Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-2-15

Episode Date: November 3, 2015

Bill rambles about AC/DC bar, Captain America and "keeping it moving.

TO BE CONTINUED Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. Monday, November 2nd, 2015. Oh my god, it's November. You know, the greatest holiday of the year for me. Is what? Thanksgiving? I like it. It's family. You get to eat. What about Flag Day? That's a good one, isn't it? Why don't you go underground? Support that indie band, right? He could do that. Labor Day is another good one. Blueberry Pancake Day or whatever the fuck it was that time when I was in Atlanta.

I'll tell you guys that story. I went in to do Morning TV, the worst fucking thing a comedian can ever do. It doesn't sell one fucking ticket. You know what? Just Morning TV, fucking stay-at-home moms, you know? And those awful stay-at-home moms. A cool stay-at-home mom probably pops in a good movie or some shit like that. But those ones that talk to kids like they're fucking morons and they do it like, you know, it's bad enough when the kids really little. But when they're like six years old and they're still going like, Oh, how was your day today? They do that fucking up and down talking. With like their eyes really fucking open, eyebrows way up.

You just want to fucking slap them in the back of their head like, what are you doing? And do me a favor, don't talk to my dog like that because you're going to freak her out and she's going to go for your throat. All she's going to hear is heightened excitement and she's going to be thinking someone's going to beat the shit out of her again. Like whoever, whoever the fuck did it to her before I got her. Isn't that right, Cleo? Huh? She's over there already sleeping. This fucking dog slept for eight goddamn hours last night, right? Right next to me, by the way. I hadn't seen her in like two weeks. So I was watching the KC met game and I actually fell asleep before the end of it. I was so fucking tired. And then of course I wake up afterwards and I see KC celebrating.

By the way, congratulations to Kansas City, my condolence to Mets fans. Just two fucking great teams. And it was so great to see, you know, not to see Yaggy's, Red Sox, Carr, and those giants, the fucking people who have been in it. It's nice to see new blood. So anyways, I'm sitting there and I'm trying to fucking see the highlight and I'm just sitting there. And my dog, like this, my dog is a master like cuddler. The thing is all the way like legs tucked underneath and it's fucking got its head right on my chest, right? With its muzzle almost like just like staring at me and it's snoring. So I don't want to wake the thing up and I'm sitting there and the remote's on the other side of my fucking dog.

And I'm like, I can't wait this thing up and I'm sitting there waiting for a fucking highlight. And they got this guy who's just standing there going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about the fucking game. About what happened and blah, blah, blah. It's like, show a fucking highlight, you jerk off. What are you, the president? You giving some fucking state of the union thing? So many fucking ESPN shows now are just two fucking people sitting there, standing there, walking around, talking, talking, talking. That fucking channel, I want to see highlights. Show them all fucking day long. I used to watch Sports Center back when I had the time. I'd watch it like three times in a fucking row. I didn't give a shit. Same joke, same fucking clips, all of that. I loved it.

Fucking idiot sitting there talking and talking and talking. I should talk, right? I do a fucking podcast by myself. So then I turn the fucking channel and I'm like, all right, they got like 52 ESPNs. I go up to ESPN 2. There's two other jerk off sitting there talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, and they're showing the scores and all of this type of shit. And for the life of me, I haven't seen it. I heard what happened. I heard they let the picture stay in and then he walked a fucking guy and then there was a double blah, blah, blah, blah. And then there was a play at third and the fucking guy, you know, they looked at each other and then right throws the ball and the guy fucking takes off. It's a close play at the plate. The throw is a little off. I've yet to see it. I just want to see how I look.

So anyway, so I don't really know. I don't know what happened. All of that that I know is because actually not because of ESPN, it's because I talked to Paul Versey this morning who, by the way, is really excited that the Mets lost. I found during the series that he fucking he hates the Mets. He hates the Mets fans. Don't let him say anything differently. Don't let him try to be a class act. I'm telling you. The running joke on the tour was Paul Versey wants no joy in Queens because we were all sitting there. I'm a fucking Red Sox fan. I shouldn't like any team from New York. I don't give a fuck, right? It's the Mets. You know, they haven't won it since 86. Fuck it. I don't care if they win it.

So I wanted to see. I basically I wanted to see a seven game series is what I wanted to see. And but Versey was very silently rooting very hard against the Mets and he wouldn't admit it. And he just, no, no, no, I don't care. You know, I just want to see a good series. And he would get he would get just a little too excited when Casey would be coming back. So anyways, I'm just sitting here fucking babbling. I did miss Halloween this year. It's the first time I have not been at my house during Halloween, which I'm actually happy about because I told you where I live, I live in this weird area where it's like if you go a little, if you go to the right, it gets really nice. If you go to the left is like a check cashing place like a block away.

You know what I mean? And I'm sort of in the middle. So during Halloween, I get everything from little snot nose rich kids to like what I had like a year ago with this fucking like, I don't know, 37 year old dude showed up. He looked like a fucking homeless Jim Croci. He just fucking showed up, right? Big fucking mustache, Tom Selleck style. And it was just standing and I've just opened the door. Oh, I don't know. He had some kids with them and they all left and he had a bag too. And he held the bag out and I just went really and he just goes, yes, I go really or something like that. Seriously, he just goes, yes, and I just fucking gave what was I going to do?

I was joking in Chicago. It's like, I got to give it to him. He knows where the fuck I live, right? That's the thing. You can't fuck people over on Halloween. They know what you live. They're going to do something. They're going to walk down your fucking thing. They're going to fucking punch your mailbox and pulled a little flag off of it. You know, yank some fucking, I don't know, plant out of the ground, which I don't give a shit, right? If it's not fucking making me any food, what do I need it for? Well, because they exhale oxygen. Shut up!

We get it. So anyways, dude, I'm completely shot from that tour. I am so fucking exhausted and it isn't from the shows. The shows were great. The people were great. The venues were great. But my fucking drank every single night for fucking two weeks and every night I was like, yeah, I can't do it. I can't do it. And that was the joke. The joke started to become before every show. We would just be going like, all right, man, tonight we're just going home, going home early. We're just fucking getting eight hours work out, right?

Maybe find a spa, we'll take a steam, have a nice fucking healthy breakfast. Everybody's nodding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then fucking somebody finishes their set and they just got the devil in their eye when they come off. And then they would look at me and I would just start laughing. And the next thing you know, we go out again. So we're in Chicago. My kind of town Chicago is a bunch of mustaches. Chicago is actually I didn't see a lot of them.

Michigan Avenue with all those shops. 20 Harry Carey restaurants, which was the original. So anyways, we ended up going out one night. I'm trying to I'm trying to piece this together. This is the drunkest I've been in like fucking 10 years. We went out to this, this, this bar called the Liars Club. And it was like a bar that basically a bunch of bands hung out at and we fucking get in there. And I don't plan on doing any fucking damage whatsoever.

Right. A friend of mine lives in town. She's a photographer. She came down to take some pictures. Right. She brings her crew of people. We go out and just fucking get into the bar. And I don't know.

I don't know what happened. They fucking go, what kind of music do you like? And I said, well, I like it. And the bart next to I go, how about AC DC, right? And they just played like all this shit. You never fucking hear all the shit. You never hear everybody always plays. You shook me all night.

Although somebody did play. You shook me all night long. They played like kicked in the teeth down payment blues houses on fire. They play shit off powerage flick of the switch, you know, side to a highway to hell. And me and Bartnick were going fucking nuts. Like Verzi was an angel that night. He barely dragged. He just said he wanted to go home.

He was just sitting there. And like at one point Bartnick, you know, who's like the size of like fucking Cam Neely, right? He's fucking doing the Angus, you know, Chuck Berry thing going across the bar. People are going fucking nuts. And everybody just kept buying shots. And like an asshole, I just kept doing them. I think I threw down like nine or 10 shots while I was drinking whiskey. So I was like chasing whiskey shots with whiskey.

And you know, you wouldn't think that you could go out on a dance floor and dance to AC DC, but God damn it, I did it. Oh, and then I pay for it. I fucking paid for it. And then I, you know, by the end of the night, I vaguely remember leaving the bar. It might have been the best night of the fucking tour. We had so much fucking fun. Verzi actually said like he was sitting there because he wasn't even drinking. He was going like, I actually was enjoying you and Bartnick putting on a clinic on how to have fun in a bar.

He was like, dude, you guys will go and I don't even remember this. He goes, you guys were like head banging. He's like, Bert, you're air drumming on the bar. And then next thing you know, me and Bartnick are both out on the dance floor dancing to AC DC. With this stupid disco ball going around us. It was like, if it was a movie, it would have been like, uh, Verzi was saying it would have been like the montage scene of when me and Joe becomes best friends before like we fucking, uh, for something, whatever happens. You know what? Do you remember the naked gun?

You remember the naked gun when, uh, Leslie Nielsen and Priscilla Presley are doing all this shit running down the beach, coming out of platoon laughing their asses off. It was basically that it was that that's what we did. And the next day, like I fucking woke up, you know, still in my clothes in my bed. And like I had all these plans. I'm in Chicago. I'm in one of the greatest cities in the country. And I had all these plans of what I was going to do. And I swear to God, like I couldn't get out of bed.

I couldn't get out of bed till like fucking three in the afternoon. I was like, what? I'm a fucking idiot. And then at five o'clock, I went down. I went downstairs and, uh, I tried to get something to eat. I was no wait, Verzi came up to my room. And we were just sitting there fucking watching TV. And he was just laughing at how fucking just beat up.

I was, you know, and of course he felt great because he was a fucking angel that night. And I, um, we ended up watching something on TV. One of the sickest stories ever. And we're like, dude, this has to be a fucking movie. And, uh, of course, in the end, they, they, they said that they were going to turn into a movie was basically about this guy. Right. It was this fucking show about serial killers. So of course we're going to watch it.

Right. And I'm sitting there eating a fucking burger, you know, just trying to, you know, grease always fucking offsets the fucking alcohol. It's awful. I'm out of shape again, guys. That's what I'm trying to say. Um, so we're watching this thing about fucking serial killers. And the whole time they're talking about this, this drug dealer kid and we're like, how the fuck does this? And they keep showing this serial killer guy.

It's like, does, and they're showing the drug dealer older, you know, and not in jail and all that shit going, what the fuck happened? You know, just the way they put it together, it was riveting. You're like, what the fuck is going on here? So basically what happened was there was this kid, right? He played football. They called him the assassin because every game he ever played, he took somebody out. Right. Was it the assassin?

Was that Jack Tatum? Jack Tatum. Now I forget, but it was something like assassin. So he fucking, uh, and just movie star, good looks. All right. And he's the star of the football team. And the lady's sitting there interviewing him going as he's walking around his high school going like, so you were, uh, you were basically a legend here. And he goes, yeah, I was, he wasn't being arrogant.

He wasn't being arrogant. He said, yeah, he goes, they retired my jersey. They had like pictures of me up on the wall and all that, blah, blah, blah, blah. All the women loved him. I mean, this guy was just like, he looked like a movie star in his life was a movie. So his big Achilles heel was he didn't have money. And he wanted to keep up with the rich kids. So he started dealing drugs and he ended up being really good at it.

And by the time he was like 20 years old, this fucking guy was making like a million dollars a year, crushing it, right? He's got a fake, you know, wall in his walk-in closet where he's got another room where he's keeping all the money in a safe. He's throwing all these fucking crazy parties and almost seem like this American greed type story as opposed to the serial killer thing. And they keep going back to this serial killer fucking piece of shit who's killing these girls, these teenage girls. So long story short, he's laying in bed one night and he's just thinking, I got to get out of this life. I'm so sick of looking over my shoulder. I can't do this anymore. How am I going to get out of this?

But he's addicted to the money. He's addicted to the life and all of that type of stuff. And he is just rattling on the door and I'm thinking, oh fuck, it's the serial killer. And he obviously fought the guy in one. What the fuck happens, right? All of a sudden the door fucking blasts open and all these fucking was it? Is it the ATF that shows up when you get busted as a drug dealer? Was that an alcohol, tobacco, or farm?

I don't know what the fuck it is. So anyway, they fucking come from FDA, Food Drug Administration, the transit, Chicago Transit Authority. I don't know what the fuck it is. Whatever the fuck that thing is, they come fucking blasting through the door, run up, you know, a bunch of guys with the fucking minor helmets on, with the fucking Uzzies from a Steven Segal movie. Go get on the ground, if you fucking look at me, I'll blow your fucking head off. And the whole thing was over. And he disgraced his family name.

And they never said it, but I imagine they probably took his fucking pictures down off of the high school and all of that type of shit. You know, did some OJ shit, right? Take all his trophies and all that fucking shit. So it's over, right? So then he's sitting in jail and they try to get him to flip. And this is just some fucking kid from the suburbs, right? So I'm thinking, well, he's out. He must have ratted somebody out.

So he doesn't rat anybody out. He's like, I'm not telling on anybody. So then they're like, all right, we'll fuck you. So now we're going to help us out. We're going to fucking give you, you know, the full extent to the law. We're going to prosecute you. So they gave him 10 years. The guy gets 10 years.

He's in like a minimum security because, you know, he didn't really have any violent past or anything. He was just getting people addicted to drugs. That's all he was doing. So his dad is devastated and all that shit. And he goes to jail. And meanwhile, this serial killer guy is out there killing these girls. So I'm thinking, what the fuck? And they keep going to commercial.

Me and Verzi looking at each other going, how the fuck are they going to tie this fucking thing together? So long story short, they ended up catching the serial killer guy. I forget how he fucked up, but they ended up catching him in one of those things where you seem like relieved and all of that type of shit. And, but he had this thing where he wouldn't admit to all of them. And if he came at him, he would just clam up and wouldn't say shit. So he ends up going to jail for like either one or two murders for life. He's never fucking getting out. So meanwhile, there's all these parents whose daughters were killed by this guy and they don't know where they are.

And all they just want is the body. They want fucking closure. And these parents are just tortured by this fucking thing. All right. So they're trying to figure out because he won't talk to them. He won't tell them anything. And he's also in denial. And he keeps going like, actually, I didn't kill him and blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then one day be like, oh, I did. And I blacked out. I don't remember like the guy was just a fucking creepy goddamn mess. Right. So they end up coming up with this idea that they need a charismatic person to talk to this, to befriend this serial killer. Gain the guy's trust. And maybe he'll tell him where like the bodies are and that type of shit. So they go to this fucking dude, Captain America, you know, the football player, the movie star looking guy who fucked his whole life up because he got involved in drugs.

Right. And they approach him to go from his minimum security to go into a maximum security prison with his murderers, rapists, animals, fucking maniacs. Right. And, you know, to go in there and they said, if you get this information out, we'll take your sentence and we'll just wipe out the rest of it. We'll set you free. He'd already done like three, four years. So meanwhile, Captain America's dad had a series of strokes, you know, and was basically going to die. And he had to go see him.

I mean, it's like a fucking movie. So he goes, all right, fuck it. I'll do it. But I wanted him writing that you're definitely going to let me go. So they say, yeah. So they go, all right. He goes, they go, here's the deal. We don't want you to approach him for at least six months.

Because he's very caging. If you fucking, you know, come at the guy the wrong way, he just fucking walls himself off. And that's it. All right. So this kid comes, he goes and he goes, fine, cool. And he walks in there. He's like, I don't have six months. My dad's going to die within the first two months to I'm sorry, first two hours.

He goes into the fucking jail and he fucking on purpose accidentally bumps into the guy. And then he immediately apologizes. He goes, I'm sorry about that, buddy. I didn't see you standing there. Hey, he goes, I'm new here. Do you know where the library is? And the guy tells him where the library is. And he goes, thanks, man.

You know, and he said something effective. Yeah, you're a good guy. It gives him a little slap on the shoulder. That's it. And goes to the fucking library and they set it up where his fucking his cell was right across the hall from the other guy. And he says to him, he goes, hey, man, he runs into him again. Hey, where you staying?

Blah, blah. Right across. He saw it's good to be with a good guy like you, blah, blah, right across from each other. And he goes, so then fucking the serial killer guy one day goes, hey, you want to get lunch with me and my friends. And at this point, me and Verzi were fucking laughing up balls off going like this kind of social shit happens in prison. Okay, some friends of mine are going to have some other murderers and serial killers.

We're going to get some, maybe get some, you know, frapping a fucking rapper or something. You want to come down? Just kind of hang out. I'll meet you down the comments there. You always think it's all just getting shanked and trying not to get raped, right? So he goes, yeah, cool. So long story. He gains this guy's fucking confidence.

And one time he actually goes in and he sees the guy's got a map with all these red dots on it and all that shit. And he's trying to get to it and blah, blah, blah. So the guy starts opening up and he finally ends up telling him this fucking stories of all the women that he killed and all of that shit. And it's sort of kind of mentioned, he gave him like sort of enough information about where the bodies were. And the Captain America guy kind of fucked up because once he got the information, he

thought he had enough information to find all the bodies and get himself out of prison. And he just couldn't. Oh wait, I forgot the best part. I'm sorry. There's going to be a Tarantino movie. Now we're going to jump backwards. Another way he gained the guy's confidence was one day they were sitting in the TV room watching TV.

He's sitting next to this guy and this big fucking giant dude just gets up and turns the channel without talking to anybody. And as he turns the channel, the serial killer who was like a meek little guy and he just went, he just sort of sat out loud to nobody was like, Hey, I was watching that like powerlessly really fucking weird psycho thing. And the fucking Captain America dude walked up to the big dude and knocked him out. Just beat the guy's ass hit him with an uppercut fucking forearm shiver and just sent this guy flying through some chairs.

And then they stuck him in the hole. That's what happened. And then when he fucking comes out, tell me it doesn't sound like a fuck. I almost don't even believe it. So that's when he gained the guy's confidence. That's when the dude told him. And the second he tells him this dude, Captain America couldn't hold it in anymore. And he goes, dude, you know what?

You're a sick fucking piece of shit. Blah, blah, blah and flipped out on him. And then the guy, the serial killer just backed up and he goes, he goes, who sent you? And he goes, so and so sent you writing. He named the prosecutor and then he just fucking disappeared and the map disappeared too. So then it's like they didn't get the map. So there was a thing we don't know where the fucking bodies still are, blah, blah, blah, blah. But you got him to admit to these fucking murders.

So we know that the women are at least dead, blah, blah. Basically, then he did enough where he got out. And the whole time we were watching this fucking thing, we were just going like, this is a, this is a fucking movie. Now I guarantee you when they do the fucking movie, they don't even need to add any mustard to it. But I guarantee you in the movie, he won't flip out in the end. You know, or if he flips out, but then he somehow, and then that'll be the last little like hiccup. Like, oh no, they didn't find the map in the movie. He'll find the map.

And then the parents will actually get closure. But in real life, you know, it's not a fucking movie. It sucks. But isn't that unbelievable? That's like a, it's so fucking nuts. Like at one point they were visiting his old house and he showed. He goes, yeah, I used to live here. I used to live here.

I had all these cars. I threw like a fucking 20 kegger here one night and he goes up into the room and he shows the secret place where his safe is. And, you know, one of those Fort Knox fucking things. It's just, I don't know, man. It was fucking an incredible story, whatever, whatever. I know half of them fucking glorifying a goddamn drug dealer, right? Isn't that what I'm doing?

And in the end, I know you guys wanted a happy ending. There wasn't a happy ending because he fucking, he kind of screwed it up in the end, but they still let him go though. Which is sort of odd, right? You know, this is weird and uncomfortable to watch at this point. You know, all these videos they show where there's cops beating up black dudes and all that type of stuff. You know, what's really weird is to watch white kids fucking with cops. Like I saw one kid was doing this thing where he was drinking a beer where you weren't supposed to drink a beer. He did like a magic trick and the cop goes, you can't drink here and he keeps fucking drinking, keeps drinking,

then he ends up putting it in the bag and then the fucking bottle disappears. He was like a magician. And it's just like, you know, that made me miss the Chappelle show because he would have done a sketch about that and I'm going to show the black guy trying to do the same thing where he would get like a third into the trick and the fucking bottle would be smashed over his head. I don't know, and I usually don't go for that whole fucking, you know, if this person does this, but if that person does that, I mean, I have to see in some of those videos and I'm not saying all cops are bad. You know, it's like comedians.

You know, that we're not all hacks. We don't all have lampshades on our heads. We're not all on offstage and have to be the center of attention. However, when people think that about it, I don't about comics. I don't sit there scratching my head, head wondering where that stereotype came from. You know what I mean? That's my only thing with groups of people is like, you know, when you're talking about the stereotype to people, it would really help someone who's not in your stereotype.

If you at least acknowledged where it came from, like me, German, German Irish, so I get Nazi alcoholic fucking lunatic, right? Whatever, whatever all of it is, potato eating, jackass, mass murder and psycho. Now, do I like hearing that shit? I mean, I guess I don't give a fuck, but you know, it's easy for me to say I don't give a fuck because it doesn't affect my life. I walk into a job interview and they go, look at this fucking Nazi red-headed cunt. We're not hiring you. I guess they know what bugged me more.

All right. You know what? Fuck that whole point. Fuck that whole point. I guess I need to listen to people. But just some point, you know what I mean? It was like after like 9-11 when they were doing like at the airport where they were like, anybody even remotely looked Middle Middle Eastern, they were just fucking, you know,

giving them the fucking, they're giving them the business. And then people were getting mad. It's just like, are you even remotely going to address what the fuck happened? You're going to act like you don't know where this is coming from? 3,000 people just fucking died. That was the joke I was doing in my act. I was like, you know what? If fucking 18 redheads flew two fucking planes into the World Trade Center and knocked them down

and I went to the airport, yeah, I wouldn't like being frisked every time, but I wouldn't be sitting there going, where is this coming from? I know where it's coming from. At some level, as much as it would be fucking annoying me that those airport cunts were treating me like that just because of the way that I looked, at some point I would address the 18 redheads that fucked it up for me. Fucked it up for me, right? Does that make any sense? Probably doesn't.

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and so that they know that we sent you. What do I got left here? All right, we're going to do two and two, all right? There's the first two. All right, let's get back to... Why did you conk out on me? Why did the internet conk out on me? How dare you?

How dare you? And now this won't move. Why won't you move? I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. This is how you drag something. All right. Whatever I want to talk about. Okay, oh, the Bruins.

Here we go, Bruins. Here we go. 6-0 and 1. There's 6-0 and 1. Basically, you know what happened? Not only did they start to get to know each other as players, I stopped watching them. And ever since I haven't been watching them,

they've been winning. We've gone 6-0 and 1. The only blemishes when we played the Philadelphia Flyers. Yeah, they came back and fucking tied it up and then they cl-clawed Jiru. Won it in fucking overtime. Well, then that's 6-0 and 1. Would you look at that?

An old Don Sweeney. Who I was, I said at the beginning of the year, I'm like, this guy, the moves this fucking guy made. All right. This guy is either going to be the next Bill Belichick or he's going to be fucking run out of town because this guy went all in. It's just every fucking thing seems to be falling in place.

I know it's really early. It's ridiculous for me to get overly excited about this because when they were over 0-3, I didn't freak out. I was like, they looking competitive. They just keep fucking up a little bit about halfway through the game. Then it became the third period. Now they're kind of nailing it down.

So hopefully this is what they're going to be doing. But now, maybe he's more like the Theo Epstein. I have no idea. All I know is that we're competitive and I was sitting there looking like, we're going to lose to the fucking Canadians every game again this year. And all of a sudden now, who knows?

We'll see what happens, right? Lucic got his first goal for the fucking Kings. Still bugs me to see him in that uniform. But we got the Dallas Stars tomorrow night. Dallas Stars, Jamie Ben, Tyler Sagan, Patrick Schapp. Dude, how many fucking former Bruins and certainly Blackhawks are playing on number one lines around the fucking league?

Look at fucking Winnipeg with Blake Wheeler. Right? Blake Wheeler up there in Winnipeg. We got Tyler Sagan in fucking Dallas. I guess Lucic isn't playing on the number one line. Is he? No, I don't think he is. But you know what? That's the greatest thing about going a daily face off

my favorite fucking website now, you know? And they don't pay me to advertise. For the love of fucking Christ, Bill, can you learn how to drag a goddamn window here? All right. And they also have, I didn't realize that fucking Dallas also has Jason Spezza from fucking Ottawa is their second line center.

Who knew that? Who knew that? I didn't know that. Did you know that? Hey, what fucking team was I just talking about? Do you remember? Oh, the Kings. The Los Angeles Kings, the LA Cunts.

Where the fuck are they? Here we go. Line combinations. He is. He's first line. Left wing with Jeff Carter and Tyler Tifoli. Oh, they broke up that 70s line. Who would have thought?

They got Copa Tars, the center on the second one. Right now you're like, Jesus, Bill, how much hockey are you watching? I'm not. I'm not. I just go to daily face off and you look, you click on line combinations and you can do it. Jesus.

How fucking deep are they? Their first lines. Lucic Carter and Tifoli. Their second line is Pearson Copa Tars and Dustin Brown. Whenever I watch the King, I actually like the Kings. Unfucking believable. The only thing that makes me happy about seeing the Kings this loaded is it makes me,

it gives me hope that the Canadians will not win a cup again this year, even though they're playing fucking great. But anyway, so get the fucking broids. Came right back around. Hung in there and I got all those games taped, so I got to watch them and I'm ridiculously excited to watch the Dallas Stars game because they're fucking, they're, you know, they're one of the best teams all of a sudden.

I've always been a fan of green and white. Come on, I'm a Celtics fan, right? So anyways, let me, let me plow ahead here. Another great thing that I did while I was out in Chicago is I went to arguably the greatest drum shop in the country, Vic's drum shop. And it is this basically giant, it's a combination drum shop and like studio space.

And I lost track. I think there's like four floors to it. And it almost looked like what it used to be. Is, you know, like the one of those places you just storage space, you know, those things are really weird, like the way they set them up and there's those narrow hallways and you walk down them. There's all of that type of stuff. So he kept all the rooms and he just sort of combined rooms

and put in windows so you could see through. And he has like just this cymbal room. He just has like fucking, and he has like total anal, like he has every fucking hi-hat you could think of. And he has him in alphabetical order. So I don't know all the drum names, but he starts with like DW and then it ends with Yamaha. Every fucking kind you could possibly ever fucking want.

The remote, the remote cabled ones, everyone you can think of. He had this DW double pedal that I had never even fucking seen before. They look like a piece of jewelry in glass. He had another area where it was just all acoustic drums. Then he had this whole area that was all electronic drums. He had upstairs, he had these two monster fucking kits like Terry Bozio type shit.

I went over there with a friend of mine. He let her play on it, let me play on it. It was just, it was fucking insane. It was fucking insane. And I went into one of his drum rooms. It's nice and clean. The drums were all tuned up. They sounded fucking great.

And what killed me is I could have been going down there. Every fucking day playing drums when I was in Chicago instead of being laid up fucking hammered. I got so drunk at the Liars Club. And if you think I'm not going back there again and doing nine shots and dancing to AC DC, it's over. Like I'll tell you right now, Vicks drum shop and fucking Liars Club. I'm hitting those every time I go to town.

Although next time I'm going to bring the lovely Nia. Chicago is a, I got all kinds of family out there. And one of the big things, all the men on both sides of my family would always take their wives down to Michigan Avenue buy shoes or whatever, like throughout all of the last century. So that's something that I have to do. At some point I got to take Nia down there and buy her something. But I could not have had a better time.

And I have to tell you right now, if you're a fucking drummer, I don't give a fuck where you live. If you're anywhere there in the Midwest, if you're in fucking Des Moines, I don't want to hear you bitching about the fucking, the ride. Like if you're going to make a major purchase, if you're going to go buy a bunch of new symbols and all of that type of shit,

I'm telling you get in your fucking car, drive to Chicago, go to Vicks. And I'm telling you that guy, he has everything. He had Zildjian, he had Savian, he had pasty, pasty, why would you say that? Minal, he had fucking, he had it all. Every fucking high had.

It was insane. It was fucking, it was actually like, and he was going over, he had a percussion room. He was going over the whole fucking thing. It was like sensory overload. I almost had to try to be like, he had like a whole fucking, all these snares. This whole room was just all snare drums.

Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of fucking snares. The amount of money this guy has invested in, just to be carrying that amount of inventory. Another cool thing he had, he had a whole tabletop, this giant table, almost like an island that you'd have in like a big kitchen. The whole tabletop, the surface was made out of that material

that's a practice pad. So like literally like 20 drummers could stand around it and I'll be just trying out sticks. And of course in the stick room, I can't even, like the whole fucking thing was just, it was just from top to bottom, it was the most insane fucking place I've ever been to. And I was just like, hey man, I wanted to play,

you know, if I wanted, how much did you charge for studio time? He's like, hey, like 15 bucks for an hour. I can go play in a kit, you know, while I'm on the fucking road. That would have been the greatest thing ever. So that's my one regret, is that I didn't do that three days in a row and get three hours better on drums

because who's kidding who, I probably had gone after two. You gotta do at least two, right? The first hours practice and all the shit you suck at. And then the second hours, just playing to all your favorite songs, fantasizing that you're in the band. I don't think that's weird. I think that's normal for me to do.

Pushing 50 years of age. So anyway, so I got the big Philly gig. The big Philly gig coming up this weekend and Friday night. And it's going to be me, Paul Verzi, and Joe Matterese, Joe Matterese Philly native. And we're going to be coming in there. So I've been asking the good people of Philly

where I should go to get my fucking cheese steak, you know, because tourists like me, go down to geno's in the other fucking place, whatever they are. So I've been getting all these ideas from people and the overwhelming winner. All right, this is like an election. So you're going to know who's winning.

And if you guys think I'm making a mistake, you got to send me a tweet. The overwhelming winner, as far as not going to those two places, is John's roast pork in Philly. Now, I know right now everybody in Philly either went like nuts like yes. I should say people from Philly listening to this,

either went like psyched that I'm going there, or then I'm going to get a bunch. Oh, I don't fucking go there. That place sucks. So overrated. I went there and it was fucking dry. So John's roast pork Philly. I mean, that sounds delicious.

So I think that that's where I'm going to go. That's where I'm going to go after the show. I'm going to go over there. I'm going to stand a fucking line as of right now. Unless somebody tells me, unless enough people tell me differently, that's where the fuck I'm going. That's where the after party is going to be.

I'm going to go out and get a fucking cheese steak. And you know what? I can't fucking wait. I can't fucking wait. That's going to be great. I just fast forward in my life. So anyways, but like I said,

I'm going to try to be a good boy here this whole week. I'm going to be working out and doing all that type of shit. I got to get my ass back in shape. I put on probably like seven or eight pounds over two weeks, maybe not that much weight. It just feels like I did.

But you know what? I'm going to, I'm in town here for a good four or five days before I have to go back out again. And I'm just going to eat perfectly and work out. That's what the fuck I'm going to do. That's what I'm going to do. And I think just from just literally not drinking

at this point, that alone will be enough for me to drop a couple this week. So if I drop a good, you know, three, four before I do the Madison Square Garden, I should be happy, right? All right. So there you go. Oh, did anybody see that fucking Giant Saints game?

Did you see the Giant Saints games? One of those fucking insane games I've ever seen in my life. One quarterback throws for seven, Drew Brees, Eli throws for fucking six. Did you just fucking, you want to see, every time I watch the Giants, there's something that reminds me,

not every time, but a lot of times it reminds me of losing Super Bowls to them. That fucking drive that they had, the football gods love Eli. I don't ever want to see that guy again in the playoffs. He fucking comes down the field, right? They're threatened.

They're down by, what were they down by? They were down by 14 at that point. It was like 42, 28. Nobody had even attempted a fucking field goal at that point, I believe. So probably hadn't punted either. So they fucking, whatever,

they call a pass play. He drops back to pass. Somebody comes right up the middle, fucking drills the guy. He fumbles the ball. Saints recover. There's like 13 minutes left or 12 minutes left.

It's not the nail in the coffin, but like if the Saints drive down and fucking score a touchdown or even kick a fucking field goal, they're three scores up with probably nine minutes left. They are ridiculously comfortable at that point. All right?

The defense would probably be a little deflated because they sense it too. The Saints would be on their toes. You know, just a game changer, right? Football God step in. Football God step in once again. They called some ticky tack horseshit fucking defensive holding, right?

On the Saints, which gives the fucking giants the ball back and keeps the drive going, gives them like a fucking first down. They get all the way down to the end. They're on the goal line. Eli goes back to pass. Here comes the fucking rush

and he's rolling out. They should have sacked him, but they didn't. He's rolling out. And I know what's going to happen. He's going to throw the ball and somehow it's going to land in some giant giant's hands.

So he throws the ball back across his body, running right, throws it back left with barely anything on it. Classic Brett Favre six interception game throw. Throws the fucking thing. It's going to be a pick, but the guy on the Saints miss times his jump, gets hit by another saint,

lands on his fucking head and gets a concussion. And this fucking duck just lands into the hands of a giant for a touchdown. I've never seen a guy, the horseshoe that is up this guy's fucking ass. I just, I looked at it. I was like that, that right there. If we play them again,

that's how we will lose. We'll lose to him just like that. Exactly to a fucking T. I don't know what it is. He, that guy has the fucking magic. And there's nothing too. Now that I'm saying this and being a whiny cunt fucking patriot fan,

that guy also made some fucking sick ass throws. He's definitely, I'm not showing the guy. I fucking love him. I think he's the shit, but I've never seen a guy fuck up so many times and does not pay the price for it. Maybe I need to watch him more

or maybe I'm still just so fucking rattled from those two fucking. Oh my God. When we were undefeated, when he threw a pick to Wasante Samuel, it hit him in both hands. The guy just drops it. Then he throws behind his fucking receiver.

The guy reaches back over the patriot guy's arm and catches it with his hand and his helmet. Fucking I, I mean just, anybody else that be an incomplete pass, you fucked up as a quarterback or it would be, it'd be a pick, I'm telling you. I've never fucking seen it. It's just, it's insane.

I never want to see that guy. If we play the Giants in the Super Bowl this year, I'm telling you right now, I'm not going to watch it. Or I'll watch the first three quarters and then I'm just walking away and I'm going to stand outside my party and just waiting for the screams of agony.

I know it's going to happen. I'm doing what the fuck? When that happens, I'm just going to fucking, I'm just going to walk away. I'm going to walk away. I'm not going to watch ESPN for like a month. I might even take a month off from my podcast.

I didn't want to fucking see it. I'm telling you, this guy, he sold his soul. Something happened. Isn't that right, Cleo? Come here, get over here, buddy. Get up on the couch. What do you say to your buddy, huh? What do you say?

You never do the fucking moan when I give you the hug. She does this thing. I come up, she give her a hug. She goes, You stink, buddy. You know that? I'm going to give you a bath. You want a bath?

Oh, there's the look. Why don't dogs like getting baths? You know what I mean? They hate the process, but then afterwards they fucking freak out. I can't tell if it's because they feel good or they just psyched that it's over, but it's almost like watching a junkie

just keep using rather than just going, if you just go through a little bit of misery, you know, you're going to be all right, huh? All right, let's read some letters. Cleo, you want to chime in on some of these? All right, cross country lady. Hey, maybe I can get Nia up here. She hasn't done the podcast in a minute.

Hang on one second, hold on. Well, no such luck. I thought she was downstairs. Where is she, Cleo? All right, cross country lady. Bill, I'm a 25-year-old girl. You're a woman. You're a lady.

I'm pretty responsible and competent and don't whine like some bruds over there. I'm not one of those girls who can say they know how to change a tire, but I've done enough that I think I could, if I had to. Yeah, you can change a tire. You got to change a tire,

but nobody can change a fucking tire with the factory jack that they, jack handle that they give you. You can't get enough fucking torque unless you just some fucking, you got those Popeye forearms. What you really need is you just need a little piece of pipe that you can stick over,

you know, you loosen the lugs while it's still on the ground. Then as you go to jack it up, you stick your spare underneath the tire and underneath the fucking frame in case it comes crashing down. That's supposed to save you, but the fucking thing's so goddamn small now,

it doesn't matter. All right, you take the fucker off, you put the new one on. All right, you put all the fucking lugs on, that you put in your pocket or in a place that none of them rolled away, and then you lower the car back down, and then you tighten and you go.

It's the easiest fucking thing ever, right? All right, that's the attitude, right? On a somewhat related but unrelated note, I'm looking to drive across the country. I'm moving to Los Angeles from Rhode Island. My parents are cool and trust me, but they have their concerns about me driving by myself.

Yeah, absolutely. You've seen this great country from all your touring. I suspect early on in your comedy career there was more driving than flying. Absolutely there was. Do you have any advice or warnings against me doing so? I would take a week or so

and pick out some different stops. I drive a 2003 black Volvo station wagon. It's ready to go, so am I. What are your thoughts? P.S., thanks for checking in on us on Thursday. It really means a lot. All right, what would my advice be? My advice would actually be

to maybe do it with somebody else, just because, um, especially it depends on where you're staying. You know, as a woman going out there by yourself, I would definitely stay at nice hotels, enough underground parking, you know, just really well-lit places. Don't do what I did where I'd fucking,

I drove across the country in about two and a half days one time. My T, my big square 1990s TV in the back, and I would just pull up to shitty hotels and I would just sleep in the car, because I didn't want to drag all my shit out of the car into the thing, so I just slept there like a fucking idiot.

Someone sort of broke the window. By the time I realized what was going on, my throat would have been slit. So I would do it with somebody else. If you're going to go during the wintertime, you want to get south as quick as you can. Maybe go across the 40. Hey, Nina, you want to come on the podcast?

I'm going to eat breakfast. Can you say hello to everybody? Hi, everybody. All right. So I would maybe do the 40, as opposed to the 70. The 70 is beautiful when you drive across. I believe that one, it actually goes south of Pittsburgh.

But you go through, like, my favorite part of the 70 is actually when you first pick it up, is at the 15. The 15 goes up and meets the 70 from the west. Well, but why don't you take a fucking map out? Going through Utah. Wait, I got to reread it.

You're in Los Angeles. Yeah, so if you take the 70 across, going through Utah, going through Vegas, going through the Rocky Mountains, this amazing tunnel that you drive through, as you get out towards Grand Junction and all of that, I will tell you what is a motherfucker is after,

I mean, you got to do the thing where you go through St. Louis. You know, when you see the arch, that's the shit. And it's cool right until you get to Kansas City. Stop in Kansas City, get yourself some barbecue, and then just fucking settle in, because Kansas is a motherfucker. That's a motherfucker trying to get through that thing. Although, you know, if the Jayhawks have a game,

I'd stop. Yeah, if you figure out shit that you want to do along the way, you can have a great time. But I got to be honest with you, if you were my sister or my daughter or whatever, I would not want you doing it by yourself. But if you are going to do it by yourself, just make sure you stay in safe places,

keep your head on a fucking swivel. And I would also, the second you get tired, pull over. I mean, get to your destination. Don't do the dumb shit that I did, it's almost like hallucinating. I got a buddy of mine, a comedian told me a story. He's the one who cured me of it. He was fucking driving to the airport,

nod and off like early in the morning. And the next thing he woke up, he was laying in a field. He got thrown from the fucking car and somehow just landed in the field and was okay. And he wasn't wearing a seatbelt, obviously. By the way, did you guys see that kid out here in Los Angeles? This poor kid, like 20 years old, was driving, lost control of his car.

The thing was rolling, he got ejected out of the car. And you know those signs on the freeway that the trucks, that 18-wheelers can drive underneath without hitting? He went up, hit that thing and landed. You know, sometimes they have like a little walkway up there. His body landed up there. So I would say be careful. Definitely be careful.

What the fuck is all the rest of the questions here? For this week, that's what I would say. Oh, look who's here. You decided to show up. Cleo, for the love of fucking Christ, you got to do that every week. I can't get through the podcast without the thing. You just love unplugging shit, don't you?

All right, come in, Enny. Help me with these last few questions. I don't know what just happened to them. I had a bunch of questions and they all went away. I don't even know where that one was from. All right, here we go, Royals. You don't want to talk sports, do you? Can you grab another microphone, though?

Hang on. Let's see here. You can plug it in. Here, can you grab a microphone and I'll plug it in? I think it's somewhere in my bag. Either that, yeah, we'll probably have to share one. Sorry. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sorry, plug it in, plug it in. All right, with the magic of the pause button, here we go. All right, Nia, we're going to talk sports with you. Oh, goodie. The Royals, where are they from? Cincinnati? No.

Wait, wait. Good guess, though. It's one of those cities. One of those so-called B level cities. I don't know. Wait, wait. No, no, I don't know. They have great barbecue.

Kansas City? Bam. Billy Bats. I know you're touring and you didn't get to see much baseball, but I just want to say how much I like Harold Reynolds. You know Harold Reynolds, right? It's a huge difference having a guy who can explain baseball. I know baseball, but it's the insight you want to hear.

This was a great World Series. Don't know what the ratings were, but this was the best baseball I've seen in a while. Despite the fact that the Mets were lucky to be there based on their record and slow start to the season. What the fuck does that mean? What do you mean lucky to be there? You don't get lucky getting in the World Series.

You won the games you had to win. The Royals played really excited baseball. Hits are more fun than home runs any day. Thanks for the podcast. All right, I guess he's just saying he likes Harold Reynolds. That's really not a question. No, I was like, you know what was really cool was, of course, you know this, to see George Brett excited like a fan

when he saw them all run out. You know, the great George Brett, the last guy who came the closest to hitting 400. Okay. He hit 400 like through August almost. He ended up with at 390. All right, Halloween drama. Here we go.

Nina, you were home for Halloween. Yes, I was. Bill, you're really bringing it this week. You are really bringing it. You didn't get any breakfast. Yes, I was. Halloween is a date in October. Yes, it is.

All right, Bill, I'll cut right to the chase. I was at a Halloween party and naturally tons of girls were dressed scantily clad. My girlfriend's costume, though, though a bit revealing was extremely tasteful compared to other broads. So I see this dude taking pictures of girls' asses and just being a creep about it. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. So I look at him as if to say, what the fuck are you doing? He just walked away. A couple of minutes later, I see him snapping a picture that was framing my girlfriend's tits. Albeit they were covered and not hanging out. It was still a creep move.

Yeah, of course. So I stepped in front of him and confronted him. Yep. He said, it's a party. Everyone takes pictures. A couple of people looked at me funny like I was an overprotective douche. What?

No. The thing is, I opened my mouth before it even involved my girlfriend. Did I do something wrong? Of course not. No. And that's the thing about it. It's like, I feel like women can say over and over again,

don't take pictures of me. Stop luring at me. Stop being a fucking disgusting, perverted creep. But it's going to take guys like you and other guys to say to other guys, that's not cool. Stop taking pictures of these girls unless they're posing for pictures for you. Right.

I think they did. And don't take pictures of my girlfriend. Don't do that. I don't care if it's a party. I don't care. That happened to me one time. I went to some bar, club, or something and I was dancing with my girlfriends.

And this dude came and was trying to video the entire thing of us dancing together. And I was like, I just stopped. And I put my hand in front of his face. And I was like, don't do that. He was like, who are you freaking out about, ma? Everyone's just like taking pictures. It's cool.

It's cool. I said, no, it's not cool. You're not allowed to take pictures of me. Stop taking pictures of me. And then finally, he just kind of like turned away. And I'm sure you're going to have a contact. Well, when you're in public, he actually is allowed. But you're still just telling him to stop.

What do you mean? He is allowed. He's allowed. If you aren't you're in public, you're considered in public. And it's on you. That doesn't, but it doesn't make it. Okay.

It's the new cell phone. Aranya. It's, it's, it's, There's no rule that says you're allowed to just take it. There's no rule saying we can't do. We need to talk about. Sorry. I knocked the plug out.

We're back here. Here's the thing. Like with the new, with cell phones now, like all of that type stuff, you can tell something not to do it, but they can't be prosecuted or anything for doing it. Once you're out in public, you're considered in public and people can take pictures of

you. Hmm. Like the paparazzi. They just follow famous people around. They take fucking pictures of them and everything. They can't go like into their house or go onto their property. Then they're considered trespassing, but the second you walk out there,

well, here's my question to you. I don't think, obviously, I don't think that someone should fucking take pictures. That's definitely creepy. But as far as the leering thing goes, do you think women have any responsibility as far as if you're going to go out there and dress suggestively? Do they have any responsibility?

I think that if you go out and you're dressed in a revealing way, I think, yes, of course, naturally people are going to look at you, but it doesn't give anybody the right to say nasty things to you or to touch you or to think that they just have. I'm not talking about touching. I'm just saying somebody's staring at you. I knew you were going to get mad.

No, I'm not. I knew you were going to get mad. I'm just saying, like, it's like, if you don't want that to happen to you, right? I can wear whatever the fuck I want to wear. That's the bottom line. So can I. I can walk down the street,

make wearing a fucking suit made out of dollar bills, and then when I get hit over the head and mugged, I'm going to be like, I should be allowed to blah blah blah. But there's like the way you wish the world could be and the way it really is. I agree, but I don't think that anyone should feel like they have access to you on those levels

just because of what you're wearing. It's still not right. Absolutely, it's not right. But my fucking... So we're saying the same thing. I know, but my thing is, is you know that there's creeps out there. Mm-hmm.

You know that there's animals out there. Mm-hmm. Why would you put yourself in the crosshairs of them? Because I... Well, because it's not about them. It's about what I wear the person wants to wear. It's about you. Yeah.

And so if I want to go out and wear something sexy, because I'm feeling myself, then I'll go out and wear something sexy. And I would expect that people would look at me. Sure. But would I expect them to start, like, taking pictures and shit? No.

I'm not saying pictures. I'm saying the leering thing. Like, as a guy... Yeah, you're going to get looks. Yeah, you're going to get looks. On the guy's side of it is when a woman shows up with her tits hanging out. Mm-hmm.

Okay? And you look at her tits and then she gets mad. We're always like, well, fucking put them away. And then it's always like, well, I should have a right to have my tits out. They're my tits. You know?

And then we get yelled at, like, where these fucking lunatics. And it's almost like that in policing, that's like entrapment. Well, I think this... Well, first of all, no one's fucking thinking about you. All right? You're not fucking Mary and Barry.

This isn't entrapment. Okay? So, yes. I'm not... I'm just a joke, Mia. I'm just standing there like, oh, the entire time. It's like I start feeling fucking creeped out

and weirded out and unsafe. So have your look and keep it moving. Okay. So that's definitely fair. Have your look and keep it moving. I love it. That's the rule. So let me ask you this.

But don't try to invade my space and try to get into my head and all that kind of shit. Like, don't do that. Have your look. Keep it moving. All right. Here's my question for you.

What's the difference? What's the time? We'll put a shot clock on this. You know, in the NBA, you got a 24-second shot clock. The difference between having your look and leering, how many seconds before your shot clock violation and you turn over the ball?

I think anything beyond five seconds. Five seconds is a great look. Yeah. Five seconds to do it. The old up and down, nice maybe a little smile. Keep it moving. All right.

Now that took less than five seconds to even describe all that. Well, so I think five, you want to hear five seconds? I'll show you five seconds. He's looking in one, two, three, four, five. So someone can look at you that long. Yeah, that's good.

That's all right? Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. You're a hot shit. All right. Five seconds. Any ladies out there, if you want to add some time to that,

do you want to shave some off? That is the kind of thing that the guys though, because listen, sometimes, you know what's the worst thing? Is when you're not a fucking pervert, but the woman's gorgeous and she's wearing something so revealing, and then she comes at you like,

you're a fucking creep, and you're just like, you're wearing a cat suit. Like, what am I supposed, I'm not supposed to fucking look? Okay. That's all right? That sounds, yeah, you can,

it's like I keep saying, look and keep it moving. That's it. You know what? It doesn't have to be this whole fucking thing where you're like staring and panting, and by staring, you're trying to get my attention

so that I react. It's like, if you're going to stare, then I catch you staring, just sorry, it's for staring, you look beautiful. Thank you. Moving on. There you go.

And then what if he tries to talk to you? I mean, you know, what's he supposed to do? You look good. He wants to fucking, you know. Thank you. Keep it moving. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. You can't, what if he wants to ask you, what if, you know, what if you were single? I mean, you know. And what? Well, it depends.

If I'm interested in like, continuing the conversation or whatever, then yes, let's continue the conversation. But in all aspects, you've got to like, wait for like the opening to appear. You can't just force the opening.

That sounds gross. Yeah. We're like door-to-door salesmen, single guys. We just, we have to like fucking just knock on the door. Yeah. Hey, how you doing?

I really like to have some affection. Okay. Thank you. Hey, how you doing? Yeah. And that's the thing about it. It's like guys act like, you know, it's not like the fucking end of the world.

Like, you know, 10 seconds later you're talking and looking at somebody else. So, what is the big deal about moving on if there's not like the person saying, like, oh, I want to like-

You haven't had breakfast yet. And you have music, fucking great, I can't, I can't get mad at any of this. Five second look, keep it moving. If I give you a look like I want to keep talking,

these are really basic ideas. You know what I mean? It is. It's really, it's really easy to talk to you that they'll continue talking to you. Oh, thank you so much. Oh,

are you here with friends? Boom. Let me ask you this. Have you ever been out with a friend who's wearing something so revealing and they're getting so much of that attention, they're complaining about it. Have you ever said to him like,

well, maybe you should have put the girls away a little more. You know, maybe you should have brought the garage door down a little bit more. No. You've never said that? No.

I've never said that to any of my girlfriends. Have you ever thought it? Have you ever felt it? No. You've never had a roommate or a girlfriend just show up and be like, oh my God, her hoo-ha is almost peeking out

from underneath that dress. This is, oh, I'll tell you, this is going to be a rough one. No. Like, you know all these dogs? You never think that? I have to be honest with you, though.

I don't think that most of my girlfriends dress revealingly. Okay. So have you seen somebody that you don't know? But they just don't know. Have you seen somebody that you don't know? Show up at a club. Mm-hmm.

Okay. With like, you know, body paint on and a pair of pasties and just go like, am I at carnival? Huh? Like, what is she doing? You know what I'm talking about. I'm just asking,

do women also look at the woman? Yes. And look at her and be like, what is that idiot doing? Um, yeah, probably. Mm-hmm. I think that's a yes, but for some reason you're not going to give it to me

because I'm a guy. Well, no, I don't think that's it. I think there's definitely been times where you're just like, really, girl? Really? Okay. All right. And that's about it.

All right, that's kind of vague. Really, girl? Really? Okay, okay, that's fine. Okay, that's not a good answer. Or like if I see a girl wearing shorts that are like denim shorts that are basically fitting you like underwear,

I feel like that's a little extra to have your ass hanging out. But if a girl wants to walk around with her ass hanging out, it's like I'm not, it doesn't trip me out, but I do personally feel like it's a little bit much. And why is that?

But I'm also getting older. So I'm getting a little bit more conservative because I don't need to see your ass cheeks, girl. I don't need to see that. But it's not, a lot of times, I will continue that it's not for me. It's not even necessarily for guys. It's for her.

So despite how I might feel about, wait, wait, despite the way I might feel about how she's dressed, that is her decision to be dressed how she's dressed. And guess what? It doesn't ruin my whole day and it doesn't send me into this tailspin of like, oh my God, I don't understand.

These girls are walking around half naked and I'm not supposed to look like Wah Wah. Five seconds, keep it moving. No, but here's my thing. Do you understand how fucking ridiculous it is to walk down the street with your ass hanging out? I do understand how ridiculous this is. I do think it's ridiculous.

I think it's too much. But again, it's not my fucking thing to get upset about with somebody else wearing. You know what's funny? You know what's funny? It's not my business. It's when I drive down the street,

being an ass man, if a woman has her ass hanging out, it's like, I got like a free show. Yes, exactly. And there's that classic thing. There's that classic thing where like, guys can't do that. There's nothing we can do like physically like that

that makes you guys almost crash your car. This is like a hacky joke. But if we were walking down the street with half our nut bag hanging out, you'd be like Wah! Yeah, it'd be gross. Because that's not sexy. We're animals. I know, we're animals.

It's not sexy. A woman's ass can be sexy. Her breasts, her legs, her whole body. It's just like curvy and delicious and the whole bag of guy with his ball bag hanging out is disgusting and you want to call the police. Yeah, if it was a car, like the woman's like a Lamborghini

or a Ferrari or a Porsche. Like how many women flashers do you know? Like have you ever heard of a woman like going into a place and exposing her genitals to like a room full of men and running out? Can I tell you something? It's creepy as that is. Flashers are the funniest fucking thing ever to me.

The fact that they, you know, the classic one with the fucking wingtip shoes, the dark socks and just the raincoat on and you just throw open your fucking coat showing your flaccid dick or whatever to me and then people are horrified. Like the reaction that you get. Yeah, it's like traumatic.

It's fucking weird. But that's the funny thing about it is that you would think that you're doing something because in the end you wanted to get a positive reaction. But to fucking throw it open and people are really repulsed like when you do that looking at your naked body the fact that they get off on that is fucking hilarious to me.

It's so, it's gross. It's just a dick. It's just a dick outside, you know? Yeah, it's like no, no it doesn't. It doesn't want to be free. It doesn't need to be free. Keep it tucked away and your little underpants. You know, I can understand most fetishes.

That was for the life of me. I don't get, what do you do? What are you doing? Then you do that and then what? You jerk off to the screams still ringing in your head? Oh, is that what they do? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't even know if they do it. I don't think that they do it. Like I think Hollywood made it be the raincoat because they couldn't show a dick on film for whatever reason. So they just had the guy go like that so it would block all of it and you just see his naked legs and he was understood that he was naked. But I think really, for the most part,

it's probably sweatpants and they probably yank them down and then they have it right underneath their junk and they go ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, all right, all right, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, that's gross. I remember being in the New York city subway car

and this guy started masturbating in front of me and I ran out and I was pretty much in tears. It was so upsetting and it was just so... It's like, it's violating. You know, just someone staring at you and just being like, why are you laughing? It's not funny. It was really upsetting.

See, you don't fucking get it. No, I think you should have laughed at him and pointed right at his... That's exactly what he wanted. He wanted to like me to keep like watching it and like... No, he wanted you to be fucking shocked. I don't know who the fuck knows what he wants.

Either way, either way was just horrifying and it felt like, it felt terrible. It felt like it was, it was a real violation of me. You know, like you can't just like see a stranger and just start jerking off. Take a mental picture, keep it moving, get home and then rub one out. Like a gentleman.

For your dirty studio roach infested apartment. Well, why? Just because he jerks off and the train doesn't mean he can't be successful nine to five. I don't really care about his success if he feels the need to jerk off. Maybe he's one of those guys... You are not a success.

You are a failure. I gotta think afterwards, after you're done doing it, like at some point when you come home and you're brushing your teeth and you look yourself in the mirror, you gotta be like, wow, I'm that guy, I'm that guy that jerks off to people on the train.

I'm sure they hate themselves and they should. Look at Cleo. Half on the bed, half off. And I'm sitting over here. What do you want? What do you want from me? All right, Halloween drama, okay.

Yeah, so getting back to that thing. He didn't do something wrong. They're the guys that fucking creep. Yeah, you should definitely, like, interject when shit like that is going on and let other men know that's not cool. All right, hologram comedians. A break in bed bill.

Have you heard that comedy club in New York might showcase Karlin and Pryor holograms? Okay. I mean, I don't get that. That's fucking weird. That's like a live wake to me. Why? I don't understand the point of...

It's so stupid. Just go home and... It's going to be material you've already seen. So all you got to do is you just go home and you just put in the DVD. I would like to have been there for that Tupac hologram at Coachella a couple years ago. That would have been interesting only because, you know,

you're probably like on a ton of drugs at Coachella and stuff like that. So you're just like... Like, there are all these videos of people, like, recording it, you know, on their phone and you hear people in the background going, I knew it. And people would be like, I told you.

I told like he was actually alive and then they're like, oh, no, wait, it's a hologram. You know what I don't like about it? What I don't like about it is Tupac didn't agree to do the gig. He didn't agree on the money. Who owns the rights to his likeness? His mom probably.

And she probably gave it the... Okay. Can I tell you something? Really? What is that? The after-school special version of entertainment? I'll tell you right now. I bet...

I'm going right now in the future. In the future. I bet all dead celebrities, like fucking scumbag people in this business, will own their likeness. They'll somehow trick their fucking next of whoever into fucking selling the rights to them and they'll still have these people touring

and they'll put together like these hologram fantasy teams and they'll make money off of these people and their loved ones won't get any of the cash. That's what I'm getting. That's going to be the lawsuit in the next 20 years that a dead fucking George Carlin went on tour and grossed $20 million or something like that and none of his next to kin got any money.

And then some fucking little piece of shit will have no comment. Yeah. You don't think so? That's what I think about that. I hope that doesn't happen. Of course it will. They're already fucking...

They started using them in commercials. They had like a dead John Wayne selling like fucking an Xbox or something. It was fucking ridiculous. All right. Cross country. Here we go. Cross country.

Oh, I already did that one. Oh, this lady said really quickly, she was saying she's a 25-year-old girl and she's going to be moving across the country. She's driving LA to Los Angeles. She's driving the car by herself. Obviously get the whole fucking thing tuned up. Please be careful.

Yeah, right? Please be careful. I said she should do it with somebody else. I mean, yeah, she'll be able to handle it. She'll be all right. Just be careful. Yeah. Just make sure that car is running perfectly

and make sure you don't stop in any sketchy fucking motels. It always makes me think of your bit about murderers buffet. What did you call it? Serial killer buffet? Serial killer buffet. A motel. Motels on the ground floor. Yeah.

Well, your door opens up to the parking lot. Serial killer buffet. I'm killing this guy. I'm killing that guy. That one's all right. Yeah. You stayed in that fucking hotel from no country for old men.

All right. Legal zoom, everybody. I got to do a couple of, you want to listen to me do the reads and then sign off? Sure. All right. Jesus. Legal zoom, everybody.

Somewhere along the line, I know I pissed you off and the flasher thing. Did I? No, I don't know. Just in general. But go on. Just an in general annoyance of me? Yep.

But please. Really? Read your ads. I come back off a two week tour conquering fucking god damn hero. I was so happy to have you. Within 24 fucking hours, you're already sick of me. That's what you're saying?

Unfuckably. You know what, Nia? If you ever leave me for the rest of my life, I'm just going to be that guy. I'm going to have dogs. I'm going to have dogs and I'm going to go down to a massage parlor every day, get one rubbed out. And I'm going to be good for the rest of the day.

Dogs and the fucking NHL package. Tell my jokes. That's it. Yeah. Your lawyer goes to call me. What does she want? What does old sweetie cakes want? Don't talk about that.

Don't say that. You dumb bola oatmeal. Is that oatmeal? Is that sugar corn smacks? No. Are you steel-cutty? Granola that has dried banana in it for some fucking reason. All right.

Legalism. You don't like bananas. I don't like the texture. I hate when you say that. Why? It's always the food that I like and then you go, why don't you like it? I don't like the texture.

You're such a narcissist that I can't even not like a certain food and you get offended by it. What do you care if I don't like bananas? I don't like certain words. I don't like. I don't like. I don't like. Why, Bill?

I don't like texture. Who says that? It's a legitimate thing. I don't like the texture of banana. It feels weird in my mouth. It's not a sofa. It's a fucking piece of food. Okay.

Texture can refer to things that aren't just like furniture. Furniture. All right. I just hated it. I don't like the texture. Like you're some food critic. Just be happy God made it and eat it. Good.

Legal zoom. Say that. Say that someday. Some day in the afternoon. Yeah, you're going to go, you go meet God. You tell us, you know, it's my, I had a great time. Thank you for like, by the way, can you work on the banana thing? I didn't like the texture.

This isn't like a human being. I'm allowed to not like banana throwing a bunch of different combinations. It doesn't mean not all natural. So what's like your weed, man? I don't have to like weed is. Oh yeah. Well, that's a good thing.

Hey, it's good to see you. Yeah. Good to see you too. It is good to see you. It's like to be home. Jesus. You shouldn't have to choose a random lawyer who charges expensive hourly rates when you need legal help.

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the right way to save even more and to burn the furlough box to check out. That's legalzoom.com promo code burr. All right, stamps.com. Getting your mail and shipping done. Conceived. I just delivered that like some weird actor. Let me do this again.

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Go to Stamps.com. Before you do anything else, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. That's Stamps.com. Enter Burr. Hey! Stamps.com. Enter Burr.

All right. I like how you shop. Enter Burr. All right. I like how you shout into a microphone which is designed to project your voice. No, I don't. I pull my head away.

I'm a master at using the microphone. If you actually took the time to watch one of my sets one time. Oh, please. And you watch the ebb and flow. I've watched plenty of your sets. And you watch the ebb and flow. The way I bring that crowd up, I push them away.

Yeah, it's a real emotional journey that you take. It is. My dick jokes have three acts to them. You know what, Nia? I was so excited to see you. And I still am. And for you to sit here coming back and I'm not, I'm not feeling the love from you.

You still look cute. That note. Thank you. No, I'm excited to have you back. You've been gone for two weeks. It's great that you're home. You sound like you're reading a statement for an incorporation.

We are excited to have him back. I am. I'm excited to have you back. We still haven't gotten all the information. So we can't comment on anything else at this time. Right. Exactly. You look at that goddamn dog that thing slept eight hours

last night. I literally walked it around the block, gave it food and it is just out like a light. It's right now people, it's on its dog bed. Three quarter of its dog, his body is on the dog bed and then like its head and neck is off. Looks like it passed out. Like it faded.

All right. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you to everybody for listening. And hey, Nia, you're a huge cheesesteak fan, right? I love cheesesteaks. I love cheesesteaks. I don't like when you said that. It's my favorite sandwich.

I felt like you were leering at it. Just look at the sandwich and keep it moving. Keep it moving. You're like, I love cheesesteaks. It's my favorite sandwich in the whole world. It's a Philly cheesesteak. Do you have to say Philly cheesesteak or can you just say cheesesteak?

You take cheesesteak. When you're in Philly, you say cheesesteak. But everywhere else you have to say Philly. When you're in fucking France, you just order onion soup. You know, go, can I get French onion soup? They're like, well, you're in France, you fucking idiot. So everything here is going to be French onion soup. I guess that's true.

Actually, whatever. Okay. Everyone's telling me to go to John's roast pork. Doesn't that just sound good? The name. Oh, it's a place to eat. Yeah. Because what are the two touristy places?

It's Geno's and what else? Oh, I forget. Geno and Rabinowitz's? Yep. Geno's. Oh, wait Philly. Yeah, there's the two. They're right next to each other.

Yeah. Hang on, hang on. Geno's steaks. And then the other one. I don't know how to look it up, but I can't do it with one fucking ant. But even those were good. Last time me and Verzin went there, we both got stood in line. He stood in one, I stood in the other.

We got one of each, cut them in half and then. Oh, did like a taste test? Yeah. Top 10 spots. Are you, are you willing to reveal which one you liked better? Um, oh, Pats. All right. So one of them had a better cheese.

I can never remember this shit. Do you get or I like the bread better? I don't like whiz. I like real cheese. Me too. I like the real cheese. Look how fucking good those look. This is thing too.

You guys don't understand out here. They just don't have good deli's. They can't make good. It's a dry air or something. They can't make good bread. The sandwiches. Which is the fucking pizza. There's that place that I want to go to downtown.

That Pistrami place. That's supposed to be really good in downtown LA. I forget the name of it. They talked about it on that show, The Comedians. Oh, okay. You know what Josh got? And um. Yeah, I mean that fucking brilliant show that I absolutely loved it.

They're not bringing it back for some fucked up reason. Did they cancel that show? Yeah, it sucks. I love that show. Listen, I gotta, I gotta upload this cause I gotta get on with the day here. Hour and 25 minutes. Huh? Cause you stuck around.

All right, everybody go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. On Thursday. On Thursday.