Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-23-15

Episode Date: November 24, 2015

Bill rambles about Thanksgiving, failed pilots and blowing off weddings.

Now at Proximus, the perfect deals, with a 1 plus 11 for 0 euro at a mobile subscription. 0 euro? That doesn't make sense. I don't want that either. Amai, do you feel my heart beat? Oh, that's a good ringtone for that new 1 plus 11 for 0 euro. Information and conditions at proximus.be Proximus, think possible. Monday, November 23rd, 2015, what's going on? What's up? Oh, Billy Redface.

Oh, Billy Redcakes. Oh, fucking, what are you doing? Douchebag freckles here. His integrate moody's on his, for dumb with his first week and not doing shit. I'm not doing shit for the last week. I already did it. I already accomplished the dream of not doing shit. And this week, I'm not doing shit, right? Greatest fucking holiday of the year. Everybody talks about Christmas.

People talking about flag day or fucking Easter. I'm telling you, this is the one. You don't have to buy shit. All you do, you just show up. You show up little corn, beef and cabbage, whatever. Whatever your little family fucking dishes. You show up, you smile, you do a couple of air kisses, you know, feed your fat fucking face, and then you just slip into the liver room, right? And watch the game. Sitting on the sofa. And there's that other guy, the socially fucking awkward guy who hides in alcohol,

sitting in the lazy boy, you know, you guys are angled just enough that you can see each other in your peripheral, but you never say anything. You know, a couple of times you go to start the conversation and you see the lonely guy being excited, but then he fucks it up and you see him withdraw again and you try to act like it didn't happen. And that's just the second quarter, right? Anyways, I finally did my official weigh-in today to see the damage I did. I was about a buck 65 or something before I left to go to a way back in September, right?

I was trying to get down to 162. I got to 165, and one day I just skipped rope and just sweated it out. I got to like 162 points something, but that's bullshit, right? I got down to 165, then I had a wedding, a week-long family event, and then right after that I went to Texas for a week and then Toronto, and I came back for a few days, and then I went to D.C. Then I came back for a few days, like a week, and then I did that two-week fucking tour of the Midwest, came back for three days, then I did the Philly run, then I went to New York, and then I did MSG.

So in that time, I knew I was putting on weight. Oh, I knew I was doing it. I knew it. I couldn't stop, right? All right. Now, before I started this whole thing, I was 187 pounds. I went down to 165. I lost 22 fucking pounds. So the big question is, Bill, you dumb fuck. After you did all that work, you stupid cunt, how much did you give back this morning? After weighing himself in September, before all the festivities, he was doing about 165 pounds, I weighed myself this morning,

right when I woke up, the most accurate weight from what I've, you know, read on the Internet. So take that with a giant grain of salt and sugar. 176.8. Oh, Billy, what did you do? I just remember my last night in New York fucking hammered, eating two slices of sausage pepperoni, and it wasn't even good. And after the first one, I was like, Jesus, this is so much shit on this. This feels like Chicago pizza.

Nobody in their right mind ever has more than one slice of deep dish pizza. You just fucking, you can't do it. You're out of your fucking mind. So anyways, yeah, so I'm pissed that I fucking went that hard, fucked it up that much, but I'm not, I didn't see the dreaded, the one that really depresses me is when that second number's in eight. So I'm going to try to do the impossible, the unthinkable. Cleo, will you stop licking yourself so damn loud? Hey, Cleo, Cleo, yeah, you, knock it off over there.

I know you got to do what you got to do. You need a bath? Anyways, the fuck was I talking about? Oh, I'm going to try to do the impossible, the unthinkable. Well, there she goes licking herself again. Good Lord, no shame whatsoever. I'm going to try to lose weight during the holiday months here. I'm actually during the week of Thanksgiving. I'm trying to go, my goal is to be, to do the three pounds that I was doing back in the summer, drop three weeks. So that's 173.8 is what I need to be next Monday morning when I roll out of bed.

And so we'll see what happens, but here's a fucked up thing. I made three pies yesterday. All right, not all for me, obviously. Just people come by the house and stuff like that. So I made a cream pie, a pumpkin pie, and an apple pie. And I actually fucked with the sacred family recipes. Now I haven't had a slice of any of it yet, but I upped the cinnamon in my apple pie. And I used this, this different recipe. It was a butter-based crust.

And my wife sent me a fucking text message. I thought the house was on fire. It was just OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG. I can't even say it that fast. She fucking would say it slower, Bill. We still understand. She wrote OMG like 50 times in a row. So I was, I had gone, I was driving.

So I texted while driving, of course. And I said pie, question mark, question mark, house fire, question mark. And then she did a bunch of emoji, emoji shit. And she wrote that pie is fucking delicious. I said, how's the new cinnamon level? She said perfect. And then I said yes with an exclamation point. How about that?

You got to hear my whole private text message. No, that's the best. Apple pie is a motherfucker. You know, I don't know how you guys do it. I use like three different types of apples. You got to peel them, then you quarter them, then you try to get like eight slices. All right. You slice them nice and thin the way Paulie does the garlic and fucking good fellas.

And you got to, you got to have your mix ready though. So they don't turn brown. You stick them in there. You swoosh it around and all that. You make sure it gets all over the place and then, then the fucking the apples all intermingle. You know what I mean? Like, like, like the higher ups don't want us to everybody getting along. I'm fucking with you.

I guess what? I went down to the comedy store yesterday for the first, my first set since my last show in New York and I went down there had the best fucking time. I tried out all this new material and actually walked into the comedy store and you know, they have the original room and then they have the main room. The original room is the part of the original club when they just bought half of it. It used to be a nightclub called seros. And with the original room sits, I think was the back of the main room.

So anyways, whatever. Come out to LA, just walk in, take a look at it. So I go, what's going on in the main room? And they go, Dick Gregory. I go, what? They go, Dick, I go, Dick Gregory is on stage right now. And they were like, yeah, and I went in there and the guy was fucking hilarious. Still funny as hell, still edgy.

He was talking about topical stuff. He was talking about Paris. He was talking about all this just right up to date stuff. He was fucking amazing. So that gave me a charge. So then I go into the original room. They bring me up. I start doing my thing.

Everything's going great. You know, I did my little wage gap gift joke and then I get off stage. Thanks a lot. And all of a sudden this lady, she comes up to me and then she just wants to present her case. She's like, you know, well, actually I'm in my mid thirties. And now I'm at an age now that when I go out with a guy, he wants to go Dutch. He expects me to pay for half. And then I just go, well, yeah, you should, you know, you should.

I don't think it's asking too much. You're in your thirties. You've demonstrated that you're not a first round draft pick at this point. You know, you're fucked up like me. So I know I'm fucked up. I know you're fucked up or maybe too driven to commit to anything. So, you know, we got to keep each other at arm's length here, right? So I pay for my shit.

You pay for your shit. I couldn't be like, I couldn't even listen to like that. That's your big fucking complaint in life that for the first 30 years you got freed fucking food and drinks. Like as a guide, you know how far back into my life I got them. They get to live like eight year olds. And when you were a kid, you just walked around as a kid. You had no money. You went out with your parents.

You had a whole fucking day. You ate. You had drinks. You fucking are not booze, but, you know, cut yourself a high C, whatever the hell you had, you know, went to a ball game, whatever. You never went in your pockets. The life of a kid, you know, you were essentially not like, look, I obviously know women don't just. Not pay for fucking anything, but I'm just saying that when they get courted, you know, you don't have to pay for shit. Generally speaking, right?

So anyway, so she comes up to me and I just didn't want to fucking hear it. And I made the mistake. I treated her like a guy and I feel bad. I just completely, I just gave her shit. And then she was like, oh, you're being mean and everything. I mean, it's a comedy club with comedians. This is what we do. And then she wanted to make her fucking point.

And I just, you know, I saw it and I just walked away. And then of course I made the mistake of asking another comic. I go, is that just too mean there? And he's like, yeah, no, no. Comedian will never say you're too mean. You know what I say? Seen about right. Felt like the right level of it.

That's a pet peeve of mine. I don't like when I'm standing on stage and you could heckle me while I'm making my point. Instead you don't, you wait till I get off stage and then you want to have some fucking, you know, Charlie Rose conversation about what the fuck you think of the job. I don't give a shit at that point. I, you know, I would much rather that you yell out during my show. Like, hey, I'm in my 30s. I got to pay for a date that we could have had that hilarious conversation a little back and forth.

But instead, you know, I got to get off stage and then you come up to me like I'm being debriefed after my shift. You know what I mean? See where I went right. See where I went wrong. Like, I don't want to fucking hear that. But you're more than welcome to heckle me. I don't give a shit. I don't care about that.

You know, I'm up there. It's me in the mic stand. You know, I feel safe. Ah, who's getting new? I was probably too much of an asshole. What do you want from me? So anyways, what the fuck happened to my LSU Tigers? Jesus Christ.

I know I was on the road a lot this year, so I missed most of the season. But I watched the end of the Alabama game. They lost that game and the fucking wheels fell off. Then they got their asses kicked by Arkansas. Who even knew they still had a football program out there? I mean, it's Arkansas. When was the last time you even heard of that state? Bill Clinton was in office and that was only in the first term.

They're the former governor of Little Rock, Arkansas. All right? And by the time he got to his second term, they phased out Arkansas. Like the older brother on happy days, right? No more Chuck. Now he's at school. Now he doesn't exist. Right?

How the fuck do you lose to them? They're not in the Midwest. They're not in the South. They're just there. The name of their capital? Little Rock. It's got little. How does your capital have little in it?

Unbelievable. We fucking lose to them. Wait a minute. What even goes on in Arkansas? For some reason, when I think of Arkansas, I think of an oldsmobile 442. Like a 65 for some reason. They're riding around. I bet they're all driving around old cars, like Cuba.

Like that embargo hit them real hard, too, even though there's no embargo on them. But they're just Arkansas. How the fuck do you lose to Arkansas? I'm just waiting for those fucking Arkansas SEC people. Actually, we're fucking seven and one of them in the conference. I don't care. And then who the fuck did they play this past week? Ole Miss.

You know, right down there on the goal line, and one guy thinks it's a fake play. The other guy's trying to hand it off to him. It was fucking Keystone cops. Keystone cops. That's what kills me. They'll probably end up getting rid of Les Miles. You know what I mean? I love that one bad fucking year, and then all of a sudden you don't know how to coach anymore.

You watch. They'll run them right out. Somebody's got an answer to this. Nobody can just be like, you know what? We had a bad fucking year. It's got to be like, oh, you know what? That's it. You're done.

You don't know how to do this anymore. Does that happen at your guys' jobs? You know what I mean? Say you're working at Staples, right? And you fucking, you're going down to the aisle with the three-ring binders, and you think they're on the left-hand side. They're on the right-hand side. Then they go, you know what?

You just can't do it anymore. It's it. It's over. You've been here for fucking four years. I don't think you know how to work at Staples anymore. I know I'm, I'm, I guess I'm belittling both people. Belittling that job and also belittling the job of working at Staples. I think the job at Staples is the big thing is you hide in the back room

because they have so little people on the floor. If you walk out on the floor, everybody's going to ask you a question, right? You're going to walk out. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. Sir. Sir, yes. Could you tell me where?

My daughter's eighth birthday is coming up, and we want different colored paper claps. Do you know what I mean? That's when you should legally be able to just grab somebody by the back of their head and steer them towards where they need to be. You know? And then like push their head down to see where it is on the shelf. And then as you go to let go, you give them that little push before you do. It causes them to do that half a step and put their hands out like a toddler about ready to fall.

Anyways, I barely watched any football yesterday. I got a couple of things done that were hanging over my head that were going to cause me to not enjoy my fucking holidays. I am now at the age that somebody asked me to write a letter of recommendation for this fucking thing. And I just kept putting it off and putting it off. And I was like, you know, Bill, this person is trying to get on with their life here. So I just sat down and fucking forced all my ADD away. You know, I opened the email, but I looked at a bunch of other emails first. I gradually closed all the windows and I missed all the one o'clock games.

I caught the tail end of the Cowboys game. I was psyched for the Cowboys. How fucking nuts is it that they're undefeated with Tony Romo, but they're 10 games in? It's just a fucking tragedy. They were 2 and 0. Tony breaks, gets his fucking collarbone broken. They lose 7 in a row. They go 0 for fucking 7.

That Tony comes back, boom. It's like he never left. You know, like that old friend you don't see for 20 fucking years and you can see each other, you just start laughing. You pick up right where you left off. Tony Romo. Tony Romo. You know, I want to hear the Cowboys fans bitch about him now.

Huh? There you go. You got what you wanted. You got Tony out of the fucking lineup and look what happened. 0 for fucking 7. So now he's back. Anyone I love is the fucking NFCE sucks so bad that they could actually go on a run and still win the division. You know, that's what's killing me about the Giants right now because I told you I never want to see the Giants again.

I don't give a fuck that we beat them in the regular season. It doesn't matter. I can't handle another. I can handle another Super Bowl loss. I can't handle another loss the way we lose to the Giants. I just can't do it, you know? Tony Romo fades back to pass. His shoe comes off.

He throws the shoe by accident and everybody goes after the shoe attack. He's running with the football. He's at the dirty. That's what it is. I believe I touched that. Fuck that. I can't watch another one of those. John Brady back to pass.

He's got to throw it fucking half a yard to Wes Welker. He throws the ball. I can't. I can't. I can't fucking deal with that. This is what kills me. The Giants who have absolutely shit the bed this year are in first place, I think, with a fucking four and six record or something.

I could just go on the internet and I could look this shit up or I could just wing it. No, who's kidding who? I would love to play the Giants again as long as we win to try to. If it was going to be a 50-50, I'd be like, yeah, I don't need to go through that emotionally anymore. I don't. It fucking kills me how much these stupid losses, you know, I never get a ring. They don't ask me to get on the duck boats for the parade, do they?

Why the fuck do I care? Why am I absolutely elated that the Bruins have won two games in a row right now? Huh? I don't know. I have no idea. Second wing, big win against the Toronto Maple Leafs. I've been at home getting caught up with them. You know, they look all right.

Last couple games, they look all right. Definitely up and down season. So I don't know. I won't pack it in until like February. And in February, they're still doing this stuff. Then they start getting those awful feelings like you almost want your team to lose so they get a better draft pick. But I can't, I can't fucking do that.

But anyways, oh, did I miss it yesterday? Did the Islanders and Canadians play? Joe Bartnick from Puckoff told me that there was going to be bad blood. There's going to be some bad blood in that game. I think I fucking missed it. So anyways, but the big game tonight is... is Patriots vs. the Bills. So I'm going to try to do my best to get in front of a TV so I can listen to Bills fans

talking shit again about what they're going to do, what we should have done. Right? They're going to get all like, fuck you, we're going to kick you fucking ass. We've got to text from somebody. So one of my friends out there, I think the Shreddon Reagan show, they texted me going, the Patriots are going to get their asses whipped. And I just wrote back, who are they playing? They're playing the Bills this year's Super Bowl champion.

And I just wrote back, I said, well, it should be a great game. You guys have a wonderful defense. Good luck. What if he fuses all of this shit out? Why are you talking shit? You know what I mean? Dude, you're going to fucking come in there and fucking, he's going to do it. You're going to fucking, what if he doesn't?

And what if he does? What are you going to do? Huh? You're going to sit there and grow your mantits with me? You don't want to fucking do it. You know, when I was watching the Bruins game, I was so disgusted with myself. I had this workout for like the last two periods. Every five minutes of the game, I would do 25 push-ups.

It's an easy way to do 200. You know what I mean? You get nice long rests depending on how many penalties are called and commercial breaks. Just every five minutes, you bang out 25. I got to do something, guys. I made three fucking pies. I'm in trouble here. But the key is I haven't had one yet.

So I don't have the crack rolling around in my fucking system. All right. Here we go. Let me do some reads here for this fucking weekend. Of course, I got to type in my fucking podcast. My password, sorry. See that? I can't do two things at once.

Like the women can't. Like the ladies. All right. What the fuck is it? Oh, here we go. The old favorites here. We only got a couple this week. All right.

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I want to thank everybody that bought tickets for this thing. The tickets are selling faster than ever and that just reminded me with the me undies thing, the stocking stuffer. It makes a great stocking stuffer. All right, you get to see some of the top comics in the country honoring the greatest comic I ever saw live and honoring his memory and helping out his loved ones. I'm just going to be at the New York City Center on Tuesday, January 26th.

You know, you just go to the friggin' website. I'll retweet the link once again today. I got the date up on my website, the whole damn thing. The great thing about this, great gift to get to somebody and all you got to do, go on the internet, click, click, click, bang, bang, boom, you're done. Stick it in the stocking and then you can go right over to Spike and your eggnog. All right, and then also, an old friend of mine has a new album coming out. If you guys like straight ahead blues, someone that can absolutely fucking shred on the guitar

and has a fucking voice to match, Felicia Collins has a new album out called Felicia Collins discovers the blues, straight ahead blues album. She sent me a couple of the tracks. Me and Bartnick were listening to it the other night. Bartnick was over here watching Chicago, Vancouver, and absolutely blown away. For those of you, David Letterman fans, she played in the CBS Orchestra and she was actually there when they were way back when they were on NBC. So obviously the show's over and now she's stretching out, so check it out.

Tuesday, Felicia Collins' new album, Felicia Collins discovers the blues. All right, then what else do I got coming up? I have, of course, Effis for Family is out on December 18th. And oh, and Pete Corrielli is going to be a guest on the Thursday afternoon podcast just before Friday next week to promote, I believe, his new stand-up special on Showtime, which I heard is getting rave reviews. He's one of my favorite comics of all time and he's a great guy to go and see before he fucking blows up because he's that level funny.

All right, and with that babbling, let's march on here with the podcast. What was I going to say? Yeah, so I got it. I'm going to go to the fucking gym today at the second I do this. So this is my game plan. I'm going to do an hour on the elliptical today, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I'm doing the Joe Rogan's podcast on Tuesday tomorrow. So I might bring some of that pie that I made over to him, you know,

which would be a cool thing to do for the holidays, plus then I don't have it around here, so I'm not fucking eating it, right? And then all they do is eat one. I think that could work, right? You've got to give away some of it. But I'm going to do, yeah, three hours of that by Thanksgiving. My one bad day is going to be Thanksgiving, and then I'm just going to try to, I got to turn around, guys.

If I go back up to the 180s, I'm going to be so fucking depressed. I just don't want to be that fucking guy at the start of the year like, oh, I'm going to fucking, here we go. I'm going to fucking get in shape, you know? You know what that's like? You know, it's like starting a year as a fat fuck who's got to drop like fucking 20, 30, 40, 50, 100 fucking pounds. It's the worst.

Why not get started now and not do the fucking damage? You know what I mean? You know that awesome feeling you get, you know, if before you go to work, you make the bed and you come home and the bed's made. You know that fucking feeling? Or maybe the night before you did all the dishes and you wake up to make breakfast and there's no dishes from the night before. That, that, that ahead of the game feeling, you know, or at least I'm even.

You know what I mean? Like I don't get to start my day doing yesterday's bullshit plus whatever the fuck hits me today. That's what it's like to be on January 1st to actually be in shape. And I don't think I've done that since my 20s. So I'm really going to try and it always helps me to announce it on the podcast that I'm going to fucking do it because I know you guys will fucking, you guys are going to check in on me and you're going to give me shit when I, you know, if I'm not talking about it, you know, I'm not doing well.

And God knows you guys like to be mean, but I probably deserve it. After what a cunt I was to that lady last night, I wasn't even a cunt. It's just the fact that she's a woman and you're just supposed, you know, you're just supposed to let them win. Be like, oh, wow, wow. Yeah, you, you, you and you. Yeah, that's exactly what the joke was about. It was all about you.

All of you, why not talk about all of you? You're so interesting. Please tell me another story about your dumb day and what you said. Oh my God, what you were like. So I said this and then she said that. And then I was like, ladies, how do you not see the pain in your man's face when you're doing that? You know what I mean?

I see the pain in my wife's face when I try to talk to her about a game. It was fucking two minutes left, right? Patriots are getting killed on defense, right? We get the ball back. Tom Brady throws the ball. Giant guy grabs and he fucking lands on his stomach, knocks his wind out. And by then it's just fucking over. She just starts making fun of me.

Really? Oh my God. All that summation. Give a fuck. You know, but if I don't listen to her fucking stories, oh Jesus. Oh, forget about it. It's a big goddamn, I don't know what it is. Anyways, let's get to some of the reads for this week.

Okay. Yeah, but it's fine. It's absolutely fine. Oh, I'm doing the comedy jam tonight. All right, with the fucking, the fucking text messages there. Let's read the text message. Oh, was that somebody else who saw the F's for family? Yeah, they saw the trailer.

People are liking the trailer. Thank Christ. All right. Venue. Dear Billy Bigshot. Now that you've done the mother of all venues with MSG, what non-traditional venue would you like to play? Like something like the Great Wall of China? Congrats on your year.

Go fuck yourself. No, there's still, there's still a bunch that I would love to play. Royal Albert Hall is on my bucket list. And then there's also, there's a bunch of theaters that I would still like to play or continue playing. There's the one out here in California and Long Beach, the Long Beach, something or other, where Richard Pryor did his live and concert. I already did a show at the Palladium. That's where he did live on the Sunset Strip. And I forget if the, the one that he performed at when he did is here and now, which I think was in New Orleans.

I got to see if that one still exists. But I really, I like doing those old theaters. I like doing them. It's like going to old ball parks and hear all the people that were there. Like last night when we were down the, the comedy store, this is just characters just show up, right? Dick Gregory's on stage. And then this other guy comes in because he knew Dick Gregory. He was the publicist for seros.

There was this nightclub, I said, before it became the comedy store. And, you know, when Frank, Dean, Sammy, and all them were down there, he was just naming all of these fucking names. He said, yeah, he goes, I first came here in 1950. So I'm immediately doing the math going, Jesus Christ, if this guy was like 20 in 1950, that's 65 fucking years ago. He's 85. He didn't look like he was in his 80s. He actually looked great. But so let's see what venue, you know, Red Rocks.

I performed there though, but I, I did Red Rocks when it was, there was some sort of animation thing going on after it. So Wendy at the comic comedy works got me the gig and we went out there. But it was cool to be at Red Rocks, but they weren't there for me. They were there for the fucking film. So there was a lot of chatter. But a lot of the things on my bucket list are venues that that either bands played in that I love and had some live album there or as comedians that did a special there. So I thought when I was in Hammer Town there up in fucking Toronto, Ontario. I mean, I know Ontario, not Toronto.

They just kept calling it Hammer Town. I can't even remember the name of the town, but it's south of Toronto. I didn't realize I performed until after I was there. I performed at the theater where Bill Cosby did Bill Cosby himself, arguably the greatest special of all time. You know, now what he did afterwards, I don't want to get involved in that. So that was cool. I did. Yeah, that's a great question.

I don't know. I just want to keep going. I like going to venues that I'd never been to. You know what I really enjoyed this year is when I was doing the tour of California, going to Reno and Bakersfield and Fresno, and they were along the old school highways where people were psyched. Like the highway went right down Main Street, so they would have some big fancy sign. You know, Reno, biggest little town in, you know, the West, Fresno, you know, whatever the fuck their slogan is. You know, they would always have like town and then some sort of slogan. Bakersfield like, hey, stop and stay a while.

You know, some corny shit. But I really liked that Route 66 type of stuff. And as far as Europe goes, that's to me is all about World War II, World War I, those, you know, those types of places. But as far as performing, I don't know enough about Europe and that type of thing. I did look up, you know, AC DC where they recorded, if you want blood, their live album. That was a place I believe was in Glasgow or Edinburgh. I want to say Glasgow, but the venue doesn't exist anymore. So, yeah, so I would say that I get a big charge out of a music place because I'm a, you know, total nerd when it comes to that shit.

And I remember when I was in England, London, a couple of years ago, accidentally coming upon that Ronnie Scots. And I saw Jeff Beck have one of the great fucking, was him Vinnie Caliuta and that chick on bass and they just were fucking unbelievable. Like Jimmy Page was in the crowd, you know, sinking down in his seat like, oh yeah, I stole that riff. I remember stealing that one from him, nicking it, I believe as they call it. So yeah, there's still plenty left. And the MSG for me was not as much as it was a high water market. It wasn't like this, you know, and now I just slide down the back nine for me. It was, it just felt more like an honor to be there.

And it was mine for an hour and a half. And then, you know, the second you leave, somebody else's name was on the marquee. And it's like, well, I got to do that. But I gotta tell you, I had just as much fun fucking around with the new stuff, you know. It's hard to describe unless you're committing the excitement of new stuff. Like, oh, I get to say new shit. I have to keep saying this stuff and trying to figure out how to make this fucking new again tonight. So anyway, so yeah, I would say Royal Albert Hall is like the next one I'm really thinking about.

But there's no way there isn't something in Ireland or something in Scotland or Finland, Norway. I mean, I think I'm doing a tour of the fucking Eastern Europe. It'd be crazy to play a venue that like fucking like Hitler or Stalin or Mussolini, one of those fascists. Well, now I guess Stalin wasn't a fascist, but one of those fucking maniacs gave a speech. And you know, it still exists, you know, fucking nuts, right? I don't know. All right, baking. Hey, Bill.

Baking Bill. I'm thinking about surprising my girlfriend and her family by bringing over a homemade pie for Thanksgiving. All right, dude, I got you. I'm going to make two pies because one isn't enough. I'm thinking about apple and pumpkin also because also please know that apple capitalizes apple. As if there's no such thing as fruit. Oh, the apple company. Anyways, I know from previous years that you're killing it in the kitchen.

Oh, thank you. Before I call my mom and get her two cents from you, can I get some pointers? Some basic dos and don'ts when getting into it. Should I avoid either apple, the fruit or pumpkin? Thanks. Pumpkin pie is an easy recipe. Apple pies work as far as the filling, but it's also fucking, you know, it's apples and cinnamon, man. I mean, come on.

I'll give you the biggest. The filling is easy. All right, the thing that scares and intimidates people is doing the, oh my God, guys, do I have to make a fucking pie crust making video? I'll fucking do it. I'll put on the apron. I'll put on the apron in a silly hat. You want to, I'll do that for you for fucking Thanksgiving. How about that?

I will make a fucking pie video pie crust video. But if you're going to do it right now, because I won't get the video up in time, I will show you. I'll try to walk you through it. All right. So the recipe that I use, it's two cups of all purpose flour, the kinds that people say, you know, you're going to die. If you eat it, that's what you want with the pie. You don't want to go any low fat. You don't want to go wheat.

You don't want to do any of that fucking stinky feet Seattle thing up with it. All right. You want to go Midwest Chicago heart attack. All right, you're making a pie. You want to be healthy. Go have a fucking salad. That's not what we're doing here. That's not what will stop your crying and get out of my kitchen.

Right. You know, it's funny. There's roofers fixing something on my fucking roof. That's never going to be fixed. And they probably just heard me yell that now stop your crying and get out of my kitchen. You know, that's how rumors start. I know that guy. That guy tells jokes.

Yeah, he's fucking verbally abusive to his wife. Anyway, so what you want to do is you two cups of flour. Okay. And you get yourself a sifter. Right. And there's always a little bit of salt. Go easy on the salt, like an eighth of a teaspoon. So what I do is I take the cup of fucking flour.

I pour it into the sifter and the sifter is sitting in the bowl that you're going to sift into. Don't just pour it into the sifter. It's going to end up on your counter. You don't want that. Right. So you pour in one cup, then you put in your salt and you put your next cup over it. Then you sit. Right.

It comes fucking out. Then, uh, and then you add your shortening. Right. I use a stick of butter. Sorry. You want it to be cold so it's not too fucking mushy. Uh, take it out of the fridge. You just cut it up and like, you know, eighth of an inch slices, you put it in there and

then with your little fucking thing that you had, see, this is why I'm going to do a video. You just, you want to cover it. Right. And then you put your shortening in and then cover that. You want it to be all like, uh, like you're making a fucking meatball. You want to get the breadcrumbs all over except it's the flour. And then when you do that, you just lightly tap all the way around. You know, you're letting that shortening stuff kind of get into it.

Then you go a little harder, a little harder, gets a little mealy. Once it's a little mealy, you start adding your water. I got to make a video. I got to make a video and I can also show you how much you can fuck up a crust and still save it. And, uh, uh, you know what? I got to do it. I'll actually do that. But as far, listen, man, pumpkin pie is great, but if you want to knock people on their ass,

you got to make an apple pie. And I get three different types of apples. Uh, throw Granny Smith in there. So you got a bitter thing and then something else for a little sweeter taste. You know, a little surf and turf going on in there. And, uh, you just make sure you use enough cinnamon. You know what I mean? I use about a half, a healthy half a teaspoon.

What has happened to me? I'm literally just sitting here talking about this shit like I'm about right. Like it's, this is a fucking game plan to win the fucking football game tonight. Um, all right. So anyways, holiday wedding, uh, Billy bells. My friend from college is getting married, uh, this Sunday after Christmas. Oh Jesus, what a stupid time to do that was because everybody's in your hometown. He goes, is there a worse time for a wedding?

No. Can you believe that it's in upstate New York? Of course I can. If he's going to be a cunt, he's going to go all the way with it. I'm sure it'd be fun once I got there, but I'm thinking about skipping the circumstances and the grounds for not going, right? Absolutely they are. Fuck that.

Fuck that. You know what I mean? I always think that when people do shit like that anyways, it means one of two things. They're kind of hoping most people won't show up or two, they don't have enough money to throw a good wedding anyway. So all that great food, you're going to walk away from that to go up there and fucking eat hamburger helper, you know, standing out on the stage, eating on the fucking dance floor, eating a steak.

Celebrate good times. Come on. And you know one of your friends is going to cancel last second that agreed to go and you're going to fucking show up there. There's some shit food being served right here now from fucking shitty food. It's going to come out your ass. Yeah. Fuck that.

Fuck that. And he can never give you shit. All you got to do for the rest of your life when he gives you shit or she gives you shit or whatever about not going just, you just, you know, you're sitting at the bar and they're fucking around your fucking ear. You don't, you just keep looking straight ahead and you just put, throw your hands out and you just go, you got married on the Sunday after Christmas. Who does that?

That's it. And as they started to defend it, you just talk over, married at the Sunday after Christmas. When? The Sunday after Christmas. It's almost like he didn't want me to be there. Huh? If you get divorced, when are you going to get married this time? Fucking New Year's Day.

The fuck out of here. What do you think? You're better than Santa Claus? You're better than the baby Jesus? Huh? You think you're better than the prime rip my mother makes on Christmas day? You motherfucker? Where the fuck do you get to upstate New York?

How dare you? I'm going to be that fucking person driving in a station wagon. Fucking Sunday after Christmas. Get the fuck, this is like my time off. This is my time off. This is my time. Okay? I'm going to go to a goddamn wedding.

Oh, that just reeks of like my friend got ordained as a fucking preacher. He's going to go up there in his fucking street clothes. Oh yeah. I bet they're getting married in like the basement of a fucking holiday inn. And the ceremony is going to be going and the door to the function room is still going to be open. And people are going to be randomly walking by looking at it. You know, they got to keep the door open because there's no bathroom in the function room. So you got to walk out.

Oh, that's a shit show. Jesus Christ, dude. That's like a sales meeting you don't want to go to. Well, you know what? I've convinced myself that I wouldn't go. I don't know what you're thinking, but I wouldn't go. That's totally grounds for skipping. A wedding alone is grounds for skipping.

Who the fuck wants to go to that? Unless you're still in your 20s and then, you know, then it's a good time. You want to go to a wedding single, right? Go there and maybe bang somebody, right? Have a good time. You don't go there. You know, if you're not married, then eventually she's going to look up. What are we going to do this?

Well, you think of it just fucking running, doing a running jump right off the balcony. All right, sleep trouble. Sleep trouble. All right. Hey, Bill, I just started traveling for work and getting a good night's sleep is brutal. Yes, it is. I'm not trying ambient or increasing my alcohol intake. How do you deal with all the travel?

Alcohol. Do you use one of those stupid neck pillows? Nope. Hotel beds aren't bad. If I do sleep well, I end up waking up feeling comatose, which leads me to being more tired because those beds are huge and soft and I don't want to get out of bed. You're also making up for the sleep that you didn't get on other nights, which you can't really do. You know, there's that weird thing that if like say, you know, you got six hours one night

and then 10 hours the next night. So you got, you know, it averages out to eight hours. It still doesn't work that way for some reason. You can't retroactively like when you miss out on whatever it is you need. Some people only need six. Some people just need four. But if you need like whatever the fuck you need, I'm saying if you come up short, you can't just sleep extra one day and then even it off.

It usually takes like a week. Like I've been fucking sleeping this whole week, falling asleep like an old person. So, but anyways, let me continue. And I don't want to get out of the bed. It hasn't happened yet, but I can see it's slowly turning me into a grouchy asshole. How do you do it? Well, you were a cherry fellow before hitting the road. Thanks for the free laughs.

How do I do it? I'm German Irish. That's how I do it. We're not in touch with our feelings. So even if I am tired, I'm just naturally trained to block it out. And I just get up and then I go. But however, every once in a while, when I do make a conscious effort to think about slowing down and relaxing and not having something to achieve every fucking day, be it picking up dry cleaning or writing a new joke.

I suddenly become aware of how tired I am. So what I would do is yet is not not not use any of the drugs. And I also wouldn't fuck with alcohol. I wouldn't do that either. What I would do is work out in the morning and then go to your job, whatever it is that you do. And then at night, because you were working all day and you worked out, you'll actually go to sleep. If you just get into the good habits out there, it's not that bad. But I don't know.

Biggest thing that I found is food. Food is difficult. And if you're doing like a bunch of one nighters, if you're like a traveling salesman kind of fucking thing, selling your widgets or whatever, that's when it gets hard because you spend your day traveling and then you arrive at the hotel. You're fucking hungry, but you got to go to your gig. So you usually end up, you know, be like, hey, do you guys have anything healthy? We got an apple base. Oh yeah, do they deliver?

Yeah, they sure don't. They sure don't. Notting yes, they sure don't. You should shake your head, no. Can I get what I need? You sure can't. Not in this town. So then you, then they always have like fucking menus and they're always going to give you some Chinese food,

which is just, is going to be unfucking believable or absolutely horrific. Depending on, you know, it has nothing to do with where you're at. Every fucking town in the United States has Chinese food, I believe. And every town has a Chinese family that moved there, right? For the most part, or at least within two towns, there's a Chinese family that moved there and they will make that fucking food. Now, whether or not there are people from China that know how to cook, that's the fucking rub. You know, if you never know, have you ever roast that? I've been in the middle of fucking Kansas.

And I got some of the best sushi I've ever had. Japanese family, middle of fucking Kansas. It's like, how did you end up out here? This is unbelievable. Most of the white people I know didn't end up out here. How did you, from Japan, end up in Olathe fucking Kansas? Oh, speaking of bucket list, man, I have like a bunch of college basketball games I want to go to. I want to go to Kentucky.

I've always been a Kansas fan. I don't know why. I want to go to their facility. I want to go to a Duke Carolina game at Carolina and at Duke. I've been to UCLA. Who else is a big basketball program? Georgetown, Syracuse, you know, the Red Men, St. John's Red Men, what the fuck they called now, the Red Storm. I grew up on Big East basketball, but I used to love watching all of that shit.

So I've been to Indiana. I told you guys, I went to Indiana University basketball game when Bobby Knight was still on the team. I was, I could not fucking believe the level of which that guy was screaming at his players. It was insane. Coming all the way out his fucking head just snapping. They let up an easy bucket and the point guard was bringing it up the court and the fucking guy, I swear to God, he walked like 10 feet out into the court. Everybody was just like intimidated by him. I just, it just annoyed me.

I wanted to see like somebody stand up to him, you know, give the guy a nice verbal fucking slap. But it never happened. That guy, classic example, ego completely out of fucking control. When he started buying into being Bobby Knight and he started doing those, I'm going to be Bobby Knight. You know, what is, what is a game face? I never understood that. And he starts mugging to the camera. Or when he goes, you know, I hope when my credits bury me, they bury me face down so they can kiss my ass.

I was like, God, shut up. Have another drink. I just make fun of Bobby Knight. What the fuck is wrong with me? Yeah, so I'm doing the goddamn comedy jam tonight at the, let me leave the Lyric Theater on La Brea. And looking forward to doing that. I got, yeah, I don't want to tell you guys, I got nothing else. I can't even do a fucking hour.

That's, that's how little I've been doing this week. I got caught up on Peaky Blinders. I don't know nothing about it. Peaky Blinders with subtitles. I'm up to the first episode of season two. So I'm going to blow through that this week. And then my wife is watching Bloodline. I believe that's the name of it with Norbert Leo Butts, who I did a failed pilot with a long time ago.

And he's a fucking great guy. And I keep walking in there and he's absolutely crushing every scene. And so I got to watch it out of solidarity. We actually, a long time ago, did a fucking pilot. Did I ever tell you guys this fucking story? We did a pilot and they wanted edgy. All right. I thought I told you guys this one, whatever, who gets a fuck?

They wanted edgy. Okay. It was, you know, and they were letting us go really far. And the pilot name was playing chicken was the name of this pilot. And the premise was me and Norbert were brothers. He was Republican and I was Democrat. And Norbert's character was paralyzed from the waist down. And he was paralyzed because he was playing chicken on a fucking jet ski and neither person turned away.

And he got paralyzed. So that's what's the name of it. So that's already the fucking premise. So he was like over the top fuck homeless people and all that shit. So anyway, so we're doing, you know, whatever, they write this edgy fucking pilot. And writers were about ready to do the fucking run through. Where all the fucking major network guys come down. It's basically you do, it's basically it's like a live play.

All right, let me just give you a little back. Basically what happens is if you're on a sitcom, you have the table read on Monday, right? If it kills, you go upstairs and you do a bunch of blocking in the fake living rooms and all that, which is basically, I'm going to stand over here when I do this. You go through the whole fucking thing. If it bombs and they know that they're going to rewrite a lot of shit, you have a quick fucking day like, well, we're going to get a new script tonight. And this will be, you know, a little bit different.

So then Tuesday comes around, you fucking rehearse it. You still got your script in hand. And then you do a run through. And it's just for the production company, like whoever's, you know, making the thing. So that's friendly fire there. You know, those are like the executive producers and the people that wrote it, the writers and all that. So they watch it and they see what's working, what isn't, what needs to be fixed, what can stay the same, what they can add on to.

And then Wednesday is the network run through. And that's when the people that can cancel your fucking show, show up and leave their sense of humor at the fucking door, right? So that's always a nerve wracking fucking day. And you go out there and if you do a couple of lines, they don't get laughs. You start getting in your head like you're going to get fired, you know? And as you're walking from one fake living room to the fake bar or coffee house that you hang out, the only sound you hear is the shoes of the fucking executives walking over to the next fucking, the next scene. So anyway, so we're doing this fucking pilot and the opening scene is we're sitting there at some ice cream place, eating ice cream.

And this homeless guy, whatever, we're having a back and forth and this homeless guy comes up and asks for money. So I, of course, being the liberal go to give some money. And Norbert's character being the conservative guy, you know, basically tells the guy to fuck off. So everybody's loving it. He actually flicked ice cream at him. Oh, he decided he was going to do that during the fucking run through because we weren't going to do it all day long. Flicking ice cream at him be a fucking mess. So he just kept miming flicking the ice cream.

That's what it was. So anyways, people are digging the pilot, you know, the producers and all the writers are all thinking it's funny. They're laughing it up. We do the regular run through. It's going great. So now we got the network run through, but the next day and it just so happens that during that week or whatever, Don Imus said the nappy headed hose fucking comment. And for whatever reason, all hell fucking breaks loose like, you know, Hitler's back. And it becomes this big fucking lightning rod thing that allows a bunch of people who don't, you know, want to increase the fines with the FCC and all this shit.

All basically what this one guy said on the radio trickles all the way down to our pilot that has these fucking suits nervous. You know, just in general about we better watch our step because Don Imus, I don't know what lost some advertising money. So they were in that fucking headspace and they come down to our show where we got a half paralyzed guy, you know, and the opening scene. We're doing the scene. It's getting zero laughs. And I remember the homeless guy walked out and they even gasped at that because they really made him look homeless. He was really dirty. And Norbert goes, all the jokes are bombing.

And he goes and turns around and flips this fucking glob of ice cream and hits the actor right in the face and they gasped. And no laugh. I mean, I thought it was going to kill. We thought it was the funniest shit ever. They, there wasn't a fucking date. They just gasped. And then it ended, right? And then just the sound of their shoes shuffling all the way down to the other side of the set for the next fucking scene.

And dude, it was the worst run through I've ever been in. I'm talking, there was zero laughs. It was dead fucking silence. And I just remember walking by this one actress, she delivered her line and it got nothing. And she walked by looking at me like what the fuck is happening. And I almost burst it out laughing because for actors, it's like, fuck, I'm going to get fired and I'm going to be unemployed again. For a comedian, I can still, I'm not, I'm not unemployed. I can just go back to doing shows.

The fact that I'm on this thing is just gravy. So the look on her face was just, I mean, I don't want her to be out of work, but it was just funny to me. So the more it was bombing them, the harder I committed to what I was doing, just because if you're going to bomb, you might as well just fucking do the triple Lindy. So I was just going bigger and it just was just dead fucking silence. So the run through ends, I mean, you can hear a fucking pin drop. And it was to the point is like, dude, I didn't think they're going to shoot this fucking thing. So me and Norbert went back to the hotel. We go right to the bar and we just start laughing going, I'm getting fired.

He's going, no, I'm getting fired and we had like a bet who's going to get fired. It's like somebody's going down for that. It's like, you know, like LSU loses three in a row. Somebody's got to pay the price. Somebody's getting fucking fired. So they ended up showing up and they would talk to both of us individually in the, in our hotel rooms. I remember the guy that directed the thing. He came walking into my room and just sat down on my bed and started eating the peanuts, my peanuts without asking.

And I was the most arrogant thing I'd ever seen in my life. I was just sitting there going like, it still bugs me to this day. I didn't say anything to that guy. But anyways, so they fucking, so they ended up toning this whole fucking thing down. Right. They go, look, we're not going to, we're not going to get rid of you guys. It was the wrong tone, blah, blah, blah. And then what ended up happening was they fucking dialed it back like 40% really took all the balls out of it.

And then, you know, a few days later, we shot the pilot from a live studio audience and it actually killed. It went great, but it didn't end up getting picked up. And, and that's my, that's my story about bombing. Sorry guys, I had to go in the well there, man. I ran out of fucking stories to tell you for this week. All I know is that the bills are playing the Patriots tonight in Gillette Stadium. Anything can happen. They just don't have a quarterback.

They got a great defense though. So we'll see what happens. I don't think the Patriots losing one game is the worst fucking thing. I think it's actually better, man. It makes people focus on somebody else. So, you know, worst case scenario when nine and one, I'm on vacation, you know, I'm having a good time here. So that is it. I'll talk to you guys on Thanksgiving.

I'll try to make a pie crust video. I'm going to do that shit. Why not? I said I was going to do it, right? That'll be me giving back. Giving thanks to you guys listening to the podcast. I'm doing and listening to either Joe Rogan podcast, Joe Rogan experience. I'm going to be doing that tomorrow.

And I think that's it. Happy Thanksgiving to everybody. If you're traveling, you don't have time to listen to this podcast. I don't get a chance to say it. Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you to everybody that's coming out to my show over the years from the bottom of my heart. I really appreciate it. And that's it.

Go fuck yourselves. And I'll check it on Thursday. I'll see you guys next week. All the time.