Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-24-14

Episode Date: November 25, 2014

Bill rambles about Babe Ruth, immigration and apples.

Hey, what's going on is bill burn. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, uh, November 24th, 2000 and, uh, 14 2014. How are you? What's going on? Once again, I'm recording it nice and early Monday morning. Uh, you know, so I got to keep my freaking voice down. I don't want to disturb the construction. It's winding down everybody. It's winding down. They painted the fucking walls. You know, well, the guy has a couple of little bit of electrical things, a couple of bang, bang, booms, which of course we'll take for fucking ever. Um, I actually found out that I need a new electrical panel outside my house because, uh, the one that I had was, uh, you know, just a hunk of shit. And, uh, so I go,

all right, so take the one off that I have and put a new one there, right? And this fucking governmental cunt, right? He shows up with this fucking tape measure and he said there was no safe way for his guys to put a ladder up because I had this fucking palm trees thing, right? Which now aren't even natural. Okay. To the ecosystem out here. Some jerk off liked him way back in the day and stuck a fucking coconut on his boat or whatever the hell the seed is, right? Is that the seed of a palm tree? Is it a coconut or is that the fruit it bears and within the coconut? There's the seed. I don't know. Um, so anyways, so he goes, nah, the only place we can stick it is right on the back of your fucking house words

going to be the ugliest ever. And I'm like, well, no, we're not putting it there. And he's like, I work for the government, right? What I say goes, right? He goes to get out there and his government issued Ford Escort station wagon, remember those fucking things? Um, so now I had to call a guy up and he's got to, he's got to cut this fucking tree down. And I know what you're thinking. Well, wait a minute, I thought you were fucking, uh, Oh, Billy tree hugger, you know, Oh, William environment, William tell there, right? What was the fucking guy? The guy who wrote about a lake went up a socky there. Walden Lake. Who was that fucking boring cunt that wrote all the poems? You know, everybody was freaking

out all the shit he was saying. He was plagiarizing the Native Americans. They already fucking knew. They already knew it was a great lake. All right, they have fucking twinkle toes with your stupid poems. The Native Americans had it right the way they were living. They lived off the fucking land. They didn't take more than they need that they needed, right? And when you got sick, some weird guy in your fucking tribe did a dance around you and then you died and that was it. Okay. And it kept the herd thinned out. You know, he came out there with some, the skull of a fucking snake or some shit on his head, putting line dancing to shame is what this guy did. And then you fucking died. That's it. It was fucking over.

Hey, you had a great 30 years. See ya. Whatever they did. That's not true. Geronimo, he lived for a while, didn't he? He used to get the senior citizen discount when he took the stagecoats. After a while, you know, once the white man took over, isn't that what happened? How the fuck did I get on this subject? Oh yeah, taken down the fucking tree. So now I got to take down this, just I got to take down this fucking. So basically, I'm like, all right, so what if I take out the tree that really shouldn't even be here that provides shade in an area that you know, never had shade because it's actually your fucking desert. And you know, by the way, what are we all doing out here? Huh? We're all standing around trying to get

a fucking goddamn guest star on the reboot of fucking TJ hooker. Why are we out here? This fucking place just freaks me out. Absolutely freaks me out. Anyways, so now I got that. So then whatever, so they got it, then they'll put the panel on. And then my electrical system will be complete. I can actually turn lights on in my house and not worry that somewhere in my house does a little flash of fire when I throw a switch, because that's what was going on. That was going on while I had a minor gas leak. It's fucking unreal. I'm going to tell you right now, whoever buys this house after me is going to be they're not even going to realize the goddamn goldmine that they walked into because all this shit that I'm

doing does not add value to my house. This is all shit that should have been done right to begin with. You know, it's just when somebody, you know, inspects your house, they can't look into the walls. All they're looking for is the sweat marks on the walls and the cracks and can you roll a marble across the floor, you know, without even giving any effort, you know, they're just looking at shit like that. You know, I was kidding. They go walk on your roof. They go up there and they have a sandwich. They rub their balls for a couple of seconds and leaves. And that's it. What's he going to get a bad recommendation? I don't remember who it was. You think I can find that guy's business card to warn other people?

Oh, by the way, this guy came back with a little glint in his eye and said, this is a great house. You guys are going to be very happy. Congratulations. You got yourself a great house. Um, anyways, so whoever comes here next, and this is the thing they won't even appreciate it. Just like the rich kid's son, you know, the son of a guy who fucking pulled himself up by his bootstraps, you know, got into insider trading, you know, fucking bootlegs some booze across the fucking goddamn, whatever the fuck it is. One of those great lakes. That is late fucking great. Right. Then he goes out and buy some palatial estate. He gets himself a trophy white. He gets on top of her. Right. Boom. Nine months later, here comes

this fucking jerk off. He's born with one of those fucking, uh, let me call the one little piece of glass in your eye. Not a false eye, a monocle. He doesn't get a rattle. He doesn't get a baby fucking bear. They give him a monocle. That's how fucking rich this kid is. And he actually has a little fucking a pocket watch. He's got a little pocket in his diaper. That's how much money this fucking kid is born into. You think he gives a shit. He sits around and he's bored. Right. Grab a handful of Molly and starts rubbing up against the suit of armor and the fucking house. Right. That's what the fuck he does. You think he gives a shit or even even fucking knows that he's got state of the art, state of the art

fucking electricity and in copper piping going through that fucking 9,000 square foot cabana. No, he doesn't cheap bill. You're kind of making yourself out to be a martyr. I am. Anyways, look at this fucking shit. Seven in the morning. Marty getting fucking text messages. Just never fucking never fucking ends. Never ends. So anyways, so that's the latest thing. This is the thing. We got the hardwood floors in and a couple of you guys said, you know, after you've been bitching about this for so long, you better sense you better put up some pictures. You know what I say to you? Fuck you. You're not seeing one goddamn picture of my downstairs. I am painting a picture with the beautiful words

of this wonderful language. Now, I'm not showing you what the inside of my house looks like. You want me to upload what the inside of my fucking house looks like? So then what you guys can say it looks like shit and that I got ripped off and that I'm a fucking big headed moron. You think I don't understand how you guys operate at this point? I may have a Charlie Brown fucking head, but if you think I'm going to walk up and try to kick that football again, you're out of your fucking mind. All right. So anyway, this is the Monday morning podcast, everybody. If you're new to it, welcome. If you're from another country, you stay put. You stay. You stay right where you are. We don't need you

anymore. All right. We're doing just fine with the immigrants that were abusing over here right now. You set the fuck down. I don't even know what's going on. There's some sort of immigration thing going on in the news and everybody's fucking flapping their arms. Right. And the guys in the red ties are going again, I'm the fuck out of here. And the guys in the blue ties are like, you know, I think everybody should have a right to be here. Right. Same old fucking shit. I love when they go like, well, the immigrants, you know, they do the jobs that Americans don't want to do. I love how that they, they always put it back on like, they always get it off the rich guys. Like immigrants do the jobs Americans

don't want to do. That's, that's such a fucking brilliant way of saying that Americans don't want to be grossly underpaid for backbaking, breaking work that makes somebody else a zillion fucking dollars. Do you think those immigrants want to do those jobs? And I love when they sit there and go, look at this. They're happy. They're fucking happy. Bent over at the waste all day picking jelly beans. Huh? You want to fucking do that out in candy land fields? I don't think anybody wants to. They're basically saying we can't get away with sweatshop labor in this country anymore because of unions. All right. And then they, but they spin it around. They got the Americans don't want to do this job. You're telling me you couldn't

find an American to go out and go pick some fucking apples if you paid them, right? Huh? Who the fuck wouldn't want to go out and go pick some apples? You get that bag, right? You're walking around out in fucking air. Nobody breathing down your neck. You just up there picking apples like Johnny Apple seat. I'd love to be a fucking apple picker. If you paid me, you know, you want to give me 30 cents a fucking month to go pick apples. Yeah, go fuck yourself. You pick the fucking apples. You'll see that they don't want to work. They don't have a work ethic. He's just Chris. Anyways,

got to go find some guy that used to sleep on a rock under a fucking waterfall to do that goddamn job. Of course you did. Some guy walked here, you know, from Zimbabwe. Grab yourself a piece of fucking oak or whatever, some light peapine or some shit, right? And doggy paddled his whole fucking way over here. Yeah, you think he's scared of picking some apples for no money? Doesn't give a fuck. He's happy to be back on the land, but you got to go to that fucking guy, that level of struggle in life to find somebody to go out, to go, you know, roll the cantaloupes in after the fucking harvest, right? Why? Because we don't want to do it because we won't fucking work for a dollar a month. You rich cunt. Oh, I'm on a fucking

tear this morning. Unbelievable. So anyways, so they're putting a tile in on the bathroom. We're getting down to it right now. We're getting down. This is what I've learned from this fucking job. This is what you do. If you ever get any work done in your house, have the whole fucking thing designed, okay, before, you know, you have them even fucking remove the first piece of fucking whatever, you have the whole thing designed, you have everything that you want put in there, and you already have that fucking thing priced out. Then you order all this before they even start, you order all the fucking shit that you want put back, you put in a new kitchen, you order all of this shit that you want put back in, and you stick it in your fucking garage, and then you

fucking take out a stopwatch and you go, All right, guys, go. And that's it. And you stay on top of them. You never fucking stop me. Actually, in the estimate to you include the shit that they're going to put in afterwards, because these fucking assholes, if you go, Yeah, what's the estimate to get, you know, to get a new kitchen put in, 10 grand. You know what 10 grand is for them to disassemble the shit you have. You know, forget about all the bullshit they're going to find in the walls. Well, you know, we had a little bit of a problem there. Some of the stuff here is not up the code. This needs to be three quarters of an inch of things. All that fucking shit's coming. And then on top of all of that, they're going to add the price for all the appliances and all the

counters, all the countertops and all that. And you'd be like, Wait a minute, you just wasn't in the estimate. And they're going to be like, No, no, you know what you feel like when you do it? It's like the Blues Brothers when they thought the beer was free. Yeah, like, you didn't look charges for the first one. So what? We thought they were like, Oh, no, no. That's what your contractor does. All right, it's there's no difference between buying a car and having some fucking asshole work on your house. You have no idea what the price is, you know, like when you go down to buy a car, what you want to get from those cunts is the out the door price out the door. What is this costing me? Don't fucking act like you're knocking the Oh, I'll take a grand off and then charge

you 1500 bucks for the fucking rust proofing. You know, I don't know, this is just the ramblings of someone born without pigment. Okay, why would you listen to this shit? All right, let's do a little bit of advertising here. And then we're going to talk some shit here. Like I haven't been already. All right, where the hell is it? What are we? What are we reading here this week? Oh, shit, DraftKings, everybody. Millionaires are being made all season at all season long at draftkings.com America's favorite one week fantasy football site. As far as I'm concerned, they're the only one. Are there others? I don't know, one week fantasy means no season long commitments play whenever you want. Do you have an injured player? No problem. Exclamation point

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let's get back into the podcast here. All right. So last night, I had Paul Verzi on speaker phone and I had Jason Lawhead in my living room. We had a couple of pops. Paul was driving home or whatever and we had this epic fucking argument. It all started off with that guy in the giants making that unbelievable catch, which immediately everybody started saying was the greatest catch of all time. Greatest catch of all time. And of course Paul Verzi. There's nothing Paul likes better than saying that something is the greatest of all time. And I'm just like Paul, that's without a doubt. It's got to be top two or three. And I'm saying that out of respect for the fact that I know I haven't seen every great fucking catch. Okay. In NFL fucking history. I know I

haven't just out of respect, but I know goddamn well, I'm trying to think of a better one that I ever saw. No, I don't think I can think of one. There's bigger catches catches that happen in the Super Bowl, but just as far as degree of difficulty without a doubt, that's, I mean, I wouldn't think that you could maybe find one or two better than that. All right. But I do remember back in the day when I used to watch Boston college and this kid with the mesh half shirt was fucking running full speed jumped up in the air and with one hand just fucking reached back and behind his head and fucking just snagged this ball out like a fucking eagle BC eagle. Yeah, there you go. Snatched it out. Right. And when I, you know, was trying to find that catch on the

internet, I couldn't find it. So this is what Verzi says. He goes, dude, he's like, Chris Carter just said it's the greatest catch of all time. It's like, Paul, that's his fucking job. Oh, hey, it's his fucking job. ESPN's job is to tell you every fucking night that what you saw or what you're about to see is the greatest fucking thing you're ever going to see, because that's how they get their whore money. That's how they can afford to go out there and get the Corvette Z06 with the fucking, uh, look at me over here, a fucking racing package. That's the job. I know Chris Carter's a fucking hall of fame wide receiver, but I mean, come on. The second you get on TV, you got to start flapping your arms. Okay. If they don't hear your fucking sport coat

bumping up against your mic, they're not going to give you your paycheck. All right. Look what happened to Herm Edwards. Herm Edwards was a respectable human being when he played football and he coached football. Then he got on TV. I don't know what happened to the guy. That guy should have a red fucking nose on one of those horns. Every time he fucking says something, I don't even know if he's still on the show. I don't know if it was TV or he just snapped her in that one loss where he, you know, you play to win the games. If he just fucking something in his head just snapped because he goes on ESPN and he talks real low like this when he's setting up his point. And then when he goes to make his point, he starts fucking screaming,

right? He starts doing the curly shuffle, right? Oh, wise guy. Um, so anyways, anyways, so first he goes, dude, I just Googled greatest catches ever. He goes, it's a joke to say that Lynn Swan catching the Super Bowl. It's almost insulting. I love that he just, he goes on the internet. He doesn't even Google greatest one-handed catch ever. He just Googles greatest catch ever. And then he sits down and watches some dentist's YouTube video. This guy, right? This fucking guy, he just puts this together and then that's it. That's, there you go. That's how I know some guy who works on ESPN said it's the greatest one ever. And then I watched some fucking random guys YouTube video and there you go. That's it. It's done. Come on. This is,

I would love it to be the greatest fucking catch of all time. All right, but I gotta tell you, he only did it last night. And according to my research, okay, in a 12 hour period, you cannot watch every great fucking catch of all fucking time, professional and college level in all of that shit. But I would tell you that that was definitely, I mean, there's no way that you could find two catches better than that. I will say that, but I'm going to stop short of Paul Verzi slash Tony Kornheiser, which I'll never forget in September of 2007, watching the New England Patriots. It's just the greatest team ever. And then they end up losing the Super Bowl. It's like, you know, you know, it's a real travesty is that Tony Kornheiser doesn't wear a

fucking toupee that's barely on his head. You know what I mean? Then you could actually see how over the top half the shit guys like that say, every time they snap their head, it would go flying on the floor and it would remind you to take it with a grain of salt that for as much as Tony Kornheiser knows what he's saying, he's standing in the middle of a three ring circus going ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. This is the greatest bad mitten championship feels. So we went from that to then my fucking phone is blowing up here. Oh, conference call. Conference call. I don't do conference calls. You ever have a conference call? No, neither do you. None of us want to be on this fucking

phone call right now. Can somebody just say the thing that needs to be said so we can all hang up? Can I tell you something? One of the greatest things about doing what I do for a living is I don't have to have, you know, there's no like meetings. I don't want to tread on some shit that I did. Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention last week, my comedians and cars getting coffee aired last week. And you know, I was actually talking to Mr. Seinfeld. By the way, that wasn't one of the most surreal fucking things I've ever done to be sitting there with him, the king. Nobody did this business better. Well, I can't say Flip Wilson did it. Johnny Carson did it. Well, you just go out, you hit him, you hit him hard, you get your money and then you walk away. All right. And as they're

tugging on your shirt going, Hey, hey, you want to try to make a comeback? You want to try to do something else so we can just cancel it? You know, and put a little fucking black stain up against your name and they just go, No, you know what? I'm good. You enjoy yourself, Hollywood. I'll see you later. Flip Wilson did that. Flip Wilson had his fucking show. He was smart with his money. He invested the shit. And when the show was done, he's like, I'm out. See you later. Go fuck yourself. If you need me, I'll be at home rubbing my balls watching the game for the rest of my fucking life. Right? Johnny Carson, look what he did. He ended up owning the show. He had his own fucking clothing line, you know, long before all those rappers did. Okay. They're all

ripping off Johnny Carson, Johnny Carson collection. Some of the greatest plaid three piece suits you ever saw in your fucking life on here. You can laugh at him. You can laugh at him, but you laugh at them. All right. You're saying you don't like Anchorman. If you don't like Anchorman, you're not an American. And according to some of the people I've seen screaming on TV, that means you need to get the fuck out of this country. How dumb is that countries? You know, why can't we all just be happy? We're not in the water. Right? Can everybody just fucking relax? Okay, I got shoes, you got sandals. How are you? How's it going? Great. You know, I don't know what that thing is on your head, but you know, you seem to enjoy it. You want to come over and have some dinner?

Why can't you just fucking do that? Why does it always have to be screaming and fucking yelling? It's goddamn ISIS horseshit. I swear to fucking Christ. I would love to see them try to fucking defeat Florida. You know, sitting there acting like they're a goddamn problem. Holy shit. There's fucking 30,000 people on the other side of the planet that don't like us. Well, thank God we're on this side of the planet. I know we just stay over here and figure out how to make our cars run on Legos. And then what are they going to be mad at? Huh? That they got nobody to shoot at? Fuck them. Okay. You know what it is about America? We like back in the day, like one of those big fucking A&R guys that could actually take a band out of it, pluck them out

of obscurity and give them a hit record. That's what America does with our foreign policy. No one would ever have heard of ISIS if it wasn't for us. If our A&R guys didn't go over there and pluck them out of fucking obscurity, they'd just be over there, you know, no one would even know. They'd be like a garage band, you know, blowing up shit over there and no one would even hear fucking about them. All right. Why don't we walk away, tear up their contract and just fucking come home? Why don't we just come home? Can we just do it? Everybody, come on home. Let's just come on. Enough already. You're not going to solve anything over there. All right. But we want the stuff in the ground. I mean, sorry, we're trying to try to give them freedom.

Grow up. Okay. But just come on. Okay. We have beaches over here. What are you doing? We got oil here. Anyways, that was my version of what we should do with our foreign policy. Having not read a goddamn thing about it. As far as I know, ISIS was some sexy broad in the 70s, you know, who was a rival to Wonder Woman, you know, because everybody knows good-looking bitches don't get along. And the only way, the only way two good-looking women get along is so they can hate on other good-looking women and just sit there, you know, with their faces all fucking scrunched up. Hey, why does your face age but the rest of your body doesn't? Or why does your face age faster? You know, like you ever see like an old stripper, their fucking bodies are

gorgeous. And then their face, you're like, wow, man, look at that body. That body looks 26. And you look at their face, ah, she's 42. Or me, for instance, you know what I mean? Like if you guys saw me completely fucking naked, if you like, wow, man, I bet that guy's like 31. And then you see my face, you're like, holy shit, let's pick out a plot. Sorry, you know what, I'm not sorry, you deserve that, you deserve to picture me naked. So anyway, so we ended up having this fucking ridiculous fucking argument where Paul Verzi, of course, was saying Babe Ruth was the greatest baseball player of all time. And then he said all the usual shit, he basically repeated shit that he heard on TV. He played at the dead ball era, right? And Lawhead was also trying to tell me,

you know, yeah, he and I was just saying, listen, I'm not saying he's not one of the great players of all time, but he's not the greatest of all fucking time. For the simple fact, he didn't play against the greatest. All right, he played in a segregated league with the Pedro Martinez, the Mariano Rivera's, okay, the Josh Gibson's, they weren't allowed in the fucking league. He didn't have to compete against Reggie Jackson. He didn't have to compete against these guys. They weren't allowed in the league. He was playing in basically a softball league, okay, where the top third, what I would say would make, you know, would make the major league baseball nowadays. Okay, but I get it. You got to think like two thirds of them wouldn't even

fucking been there. Then they try to do that shit. Well, Bill, there was only 10 teams, there's 30 teams now. Yeah, and there was also only fucking two billion people on the planet. Now there's seven billion. All right, so I'll knock off like, I'll give my next to 10% on his fucking numbers then. Like, give me a fucking break. All you got to do, dude, he played baseball when people died at tuberculosis. He played baseball like there was a hit song. And that song was written in the 1890s and everybody thought it was too fucking crazy. What is this devil music? God damn it. See what happens when you let them off the plantation, they get a piano. They couldn't even handle it. He played baseball. That was a hit.

You know, people would just hear it and then sit around wondering when they were ever going to hear it again because they had no device to play it on. Yeah, that guy came to town and everybody stood around him and they played a fucking piano. You see how they worked out back then? Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, and only white guys, no black supporter, weekends, head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, those big, dumb fucking gloves that look like little people hands. Give me a fucking break. Not to mention Babe Ruth. I mean, they played a fucking piano. They played little people hands. Give me a fucking break. Not to mention Babe Ruth. I mean,

they built a stadium towards his strength, that right field fence. Okay. You could, you could make a cop show with two toddlers and they could do the classic scene where the fucking cop chases the perp down the alley and he gets to the chain link fence and fucking jumps over it. You could, you could film that with two toddlers with the right field fence in Yankee stadium, the house that Ruth built. All right. You backed up to catch a fly ball. It hits you like mid thigh and you fell into some guy's lap. Right. So anyway, give me a fucking break. All right. From 1930 on, I'll give it to you. All right. But if you played in the teens, you played in the odds, you played in the 1800s and even into the 20s, go fuck yourself.

All right. And I feel like every, look, every like major sport has their three stooge's error where one team won a bunch of fucking championships. All right. I love the Boston Celtics, but give me a break. You look at them in the 1960s. I mean, it looks like it looks like a game being played at the Y, you know, some Christian rec league. All right. The fucking Canadians won a bunch of Stanley cups when, you know, you had first dibs on any guy within a 300 mile fucking radius and a 16 fucking league. They had first dibs on anybody in French speaking Quebec. And we, we had, you know, we had first pick at like the best guy from Vermont. Gee, did you go on a run? It's fucking

ridiculous. Okay. And then the Green Bay Packers who were actually the fucking Yankees of football, you know, they, you know, they were winning titles when the Canton Bulldogs were still in the fucking league. All right. Give me, come on. Right. Football was like a, I think they played with a pumpkin back then. I mean, give me a fucking break. All those chains, the whole star, the history, the blah, blah, the only ones that I will, that I will, I will recognize their championships without a grain of salt. I would say any of the New York Yankees from like the 1930s on. For the simple fact, they went Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantel. And that's just nobody's, nobody's ever going to do that again. You're not going to get the Jordan

of your era four times in a fucking row. All right. You're just not going to do it. So without a doubt, I respect all of that type of shit. But you know, at the inception of these fucking leagues, when crazy legs, Johnson runs around, googly eyes, fucking Ulysses and give me a fucking break. Okay. He played in the dead ball era. You don't understand. This guy had more doubles. Who was on the mound? My great grandfather. Going out of the bullpen. Oh freckles. Was that the song they played when he came in? He said, enter Sandman. They weren't facing cut fastballs back then. I'm sure there was guys throwing 90, 100 miles of fucking hour, but just the amount of bums that were in that fucking league

back then. I don't want anyone to hear it. There was, there's a guy in the Hall of Fame who for good luck in baseball, he kept a section of rope that was used in an actual lynching. Okay. This is how long ago these fucking people played and you're going to sit there and act like in the inception of these fucking leagues. You know, look, and obviously in every era, there was a Jordan. All right. But just like the techniques and everything, some of the records that were set back then, they'd have a fucking heavyweight fight. It would go on for like a day. They'd have like a fucking, you know, a 90 round fight. Okay. Now listen, you're getting punched in the fucking head.

But what kind of technique are you using? Who did bare knuckle fucking people? I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. All right. The competition now is so much more insane. That I just think it would immediately, but I guess they would compete at the same level. But like just the fact that it's now everybody gets to compete and not to mention like, I mean, you can get fucking fathers out there. I'm trying to, trying to teach that kid how to throw a curveball to get, you know, get the family out of the trailer park when the kid's like six years old, stunting the growth of one of his fucking arms, you know, because they live in a fucking trailer

and somebody's got a growth on their face that they want to have, and they want to remove. Then all those kids going out there, you know, back in the day, you went out and you played catch with your little kid. Now you go out there and you, from day one, you try to teach him how to switch it. It's insane. All right. So whatever, I'm just saying. So whatever, if you guys think Babe Ruth is the greatest baseball player, it's so hard to say because all you can go by is this guy's fucking stats. You played back, you know, it was probably a guy better than fucking Babe Ruth, but he got polio. You know what I mean?

I mean, just, I don't know. All right, I'm done. I'm done fucking muttering here. All right, let's move on here. Oh, did you see the bills in Jets game was snowed out? I love when they have those big snow storms, right? And then everybody goes global warming, huh? And I got a buddy of mine for a shot who was actually on Conan O'Brien last week. He didn't let me know, you know, because like most funny people, he's fucking humble. Okay. And didn't even fucking tell me, but he actually told me that that is a symptom of global warming. And I'm going to pause here for everybody, you know, who doesn't think that 7 billion people pouring nuclear waste into rivers has any sort of an effect on the planet,

you know, but a bunch of deer do. We're going to eat all the fucking trees. We got to get them out of here, man. Well, what about us? What do you mean? We're fine. Deers have an effect. Deers have an effect on, on the environment. You know, them things that don't drive cars or pollute lakes. Yeah. But us 7 billion people who actually us here who actually put a hole in the fucking ozone layer, spraying Pam into skillets. So our omelets don't stick to them. We do not have any sort of effect on the planet whatsoever. This, I mean, I don't know shit about this, but people are actually saying that that is these giant snow storms are actually a direct effect. Of the warming of the globe. Now, whether we do it or not, here we go. This is what this

person says. The storms that buried Buffalo, New York area and more than seven feet, 2.1 meters, if you're from another country, of snow this week, shattered records and shocked the residents, even, even in a region accustomed to dealing with heavy snow. The storms are certain to provide new fodder for climate change skeptics who seem to embrace every monster blizzard as evidence that global warming doesn't exist. And yet the science behind these catastrophic storms suggest that they do not occur despite global warming, but in fact, because of it. And he sends a link to the U.S. India summit. Bring historic climate action, question mark. I know this person wants it to be true. So I understand that I'm only reading one side of the argument here, but this is,

this is actually interesting to me. Part of what gave us the record lake effects, snowfall and Buffalo was warm, late fall, lake surface temperature that combined with something highly unusual, a five sigma event. Oh, shit. Well, that clears it up. What the hell does that mean? That is a very likely event on the, on the order of one in a million or remarkable, persistent. What's with all the big words, dude? Anomalous configuration of the jet stream, which brought frigid, frigid Arctic air down into the United States so early in the season. The cold winds traveling over the warm moisture laden lake created a perfect storm of conditions for record, uh, for record lake effect snow. I think basically what they're saying is warm

air can hold more moisture because the air molecules are more, uh, spread out and they'll lodge you. Right. And then that for what, I don't know that they don't explain why the fucking jet stream got pushed down, bringing the, so whatever. So frigid air hit this unbelievably warm air. All right. And then what does that do? Ladies and gentlemen, we all know that cold air is high pressure air and high pressure wants to go to low pressure. And then what does it do? It fucking goes, slams into it and sends all that warm, moist air right up into the fucking sky. Right. Then it hits the dew point. What's the dew point, boys and girls? The dew point is the point at which when water, when moisture in the air becomes visible, also known as the cloud.

And if it's on the ground, it's more known as fog. Yeah. So then what happens is as that air moves up, it starts to cool. So the air molecules start to shrink and then you reach the saturation point and then the fucking water drops. And then with that art together underneath it, it fucking snows like a motherfucker. All right. Now what happens there? I don't understand how the, how the fucking, whatever. I just, it's, it's interesting. Whatever. I'll have the link up there. If you guys can translate it for me, I'd appreciate it. There you go. That was Bill Nye, the science, not the science guy. I got some of it right. You got to be impressed with the high pressure, low pressure shit, weren't you? Well, go fuck yourself. What are you impressed by, huh?

Your own bulls. So what else do I have to do here? I mean, what, I mean, what else do I have to do for you people? You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to read the last two advertising this week. You know? And if you actually paid to advertise on here, you don't like my reads. My reads are fucking great because I even as much as I'm shitting on whatever I'm saying, it keeps people listening. All right. And they buy stuff. By the way, guess what? I'm wearing a pair of, I'm wearing a pair of me undies, me undies, no more sweaty balls. I'm wearing them. They sent them to me. They seem to be working fine, but I don't have sweaty ball items. So I don't know what to tell you, but they didn't advertise this week. So I'll tell you about my experience later

on another episode. All right. Dollar Shave Club, everyone. Big shave companies must think we're a bunch of scumbag criminals. Why else do they lock the razors up in that maximum security plastic razor fortress in the shave aisle? You have to stand around like a convict waiting for the guy to come and unlock the razor case. Do they think you're some kind of a jewel thief? Well, what if some homeless guy comes in and shaves his balls and he nicks it and then you get, you get homeless ball aides? Maybe they're trying to fucking prevent that. I don't know. Why am I sticking up for CVS? Anyways, next thing, there'll be a security guard who tases you if you get too close to the razors. You're not a criminal

and you shouldn't be treated like one just because you need a pack of razors. They were sick of getting humiliated every time they needed razors. So they came up with dollarshaveclub.com. Their plan starts at just $3 a month. They arrive like clockwork so you can shave with a fresh blade every week. That's the American dream. dollarshaveclub.com is the most convenient way to get a great shave and the least expensive too. Maybe if the big shave company's blades weren't so ridiculously expensive, they wouldn't need to lock them up tighter than Fort Knox. If anything is criminal, it's the big shave company's prices. Absolutely. Absolutely. Now the big shave companies are trying to do what a dollarshaveclub is doing. All right. Fuck those guys. Stick with dollarshaveclub.

You just got off the plantation. You're a free man. You don't run back on to it. You bunch of dummies. Stick with dollarshaveclub.com. dollarshaveclub.com. Over a million people get their razors from dollarshaveclub.com. All right. If you're not part of the club, you're missing out. dollarshaveclub.com slash burr, b-u-r-r. Go to that now and check them out. You won't be solid. Sorry. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr, b-u-r-r. E-voice, everybody. Evidently, I love the flexibility that owning your own business provides. Why do they do that? I don't have my own business, but evidently, I love the flexibility of it. What else do I love? I don't know. Let me read more of this

copy. Look at me. I've created an empire with this show, but when it comes to handling business calls, you're stuck with the challenge. And now we're talking to you all of a sudden. Either hire a full-time receptionist or handle all of your calls yourself. It's a lose-lose. That's why I love E-voice, everybody. They will set up your business with the toll-free number or local call. I actually do. I love this idea. I do love this idea, but I don't need E-voice, the people at E-voice, to tell me that I love it. I will tell them that I love it if I love it. Goddamn it. Stop putting words in my mouth. They will set up your business with the toll-free number or local number when customers call. They're greeted by a professional or a virtual receptionist

that will rotate all of your calls, route all your calls, sorry, to wherever you are. There's even a dial-by-name directory. You're going to sound like a Fortune 500 company, and more importantly, you'll never miss an important call, all for under 13 bucks a month. Dude, this is a joke. If you have your own business and you don't have E-voice, you're a moron. All right? Right now, for a limited time, my listeners can try E-voice for free for 60 days. You get this wonderful service for two months for free, roughly, unless it's back-to-back 31 days. Then you got to watch out. Those last two days, you're going to have to take your calls. Seriously, my listeners get an extended 60-day trial to test, drive this amazing business tool.

That's, that is correct. 60 days just for our listeners and whoever else reads this on a podcast. Go to evoice.com-slash-bill-b-i-l-l now to sign up. Set up your E-voice 60-day extended free trial now. evoice.com-slash-bill, that's evoice.com-slash-bill. If you'd like to donate to this podcast to everybody, whenever you're going to buy something on Amazon, just go to billbird.com, click on the podcast page, and then click on the Amazon link that we have, whatever you call it, the little picture of Amazon, you click on that and it'll take you right to Amazon and they kick me a little bit of money and it doesn't cost you a thing. Why can't I get rid of this here? Don't save. All right, back to this shit. I watched a really cool documentary called Nixon on Nixon, which is

basically the tapes from the White House that he set up, the Nixon tapes, and then also interviews that he had. And this guy puts Archie Bunker to shame, but granted, it's also like, I mean, the guy taped himself for like six years, however long he was in office. He had one term and then he won the next one, I think, within a year or so he was out. What, 68 to 74? Basically five, six years? So of course, all they pick out is when he's saying anti-semitic shit, when he's saying stuff about minorities, his stuff about women. I mean, Jesus Christ, this guy, he sounds like Archie Bunker, but it's just a really fascinating thing. I highly recommend it. And just how they say the press is the enemy. The press is the enemy. And how you think it's like this evil thing,

like they're sitting there going like, yes, we must lie to the American people. Their view is literally the press is the enemy because they're distorting what it is we're trying to say, which is the classic thing where everybody thinks that they're doing right and it's the right thing. I'm a moron and I enjoyed it and I think you will too. Sure, we all do. Let's get to some questions here this week. Oh, by the way, I was in New York City, barely had time to do anything. I went and I recorded. We got a big time actor to do one of the roles on my show, F is for Family. I had a great time doing that and I can't fucking wait for this show to come out. We're doing the last records today. And I'm not allowed to say, I guess, some of the people that we got on this

thing and we signed another person to do it. And yeah, we're going to have to record today. Yeah. So anyways, the stock market, Billy Market Belt. Are you involved? Are you involved? Are you involved in the buying and trading of stocks or mutual funds? Do you have a business manager diversifying your shit? Come to San Diego and go fuck yourself. That is an unbelievably personal fucking question. But I'll answer it. This is what I think about the stock market. I think it's like Vegas. It's just a crap table. And I think insider trading happens all the time. And I think there's people who go in and they drive the market up and then they pull their money out and it falls down and then they buy it low and they do it all the fucking time. And the same

people that do that put the money behind these campaigns for the people who become president and only make $500,000 a fucking year. And that's why people look the other way. And then once they have you fucking 20 years, they throw a celebrity shift in jail to make it seem like they're doing something. Am I in the stock market? Sort of, but not really. I'm super conservative. And I just look at my retirement account that I just wanted to still be there. I'm not worried about it gaining interest. I'm just more worried about the sum of the money. But I don't look at my retirement fund like it's even going to be there the way these banks are fucking running wild, as Hulk Hogan says. And nobody is trying to stop these guys. And I've lately been bitching about why we're still having

fucking wards over in the Middle East and fighting fucking terrorist groups of 30 fucking people who don't even have a fucking airplane. You know what I mean? Like they're going to come over here and do something to us. And like what, destroy this fucking company? Of course, of course, they could come over here and they could fucking blow something up. Yeah, all right, we're going to survive that. We need to spend billions of fucking dollars over there. Going up to 30,000 fucking jerk offs. You know, meanwhile, you got insurance companies and bankers raping everybody over here. And then you've got other people poisoning the food supply. You know, what do they got that that that

they're so fucking powerful, like you're not even allowed to say what's in the food. You got this dumb shit you watch in the world series and they have stand up for cancer and nobody's talking about the fucking food supply. And then if you criticize this, I'm standing up for cancer, like you don't give a shit about and they just start, they always just start yelling at people and they never yell at the fucking five fucking guys that they could actually change the shit. It drives me up the fucking wall. It's like that, that whole fucking no more campaign classic NFL classic NFL, like they're reprimanding you like you were the one who didn't show that whole fucking tape.

And then at the very least they're trying to say we're all guilty. It's like, no, you're guilty. You're cunt. So whatever. So that's what I say. I say, bring the boys and girls home. And you know, we start, we invade the fucking people that are putting all this crazy shit in the food supply. I'd start with that. I'd knock on some banker's house, you know, be like, what the fuck are you doing? You know, that's would make everybody's life way better. I would think rather than going after fucking 5,000 people working out on a jungle gym. Bill, you're kind of oversimplifying things. Well, that's what I do. If you don't like it, listen to another fucking podcast. You want to listen to some of you

reads? Yeah, go listen to Joe Rogan. There's an informed human being. All right. You listen to the Joe Rogan experience to learn things. You listen to my podcast to feel better about yourself, to feel smarter. You know, does that make you feel good, honey? You smarter than me? Well, fuck you. All right. Okay. Here we go. Farmer Bill. Hey, Bill, let's say the apocalypse goes down. I would take a steak knife and stick it in my neck. And I would hum jingle bells. And that's how I would end it. He goes, oh, anyways, he goes, you get to that farm and you realize you only have three crops. Oh, you, you get to that farm. What farm? Did I say I was going to have a farm?

Jesus. I didn't know you already lost me two sentences in, but I'll keep reading. What do you grow? You might be living off these three fruits or vegetables for a while. So you got to be smart. Also, you need to think about how you might combine them to change it up a bit. Thanks and go fuck yourself. First of all, I don't have to do any of that. I have to answer this fucking question and I resent the fact that you're telling me that I have to do this when you can't even fucking, you're writing sentences as bad as I speak. But I'll answer it. I'll answer it. So I, when I get to that farm and I, and if I could have three crops, what would I grow? Let's see here. I'd have two vegetables and a fruit.

Right? Would that work out? I guess I'd have some sort of lettuce. Well, first of all, the fruit. I like bananas. It's very hard to get sick of bananas. I could eat a banana every day. Boom, banana, potassium. No matter what, I'm going to end up getting some sort of scurvy, right? Or maybe I need an orange. Trying to think of all this shit. What would happen when you get scurvy? You know what? I can't answer it. I'd have to read up on nutrition. I didn't know that there was going to be a test this week, everybody. If I was just going by taste, I would have a banana, some sort of lettuce. And then what's another vegetable that I like?

I don't know, apples. Yeah. So my vegetables would be lettuce and apples. And then the fruit would be a banana. So there you go. Now I want to ask everybody who just listened there, like, how excited did you get that you thought that I actually thought that an apple was a vegetable? You know, and it made you feel better about you and your fucking stupid life that for one second you were right and somebody else was wrong. What does that say about you as a person? If you didn't actually just hear me say that and then actually feel sad, like, oh no. Oh no, he's going to make a fool of himself if it actually made you fucking happy. You know, do you think that I'm going to wish you a happy Thanksgiving? I hope you fall face first into

the gravy. What do you think about that? Right in front of your mom and when you pick up your fucking half burned up face and you're pulling that lot off your face, I would just love for you to see the disappointment in her eyes. That's what I want for you on this wonderful week for giving thanks. Jesus Christ, how fucking heavy handed are they going to be? You know, the NFL right this week when they do their fucking Thanksgiving games, you know, they're going to have like a camouflage fucking turkey for the troops and then you know there's going to be something about some disease. This is what they're going to do. They're going to say no more hitting women with a camouflage turkey leg with a cancer riddled camouflage turkey

while supporting the troops. That's what they're going to say. I think they're going to combine all of that and at some point I imagine everybody's going to stand up for something. They're going to stand up for a disease. Stand up for cancer sounds like you support cancer, doesn't it? Stand up for cancer. Stand up for it. Should it be stand up against cancer? Am I slowly losing my mind in like, I don't understand the English language all of a sudden? Am I getting some sort of, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck. I can't even want the fuck to tell you. I just wish they would just play the games. Just show the game. I don't need you to try to make me be a better person. All right. I'm a piece of shit and I'm trying. Okay. I don't

need to be fucking like, I don't need you to be my fucking parent. All right. Fireplace. Billy Claus. I'm thinking of, oh, what about avocados? Gotta love an avocado. Hey, I'm back. I'm back on my diet here. This is how I lose weight. I juice morning and lunch and then I try to eat fucking as veggie as I came for the rest of the fucking day and then you skip the rope. You skip the rope and it melts off you. That's it. Then you're done. Then you're in Billy Bob Thornton shape. All right. Fireplace. Billy Claus. I'm thinking fixing, I'm thinking fixing up my basement. You're thinking of fixing up your basement. The previous owner had a fireplace plastered over. It's either a traditional fireplace or a wood stove.

Do you have any, I don't know how I'm supposed to assume and understand that literally the way you wrote that, I mean, it sounded like behind the wall was either a traditional fireplace or a wood stove. Who the fuck would have a wood stove in a wall? Do you have any, well, maybe there is. Is there, when I think of a wood stove, it's sitting in the middle of a room. Yeah, fuck. Now I got to Google image it. I got to Google image. Up, up, up, up, sitting, wonder why, babe, when I'm going down the road. You guys just enjoy this music while I look this up. Why don't you fucking something wonder why, babe? When I'm going down the road, I used to do something, something else. Wood stove.

I can't sing and type at the same time. Image. Yeah, wood stove. Yeah, it sits out in the fucking, there it is. I'm doing what Paul Versey does. Dude, I Googled wood stoves and none of them were in a wall. Yeah, none of them are in a wall. Okay. Me someday I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul. Don't think twice. It's all right. All right, fireplace. Hey, Billy Claus, I'm thinking of fixing up my basement. The previous owner had a fireplace plastered over, so it's either the traditional fireplace or wood stove. That's how you should have written. Do you have any feelings either way, pros or cons on the matter? Oh, I'd go into the wall, dude. If you've got a fireplace

man, they don't allow them anymore. You know, I don't know where the fuck you live where you could actually have a wood stove. I didn't think that they allowed that anymore. You could just have some shit coming out of the chimney. But you know, if you actually already have a fireplace, if that system is already there, yeah, but then the fucking chimney is going to be fucked up. And then you have to fix that. I would, you know, I would go the expensive route. That's what I do. I would, I would take it and I would have the exposed brick. This is the original brick from the early 1920s, back when Babe Ruth was playing in a softball league. Dude, they would do in the Charleston when the guy was hitting home runs. I mean, Jesus,

give me a fucking break. Like that was a hit song. Fucking women walking around wearing swimming caps. That's when guys had one piece bathing suits and went down to your fucking knees and they had just stripes across it. They didn't have a fucking lifeguard. You just went into the ocean and you drowned and like that was it. Nobody got sued. I don't fucking know. Anyways, yeah, I would, I would, I would unearth the fucking fireplace. That's what I would do. Anyways, hey, we're still trying to raise money for the all things comedy studio. We're getting closer by the day. We really appreciate

everybody. Your donations stand up for the new all things comedy professional studio. We would greatly appreciate it. I'm excited. All things comedies. Ari Shaffir is taping a new stand up special this very week. Joe Rogan, friend of the Monday morning podcast. He has a new stand up special that just debuted on comedy central. Please look for that. The great Joe Rogan and rumor has it that I might be out at the ice house with him this Wednesday night right before Thanksgiving. All right. And with that, we're going to end with a little holiday song. Okay. Have yourself a happy Thanksgiving. Eat some turkey for me. Mash potatoes and some fucking yams

for you. And don't get into a fight. No matter how much your brother's a dick. Hello people. It's once again that time of year when douchebags on TV tell you to stop and think about everything that you have. You know, millionaires on television sitting there getting blown right before the take that they did to tell you to sit back and feel thankful for everything that you have. This is the thing. You know what'd be a great goal is if you're going home for Thanksgiving. Especially if you're in your college years and you're still, I fucking hate my parents. If you could just somehow go there and not yell at anybody, not get drawn into a fight. Okay. And when one of your siblings who makes those passive aggressive comments because they're

competing for the attention of your parents, because subconsciously they realize that despite what your mother says, you are her favorite, you know, you're just going to, I never had kids, but it's impossible. You got, I mean, you know, I love the Bruins. I have my favorite player. You know what I mean? Speaking of which, Jesus Christ, we got to get healthy. Good Lord. Fucking lost to the Canadians again. I actually sat down and I enjoyed the Rangers beating the shit out of Canadians. Something that we haven't been able to do this year, but you know, you're going to have those let down games, but the Canadians look good. God damn it. Those bastards look good. Anyways, yeah. So why don't you do that?

Okay. Do that, sit down and have some fucking food. I would love to have Thanksgiving this year, but I got dust in my fucking kerchief. You hear that? You hear the knocking downstairs? People knocking, but you can't come in. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Seriously, have yourself a happy Thanksgiving. Thank you. You know what I'm thankful for that people listen to this podcast. Oh, and you know what I announced? I'm so friggin excited about this. Oh, Jesus, the hammering is coming now. I, we announced the, my Australian tour on the internet and we got to get the dates up on my website, but I'm going to be going

to basically all the major cities in Australia, except for the one that begins with an A that I got a bunch of shit from where people will give me shit, you know, but not going over there. I'm just taking a 20 hour fucking flight to Perth. Can you also fucking come here? Why don't you guys get on a choo-choo train? Do you guys even have trains in Australia? We able to build them or did the fucking everybody went to build them get bit by a fucking some ridiculously inland, something or other that has enough venom to kill 200 elephants, because there's no fucking food supply out of that. So when they bite you, they got to make a sure it counts. Yeah. Why don't you, why don't you do me a solid just, you know, I'll take a 20

hour flight and you can jump on a fucking train for 45 minutes, drink some little creatures, beer. Oh man, I can't wait to drink that shit when I'm over there. Oh, let me tell you, Billy's going to get fat when he's over there. And then I'm going to go to New Zealand and I'm going to do two dates over there. And rumor has it that I might be adding some Asia, some Asia dates onto this tour. And to give you an hint, to give you a hint, let's see, how can I, let me see if I know enough about any of these countries to give you a hint. All right, I'm going to give you a hint. One of these I'm going to be going to the land. Anybody who's English speaking in the crowd will be either

an ex-patriot or a telemarketer. All right, come on people. Where's the telemarketers from? When you call up, hello, my name is Frank, right? Where are they from? I'm going to do a stand-up show in a country where I could maybe possibly get caned afterwards. Quivering butt cheeks over there. I'm going to do stand-up possibly in a city where right off the coast, there might be some right in the water, right in the bay, there might be some old army helicopters under the water. And then I'm also going to do a show in a country where, oh, Jesus Christ. How do I fucking do this one? I'm out of definitely a bunch of expatriates. It's English speaking in a country that Nixon actually broke the science, the science,

broke the silence with one of his big moves that he did during his presidency, was he actually went and had a big meeting with these guys. All right, there you go. It's going to be an insane tour and I'll probably lose money on most of the nights, especially with those last ones. I mean, and you know where the fuck I'm going to be performing, but I'm going. God damn it. Why the fuck wouldn't you? That's it. And anyways, everybody have a happy Thanksgiving. You know, come on, they're your family. You love them. Don't get drawn into the fights. Tell everybody their food tastes good. And that's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you next week.