Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-25-13

Episode Date: November 26, 2013

Bill rambles about smart people, dancing with a game face, and how to hit on a LAY-dee in a coffee shop.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, November 25th, 2013. How are you doing? How are you? Happy Thanksgiving. Eat some turkey and some stuffing and gravy and then eat some pie. I love Thanksgiving. I really do. But you know, I'm actually leaving the country. I'm going to be an ex-patriot. I'm leaving the country the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I didn't even realize that. This is going to be the first Thanksgiving I ever spend, you know, outside of the country. I'm actually going to be over in Italy. Like one of the some of the Army guys back in the day in World War II sitting over there. I like a big pizza pie. Shoot them in the face. Getting ready for my big European tour over there, everybody. You know, I didn't realize when we went to book this thing how fucking cold it was going to be in Scandinavia in December. And I just did some some interviews there for the Norwegian Journal or the fucking Swedish periodical, whatever the fuck, whoever I was talking to over there.

And they told me they were laughing that I was coming over there. Like why are you coming over here now? Which is never a good sign. You know, when the people, you know, of the nation are not like, are not welcoming you with open arms, they're immediately going like, yeah, you sure you want to do this? I guess the sun goes down at three in the afternoon. I can't believe it's like, is it that far fucking north? And I'm starting to think about, I'm like, wait a minute, if you go straight across from Massachusetts where I grew up, where do you end up? Mediterranean Sea? The south of Spain? I don't even fucking know. And then I'm thinking like, wait a minute, they have, wait a minute, they're way the fuck up there. They're like Yukon territories, they're that high up. You know, because you look at a fucking map, it's flat. You spin a globe, you can't see it. It's around the corner. Where is it? Where is it? You know, am I supposed to take a string? I didn't fucking know. So evidently it's going to, the sun's going to go down at three. Then it's going to be cold as hell. I don't give a shit. It's still going to be a good time.

You know, break up my party. You know what's funny though, is I talked to this person at Iceland, the radio show, and they said, okay, before we start this, I got to do the, I got to, you know, they were recording it for the radio, and he goes, all right, before I ask you the questions, I just have to do a quick intro. So I'm like, this is always cool, because they speak in their native tongue, and then they go right back to you. And I've never heard the Icelandic language, and it's fucking cool as hell. You know what it sounds like? Remember when they would play lyrics backwards, that devil shit, on, on metal records? That's what it sounded like. He's like, okay, I'm going to do the intro, but I can't do, I can't even do the accent. And he just goes, raw ship, raw ship, building, building, building, building, building, building, building, building. Bill, so you're coming to our country? I was like, oh my God, I hope these fucking people are going to be bilingual because there's no way I could ever make, like that, you know, there's certain languages that I feel like I could make, like Spanish, I know. If I could just find some beautiful Spanish woman to teach me, Mexican, Latino, whatever the fuck I'm supposed to say, if you just come over here with your brown titties hanging out of your fucking beautiful white blouse, you know, I could learn the damn language. All right, if I could get some French woman dressed up like one of those hoary maids, I would have it down.

The problem is, is I sit here with this Rosetta Stone and I'm talking to a fucking computer. Where is the motivation? The second I walk away from the computer, I can immediately speak English and to do anything I want. I can get food. I go to Africa, I go to Asia, I can do whatever I want. Why don't I just think of that weird girl in a breakfast club? I don't know if that was the proper quote. Anyways, back to what the fuck I was talking about. So like the motivation isn't there. So what I think I'm going to do this next time I try Rosetta Stone to learn Spanish, French, whatever the fuck I'm trying is I'm just going to have beautiful women, like pictures of them on the wall. Even then, what's that going to do? You know what they should have? They should just start, like they have those late at night talk to some hottie and they just show these ridiculously hot women and they're like, yeah, hey, for some reason nobody's buying me a bunch of stuff tonight. I'm just sitting here with my panties on. Why don't you call me up and talk to me? You zitted back fat fuck, right?

You know it isn't true, but you want to believe it. So this might be a good business and I don't want to start a fucking business. So feel free to steal this idea. What you do is you hire a bunch of hotties to Skype with people to teach them the language of their nation. No, that wouldn't work because the amount of times that they would click to talk to somebody and all they would see is just some dick getting fucking stroked. That would just be really traumatic for those beautiful women. And why would you want to do that? You know, if they were nice enough, if they were nice enough to like take time from being hot to teach somebody a different language, they're probably a good person. So they shouldn't be subjected to that. All those other whores that are just walking around being hot for hot sake, for the sake of being hot and getting a free jello shot. You know, I wouldn't have a problem with them having some video dicks like shook in their faces. Does that make sense? I'm unbelievably fucking jet lagged everybody.

Speaking of smart people, I did a college gig at this theater and I literally flew out and came right back. So I don't even know the name of it. I have no idea. It's the second time I've been there and I want to shoot a special there. The crowd was fucking awesome there. Okay, I showed you my respect, but I went there because me and Verzi went to the Harvard Yale game at the Yale Bowl. The original Bowl in the United States of America. This is the one that started all of it. The reason why there is the Rose Bowl that I go to every fucking year is because of the Yale Bowl. And we went there and I got to tell you, we saw what sports look like without the use of any sort of steroids. Verzi was fucking hilarious. He was going, Bill, I'm not even joking. I feel that if I went to this school and I played for Yale, like I could not only make the football team, I could like dominate, like I could stand out.

And I understood why he felt that way. I'm not saying he's right, but to sit in the stands and for the first time in my life be watching college football and seeing people that are kind of the same size as you. I know they're way fucking faster and all that type of thing, but it was unbelievable. Yale vs. Harvard, Harvard kicked the shit out of them. And I got to tell you, it was really cool just being around that many smart people. Looks like some 20 year old fat kid walking through the crowd wearing like a bow tie. Not like a clip on, like you tie it yourself, like he knows how to do it. It's just immediately, it's like how fucking smart is that guy? Like who knows how, who fucking knows how to do that?

I'll tell you, smart people and plantation owners are the only ones who know how to do that fucking bow tie, right? And then there was some really good looking women there and they were, you know, that's just, that's a really turn on to see women that good looking. You know, and they're actually going to Harvard, they're just not walking around being hot, getting free shit, they're actually doing something with your life, that's really a turn on. Can you imagine banging a girl like that? Just being on top of her like, oh God, she's so smart. Oh, she has all the answers. I don't know, this is ridiculous. So the Yale Bowl, everybody, in case you're wondering, the Yale Bowl is a football stadium in Gunwaven, New Haven, Connecticut, on the border of West Haven. Yada, yada, yada, yada, it was constructed and broke ground in 1913. All right, cost them $750,000, $17.5 million in today's dollars.

That was the 130th meeting between Yale and Harvard and I was just sitting there thinking like George Bush, George W, used to get fucking shitfaced back when he was still a good shit drinkin'. You know, he used to get hammered here. Hillary fucking blew Bill Clinton under the bleachers, right? Those two families, they're the worst. I don't mind his dad, but fucking Georgie Jr. and the Clintons, they're just the fucking worst. But anyways, basically ground was broken in 1913. It was the first bowl-shaped stadium in the country and provided inspiration for the design of such stadiums as the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, the Rose Bowl, and Michigan Stadium. This was the one that started it all. This is the daddy to the granddaddy of them all. All right, this is Zeus to all the Athenians and Mercury's and all that shit. Did I jump between Greek and Roman gods? I don't give a fuck.

All right, you goddamn egghead, why don't you go tie your bow tie again today? Nobody gives a fuck. So we went there and dude, Verzi was so fucking fucked. First of all, he killed on the show and then we were staying at this hotel. And before the show, we were hanging and in my hotel room, we were watching LSU playing the Aggies. And I was great to see LSU win, you know, all the disappointing losses this year. And when you looked out the window, you could see Yale's campus. And I was joking with Paul and I was going, look at it, Paul. I go, it's so close. And then I pointed to my brain and I'm like, yet so far away.

And I'm laughing. And Verzi's such like a fucking competitive psycho. He says, dude, fuck that. Dude, fuck these fucking people. He's like, you think we couldn't get into the school? I'm like, yeah, yeah, I don't think we didn't, Paul. You know, you're going to go into fantasy land. What happened is we both went to high school and we tried and we didn't get in. So yeah, this isn't even like a debate at this point. We didn't. And now we're coming back here like a couple of fucking dancing monkeys to entertain these people.

All right. And he wouldn't, he wouldn't leave it alone. He just kept going like, dude, fuck that. If I had a better upbringing, you know, if I had like people who like made me focus on academics. And if I, yeah, Paul, yeah, if you're not the result of morons fucking, right? That's too harsh. I feel like I'm the same way. All right. Jesus Christ. They just attacked his parents. That's that, you know, that's the last thing I want to do on this podcast. But Verzi's sitting there. He was, was not joking.

Saying that he could be, he could make it, he could have went to Yale. And that's why I love that guy is I just sit there and look, I go, there's no fucking way. He's like, yeah, we could do it. There's no fucking Verzi. If you're listening to this, there is no fucking way. If your parents made you read books, every goddamn like, there's no fucking way. You've said enough dumb shit to me. The foundation of you, it's just not there. The same as me, Paul. Okay. It's built on, it's built in sand.

Now, had either one of our parents gone there, and then we were part of a legacy or whatever the fuck they call it. We go, I could go there. I could go to Yale the way George W. went there. You know, get there, have that fucking look on my face. Just getting shitfaced. Everybody loving me. Hey, he's a complete fuck up. He has no business being here. But he got the, he bought the keg. Right? I'd be that guy. I don't fucking know. Either way, we went to the game and it was great.

It was really like, it was sort of pure. There was nothing riding on the game. There's no reason to play football at Yale and Harvard other than you love playing football. And then also the fact that, you know, they're all really smart. That was something really fascinating about it. Like that guy, look at that guy out there. He gets geometry. And he just went over the middle and took that hit. That's just fucking amazing to me. Just multi-talented.

So I got all kinds of respect. Well, I gotta tell you, I think Harvard was on the juice out because they have some sort of, I don't know, lock on draft picks because they seem, there seemed to be a definite, a sizable difference between the athletes on Harvard side versus Yale. And I didn't know what to root for. I liked Yale's colors, bought Harvard's from Massachusetts. All right, I'm done with this shit. All right, back to the fucking podcast. Oh, oh, I have an announcement to make everybody after threatening forever

that there would be podcast t-shirts, ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, boys and girls of all sizes. The podcast t-shirts are here. T-shirt info. They are available as of right now, Monday morning. They come in gray and white. Size is small, medium, large, extra, large, and double extra large. T-shirts are 20 bucks in the United States, 25 for foreigners.

DVDs are also 20 bucks, 25 for international. You can buy them together and save. T-shirt and DVD combo is 30 bucks US, 35 international. And I got to tell you, man, that makes a great gift, as I say, every year. It's a great fucking gift. Just for somebody that you don't give a shit about, but you got to get him something, right? Get him a DVD. Here you go. Go fuck yourself. Laugh it up, fucko. Right?

Who doesn't like a t-shirt? All right, these are those... Not what is it? Not Amber Cromby and Fitch. Who's the guy who takes the creepy pictures of teenagers? It begins with an A. You know, you know the deal, you know the fuck they are. Ah, fuck.

Whatever, they're nice and soft. This is really bad to say after he's saying he takes pictures of teenagers. He has those creepy things. It's not Calvin Klein. He's like the new Calvin Klein. You know what I'm saying? They're fucking great t-shirts, all right? And this is also a good thing, too. You know, brother, father, anything for guys, a goddamn t-shirt and a DVD. My moron comedy. They're gonna love it.

It's a perfect thing. The lovely Nia, everybody. Hello. Coming into the room. You got... I gotta sign what here? Jesus. She comes in here with a goddamn blank check. It tells me I just have to sign it. Do you understand the faith I'm putting in you right now? You know what would be hilarious is if you just cleaned me out right now

and I never saw you again. I would never do that. I would never do that. You know what you sound like? You sound like Sharon Stone right now in that basic instinct. That'll be pretty crazy to write a fucking something-something. All right. See you. Have a nice day with my money.

I'm fucking with you. Come here. That's me always taking the joke one fucking step too far. Why did you have to say that? Now people are gonna think they're not. You're fucking saint for being with me. All right. So there you go. T-shirt info. You got it. It's up there. Holidays are coming.

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That's gonna fucking get there is all I'm saying. And no, I'm not doing your Christmas party, all right? Don't be so goddamn selfish. I humiliate myself. Don't I do that every week when I read the advertising? Speaking of which... Yeah, I think it's time for a little bit of advertising, everybody. Here we go.

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Now or click the Hulu Plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com. Dammit, I was doing great and I came up the 18th fucking fairway and I shanked it. Alright, back to the podcast here. Alright, very uneventful week I feel everybody. So considering there's not a lot going on in the world of politics, what should we talk about? Oh, I don't know. Hey, let's talk about sports. Anybody watch any sports this weekend?

Were you watching things that involved sports? Was there sports watching? Alright, first things first. I have to address the no-call pass interference thing last week in the Panthers game. That was obviously a Monday night game, so I didn't comment on it. I didn't have a problem with it. I thought it was a good no-call. I didn't like that they threw the flag and then picked it up.

But how's Grant going to make a fucking play on a pass that's not even going to get to him? It's not like the guy who interfered with him or held him caught the ball. It was another guy who undercut the route. And I just feel like the rules in the NFL right now are tipped so heavily in favor of the offense. It's nice every once in a while to see the defense get a break, even if it goes against my fucking team. Okay, classic examples if you watch the Giants Cowboys game. Early in that game, I think the Cowboys were up 7-0 at that point. They forced a fumble. They recovered it.

And away from the play, there was a flag where the cornerback barely grazed this wide receiver and negated the Cowboys, you know, turnover. The defense made a play, caused a turnover. Once again, made a play, caused a fucking turnover. And in this new, the new rules, I mean, I can't complain. They are the rules, negates that, and stops them from having a short field and possibly going up 14-0 or 21-0. I can't remember what. So I did not have a problem with it. Good for the Panthers.

And I actually tweeted that I didn't have a problem with it and I got all these fucking condescending responses to it. Like, oh, it's good to see a level-headed Patriots fan. It's good to see an impartial Patriots fan. It's good to see a smart Patriots fan. Because I fucking agree with you and your team. You selfish asshole. You know, right there, that's when you know, like, you don't have a true friend. Is when they just like you because you agree with them.

And I would be willing to bet most of my fucking whatever, my shillings here, that those people who complimented me are not impartial and had the call gone. The exact same fucking thing happened to their receiver and they lost the game. They would be bitch-moning and complaining and saying how Tom Brady runs the league and all that fucking shit, alright? So before you sit there and try and pat me on the head and say that I am impartial and I'm a smart Patriots fan, that's not a fucking compliment, alright? You're a cunt, alright?

As long as I agree with you and your team and I don't agree with my team and it causes you to have a victory, then I'm smart, go fuck yourself. And with that, we get to yesterday. Yesterday's games. The New York football Giants lost. And I know a lot of people think that I hate the Giants because they beat the Patriots two times in a row in Super Bowl. I don't.

Not only do I not hate the Giants, I love the Giants. I love that organization. I've liked them for fucking ever. All the way back to Harry Cassin, Brad Van Pelt, Beasley Reese. I've been watching them forever. I've always liked the Giants. I like the uniforms. I like the defenses.

I just liked them. There's nothing better than having like, dude, when they had Lawrence Taylor and Harry Carson and you know, I was like Wilbur Marshall. I was always like Big Linebacker. Like I like the Bears. I like defenses and that type of thing. So I don't hate the Giants. What I hate is listening to Paul Versey talking about how he called something

because he doesn't just say it for that weekend. He'll say it for the next seven years. So the reason why I wanted to see the Giants lose is because I don't want to listen to Versey talking to me like he's Nostradamus. If that's how you pronounce that guy's name. So that's all. And what kills me too is that division is so bad that they're still not out of it. There are only two games out of first place.

Three from going all the way up front, which should be insurmountable after 10 fucking games. But with that division, it isn't. It isn't. All right. I don't know who's shot. I don't know who's not waiting. What are they?

Are they four and seven? Oh, so it's 11 games. Oh yeah, they're pretty much fucked. But I was, I got to tell you in the back of my head, I was kind of hoping that they were going to make it into the playoffs because playoffs, because I have a feeling just the way the Giants are, they, they would beat Seattle in Seattle. And another bunch of people would probably think that I hate the Seattle Seahawks

because I did that whole, you know, the we are the loudest song and I always make fun of Pete Carroll. I don't hate him. I don't give a fuck about the Seahawks one way or the other. I think the loudest crowd thing is silly. And it's something that you focus on when you don't have any championship banners to look at. And I stand by that. But that doesn't mean I want you to lose.

But Pete Carroll, it's just funny watching that guy lose. You know, watching a guy who goes, Whoo! When something good happens and he's totally proved himself as a coach. He's a great fucking coach. He's a great college coach. He knows how to build up the program illegally and right before all the shit hits the fan to walk away from it.

And I don't begrudge him for doing that because that's how the games play. The same way I don't begrudge Lance for doing what the fuck he did when everyone else was doing it. I don't begrudge any of that. And everybody who gives the Patriots shit for the spy gate thing is living in this fantasy fucking land that your teams do not cheat. I'm reading this great book right now and I don't have the title of it. I'll get it for you next week. Lawhead gave me the book.

Some of the last head bangers or something like that. It's like basically back when you just played with concussions and that type of shit. The level of cheating that was going on. First of all, they didn't even test for steroids I think until like 1988 in football. And if you read about the Oakland Raiders who still to this day bitch about the fucking tuck rule. The shit they were doing in the 70s. Dude, do you know like they used to have like their pads? They used to soak them in water because it would make them hard

and it was almost like having like a cast on and they would just club people in the head. And other teams knew that they were doing it. So during the pre-games and the warm-ups they would wear the soft ones and they'd have their hard ones under the bench. And there wasn't nine zillion fucking TV cameras and people in the crowd all having TV cameras with their smartphones. So when the game started they would put the other pads on. They would just clock people in the fucking head.

These guys were claiming they were taking horse tranquilizers and they were doing the dosage for a fucking 1,500-1,200 pound fucking horse. They were out of their minds, hopped up on everything on the plant. So people have cheated all day long. And the greatest thing about cheating is watching people who don't cheat discover that there's cheating and to just watch them as adults once again discover that there's no Santa Claus and seeing their bottom lip quiver. Just for the life of me, the reason why it's funny is not because I condone cheating.

It's just that I don't fucking get... I'd say how many times you gotta get fucked over to realize that how human beings are. You know? I'm a piece of shit. Right? Why wouldn't a football team, when there's a zillion dollars at stake and your legacy and your spot on the all-time list... I'm not saying everybody's gonna cheat, but just get this fucking shocked look off your face. Like when O.J. got acquitted.

Oh my god, that millionaire? The guy who had the money enough to be innocent gets declared innocent? Yes! Alright, am I fucking... am I like preaching right now? I should shut the fuck up. Oh, and then also... What was I gonna say? How unreal was that... that Patriots Broncos game?

I guess it's unreal if you're on the fucking winning side or if you didn't give a shit who won or not. Unreal. I watched that game flying. I was on Virgin Airlines. Who, by the way, they have this five-minute music video. First great is that airline is... When you get on that plane, rather than have them announced

like this is how you put on a seatbelt and a mask, which usually takes live human beings like a minute, they made like a five-minute video that tries to have all the people dancing and singing and auto-tuned voices and I gotta tell you, it is one of the most horrific things I've ever heard and it's played at such a volume. I had my fingers in my ears and I was humming

and I could still hear it. I heard it on the way out and the way... On the way back, I just gave into it and I just watched it. And... I don't... You know what really annoys the shit out of me when you dance with an attitude look on their face. Like, they think that they're fucking amazing.

I'm not saying that I don't respect the art of dancing, but what is with that look on your face? You know, like you're fucking grunkowsky and you just dragged fucking the entire secondary over the goal line. What are you doing? What, cause you did a little shim sham? Huh?

Cause you're shaking your left shoulder while you're right toes doing something else. Like now you have this look on your face. Like you're lining up across and you're reading a defense. What is the... What is with that fucking look people have on their faces when they dance? Did Fred Astaire have that look on his face?

When you're dancing, there's only one look you should have on your face. And it should convey roughly... Whee! Alright, stop looking at me like you're going to take my wallet. I just don't fucking understand. So it's five minutes of that combined

with like auto-tune and that fucking robot dancing that I... I just don't... With this fucking look of attitude and then rapping. They got some little girl. Fucking rapping, like sounding like dice

when he makes fun of women. About how to put a seatbelt on. And it goes on for like five minutes as you sit underneath these aquarium giz lights. The same ones that they have at the W Hotel. Other than that, it's great because you get to just sit there and watch TV. So anyways, when I got through the whole fucking

Put on your seatbelts and rock and roll whatever the fuck they were singing Oh, it just wouldn't fucking end. So... I actually... I was watching the Patriot... I watched all the Giants game and then I went into the Patriots game

right before we were about to make it 24-21. Got off the plane and somehow it was already 24-21 and I went by the bar and I saw a score to make it 28-24. That's alright, 24-21 and then 28-24. It was insane and then the whole way back from the airport

Verzi was texting me the updates and right as I got home I saw the replay of the punt where the guy inadvertently touched it because he didn't hear Welker tell him to get out of the way but what a fucking game. Yet another reason why you don't leave early

but I don't think that that was a definitive example of what Brady and Manning can do because I thought the elements played such a fucking role in the game but I will say this Brady is 10-4 in 14 matchups against Peyton Manning so I am done with that argument.

Alright, if you want Manning go ahead, you can have him. I will take Brady any day, all day. Brady doesn't even have that look on his face. Neither does Peyton Manning that these fucking dancers have is they're trying to tell me how to put on a fucking seatbelt.

Did people who like dance do they just get sick of getting beat up so now they feel like they have to take it on and now they have to have a game face? I was just watching it like when did Kevin Garnett start dancing? I don't understand. Oh, that's not Kevin Garnett

that's just somebody dancing. I'm so exhausted from watching that whole fucking game and traveling around I don't even know what to say. I'm not going to try to rub anybody's nose in anything. It was at the end of the day

an unbelievable win and just a regular season fucking victory and but it was definitely if you watch that game and you still leave games earlier you're not a sport you leave the game early you're not a fucking sports fan.

I just was watching people clear out I understood because it was fucking freezing and you're down 24-nothing I understand if you're down 24-nothing at the half and it's fucking like absolutely freezing disgusting and you're with your little boy

or your girl and they're cold they want to go back to the car I get that, alright? But if you're a fucking man and you're standing there in the fucking stands for the love of God alright?

The offensive linemen can be out there in short sleeve shorts you know you can't tough it out in your mighty Mac with your fucking mittens and they leave and they watch one of the historical comebacks in New England sports

title town it's just an unbelievable run every time you think you've seen the last great thing that's going to happen and then it's going to go back to the way it was another great thing happened so I feel very blessed as a sports fan

so there you go there you go great fucking game and this is the thing too I don't think as much as that was a big win that doesn't mean shit when the playoffs come because we're going to have to go into Denver

and at the end of the day to use that overly used expression Denver could come back and beat us in January and then who gives a fuck that we beat him in November despite the fact that it was an unbelievable victory I mean shit

that happened with the Jets we absolutely raped the Jets in December and then a month later we lost to them at home so who gives a fuck they're both great quarterbacks and they're both great teams and who gives a fuck it was an amazing goddamn game

I can't believe we came back and won it and I'm done arguing the Brady Manning thing I think the numbers speak for themselves as far as the way I look at the numbers and I think they both played each other enough times with all different kinds of teams loaded teams

patched together teams like our fucking defense last night I'm so fucking sick of them too talking about how many injuries we have on defense and then they go and like they absolutely just ran right through the guts of that Patriots defense it's like the one where the guts were already ripped out

there's no guts left in it well there are because we won the game I'm not saying that people are out there but we started four rookies yesterday you're gonna have a guy as good as fucking no Sean running the ball yeah he's gonna rack up some fucking yards

although over 200 is inexcusable so whatever alright let's get on to the questions this week see I think I handled that really well I hope you know I don't rub your fucking noses in it unless you're Jets fans alright

response to last podcast or Yankee fans response to last podcast this is in response to the item mentioned on your last podcast the brother that had the 16 year old sister who was dating a 22 year old okay all capital letters

this guy writes the brother needs to stay out of it alright so for those of you who didn't listen last week there was a guy who's 16 year old sister was dating this 22 year old dude and he was questioning do I knock this guy the fuck out do I say something to my sister

do I somehow get my parents to wake the fuck up what do I do alright I gave my advice and this guy is saying he seems like he's speaking from experience or this woman who ever wrote this the brother needs to stay out of it I met

oh it's a lady I met my now husband when I was 15 and he was 20 well you little fast tramp you couldn't even drive a car how did you even meet a 20 year old huh oh you standing on the street corner

ba ba da da ba ba da da da wa ba doo ba ba doo I'm sure you're a nice person ba da da da da da ba ba da da sorry

um you were 15 and he was 20 did your plane crash and he was stuck on an island and it was like that blue lagoon or some shit he said we started dating just after I turned 16 and we got married when I was 20

and he was 25 we have now been happily married almost 25 years oh that's a nice story it may not work out this way for this guy's sister but it also might work out too and end up being a stronger relationship than any relationship this guy might have

it's none of the brother's business stay out of it okay miss I respect your point of view and what happened to you alright but let me ask you this if you have a daughter

and she turns 16 and some 22 year old guy starts sniffing around the house are you gonna just sit there and be like well my husband was 20 and I was 15 you know I gotta be honest with you the difference between 20 and 15 a 15 year old is a fucking

I can't quite say a child but there is a massive age difference forget about the legality of it in most states other than Mississippi sorry fucking with you guys 22 to 16 I mean you're talking about somebody who's in the middle of high school

dating somebody who's graduated college that I don't know I don't know about that alright look can you at least understand why this guy is that upset

and have you ever watched to catch a predator I mean there's not like there's not like evidently a zillion fucking creeps out there how many seasons of to catch a predator did they do I mean you would think like the amount of people out there that are going online trying to meet underage women you wouldn't think that I mean I would like to think

that there's maybe 40 people doing that but there isn't there's a bunch hundreds of thousands of fucking creeps out there doing that shit so this guy is supposed to stay out of it and roll the dice that maybe this guy is a good guy like your husband well all I can say is I hope that you're right you've had fortunately you've had more experiences

in this than I have because I would not want to have experience in any shape or form in this and I don't think my family would stay out of it there would be major fucking problems there would be major fucking problems there would be it's like dude you're 22 what the fuck is wrong with you how did you even meet my sister

you know how are you how are you meeting 16 year olds you fucking creep you know what maybe I'm ignorant here why don't you write back again I want to hear the story how you guys met you know was he teaching you how to add and subtract sorry the jokes are just too easy alright Thanksgiving Day special

Billy Crocker there's a new one Betty Crocker Billy Crocker I like that and I like to cook oh that's a good one love your intensity when it comes to bringing something to the table on Thanksgiving absolutely no pun intended it's it's really a no-brainer get good at making something and get to a point

where you're automatic oh he's talking about yeah like I was talking about a few weeks ago when Thanksgiving comes around you got to have that dish that you just fucking can make and you throw down and you take it to another level alright everybody else should be doing the same thing and then the end that's the Thanksgiving meal so this guy goes yeah you should get a dish down to where you're automatic how hard can it be

you'll never been you'll never been you've never been expected to step out of your skill set if you're baking breads no one will ever expect you to bring the cranberry sauce what's your go-to this year what's Nia's specialty what's my go-to this year how about the whole fucking meal dude I'll tell you right now you guys think I'm a fucking one trick pony

I can make you a turkey dinner with stuffing mashed potatoes my gravy game is getting better I got to work on my gravy game and I know that's crucial alright but my fucking uh my mashed potatoes not a fucking lump in them alright enough butter to make you slide off the chair

um as they say in New Orleans that's a bad New Orleans accent I admit it my stuffing go fuck yourself alright dude you don't understand the recipes that I have access to all of my recipes start with melt a stick of butter and a third a cup of Crisco in a pan

okay so you know it's delicious um yeah my stuffing um I don't know my mashed potatoes are the shit but Nia's African-American so she likes more sweet potatoes so I don't think they uh that side respects mashed potatoes

the way they should okay I feel like my potato my my my united colors of Benetton whatever the fuck it is respect for sweet potatoes and mashed potatoes I think I'm a little more mature than the lovely Nia um what's Nia's specialty

um Nia's she's just great at everything she's one of those people that I I'll be out in the kitchen like there's nothing to eat what the fuck I'm starving and she'll be like what do you mean there's nothing to eat she comes out there and she knows you got a couple things under her arms and I don't know

I'm eating spaghetti or I don't know what the fuck I'm eating she somehow just throws it all together or makes some ridiculous omelet um she's actually a true cook I'm a little more robotic I'm um I think I'm gonna become a great cook

or a better cook the way I became a better comedian where at first I was a joke writer and I was trapped in my act and then I learned how to improv and she's kind of just watching her she kind of as she cooks she's tasting it and doing all that type of stuff where I just they said to leave it in 15 minutes it's been 15 minutes

and I take it out um um pies I kind of got the whole thing to do from start to finish my uh my appetizer game is terrible in fact I don't even know if I know how to make one

I have no idea but dude I can make a pie from fucking scratch okay I can look at you and tell you what all your fucking problems are as I'm making the pie crust and not even look down once I can just feel the texture you know what I'm saying that's how many fucking pies I've made

alright and I'll take that pie someday and I'll bring it to your fucking house alright and I'll take a whole hunk of it just and I'll just shove it right down your throat and there's nothing that you're going to be able to say other than thank you for that experience alright as I'm shaking up the can of whipped cream

to give you a facial you know what's funny about this my attitude like cooking is the same as like those dancers with their stupid looks on their faces take that fucking look off of your goddamn face unless you just dunked on somebody

unless you have a loaded fucking pistol pointed at my face you take that fucking look off of your goddamn grill as you're fucking moon walking across the stage like I'm in awe of you I'm not saying it's not a great skill to have

but what you're doing versus the look the look on your face is so far down the fucking street compared to what the fuck you're doing what is that all the way back to those Janet Jackson videos I miss you much I miss you much

and she'd have this fucking look on her face and she's putting her fingers in and she's hopping around and it was amazing visually it was amazing to look at but why do you have that fucking look on your face why are you all dressed in these army uniforms like you're fighting

in a war alright get back to the way it was alright everybody 5, 6, 7, 8 Janiel you know I just realized that Shamil Shamazel were Yiddish words I never knew what it was I thought it was Jewish

guys that ran the beer company that they worked for and I know I'm not pronouncing them correct Shamil is the kind of guy who I guess spills a drink and is I can't say unless I sing the song Shamil Shamazel

is the guy he spills it on how funny is that did I ever tell you guys how much I love Yiddish words I actually just looked up a bunch because I wanted to learn some more because they're fucking hilarious and they're fun to say and I really like Jewish humor but I actually looked up

and it was like I already knew 90% of them there was so many that I was using and I didn't even realize did I already talk about this or did I start to talk about I don't give a fuck it's the holiday week you guys got a short week how psyched are you this is the work week that we were supposed to have

remember remember the Jetsons maybe oh god these 3 day work weeks are murder alright the Yiddish Handbook 40 words you should know um alright

there's so many that I use nerve extreme arrogance oh I've been using that wrong I thought that meant you had like oh hutzpahs to get up and go oh that's funny like shut the fuck up I don't need your arrogance a glitch

is the Yiddish word kibitz klutz kosher obviously um nosh is to nibble shlep I never knew there is

shlameel is a clumsy inept person similar to a klutz the kind of person who always spills his soup I know I'm butchering these sorry Jewish people shlemazel is someone who

with constant bad luck when the shlameel spills his soup he probably spills it on the shlemazel that's fucking I'm sorry I know I fucking schmaltzy schmooze schmuck

we all use these words schtick I had no idea I had no fucking idea that these were all these were all Yiddish words you know what's a fucking great Yiddish word to for your dick schmechel

isn't that fucking perfect what it is you can just hear the trouble you're gonna get into with it what happened ah my fucking schmechel did it again god damn it um alright here we go let's let's move on here oh you know what I gotta do some more

advertisers so I don't read these too late in the podcast so they don't fucking bitch moan and complain alright here we go here we go oh there's only one more for this week look at this short week short list of uh advertisers alright e-voice everybody the uh the holidays are coming

the holiday season scooby doo be doo and business and as a business owner you know what that means crickets alright who's coming into your business as they're hanging up all the holiday cheer face it the next couple of months

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there you go that's the deal that's the advertising for this week and now we're back to the back to the letters um holiday friend billio billio billio

uh I've been seeing this girl for about a month and a half hand full of dinners and some sex very nice you like to eat you like to fuck who doesn't like doing that this guy's over here like what do you want from me she's super cool but I'm emotionally

unavailable oh you son of a get a bad father bad parents what happened huh you get thrown in a burlap sack beaten with a reed like fucking Dr. Evil what happened to you um he said I got too much stuff

going on with work to be thinking about a relationship however I'm enjoying this casual situation she seems to be happy as well oh Jesus dude you're gonna break her heart man women don't look at this this shit the way we do she seems happy as well because she's probably

thinking it's going somewhere is what I'm guessing uh and then one day you'll be like yeah you know I'm not feeling it and then she's gonna start crying and it'll be like what the fuck I thought we were just fucking and then she that's all you thought this was it's all I was seeing this whole time

we went out we got ice cream you know what it's like just picture Seinfeld crying that's what you're gonna hear why would you do that um however I'm enjoying the casual situation she seems to be happy as well so what do I

what do I get her for Christmas that doesn't make it look like I've made room for her toothbrush dude you shouldn't get her anything for Christmas don't get her fucking thing for Christmas don't fuck her until after Christmas why are you filling up her heart with hope don't do

this I've done this you're gonna hurt her he goes I was thinking about some small things a book and maybe a sweatshirt from this place on the beach that she likes oh well isn't that thoughtful dude get her a pack of Fig Newton's like share her a package of those

let her know where you stand he said p.s. the last gift I bought a girl was a few years back we've been dating for three years and she cheated on me oh we had been dating for three years and she cheated on me I found out over Thanksgiving and when it came time to

give Christmas presents I handed her a frame with a poem the first part of the poem was super sweet she was getting emotional then she got to the last line which read after these words your heart should feel heated but instead

I'm gonna peace because bitch you cheated holy shit wait a minute is that a true story I don't even care if you made it up you have to write back I want to hear what happened what the fuck did she say

Jesus Christ dude that's like I'd expect like a that's like that's really deep man that's really clever that's really intelligent that's the kind of thing a woman would do you know we're usually just knees and elbows like

you know just start screaming at them seeing you know you're in a full Nelson by some other fucking jerk off dragging you away and you're in the right that's really that's really amazing I would say I would say this

oh wait this is my podcast person texting me right now trying to call me right now he's getting on a plane so that's why this podcast is late and also I had to do this radio tour go fuck yourselves it's the holiday week I'm sitting here my slip is whatever your thoughts

um my thoughts are you're really going to hurt this woman because I feel like you haven't had a conversation with her you said you said however I'm enjoying this casual situation and you said she seems to be happy as well so that indicates to me that you guys haven't talked

sat down and talked this out and I can guarantee you if this woman is anything like the women that I've dated it's already too late alright um she might be happy thinking like oh wow he's taking it slow he's really getting

to know me you know he got me a sweatshirt from this place on the beach that I like he's paying attention to me he is noticing things about me you know what it is dude you are actually a relationship guy

but this other woman ruined you and you got to get that hate out of your heart or the defensiveness out of your heart before you should be messing around with something like that like right now what you should be doing is just going out and just

I don't know working on yourself while fucking everything that moves or maybe not you shouldn't be going like don't hurt this I don't know what's going on because this is still very vague but don't hurt this woman because that last one hurt you I've made that mistake

it's bad dude and I I'm not judging you for being in that situation because you're a guy and you shouldn't understand them but now that I understand them a little bit more uh you know you're headed for a fucking

if I had to guess you're headed for a rough Christmas or shortly after Christmas you know when she goes you want to meet my parents that I can wear this sweatshirt that you got me from the place on the beach that you like you know and she'll bring that up right after she just blew you

and you're Saturn and you'd be like yeah you know I was going to watch the holiday bowl instead with some buddies of mine I was going to watch the outback steakhouse fucking bowl and then she'd be like well wait a minute like why

well I I don't understand and then you'd be like and then you're going to be starting to sense like well what do you mean you don't understand you to meet my parents and you like you don't want to meet them these I mean I'm a little offended

I mean these are these are my parents ah ah ah jaw starts hanging down you can't even understand what she's saying ah ah and you're like and then she starts crying and then if you're like most guys you get mad

because you're uncomfortable oh you're going to fucking cry now and then I would be crying and you would say something who are you who are you okay let me out of the car let me out of the car

and she fucking rolls into a snow drift I'm telling you dude you know you don't want to go down this road I got a bad feeling I got a bad feeling about this one man um just make sure that she's enjoying this the same way you are

who wouldn't like to be with the super cool girl that you don't have to fucking be emotionally involved with who's coming over and banging you and let me tell you something dude this is not 100% on you so don't feel guilty because she also hasn't sat down and had the conversation maybe she has her baggage

maybe she sat down and said that to some other guy and it scared her away and she said okay not to stop did I bring up is this guy I said I suck at that guy I hope that he loves you too oh dear illiterate cunt

I'm not illiterate I just not good at reading out loud it doesn't make me illiterate I can still read the words didn't that just sound like somebody illiterate I'm smart Fredo alright I'm a young guy oh my god some 21 year old kid just called me

an illiterate cunt and you know what I got to take that on the chin I got to sit here at my locker at the end of the reading game I take full responsibility for that loss I got no one to blame myself I'm a young guy 21 and I have kind of

and I kind of have a thing for a chick who works at my local coffee shop please tell me she's not 16 I don't want to read another one of these the idea of chatting her up while she's working always seems weird to me mainly because I know she has to listen just give me some quick tips so I don't come off

weirdo love the podcast and thanks dude are you fucking kidding me this is the perfect situation alright oh she works at the local coffee shop oh I thought you worked with her fuck that's the perfect situation if you work with somebody

that you're into as far as being able to talk to them it's not weird at all and you can make them laugh and that type of thing then they get into you but then the bad thing is then you start fucking somebody you're working with and you got a pretty good chance that you're not going to make the playoffs with that one

and you're going to have to rebuild and it's going to be ugly and you're going to lose your fan base and the fan base will be the other chicks that work that you probably should have been fucking instead of that whore but anyways so you're walking into this coffee shop and there's a girl there working there

that you like and you don't want to start because it's going to seem weird but the good thing about that is to try to do it in line is you're really dealing with a a short period

it's like a vine you're going to try to hit on her in the span that it takes to watch a vine you like that reference? trying to be hip to the dubstep fucking generation is dubstep already over? have you moved on to something else? the approximation

um that fucking look on your goddamn face alright, I can break you in half like a pencil and you stop looking at me like you can kick the shit out of me while you're dancing maybe that's what it is, it's just the funny

something funny about it attitude dancing can you guys send me some clips to some of the funniest attitude dancing you can find put some together right, there you go you know what I love is when you guys take clips from my podcast and then you play the audio underneath

like some of the the animation that people have done is it's fucking so creative like that one one that guy did the one for when I sang that song do you know what it means to miss New Orleans that's where my baby goes and the guy did the whole

animation of it and I was talking about somebody throwing up and when the word throw up came in it looked like it was launched out of somebody's mouth like it arced its way in really creative so how about as I'm talking about these people dancing

just have, just put come on, you guys, all you fucking youngsters you know how to use computers just put the audio underneath and just have that kind of dancing over the top, like that's the video I don't know how to say it technically anyways so let's get back to this thing what I gotta do

is uh I would, you gotta drink your coffee there does she come around this is so hard how do I give you advice, all I can give you I can't tell you what to say because I never know what to say until I'm there in the moment and something pops in

unless she's really good looking and then at that age I would just get fucking intimidated and be like I'm just gonna sit here eat my brand muffin um what would you do, I don't know do you got something coming up that you can invite her to this is what I would do

I would come there frequently enough that she starts to recognize you and then ease your way into kinda knowing her I guess I would do that and then you have something if you gotta fucking, whatever you kids do nowadays you know if there's a big ecstasy shipment coming to town and you're gonna meet the truck there

with your glow sticks and you got an extra pair of glow sticks that you can hand to her um maybe you could do that something where I'm just flailing here dude don't fucking ask me, coffee shop I never picked up any girl that worked at a fucking coffee shop

I was good on the subway in New York but that was cause they would always be some weirdo doing something weird and then you could just lock in with the other person you know like look at this fucking maniac and then you could make something say something funny about that you'd make them laugh and then you were in

that, the gym coffee shops, that's out of my wheelhouse so I would just say go there enough where she starts to recognize you try to extend the conversation each time you order and then blah blah blah but the thing is you can't keep coming in there cause you're really gonna look like a creep

so I would say within three visits, give yourself three visits on the third visit you just gotta fucking ask her you know if she's seen anybody and have something to invite her to that's gonna be a fun thing don't just be like, I just wanna take you out

sometime and maybe I could pull it out and you could just look at it, you don't have to touch it don't do it like that, have something to to an event ladies like the events and I don't know what they're into at your age but um I don't know

the first time is too weird, you gotta have an unreal game that I don't have so I can't give you advice second time she's getting to know you and the third time you go for it right swing for the fucking fence just say look cutie pie

I don't work here alright so I know this is what am I supposed to do, I'm attracted to you alright fuck sakes put down the goddamn coffee and come to me to the burning man thing

I got plenty of sunscreen and ecstasy and uh you know and it's not a sex thing I mean I would hope it would eventually turn into it but more like a lovingly thing like the kind of thing where I wouldn't tell my friends what we did because I care for your kind of thing you know

maybe we lay in the dirt and roll around next to that thing that's on fire right I have no coffee shop game hey anybody out there have coffee shop game I don't drink coffee, that's the thing alright

it's fucking gross, it tastes like dirty water and it burns my mouth so I don't fuck with it and that just takes all that coffee shop pussy right out the fucking window they always just seem like the coffee shop people to me always seem like hipsters like they just were over everything

you know so if you're over everything you're over everything the fucking Grand Canyon you're over that my dumb ass is coming in there that lack of pigment alright the mall Billie Holiday

very nice, I am going on all the day I'm going to Italy, I'm going to miss Thanksgiving what's your plan of attack when you enter a mall are you on a mission or are you a window shopper do you have a favorite gift you've ever been given

and what's your go-to mall food Panda Express Sparrow Pizza Sparrow Pizza sucks it always looks good, I'll tell you but it really fills you up I usually go with the chicken parmesan that one a little skinny

then I get on the plane and I start farting into that fucking floatation device beneath me or perhaps a fancy sandwich from Au Bon Paul there's nothing fancy about that other than the fucking name Au Bon Pan if you're still living in the 90's always making fun of the place

gobble gobble go fuck yourself alright my plan of attack when I enter a mall I only go to a mall when I need something that's it and I know what I want and I know where it is and I go in there and when it's not there I'm like what the fuck and then I leave

I do not window shop at malls I hate malls it's just all those fucking people and it just makes me they're just depressing when I was younger it was great you walked around there was all these

I was like what you did you go to the mall and then you ran into girls that you were in your grade and they'd be like hi Bill and I'd be like hi how are you and then I'd walk away and my face all red and then I was like whoa why didn't I say something I hate myself

and then where would I sit down and eat I don't like Panda Express Taco Bell no fast food Mexican food why don't you just play Russian roulette Taco Bell is Russian roulette for your ass Sparrow

pizza same fucking thing where would I go well if I had to choose small ones I'd go to Sparrow it's usually some barbecue thing I don't know you know what I hate is when they'd have that little sweet and sour chicken on the toothpicks and then that overly smiling Asian woman

would come over and ask you if you wanted one and it's just like didn't you like poison the toys I don't want to eat that right how Archie Bunker was that I just don't like it just fucking creeps me out that you're walking around with food like where was that where did you get that

you know you're on this side of the counter like on that side I already know there's enough health code violations at Sparrow pizza Taco Bell and Panda Express enough rat turds in that shit that you know I should run out of here right now but now you're on this side where people are sneezing you're on this side of the sneeze glass

walking around with that shit you don't even have it covered stuck with a little fucking toothpick and then you got that other thing over there where people stick their used toothpicks where you get that fucking glazed chicken out of my face there smiley beat it

yeah I'm too old to eat at those places when I was younger I ate at Mickey D's I ate McDonald's I was a McDonald's guy Kentucky fried chicken cold I could never eat it hot that grease when it's hot makes me sick to my stomach when it's cold it's fucking ecstasy and I would melt into the rug

into the rug like I was in train spotting I'd like friendlies back in the day get myself a nice burger melt and a fucking Jim dandy nice 3000 calories to the fucking hot and then I'd walk out of there and go play Frisbee football

because that's what she did back then with my fucking white socks yanked up underneath my patella Ken patella alright that's the podcast for this week people I don't know what to tell you alright I hope you guys have a wonderful Thanksgiving my European tour is about to start

I'm going over to Italy speaking of going to like the first bowl ever I'm going to go to the Coliseum so if you're in Italy and you're going to be over there look for me in the Coliseum it hasn't even hit me yet then I'm going to be

I actually we land in Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris and then we we fly over to Italy and it's an unbelievable it's something to give thanks for it's an unbelievable privilege that enough people come out to see me

that I can take the lovely Nia with me over to to Italy and so thank you to everybody who's come out to my shows this year and all the years past and I'm really looking forward to giving everybody their money's worth over in Europe because I plan on doing this

for the rest of my career doing stand up and traveling over to Europe and I'm going to tour Australia next year and Canada the Canada one's going down in March and we're working on those dates right now and I just plan to keep on expanding it

I'm hoping to also do New Zealand and I know there's a gig in India I mean why the fuck wouldn't I go I want to go over there and see what that's like right Tokyo and all those places I plan on you know you only go around fucking once

and I really believe that when you're dead you don't go anywhere like you just go in the fucking ground and you make the soil rich for other living things so if you got a comedy club I'm fucking going to try to hit it

before I die something I want to see the Great Wall of China I want to see all of that shit why the fuck wouldn't ya you know something somebody came up to me from Saudi Arabia and gave me some currency it was really fucking cool it said 50 on it I'm like dude you giving me 50 bucks

yeah it's like worth 15 over here like it's still 15 bucks so I'm really into all of that stuff so I'm hoping to see as much as I can and I couldn't do it without you guys coming out to my show so there you go there's a warm fuzzy ending

me giving thanks on the week of Thanksgiving and that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves for people in Los Angeles if you haven't heard I'm doing a New Year's Eve gig at the Wiltern Theatre the entire Rose Bowl Tailgate Syndicate

myself Joe Bartnick, Jason Lawhead and Andrew Thamelis we're all going to be we're all going to be telling jokes that night and it's going to be phenomenal and there's not a lot of tickets left it's going to be a great fucking show

come on down bring in the new year with us and that's it okay now this is the official end go fuck yourselves have a great Thanksgiving and I'll talk to you next week from Italy I think I'll be in Italy maybe I'll be in London at that point I don't know alright that's it fuck you