Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-23-20

Episode Date: November 23, 2020

Bill rambles live from the Troubadour about Quiet Riot, life in the Middle east, and more dumb questions for employees.Troubadour posters on sale Wednesday November 25 @10am at www.Troubadour.com

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Trust your Instinct, follow your understanding. Information and information on bmw.be Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. How are you? I got the video this time, huh? Look out, Joe Rogan. I'm coming for you, man. I'm fucking with you. Someone will somehow try to make that negative. I'm back here at the Troubadour.

I'm back here at the Troubadour. One of the great places, Rocker-Roll History, we're helping them out here by, you know, we're going to be selling some posters, autograph posters. Did I sign those yet? I haven't, have I? All right. Autograph posters and help raise a little bit of money, help save these live venues for when the smart people, the doctors, finally get a cure for this thing, right?

And then they can inoculate all the fucking dumb cunts who won't wear a fucking mask, who will not wear a mask. Speaking of that, I was... How do I tell this story? I'm just going to tell it. I'm just going to tell it to you. I'm going to tell it to you, and I'm going to tell it to you. I'm just editing to your life right now. All right, so I was telling this story about that gig I tried to do

down when I was down like the beach, you know, and I showed up and the owner of the club wasn't wearing a mask and everybody was all jammed in and I was going like, I'm like, dude, where's your mask? And she was just like, oh, you're from L.A. In a long story short, I'm like, yeah. And she goes, oh, you know, we're down near the beach. You know, you don't get it. You know, we got the breeze.

And she was trying to say that the breeze would just, I don't know, make the virus relax so it can like, you know, put its feet up with some shit, right? So, you know, so what happens? I'm telling this story because it was ridiculous. It was fucking... It's everything that makes the internet ridiculous. See, when I was growing up, you had to accomplish something

to get published. You had to demonstrate, if you're going to be a talking head, you had to get, I don't know, some sort of degree, something. Now, at the internet, anybody can chime in, which is fine, but the problem is, is everybody thinks they're smart. And the reality is, is if you look at your high school transcript, you weren't that smart, were you? Or maybe you weren't. Maybe you were the valedictorian.

But what do those fucking people usually end up doing? They're book smart. If you write it down, they'll read it. And then you ask them the question, and they can vomit out what the fuck they just read. Doesn't it make you smart? It just means you can remember shit. So then in life, you've got all of these super smart people that got straight A's, they spend the rest of their life

just running out, getting people shit, because they can remember. It makes no sense. Anyway, I'm telling this fucking story. Let's talk to this camera over here. I'm going to work it. Like all the great front men that have been up here. What about the front women? This place has been sexist for years. There's never been a woman on this stage.

It's why I'm down here supporting it. Kidding. So I'm telling this story to a group of people, over Zoom, being safe. I tell them this story of this lady telling me, you know, like, hey, man, like, you know, you're down on the beach, we've got debris. So I just tell them this story, and people laugh.

And then one person in the group goes, you know, if you took mushrooms, you could get past that. And I'm like, I didn't say what I was thinking what, because I didn't know the rest of the people in the group and I didn't want to be a cunt. So I just, I think I must have said what I got. What do you mean?

He goes, yeah, he goes, you could get past that and then you could see yourself in her. Now, all I wanted to say was that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my fucking life. Like, this isn't about having empathy. This is about being a fucking moron in the middle of a fucking pandemic. I'm so sick of people taking mushrooms

and then acting like they're fucking, you know, they sat down with a Native American and smoked some sort of peace pipe and they understand how the universe comes together. You know, if you took mushrooms, maybe this reality is just like a dream and like the whole relation to even like this chair. Is it an idea of a chair?

Or is it just like, or maybe you're on mushrooms and I'm sober. How about that? That's what I, hallucinating sounds tremendous to me. I am not anti that. If I wasn't a fucking psycho, I would be eating mushrooms every day. It's just, I don't need to see the demons in my head come to life.

They've been in there a long fucking time and I don't want to let them out. So, but I think there's nothing wrong with doing that type of shit. I am actually envious of people that do it, go out in the desert man and fucking take peyote. It sounds fucking awesome. It sounds as awesome as cocaine and heroin sound terrifying and just in pills, all that shit.

It seems like this like happy shit, you know, cool shit to do and then the fucked up shit, right? Because everybody I know who's sober still smokes weed and fucking takes mushrooms. It's Josh Adam Myers calls it California sober. So anyway, yeah, I'm just getting so fucking sick of this, this like, I don't mind it, you know, doesn't bother me if somebody like takes hallucinogens,

but however you say the word, but just don't fucking come at me like you're now smarter. Like these fucking people are going like, dude, you take mushrooms and like reset your brain. It's like hitting the refresh button on your laptop. And it's like, I'm sorry and where did you go to medical school? Or my other favorite thing is whatever happened to them is now going to happen to you because it happened to them

and evidently they are the litmus test. I mean, litmus? Litmus, litmus test, right? Jesus Christ. I mean, you fucking look at these goddamn scientists who are smart. Okay, they don't just torture one rat to death. They do it to hundreds. They didn't just take the shampoo and rub it one rabbit's eyes.

They did it to a whole generation. And that's why I hadn't shoulders worked so well because they just didn't do it to one fucking rabbit and be like, okay, now it works. The amount of animals that you would have to kill before you could draw a conclusion to tell me what mushrooms do to my brains is just like off the charts, you know?

And that's why these fucking PETA people need to be put down like all these dogs that are trying to save. Oh, look, here's my tea. Huh? I brought a tea bag. You know what's funny, there's no way to say tea bag without snickering a little bit.

I brought a tea bag. I'll tell you what's wrong with this country. When I was a kid, a tea bag was a tea bag. It wasn't about dropping your balls in some woman's mouth you just met. Well, I'm very excited to be back here as I'm sitting here doing this. It's probably annoying as hell to people listening.

I don't want to hear what, taking a tea bag out, sticking in, I finally learned how to drink tea. Do you know that? My dumb ass, not only would I leave the bag in there, I would also still try and drink it while it was piping hot. And what I've learned is if you just fucking patient, it's going to come down to a nice temperature. You take the bag out,

and then you sip and you drink it. And then you tell people about the mushrooms you took. You know, if you took mushrooms, you could let that go. I could see if I just brought it up out of nowhere. We were talking about the pandemic. Maybe I need to take mushrooms to let this guy tell me to take mushrooms to let that go. I don't know what it is.

Anyway, so yesterday, I watched an amazing documentary on YouTube. I'm big on YouTube, man. I like that shit. You give them your credit card, you just fucking ran a movie. It's like four bucks. So I rented this documentary on Quiet Riot. I forget what the fuck it was called.

It was a lyric to one of their songs that I know. Let me see what it is here. Hang on a second. It's from Bang Your Head. Bang Your Head. You know the song? I got the power. What is it?

I got some like an alligator. Remember that? How does that? I'm a laser. Six string and razor. He probably sang it right on the stage. I got a mouth like an alligator. Well, while you're here, there's no way back.

I'm like, that's an odd name for a fucking documentary. And then I realized it was lyrics to that song that I heard. Well, while you're here and there's no way back. Bang your head. So anyway, so I watched the fucking thing. And, you know, Frankie Benelli, breasted his soul, was doing the thing and you got to see like, he's just one of those drummers like the second he sits down,

you almost hear a thud. Fucking rock drummer, fucking awesome drummer. And it's an amazing story of that band and that album. Metal health and how it kicked in the door basically for the whole sunset strip and all of these bands were able to run through this porthole that they created because the album went number one and forget the two. It passed the police synchronicity and Michael Jackson thriller. I mean, this fucking album was huge.

So it caused the entire music business industry to be like, holy shit, where the fuck are these guys from? And then they came down and all of that stuff that you've seen, all of these bands that ran through that door. I would guess anyone from Motley Crude, Guns N' Roses and all those bands that I grew up with that I love. So it was a really amazing documentary and the level of comedy in it is fucking amazing.

Just the sheer amount of band members, the bass player, every time they go to a gig like his fucking amp doesn't work and it's always right as they are not like it works at soundcheck. And then they'll just be like, ladies and gentlemen coming to the stage and be like, I got no power. Why do I have no power? So they had that shit. They had like a fucking 90 lead singer. So anyway, the lead singer dies unfortunately, Kevin DeBro.

So now they got to get a new lead singer. So then you got to choose. You got to be like, all right, we're going to get like a proven guy. Are we just going to go out there and try and get somebody that sounds like him? So they went that road. They tried to get somebody that sounded like him. And they get this fucking dude in there who is basically painting houses. He comes into the audition and just fucking crushes it. Sounds just like Kevin DeBro.

But the thing is, is he looks like a fucking lobster fisherman. He's got like his hair so white and yellow. It's like hanging down. He just looks like, I don't know. It's like he looks like he played in like the NFL in the 1950s when there was the idea of face masks were just coming around, right? This guy, this guy lived a life. So they pick them. They say, you're in the band. So we got to make you look like a rock star, right?

So they fucking dye his hair, dye his goatee. They get them all cleaned up. He did look great. And then they took him down to like the rock star store, which is, I don't know the rules of rock, but there's just something fucking hilarious to me that you still have to wear leather pants, even if you're 60. So they take him into this fucking high end hot topic place and they're picking out shit that like, I mean, when I was a kid, horse would wear it when they were like 18 and 19, when they could eat McDonald's

and still have a flat stomach. So they got this fucking old C captain to buy these fucking things. But they ended up picking out, you know, the guy picks out these ridiculous leather pants and I almost burst it out laughing. And then the guy they're picking goes, oh yeah, man, I saw those. And I'm just like, all right, I guess I don't know. But then somehow when they were all on stage, it looked right. But when he was in the store and he just looked like this guy and they just showed him paint in the house.

The fucking thing was funny. So they get him up there and they're doing the rehearsals and he's doing great. I'm kind of going to ruin the documentary for you, but I just found it fascinating. So the drummer, Frankie, still has a lot of issues with like he came up with Kevin. They were brothers, right? They had nothing and they came up together. So they had this bond. So he has all of this grief that when he plays, he no longer sees Kevin when he, I don't know.

I just lost my train of thought because I was just thinking, just freaking me out that he was actually on the stage. Yeah, like he doesn't see Kevin. Then he had like anger issues because his friend died and then just left him with this thing. Because the fans were really fucking mean because at first, you know, in the emotion of the guy dying, that riot is over. And then three years later, it's like the guy's got bills to pay. He's allowed to get past grief. And then when he wants to do it again, all these alleged fans of the band start shitting all over him, which I don't get.

It's like it's his band. He gets to decide if he don't want to see it. Like just some of the shit that people wrote was just really asshole things, right? So anyway, so he's going through these emotions of like missing his friend and being he basically has a bunch of unresolved issues. He's an old school New York guy. He's just, you know, paved over the emotion. So I totally relate it to that. And he's a fucking great dad.

You know, he has a daughter. He's just, you can just see, he just, he's awesome, right? Just the way his daughter talked about him. He could see that. So anyway, so they hire this guy and you can immediately tell by the guy's body language, he needs to be built up. And instead of building him up, Frankie is like taking out a little bit of his anger that the dude's not there. He's just saying this shit like, you know, you're doing great in rehearsals. You know, and we can rehearse this thing another nine, 10 fucking times, but you know, it doesn't mean shit.

You get out there in front of those live fans. And I'm telling you, you know, you can have a good show and everything's going to go perfect. But then the next show could be only okay. Or you really see the lead singer like he's like pulling into himself. And I'm just thinking like that's not the road to go with this guy. This guy needs, this guy needs to be built up and they don't do it. So they're doing their first gig. They're in a club like this.

And for whatever reason, there was like a pole on stage. Not like a stripper pole. Like one of those poles that you have, like, you know, somebody's unfinished basement. So he's up there and he's killing the songs. But you can see he's kind of, you know, you're stepping into the shoes of a fucking legend who died. You're like, these people don't stop booing me. So he's like, he's killing the songs, but he's kind of like that. At one point they're doing like a drum solo, I mean, sorry, a guitar solo.

And he just sort of kind of backed up and was leaning on the pole. So then they cut back after the show and Frankie's getting in on him. Just feeling, he's like, I mean, what the fuck, man? You got to be out there selling this shit. You fucking sitting there leaning on a fucking pole, right? I don't know. You just, you got to see the thing because I had this fascination. You know, first of all, you know, playing drums is a hobby.

Big fan of Frankie in that band. And just coming up as a comedian where you were just on your own. And, you know, there was a camaraderie with your open mic buddies and stuff on like a bad night that everybody would just go up and take a beating. And then you just pick one guy in the crowd who was like the biggest cunt and everyone would try to say something mean about him. That was the only way we could bond. I just was always envious of like how a band gets on stage, feeds off at each other

and then you try to conquer a crowd that doesn't give a fuck, that wants to see somebody else that is too shit-faced. It's a fucked up bill that you're on. Like I always thought that that stuff was amazing. So I can't recommend that documentary enough. I know I was talking about it like it was a little spinal tappy, but they all are, you know, same stand up comedy ones are too. But still just like learning, like I knew that album was big,

but I didn't know that it passed the police and I think the biggest selling album of all time. So it's really fascinating. And then also you get to hear Frankie play. Oh, the original bass player too, who actually played on that album. But they had a picture of Rudy Sarzo on the back. They had the whole band, Carlos, Kevin, Frankie, and then Rudy. And then a little note on the side just said who actually played the bass on that album. And it still bugs that guy.

And they had him at like a signing in this huge quiet riot fans going, who are you? What is your name again? And he says like his name. And he goes, no, I'm on the album. And the kid goes, oh, it's sorry. Sorry, they didn't put you on there. And he goes, and the kid's like, no, I'm on there.

I'm on there. It says it. And then they cut to the guy afterwards. And he's just like, I mean, do your research, man. So I don't know. I enjoyed it. So I got my T's almost ready here. I don't see the steam coming off.

I don't have a place to put the bag though, do I? I guess I'll set it down right here. I'm doing, I'm waiting for some asshole from fucking London to write in to say, I don't know how to fucking drink tea properly. You know what I mean? Some crooked teeth, you got to think with Invisalign, that nation is finally getting their shit together, right? They got to be, right?

I mean, there's no, at that point, then having crooked teeth is just a choice. And then people from England go from like being hard to look at to like kind of cool. Then you understand like, oh, this is why all these good bands came from out there. These people don't give a fuck. All right, you got to sit down when you drink tea. Coffee, you can stand up. Stand up like an animal right outside of a roach coach.

Now, talking about the chicks you want to bang at the office, are you even allowed to do that anymore? That's what we used to do, you'd stay outside the fucking roach coach being like, oh my god. Oh my god, did you see fucking Stacey's fucking ass in that fucking skirt? Ah, like the bender right over her fucking, it's how we used to talk. Now you can't do it, people still think it.

They're thinking it, but they're like talking about the environment and saying woke shit about Black Lives Matter, but they're still thinking of bending a rover. I mean, human beings haven't changed that much since I was a kid, right? Oh, it's still hot. Oh, my taste buds. Oh, Jesus. This is sliding out of the way here.

It's an expensive production here. Speaking of expensive productions, I'm going to, oh, it's Thanksgiving coming up, right? Next week, I finished, it's a little fly in my eyebrow. It's unbelievable. I just felt it land. Oh, I know people are giving me shit about the Michigan hat, right? Hail to the victors, fucking three and fucking seven.

I don't know what we are. We're not doing well. What are we going to do? My big thing this weekend is I want to see the University of Indiana beats Ohio State. Then I think it negates the hundreds of thousands of people that have died in this country from COVID. I'm making that big of a statement.

That's what it is. The amount of people that have died from COVID, you can fill up Ohio State Stadium. And as a tribute to them, I want to see the University of Indiana. I don't even hate Ohio State. I actually really like that team. I've liked the players that they've had. I like their colors.

I like the whole fucking thing. It's just since they've had the playoff system, those are the fans that whined them. I don't even hear USC fans whining that much. But USC is fucking shady. You know what I mean? Any time there's a fucking... Somebody told me that one time,

because any time there's a scandal involving more than one school, USC is going to be one of them. You can't help it. You're out here. There's Hollywood. There's cocaine. There's a lot of money at stake. I bet that's how they sell them.

I bet they sell their recruits on who they can bang when they get to LA. And be like, all right, if you start for USC and we're ranked in the top 10, you can easily bang right out of the gate. Make a couple of catches. Your first game, you can bang somebody who has a reoccurring role on a sitcom you never heard of. All right?

You start moving your way up, you know? You start getting all the way up to maybe winning an award for whatever it is that you do. Outland Trophy, Heisman Trophy. Then the city's yours. You can do anything from the hottest little fucking whoever who just came out of the gate all the way up to some cougar, right? Once one more lap around the block with that vag

that was once on the cover of People Magazine. It's the most beautiful vagina. Why would you ever be in that issue? There's no way to go but down. There's like being a Playboy Centipede. You don't want a naked photo of yourself in the prime of your life in public. How do you ever go to a reunion again?

You're like, you used to look like this. Well, you look like shit, too. Yeah, but there's not a before picture. That's the greatest thing about being a complete fucking nobody is there's no before picture. So as long as you reasonably keep yourself in shape, people are, he looks great. He looks great, you know.

But if I did a Playgirl spread way back in the day, I'd say 1989, 89, 90. You know, back in my lifting days, that before it all went to shit and what you're looking at right now. If I didn't look bad enough, this overhead lighting will fucking handle it. This is how I sit, by the way.

This is me standing up straight. Oh, I haven't talked about Texas yet, which is the last topic I have. How far into the seven? Look at that, 23 fucking minutes. Can anybody talk about nothing for a quarter of an hour, like a third of an hour? Third of an hour?

Third of an hour. Texas. Texas, everybody! Woo! Ain't no virus. They're resetting the economy. This is the big reset. Have you seen that fucking?

These fucking idiots who are sitting there predicting that this is the big reset are also the ones creating it. Because if you don't do what they say and they can't open up businesses, then eventually it is all going to fall on itself and they will have to reset it. If you think the big reset's coming,

then wear a fucking mask. Because right now the big thing is everybody seems to be blaming the governments. After at least 60% of the population is not complying with what they said would work. They're now going to turn around and blame the government. You know, like, my dad never loved me, man. It's like, oh, you could have just wore a mask

and just stood on the fucking thing that they drew on the floor. You could have done that. Now look at you. Now look at the fucking situation you know mask-wearing cunts have gotten us into. We're going to be like Denmark or whatever the fuck they're going to pass legislation

where you have to take the vaccine, you know? Then that'll be like a bill where they piggyback a bunch of other shit in there. I bet it'll be all, we'll just be like, we'll be all docile, you know? Just not caring. I don't give a fuck anymore to be honest with you. I'm just looking forward to Thanksgiving,

but Texas though, I'm going to have a fucking ball when I go to Texas. Just getting back out there on the road. Texas is such a fun state to go to if you want. Just living in a crowded fucking city, you know? And going out there and seeing what you could get. If you get outside Dallas, remember last time I was going to Dallas,

which by the way, one of my dreams is to land at Love Field. I'm not doing it again. I always end up going to the main fucking stupid ass nightmare of an airport. Love Field, that's the last airport John Kennedy when he was alive landed at before he got whacked. So, I don't know. I like aviation and I'm fascinated with the 60s

where it just seemed like anybody who was clearly going to affect change got whacked. That was the message decade. Oh, is that what you're going to do? Everybody got the old right there, Fred. Black, white. I don't know if women did, but if you listen to their rhetoric,

we've been getting it every decade. It's so hard for us. Hey, you think it's hard for you to go out in the workforce? Why don't you try living with yourself? All right, yes, sweetheart. Sorry, this is just all ignorance. So, I'm going to be doing Dallas, Texas, the big D, as they call it, the big D.

I'll tell you if the ladies out there keep getting fake tits, they're going to call it the big double D. Hey, that's a joke right there. Trying them out. I'll tell you, Texas has great fake titties. They really do. I don't know what happened over there, but they definitely, they somehow,

the way they put that lunch bag of poison, that cocktail of chemicals, you know what I mean? The way they make them hang, that you think that they're real. Because I remember being one of the first times I was there, I was like, Jesus Christ, what's in the water? This is like, this is the fake titty.

Everything's bigger in Dallas. So, they got all these big fucking fake tits. All these hot chicks with big heads. They got big heads down there. They got room for, you know what I mean? Big heads like mine. They got big heads like mine. And what's funny about the hot chicks there

is you can see what they're going to look like when they get older. You know what I mean? That big fucking head. You can just see you're standing there with a rolling pin, asking you where you were last night. That's how I look at it. Then you got Houston.

Houston's another fun one. And then you go to Austin. Austin's, you know, I don't know. They think they're smarter than the average person in Texas, and they're all hippy-dippy and groovy there. I don't know. There's a lot of white people there that need to wash their hair. It's a lot for me to say,

considering I got a shaved head, but, you know, easy for you to say, Bill, you know, you just dunk your head in a sprinkler and you're ready to go. Fair enough. Fair enough, you know? All of those cities like Austin, Portland, those are all like hacky sack cities. You know, anti-government. People playing hacky sack and just fucking

dressed like they're going to Woodstock. I like to generalize. I'm going against the grain, you know? All right, have I talked enough to, yeah, 28 minutes. Now I could do the advertising. Where's the app? Do we have any advertising? We do.

Is it in here? Is it in this? Now, if you open up your green folder, you'll see, oh, look who it is. Jesus, H. Christ, we got a lot here. Three pages. Buckle up. If you never listen to this podcast,

I'm going to read out loud, so buckle up. All right, who is it here? Oh, we got Mac Weldon, everybody. This Black Friday, excuse me, African American Friday. God, let's try to be a little more woke. If you're on the hunt for men's essentials, you know, they always say how they always make white positive and black negative.

Black Friday is actually one of the few times they go positive. Black Friday meant these stores were in the black, meaning you're in the profit. Because in the old days, your accountant would write, you know, and anything that was debt was written in red and anything that was profit was written in black pen. So you could decipher.

So that which meant you were in the black. All right, so there's one where that's positive. The color black is positive. Granted, it's up against red, which is Native American. Right? So maybe that's what it is. Maybe that's how the white man's in there. They tried to enslave the Native Americans,

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Promo code burr for 20% off. Some of you might be going, what's up with the old school sneakers? This is my nod to the Troubadour. These are the reissue Adidas Dragons. This is all you had to do to make a sneaker back in the day. You just took some of this shit that you had made a tent out of, put a little suede around it, some shoelaces,

you had yourself a sneakers, a pair of sneakers. These are the sneakers the guy Hutch from Starsky and Hutch had, made famous by him. And then when I got older and had YouTube, I saw John Bonham Worm in that concert that they filmed Led Zeppelin in Seattle, where Moby Dick, they changed the name of it. They were like, John Bonham over the top, top, top, top, top, top. Da-da-da-da-da-da.

Yeah. He had three solos. The first one was called Pat's Delight. Alright, Pat being his wife. She loved watching him show off evidently. Then it became Moby Dick, and then it became John Bonham over the top. As far as my lack of research.

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All right. Number three. Where's number three? That's three right here. Oh, sorry. All right. Why do I have the hiccups? This isn't supposed to happen during a performance.

Mmm. I love water that was put in there at least seven years ago and just sat in a warehouse, you know? Anybody can drink from a waterfall and an Eden. It takes a real fucking man. All right. It's been aged. Like a fine one.

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Check it out now. No risk, all gravy, baby. I'm going to hand it to those my bookie guys. They are really like, they're like the Vince McMahon of bookies where like when Vince McMahon became the took over for his dad, like everybody respected their territories. And he's like, no man,

I'm going to make this thing go international and then make it go global. I feel like that's what they're doing. You know what I mean? You don't just have them come up and give you money, you give them a little bit of money. You give them a little money back

and keep them coming to the table. That's a good time. Oh, that tea is delicious. That tea is delicious. All right. Now I'm somehow going to, I'm going to get into the, I'm going to get into the questions here.

Kayak video. Dear Billy Ocean. Oh, that's a great one. Billy Ocean, the Caribbean Queen. That was champion of the sand dream. Of a song that I don't know the world. No more love on the run. Dear Billy Ocean.

How do you feel about kayaking? Yeah. Yeah. Fuck that. Fucking bolt that can tip over and there's rocks underneath me as I'm going by like 30 miles an hour. I've seen enough dumb cunts getting on there.

You know what kayaking or for somebody should be in a canoe, but you got to show off. Just getting a fucking canoe, you dumb fuck. Kayaking. I get it. You're an outdoors guy.

You know, did they, did they sell like fake frost to glue into your fucking beard? All right. It's much safer than having your pasty white pork sausage legs twiddling underwater and attracting hungry mouths, right?

Cause you're not in the water. You're safe. Well, you're in the water. Technically, right? I mean, if I'm flying a helicopter, does that mean I'm not in the air? Cause I'm in the helicopter. All I picture is coming around.

Nobody worries about fucking white water in kayaks, I would think. I'm worried about coming around to Bend having a good time and all of a sudden there's like 12 grizzly bear looking at salmon and all of a sudden I'm coming around trying to go whoa, whoa, whoa,

trying to go backwards. And I'm coming down all fucking wrapped up like a gordita. Whatever the fuck you call those things at Taco Bell. Oh, that's not even Mexican food. That's white people's shit. We know it is.

We know it is. Stop explaining to us that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food. Oh, it isn't. I thought it was. Wait a minute, is the Olive Garden not authentic Italian? Holy shit, my whole mind is blown.

Someone makes a better burger than McDonald's? Okay, right? Okay, it's much safer than having your pace laid, right? Cause you're not in the water, you're safe. Okay, check out this video.

How do I see the video? Look at this technology. All right, technology. All right, this video is brought to you by Guardian. Oh, I saw this shit. This is like some Joan of Arc stuff. So there's a bunch of dumb cunts

in yellow and red ones. Reds for this people, yellow for the whoa, kayakers. And okay, they're sitting here, they're floating, they're watching whales. And one comes up and basically fucking puts it,

the guy in his mouth, dude. Fuck that. I mean, if there was any sort of, like, justice in life, that person would have gotten eaten. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You want to be sad,

is that the funeral, they would talk about what a tragedy, what the odds were. It's like, you're the dumb fuck that made yourself a human sardine and you opened the can and basically sat there, waving with your paddles like I'm here.

You deserve all of it. I saw some dumb fuck. He saw a bunch of killer whales, orcas, whatever they are. First of all, I don't like that they have more than one name. It makes me feel like

they're doing something shady, right? So these fucking killer whales, killer whales, who see a great white shark and they're like, want to take this thing down? They go over and they force it to the surface.

The thing gets all freaked out and they bite its fins off and then it's just, it's, you know. So anyway, this fucking guy, he's standing on the water and he sees these orcas and he jumps in to swim with them. Why?

Because he went to SeaWorld. And he saw them riding around in their fucking noses. And the big thing is, they go, nobody, a fucking killer whale has never killed a human being, except at SeaWorld. What do you mean except at SeaWorld?

Except what? Why? Because they were bothering them? That's what it comes down to. I'm in this tank and I'm fucking annoyed. So they're swimming around trying to find fucking seals

and then this pasty, stupid cut jumps in the water making all of this noise. I would think that that would annoy them. And then they'd live up to their name. Killer whales, right? Is Orca their woke name? Why does it have to say killer in it?

You saying that because we're black whales? We're also half white. But in America, all you need is if the top is black, then that's what you're, that's what you're called. All right, I would not, yeah, I would not go kayaking.

When I was younger, all of this shit sounded great to me. Skydiving, kayaking, bungee jumping, all of that shit, you know? If you had orange hair and you didn't know how to talk to women, you needed to do cool shit. So you could talk about it loudly near them

thinking that would draw them in. It never did. At least with my experience. All I needed to do was say hello and use my sense of humor and maybe be a little vulnerable. Talk about my fears, you know, buy a couple of Long Island ice teas

and that would have been it. I would have been in a Mazda RX7, getting a little head right outside the channel. But I chose not to do it. The channel, another great music venue. A day in the life, Middle East edition. Iran, all right, here we go.

I'm getting all everybody's writing in from the Middle East. All right. Hey, Billy Bald Cuck. I really think this is going to help people bring the world together. Everybody just realizes that everyone around the world is similar in that they want to make fun of me

in my bald head. Then I think that, you know, maybe the world would be a nicer plan. Hey, Billy Bald Cuck. I'm a 24-year-old playwright and hopefully future stand-up comedian from Tehran, the capital of Iran. Now, I want to hear from fucking

Middle Eastern comedians. All right, with how we'll say it nicely. Conservative. It is over there. You allowed to joke about. Anyway, I am writing this as a follow-up to the Egyptian architect friend and the rants that ensued.

You asked to know how a typical day in the Middle East looks, what it looks like, and I would like to offer a day. If you should have, like, the Beatles, day in the life playing right now. For when I was a student in the Tehran University of Fine Arts. You guys got a football team?

What are you ranked? What is the game over there? Soccer? Cricket? Stoning someone to death? Uh... Fuck you! You called me a bald cuck. I hope you find it interesting.

I would wake up around 8 in the morning and I would catch a taxi to the subway station. Jeez, are you with all the public transportation? What, to take it to a bus? We have a different sort of taxi system. Just like buses and subways, there are taxis that take four passengers

and have a set route. And you can get out wherever you need to, if not at the end. Oh, I get it. There was a great coffee place, just by the subway. I would get a double espresso and smoke a joint

before getting on to the, what I would imagine, New York's crowded train. I would get off at the university. The women are wearing... Oh, Jesus. Hijab? Hijab? H-I-J-A-B, anybody?

Hijab. Was it? Hijab. Hijab, all right, wearing hijab. Ranging all the way from a 20-year-old petite girl in a white shirt in a black leather jacket in sunglasses and it...

Oh, all wearing hijab, a traditional thing to somebody like dressing more, I guess, western style. And they have a scarf on top of their head. Imagine Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction with a leather jacket and scarf on top of her head to the black, full-on psycho.

If a man sees my hair, I will be hung by the strings of hair, okay? That he saw in hell for eternity to pay for it. The guys, however, are dressed as you would imagine, any guy in the Middle East

or Metropolis. Suits, overcoats, sweaters, T-shirts and jeans, the whole deal. Oh, so the women, like... So some of them don't buy into that and it's okay? All right. I didn't know that.

All right. Touching women in public is frowned upon. Okay, that's good. But it does not mean... But it does not matter in this part of town. Unless the decency police sees it, that's a real thing.

It's like how I imagined San Francisco, L.A. Artisan coffee shops, bakeries, and the smell of gasoline and smoke is all you can smell because the traffic is heavy from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. There's a park there that is famous for being the place

where gay and lesbian and transgender members of the community meet up to have sex in the park bathroom. Look at that! Oppressed around the world. When will gay people be allowed to have sex in a bedroom like straight people?

And if elected, I say gays who are not limited to having sex in a party. I, myself, have been asked if I wanted to have sex with an older gentleman for money. Unfortunately, it was more of a 50-bucks sort of situation,

not the indecent proposal kind. No million dollars, all right? People are running around and hustling the whole damn day. So it sounds the same as over here. All the sides of the streets are filled with people selling books, homemade jewelry, and cool matchboxes

with ACDC on them, or my favorite, a Tom York big lighter. Every few minutes, you see someone wearing a cool T-shirt, a pick-rick shirt, or a hot girl with short hair supporting a vintage design nirvana T-shirt

that was made two weeks ago, found in a gallery somewhere. After classes in the afternoon, we would go to my friend's bookstore on the minus one floor in a mall, a few streets down, we would sit in a circle researching French poetry

and smoking hashish in a pipe that went around the table. Sounds great. I would take beer that me and my dad made that had almost 15% alcohol. We would spend the night drinking and smoking in that store, listening to Janice Joplin,

Ball and Chain, and Jimmy Hendricks, are you experienced, which were the anthems of the store. Also, Sinner Man from Nina Simone. See, this is why, why aren't we getting along with these people? What is the problem now?

There is no problem. It's the psychos at the top. Living in the Middle East is hard. The economy is shit, and the rules were forced upon us. We did not give consent to be born in an Islamic country, a country that I had to leave two years ago

because of a threesome gone wrong. Sounds like you had one regular and then one hijab dress. Person. Can't imagine all the rules in that. Where are we? Which is a story for some other time, if you're interested.

You have no idea how many nights listening to you speak on repeat has saved me from the darkest hour and how listening to you talk about the lovely Nia and your children has given me hope and something to look forward to. Thanks for that.

Well, thank you for writing in. I don't speak for anyone else, but I'm sure there are others who would like, who would be able to find some truth in my statement. Wish you all the best and avail and have coitus with yourself.

All right, thank you. Well, there you go. That sounds like a day in the life over here essentially, right? All right, another African listener. Dear Billy Elastic Balls. Now we're in Africa. Where am I going to get respect?

What do I got to go to Antarctica? Yeah, if you've done it in Antarctica and you're listening to this shit, you're doing some sort of research, right, measuring fucking polar bears' assholes, whatever you do down there. They're trying to figure out how that's tied into the fractal geometry

in global warming. Let me know. Dear Billy Elastic Balls. I'm gonna... Somebody's gonna run. There's no polar bears. There really is no polar. Do you know polar bears

are raping grizzly bears in Northern Canada? And nobody is saying anything about it? Why is that? Cause those bears are white. Kidding, it's consensual. And those mixed bears are beautiful. They don't get accepted on either side.

They're not accepted by the grizzlies. I'm a Sudanese software developer. Developer? He even wrote the A, Living in Ireland. I've been a long time fan of yours and I used to listen to your stand-ups. I like how it's plural, your stand-ups. Along with Chappelle, Carlin, and Louis C.K.

On a loop while writing code. But those are three of my favorites right there. Until I discovered your podcast, which is now my go-to. I like listening to your rants and admire your artistic abilities when you do a whole bit on the fly. I also admire you being honest with yourself,

owning up to your shortcomings and working on them. I try to do the same. I gotta read this to my wife. You make me out to be a saint here. You keep saying you're a moron, but you're not. You know, you're seeing a little sliver of me.

Well, I don't read to... Do you know this morning, I was going out to my garage and I saw something, and it so got me into a hero fantasy of me somehow doing something to save somebody or the world. I can't remember what it was.

Then I got out to my garage and I forgot my laptop. So let's go easy with the compliments here. I made a scatterbrained so-and-so. Anyways, he goes, I don't read so too, so maybe we both are morons. Okay, you are always...

You always have interesting thoughtful... Okay, no with the compliments. I'm not gonna invite you to some... to come to Sudan just yet, as things are pretty shitty at the moment, but I do hope to see you next time you're in Ireland. And yes, you guys did fuck with us.

Oh, it's Sudan in 1998. Oh, under the Clinton administration. Oh, what, did he get a blow job? And he had to create a distraction? The U.S. bombed a medicine factory in Khartoum. What the fuck? Justifying it with having intel

that it's a chemical weapons factory. Seriously, Google that shit. They later admitted that the intel was wrong and just shrugged it off as just one more wrongful bombing. It's astonishing to me that Americans worship their troops,

thank them for their service, and get pissed at you when you joke about them. There's the other side. This is why you try to... This is how they're looking at it. And I'm sure the truth lies in between. Anyway, enough politics.

I just wanted to thank you and go fuck yourself. Well, I mean, the troops are over there for the right reasons. It's just the people at the top. I think they tell them one thing and then they're actually doing another. Sometimes.

Not all of the times because it's not like, you know, there's nobody in your country that isn't a sociopath too. And I would probably look to your leaders. That's usually a good place to start. That in people lingering in parks. All right.

The rest areas. All of those areas. Kuwait. Hey, Billy, soft nuts. Everybody attacking my testicles this week. I don't understand it. I was listening to your 11-26-20 money-money podcast. I heard you say you want to know

what goes on in these parts of the world. Let's get right to it. Okay, here we go. He says... I thought I'd pitch in. I come from Lebanon, but I grew up in Kuwait. And I'd always visit Lebanon in the summer

so I can tell you what goes on in both of these countries. For Lebanon, I'll be honest. The country has always been in a fucked-up situation, but one of the biggest issues to this day that there is no 24-7 electricity. People would usually get electricity for six hours. So from 12 to 6 p.m.,

then the government cuts the power from 6 p.m. to 12 a.m. Then it comes back on from 12 a.m. to 6 a.m., then it's gone from 6 a.m. to 12 p.m. So basically six-hour shifts. And the cycle continues. Before Corona, the revolution which took place was just during Arab Spring.

I remember hearing about that. I don't know anything about it because I'm a moron. And the massive explosion in the Beirut port, I remember that, which all happened this year. Life was normal. You can go to the beach,

to malls, to the beautiful mountains. Tourism was a real thing in Lebanon, especially our mountains. People from all over the Middle East would come here for the mountains. And then, of course, you go to parties in Lebanon, which many people would also consider Lebanon

to be the vaguest of the Middle East in some ways. But in present, I'll just say it's going through, Lebanon's going through a rough one. Oh, that's cool. So that's where you guys go to gamble, and you still get a hike in, though. That's pretty cool. For Kuwait,

my the fuck is my foot falling asleep? This is getting old. What is it? Is I sat on my wallet? Is that what happened all these years of sitting on a wallet in some fucking defunct airline, TWA, way back in the day?

For Kuwait, this country has some of the best malls in the world, because, sadly, there isn't much else here. Unlimited numbers of amazing restaurants, of cuisines from all over the world, high-end brands from all over the world. Yeah, I feel like if the Kardashians made a country, it would be like one of those,

or Dubai. You know, all these high-end stores, they have towers and Maserati's and Ferraris, and then just outside the city, a bunch of people enslaved, never getting their passports back, committing suicide. Oh my god, why'd you bring that part up?

For Kuwait, this country has the best malls. High-end brands from all over the world open up shops in these malls. Sorry, people here enjoy and love soccer. It's the number one sport. Everyone plays it, more or less. They love going out to these restaurants, and they love shopping in the most expensive shops.

They also love going out to cities, to the desert to drive ATVs, and other type of vehicles doing crazy, life-threatening shit. Dude, you gotta hook me up with some videos. There's gotta be some Middle Eastern ATV fails, exotic pet fail, something. I want to hear about that.

One thing I do like about the Middle East is they do not feel guilt about wealth. They fucking show that shit off. When I was in London, and those fucking rich kids, they flew over in one jet in their cars and the other, and were driving and stopping to go traffic. I always tell this story, just revving the engine, and then, and then, and then,

the whole time, and that old English lady behind me just goes, ah, stop it. It's one of my favorite traveling things. Other than when I first got to London, in our taxi stop short, and there was a guy on the back on a bicycle who had slammed on his brakes, and he called him a cunt, and me and Nia looked at each other like, ah, he called him a cunt.

We're in England. They love going to these restaurants, and they love shopping in the most expensive shops. Okay, I already said that. They love camping out there as well. Although I personally don't enjoy that stuff. I'm a bit more of a city guy. So they do a lot of redneck shit.

You guys should get together. Little country music, they could play you this shit in some time signature I never heard of. But yeah, most of the people over here just have a normal everyday life. Go to work, study, then they go out and try to have some fun. I hope you saw my first email, I hope this email.

All right, cool. All right, there we go. Okay, all right, we've got to wind down here. Once again, the poster, where can people get this poster? There'll be a link up on your Instagram and Twitter. Instagram and Twitter, they'll be autographed. All the monies, all the monies, go to the great Troubadour. We're all my favorite bands,

and all your future favorite brands, get to perform here live. Thank you so much to everybody who actually takes the time to buy one. All right, dumb questions for employees. Here we go. European tour guide. All right, this guy's gives tours over in Europe here.

Hey, Bluey. I think that's my daughter, one of my favorite shows there. Many, many years ago, I worked for a travel company as a tour manager, taking 18 to 35-year-olds through Europe. I had loads of funny questions here, or a few I can remember. Number one, thinking a spectacular waterfall in Switzerland

was man-made and controlled. What time did they turn off the waterfall? I love how they're going to assume that all of these were Americans doing this. When crossing the English Channel by car ferry from our start point in London to France, why do we have to get a ferry? And why do we have to put our watches forward

in an hour when we get to France? Oh, boy. Well, in defense of the ferry, then you could take the channel, right? Heading out on a day trip to a glacier cave on top of a snow-capped mountain, 4,000 meters above sea level. Will it be cold?

After explaining in detail, dinner will be a four-cheese fondue. The cheese is made from local cows. We passed earlier in the day. Someone inevitably would ask, is there Darien? I hate how I know I would ask half of these. My all-time favorite, and surprisingly,

most frequently asked, if I call my mom, will she be home? Is that like a time zone? Let's see, you need an entire wonderful family in Aussie again. We're here, we're waiting. I would love to go back out there. Who do I recently see? Somebody else, another great.

Other than Bon Scott, he's buried in Perth. Heath Ledger! All right. Hey, Billy Daddick, historical guide. Oh, here we go. Berlin, Germany. All right, here we go. In the spirit of your challenge

to the listeners of the Monday Morning Podcast, I will give you the top five dumbest questions I had over the years as a historical tour guide in Berlin, Germany. Before COVID, I got to greet and lead groups of people from around the world on tours through the city. Below, I give my five dumbest questions, along with a brief explanation

about what makes them so idiotic. Well, in a way, you think we're all dumb, because we don't get it. All right. Okay, so why did the Nazis build the Berlin Wall? All right. Well, which I clearly announced to the whole group, was built well after the Second World War,

in 1961. It was built by the communists, East German states, and the Nazis had been out of power for 16 years when it went up. I tell them that all the info about the wall before I turn a corner when they can see it, because instantly they take out their phones

and take pictures and stop listening. Oh, that's a smart move. Now, number two. Are there any streets still named after Hitler or any other leaders? That's a fair enough question. You got neo-Nazis over there. Maybe they got something.

A little gazebo. The official Adolf Hitler gazebo. Obviously not. Well, former Nazis continue to live in both post-war German states and even serve in some government positions to the knowledge of the U.S. and the USSR. Statues to Nazis, swastika symbols in public,

and street names were changed. What does that think about this? And even serving government positions to the knowledge of the U.S. and the USSR. Oh, we know that? But what about the Mossad when they go and get him? Those are great talks. The Mossad's Nazi hunt.

Any rednecks out there? You think going on some elk hunt? Is some scary shit? Smart animal, man. Get some antlers going. You should check that out. Oh, he has a good one. Why didn't people just go around the Berlin Wall?

I always wondered how long it was. I saw it. It's just like... It's a fucking wall. Look at how our wall is working. Why didn't people just go around the wall? People really don't think about this one. The wall encircled West Berlin.

I didn't know that. I thought that we divided the entire country of Germany. And I thought the East side was the Russians and I thought the West side was ours. But then they had to build a whole fucking wall the entire length.

So they just... So after the war because the U.S. and Russia were allies, they ended up Berlin and they got half the city and they had to build a wall to keep their people in.

Right then, we had to know that we were going to win the Cold War. You know what? I didn't know that. I thought it was a straight wall that went up to the fucking border and down. I didn't know it was a complete circle.

There you go. Who knew? A lot of people think the Tower Bridge is shit out there that people don't know. All right. People really don't think about this. The wall encircled West Berlin making it impossible for East Germans to get into West Berlin

potentially escaping to West German proper. Again, I clearly explained to them and show them maps how the system was built. Yet people still ask if there was a way they could go around at

160 kilometer encirclement of guard towers, razor wire, and concrete barriers. That's a little different. Where can I buy an old SS uniform or Nazi memorabilia in the city? In defense of that question

you could still go down south and buy some old Confederate shit and they lost. All that stuff is illegal in modern Germany. Sure, there are some people who have their great grandfather's copy of Mein Kampf, but you don't see World War II battle reenactments

like the U.S. and the Civil War and the glorification of Confederate leaders. No, we do not. God knows in a lot of ways, but we're all guilty. That was way worse. Well, didn't you guys cheat off of us with what we did to the Native Americans

when you started doing the horrible shit to Jewish people? Do you know there's a stadium over there? Zeppelin Stadium. That's the famous one where they had the swastika and they showed them blowing it up. That beautiful stadium that was used for horrible things when Hitler's making those speeches and you see all those divisions so perfectly lined up

in those Hugo Boss uniforms. That place still exists. And when I was over there they told me they're not maintaining it and they're not going to tear it down. They're just letting it go away. So if you go over there at your own risk, you can go into that stadium.

God knows when it starts big concrete crumples on you. You can stand right where that lunatic gave those speeches. And I would be lying to you that for some morbid reason. In just World War II just the history of it, I would do that.

And I do a podcast for it. No, I wouldn't do that. Alright, number five. Lastly. So, you like it here? They asked you if you like it. I'm not originally from Germany but I emigrated here many years ago. I am a citizen here now

and speak the language fluently. This is a particularly dumb question because if I didn't like it here why the fuck would I have stayed and settled here? Or were they expecting me to tell them no, I don't like it here. Jesus Christ. Anyway, congrats

on the growing family. I've been listening to the podcast on and off since 2014 when I made a good friend from Massachusetts while working together in Seoul, South Korea. This dude has been around. That's amazing. I love hearing from people

from around the world. World, world. I mean, that right there. You probably got more information on this fucking podcast about all these goddamn places. And CNN, Fox, whatever fucking Trump's going to come up with. That's going to be interesting, right? Trump's starting. He already fucking started the USFL

to go up against the NFL. So maybe I think he does it with this news channel. Then that's going to be weird because then Fox, who backed Trump is now going to have to get into it with them. Right? I mean, I'm not into 24-hour news networks left or right, but that's going to be interesting.

But I will tell you this, I have to get the fuck out of here because I got shit to do. Thank you to everybody at the troupe door for letting me come down here again. Thank you to you guys for having a sense of humor listening to this podcast, that may be buying a poster helping these people out so that when all of this fucking shit is over

this place will still be here and you'll see hopefully your next famous favorite bands on their way up. That's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Oh, this is the Monday Morning Podcast? Oh, sorry. I'll check it on you.

Go fuck yourselves. I'll check it on you on Thursday. I'll see you. Or of what?