Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-25-19

Episode Date: November 25, 2019

Bill rambles about the greatness of Thanksgiving, Ukraine, and dealing with animals in the family.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burn. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 25th, 2019. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? Oh my God, it's fucking Thanksgiving week. Isn't that great? How exciting is Thanksgiving week? One of the greatest week of the year, provided you're not homeless, out in the street, without any loved ones. You know, if you actually have, if you've built some sort of life for yourself, okay, and you've been lucky, this is the best fucking week. It's the best week, right? Nobody's working this week. Nobody, you know, is working people in other countries. They're all working. They don't have Thanksgiving. And I'll tell you right now, that's why that's why there's

all this hatred of America. You know, they're all jealous. They're all jealous of that fucking week we have in November, when you only have to go to work for three fucking days. That's why they're always nitpicking. Oh, everybody has a machine gun. Oh, oh, you can't go to the mall anymore. Yeah. It's called the balance of life. All right, you get a three day week. Every fucking Thanksgiving, I mean, every fucking November, something has to give. All right. You can't have your cake and eat it, other countries. Why don't you guys quit nitpicking on us? You know, as we defend the world and bring freedom to everybody, you just sit there and nitpick. All right, we make better movies than you. You love our clothes. And when it

really comes down to it, when it really comes down to it, you want to be fat, driving a fucking convertible on your way to some greasy spoon, because you only got a three day fucking work week, you know? And then we have an entire fucking day that just celebrates overeating. You understand that other countries? I got you all jealous. Now, don't I? There's no other thing. Lord, what are they? What do they do in Germany? How they got October Fest, which is in September for all you tourists. Don't try to go there in October. It's fucking October. It's celebrating the coming October when they would have the fucking harvest. That's actually, you know what? I got to give it up to Germany. That doesn't get said a

lot, huh? I wonder if that was said a lot on podcasts before World War Two. You know, you got to give it up to Germany. No, because they already had World War One. All right. Germany and like fucking 1910, you got to give it up to those Germans. I'll tell you, they're on to something with that iron horse. You got to give it up to the Germans. That's a fucking great holiday. They make great beer. You bust your ass all year, growing, you know, with your brat farm, your fucking Wienerschnitzel, you know, you're bringing it into fucking harvest, you're pulling it out of the ground, wherever Wienerschnitzel comes from. What animal is that? Huh? God, I don't know what the fuck it is, right? Is it a Heverageage

bread fucking pig? Cause I'll eat one of those motherfuckers. Um, and when they were done right before they were going to operate heavy machinery to cut down all of this fucking food, right? What would they do? They would go out and get absolutely shitfaced. They dress like they were coming out of a fucking cuckoo clock and they would get absolutely fucking hammered, puke all over their colorful socks and on their bare knees, right? Do some dance, you know, with their fucking wooden clogs. I know that's the fucking Netherlands. I don't give a shit, right? And then they, and then the next day they'd be all fucking hung over, hammered, fucking hammered, probably still drunk and get on a goddamn Porsche combine.

So I will give it up to the, I know in Iceland you got the northern lights, you know, I know you got the, but you don't, you don't have Thanksgiving, right? Cause Thanksgiving happens on a Thursday, which means everybody's getting a four day fucking weekend, right? And everybody eats their fucking asses off. Cause you know what? You need a lot of energy if you're going to survive getting trampled at a fucking Walmart on black Friday. All right. It's a great fucking week. All right. Thursday, celebrating, eating with the Native Americans before we slaughtered them. And then black Friday, where we watch oppressed people in this country that have been buried by the selfishness of those on top, trample one another to get a

VCR slash DVD recorder that has been cut by 80%. Okay. And rather than white people taking responsibility for putting those people in that economic position, who do they blame? Black Friday, right? And then once we get that out of the way, then on Saturday you have all the rivalry football games. England, how jealous are you right now? What are you going to do, huh? Watch all those fucking jerks off, run around kicking stuff with their feet. Come on. Do you really like it? Aren't you jealous? We get to watch rivalry fucking Saturday. You got the fucking, you got Alabama versus Auburn, Ohio State versus Michigan, USA versus UCLA. All right. And on and on and on and on and on.

It's going to be tremendous. It's going to, I can't fucking wait for this week, you know, and I'm going to wear a fucking stupid itchy sweater. I'm going to cook my ass off. I'm going to make some pies. I'm going to ride on my bike, why my daughter rides a tricycle round and round and round and enjoy my four day weekend. My God given right as a fucking overeating American. All right. And I welcome all you fucking people just like the Statue of Liberty come over here and participate as long as you can get over that wall that we're building. Come on over. Bring a plate. Do you know what? On Wednesday, I will have my new record for not boozing since I started boozing way back in 1985, you know, when the jeans were stonewashed, your hair was blown out

and there was no such thing as alcohol. I think Alcoholics Anonymous or the Betty Ford Clinic, I think was only about 10 years old, going to rehab. There's only a couple of self-help books. Half the cars still drove on leaded gas. That's actually not true. 368 days. And I think it's kind of apropos. Am I using that correctly? Probably not. Yeah. That I could set the record and simultaneously still get absolutely blind drunk and make a fool of myself the next day, you know, because part of me doesn't want to put this record out of reach because I know eventually I'm going to go back to boozing. I think I am. I don't know. I'm not going to lie to you. I miss it. You know,

oh, speaking of that, how funny is it that I'm missing alcohol the way you're missing that chick you had a crush on back in high school and you're going down to the local bar on Wednesday, right before Thanksgiving, hoping that she's going to show up and you should go down there and you should walk right up to her and tell her how you feel. You know, that's one of the great fucking times in your life because I'll tell you someday you're going to find love and you're going to be 51 years old, stone fucking sober and it's going to be the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and that person you're thinking about, you married her, right? So instead of thinking about her, what are you, what are you doing? Your selfish redheaded bald prick. You're downstairs thinking about a

bottle of bourbon. Oh my God. Let me take that bourbon over that fucking ice. Oh, Jesus. See, that's why I can't go back because I swear to God, I would, I could drink about 16 of those right now. I could drink 16 of those and would actually have the audacity to defend myself when my wife asked me what in the fuck I thought I was doing. I would be like, what are you talking about? This is my 16th drink of the year. How many of you had? Yeah, yeah, didn't think so. That's right, Turner. Oh, you're crying? You're crying what because you're so in awe of what the fuck I've done? Yeah, that's why I can't do it. I'm either on or off. That's it. That's it. And when you're wired the way that I'm wired, you have to, we have to watch what it is that you're

going to, you're going to point the fucking canoe at. All right. So anyway, we're actually, you know, most everybody's out of town this Thanksgiving. So the thing about Turkey, so it's fucking stupid birds. They're so goddamn big and goofy. You can't make one for just three people. You know what I mean? I got to Google that. Can three people eat a whole turkey without dying? I think it actually you fall asleep before you kill yourself. So I think I'm just going to make a chicken. I can't, I can't fucking do that. Ah, maybe I will. I don't know. I'm going to make all the other dishes. I'm going to make, you know what? I need a new pumpkin pie recipe. The one for my family tree is it's a little bland.

I would just like a little more, a little more fucking zip. Has anybody got a good recipe? They could say, I don't want your family recipe either. I'm not trying to cause fucking problems. All right. Just send me a good link to, well, let me throw it to the fuck. I got a goddamn computer. I got a computer right fucking here right now. Hey, there's no tomorrow. All right. Wait a second. What do we got here? Spicy pumpkin pie. By the way, thank you to everybody that came down to Lago on Thursday night. And you got to see Joe Bartnick, Adam Bardhard fucking destroy in front of me. Nashville's hot pumpkin pie is spicier and better than your aunt's hot takes at Thanksgiving. All right. Well, you got a fucking recipe.

Oh, would you look at that? It's got a fucking cream top the fuck out of here. I'm making that. I'm making that. I'm making that. Fuck that. I'm making that thing. All right. All right. Okay. It's one of the gayer moments I had, huh? Singing, I'm coming out by singing about the pie that I'm going to make. Well, maybe I'm comfortable with my sexuality. Joe Bartnick and Adam Barnhardt absolutely fucking destroyed in front of me. They could not have been more different, but they were the same in that they went up there and they talked about exactly what the fuck they wanted to talk about. It was one of my favorite standup shows that I've done in a long, long, long fucking time. And I

had worked with Adam in a minute and he used to run this fucking room way back in the day, way back in the day at this was this building called, I was called the 360 room because I was asking what the fuck was that room was the late nineties and it was like on sunset and vine. I want to say it's the CNN building now, but it was just this rundown fucking building and that was a shady part of sunset back in the day. Basically, once you went past, I don't know, I would say Highland, maybe Highland, Kawanga Gower, it's it got it got real shady, real fucking quick Hollywood Boulevard sunset. There wasn't a lot of shit going on at night. And it was I for my money, that was an act that was a true alternative comedy room where by 1998, 99 alternative comedy had

exploded. And sorry, wedding ring, they hit the microphone. The, all right, I tell you guys, I thought I lost my fucking wedding ring. I thought I thought I fucking lost it swimming at the goddamn gym. And, you know, I tore apart the filter system as much as they would let me live in fucking here, like Jesus Christ, my wife was actually cool about it, you know, go out and get another one. It's like, yeah, but it's not the one you gave me on the fucking day. Turned out it was in the pocket of my sweatpants. I took it off because I was putting lotion on and I hate fucking when the lotion gets underneath the ring, it just skieves me out. So I just took it off and put in the pocket and I forget that I put the fucking sweatpants in my goddamn dresser. And I

didn't wear them for like three days. And I finally fucking got them back on. I found it again. So now I don't take it off anymore. That's it. It's on forever. But anyway, he used to yeah, the alternative comedy scene. I remember way back in the day, whatever that fucking room was that was right across from Cantor's on Fairfax. I mean, it just had some of the best comics I'd ever seen. That was where the alt scene was. And then before it fizzled out. And like all scenes, I mean, it was like the club scene had fizzled out. So that created the alt scene and then the alt scene peaked and then that fizzled out and now it's back to the clubs and eventually the clubs will fizzle out and then it just goes back and forth. But at that point, all the industry was going.

I used to see on like one night, I would see like Mitch Hedberg. One night I saw Mitch Hedberg, Margaret Cho, Bob Odenkirk. Who else did I see? I mean, it was just like that level. Dana Gould just fucking murdering, murdering. Everybody so different, so fucking original. It was really incredible time. But at that point, like it was already mainstream, because all the industry was there and people were getting deals and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But this dude, Adam, used to have this fucking room called the 360. And that only I think comics kind of knew about. And this comedian, Cynthia, took me over there. Cynthia Levin took me over there. And that was the first time I saw him on stage. And I was just like, who the fuck is this guy? Absolutely fucking

hilarious, totally unique. So it was so much fun to work with him and Bartnick and Bartnick's, you know, going to try to do a special with him. And so he's been right in his ass off and he just had just, you know, Bartnick's just fucking overhand right followed by an overhand left, absolutely fucking destroyed. And I had a few friends that came out there who had seen Joe before just like, man, that guy is just fucking killing. So I was very excited about that. And then of course, because they did what they did, you know, now I got to go up and fucking push myself a little bit more was just everything that is great about doing stand up. And I did like a little over an hour and still had like another 15 minutes in the tank. And I was so fucking excited

because I'm going to be torn pretty extensively next year. Speaking of which, my first gig of next year, I'm playing the Orpheum Theater in Memphis, Tennessee. And I just happened the other night I was on YouTube. And I was watching some Stevie Ray Vaughan clips. If you ever want to get inspired to be better at whatever it is that you do, watch some of that guy. And there was this clip I had never seen and he was playing live. It was that time when he had the big feather coming out of his hat. So it was right around the soul. I think that was like the soul to soul sorta. And when they put out the live album, we had the feather coming out. And also I think it was the height of him struggling with his sobriety. Oh my God, does he fucking murder? And I was just

watching him. And this was this beautiful theater. You know, Chris Leighton on drums, he had this really cool. Tom a kid, he had two racked Tom's when he had him just to the side, but it's still like a four piece setup. So he just put that the first one a little bit further over towards the hi hat, Tommy Shannon with this really cool bass, Reese on keys, and they were just fucking killing. And I was, you know, about half hour and I was like, man, I wonder what this theater is. I wonder if it's still around or whatever. And I looked it up. God damn it. The Orpheum Theater in Memphis, Tennessee. So I was like, Holy shit, I'm gonna be on the same stage as that as those guys, which is going to be incredible. And then I started to look up, you know, who else has played

there? I really couldn't find much other than their schedule now. I couldn't really find anything about the history of who's played there. But I found this really interesting guy who was, I think he still works. They was talking about how it was fucking haunted. They always say they're haunted. He was telling all these fucking stories about some little girl that got like, got hit by a, I don't know, like a horse and carriage or some way back in the day. I don't know what. And then they brought her into there and she died and that was really tragic. And then they said, of course, you fucking haunts the place. So I don't know, I cannot, I can't wait for that fucking gig. I really can't wait. So not that I'm not going to enjoy my three day work week here,

as an American drinking Wednesday night, I'll be smoking a cigar, right? Over-eating Thursday, watching poor, underprivileged people who never had a fucking chance trample each other at some of the biggest department stores in this country. Rivalry, Saturday, all the great football games. I mean, come on, England, what do you got? I want to hear from around the world. I'm talking shit here. What do you got that fucks with this weekend? You don't have to buy anybody any gifts either. None of that bullshit. All these fucking Kardashian horrors getting all these guys have to fucking go down like regular guys now have to find like a fucking, like a goddamn Louis Vuitton thing. Whatever the fuck they make over there. Those fucking people. I'm done with all of that

shit. You know what I mean? Because I'll tell you right now, you can get your, you can get your girl, you can get your woman, all of that fucking, everything on that fucking rodeo drive, you know what I mean? The second you fuck up, you're right back to where you were before you maxed out your credit card. That's the truest fucking thing I'll ever say. All right, fuck that. This is what you get your wife or your girlfriend for Christmas. You know what you do? Fucking, this is where you test the love that they allegedly say they have about you. Go to the beach, go to the park or something and find one of those fucking people that does caricatures of people and you give that guy fucking to 15 bucks and you say, do you want to make, you get that fucking frame, you wrap it,

you give, you give her that for Christmas to caricature of me, the man you love. But how will I make my girlfriends jealous with this? That's what I've really deduced. If I can use that word. All that rodeo drive, all that fifth avenue that has nothing to do with you, your wife, your girlfriend, and it's all about them putting it on and walking by a bunch of other women who don't fucking have it. That's what that fucking shit is all about. Fuck both those streets. Fuck them both. I haven't said that if you work hard yourself. Okay, there are some, there's some old school shit there though. Okay. You know what I mean? There's a man. All right. You get to a certain level of success. You got to buy yourself a Rolex. You don't have to,

but you buy yourself a nice watch. Ladies, you know, I don't know what you got. What is your thing? Like I still think those Louis Vuitton fucking trunks are the shit. You know, all that other bullshit that they're trying to fucking say the Louis Vuitton fucking umbrella stands and stuff. That's all stupid. Okay. That's just for you to have in the background when, you know, you're on fucking Facebook videoing yourself and you accidentally have your Hermes fucking lampshade. It's so fucking stupid. You know, it's fucking unbelievable. You know what I mean? I can't go buy a used helicopter, but I got to go down there and go buy some fucking 90 million dollar purse the fuck out of here. What the fuck is that going to do

when the zombies show up? Am I going to blind them with the fucking price tag? I could get us something out of here. I'll tell you one thing. You haven't lived until you tried to talk your spouse into letting you buy a used helicopter. You'd be surprised when you can pick up something used for aviation. Helicopters are really fucking expensive, but you can get a fucking plane for nothing. You can get a plane for less than you pay for a loaded Prius, a fucking plane. Think about that. Get your fucking license, drive a fucking shit box and go buy a used Cessna. You know, you want to go to a game, fly yourself there.

Off we go into the wild blue yonder flying high. Into the sky. All right, let's do some advertising reads here. The fuck am I here? All right, all right, all right. And we go typing in the password. All right, that's not it. Come on, you fucking cunt. Why can't I, why don't I print this stuff out and be a little more? Isn't this what you like about the podcast, the complete lack of professionalism? Do you guys see Tory Krug go fucking coast to coast in overtime? That remind me all these old timers telling me how Bobby Orr would do that all the time.

You got to look up Bobby Orr. Bobby Orr did it. It was five on five. No offense to Tory Krug. It was three on three. It was a lot of open ice. It's a lot of open ice. And he went around people making them look like I do at pickup hockey back in the day when I used to play with my five year career of pickup hockey. I bet people still talk about me down the rink. Remember that bald redheaded guy? Wasn't he fun to skate around? He always made you feel like you were on the NHL channel. Anyway, the fuck am I talking about here? What do we got? Helix? Helix? You know, there's nobody on the planet like you. So why would you buy a generic mattress built for everyone else? Next, please mention all the talking points below. I've told these

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right? Oh honey, I can't do it on this side. It's too hard. Sorry. All right. They have a 10-year warranty and you can try to, you can try it out for a hundred nights, gross, risk-free. I didn't like it. Right now, sorry, Helix Sleep is offering $125 off a mattress ordered for our listeners. Get up to $125 off helixsleep.com slash burr. That's helixsleep.com slash burr for up to $125 off your mattress. Helixsleep.com slash burr, H-E-L-I-X. That's like a fucking heavy metal band in the 80s. Helix, right? Wasn't that that band? Well, that was Crocus. What was that guy? Give me an R. R-O-C-C-K. And what do you got? Rock. And what are we going to do? Rock you. I swear to God, that was a song. Jesus Christ, my fucking computer's going to die here. What would I be doing if my shit wasn't?

I, you know, you would think that you would take the fucking time, Bill. Oh, we got the kid-proof fucking thing, so I can't get these off. Can't I? No, I can't. Can't fucking get these. Oh, up, up. There it is. Off we go, plugging this dumb shit into the wall. Yada-da, yada-da. I love that song. I think that's why my whole life I want to be a Marine. The second I heard that song, off we go, into the wild blue yonder, the Marine Corps, playing cards. I really, I'm really considering not telling you guys that I know that that's the Air Force fight song. You know, I like making people feel smart on the internet. Um, actually, that's the Air Force. Hey, fuckhead, um, next time you're going to sing a fight song, maybe support the troops,

and gig, gig, gig. Oh, fuck yourself. How many fucking stand-up gigs are you done for them? Yeah. Fucking lunatics. You know what's like to do for the troops? You come on stage and all they wanted was some whore showing her tits. You know what's like to try to tell those jokes for fucking 60 minutes? It's not fun. It's not fun. All right. Simply safe, everybody. According to the FBI, Jesus Christ, the FBI, those guys, those guys who aren't going to fucking talk to that news lady who had the story about Epstein and all that, and all that other shit, just going to let that go, right? Which is going to let it go. Huh? According to the FBI, the average loss in a burglary is over $2,000. Well, when you think about how much a laptop cost, that's kind of a

smash and grab these days. You know, back in the day, two grand was your, was, was your fucking living room set and your, uh, your whole fucking bedroom set. They took the China. Oh God, what are we going to do when company comes over? But even so, only one in five homes have home security. Most companies really don't make it easy, but simply safe is different. Simply safe protects your whole home. Every window, room and door with 24 seven monitoring for just a fraction of the cost. What does that mean? Are they filming me when I'm in the house? I don't understand this. Or do they just, you know, if something happens, then they look at it. Their police dispatch is up to 3.5 times faster than with other companies because simply safe

uses video verification. There's no contract hidden fees or fine print. The sit, I mean, what the fuck are they doing? Is there an intruder? Oh no, he's just jerking off and he, he was choking himself as he did it and he fucking hit the window and made it go open. Oh, he's hopping around. He's fine. Uh, the system is, the system is designed to blend right into your home. No wires, no drilling. That's great. It's easy to order and easy to set up usually in under an hour. Simply safe has won a ton of awards from CNET to the New York times to why you cut it. Um, why isn't this fucking charging? If I yell, does it make the outlet work?

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you know? I mean, how fucking great is your life if that's what you're bitching about? Well, I'm not talking about a plane right now. I'm talking about my fucking house. I don't know why we got the kid proof fucking things. They're so kid proof the fucking outlet doesn't work anymore. Now what happens if I unplug this thing? Then I can't charge the remote. Jesus fucking Christ. Man, I wish I had simply safe so they could fucking watch this whole shit show. All right, how about this? Does this work? I don't understand why this isn't fucking working. It was just charging the fucking phone, the fucking recorder. Fucking Christ almighty. You know, it's got the audacity to tell me I have a low battery.

I realize I have a low battery. Is it because I made fun of the FBI and now they're making this fucking thing not work? Is that what it is? Try blowing the dust out of the entryway to the fucking charger. Maybe that'll help you out about this. Does this work? Are you guys still listening to this? Is this even a fucking podcast anymore? Come on. Oh my god, it made the noise. Was that what it was? Oh, it is Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. I love it. That's what it was. I blew into the little fucking hole there. Jesus Christ. It's called troubleshooting, Bill. All right. Oh, look who's here. Butcher box just in time for Thanksgiving.

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huh? I bet they fucking chow down the whole 24 meals. They just dip everything in water. There's something about dipping it into water. I'm literally laying on the floor trying to get comfortable with 51, laying on a fucking hardwood floor. All right. All right. This is me. This is me. Okay. I'm comfortable. All right. Packed fresh. Each box has nine to 11 pounds of meat, enough for 24 individual meals. Packed fresh and ship frozen and vacuum sealed. So it stays that way. Okay. You can customize your box with one of theirs. Either way, you'll get exactly what you want. It's the best meat shipped right to your door, which means one less trip to the grocers. My favorite, I got to tell you right now, is the heritage bread pork. That's my favorite thing of

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Ken Bay Walker fucking got a concussion. How many times do you get a concussion playing basketball because you ran into your other teammate? I mean, that just doesn't happen that often. I was nervous. I thought he compressed his spine. He was moving the whole time. So I thought he was all right. But yeah, they took him off on a stretcher. Did anybody see the stretcher fucking collapse? No, he's fucking jerk offs with filming it. What are you filming it for? We're gonna look at that in 20 years. I was standing right there when that guy fucking got brought off on a stretcher. All right. Live podcast review. Oh yeah, my live podcast that I taped down at Dynastee type writer finally came out. Very excited. This person,

this is the review. The live podcast was amazing. I can't believe I got to watch you be funny for almost two hours for free. Thanks and go fuck yourself. It wasn't two hours, a little over an hour. I had a great time. I'm gonna be doing more of those. I'm definitely going to be doing more of those. All right. Mr. Rogers. Hey, Bill, do you think if you saw the Mr. Rogers movie, it might help you find tranquility? Sadly, no. And I got to tell you, Tom Hanks, if Tom Hanks playing Mr. Rogers doesn't bring you inner peace, then there really is no help for you. I can't wait to say I love fucking Tom Hanks and I love Mr. Rogers. So that that's a home run for me. That's a home run. I'm definitely going to see that movie. I love going to the movies. I love it

now because most people don't go anymore. So it's great. You know, it's not there's many people there. Anyways, he says, I guess it's about someone with anger issues. I don't know. I haven't seen the movie. Are you fucking with me? I didn't think Mr. Rogers had any anger issues. I watched the, I watched that documentary on him, which of course I can't remember the name of. By the way, I'm up to 12%. I'll tell you when it gets up to 20%, I'm getting off the fucking floor here. I'm going to be in fucking traction. I watched the documentary of him. I thought that was great. And yeah, I actually like to think that my live podcast is my, my nod to Mr. Rogers. You know, I come out, there's a little couch. I don't have a trolley. I don't put on a sweater

or anything like that. I would never do that. All right. That was his fucking thing. I'm not going to step on his goddamn toes. But yeah, that's sort of my, you know, what if Mr. Rogers, I don't know, what if he wasn't as friendly? I don't fucking know. Anyway, plowing ahead here. I'm definitely going to go see that. All right. Netflix Nazi doc. Dude, has Tom Hanks ever been bad, by the way? There's very few actors that you can say that about. You might, may have not liked the movie here or there, but that guy is always fucking good. You know, that's like back in the day, you know, before you could get everything streamed, you, you like depended on actors,

like this guy has never fucked me. This was one of those guys, Tom Hanks, never fucked me over, always had good movies. Who else? Who else? And then you had the guys that, you know, I said it a long time, John Leguizamo, John Leguizamo makes anything he's in better. Anyway, I'm not going to get involved in that. There's just too many, too many people. Lee Marvin, back in the day, Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Telly Savalos. This guy's never let me down. Clint Eastwood. They just, I liked every fucking movie they did. All right, Clint Eastwood. I like Clint Eastwood from the cowboy movies to Kelly's heroes, to the fucking sudden impact. What was that? The Dirty Harry movies, the orangutan movies, pale rider, uh, million dollar baby,

right on through. All right, Netflix, Nazi documentaries. Dear Billy Yo-Yo. Blitzed Nazis on drugs. Oh my God, are you fucking kidding? This is, this is a real thing. Nazis on drugs is a great documentary about how the Nazis were all on meth. Now, now, now, I don't think they were all on meth. That's such a terrible thing to put out there that if you're on fucking meth amphetamine, you can almost take over the world. People don't need to hear that. Okay, another one called the devil next door is about Ivan the terrible, a war criminal who killed over a million Jews at a camp. Oh, wait, I read about that guy. Also, the one you were thinking of about Eichmann was called Operation, Operation Final. Oh, you got to see that. That's where the

Mossad finally got that guy, right? Jesus Christ. It was, it was unbelievable. Unbelievable. Well, I'm going to watch those Nazis on drugs. I'm watching that tonight. Jesus Christ. Homeboys in outer space first, and then Nazis on drugs. It's going to be my evening. Trump impeachment in a few sentences. Oh, thank you so much for fucking clearing this up. Because, you know, I have a tremendous responsibility to keep fellow Americans, not only fellow Americans informed, but, uh, you know, people around the world, like people around the world listening right now had no idea that they had yet another reason to be jealous of the United States of America. Is this thing really fucking twined up in it?

It's just unbelievable. Wires are just fucking, like, well, I got to get off this fucking floor is what this is. I got to get it off this floor. This, that's going to be my one person show. Well, you know how it is. When you get to a certain age, you just got to get off the fucking floor. You could actually call out one person show that back when I first started in this business. That's his thing. He's always every episode, a hundred episodes. He's trying to get off the floor. He has a wacky next door neighbor who's clearly gay, but we'll never address that. And there'll be some sort of Muppet from outer space. And you got yourself a fucking show. Okay. The Trump impeachment in a few

short sentences. All right. Now I got to fucking get down here, getting to read this. All right. Ukraine. Okay. Here's what happened for all you people like me who don't know what everybody on Facebook is so upset about. Trump impeachment, a few short sentences, few sentences. Ukraine needed millions in aid. The U.S. agreed and said, okay, sure, money is yours. That's not how we do it. Then you got to give us a pound of flesh. We know how that works, right? Let us build a base so we can defend you. Then Trump called the Ukraine president and said, or didn't say, this is alleged, I believe what you're saying, allegedly Trump called the Ukrainian president and said, we, the U.S. will give you the

money if you say that you are looking into the Bidens for being shady. Former vice president Joe Biden's son worked for a Ukrainian company. Not really worked, but he was on the board, which is a non job and just the title. Biden's son was paid $50,000 a month. Jesus Christ. With no foreseeable reason other than his name is Biden. Okay. Did that happen? Or is that also alleged? That Ukrainian company was caught up in some shady shit, all the ones that looked into it. Oh, so the shady deal, they hired some shady people to carry it out. Wow, this is fascinating. A shady company that the Ukraine has had trouble with in the past. Okay, so

Trump wanted Ukrainian president to publicly say we in the Ukraine are looking into the company parentheses and therefore looking into Biden's son for shading deep shady dealings. Then Trump said, Rudy Giuliani is going to call you. This is all alleged. And you guys are going to make a statement to the world that Biden's son is involved in some shady shit. That's it. Well, this happens every fucking election. This is enough to distract the president of the United States because he's trying to dig up dirt. Even if it isn't there, they all do this shit. Anyway, apparently some see that quote, I'll give you this, if you do this as a shakedown. Well, that's every business deal works that way. That is what in Trump's that it was in Trump's personal interest as Biden is running for

president, that publicly saying the Ukrainian is looking into the Biden's were it hurt Biden in the upcoming election against Trump. Biden could never be Trump. Why is he wasting because this is like Nixon all over again. He was going to win and he got this another paranoid fucking lunatic. People are bringing up Rudy as he was calling back a fourth was calling back and forth trying to get them to look into Biden. Rudy was the middleman in a lot of the calls allegedly. At the very least, it was a conflict of interest. They quote, think they felt the left thinks this. So the impeachment was to show that Trump was holding up foreign aid and millions of dollars. Oh, I see now, okay, to help his personal presidential run

next term. Try to make it a short answer. Sorry. Oh, I totally understand. I think if what you're saying is accurate, that's basically all. So I see the rub was not that he was trying to find fucking dirt. It said that he was using it for his own personal interest and we weren't helping people out. All right. Well, if you ever looked into like I used to remember as a kid, he used to think like, why are we we always give like a billion dollars to a country? And in the end of it, that country ends up hating us. Why is that? You know, and then when I looked it up, I was like, Oh, oh, that's how when a country gives another country money, as far as what I've read, I read that book Confessions of an Economic Hitman. And it was basically that's where I got that

phrase, their pound of flesh. So when when whatever country goes to give a country that's not doing so well money, they have to pay it back somehow by letting us or somebody else have access to some natural resources. You got to let us build a dam and it's an American company, it's gonna fucking, you know, create all these jobs and then it doesn't and then they fork they default on the fucking loan and then we come in a you got to pay us back and we build a base so we can air quote, protect them. Maybe we're protecting them other people say we're expanding our empire. It's a filthy game. It's a filthy game. Well, you know what I think Trump's in the right business. No, it's actually not true. He's actually brought a lot of shame to the office that the

other great people that have been in there like the Clintons and the Bushes and the Obamas, not Bush senior. I like that guy. All right, advice. I like Bush senior and I liked, I like Jimmy Carter. Those are the two guys I liked so far in my lifetime. All right, advice. Both one term presidents, by the way, both considered weak, you know, both avoided getting us into major, major fucking wars. Both were considered weak. Figure that one out. All right. Hey, Billy, big red burr. I'm a 37 year old single male. Pictures please. I'm starting to get some weird comments about why I'm still single. Well, you're obviously not living in New York or LA. You got another 10 years before people are like,

what's going on with that guy? Anyways, last week, my dad sat me down for a heart to heart and asked if I'm gay. He said, it's all right. If you are the family will still love you. Well, that's great. He goes, I'm not gay at all. Not even a little. I just had some relationship in the past that were nightmares. Most of them were, most of them were to tell you the truth. I just had some relationships in the past that were nightmares. I think you wanted to say to tell you the truth. Anyways, also I look at other relationships and people just seem so unhappy and I do not want to put myself in that position or end up getting some chick pregnant that do not want to be with long term and to end up paying child support and get into arguments about where the kid is going

for Christmas. All right. So obviously you've seen a lot of failures and relationships. You are now catastrophizing and you are destroying any possible chances of a relationship before it even starts. Why do I know this? Cause I did the same fucking thing. So some advice that you would be helpful. I'm happy where I'm at, but do you think I should start playing the field again? I know my parents want grandchildren, but I just don't want to go through what all my past relationships turned out to be. All right. Well, you got to start fishing in a different watering hole. You keep fishing in the same pond. You're going to keep pulling out the same kind of fish. And at some point you got to be looking at what you're doing. Anyways, he goes,

also I'm a recovered addict sober for three years. Congratulations. And bars are not my thing. Help me out here. Big red thanks and go fuck yourself. I would say, there's plenty of things that you can get involved with that don't involve drinking. I bet if you Googled that, Hey, I'll do it for you. Hey, let me, let me do all the fucking heavy lifting. You know why? You know why I'm doing that? Hey, that's right. All right. All right. How to meet new people without drinking. Okay. How to meet someone this weekend. If you don't drink. All right. This is the first one. We're going to go to this one. Why is my laptop vibrating? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, it's funny. This is a picture of a guy waving

to some chicken or something. They're looking at a fucking sun chair. Oh, hi. Hi. That's always a great way to pick up a chick. Just fucking, just sort of wave at her. You know, I never tried that. I bet that works. Just something about waving. You got to wave back. How many times you life has someone been waving at someone behind you and you look at them like, I don't know that person. You just still wave. I think that, oh my God. Fuck coming up with an opening line. Just, you just get a wave. Anyways, whether dating apps are causing how shut the fuck up and just get to it. As someone who lived and dated in New York City for years, I'd be lying if I said alcohol didn't play a huge part. Oh, Jesus Christ. You'd also be lying if you said you got to the fucking

point because alcohol is such a huge part of that. No matter why you would choose to abstain, this is literally nine paragraphs in. Don't feel like you have to avoid bars. If you made the decision not to drink, you shouldn't sweat it. If someone plans a hangout at a bar because you're not giving me things to do. All right, seek out new experiences. Get out of your comfort zone. You know something? Fuck this person. This is just all generic horseshit. All right, I would say, you know, there's, there's sports leagues, co-ed sports leagues. There's the book club. Sorry, I don't know what I honestly don't know. I was such a fucking drunk. I don't know what people do, but that's what I would do. All right, I would try. Sorry, but making all kinds of

fucking noise, moving the recorder around. I have to get off this fucking floor. I have to get off this floor, sir, and you should go out and try and meet somebody. All right, just because everybody else is fucking up. That's like, like having a kid, like all these fucking parents sit there and they tell you like, oh, how old's your kid? I'll be like, you know, she's two and a half. Oh, the terrible toes, the terrible toes. You're just like, no, she's actually been pretty great. Oh, wait till she's three, three and a year, three and a year. You know, just no matter what, they just project gloom and doom. I don't know. There's music, there's art festivals, there's the farmer's market, you know, that's a great place to hit on. Women love to be hit on

at farmer's market. All right, don't listen to these fucking, you know, chicks that you would never hit on anyways. Okay, if you're fucking like somebody, at some point, you got to hit on them. Can she buy vegetables without being asked questions? If I don't ask questions, I'm going to be single for the rest of my fucking, what am I supposed to do? Hey, I don't want to hit on you while you're picking out your green beans there. Where you're going to be later so I can fucking show up and freak you out. Man, white women are doing a lot of complaining. Isn't it incredible? It's fucking incredible. You'd never know they were white. It's so hard being a white woman. I'm sober. How do I meet someone without hanging out at a bar?

How do introverts meet people? Listen, there's plenty. I'm not doing that. It takes me forever to read shit. I would just Google this, find out five ways to make new friends when you're sober. Oh, wait a minute, but sober, but not in a program? Are you in a program? Well, here's one for you. Don't fucking meet some chick at an AA meeting. Jesus Christ. Don't fucking do that. Don't do that. All right. She's over there, chain smoking cigarettes and eating fucking donuts. You don't need that in your life. All right. That's what I would do. I would find, sir, I would, I would Google what I just Googled and sift through it. And, uh, you know, and I was, I would also tell you, dad, this is why I'm not in it. You know, no offense, dad, but you look pretty miserable

when I was growing up. Um, all right. Advice, hosting first Thanksgiving. Oh Jesus. Oh, the stress, the stress of hosting your own Thanksgiving. What do I wear? Where do I see people? Is this through flag going to collapse? All right. Hosting first Thanksgiving. Dear Billy space blaster tits. Oh, that's a reference to the Mandalorian. Episode three came out. I am up on Star Wars people. I'm watching it. John Favreau, everybody crushing it, crushing it from someone who doesn't watch Star Wars. I'm loving the Mandalorian. And not because I'm just looking for my big bald head, which I heard is coming up in episode six. All right. So you fucking bastards. I give you this free goddamn podcast.

Why don't you, why don't you spend a couple of shekels there? Huh? Why don't you spend a couple of yen wherever you are in the fucking world? All right. God knows England has their own currency. All right. Isn't that what the Blitzkrieg's about? Brexit. Um, pounds French with the Franks. They're on the euro, right? Just fucking get Disney plus. I'm telling you, they got, you know, they got, they got the Jeff Goldblum show. They got the Mandalorian. They got all, all those, all those other, you know, I'm not a big movie guy. They got a bunch of movies. All right. Thanksgiving. Dear Billy space blaster tits. I'm hosting the first Thanksgiving this year, which will include my parents, my in-laws and in-laws of in-laws. Wow. These people have

terrible manners, especially while eating. These include the following. Oh no. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh my God. Let's read this again, which will have my parents, my in-laws. Well, you shit on your own parents. So I, you know, they have terrible manners, but will, where are you? Jesus Christ. My father-in-law constantly talks with his mouth full of food. Ooh, that's a tough one. That is a tough one. He then gets a gravy-like substance crackling in his throat. Oh my God. But we'll never clear his throat. I fucking hate people who won't clear their throats. He also sticks his hand in his drinks, drink, pulls out ice cube,

cubes, loudly sucks on them, then spits them back into his drink or loudly crunches them. Jesus Christ. It's like a Martin Short character. My mother-in-law, my mother-in-laws, my little mother-in-law thinks she, she's in charge and keeps yelling at my son and telling him what to do like eat his dinner. I can't have that right in front of my wife and me. Well, that's on your wife to say something. Don't bring that up. It's too close to Thanksgiving. It's too late. You got to talk about this after the holidays. You got to sit through one more fucking holiday, sit down, and you got to start with, listen, you know, I love you. You know, I love your mom. Okay. But I feel like we're, we're our kid's parents. So we should be, you know,

she doesn't need to step in. She already has a mom. She has you, you know, or whatever. He already has a mom, whatever. Anyways, she also, um, anyways, we aren't the type to let our kid do anything he wants. If you're wondering, she also sucks and crunches her ice. My sister-in-law's cunt mother, that almost sounds like a rank. My sister-in-law is cunt mother on deck, who has nowhere else to go because no one likes her. Oh God ruins each holiday meal by being loud, abrasive, and obnoxious. She's always snapping gum because she just had a cigarette and is always talking about negative topics that no one is interested in, which just brings the entire vibe way down. Man. All right. Since this is my house,

shouldn't I have the right to address these issues if they come up? Buddy, I got to tell you something. That ship sailed the second you fucking agreed to have Thanksgiving at your place without, without fucking saying who can come. It's too late for this. It's too late. All right. We have ignition. The rocket is already taken off. You can't turn the fucking thing around. Don't worry. There's a light at the end of this tunnel. I'm going to finish reading this. If so, how should I go about addressing these people in their terrible manners without my wife getting angry with me? It's impossible and me coming off like an asshole to everyone. It's impossible. Congrats on your sobriety. Happy Thanksgiving to you, Nia, and your daughter, and thanks for

all the free entertainment over the years. All right. Cool. You guys don't have to congratulate me on my fucking sobriety. It's not, I'm not in the fucking program. I'm just a fucking binge drinker that's taking a little sabbatical here. You know, Jordan went and played baseball for a year and a half, right? Year or so, right? I'm taking off the same thing. I'm in my Jordan year. All right. Here's what you do. Okay. You don't do a fucking thing, but just be the greatest goddamn Thanksgiving host of all time. Okay. You put on the most festive fucking sweater you can find. You kick, you fucking cook your goddamn ass off. All right. And then you just let these fucking animals act like the animals that they are. I didn't even get them a little liquored up if you

can't just, you know, prime the pump a little bit. Let them act like absolute fucking lunatics. Okay. This is your only chance. And even then, this is an uphill battle, because at the end of the day, you're going to have to sell your wife on the fact that you think her family is a bunch of fucking animals. Okay. And I am not doubting for one second that they are the detail that you went into. Okay. You have to understand this. Okay. As a man who's now a husband and a father, Thanksgiving is no longer yours. Okay. It's no longer yours. It's somebody else's. Okay. Your Thanksgiving, you know when your Thanksgiving is? It's the second, the last one of those fucking ice crunching cunts walks out that door. That's when your Thanksgiving begins. So you have to

look at this as this is essentially a fucking, it's just, it's a day you're not going to get back. But there is balance in the universe. Okay. And you go there, you be an absolute fucking sweetheart. Okay. And you just let them crunch their ice, not clear their throat and do all of that shit. And one of the things that, that you can do if you don't like these people is you could be the person clearing the table and going into wash the dishes. This gets you in another fucking room. Right. There's also nothing stopping you at the last second from inviting a friend of yours who maybe has nowhere to go. And then you guys can kind of fucking buddy up. All right. Okay. But here's the thing. You cannot on any fucking level address these people

at the Thanksgiving that you can't, you can't, there's no way you're not going to look like an asshole. And if your wife is a woman, she will hold this over your head for the rest of your life. Now, if you're in an alternative relationship and you're gay and you adopted, maybe the dude will be cool enough to let it go at some point. Yeah. I think you just, you just got to fucking, you're just going to have to tolerate it. And then next year you got to lay the groundwork of being like, you know, what, can we just maybe let's just do one year where it's just us. You know, it's just a lot of fucking, but I think the only thing you can kind of address here is, is the mother-in-law's behavior after, after she leaves. That's what I would do. But other than

that, I got to tell you something, buddy, you're fucked. You're Thursday is fucked. And you're going to get through it. I believe in you. And you know what, you know, what's going to be the greatest day of your fucking week, Friday. This is all this is what you do. Tell your wife, okay, why don't you plan something fun for you on Friday? Okay. And when she goes, why, why don't you just blah, blah, you just take her by put your hands on her shoulder, kiss her in the forehead, look her right in the eye and be like, I need this. No, okay. Yeah, just plan something fun. Plan something fun, you and the fellas, and then just, just be just remembering all the dumb shit your relatives are doing. And then the next night go out and get shit faced with

some of your buddies and retell all the stories and they're going to laugh their fucking asses off. And it's going to be cathartic for you. All right. There you go. That's my recipe for getting through your Thanksgiving. All right. That's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday.