Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-22-21

Episode Date: November 23, 2021

Bill rambles about Vegas, puke, and TikTok.   HelixSleep.com for up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows. Indochino.com promo code BURR  for $50 off a purchase of $399 or more and two free pillows. SIMPLISAFE dot com slash burr for 50% off your entire system. Solo Stove: Extra $10 off Black Friday deals at solostove.com, promo code BURR  

Because you just heard from his head, that your baby shampoo is almost gone. Luckily, it's today with bizarre good deals that you have to share. Just like today, naïve personal care and baby care. Now with up to 30% discount on that vice prize. Score all the deals in the App van Bolpen.com. In 21, what's going on? How are you? Wait, November 22nd.

Isn't that the JFK day? Isn't that the infamous day? How many years ago was it? 1963 was almost 58 years ago. 58 years ago. Who do you think did it? You know what? I figured it out.

I figured it out. You know why? Because I have the internet. And when you have the internet and limited intelligence, you can figure out all of the world's mysteries just by googling. Just googling things like, who really shot JFK? See, and that's the problem with the authorities. You know what?

They're too smart to just ask the simple questions. Like, let's find out right here. Well, you know what? In honor of the 58th anniversary of the assassination of JFK, I'm going to finally debunk the Oswald thing. Who really killed JFK? OK, here we go. Free stock footage.

All right, I got stock footage, 347 result. They got JFK conspiracies. I don't want all of this shit. I just want an answer. I want, why people think this photo of JFK's killer is fake? JFK Kennedy's assassination conspiracy theories. All right, that's Wikipedia. OK, here we go.

Who really killed JFK? All right, that's a book. Oh, you motherfucker. You turned it into a money. I can't just, I have to read? I don't want to read. I just want to annoy people at the bar. Go out there and say, ah, you know what?

It was the fucking guy who eventually created Target. Yeah, he wanted to open a location and he didn't want to do it. Oh my god, you know what? Fuck all of this. All right, hats off to JFK conspiracy theorists. If you can fucking weave your way through all of that. You want to hear my theory?

I think that that fucking Lee Harvey Oswald was a part of it. That's all I know. Because when he walked out, so I'm the patsy. That's from, for me, that's it right there. Oh, so I'm the patsy. Just the way he delivered the line, it was kind of like OJ when they arrested OJ. He didn't look like a guy who just found out

his ex-wife got murdered and he was being charged. That was not the look. He had it like, ah, damn it. Oh, I had a rough one last night. You know? Oh, that fucking jerk off there. The kid from Illinois that decided to drive up into the fucking riot, that fucking crying,

he was allegedly, that is the worst fake crying I have seen since Miss New York. Remember that? What the fuck was that flavor of love and that girl called her out going like, oh my God, you're amazing. I've never seen somebody cry without any tears before. And she goes, that's because it's an inner cry, bitch.

He was having an inner cry. He had a right to be there. It was open carry. He felt threatened. It was the fucking perfect murder. That might be enough to convince some people. If the picture where he's wearing a shirt, it says free as fuck and he's doing

that stupid white supremacist thing. What? Oh, he's saying, hey, okay. I'm happy to be free. Not picking sides there, people. I'm just saying, you know what I mean? The same way you're looking at OJ being like, ah, you know, that guy did that shit, you know.

But whatever, people get all wrapped up in the other crap, you know, so you might be right. Hey, maybe, maybe, you know, maybe what he said was what happened. I'm just saying, you know, that's just my opinion. My opinion was the fucking shoulders going. Oh, the whole thing was horrible. It looked like student film crying.

Anyways, plowing ahead. I had a great day yesterday. Enjoy it, my freedom. Out in, I went, oh, you know what? I was in Las Vegas this weekend. And had two really, really fun shows at the Cosmopolitan. So thank you to everybody that showed up.

I got to work with my buddy, Rick D'Elia. And then we all hung around the next day and we went to the Raiders versus the Cincinnati Bengals, which you guys all know was the team Paul Brown started after the Cleveland Browns and Art Mordell, you know, showed him the door. The guy invented modern day football. I believe the coach that Bill Belichick looks up to.

The guy who understood the importance of the kicking game and had a player named Lou Groza. Lou the toe, Groza. Anyway, then he went down there. That's why their helmets were the sort of the same color as the Browns. So they were like, all right, you at least have to put the word Bengals on the side, which they eventually did.

And then they came up with that, you know, I would call it a cougar print, you know, a woman of a certain age would wear a shirt and that design to let you know that she's out there and she's still feeling frisky. Anyway, we went to the Raiders Allegiance, the Raiders Allegiance Stadium and it was fucking amazing. Thank you to Chris for hooking us up over there.

We sat on the mezzanine level. I swear to God, we were sitting in these chairs and they looked like first class seats on a fucking airplane. And there was nobody in front of us, or maybe there was, I can't even remember, there was so much space and you had like a little TV to share so you could immediately watch the replay down there as if the Jumbotron wasn't big enough.

And I don't think I've ever enjoyed being at a football game more. It was just, the food was great. It had short ribs, mashed potatoes, and I don't know what else was with it. It was absolutely fucking delicious. I made sure that I didn't overeat when I was there and then I got to watch a really great game.

Two evenly matched teams, the spread was minus one, Bengals, and they just were going back and forth. Nobody could really seem to score. Although on that, was it a fumble recovery? That kid, I don't know if he stayed to the outside, looks like he had a clear lane to the end zone, he cut back inside, it might have been a pick, I can't remember.

But Joe Burrow and Joe Mixon, you know, the story of the game was the Raiders' front four, the Raiders. I felt like they were just controlling the game and Bengals ended up finally making some adjustments because it was looking like in the first quarter and a half, like this was going to be the Raiders' game, but I think they left some points on the board

and then they just took one stupid penalty after another, one bullshit pass interference call. But other than that, they just know, stupid personal files, just dumb, dumb, dumb fucking playing. And they ended up not winning the game, but we couldn't have had a better time. And it was driving me nuts. There was this guy, you know, sitting in this section,

like the row across, and I kept looking at his face, going, I fucking know that guy, who is that guy? And afterwards, when we were leaving the game, I finally asked Chris, I go, who was that guy? I know I know that face. And he told me it was Mike Utley, who was the former NFL player for the Detroit Lions. Unfortunately, he had a neck injury, got paralyzed,

but I would have loved to have said a load of that guy. You know, just a, I don't know, frigging legend of the NFL and the way he's handled that horrible day that happened to him. I really wish I got a chance to say what's up to him. But anyway, the Raiders' stadium is legit, it is worth the trip. All you football fans out there who are thinking,

hey, you know what would be awesome is to get a crew of my friends, go out to Vegas, have a great time on Friday and Saturday, and then watch our team play the Raiders. You 100% should do it. It's an absolutely beautiful stadium. And just their colors, the black and the silver, they have that theme throughout the whole thing.

And they had just unbelievable memorabilia up on the wall. I didn't see this, one of my buddies, Mike was out there and he took a picture of, they had one of the original Raider, like from the AFL days, like their warm-up jacket hanging on the wall. I love all that type of stuff. And then they had these really cool framed pictures of like,

where I was sitting, it was, let me see who it was, it was Mike Haynes. I literally forget the other two, I was so surprised. Because sometimes he's a Patriots fan, maybe I blocked it out. Because I remember when they shut down the Redskins, when they won that last Super Bowl, 83 was Mike Haynes, and I wanna say maybe Lester Hayes,

and they shut down the Redskins wide receivers as they were trying to go back to back. Who the fuck was it? I don't know, I don't remember, but they had all these framed pictures. Oh, Eric Dickerson played one season with the Raiders, then they had a picture of Mike Haynes, who played I think from 82 to 89.

And then they had one other person, I can't remember, but it was absolutely, it was incredible. I didn't want the game to end, I was having so much fun then. So thank you to everybody that hooked us up out there. And with that, my wife, my wife came out to Vegas, and I ended up on Saturday, we got up early, because I wasn't an idiot,

I didn't stay out late after Friday's show. And I gotta tell you something, man, if you get up and you hit the strip at about 9 a.m., there's nobody there. Nobody, all the degenerates are still sleeping off what the hell they did the night before, still doing blow with that hooker they met or whatever. So we ended up walking down all the way down to the Venetian.

Rather than go on a treadmill or something, I was like, let's take a walk down the strip. So we went down the strip and I always wanted to go on those gondola rides. But I'm not gonna sit there as a guy by myself, going a friggin' boat and have some guy going, forlores, he's fucking paddled me around. So, but I remember when the, I'm so old,

I remember when the Venetian opened, I know it was only like 20, 25 years ago, but when I first started working Vegas, like they were imploding the dunes, the sands, all of that. And I remember when all of that shit was being built, the Paris, the Luxor, New York, New York, had just been built, I believe. I remember when they finished the Rio

and it was off the strip and that was the hottest fucking casino. There was, I remember Treasure Island, one of them had like a volcano out front, I don't know if they still have that. I thought Treasure Island had the pirate ship or something, whatever. So eventually, yeah, then the wind came along Encore, all of that, the stratosphere,

all of that shit in the last like 25, 30 years was built. So it was either just brand new or it was now, you know, now being open. And now I'm looking at it like, like, you know, they're starting to get like long in the tooth. Like something that's 30 years old now is like long in the tooth, it's fucking crazy. But I do love the older ones that still survive.

Like the Flamingo, Bally's is still there, Caesars, the Mirage, all of that stuff's there. I would have loved to have gone down to Old Vegas, but my wife and I had such a good time that she was mentioning that she'd like to go back out there again. So I think I might go out there and just like not have anything to do

and just go to some shows and hang out. I don't know why I never did. It's a fucking 50 minute flight. It was just a great time. So we ended up going down there and you know, we just sort of walk around. I was like, Hey, you want to take a ride on those gondolas? So we went inside and I always thought that like

you could take a ride, like you go from the outside into the casino and then back out again. But those two things are not connected. So all it really is, is when you walk into the Venetian, the way they have the water set up, you can't tell where it goes or whatever. It kind of looks like it keeps going, but it doesn't. You just kind of go from one side,

you go underneath the bridge. They do like a little 360 to give you a whole view of everything that's going on. Then you go back through the tunnel, they do another 360 and they drop you off. It's like 10, 12 minutes, but it's still fucking awesome. And we got this great person to do it. And everybody else kind of had that obnoxious fucking voice,

but she had like a Disney Pixar voice. It was, when you went in the tunnel, she sang these songs and just absolutely crushed it. My wife's having a good time. She puts her head on my shoulder. I'm like, all right, you know, it's going great here. We're having a good time. So we're sitting there, you know,

and you kind of get lost in it. You know, you're just kind of like right there. And as we came out of the tunnel, she sang this beautiful song and I could tell my wife, oh my God, that's romantic. She was having such a good time. So we're sitting there in a little boat and all of a sudden this guy is like leaning over

the rail and he just yells out to me. He goes, hey, buddy, coming out to see you tonight, man, looking forward to it. Totally killed the mood, you know, which isn't his fault. I mean, he was only like fucking three feet away, but you kind of, you know, you're on the boat. You kind of feel like you're out on a lake. He kind of destroyed my mirage

that I had actually taken my wife out on a boat trip rather than some little fucking ride. But I will tell you, if you go out there with your wife, it's definitely a, definitely a great thing to do. And I actually started, I started the first time when I used to work Vegas, I used to work at Harris at the Improv, which I don't even think is there anymore.

And I was sitting there, you know, where my window to my hotel room, I could look down the strip and see every fucking place that I played as I worked my way over to the Cosmopolitan. And that's like, you know, what happens when you work in Vegas? And then eventually you work your way back down,

you know, as you become 80, 90 years old, and then you end up off the strip. But you know what? You still give them a fucking show. You saved your money, so you're still in a good mood. So you have your tuxedo dry cleaned, so you still look sharp. And people could say, you know,

that faux freckles still has it. Speared is all white, but you know, he's hanging in there, he's angrier than ever. So, oh, I also got to, I got to hang out with Brad Garrett. It was got a great comedy club over at MGM. And I've been meaning to meet up with them. It just has never worked out.

And I finally got to hang out with them. And there's this famous story of Brad Garrett. He was opening for Frank Sinatra way back in the day when he was just a kid and he was bombing. So when he said good night, he's like, thanks a lot, I've been Brad Garrett, you know, stick around for Frank is what he said. Obviously it's a joke, you know,

and he gets off stage and this is back when the mob was running it. And they came into his dressing room and they're like, hey, Frank wants to know what you meant by that. And he's like, what I meant by what? And they go, stick it to Frank. Why'd you say stick it to Frank? And he goes, no, I didn't say stick it to Frank.

I said, stick around for Frank. And they were like, well, why wouldn't they stick around for Frank? They're here to see Frank. And he's like, no, no, that was like the joke. And they're like, stick around for Frank. Are you suggesting he's late? Cause he's not, he making it sound like he's ladle.

He had this big fucking misunderstanding with him. I probably fucked the story up, but he was telling me all of those, those stories. And I was telling him some stories I had some from some buddies of mine that I'm used to open up for Rodney Dangerfield. And that's one of my favorite things about going to Vegas is I always look up to see what comics are in town.

And then I try to hang out with them afterwards if I can. So, oh, and I also forgot the sports book went down to that on Saturday and watched a bunch of college football. Oh, that was it. I took my wife on the gondola ride. So she was psyched and then she was gonna go do some spa shit.

So then I went down with the fellas and I watched the UCLA, congratulations. Jesus Christ, when was the last time they painted the bell? I didn't even know they did that. Finally beat USC, I don't know after how many years. And I watched the Alabama game against Arkansas. And then I was also watching a little bit of that Wisconsin-Nebraska game, great games.

And then on Sunday, when I went to the Raiders game, I picked four games last week. And I, oh, Freckles went four and oh, four and oh. I had the Bengals minus one. I just thought the Raiders were gonna be a little bit of a disarray with everything that's been going on, you know, losing their coach and all of that shit.

And I didn't even hear about that other horrific incident. But despite that, they still played great. I had Kansas City, I had the Steelers versus the Chargers. I thought I'd lost that bet like 50 fucking times. I was traveling, I flew back, I missed every second of that game, that seemed like a wild one. And then I had one other one. I forget the other one that I had there.

Hold on, I got my bets written down right here. For those of you not watching the Anything Better podcast, I, me and Verzi have been competing for the entire season, who did I have? Oh, I had the Vikings plus one and a half at the Packers. For some reason, I just, you know, division rivalry, I just thought the Packers might have a little bit of a let down game.

They got, looked like they got down early because I was at the Raiders game if I haven't mentioned 50 times. Then they came roaring back because they have Aaron Rodgers, the great Aaron Rodgers. And then I guess they hung on, right? Went into overtime. Oh, that's right, they scored a fucking touchdown.

I thought I had it one and then two seconds later, I'm looking at the Jumbotron. Dude, I don't know how many comeback victories, just even just, you know, or if you threw in the ties, Aaron Rodgers has, but he's one of the best to ever do it. But then the Vikings got a field goal and oh, Freckles covered, went four and oh! Last three weeks, I went four and oh,

oh, and four, four and oh, feast or famine. But here's what I really want to talk about. My New England Patriots, who I missed the entire game, I totally spaced that it was Thursday and that there was a game. I missed the whole fucking game and all my Pat's fans were raving, friends were raving about it.

And I saw some highlights and I have to tell you something in honor of the holiday season, okay? It's beginning to look a lot like the 2001 Patriots. When Tom was just a kid, we had a great D and Tom wouldn't fuck up. He'd throw it out of bounds. That's what Mac Jones is doing.

The throw was there, he's throwing it. If it isn't, he's throwing it away. Got to throw it away, he's doing it. And I got to tell you something, what the fuck is going on in Buffalo? What in the fuck is going on? Is there injuries? I don't understand what is happening out there.

I almost took the colts because Carson Wentz scores points. That's what that fucking man does. But I was like, the Bills have just been playing so shitty lately. And then with this offensive juggernaut earlier in the season, I was too afraid that they were gonna come home

and put up some points. So I stayed away from the game. I don't know what is going on in Buffalo, but I'll tell you right now, you do not want to play Bill Belichick from November on. You just do not want to do it when he's got a fucking quarterback and he's got fucking receivers

and he has a fucking defense. You do not want to do that. I don't know if we have receivers, but you know, we do have a defense, all right? Paul Cam Newton came in last year. We had nothing. So it's good to see him back in the league and back with the Panthers

as they were sitting there trying to act like he never even happened. Glad that whole thing worked out. But I don't know what's going on with the fucking Buffalo Bills, but I know the Patriots still have yet to play them. So we have to play them twice. And I think we actually have a chance.

We'd have to beat them twice. I would think that, let me see here. Let me see here. Patriots, standings. See, where are we? What the fuck, Addy? The Bills are six and four?

I'll tell you, nothing will make you, we're in first fucking place. What? Well, we won like five in a row. Holy shit, the Dolphins have won three in a row. Did you guys see that footage of that fucking old guy that Jets fan throwing the haymakers? Shout out to that Dolphin fan, slipped the first one

and made the second one just be a glancing blow with his fucking hands in his pockets. The Kansas City Chiefs have won four in a row. They're in first place. The Ravens are seven and three. The Titans, eight and three. Jesus Christ, they lost to the fucking Texans. Figure that one out.

Is Travis Henry that big a part of their team? Wow. These, other than the Ravens, I think they've been playing, the Titans have been playing well all year. These fucking divisions just flipped. I haven't looked at the stands, I think, since like September.

Cowboys are seven and three. The Cardinals are nine and two. I knew that they were doing well. Ram seven and three lost two. Packers, the Buccaneers are in first place. Ah, what am I talking about? I thought we had a shot when in the Super Bowl because I thought a lot of these veteran teams,

like Brady's still in it, Aaron Rodgers is still in it. What do we got here? Patrick Mahomes is still in it. Ah, this is gonna be okay. Fuck all of that. Fuck everything that I was just thinking. All right, but you know what? We're turning it around.

I think with the defense that we have, Bill Belichick, this is such an obvious statement, is really gonna frustrate a lot of teams. I don't know, Kansas City, if they write the ship, because what was going on with Kansas City made no sense the whole fucking year. They didn't really lose anybody. Nobody was hurt, they just weren't playing well.

And everybody was like, did they figure them out? Then I love them, they do the usual thing. They're asking if their fucking coach is overrated. How are you overrated after you win a fucking Super Bowl? That's like Ed Ojeron, giving him shit. I think he was fucking overrated. What the fuck are you talking about? He won a national championship.

You need the quarterback. He doesn't have the quarterback now. Oh, that kills me. That fucking kills me. Only sports fans, could you win a championship and then they still say you're fucking underrated? Sports fans with no ring at any level, at any fucking level.

So anyway, I'm talking way more fucking football than I thought I was going to. But what do you want from me? I went to Levi Stadium, Lambeau Field, and then I pledged Allegiant Stadium. In the last three weeks, this is like what I used to do when I was a young and single. Now I'm old and bald and I got two kids,

so I usually come back from the road, but it's just been working out that the games have been there. The 49ers played during the afternoon and I had a show that night. I did hang for Lambeau. I mean, come on, that's where the NFL started, basically. I had to go there and I brought my wife out to Vegas. Did you bring her to the football game?

No. All right, I was an absentee father the last two Sundays because I went to a Packers and a Raiders game. What do you want from me? All right, all right, plowing ahead here. I gotta play drums tonight at the goddamn Comedy Jam. I'm also gonna be on Jimmy Kimmel tonight, promoting season, the fifth and final season

of Effis for Family. It's gonna be out on Netflix November 25th. Thank you to everybody at Gomont, Netflix, Wild West. Everybody, last night we had the final rap party, which was so awesome to see everybody, but it was definitely a little melancholy bittersweet because I made sure I took it all in because that was one of those things

where I'm like this whole group of people is not gonna be together like this ever again because there was a whole bunch of people there and just I'm gonna run into all of these people but we'll never all be together again as the Effis for Family crew and the proudest thing that I had with everybody from editors to the people that made the music,

to the writers, to the performers, all came up to me and told me how much fun they had working on the show, which is the best compliment. And I think that was because of the great Mike Price who was the showrunner and just ran the ship and everything. And I just think anything, if the person at the top is being cool and being nice, then everybody just kind of falls into line.

So fortunately that is the experience that I had over there. So thank you to Mike Price and everybody else over there. And of course, shout out to the late great Mark Wilmore and the late great David Richardson. You know, those guys, I learned so much from them in the writers room, you know, cannot say enough about them. And then of course, Michael K. Williams who played Smoky who played Smoky, rest in peace to him too.

But I mean, I don't know, it was, my head's still spinning. I can't believe it's over, but I'm so thankful that I got the experience and I'm actually, it's better that we're ending before fans want us to, rather than going too long. So please watch it, enjoy it, tell your friends about it. And thank you for everybody who watched over the years so we could do five seasons of this wonderful show.

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It's the great Dave Kushner. It was his birthday weekend. He did all the music on F is for Family. You might know him from Velvet Revolver. We went over there and I think Roy Choi's goal was to have our stomachs burst. He just kept bringing the food out. We had to tap out.

What an amazing, amazing, cool guy that guy is, man. That guy is the best and his food was insane. All the food was so good over there that we all debated which dish we liked the best. Personally, I loved the street corn and there was a short rib thing that he had. I loved the kimchi. And then there was like four or five other

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All right. And with that, let's get on to some of the reeds here that we have for the week. All right. Naked hotel dude. Yeah, a buddy of mine accidentally locked himself out of his hotel room last week, completely naked. He doesn't have the best eyesight.

He had had a couple of pops and he was trying to find the bathroom door. He thought he did. He opened it, the door closed behind him and he's like, that's not a toilet. He was out in the hallway, had to cover his junk, walked down and go get the keys. And everybody laughed

and some woman slapped him on the ass. All right, here we go. Now you're caught up. Naked hotel dude. Dear Billy Baughbag. After hearing the story of the naked guy in the hotel, I thought I would share a story from my stag two. This is stag do, D-O.

I'm thinking stag two as an also, your stag party. All right, 16 of us went to Glasgow on a minibus. That's in Scotland for all you Americans out there like me. The only reason why I know that's because I've been there. And also, if you want blood, you got it. The live ACDC album was recorded there. That's why in the Jack, he goes,

any versions in Glasgow in the beginning. She was number nine, nine and nine. All right, and you know that one aggressive, and you know that one aggressive, let me start over again. 16 of us went to Glasgow on a minibus. And you know that one aggressive lightweight friend who can't handle his booze? Well, he decided to crack a bottle of Jack Daniels

at 7 a.m. Oh, Jesus. He fell asleep before we arrived. And upon arrival, I had the unfortunate task of waking him. As soon as he opened his eyes, he had a crazed, startled look on his face. And he absolutely stinks of booze, cigarettes, and shit. Oh, no.

He proceeds to ring his wife and start crying. Angie, Angie, it happened again. It's then apparent he has shit his pants. We bundle him into the hotel lift. That's an elevator for everybody on this side of the world, and leave him there. Well, you guys aren't friends. You just left him in the elevator,

and we go out drinking. I mean, that's just Scotland rules. All right, if you're gonna fucking pass out and shit yourself before 12 noon, we're leaving you in an elevator. All right, well, whatever, went in Scotland. You gotta act like Scottish people. We get back to the hotel about six hours later,

and the fucker is still in the lift. Luckily, the guy on the desk of the hotel was brilliant and was having a laugh about it. He said people were returning to the hotel, pressing the lift, and when the doors opened, he was slumped in the corner snoring, stinking of shit, and people would just take the stairs. Just thought that would brighten your day,

keep on the good work, and go fuck yourself. Wow. I mean, that's a funny story, I can't believe you just left him in there. Oh, God, that smell just marinating as the doors are closed. Holy shit, literally. Wow.

I remember a long time ago, me and my friends, we all skipped school, a bunch of us skipped school. We're so stupid. Everybody skipped school on the same day, so I can't remember what happened, but I'm sure they figured out, you know, when 30 seniors are all of a sudden all not there on the same day, in a class of 200,

you know, they probably knew something was up. But anyways, we went down to the cape, because that we just go down to the cape and fucking get shit out, then drive back. So we all went down there, and I remember, you know, all of these kids were there, and one of my buddies, he got sick, and he was sitting on the couch, and there was like a breezeway door.

All he had to do was get up and go out, and he didn't. He just sat there. This guy was, he was a puke, man, and the thing about him is you never knew when he was gonna fucking puke. I mean, he one time was fucking sitting in the passenger seat of my buddy's car, and we're driving down the highway,

and all of a sudden he just fucking project out onto the windshield. I think I told this story before, and used this reference. It was like in Pulp Fiction, when he actually, we accidentally shot that guy in the head, and they just showed his fucking brains go on the back windshield of the rear window of the car. It was like that, except it was the front windshield,

and it was puke. So he's sitting on the couch, and just out of nowhere, he just pulls the front of his t-shirt out, up over his fucking nose and mouth, and just pukes down the front of himself. And then he was like, all right, so, then he gets up. It walks to where the breezeway is, where there's a porch, and proceeds to then just strip down

to his fucking tidy whiteies. And every hot chick for my grade, he's just standing there looking at him, like, oh, God. Oh, and one fucking afternoon, all of his options were gone. But he was a senior, so who cares? He went to college, and a whole new boatload of women came in that never saw that horrific moment in his life. Sleeping in public, dear Billy Blankets,

I'm the type of weirdo you described last week who could sleep in public. I think you underestimate what a job that requires labor can do to you, what? I think you underestimate what a job that requires labor can do to you. Oh, look at you, taking a swipe at standup comedy. I don't think I was disrespecting.

Oh, what are you telling us? Let me get this straight. You work on a construction site, and then you get on an airplane after that? Was I talking about people that sleep on airplanes? And I had jobs that required physical labor. I don't remember sleeping in a fucking train station and missing my train.

I don't know what the fuck, I don't know, maybe you're just giving me shit. I wasn't disrespecting people that work for a fucking living. I have to be honest with you, if you fall asleep like that, you're not getting enough sleep at night, I would think. Cause there's only the few times

that I have ever fallen asleep in public. That just reminds me of the Ron White joke. You threw me into public. I think, yeah, if I didn't get enough sleep, that was the only time I was like passing out. I was also amazed that you could fall asleep in a place where you could get the shit kicked out of you or get mugged like train stations on the subway.

You just see these people just like fucking nodding off. Now I'm gonna get people, well, maybe they don't make a lot of money and they need two fucking jobs. All right, maybe we can just take all the fucking fun out of it. All right, having said that, I'm actually, I'm trying to get back into taking my old man naps

cause I don't get enough sleep. All right, and what do you know about fucking labor, sir? What job do you do that requires fucking labor? Do you get heckled when you're bringing fucking wood the wrong way down to a fucking construction site and it gets filmed and gets put up on fucking YouTube, huh? Yeah, I'm fucking puffing my chest up right back at you, my job.

All right. Did you go on stage in Las Vegas in front of a cross section of people and do some jokes about that puffy lift kid out there from Illinois and then have to dig yourself out of the fucking hole? All right, hey Bill, I hate my girlfriends. Okay.

All right, my girlfriend can't do anything without complaining. When I say anything, I mean anything. Well, okay, when I say anything, I mean anything. Things she has to do, things she wants to do, things she doesn't want to do. Don't get me wrong, she gets shit done but has to complain about it.

She thinks she's this extraordinary motivator who puts out positive vibes only, oh boy. Why is it all I hear out of her is the negative in the situation? I hear people's problems, I don't know and I don't care about this broad. I never met or her fat baby. I can't tell if this is a man or a woman writing this.

We're both from New England so it's safe to assume she's loud and yells and speaks when she speaks and you'd be correct. The voice is so loud, it's offensive to my ears. She brags about going to the gym every day. We live together, Bill. She might go three times a week in a good week. Oh, I think he's trying to say I hate my girlfriend.

He wrote, I hate my girlfriends. So I thought this was a woman saying she needs to get new friends. I don't know what's going on here. Maybe you live in Utah and you have girlfriends on a way to having wives. All right, she might go three times a week to the gym. Days like today when I come home from the gym

to find my dog on my pillow at 7 a.m. And I lay my head on my dog and my girlfriend rolls. Okay, so it's your girlfriend. Rolls over and wraps her arms around me. I embrace it and I love it. Now she'll never know how much that moment meant to me. Now she'll never know how much that moment meant to me because I won't tell her she's just gonna wake up

and yell about her mom texting her too early in the morning. And yeah, I'll get annoyed, but moments like that is why I deal with her shit. Well, that and her laundry skills, peace out, Bill. Oh God. Well, I mean, I think you resolve the whole thing. Your girlfriend complains a lot, but when you come home, you lay your head on the pillow

and she gives you a hug, you know, you embrace it and you love it. And she does your laundry. So I mean, you know, everybody has, I'm sure there's something you do that's bugging her. There's really no problem there, sir. As far as what I could forecast in that relationship is the day she stops hugging you and doing your laundry,

she better quit complaining too, or that relationship is gonna have, is headed for some white water? It's heading for the rapids, man. Is that a floating rock? All right. Oh boy, girl talk shit about me on TikTok. Love the podcast and you stand up.

To begin, I've been talking to this lady for two weeks now and everything was perfect. Our first date was last Thursday and I had taken her out to a nice Korean barbecue restaurant, both of our favorites. So look at that. Share something in common, you know, what could go wrong? Dinner was great and the conversation was flirtatious.

I like your tits. Thank you. I was hoping you were gonna notice them. Sorry, I'm sure it was a little lighter than that. I paid the tab, left. She then said she had a great time and wanted a second date. Coolie, I said, sure, and asked for a kiss goodbye.

We made out, then said, good night. Day after, no text at all. I then go on her TikTok and on her live, she states how she had a terrible time and that was one of the worst dates she had been on and she won't be dating for quite some time. I was obviously hurt and angry as hell. I confronted her about it and she said,

she sides hustles with her TikTok. It's all an act and she lies like that for the monetary entertainment. She's not a public figure. Parentheses gross, get a fucking job, in my opinion. Hey, I'm a public figure. That's the second shot at my job, I don't work. I'm a disgusting public figure.

Hey, man. Anyway, I still thought that was too faced of her but she reconciled and she apologized. Oh boy, buddy, I don't know about this. And said that if it was the opposite way, she'd feel the same way. All right, well, there's some empathy. She even messaged me back this morning.

Do I still talk to her but wait for a second date on her asking or do I just ignore her for this? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Dude, go with your gut. I'd go with my gut. And I think you don't respect what she does for a living. You think it's gross, get a fucking job. And if you're gonna get into a relationship with somebody,

I really think if you don't respect what they do, if you think what they do for a job is gross before you've even had the second date, you might wanna pull the ripcord. And plus, the fact that it's an act and she's lying, I don't know, dude. I don't know. I don't know.

And that's one of those things you kinda have to worry about. I don't know, these are all stereotypes but I'm just throwing it out there. It's just like, all right, so this person's really into like fame and money, how they, any way that they can do it and going out there and just like lying or whatever,

you know, I don't know. I don't wanna look down on a fellow person that's whoring themselves out, but you know, there's one thing to go out and start a band, tell some jokes, become an actor, fucking, I don't know, whatever else you do. Run for office to try to change things before they get their dirty, filthy mitts on you.

I don't know, but then the other thing too, I think it's actually good that hot chicks can fucking go out there and make money doing that because now they're kind of in control. We're back in the day, they make like, even like NFL cheerleaders wouldn't make any money and they're whole big things, but wait till the calendar comes out.

They pay them like 35 bucks a fucking game. But now there's like Instagram, so they can just go on there and do their little boop-boopy-doop fucking dance and flirt with a couple of fucking ugly guys and I don't know, I'm sure it's harder than that. I don't know, dude, you're talking TikTok and influencers to a 53-year-old man.

So take everything that I'm saying with a grain of salt. I would just go with my gut. And if you fail this early on, that you can't trust her. And I also, I don't understand young people where they feel like you're putting shit out on the internet and like no one's gonna see that. You know, it's not even young people.

I got a buddy of mine, you know. I mean, I have a friend of mine from back in the day, the guy fucking takes video of himself fucking rolling joints old school. He still buys the weed and wants to roll the joint, rolls the joints during his fucking lunch hour at work. I mean, figure that one out. Anyway, yeah, I would go with my gut.

I kind of don't like this though. That she said she had a terrible time and she's not gonna date for a while. The only saving grace is that she said, I understand that you feel that way. I would feel the same way. So you gotta think, is that empathy? And that's somebody that can actually admit

that they did something wrong, which is a great trait and very rare I feel like in a lot of adults. Or is this part of her hustle and she's hustling you? Go with your gut. Go with your gut. I mean, what really happened? You went out, you flirted, you had a good time and you made out with her and she's a good kisser.

Other than that, you think what she did was gross and she lied about your evening for money. I mean, when you fucking distill it down to that, I mean, I think you can find a nicer person than that. Ha, ha, ha, ha, whatever. I'm not gonna judge you either way. Good luck to you. All right, Thanksgiving pressure advice.

Oh boy. Dear Billy Chitlins, I'm going to my girlfriend's house for Thanksgiving. We've been together for four years and I'm good with her family. All right, she told me to bring something creative because there will be a lot of the standard things already there.

I was, oh my, he goes, I put this pressure on myself because I insisted on bringing something even when her family, when he, her and her family said they would already have a lot of food. Dude, this is like me years ago. I don't know where I said I'd make a pie. Then I got that joke. What if I slammed my head through this window

and just bleed out down the side of the house? So now I need to bring something that is out of the box but also welcomed. My front runner idea is ice cream and then I bring hot sauce to melt or heat up or however it's done. Wait, hot sauce on ice cream? Is that a stupid fucking idea?

My brother says if I do that, I'm basically bringing a mess over to their house. Then I have to insist on doing dishes. Thoughts, help. All right, a dessert is always great and a dessert is easy. So what I would do, there's always in every town or every couple of towns, two, three towns,

there's always that one fucking place that's not a chain that you can go out and get something special that you can bring over. I would do the dishes either way and because you're four years in and you still haven't gotten her a ring. So you gotta stay on the good side of the family while you sit down to watch the Lions game

or I would take a shot at making a dessert which isn't that hard. All right, I have a video up there on how to make a pie crust. Why don't you just follow that up? Follow that. I actually have a better recipe for the pie crust now but you can totally make a pie crust

and then the fillings, the easiest fucking thing ever. Don't ever get intimidated by a filling. It's all about the crust. Just, you know something? If you make an effort to make a homemade fucking pie, even if it stinks, all right, the fucking effort that you made, they're gonna be psyched. So what I would do is I would make the pie

the Wednesday before, have it ready to go and if your girlfriend's like, why are you doing that? I just wanna show you how much I care about you and your family. Then you get the, aww, and I think you'll be good even if it sucks. And I would tell her before the age, hey, listen, this is the first time

I've ever tried to make a pie. I will not be offended at all if you guys say it sucks. All right? But everyone will appreciate the effort and then if you get up and you do some dishes and that you dry some or whatever, I think you'll be good. All right? Take the pressure off.

Take a chance, man. Take a chance. Why are you still? Got the choice. Go on ACDC today. All right, that's the podcast everybody. What a run. Seven out of eight weekends that was on the road.

I cannot thank people in St. Louis, Denver, Minneapolis, Reno, San Jose, Atlanta, where were the Hollywood, Florida, Las Vegas. I can't thank you guys enough for still coming out after all these years supporting my comedy. I had an absolute blast going up on stage trying to make you laugh and thank you to everybody in Vegas,

Chris and everybody over at the Raiders. Thanks to Roy Choi for hooking us up and thanks to my wife. It's not being thankful. Thank you to my wife being so friggin' cool and after all these years, I can still have such a great time hanging out with her and thanks you to everybody on Effis for Family

that helped all of these five seasons come together and to all the fans that have been watching. Please check it out November 25th or sometime this weekend. If you get a chance, that's it. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and as always, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thanksgiving.

All right, I'll see ya.