Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-21-11

Episode Date: November 21, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioFootball, Dilemmas, Advice

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a children's menu free at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea. Whatever the fuck they say next,

I don't know. Doobie doobie do. Hey, it's Bill Byrds. The Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, November 21, 2011. And I'm singing Christmas songs. Why the fuck would I be singing Christmas songs when Thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet?

You know why? Because I went out to the mall today. I went out to the mall. Oh my god, let's go to the fucking mall and look at shit we don't need. I want to dress up my pussy in a different way. Give me a credit card, Ma.

So sick of the same slutty clothes. I want something that shows more of my fucking clit cleavage. Mom, it's acceptable now. You don't understand. I went to the fucking mall today

and that's all they're doing. They're playing fucking cricket. That's all they're doing. They're playing fucking Christmas music. They got the goddamn fake fucking trees up. You know, Thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet. I want to know why. I want to know why

every fucking year Thanksgiving gets more and more disrespected. It's getting slapped around. Nobody gives a fuck. You know what it is, but you know why I love Thanksgiving is because those fucking cunts on Madison Avenue

have never found out a way how to make money off of it. They just can't. You sit down and you fucking eat and then you watch football and just lay there like a tub of shit. It is the fucking greatest

goddamn holiday ever. It's the fucking best. You don't have to buy anything. You don't have to do anything. Just put something remotely respectable on your fucking mantits. Go over to somebody's house and just eat like a goddamn animal.

You know? Then you sit down and you watch football and those sons of bitches cannot figure out a way how to sell your shit. They can't figure out a way to make you go out and go to the fucking mall and buy shit.

So what these cunts have done and I think that's because a turkey doesn't have a lap. They can't have a deal breaker. They could somehow f... Or maybe they can get like an emaciated turkey.

Maybe a turkey does have a lap but they're just so fucking fat. You know? You can't get a kid to sit on it or even have a person dress up like a fucking turkey. You just sit there freaking kids out.

Just sitting there. You know? Some big ugly turkey. Just fucking sitting there. Some struggling actor in there. Trying to get some goddamn fucking... I don't know. You can't make money off Thanksgiving.

I absolutely love it. And these cunts realize it. So what they do is they put the Christmas trees up beforehand. You know? And then right after they have these psycho sales for the fucking ladies. Right? And they all over the year.

Somebody gets trampled to death. You know? Some poor guy that fucking security guard that one year. He was working at the Kmart. You know? Jimmy fucking 2000 keys.

And he comes walking up with his big fucking gymnast ring full of keys and he unlocks the door. What happens? He gets trampled by a bunch of goddamn fatties who want to go in there and try and buy a fucking VCR for $9.

You know? I don't even know where the fuck I'm going with this. All I know is I love Thanksgiving. And I got Christmas music in my fucking head. Tick, tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick. Come on, it's lovely.

I guess they're playing Johnny Mathis. Those were all Johnny Mathis ones. Whatever. Happy Thanksgiving everybody. Don't start your Christmas shopping. Don't get an early start. Don't do it. What are you getting an early start for? This fucking frenzy?

Why are you participating? You know? Have you wondered that? Why are you going online late at night trying to see if they release a couple of more iPhones? Why are you doing that? Why are you going to sporting events?

And when the fucking goddamn mascot comes up with a t-shirt gun, why are you leaning over that old person in front of you? Stretched out like a starving child and they're shooting a fucking pretzel roll at you. It's a goddamn t-shirt. You know?

Have some fucking respect for yourself. You want a t-shirt? You walk into a foot locker like a fucking gentleman. And you mosey on over one million that they have there that cost like three dollars each because somehow they figured out a way

to make fucking toddlers sew them together at three in the morning over in Vietnam. That's how you get a t-shirt. You don't make a fucking ass of yourself in front of your friends or even worse goddamn kids. Alright? Now you fucking douchebags.

Fucking douchebags trying to get this goddamn iPhone. For what? Everybody's gonna have one in six weeks. Alright? They got like fucking they got like 20 cargo ships right off the coast

filled with them. Just in a holding pattern. Just trying to work up the fucking nerd frenzy. What are you doing? You're buying into it. Go fuck yourself. Ghost of Steve Jobs. Okay? You want me to buy your phone? Fucko.

Put it in the goddamn store. Stalk your fucking shelves. Alright? When you got plenty of them then you fucking call me and I'll go down and get your goddamn phone. You motherfucker. You recently dead son of a bitch. You're gonna fucking sit there.

You know, it's fucking ridiculous. I have listened to fucking Bobby Kelly. Dude, they got plenty of them, dude. Go down to the store, dude. And I fucking go down there and they don't have them. And they go, you know, we release a couple.

If you can, if you go to our website, dude. Fuck your website. Sir, don't use that language in this store. This isn't a fucking store. Store has stuff that I can buy. I don't walk into a store and then you tell me to go to a computer back at my house.

Right? This is still a store, right? Why don't you fucking call me when you got the shit that I want? Sit here, play your fucking games. You know? I know that you didn't come up with it

with your stupid genius t-shirt. How much of a fucking discount did they give you on the fucking iPhone for you to play ball? Huh, Seth? If you just sit here and lead people around like this and create this artificial fucking frenzy for these goddamn phones.

Really? You came out with a new phone and you only made 18 of them? You fucking cunts. I'm sticking with the droid. No. I'm sticking with this thing. You know why I like the droid? Because if you want one, you can just walk over and buy it.

I don't want to hear from any of you cunts who listen to my podcast. You just go out here and you just pre-order. I'm not fucking doing that. All right? I got too much shit to do during the course of the day to fucking sit here

and start filling out packing lists like I'm working in their warehouse. I don't work for those assholes. Down at the i-store, whatever the fuck you call it. Fuck them. Fuck their phone. Okay? I'm gonna get one. I'm gonna get one after the first of the year

when all you dumb fucks out there who spent way too much money on people you don't really give a fuck about. You know? So once again, you gotta be asking yourself as the holiday season dooby-dooby-doo

and skewerly bop stick it up your damn twat It's coming up. There's a bunch of cunts in your life. It's unavoidable. All right? One good shit. You know?

Is the sea of cunts that you have to go through to get to that one good shit. All right? So I know you got a bunch of cunts in your life. And I know you have to play the game. You gotta get them something. All right?

What you need to do is get them something of sort of quality that doesn't cost a lot of money and you can stuff it in their fucking stocking. And just imagine you're doing that throat. And I'll tell you right now I can't think of a better

fucking gift than the bill burr let it go DVD. How do you like that? How do you like that? 10 minutes of ranting against the man and I become him

10 minutes later. There you go. You just saw an entire the first two acts of a movie. I'm struggling. I'm struggling. And then I become the guy and then I become a douche and then we go into the third act. We gotta see

if I'm gonna come to my senses and help the little man and get back with my girlfriend that I left standing at the bus stop in my hometown and dumped that fake titted whore I met out in Glendale or am I just gonna be a douche? I don't know. Studio wants a happy ending.

Yeah. Get him a fucking DVD. It's 20 bucks. Bang bang boom. You wrap it up. Here you go. Here's some laughs. Go fuck yourself. I'll see you next year. It's just a suggestion. You don't have to do it. You know, it's been a while since I've hoarded myself out on my own podcast.

You know? It was the last time I brought up the donation button. You know? God, I wish I knew some donation music. Has anybody ever made a song about giving? Didn't Phil Collins make one? Some song about homeless people? Oh.

Think twice. Yeah. Cause it's another day for you and me in paradise. I don't think I've ever hated Phil Collins more than when he wrote that fucking song. You know? I hate

when people do shit like that. I mean, Susudio was bad enough. But don't fucking bring up homeless people. I'm sitting at home trying to have a sandwich. Trying to enjoy my life. And you gotta bring up the misery of all these other fucking people.

You know? Like every one of them was a great guy. And then, you know, somebody put him out on the street. Homeless people are just like people with houses. Most of them are cunts. Okay? I'm telling you. There's a reason they're outside. There's a reason these fucking people are outside. Alright?

They got no manners. They don't wash. You think they got that dirty? You think they got that fucking dirty a couple weeks out on the street? Need a break. The outside was cleaner when those fuckers were living inside.

And here's Phil Collins sitting in his goddamn castle. You gotta tell me to think twice. I'm gonna think, fuck you, Phil Collins! You know, why don't you rent out fucking a couple thousands of your rooms in your goddamn tower? You could solve the whole fucking homeless problem

in Manchester. There's a city in fucking England. Right? What a beast of a drummer that guy is, huh? Phil Collins? Fucking amazing. He's got his own sound. He plays those concert tom still. I love that he's stuck with them.

There's a couple of drummers that I love that never gave in to whatever was cool at the time. You know, John Bonham went right through the 70s as everybody was muting the shit out of their drums and everybody getting that dry sound. He was like, yeah, go fuck yourself, right? And he... He actually went from a 24 to a 26 inch bass drum.

Right? Right? Isn't that right, ladies? This is compelling, isn't it, for females to be listening to? Phil Collins was another guy. He played those concert tom's, I think, with no bottom head. Like fucking 19 of them going all the way around. The only guy I ever saw with more tom's going around

was Nico McBrain in Iron Maiden. He didn't give a fuck. Nico McBrain's another guy. He's been playing that fucking... I mean, how many tom's do you need? I'll tell you right now, a big chunk of the rainforest gets removed every year, making a new kit for that fucking guy.

All right, this is the podcast. What do I want to talk about this week? Oh, Jesus Christ. I gotta sit up here. At some point, I'm gonna get some furniture down here in my little rec room. That little rec room that no homeless people are allowed in. Oh, thick twice.

Hey, you know, Phil, if I want to think about homeless people, why don't you let me do it? Are you reminding me in my one-bedroom apartment? You fucking asshole. I bet that's all you did for homeless people, didn't you? You wrote a song about them, and then you made... You made millions of dollars off of their fucking problems.

Ooh, he lives in a box. Cha-ching, right? It's fucking brilliant. That's like Sally Struthers. A lot of people don't know this. She has made an absolute fortune to hire an Ethiopian Somalia. Absolute fucking fortune.

She, uh... I can't even say what I was gonna say. I was trying to think how she could have made money off those broadcast people. She cuts off the ends of her hair. That's what she does, and she sells them to the ladies! And then they glued on down near their hoo-ha, you know? So they can be a little more exotic.

Not be just another run-of-the-mill Ethiopian, you know? Um, they can have a little famous hair down there. Um, there's no... You know, some weeks I feel like I can talk for fucking three hours, and there's not gonna be a problem. This is one of these weeks I'm 15 minutes in, and I don't know where to fuck them going next. Um...

What did I do this week? Did anything interesting happen? You know what, I actually just spent... I didn't go out last night, and then I spent the entire day inside today, and it was raining out. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. If I'm on the road, and I'm working,

and I'm coming back, and I got auditions, and I'm just moving, I am fine. I am a happy, smiling jackass, but the second I stop moving, it's over. I don't have something to do within six hours. The thoughts that creep into my head are just, you know, it's unbelievable. All of a sudden I'll just be sitting there watching TV,

and I'll just be like, hey, you know, I could always kill myself. You know, that's always an option, not saying when I do it, you know? I get real depressed when I have nothing to fucking do. I swear to God, I have to go work out. I gotta do something to get my blood going, because the second I stop moving,

you know, and I become like a little still little puddle. You know, water not moving. Wild animals not willing to drink out of me, because all the bacteria in there, right? I fucking, I start thinking about that shit. I start thinking about, I am older than everybody in the NHL. I start thinking about all the time it's gone by. I start thinking about all the time that's left.

I start feeling I'm in the middle of this shit. What the fuck am I doing? And I gotta talk myself off a ledge. I try to stay present, you know? I'm really not big on going into the past, you know? That'd be like Terry Bradshaw looking back at the early part of his career. Why would you do it?

It's nothing but failure. Not suggesting that I've won four championships, but I did Carnegie last week. That's gotta be worth a ring, you know? Speaking of which, somebody actually gave me a great dilemma. A dilemma this week. They asked me. Let me see if I can scroll down here.

Lay on the fucking floor. Bill, would you rather give up your podcast or bomb at Carnegie Hall? I'm talking zero laughs. One hour of utter silence, and you can't cut the set short. Ah, no brainer. I would give up this podcast in a second.

There's no fucking way I am going down. That would be a historic bombing. You know? No, fuck that. I'm not doing that. It's just a stupid podcast. And everybody I know has a podcast, so I would just become a go-to guest

on everybody else's podcast, and I would rip it up at fucking Carnegie Hall. No brainer. No fucking brainer. You know? What'd you think I was gonna choose my loyalty to you, sir? Huh? What was the last time you went on themmpodcast.com

and you made a donation? For just 99 cents, you can feed a podcaster. Ahem. So you guys watch a little NFL football? Did ya? Yep. I had a brutal week betting.

Brutal week so far. I, um... I've been beating fucking Paul Verzi so far this year, but, you know, I've been having a nice run. So, you know how gambling works? You know? You guys know how gambling works? Basically, it goes around in circles.

You're killing it, you're killing it, and then you fucking eat it, and you eat it, and you always eat it more than you kill it, and that's how they fucking make money. You're an absolute fucking sap if you gamble. If you look at the World Series of Poker and you look at people who gamble for a living, you can see the ups and downs in their wardrobe.

They got some piece of shit rayon shirt with, like, $100,000 watch on their wrist. You know? $2 toupee and $400 sunglasses. They're the worst. It's just a fucking degenerate, loser fucking thing to do. You're not gonna win. You're never getting your money back.

Just stop. You know? But you know what it is? It's the... I don't know how it works with the ladies, but with guys, it's the fucking ego. Guys, we're idiots. We think we have a system.

We think we know what we're doing. We don't. I'll tell you what's his face. Verzi drives me up the fucking wall. We were making our bets today, right? And I said I was taking Buffalo today against Miami. And right as we hung up, he goes, dude, I think Miami's gonna kill him, right?

I really think Miami's gonna put a beating on him. Okay? Then we hang up. And then he texts me later when Miami puts a beating on him. He goes, dude, I called it. Right? It's like, dude, we were just betting games. We're betting games.

Why don't you fucking put your money where your mouth is, bet the dolphins, and then say, dude, I called it. Don't fucking do that throwaway shit right before we hung up. I said I liked the Redskins today, but I didn't bet on him. So I didn't text him and say, dude, I called it. What he should have said was, dude, I bitched up. Really? I hope you're listening to this, Verzi.

Really? You called it? So what? You wanted those two losers instead? I don't fucking, I don't really talk about it. What about Tim Doe? Jesus Tebow. There's another one, Verzi called.

I'm telling you, the fucking Jets are going to kill him. I'm going to tell you guys right now, and don't tell Verzi this. This is why I'm going to beat him this year, like I beat him last year. Paul Verzi, now watch, I'm going to fucking lose like 20 in a row. Paul Verzi makes the brutal mistake of always betting on what should happen. You know? I don't get it. I don't get it.

I don't fucking, every fucking week, he bets what should happen. Okay? Like take tomorrow night, Patriots versus the fucking Kansas City Chiefs. Everybody who's ever watched a football game in their life says the Patriots are going to kick the living shit out of the Chiefs. Fucking Patriots are given 15 fucking points. Dude, it's a lock. Fucking Tom Brady, dude. It's a home game.

Monday night, they're on a roll. Matt Castle isn't playing everything. Write down a fucking checklist of the Patriots winning. The amount of fucking times in that scenario the Chiefs will cover is fucking, it's, I swear to God, it feels like it's off the charts. So what you have to do every week in my world, there's like five games of, can you fucking believe that? Can you fucking believe it? Paul Verzi never takes into consideration, can you fucking believe that? He never bets on, can you fucking believe that?

He goes on the hype. He bets hype and he bets with his heart, which I can't, I can't fault him for that. You know? He bets what should happen. Despite the fact that we live in this corrupt fucking world, despite the fact you go to Vegas, the lights are on all night, all day, the fucking AC is cranking with the doors wide open in the middle of a fucking desert. Despite that, he never takes what the fuck into consideration. I on the other hand do. I will bet what the fuck, which is why I am, I always up a couple of games on it.

Dude, I'm telling you the Jets, you know, they fucking lost last week, they're going into Denver, they got fucking Tebow, the guy sucks, fucking blah, blah, blah. Right there, I run from those games. You fucking run from, there's no fucking way in hell I ever would have put money on that game ever. God damn up and down Jets. Then they going into Tebow, it just looks like a layup. Who in their right mind wouldn't have bet the Jets? That right there is a fucking red flag. It's like seeing some fucking hot chick.

Just goddamn fucking, God, she's an 11. Standing there and she doesn't have a boyfriend. Did you just get out of a relationship? No. Right there, fucking red flag, stay away from it. Stay away from it. So I took the Kansas City Chiefs. Now I might get fucking burned on this.

All right, but I'm telling you, in the long run, you know what's funny is I made fun of people with the system. Now I'm telling you my system. In the long run, I really believe that you got to throw those ones in. If you ever just want to go undefeated, you got to throw them in there. You got to bet somebody there's going to be a fucking upset, right? Look at Tampa Bay this week. Who the fuck saw that coming? All of a sudden they're going to play?

Nobody fucking goddamn Packers were favored by 15 and a half just sitting there on the table. I'm sitting there looking at it going, you know, and I was thinking Tampa Bay. I was thinking Tampa Bay, but you know what? I didn't have the balls. I didn't have the fucking balls to pull the trigger. And I made the mistake. I bet on the bills, who the bills were and who the dolphins were rather than who they are right now. And I got my fucking ass handed to me and I deserved it.

And then I also took the Panthers against the fucking lions. Um, I don't know. I just thought, I don't know why I did that. I didn't realize that the Panthers had no fucking defense. I had no idea, you know? So I was 0-1-2 coming out of the gate. I was like, you got to be shit me. And the only thing that I believed in is Jim Harbaugh in the 49s.

Jim Harbaugh is the fucking man. And when Jim Harbaugh sets his sights on doing something, whatever it is, it gets done. All right? That fucking guy, I swear to God, he probably looked at the spread and said, okay, it's 10 and a half. Not only do we have an obligation to win this game, we got to make sure that people who believed in us to put money on this team are going to make money. Wouldn't surprise. That's how fucking competitive that guy is.

I fucking love that guy. USC went for a two point conversion when they were up by 56 to nothing or whatever. And then Pete Carroll comes up, hey, what's your problem? He goes, you've been doing that to us for years. Go fuck yourself. I was like, I like that guy. So that was the favorite I took. So I'm actually having a bad week.

I'm one and two right now. And oh, Jesus. So tomorrow night I got the chiefs getting 15. I don't know why I just got this fucking feeling because the Patriots should get the Patriots should win that game. Like fucking, you know, I don't know what 30 something the fucking, you know, 13 or 10. One of those games, you know, those games in the fourth quarter where they just the announcers just start shooting the shit with each other. You know, I'll tell you, you know, year in and year out, you got to hand it this franchise. They just, they are about winning and it's, and it's, it's, it's a tradition.

It's expected here. And, you know, when you look at a team like Kansas City, that tradition just, you know, it's a proud franchise. They have great fans. You know, they always have to cover their ass. But, you know, it's just not, that sentiment is not in the locker room. That's what should happen. So I was like, all right, that's what the fuck everybody's going to bet. You know, it's like the earthquake thing.

All right, everybody's talking about how California is going to fall into the fucking ocean. It is. It's going to be the East Coast. There's too much money on the West Coast. Everybody's betting the West Coast. Everybody bet the Patriots. That means the Giants are going to win. Everybody bets the Rams.

The fucking Patriots are going to win. Every once in a while. Super Bowl 20. That one panned out. I know other ones have. Whatever. Who gives a fuck? I'm completely full of shit anyways.

I just like breaking Verzi's balls. Paul Verzi, who destroyed at Caroline's. Not Caroline, sorry. Caroline's at fucking Carnegie. Anyway, so let's get into some other shit for this week. What do we got here? What do we got here? Oh, last week I asked you guys when we were talking about fears.

And I was saying top fears for a guy would be, you know, going to prison, getting raped, you know, girlfriend cheating on you, not being able to support your family. So I asked some people out there to send me their top 10 lists. All right, here we go. Top 10 fears of two guys here. This is two people who sent them in. Number one for this guy, failure. Yeah, just straight across the board, failure, you know?

That's got to be a quiet moment when you just straight up just failed. I always picture yourself standing like on a boardwalk near a beach, but it's not a good beach. It's a dirty beach. And it's like, you know, hot dog wrappers getting blown around. Some dirty seagull just sitting there. Hypodermic needles and shit. You just looking out in the ocean, just going, should I do it? Should I just walk out in there?

You know, water's so dirty. You won't even get eaten by anything. You just die slowly of hepatitis. All right, number two, getting sent to prison and getting raped. That's got to be on every guy's list, you know? Except for the guy that does the rape. Can you imagine that? If you're in prison and you're raping another guy.

What a fucking relief that's got to be. I can't believe my whole life I was nervous about this moment. Turns out I'm the guy. I'm the guy everybody should have been afraid of. You know, I used to do a bit about that a long time ago. Like do, do psych, do like serial killers get ner, get scared at night? You know, as they walk through a park like, oh geez, you know, I shouldn't be in the park late at night. You know, there could be some psych.

Oh wait, it's me. Oh fuck. Dude, I'm running shit. You know, start skipping through the park. If I was a cop, that's what I would do. If I was a cop and I was looking for a serial killer, I would just hide out in the park and I'd look for some guy walking through the park who didn't look like he had a fucking care in the world.

I mean, that's the guy, that's the guy killing everybody. He has no reason to be nervous. He's the guy everybody should be afraid of and he's not going to hurt himself. So there you go. As long as he's not suicidal, this guy's got nothing to fucking worry about. Alright, next one. What the fuck, what did I do? I scrolled down, I lost it.

Alright, fear number three. Being cheated on by the woman I love. That would be the worst. I said last week even worse. Cheated on by the woman you love with one of your friends. You know, that's another reason why whenever I break up with a broad, I get the fuck away from them. I get away from them because, you know, not saying all of them.

Alright ladies, put your fucking Lee Press on nails down. Let me finish my goddamn thought here. Like, you know, women get fucking, they are into revenge. They are into just making your fucking life misery. One of the greatest things you can ever do is, you know something, one of these days, I'm going to have Al Madrigal on this podcast. He told me how he used to break up with women and it was fucking brilliant. In fact, he has a great podcast called Mini Van Men.

It's him, Maz Jabrani and Chris Spencer. They're all dads. They talk about being dads and you know, but they go off the rails. If they take calls or they have emails, just say, you know, put my name in the subject line and just say, Al Madrigal, ask him how to break up with a woman because he has it fucking down. It was tremendous. But anyways, getting back to my point here.

Yeah, because they'll do everything. They'll do anything they possibly fucking can. You have to make a clean goddamn break because when they run out of options and they're a little tipsy, they will make out with one of your friends. They'll give them a fucking hand job and a goddamn hooters. They'll do something. They'll do something. And you know, your buddy might not say anything, but she's going to.

She's going to nuke your fucking life if she's mad enough. So, okay, I agree with that. I agree with that. Definitely. All right. Well, I was just laughing there because I was just totally got away from the list. I just started talking about my own fears rather than somebody else's. Stop being so selfish, Bill.

All right. Number four, being decapitated. Yeah, that's a bad one. You know, especially the way it's being done, you know, those fucking maniacs over the fucking Afghanistan is shit. Jesus Christ. That's when you know you're a psycho. We're going to decapitate them and you go over to the goddamn silverware drawer

and you take out a bread knife. All right, it's going to take a while. Having my ass beat in public. You know, that's not something I really worry about. That would be fucking humiliating. Now you brought it up. You just added another fear. Number six, seeing her disappointment after she unzips my fly.

Yeah, that would be a brutal one, you know. So does that mean you have a small dick right now, sir, or you're just saying if a girl unzipped your fly and she was just disappointed? Number seven, getting stuck in a neighborhood that doesn't appreciate whitey late at night. Number eight, dying alone. And, you know, something actually getting back to that other one, that whitey late at night. You know, most people would help you get out of the fucking neighborhood. In fact, one of the funny things in New York City, and a lot of comedians did bits about this,

so I won't joke around about it. But when you were new to the city and you accidentally got on an express train and it went from 86th Street up to 125th Street, and they would, black people, Puerto Ricans, they would be looking at you as a white person to watch you as you slowly figured out that the train wasn't stopping at 97th, and then 110, and then whatever the fuck it went after that. 103 or 105, I can't even fucking remember anymore. And they would just wait, and as you went to get off, they would always be somebody.

Anytime I did it, even after I knew what I did, and then I knew where I had to go, they would always be somebody on the train, just go, you just want to walk straight across the platform, take the next one down. You know, don't talk to anybody, don't look at anybody. You know, I wonder if that happens in Kentucky, when some poor black guy gets off at the wrong fucking exit to some guy named Cooter, go listen, man, you want to get back, just turn it around, go right back up that dirt road, I'm telling you.

That ain't a bonfire you want to be a part of. Turn your fucking, turn into racism, Paula? Goddamn, I like this. All right, turn it around, get it back up to the highway. Number eight, dying alone. You know, that one doesn't scare me. I think living alone is scarier to me. Dying alone, I can be all right with it, you know?

Oh, that's going to be hilarious. Me dying is going to be funny. Me trying to remember any prayers I remember from my fucking religion, that's going to be a rough one. Number nine, getting married and regretting it. Yeah, that's a good list here. Number 10, having kids and realizing, this is one of the meanest things everyone has ever written to me,

having kids and realizing one of them is a redhead. No offense, but I don't want to look at that every day. Jesus Christ. You know, the fucking hatred of redhead, it never used to be like this, one fucking South Park episode, and just, I think a lot of people didn't even realize, I think they didn't even realize they didn't even like us. Now all of a sudden, it's unreal.

Feeling like a fucking Armenian in the middle of Turkey. Ah, look at me, expanding my horizons. It never happened. If you say it happened, you get arrested. That's when you know it happened. You ever hear about that shit over in Turkey? You can't even, if you even suggest that they committed genocide. I want to know more about this, by the way,

because I'm really talking out of my ass, as opposed to the other 40 minutes of this podcast, where I was just completely reading from a fact book. This is the only part of the podcast where I'm talking out of my ass. Yeah, if you even bring up that they committed genocide with the Armenian people, you automatically go to jail, if you even bring it up, you know? I mean, what the fuck, people?

You committed genocide. Hey, who hasn't? You know, at some point, you got to admit to it in your own goddamn way. You pay some sort of reparations. You know, why don't you give them some casinos, like we did with all the Native Americans? You know, at some point, you know what happened? To sit there and be like, it never happened, and if anybody says it happened, you go to jail?

Really? Right there. I'm going to go out on a limb and say, it fucking happened. All right, let's go to this next guy's top 10. Let's see how much overlap there is. Losing my teeth slash dick. I find that really interesting that you put both of those together. Now, if you asked any guy to make a choice,

he would obviously say his fucking teeth. I got to tell you, after a while, your dick's going to get you way more trouble than your teeth, and you know, you really don't want to fuck when you're 70. Go ahead, give me that macho answer, you dumb cunt. You're not. You fucking pancreas is acting up. You really want to go and fucking peel off your cardigan.

You wrinkled fucking mantits. All right, number two, rape of any kind overlap. Right there. Full-blown panic attack while giving a speech. That one I can't relate to. I got over that a long time ago just by what I do, but I remember back in the day when you had to give a book report, I fucking hated that.

Just sitting there counting down how many more until I was, and watching somebody give a book report, and being so psyched that it wasn't me, and then when they were done being so jealous that it was over. That was awful. I used to go up there and my face would turn beet red. Everyone would be laughing, and I'd feel like an asshole. Oh, it's just a fucking parade of humiliation.

Number four, getting beat up in front of my friends and family. And there's another overlap. I never think about that shit. Yeah, I guess that's... I don't, because I don't look at myself like some Chuck Norris dude, like I have some sort of fucking reputation. You know, I'm just a guy who's got a big mouth and talk shit, and guys like me get slapped in the face all the time,

so it's really not that much of a... It's like expected. You know? Like, would you guys be surprised by that? If you heard I did a show, and somebody just jumped on stage and punched him in the mouth. Yeah, you know, that kind of makes sense. He's a dick, and he's not really physically imposing,

so combine that, he looks like Howdy Doody. I mean, the math really all works out there. I think that's for tough guys. Tough guys, you know, having a loss. Alright, number five, death by badgers. Yeah, that's a brutal one. I think death by a badger would actually be even worse than death by like a grizzly bear,

because that would be over quick. That'd be like getting punched by Tyson back in the day. Or even now, who am I kidding? But death by a badger, that just seems like there'd be a lot of... There'd be a lot of, you know, you'd be all scratched up like Bruce Lee and enter the dragon. Except the scratches would be real, fuck that. Because that thinks that then nibbling away at your waist.

There would be a long fucking death. Number six, being eaten by a shark. Bonus fear, shark starts at the toes. I like this guy. This guy has a lot of fear of being eaten alive. Like I've always thought, you know, of a lion, a lioness, because the lion doesn't really hunt. If a lion ever came running at me,

once I just really accepted the fact that I wasn't going to get away, I would... I would think, I think I would grab my collar like Rodney Dangerfield does to expose more of my neck just to get it over with quick. Those things go right for your neck and it's done. You're fucking, it's like getting choked out in the UFC. You're out within fucking eight seconds. So I wouldn't be worried about that, but a shark, first of all,

a shark comes up, takes a bite out of you just to see if you're edible. So there you go. There goes your fucking, whatever that muscle is on the back of your leg. And then you just fucking sit there in your own pool, in your own blood, wait for that motherfucker to come back and you can't even see it. Oh, and then it pulls you under and you start drowning. Ugh. Oh my God.

Ugh. I would be so mad at God if that happened. The second I was dead and I was in the, I wouldn't even, I would storm right through the way. Sir, sir, you got to wait your turn. I would fuck you motherfucker. The fuck did I do to ever deserve that? You know, I would think that God would have to understand.

I would think God would actually be laughing. I'm sorry about that, man, but you know, you know, what the fuck were you doing in the ocean? Is that my fault? Number seven. Standing naked on stage while a theater full of women discuss how small my dick is. Uh, guys really have a lot, guys have that fear. I don't know, I don't know. I never think about that shit.

I'm average. I still don't think about that. Cause I always consider that like, that's their last resort. I would be more worried if I overheard women talking saying I had a small dick. That would bug me. That would, that would really fucking bug me. You know, and then they saw me catching them talking and then they tried to play it off. That would bug me cause then I would think that they were serious.

But if a girl ever said something like that to me, I'm like, she's just trying to piss me off. You know, they always go like, like when women try to piss you off, they either go, they attack, size of your dick, like question your sexuality, or your sexual, uh, proudness is that the word. They go, that's usually, that's their three pronged attack. You have a little dick, you suck in bed, you're probably gay. You know, that's when they just, you know, they're just trying to make you mad.

You just, you just don't take the bait. You know, I like my dick. I thought I was a little better than average. I thought I did alright in bed. Yeah, I thought you came a couple of times. Well, then you'll enjoy being not in my life. See ya, sweetie. Well, you think I'm gay?

Well, I'll just take that as a compliment on my wardrobe. Thank you very much. Don't let the door hit you in your ass there. You know, never take the bait when they try to make you mad. Don't ever fucking do that. That's how Chris Brown ended up in jail. You know, when that chick was giving him all that shit, which I totally believe she was. Anybody who has shh tattooed on their index finger?

I mean, Jesus Christ, is that a fucking red flag or what? Right there. That, you know, that's like you having shut up and listen bitch tattooed on your fucking fist. What woman would go out with you? You know, I blame Chris Brown for that whole fucking situation. He should have seen that coming. Number eight, choking to death on a crouton on YouTube. Okay, it's random.

Number nine, moving back into my mom's house. Yeah, that would be brutal. It's even worse with the failure with your mom, but all your neighbors seeing you pulling up with that, you know, your little fucking you go full of clothes. Number 10, having a shark badger. The same guy having a shark badger bite my dick off while having a panic attack on stage in front of my friends and family all while it's streaming live on YouTube. Whose audience includes my friends and family. All right, so we combined them there in the end. There you go.

And that's fierce for this week, everybody. That really seemed to peter out after a while. Was it me? Was it me? Or did it kind of die? All right, here's one for you. Loan or travel. Bill, since you travel a lot, I was wondering if you have any advice on a good city to visit for a single guy.

I'm 34, never married, and no kids, i.e. no baggage, even though I like the ladies. I'm not looking for a place to go to get laid. Just a good place to go visit that I may have a good club, that may have a good club or music scene or a good area where someone traveling alone won't feel out of place. All right, you don't want to get laid, but you go into a club. You must be into like techno music or something. Dude, if I was you, I'd just go to Paris. What do you think? You're gonna go to Atlanta and look at another fucking, you know, I don't know, sports bar?

I would go to another country. Immediately you're interesting because you're from another place. Immediately you have an accent and you're gonna get fucking laid. And if you don't, who gives a shit? You go into a museum, you look at that really average looking woman that that guy painted from the Da Vinci Code. Evidently, she was smarking because she realized that, I can't remember, she realized something, you know? I've never liked the Mona Lisa. I just, I found her arrogant.

I don't like that arrogant look on her face. I just think she's got a lot of nerve looking the way she looks, dressing how she dresses to have that fucking look on her face. All right, this podcast, I don't know what happened, what happened in the last three minutes? All of a sudden this podcast sucks. It's going so well. That gives a shit. What am I, 48 minutes in? Can I bomb for the last 12 minutes?

What's going on here? There we go. I'm gonna bomb for the last 12 minutes. Thank you guys, a goddamn lesson in bombing. All right, do you know what's funny? This is how much, this is why I don't gamble, by the way. When I lost those first two games before Jim Harbaugh came to my fucking rescue, I actually shut the TV off and I just, I got my car and I just, I tapped out. I can't handle it.

I don't know how you fucking gamblers do it. I have no fucking idea how you, I can't handle it. The powerlessness. And here it is, I got the NFL package. I haven't been home for five weeks. I can finally sit here and watch the games. And because I'm 0-2, I shut it off and I walk away. I didn't watch one second of the 49er game.

You know, if I won one game earlier, I would have watched it. I would have had a great fucking time, but I didn't. I don't know how you guys would, why would you add that misery to your life? I gotta start talking about that more, for the love of God. Oh, by the way, I have a brand new website, everybody. Let's take a little tour, shall we? Let's all go to billburr.com. It is up and running.

Look at all those fancy photos. And eventually I will get the iPhone so I can start making videos and putting them up here and doing all this type of shit. And, but I'm not doing it to the iPhones in the stores. All right, go fuck yourself, ghost of Steve Jobs. Basically, yeah, if you write something on Twitter, it shows up over to the side. You can make comments on the Facebook page if you scroll down. You go all the way down to the bottom of the page. There's your Christmas gift to that douche you don't like.

All right, you can get my DVD there. We got some MM Podcast t-shirts. You go to my bio. I got a new bio sitting there. What else, events? You click on events. That's where I'm going to be. You click on the go button.

It'll take you right to where you need to be to buy tickets unless there's not a link yet. The blog will have the latest podcast and blogs at some point. If I ever start blogging again, the podcast page will have all my podcasts. Eventually we're getting them all. What do we got here? We got all the way back to September. Gradually getting them up, merchandise page, and then the contact. There you go.

That's the whole thing. They got links to my Facebook, my Twitter. What the fuck is this speaker thing? I don't even know what this is. I don't fucking know. Whatever. That's the deal. I got a new podcast.

I got a new website. So please visit it. Please leave some comments. Please follow me on Twitter. And that's it. I think that's the podcast for the sweet people. I don't have anything else. I have literally run out of funny.

You know why? Because I wasn't ready to do this one. But I was banished by the lovely, beautiful, adorable Nia. I was banished down to my goddamn fucking podcasting place now because she wanted to watch her TV and she didn't want to deal with me running my mouth. She was watching that show. Remember that show I was telling you about last week with that lady? She spent 13 grand on a used car and tried to talk about how she was rich.

Hey haters, hey. Yeah, she knew I was going to run my mouth. It's unreal. I can't tell if it's unreal that she kicks me out or it's unreal that I'm that level of a dick. But I don't know. But we're enjoying the new place that we're living in. Nobody above us. Nobody below us.

And that motherfucker who I lived that old bastard that I lived above with such a pain in the ass over the last three, four years that I lived there that every time I drop something on the floor, I actually, I'm waiting to hear him yell and then I'm always reminded, oh yeah, that douche doesn't live below me anymore. Oh, by the way, by the way, I'm still waiting for my fucking, what do you call that thing, my deposit. I'm still waiting for it. Fucking dicks. That is just like just acceptable stealing.

What are the odds I'm going to get my deposit back? Oh, there's a piece of wallpaper missing. That's 900 bucks to go fuck yourself. You know, it's like before I move in, I have to give you first and last month. Before I even move in. I moved out seven fucking weeks ago. Every time I call up, oh yeah, you need to talk to Karen in the bookkeeping. Yeah, just try to, she's busy.

She'll call you back. Is she going to call me back today? Yes, she is. Never calls me back. You know what the funny thing is, is they think I'm going away. I'm not going away. I'm going to fucking drive down there tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving.

How are you? What's going on? I want my fucking money. I've called you six fucking times. You keep saying, see, I got to get this out on the podcast because I can't say that when I'm down there. I have to be, I have to, you know, walk in there. I'll be like, yeah, hi. Yeah.

Hi, people. Yeah. I just, you know, I moved out of the apartment complex that you have. Yeah. And I was wondering, you know, I've called on numerous occasions. Yeah. Yeah. And they haven't.

Yeah. Well, I'm in the area. I don't want to call. Well, can I wait? Because I don't want to call. Because you fucking cunts don't call me back. Sir, you have to leave the building. Just give me my fucking money.

Just give me my fucking money. That fucking place is immaculate. It's fucking immaculate. I don't know what your problem is. Anybody who came by to look at it, I raved about the neighborhoods that I loved it. I tried to fucking get somebody to rent it out myself. What more can I do? Give me my fucking money.

You know, I sound right now. I sound like that fucking guy and good fellas. Fuck him. Fuck him in his ear. I want my money. I want my fucking money. My old landlord is going to be sitting in the back of my Prius and sticking an ice pick in the back of my neck.

God, I thought he'd never shut up. All right. Let's go to advice for the week. Advice. Lady at the office wants it. Okay. Hey Bill, I was wondering if you and the lovely Nia, if she's around, could help me with an issue I've been having the past couple of months.

It has to do with a fucking lady at work. So this girl started at my office a little over two months ago and I've been training her on basically everything. So we've been spending a lot of time together. Cue the porno music. All right. Now this girl is by no means a smoke show, but she is cute and she's the type of girl who gets more attractive when you get to know her because she's pretty cool.

We have a lot in common like musical taste and we both like the same beer among other things. If you're not drinking or at the very least, you've discussed, you know, going out and having a few. You know, it's so funny about that, sir. You didn't even think of that question. You dick did. Your dick is always closing.

Your dick is always in a two minute offense, you know, but you got to be careful because just like Brett Favre, it will throw back over the middle for a pick six. That's what you're about ready to do if you start banging some broad at work. Unless you have the skills. Let me finish reading this thing here. All right. Our job requires a lot of time on the road. Oh God, this is just totally set up.

Our job requires a lot of time in the road. So we have a lot of time to talk to each other while in the car. You're in the car. She smells good. She's crossing her legs. How many times have you gotten a fucking hard on as you've been driving with her? Trying to keep up some stupid conversation as your dicks going. Do it.

Do it. Anyways, a lot of what we've been talking about is hookups and sex and what we both like and don't like. Dude, this is a layup. You're in there. And as I could have predicted, a bit of sexual tension began to arise. What do you mean you could have predicted? Dude, don't fucking play this game with me.

All right? You know what you're doing. A little bit of sexual tension that you fucking created. You're steering the conversation towards this exactly like you should be doing. This is right down the checklist. By the time I get done reading this, you'll probably fucking blow a loader. You're doing everything you can to fuck this girl. Anyways, what didn't help the situation was one day when we admit to each other that we

would bang each other if she didn't have a boyfriend. Oh, Jesus. Dude, listen, before we go any further, I totally respect what you're doing here. All right? What I don't respect is the way you're telling it to me as if this shit is just happening and you're not manipulating the situation. You're totally manipulating the situation. This is like t-ball.

This is like pussy t-ball at this point. It's just sitting right there waiting for you to knock it out of the park. And it was all because of the excellent fucking work that you've done. All right? I'm going to continue to read this. All right? But I want to tell you and everybody else, don't fucking talk to me like I'm an idiot. Yeah, you know, the sexual tension because we're sitting there talking about banging.

How did you get on that subject? What dumb subject was she talking about as you sat there and sort of fucking forced the conversation? You know, not forced because then she would have known. You just sort of gradually... How did you do it? How did you compliment her shoes or something? You know?

That's always a good thing. You know, it's a great fucking way. If you're trying to figure out how to turn the topic to sex and you're, you know, you're not at a bar or anything is you actually compliment another woman that walks by and be like, wow, there's a beautiful woman. I could really, you know, and women just find that fascinating. Why? What do you like about it?

Blah, blah, blah, blah. And you start with that as the jump off point and then you're in. You know? Then you're in. You're in. Okay? Just don't reach out and grab her titty in a moment of fucking reflex though. Because then you'll have a problem.

All right. Here we go. The sexual tension only got worse as we talked. As we talked about it more saying what we would do if we ever hooked up with each other. Yeah. First of all, this girl does not love her boyfriend. And yeah, yeah, this is, this is over. This is like a fucking red shoe diary at this point.

Meanwhile, when we are in the office, she calls me from her desk, from her desk to mine and sends me email trying to chit chat and shit and basically flirts hardcore. See it right there, dude. Right there. Right there. You just had a meltdown in the nuclear plant. It's starting to spill over. You got to get this girl under wraps.

This is bad. To the point where people have asked if there's anything going on between us. You sloppy. You young and you sloppy. When we're out of work, she texts me constantly, which gets a little annoying. But I'd be a liar if I didn't like it because, I mean, who doesn't like flirting with an attractive lady? You told me before that she wasn't really that attractive. But after a while, she starts getting more attractive.

What? After she says she wants to suck your dick? Ugh, fuck. You know what this is? This chick is like a virus and she's already contaminated your entire workspace. That might be beyond my help. I don't even know where you're going with this. Anyway, so the situation came to a head one Saturday night when she texts me saying she wants to be drunk honest with me.

I literally said, oh Jesus to myself, why? You created this situation. And he goes, and I asked what she meant. She went on to say she wanted to make out with me because she's never felt this way about someone. And even though she loves her boyfriend, who she's about to move in with and plans on marrying, she doesn't think that making out with me is a big deal. I kind of brushed it off as a drunk text and when she texted me the next day, I asked her if she had changed her mind and she said no and she still wanted to.

So I asked you this, sir, what the fuck do I do? I know it sucks to be cheated on because I've been cheated on and I don't want to do that to this dude because I've met her boyfriend once and he's a good guy. At the same time, he's not my friend. Here's where his dick comes in to argue the other side of it. At the same time, he's not my friend and therefore I feel I need to be loyal. I don't need to be loyal to him by not hooking up with his girlfriend. I know it'd be a sleazeball move on my part, but she's old enough to make her own decisions

and she has told me it wouldn't affect her relationship with him. Oh, Jesus, dude. Whether or not she's actually true, I won't know unless I go through with this and wait for the fallout. Exactly. Once again, she told me she wants to do that. All she wants to do is make out and not bang. But I know myself and as a 23-year-old guy, making out doesn't quite do it for me anymore so I know I'll try to go further.

Let me know what you think. Thanks in advance. Love the podcast. All right, all right, all right. The question you got to ask, you need to ask two questions. How much do you like your job and two, can her boyfriend beat the shit out of you? Does he have any felony convictions or anything like that? Because this whole thing is going to blow up in your face. This is a confused woman.

She doesn't know what she wants to do. She doesn't know how to be in a relationship. She's actually using you. And you guys are going to fuck. You might not fuck the first time, but you're going to fuck. And then you're going to fuck on a regular basis unless you decide you don't want to. And it's going to get weird. This is one of these girls, no matter what, it's going to get fucking weird.

So, all right, I don't know what to tell you here because I don't know all the details, but the smart move here is to not fuck this woman. Okay, people already know there's sexual tension. So if you know she has a boyfriend, they know she has a boyfriend. And you're just going to look like a piece of shit. And the whole thing's going to blow up and it's going to be gossip. And you have any sort of like desire to move up in that country, that company, you're really going to fucking screw that aspect of it up.

There's plenty of fucking women. You're 23 years old. You're in the prime of your fucking life. Go out and fuck somebody else, all right? And that whole thing there, she's got a boyfriend and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I agree with you. That's not your fucking fault. Okay, but the thing about it is what makes it weird is you're going to see this girl again the next day.

And the next day and the next day. You know what's going to happen? In your head, you can be like, yeah, we're just fucking because she said we're just fucking. And she said it isn't a big deal because she said it isn't a big deal. And you know what? She's gradually going to suck you into having a fucking relationship with her and you're going to end up having to break up with somebody that you're not even going out with at fucking work. And then she's going to make your life a living hell.

This fucking girl, not only could she not keep her goddamn legs closed, you know she can't keep her fucking mouth shut. She's going to talk to somebody else and the whole thing is going to fucking blow up, all right? So, my advice to you is don't fuck this girl. Have a mature conversation with her and say, look, it'd be one thing if you were single, but you're not. You have a boyfriend. I feel bad. I met the guy.

You want to move in with him. You want to get married. This is the way you do it. You just said, I just, I really find you attractive. I would really love to hook up with you, but I just, I can't, I wasn't raised that way. You just back out of it that way and just get the fuck out of it, man. I'm telling you. Unless you haven't been laid in a while and you don't give a shit about your job,

then just fucking bang a right on your goddamn desk in front of the security cameras, you know? Put your website, write it on your back. And you know what? Fucking come right in her face. Give this dirty whore what she fucking deserves, you know? But other than that, I'm telling you, the downfall of men, it's our dicks. Our dicks get us in more fucking goddamn trouble than anything else. And if you can somehow make a rational decision, despite the fucking moron shit your dick is saying,

your dick is like that diva wide receiver on the football team screaming for the ball, every other play, you know? And you know goddamn well, it's double coverage. Okay. All you need to do is just fucking wind down the last two minutes of the game. And as you fucking douche screaming at you, what are you going to do? You know? That's a tough one.

That's really a tough one. But you know, if you're going to break up with it, just act like you're an honorable human being. And just say, I can't do it because you have a boyfriend. Just say it like you believe it. And then get out of it. And you watch. You watch what happens, okay? There's still going to be fallout to that.

And it just feels like weird. Like you're not like talking to me anymore. Bitch, fuck you. You psycho. You already have a situation on your hands. Please, by the way, I'm actually invested in this emotionally now. I want to know what happens. Please let me know if you fuck her.

If you don't fuck her, what happens, what doesn't happen and all that, all right? Um, Jesus Christ. Jesus, that's a fucking situation. Anyways, all right. Last thing I'm going to read here. Jesus, hour and 10 minutes. Here we go. Um, kill me.

It's the last thing. So I'm 28 and work in education. And I got to tell you why there are no men in education. Not only is there no money in it, but every day I'm surrounded by these women and they suck out my fucking life force. Don't get me wrong. Whenever I say these women, uh, you would think it would be great. Oh, don't get me wrong when I say these women.

You would think it would be great. I work at a night at a nice college. People are nice. There's young tail everywhere. Uh, why I took the job. Okay. All right. All right.

Here we go. Here's another Penn State fucking situation. Um, but every day I want to shoot myself in the fucking head. Let me tell you why. There are three men in the office. We are outnumbered 15 to one. It's me, my boss and one other dude, who might be gay, but either way in my office, but either way, my boss's office is on the other side of the department.

So it's me and about 20 chicks and their constant chick conversation about the stupidest crap for the majority of the day. Uh, yeah, you're basically like some woman who doesn't like sports in a sports bar. I'm going to have to listen to a bunch of idiot guys going, dude, you know, I'll tell you if I'm the jet. So I got to be thinking they're firing on all still all day, dude, all day. You're in, you're in the reverse of that situation. Anyways, most days I ignore it. I just sit in my little fucking cubicle. I put on my music and bang out my work.

But every once in a while, some of this shit happens to infect my eardrums and mind fuck me for the rest of the day. Case in point, today it's Monday and I spent most of the day catching up on all the shit I didn't do. Uh, when I left the office early on, or when I left the office early on Friday. So it was a busy day, but at 440, I'm caught, I'm all caught up and tired. So I'm just fucking around, searching for random shit on the internet. For my last, for my last 20 minutes, you know, when is Bill Burr coming to Seattle, etc. Uh, well, I'm trying to tune everybody out and just go through the last 20 minutes of my day, of my day without committing suicide. I hear, oh my God, that is like the greatest idea ever.

I absolutely need one of those. So, okay, I find myself invested a little bit, a little bit. What could it be? The greatest idea ever? I am intrigued. I don't say shit, but I'm curious. I'm thinking, you absolutely need one, huh? Okay, what could it be?

Maybe my girlfriend will want one. Christmas is coming up. Uh, pretty soon. More girls join in, over in the cubicle next to me. Oh, what a great idea. Oh yeah, my friend Lizzy bought one of those. It's terrific. So I listen over my cubicle wall and I'm like, damn it, what the fuck? It sounds great.

I spent five minutes of my life totally invested. What, what could it be? Tell me, you fucking bitches. So what is it? And I look, it's a fucking scarf organizer. Eight bucks at IKEA. Look it up if you're a fit. Uh, I couldn't fucking believe it.

I never get that five minutes of my life back. It's not that I'm pissed off so much because I let them pull me in to their stupid fucking chick world for a minute, but I was so invested. I am forced to retain some of this stupid shit that I hear. I mean, someday when I'm married and my wife comes at me with some bullshit like, honey, I have too many scarves. I don't know what to do.

And before today, I would have said, you know what? You need to do, you need a fucking coat rack. Yeah, I'll put a two by four on the wall, maybe put some nails in it. You're good to go. You can hang hats and scarves and all your shit problem solved. Or maybe, you know what you need? A trip to the fucking Goodwill.

Get rid of some of that shit. Jesus, this guy's hardcore. But now whenever I hear some random woman bullshit like this in the back of my mind, I hear, Ikea, eight dollars. They got the perfect part, product. Somebody please kill me. Yeah, dude, that's a tough situation. Um, that's a tough, I can't even remember in all of that

if you're still single or not. I guess you are still single. You know, it's so funny. You know, it's so funny is after I told that other guy not to bang the person to work, you should fuck one of those girls at work. You know, just take out all that angst for them wasting your time.

And just give them a strong seven minutes. All right, I got nothing. What do I got? Oh, we're in fucking 11 minutes here. Underrated, overrated for the week. Underrated, beers in the shower. Nothing better than finishing the work and finishing work and having a beer.

Also nothing better than finishing work and having a shower. Combine the two and you're the most more relaxed than having a pull without the effort of getting hard. Sorry, I butchered the reading of that. You know, I actually talk about some guy in intervention who described starting his day drinking a beer in the shower,

which I thought was disgusting. And by the time he was done, I was like, that's the greatest beer commercial I've ever seen in my life or heard, I should say. Overrated, taking a lady on a date to see your show. Don't get me wrong, the anti-social network comedy tour was awesome. Oh, you mean my show.

You guys were fucking hilarious, but as an average dude with an average dick and a tiny bank account, all I've got to give me an edge is my sense of humor. And after a few hours of laughing her ass off at the show, she was so stretched out by the proverbial 12-inch comedy cocks that you guys are swinging, she couldn't even feel me. Ah.

Yeah, no, she could have, dude. She could have done it, come on. You're gonna make me feel guilty because I went up there and danced like a monkey? It wasn't my fault, I opened. All right? Don't blame me, blame those other beasts on the show. All right, that's it.

Ah, we kind of petered out there in the ending, didn't we? Didn't we? Oh, go fuck yourselves. That's the podcast for this week. I hope you guys enjoyed it. I hope it made you laugh. I do one of these every Monday. If you're new to my podcast,

I probably should have said that at the beginning. The official podcast page of the Monday Morning Podcast is type in www.vmmpodcast.com. You can send emails there. There's a donation button. We got a ringtone somewhere on there that nobody can find for some reason. Ah.

And that's it. DVDs and I got new Monday Morning Podcast T-shirts on billbird.com if you'd like to buy those. And if you don't, I don't give a shit, you know? I'm not trying to break your bank. I'm not trying to break your balls. You know? You want one?

Fucking get one. If you don't, don't. I don't give a shit. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Let's go Patriots. Win by 14. See you. Even though woolly mammoths have been extinct

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