Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-26-18

Episode Date: November 27, 2018

Bill rambles about Skype, mall stabbings, and how to drink.

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How's it going everybody? How are you? How the fucking fuck are you? Well I'm back everybody Vacation is officially over I have shit to do every friggin' day of this week You know why? Why Bill, cause you actually have to go to work

You lazy cunt Hey! Every once in a while I want to share my feelings And I appreciate if you will reciprocate F is for Family is coming out on Netflix this Wednesday, November 29th Please watch, please watch again, please watch with all your friends Or don't, do whatever the fuck you want to do I think it's gonna be, I think you're gonna enjoy it

You know, if you're listening to this, I think you'd enjoy it You know what I would enjoy If somebody could tell me how I can buy a quality quality You know what, maybe it's just these fucking headphones Maybe it's just this Jack, whatever Let's continue promoting knowing that people can hear me But I can't hear myself And when you can't hear yourself

How are you going to be able to open up to others? That's the question that we want to talk about here today It's gonna be on November 29th It's fucking gonna be on Netflix, alright That's the deal, let's see what we got here Let's try to put this in here Who fixes the problem? How about this, new headphones? You know, most people, if they were a professional

They would have hit pause by now That's not me, is it? No, that's not how Bill does it Bill just keeps going, and what would you, what do you know? It still doesn't fucking work Does anybody know who the fuck makes a goddamn fucking headphone jack? That's of quality You know, you go down a guitar center And you fucking buy the goddamn fucking mixer

And it works, and then everything else fucking sucks It doesn't make any sense, you go to a Lexus dealership Everything's at the fucking Lexus level I'm fucking believable with this fucking bullshit I've been bitching about this for fucking two goddamn fucking months You know, all the dumb shit that I do with my life All the fucking bars I go into You take one night, you take a fucking night off

And go buy a fucking headphone jack F is for family is gonna be a lot of that If that's what you're into Hey, does anybody know where the fuck I can fucking go And buy some shit that wasn't made in fucking China? Is there a passive aggressive fucking way to say fuck you to my country? Is anything made in this fucking goddamn fucking country anymore? The fact that this fucking thing, I just bought this

And then you can sell this, and who the fuck am I gonna call? Call some fucking guy in India who's pretending like he's here And then he can do this fucking bullshit I'm sorry sir, I'm sorry you feel that way I understand, get the fuck out of here By the way, I know your name isn't Todd Ah, it feels good to blow out the lines every once in a while Everybody over something that you totally have power over

Um, anyways, this is what I do now I just yell at things, I don't yell at people anymore I just, you know, you know what I like? When you yell at an inanimate object, you feel like it's listening You know, because it never interrupts Never tells you you're wrong Alright, anyways Effister Family is gonna be up

November 29th on Netflix, please watch it Also, the 7th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit Tickets going fast, lovin' it Tuesday, February 19th at 7pm at the city center in New York City Line up, Jim Gaffigan, Big J. Orkerson, Gary Gullman, Chris Redd, Michelle Wolfe Cypher Sounds, Rich Voss is hosting, and yours too Oh, Freckles, oh, fucking Freckles With his fucked up headphones

Not the headphones, it's the goddamn Jack It's the fucking Jack Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp Um, sorry Anyways, um, so this week I gotta do this, this interview, this Skype interview With this coffee company, alright And, uh, I fucking hate, I hate Skype

I fucking hate it, you know what? Skype's another one of those fucking things on your computer That once you download it, every time you turn your computer on It fucking sticks its fucking goddamn face out there It's like, hey, did I click on you? Did I click on you? They'd sit there and shut up! I got this other thing, right?

I got this external hard drive thing I used it one time, every time I shut down my computer And turn it back on again It's like that fucking, you know You know that person at the party when you're just sitting there Like, who invited this guy? That's what all of those apps are like You know?

We need to make sure every time they turn on your computer That this comes on and we remind them that it's on your computer All it makes me want to do is eventually grab that icon Or whatever the fuck you call it And drag it over to the trash can And my favorite thing ever is when you hit delete trash That little poof, that little poof of dust You know?

When you're like, wouldn't it be great if you could do that to the guy at the party? You know? Just fucking big paper mache arrow You put it on him and you poke him in his belly He giggles and then he just poof, he just disappears And you can get back to the cool conversation you were having Or maybe you were just sitting there enjoying yourself in the corner And he decided that he was going to be, you know

I'm a social guy, I'm just going to come up and say hello And then seeing that somebody clearly is over in the corner Not wanting to talk to anybody I'm going to go over there and go fucking talk to him You know what I mean? I don't know, I mean, maybe that's just a fucking white thing The way we fucking walk up to wild animals and shit Maybe it starts at the party by going over to the person in the corner

Who clearly has some sort of fucking issues Clearly not a person you want to steer clear of You got to walk up, you walk up, you say hello And because of the rules of society over there This guy doesn't rip your fucking head off And then you just, oh, I think maybe I'll apply the same annoying behavior I use at a party into the wild Maybe I'll do that

Hey polar bear I'm going to come up and be an open fucking spirit The amount of, you know, I follow that Discover Sharks on Instagram The amount of fucking morons that are so into sharks They're trying to prove how not dangerous they are And they're fucking jumping in the water with them It's like you didn't watch The Crocodile Hunter That's what the fuck he did

Do you think you know nature better than that guy? Dude, the way that guy got killed That was like a great episode of The Wire You just didn't see it coming You know what I mean? All those years fucking with those ridiculously, ridiculously poisoned snakes I mean they got snakes in fucking Australia That could take out a small country with one bite

The entire fucking population And this guy's going over there with his fucking booty shorts on With aerobic socks Fucking with these things And you think in one of these days this guy's going to get bit And his shapely tan calves Right? It didn't happen

All right? Maybe it's going to be, I don't know, what else did he fuck with Some sort of fucking wild boar That's what you thought was going to get him Certainly a fucking crocodile You know? You thought that would get him And one ended up fucking getting him

A goddamn stingray Never saw that coming That was just like The Wire Well, what's his face? Oh my god, I forgot the iconic fucking... The guy used to rob the drug dealers I'm not going to ruin it I'm not a spoiler alert

It's been a spoiler alert It's been out for fucking 15 years or whatever I'm not going to ruin the ending The way that guy, you know What happens to him You just don't fucking see it coming I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore But anyways, I'm doing

One of my favorite people One of my favorite podcasts of all time This Wednesday I'm going to be on the Joe Rogan Experience I'm also doing Dice Clay's podcast Later on that day And I'm finally calling in To Spit and Chiklitz on Barstool All right?

I'm running the gamut The gamut of podcasts that day I'm doing Kevin and Bean on Friday And that's local out here If you live in LA Local radio I'm sure they have an app That you can download

And listen to it wherever the fuck you want to And then what else? I got a couple of phoneers tomorrow But now I have to download Fucking Skype So I can do this phoneer today at noon So then I can then immediately fucking delete it again Don't forget about me

I'm on your computer We know Skype Everybody knows you're here Everybody knows you're fucking here One positive thing I will say about Skype Is I love the phone ring I don't know what it is about it I like it

I like it Other than that, everything about it Is fucking annoying You know what I mean? Anyways, how was your Thanksgiving? I already talked about Thanksgiving I forgot I did it on Friday I talked Friday

What are you going to talk about? Let's talk about the debacle If you were a Wolverines fan That was Michigan, Ohio State Jesus fucking Christ That was just a sorry fucking They should have beat him this year They really should have

You know something? As much as the buckeyes are walking around with their chest Puffs out It's like you let up 40 fucking points I don't know what you're so excited about Fucking unbelievable, man I swear to God If those cunts didn't get that fucking ridiculous spot

Two years ago It would have been a rivalry again Now they just got the psychological advantage That fucking game two years ago When everybody The entire officiating squad was from fucking Ohio I think he got the first down Whatever the fuck it was

Anyways, I just wanted a game That's what I wanted And I wanted Harbaugh To win one So then he could have the fucking Urban Meyer Harbaugh 10 years war But now, you know, I don't know Urban Meyer's got some sort of cyst in his head

I had no fucking idea I didn't know that So it's just like, yeah dude You got a wife and kids What are you doing here? You know? Every time they run the ball for a loss The guy literally has to fucking bend over to his ankles

He gets headaches when he flips out It's just like It's literally a ticking time I'm gonna say it's unsettling to watch You know what I mean? Jesus Christ But then it's like What is he gonna do?

Just sit at home with his cyst Being pleasant I mean the man has to live his fucking life, right? Anyways What else? What have we talked about? We've talked about headphone jacks We've talked about cysts

And people's heads Patriots jets That was the one football game I watched that one And I watched the I watched the end of the Steelers game That was tough to watch Big Ben Lose that one, man

I saw two fucking amazing quarterbacks Have tough games Aaron Rodgers had that guy open And then Big Ben, you know I'm talking like I would have fucking made the pass But I'm so out of it right now Like I was actually rooting for the Steelers

Because the Broncos just I fucking hate the Broncos Just because they kicked our ass From Craig Morton right through John Elway And I'm still not over it Every fucking time And every fucking time we play them

It's always in a way game It was always back in their horseshoe Back in the day It'd be freezing fucking cold out It would start snowing And then we would just get the shit kicked out And every time we played them It would just be like

You know, we had hope And it had some sort of playoff implications And then that would be it That's the old, you know That's the old Boston sports fan As opposed to now where everybody's I mean, anybody born from the 1990 on Is just absolutely spoiled

As far as being a Boston sports fan Which I'm totally fine with I watched a little bit of Celtics Caught a little bit of the Bruins vs. the Canadians And I don't know, I just had a great weekend I really had a great weekend Oh, I think I told you that, guys

Did I tell you I took my I told you that last week I took my kid to Guitar Center Man, that was fucking awesome God knows we didn't buy any fucking headphone jacks And those fucking idiots They're not idiots But you know, why are you selling shit

That doesn't fucking work? Hey, Bill, why didn't you keep the receipt And bring it back? Because I don't want to fucking make Another trip over there Alright, I never take the receipt I'm not coming back It doesn't fucking work

I'll just yell about it Rather than just getting in my car And solving the problem You know, every time I think I turn the corner as a person I just realize, oh, Jesus It's just like there's another fucking Storage shed of emotional shit

I have to fucking go through You know Imagine if they could do that With your personality They had the storage wars With you, right? And they just make you stand in there There's a middle-aged person

And they get a bunch of fucking women Out there looking for a partner And they're just bidding on it You know, and then they just They open the door And you're fucking standing there With your fucking dad jeans And your little cunt belly

Trying to suck it in And they're just looking in your eyes And you're trying not to look away Like some wild animal shit, you know And they start bidding on you What do you think they'd bid on you? Let's just say, you know We'll make it easy

A hundred bucks is like This guy looks like a winner Top shelf, Johnny Blue I want to be with this guy in zero Is this guy's a fucking zero This guy's a loser Everything he touches turns to shit You know

Where do you think you'd be on that? I think the only thing that saves me Is that I earn a good living If you take that out of the equation Alright I think I'm in the 30s Depending on how fucking crazy Your dad was

I would say I might even drop down into the 20s You know I'm looking at an emotional lottery Pick the next season Oh, by the way You know, I was talking to Verzi And he was

I always fucked this guy's name Saquon Barkley Was just having like a career day Almost a hundred yards in the first half Some fucking shit Against the Eagles And then they ran him Four times in the second half

And he just couldn't wrap his head Around the fact It's like, dude, the Giants are tanking Okay, they're not going to make the fucking They're tanking You know The Patriots did it We'd be in trouble

But they're going to tank People tank Alright, Indianapolis They tank to get Andrew Luck Peyton Manning came back Hey, doctors said I'm good Oh, no, Peyton, we're worried about you We're fucking worried about you

Then Peyton goes on to fucking, you know Win a Super Bowl over there And fucking Denver I love that You ever notice that? Whenever anybody treats Their superstar With absolute disrespect

That guy ends up in Colorado And wins championships Have you noticed that? The fucking Canadians Alright there, scarf-wearing Fucking snooty goddamn fans Booed Patrick Waugh I'm going to say this again

They booed Patrick Waugh A man, not only a Hall of Famer Not only winner of two Stanley Cups At that point They changed the position You're talking about There's a handful of fucking people In the history of the NHL

They can say that I changed the position And Patrick Waugh is one of them And what did he do? He went to the Colorado Avalanche And won, not won But two fucking Stanley Cups And all of those

Fucking pocket square Blue block of rouge Cunts, sport coat-wearing cunts up there Are still sitting there With the croissant up their ass Waiting for another cup 25 fucking years later Indianapolis Colts

Tank of fucking season So they can get Andrew Luck Where does Peyton Manning go? Does he try to pile on in San Francisco When Jim Harbaugh was there And they were one fucking piece away? No, he does not Peyton Manning says

I'm going to be a fucking man about this I'm going to the goddamn Broncos Not saying they were bad But that would have been a layup In San Francisco It's tough to say it would have been a layup With Jim Harbaugh after that Fucking lost the other day

But I don't know, whatever And the unimaginative fucking play calling Run, play action fake Third and long, let's throw it Where the fuck does Peyton Manning go? He goes to Denver And goes to not one but two Super Bowls Gets his ass kicked in the first one

By the way, we're playing Seattle You know, they were all fucking righted up But nobody gave a shit because they're in Seattle That's not cheating That's a competitive edge But he comes back He wins it like the next year or the year later I forget which

Another Super Bowl trophy Okay So I'm thinking That the Giants are going to tank this year Then they're going to go out They're going to draft a fucking quarterback They're going to tell Eli

Winner of not one But two Super Bowls Against Bill Belichick The greatest fucking coach of all time They're going to tell him to hit the fucking bricks And where do you think that man's going? Not the Broncos He's going to shock everybody

He's going to play point guard for the Denver Nuggets And they win an NBA championship Write it down! Sorry What you're listening to right now Is a man Who has a lot of shit he has to do this week And he doesn't want to get out of bed

Oh! Was I enjoying my time off? Oh, did I enjoy it? You know But I realized I was enjoying it too much Because I was continuing To, you know

Have some drinks Have some cigars And what I really realized It was Bill When you have time off What you need to be doing Is drinking water And getting eight hours sleep

Then you'll actually feel rested Then the vacation won't seem like It went by too quickly I realized this last night The last day of my vacation Alright? But what I'm going to do Is I'm going to apply the wisdom

That I've learned I can't even say wisdom Because I've learned this lesson I've learned this lesson More fucking times Then Ohio State has kicked the fucking shit Out of the Wolverines In the last decade and a half

Anyways What's going to happen in Ohio State? Urban Meyer everybody's saying Is going to leave this year That's not good for football You got to see, I mean It was just building up You know, Harbaugh

Harbaugh has to Harbaugh has to Whenever I smoke a cigar My voice cracks the next day Harbaugh has to fucking He's got to get He's got to beat that guy He can't take his ball

And go home off For health reasons he can't You know Harbaugh would give him shit Oh, is that it buddy? One little fucking cyst And you're going to go home? Then Urban can just walk away Going 62

63, whatever they fucking scored Anyways Jesus Christ Now what? Do I do some reads? Let's do some reads That's why I'm reading I'm reading now on Sunday

Alright, five reads everybody Not one, not two Like the Stanley Cup said Patrick Wah one Actually Canadians are playing good this year You know You know, not good enough for their fan base Because they expect things I love when a fan base expects things

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Dot com slash bur One more everybody Stamps.com Talk about how the holidays Are always the busiest time of year You know, people I tell ya You think you're busy

For the first 11 months of the year And then the holidays come around And you're like, wow This is the busiest time of year Sorry, I'm contractually Obligated to do that Why do you What do you have on your list

Your holiday list I want the Beastie Boys Hardcover book that they put out Or is it just Beastie Boys I've never been able to figure that out Because they were always called The Beastie Boys And then one time they go

We're not the Beastie Boys We're Beastie Boys And then you go back And listen to their first fucking song It's like, oh Mom, you're just jealous We're the Beastie Boys Right?

It's like You fucking said it What are you guys A bunch of hypocrites like me I want the I want Beastie Boys Or I could say the I'm one of my Russian

I can't use the word the I want the The And then quote Beastie Boys Hardcover book That's what I want I want that A little fucking peace and quiet

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We're You get 50% deposit bonus. That's promo code,麼, you need you don't need a promo code for your turkey day free play that's over That's over. All right. All right. We're done. Okay. There we go It was something I wanted to talk about. Yeah Black Friday. I'm gonna got to look that up. Let's see. Did anybody. why is it called Black Friday? It's an accounting term. You're in the black. Right. If you're in the red. Well, isn't that not sensitive to Native Americans? Oh, Jesus. All right. Black Friday injuries 2018. You know, some piece of shit lawyers also googling this. Black Friday death count. Oh wait. Oh wait. Two injured and stabbing at New York mall on Black Friday. My fault. Man shopping on Black Friday at Walmart has apparent heart attack and dies. Coroner says man injured in shooting in New Jersey.

Jesus Christ people. Is it really worth it to go out and get the fucking deep fryer or whatever the hell it is you're looking for? I'm telling you, you shop on Saturday. You walk in like a gentleman. All right. Two injured and stabbing in New York mall. All right. Now you wonder did the person bring the knife there just in case they didn't quite get to the fucking Nerf football fast enough? I don't like making fun of people with not a lot of money who have to go and do shit like this, but there's no reason to stab somebody over a fucking microwave. Is there? I mean, you can shoot somebody over a refrigerator, but we're talking a microwave here. I mean, you can get one of those like 30 bucks. All right. Syracuse, New York. Two men have been stabbed at a confrontation at a central New York mall amid Black Friday shopping. This couldn't have been about this. I feel like the violence only happens at Walmart. Am I crazy? Allegedly. All right. Syracuse police tell local media outlets it happened around 4.15 p.m. at Destiny USA.

Police and the mall management say the dispute began at Macy's store. It's not immediately clear what sparked the confrontation. Well, if you're in Macy's, I imagine it's the men department and they were looking at a couple of button downs there. Officers found one man wounded in the abdomen and another man wounded elsewhere on his body. That means he gets stabbed in the groin. Both are in their 20s and were taken to a hospital. Imagine just laying under a clothes rack just looking up at the shirt that was so fucking important eight seconds ago. Please say the injuries don't appear life-threatening. Photos by Syracuse.com and WSYRTV show a portion of Macy's and another store's entrance were taped off for a time. Destiny USA managers say in a statement, the bloodshed was an isolated incident that's absolutely unacceptable.

There you go, buddy. Make a strong stand and strengthens our resolve to remain vigilant. What does that mean? That's the statement. Listen, this is the subtext of all that. Listen, those were the only two people that got stabbed at Destiny USA. It's absolutely not acceptable to stab someone at this mall. And we're now going to try to, you know, really look at people to make sure there's no stabbing motions towards another customer. Are we really going to get to the point in this country where you're going to have to have a metal detector at a fucking clothing store? All right, man shopping on Black Friday at Walmart has a heart attack. He must have got to the Billy Bass first and he couldn't fucking imagine his luck.

Oh, Bill, really? I'm sorry. What am I? This is a fucking comedy podcast. They have to make fun of things. All right. All right, a man died Friday after having an apparent heart attack while shopping at the Walmart. Sorry, this is the Walmart, right? Take this job and shove it. I ain't working here no more. That's my Billy Bass. You put that down, motherfucker. All right, at the Walmart on the US 280 in Phoenix City, authorities say. Where the fuck is Phoenix? Looks like Phoenix, but it's not. It's Phoenix City. All right, little geography lesson, everybody.

All right, here we go. F-P-H-F-P-H-E-N-I-X. Phoenix City, Alabama. Oh, Jim, give me a break. This is probably against fucking Obama fucking War Eagle fan. It's a city in Lee and Russell Counties in the state of Alabama. Oh, it's almost in Georgia. It's almost in Georgia. That's the funniest thing about Georgia is they look down on Alabama. Fucking hilarious. We ain't locked in. Shit. We polish our boots. All right, a man died Friday after having an apparent heart attack while shopping at the Walmart on US 280 in Phoenix City, authorities said. The death during Black Friday shopping was a sad note to the holiday season.

Oh, here's a little side note as a toddler drowned in his big gulp that he dropped. Hey, whatever. It's Black Friday. This is some black humor. Witnesses on Facebook expressing their condolences. Russell County Coroner said, Teddy Venable, 71. Oh, I feel bad. This is somebody's grandfather had a hard history of heart problems. He was pronounced. All right, so that doesn't have anything to do with Walmart. He had a history. Listen, the guy had a history of heart problems. He made it to 71. God bless him. I hope for his peace of mind. He was a fucking Bama fan rather than Auburn, you know, so he had more joy in his life. He probably was. I bet he was. That's what kept him going.

All right, man injured in shooting. See where we go from here. Jesus Christ. All these shows a clock when you get here. All right, man injured in shooting at New Jersey Mall. Elizabeth, New Jersey. The waning hours of Black Friday were disrupted at New Jersey Mall on Friday as a man was wounded by gunfire. Shortly after 8 p.m. That is way too early in the evening to get shot. What did the guy who got shot say? I'm actually, I'm going to side with the shooter on this one. You know what I mean? You shoot somebody around midnight and see, you know, you're a fucking drunk asshole, but you shoot somebody at 8 a.m. 8 p.m. They deserved it. All right, the man was shot in the wrist in a hallway between the Marshals and Tommy Hilfiger stores at the Mills at Jersey Gardens in Elizabeth. All right, the shooter was, has not been caught and the victim is not cooperating with authorities. All right, this is gang related.

This has nothing to do. Okay, there you go. See, you know what? Those are really only just one stabbing at Macy's. Another guy had a history of heart problems. You know, we went there. The fucking, I don't know what, the hedge clippers were still there. He couldn't believe it. He fucking had a heart attack. You know, they got, you know, that shit, you know, gets shot in the wrist. Yeah, I'm not, what happened? Yeah, I don't know. You're sitting up with a bullet, you're fucking arresting, you're not cooperating. That is gang related. I'm going to go out on a limb there. All right, Bill, can we get back to the podcast? I'm going to make you guys hate that song. Sorry. All right, let's get to a little, let's get to some of the questions here for this work. All right, gaslighting. Hey, Billy, truck nuts. I don't know what that means. I heard you and Nia talking about gaslighting. I thought you might find it interesting that the origin of that word comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight.

Yeah, somebody sent this to me. This is really interesting. It's about a husband that systematically manipulates little things in her environment to get her to think she's crazy. One example is when he dimmed the gas lights in the house. She mentioned to her husband about the dim lights and he would pretend that they were fine. The wiki page explains it well. Long time lady listener and love the show. I'm going to have to watch that. All right, go to the page. Here we go. Let's read. All right, gaslighting. I thought gaslighting was you were like blowing somebody up, you know, saying that they were better than they were. It turns out it was the exact opposite. It's a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow the seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in a member of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity, using persistent denial, misdirection, counter-addiction, and lying. I feel like persistent denial, misdirection, and counter-addiction, that's more like, that's more funnest.

Lying is just, yeah, that's just gorilla pimping, right? You just fucking punching them in the face. It attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's belief. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that the previous abuse of incidents ever occurred. Oh, this is what your parents always say, oh, that never happened. Up to staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. All right, guess what I'm going to watch tonight. I'm going to watch that movie, Gaslighting. Is it Gaslight or Gaslighting? Movie called Gaslight.

I got to watch that. Anything in black and white, I fucking, I really enjoy. Including one of my specials. Sorry. Advice for the fellow cubicle warriors. Hey, Billy Wonka. Ah, now how did nobody ever come up with that one? Billy Wonka. I recently changed my life by setting all my devices to night mode permanently. Phone, laptop, iPad. I had the standard headache and eye pain from all these screens in my face all day long. Well, you got to buy those glasses that they gave me. The blue tint on them. Yeah, what do we have here? It's to the point now when someone shows me their iPhone, I kind of pull back because I can feel those blue lights wrapping my brain.

I think it's something you and your listeners should know. Oh, you said everything to night. Oh, night mode. Oh, so it's not as bright in your face. Well, you know, it'd be great if you showed me how to do that. I could probably look that up. I like the direction you're going in, sir. Any sort of paranoia is right in my fucking wheelhouse. My first comedy show. What's the etiquette? Oh, sit there and shut the fuck up. Laugh if it's funny. If you want to hackle, hackle, but don't be a baby. Anyways, hi, Bill. Big fan. So glad that you're coming to Germany. Oh, Jesus, this is somebody from another country. There's no comedy in Germany.

Oh, stop laughing. I have just bought a ticket to your first show of the tour, the one in Cologne on June 4th of January. By the way, I learned the last time Cologne, Germany was one of the number one bombed cities in World War Two. And there's still a few buildings that survived. Big fan. So glad that you were coming to Germany. I have just bought a ticket for your first show in that tour, the one in Cologne. I had the best time when I was there last time. So I'm anticipating it's going to be another great show. This will be the first comedy show I go to in my whole life. I moved to Germany two years ago. Before that, I lived in Moldova, a small and insignificant country that bright stars don't go to.

Anyways, do you think that on one of your podcast episodes, you could take a minute or two to explain how these comedy shows go for you? What does the ideal spectator behave like? Should I bring flowers and give them to you on stage? This guy is going to heckle this shit out of me. And how do you get the chance to meet you after the show? It would be a real honor to be able to do so. Thank you all the best to you and your family, and I wish you a great European tour. Listen, you go there, you sit down, you get yourself a drink, and then you listen to the comedians. If what they say is funny, you laugh, and if it isn't, don't laugh. And if you go too long without laughing, then you heckle. I mean, that's a part of it. I hate to tell that to an audience member, but that's true. And I think that that's one of the great things about stand-up comedy is the heckling.

It's a great thing about politics too, you know? It's fun. But it sucks as a politician because you can't tell them to go fuck themselves. You know? I'm like, let me ask you this. Why did you raise the taxes in our county? Because you're fucking your sister in that fucking pig trough, you hayseed cunt. That gets an applause break in my business. That ends your career as a politician. Although Donald Trump, President Trump, has shown that maybe that isn't the case. I am so excited for this European tour. I am clean living Billy until I get out there.

You know what I mean? And I'm not going to fuck it up either because I'm taping a special in March, I believe, of next year. So I had my last bit of fun this weekend. I am done. No cigars, no fucking booze, no bread, no cookies, no chips, no nothing. And I'm shutting it down during the toughest time of the year. And I feel fucking good about it. 8 hours sleep and I'm drinking fucking waters. And this includes right through the Rose Bowl because I'm sad to announce that the literally the cornerstone of the tailgate can't make it this year because he's got a gig. The five star chef Jason Lawhead, unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond his control, cannot be there this year. And it's like, you know, he's going to be there next year, hopefully, you know, who knows if he keeps fucking getting gigs, I don't know.

But this is like, you know, I don't know, I'm hoping it's just this year. But the fact that he's not going to be there, I mean, you know, he does his Reggie Jackson impression. He fucking just crushes it with the breakfast sandwiches. He just made it just it's like a massive, you know, this is like Derek Jeter retiring. I was I'm just gonna say he's out with an injury. So we're going to go easier. I think we're going to go easier this year. Do it a little bit differently, but I'm not going to be boozing at all. I'm done with this shit. I got to get myself tip top condition because I am not a young man anymore. And that that European tour is 10 cities in 10 nights. And it's just yeah, so and a lot of those places I haven't been to ever.

So I cannot go there and fuck up. I have to go there and be, you know, I got to be in my best on my best behavior. God, I hope I'm not on planes every fucking day. But if I am going to be the last thing I need to be doing is fucking going out there acting like a fucking idiot. All right, here we go. Drinking as a college freshman speaking of boozing. Dear Bill, I'm a college freshman freshman and just recently went to my first dorm party that wasn't held in my room. Teleris. You sound like me back in the day. I'm an introvert. So luckily for me, I got a roommate who is social and likes to party. Otherwise, I'd probably be spending all my time in my room and not interacting with anybody. Well, that's good. Get yourself out there. Doesn't mean you got to be an idiot, though.

All right, you got to drink responsibly. Actually, you're not supposed to be drinking because you're underage. Look at me. I'm a dad now. I mostly kept to myself throughout high school and had a few friends, but never really, really did much with them outside of school. Because of that, I never had any alcohol. I'm not much of a party guy, but I wanted to step out of my comfort zone. So I decided to go. It sounds like the beginning of a really interesting movie.

Oh, God. Okay. So you're going there. All right. Hey, this is the thing for all you young people out there. If you've never really done something before, the best thing you can do is tell people that you haven't just fucking own it. Yeah, I never, I never drank anymore. I'm a little nervous about it. I just want to go easy. Just give me one here and they'll all laugh, but they'll like it. It's when you act like you've been there before and that's when you get in trouble. I'm not much of a party guy, but I wanted to step out of my comfort zone.

So I decided to go. That includes even being a virgin. You know, where's the fucking shine? Never, never banged anybody. It hasn't happened for me. Help me out guys. Then it began to have you get brings people together. Let's get him laid. Just don't go to a hooker.

I'm not much of a party guy, but I wanted to step out of my comfort zone. So I decided to go for my lack of experience. It seemed pretty wild. There was lots of alcohol, mostly hard liquor, vaping, making out and loud rap music that I didn't know the lyrics. Dude, you are hilarious, man. This guy's a writer. You're really painting a picture here being the sheltered person that I am. I stayed in the corner and just observed everyone else.

I was approached by a few people that offered alcohol, but I kindly refused. That's good. You're a strong person saying that I would drink something else. I realized that the alcohol would help me loosen up. So it was pretty tempting, but not having any previous experience with it. I decided not to smart man. Using your head. Even though I kept to myself for the most part, I had some fun and I'm looking forward to the next party. I am a pretty small person, 105 pounds soaking wet and about five feet, seven inches tall.

So it wouldn't take much for me to feel the effects. I am mostly afraid of how I would act and what I would say. Dude, you're a very smart person. College is all about new experiences, right? So what do you think? Should I drink the next time a party at a party or gathering comes up? So what advice do you have? Thanks and go fuck yourself.

I don't know. You're underage, so I can't tell you to go drink. You shouldn't do that. I wish I would have handled situations like that. I just tell your roommate that that's the deal. I never really drank or anything like that. And I would stay in your dorm room and just drink a beer. I would do that.

And then tell your roommate to say, hey, can you do me a favor? Just look out for me at this party. I don't want to do or say anything stupid, right? And then on top of that, when you go to the party, don't fucking, don't get crazy. As long as you got it, as long as you're sitting there with a beer in your hand, you could literally have water in the can for all they know and just be sipping. Hey, you know, but it's a very mature thing that you're already considering not being out of control. So I wouldn't do that.

Okay. You shouldn't drink if you're underage. You shouldn't. I did. It was stupid. I got in a lot of trouble and it ended with me getting fucking arrested and me finally fucking smarten it up. Really? And the reality is, you know, nothing good comes from it.

It's not good for you. It's not good for you health wise. It's not, it's not good. It's just not good for you. You put on, you're going to put on the wrong kind of weight if you do. However, when you're of age, occasionally having a beer is the way you do it. If you were a mature person, here I am 50 years of fucking age. And I still have to shut it down because I don't even know how to do it.

So that know that that is the world that you're going into. So I think it's good that you're very cautious. Haven't said that there's other ways to have fun, but you know, you want to meet some women or whatever. So just fucking go, you know, it's a strong move if you go there and you're not drinking. You know what I mean? But then it gets weird. If you start talking to a woman and she's been drinking and then you haven't and then she wants to fucking hook up. Then it's this weird fucking.

Yeah, it gets, it gets fucking weird, man. I would, you know what I would do? I would explore other place, other ways to be social, go to the fucking party. Don't fucking drink. You know, you'll be ahead of the game. And then I would find other other social activities. I mean, you're not the only person at school that doesn't drink. You know, maybe you can meet some fucking responsible, you know, woman.

Have a good time that way. There's a lot of ways to skin the cat. I'm really outside my element because I was the idiot that went to the fucking party and did shitty in school. So there you go. You don't have to drink. You don't have to fucking have a beer. All right, to press girlfriend. Just know, dude, you're totally in control and there's nothing wrong with anything about you, anything that you're doing.

And in a lot of ways, you're stronger than most other people because they're just doing what everybody else is doing, which is the easiest thing. Right. And you'll see it in your lifetime. Whenever douchebag goes out and gets themselves a fucking robot because their neighbor has one. All right, to press girlfriend. Hello, Billy blue balls, Billy blue balls. So recently I have started a relationship with a girl. And she told me that she needed to tell me something very important that I might not like about her.

She told me that she had been diagnosed as depressed for several years. Mind you, I've only known this girl for several months and I don't know her circumstances. Is this a deal breaker? Do I break up with her? Should I ignore it? If I break up with her, is she going to harm herself? This situation puts me in a bad position and I am not sure what to do. I think she regrets telling me because she doesn't want me to judge her.

Also, I am a younger male still in high school and I feel like I am not mature enough to deal with this situation. Help is appreciated. All right. Okay, number one, anytime you have a problem, you should never ignore it because all it does is just get bigger. Is this a deal breaker? Do I break up with her? These are all decisions you have to make. As far as you breaking, if you do break up with her, is it going to harm her?

Your responsibility in life is your happiness when it comes to relationships. Okay, and if you're in something you don't want to be in a nice respectful way. You sit down with the person, you tell them you're not happy, that you like them. You just don't like them in a way where you want to continue and then you don't just not talk to them. You can still be friends with them and stuff like that. You don't have to be a fucking asshole about it. However, though, if at the end all of this shit, what this person is bringing to the table is not what you're into, then there's nothing wrong with breaking up with them.

There's plenty of ways for her to get help. It's not your responsibility that she has been diagnosed as depressed. But I would talk to her about it and just say how it makes you feel. You don't want to judge her. I'm not judging. We all got our issues or whatever. I would just talk to her and learn more about it. Learn how deep is it?

She's laying on the floor for weeks and can't get out of the fucking house. That's a lot to take on. If someone is out there with butterflies swirling around your head, if you're not having a fucking problem, it's all going to be up to you. But I would not ignore it. I would just sit down and talk to her about it and then digest it and then see how you're feeling about it and whatever your gut is telling you to do, I would do. And if it's stay with her, I would stay with her.

And if it says to leave, leave, but do it, you know, you don't have to be mean when you break up with somebody. And one of the worst things ever is they don't teach people how to break up with people. There should just be a fucking class on that. And like the masters of it are the ones who can break up with somebody and they can still be friends with them. It's an incredible thing. And I think the only way to do that is if from day one you're just honest and you're constantly checking in emotionally about where you're at. Because if you don't and it's going off the rails and you know it's off the rails and the other person doesn't,

that's when somebody feels like they got dumped. But if you're talking the whole way along, the other person kind of knows, it still sucks, it's still going to be painful, but it's not that fucking like where did that come from? And then the next thing you know, she's standing outside your fucking bedroom window with a pair of sharpened scissors. All right. So there you go. That's the podcast. It's a little bit short this week.

But I gotta, I gotta figure out how to fucking download Skype again so I can do this other bullshit or whatever. All right. That's it, everybody. Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. Hope you didn't get trampled on Black Friday in a fucking Walmart. I will check in on you on Thursday. Enjoy Monday night football tonight.

And once again, please watch. I know you already listened to it, but if you haven't listened to it, the Joe Rogan experience, I'll be there Wednesday. Spit and chiclets Wednesday. Barstool Sports and I'm doing dice clays podcast. I don't know when that one's going to be uploaded. I don't know how he does it. I've never done his podcast, but that's what I'll be doing this week. Kevin and Bean on Friday.

Okay. Get your Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit tickets. And lastly, but not leastly, what was the other thing? Oh, F is for family. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. November 29th. Netflix.

Please sit down and watch it. All right. See you. Oh, yeah.