Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-19-18

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

Bill rambles about stay-cations, the Patrice O'Neal Benefit, and banging your roommate.

Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne, it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, November 18th, 2018, what's going on, how are ya? As you can tell, I am not using my fucking mixer or anything right now, I left everything at home, I'm doing a little staycation with my wife. Staycation all I ever wanted, and we're having a great time, alright? Alright, and if there's other married people out there, I highly recommend it, it's cheap, it's a great way to reconnect with your spouse and be like, oh yeah, we love each other, remember? I totally forgot, you know, you get all caught up in your job, you got the kid, the fucking termites took over your fucking house, whatever the hell's going on in your world and then you start taking each other for granted. So, we've been out here for a couple days having a good time, it's weird though, once you have a kid, then you go on a staycation, you're loving it, but then you know, your kid's staying with the relatives and then you miss your kid, so you know, I don't know, whatever, what are you going to do? Nia's hilarious, I smoked a cigar last night, right? And I didn't finish it, so this morning, I went down to the hotel pool which was fucking gigantic and I already had it in my head that I was going to do ten laps there and back, counting as one, and this thing was like one of the biggest fucking pools I've ever been in, it was like literally two and a half times the size of, you know, even the average hotel pool. I mean, the deep end was eight feet and then ten feet, I mean, this is an old school, like it had everything but a diving board, you know, that's how old I am, I remember you'd go to a fucking hotel and not only did the hotel have an actual deep end, you know, because now you go there, the things are like fucking four feet deep, no diving is written all around the whole pool.

But back in the day, man, you'd fucking show up and it was a giant pool with a deep end, they'd have a fucking diving board and they would just say, hey man, you want to break your neck or drown yourself, you know, we have all the facilities out there for you to succeed at just that. So anyway, as I went down there and I swam around and like, I always have to go like the length of the pool underwater and like in order to make it, I had to come up to the surface and then do the crawl really quickly just to get to the final like four feet. And I was so goddamn out of breath and I still get like freaked out when I'm in pools and shit because I saw jaws at a certain age, that's why I can't go in the fucking ocean. And I was still thinking like, what if there's a fucking alligator, you know, some douchebag drug dealer, you know, or fucking boxer or rich person, you know, those are the people, you know, some fucking Saudi Arabian fucking prince buys a house in Hollywood. You know, they always, they always like fucking have a pet cheetah or some shit, you know, then everybody has the exotic cats and now this dude's got to top everybody else and he gets a fucking alligator and the thing gets loose and then slips into the pool. That's like, that's the shit that I think about when I go swimming. It's fucked, especially in a pool that big where I felt like I was in a lake. But anyway, so Nia ends up coming down, right?

And I told her it was like 10 in the morning and I still had like a little bit of that cigar left. I go, I might go back to the room and smoke the rest of that cigar. She goes, gross at 10 in the morning, you're gonna smoke a cigar at 10 in the morning. She goes, what are you? What are you a fucking crime boss? God damn, I really married a fucking hilarious woman. But anyways, before I tell you more about my staycation all I ever wanted, I got to tell you about the, the Patricio, the seventh annual Patricio Neal comedy benefit is going to be Tuesday, February 19, 2019 at 7pm at the city center theater where we always do it. New York, New York, 131 West 55th Street.

This is the most important show that I do every year. I'm going to thank everyone before you guys even buy tickets. We've sold out every single year and I can't even begin to get into it because I'll get too emotional. But like the level with which that you guys have, you know, just by buying tickets have helped out, you know, his family and everything. Like they've really been taken care of and are totally been blown away by the generosity of you guys showing up. And then of course all the comedians who've done the show for us throughout the years that, you know, I mean, it's a benefit. It's a free show for them and they always take time out of their schedule. We've had people fucking fly in.

So anyways, this is our lineup this year. All right. We have the fucking amazing. Now I can't do adjectives for everybody because I'm going to run out. I'm going to run out. Okay. Everybody on here is a fucking monster. We got Big J.

O'Kersen. We got Gary Gullman, Jim Gaffigan, Michelle Wolf, Rich Voss will host it as always. Cypher Sounds, Chris Redd with more names to be announced. Possible big time special guest is on the fence. This is just like it's an always, it always comes off. It's like a fucking high school reunion and Voss does the intros. He fucking trashes everybody and it's sort of like it's this fun standup show slash roast where we're just out there just giving each other shit. And it's awesome.

So anyways, like I said, Tuesday November 7th. Now you're probably like, well, how do I get, how do I buy tickets? Well, there's three ways to get tickets. You go to www.New York. Oh, sorry. www.NYCityCenter.org or you can call City Tickets at 212-581-1212. And there are hours of Monday through Saturday noon to 8 p.m. Sunday noon to 7 30. Or you can go to the box office 131 West 55th Street between 6th and 7th Avenue.

And there are hours are Monday through Saturday noon to 8 and Sunday noon to 7 30. And one of the fuck to these tickets go live. Of course, I don't have that goddamn information in front of me. But I know it's 9 p.m. Pacific time this Monday when you're listening to it today. I should say the 19th, I guess, right? Did I say at the top of the podcast that it was Monday, November 18th? It's Monday, November 19th. So anyways, sorry for the long all that information, but this really is this.

This is this is the biggest gig that I do every year because, you know, he just was such a special person and his family is so fucking awesome. And, you know, anyways, all right, let me get back. Let me get back to the podcast. All right. Oh, wait, I have other shit to talk about here. This is old, old Billy announcer. I'm loving life right now, dude.

Like staycation three days. That's all I fucking need. I'm German Irish. I don't need to fucking lay around for 10 days. You give me three fucking days where I can just hang out and fucking with my fucking absolutely gorgeous wife. She really is a beauty. And just we've been laughing our asses off just having a great fucking time.

So anyways, here's another one. International dates. All right. All links to these are going to be at billbird.com or you can go to the venue website for details. These are all my international dates for the first half of 2019. All right. The following dates are January 4th to January 13th. All right.

I'm going to be in Cologne, Germany. The next day I'm in Munich, Germany that I'm in often Bach, Germany that I'm in Tallinn, Estonia. I hope I say these fucking places right. Riga, Riga, Latvia, Budapest, Hungary, Warsaw, Poland, Berlin, Germany, Prague, Czech Republic, and we in Austria. I thought it was going to be in Vienna. Who the fuck is we in?

Well, we in Austria motherfucking sorry. And then, and then, and then, and then I got a fucking UK, Scotland run starting in February, February 26th. I'm going to be in Liverpool. Never been there. She loves you. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. The fucking Beatles. The next day I'm going to be in Glasgow, Scotland. Any versions, Glasgow. Remember that? He sang the Jack live there. Birmingham in England, Manchester on the 2nd of March.

And then I'm going to be in London, England for return engagement at Royal Albert Hall. All right. And then, all right. I know all you fucking Americans have fast forwarded through this because you don't give a shit, do you? April 29th. I'm going to be in Reykjavik, Iceland. All right.

Which is going to be my next little vacation. I'm going to go there a few days early, take my wife, Copenhagen, Denmark on the 30th, then Stockholm, Sweden. I've been there for fucking ever on the 1st of May, Helsinki on the 2nd, Oslo, Norway. I mean, those are the first ones when I was going overseas. Stockholm, Helsinki, Oslo. I love those places. And then Amsterdam.

Was that my first? Maybe that was my first one. Not Amsterdam. I went to Rotterdam. And I also did the Kilkenny Ireland Festival. Those are my first two international dates. So there you go. And then later on that year, I'm going to do a whole fucking run through Australia.

So next year, I'm going to be old fucking international. Billy. All right. With that, let's get back. Let's talk about, I don't know what I want to talk about, man, other than fucking Staycation's fucking rule. Let's talk about the Ohio State fucking Buckeyes. All right.

Can somebody explain to me how the fuck those guys are always in the playoff talk? It just blows my fucking mind. How are you ranked 10th in the country? And you're still going to be one of the top four fucking teams. How come college football cannot get that fucking right? I don't get how you can let up 50 over 50 fucking points to the goddamn Maryland Terrapins. You got a football team. They're fucking mascot as a turtle fucking drops 50 fucking points on you.

They just, they're always in it. I don't, I don't get it. That fucking year too. And they had the same record as Penn State and Penn State beat him head to head and Penn State stays home and Ohio State goes. I don't know what the fuck what they have on the board there. But once again, once, you know, something I used to like Ohio State, but now to me they're becoming like the Alabama of the fucking North and now I'm just fucking rooting against

them. They get all these fucking calls. It's fucking ridiculous. Um, so Michigan Ohio State is going to be the motherfucking game next week. I cannot wait for this game. I don't really hate Ohio State, but I just, you know, that always bug me that Penn State didn't fucking get in. You know, it's hard because I love Jason Lawhead and he's an Ohio State fan.

So that's the one thing that prevents me from fucking hating on Ohio State. But you know, even Ohio State fuck-eye fans, you got to admit, I mean, what the fuck? There's something going on. You're not going to admit it. You know, it takes a huge fucking sports fan to look at his team and be like, oh, you know what? Yeah, yeah, that was probably wrong there. Um, it's not like I fucking do that, right?

And I fucking stick up for all of my teams. I'm a hypocrite. What do you want from me? I'm the typical fucking guy. Anyways, Michigan Ohio State, this is going to be the fourth time Jim Harbaugh is going to go into Columbus or staying at home, whatever. He's going into Columbus this weekend and he's got to go in and he has to fucking get it done.

He doesn't have to get it done because there's no better head coach out there. So I think he'll be fine. But Michigan is fucking due. All right. And I actually think that the fact that Ohio State led up 50 points against God damn Maryland is actually a bad thing for Michigan because, you know, I mean, I'd listen, I've been just fucking reconnecting with my wife all fucking weekend, which has been awesome. So I've been like sports MIA.

So I didn't see any of it. I just saw the highlights and they're fucking coach there. Jesus Christ. I mean, he, he, he, every, none of that looked football related. It looked like he fucking, you know, his house burned down. His fucking wife left him. I mean, the emotion that, what the fuck's his name? Jesus Christ.

Irvine Urban, Urban Meyer. That's what the fuck it is. Poor bastard, man. He was acting like that fucking guy there that was trying to get on the Supreme court. That was his name. Kavanaugh. Right. That fucking, like how fucking weird is that guy's life right now?

Kavanaugh. He's just sitting there like, what the fuck was that? What was that? Like to get catapulted to that level of fame for something so fucking horrific. And then they just like, yeah, I guess there wasn't enough there. Anyways, get on with your life and your dream. See you later. Like I wonder what this has to be a name for that because now it's like he isn't famous

anymore or he's quickly going to go away. Like, um, that guy there, they were going after with, uh, for Shondra Levy. Right. Remember that? And everybody always goes, oh yeah, the 9-11 came and that knocked that fucking story off the front page and wasn't that guy relieved. And it turns out he didn't fucking do it. So it kind of fucked over his whole goddamn career.

But is there a name out there in the zeitgeist? That fucking word that I've learned this week. Is there a name for that that you have that level of fucking pain, uh, fame for something horrific and then all of a sudden, like, you know, it just, you get acquitted or whatever it just fucking goes away and then you just sit and they're like, what the fuck was that? Does it have a name? It's got to be somehow related to OJ Simpson, you know, guy, the trial of the fucking century. Everybody's saying he fucking did it, at least on the fucking, you know, white people were

saying that country got all fucking divided. Then all of a sudden they're like, no, he's innocent. Then that's it. And then he just fucking drives around. He could have got his life back together if he didn't kill two people that were the dominant, like as far as numbers like population, you know what I mean? Like so white people cared. So, you know, and white people are fucking everywhere for the most part, you know, so

then OJ, you know, and OJ likes to golf, so he's going to run into a bunch of white people, you know, he fucked up. Next time he does a double murder, he needs to pick a group of people that aren't represented so well at country clubs. Then I think he'll be able to, you know, kind of slip back into society. Am I giving OJ tips on how to kill the next two people? I mean, I think I am. Oh, guess what I fucking did?

Guess what all fucking freckles did? I went out and I bought three pairs of slacks and I'm really comfortable with it. I'm 50 years old and I finally decided that I'm going to dress my age. I'm going to look good because I'm not going to lie to you. I was looking in the mirror, you know, I'm in fucking great shape. I put a few pounds on with the staycation all I ever wanted. I put on a few, some fucking calories. I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention.

I'll tell you right now, I am a beat salad eating motherfucker, man. That shit fucking keeps me on track. You know, that's a nice fucking wake up call. You know, if I could just fucking lay off the goddamn booze, I'd get my flat stomach back again. But you know, I have a little hangover for being on the road. You know, the same way if I went out and ate McDonald's, I'm fine. You know, I start craving that. I was fucking hitting the bottle too hard.

So I got to, you know, that's what's cool about hanging with my wife is she doesn't throw down the way I do. You know, so then she's just like, all right, Bill, okay, all right, enough. And then I'm like, all right. And then she also drinks shit that I don't like, like champagne and fucking wine. So I'm like, you want another glass of wine? I'm like, yeah, not really. I mean, I like grapes, but I mean, how many can you fucking have? You know, it's weird.

Anyways, the fuck was I talking about? Slacks, right? So we went out and I bought myself a pair of navy blue, a pair of black slacks or near kept calling them trousers. She's like, are they going to hem your trousers? Right. Which always reminds me of that fucking Louis CK joke when he was talking about whenever he would call phone sexy, we'd always get that 80 year old woman on the phone going, I'm taking off your trousers. Anyways, yeah, I gotta admit, last night I wore my fucking my trousers on stage and a benefit for the American Legion out here.

And I had a sport coat on the whole fucking thing just dressed my goddamn age. And other than being a little more hot on stage because I basically was wearing a jacket. I like it. Is there a name for that talking through a yawn? And I did you stories through that. He goes, you know, I'll tell you, Bill, you know, you're gonna have a good show tonight. But anyways, I did a show last night for John Sight's the American Legion me and it started off. It was just going to be me and Joe de Rosa.

He goes, you know, to raise some money for the veterans and all of that shit. And so I was like, yeah, man, I'd love to do it in this fucking place. I always forget the number of it. It's American Legion forget, but it's a legendary one. And the main room there, like everybody from like Led Zeppelin to like Humphrey Bogart has been in there like Zeppelin. I guess one time after one of the gigs at the forum or something ended up chilling out there, possibly jamming or something. I don't know what, but they used to have like, you know, rallies and stuff their way back in the day. It goes back to like World War One.

And they have like all of this stuff upstairs, all this like memorabilia. It's weird, right? For wars and stuff like weaponry and all that type of shit. It's really fucking amazing. So it started off, you know, with John was just like, hey, you know, you and de Rosa want to come down. And, you know, we always go down there and shit. And he goes, we'll make you fucking honorary members and all that. Get the fuck out of here.

We can't be members. We're not veterans. They're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, we'll fucking, you know, we have guys like you that never did shit that we actually give you a little fucking one of those Cub Scout army hats. And so like, we were laughing like, all right, yeah, we'll fucking do it. So next time I talked to Johnny goes, all right, listen, it got a little bigger. WKLS got behind it, the radio station. And then next thing you know, we're doing a comedy show upstairs. And after the comedy show downstairs in the VIP, the fucking Eagles of death metal, you know, are going to play a show.

I was like, get the fuck out of here. Are you kidding me? He goes, yeah, no. And he was just like, you know, hey, you know, they're saying they'll jam with you if you want to do a song. And like, I just didn't have a time I didn't have time to get something together or whatever. And I also just wanted to go down and and just watch the band because I've always wanted to see them. There's so many fucking bands. I've always wanted to see live.

It's just I'm always on the goddamn road. So and it's always like, hey, we have we have a show out here. And it's like, oh, yeah, when's your show? And it's always right as I fucking, you know, leave, you know, so I miss everything. So anyways, I finally got to see Jesse Hughes fucking live, man. And I'm telling you, man, one of the fucking greatest frontman I've ever seen in my life, the way he was performing downstairs. And by the way, downstairs in this American Legion, that bar was when they did the scene in the shining when Jack Nicholson was talking to the bartender, the shot that's over his shoulder from the bartender's POV point of view in the business there was actually up wherever the fuck they shot it in Oregon.

I forget where they shot it. But like, but when they did his over for the bar, they shot it down there. So that's the bar over in the corner. And then on the stage, the Eagles of Death Metal are playing and through Jesse Hughes was was like the performance he put on, he would have murdered at Madison Square Garden, and he was downstairs in front of like 120 people, just fucking pouring sweat. Fucking just, you know, all the frontman moves. He was so fucking good at one point. I just started laughing like how the fuck do I even consider myself a performer when there's a guy like this out here?

Then he had this badass chick on bass. The drummer was fucking kid. All they had for drums was just they it was a bass drum, a floor tom and a snare like quest loves set up back in the day. And and the amount of music that that drummer got out of it, it just it was just it was fucking unbelievable. And I got to to meet some of the people in the band afterwards. It was really was a incredible night. I tell you, man, you know, I'm not going to lie to you, man, my life does not suck. So anyways, dude, look at that fucking score, man.

The fucking Colts absolutely smoked the Titans and the Titans absolutely smoked the Patriots. And I believe we beat the Colts like how the fuck do you bet? How does anybody fucking gamble on the NFL to share me? It doesn't make any fucking sense. There's like no consistency. Um, anyways, it's Thanksgiving, everybody. It's Thanksgiving. And guess what?

I got a new fucking. I got a new person that I've been following on. Well, I can't follow him on YouTube because I don't can't figure out how to fucking figure out what my password is. So it always tells me to sign in. It's a big pain in the ass. But it's this guy, uh, Johnny, but it's spelled the Italian way. And he's out of San Francisco and he goes, uh, like it looks almost like it almost looks like Giovanni kind of. I have a mild dyslexia, so I can't quite remember how it's spelled.

But he just goes by Johnny and he goes like, goes, hey, he's like, my name's Johnny. I live on the hill. Oh, here it is. G I A N N I North Beach. All right. So it looks like Gianni, but he says Johnny and he starts all this fucking. This guy is such an incredible. Listen to this shit.

I'll just play this. This is his intro. Let me see if this will play. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I love this fucking guy. Here we go. I live on top of the hill.

But every day I go down to the village to buy the food that I'm going to cook that night. Welcome to what's left of the Italian American neighborhood in San Francisco. And that's it right there. And he's just staring into the camera like this guy's just a fucking real deal. And I've been threatening for fucking years now to, uh, I was going to make a Sunday gravy and I watched him make his. And now I have the confidence. But dude, he's got these fucking garlic mashed potatoes that he made his eggplant Parmesan. And I just been like sitting here watching this shit.

And I was looking at his potatoes. It's like, man, I'm going to fucking make those for, um, for Thanksgiving. You got to just, uh, I, I sp, is, is what is it? Gianni G I A N N I North Beach. You got to look up his fucking garlic mashed potatoes. They look unbelievable. Do you have that with a little bit of turkey, some stuff in cranberry sauce? He fucking kidding me.

It's over. You're going to have a great, um, a great goddamn Thanksgiving. So, um, anyways, I've just been sitting here watching all of that shit. And then I was watching his fucking thing. I don't even know how I'm going to be able to do this fucking justice. I might have to just put up the clip, but I ended up watching this other random guy, this Canadian dude who was smoking and drinking while he's cooking. And he was making a Sunday gravy and his apartment was hot as shit.

And he had the fan going and he was dropping like, you think I curse. This guy was dropping F bombs like you can't believe. And then out of nowhere, he just starts telling this story about this. One of the things that I hate the most about human behavior other than war and all the dumb shit that we do. Um, the obvious dumb shit is when you're next in line and someone's trying to creep in the side just to fucking ask a quick question, like nothing gets my fucking blood going, right? So he tells us hilarious story about how this woman's anglin in and how he fucking basically made a quick move and fucking got both his forearms up on the desk. And then the lady goes, he's just randomly takes a smoke break, tells the story.

He goes, then she goes, excuse me, sir, I think I'm next. And he's like, Oh, that's why you have it wrong. Because if you were next, you'd be standing where I was standing. And then he did an edit. And it just cuts to him going back to cooking. He's got the cigarette dangling in his mouth and he goes, you pushy fucking cunt. Gonna try to fuck with me on a hot fucking day when I'm trying to get my drugs to my doctor. Because you fucking wait like everybody else.

You fat fucking whore. And then he just goes, anyway, he goes back to cook. I must have sent that clip to like fucking 20 people. My wife obviously didn't fight it as funny as I did, but I don't know, they just, I don't know. You know, it kills me. I actually, I called in Kathleen Madigan's serious radio show and Gaffigan was on and Lewis Black was on. And it was fucking hilarious because I was telling them how much I like to cook and all of that. And they were all going like, Oh my God, I had no idea.

Like this is just, this is so, this is almost weird to hear that you're into this type of stuff. Like, I think like they're like most people that they just think I'm this angry guy. I have anger issues. I wish people didn't think, I hate that people think that I mean, it's my fault that people think that, but I hate that people think that I just walk around like fucking cocksuck and motherfuckers. Oh, I don't. I mean, that's just how I react to most social situations. So I guess does that make me an angry guy?

I don't know. I don't fucking know. But I was kind of like, I was loving talking to those because I'm a huge fan of all of them. But I was like taking a back like, wow, they like, they really think I'm a fucking psycho. And I don't know, I haven't really done anything to make them think otherwise. So I guess I got to own it. Anyways, all right, let's plow ahead here. I'm going to read, I'm going to read some of the, the advert advertisements here for the week.

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BeBat? Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. And then you know what I'm going to do is a special fucking treat. Well, I'll see if, I'll see if Mia wants to do it. Although I'm going to, I'm going to ask her while I'm on it. Could I, I'll hit pause. I'm not going to be a dick.

Hang on a second. All right. She said yes. Okay. She's going to be here for the questions. Okay. Um, all right. Oh, look who's here.

Oh Jesus Christ. We're starting right off with the classic, right? But do, do, do, me on these, me on these. Make yourself some garlic potatoes. Do, do, do, me on these, me on these. Nothing rhymes with potatoes. Don't stick them in your underwear with the garlic and Abbey wife. Lick your balls on a staycation.

She'll fucking hate you. Oh Jesus. You know, it's not, not often that I fuck this song up, but you know, you got to say the, the effort was there. Um, me on these everybody this year, uh, this is, this is the year that you finally tackle your holiday shopping early. And guess what? You can get everything you need, uh, for you and your loved ones at me on these.

What do you, what are you doing here? Me on these. Okay. You're, you're clearly a stalking stuffer. All right. You're, you're a fucking aperitif. All right. You're, you're, you're an entree.

You're not the fucking main course. And for all you dumb Americans, entree means enter. Okay. With the dumb fucks that say you're entering the meal. Okay. It's the main fucking course. I don't know how over here in the United States it started being called the entree. Um, you go to France where that word is from.

They're talking about the beginning, the appetizers. Shut up, Bill. You fucking arrogant cunts. All right. Okay. Fair enough. You're right. Anyways, but let's get back to me on these.

Okay. You can't do, you can't, what you can do is stuff the fucking stockings. This is the perfect stalking stuffer. And that's usually the thing in the end where you're like, ah, fuck. You know, we got to stick something in there. Put the fucking underwear in the goddamn stockings. All right. You don't put it under the tree.

Like you just got somebody a goddamn PlayStation or whatever the fuck these kids want. Yeah. Just, just buy underwear for Christmas. You want, can you want to see your kids cry? You want to see kids finally realize that there is no Santa Claus do that. However, you want to fucking add some accoutrements to your fucking Christmas. You go to goddamn meundies. There we go.

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All right. How many more of these fucking things I got to do? All right. We already suffered through fucking two of them. What do I got three left? Well, let's do the third one. We'll get over the hump. Oh no.

These are all written off. These guys. Nice short copy. This is what I'm talking about. Vacation. No, they ever wanted. All right. Almost 2 million.

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That's Stamps.com. Enter Burr. All right. And with that, with that, we go into the questions in the lovely Nia. The lovely Nia, I'm going to come to you. Can you turn off the Real Housewives at Chattanooga first? Yeah. I don't know where it is.

Oh, is that, I have it? Staycation all I ever wanted. I like those St. uniforms, man. The numbers look cool from what they have this week. Nothing's better, though, than the Raiders with the fucking silver numbers. Shut up, ladies. There we go. I like that you were getting all sentimental.

You're like, oh my God, this is the first season of the Real Housewives from Atlanta. Look how young they all are. Hey, gorgeous. Hi. I was just telling everybody how great it is to reconnect with your spouse on a staycation. Oh, staycation all I ever wanted. Staycation. Yeah, that's great.

All right. Are you going to get off your phone here and help me out? Someone was just texting me about Thanksgiving. So, yes. What's going on there? Are you doing there, folks, on the podcast? All right. Instagram, Chata.

Chata. Instagram, Chata. Do you remember when we discussed that woman, she started posting? Yes. She went from just posting regular pictures to sort of not overly hoary, but she wouldn't show them to her parents types of pictures. Yeah. And then her male friends who were in relationships, their significant others were having difficulty

with it and blah, blah, blah, blah. All right. This one, Mia, is from a lady. Okay. She said, just dear Bill Burr, just wanted to reach out and say thanks for touching on that Instagram topic with the female too close for comfort with the husband. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and have issues with his social media habits. I'm 25 and he's 21.

Oh, my God. Hello, darkness. I mean, you know, your man is 21. You know, he's actually like 17 emotionally, but go on. You're banging a fucking younger dude. That's okay. She likes him young. He doesn't have money to pay for food, but he'll fuck you.

I want to read the rest of this till the sun comes up in the morning. I'm 25 and he's 21 and I didn't realize how unhealthy it was until I was 23. So I keep excusing it, talking about his behavior, but it makes my skin fucking crawl. I don't feel comfortable when he snapshats his single female friends he had before we got together because the texts go away and they send pictures. He makes me feel like I'm not trusting him, but I would never do that with another male. It's just not something I want to have going on in any relationship of mine. I don't agree with 100% of the things you say, but I agree with a lot.

And it was cool to hear a male perspective on it that isn't biased towards the situation, especially yours, because from what I can tell, it seems like you have a healthy marriage. Jesus, if we didn't do this staycation, I think you were going to kill me, Neil. It took a weight off my shoulders that I'm not unreasonable for feeling uncomfortable with it. Love the show makes washing dishes more enjoyable. Just a little though, because I hate touching soggy food. Am I right? Absolutely you are. Soggy food is the fucking worst. That's what they invented those rubber gloves for.

Exactly. It wasn't to save your hands. Hashtag relatable. Oh, such a millennial. No, but she made the little face there with the tongue sticking out. Because they know that I make fun of that, right? Oh, okay. Yeah, your boyfriend's 21, honey. Yeah, that's just, like I said. Are you high right now?

No, I mean, I did smoke earlier. You're like, yeah, because like, hey, honey. No, but like I said, he's 21, but you know, emotionally, he's 17 years old. And he's not going to, you know, he's going to be like, whoa, why are you making such a big deal? That's called gaslighting. All right, slow down. White person here. Gaslighting. I know it's not like a black word. That does not something. Gaslighting for white people is literally gas lights outside of a townhouse.

No, gaslighting is like making somebody like question, you know, their, their sanity or their reactions to things when they're having like actually a normal reaction to something. So she says, hey, I don't feel comfortable with you Snapchatting all these girls. You're my boyfriend. And he says something to the effect of like, what are you talking like, what are you freaking out about? Like we're just friends. It's not a big deal. Yeah, yeah, that's gaslighting. Like, you know, goddamn well, like she said, she doesn't do it with any of her male friends. If she was Snapchatting hanging out with a bunch of dudes, he would probably feel some type of way about it. So that's gaslighting. So for the other white people listening, does gaslighting live in the flipping the script world?

No, it's not even, it's not slaying. I'm trying to explain it. It absolutely is not. It's not slaying. Don't even act like that was part of the English language. I'm 50 years old. I've never heard that. Oh, just went away. It died. Oh, my laptop died. Oh, Jesus. Wait, because I saw the next thing said banging the neighbor or banging my neighbor. What was banging my roommate?

No, we got to get to that one. Sorry. Now I have to go onto my phone. There's no way you look up, you in the meantime, look up fucking gaslighting. You tell me when that came out because, you know, I could be wrong. God knows I am more times than not. All right. These are the reads. Let's see here. Come on. Now watch this won't fucking load because I'm on my God day. There we go. There we go. What the fuck is this? What? You know something? I swear to God, I can't fucking win for losing on these damn things.

Great emails. Here we go. There we go. All right. Let's get to the bang and the fucking where the hell is it? All right. Factory nets. Did you look, are you looking up gaslighting? Yes. No, you're not. You're texting somebody. What are you freaking out about, man? I mean, I'm just... Hey, you're gaslighting right now, man. You're making it seem like I'm not. All right. Gaslighting. Verb. It's in the dictionary. Manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. That's in the dictionary.

It's in the dictionary. Hey, well, look at that, Nia. Once again, I'm wrong. I apologize. 11 warning signs of gaslighting? How to know if you're a victim of gaslighting? That's the whole thing. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but it's also like a gaslight that's outside. You can't tell me at some point. Wasn't it at some point slang and then the dictionary was like, all right, enough people are saying and now it's a word? I mean, that does happen, right? Yeah, I'm trying to look at articles. Did Ben Franklin start it?

It was used in 2016. I don't know when people started using it, but you're right. Like, yeah, the last couple years, it's become a word that people use to describe, you know. Like the word zeitgeist? I finally know what that means. But here's the thing, Bill, just because you're just now finding out what it means doesn't mean that it didn't, you know, exist before. No, no, I'm not saying I'm well-read, but I talked to a lot of people and I hadn't heard anybody say it. Like, all of a sudden, that's the fucking thing people are saying. All right, what do I know? 2015, I'm finding it, so it goes back a little bit. Oh, Nia, you're like a paralegal over there. I really know how to use the Google.

All right, factory nets. Listen, lady. What is listen, lady? Are they giving me shit? Listen, lady. You keep regurgitating bullshit about the Apple phone factory nets. The people who died jumped because of insurance payoffs. Fox.com had a clause in a payouts in the employees contracts that states a Foxcom. If they died on the job, the family will receive 50K. That's why all those people jump out to give their family a lump payout. Google that shit.

No, but here's the thing, even if they did, well, if you weren't so fucking underpaid. Right. Yeah, so you're basically, you're going to jump out the, you're going to kill yourself for a teacher's salary? Yeah, and exactly. And so what does that mean? Is that somehow make it better? That like, no, they're doing it because they wanted the insurance. It's like, it's a horrible thing, regardless of the motivation. No, they put nets up. They put nets up so they wouldn't jump out. And then they played soothing music to try to calm them down.

And then they were considering elevating their pay, which was obviously the fucking problem. Yeah, so. Google that shit. Shut the fuck up. Get Steve Jobs dick out of your mouth and stop trying to make it like, you know, it's, it's, you know, Oh, they're just doing it for the payout. It's like, what kind of weirdo are you to even say that? That's why that's one of my favorite jokes of my act when white people, that's another thing when white people, like white people tell black people how to behave around the cops.

Just do what they say. I don't understand what the problem is. Why is your experience not my experience? Can I read the next one? All right. Yeah. Okay. I'm reading the fallout as read by the lovely Mia. Hey, Billy bitch.

Make sure you don't block the microphone down the bottom. Okay. I'm 22 years old in my last semester of university and I live with one girl who happens to be hot. I found myself in the situation by only needing a four month term sub lease to finish my final semester. A friend of mine who is moving out of state to complete her nursing placement offered to sublet her room to me at a very reasonable price for the quality of apartment. I accepted without knowing or meeting my soon to be roommate. The hot roommate was briefed on me and was okay with living with a guy. Fast forward two weeks in the living together, we're banging on the couch.

Wow, that escalated quickly. Oh, there's somebody at the door. All right. I'll keep reading. Okay. We're banging on the couch. From this moment to about mid October, I was untouchable. Insert picture of Muhammad Ali after a knockout.

It was around that mid October point where she decided to stop hooking up with me because she started talking to another guy from her hometown seven hours away. Where I have a problem is not with heartbreak or heart feelings. Oh, come on now. It's more with the level of resentment on her side. She's gotten really cold, standoffish and passive aggressive with me. It's to a point where she goes to her room when I get home. We don't really talk anymore. What have I done and how do I fix it?

I'm not sure I see a future with her, but she's cool and I'd rather not have her hate me. She's a pretty laid back person and her mom constantly bugs her about getting a real job. She's a waitress. At the beginning of November, that is a real job. At the beginning of November, I got a job at a consulting firm, which I worked really hard to get. She didn't care in the slightest. Well, we were hooking up. She also told me constantly about the other guy she was talking to.

Oh, baby. We agreed to be open, but I found it a bit much. Looking for a game plan here. A longtime fan of the show. Thanks and go fuck yourself. So what happened? They start banging. Somebody cut feelings.

What happened? He caught feelings. Even though he said where I have a problem is not with heartbreak or heart feelings. Yeah, she basically banged him because she was talking because she was trying to get over some guy. While we were hooking up, she also constantly told me about the other guy she was talking to. Right. So this was a between guys bang. It's kind of like a buffer because you're in between a rebound or you're kind of wishing to be with somebody else.

So you end up banging somebody who's really into you and is giving you a lot of compliments. And you know, the dick is right next door because you're a roommate. So that's super easy. You ain't got to like get up and get all dressed up. It's like, you know, you'll just take it because you think I'm the best. And, you know, you got used. You got played. How did he get used?

You got to bang a hot chick. But he doesn't. But you didn't read. Did you not hear the rest of it? No, I answered the door. You don't remember? Oh, right. No, he's up.

He's upset because she just dropped him like a hot potato and she's being really cold to him. And it's not really talking to him. That's the shit. That's the fucking shit. It's over. That's fucking great. And this is the thing. This is the thing.

Just who gives a fuck. You got to bang this hot chick and then she fucking she acted the way a guy usually acts, which is the best. We just walk away from it. Women are all like, can I have one of your t-shirts? Right? She just walked away. Get on with your fucking life. Exactly.

It's done. Yeah. Get on with your fucking life. Who gives a fuck? You're 22 years old, so perhaps you haven't heard the saying, don't shit where you eat. Don't ever start fucking your roommate because when it goes bad or when it's over, very rarely can you just exist and it's not awkward. Exactly. That's why it's fucking awesome because now she's just totally blowing them off.

They live together and then it's like perfect. So I would just sit down and just say, hey, listen, I realize we're not hooking up anymore, which is totally cool, but like you barely even talk to me. Like I don't have any fucking hard feelings over it. So like, you know, you want some true loops? Yeah. That's true. Yeah, maybe just try. Yeah, try to kind of call her out on being immature about the situation.

I don't got to treat me like shit now just because we're not fucking. Because that's, that's, listen, I, you know, I was sort of teasing you before, but it's not cool that she's just rude to you now that she's had your way with you and she's done with your dick. She's like the greatest roommate ever. All she wanted to do was fuck you for a while and then she left. What is the problem? She's on my Mount Rushmore of fucking roommates. The fact that you got to banger is because you could have easily gotten friend zoned. She's literally, she's sitting here constantly talking about other guys that she's seeing.

You could have gotten friend zoned. So, you know, at least you got laid. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Silver lining. The glass is not half full. The glass is full and your balls are empty. Oh Jesus.

All right. All right. Condoms. Uh, hey, Billy stretch nuts. The lady stretch. I know what that means. Oh, for my lady, the ladies are all writing in now. I love it.

My boyfriend can't bust a nut with the condom on. Wait, can I please read those? Parentheses, loser. I want to read these. I want to read these. No, let me read it again because I'm not having fun reading them condoms. Just make sure you talk in the microphone. I am.

I'm not. Look, isn't it right here? Where is the microphone? But somewhere on the bottom. Somewhere on the bottom. I can't bring him busting over the condom on loser. Um, he insists. It's because of the condom.

You know, he's lying to you. Right. We got into a big argument about it. We were about it. The sensation is different. Duh. Of course it is. But when I told him it was different for both of us, he didn't believe me.

Listen, guys, the walls slash hurdles between us work both ways. It's like a pap smear. Oh, it went away. Why does it keep growing away? I don't know. Hang on. Putting the password in. Oh, that's not what you want.

You want to be up here. Okay. Um, it feels like a pap smear. Is it smear? Is it yet issue the fuck knows? You're a woman. You should know what it is. Or putting a beer bottle in my cooter.

It's just friction. Oh, you're one of these. I talk just like the guys, girls, huh? By the way, you look like someone stretched your Lamskin condom over skeleton. That's so mean. She said that about me. That's hilarious. What are your learned views about the condom situation?

My boyfriend is a, we don't say that word anymore. If Nia's around, maybe ask her would love to hear your views. Still waiting on that nut. Oh my God. I love this email. All right. I can answer this. I mean, this personally subconsciously cause he's not getting there that that's a reflection

on her. He's lying to her about busting a nut in a condom. What do you mean? He just wants to raw dog her. Oh, I thought he was already fucking her with the condom and he couldn't do it. Oh, oh, yeah. I thought you were saying my boyfriend can't bust it up with the condom on. So I don't know if that means, no, this guy's like, listen, if you just fucking are constantly,

if you're not, if you weren't wearing a condom in your last relationship or you weren't in a relationship and you were just fucking jerking off with your hand, when you put a condom on, it feels like you're still wearing your pants. All right. Yeah. And it feels different. Yeah. And if, you know, if you just all kinds of things that can fuck with it, you watch too

much fucking porn, you can have performance problems is all that. I just think she's taking this like personally. I mean, the fact that he can't bust another condom on, you know, then she goes loser. That's not cool. That's like hostile. Yeah. So that's like defensive. That's what I'm guessing because there's a bunch of guys that are like, like a bunch

of guys that like fucking are in long-term relationships have come up. I had that problem for a minute. I was going to say, I feel like that's normal. Yeah. Like, so what you got it. So what you got to do is for him, tell him to start jerking off with the condom on. It sucks. Get used to it.

Yeah. You just sort of get used to it or don't fucking do anything for like a week or something and he'll be able to really ready to fuck a fucking desk at that point. And maybe that'll help. I wonder my doctor drew. I don't know, but like, but I can tell you this name calling him and saying that he's a loser and all of that type of shit is, uh, that's not the solution. Also, it feels like a pap smear or putting a beer bottle in my cooler.

It's just friction. Okay. Here's the thing. I feel pretty confident that this is a male pretending to be a female writing in because no woman would ever say it feels like a pap smear. What is it? Sh me is me. Is it Yiddish or a beer bottle in my cooter?

It's just friction. Women don't talk like this. No, but sometimes people also feel like they have to be as dumb as me. I feel or as crude as I am. Listen, guys, the walls slash hurdles between us work both ways. It feels like a passion or pretty. What is just friction? A pap, like, no, because if you've had a pap smear, you would never say that.

I had one. No, you didn't. I did. No, I got a complete checkup. You did not have a pap smear. I did. I made sure they checked me for everything. You didn't have a pap smear.

Fake letter. Fake news. You say that's fake. I don't think it is. Yep. 100%. Okay. Roommate ran someone over.

Oh, Billy, the boner burglar. That's another person saying that I'm not good looking. It's rude. Yeah, dude, this is the shit that you get when you listen. This comes with putting yourself fucking out there. That's why when all these fucking women go on there, let me go. People would never say this to a guy. Look at this person just said, I look like a fucking...

A lamb skin kind of. Lamb skin comes stretched over. A skeleton. Over a skeleton. That's brutal. That's funny. It's fucking hilarious. And I can't argue with it.

I mean, it's fucking pretty accurate. I just know I don't like what I see. You don't look like a condom over a skeleton for God's sake. Listen, I don't give a fuck what that person thinks. I'm a good looking guy. You are. And I got a smoking hot wife. Hey.

That's not bad. That's right. Not bad for a fucking lamb skin condom. And a beautiful baby. And everyone thinks our baby is beautiful. So take that one. So that's it. Everybody likes us and we're popular.

All right. Anyways. Openly the boner burglar. I'm a 20-year-old guy. It never ends. It so never ends with the people trashed away. I looked at it. It has no effect on me anymore.

So it's actually kind of a good thing they're doing for me. I'm a 20-year-old guy in and I say... What? I'm a 20-year-old guy in and I stay with a roommate. I think that's a title. A title. All right. I stay with a roommate who's a very close friend of mine.

I'll get right to it. I took a couple of mushrooms and was tripping my ass off for the first time. Everything was great until my roommate came in at the peak of my high and said he had something to tell me that was going to make me laugh. He proceeded to say he just ran a bitch over with his car. And he said it like I should be proud of him. Bill, his ignorance about the situation was killing me. Yeah, that's assault with the deadly weapon.

Aside from the situation being crazy, he thought this to me... He brought this to me mid-trip. He kept saying nobody saw his plates and all that shit. Oh, Jesus Christ. With no regard for what he just did. What do I do, Bill? This guy really didn't give a shit. He ran somebody over and he killed my high.

We also just signed a lease. FYI, the girl is okay. Much love to the lovely Nia over there and the little one. Big fan, big fan. You're living with a psychopath. You should probably get out because if he's going to do that to a stranger, what do you think he's going to do to you? That's a great point because I was just...

I was going to say she's all right. Well, that gives a fuck. Bill, also I like how he put he killed my high like within the same sense. Not only did he run somebody over, but he killed my high. Yeah. Now what do I do? I really like how it took him doing it while you were tripping on mushrooms for you to really draw the line on the whole thing.

Yeah, I think you need to sit down with him, Bill. Listen, man. You people are young and dumb. Nia. So mean. Listen, I think you just need to sit down with your roommate and just say, Listen, man. You know, if every time I'm tripping, you're going to come in and talk about how you ran

over and ruined my high. This isn't going to work out. So what we need to do is get a schedule, put it up on the refrigerator. You know, I'll tell you what I'm doing shrooms and then you just don't run over anybody that day. And if you do, and if you do, just don't fucking tell me about it till I'm done fucking giggling in the corner. Who are you people living with?

Who are these secos for roommates that you guys are getting? Who are running people over, banging you and then not speaking to you? Like, you guys need to make better life choices. No, that's like, well, the first one, it was like a money situation. Like, she, you know, he got the apartment because his friends, you know, blah, blah, blah. And then who are you people dating? Like a Patsnia or a bottle in my cooter?

Like, oh, fucking lies and stupid emails. What is wrong with you? And you know what's hilarious? I'm annoyed at this batch of emails today. I really am. As you sit in here watching, rewatching season one of fucking the real Housewives. Come on. Listen, I'm a hypocrite.

All right. I can go with that. So am I. All right. Well, this has been the hypocrite podcast. Nia, how do you rate the staycation? One, two, ten. God, ten.

Huh? Ten out of ten. It's been fucking great. I can't believe we have to go back tomorrow to real life. I know, but I miss my little Boo Bear. I know me too. So, no, but I, Nia, I think like, you know, we ought to, we ought to do these. This was good for us.

It was great for us. This is the best we've gotten along for fucking ever. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. All of a sudden you can just fucking chill. But just literally, I mean, it was two and a half days. Mm-hmm.

Nothing. Yeah. Nothing. You stay in, and I would think wherever the fuck you live, you could still, I don't give a fuck if you live outside of Des Moines. Go rent a nice place in Des Moines. Mm-hmm. Order room service.

They're mad. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. You just are shitting on everybody. The waitress at brunch today, I was saying, oh yeah, we're leaving tomorrow because I was asking her if she was, you know, working the shift tomorrow because she was so nice. And I was like, oh, we're leaving tomorrow. And she goes, oh, okay, when are you coming back?

And I was like, see that part. What part? That, oh, you've never heard that before, that part. No, is this more gaslighting? No, no, no, that's like a, that's definitely a slang. That's definitely an urban slang. Anyway. You don't have to explain it.

I won't. All right. You can have your own little special language and you can feel special. Got it. All right. See, see people. You see why I need a staycation? Just like, I don't know what happened to you.

You were like so chill and relaxed that you just got the claws out. Are you, are you getting ready? Are you going to go back? Are you going to go back to that when we go home? No, I'm just having fun with you. I'm just having fun on the podcast, you guys. Don't take it too seriously. Hello.

I'm just having fun with you. Hi. Hi, I'm Zyan. No, Brenda. Oh, Brenda. Hi, I'm Brenda. I have to repost this video on my, my Instagram. You guys have to see it.

It's so funny. Yeah. This lady is just like, she's 60 year old Italian lady. No, she's like 60. She's like 30s. Oh, is she? And this is in the 80s. Yeah.

This is an old like reality show on cinema. Oh, oh, oh. When cinemax are doing skinna max if you guys aren't too young to remember skinna max. But anyway, I'll repost it at some point. Hi. Go give the overall what she said. Hi. Oh, I'm Brenda.

Hi. I'm Brenda. I consider myself a sexy older Italian girl. She's like, if a guy isn't giving me money or what did you say? Is it giving? Hanging up a picture. Right. I'm not getting something from him.

Yeah. If he's not giving me money or having sex, then I don't want him or something like that. He needs to get out and I'm really good at telling guys. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a husband. She's like, yeah. Death is good guys who are almost dying. I like them if they don't have any relatives.

No surviving relatives. That's great because then I get all the money. That's my favorite part. Ridiculous. That's ridiculous. All right. That's the podcast for this week. I don't know.

Everybody have a happy Thanksgiving. Thank you so much. Happy Thanksgiving everybody. Yep. Thank you so much for everybody who came out to all my shows and if you ever, ever get a chance to see the Eagles of Death Metal live. Wow. I'm telling you.

Yeah. That was crazy. That was like it was at Wembley Stadium. His energy. Yeah. I was going to say his energy was like they were at a stadium. And he came off stage just pouring sweat. He just gave it his all.

Oh man. That guy is like there's so many fucking people that get on stage and call themselves entertained. They need to go fucking see that guy and be like, that's the way it's done. I was even sitting there being like, Jesus Christ, I should have been working harder up there with my slacks and sport coat there. You're dressed like a gentleman. You're like in the slacks. Oh my God.

I love you in slacks. I really do. I feel like men of a certain age should like try to dress their dad this. Hi. I'm Bill. Hi. I'm Bill. I saw this gentleman last night and he had to be in his 40s or something.

His jeans were so baggy and they were just pooling around his ankles around his like old sneakers. His blazer was like down like past his butt. It was just like, it was just like a sloppy mess. And I'm like, I bet this person is actually like a nice person, but it's like you've got to get it together. I'm not trying to be shallow. It's not like looks or everything, but there are a lot of it.

No, you know what I can do. It's the first thing people see when they see you. Impressions matter. I feel just only being a dad for almost two years now. I can look at dads at malls and I can look at their jeans and I know how old their oldest kid is. Right. Like guys who had fucking, guys who had kids in like the mid 2000s have like faded true

religion jeans. Oh my God. Whether it's all, yeah, it's all like sort of like white in the front on the thigh. Yeah. Like a big stupid stitched horseshoe in the back because those things were like fucking loud. Even when they came out. Yes.

I remember Bobby Kelly, Rich Boss, they, that was just like those things used to wear true religion jeans like every day and he was so proud of them. The true religion. He fucking pulled the tag out. Oh my God. And they were boot cut. Oh my God. And then guys who guys 10 years older than them, they actually had jeans like when you

just bought Levi's. So they show up and they have like, uh, like Kenny club soda Kenny club soda Kenny shows up with the jeans that I wore when I used to listen to fucking heavy metal jeans. He's jeans. I just jeans. Just yeah. Just jeans. No, no fashion.

No style. Just, just functional denim. And then what happened now is, uh, is pants. I never thought after they got baggy, they'd become tight again. But yesterday we were out there at the fucking mall and how tight were that guy? That guy's fucking pretty. You could almost see his ball bag from behind. I was fucking crying, laughing.

Yeah. That was clever. They were tight. Yeah. And now you'd show like your ankles. Everybody's like walking around like they're going to start moonwalking and we need to see your socks like old MJ back in the day. All right.

I can't make this thing too long. I got to, I got to get, I got to enjoy my last half a fucking day of the staycation. Um, hey Nia, it's nice to love one another again. Isn't it? Yes it is. All right. All right. You guys have a great Thanksgiving and, uh, I'll talk to you later on and, and even

if you're a passive fan of football, you got to watch Michigan OSU. It's going to, it's going to be a burn burner. I hope. I hope. I hope it's not a boring blowout. All right. I'll see you.