Monday Morning Podcast 11-26-18
00:00The Leise presentsKokme with your My The Leise AppFrom now on, it's for recipes that are delicious, easy and cheapFor those of you who like something different or like classicsOh yes, there was a spaghetti bolognese with delicious vealDownload the My The Leise App and KokmeYes, great!The Leise, along with the Gleven
00:30How's it going everybody?How are you?How the fucking fuck are you?Well I'm back everybodyVacation is officially overI have shit to do every friggin' day of this weekYou know why?Why Bill, cause you actually have to go to work
00:48You lazy cuntHey!Every once in a while I want to share my feelingsAnd I appreciate if you will reciprocateF is for Family is coming out on Netflix this Wednesday, November 29thPlease watch, please watch again, please watch with all your friendsOr don't, do whatever the fuck you want to doI think it's gonna be, I think you're gonna enjoy it
01:14You know, if you're listening to this, I think you'd enjoy itYou know what I would enjoyIf somebody could tell me how I can buy a quality qualityYou know what, maybe it's just these fucking headphonesMaybe it's just this Jack, whateverLet's continue promoting knowing that people can hear meBut I can't hear myselfAnd when you can't hear yourself
01:34How are you going to be able to open up to others?That's the question that we want to talk about here todayIt's gonna be on November 29thIt's fucking gonna be on Netflix, alrightThat's the deal, let's see what we got hereLet's try to put this in hereWho fixes the problem? How about this, new headphones?You know, most people, if they were a professional
01:58They would have hit pause by nowThat's not me, is it? No, that's not how Bill does itBill just keeps going, and what would you, what do you know?It still doesn't fucking workDoes anybody know who the fuck makes a goddamn fucking headphone jack?That's of qualityYou know, you go down a guitar centerAnd you fucking buy the goddamn fucking mixer
02:18And it works, and then everything else fucking sucksIt doesn't make any sense, you go to a Lexus dealershipEverything's at the fucking Lexus levelI'm fucking believable with this fucking bullshitI've been bitching about this for fucking two goddamn fucking monthsYou know, all the dumb shit that I do with my lifeAll the fucking bars I go intoYou take one night, you take a fucking night off
02:41And go buy a fucking headphone jackF is for family is gonna be a lot of thatIf that's what you're intoHey, does anybody know where the fuck I can fucking goAnd buy some shit that wasn't made in fucking China?Is there a passive aggressive fucking way to say fuck you to my country?Is anything made in this fucking goddamn fucking country anymore?The fact that this fucking thing, I just bought this
03:07And then you can sell this, and who the fuck am I gonna call?Call some fucking guy in India who's pretending like he's hereAnd then he can do this fucking bullshitI'm sorry sir, I'm sorry you feel that wayI understand, get the fuck out of hereBy the way, I know your name isn't ToddAh, it feels good to blow out the lines every once in a whileEverybody over something that you totally have power over
03:34Um, anyways, this is what I do nowI just yell at things, I don't yell at people anymoreI just, you know, you know what I like?When you yell at an inanimate object, you feel like it's listeningYou know, because it never interruptsNever tells you you're wrongAlright, anywaysEffister Family is gonna be up
03:54November 29th on Netflix, please watch itAlso, the 7th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy BenefitTickets going fast, lovin' itTuesday, February 19th at 7pm at the city center in New York CityLine up, Jim Gaffigan, Big J. Orkerson, Gary Gullman, Chris Redd, Michelle WolfeCypher Sounds, Rich Voss is hosting, and yours tooOh, Freckles, oh, fucking FrecklesWith his fucked up headphones
04:22Not the headphones, it's the goddamn JackIt's the fucking JackBomp, bomp, bomp, bompUm, sorryAnyways, um, so this weekI gotta do this, this interview, this Skype interviewWith this coffee company, alrightAnd, uh, I fucking hate, I hate Skype
04:42I fucking hate it, you know what?Skype's another one of those fucking things on your computerThat once you download it, every time you turn your computer onIt fucking sticks its fucking goddamn face out thereIt's like, hey, did I click on you?Did I click on you?They'd sit there and shut up!I got this other thing, right?
05:02I got this external hard drive thingI used it one time, every time I shut down my computerAnd turn it back on againIt's like that fucking, you knowYou know that person at the party when you're just sitting thereLike, who invited this guy?That's what all of those apps are likeYou know?
05:21We need to make sure every time they turn on your computerThat this comes on and we remind them that it's on your computerAll it makes me want to do is eventually grab that iconOr whatever the fuck you call itAnd drag it over to the trash canAnd my favorite thing ever is when you hit delete trashThat little poof, that little poof of dustYou know?
05:42When you're like, wouldn't it be great if you could do that to the guy at the party?You know?Just fucking big paper mache arrowYou put it on him and you poke him in his bellyHe giggles and then he just poof, he just disappearsAnd you can get back to the cool conversation you were havingOr maybe you were just sitting there enjoying yourself in the cornerAnd he decided that he was going to be, you know
06:04I'm a social guy, I'm just going to come up and say helloAnd then seeing that somebody clearly is over in the cornerNot wanting to talk to anybodyI'm going to go over there and go fucking talk to himYou know what I mean?I don't know, I mean, maybe that's just a fucking white thingThe way we fucking walk up to wild animals and shitMaybe it starts at the party by going over to the person in the corner
06:27Who clearly has some sort of fucking issuesClearly not a person you want to steer clear ofYou got to walk up, you walk up, you say helloAnd because of the rules of society over thereThis guy doesn't rip your fucking head offAnd then you just, oh, I think maybe I'll apply the same annoying behaviorI use at a party into the wildMaybe I'll do that
06:47Hey polar bearI'm going to come up and be an open fucking spiritThe amount of, you know, I follow that Discover Sharks on InstagramThe amount of fucking morons that are so into sharksThey're trying to prove how not dangerous they areAnd they're fucking jumping in the water with themIt's like you didn't watch The Crocodile HunterThat's what the fuck he did
07:12Do you think you know nature better than that guy?Dude, the way that guy got killedThat was like a great episode of The WireYou just didn't see it comingYou know what I mean?All those years fucking with those ridiculously, ridiculously poisoned snakesI mean they got snakes in fucking AustraliaThat could take out a small country with one bite
07:35The entire fucking populationAnd this guy's going over there with his fucking booty shorts onWith aerobic socksFucking with these thingsAnd you think in one of these days this guy's going to get bitAnd his shapely tan calvesRight?It didn't happen
07:51All right?Maybe it's going to be, I don't know, what else did he fuck withSome sort of fucking wild boarThat's what you thought was going to get himCertainly a fucking crocodileYou know?You thought that would get himAnd one ended up fucking getting him
08:08A goddamn stingrayNever saw that comingThat was just like The WireWell, what's his face?Oh my god, I forgot the iconic fucking...The guy used to rob the drug dealersI'm not going to ruin itI'm not a spoiler alert
08:21It's been a spoiler alertIt's been out for fucking 15 years or whateverI'm not going to ruin the endingThe way that guy, you knowWhat happens to himYou just don't fucking see it comingI don't even know what I'm talking about anymoreBut anyways, I'm doing
08:37One of my favorite peopleOne of my favorite podcasts of all timeThis Wednesday I'm going to be on the Joe Rogan ExperienceI'm also doing Dice Clay's podcastLater on that dayAnd I'm finally calling inTo Spit and Chiklitz on BarstoolAll right?
08:53I'm running the gamutThe gamut of podcasts that dayI'm doing Kevin and Bean on FridayAnd that's local out hereIf you live in LALocal radioI'm sure they have an appThat you can download
09:07And listen to it wherever the fuck you want toAnd then what else?I got a couple of phoneers tomorrowBut now I have to downloadFucking SkypeSo I can do this phoneer today at noonSo then I can then immediately fucking delete it againDon't forget about me
09:23I'm on your computerWe know SkypeEverybody knows you're hereEverybody knows you're fucking hereOne positive thing I will say about SkypeIs I love the phone ringI don't know what it is about itI like it
09:41I like itOther than that, everything about itIs fucking annoyingYou know what I mean?Anyways, how was your Thanksgiving?I already talked about ThanksgivingI forgot I did it on FridayI talked Friday
09:57What are you going to talk about?Let's talk about the debacleIf you were a Wolverines fanThat was Michigan, Ohio StateJesus fucking ChristThat was just a sorry fuckingThey should have beat him this yearThey really should have
10:12You know something?As much as the buckeyes are walking around with their chestPuffs outIt's like you let up 40 fucking pointsI don't know what you're so excited aboutFucking unbelievable, manI swear to GodIf those cunts didn't get that fucking ridiculous spot
10:29Two years agoIt would have been a rivalry againNow they just got the psychological advantageThat fucking game two years agoWhen everybodyThe entire officiating squad was from fucking OhioI think he got the first downWhatever the fuck it was
10:46Anyways, I just wanted a gameThat's what I wantedAnd I wanted HarbaughTo win oneSo then he could have the fucking Urban MeyerHarbaugh 10 years warBut now, you know, I don't knowUrban Meyer's got some sort of cyst in his head
11:01I had no fucking ideaI didn't know thatSo it's just like, yeah dudeYou got a wife and kidsWhat are you doing here?You know?Every time they run the ball for a lossThe guy literally has to fucking bend over to his ankles
11:13He gets headaches when he flips outIt's just likeIt's literally a ticking timeI'm gonna say it's unsettling to watchYou know what I mean?Jesus ChristBut then it's likeWhat is he gonna do?
11:27Just sit at home with his cystBeing pleasantI mean the man has to live his fucking life, right?AnywaysWhat else?What have we talked about?We've talked about headphone jacksWe've talked about cysts
11:42And people's headsPatriots jetsThat was the one football gameI watched that oneAnd I watched theI watched the end of the Steelers gameThat was tough to watch Big BenLose that one, man
11:57I saw two fucking amazing quarterbacksHave tough gamesAaron Rodgers had that guy openAnd then Big Ben, you knowI'm talking like I would have fucking made the passButI'm so out of it right nowLike I was actually rooting for the Steelers
12:12Because the Broncos justI fucking hate the BroncosJust because they kicked our assFrom Craig Morton right throughJohn ElwayAnd I'm still not over itEvery fucking timeAnd every fucking time we play them
12:26It's always in a way gameIt was always back in their horseshoeBack in the dayIt'd be freezing fucking cold outIt would start snowingAnd then we would just get the shit kicked outAnd every time we played themIt would just be like
12:39You know, we had hopeAnd it had some sort of playoff implicationsAnd then that would be itThat's the old, you knowThat's the old Boston sports fanAs opposed to now where everybody'sI mean, anybody born from the 1990 onIs just absolutely spoiled
12:57As far as being a Boston sports fanWhich I'm totally fine withI watched a little bit of CelticsCaught a little bit of the Bruins vs. the CanadiansAndI don't know, I just had a great weekendI really had a great weekendOh, I think I told you that, guys
13:13Did I tell you I took myI told you that last weekI took my kid to Guitar CenterMan, that was fucking awesomeGod knows we didn't buy any fucking headphone jacksAnd those fucking idiotsThey're not idiotsBut you know, why are you selling shit
13:27That doesn't fucking work?Hey, Bill, why didn't you keep the receiptAnd bring it back?Because I don't want to fucking makeAnother trip over thereAlright, I never take the receiptI'm not coming backIt doesn't fucking work
13:40I'll just yell about itRather than just getting in my carAnd solving the problemYou know, every time I thinkI turn the corner as a personI just realize, oh, JesusIt's just like there's another fuckingStorage shed of emotional shit
13:58I have to fucking go throughYou knowImagine if they could do thatWith your personalityThey had the storage warsWith you, right?And they just make you stand in thereThere's a middle-aged person
14:11And they get a bunch of fucking womenOut there looking for a partnerAnd they're just bidding on itYou know, and then they justThey open the doorAnd you're fucking standing thereWith your fucking dad jeansAnd your little cunt belly
14:27Trying to suck it inAnd they're just looking in your eyesAnd you're trying not to look awayLike some wild animal shit, you knowAnd they start bidding on youWhat do you think they'd bid on you?Let's just say, you knowWe'll make it easy
14:42A hundred bucks is likeThis guy looks like a winnerTop shelf, Johnny BlueI want to be with this guy in zeroIs this guy's a fucking zeroThis guy's a loserEverything he touches turns to shitYou know
14:56Where do you think you'd be on that?I think the only thing that saves meIs that I earn a good livingIf you take that out of the equationAlrightI think I'm in the 30sDepending on how fucking crazyYour dad was
15:17I would sayI might even drop down into the 20sYou knowI'm looking at an emotional lotteryPick the next seasonOh, by the wayYou know, I was talking to VerziAnd he was
15:30I always fucked this guy's nameSaquon BarkleyWas just having like a career dayAlmost a hundred yards in the first halfSome fucking shitAgainst the EaglesAnd then they ran himFour times in the second half
15:41And he just couldn't wrap his headAround the factIt's like, dude, the Giants are tankingOkay, they're not going to make the fuckingThey're tankingYou knowThe Patriots did itWe'd be in trouble
15:53But they're going to tankPeople tankAlright, IndianapolisThey tank to get Andrew LuckPeyton Manning came backHey, doctors said I'm goodOh, no, Peyton, we're worried about youWe're fucking worried about you
16:05Then Peyton goes on to fucking, you knowWin a Super Bowl over thereAnd fucking DenverI love thatYou ever notice that?Whenever anybody treatsTheir superstarWith absolute disrespect
16:17That guy ends up in ColoradoAnd wins championshipsHave you noticed that?The fucking CanadiansAlright there, scarf-wearingFucking snooty goddamn fansBooed Patrick WaughI'm going to say this again
16:32They booed Patrick WaughA man, not only a Hall of FamerNot only winner of two Stanley CupsAt that pointThey changed the positionYou're talking aboutThere's a handful of fucking peopleIn the history of the NHL
16:46They can say thatI changed the positionAnd Patrick Waugh is one of themAnd what did he do?He went to the Colorado AvalancheAnd won, not wonBut two fucking Stanley CupsAnd all of those
16:59Fucking pocket squareBlue block of rougeCunts, sport coat-wearing cunts up thereAre still sitting thereWith the croissant up their assWaiting for another cup25 fucking years laterIndianapolis Colts
17:16Tank of fucking seasonSo they can get Andrew LuckWhere does Peyton Manning go?Does he try to pile on in San FranciscoWhen Jim Harbaugh was thereAnd they were one fucking piece away?No, he does notPeyton Manning says
17:27I'm going to be a fucking man about thisI'm going to the goddamn BroncosNot saying they were badBut that would have been a layupIn San FranciscoIt's tough to say it would have been a layupWith Jim Harbaugh after thatFucking lost the other day
17:39But I don't know, whateverAnd the unimaginative fucking play callingRun, play action fakeThird and long, let's throw itWhere the fuck does Peyton Manning go?He goes to DenverAnd goes to not one but two Super BowlsGets his ass kicked in the first one
17:57By the way, we're playing SeattleYou know, they were all fucking righted upBut nobody gave a shit because they're in SeattleThat's not cheatingThat's a competitive edgeBut he comes backHe wins it like the next year or the year laterI forget which
18:09Another Super Bowl trophyOkaySoI'm thinkingThat the Giants are going to tank this yearThen they're going to go outThey're going to draft a fucking quarterbackThey're going to tell Eli
18:22Winner of not oneBut two Super BowlsAgainst Bill BelichickThe greatest fucking coach of all timeThey're going to tell him to hit the fucking bricksAnd where do you think that man's going?Not the BroncosHe's going to shock everybody
18:37He's going to play point guard for the Denver NuggetsAnd they win an NBA championshipWrite it down!SorryWhat you're listening to right nowIs a manWho has a lot of shit he has to do this weekAnd he doesn't want to get out of bed
18:55Oh!Was I enjoying my time off?Oh, did I enjoy it?You knowBut I realizedI was enjoying it too muchBecause I was continuingTo, you know
19:07Have some drinksHave some cigarsAnd what I really realizedIt was BillWhen you have time offWhat you need to be doingIs drinking waterAnd getting eight hours sleep
19:17Then you'll actually feel restedThen the vacation won't seem likeIt went by too quicklyI realized this last nightThe last day of my vacationAlright?But what I'm going to doIs I'm going to apply the wisdom
19:34That I've learnedI can't even say wisdomBecause I've learned this lessonI've learned this lessonMore fucking timesThen Ohio State has kicked the fucking shitOut of the WolverinesIn the last decade and a half
19:51AnywaysWhat's going to happen in Ohio State?Urban Meyer everybody's sayingIs going to leave this yearThat's not good for footballYou got to see, I meanIt was just building upYou know, Harbaugh
20:03Harbaugh has toHarbaugh has toWhenever I smoke a cigarMy voice cracks the next dayHarbaugh has to fuckingHe's got to getHe's got to beat that guyHe can't take his ball
20:16And go home offFor health reasons he can'tYou know Harbaugh would give him shitOh, is that it buddy?One little fucking cystAnd you're going to go home?Then Urban can just walk awayGoing 62
20:3063, whatever they fucking scoredAnywaysJesus ChristNow what?Do I do some reads?Let's do some readsThat's why I'm readingI'm reading now on Sunday
21:11Alright, five reads everybodyNot one, not twoLike the Stanley Cup said Patrick Wah oneActually Canadians are playing good this yearYou knowYou know, not good enough for their fan baseBecause they expect thingsI love when a fan base expects things
21:29Out of their professional sports franchiseBut nothing out of their own personal livesThat right there, that is a true sports fanAlright, fiveButcher's Box everybodyOh Jesus, do I love these guysButcher Box delivers healthy 100%Grass fed and grass finished beef
21:48Free range, organic chickenAnd the oneThe only, never to be replacedThe fucking porkThat changed the positionThe Patrick WahOf porkHeritage bread pork
22:05Now a lot of you, like me, probably sayWell what exactly is heritage bread porkAnd I know of explaining thisWell guess whatIt's so fucking goodI'm going to explain it againHeritage bread pork isMurdered pigs
22:16That are pure bread pigsThat you can trace their family treeAll the way back to EuropeThey weren't over hereFucking these low rent pigsHere in the United States of AmericaYou know, that sit aroundWatching reality TV
22:31While they're eating cotton candyThese, these, these are European pigsThey readThey smoke cigarettesHolding the cigarette from underneathThese pigsCan ride scooters everybodyNo dude, it's incredible
22:46It's the best takes in pork chopI've ever fucking hadMy mouth literally watersWhen I read this shitIncredible, the incredible qualityOf butcher box meat startsWith the commitmentTo raising animals humanely
22:58And free of antibioticsAnd hormonesBefore they are slaughteredYeahThey listen to fuckingFeel good musicAnd then one day you just walk upHey Piggy
23:10Look at that over thereThen you get me all rightThere FredOverCook with the peace ofWith the peace of mindKnowing you are eating healthyHigh quality meat
23:20Each box comes with at least8 to 11 pounds of meatWhich is enough for 24 individualSize mealsUnless you're a tub of shitAnd you're fucking gluttonousAnd you go through it in three daysIt's your choice
23:33You knowYou want to have the meat sweatSo you want to have absIt's all up to youYou can choose fromFive different box typesAll beefBeef and chicken
23:43Beef and porkMix boxCustom boxLet you choose your own cutsLike my new favorite cook thereJohnnyI'm JohnnyI live on the hill
23:55Every morning I walk downTo buy what I'm going to cook that dayMy name is JohnnyAnd this is what's leftTo the Italian American sectionIn San FranciscoI fucking love that guyNext time I go to San Francisco
24:07I want that guy to come to a showAll right customAll right for $20 off your first boxAnd a package of free baconIn every box for lifeFor the life of your subscriptionGo to butcherbox.comSlash burr
24:24And enter burr at checkoutBy the wayFuck turkey baconAll right, that's a little asideYou know whatI need to learn how to cook itBecause I try to cook it like the pig shitYou know
24:36Or it just bathes in its own greaseI like to burn it up by the wayYou knowMy wife'sI take it off in about 15 minutesYou know mineI leave it in there for another 8 minutesAll right that's $20 off your first box
24:51And a package of free baconIn every boxFor the life of your subscriptionBy going to butcherbox.comSlash burrAnd enter burr at checkoutAll rightIndochino
25:02Mention that there's no longer any excuseFor wearing ill fitting suitsHey everybodyYou know somethingI just would just love to mention somethingThere is no longer any excuseFor wearing an ill fitting suitOkay
25:15It's 2018I think it's timeYou fucking grow upEspecially when they're availableAt such great pricesHighest qualityLowest priceHere's how it works
25:26Visit a stylistAt our showroomAnd have them take your measurementsPersonally or measureAt home yourselfAnd shop onlineAt Indochino.comChoose your fabric
25:40Inside and outChoose your design customizationSubmit your measurementsWith your choicesRelaxWhile your suit gets professionally tailoredAnd mailed to youIn a couple of weeks
25:51November is Black FridayI think that already happenedMeaning 2018's lowest pricesUp to 70% off everythingThe theme is all aboutStepping out from backstageMaking an entranceTake center stage
26:04Your biggest momentGrand finale etcThis weekMy listenersCan availOf Black Friday pricesBy using Code BurrAt checkout
26:16That 70% off the regular priceFor a made to measure suitPlus shipping is freeThat's Indochino.comPromo Code BurrFor up to 70% offIncredible dealFor a made to measure suit
26:29Once you go customYou don't go rackHey by the wayI don't think anybody got trampledOr murderedOr killedDuring Black FridayI think they finally have it down
26:41Doo doo doo dooMe on D'sMe on D'sNobody fucking diedDoo doo doo dooMe on D'sMe on D'sAlthough this fat fucks tried
26:52Getting pressed upAgainst the glassYour belly's roundWith your flat assYou got a pancakeIt's not worth itTo get the DVD VCRFucking Walmart
27:06You're gonna get bludgeonedWith a fish tankAlright, me on D'sThis is the yearThat you can finally tackleYour holiday shopping earlyAnd guess whatYou can get everything you need
27:19For you and your loved onesAt me on D'sMe on D'sMatching fucking underWhere's doo doo doo dooMe on D'sMe on D'sNobody fucking cares
27:29That your wife and youGot a shark on your tankAnd you taste in tartSorry, talk about whyMe on D's are the best underwearFeel free to improviseYou know I love about me on D'sI don't have to go to the store
27:43To get themHow about that?Alright, I don't give a fuckAbout your printsThey're comfortableThey fit my ballsAnd undercarriage thereMe on D's uses the coveted
27:51MicromodalModal fabricWhich is three times softerThan cottonIf you've never felt this fabricGet ready to experience pure blissIn underwear formAlright
28:01As you sashay down the streetFilling your ballsSwishing to and froThis holiday seasonMe on D's will be releasingA new print every TuesdayThat means you have no excuseTo celebrate the holidays
28:14Right down to your very coreBut why stop at me on D's?This yearMe on D's is launching their holidayPrints in lounge pantsIn onesies as wellBoth are made from the sameMicromodal
28:27Modal fabric as their on D'sSeriouslyHow can you not get youAnd your loved onesA matching holiday themeOnesie this yearI don't knowMaybe you got laid off
28:36Me on D's has a greatOh, BillMe on D's has a great offerFor my listenersFor any first timePurchasesYou can purchaseAny Me on D's
28:44You get for 15% offAnd free shippingTo get your 15% offYour first pairAnd free shippingAnd 100% satisfaction guaranteeGo to meondies.comThat's me on D's
28:55Dot com slash burOne more everybodyStamps.comTalk about how the holidaysAre always the busiest time of yearYou know, peopleI tell yaYou think you're busy
29:09For the first 11 months of the yearAnd then the holidays come aroundAnd you're like, wowThis is the busiest time of yearSorry, I'm contractuallyObligated to do thatWhy do youWhat do you have on your list
29:21Your holiday listI want the Beastie BoysHardcover book that they put outOr is it just Beastie BoysI've never been able to figure that outBecause they were always calledThe Beastie BoysAnd then one time they go
29:32We're not the Beastie BoysWe're Beastie BoysAnd then you go backAnd listen to their first fucking songIt's like, ohMom, you're just jealousWe're the Beastie BoysRight?
29:42It's likeYou fucking said itWhat are you guysA bunch of hypocrites like meI want theI want Beastie BoysOr I could say theI'm one of my Russian
29:54I can't use the word theI want theTheAnd then quoteBeastie Boys Hardcover bookThat's what I wantI want thatA little fucking peace and quiet
30:02Where I can go read itUmAlrightWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
30:10We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
30:18We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
30:26We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
30:36We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
30:44We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
30:52We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
31:00We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
31:08We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
31:16We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
31:27We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
31:35We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
31:43We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
31:51We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
31:59We'reWe'reWe're00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:03,000
We're00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:04,000
We'reWe're
32:05We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
32:13We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
32:23We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
32:39We'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe'reWe're
32:47We'reYou get 50% deposit bonus. That's promo code,麼, you need you don't need a promo code for your turkey day free play that's overThat's over. All right. All right. We're done. Okay. There we goIt was something I wanted to talk about. Yeah Black Friday. I'm gonna got to look that up. Let's see. Did anybody. why is it called Black Friday?It's an accounting term. You're in the black. Right. If you're in the red. Well, isn't that not sensitive to Native Americans?Oh, Jesus. All right. Black Friday injuries 2018. You know, some piece of shit lawyers also googling this.Black Friday death count. Oh wait. Oh wait. Two injured and stabbing at New York mall on Black Friday. My fault.Man shopping on Black Friday at Walmart has apparent heart attack and dies. Coroner says man injured in shooting in New Jersey.
34:00Jesus Christ people. Is it really worth it to go out and get the fucking deep fryer or whatever the hell it is you're looking for?I'm telling you, you shop on Saturday. You walk in like a gentleman. All right. Two injured and stabbing in New York mall. All right.Now you wonder did the person bring the knife there just in case they didn't quite get to the fucking Nerf football fast enough?I don't like making fun of people with not a lot of money who have to go and do shit like this, but there's no reason to stab somebody over a fucking microwave.Is there? I mean, you can shoot somebody over a refrigerator, but we're talking a microwave here. I mean, you can get one of those like 30 bucks.All right. Syracuse, New York. Two men have been stabbed at a confrontation at a central New York mall amid Black Friday shopping.This couldn't have been about this. I feel like the violence only happens at Walmart. Am I crazy? Allegedly.All right. Syracuse police tell local media outlets it happened around 4.15 p.m. at Destiny USA.
35:06Police and the mall management say the dispute began at Macy's store. It's not immediately clear what sparked the confrontation.Well, if you're in Macy's, I imagine it's the men department and they were looking at a couple of button downs there.Officers found one man wounded in the abdomen and another man wounded elsewhere on his body. That means he gets stabbed in the groin.Both are in their 20s and were taken to a hospital.Imagine just laying under a clothes rack just looking up at the shirt that was so fucking important eight seconds ago.Please say the injuries don't appear life-threatening.Photos by Syracuse.com and WSYRTV show a portion of Macy's and another store's entrance were taped off for a time.Destiny USA managers say in a statement, the bloodshed was an isolated incident that's absolutely unacceptable.
36:00There you go, buddy. Make a strong stand and strengthens our resolve to remain vigilant.What does that mean?That's the statement. Listen, this is the subtext of all that. Listen, those were the only two people that got stabbed at Destiny USA.It's absolutely not acceptable to stab someone at this mall.And we're now going to try to, you know, really look at people to make sure there's no stabbing motions towards another customer.Are we really going to get to the point in this country where you're going to have to have a metal detector at a fucking clothing store?All right, man shopping on Black Friday at Walmart has a heart attack.He must have got to the Billy Bass first and he couldn't fucking imagine his luck.
37:03Oh, Bill, really? I'm sorry. What am I? This is a fucking comedy podcast. They have to make fun of things.All right.All right, a man died Friday after having an apparent heart attack while shopping at the Walmart.Sorry, this is the Walmart, right? Take this job and shove it. I ain't working here no more.That's my Billy Bass. You put that down, motherfucker.All right, at the Walmart on the US 280 in Phoenix City, authorities say.Where the fuck is Phoenix? Looks like Phoenix, but it's not. It's Phoenix City.All right, little geography lesson, everybody.
37:46All right, here we go. F-P-H-F-P-H-E-N-I-X.Phoenix City, Alabama.Oh, Jim, give me a break. This is probably against fucking Obama fucking War Eagle fan.It's a city in Lee and Russell Counties in the state of Alabama. Oh, it's almost in Georgia. It's almost in Georgia.That's the funniest thing about Georgia is they look down on Alabama. Fucking hilarious.We ain't locked in. Shit. We polish our boots.All right, a man died Friday after having an apparent heart attack while shopping at the Walmart on US 280 in Phoenix City, authorities said.The death during Black Friday shopping was a sad note to the holiday season.
38:40Oh, here's a little side note as a toddler drowned in his big gulp that he dropped.Hey, whatever. It's Black Friday. This is some black humor.Witnesses on Facebook expressing their condolences. Russell County Coroner said, Teddy Venable, 71.Oh, I feel bad. This is somebody's grandfather had a hard history of heart problems. He was pronounced.All right, so that doesn't have anything to do with Walmart.He had a history. Listen, the guy had a history of heart problems. He made it to 71. God bless him.I hope for his peace of mind. He was a fucking Bama fan rather than Auburn, you know, so he had more joy in his life.He probably was. I bet he was. That's what kept him going.
39:24All right, man injured in shooting. See where we go from here. Jesus Christ.All these shows a clock when you get here. All right, man injured in shooting at New Jersey Mall.Elizabeth, New Jersey. The waning hours of Black Friday were disrupted at New Jersey Mall on Friday as a man was wounded by gunfire.Shortly after 8 p.m. That is way too early in the evening to get shot.What did the guy who got shot say? I'm actually, I'm going to side with the shooter on this one.You know what I mean? You shoot somebody around midnight and see, you know, you're a fucking drunk asshole, but you shoot somebody at 8 a.m.8 p.m. They deserved it. All right, the man was shot in the wrist in a hallway between the Marshals and Tommy Hilfiger stores at the Mills at Jersey Gardens in Elizabeth.All right, the shooter was, has not been caught and the victim is not cooperating with authorities. All right, this is gang related.
40:25This has nothing to do. Okay, there you go. See, you know what? Those are really only just one stabbing at Macy's.Another guy had a history of heart problems. You know, we went there. The fucking, I don't know what, the hedge clippers were still there.He couldn't believe it. He fucking had a heart attack. You know, they got, you know, that shit, you know, gets shot in the wrist.Yeah, I'm not, what happened? Yeah, I don't know. You're sitting up with a bullet, you're fucking arresting, you're not cooperating.That is gang related. I'm going to go out on a limb there. All right, Bill, can we get back to the podcast?I'm going to make you guys hate that song. Sorry. All right, let's get to a little, let's get to some of the questions here for this work.All right, gaslighting. Hey, Billy, truck nuts.I don't know what that means. I heard you and Nia talking about gaslighting. I thought you might find it interesting that the origin of that word comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight.
41:16Yeah, somebody sent this to me. This is really interesting. It's about a husband that systematically manipulates little things in her environment to get her to think she's crazy.One example is when he dimmed the gas lights in the house. She mentioned to her husband about the dim lights and he would pretend that they were fine.The wiki page explains it well. Long time lady listener and love the show. I'm going to have to watch that.All right, go to the page. Here we go. Let's read.All right, gaslighting. I thought gaslighting was you were like blowing somebody up, you know, saying that they were better than they were.It turns out it was the exact opposite. It's a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow the seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in a member of a targeted group,making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity, using persistent denial, misdirection, counter-addiction, and lying.I feel like persistent denial, misdirection, and counter-addiction, that's more like, that's more funnest.
42:18Lying is just, yeah, that's just gorilla pimping, right? You just fucking punching them in the face.It attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's belief.Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that the previous abuse of incidents ever occurred.Oh, this is what your parents always say, oh, that never happened.Up to staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.All right, guess what I'm going to watch tonight. I'm going to watch that movie, Gaslighting.Is it Gaslight or Gaslighting?Movie called Gaslight.
43:01I got to watch that. Anything in black and white, I fucking, I really enjoy.Including one of my specials. Sorry. Advice for the fellow cubicle warriors.Hey, Billy Wonka. Ah, now how did nobody ever come up with that one? Billy Wonka.I recently changed my life by setting all my devices to night mode permanently.Phone, laptop, iPad. I had the standard headache and eye pain from all these screens in my face all day long.Well, you got to buy those glasses that they gave me. The blue tint on them.Yeah, what do we have here? It's to the point now when someone shows me their iPhone,I kind of pull back because I can feel those blue lights wrapping my brain.
43:40I think it's something you and your listeners should know.Oh, you said everything to night. Oh, night mode. Oh, so it's not as bright in your face.Well, you know, it'd be great if you showed me how to do that. I could probably look that up.I like the direction you're going in, sir. Any sort of paranoia is right in my fucking wheelhouse.My first comedy show. What's the etiquette? Oh, sit there and shut the fuck up.Laugh if it's funny. If you want to hackle, hackle, but don't be a baby.Anyways, hi, Bill. Big fan. So glad that you're coming to Germany.Oh, Jesus, this is somebody from another country. There's no comedy in Germany.
44:17Oh, stop laughing.I have just bought a ticket to your first show of the tour, the one in Cologne on June 4th of January.By the way, I learned the last time Cologne, Germany was one of the number one bombed cities in World War Two.And there's still a few buildings that survived.Big fan. So glad that you were coming to Germany. I have just bought a ticket for your first show in that tour, the one in Cologne.I had the best time when I was there last time. So I'm anticipating it's going to be another great show.This will be the first comedy show I go to in my whole life. I moved to Germany two years ago.Before that, I lived in Moldova, a small and insignificant country that bright stars don't go to.
45:01Anyways, do you think that on one of your podcast episodes, you could take a minute or two to explain how these comedy shows go for you?What does the ideal spectator behave like? Should I bring flowers and give them to you on stage?This guy is going to heckle this shit out of me. And how do you get the chance to meet you after the show?It would be a real honor to be able to do so. Thank you all the best to you and your family, and I wish you a great European tour.Listen, you go there, you sit down, you get yourself a drink, and then you listen to the comedians.If what they say is funny, you laugh, and if it isn't, don't laugh. And if you go too long without laughing, then you heckle.I mean, that's a part of it. I hate to tell that to an audience member, but that's true.And I think that that's one of the great things about stand-up comedy is the heckling.
45:52It's a great thing about politics too, you know? It's fun.But it sucks as a politician because you can't tell them to go fuck themselves.You know?I'm like, let me ask you this. Why did you raise the taxes in our county?Because you're fucking your sister in that fucking pig trough, you hayseed cunt.That gets an applause break in my business. That ends your career as a politician.Although Donald Trump, President Trump, has shown that maybe that isn't the case.I am so excited for this European tour. I am clean living Billy until I get out there.
46:31You know what I mean? And I'm not going to fuck it up either because I'm taping a special in March, I believe, of next year.So I had my last bit of fun this weekend.I am done. No cigars, no fucking booze, no bread, no cookies, no chips, no nothing.And I'm shutting it down during the toughest time of the year.And I feel fucking good about it. 8 hours sleep and I'm drinking fucking waters.And this includes right through the Rose Bowl because I'm sad to announce that the literally the cornerstone of the tailgate can't make it this yearbecause he's got a gig. The five star chef Jason Lawhead, unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond his control, cannot be there this year.And it's like, you know, he's going to be there next year, hopefully, you know, who knows if he keeps fucking getting gigs, I don't know.
47:37But this is like, you know, I don't know, I'm hoping it's just this year.But the fact that he's not going to be there, I mean, you know, he does his Reggie Jackson impression.He fucking just crushes it with the breakfast sandwiches. He just made it just it's like a massive, you know, this is like Derek Jeter retiring.I was I'm just gonna say he's out with an injury.So we're going to go easier. I think we're going to go easier this year. Do it a little bit differently, but I'm not going to be boozing at all.I'm done with this shit. I got to get myself tip top condition because I am not a young man anymore.And that that European tour is 10 cities in 10 nights.And it's just yeah, so and a lot of those places I haven't been to ever.
48:29So I cannot go there and fuck up. I have to go there and be, you know, I got to be in my best on my best behavior. God, I hope I'm not on planes every fucking day.But if I am going to be the last thing I need to be doing is fucking going out there acting like a fucking idiot.All right, here we go. Drinking as a college freshman speaking of boozing.Dear Bill, I'm a college freshman freshman and just recently went to my first dorm party that wasn't held in my room.Teleris. You sound like me back in the day. I'm an introvert.So luckily for me, I got a roommate who is social and likes to party.Otherwise, I'd probably be spending all my time in my room and not interacting with anybody.Well, that's good. Get yourself out there. Doesn't mean you got to be an idiot, though.
49:13All right, you got to drink responsibly.Actually, you're not supposed to be drinking because you're underage.Look at me. I'm a dad now.I mostly kept to myself throughout high school and had a few friends, but never really, really did much with them outside of school.Because of that, I never had any alcohol.I'm not much of a party guy, but I wanted to step out of my comfort zone.So I decided to go.It sounds like the beginning of a really interesting movie.
49:39Oh, God. Okay. So you're going there.All right.Hey, this is the thing for all you young people out there.If you've never really done something before, the best thing you can do is tell people that you haven't just fucking own it.Yeah, I never, I never drank anymore. I'm a little nervous about it.I just want to go easy. Just give me one here and they'll all laugh, but they'll like it.It's when you act like you've been there before and that's when you get in trouble.I'm not much of a party guy, but I wanted to step out of my comfort zone.
50:07So I decided to go.That includes even being a virgin.You know, where's the fucking shine? Never, never banged anybody.It hasn't happened for me.Help me out guys.Then it began to have you get brings people together.Let's get him laid.Just don't go to a hooker.
50:27I'm not much of a party guy, but I wanted to step out of my comfort zone.So I decided to go for my lack of experience.It seemed pretty wild.There was lots of alcohol, mostly hard liquor, vaping, making out and loud rap music that I didn't know the lyrics.Dude, you are hilarious, man.This guy's a writer.You're really painting a picture here being the sheltered person that I am.I stayed in the corner and just observed everyone else.
50:52I was approached by a few people that offered alcohol, but I kindly refused.That's good. You're a strong person saying that I would drink something else.I realized that the alcohol would help me loosen up.So it was pretty tempting, but not having any previous experience with it.I decided not to smart man.Using your head.Even though I kept to myself for the most part, I had some fun and I'm looking forward to the next party.I am a pretty small person, 105 pounds soaking wet and about five feet, seven inches tall.
51:22So it wouldn't take much for me to feel the effects.I am mostly afraid of how I would act and what I would say.Dude, you're a very smart person.College is all about new experiences, right?So what do you think?Should I drink the next time a party at a party or gathering comes up?So what advice do you have?Thanks and go fuck yourself.
51:45I don't know.You're underage, so I can't tell you to go drink.You shouldn't do that.I wish I would have handled situations like that.I just tell your roommate that that's the deal.I never really drank or anything like that.And I would stay in your dorm room and just drink a beer.I would do that.
52:04And then tell your roommate to say, hey, can you do me a favor?Just look out for me at this party.I don't want to do or say anything stupid, right?And then on top of that, when you go to the party, don't fucking, don't get crazy.As long as you got it, as long as you're sitting there with a beer in your hand,you could literally have water in the can for all they know and just be sipping.Hey, you know, but it's a very mature thing that you're already considering not being out of control.So I wouldn't do that.
52:30Okay.You shouldn't drink if you're underage.You shouldn't.I did.It was stupid.I got in a lot of trouble and it ended with me getting fucking arrested and me finally fucking smarten it up.Really?And the reality is, you know, nothing good comes from it.
52:44It's not good for you.It's not good for you health wise.It's not, it's not good.It's just not good for you.You put on, you're going to put on the wrong kind of weight if you do.However, when you're of age, occasionally having a beer is the way you do it.If you were a mature person, here I am 50 years of fucking age.And I still have to shut it down because I don't even know how to do it.
53:06So that know that that is the world that you're going into.So I think it's good that you're very cautious.Haven't said that there's other ways to have fun, but you know, you want to meet some women or whatever.So just fucking go, you know, it's a strong move if you go there and you're not drinking.You know what I mean?But then it gets weird.If you start talking to a woman and she's been drinking and then you haven't and then she wants to fucking hook up.Then it's this weird fucking.
53:31Yeah, it gets, it gets fucking weird, man.I would, you know what I would do?I would explore other place, other ways to be social, go to the fucking party.Don't fucking drink.You know, you'll be ahead of the game.And then I would find other other social activities.I mean, you're not the only person at school that doesn't drink.You know, maybe you can meet some fucking responsible, you know, woman.
53:56Have a good time that way.There's a lot of ways to skin the cat.I'm really outside my element because I was the idiot that went to the fucking party and did shitty in school.So there you go.You don't have to drink.You don't have to fucking have a beer.All right, to press girlfriend.Just know, dude, you're totally in control and there's nothing wrong with anything about you, anything that you're doing.
54:22And in a lot of ways, you're stronger than most other people because they're just doing what everybody else is doing, which is the easiest thing.Right.And you'll see it in your lifetime.Whenever douchebag goes out and gets themselves a fucking robot because their neighbor has one.All right, to press girlfriend.Hello, Billy blue balls, Billy blue balls.So recently I have started a relationship with a girl.And she told me that she needed to tell me something very important that I might not like about her.
54:52She told me that she had been diagnosed as depressed for several years.Mind you, I've only known this girl for several months and I don't know her circumstances.Is this a deal breaker?Do I break up with her?Should I ignore it?If I break up with her, is she going to harm herself?This situation puts me in a bad position and I am not sure what to do.I think she regrets telling me because she doesn't want me to judge her.
55:17Also, I am a younger male still in high school and I feel like I am not mature enough to deal with this situation.Help is appreciated.All right.Okay, number one, anytime you have a problem, you should never ignore it because all it does is just get bigger.Is this a deal breaker?Do I break up with her?These are all decisions you have to make.As far as you breaking, if you do break up with her, is it going to harm her?
55:46Your responsibility in life is your happiness when it comes to relationships.Okay, and if you're in something you don't want to be in a nice respectful way.You sit down with the person, you tell them you're not happy, that you like them.You just don't like them in a way where you want to continue and then you don't just not talk to them.You can still be friends with them and stuff like that.You don't have to be a fucking asshole about it.However, though, if at the end all of this shit, what this person is bringing to the table is not what you're into,then there's nothing wrong with breaking up with them.
56:21There's plenty of ways for her to get help.It's not your responsibility that she has been diagnosed as depressed.But I would talk to her about it and just say how it makes you feel.You don't want to judge her.I'm not judging.We all got our issues or whatever.I would just talk to her and learn more about it.Learn how deep is it?
56:52She's laying on the floor for weeks and can't get out of the fucking house.That's a lot to take on.If someone is out there with butterflies swirling around your head,if you're not having a fucking problem, it's all going to be up to you.But I would not ignore it.I would just sit down and talk to her about it and then digest it and then see how you're feeling about itand whatever your gut is telling you to do, I would do.And if it's stay with her, I would stay with her.
57:16And if it says to leave, leave, but do it, you know, you don't have to be mean when you break up with somebody.And one of the worst things ever is they don't teach people how to break up with people.There should just be a fucking class on that.And like the masters of it are the ones who can break up with somebody and they can still be friends with them.It's an incredible thing.And I think the only way to do that is if from day one you're just honestand you're constantly checking in emotionally about where you're at.Because if you don't and it's going off the rails and you know it's off the rails and the other person doesn't,
57:54that's when somebody feels like they got dumped.But if you're talking the whole way along, the other person kind of knows, it still sucks, it's still going to be painful,but it's not that fucking like where did that come from?And then the next thing you know, she's standing outside your fucking bedroom window with a pair of sharpened scissors.All right.So there you go.That's the podcast.It's a little bit short this week.
58:16But I gotta, I gotta figure out how to fucking download Skype again so I can do this other bullshit or whatever.All right.That's it, everybody.Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.Hope you didn't get trampled on Black Friday in a fucking Walmart.I will check in on you on Thursday.Enjoy Monday night football tonight.
58:36And once again, please watch.I know you already listened to it, but if you haven't listened to it, the Joe Rogan experience, I'll be there Wednesday.Spit and chiclets Wednesday.Barstool Sports and I'm doing dice clays podcast.I don't know when that one's going to be uploaded.I don't know how he does it.I've never done his podcast, but that's what I'll be doing this week.Kevin and Bean on Friday.
58:57Okay.Get your Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit tickets.And lastly, but not leastly, what was the other thing?Oh, F is for family.Jesus Christ.Jesus Christ.November 29th.Netflix.
59:10Please sit down and watch it.All right.See you.Oh, yeah.
There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click any sentence in the transcript to leave one.