Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-20-23

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

Bill rambles about addictive cellphone game addiction, Las Vegas capitalism, and old school food places. Policy Genius:  Head to policygenius.com/BILLBURR  to see how much you could save. ZipRecruiter: Try ZipRecruiter for free at www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR

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For Monday, November 20, 2023, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 20th, 2000, 23. What's going on? How are you? How's it going in your world? Is it going good? I hope so. I hope so. I'm fucking burnt out. I'm wiped out. I am Any other out that you want to buy. I am just, my tour is done. I'm back from Las Vegas. I think I've done all of my business that I have to fucking do.

And I think I'm off this week and I'm going to try, I'm going to try to do something that I don't know how to do is basically sit around and fucking do nothing. You know, that's what the fuck I wanted to do. I gotta get smart again. That's what a dumbest thing I've ever said. You know my problem is, I'm not smart. I gotta get smart again.

No, I kinda just was working out, I was doing fine, and then I got a little sick. And, you know, stop working out, stop stretching, stop practicing my French, got fucking addicted to my phone again. I mean I think even when I have my phone under control it's fucking insane how much I'm looking at my phone. Just looking at it constantly, looking at it. I was on a plane today and I was like this is it. This is the last stupid game on your phone that you're gonna look at. And I just kept going.

I play this stupid fucking, you know, word search game. And I'm like obsessed. Like I have to do it every single day. They have the daily one, you know, to get you hooked on it. And I don't wanna miss it. Cause if you miss one, then you don't get the bonus points for doing it 10 days in a row.

And then 20 days in a row, then the whole fucking thing is designed to fucking have you addicted to it. I was doing, oh man, a few months ago. Yeah, I believe what I was doing. I was reading books. You know, I was practicing French. I was practicing French.

I was fucking laying off bread. I was fucking killing it. I don't know what happened. Fucking, I don't know. I just, I just, I know, like just like, I'm just another guy standing in line that just put his name in Sunday morning at Denny's. Hey you want to go to Denys? Like everybody else is going to do after church and just fucking stand outside. Next to everybody else staring at their fucking phones, it's like, what

am I doing? I only have so much time on this earth. I'm going to sit here and play these stupid cell phone fucking games. I'm sorry guys, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to sit here and play these stupid cell phone fucking game. I'm sorry guys, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to a bizarre place right now. I'm also fucking upset because I fucking bet the Seattle Seahawks and they had the God Dame game one, I thought. And then they lost it. And then they came down and they could have won it. They missed a feel goal. How fucking funny is that?

Like, you know, gambling on sports. It's literally like my team isn't even playing this week. I should just have the week off and just enjoy the games. But instead I get upset because two NFC fucking West teams like I give a fuck about that division. I don't give a fuck about the NFC West until my team goes to the Super Bowl and if there's a fucking guy, a team from that. Have we ever played anybody from the West? Well, we've played the Rams and we've played the Seahawks. Beat them both. Yes, we did in happier days.

Anyways, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. You know? I mean, that's how it works. You know what I do love about sports gambling. I love those guys, that those professionals it works. You know what I do love about sports gambling. I love those guys that those professionals, you know, these professional guys. And it's like, you know, you fucking hire me and I'll give you winners.

It's like, well, why don't you give them to yourself? If you can pick winners, what the fucking you doing wasting your time trying to help me out floor? What do you mother Teresa of degenerate gamblers? And you always look at them and they don't look like they got a lot of money. They look like they need money. Gamble's always got that fucking shiny bracelet or that watch or that chain. They got that one thing that they, you know, for that week that they won and then other

than that, they fucking look like they're hanging out, hanging out under the fucking bleachers. But anyways, that's why I gamble responsibly. I'll tell you if I was fucking responsible, I wouldn't even watch the shit with two kids at home. Dude, I had to take a fucking walk. When that motherfucker, I don't even know his name, Mr. 55-yard field goal. I'm calling him a motherfucker because he missed a 55 yard field goal.

Like that's some sort of chip shot. I'm having a tough season. I can't remember the last time, one of those backdoor cover, a fucking drop pass, a missed field goal. Any of that shit has gone my way. It's unreal, but it does make sense, right? It does make sense.

I mean, I'm going up against fucking math leech's computers and fucking AI scenarios. Whatever. Having said that, I had a great fucking time in Las Vegas. I want to thank everybody that came out I played this beautiful theater out there and Rapped up the bill burl live tour You know, you know, it's funny every time you have a tour they want you come up with a new fucking name It's just like dude. There's just there's no names left

Like one of my supposed to call it? Bill Burr, Serendipity, the Serendipity, Serendipitous, the gesticulation tour. Like all, all, like it's like trying to name a stand-up special. Like what, there's been so many of them. What, what is left? That's a good name. What is left? And we'll take a picture of you and you shrugging your shoulders. That's going to be the name of my next special, right? That's how I thought it was going to work. All right, and I'll just be shrugging my shoulders like, what are you going to do? The The fuck are you gonna do? I do want to talk a little bit of shit though

the um I went to that Formula one race last night in Las Vegas. It was fucking amazing It was amazing and you know there's a lot of F1 fans were going oh my god, what a boring track and all of that. So I was getting like all self-conscious like ah, you know, there's a lot of F1 fans who are going, oh my God, what a boring track and all of that. So I was getting all self-conscious like, ah, you know, Americans, what did we do wrong this time? What's the problem?

This is not enough turns, not enough chicanes for your purest heart. Well, you know why that is Europe? Because we have land over here. All right, your countries are the size of states over here. We actually have fucking land. We don't have to like pave over some cow path. All right, that Henry VIII walked down

when he was telling everybody to go fuck themselves because he was eating all the turkey legs. So whatever the fuck those idiots did. Yeah, you could go from basically the stratosphere all the way up to the MGM going over fucking 200 miles an hour. I was sitting on that straightaway and they were passing each other. They were making moves down that fucking straightaway over 200 miles an hour. How many overtakes were there?

I mean, you're really going to sit there. I get you don't like America. I get that you think were fucking stupid, but you're really gonna sit there. I get you don't like America. I get that you think, but fucking stupid. But you're gonna sit there and tell me that race wasn't entertaining. I fucking loved that race. And I loved how American it was. Minimal amount of turns, foot to the fucking floor,

bunch of passing. It was over fast. Fucking race was only like an hour and 45, hour and 50 minutes. And then in the end, there was a ridiculous display of fireworks. Like, like that fireworks, it could have ended a minute earlier and it kept going. Just total excess, you know, just all about the highlights. It was very American.

So I felt that it was authentic. And I actually think that it helps the sport because all of the purists that love all those legendary tracks around the world can now feel more pure because they can compare it to Vegas where we have like storm drains popping up and fucking destroying cars. You know?

I mean, I think it all worked out. Dude, I had no idea Max Verstappen, who I was calling Sebastian Vettel. That's how fucking long it's been since I watched Formula One. I just got so fucking bored with Lewis Hamilton winning every single fucking week. It was stupid. Not stupid, but I mean, I respect the guy and all of that. that so fucking bored with Lewis Hamilton winning every single fucking week. It was stupid. Not stupid, I mean, I respect the guy and all of that, but it was just like, why am I watching this?

It would be 72 laps, 58 laps of Lewis Hamilton in first place. What's, you know, it would get to the point sometimes, he would have such a lead. They wouldn't show him for like 20 minutes. They'd be showing the battle for second and a third place Because that was the only place where there was action And now what is it fucking Max for steps and there's one 18 out of 20 races. It's a very dominant time

They got to bring back that fucking kid In 2015 that was the best year of racing that I saw. That was like days of thunder, meets fucking Formula One. What the fuck was his name? I can't remember. It was Louis Hamilton's teammate, and they was smashing into each other.

It's a good time. So anyway, we went there. I want to thank everybody at Formula One. We had such a great time. Those cars were so goddamn fast and we were so close. It was literally shaking the stands that we were on, the makeshift stands. And I don't know what all the fucking complaining was about. Everybody was fucking bitch, monitoring and complaining. It was like, look, it's the first year. They're gonna make some mistakes, you know, but I think overall that was one of the most

exciting races. I mean, that's the third one I've been to. I've been to Austin, Munch, and Montreal. And that was head and shoulders as far as excitement went, head and shoulders above the other two. And the other two were fun, but this one was just insane. I mean, like, oh, is it Sergio Perez, Max for Stappin, and the fucking Ferrari driver with the fuck's name, LeClerc or whatever. They all were in first place at some point during the race, passing each other and whatnot. It was amazing.

So love it or hate it. That's what the track looks like. I mean, come on. You didn't think going by this sphere was amazing. You saw in the end when this sphere turned into a soccer ball, little tip of the cap to the rest of the fucking world. You know? Like, there you go.

There's the ball, you all love. I did see yet another fucking video on some English guy talking about American football. I don't understand why they have such a problem with it. You know what I mean? It's like you don't have to watch it. You don't have to watch. The sport is doing fine. Is it because they have those stupid games over there?

I don't understand when is the NFL? I think they know it's never gonna be that popular over in Europe, but it's a way for them to have four games because doesn't the European game come on like super early on the East Coast? I can't fucking remember. I have no idea. All I do know is that my son likes Kojak and I can watch that with them, so that's cool.

So anyway, we spent the time down at the Bull, I stayed at the Bellagio, man, which I really liked. I felt like I was age appropriate in that casino. I don't like being in those casinos where I feel like it's a young person casino, cause then everything's gonna be super loud and it's gonna be nothing I can relate to. And then everybody's gonna be looking at me like,

is that guy a cop? Is he a chaperone? Are you my Uber driver? You know? It's just like, no. No son, I'm just too old to be in this casino. Oh, here's another thing. I wanna have this be a segment of signs

that capitalism is nearing the end. I don't, nearing the end towards, I don't know what, going back to the Industrial Revolution or a revolution by regular people, which won't happen. Regular people will never be able to get on the same page as long as fucking ignorant, broke white people still feel like they're more special than other races of people. You're not more special. You're the same.

But it's all get on the same page. There's literally 350 sociopaths running the deal. There's way more of us than there are of them. And they keep us pitted against each other. All right. I'm preaching unity here, people. My buddy, you know, I met some of my high school buddies who were out there in Vegas

and one of them came from, I don't know what casino, but he goes, I just want to go play Blackjacket, whatever casino. And at that casino, if the dealer hit 22, it was a push. Can you fucking believe that? Like they're applying the shit that they've always applied every quarter we have to make more money they've already exhausted Exhausted like how much they can fuck you

With bottled water and all of that Like back in the day when the mob ran it You know all they took was the gambling. They gave away everything else. Everything else was cheap. I'm telling you, the end of these fucking corporations, I got well, maybe not. I guess, you know what the really what's smart about corporations is you don't know anybody's fucking names. And the smart mobsters were like that. You never knew their names, their whole life. And they died of old age and they kept their money.

They went legit, all of that shit. It was the dumb dumbs that were in the news, wearing the flashy suits, and doing all of that shit. So, I don't know, anyway. They just apply the things, it's just like, aren't you making enough money off of people playing Blackjack that you have to add that extra thing?

And this is another thing too about gamblers. Like, you should just like collectively be like, we're not playing Blackjack if 22 is a push. You hit 22, you fucking lose. I got it, I wish I was good at math. Does anybody out there know the algorithm or whatever fucking is? The theorem to figure out how much money

that's gonna save them or how much more that fucks you as the person playing. You know, I mean, think about that. Just that one number. It doesn't seem like a big deal. You know what pisses me off? Is it such a blatant fuckover? And such a greedy fucking move by the casino. But after a while, you know, people my age, whatever, we're going to get old and die. And then like all those other younger generations just gonna grow up where 22 is a push. It's like no dude, you just fucking lost.

You went over. And it only works for the dealer. If I hit 22, I fucking lose. So you just bought yourself another fucking number. Oh people, you know, you wanna upgrade to fries. If the dealer hits 22, it's a push. What was the other one I had? I'm making the list here.

These little fuckovers. So they can try to carve out another fucking five bucks off of everybody. Oh, that bullshit, where the tipping is included? The tipping's, the tips included. The tips included. No, no, I'm gonna tip in cash. I'm tipping in cash and I'm giving it to the fucking waiter.

I asked this waitress there, I go, do you know when they say the tips there, do you get it? See how we get some of it? I go, where is the rest of it going? They go, you know, when they say the tips there, do you get it? So, we get some of it. I go, where is the rest of it going? They go, to pay the front desk person, the fuck outta here. Pay the front desk person and to pay the guy

that owns this fucking business. Oh, oh, Billy's in a mood. Billy, he's in a mood. I did have a good time though when I was out there in Vegas, you know? There was a couple of ice cream stores You know one of my favorite things ever is to see a grown man eating a fucking ice cream It's one of the funniest things ever. I don't know why it's so goddamn funny to me

Because it's just to me like getting in I get if it's in a dish It's not as bad, but when it's in a cone. I just look at the person like why didn't they just tie a balloon to your wrist? You know? And plus, I feel like ice cream is like, that's like a very effeminate thing to do. That's like a chick thing. Like who goes out and gets ice cream as a fucking man? You know?

And by the way, I love ice cream, okay? So I'm not saying that I'm a man here. That's what it, you know what it saying that I'm a man here. That's what it is. I am, I'm, I have shame. If I ate ice cream in public, in a cone, I would have shame. Because it's just one of those things, you know, this was fucking, you know, I just stand on a street corner like a red light, like eating a donut. I, you know, just see people just doing corner, like a red light, like eating a donut. You know what I'm just seeing people just doing it?

Or like, I love like, you know the coffee house fatties? Those people that come out with their fucking frappuccino and like a muffin or a bagel. And you look at them, they're just, they're ballooning up. And you just like, you know, I gotta get it to start my day, it's like, you're gonna go with caffeine, sugar, and all of those fucking carbs. It's like, you're going to be, you're going to fucking face plant by 1030 at work.

This is coming from someone who doesn't know how to fucking eat. I mean, I guess I kind of know how to eat, but like these these fucking assholes that learn how to eat. This is my question for you. How do you learn how to eat? Where is the right information? The food lobby is so strong and they have so much fucking misinformation out there and everybody's fucking like fighting for whatever crop it is that they're selling is the latest thing that's going to help you fucking lose weight.

I don't know. Yeah, the ice cream, the donut, gummies, gummy bears. I don't know. I got a lay off cigars. If Snoop Dogg can fucking lay off weed, Jesus Christ. I think I can do that. Can I? Just once. Can you go to bed without smoking a fucking cigar? Thinking about that feel, gold kicker. A while they went into the prevent defense. Is that ever going to work out for me? Can someone just drop a pass that makes me then cover?

Can I, can I win a backdoor cover? Can somebody miss a feel goal and then I win the bet? Can that fucking happen this year? All right. Well, I have nothing to do now. I'm done. Old dads came out. It's on Netflix. It's done great. I went, oh, I didn't tell you. I tell you I went to the premiere of my came back, landed, took an early flight out. There's a new show, a new movie on Netflix, new Adam Sandler movie. On Netflix called Leo.

And Star's Adam Sandler and a bunch of super talented people. I have a small role in it and I went to the premiere and stuck around and watched the movie and it's fucking fantastic. It's one of my favorite things. Adam is done. It's going to be a great movie to watch with you know, your whole family, the kids and all of that. But there's a lot of jokes in there for adults too.

So, and I got to do a voice in it. I got to be in the booth a couple times with Adam. And, you know, he lived up to all of the hype. He really is the greatest fucking guy you'd ever wanna meet. So check that out if you get a chance. So, what am I gonna do? Does anybody have, does somebody have the book, man?

On fucking, how to eat right? I've had to do this podcast like 15 times because I was so fucking mad about that Seattle game that I can't even remember if I talked about those fucking guys who after they've lost enough times gambling, they then fucking start telling you that they're gonna pick you winners. I probably already talked about it.

I just can't get over the fact that people go to people like that. It's like, dude, if you could pick winners, you wouldn't be talking to me. I'm a fucking loser. Right? Like, what are you doing here? And why are you still dressed like that? Why are you going on all these podcasts talking about science? Why aren't you out-sizing? You know, why are you on TV

fucking given people fucking five minutes of therapy before you go to a commercial break? I just don't understand any of those fucking shows. But also, while I sit there and I laugh at that shit, I will sit there and stare at my goddamn phone and play these stupid games that I know are just tracking information or doing some sort of facial recognition to me. Yeah. I think what I'm really trying to say in this 23 minutes

is that I need three days of doing absolutely nothing and I need to shut my fucking brain down. I need to get away from the TV. I need to shut my fucking brain down. I need to get away from the TV. I need to stop watching sports. I gotta let this cell phone game go. I gotta let it go. I mean, I am on a fucking streak with this thing. I have not missed a day.

I've done it a couple times accidentally, but you can make it up and it costs you 25 points. And then I immediately have to do things in the game to get the 25 points back. And I've earned over 22,000 fucking free B points. I played the game so much, sometimes the end of my fingers hurt from the friction of me swiping it on the screen.

Entire flights across the country playing the stupid fucking goddamn game, right? I need to stop doing that. I got to get back into meditating. I got to get back into my French. I got a fucking chill out. I got to chill out. So somebody was telling me, you know, I went into that UFC thing,

Dana White looked like a fucking million bucks. I think he's, I think he's a little bit younger than me, but we're almost the same age, right? He looked fucking great. And someone's telling me he did this fast, right? A fucking, you know, I don't know what, a three day thing. There's no way in three days he looked at fucking good. I think it, it resenim maybe.

I don't know what. It was like, oh, water this day, bone broth the next two days. Although that sounds like like what's how what's her face eats. Isn't actress that eats like that and she doesn't look good. I don't know. Who the fuck knows. Anyway, I'm just going to get through the podcast here people. This is what I'm doing. I'm doing this Sunday night. I'm getting through this fucking thing so I can sit down and watch fucking Kojak and fall asleep. That's what I want to do. Give my voice a rest. And I don't know what else. Fucking get my shit together. Anyways, congratulations to Max for Staps and for Staps and congratulations to F1 and all of that shit. That was a, what a, it was fucking amazing event. It really was amazing.

You know what was cool? So I saw these two guys, they both had like a full head of white hair watching the fucking race. And I just was convinced that they were Italian because they were rooting for the fucking Ferrari. So I asked them at the end of the race, I said, hey, where are you guys from? And one of them said I'm from Thailand, and the other guy said he was from Australia. And I said, did you enjoy the race? And I said, yeah, it was fucking amazing.

And I said, good, because I was getting self-conscious. Everyone around the world said this track was boring or whatever. I thought it was pretty exciting. They said, this is one of the best races of the year. So it made me feel good. Because you know, they're always shitting on us over there. You know, that old content that fucking car show.

He's always calling American stupid and all that. Which is so fucking funny to me. Like does this deep intellect in England? Like when I go over there, I'm like, wow. God damn, we're these people smart. I've never thought that. I never thought they was stupid, but I was just walking around. I was like, they these people smart. I've never thought that. I never thought they was stupid, but I was just walking around.

I was like, they speak in English. It sounds different than our English, but other than that, cuisine's a little different. By the way, England, what exactly did you do with all of the spices that you took from India? You certainly didn't put them in your food.

Did the royal family only get it? Air gun, everyone. All right, Bill, me thinks air rifle or pistol that shoots plastic pellets is the same as having a gun around the house. Oh, I think he said my wife thinks an air rifle. I don't know what an air rifle is, or a pistol that shoots plastic pellets is the same as having a gun around the house. I asked her what the injury or death stats were and she said she didn't know. I said until you show me something, I'm sticking to my plan. I'd like to have some type of deterrent since there are break ins happening all around my neighborhood while people are home.

Thoughts? Uh, 100 percent, I think you're in the right. You know, and I actually think it's like irresponsible to, you know, with, with, with how much corporations are taking versus what they're paying in taxes, which is what is fucking hilarious about the super rich, is they always try to get broke people, you know, middle class people upset with poor people, like they're the reason the system, they're the ones milking the system and these guys are like fucking declaring bankruptcy and not playing taxes and moving their companies outside The fucking country and all of that shit just totally working the system

You know causing people to have to be desperate You know, I mean look there's some people are just born and they're just fucking pieces of shit. I'm not saying that, but there's a lot of people like, you know, after a while, you got to do something, right? Like all these fucking people that have jobs, you know, they look at people, oh my God, this person's a piece of shit because they date stole from this person.

That it's like, you know, you were three days without food and water from eating your neighbor. Don't ever forget that. Okay, it's very easy if you have a fucking job and food in the fridge to not go around sticking a gun in somebody's fucking face. Ha, ha, ha. Anyways, I think your wife needs some stats

and I also think that her idea is gonna change when somebody comes through the door. She's gonna be fucking happy that you have something. It's like people that don't believe in God or even have issues with them like me, when I feel like a plane's going to crash, I still say a prayer. I mean, I don't think it works.

I still do it. I mean, I don't know if it's muscle memory, but it's not because I believe it, you know, when I see all these horrible things, I mean, you're telling me all of these people in the Gaza Strip on both sides aren't saying prayers every day and they still get killed or their loved ones die. I just don't see prayers getting answered. But when you know you're thinking you're going to die, you're desperate. You call up the fucking Hail Mary.

Hey, God, you got one in you. Can you fucking help me out here through it? You fucking give a shit. That's how I pray. Um, anyway, uh, no, I think, I think that you should be able to defend yourself as somebody comes through the front door, especially as the man in the house. I mean, other than that, the fuck you're doing. I mean, she can give you a kid.

What are you going to do? You know what you're going to do? You're going gonna take out your air rifle and your pellet gun, you know? And maybe a fucking Chinese star or a fucking some nunchucks? You gotta do something. You can't just fucking sit there. Handing over a lazy Susan, right?

All right, restaurant, RIP. You know, I just realized I went right into the questions without even reading any fucking advertising. What the fuck am I doing here? Is it because I put them in the wrong order? Yeah, I put them in the wrong order. All right. Guys, if you haven't figured out yet, I'm fucking fried.

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I just love how that copies right, this is the smartest way to hire, you know? I just wish you guys could see me. I always have my eyebrows up and I nod when I read that line. All right, Restaurant RIP. Bill, what's the one restaurant that no longer exists or doesn't exist in the same way due to lack of quality or change of menu that you wish you could visit again. I have to say old school pizza hut where it felt like a classy joint or Wendy's when it had the salad in the taco bar. I miss Wendy's when the table tops were like old newspaper. It was still the same material like Famica, but it was the surface

when you looked at it was these old newspaper front pages from the past. And they were big enough where you could sort of like read them. They were like famous ones and sort of random things. I liked old school pizza hut, but I always hated those red bathroom glasses that they put the soda in. All right, if I could go back, yeah, I must say when McDonald's had the blue uniforms and Burger King had those fucking crazy brown orange and yellow uniforms, you know,

with the Rudy from Fat Albert hat that went along with it. And I always said when McDonald's was just trying to kill you, you know, I liked their menu better. Like I haven't been there in years. And recently when I was out and about my lovely wife had a craving for it. So I went through the drive-through. I hadn't been there in forever and I looked at the menu.

I didn't even recognize it. I mean, it looks like real burgers now. It's like, this isn't what you guys do. No, there was something else. You guys, you got me on a spot here, because this is a great fucking question, and I'm just drawing a blank. I know there was something,

oh, I know what it is. There was these ice cream sandwiches that I was eating during the pandemic and I put on 20 pounds like a fucking fat-titted asshole. And somewhere during the pandemic, all of a sudden, they just made them slightly smaller. You know? And I was looking at Nia going like, am I nuts? These are a little smaller.

She's like, they are. Just ever so slightly small. Another corporate cut move. What if we charged the same amount of money or maybe raised the price slightly and then made it slightly smaller? Would they notice? And if they do notice, just say that we were trying to be responsible, you know, because we're worried about the obesity epidemic. They would go like in that direction. What do I miss? You know what I miss? Friendlies.

Friendlies used to have a fucking cheeseburger that it wasn't on like a bulky roll. It was almost like a melt and it was, uh, yeah, I was like their version of a cheeseburger melt and I've never, and I've ordered those other places. They're always too big and greasy and they make me sick to my stomach. Or maybe I'm just old down and I can't eat like that. But when I was a kid, they had like those fucking, all right of French fries and they had that patty melt. Oh my God. It's fucking delicious.

You know what else I miss? Bob's big boy. When you go out to the Midwest and they have those chocolate moths, those burgers, I miss that place. I miss Kentucky fried chicken. Being Kentucky fried chicken instead of being all ashamed of themselves. You know what I mean? You think with the LGBTQT,

all of those fucking letters and everybody being like, I'm not gonna be ashamed of who I am and you're gonna deal with me. You think that it could be LGBTQ KFC, right? You think that KFC is like trying to be like progressive and it's like, no, you need to go the other way. You should not be in abbreviation. You should be Kentucky fried chicken. You know, I was so fucking burned out. I thought that joke was going to make sense.

But then I realized KFC was them hiding, not coming out. I thought that joke was going to make sense. But then I realized KFC was them hiding, not coming out. They'd be fucking hilarious if you bought Kentucky Fried Chicken. You bought KFC and then you fucking repurpose that song. I'm coming out and it was a big coming out party that you were going to come back and actually say Kentucky fried chicken. We're no longer ashamed. You know, I look at how they just changed it to KFC, but they're still making fried chicken. Everybody knows it's bad for you, but it's fucking delicious, right?

I think that's all I got off the top of my head. Oh, I missed sun-kissed orange soda when it first came out when it was cane sugar. Instead of that fake ass fucking sugar that causes cancer. You know, that's something I'm waiting for a politician like that's a great line for a politician. It's like, you know this country's messed up when the country of Mexico makes better Coke than we do. Coca-Cola, that is. You know? Like, that's the big thing out here.

I don't know if they have that back east. I've been out here for so long, but people like, you know, if they ask you want to Coke, do they got Mexican Coke in there? You're like, oh my God, they got the good stuff. And it basically tasted the way it used to taste when I was a fucking kid. You know, because that's my thing,

it's like if you kind of kill me and rot my insides, can I at least get real sugar? Is that asking too much? Like how big does your fucking pool and yacht have to be? All right, I'm just a broken record here. I'm just a man. no what happened what happened here is it still recording do you believe in this podcast yes I do okay cool the old me would have completely flipped out there it's opposed to the new beaten down me that doesn't give a fuck. All right, restaurant, RIP.

Oh, I already read that. Castle. Sir Willum of Burr, would you ever live in a castle? No, it just seems like it'd be freezing cold. Do you mean like a whole fucking tall made out of stone? I got those stupid throw rugs like in the middle of a giant room. There's a couple of lonely chairs in the corner. I know you're probably too humble to do something like that.

It has nothing to do with being humble. I just, do they even have windows? I'm gonna get that guy with the fucking bone arrows to protect me. Um, I'm probably too humble to do something like that, but if you're going to live in the middle of nowhere, wouldn't it be nice to have the protection of some walls? Oh, I thought you meant like an old school. Oh, you're talking about, I mean, they used to build the wall around their village. Isn't that fucking nuts? Like the advancement in weaponry now is that we build

walls to keep people out of the country. And back then it was, it was just like a village. And then people would just come in and they'd see you. And that whole idea was like, let's go over there and just rape and kill everybody there and take all their stuff. I mean, we really are fucking animals. I don't know, maybe this corporate fucking capitalism shit is a good, I don't fucking know.

It would be nice to have the check to some walls. You know what would be nice? You know what be nice would be to have a God that makes decent human beings that sit down and talk out their fucking problems instead of killing each other. Wouldn't that be nice? I still don't understand how war is legal, you know? It's like follow these 10 commandments in your everyday life, and then, but when there's war, we can throw this all out the fucking window. Why?

Why? Because you want some natural resources, you greedy cunts. Need some advice. Hello, low-billy Bunsen. Berna. I think this is the last question. As you can tell from my brain and my voice,

I'm gonna have to go a little short this week. I apologize. I'm a little short this week. That's what she said. Come on, people. Back me up. I had a question about starting to perform live since I played the guitar. Oh, that's fantastic. I've been playing for about eight years now and have always wanted

to play on stage, but always got too nervous to say yes when the opportunity came. Oh, yeah, and then you fucking hate yourself afterward, right? I'm now 21 and think if I started to play some of the bars in my town, my success in the lady department would only improve. Of course it would, but you're also like, you gotta get over the stage fright first. Just make a fucking New Year's resolution in November. Next time somebody asks me to go on stage, I'm saying yes. And here's the thing, dude, I don't give a fuck how it goes.

You're gonna feel way better about yourself than if you say no again, all right? So do that for yourself. The person says I'm from the North Shore. So the music scene is already pretty good. Oh, they got a good music scene out there. That's fantastic. Always dreamed about doing a live show, especially watching classics like the Isle of Wright 1971, ACDC Paris 1979. Oh, yeah, that's killer. But I've never had the nuts to do it. Well, you're only 21. Get

up there and do it, man. Be fantastic. Anyway, seeing that you have tons of experience on stage, do you have any advice on getting over the nerves? My buddy who's a good shit is already in a band is offered to play weekends with his band, which could be a blast. Oh, he's already offered you.

I have any advice? Yes, I got a ton of advice on that. Call your buddy up and say you wanna play, this weekend or next weekend, right? Whatever. Either this weekend or next weekend, don't make it any longer than that. Cause I don't know if you got family shit this weekend with Thanksgiving. Go up there. I mean, it's easy. Just you can kind of know what songs

that you're going to be jamming to. So just fucking get those songs down. Go up and go do it. And here's the thing. Don't beat yourself up about how you play. All it is is about having the balls to go up there when the time comes. That's it. And then everything else, you know, everything else, it's just like, is out the fucking window. Of course, you fucked things up. It's the first time you did it. Every single guitar hero, drummer, comedian, actor, politician, every single one of them has made every single mistake in the book a million fucking times. A million fucking times because that's just how it is. And then you know what?

Those mistakes you learn from them and then you don't make them and then something else happens. And all those mistakes become as just stories that you share with fellow performers and just laugh about them. You know, I've been in the middle of killing and I accidentally unplugged the mic and then can't figure out how to plug it in. Then everybody's laughing at me. Then I lose my composure and lost the crowd. My face turned red with embarrassment and all of that shit.

You know, I plugged it back. Finally, somebody had to come up and stage, show me how to plug it in or something. I forget what it was. It was some weird thing or it wasn't just a simple plug it in. I think it just took me too long. By the time I plugged it back in, the crowd sort of turned on me, like laughing at me or something like that. And it was just like, and guess what? It wasn't fatal and it was funny. And I told it to other comedians and they laughed and it made me feel like a comedian

that I had a story going on stage and you know, getting humiliated and surviving it. So, all the rest of the times it went pretty good. And then all of a sudden I kind of started getting good at it and then shows some of them would be great or at least great for where I was at. And I've been doing it ever since but you couldn't have been more afraid of going up in front of people than I was and I got over it. So if I got over it, you can get over it and you can even tell you, buddy, I don't know how well you know this guy in the band just say like, yeah, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm fucking nervous about this,

but it's something I really want to do. So I'm telling you I'm coming down this weekend and next weekend, all right, and just hold me to it. And dude, you could literally go up and just play one fucking song. But I can tell you, once you get up there, you're not gonna wanna get off. So I would try to learn a couple, two, three songs. Just go up there, man, and fucking rock out, man. Yeah, I would say, I would say that's the deal.

You know, I went to the Ferrari fucking shop. I don't know where the fuck I was. One of those casinos when I was in Vegas. And I was thinking like, I'll get something for my son. I'll get him a little Ferrari cars. I fucking walk in there. I go, I go, are these for sale?

I see these little Ferrari cars in like these glass cases. The guy's like, he goes, yeah, he goes, they're $510. I'm like for the car. He goes, yeah. With his straight face. It's like, what is the fucking markup on that thing? 500%? There's no way it cost you more than...

What does it cost you four bucks to make that fucking thing? So fucking stupid. So fucking stupid. You know, I had an idea something I wanted to buy my wife and for Christmas, I had it. I was like, I'm going to get that and then it just fucking went out the fucking window. I've been with the forever. I don't even know what else to get her.

Like, what the... I've got you bracelet, I get necklace, I bought you a ring. I mean, what the... Where I'm out of fucking things that what am I supposed to do? I'm gonna buy you like that, that fucking earring to the nose. Thing like that. Pop star back in the day. I don't want to fall in love. I've got to figure out something together.

I don't know. Her, I always tell, you know what I always tell her? She goes, what do you want for Christmas? I always say nothing. And then she goes, come on, I got to get you something. And I just say, get me an experience. So I asked for either a barista class so I can finish off my cappuccinos with a little design, right?

So I can get attention from people like, ooh, where'd you learn how to do that? Just, you know, just been doing it. Yeah. Don't give anybody any credit. You know, just take all the credit for myself. Or, I, you know, I saw this racing video with this guy was bringing the car around the turn, you know, using mainly the throttle, sort of turning the steering wheel and just whipping the ass around.

I'm like, you know what? That'd be cool to learn how to do that. I'm sure they have some sort of dad, dad wants to learn how to drive the station wagon faster down the fucking street class. How about something like that, you know? But what I love about both of those things is it doesn't involve me having to find a place for some new shit. You know, what do you want for Christmas? Can you take me to the movies? You know, I want to see that new Joaquin Phoenix

where he plays Napoleon. I love Joaquin Phoenix. It's so fucking great that there's fucking that level of actors out there, you know? We just know like, not only they kill our actors, but they always pick like great projects. Like he's one of those fucking guys. It's just like, if you just say that guy's name,

it's like, all right, I'm watching it. I'm gonna watch that. It's going to be worth it. And I still haven't seen killers of the flower moon, fucking ridiculous. But now I have time off. I might do that. I might do that on Wednesday. I think I'll have time. I'm just literally talking to myself at this point. All right. I'm over it. whatever. If we miss the fucking feel goal, I've talked myself down from the ledge. And I'm going to watch the late game here. All right, that's it. You guys have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'm one of my thankful for. I'm thankful that you guys listen to this podcast

that you guys come out to my shows. guys listed to this podcast that you guys come out to my shows that you laugh at my jokes. It makes me feel great when I hear you guys laugh, and especially when I do a new joke. So thank you for another year of showing up to my shows so I could live my dream. All right. With that, you'll fuck yourselves. I'm a great Thanksgiving, and I'll talk to you on Thursday. All right. If your family is anything like mine, they're loud and there's a lot of them.

So if we need to travel to see even more of this big family, whether it's in England or in New York, the solution is obvious, getting Airbnb. Not surprisingly, everyone has their specific requests. So we need a big common space for all the kids, but also some privacy. And then if we can get an Airbnb with a pool, well, I become the hero. Fortunately with Airbnb, accommodating everyone's needs is easy. So we'd love to cook, and a great kitchen is top of the list. We may not be at our house, but we know with an Airbnb,

we're gonna feel right at home. Whether you're traveling with friends or with family for a big celebration or just to get away, get an Airbnb.