Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-27-17

Episode Date: November 27, 2017

Bill rambles about college football, plastic surgery and progressive rock.

With the Metaverse, firefighters will one day be able to use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings, saving them crucial seconds when lives are on the line. The Metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at meta.com slash Metaverse impact. What's up? What's going on? How was your Thanksgiving? How was your Thanksgiving week? Oh, it's over, huh? Jesus Christ. Isn't that a great weekend? It's the best. If you don't fucking, if you don't have to go anywhere, first of all, if you don't have to go anywhere, you know, if you get, you got a wife and you got a kid, you don't have to go anywhere, people just come into your place. It's the best. You know, all your stuff is there.

In the end, people help clean up. I had the, I literally, I had the perfect Thanksgiving. It was perfect. And I want to thank everyone involved. Oh, I can't yell. My daughter's asleep. Fuck. I'm taping this at night, Sunday night. The sweet potato pie killed. I think I gave out some misinformation. I just bought the wrong kind of sweet potato. I bought a, it was the white one, which I'm heard I use for other desserts, but not for the pie. But people do actually use sweet potatoes for sweet potato pie. You can also actually use yams. That's what I used. Yams, brown sugar, cinnamon, some nutmeg, a little bit of ginger, some vanilla, whatever. You know, a whole bunch of sugar stirred the whole thing together. And I tell you, I was sweating it.

Okay. Fucking white guy making a sweet potato pie. You know what I mean? I mean, I'm living dangerously here. I thought I was going to get booed like at the Apollo. And maybe people were just being nice, but I think, I think everybody liked it. So I was psyched. And then my stuffing always kills. My stuffing always kills. You know why? Cause it starts off with me melting an entire stick of butter in a pan. That's where, and I go from there. I don't care what you're making, you can't lose if you start by melting a stick of butter in a pan. You know, these fucking lunatics nowadays, they will take that. Oh, can I pour that entire thing into my coffee? I don't know what's going on. All right. I have a lot of stuff to promote. I apologize for

the AC, but it's as hot as shit in here. I don't know if you can hear that running over my loud ass voice here. A bunch of stuff. The sixth annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit will be Tuesday, February 20th, 2018 at 7pm. People always go, Hey man, why is it always on Tuesday? Because I got a bunch of comics working for free that night. I can't have them work for free on a money night. Money as in Cha-ching. Not Monday night. Not a Monday night. A money night. All right. It's going to be 7pm at the city center where we've always had it. 131 West 55th street between 6th and 7th avenues, New York, New York, 10019. Here's the lineup. Brendan Burns, Pete Corrielli, Joe DeRauw, Joey Roses, Sam Jay, Robert Bobby Kelly there, Jessica

Curson, Cypher Sounds, and Rich Voss with more special guests to be announced. Ticket prices are 75 bucks every seat and all the money other than what we have to pay to rent the fucking place goes to his mom. All right. And his, what would have been his wife, but he never got a round of marrying her. I don't know how to say it. Anyways, there's three ways to buy the tickets. One, you go, I'm going to have all these links, by the way, are up on my website, all that stuff. Okay. And you can, there's a number you can call if you're sitting in your cubicle right now, 212-581-1212 at the theater and at the box office, you can go right to 131 West 55th street. All right. It's going to be, it's going to be Tuesday, February 20th, 2018 at 7pm. And thank

you to everybody who's been coming for all of these years. Because of you guys coming out, we've been able to keep Patrice's name and his comedy alive. And everybody that, you know, that was in his life has, that he was helping to support and everything has remained living comfortably and been taken care of. So, it's one of the, you know, things I'm most proud of as far as all the things that, you know, I've done in this business and I've watched my friends do the fact that we all get together and make sure that his mom and his family are right, are all right, is a great thing. So, anyways, on to the podcast. Well, if I'm going to promote some stuff, I might as well promote a few other things. Speaking of comedians, and I got to get around this benefit

one of these years, a good friend of mine for way back in the day, became a filmmaker and is now back is back to stand up Maya de Giorgio. Absolutely fucking hilarious. And I was talking to you the night at the comedy store. I didn't realize I told her, you know, I really fucked, I refucked up my side big time by playing drums. I think I already told you guys that. So, I was down there and I was just telling her that, you know, how I messed it up. And then I re screwed it up by playing drums. She's like, I didn't play drums. I used to play drums. I started talking to her. Mother used to be this famous jazz singer, and she played at the Cotton Club and all this stuff, the real jazz gigs and shit, sitting with all these legends, started talking all this drum

stuff. And she's a great comedian. Anyway, she's going to be December 6th. She's going to be at Levity Live in Oxnard, California, which is just outside of LA. It's a Wednesday night. She's just fucking awesome. So, definitely check it out. I'll have the link up there for that. And lastly, Judah Freelander has a new special on Netflix called America is the greatest country in the United States. And me and Nia were sitting in bed watching it really low on the volume because, you know, our lovely daughter is sleeping in the other room and just cracking up. It's fucking hilarious. It's brilliant. I haven't seen him in so long because he's a New York guy and I'm a big LA phony here. And I sent him a text. I told him, that guy is fucking brilliant, man. Definitely

check it out. It's so cool the way he shot it. It looks like almost black and white. Probably did it with a couple of iPhones. It's just shot over the course of, I don't know how many months of him screwing around, doing bits, fucking with the crowd, you know, and he just would cut out and just say the seller, this date, the seller, that date, all shot at the seller. It's really, it's really different. It's awesome. Judah Freelander, America is the greatest country in the United States. All right, that's it. Let's get into the podcast here. All right, let's dig in to the goddamn podcast. In a good way, I did not do shit this weekend. I didn't do shit other than this morning. I woke up and I got all my tax shit, you know, I do it at the end of every month.

I just get all my stupid receipts, I organize them so I don't have a fucking avalanche, you know, April 14th to go through and throw out my account and make his life miserable. I don't do that. End of every month, like a little old lady, you know, I try to balance the books. I just do all of that. And then all I have to deal with is whatever bullshit I did in the last 30 days, rather than having to deal with 365 days, it's the smartest fucking thing I've ever done. Because I remember back when I used to live with Bobby Kelly, right? We would sit and, you know, we would do like a zillion spots a week, you know, on the weekend, you'd have like six, seven, eight spots a night, you know, and I was working uptown and downtown. So I'd have all these cab

receipts. I'd have all of these receipts from college gigs, club gigs, bus tickets, train tickets, all of this shit shoved in like four different CVS bags by the end of the year. And, you know, we had to do our own taxes back then or whatever. And we would just be sitting there with this shitty fucking coffee table with our giant plastic bags of receipts. I go, dude, why did we do this? Why did we fucking, why didn't we just along the way, at least just have an envelope that said taxi receipts? And I would try it every year. You know, in a good year, I'd make it to March, you know, but I never made it for the whole year. Most years, I wouldn't even make it into February. And I'd just be like, ah, fuck it. But this year, finally, years later, 25 years into my career,

I finally, you know, I've finally been doing it. And I kind of know where shit is, like major shit, life insurance and stuff like that. I kind of know where it is. Like, I know it's in one of two different places. I don't know which folder, but it's really made my life a lot easier. Or who's kidding who, my wife, if make her life easier, if I ever die, it's like, it's either in that box or in that box. And it's sort of organized. So anyways, yeah, I did not do shit this weekend, still didn't drink. I made it through. I did not drink. So I'm up to 102 days by the time you listen to this, I'm in triple digits over there. I'm like, fucking will chable it a being sober. I got him by two fucking days, two points. Yeah, it wasn't that, it wasn't that bad. No one was

really drinking. So the temptation wasn't really there. And once the night was over, and my daughter was awesome, and she didn't cry, nothing. She's just like, she's so cool, man. She's so chill. She's so, you know, when people, people actually say that when she gets upset, she looks like me, that's when she looks like me, you know what I mean? And as much as that hurts me to hear that, I know it's true. So anyways, I ended up, I, you know, when I'm home, I usually am the one that puts her to bed. I actually really enjoy doing it. And I have it down to a whole system. And the worst part is after they fall asleep in your arms, and you got to set them down in the crib, and then they cry for a little bit, and just walking away, knowing they're fine,

knowing they're just crying, they're okay. That's the hard part. But I actually enjoy her falling asleep, you know, laying on my arm so much that I usually let it go for like an extra 20 minutes. Because I figure someday, you know, she's going to be like, Oh my God, dad, God, yes, so embarrassing. I'm really trying to take all of this shit in. So anyways, I put her to bed, and I was watching her on the little video, and then I went out on my back porch, and I smoked arguably the best cigar of the year. It was just perfect, you know, it was Thanksgiving, it was an event. So there was no guilt of like, look at me smoking a cigar, what am I some, bum at a track? I said I smoked it, it was fucking delicious, delicious. So couldn't

have gone any better. And just when I thought my weekend couldn't get any better, I decided to watch every college fucking football game, I could get my eyeballs on. And I did. And did I see some great ones who please tell me, please tell me you son of a bitch, that you fucking sat down and you watched the war on I four interstate four that runs between the two underrated cities of Tampa in Orlando, Florida. They don't get any respect. You know, you got to be on the east coast and south of Lake Okeechobee to get any respect in Florida. And even then they still laugh at you. If you're living in Fort Lauderdale, right? You're up north on Daytona Beach. They all know you're doing meth, right? You got to be down in Miami. I got a buddy of mine for Shaw. He's

going to be on my shows out there in Florida. I'm doing a show in Hollywood, Florida and in Orlando, going to a magic game in between, knocking off another team. And he's a Miami guy. So I was trashing him. I was making fun of Miami. I was like, dude, every guy in Miami is either a drug dealer or a promoter or both. I know that isn't true, but I just like trash in places that I enjoy going to. Who doesn't like Miami? Anyways, so Interstate four runs between Tampa and Orlando. And I watched that game. That game was fucking, it was like watching a video game. I can't even remember what the fucking score was. It was like 4235. And I got to tell you something. It was some of the fastest, most athletic, two of the fastest, most athletic teams

I've seen in a long time. I don't know if they're not division one. I don't know what their deal is. I don't know where they are, but I know this. I've seen a lot of like good players come out of South Florida, Central Florida. So I don't know what happened. Maybe they fucked up in high school, you know, punched a teacher. I don't know what happened, but these guys look like they could take on anybody. Granted, they're the same. I don't fucking know. It looked great. Okay. Everybody was flying around the field. So, you know, there was very few white people out there. You know what I'm saying here. So I'm watching this game. It's 4235. And Central Florida is trying to be the first team ever in that conference or whatever to ever, to ever go

winless and within two years go undefeated. So they have a chance to do it. They go up 42, like 35 or some shit. And there's like a minute and a half left. Right? What are you going to do? You're going to go into the pre-vend. You're going to give up the whole, the first fucking 80 yards. And then you're going to go into, then you're going to start finally playing defense, right? You know, I hate the fucking prevent defense. Well, guess, guess what Central Florida does? Evidently they didn't go into the prevent because inexplicably somehow this fucking guy got behind their defense with a minute and a half left for like a 70, 80 yard touchdown, which by the way, it was like a 20 yard pass. And then he just ran 50 yards. So I immediately tweet in all caps,

how the fuck do you let that happen? As I'm finishing the tweet and hitting send, it's now tied 42, 42 South Florida kicks the fucking ball off. A stunned stadium of Central Florida fans are watching going, can we at least get down to field goal position? Did we just fucking blow our whole season? Fucking do it on Central Florida catches the ball, that kick off and ran the fucking thing back. So then I had to tweet again, how the fuck do you let that happen? So now it was like 49, 42, I'm sure I got the score wrong was they both in the 40s. And then I'm sitting there going, those two plays are so fucked up, they did easily Central Florida could run this fucking ball back of South Florida, I should say. They didn't and the game

ended, but Jesus Christ, what an entertaining game. And then the next day I watched Michigan, Ohio State, and then I watched the iron bowl and watched Auburn beat Alabama. And watching Michigan versus Ohio State, I've come to the conclusion that I fucking hate quarterbacks who run. I hate a running quarterback. I just can't fucking stand it. You know, I don't think it should be legal for a quarterback to run. All right. Or if you run, then you get treated like a running back. This whole fucking thing that you can wait till everybody, everybody covers, they called the right defense, nobody's open, and then you can just take off running when nobody's fucking looking. That's all well and good, but you should get stuck.

But it's all like he gave himself up, he threw himself on the ground, leave him alone. Leave him alone. Fuck you. Fuck you. If you're going to take off running, you should get stuck. Either that or keep your fucking, fucking running around ass behind the goddamn line. It's fucking driving me crazy. I'm a Michigan fan, so I'm watching that shit. And Michigan's fucking defense was lights out and that fucking cunt kept running eight yards, nine yards. Guy couldn't complete a pass. He couldn't feel pressure, but he could fucking run. And then when he ran, they had to be like, oh, he's a quarterback. If I was coaching for the other team, I'd be like, listen, hit the fucking guy. Take the, take the penalty. I don't give a shit.

I'm not saying deliberately integer him, but fucking hit him. I don't care. No, it drives me up. It drives me up the congratulations to a house. I don't hate how I have stayed away. I'm just more of a Michigan fan. And Michigan's just in a weird year. I don't know what their deal is. I mean, they, they don't have a, their quarterback. I hate trash and college players because they're still kids or whatever, but he could have had a better game. He was a little amped up in the beginning and I don't know what happened on that last play. I think, uh, miscommunication, maybe the guy broke off the pattern or whatever. Cause he just fucking threw it to the guy, but, um,

Jim Harbaugh, oh, in three, oh, in three against Ohio state. You're telling me his wife had a good fucking weekend. He comes home with this fucking Woody Hayes glasses all steamed up. But Jesus Christ at defense, Michigan's defense was great. Um, and how about that kid that came in after, uh, Ohio state's quarterback went down. He played great and he could throw the ball. He could throw the ball and run. Um, so maybe they got a future with him. I have no idea. And then I, you know, my, I got a buddy, Jay Lawhead is a big Ohio state guy. So he's always arguing the case as to why Ohio, Ohio state should be in the fucking playoff. Every, he did it to me last year, fucking talking to me of, he tried to explain to me how

Ohio state should be in, in the, the, the, the 14 playoff. And it's like, dude, they lost to Penn state Penn state won the big 10 championship. Penn state doesn't make it in, but Ohio state does. He goes, yeah, I'll tell you why. Strength of schedule. He fucking does all the fucking math. And then what happens? They play Clemson and they get the old right there fret, right? 31 to nothing. And you know, somebody else should have been in there. So I love Jay. He was doing that to me again the other day via texts. And I'm just laugh at thinking like, dude, he's always talking about how Alabama stinks and there's nobody fucking in the SEC. It's like the big 10 sucks. The big 10 still sucks. It's not that good. Penn state was overrated. They were overrated. They lost to a

house state. That was a huge fucking win. And then the very next week, what happened? Ohio state beats Penn state. The next fucking week, Penn state loses to Michigan state and Ohio state gets fucking raped, raped by fucking Iowa. So I don't know. He's always talking about how weak the SEC is. It's like, do you get the fuck out of here? Look at the big 10. Jesus Christ. How many teams you got laying down every week? Rutgers, Indiana, Purdue, Northwestern, fucking Minnesota. I hate to say Nebraska, but they're no good. That's six fucking teams right there. Michigan state is always half ass. Oh man, I'm going to get some fucking mail this week. And Michigan isn't that good. They're still trying to put it together. So who the fuck are you playing out there? I don't get it,

you know? Look at fucking Auburn. Auburn beat Georgia when Georgia was number one and now they beat Alabama when Alabama was number one. So Alabama is number one. They take a loss in the last game of the season. So now they out the whole fucking thing is just, it's just a, a, a symptom of the game. You can't have the March madness because everybody would be getting concussions and ruining million dollar fucking careers. So this is the best system we got. So I guess it creates arguing, but I got to tell you that what a fucking week just the college football was fucking amazing. Then I watched a little bit and I never watched pack 12. I watched a little of that Washington, Washington state. Jesus Christ, a bunch of players on those

teams too. And for some reason, my wife just let me do it. You know, it's funny, you know, we actually, we went out shopping after the Michigan fucking Ohio State game and I was so fucking pissed. I was so fucking pissed because I just felt like Michigan, they had a better defense, they should have won. And they just kept doing that little cunty fucking eight yard scamper for a first down to keep the fucking drive alive. It was driving me crazy. And then, I don't know, when we just went out, I just like, you know, I don't know why I get that into games, but, you know, my, my wife could sense it. I just said, yeah, listen, I just fucking, you know, I just watched a game. I did not like the outcome, right? Jesus Christ. All right. So then we're walking

around. Okay. We're with all these people like, you know, Christmas shopping and shit. And, you know, there was this group of fucking Asian people. I don't know. I don't know. They were, for whatever reason, we're walking down the sidewalk like 17 people across. And we were behind them and they were walking like half a mile an hour. I don't know if they just got done eating Thanksgiving dinner. I don't know what it was, but I was having what this comic I used to know. John Bush used to call it walk rage instead of road rage. He used to do this great bit about having walk rage in New York City. And I was just sitting there like, how the fuck do you not? I mean, I get it. There's a whole family. They were with their grandparents, you know, and Asian people respect their elders.

It did not like Americans. Well, we would have thrown those old people in the home and we would have picked up the pace when we walked down the street. So I was trying to respect their culture, but at the end of the day, I'm selfish. So I was just like, what the fucks we finally get by him. And my daughter didn't want to be in the fucking stroller. So I got her out and I'm carrying in my ribs of fucking talking to me. And one of my shoulders is fucked up. I'm a mess, right? I'm like, you know, I'm like a fucking journeyman quarterback right now. I'm like Steve Grogan at the end of his career. I should have been walking around like that fucking neck brace. So I'm already grumpy. And then this lady's kid is having a fucking temper

tantrum and was stopped at the at the red light waiting to walk across the street. And this kid is hitting this fucking note that is making my ears, which are junk from playing drums, vibrate in this painful way that's making my teeth hurt. So Nia goes, Hey, we can cross up here. And right as I do that, the fucking woman with the screaming kid heard it too and started following me. And she, as they say in aviation, she was a beam, my fucking left ear drum, which means just right alongside of it. And I just, I was walking away and I couldn't see she was right, but I couldn't understand why it wasn't getting quieter. And then she came, I turned around, I saw that she was following us up there. And I just, I, I, I snapped, I snapped. I was under my breath going, Jesus,

fucking Christ, can you just fucking get that fucking kid to fuck away from me? I was going, Nia, stop, just let him go past Jesus fucking. It was completely irrational. I was 100% wrong. But it was just all those things building up. And like I said, I already walk around it as six. So it's very easy for me to get back up to a tent. So Nia stopped talking to me. And then I was like, here we go. You know, and then I was a baby about it. I'm like, Oh, really? Really? I showed up for football game. I'm driving over here. We just bought this. I did this. I took the fucking garbage out. Just because I drop a bunch of F bombs in public about some other woman's crying kid. You know, I did the dishes. That's not a push. That's not a wash. You know, I thought

like, I thought that all balanced it out. So, you know, I put up a good fight in the ride home. And then I find just a mess. Like, yeah, right, you're right. I'm just arguing because I know you're right. And I'm embarrassed. I shouldn't have done that. What are you, what are you gonna do? I mean, they wrote a song about me a long time ago. I'm not a perfect person. Yeah, I don't know why I did that. You know something, I would go to fucking anger management, but I just don't feel like telling my stories all over again. I've already gone to therapy. I just don't, you know, I'm gonna retell these fucking things. You know, I'm gonna reboot it like fucking full house on Netflix.

Oh, she's got to have it. They just keep rebooting shit, doing the same shit over again. I'm gonna do that. Tell these fucking stories all over. I'm sick of my stories. That was part of my argument too. I was just like, you know, Nia, this is, you know, something, this is who I am. This is what I do. Okay. I'm really good at being a comedian. I make a great living. We have a great life, but every once in a while, I'm gonna drop a bunch of F bombs because of babies crying. Okay, that's who I am. And you know something, I usually, babies crying usually makes me laugh because I'm usually on a plane when they start crying and

they're expressing exactly what I'm feeling. And it's just like, it's like a great comedy. It's just like, dude, I hear you. That's exactly what the fuck I'm feeling. I don't know, just all built. How state beat Michigan. Then there was the hands across America Asian family that I couldn't get around. And there was like 20,000 other fucking things going on too. It was just like, it was a shit show. And I fucking hate Christmas shopping. But by the way, dude, I've crushed it this year. All my nieces and nephews all have presents. They're all wrapped. And I'm mailing them out to respective families this week. Okay. Hey, Santa, go fuck yourself. I beat you by four weeks. Granted, you have to deliver it to the whole world. But you know, whatever,

whatever. Santa's the number one seat. I'm like a 16th seed. I got into the dance though. No, I'm a third way. Yeah, 16th seed in the bracket. That's right. Right. Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Let's do, please, please buy tickets to the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. So we can do this again. We'll get some surprise guests, hopefully I'm reaching out to some big names, nudge, nudge, wink, wink. All right, me undies, everybody. All right. All right. Oh, shit. Yeah, I guess I got to sing a song. But do, do, do me undies, me undies, losing my shit over crying, baby, but do, do, do me undies, me undies. Why didn't you join the Navy? Because I'm scared of the fucking ocean.

But I would have fought a shark not to listen to that fucking baby. Sorry. I don't know. I'm all over the map. Every year, millions of people receive. That was it. Yeah, I just, I fucking snapped. I don't always know when Nia is not going to talk to me anymore, because not only does she not talk to me anymore, she gets this look on her face. So I start looking at the side of her face and I'm just like, oh, that's that look. I know that look. Oh, I know what she's doing. She's rewinding 20 years of her life going, how the fuck did I end up with this guy? All right, me undies, every year, millions of people receive the least light gift of all time underwear. But we still give it up to our family or in our loved ones who just don't want it.

But by the way, what is that fucking underwear that they, that they sell? Oh, shit. Look who's here. Oh, come on on the podcast. I was talking about how when I got mad at the baby. Oh, Jesus, the look just came right back. Huh? You're still shaking your head over that? Yeah. She didn't hear me. It doesn't matter. I heard you. Oh, sorry. I heard you. I didn't like it. You want to, can you sing the me undies jingle about what an asshole I am? Hmm. But do, do, do me undies, me undies. He's a fucking douche. Me undies, me undies. What have you got to lose? What are you doing? You're doing this. Do, do, be, do. It's me undies,

me undies, no more sweaty balls. We really mean it. Yeah, you got that part. Whatever. You're right. Okay. Every year, millions of people. What's what the, if you see, does it gross you out that guy's underwear commercial with a like no pinch, no stink, no something or other. And it's always some fat red neck dude. It's like, I don't want to know that your taint smells like deer urine, because you just got back from the forest or whatever those fucking people do. I mean, it's for, it's for a practical purpose. It's not supposed to be sexy. It's not supposed to be inviting or whatever. It seems to be like for fat white guys. It's definitely for white guys. Fat white guys. I mean, they draw on the guy. He's fat. He's not even husky. Yeah, he's a little

thick. He's fat. Yeah, I guess he's fat. Do you want that crawling on top of you? I don't mind a husky fella. Really? All right. We must not like how I'm looking because I'm crushing it lately. I am way for thin. I told you not to get too skinny. You should still have a little, you know, not something to hold on to because that's weird. Yeah, that is weird. But like, don't get so like you get, you just get so, you really do get manneristic. Like, you get so like upset. No, I don't. Yeah, this is the fucking weight I was when I came into this business. And people weren't like, Oh my God, your manner, Rex is that you, what it is, is you get used to what I look like after eating, drinking a thousand fucking classes of booze and pizza.

That's all beer and pizza. Then if I actually get to the weight that I'm supposed to be, you're like, Oh my God, you look sick. My heart is psyched right now. I never said you look sick. You said, I look like I have AIDS. Don't you, Bill, that's not even funny. I would never say that. Don't tell people I said that on the pot. You said it and you made a sign and you held it up in the kitchen. No, I did not. See, he's exaggerating. No, what did you say? No, I'm sorry. You said you want, do you want some roll aides? Yeah, not those illos and assets. I see what you're saying. I thought you said you had AIDS. All right. Oh my God. Ikea, tip of the week.

Meandies, meandies, no more blood disease. All right, but maybe it's not that underwear is the problem. It's the kind of underwear. Let me tell you about meandies. It's the only underwear that's made for an amazing gift. Soft, flexible waistband. All right, meandies, I love you guys, but who's kidding who? This is a stocking stuffer. Don't lead with this. Okay, this gift is not batting clean up. This is a nice little soft landing. I got you the fucking thing you wanted and here you go. The underwear is very soft though. Hey, Nia, all I'm going to get you for Christmas is meandies. How do you feel about that? I would love some meandies. No, that's all you're getting. No, I want more than that. Why? Because I don't want just underwear. Thank you. And when I give you

the underwear, where should I put it? A birage. I didn't lob that over the neck. And it's a stocking stuffer. Sorry, I'm too close to the mic here. It's three copies. It's all for dollars. Why don't you get a microphone? All right. I just so you won't be off mic. So people can hear you and I can also get through the by the way, people can hear me just fine. Like people tweet me that that they can hear me while you're sitting there be like, people get to hear you. You're used to screaming into a microphone, which is hilarious to me because a microphone is meant to amplify your voice. It's meant to carry it. But you like, like, yeah, yeah, I'm criticizing you. Yeah, I'm threatening you. Good. Sit down here then.

All right. Well, you got to get another microphone. The microphone's in the other room. All right. Did you know me on these is three times softer than cotton? It's very soft. That's very soft, isn't it? Is that horse muzzle soft? Me on these. That's my favorite touch. Like the yeah, I don't know what you call it. What do you call it when you have a favorite thing that you like to touch? If you said this on our first date, there wouldn't have been a second date. Oh, that's my, that's my favorite touch. What do you call it when there's a thing you like to touch? But a horse muzzle is like my favorite things. Other than our baby's beautiful face. Oh, God, the undies made underwear the perfect gift that

everyone is going to love you for. It's a goddamn holiday miracle. This year, they have that right in the copy. This year, give the gift of me undies this holiday season to get your exclusive 20% off the softest underwear and socks you'll ever wear free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee go to me undies.com slash bird. That's me undies.com slash bird. All right. I told you, Joe Barton told me about that homeless guy. He ran into a Milwaukee. No. He came up to homeless guy. This is his joke to make you laugh, to give him money. He came up to me. Yeah. He goes, Hey, did you hear Bob Barker died? And Joe goes, what? He goes, yeah, he got hit by a new car. That's so stupid. Joe laughed. I was like,

it is a buck. All right. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Dollar Shave Club ships amazing razors for a few bucks. What you might not, Bob Barker's not Ted, right? I don't know. I hope not. And I really hope he wasn't hit by a car. Well, he definitely wasn't hit by a car. TMZ would have been over there telling you, reading the fucking VIN number. Dollar Shave Club ships amazing razors for a few bucks. What you might not know is that Dollar Shave Club also has products for pretty much everything else you need in the bathroom, man. Body wash, shampoo, hair, gel, pube clippers, lip balm, everything. They don't have pube clippers. Now you don't have to step foot. You could

shave your pubes with their razors. I mean, no one's telling you not to. No one's telling you to either. Certainly not here on the podcast. I know that head moves to go around your chin. I don't know if you want to fuck with your junk. Start the year off right. Shave your shaft and your balls. You heard it here. Don't do that. We do not condone that. Jokes made on the podcast are not to be taken seriously. Do not reflect the views of the advertisers. The illiterate reader here. All right. Now you don't have to step foot in a store to get high quality shave and grooming products. Dollar Shave Club delivers them right to your door. Just like their razors,

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There is. You don't have to wipe your whole ass. You're just wiping the whole. Yeah. Just one wipe and you're good with that. You're confident to pull up your underwear and your drawers and just walk around. Not thinking you're going to be a little... Now you should go over a couple times. Yeah, you should. One-wipe charlies. How about fucking four-wipe eddies? A little swirl there. You will...

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Wait, can I just say something? Just about the whole shaving thing, especially for Dollar Shave Club, are these real razors? Are they Gillette style? Why wouldn't they be real razors? And why did you just name their competition in the middle of it? First of all, this Coca-Cola. Does it taste like Pepsi? No, it's a toy, Nia. It doesn't even do the job. They're just doing this for fun. No, no. I'm saying, is it like, what do you call it? The blades that you put them in the thing, and then you open the handle? It's not a safety razor.

That's what I mean. It's like the one I shape my head with. Okay, gotcha. Okay. No, I just wanted to say because for the safety razor... Nia, these people have been advertising for a long time. Please don't ruin this for me. I've lost so much advertising on this. Can we just... Don't poke... This is the golden goose here. Them and Stamps.com. They have ride or die. They don't give a fuck what I say. I love me undies. I love Dollar Shave Club. I love Stamps.com. I love them all.

Who else do you love? You love old zip. All right, Stamps.com. With the holiday almost here, it is, it just was Thursday, right? Thanksgiving. That's a holiday. Santa's at the mall. It's time to go. Santa's at the mall. Who has time to go to the post office? It'll be busy with people sending holiday cards and gifts. So do what we do. Use Stamps.com instead. I'm so stupid. I never thought to do this. I only do with my posters. Why don't I send out all those gifts using Stamps.com?

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scale without long-term commitments. Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in burr. That's Stamps.com, enter burr, B-U-R-R. All right, with that, let's read some of the some of the letters from my listeners here. If I'm listening, it's baggy, right? Ooh, ooh, ooh. The last two. The last two. I'm reading all of these. I read all of them. This is still going on 20 minutes. Hey, what's your rush? Okay, relax. Sit down. Take it easy, okay? Okay, baby, all right. Okay, baby, all right. Okay, all right. Progressive rock. Oh, by the way, fuck you, Australia. Whoa. Yes. Fuck that whole country for not telling me about the wonderful Australian group. See what I did there? I got everybody down there. All right, what's this

fucking shrimp on the bobby? How do they talk down there? I know it is. It's also a country and it's an island. They don't know what they want to be. How the fuck do you have all these weeks I've been asking you for a great fucking new band? My drum teacher just told me about this band, Carnival. Sound Awake. I listened to that album. Jesus, fucking Christ, what a band. They're amazing. I cannot recommend. That's the one. I don't know. Any of their other albums, that's the one I got. Sound Awake. They're fucking drummer. I gotta get the guy's name right now. What is his name? I've been so listening to that album, I didn't even look up the drummer's name. It's fucking amazing. Where is it? What are you doing? I'm looking at all the windows you have open

Why are women so fucking nosy? That is so creepy. I'm just curious. What was I looking up, cunt with a K? Maybe. Carnival, drummer. Carnival. That's how it's spelled. Do they pronounce it carnival or carnival? Steve Judd. Jesus Christ, that guy's a beast. Incredible, incredible. Top to bottom. Everybody in that band. Singer, guitar player, bass player, the whole fucking thing, the drummer. Unbelievable. Please download that. Listen to it. Tell me how much you love it. Australia, you got any more bands like that? Or what are you holding out for? Every week, I'm fucking sitting here like a little kid on Christmas, but no presents. Just asking them. Oh. They don't tell me anything. Oh, they don't. I go down. I like Torey,

go all the way out to Perth, and what thanks do I get? Oh, Australia, that's not cool. Yeah, that fucking album came out in 2010. Why are they treating me like that, Neo? Why? Oh, I don't know. All right. Anyways. It's so nice when we went out there. Anyways, shout out to Little Creatures Beer. Can we read the ones that I feel like I'm going to be able to jump in on first, and then I can leave, and you can do the other ones that I don't care about? Can't wait. The last two. Progressive Rock. Oh. I know you don't give a fuck about that. I'll read that one. All right. Emily Linden tweets. You don't want to do this one? No. I don't know. All right. Who was Emily Linden? I didn't know who she was either.

She's somebody on the Twitter sphere. Okay. Who is she? She's got social media. She tweeted some shit about, I don't know, some shit. I don't know. Okay. Hey there, Billy Fair Trail. I imagine you've been sent this article many times over the last week. I hadn't. Here's an excerpt from an article about what the writer for Teen Vogue tweeted. Here's an unpopular opinion. I'm not actually all that concerned about innocent men losing their jobs over false sexual assault slash harassment allegations. The benefit of all of us getting to finally tell the truth, plus the impact on victims, far capitals, far outweighs the loss of any one man's reputation. She said, adding, if some innocent men's reputation have

to take a hit in the process of undoing the patriarchy, that is the price I am absolutely willing to pay. It's hilarious. You're not paying a price in that, that the innocent guy is. The most cognitive, because I say the word, it's so stupid, critique of Linden came from CNN anchor Jake Tapper. The lead host tweeted, well, this is CNN. There's bad as Fox News. I'm guessing you didn't get a good grade for your seventh grade book report on Tequila Mockingbird, referencing the classic novel that features the trial of a black man falsely accused of rape in the 1930s, Alabama. You said, if some innocent men's reputation have to take a hit in the process of undoing the patriarchy, that is a price they am absolutely willing to pay. That's immoral,

Tapper wrote, and it's not a price you would be paying, by the way. It would be an innocent men doing that. All right. He said, my wife is back to the guy writing, my wife is black, and she has a cousin who served six months in jail for being falsely accused of rape. He lost his academic, not sports scholarship, and has been having trouble getting his life back on track since having his conviction overturned from being physically and emotionally abused in jail. She said, that is she ever, all right, she said that if she ever saw this woman in public, she, and I quote, slapped the shit out of that irresponsible cunt. Bill, I've never heard of used the C word or even threatening violence against anyone. It's like that line. Now you're

just going in a completely different direction. That line from Batman, the dark night, you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. All right. You're all over the place. I don't know what's going on here. What do I think? I think that's the tweets of somebody young. And then also it's kind of seems that it's a little WWE wrestling, grandstanding, knowing, there's no way you write that, not knowing, you know, it's like watching now, the notorious guy there and the MMA guy, the crazy shit he says, he knows what he's doing. Yeah. And then everybody's like, he's too cocky. I want to watch him lose. And then then he wins and he gets your money. I think that that's, I think that's all this is.

This is white feminism. So that's pretty much Weminism. Yeah. I mean, that's pretty much, this is why people don't like being labeled feminist because of stuff like that. Elaborate. No, that's all I'm going to say about it. I feel like nobody white knows what you're talking about, but everybody black right now does. Oh my God, was that shade? Am I woke? Yeah. I mean, that's just one of those, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, what do you know? Well, that's how she feels. That's how she feels. What am I supposed, am I supposed to actually like, like respond to that? Like that's like some sort of rational human being. What do you think about this person foaming at the mouth?

I don't know. They remind me of myself. What do you think of this? Complete. Yeah. And yeah, can I make this any more easier for you? I love how you only wanted to fucking respond to the ones that were easy. And then when I give you a chance to respond, you're like, you're like, Bill Belichick. Well, you know, she's a white feminist. I know. Because you know, but I, but I can elaborate. I can get into these next. Elaborate. I don't want to. I don't want to. Why? I don't know. Maybe I am being a wuss, but I just, yeah, it's, that's, I don't know. There's really no other way for me to explain it than to say that that's, it's just you, it's a level of not, not, not, they're not naive. They're not

like maybe just in a bubble or something, just like so sheltered. So it's like all they can focus on is like the one thing, you know what I mean? And they just can't quite grasp. Well, that's that joke I do in my act. When, when, like when I listen to feminists, like it's hard for me to listen to white women in the United States of America complaining, like going, you know, you know what it's like to be me, uh, slightly less awesome than what my life is like. If you look at the big picture, um, I'm sure this seems to be a giant gap between me and you, but if you look at everybody else's situation, we're kind of sitting on the same stone here. So why don't you buy a run around there, lady? All right. I'm sorry.

Am I a rebound chump? Is this good, Nia? Is this in your wheelhouse? Yeah, I think so. Keep going. You'd be a great president. This is what presidents do now. They like, they, they basically, I don't like the way that guy asks questions. Let's bring this person in. You don't have time for everything. So you gotta, you gotta weed through. Oh, I, I do have time for all of these. You don't have time. I'm talking about me. Yeah, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about me. Can we read this one? This one looks good. Okay. All right. Am I a rebound chump? Probably. Dear Billy Forehead, you're saying all this funny shit off the mic. I'm telling you, but they, they say, and they can hear you. Okay. I said, I said probably.

All right. The time, yeah, the time is gone. All right. Huge fan of your comedy and podcast. Did you hear that, Nia? Huge fan of my comedy. Huge, huge, huge, greatest, greatest comedian ever. Gonna do stand up on a golf course with my own name attached to it. I wonder what Donald Trump would think of your podcast. I mean, I don't care what he thinks about anything, but I wonder what he would think about your podcast. As far as what? I don't know. Like, do you think he would be into it or not? Even though you trash him, you trash everybody. I think he's busy running the country. I don't think he's listening to fucking- No, he's clearly not. By the way that he tweets, he's clearly not that fucking busy. He's not that busy. Who has time to tweet the petty shit that

he does? He's got time. That's what's great about Twitter. It takes two seconds. Somebody else is doing all the actual stuff. He's just sitting there like, you know, the, what do you call it, the spot? Like, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck. He's just- He's working. He's got me all- He's working. Obama works. Bill Clinton works. Yeah, he had that cigar. He worked it right up. I just get all flustered. I can't even speak straight. Anyway, come on. Am I a rebound chump? Is Trump really that bad? Dear Billy Forehead. Sorry, I just like getting me going. I just like getting going. Really? I mean, I don't- Yeah, you got to give the guy a chance. Because it was hot as fuck in here. Oh. You're usually the one who runs hot. I know. I know.

No, I know. Am I a rebound chump? Yeah, shut the fucking thing off. Jesus Christ. This is why it takes forever. The second you bring a woman into your fucking thing, like, if you're going to leave the house, everything has to be perfect. My feet are together. Rub them together like you're always are. I need a blankie. Are we ready? Okay. Yes. Huge fan of your comedy in the podcast. Hearing you shoot the shit every week obviously makes me laugh, but also gives me insight on other things. Anyways, it's hard to find. All right. I get too many compliments. Thank you. I'm at this girl who's probably the best

looking chick. I've ever been with. And her personality so far looks just as good. We are both in college in neighboring states, but we hang out a couple of times a week on average. Things have been going great for the past two months. We have traveled around her state and she has shown me places I have never seen. I did not expect anything to bloom like it has and was originally content with just being friends who fuck. However, after getting to know her better, she definitely seems like someone I could stick around with for a while and maybe even date. But what are you guys doing now? Sightseeing? He just said they're hanging out. Oh, just hanging out. Okay. Sorry. Well, if I have to read and also listen to what I'm saying, I can't do that.

The only thing is... That's called reading comprehension, baby. Yeah, I'm not good at it. The only thing she has... One thing at a time. Yeah. The only thing she has an ex who I suspect she's still hoping will come back. All right. Incident one on our second date, quote, she rented a movie on Amazon on her ex's account and got a text from him asking what that was about. He fucking texted her about an Amazon movie. Wow. Why? What is she doing? Nice. That's some bullshit right there. You know, good and goddamn well, you can't order on your ex's account. They're still paying for that. She's a little minxedy, this one. She seemed delighted that he was forced to communicate with

her and she wired him money and said sorry. Incident number two. So he's obviously broken up with her. So fucking dramatic. You ready? Okay. Incident number two. She originally stated that they broke up back in February, but one night she let it slip that they had actually broken up in August just a couple months ago. I acted like I didn't notice. After banging one night, she starts joking about having a baby and what features it would have. I have brown hair as does she and she remedy says the baby could be blonde, the color of her ex's hair. She then went on to say her ex's name was one of her favorite names for a boy. Jesus Christ, dude. This is like getting ridiculous to the point. I'm starting to not believe it. Thankfully,

she waited until I finished or my dick and balls would have deflated immediately during all this baby slash ex talk. Incident number four. Jesus Christ, buddy. Exhibit 1995. She still uses her ex's Amazon Prime account to watch movies, but on two occasions, she began snooping through his order history right in front of me, either unaware of how off-putting that is or simply not giving a shit. Disrespectful to myself and the ex in my opinion. Another confusing twist is that she gets pissed off and sad if I refer to her as my friend. We're not in an official relationship, so this would suggest that she is at least kind of interested. But with all this stuff going on about her ex, I think she might just like the attention I provide and think she may be

stringing me along. She is also randomly accused me of using her for attention and having other hoes, neither of which are true. Sorry for this long email. It's hard to put all this bullshit into words, which you are great at. He's in the emotional side of this. Maybe me just reading what you just wrote out loud will be enough. If the lovely Nia is nearby, I would love to hear her take as well. Thanks and go for a jog once in a while. All right. What do you got it? Yeah, this girl is fucking crazy and she's not over her ex and she is using you to get jealous. And if you don't mind banging her because she's hot and all that and letting it go, then fine. But if you're starting to catch feelings, I would bail. Wow. You said that nice and quick.

I agree with all of that. I concur. That's exactly it. If you could somehow not get emotionally tied to her and just keep banging her. She is disrespectful as fuck. She is incredibly disrespectful. She does not care about you at all. The things that she is saying and doing in front of you is so ridiculous. How are you going to lie in bed with someone and be like, you know, when I have a baby, I end up this Caleb because this is also like some white girl shit. Caleb, I just feel like it would be the perfect name for a boy and he's just sitting there like, are you serious? Like your ex boyfriend? Oh, yeah. You know what? This could be a great rude. He should just, I don't know. I think you should just say something. Listen,

but this is one of these people that you don't even say anything to him because it's not going to, they're not going to sit there and be like, wow, I guess you're right. I really shouldn't have done that. This person's not going to give a fuck. So whatever, man, you got to bang a hot chick and she's not over the other guys. Who gives a fuck? Thank God you didn't marry her though, dude. And thank God that other guy broke up with her because she seems, I don't know, granted, it's all you, you're talking. And she has the nerve to be mad at him when he called, when he introduces her as a friend. She has the fucking nerve to get mad after all that craziness that she's putting him through. Uh-uh, get out of here. This is classic hot chick, crazy hot chick behavior though.

This is classic crazy. I told, I told, I think I told it two weeks ago that hot chick I met at the gym and she kept giving me a number and she wanted to go out and I kept trying to get her up and she wouldn't go out with me. Then finally she picks a date and yeah, come over. We can hang out Saturday and she goes, oh, I'm moving. Can she want me to help her move? And I just burst it out laughing. I'm not fucking doing that. And she had some other chump who came over there too. It was going to be the two of us standing there like, maybe if I pick up something heavier, and fuck me. I was just like, she's all yours, buddy. Yeah. I mean, I can knock the hassle, but that's incredibly rude. Yeah, that's the thing. That's why that right there, that statement,

I can't knock the hustle, but that's incredibly rude. That's funny. That's why, oh, you're just being funny. Honestly, that's, that's why I, I, I get all that, that, that male feminism horseshit. Were they just sitting there drinking the fucking Kool-Aid like women just, you know, there aren't as many, just as many fucking absolute sociopaths psychos that have vaginas out there is it's not drinking the Kool-Aid. They're just saying what they think women want to hear and then they turn out to be fucking assholes. So Jesus, you just really get cut to the chase. So cut to the chase here. I'm trying to do an hour here. You just fucking bang, bang, boom, done. All right, girlfriend wants plastic surgery. How do you feel about that title, Nia? Is this an easy enough class for you?

Yes, I'm excited to hear this. Hello, Bill, big fan of your work. Could use some lady advice here. All right. Is this a lady? No, no. Oh, some lady advice. Sorry. My girlfriend has been dropping hints for months, months now, about getting plastic surgery, nose and boob job, bump, bump, bump, boom, boom. While, while she looks perfect in my eyes, she said she hates her, her, her Jew knows in her tiny tits. She has big, she has big B-sized cup. She has a B-sized cup. Sorry, that's me. Bra, whatever the fuck it's called. Witch, like, not witch, W-H-I-C-H. This is witch on a broom. Witch is all I need. I tried to ignore it for as long as I could. Now she says she wants it for Christmas. Two fake press, one nose job. Sorry. Oh, that was a good joke. Can you shush me?

Sorry. Baby's sleeping. Sorry. In a bag of fucking tampons. On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three fucking remove no moles, two boob jobs, one bleach asshole. In a bag of Botox, in a pear tree. Come on, let's do the plastic surgery. On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me four corrected hammer toes, three remove no moles, two fake tits, and a bleach asshole in a pear tree. I can't fucking do it. Five inches off my pussy lips. They hung down too far, one bleach asshole, two and some Botox in a pear tree. Nick, can you get me hair plugs for Christmas? I thought you were going to go all the way to 12. On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave

to me. What would you get 12 things of? 12 stretch marks removed. There you go. 11 toofs bleached. Toof is bleached. You did two bleaches. Seven eyebrow hairs plugged. I don't know what to say. Nick, can you get me hair plugs for Christmas? But here's the thing. I just want them right down the center of my head. I want to grow a mohawk. Okay. Anyways, while she looks perfect, she says, okay, she's blah, blah, blah, but now she's saying she wants it for Christmas. She's Jewish though. Sorry. Or she's anti-Semitic. No, you know what? A lot of Jews celebrate Christmas. What do you mean anti-Semitic? Oh, yeah. Maybe she goes, I got one of them Jew noses. You know, they say like that. I want my tits to hang out the side of my overalls. You know, it's so stupid to act like only Southern

white people are racist. Now she's saying she wants it for Christmas. I told her she's perfect the way she is. I love you just the way you are. But she has low self-esteem. Which dude is W. H. I. C. H. Not which W. T. C. H. W. I. T. C. H. W. N. V. C. H. W. H. I. T. W. N. V. C. Yeah. No, it's W. H. I. C. H. Or W. I. T. C. H. I know. I'm doing private parts. W. N. V. C. Which he is probably why she uses why she's with my fat ugly ass to begin with. Oh, Jesus Christ. Both of you guys. I know you're both like just, you know, you have each other. Just rub your ugly bodies away. Oh, Nia. Wow, that close to the holidays. Am I a bad influence on you? You're never mean like that. That's fucking hilarious. People know that I'm nice. They just, you know,

I have my people like me. People like me. But I have, you know, I have my moments where I can be a little rude for no reason. Hey, well, this, he's describing it this way. I couldn't resist myself. Sometimes two negatives make a positive. They have a great looking kid. All right. We got into it the other night about it. And now she's saying she's not happy in her own skin. Oh God, she wants to be a dude. And if I truly loved her, then I should expect it. I should accept it and get it for her as a Christmas present since I'm, I was being a dick about dude. Fuck this chick. This chick wants to get her nose. She's trying to trade up. She's sick of your fat, ugly ass. She wants you to buy some fucking, save some of your cake money and spend it on a fucking tits or the nose, right?

And, oh, fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Okay, keep going, keep going. Said I haven't felt this way about a girl in a long time. I love her the way she is. And I don't want to see her fuck up her looks or her body. I don't know what to do here, Billy. Boy, any advice would be appreciated from you and the lovely Nia. Yeah, fuck this. Fuck this. I think you get out. You're saying he should break up with her? Get out. I don't think he should break up with her. I think he should help her with her self-esteem. Fuck that. What? You're just gonna give up on somebody you love because they have a low self-esteem and they're like freaking out about it? And no, you know something? I was, that was my advice until she said you should buy me that for

Christmas. That was wrong. You know, fucking expensive that is? Yeah, that's very expensive. No, no, dude, no, no. Is she watching reality TV? She's gonna try to get on Real Housewives, the fucking Des Moines, Iowa, wherever the fuck you guys were. No, she should really like, if she's really trying to do this, it's her body and it's her choice. She should pay for her. If she really, really wants to do it, she should save up her pennies or whatever it is, save up like $100 a week or whatever the fuck it is, cut out all this other stuff, bullshit that she's doing, going out with friends, going out with you, whatever the fuck, and she should save up for it and just be like, I don't feel comfortable paying for you to alter your body. That's not something

that I believe in. That's not something that I have the money for. It's like, this is your body, this is your choice and I support you either way. No, no, no, and I support you either way, but I don't feel comfortable paying for it. That was the sound of a dump truck backing up in the alley that you should just drop her in. Yeah, no, I love you, but this is not, I'm not doing this. I would get out. I don't feel comfortable. I gotta be honest. Because those are boundaries right there and that's not, that's not something you feel comfortable. And it is a thing too. You are perfectly well within your right to say no to that and if she has a problem with it then yeah, I guess she can bounce. No, and she's going to pass those slow self-esteem body

issues under your fucking kids. It's going to be a nightmare. She needs to go to therapy. Oh, I don't want the fuck she needs to do, but if I was you, fuck that, fuck that, fuck that. You need to sit me and you need to pay for it. Fuck you. Yeah, that's ridiculous. I would come over there. I would dress up like Santa Claus when I broke up with her. Oh, get the fuck out of my life. I'm spending all my money on me. And dude, you need, if you think you're fat and ugly, you can do something about the fat and you can get a fucking personality. So why don't you get all the money she wants you to spend on tits? Why don't you fucking get a trainer for yourself? Get a fucking trainer for yourself, dude.

Fucking move on from this train wreck. Give me a, oh, Jesus Christ. They almost ruined my fucking Thanksgiving. No, I'm just kidding. Anyways, don't listen to me. I'm not trying to tell you to fucking break up with it, but that, that, that's a major like, like what the fuck did you just say to me moment? You know, don't text during the goddamn podcast. What are you having? Somebody over? All right. It's my, it's my ex. I'm using his Netflix account right in front of you. So fucking deal with it. Yeah, with you would be, you know what I think is a great name. Lamont, um, Prague. I'm just trying to pick a stereotypical black name from way back in the day. There was nobody named Lamont, by the way, except that guy on, uh,

Samford and son. Abu, Abu. All right. Progressive rock. Hey, oh, Billy. Brewer, Ruford. Uh, glad to hear you're looking into more progressive rock. Like every genre of music, 99% of it is unimaginably derivative trash and 1% is really unique and well done. Yeah. Yeah. Like your perspective, your percentage might be a little harsh. I like to think 10% at least is good. Even the good stuff can be off-putting at first and just take some time to digest, uh, like good scotch. It might be harsh to most people at first, but if you put the time and you'll find a lot of interesting shit going on, uh, early generous Genesis is some of my favorite. Check out the tracks, the musical box. Watch, did she wake up? Okay. Uh,

Watcher of the Skies and Dancing with the Moonlit Night. The compositions are complex and beautiful and Phil Collins was really a perfect drummer. Yeah. He's one of my favorite drummers of all time. The band also had some amazing tracks like Close to the Edge, Uh, Heart of the Sunrise and Gates of Delirium. Bill Bruford was one of their first, was on one of their first few albums and was a beast. All right. You already mentioned King Crimson. They had some truly great song, but always had a few improvised stinkers on each album. Check out 21st century, Skitzoid Man, Lark's Tongues in aspect part two, and Starless. Bruford is drumming on two of those tracks. Finally, he got to get into Magma,

who was one of the, who has one of the best drummers to have walked the earth. I never heard of this guy, Christian Fander. It's really his band. He composed all of the music and their sound is totally unique. They sing in an alien language so you don't get distracted by stupid lyrics. But what about their alien language? That sounds like something, that sounds like a sketch Will Ferrell would be in. At almost 70 years old, Vander plays incredibly. They are so good live that I've flown to LA and London just to see them play in the past couple of years. Look, I'll have to check this out. Look up live videos of them playing the last seven minutes and zombies. Your drum teacher will vouch for them. Hey, easy, easy. I'm also psyched to hear you

mention Meshuggah. Oh yeah, they're unbelievable. They're another one that takes a lot of time to get a feel for. But once you figure out that almost all of their songs are in a strange kind of four four, they become one of the grooviest bands you've ever heard. And there's no coming back. Enjoy your foray into the weirdness of progressive music. You speckled asshole. That's a good one. Speckled asshole. That's a new one. Sonia, how was your Thanksgiving? It was delicious. I don't mean the meal. I mean, how was the weekend? Oh, it was great. Thank you. There you go, guys. That's what I come home to. Yeah. Rating positivity.

What? You just said that's what I come home to. I was like, great. Thank you. And you said, yeah, that's what I come home to. As if I was some big negative Nellie. No, you just sounded like I was asking for your autograph as you rushed through an airport. Great. Thank you. What did you want me to say? I just wanted you to throw a roll of paper towels at me. That's what you should have done. Stop it. Get away from me. Get away from me. Stop it. Get off of me. I will clean myself. Are we picking at me? You're a mother now. Go downstairs and go fucking pick at your daughter. She's sleeping. Isn't she beautiful? Oh, she's so beautiful. She is knocked out. You can hear her

breathing because she's got a little stuffy nose. I know. We had the best day, though. What did you guys do? We watched the end of the Patriots game. I watched the whole Patriots game. That's one of the reasons why I don't get overly excited about a nine and two record when you're playing the Miami Dolphins, which is already just a franchise that has been transitioning, trying to get to another level for fucking decades, it feels like. Jay Cutler isn't playing. It's just one of those games. We got three, four sacks, which are going to pad our numbers. Then we go into the playoffs and we go, hey, they got a decent pass rush. Teams like that will pad your fucking stats.

I got to tell you that backup quarterback was actually pretty good. But I just, and I love Indomitasu. I just, I don't feel he's a dirty player. I just think that that guy plays in the wrong era. He is, he is a fucking dick butt kiss, violent world of Sam Huff type of football player. He's just playing in the millennial age. I love that guy. Anyways, so we watched that. Then I started to watch some of the Rams Saints game, which was a great game. And then, you know, she had a running nose and stuff. So I was constantly having to deal with that. And then I read her some books. She liked that baby faces book. Yeah, she loves that book. I read that book to like five times.

Really? Yeah, she loves it. She likes it because you act it out. That's like, you know, yeah, but she gets the faces too that they're making, you know, like, like happy face and, you know, and then the laugh one, I'll be like, I go, I, you know, I go laugh and I'm like, she's looking at me going like, she laughs too. It's fucking awesome. That's her little like, she has like, she still has those, the big belly laughs, like when you really get her, you know, like, I got her yesterday, you know, but then she does that little, also, which is like, funny. No, but I got the belly blast yesterday when you were still mad at me. Did you hear how hard I was making her laugh? Yes, I did, actually. Yeah.

Wait, were you going to talk about that about your about what you're like completely, you know, being mad at the wrong person because you were upset about a game and like that. No, it really wasn't that what it was was I was carrying Lola and my ribs were killing me. Well, why did you hurt her in the stroller? I told you because she didn't want to be in the stroller. I know, but if she like has a moment where she's like, eh, she'll be fine. You keep it moving and she's fine. She's not one of those kids. She's not at that stage yet where she's just screaming for 10 minutes straight. That's not who she is. And plus she has to learn that you can't carry her all the time. Yeah, but no, but she also rode all the way over there in the car

and then we walked up the street. We come back down the street. She was like, I'm over it. You know, and they're strapped in like astronauts. So they eventually was like, get this fucking thing off me. I understand. It's like, yeah, I wouldn't like, I mean, I'd like to be wheeled around, but after that time we got stuck in the ride at six flags. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they feel like. Are you think so? Yeah, like, you gotta get out of here. Yeah, probably. I would think so. Anyways, we're like having a full on parent conversation right now in the podcast. Nobody cares about this. All right, sorry. Anyways, that's the podcast. Uh, happy Thanksgiving post Thanksgiving weekend to you. What?

But what did you say about being mad at that little boy when we were going down the street? What did I say? I don't know. When I came in, you were saying, you were just talking about it. Did you talk about, you talked about it? Oh, I was, then I was saying, I said, do I do this? Do I do that? And you're just going to make it dead? I realized I was being a baby because I was embarrassed with my behavior. There. Is that enough? Yeah. And she, and she sat down. You didn't say that. She sat down next to me afterwards. I was watching the late game and she's like, is this game going to make you upset? Oh my God. The amount of times that I swear to God that if you were a guy, I would just start swinging. That was one of those moments. No,

I wouldn't start swinging. I would have done the most guys do acted like I was going to swing and not you want to do this. Bring it. I'm not the one. You know what? I am the one. You can talk all the shit you want to. I'm an old man. Let's go, bro. You want to do this, bro? Yeah. You know what fucking frat boy white guys also do? They'll bite your ear off. Fucking lunatics, especially if their dad's a judge. Yeah, dude. Depends on like what fucking, yeah. Yeah. I stayed out of that world. I did not like that world at all. That world was fucked. When I came, the shit that they used to do to people during fucking hazing, the fucking stories, I'm telling you, the stories that fucking guys got from getting

hazed. Dude, it was fucking. What is the deal with white frat guys? A lot of guys can drink a lot, but they really make it like a competitive thing. I'm not talking about that. I'm not talking about that. We stuck a fucking carrot up his ass. The kid was screaming. I just want to remember, that was one of my first jokes in my standup act. Really? Yeah. People go, how many didn't join a frat? I was like, I don't know because I kind of got this thing about letting other guys shove fruit up my ass. They used to get a laugh back in the 90s because everybody, oh, that was like funny. Like, oh, hazing. Right. And now it's like people actually die from that. So. No, you don't die from that. Your soul's crushed. I'm not talking about them making you drink all the water

and all, you know, eat all these pancakes and then they die. That's millennial shit. I'm talking about what the fuck they used to do. They used to fucking beat the shit out of you and fucking ass rape you with fucking nuts. The stories I used to hear. Yeah. The shit I used to fucking hear that people used to do to each other. And I was just like, I used to always think that, and then what? Then you got to hang out with them afterwards. I'm not saying that always fucking happened, but dude, some of the shit, there's that one Ivy League school with it. There's some pew pan cake you have to fucking eat. And somebody finally said something about it. And all these older people, I think it was a Dartmouth or something. They were all mad like,

dude, I can't believe it's called. No, it's called the vomit. That's so disgusting. Why? Why? Why is that necessary to be in a group to do that sort of thing? Because they're fucking losers. Because you're exploiting somebody at a very weak moment in their life. They've left their parents. They need new friends they want to fill. And I always was just, yeah, I draw. You should hear the fucking stories. Some of my relatives weren't frat. Some of the shit they did to them took them outside. The dead of winter sprayed them with like a fire hose because somebody threw a bucket of paint on one of the older brothers or whatever, sprayed it with bucket paint. Yeah. Got like fucking pneumonia almost died.

They could just beat the shit out of you. It was bad. It was bad. And every once in a while, you heard the fruit. I want to make it seem like everybody did that. But I remember being at Gold's Gym. And this guy was sitting, I think he was just talking about hazing people at football camp. And he was going like, yeah, then we shoved the carrot up his ass, keep his fucking screaming. They're hazing experience, but like anonymously because no, I don't want to do that. I'm not I'm not going to do a fucking me too guy thing here. All right. I don't want to blame the victims, but I heard what happened. And I was just like, yeah, fuck frats. Look at my own friends. Yeah. You're going to be going to rush a fret. Yeah, I'll think about it, buddy.

You would you just you do not have the personality to be in a fraternity at all. Yeah, that is the op that you would you would you wouldn't even get past the first day. Yeah, I couldn't I couldn't get through the fucking army. I couldn't get through the army. I don't hear you. Yeah, you did. You did. What are you going to do beat the shit out of me that I don't have to go to war? I'll do that. Ooh, did I get a dishonorable discharge? I'm still fucking here. I'll do that. Private birds get a little sassy. No, I never would have made. No, here's the deal. At my age, when I was a young kid,

I would have done whatever the fuck they said. If I was 18, 19, I would have done whatever the fuck they said. So that's why they do it. But yeah, anybody middle aged. Yeah, I'd be like Michael J. Fox and like, what are we doing here, Sarge? All right, that's it. All right, go fuck yourselves. I need to worry I'm in this podcast. I'll talk to you guys on Thursday, right? If you want to throw in your fucking hate, your football hazing in. Yeah, I remember all of that shit. I remember like faculty members going talking about shit that they saw fucking older kids doing to other kids. And I don't want to hear because it's at this fucking time because what you're going to do

is they're creating this is how they everybody's looking at like Hollywood right now, like it's this giant non consens consensual like fucking orgy. And it isn't most people out here busting their ass to fucking great people and all that. But then now they're going to say that everybody's out here if you don't fucking suck a dick, you're not going to get a fucking commercial. It's like that. No, there's so many amazing, wonderful people that work in the industry. So that's true. Yeah. And if they all have to go down, I don't give a fuck because I'm a white chicken my twenties. All right, go fuck yourselves up. Check in on your Thursday.