. But you know, I'm a busy fella. I did a bunch of stand up this weekend. I opened for Aisha Alpha at the Dynasty typewriter and she recorded her album and just, I gotta tell you, I was blown away. You know, I remember the first time I was recording, you know, a CD and all of that.

It's like nerve wracking. And she showed up totally chill, relaxed vibe. You know, I did my bullshit for like 10, 12 minutes up in front of her and then she just came out first show. Usually the first show you're tight, you're like, okay, great, we got the thing like documented. And then the second show you loose and you fucking kill it. She came out like second show, relaxed, crushed it and came off stage, wasn't doing that comic thing of, oh, Mrs. Tag. She came off. She was like, that felt great.

I'm psyched. You know, can't wait to do the next one and then came out and knocked out the second one. It had an even better set on the second show. Very proud of her and psyched that she's doing this with all things comedy. And I did a couple of shows Thursday night, one down at Largo on Kyle Dunnigan's show. And then I did a set on Josh Adam Myers show. Happy belated birthday to him down at the comedy store. And I have all of this fucking new shit.

This whole new chunk just came out. I cannot wait. And I'm down Largo on Thursday of this week. And I will be, I will be knocking that shit out man. I'm ready to go. If I actually had a big theater gig with a paying audience, I would not be nervous. The new hour is ready to go. I got like an hour and 15 an hour and 20 and I'm happy with all of it is like a jump off point.

I cannot fucking wait to be on the road next year. I'm going everywhere. It's going to be fucking awesome. Very, very, very excited. And I'm also excited to say that today is, what is it? November 18th. I am one week away from going an entire year, 365 days. Oh wait, no yesterday, right?

Whenever fucking November 24th would be that's six days away. I'm six days away from going a whole year. And my record is 367 days. So I got to get to like Wednesday, a Tuesday, Wednesday and next week or something. And I also wanted to go a whole, I've always wanted to go a whole calendar year, January 1st to December 31st and also an entire birthday. So I think I'm going at least till June of next year. And I hate to say this to all the drinkers out there because I love drinking and I definitely miss it. The pros of not drinking are too many, I don't even know how to begin.

The shape that you get in, the sleep that you get, the way you look, your face clears up, you're not all bloated, underrated, watching other people get drunk. Oh my God, just feeling that moment in the night. You know, the energy and the bars and people are starting to get crazier. People start saying dumb shit. You get to watch the stupid arguments, not in a judging way. Just being like, oh, I've done that, I've done that, oh Jesus, did that, I did this too. You know, all of that type of stuff is just like, you know. To go an entire year and never wake up in the morning thinking, oh no.

You know, and then having to make that phone call. All right, not surprised you didn't pick up. I didn't mean it like that. I was trying to be funny. It has been tremendous. Well, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I think I might be done. I might be done.

And that's no longer sad to me where I used to be like, oh, come on, man, you know, you're never going to have a nice cold beer again. You're never going to have a fucking whiskey. It's all starting to fade and it's pretty cool. I think it's great that my daughter has never seen me drunk. I wouldn't want to do that. So, you know, God damn it. I'm a dad now. I can't do it.

Can't fucking do it. So who knows? Maybe at some point, I'll just maybe do it on the road. I was thinking if I ever came back, I would just do it on the road. Like one night, if I worked every other weekend, one night on that run. So that'd be two days a month, 24 days a year, I'd go out and get shitfaced. But I'm just kind of worried that I'd then, that would become two. And then I would be drinking here in LA and I just, and that's just how it always went.

Then I'd be, you know, I'd always knock it down and then it'd be fine. And then it would slowly be in control and it would just get ramped up and out of control again. Just like everything in my life, my anger, my eating habits, all of that. I always get it under control and it slowly spins out of control again. I don't know. Who knows? So I don't know. You know, now I'm feeling bad that I fucking was talking about that comedian.

She's only 18 years old. You know what? God bless you. You did what you thought was right. And you are 18. So maybe in the future, you'll be more accepting of, you know, people doing stand up in a way that you wouldn't do stand up. But I do stand by, I don't think it's healthy that stand up comedians are going to now

censor what other stand up comedians have to say. I mean, I've been doing this for 27 years. I would never do that to another comedian. I have seen plenty of comedians that I don't like what they're saying. I don't agree with what they're saying, but I would never try to prevent them from doing what it is that they want to do on stage. I don't feel that I have the authority to ever do that, even if it was my show. I wouldn't do it.

All right. That's my own two cents. All right. All right. Who to support? Dear William Wallace, I'm a huge sports fan from Scotland and have increasingly enjoyed watching the NFL over the last few years. Oh, that's great.

I'm wondering what advice you would give on whether or not I should pick a team to support and how to do it. I did a random team website generator thing and it spat out the Kansas City Chiefs. That's a good team to go to be rooting for. Should I just go ahead and go for them? I used to date a Texas girl, so maybe the Texans. Anyways, keep up the good work and any advice would be welcome. I think you have to pick a team that's good now if you're going to get into a new sport.

I don't think you have to pick the top team because then you're kind of piling on. So Kansas City, I think is the perfect one. It's kind of like how when I got into racing, as much as I am German, I should be rooting for Mercedes. They're the top team. It's like I can't fucking root for those guys. So I was kind of in, you know, Daniel Ricardo, I liked, you know, Max Verstappen. I do root for Ferrari to be as good as Mercedes, which hasn't happened.

But you know, you just can't like Pylon. Same thing with college football. Alabama has just been the team since I've really gotten into it over the last 12 years and I couldn't just Pylon for them. So I just picked a rival of them. The Patriots have been on top forever. So the Kansas City Chief seems to be next in line. Maybe the Baltimore Ravens as far as two of the most exciting new young quarterbacks

in the AFC. I think he, I think he did all right with Kansas City Chiefs. And also you get to root for Andy Reed, who's been so fucking close. He can taste it. No pun intended. He'd be a fun guy to see win one. He really would be. All right.

Here we go. Here's another one for you. The worst father ever from Malaysia. And I believe they had a Formula One race that they don't do anymore. They had a really cool track too. All right, dear Mr. Burr, I am a big fan of you and your caustic sense of humor. Yesterday I came across this news piece that I would like to bring to your attention. All right.

First of all, if this English is your second language, I mean, I don't even use the word caustic. All right. That's amazing. All right. This is, this is possibly, this is possible. The worst example of parenting I have ever seen. A daughter's obsession with meeting Andy Lau drove her idiotic father to sell their house to finance her trip to Hong Kong to meet the guy.

She actually met Andy, but the guy didn't engage her in conversation. He's extremely popular in PRC. All right. Well, I got to look this shit up. I got to find out who this guy is. All right. What is PRC? China.

People, Republic of China. Okay. I'm an idiot. All right. And who is this guy? Andy Lau. Is he a pop singer? Is he a fucking made met guy in the, in Andy Lau?

Who's Andy Lau? Andy Lau is a Hong Kong actor and singer. Oh, look out. Jesus. He's crushing it. There's not enough broads and fucking the people's Republic of China contained that guy. All right. Good for him.

All right. So he barely, he barely engaged her in conversation. He's an extremely popular in the people's Republic of China has bodyguards and gets like 100 requests to meet a day. So the father killed himself after writing a 12 page, 12 page suicide note, 12 pages. He probably intended to send everyone a guilt trip that has lasted until now, the silly cunt. How could someone make his own daughter and are an orphan over that?

This is fucking tragic. I thought this may be worth your attention. Well, I hope people don't blame the fucking guys. That guy's living in a bubble. Wait a minute. Jesus Christ. I'm sitting here pat myself on the fucking back that I, that I took a, I took fatherhood so seriously that I quit drinking.

This guy, he goes to me to the Justin Bieber over there and the shit doesn't work out the way he wants. He fucking kills himself. All right. The father jumped into the sea in 2007 with his suicide intended to make Andy Lau guilty and force him to meet his daughter. The man's wait in 2007. How old is this fucking story?

I don't get it. I don't know what's good. Am I getting trolled here? The man's daughter. I can't say that name. Yang something or other was a big fan of the Hong Kong actor singer. Yang now 41 was so fixated 41 was so fixated with meeting her idol that her parents felt compelled to help her achieve her aim and give her her happiness to pay for a trip to

Hong Kong. The dad sold the house, but his offer to sell his kidney to a hospital was rejected because it was illegal in March 2007. Jeez, you know, something a 41 year old daughter allowing her dad to do this shit. No wonder she's still living at home. This is crazy. She's got these people wrapped around her finger. She took a Wi-Fi with him, but was devastated that she'd not get to talk to him.

Well, yeah, I would think there's no no satisfying this person. Her teacher father teachers don't even make money over there upset over what he perceived as lousy and difference towards Ms. Yang took his life after pending a 12 page letter. And you know how eloquently was that written? This guy's a fucking teacher. I bet there wasn't one spelling error in there. And the letter he pleaded with Lao to meet his daughter, even if their chat lasted five minutes.

November 12 years later, Yang has told YouTube channel. See you later that she has gotten over her obsession with Lao and is full of remorse over her dad's. Okay, this all just reads. See you later. I think I don't think this story's true. I don't think that story's true. All right, took me fucking 20 minutes.

I don't believe it. I don't believe it. What is this website that I'm looking at right now? Thestar.com. That sounds like a fucking rag. I don't believe it. All right, advice for a lady. Sir Bill of the Red Crotch.

Yes, you may enter. Hi, I'm going through a really hard time with my boyfriend. And I'd appreciate having a male perspective on this. Okay, lighten the fuck up. Go make him a sandwich. This comedy show is over. All right, I'm having trouble convincing my boyfriend to have sexual relations with me. Well, there's a left turn.

All right, for a while now, I've had this feeling in my gut that something's wrong. I'm always horny, but he seems, but he never seems to be in the mood. Last weekend, I found out that he was lying about not being able to get it up. There was porn all over his phone. Oh God, he might have watched so much that he can't, he can't perform with the person anymore, which is a thing. I grill him. Okay, like, like, like you, as you do. And he finally comes clean and says that he's been jerking off about two to three times per week in the bathroom at work.

What's worse is that his porn features skinny broads who are clearly 19 or younger in some extreme bondage and torture type scenarios. Yeah, he took the ride. I bet if you saw what he was jerking off to a year ago, it was probably didn't even compare to that. That's what happens. It's like drinking. First, it's a couple of beers. Wow, I'm buzzed, man. And next thing you know, you're polishing off a bottle of whiskey in three nights, a third, a third, and a third.

Porn is the same way. You start off just watching two people fuck you last for a minute and then you just have to cast to keep going and going and going and going and going. All right, I'm really in doubt as to whether he's with me because he's attracted to me or he's only with me because we have a lot of the same interests and there's no way a five like him can get these nines and tens that he's been beating his meat to. What? Okay. All right. I know I'm a solid six, but I'm not ugly.

I have no idea what to think or what to do. My boyfriend and I are in our early 30s. I want a man to build a life with and have a family, but damn, the only ones not already married are either complete assholes or nerds who don't know how to fuck. Do you think you can help me out here? Thanks and tell your wife she's amazing. Go fuck yourself anonymous lady. I think you're being too hard on men. Okay, you're in your early 30s.

You're not in your early 70s. Okay. If this guy's not doing it for you, if you feel like this is this is a deal breaker, then I say you get out. Don't hang around for the holiday gift. Get out now. If this is something that you feel like you can work through it all. I don't, I'm a little confused on how you view his porn watching. Is this something that was always not cool in the relationship or was it okay every once in a while?

Then he took it too far. I don't know, but the main concern is his amount of porn watching versus the attention he's not been giving you has made you question whether or not he's attracted to you. So I feel your relationship is at a crossroads and this is not going to be a simply, hey, don't watch porn. Oh, by the way, he's jerking off at work. Are you overbearing the fact the guy can't fucking find a few moments to jerk off at home? I don't know. That's a hard thing to undo though, what he's doing. So he will probably need some help.

I don't know. You're going to have to ask yourself, are you going to want to work through this with this guy? Is he willing to come along? Do you trust him? If, you know, if no to all of those, then you might want to cut bait. And I would get a better feeling about yourself and a better feeling about the men that are out there. That's my advice. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Where is it? Where's my jingle? I'm trying to play it for you. It's time for advice. Hey, that's me from somebody else. All right. Wrong college choice. Hey, Bill Bubba Zanetti, big boy, burned baby burr.

I don't know what that means. All right. Big fan of your work, especially. Hey, Bill Bubba Zanetti, big boy, burned baby burr. Big fan of your work, especially after some family can't wait for the next season. All right. We've been doing punch up on it. Should be out the beginning of next year.

Hopefully I'm a college freshman and things are going well so far. But there are times where I can't help it feel I made the wrong choice in college. I won't say the college name, but the most I'll say is that it's one of those Christian schools where religion is a strong part of the campus life. Oh, all right. You went to do Jesus, you naturally a ton of people there are high on Jesus and as such can get on my nerves a lot. Granted, not everyone is like this.

I would think there would be no happy medium. But there are those that are quite self-righteous and brag about how many times they go to church. Jesus Christ, you paid to go to the school. One particular experience that sticks as I want to start going back to church. I just don't know which one to go to. Should I allow my religion to steal all of my fucking spirituality that I don't go to a positive place once a week?

I mean, it is a good thing to do. I actually think, you know, to kind of reset your brain after once a week to be like, hey, you know what? Do good things to others. You know, the basic surface of every religion is really cool. One particular experience that sticks with me this one time on a weekend where I was streamed the first Jesus Christ people. Can you proofread your shit here?

One particular experience that sticks with me was on one weekend I streamed the first Ghostbusters movie. This was my roommate's first time watching it and we get to the end where the main villain appears. He suddenly tells me to skip past this part to the end with the sudden urgency. I didn't know what the deal was, but he kept on urging me to so I reluctantly comply. Later on asked him what the deal was. He said that the movie was mocking the faith and that it was satanic.

This is without a doubt one of the most stupid things I've ever heard. I was raised Christian, but I'm starting to ask myself whether I still want to be. I'm not sure my college choice is really helping matters and I don't want to drop out as my parents have really helped me out and getting here. Any advice? Why can't you transfer? Just transfer. Just say listen, I want to get a college degree, but I can't even watch Ghostbusters because

my roommate is saying it's satanic. I don't mind being Christian, but this is like too Christian if you know what I mean. This is the thing. There's nothing wrong with any of these faiths. There's nothing wrong with any of them. As far as what the surface message is, which is to be a good person and be good to other people, there's nothing wrong with any of that. The deeper you go into it, there's nothing wrong with having a beer.

There's nothing wrong with occasionally engaging in certain behaviors, but when you do it all the fucking time or you go too deep, that's when it becomes everything in moderation. So maybe this is too extreme. So I would say just, you can still get your college degree. You don't have to go there. Just transfer. Like Joe Burrows did from Ohio State down to LSU. 10 and 0, baby.

That's what I would do. That would be my advice. I would say that you should, you should transfer. Can't you do that? Or do you have to transfer to another Jesus school or else they don't take the credits? I'm quitting my job. All right. Quitting my job.

Hey, yo, Billy Beach, Bob Beach, Bob, yo, Billy Beach, Bob. All right. Writing here from the old Republic of Republic of France. Love your work. Big fan of yours. How would you say that? I have a dilemma over here. I'm finally quitting my job to start to work on a project of my own.

Couldn't be happier. I did my current slash old work and computer. I did my current slash old work and my company, but man, I just hated a couple of my car. They are these two females. They have made my life miserable. Freaking politics and random acts of antagonism towards me, but I never let it get to me. I always mind my own business.

Well now, it's close to the end for me so I'm wondering should I like give them a piece of my mind or just take the high road and leave without saying nothing? My girlfriend has told me not to do anything. I'm just not in the mood to do anything. I'm just not in the mood to do anything. I'm just in the mood to say goodbye. I'm just not in the mood to say goodbye. I'm just not in the mood to say goodbye. My girlfriend has told me I've got that bug in me where I can go from zero to dark in a split second.

And it's true I've had terrible things that I thought up to tell these women but I'm not sure if I should go through with it or not. What would the 30 year old bill do? What would the 50 year old bill tell the 30 year old bill to do? Merci beaucoup. P.S. American music is great mate. But what about you? I don't know I think that means go fuck yourself. I don't know how to say it.

All right. Is he making fun of American music here? I got to click on the link here. He says American music is great. Let's see open the link. What do we got here? What do we got here? We have.

Oh Jesus, we have advertising. All right. The 30 year old me would definitely be thinking about saying something. Oh it's Jarrah Flies. Is that what it is? Sorry. Come on man. Oh that's a great album.

I used to listen to that my old Ford Ranger. The beginning years of my stand up career when that came out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it is. In a sense is broken. Yeah.

Broken. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I remember that. Anyways. The 30 year old me would want to do it just like you but the 50 year old me understands women way more than the 30 year old me.

And not only would I not say it, I'd be an absolute sweetheart. And you know if you want to get them just let them know what you're going to go do. That you're starting this thing and you couldn't be happier. Just let them know that you're starting a project of your own and you couldn't be happier. That's how you get people like that back. If you lose your shit and you say a bunch of rude shit to them. That makes women like that ecstatic that they got you. And what you don't know is that you've actually been frustrating the shit out of them.

If your description of them is true that you've never given into it. Okay. So go start your own project and be happy. That's what I would do. If you want to annoy them, just talk about how happy you are going off to go do your own thing and wish them all the luck in the world. That's what you want to do. All right.

Overrated, underrated. People who think hard work means, and I'm telling you buddy, the happier you are and the nicer you are. And, you know, they might even try a couple of fucking comments before you leave. And just look at them and smile. That's it. And it will fucking drive those two broads to the point that one of them might even try to fuck you because they have to have some sort of something.

Don't why they do that. I don't know, but don't do that because you have a girlfriend. All right. And that'll be even greater than shut it down. I have a girlfriend and I'm happy. All right. Thank you. God bless you.

See you. Overrated, underrated. Overrated people who think hard work means they deserve success. Yes, it's part of it, but it's not a guarantee. So when someone works hard and they don't achieve what they want, they blame other people. Here's an idea. Shit brains. Maybe working smarter was the edge you needed.

You know, I was with everything until you insulted the people you're trying to get to. All right. The second you call somebody shit brains, they're not going to listen to your message. Nobody deserves success. Success is a, I don't know. It's a mystery. You know, sometimes you're working harder than anybody else, but you're just not fucking, you're just in the wrong thing.

You know, I actually got my license to sell health insurance at some point and I worked my fucking ass off and had to take the test three goddamn times. And I was working my ass off and I wasn't successful at it because it wasn't my calling. So I think, you know, when you find, you have to find what you're good at. And I won't tell you working hard and not being successful and then complaining about it is, is never a good look. You know, competing with somebody and losing and then saying that they cheated is never a good look.

See every team that's ever played the fucking Patriots, it seems, you know, as they look the other way on all this other fucking shit that goes on. The fuck that I see recently, another prime example of fucking cheating that just, it just goes overlooked because it's, you know, it's not the Patriots. It's fine. It's okay. It's all right. 100% fine.

No problems. No problems whatsoever. Yeah. It's never a good look to blame other people and it's in it. And yeah. And to walk around feeling you deserve success because you've been doing something for a certain amount of time is an astoundingly arrogant thing. Um, yeah, it's you got to work your ass off and hopefully you're working as your ass off.

It's something that you're fucking good at. And then you also need to get a little bit lucky, which is what happened to me. The whole fucking reason I'm doing this podcast was dumb fucking luck that Bobby Kelly told me about him early on. So I had a leg up on some people. And then I've done it every fucking Monday since I guess that's the working hard thing. You know, dumb luck. So yeah, so I agree with it.

But I agree with everything you said other than telling people shit brains, although you might be talking to somebody who maybe just whines at you all the time at work. At that point, you're just venting, which I don't have a problem. All right, that's the podcast everybody go fuck yourselves. I will check in on you on Thursday. I'll try to watch that Patriots Eagles game. If I get time, very happy to come away with the victory as the NFC East has always been a tough one for the Patriots.

All right, I'll talk to you guys later.