Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-20-17

Episode Date: November 21, 2017

Bill rambles about filming nature, Malcom Young, and social media.

Even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years with the metaverse students will be able to go back to the ice age to visit them The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 20th 2017 right off the bat the first thing you should notice is my hushed fucking tone Not a hushed tone a hushed fucking tone My daughter is sleeping down. This is like 5 30 in the fucking morning and this is the only time I'm gonna have to do this podcast If I wanted to kind of come out on time today, so

That is what I'm doing. I was with my daughter all day yesterday was awesome Nia went out with some friends and then she went out to fucking dinner and and I just sat there we watched the Patriots Raiders I taped the Celtics Hawks game I watched a little bit of the Dallas Philly game because on inside the NFL. I said Dallas was gonna win And my only reasoning was division rivalries, you know what I mean? It's like look how bad the Buffalo Bills got fucking raped yesterday by the San Diego Chargers for whatever fucking reason

They're gonna give us a tough game. They're at least gonna cover the spread one goddamn time For the simple fact that we see him twice a year Going back to like 1960 Back in the AFL, you know, so I was wrong I'm big enough to say that I was wrong Carson Wentz. I guess six foot five unbelievably mobile Yeah, Eagles put a thump it on. I'm a big enough man to say I was wrong I'm a big enough man to let you know that I'm sitting here drinking tea all alone

So yeah, I just did that was just Hanging out with my daughter dude. She's amazing. She really is amazing. She's like All over the place you can say mama now and she can say da da, but she doesn't know what they mean You know and she doesn't know when the word ends So you like say mama and she just goes mama mama mama Say da da she'll go like mama mama come on say da da She'll da da da da da da da da da da and then pointing at myself She'll just smile at me like the fuck is with you and she just crawls away

She could stand she can let go of stuff still stand For a good like I don't know I think her record is like eight or nine seconds And you always think that they're gonna like fall back and hit the head Drives you nuts, but some reason they just they sit right down in there, but I Don't know I still don't trust the whole Still don't trust the whole thing and I did the classic dad moments I was but somebody bought us a toy that I think is a little advanced

For my kid and it was basically You know like the walkers that old people have This is like the same kind of thing except it's You know it has a smiling cows face on it and sing songs on the front, but essentially it's an old person walker so My daughter was pushing it around like on her knees first and then she started standing up What I did was I put my iPhone slightly in front of it, you know because they love any sort of computer screen And

To you know started taking steps with it or anything, but there's like no break on it It's like really fucking dangerous, so I always have to be hovering over so the one time I go to film her Doing it and no, I'm not gonna show you this footage She fucking starts to walk and I'm filming her and all of a sudden she like leaned back and the whole thing like Tipped over on it. She fell down hit her head. She was on the rug though the carpeted area But if I were to show you that video, you'd see the second she was in danger I fucking threw the camera down. I tried to catch her as opposed to most of these fucking parents out there. I Swear to God, it's like they're trying to put them in bad positions

And then the kid falls down and you hear the parents laughing They don't even try to help them because they're all giddy thinking like this is gonna get me a bunch of hits Like I haven't seen this one there's some kid. I guess somebody was telling me like Hanging from something and falls into a fucking fish tank breaks the fish tank or something. That's water. That's glass That's dead fish That's the kind of shit used to get you sent to bed the second your parents saw it They'd be like dude, what the fuck are you doing? Okay, they didn't say dude, but everything else they said

Now the parents just sit there and they you know, it's like watch one of those nature shows Like anytime they show a snake eating somehow it always finds a fucking mouse Do you know long you'd have to sit there following that goddamn snake around with an entire camera crew? The thing keeps turning around looking at you trying to strike you you're freaking it out, right? Bless you and your camera crew making all that goddamn noise you're gonna scare all the mice away But somehow they always seem to capture the moment The snake fights the other snake You know, it kills a rabbit. It kills a fucking bird. I

Want to know why all of these fucking people out there, right all of these animal lovers They're talking about the Japanese beating all those dolphins to death in the Cove. They're talking about don't leave your dog You know in a in a In a car with the windows up all of that shit. What about these mice? Okay on these these these fucking nature shows I think I've told this before I watched one one time They're following this snake through the we'll say air quote woods Okay, the snake is completely oblivious of the goddamn camera crew they must be just tippy-toeing around right? Craft services just off in the distance

you know So they got one camera team is following this mouse the other team is following like this rattlesnake or something so the mouse goes down into the hole and Then the snakes goes down in the hole and then next thing you know, I'm in the hole too The camera is in like the giant living room part The open area at the great room the room over the garage if you will of this hole Okay, the game room the man cave, right?

and The camera is already in there The fucking mouse is standing there like what the fuck You know like Joe Pesci and Goodfell's like I know the second it sees the camera and then the snake comes in and kills the thing I Want to know Peta they're so busy, you know wrapping themselves around some fucking half-dead armadillo layman in the streets Where the fuck are they on this issue? How in God's name could that camera crew possibly in all the fucking holes in the woods?

Of all the fucking mice in the gather mice in the woods I don't know right of all the fucking rodents in the goddamn woods How the hell did they know that this fucking mouse was gonna go down that fucking hole and that snake that they were following Was gonna follow that mouse down into that hole into that part of the hole There's only one way people it was a setup Okay, it's set up the same way they set up those sharks To look like a bunch of lunatics when they hang that fucking steamship round hanging off the goddamn boat Steamship round everybody. I told you I'd working in

Just basically half the hindquarters of a cow. They got that hanging off the side of the boat, right? The great way shark shows up. It's got that Arsenio thing where you know when it smiles It shows way too much gums making it not a sympathetic character, which is why I think when they brought Arsenio back It didn't last that long. I Think personally, I don't think it was because of the talent of the man You know go back and watch coming to America Going blow for blow with Eddie Murphy You know

Same thing with these great white sharks Nugistic beautiful doing their fucking job God forbid you got crooked teeth in America. I'm telling you The mice have crooked teeth. They got pointy teeth, right? Are they meat eaters? The fuck does a mouse eat It's got to be it's got to suck when you figure out That in the pecking order of nature, you're you're just sort of this uh

Like a slider You like this appetizer like this You know all of that. Yeah Christ. They're fucking like rabbits. It's like rabbits have to produce the way they do or a bunch of other species die And I imagine some egghead with the lab coat would say that eventually human beings would die Unless we ate a plant-based diet Fruits and vegetables grains and nuts I'll get into this shit later on, you know

I watched this video saying that you know meat and butter and shit and eggs And dairy wasn't that bad. So you know what happens the second you fucking Say that uh You know this food isn't bad a bunch of people other non experts Come out of the fucking woodwork and start telling you about the videos that they that they just watched and the shit that they think is Right, you know, it's literally like these fucking food people and nutrition people. I'm done with them You know what they like they like religious people Where they think god loves them best their story about god buddha, muhammad

jesus Oh jesus, right I don't want to start a race war here not a race war a religious war here But you got to admit jesus is the coolest out of all of them, you know Hey, man, like Guys want to see me walk on water. I mean just doing all these tricks right He's like a fucking lounge act in vegas. He's pulling all the fucking bread and the fish out

You know in fairness to muhammad, I have not read one word about him I've never read the quran. I never even read the bible You know in the afterlife, I just hope I die in a in a group accident, you know what I mean? So that way we're all just kind of sitting there. I can kind of skate with the smart kids You know when the teacher would come in did anybody uh Read the short story last night Do y'all read it and everybody's kind of like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah like try not to make eye contact Then dude would start asking questions. You're like, oh fuck come on, man

You start looking at the smart kid like do put your fucking hand up and ask god damn answer these fucking questions This is my afterlife thing's gonna be about, you know, I actually don't think it's gonna be that bad Because I am a big believer that either you're just dead like that poor fucking mouse Or the arsineo hall reboot of the talk show. She's dead Oh fuck that I just wake my daughter up I can hear her downstairs, but she always wakes up this time anyways Um It's amazing when you're a parent the second you kid stirs in the crib you fucking wake up

I'm still not getting eight. I was asleep It's probably why I'm talking about this fucking mouse right now 547 in the morning pacific coast time um Yeah, I think either you're dead or you just kind of show up And god's just like uh, yeah, sorry about that You know, it's just a big experiment. I just You know, I wanted to create a bunch of things that destroy each other I

Mean that's what happens if you do watch those nature shows the level of fucking murder That goes on out in nature Just all the time Does anybody die of old age like die a natural death in nature? I think like elephants do But even then they're trying to walk back to that place that they remember and I don't know. They're always hyping up elephants about everything that they fucking remember. It's like I get it. I get it. They're smart Okay, I get it. There's 30,000 fucking muscles in their goddamn nose

Um, I'm just fucking with you. You got to love element elephants, you know rhinos and hippos are the cunts of elephants You know what I mean I can feel like an elephant. You kind of got a shot As long as that kid's not around Like an elephant just kind of looks over here and it's just like I am at you know Keep you keep your distance. Everything's fucking cool and rhinos and like hippopotamuses those fucking things are uh

Did I say rhinos and elephants are the cunts of the elephants that I said earlier? Did I say rhinos and hippos? I don't even know it's fucking early rhinos and hippos are the cunts of elephants You know what I mean Little short motherfuckers. They didn't get the long nose right Just one of those guys coming out playing pick up hockey and pick up hoop and just taking it way too seriously and you just Instinctively try to stay away from them before they blow your fucking knee out

If I watch one of those animal videos when like the hippo is like chasing after the boat Going under the water coming out of the water come on under the water coming out of the water It's like how the fuck is it producing that speed? It's a tub of shit. It's got a giant fucking head. It's not aerodynamic whatsoever and it's got those little short legs I think it's doing the butterfly. It's definitely not doggy paddling when it gets going It's got to be doing the butterfly It's got to be front legs forward, you know, and then both legs at the same time and then thrust and back Like a hippo is like that fat kid at the pool who won't always goes into the pool with his shirt on right

The fat kid in the fucking red head Like me. I don't know why I never thought to do that. I would just take the fucking sunburn It's gonna turn into color later. Is it bill? That or skin cancer? Anyways, how about those new england patriots? number one offense and The lowest rated defense. I don't know about you guys, but I think that spells success in january I'd have to look at the numbers and see how

Just see how they've been doing the over the last if The last few weeks if they've been letting up less points You know, like god knows we got the shit kicked out of us Not even it was just the final quarter and a half We got the shit kicked out of us by the kansas city chiefs Okay, and everyone was going like holy shit brady is old Here comes kansas city And now look what happened kansas city just lost to the fucking

New york giants The lowly new york giants whoever thought you would say that Um, all right patriot schedule results Yeah, 2014. That's what I want to fucking see 2017 um Dude, what what what god's name is going on? The hell scores are these All right, here we go. What the hell's going on with kansas city like how many fucking times can you do this to your fan base?

How many times can you get these fucking people excited? Only to turn around and just shit the bed. I don't understand it. All right preseason preseason preseason All right, we gave up 42 points to the jets Then we gave up 20 points to the saints 33 to the texans 33 to the pathers 14 to the buccaneers 17 to the jets 7 to the falcons 13 to the charges. All right, we're doing all right here 16 to the broncos, but they stink

And 8 to the raiders. All right, I think we're all right then I thought I overheard that stat yesterday that we were Last in team defense It's nice to actually see us get pressure on the quarterback I felt bad for derrick carlo. Jesus christ I don't know if the the raiders have been dropping As many passes as tony romo was suggesting, but how great is tony romo in the broadcast booth? The guy knows the game and he's not afraid to shit on people I love it

I feel like he's doing everything that people think chris collinsworth is doing and chris collinsworth. I thought was always fair I'll tell you right now the patriots are just not getting it done on defense Like I always felt he was in that as much as it was annoying to hear like I know chris I'm watching the game. He can't get mad because the guy's right On the other hand, tony romo just takes shots at guys. It's fucking hilarious Like when they were sitting there saying how tom brady Is the only player to ever throw a touchdown pass in three different countries Being the united states of america

england And uh now mexico So tony romo goes. Yeah, you know what that means. He's a great quarterback and he's really old And you know what I loved about that it was funny listening to somebody make fun of tom brady And then it was also funny knowing that You could just hear tony romo Bitch into his girlfriend about how much attention fucking tom brady was getting You know what I mean as he was trying to be a dallas cowboy quarterback, which god knows, you know, there's no fucking

I Don't know what a whatever whatever no good deed goes unpunished when you're uh A quarterback for that team Forget the fact that tony romo had like 11 quarterback coaches In like 10 seasons or whatever five of it long. He was there You know I bet he was just going like oh, you know Every fucking thing I do in this fucking one horse goddamn town that thinks that this giant city

Just gets scrutinized. Oh, but tom brady. Oh, he's so fucking good-looking. Hey, I'm just as good-looking as that guy, right? You know, he's thinking all of that shit um So it's fun listening to shit on people. I thought it was funny when he made fun of uh d on sanders And then d on sanders who were so above the conversation took the time to shit on him back I enjoy all of that Anyways

Hey, by the way, how great were the mexican fans by the way, you know, I know a lot of americans flew down there Well, I guess we're all americans, right? We're all part of north america all people from the united states of the americas flew down for those games, but um And the raiders are the perfect team down there if I was a mistake and I thought I heard the patriots getting booed down there Which made me feel great Nice to know we get respect down there too and um I don't know. I thought it was a great game

I am a little concerned though considering uh, we lost andrew's our center and then we nick not nick cannon marcus cannon Is out and then the backup to marcus cannon also has gone down. So I don't know who the fuck we play next week, but uh I thought you're right now these patriots. They're offensive line better get healthier. That's going to spell nothing but trouble come january Hang on it's my daughter still I Jesus christ, I think I'm waking her up She's still downstairs making noise. I gotta talk even quieter. I'm sorry. I'll turn up the volume I'll turn everything up. There we go

Why don't you use the volume build to your fucking advantage? All right, I'm gonna whisper For the rest of this, I swear to god the first whispered podcast ever. I'm not gonna do that to you All right, I would I would never do that to you Um, all right, let's talk about some more bullshit I watched my first Bruins game and my in A half of two Celtics games for the first time this year Uh, first of all, who are These 2017 2018 Boston Celtics. I barely recognized anybody's face, but all I can tell you this is we're fucking young as shit

Okay, we got Jason Tatum Miss kids like fucking 20 years old. We got brown who I think they were saying is 20 years old That's not started in our starting five Um We got ally hortford, you know, he's like the zidane ochara of the team We got my kiss smart. He's still on the team And I don't know who the fuck else we got some other guy on there Um, and all I know is we beat the golden state fucking warriors

And and they barely scored any points against us I figure what the final score was but like both teams were like in the fucking 80s Anyways, all I know if it was under a hundred we made the warriors play our game We slowed it down Okay, and god knows if you can beat the golden state warriors in november, what's gonna happen come january I'll tell you right now. The Celtics won one game against the warriors. Does this mean they're gonna sweep them in a seven game series They're gonna start doing that shit. Um, I obviously think the warriors are still too strong I think we I think we have a better head coach and brad stevens

Uh, but I also think we still have to get past lebron james and the cavaliers first I just said I forget who the other guy was. It's the guy from the fucking trade there with the plastic mask Kyrie Irving I'm very excited to watch them. I watched my first Bruins game of this year and I watched the stinkeroo Against the fucking anaheim mighty ducks. I think we beat the kings the next night um And I missed the game against the san jose sharks, but I think brad march on is coming back, but we're pretty We're pretty banged up right now

Whatever it's good to be banged up this time of year rather than The end of the year because that's when you play for the trophy there Um Um, sorry listen I think she went back to sleep. All right, cool jesus christ. How much quieter can you fucking talk? These damn kids. I swear to god. They spoiled brats. They spoiled brats. Dude. What the fuck is going on with the kids city chiefs? I don't get these guys I just don't get it

Now the saints are coming on or when the saints come marching in they got fucking drew breeze and they have a running game I actually fucking looked up yesterday. Um My daughter fell asleep on my chest, right and it's just like I rookie move rookie move I should have had her fall asleep on the bed and then I could have got up and got on with my life for fucking 50 to 90 minutes So she's sleeping on my chest. I'm just like well, how do I How do I make this time productive?

And I realized on inside the NFL how little I know about the players in the league I mean, I was already working too hard on f is for family and I got the kid. I barely know anybody so I started looking up The starting quarterbacks of every team Try to see how many I could name Um All right, so here we go. I swear to god. I don't have them in front of me I'm gonna try to remember as many as I can

Okay, tom brady the greatest of all time up there in new england plain in foxborough And you got tyrod taylor and buffalo. I don't give a fuck who his backup is. I'm not gonna waste my time Memorizing a backup's fucking name all right Until until they do something till they win the fucking job The jets have josh mcown Eli Manning the patriot killer The eagles god who karson wence

And then the alias joe flacco the name you give to the cops What's your name joe Joe what joe flacco? um Oh, then who the fuck do the redskins have you like that? You like that What are his fucking name is there's like 20 carcins? I feel he's another guy with a c name. It's not cunt um

cam newton Then uh Jacksonville has Blake Bortles jamison winston and tampa bay and then jay cutler Maddie icin atlanta drew breeze at the saints marcus mary weather

Is it fucking uh The titans I couldn't name any of these I just fucking tried i'm trying to test my fucking brain here All right, then you go to the bangles you got the fucking The redhead there All right the giant ginger andy dalton With the fucking hipster haircut Mocking my hairline And then the browns

One of the great names in of all sports have Dishon kaiser I love that name Is he a black guy is is is he fucking celebrating hitler's birthday? You don't know I don't know kaiser just sounds like a fucking german officer to me. I don't know why all right Then what do you got you got that guy out there uh from the lions with the fucks his name tommy hill figure I don't know why that name just popped in my head Come on, so I got one of the best Eric hipple. What the fuck did they have?

I just went blank on his name andrew luck Is with indianapolis. I know they got that dude from nc state Backing him up. Aaron rogers. I know he's hard. My ribs still feel why he's hard I don't know who the vikings have The bears have some guy mitchell fucking Trubisky or some fucking thing alex smith Zach prescott the fucking Texans who the fuck do they got

I know there's some fantasy football people just rattle and want they got that kid from Clemson who got hurt And then dendro I always forget that guy's name And Some regular name and his last name is like fucking Oscillation or some shit. I don't know who the fucking cardinals have the la rams have uh The fuck is his name Jared golf Phillip rivers derrick car and then this one killed me cj

beat hard jackoff Murdy you meet whatever his fucking last name is and then you got russell wilson. See that's not bad That wasn't bad Now I asked me to name all the receivers. I can't name anybody That's what I knew I realized when I was inside the NFL that i'm gonna bore you guys to death trying to fucking get caught back up You don't fuck me over Is oh when I stopped collecting football cards, I'd love to get back into it

But they won't they won't just let you buy a whole set You know at least they wouldn't the last time I tried to collect like 10 years ago I think I'm gonna have to give in to start playing fantasy football No, I'm just not gonna know anybody Um, all right. I need to promote some things here Um, I'm doing a benefit tonight at the laugh factory in long beach If you want to come down and watch me do a headlining set and a wonderful comedy club and watch all of the money go to Go to the victims of the hurricane out there in Puerto Rico

Um, please come down. There's some tickets left. All right That club has not been doing the greatest job promoting this fucking show All right, so please come down. I'll do a meet and greet afterwards. I'll shake your hand. I'll sign you fucking tits Whatever the hell you want me to do Um, but I'll ask you first before I sign your tits before I get in trouble um Oh, also Jesus christ. Oh all things comedy. We got our new website up redesigned it and all that type of stuff I couldn't find the tv shows that we've made yet. Those things should be coming up soon too. So please check that out

allthingscomedy.com and uh Now for some sad news Not even sad just an amazing life Malcolm young of acdc passed away And all the football I watched just see in the nfl. I was a little Peturbed I was a little annoyed That there wasn't any sort of tribute to Malcolm young considering He's arguably the greatest rock and roll rhythm guitarist of all time He's written so many classic riffs

All of those acdc albums and there's like four or five that are just absolute masterpieces They're all great, but he has five Fucking masterpieces. All right as much as I love pink floyd as much as I love lead sepulon I mean they're right there with them Masterpiece highway to hell masterpiece back in black masterpiece Let there be rock masterpiece Power age masterpiece Flick of the switch masterpiece

All right, and if you don't fucking think they are it's because you're not you don't know what you don't know what the fuck you're talking about I even like for those about to rock everybody was all fucking like this isn't as good as back in black and shut the fuck up Um anyways, I would have thought the nfl would have done something for how many years that they've been playing hell's bells And thunder struck and all that getting their stadiums all amped up and how many years did his band? You know then come back on tour and sell out those same football stadiums how much money is the nfl? You know that's a great partnership there made off of that band And during the off season when they try to have soccer in their stadiums and the fucking place is half full Who comes in to save the day?

Fucking Malcolm young with his band acdc And some of the greatest riffs of all fucking time You know, um, I was lucky enough to see him How many times I see him? I think I saw him three times I saw him in 86 on the who made who tour On the heat secret tour. I saw his nephew who's now in the band Then I saw them Oh, I think I only saw him twice then I saw him on black ice

I've seen acdc three times and I saw him in the black ice tour that was the last time I saw him and He's just the coolest greatest Yeah, rock and roll rhythm guitars of all time Just the way they would they build a song I was listening to live wire You know only he could just make those chords sound so fucking evil And the way he builds him it still gives me chills tnt I

Don't know if there's just too many overdose the way that song builds. I know everybody knows the classics Um gone shooting the whole second side of powerage Down payment blues all of that stuff. It's just Absolute giant I don't know. I thought did google do a tribute to him. I mean, that's the level of guy that that passed away here Uh, but anyways Thanks to him and his genius and that unbelievable. That was my band Growing up. I was actually laughing listening to all that music

I wasn't really even like sad that he was gone because I think he lived like such an amazing life and um I was just thinking of all the fucking classes That I flunked in high school And how depressed I was how stupid I thought I was and then I would just go out and I would fucking Get in my piece of shit truck And I would turn it on and pop in that cassette And then I would just go into fantasy world that I was in their band and knew how to play guitar

And then I would instantly be in a good mood again And I used to always sing on multiple choice tests that I knew I was flunking And I was just guessing and I was running out of time that bond scott lyric Uh I don't even know what song it's from that take a chance. Why you still got the choice rock and roll damn nation That song would be playing in a loop As I was guessing I forget what I got on my se sat's I got like a 300 something combined

And I'm gonna tell you I tried I took a prep course I did everything and I just fucking shit the bed on it And I'd love to tell you people that I had a major effect on my life, but it didn't Anyways, let's read some so breast and peace Malcolm young There's never gonna be another one like you That's it Him I always thought he always thought he uh, Malcolm young and Phil Rudd were the two coolest guys in the band That was it right there those two fucking guys

Malcolm and Phil Rudd sitting there with the cigarette dangling out of his mouth just fucking crushing it Uh, I think even Billy Joel said, you know, that's the greatest Live band he's ever seen um Speaking of which is anybody here the Howard Stern interview with, um Billy Joel Jesus fucking amazing. What a talent. There's a guy I have to go see live. I can't believe I've never seen that guy live I was such a douche in the 80s. If you didn't have a guitar, I just thought you were the biggest pussy ever

I fucking watch this guy playing his piano Your parents pay for that fucking your recital Meanwhile, he's just total badass. I never understood this is such a bad thing to say, but I never realized how talented and what a badass Billy Joel was I honestly didn't really even pay attention to the guy and still he started getting hammered Driving his car into the fucking fronts of people's houses You know I remember when he was singing like Uptown Girl and all that type of shit Well, now was an Uptown Girl. What was that song or uh?

One of those songs Where he was singing like, you know, he was in love with this girl across the tracks Like he was this badass guy and she's like, dude, you're this little jewish guy playing fucking piano That's about as safe as it gets you're you're a model citizen That's what I thought I didn't realize and he starts getting hammered Driving his car into people's houses and this is just trying to sit down and eat dinner And I was like, oh, you know what I guess he is from the other side of the tracks Gotta love a boo sound

All right, speaking of which I'm 95 miserable days and You know, I was hanging out with these two alcoholics this fucking weekend who are now clean and they're both sitting there going Yeah, you know, I don't miss it. I don't miss it. I was just like, oh, yeah, I do I do You know, all right Yeah Oh, look who's here everybody you little zip All right zip recruit everybody are you hiring? Well, are you

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huh Do you sleep reverse cowgirl? Like you're fucking possessed. Can you imagine that imagine if you fucking married the most beautiful woman in the world and she just sat She slept sitting up in bed Like you go to sleep like a night, honey, and she would be laying back in the middle of the night. You just you know that fucking Instinct you have that should I open my eyes right now and you open your eyes and you look over and she was sitting up in bed

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Go to movement watches comm slash burr join the movement All right, that's it. Okay. Let's get into the questions here for this week I really apologize for the fucking whispering. But what do you what do you want from me? All right, Malcolm everybody Bill if you read this, please refer to me as steve. Okay, steve reads I don't know why I'll never understand why my friends gave me such a hard time for attending the acdc show in madison wisconsin in 2001 Being a high school sophomore acdc with a shit as far as I was concerned

But at the same time I didn't give a shit about top 40 and let my classmates know they had shit taste acdc never let up The most hard-working band of the last 30 years. They'd let me let down their fans Um, I just queued up if you want blood. Oh What a fucking song that is The drums are insane and that perfect fucking drum beat everything is just the shit. He said there's nothing better Um, oh unless you're talking about the live album It's another amazing thing when I actually went to glasgow Scotland I looked up the theater because I wanted to go in there where they recorded then

Thing doesn't exist anymore. Anyways wanted to keep this short. Hope you're well. You freckled cunt All right I don't know what you didn't really ask a question, but I share your opinions on acdc and I've already talked about that shit All right. All right front flipping robot. I actually saw that Hey there billy 2000 Did you see the video of the extremely agile robot? That was going around last week. Yeah, it was kind of looked like a white dude doing flips. Okay

Um Man bill this thing is legit It's the first robot machine that I've ever seen where I thought I cannot disarm this. Oh, yeah, it's total robocop Even with the extreme flames or large amount of water I think it could kill me first You're right about all this robot shit. No one is going to be scared enough to stop this Also, if we didn't make robots that could fight

Would we just be sending our guys into? Wait, also if we didn't make robots that could fight Wouldn't we just be sending our guys into fight russian or chinese robots? Now you just went the exact opposite way Yeah, this is how human beings we Out of fear and just the seduction of power we just keep making these fucking things It would be great if somehow we could all just get on the same page You know

So we wouldn't do this type of shit to each other because this is it's not it's not going to fucking end well It really isn't but we're never going to get on the same page So I you know when I do I just sort of give into the fact that we're doomed to destroy ourselves All right, and I have to think a robot death has to be a quick death I would like to think that the Illuminati who is making these things To replace all of us Because they totally fit the bill for everything the Illuminati wants which is basically slaves Do what we say do whatever we say whenever we say it

And what if we said for years like assholes we like what are we fucking robots? And what did the Illuminati do? Robots And they went out and they made the fucking things I just want to talk to all the nerds out there And everybody who thinks these nerds are harmless. These are fucking fucking egghead nerds Who are so fucking smart that they are going to destroy us because they are listening to the fucking sociopaths of society the people Worrying power

And they go out and they make these fucking things for them you stupid nerd fucking cunts I mean, what do you do if you're held captive by a robot? You just have to wait till the thing powers down and just hope you can find a screwdriver and just start unscrewing shit and just fucking ripping out wires But you know what they're gonna do they're gonna make these robots Like the ones that are designed to kill all of us they're gonna make them out of like the same material as that door On the cockpit of a plane that nobody can get into that's what it's gonna be Unless you have the codes man um

Yeah, that's all uh, that's all scary shit And back when I was Just a fucking guy Who was married and I didn't have a kid it wasn't as scary Because I was already thinking like you know what I've had a great fucking life. I really have I've done all kinds of stuff. I got to Made a dream come true become a comedian everything else has been gravy. I got a great wife This this is the kind of shit that I think that when I see robots, I'm like, you know, I've had a great life

And that thing comes in and just grabs him by my throat and just crushes my fucking windpipe That's what I'm gonna be thinking. I'm gonna be thinking this robot as much as it's killing me right now is never gonna know joy It's just gonna know inputs Um anyways, that's what I'm gonna say to the robot. Yeah, at least I know what happiness feels like The robot gets all mad shut the fuck up But if it could feel anger then it could feel joy All right

sorry Okay, mmp advice a lady requests your advice on men Um, okay. Hi bill. How are you? I love you work especially your specials and your mmpodcast advice I learned a lot from your advice about the male point of view that's really fucking I feel like there's a lot of layers to that compliment and I would be grateful for your insight. All right I don't know why you're listening to me, but okay, here we go I have no fucking background

whatsoever other than failing a lot All right, no professional background. I am a happily married woman with the toddler baby girl Oh, isn't that the best and I'm currently pregnant with another girl He hit the lottery twice I am writing you I'm writing to you because by listening to it seems that in general you feel that women have the upper hand in life However, I disagree. Well, yeah, the grass is always greener sweetheart Um

That is one thing that I always I do ask feminists. I say to them. Is there any scenario? Is there even one scenario where you can think that hey I'm you know as far as men and women go in this scenario. It's good to be a woman They can't do that because their whole business model falls to the fucking ground every fucking scenario. It's so much harder for us Is it everything out there is harder for a woman than why do you outlive us? If your life is really that much more difficult than mine, why do you outlive a man on average by like eight to fucking 10 years? Let me guess because the man is doing something wrong Blame the victim ladies the exact thing you don't want done to yourself. You ever think that maybe you have something to do with it

Here's a classic one. You know when my wife leaves the house, you know what I think I think cool I got the house to myself Right when I leave the house, you know what my wife thinks What can I now text him and tell him to go out and go get me? What can I add? He's out there having fun. Let me add a fucking errand to it um Hey, can you go to Trader Joe's could you just go to Trader Joe's really quickly the saturday before Thanksgiving and wait into that fucking black friday food fucking mosh pit

Sorry, that was my yesterday. Anyways, I disagree. I think men have the upper hand in general, especially when it comes to job prospects salary And sexual aggressions. Oh, Jesus Christ. Here we go again um What does sexual aggressions mean? I don't even know what the fuck that means um I would agree with job prospects and salary, but I think the biggest fucking problem women have is you guys don't go out and start enough businesses You keep coming

Working for men. We've been fucking you over since day one At what point are you going to become self-sufficient and I feel like I'm not just fucking I'm not like being like do as I say not as I do. That's what I did in this business I am self-sufficient in this business If this business took everything away from me, I can still be a stand-up comedian and do my podcast I'm completely self-employed those two things make me the most amount of money And I can easily live off

either of those I got a tv show. I have a cartoon called f is for family But I was never dumb enough to be like well I got a tv show now and quit stand-up comedy like I saw so many comedians do Because eventually your show goes off the air and those fucking residual checks Dwiddle down to like, you know I get residual checks routinely for like under three dollars So

I'm trying to say this to empower you But you know, quit your fucking whining All right, there's all these studies out there that clearly show that women are smarter than men So if you're smarter than us, then you can build a better mousetrap So get together with some of your smart lady friends and start a fucking business But for the love of god, quit your fucking whining Everybody out there is eating a giant shit sandwich now granted There might be less shit in my sandwich than yours, but make no mistake. It's still a shit sandwich

All right, but there's nothing stopping you from picking out the bread Because when you do start your own business You're gonna work more than you ever worked That whole thing where it's like I will start my business and then I will delegate And it will run on its own and I'll sit on a fucking yet. Yeah, and they will rob you blind Anyways, um Sexual aggressions All right, but I think you guys make up more than makeup for sexual aggressions. Whatever the fuck that means

Is that sexual assault are we talking about? We're the ones who have to have an opening line Um, I think you guys more than make it up with uh divorce court aggressions Okay And your whole fucking thing where you know, I wish that women could just beat the shit out of guys instead of just Taking every fuck because an ass kick and it's like You know a week of epsom salt you go to the dentist you can put it behind you All right, but when a woman kicks you kicks your ass and just they you know, they just take everything Everything the house the kids you guitar collection your car whatever the fuck you collect that you love they're gonna make you sell that

Not even because they need the fucking money just because they know it's gonna put another fucking Hole in your heart All right So there you go. So here we go. I'm gonna fucking play my little violin as I listen to the rest of this I agree with george carlin my hero when he said 99 percent Of all the truly horrifying shit Going on in this world was initiated established perpetrated enabled or continued by men Yeah, absolutely, but that's only because women haven't been given an opportunity to show how fucking out of their minds

They are I gotta be honest with you. I I don't understand why to compliment a woman. You have to trash men Anyway, so he says and in the course of life compared with men women have far more to put up with they bear greater burdens extra spoonfuls of shit Oh boy, um I don't 100% agree with that So I also agree with louis ck that men are the number one threat to women Men are the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women and men are the worst thing that ever happens to women

Yeah, but you can say that right back to about women to men No one can fucking destroy a man's life like a woman. Look at all of these fucking powerful men Who who ascend the fucking mountaintop and what brings them down? Marrying the wrong fucking woman will fuck your life over worse than cancer um anyways, I do not I do Not know any woman Who has not been in some way physically and emotionally assaulted and minimalized by men

I don't know any guy out there who's dated a fucking woman and hasn't had his hard fucking stepped on See what you're doing here sweetheart is you're just looking out your own head Okay There's the yin and the yang okay I Don't know. I've never seen a happier woman out there than when she actually meets a great man and vice versa. There's There's a positive way to look at this And in this age where they just constantly trashing men and where you can just hashtag

white male trash Which is you're combining Racism and sexism and you're being called a fucking hero about it. I don't get it Unless you're just going to fight fire with fire. I don't know so anyways I would like to teach my daughters to defend themselves from physical aggression and belittling comments from men Now this I agree with. Yeah, it's called fucking MMA Get your kid involved in miss mix martial arts get your kid involved in uh sports

Big believer in that um However, I do not do not want to make them Biased against men as I want to raise confident polite women who view men as they're equal But know when to defend themselves when necessary um Well, I got to be honest with you, uh, if you look at the millennial generation They've turned Manhattan into bed bath and beyond the vibe I mean older generations literally turned it into a giant bed bath and beyond but like

I mean, I never thought I'd say this but I feel like the stand-up scene is better in la than it is in new york Just as far as the groan factor. I get way more groans in new york city. It's unreal um anyways You had a daughter recently and I would love to know your opinion on what you will say to your daughter about Defending themselves without making them psychotic or biased against men because of the news The me too movement the wage gap in my own personal experiences. Unfortunately. I find myself more and more and enraged with the opposite sex

Yeah, that's because you're just being inundated with these fucking images It's also why you probably think everybody in the middle east is a fucking terrorist because that's all they're showing You know Social media is a massive failure And there's all these studies coming out now that show that it actually It you know, it makes you angry. It makes you depressed It's not a good thing Um

Anyways, and I certainly do not want to pass that on to my daughter under any circumstances I have talked to my husband a little bit about this But I do not want to tell him the extent of my disappointment in the male species Because I plan to stay with them for the rest of my life I would love to know your opinion and especially your defense of men So that I have a different point of view any more Balanced opinion of men that I can pass on to my daughter when I grow up. Thank you very much ps I am from spain and I apologize for any grammatical or spelling errors as my english is not my native language

Um, well, first of all Like The way that you wrote all of this and just sitting there you didn't say one good fucking thing that men do And now even trashing men to the level that you do you're still playing the victim here And I have to sit here and do some tap dance If you to try to figure out why your fucking life is actually also great because of men go fuck yourself It's not my job To not make you with sex as cunt

All right I get it you hate men What am what am I gonna do? Evidently, you don't like central air conditioning Hate all modes of transportation modern medicine Fucking some of the greatest music ever produced. I mean we we we have done some good things out there Jesus christ a couple of flashes and a few thousand fucking wars and all of a sudden all your good deeds are just gone I don't know what to tell you all I can tell you is I feel bad for your daughter and I feel really bad for your husband

That you basically don't like men I gotta be honest you as much as I trash women I realize that most of my shit is fear-based Because I grew up with a bunch of men that feared women And And then I also got into this business where most of us get divorced And I watched So much shit go down

That is really fucked up and it's just everybody just looks the other way But having said that the older I get The more I realize How wrong I was about women All right, having said that now I'm not walking down the street not having my guard up either You know I have a big believer is you should let if you're a nice person if you're a good person You have to let people earn the fact that you're a nice person. You just don't give that away Because um when you're a really nice person who's open-minded you become a psycho magnet

And some of the worst people ever are gonna really going to come into your life because they need someone as nice and as forgiving Because everybody else is not going to put up with that bullshit But a lot of shit that I've said about women has been a hundred percent in the wrong And I understand that so I don't know you kind of sound like where you where I was at about 10 years ago With the opposite sex and you're also kind of making yourself out to be a hero I don't know I don't know when I see guys on stage

Trashing men like that. I always just think they're just trying to get laid You know what I mean This whole fucking thing that oh man down there is man down there. Yeah, they have we also done a lot of great things too We also have done a lot of great fucking things too. Okay, and at the end of the day to always be talking about women as victims And in these victim positions is not empowering to women All right To just sit around and just say all of my problems are because of a male dominated society

Like where is that going to get and then your solution is to just bitch about man and then hashtag white male trash Um As white male trash here, I can tell you we're not having any meetings concerned about any of that shit um You're just fucking Talking to other women that believe the same way you do. Okay In life, if you want to get out of your situation, you have to fucking take control of it

All right, if you don't like working for men Start your own thing All right, I don't like working for other people That's why I do this and this is why I do stand up and we'll continue to do that So you always have to have that ability To be like, well, that's the deal you're offering me. Yeah, I don't want it. Go fuck yourself and you walk away So, um What would you do for your daughter I would first of all I would not give her probably 90 percent of your

Negative opinions on men because she'll become a man hater But it's your kid if that's what you want and I would um I don't know if I was running shit. I would secretly teach every woman out there, uh mix martial arts And um And then that is really fucking martial arts shit We disarm people that have weapons, you know the thing where they got a gun in your face and you do that little Move and all of a sudden you're holding the gun pointing at them um

Yeah, I that type of shit I would also tell Your daughter to never go back to a hotel room with a guy ever ever Ever guys do not want to talk to you if guys want to talk they go hang out with the fellas Okay, they're trying to fuck you. That's it And we hey, let's go back to hotel room just talk. That's just part of him trying to get you back there Um

I don't know. I feel bad for your husband That's all I can tell you because I just inserted myself into that things. It's like, oh my god You know, you didn't say one positive thing about men and you just wrote a giant fucking there wasn't one positive thing in there and uh And the worst thing about where we're at right now is human beings as you would be complimented on that and you would be called strong And that's the direction that we're headed in um You know, and you know what I don't dictate it so I don't know. I guess mixed martial arts and I teach her how to run a business

And along the way, you know, if you don't know how to do that, I would learn that too so you don't have to work for men Uh for the record men treat other men like shit, too By the way, and that whole feminist fucking idea that uh, if a guy's a dick that he gets respect like, uh Is the stupidest thing ever no one likes a dick. No one wants to work for a dick and everybody secretly hopes the guy crashes on the fucking way home Hey, you know what? I loved about my boss. He treated me like shit and I don't know why I just really respected him Nobody likes being treated like shit

That is something a woman made up because it fit that fucking argument and everybody ran with it Yeah, if you're acting like an asshole, uh, you're an asshole. All right, Joe Rogan is gonna get you killed The fuck is this? All right, um Bill Burr on the podcast 11 16 17 you said I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I can eat this much meat Oh god, here we go. Here's another fucking nutritionist with no fucking background whatsoever Is Not gonna tell me everything that I watch is now bullshit, right? Is that what this is going? Okay, because you can't

Bill I know you love I I know you love your buddy Joe Rogan. However, your buddy the self-proclaimed conspiracy theorist. So am I Is dead wrong about nutrition? All that meat and animal saturated facts will line your arteries with disease laden plaque Do not eat this stuff in abundance minimize it forget the notion of moderation too. That's all horseshit This is this right here this i'm telling they're like religious nuts All of it is horseshit explain the french then And they're rich diet and they're lack of fucking heart disease over there

Listen, there's elements of truth in everything and the second you're gonna sit there and tell me that your diet is the diet It's all horseshit the bulk of your cat calories should be from beans peas And legumes vegetables fruits nuts and seeds and whole grains Crush waters and eat your salads as per usual of course, but add walnuts pumpkin seeds blueberries mushrooms potatoes Sweet potatoes and greens to your daily routine as well as countless other whole foods of your choice Minimalize all oils Process foods who doesn't know about process foods meets dairy and eggs

I don't care where the fuck they come from like rogans elk from the mountains of gods Or wherever the fuck he hunts um Go to nutrition facts.org now. Did you vet nutrition facts.org? Do you know where this came from? For all published nutritional science in all the esteemed peer review world worldwide world Reviewed worldwide medical journals and science papers. Yeah, buddy. They have blood money behind them Okay, I'm not saying it's all bullshit, but there is an element of bullshit in there the food industry Fucking lines those people's pockets

He said forget the nonsense from the media advertising in these pseudoscience pushing fruit cakes like rogan I know he mean well. He means well, but he's wrong Look at the works of dr. Joel Furman dr. Michael greger dr. John mcdougal dr. Dean ornish dr. Cardwell I can't read this guy's name Eliston and others just looking out for your buddy. Hey Tell you what thanks for looking out for me. I'm gonna do what the fuck I've been doing anyways because I have low blood blood pressure

You know I'm doing fine and I'm keeping the weight off. All right. I'm not going to just sit there eating two handfuls of fucking bacon All right But uh, you know, and I'm also not going to just eat a plant-based diet. I'm not doing that I'm going to continue to do what the fuck I'm doing because it's working for me And with all due respect, sir and no point there. Did you say you were any sort of nutritionist? You just read a bunch of shit that made sense to you All right, and then you also went to

like You went to like the the the mainstream fucking thing and that mainstream thing has a bunch of money behind it Okay from people in the food fucking industry that want to sell the food that they grow so that place is Also naturally perverted or corrupt. I'm not saying it's all bullshit, but there is an element of bullshit. Would you not agree? in that There's elements of bullshit in every fucking thing including this goddamn podcast. So don't listen to me either All right. Here's the last one here accidentally killed

girlfriend's cat Don't know what to do Uh, billy showed that's something I never found funny that word showed There's like a certain portion of like part of the country that thinks that that's a funny fucking word Um, which I believe is like a short fat dick Uh got myself into a little bit of a moral dilemma I'd appreciate some advice my girlfriend of seven months Seven months has an outdoor cat who was really smart and could always find her way back home

Anyways, you can probably see where this is going where I can see where it's going in the title He said you accidentally killed your girlfriend's cat I'm driving to a place less than a block away not really watching the road And I hit the fucking thing died on impact practically in two pieces Hey, we that's all we can all pray for huh a quick death. I hit the fucking thing. All right, uh, but my Girl had this cat for some four years and has a serious emotional attachment I'm not trying to be the asshole who killed her cat. So I had a couple of sturdy plastic bags in my car Uh, a towel and a water bottle

Sounds like it just came from the gym and in a 7-eleven and without getting into the gritty details within 10 minutes Looked like nothing ever happened. I chucked it into a dumpster a few blocks away Oh God get get a car wash to be extra cautious and drive back to her place So, uh It's been two weeks and I haven't told her she's freaking Posted at least 30 missing cat photos all around the neighborhood and anywhere even remotely nearby Fucking crying and all of that shit. It's messing with my conscious and our sex life. There's there you go

There you go. You selfish bastard I feel like if she knows it's a dead zoo. She'll be able to move on but also With me covering it up for so long I'd be in a good bit of trouble so to say the least help me out here on what I should do Um, yeah, dude, uh The the ss coming clean that ship sailed That ship sailed right after you cleaned up the crime scene and threw it in a fucking dumpster Here's what you do. You don't say a fucking word

You don't say a fucking word It's over dude It's over. There's no you let her cry for two fucking weeks and you knew that it's over Um, and then also you have to you got to ask yourself am I going to marry this person? All right, here's the deal if you're going to marry this person don't ever fucking tell her All right If you don't want to marry this person you got to do a two you got to do a two for one here All right

You have to break up with her and then also tell her that you killed her cat, but not in that order You tell her that you killed her cat All right, and then hopefully she'll break up with you Oh, wait, do you open with killing her cat? I'll do this this no, I don't know if this is around the holidays. I think you got to do it Look if you want to stay with her if you love her Are you going to marry this woman if you're going to marry this woman? Don't tell her you killed a cat if you're not going to marry a woman that you know

I don't know I know there's a lot of people also horrified by this fucking story, but like I mean the cat was dead What were you supposed to do here? Hey, I mean he should have told it, but I mean as far as like throwing the thing in the dumpster I mean if I die and somebody throws me a dumpster, I don't give a shit My biggest concern is how bad I'm going to smell up that parking lot Other than that I'm dead

Don't need some fancy fucking box You know I don't understand that when people die and they put them in these these beautiful fucking caskets It's like it's a piece of fruit that went bad You know and you're putting it on display throw in the fucking trash All right, that's disgusting. Okay, that's the end of the podcast here Um happy Thanksgiving everybody do your cardio eat your salads Um go nuts on Thanksgiving, but hit it again right on Friday. All right get after it

um I wish I could actually meet that woman from spain and we could sit down and I talk about all my fucking women hating shit And she could talk about our guy hating shit. Maybe we could fucking find the middle ground Um before we both fuck up our daughters Um, no, I would never say anything negative about women to my daughter I would all right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. Happy turkey day, and I'll check in on you On Thanksgiving. Look at that. Not even taking a day off. All right. I'll see You

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