Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-21-16

Episode Date: November 21, 2016

Bill rambles about Top Gun, sting ays and putting on weight.

Hey what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, November 21st, 2016. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? Oh, I'm doing good, man. I hope you guys are doing... Oh, it's a holiday weekend. Doobie, doobie, doo. In school to leap-op, you only have to work three days unless your boss is a fucking cunt. There's always other ones too. Or if you're fucking self-employed. Or if you're not happy with your home life. You'll come up with a reason, right? To go back into work just to fucking avoid it. Yeah, you know what? This year, because we've been getting the fucking kitchen done. We don't have time to cook or anything. So we're actually going to a friend's house for Thanksgiving, which is great. Because they live in the same city as us, so we don't have to go to the fucking airport, right?

All these fucking people, waddling around. You know, those people, just oblivious of other people. You know, it's a great fucking human being, just totally being all about yourself, oblivious moment. It's when fucking people, you know, there's a whole herd of people just riding down an escalator. And people, like, the second they step off it, they don't keep walking and get the fuck out of the way. They're just all fucking oblivious. It's like, you were just on the escalator. There's 50 people in front of you, 100 people behind you. Touchdown fucking Redskins! Sorry, I got the game on. What a fucking throw. What the fuck is going on with the Packers this year, man? I don't fucking get it.

Anyway, sorry about the screaming there. You know, you got 50 people in front of you, you got 100 fucking people behind you. You know, and people are getting off, they're kind of meandering, and you're on the escalator thinking, go, go, get out of the way before we all fall down on each other, right? If you're any sort of a thinking human being, going like, oh, assessing the problem. Well, in fucking eight seconds when I become that person, I'm going to get the fuck out of the way. So whoever the fuck is 20 people behind me will not be having this panic moment because of me. Going to become part of the solution, not the fucking problem, right? I don't even know what I'm talking about at this point. I can't even remember the point I was trying to make.

But what, oh, I know what I'm saying. Yeah, the kind of fucking people like, you know, what was I talking about? Thanksgiving. That's right, right? So we're going to fucking, I have no idea what point is, you know what I mean? I just said a bunch of shit. I hope it was funny because God knows there was no point. And I think that actually is the point of the Monday Morning Podcast for all you people out there, you know, who tend to take it unbelievably seriously. Those of you out there who think that I influenced the fucking election. Isn't that hilarious? Seven billion dollars was spent to get Trump and all these fucking people a chance to get elected. But you know, that all goes out the window. The second some fuckhead who can't even read out loud does a podcast all out the window. I'll tell you, if that's true, I'm going to start, I'm going to start charging more for my fucking advertising.

You know what I mean? Maybe I'll use that as a selling point in 2017. Evidently, I was, I was the reason Trump got into fucking office. Oh, Jesus, hey, hey, Trump supporters, you liking what you're seeing so far? You liking these fucking, you know, you thought Trump was old. Look at the fucking people he surrounded himself with. Jesus Christ, if they're not in a Nazi fucking movie, they're like 450 fucking years old, Rudy Giuliani. This is like when some old hair metal band gets back together again thinking they're going to put out a fucking relevant album. You're not. It's over. You had your time. It's fucking done.

You know what I mean? These guys are going to get the fucking band back together and start singing about what? Girls in a strip club and the devil, maybe the PMRC or whatever the fuck people used to sing about back in the day. I don't pretend to know. You know, we will fuck you the way all these fucking people. By the way, I got to give a shout out to somebody. What's her name from Cosmopolitan magazine, Laura Beck calling out SNL for the horseshit that that was, that was that opening. Completely agreed when they were singing the woman who plays Clinton. Hillary Clinton played alleluia.

And it was kind of confusing. Like is was this a tribute to fucking Leonard Cohen dying or what? What's this a political fucking statement? And she kind of called him out going, didn't you guys have Trump as a fucking host while he was running for president? And all of a sudden, you know, you helped promote the guy, didn't you? I mean, shit if I did by trashing both fucking people, right? She actually said it was bullshit. It was fucking hilarious. It's a great read. I'll give you guys a link to it. But I mean, it's a TV show. That's what they do.

They did that to a buddy of mine. They did that to fucking Dane Cook. They had him fucking host it twice. He made him a bunch of fucking money with high ratings. Then all of a sudden there's a little blip on the fucking internet, you know, tied turns a little bit. And then they use him as a fucking cheap joke when he wasn't even, he wasn't even on the show. That's what they do over there. That's what they do in this business. They're not your fucking friends. See, that's why you know what you do. You stay where I stay, right?

My little cave, you do a podcast by yourself and then no one can hurt you. Anyways, so I, every time I do a stand up special, you know, it ends up being a little bit too long, at least the last couple of ones. So you start thinking, what if you take this out here? What if you do a little fucking thing here? And you end up fucking the whole thing up. What you really have to do is you just got to, you got to cut off a limb, you know, you got to remove a kidney. Basically, you just got to take out a chunk.

And I figured out what chunk it was going to be, or I had an idea that that's what I wanted. And then the director J had the same idea. We took it out and it flows and it went from a too long of a special. Now it's like fucking perfect. And now we're going to, and all I've seen at this point is just the raw feet of it. So it's not even like an HD and it looks way over lit. It's kind of my fucking pasty goddamn whitehead. I look like an asshole and it still looks like a good special.

So I'm very excited. I got that done. Efforts for family second season. We're starting to fucking, you know, tighten these things down for the final fucking edit. And then next month I'm going to start the process of, which should be a quick edit, is editing the audio from what I did Madison Square Garden a year ago for the New York Comedy Festival. Sorry hiccups. New York Comedy Festival.

I didn't almost get emotional there. New York Comedy Festival. And then once I get, I get all that shit done, right? Then I'm just like done. I'm done. I can just enjoy the rest of the fucking year. I got nothing to do really, right? And then then it starts all over again in January.

You know, it'd be nice if I did cardio for the rest of the week and just, you know, then I can fucking throw down. That's another good thing about going to somebody's place for the holidays. They got to clean up. You know, you don't leave with a bunch of fucking food. It's going to be good. I'm excited about when he wants me to make this fucking stuff. And I knew she wouldn't let me just go over there.

It's like, why can't I just be the 12 pack guy? You know, that's the best guy. You put on a sweater, right? You go over there, you make people fucking laugh. You show up with like a 12 or fucking whatever, whatever the fuck you want. You know, I tried this IPA lately and I'm really not an IPA guy. I go in and out of that shit. I usually drink, just drink shit that's considered a white trash beer.

And cause I just like getting fucked up, you know, I'm not into the taste. I just want to get fucked up, right? And I know what you guys are saying. Well, those IPAs have a fucking high alcohol content. I don't give a shit. They're fucking, they're heavy. Fucking heavy as hell. But I tried this one.

It was called the green line and I got it. I don't even, cause they only had a couple beers at this place. It was this foofy fucking place and I just wanted a beer and they were, that's one of the only ones they had. I actually really liked it. Reminded me of living in Boston fucking going out to fucking Chestnut Hill and the green line dude, Kenmore square, go to the fucking socks. Rich get me dude.

He's the next Captain Fisk. Gary Allinson. Oh Jesus. There's a couple of Red Sox names from way back in the day. Anyways, I tried that shit. I actually really liked it and I don't even want to, I'm just fucking talking in circles cause I haven't been home. Haven't been to my house in like fucking two months and I've had it.

Me and Nia have been living on top of each other and you know, I don't know about her, but I'm pretty sick of us being this close to one another. So hopefully Tuesday we get back in the fucking place. Oh, nice fucking throw. Aaron Rodgers over the top. DB complain and say, and he fucking pushed off. Of course you're going to say that. That's what you say when a guy fucking,

when a tight end beats you that deep as a fucking corner. How the hell does that happen? How do you let that happen? I ask you guys, he pushed him within five yards. I think that was all right. Anyways, how about those Bruins, huh? Handle in Winnipeg. I was all nervous there.

The top two scorers in the league. What did we do? We put fucking three of them, three goals in the second period. I do score it. Fucking Marcia and fucking Bergey, Belsky, whatever the fuck his name is. And then I don't know the fucks. We actually went up four nothing, one four to one. That's another thing.

When I get back, I got my Bruins and Celtics package. I started watching that shit so I can really start boring you guys with the sports talk. I didn't see the Patriots game today because I've been running around. I haven't been spending time with my wife, so I took her out someplace today. She'll come on later, tell you all about it. But all I know is it's the usual shit. All my fucking friends who were Pat's fans. Like, dude, why'd we trade Chandler Jones?

Why'd we get rid of Jamie Collins? I fucking defense stinks, dude. Everything was, you know, what should have been an easy game. I guess evidently wasn't. But I didn't see any of that. I watched the boxing though. Who the fuck that Russian guy, that Igor Larianov? Was that his fucking name?

Whatever. It was a real hacky Russian name was Sergei Kovalev, which is like every Russian guy in the NHL. He's either his first name is Sergei or his last name is called. That's really like the John Smith of Russian names. So he's fighting this American dude. So I got to go for the fucking American. And I got to tell you something, the fucking first, first fucking round. All right, Igor Larianov comes out and he fucking punches Andre Reed.

Is that the guy's name? Or is that the guy in the bills? I can't fucking remember. I'm not a big boxing fan. I love the sport. I love it. But it's been ruined. It's been ruined because every three pounds is a new weight class that has yet another fucking champion.

And then there's like 15 different fucking boxing federations. It's a shit show. Like there's more boxing divisions than there are podcasts. And I'll tell you that's ain't some because there's a lot of them out there. You know what I mean? When I was a kid, it was like, it was like fly weight. It was like fly weight, feather weight, middle weight, welter weight, heavy weight, something like that.

I can't remember. I can't remember the fucking divisions. Now I have things like this, like 15 offshoots of each one of them. It's like those superhero movies. Like back in the day, like Superman was in a Superman movie. Batman was in a bat. They didn't fucking know each other. They weren't all hanging out at the same place.

Maybe on the Super Friends they were. Super Friends they did at the Hall of Justice. But they only did that when they drew it. But they never had that in movies. You know what I mean? Superman was Christopher Reeves. That was his fucking shit. And see Batman, right?

Oh, they had Michael Keaton. Remember that? And he was all sweaty in the locker room with just a towel around him wearing the bat mask. And he got in the face of Val Kilmer. And he was like, that's right. Iceman. I am dangerous. And then Val said, clicked his fucking teeth together.

And then they all played volleyball, you know, and then they were playing volleyball. Aquaman didn't come out of the ocean. Did he? You know what I mean? Look at a Batman being like, take my breath away. Do-do-do. You know, Kelly McGillis gets in an invisible jet. I can't remember the fucking names I remember from that movie.

I saw that movie a bunch of times. That was one that I owned on VHS. When I could thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Right. I was in high school and everybody went and wanted to get a fucking Ninja motorcycle and fucking fly F-16s.

You know, inverted. We all thought we were going to do that. You know, there's every once in a while like a movie comes out and you're like, you know what? I'm going to fucking do that. Right. And then what happens? You know what happens?

Geometry, Algebra 2 and trig. All of that happens. And then you're like, oh, oh, wait a minute. Wait. I thought I was going to fly Jets. Is that what I thought was going to happen? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm going to be a salesman.

You know, I make people laugh. You know, I, you know, I come into a room. I make people feel good. What do you got a product? I'll do it. Are you sick of cutting potatoes like this? What if you had that? I like the guy with the John Riggins fucking jersey in the crowd at the Redskins game.

And 44 was always a badass fucking number. That was always a fullback number when I was growing up. John Riggins, Robert Newhouse, you know, Chuck Forman. I think he was a run back. Was he 44? That was a badass fucking number. Reggie Jackson, you know, this guy Starks. He's got to live.

That's a, that's a fucking legendary number. I wonder how many fucking Hall of Famers were 44. I fucked that. How many fucking just like skirts were 44? Not a lot. Everybody ever wore 44 was a tough motherfucker, right? I like to think John Riggins broke my heart, man. I was a big time Cowboys fan back then before how about them Cowboys?

When they kicked out Tom Landry and Tech Shram, that was just the worst. You know, I thought Tom Landry was going to be there forever. You know, I was young. I didn't know. I didn't know people get old and it passes them by fucked up, right? And I hated the fucking Redskins for beating the Cowboys so much that when they were in that Super Bowl, actually rooted for the dolphins. And I hated the fucking dolphins because we can never beat them.

And when Riggins broke through the line and whoever the fuck that was on the dolphins that came by and just grabbed him by the waist and slid down him like a greased fucking pole, and he just kept running that dead. It killed me. Was it AJ Dewey? I don't fucking remember. Anyways, how much time have I done here? Is it time for the fucking read yet?

I don't think so. Hey, Nia, you want to come in here and tell people about your day? I got to tell you this shit, right? So, I haven't been, you know, I've been fucking busted in my ass. You know, I was getting ready to do the special and then editing all that bullshit I talked about earlier. So, you know, if you don't spend time with your wife, all of a sudden your wife gets all upset with you, like, oh, you don't spend time with me and boo-hoo-hoo.

I have fucking needs. Hey, Nia. Who are you talking about? I'm just, I'm doing a character. What the fuck did I do with the microphone? There's the microphone. There's the microphone. All right.

Hello. Talk to me. Hello. Talk to me, goose. Hello. So, anyways, yeah, I haven't been spending time with you. So, I figured today, you know what? I got to go, I got to do something.

I got to do something. So, I took my wife to go see Casablanca today while the Patriots were on. I got to get credit for that, okay? So, I thought it was at this old theater. I was telling you about these guys on, I think Thursday I was telling them about it. There was all these old theaters out here that I'm obsessed with where they had the Oscars throughout the years. Yeah.

I just think of all the great comedians and actors and directors and everything that have been on them. I love that sense of history, right? Mm-hmm. So, you got the Pantages. You got the fucking, who's in the What's Out in Santa Monica, Kodak Theater, all these fucking places. So, I just remember that one from the 80s that I always saw.

I guess it was in downtown L.A. Maybe that's the one down the other way. I don't fucking know, but I just looked them up, and I was like, you know what? I'd love to do maybe a show there, or I might want to do, you know, just go to something. And I looked up that one downtown, and it said, there was just a bunch of orchestras there, and then it said it was Casablanca. I'm like, I fucking love Humphrey Bogart. I'll take Nia to go see that shit. So, we go down, and of course we show up in the theater I want to go into.

There's nobody there. They're like, oh, yeah. Yeah, it's not here. It's at the theater next door. There's a little old couple. So, you go up, and we're walking around the theater. It's completely deserted. I'm already starting to curse up a fucking storm.

Yeah, Bill's already getting hot. I'm going to fuck that. I was on the fucking website. I looked it up. I looked it up twice. And I did. I looked it up twice. There's a little old couple who are walking with their little bonnets on, because it was

raining outside. Yup. Bill asked, like, is this where they're having the movie? I was a little more frantic than that. Yeah. Like, you guys coming from the movie? You're old. That was my energy.

And they said, oh, it's across the street at the concert hall. And you had a, you're one of your classic, you made the mistake, and so you started having a little meltdown. I didn't make a mistake, because if you looked the fucking theater up, and you looked at the calendar. Okay. And it says it was at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion. No, you click on calendar events, and then it just, it lists, and it lists that.

But I think the same person owns the theater. It's very fucking, you know, it's like buying a car. Yeah, we got it this lot. And all of a sudden you're down the street, it's like you're in Goodfellas. Yeah, a little further down. I don't know, Jimmy. I think I'll pick it up tomorrow. That's what they did to me.

Well, anyway, it was across the street at the Walt Disney concert. At the symphony looking thing that looked like a fucking exploded golf ball. It's by Frank Gehry. It's like one of the most impressive pieces of architecture. That's like the drummer from Extreme, isn't it? No, it's a very famous architect. If you don't like what you see here, get the fuck out. What?

Get the fuck out, get the fuck out, get the fuck out. What are you singing? We won't try to. It's one of the whitest trying to be funky songs ever. Get the fuck out. That one. And then there's the some big John is my name. Anyway, this building, my game, it's one of the worst songs.

This building was one of the most like impressive, you know, pieces of architecture in Los Angeles. It's a beautifully designed space. And Bill was just like, I couldn't help but laugh at you because you were just muttering and cursing and stomping around in the rain. I don't want to go into this one. I want to go into this theater. I don't want to see this one. I hate that super modern shit.

I've done shows in those stupid symphony fucking things. You feel like you're in front of like the council in one of those Superman movies. Well, you're like down there all fucking up above you when they're behind you. I fucking hate those things. So I was like, I don't want to fucking go into this thing. So I end up showing but it's like, I got to take it to this thing. It's fucking raining out. So Nia's all like, well, we'll go to that theater another time when it's a different event.

Yeah. I'm trying to like calm you down because it's not, we're going to another building. No big deal. You know, we're going to go see and then what happened? We go. So we show up and I go, hey, can I get, and I literally said to you go, now we're going to fucking go to this stupid ass fucking theater. It's probably in some small room.

It's going to be you, me and four other old people. And the movie's almost ready to start. Right. So we fucking show up and I go up to the booth and I go, yeah, I need two tickets to Casablanca and the person's like, oh, I don't know if there's any tickets left. And I'm like, what are you talking about? It's raining. It's Sunday.

Football's on. This fucking movie's like 80 years old. And then who's going to come see you? Like, I don't know. I got a check. Right. And then she finally goes, well, you can't, they're actually be found too. And I'm like, thank Christ.

Trying to do something romantic here. It's not the right fucking theater. Now they're going to be sold out. She goes, you got to go down two windows. I say, fine. I kept my cool there. Right. The rain had rained enough on my steam and head that I walked over.

It cools you off a little bit. Cool me off a little bit. And I walk home. I go, let me get two. And I, they go, okay. And then the guy goes, okay, that's going to be $161. Right. I go, $161.

He goes each. And we both were like, wait, what are you talking about? So it turned out. No way. So this is what it turns out. I think this is way too loud here. Turn this down here. It turns out that, um, what was happening was the LA Philharmonic was going to be playing

the film score while you watch the movie. It turns out this was a major LA cultural event that was basically sold out. Bill thought it was just going to be a movie, just like a screening for a few old people and us. It turns out it's this major event. Everybody's got on like sport coats and fucking dresses and shit. I'm sitting there, my wet hoodie going on. $161.

What the fuck? Humphrey Bogart in there. What the fuck's going on? Right. View the, view the body. Aaron Eckhart, it like introduces the fucking movie. So you know, you know, when you just don't give a shit, I just said, fuck it. So I light up the card and I go, let's go in there.

And then I start getting this feeling of like, this might be, this might be fucking amazing. And then there's all these ushers walk around hitting these things that are going boom. Like letting people know that, you know, the whole like, you don't want to disturb rich white people that things are about ready to start, whatever that fucking instrument is called. And they fucking go in there. We go in there and like, it's like, holy shit. Like we're going to listen to the LA Philharmonic while we watched Casablanca and how fucking

great was it? It was amazing. It was such an awesome experience. So Bill kind of fumbled, fumbled his way into a really amazing Sunday afternoon. Romantic day. And I get no credit. I get no credit because I picked the wrong fucking theater. I just totally stumped.

So I can't even be like, huh, you see that with the orchestra? I picked that out on purpose. I completely didn't know idea. Well, I feel like you definitely get points for you seeing that you saw something cultural going on. And they're like, oh, that sounds cool. Like Nini would like that and we went and it turned out to be amazing. So it was, it was great.

Yeah. It was a Hail Mary. It wasn't even a Hail Mary. It was just like the actor came out and introduced the movie. Oh, not the oil man. Is there another famous Aaron Eckhart? I don't know. Are you being sarcastic on being a dick right now?

Was he in no country? Was he in no country? No country. Old man. He was in that. Get out of your bitch in the company of men. Yes. And he was in Sully.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The mustache. Yes. He was in that movie. He was in that movie, which that was a movie. That was a movie.

They made up. They made it. Evidently they made up all of this other shit. It was just that movie was so fucking boring. Can I just say that you don't have to say it. I'll say it. Come on. It's Clint Eastwood.

It was wrapping ports in it. Jerry's in it. There's a bunch of. Yes. We have friends that are in that movie, but that. Oh, are we a Hollywood couple? Our friends are in it. That movie was so boring because you know why?

Because nobody. This is something that sounds so terrible, but nobody died. Nobody got. No, he nailed it. Like it was. He nailed it. He put it right. What are you supposed to put it?

Yeah, there's no. Hey, both my engines went out at 1500 feet. Should I try to land it in the water or fly back over the most densely populated area in the United States? So he put it in the water. Everyone survived. The whole thing took in real life 24 minutes for everyone to get rescued. It's like, what is the movie about?

Well, they had to have them have to. You got to have the evil corporate guys going, you couldn't save the jet. Yeah. Could you push some people out on the way over? It just wasn't exciting. Tom Hanks is a wonderful actor. All the acting was great in it. I want to see you play a serial killer.

I'm so sick of him always being doing the right thing. That's not his brand. That's not Tom Hanks' brand. He's not a serial killer. Did he die in Save and Private Ryan? Spoiler alert. Remember he was just sitting there firing at the tank? You never saw that?

No. I'm not into those kind of, I'm not into war movies. It's not a war movie. Saving Private Ryan is not about a war. No. And soldiers that die in it? Well, I mean, that's literally what it is, but it's more of a metaphor. It is?

Yeah. Saving Private Ryan is a metaphor? It's a metaphor. Yeah. It's a metaphor. Please explain. You don't even know what you're talking about. Do you even know what a metaphor is?

It's an incredible fucking movie. All right. I believe you. All right. Okay. Well, you kind of just killed your credibility to say Sally's boring and then you're like, yeah, I'm not into war movies. Saving Private Ryan is one of the most unbelievable fucking movies I've ever saw.

Why does that kill my credibility? Just because I didn't like something. Because I said so. Oh, I see. That's how it works. One thing has to do with the other. I don't know. You've been bugging me lately.

Why? Yeah, I don't know. I don't want to be a dick, but are you putting on weight? Excuse me? You're like putting on weight every fucking month. You're getting bigger and I keep telling you to fucking do something about it. I have a condition. You have a condition.

What is that condition? It makes me bigger and bigger every month. I'm having a baby. Yeah, the laugh factory fucking tweeted that out. So I guess we got to announce it. Yeah, I'm going to be a fucking father. We're going to be parents, everybody. Are you so excited for us?

Do you know what it is? They don't give a shit. I'm actually... I think they do. People have been married. People who have, you know who you are who have already tweeted on it. Stay offline. Stay offline.

Don't become that person. I feel like people care. Listen. Why? Because it's going to bring out all the people who have nasty things to say about it. No, because people have lives. But people have been actually been very sweet. What?

What? What? No, you know what it is? You're watching those fucking, those ladies screaming at each other too much and the ones where they sit around. You know, one of the funny things I saw lately was when you had the fucking Kardashians on with the sound down. Yeah.

So much of the footage as them just looking at each other with their fucking mouth kind of open like slack jaw because someone else is talking over the top just going, I just feel like when Mandy said to Sandy that she, you know, she couldn't go during the nose job trip, I felt that she was upset. And as the person's talking, they just cut to their faces. They're like, I can't, it's official. They look like those little pouty cats. Okay.

Let me know. Okay. I don't know what that has to do. I don't know. I just want you to turn this into a Kelly Ripper moment. Guys. And this is what we're just makes me feel like, you know, I'm starting to understand why Michael Strahan left that show.

So anyways, yeah, it's official. It is confirmed. All right. No, it is. And I'm, and I'm just gonna, I'm not gonna be one of these fucking assholes. You're very though. You're like, you're begrudgingly talking about it. And I understand why.

I understand. No, because I fucking hate parents. You hate parents. I hate. And like, the ones on, you know, this is the hardest fucking job. Yeah. The most rewarding job, like, blah, blah, blah. And you know, and then they all say it.

They all fuck, even like Chuck Yeager would say some shit like that. It's like, really, dude, flying a fucking jet up into space, like trying to get a kid's fucking backpack on for first grade is more difficult than what the fuck you just went through up there. You know what I mean? I think that they play Kate to fucking, is that the right word? To Joe Sixpack. Well, they gotta be like, but the real heroes. Panda. Panda.

The real people out there, the real heroes out there, the people out there. They're there. They're there. They're making the tuna fish sandwiches, cutting it into four fucking pieces. You had sex and you didn't use protection. That's what you did. And now here you are. All right.

You're not Tom Hanks pretending to land a fucking plane into the Hudson River. Okay. You did. It's not exactly the miracle on the Hudson. No. So all Billy Booze bags going to get a couple more rights and left in before the little one comes. And then I'm going to be, I got to be, I got to be so, I got to pick my spots.

Is that, is that the idea? Is that's what's been happening that you've just going to go on like a little bit of a bender? Yeah. I've been on a bender the whole fucking year. And then when the baby comes, you're going to just like cut yourself off. Yeah. I mean, what am I doing?

Maybe fucking hung over. I'm going to be that guy. No, I hope not. Yeah. No, I'm not going to do that. No, it's, it's, it's over. It's done. But then I got, I got all this great hooch back at the house.

So I got to kill it. I got to kill it before it comes. You have to like drink all the alcohol before the baby comes. It's not like you're never going to have a drink. I got to make space for like fucking sippy cups and shit. Don't I? Wordle, wordle, wordle. Sucking my bottles down.

They're not going to go on the bar. So you don't have to worry about making space. Well, you know what? Some of my Pappy Van Winkles. You have more of the most spoiled kid ever. When the baby's teething, I'll rub Pappy Van Winkles on his, on his fucking gums. Yeah.

Isn't that what you're supposed to do? I don't know. I don't know. Is that like, that's an old school thing. But I'm already going to do this shit. Like every time the kid cries, I'm not fucking going in there. I'm going to, there's this great book that I read on Norwegian parenting that says that, you know, when the kid starts crying, you just,

you just kind of, you know, you creep up to the, the bed. And then you kind of look in and you just go, knock it off. And then that's it. You scare the shit out of it. And it understands what's going on. You're making fun of what I told you was in the book that I'm reading. By the way, it's 2924 fucking Washington, Green Bay just scored.

This is a great game. This reminds me of one of those old San Diego Chagy games. Are you watching the football game while you're doing the podcast? Well, I don't know. I just thought that's a, that's not a push in the back. Get the fuck out of here. Look at you. Anyways, what were we talking about?

Oh, yeah. Having a kid. Yeah. Only the biggest moment in our relationship ever, you know, no big deal. Well, let's see what happens. Yes. We've been going to like fucking Lamar's classes and shit.

Jesus fucking Christ. The classes have been great. The classes have been great, but this, this, this is how far the fucking progressive left has gone. There's a fucking line for when she comes in, it says, mom, will you sign up and me, I'm thinking finally name of mother, name of mother. And then I'm like, and then my call, I'm like, I'm finally going to be called a

dad after almost living on this planet for half a fucking century. And it just says partner fucking ridiculous. And what kills me is everybody in there, heterosexual, all in a fucking relationship. Everybody there was, was there was all straight couples, straight couples and all the dads were there. Yeah. Yeah.

That's true. And she keeps going. Coaches. I swear to God, dude, I'm going to show up with a fucking whistle next week. The fucking Bill Belichick hoodie and shit. What the fuck are you talking about? She said I get, I get, she's probably going to get in trouble.

She said dad's twice last class. I didn't hear it. I'm too busy muttering under your breath. Every time she says coaches, I say fathers or fathers. I'm not trying to cut out gay people or people who got banged behind a fucking Carl's Jr. You know what I mean? But what about us?

That's the solution. I thought it's inclusive. You're supposed to include people. I'll take second and third billing behind alternative people. What did you think of that birthing video that we watched the last class? Oh, Paulie's placenta. Yeah, that was tremendous. I don't know.

I don't even know why I'm there, Nia. It's all going to go out the fucking window. The doctors and nurses are going to tell you what to do. I'm just there for you to fucking yell at me. It's so fucking stupid. If I was going through gallbladder surgery or whatever, you would not be in there holding my fucking hand. It's so dumb.

This is just classic, you guys. You got the shit under the stick on this thing, and somehow you figured out a way to drag us in there. I'll tell you right now, I'm staying north of that fucking sheet. And when that guy comes in and goes, hey, hey, you want to hook up your own cable? No, I don't. That's what the fuck I'm paying you for.

I don't want you to be below the blanket. Below deck? I'm going to have performance problems for the next three months because I keep picturing my kid's head coming out of your twat. No, I'm not doing that. I shouldn't be in there. Am I fucking in mash? You said after you watched the movie,

you leaned over to me and you said, I understand now why the guy is in there. You did something. Yeah, to get yelled at. No, that's not what it was. It was to provide comfort. Nia, you're killing my fucking image here. Okay.

Stop showing. Fuck your image. Dad now. Get over it. Fuck your image. No, so I'm going to be, yeah, I'm going to be a sober dad, but on the road. Oh, I'm ripping it up.

Yeah. Oh, just like every other comic out there, you fucking hack. I told you my last podcast, I was going for a Boston accent word and I realized that I was going to get in trouble if I said it. So then I had to switch to cons.

I was like, I'll talk to you, lady. Oh, yeah. You fucking cool. Fucking Ben Bailey looks at me. He's like, once I was like, yeah. It's a new day. I'm going to get in trouble if I say anything. I don't mean anything.

Bye. So. Yeah, don't, don't end up like Kanye and have everybody be mad at you. Oh, he's going to be fine. He knows what the fuck he's doing. He was yelling. I mean, to be honest with you,

I don't understand those shows anyways. There's no band. Everybody's standing with their cell phones on and there's somebody rapping and then they're just sticking them out. It's for young kids. They love it. And I'm not going to go there like,

you think this is music? I'm not going to be that guy. Right. Stay away from them. I'm going to go see Casablanca in the rain with a bunch of old people. By the way, Nia, Yes.

Did you see during the break those old people trying to walk? Holy fucking shit. Yeah. I cannot stress stretching and getting a massage if you can afford to do it once a month. It was brutal.

Jeez. A lot of hunched over people. Yeah. A lot of people roughly my fucking age too. Having limps and shit. Like, what the fuck do you guys do? You know, look, some of them probably fought in a fucking war.

I was kidding to open. I'm just saying, generally speaking, you know what I mean? I know, maybe we should give them a break. Dude, they didn't all fight in a fucking war. You know what I mean? They weren't all on the front lines, as I'm saying. A lot of those people with peeling potatoes

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This means you spend too much fucking money. You know exactly what it means. Don't play dumb with me. What? Are you calling me in here to attack me? I was stepping out so you can read the advertising, and I was going to come back when you're done. Yeah, and I subtly gave you shit,

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You want to answer a few questions before we get the fuck out of here? Sure. Before we get the fuck out of here. What's the score to the game, Nia? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. What's the score to the game, Nia? I didn't buy myself that watch that I have, by the way. I didn't say you did. You just taken the bait, Nia. I'm just breaking your fucking ovaries over there. What is the score to the fucking game? I'll just show them the highlights.

All right. Hey there, Billy Clairvoyant. You probably didn't notice this because I doubt you listen back to your own podcast, but there have been throwback parallels. I actually listen to my podcast as I upload them. I just listening to them. I don't know why I do.

He loves the sound of his own voice. That's not true. I've learned to love it. When you first hear your own voice, you don't like it. Now I can't live without it. I work around with headphones in my house just listening to my own podcast. When Andrew cuts together the clips,

he uses the same date from eight years ago. Last Thursday was from November 17th, 2008. Oh, he told me he does that. That's cool. He said in that episode you made a reference to Cash Cab, which was hosted by your guest this week, Ben Bailey. Also, a couple of weeks ago when you first mentioned watching Westworld, the throwback clip,

had you mentioned the original Westworld, once again, eight years ago to the day. Yeah, back then, that's when I wanted to buy the rights to it. Until I realized it was zillions of dollars. And I was like, oh, forget it. Bye-bye, everybody. I had my whole representation all excited. Like, is he going to do something like this?

He did a piece of this? And I was like, oh, that's too much money. He said, I'll be on the lookout for more of these in hopes to exploit your magic. Love you, love Nia. Well, that's all. Love you, too, boo. That's all due to what's his face?

Andrew, like, I think he tries to find the parallel. So that's his homework, not mine. All right, Thanksgiving recipe. Hey there, Billy White Meat. I liked it. Billy White Meat. Bill Burr, the other white meat. The other white meat.

Hey there, Billy White Meat. What are you going to teach us to cook this year? If I don't get another cooking video like the pie crust masterpiece, I'm boycotting the season. I'm the single one of my siblings. And last year I showed up with the pie and waited until everyone was done to let them know I made it. Then I showed them your video and we had some

fully belly laughs. I think full belly laughs is what you want to say. Don't let me make, don't let me make, let my family down. Don't let me let my family down by letting me down. Okay. Thanks for all the free laughs. Hearing you get through that sentence. I know.

My eyes are always 10 words ahead of what I can fucking remember. I think that's what happened. So maybe I'm just dumb. It's going to be sad when our kids are better reader than me. Fucking six months in. Our baby's going to teach you how to read.

He's going to read you a book at night. Whenever I've read to like my nieces and nephews, like there's a point when they stop looking at the book and they just turn around and look at me. And then it's like more pressure. And I'm literally reading like, the rabbit goes hop, hop, hop, hop. It doesn't go hop.

It hops. A cow goes moo. Maybe that helps you out there fucking old and bald. Well, I feel like last year, like making a pie crust was like a real fucking skill that I had. Like I don't know what else to show you guys how to make. You know, if Nia lets me get this fucking griddle that I want to get.

Oh my God, this griddle. Oh my God, this fucking griddle. It's like you love when I cook, but you don't want to, you don't want to, you know what I mean? It's like you like your freedom, but you don't want to see how it happens. You're the same way with food. You know, touchdown fucking redskins.

God damn it. Because I don't, what are you trying to do here? You're trying to get like every fucking invention that has to do with cooking or grilling or smoking or frying. You want to buy it. And it's just like, where are we going to put all this shit? Okay. Let's list all the shit that I've bought.

I'm not saying that you've bought it all. I'm saying that you want to buy it. And why I do want to buy it all. And why haven't I bought it all? Because there's no room for it. And who determined that? I mean, oh, another missed extra point. Who determined that, Nia?

You decided that. I thought it was a mutual. It wasn't. All right. I had a buddy of mine was going to hook me up with a Smoker, pellet smoker. You said no. Well, because he tried to act like he told me it was a

size of a typewriter. He was doing me a solid. Then when he actually showed it to me, he was like, come here, let me show you, let me show you what it looks like. And then I looked at it and I'm like, and what universe is this the size of a typewriter? It was the size of a small fridge. I said it's like a sewing machine.

He goes, oh, yeah, yeah, it's more like a sewing machine. I'm like a sewing machine that's not a typewriter. Can I tell you something, Nia? That's why guys are great. That's why I love that dude forever because, you know, we do that for each other. I don't know if women do. I want to speak for you guys, but guys do that for each other.

It's the size of a wallet. We need a kitchen the size of his kitchen in order to do all the things that you want to do. Nia, it's a portable thing. It's on fucking wheels. It's in the back, but we got like three fucking tables in the backyard and I can't get rid of any of those tables for the fucking potato salad.

You know, every piece of furniture I put in the backyard has a function and we have used it in that function. That doesn't make any sense, but you know what I mean. No, what you're doing is you've become the dictator of the fucking backyard. You're the woman. I own the backyard. I own the fucking garage.

If we had a basement, that's my shit. You can have the rest of the fucking house. All right. So what are you saying? I'm saying I'm getting that griddle. Okay. All right. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, you're going to say that until I fucking make you a nice fucking steak and cheese or make some hash browns or make your grand slam breakfast. You've been making all those things without the griddle. You've been making all those things without the griddle. It's because I'm a talented guy. Right. So exactly.

So what do you need all this other stuff for if you're so talented? Because just imagine how good it would taste if I actually had a fucking griddle. Even those fucking stoves that have a griddle, the thing sucks because it's one heat source. So you can't have difference. You can't move it around. You can't play with your heat.

It sucks. It's like this is the temperature. It's a pain in the fucking ass. It's one thing if you've got a pot or a pan, you can take it on the heat, take it off. When you're on your fucking griddle, you want one on, one off, and maybe one a little bit on. Why don't you just get one of those little electric griddles?

What am I, a freshman in college? Once you can put on your counter. Well, when you divorce me. Oh, that's too sad to say. Why would you say that? You ever do that. Why would you ever say that? Because you're asking me as a grown fucking man

to buy divorce-y kitchen products. What the fuck are you talking about? Divorce-y. I'm going to grab some extra packets of ketchup for in the future when I need more ketchup. I've done all that, Nia. I've used chairs for tables. I ate pasta all fucking day in pancakes.

I've done all that. Yes, yes, we know. Yeah. Yeah, you're sick of my self-made man shit. It annoys you, doesn't it? I would eat spaghetti with the prego and the bread because it would fill me up and it would last me all night. That's right.

So I could do all my spots and I would eat pancakes because it kept me the most full when I was on the road. It filled me up like cement. And you know how I'm doing that for the fucking people out there? Women included who want to fucking make something happen. And food's a big thing because you got to fucking have it every day. So you got to have that shit that fills you up, right? Listen, don't let this little ray of sunshine

fucking rain on your parade, okay? I'm here for all you guys. I'm the positive guy. I'm the motivational speaker. Hey, speaking of motivational, what the fuck's going on with the P90X guy? Do you become a vegan or something? Well, first of all, he's not doing P90X anymore.

He's got a different thing late night. Yeah. Yeah, but now Tony Horton, he's looking a little like he's not doing his pull-ups anymore. He's getting older. He's looking like, I don't know, he's looking all veggie. Anyways, so I don't know what I'm going to make this year. I told you.

Oh, you mean for the people? For this guy here. Yeah, you want me to, I'm not showing my secret family fucking recipe of the best stuffing you're ever going to have. Admit it. Most people's stuffing fucking sucks. The stuffing that Bill makes, oh my God, it's so delicious.

And I've never had goods. That's the only stuffing I've ever had that I even like. It's me too. I don't ever like stuffing. It's gross. It's too wet. And it has that bad aftertaste. Yeah, this is nice and crispy and like buttery.

Oh, it's so good. Yeah. When you got that fucking barbecue the other night, you didn't like the cornbread. They put that weird ingredient in there. Oh, fumble. You so and so. Read another question.

Damn it. When the fuck did I become such a Packers fan? There's just certain old NFL teams are like, I see like the Giants. Can you fucking believe that after what they did to my Patriots twice? One flew over the cuckoo's nest. All right.

Hey there, old Billy Bibbit. That's funny. Who's Bibbit? There's a character in one flew over the cuckoo's nest. Oh shit. What's his face downstairs there? An old friend of mine has gone so far down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories that he really can't even function

in society anymore. Oh, that's relatable. Tell him to start telling jokes. He is unable to hold a conversation for two minutes without going off on some rambling horse shit about chemtrails, Freemasons, aliens, and all of that crap. Completely oblivious to the fact that none of us are interested in hearing about all that nonsense

he reads on the internet. It used to be funny. We were driving out west a few years back and he pointed out at some lights moving up in the sky and said, those are the aliens that follow me around. Oh, this sounds like a mental issue, dude. I said, what does that sign on the right said? He said, airport next exit.

And I said, yeah, those are airplanes you jackass. And he said, well, maybe some of them. Wow. He goes, okay, it's been over a decade of that kind of shit and it's gotten way, way worse. Because of this obsession and the resulting paranoia, he can't even hold down a menial job and all of his friends have abandoned ship.

He's become addicted to painkillers. I think he already had a mental issue, man. Yeah, yeah, of course. Has been in and out of rehab centers and hospitals because of bizarre health problems and it's now bordering on full blown schizophrenia. Well, you don't get that from reading conspiracy theories. Yeah, you really kind of did a fucking bait and switch here

with this question. That whole thing in the beginning was just like a red herring. It turns out he's got like serious mental problems. What's a red herring? It's just, it's just a distraction. Exactly. It's something that you think is the cause of, you know, I'm not going to explain it right because I'm tired, but.

Oh, I got to use that excuse sometimes when I use an expression like, oh, Jesus. My brain is mush. Christ. How many points does fucking Aaron Rogers got to put up? You know, it's like Tom Brady. Same thing. How many fucking points does he got to score?

He's got to get no defense. I want to respect his right to believe what he wants to believe, but in the end it has only caused him to lead an increasingly miserable and lonely life that will end in a tragedy and a sparsely attended funeral unless something changes soon. So how the fuck do you bring someone back from so far over the edge? Okay.

Well, he might be exaggerating a little bit with the, maybe he's using schizophrenia as like a fucking filler word there. Like, you know, this guy's a narcissist. This guy's a sociopath. No, but this sounds like paranoid schizophrenia. So it's exactly what it is. Oh, Dr. Hill, are you going to diagnose that on this fucking, wonderfully written fucking email?

Well, considering that I had unfortunately a member of my family who went through this exact thing, I do feel that I recognize it a little bit. Yes. As a matter of fact, I do. Okay. But do you feel like that you can make that diagnosis as someone who is not a doctor?

No, of course not a comedian is not even a podcaster that you can on a podcast done by a comedian as not a doctor diagnose this person that you've never met based on this four paragraph email to come in here. So I'm giving my opinion. I thought you were going to start a song. You asked me to come here. Are you annoyed that that lady singing about all the ingredients?

You get annoyed when black shit goes fucking mainstream and then white people ruin it. Well, I got peas, greens, tomatoes, potatoes. That's you. Yeah, that thing. I swear to God, if that's what my nice little week long run before everyone else, if that was my, if that's what my church was like,

I would, I would go every week if it was only a half hour long. I still, I just can't get into the fucking. I like to sing in part in black churches, but even when the priest, regardless of race, when they get up there and they start saying that this invisible guy gives a shit about me, that's, I just, I tap out. I just can't listen to it. Anyway, he won't have, he, Jesus, Jesus, won't you have that,

that second flat screen downstairs. Your friend needs professional help. You're not going to be able, I like Joel Osteen. He's a very positive guy. Well, you know something he's been out there long enough that you'd think if there was a scandal, it would come out by now, right? This, your friend needs professional help.

This is beyond your, this is beyond your pay grade. Jesus, don't shit on the guy. He might've just been being funny just because. No, no, no, I'm not shitting on him. I'm saying that your, his friend needs help and this is not anything that he is qualified to do. So, cause he's. That's a not much nicer way of saying,

saying it's beyond your pay grade. Hey buddy, go pick up your broom and keep sweeping up. This is the job of people with lab coats. Hold on a second, but what is he, he said like, I respect his right to believe what he wants to believe, but in the end, da, da, da, da. Yeah, I don't, I don't even think he necessarily

maybe even believes, believes it. He's just got, yeah, he's, yeah. He's become addicted to paying clears, have been in and out of rehab centers and hospitals because of bizarre health problems. Yeah, he is now bordering on full-blown schizophrenia. Yeah, I think you just got to be there for him, but maybe just check in on him and say,

Hey, are you taking your meds? Are you going to see your doctor? That type of thing. But sure, I don't think you're going to be able to like help him with this. This is beyond you. Hey, help him. Is that what I just said?

Yeah. You know what's fucking cool is shit. The Redskins still have a band and they actually have a team song. I think that's fucking cool. It's a professional level for some reason that all went away. I hope our baby doesn't get your ADD.

Why? It's worked great for me. Has it? Yeah. Yeah, it has. You name it. I played drums for a helicopter still jokes. You name it.

ADD is a fucking great thing to have. It sucks with some shit, but it sucks when you're in school and you're going to do poorly in school and everyone's going to say you're fucking dumb. But when you get out in the world, man, it's fucking tremendous. It's tremendous.

I know. I run around all day long. You don't have it very, so you don't have it like severely though. You are able to fuck this up. You just fucking, you just get, you know, even get the lab glasses on tonight. Just fucking diagnosing everything.

How do you know what I have it as? Remember when we tried to do that ADD questionnaire and you couldn't even pay attention long enough to answer the questions? Yeah, but part of that was because I was annoyed with it. You want to revisit that real quick? No. Do an old leap of goodie?

All right, Bill, my kid is 14 years old and he wants a drone for Christmas. The drone market is huge with kids these days. When I was a kid, we wanted to fly something for the sake of flying it. Now they all have cameras attached to them and they hover in a real creepy way. He's not a punk, so he won't flip out

if he doesn't get one. His friends have them, so it's not like he'd never use one. If I did get him one, he's not the type of kid to fly it up to someone's window, so that's not the concern. I'm coming from a place like, if I didn't want him to get an earring,

more of don't be that kid. I might be overreacting, but that's just something, but there's just something about drones. What do you think? Congrats on the condition. Thank you. I would say, I agree with you.

No drones. No drones with the cameras. That's too much. The shit I would have fucking done. I would have the hottest chick in the neighborhood. I would have had it out there. Yeah, of course. Hovering near her bathroom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, flying out there. Of course she would. If he's not, then his friends are going to. His friends are going to be like, let's just take it over here and just see. And this is the thing. You know that the person watching is jerking off

if it immediately crashes. So kids are really using drones. Like are they? Is that the hot gift? This Christmas is a drone. For a teenager. I mean, it's, it's an amazing fucking thing.

It really is. I mean, I can't imagine like just flying over a neighborhood to see what your neighborhood looks like from the air or your house. All of that would be cool. But the, the, the possibilities.

The shit that you could do with those things. Yeah. In a, with the juvenile brain. I don't know. I would be nervous. One of the best things my parents did was they never let us play video games.

They never let us play it. They just, you're not getting that. It's going to fuck with your schoolwork. You know, as funny as I still fucked up in school. But the great thing is, is I'm not a fucking 48 year old gamer.

You know, like I just think that's, that's really like, I, I, I, you know, I kind of judge that shit.

Like after a while, like what are you doing? You know what I mean? Don't you want to go outside? Like the amount of time that people spend, you could learn a language, you could learn how to play an instrument. I'm literally doing whatever you get adults do.

You could go out and do the things that I find interesting. The fuck. If you're into video games, go ahead and play it. But I'm glad that I didn't. Cause I, I waste enough time watching fucking sports. I can't imagine.

Cause I told you, I've always said, I tapped out after Grand Theft Auto three. It literally took over my life. I'm so sick of this fucking commercial. Where they show the Ford F 150 with the aluminum bed. And it has, it doesn't have any bed liner.

And they dropped the fucking toolbox into it. And then they show the Chevy with the steel one. This is such bullshit advertising. What it's really is, is I bet the Ford gets better gas mileage cause it has a lighter bed. And then all you do is just put that, the same rubber guard that comes in all pickup trucks.

What kind of a fucking asshole buys a pickup truck and you don't have the bed liner the fuck out of you. Fuck Chevy. You know, I like this Silverado. All right. Thanksgiving debacle. Oh,

Billy turkey legs. Don't get your kid a drone. If you don't want them to have the drone. You're the, you're the parent. All right. Was that another ADD moment that I'd leave it there. I'm in a little debacle with my lady about Thanksgiving.

I want my girl to come to my Thanksgiving, but it starts like only an hour before hers. I'm in a little bit of a debacle with my lady about Thanksgiving. I want my girl to come to my Thanksgiving, but it starts only an hour before hers. But they are in the same time town, mind you. Mine's at my aunt's house and hers is at her parents. Mine starts at 12.

Hers starts at 130. I want her to come to mine for a little bit before hers, but she's not having it because she's got to help her mom cook. Well, this is easy. So you just say you'll be over there fucking 130. And you're just going to make an appearance, which you're going to make a Nazi, your family on Thanksgiving. He said on one hand,

I'm super salty and want to be a huge, and want to make a huge deal about this because I really want her there. And I think she's being selfish. But on the other hand, I understand she's got to help her mom cook and stuff. At least that's her excuse. I know she loves her family, but it really pisses me off because she's never been to my family.

Shit. But I've got gone, I've gone to plenty of hers. Hers' offense is that she's never made me miss any of my family gatherings to go to hers, but my family is a bunch of nutjobs and you get the point. Oh, Billy Burnt Dick. I could use some words of wisdom.

I'm a huge fan. Thanks. And go fuck yourself. Happy holidays. Huge fan. Well, I mean, this is all you're doing. So you can undo all of this.

All right. You know, you just got to put your foot down and just say, listen, I respect, I understand you got to help your mother cook, but I, you know, I want to see my aunt, my family on Thanksgiving.

So I will go over there. I'll be there over for an hour. All right. And then I'll be over here at 130 and time to eat. And if she has a problem with that, just ask her, why do you have a problem with that? This is perfect.

I'll, I'll, you don't have, you don't have to come. You don't have to come to, to my family of nut jobs, as you say. And, uh, yeah,

she's trying to get out of going to your families is what I'm wondering. Cause most people, I feel like in the situation, you just split it up. So she's got to go help her family cook. You could go over there with her while they're doing that, talk to the dad of the brothers, whatever. I don't know if they're going to be cooking or whatever,

spend that time, have the meal. And then the two of you then go to your, your family's house for dessert and like coffee and a movie or game night or whatever. You know, but this, his starts early,

his starts at 12, this starts at 130. So I'm saying, I just, I tell, listen, you go over to your mom's house, you cook, I'm going over to my aunts from 12 to one. I'll be back at 130.

You show up like, and then you show up at like 140. You don't have to spend like an hour though. That's nothing. Because you're like, the food isn't going on the table right at 12. Everyone's going to like saunter in around 12, 30, 12, 45, sit down,

then eat. He's going to be there for like two or three hours. This is what I would do. I would say this is a deal. I'm going over there for an hour. Then I'm going to go over to 130, right? 130, I'll be at your place, but next year we're going to my family's.

This isn't even, like I'm not going to like never see my family on Thanksgiving again. Right. I would never do that to you. Are you saying I can't see my family anymore on Thanksgiving? You just do that.

Yeah. Go to his families and just say, Hey, text me when you guys are about to like sit down because she's going to cook and do all this other stuff. So it was like, text me when you guys are about to sit down. I'll let you know where I'm at with my dinner. And then I'll just come over there.

And then what he need to do is say it totally calmly. Do not trash her. Do not, do not say anything insulting about her family. Do not let her, and then when you stay calm, if she does that thing where she then tries to bait you into a fight, do not take the bait.

Just ask her why she's reacting that way. Or just, just stay calm. Stay on target. Star Wars. Right. You just, you just make your points and that's it. Yeah.

That sounds reasonable. Well, there you go. So you like how great a movie was cast of Blanca. It was really nice. I finally understood the fucking movie. I always got confused. I understood the love story, I didn't quite understand, you know,

unoccupied France and they're talking to like Nazi Germany and shit. It's just like they're taking over your country. And it's just like, I guess they hadn't, their power hadn't gotten to that point because it was like Italian soldiers there. There was German soldiers and there was fucking these German Nazi guys. I don't know. I'll have to watch it again. I'll maybe read a little bit of fucking history,

but I actually understood the love story this time. It was fucking great. Yeah. She was that woman too, huh? Yeah. She's beautiful. Yeah. She was like modern day beautiful too.

A lot of them back then are back then beautiful. You know what I mean? Like, hey, what do you say there fucking Ellis Island? Yeah. No, she's a classic. Ah, there she goes. There you go. You're sleeping like a damn dog lately.

Because of your condition. Because of my condition. Makes me very tired. I think you're being a jerk about it personally. I think you're being a jerk about it. I'm not. Why is my fucking leg hurt? Oh my God.

I'm gonna end it like those fucking people in the orchestra pit. Just fucking, you see that one guy was like 55 just sitting there. He looked like he just fell off a motorcycle. Okay. Anyways, well, I'm glad you had a good time. I hope you enjoyed it because I'm watching all the rest of the football Sundays from here on out as I empty the lick of cabinets. So was that our last Sunday out?

Is that what you're saying until? No, I would like to do that. I've been actually, and I've been looking up museums and shit on the download, trying to understand art. Really? I never understood it. I find that I like, I forget what period it is. It's the Van Gogh.

When the period after Van Gogh, I like that shit. Okay. That's cool. I like that. Abstract. I'm starting to understand that. Well, you don't need lines. You have colors to suggest moods.

It's like, all right. Look at you. Kind of looks like a five-year-old. It's always going to look like a five-year-old, didn't it? Do you like modern art, do you think? Or do you like the more old classic stuff? Like the Van Gogh versus the Jeff Koons. I don't know who Jeff Koons is.

Andy Warhol. Andy Warhol was the original hipster and his brutally, brutally fucking overrated. Ooh, hot take. And was not a nice person. What about Basquiat? Did you like Basquiat? I like Basquiat. It's not the dude who looks like Savion Glover, but he painted.

Savion Glover. Wow. Oh my God. Haven't heard that name in a while. Ah, yes. He'd sort of like the weekend before he cut his hair. He was doing like an homage to Basquiat. Yes.

Oh, it was. That's Jean-Michel Basquiat. That's the most modern person I listened to. Yeah. The weekend. To the point, I pre-ordered his next album. I know. I love it.

I got the first two songs. You did. I want to hear it. We should listen to it after this. Absolutely. As I fall asleep because of my condition. How far are we talking about my condition? Not that much, right?

What do you mean? Like, we're not going to get into all, like, all specifics and what I'm doing. No, we're not. Just something's got, yeah. The sex and all that. Yeah, what it is. Yeah, pictures. No, none of that shit.

Okay. It's just like the kitchen. You're just going to know it got redone. Just know that it's happening. That's it. I share. I share enough. I share weirdos on the fucking Internet.

I don't. I do not understand people that post pictures of their children. You know, because you get excited with your fucking hall mad dress right above your fucking head for the family photo because they're so cute and you just want to like show off, you know, but I definitely understand why we will not be doing that. All right. This is probably a conversation that should have happened off of the podcast. All right.

You want Bill? What the fuck did I do to my leg? I just laid down and I felt like I hypersceded in my knee. I can't stop my leg. Who is that? That comedian. I can't stop my leg. What's his name?

Yeah, you always bring him up. Richard. No. Oh, Robert Klein. Robert Klein. Robert Klein, I can't stop my leg. Very good. Look at you.

See, I went saving Glover. Then you hit me back. White style. Little Robert Klein. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

I will be checking in on you on Thanksgiving. No, you will not. Yes, I will. No, you will not. Listen, we're going to eat at 130. I'm going to do a podcast at 12 at my parents' house. You can take Thanksgiving off. People will understand.

Nia, I believe your people said money never sleeps. Right? 24-7. What is some of that stupid shit? They sleep we grind. Yeah, all that dumb shit. Like Bill Gates isn't doing that. You're going to do a podcast on Thanksgiving.

What is wrong with you? Well, maybe you'll do it the day before Thanksgiving. That's a big pet peeve of mine. When performers talk about how fucking hard they work. You know, they take those pictures of them where they've got their head down like they're fucking exhausted. And then they just have these fucking self-imposed compliments. You know, a lot of people would stop. I feel like I'm just beginning.

But that's essentially what you're doing if you're going to be working on Thanksgiving. No, I'm not. No, that was a really weak way to try to manipulate it back. Nia, I'm going to do it. So if you want to have the argument now, because I'm going to do it. No, I'm too tired. There you go. Go to sleep.

Seriously, you're putting on a lot of weight. Oh my God. I'm not attracted to you right now. I just don't understand what it is. That's not true. Don't say that. Yeah. You just told me I look beautiful.

You do look beautiful. You still look great. You're all fucking baby. I'm all belly. You're all belly. So anyways, all right, I'm, I don't know. I'm going to figure out how to make a fucking pan into a griddle and make myself something. Because I'm an adult and I can't fucking have a griddle.

I'm sure you'll figure it out. No, I'm getting that grill. I'm getting rid of those fucking tables out there. There's too many fucking tables. Huh? What are we having the last supper? Huh? Is Jesus coming back right in our back fucking yard?

That long-winded douche is going to sit there. Told her, I fucking did this for you. I did that. Are you trashing Jesus? No, I'm not. Are you trashing Jesus? No, Yeezy. Yeezy.

Is that what Kanye goes by? Yes. Yeezy. Hey, radio. Fuck you. Fuck you, man. I want to get, I want to get that big. I'm just yelling at a fucking, what did, what would you call that?

What is radio? Form of communication? Yeah. Yeah. Just yell at a form of communication and then cancel a show at the fucking Magic Johnson's house. Hey, internet. Fuck you, internet.

Hey, internet. Fuck you, internet. Hey, take hand on a string. Fuck you. Fuck you, ham radio. Yeah. We get it. Kevin Hart's funny, but so's, uh, so's.

Oh, who's that kid I saw in fucking the new Def Jam? First of all, Tony Rock crushing it as a host. Tony Rock's a fucking star, by the way. I remember years ago when he had a sketch show, man. That's the guy fucking pops. He's so funny. He pops on TV. Robert, I forget his last name.

No, not Tony. Not Tony Roberts. Tony Roberts. No, no, no. The name of the, no. The name of the guy that you liked, you tweeted about him. His name is Robert something. Oh yeah.

He was fucking hilarious. Fucking hilarious. And didn't give a shit if the crowd liked him. He had that, the fucking Luther Vandross joke. Oh my God. Yeah. I don't want to ruin it, but yeah, just definitely check that out. Cause if that's how funny that shows is that that show is back in a, in a, a big way.

And it was great to see Tony Rock getting that gig. You know, definitely deserving ending on a positive note. That's right. Go fuck yourselves. I will talk to you on Thanksgiving and that stomping you here in the background will be Nia. Unapprovingly. Supposed to be making stuffing.

All right. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great week. Great short week. All right. And oh, dude, Wednesday night, the greatest fucking night ever. If you're a young man, right? You go back to your hometown.

What's his face? The thrill ride. The thrill ride. Did a great rant on that. Who? The thrill ride. The one, the one, one man fucking. Oh yeah.

That guy. I mean that guy. That guy should be in the WWE. He's one of the best people on the fucking mic. I forgot about him. Yeah. He fucking said that. That's the night you go back and all the women, you know, you went to high school with that

she would were afraid to talk to. Now you come back. You got your little man mustache. You make something happen. The night before Thanksgiving. That's what they make it happen. That's right. Okay.

I love Thanksgiving. You know, I love but Thanksgiving is if we just rub it in the fucking English, England's face, you know, take that. Right. What? No, there's a lot of people in this country that think it has to do something with our independence with England. Yeah.

I was going to say it has nothing to do with that. Well, that's one of my favorite things to do is I say that to fucking London ears and shit. Oh, fuck you know what? I forgot to bring up there's a, I got to do another benefit speaking of that a buddy of mine who did stand up when I started out and then moved on to writing Pete Cummins. Such a great guy unfortunately passed away. Oh God.

He died a couple of weeks ago. It was an absolute shock. He's like a fucking year older than me was in great health and just had a heart attack, unfortunately. So we're going to be doing a benefit at the Laugh Factory on December 6th. Tickets will be going on sale soon. I should probably know by Thanksgiving, but he's got two beautiful twin boys, only 10 years old.

And the great thing is going to be so great was Jamie Masada put his name up on the, uh, the marquee. I'll never forget that he did that. That was such a great thing that he did that because Pete hasn't done stand up in a number of years. It was great that Jamie remembered him. He's a great guy. Jamie Masada.

He remembered him. He put his name up there. And so there's a bunch of Boston guys I haven't seen. We're all going to be on the same fucking show. Um, and I'm trying to think like the last time we all worked together like that was probably the fucking cowloon about 20 years ago. So it's going to be a good reunion. We're all going to be telling great stories about Pete Cummins.

So, um, yeah, it's going to be December 6th and I'll get you guys that link as soon as I get it. If you're in town, you'd like to have a laugh. It's a great cause. All right. That's it. They have fuckos. Have a nice Thanksgiving.

Delayser. Meme de Gleve.