Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-29-16

Episode Date: November 30, 2016

Bill rambles about the mannequin challenge, Nico Rosberg and grabby cabbies.

In the mountains, in the kitchen, even in the living, they are really everywhere to drive those empty batteries. But now we are going to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. 29th of Tuesday. What's going on? How are ya?

Um, I am okay. In case you were wondering, I got a little, uh, I don't know, I got a little s- I've been fighting off this car for like two fucking weeks. Who's kidding who, right? And I, uh, you know, I was fighting it off and it was getting worse and Nia kept going, Why don't you take some medicine? Why don't you take- take some of this mucinex? Alright?

Holy shit. Fucking my hat's off to anybody that can get fucking drunk off of that stuff. Jesus Christ. That's like peppermint schnapps times fucking 20. It really is. Mucinex is like schnapps on steroids. It's just, you know, one of the, you know, the others have these dumb challenges, like the mannequin challenge.

I don't understand, what is the challenge? Just hold still. Has somebody pans around the room? That's a fucking challenge. How the fuck did we go from faking a lunar landing? Faking that. Faking out the whole fucking Russians. They got so freaked out that they- they went on a hissy fit for the next fucking 30 years

before they finally went broke, right? In the early 90s. Cause we- we accepted the challenge of the faking of the lunar land. Maybe we even got there. The lunar land- landing challenge. Now we're fucking all the mannequin. Oh, planking. Yeah, I lay face down and somebody takes a picture of me.

Oh, dude, that's epic. Jesus Christ. I don't understand. You know what it is? It's these fucking goddamn cunts. Young people these days. You know, no offense, right? God bless you.

They say fucking spend their whole lives with these fucking real- virtual reality goddamn things on their head. They're playing video games. They don't have any skills. The second you take the fucking laptop, you take the fucking laser tag thing, the paint gun, whatever the fuck technology is. The thing that, you know, that new thing that they're trying to get old people into. The virtual reality. Like, living a fucking life isn't enough.

Like, I want to leave this fucking world. Really, you saw it all? Huh? You been to Venice? Rode a boat through the fucking canal? You haven't done shit. Alright, so this is the deal. They don't fucking know how to fucking do anything.

This is such an old man rant. They don't know how to do anything. They're just fucking literally laying face down in the road, you know, and somebody takes a picture. It's epic. It's fucking epic. Granted, in the 70s, they did have pet rocks, so I might be full of shit, but you know what it is? The great thing about being old is you lack perspective when you talk about anything new. You're just like, that's different.

It scares me. I don't get the mannequin challenge. You know, and that was like when they also had the whatever the Harlem Shake was. Initially, it was a dance, and then it was just that stupid YouTube thing. The ice bucket challenge. All of that shit. You know, if your instincts aren't immediately to not be part of the group, I don't know what that says about you.

I don't want it to says about me that I immediately ice bucket. Everybody's doing it? Well, then fucking, I'm not doing it. Anti-social, sick, freckled, headed bald cunt. What's wrong with you today? Hang on a second. Ricola. Yeah, so I've been fighting this fucking thing off.

You know, I have a bad feeling it might be what this cigar that I got, that there's something in there, some sort of bacteria, because I was fine, and then I smoked with Verzi on his birthday, and then I smoked with Bobby Kelly at fucking Comics Come Home back-to-back nights, and then I just had this fucking cough. You know, it's not like you inhale the goddamn things. It's not like I smoke one every fucking day. I smoke one like once every two weeks.

Oh, they've been on a little bit of a bender, okay? So anyway, so Sunday night, you know, it's been a good 15 days since I smoked. All right, I'll smoke another one. Went down with my buddy. We watched the Broncos chiefs game. Arguably the greatest Sunday night football game ever. I lost track of how many fucking lead changes there were. Just, you know, and I wasn't drinking.

I haven't drank since Thanksgiving. I kind of bottomed out Thanksgiving, right? You know, let's back. I had a great Thanksgiving, by the way. It's great fucking Thanksgiving. We ended up, did I talk about that already? I think I already did. Maybe I didn't.

I don't remember. Oh, I started to talk about it. I hadn't gone to it yet. That's right. That's what it was. Listen to this shit. We went to somebody else's for Thanksgiving and everything was fucking delicious. Every side was fucking not only delicious.

It was a home run. It's the best Thanksgiving I've had since I've been a kid when I ate at my parents' house. You know, my mother cooked. So it just automatically tastes right because that's the only Thanksgiving you know, right? But once you move out, you're eating other people's food. And no matter what, it's always a little bit different. It's not quite the same. You get that feeling of fuck.

It's over. I have to pay rent now. I'm going to get old, right? I'm going to be that person. What happened to him? And then I fucking die and blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that bullshit, right? So anyways, we had a great fucking Thanksgiving. And I had this fucking bottle of bourbon that I brought.

What was my responsibility? Who the fuck is my phone? I got to give this thing a shout out, man. You know, they say you can't judge a book by its fucking cover. I actually judged this bottle just by how cool the fucking bottle looked. So let me scroll through my... It was called Angels and Something or Other. By the way, it rained like a motherfucker out here

and I have water collecting up on my roof again. Fucking cunts. It's unbelievable. Fucking it's just, it's just not even right. So I got to get the third fucking people out here to see if they know how to fix it. God damn it. I thought I took a picture of it. No, I got to find it.

Hang on a second. You know what? I'm going to hit pause. I'll hit pause. All right. I found it. Angels Envy. It's a Kentucky bourbon.

God damn it. Was that delicious? And me and two other people, we finished the bottle and I don't know. I got like to my last one and I was just like, you know what? I think this, I think it's time for me to shut it down. You know? Maybe once in a while the drinking just gets a little bit too fucking far and then I just shut it down.

So I walked away. Cold turkey. Thanksgiving night. Cold turkey. I fucking walked away from it. And you know, I'm not going to lie to you. I miss it. It's only been four days.

I'm thinking about sending it letters and shit. Yeah. I'm just going to shut it down probably until I'd say maybe the Rose Bowl New Year's Day or whatever. I already got to shut it down. I got a fucking kid coming. So it's over. You know what?

You know what people? I got to be honest. I had a great run. I got the stories, you know, spent a few hours in jail. I mean, I've done, you know, went to court. I had to hold, you know, had to apologize to people. I had a very full experience with alcohol, you know, talked to some chicks that were way out of my league.

You know, I did it. I had the whole thing, you know, stayed on the outskirts of barfights to make sure that I didn't get pummeled. So that's it. So anyways, believe it or not, as bad as my cough sounds, it's way better than it was fucking yesterday. I wasn't going to put you through that shit. So anyways, so Sunday night, yeah, smoked a number of those cigars and yesterday I woke

up, I just was having a fucking coffin fit. Granted, I was already run down. So yesterday, I didn't do shit. I got to tell you, that was like the greatest six hours of my life, not doing shit. But somewhere in that six hour after the six hours, I was going out of my fucking mind. I don't know how you guys do it, you know, not you guys, just whoever the fuck is out there that just can just truly take a goddamn day off. I go fucking nuts after six hours.

It was great. I laid there. I watched like two, three episodes of Westworld getting caught up. I'm up to like episode six. I'm going to watch today, right? And loving that show, although you can't watch more than two or three in a day. It's just too much, man. It's like, you just got to be, you know, it's a lot of shit going on.

A lot of shit going on to kind of take in. And then also having now doing my own little show, that's only a half hour. When I look at that show, I just think of like, how fucking long did it take them to do this? And I'm going to sit here and I'm going to watch it in two days and then be that douche going, when season two coming out. You know, it's like it's a fine bottle of wine and I'm just going to chug the thing. You know, after the third glass, I'm not really tasting it anymore because I'm so hammered. I might as well be drinking like fucking red, white and blue beer or some shit, right?

Just doesn't seem right. So anyways, that's what I did yesterday and I'm feeling much better than Christ. So by the way, today is November 29th, which is the five year anniversary since the passing of one of the funniest and greatest people I have ever met. Patrice O'Neill, speaking of which, there are still some tickets left for the fifth annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. All the proceeds after we pay for the venue, of course, are only expense. You know, it goes to all of his loved ones. It's been a tremendous success and this year we have, we have, let's get the whole line up here for God's sakes, for God's sakes. We got Leslie Jones, we got Rich Foss, we got Bobby Kelly, Keith Robinson, Gary Gullman, Dan Soder, Soder, right?

And myself. It's going to be another great year of just getting to see all those people. You know, I never get to see them anymore because I'm always out here gigging on the road or living out here in LA. So that's going to be Tuesday, February 21st at the New York City Center. And, you know, it's just a, it's just a great event. And thank you to everybody who's come to it in the past years. And you guys have done a wonderful thing keeping all his loved ones comfortable. And I'm very proud of that whole charity thing because, you know, as tragic as it was that he was gone.

I'm very proud of the fact that all of his friends stepped up and that all of his loved ones are comfortable because I know that that's what he would have been concerned with. So, with that, I'm actually doing another benefit for those of you who can't make it to New York City if you're in the LA area. And you would like to, you'd like to help out on another benefit. I have another buddy of mine that died. So what happens when you get into your 40s, man? It's fucking brutal. Is a couple of your buddies died too young, man. It's awful. This guy, Pete Cummins, I started out with him in 1992. Did stand up with him from 92 to 99.

And then he moved on to writing with National Lampoon. He did some stuff for the UFC. Just a great guy, unfortunately, had a heart attack a few weeks ago and about a month ago. So, Tuesday, December 6th at the Laugh Factory, I'll be doing a headlining set there and a bunch of Pete's friends from back in the day, a bunch of comics. We haven't all been on the same show in forever. Probably 20 years will be going on earlier in the night. It's going to be a great thing and it's a memory of him. So there you go.

So, enough with the friends of mine that have passed away. Unfortunately, let's talk about some shit here. I fight. I got to go shout out to fucking Nico Rosberg. What in his first Formula One championship? The final few laps of that race were amazing, right? For those of you who are not into it, basically, the situation was, Lewis Hamilton had won the last three. Nico Rosberg had never won. They both drive from Mercedes, okay? So, Nico's the young upstart.

Lewis is the grizzled vet, even though they're both fucking young. It was kind of like days of thunder if both people look like fucking Tom Cruise is basically it, right? It's like the old Tom Cruise, right? Scientology Tom Cruise versus fucking... What was that movie that they were all in? Well, they were the soches and the greasers. The fuck was that movie called? I knew that one. God damn it.

What was it called? Matt Dillon was in it. Emilio Estevez. The Dirty Dancing Guy. Roadhouse Guy. The Karate Kid was in it. Tom Cruise was in it. Who else was in that fucking movie? Everybody was in that fucking movie.

There was like nine people in that fucking movie. They all went to see Thomas Howell. They all went on to star in movies that made... I would love to see how much fucking box office... Every guy that starred as a greaser in that movie ended up making, you know? You gotta hate being the one fucking greaser that didn't make it, right? That's when you just gotta look at yourself like, dude, what the fuck? Everybody in this ensemble cast...

I gotta find out what it is now. Cruise. IMDB. How do you spell Cruise wrong? I somehow spelled it with two U's. Hey, U's. Tom fucking Cruise, two U's. All right, there he is, smiling.

Looking sort of normal, as normal as he possibly can. Whoa, whoa, the OUTSIDERS! Oh, the OUTSIDERS! All right, here we go. This is the fucking lineup. See Thomas Howell, Matt Dillon, Ralph Machio, Patrick Swayze, Rob fucking Low, Emilio Estevez, Tom Cruise. All right?

That alone, right there. One, two, three, four, five, six, the first seven guys all went on to star in movies. Tom Cruise alone has done billions in box office. Matt Dillon, the amount of money he's done. Ralph Machio, the fucking karate kid. Patrick Swayze, dirty dancing alone. Forget about Ghost, right, when they were in the claymation class. And when he comes up behind her and they go, oh, all the time of my life.

Whoopie Goldberg grabbing your tits. I swear, Emilio Estevez, right? He was in Stakeout, he was in fucking The Breakfast Club. He was in the cowboy movies, right? He played Billy the Kid. You know all these fucking people are. And you got a guy like Glenn Withrow. The fuck happened to him?

Diane Lane, she was in Leif Garrett, Jesus Christ, he sold a bunch of albums. Tom Waits was in that fucking movie. Then there was a William Smith who played the store clerk. He went by William. If you went by Will, you know, could have been a whole different story. So anyways, I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. Oh yeah, so Nico Rosberg, right? So here's the deal.

The way the points worked out was Louis Hamilton had to win the fucking race. Provided Nico didn't crash. All right, if Nico was going to finish the race, Louis had to win the race and Nico had to become in fourth place or worse. And then Louis would have won his fourth in a row. Okay. But a lot of three peaking out there. Four.

Not nobody. Who the fuck does four in a row? You never see that shit, right? So it comes down to all Nico had to do was finish in third place. No matter what Louis Hamilton did, the shit was over. So you get down like five fucking laps to go. Nico Rosberg, he's in third place. He's a fucking lunatic.

He passes. I think it was a Red Bull car and all the guys. I love the guys who announce it. They're always so fucking like whenever there's a pass. Oh, God, they're always doing that shit. It's like, dude, do you have money in that car? Is that your son in there? I mean, half the reason we're watching this shit is to see him crash.

It's like watching hockey, half bits to watch the game. The other half is to watch somebody beat the fuck out of somebody. I want to see somebody spin around a little bit. You know, I want to see a Fenda. Fenda! Right? So anyways, so it gets down to the last five laps. Nico goes around whoever the fuck was in second place.

Hulkenberg or fucking one of those other guys. Teemo Nicanin, Teemo Solani. I don't know any of the other drivers yet. It's my first year watching it, right? He fucking passes the guy. Now he's in second place. So now Louis is like, what the fuck? Louis Hamilton starts slowing down.

Trying to let the third and fourth place cars catch up, which they're doing. All right? Now they're a fucking team. They're on the same team. So evidently, when the head dude at Mercedes, you know, if you're on the Mercedes teams, if your team calls you and tells you to do something, you're not supposed to disobey a direct order. I'm telling you, this is like Top Gun and fucking...

Jay's a thunder. Sorry. It's just a little touch of a bowl of people, right? So he gives, they give Louis a direct order going, Louis, you got to drive faster here. Come on, we want to win this race. And Louis just says, he just says back into the radio on TV, basically said, well, I'm still in first place and I'm comfortable with my current position.

Basically meaning like, I'm not going to drive any fucking faster and I'm good enough that even if Nico's right on my ass, I know he's not going to try to go around me. You know, risking crashing because he's got it. So for the last five fucking laps, I just on the edge of your fucking seat, like is this guy in third place going to go around Nico Rosberg? He didn't. Louis Hamilton disobeyed a direct order. I believe Robert Duvall came out in the end and started screaming at somebody.

I can't remember, but it was kind of funny. Like whenever like they're both on the podium, which was almost every race this year, Nico and Louis like wouldn't even look at each other. It was fucking like, oh my God, I'm not even talking to you right now. I'm like, so like not even talking to you right now. Like it was that whole fucking energy. So when Nico wins the thing, they actually shook hands and there was some fucking clown interview when I'm going, oh, I kind of blocked the shot.

Can you guys do that again? It was great. And then they just sort of begrudgingly shook hands or whatever. And the guy just goes, oh, that's great. It's all good again and something like that. It's like, dude, it's very far from all good again. So I believe the season starts up again either the end of March or the beginning of April. And I jumped on this year after they raced in Monaco and I had a great time fucking watching it.

I actually started to think of the sheer amount of fucking money it must cost to have a goddamn to run a formula one team. I can't imagine how much fucking money you got to ship that car around the fucking world like nine times. And you know, you got a couple of other cars you got to bring with it. It's got to cost you a billion dollars. It has to. Does it bill? Have you ever tried to ship even your fucking Prius to Connecticut? No.

So then you really don't know how much it costs. All right, you got me. Whatever. I know it's got to cost a lot of fucking money there. All right. So anyways, anybody watch Ohio State, Michigan? I know this is kind of old games, but I'll give a fuck. Did you guys watch that?

It's one of the best games I've seen between those two in a long fucking time. And Michigan just kept fucking up when they got the ball. They had the goddamn game one. Do you notice how what's his face there? The whatever reason I can never remember their last name to fucking coach in Michigan. Jim Harbaugh. Did you notice he was wearing the Woody Hayes glasses? I actually had a theory that if they won, he was going to take the glasses off on their fucking logo on the 50 yard line and step stomp on him.

You know, like after Jewish people get married, they step on the fucking glass. He was going to do that with the fucking his, his Woody Hayes glasses. I love that he called out the referee and then all that shit. You know, I'm not saying I 100% agreed with them and all that shit, but you know, I thought they got the call right on that first down. I stood up to when I saw live action, I was like, he didn't get it. He didn't get it. And then I saw, fuck, he got it. I thought he got it anyways.

But all my Michigan buddies, they were all texting me. That was a home job and all this type of shit. So who do you like guys? It's probably going to be Alabama, right? That had a nice, had an easy time with fucking Auburn. He was the kicker for Auburn. He grew up in an Alabama family, roll tide family. And Alabama didn't give him a scholarship.

So he goes to fucking Auburn now. And his grandfather calls him Turncoat. Fucking lunatics down there, right? Scary Danielson, the whole gang keeps going, he goes, Turncoat kicking it for three. I didn't think this podcast is remotely funny, but maybe, maybe you're just laughing at me coughing up a fucking lung here. So it's going to be Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide. And I'm going to say it's going to be Ohio State for the championship. And his old Billy Redface, having only watched about 15 college games this year,

having never played beyond the third grade level, this is my prediction. All right, organized anyways. I played enough pickup football for the first time ever throughout my back was playing fucking football. And it's never been the same, you know? You know, it's not the first time. The first time was when that kid put me in the figure four leg lock in fourth grade out to a recess. That's the first time I threw it out. The next time was playing football.

And then the third time was another wrestling thing. I tried to lift my younger brother up over my head like Tony Atlas. And the upper third of my spine folded, it felt like. And, you know, that's given me problems ever since then, you know? It's probably why I lean on the mic stand. Anyways, plowing ahead here, I think it's going to be it's going to be fucking Ohio State, Alabama. Obviously, I'm picking the number one or two teams. And I think Alabama beats Ohio State this time simply because I thought Ohio State had a lot of problems with that defense there in Michigan.

And I think Alabama's defense is even better and Alabama's offense is not going to make the fucking mistakes that Michigan's offense made. You know, you don't watch an Alabama team and they fumble a fucking snap on the one yard line. They just don't do shit like that. You know what I mean? Because what's his face? Nick Saban, that lunatic, he probably fucking waterboard you. How angry a dude. You know, that guy makes me feel good about my anger when I see that guy.

I was joking about this. I did Jeff Caesario's podcast and we were fucking joking about my favorite fucking thing to do is to watch Alabama going in like down by seven and half. I love when the halftime reporter comes up and starts talking to Nick Saban and the look of fucking anger on his face. All he wants to do is go in the locker room and call everybody's mother a cunt that's wearing his uniform, right? But he's got to sit there and talk to some chick on the sideline going like, so why do you think it is? You're down by eight. And he has to just sit there. You know, he just wants to slap the wig right up her fucking head, but he doesn't do it.

He doesn't do it. He sits there with this fucking, I don't know what it is on his head. You know, he makes Donald Trump look like fucking Fabio. I'm trying to think of somebody who has good hair. Who the fuck even has good hair? And you never even know anymore, right? Everybody goes around. They get the troops from the back, you know, peeling, but the potatoes get put out right up on the front line now.

This is now what they do. Then everybody goes swimming and nobody knows what's going on, right? I'll tell you, it takes a real man like myself to walk around looking like Charlie Brown. I'm telling you, a red-headed Charlie Brown. Anyways, let's read some advertising here for this week, everybody. Let's see what we got here on the docket. How about those Bruins finally winning a game, right? The second I start watching them, they go into a three-game fucking skid.

Just let you know what a big, but a big, you cannot put a price on what Zidane O'Chara brings to this Boston Bruin defense. Alright, frame bridge. Alright, if you previously listened to this show, you've heard me talk about frame bridge. Hey, relax, okay? Some people fast forward through these things. They make it super easy and affordable to custom frame your favorite things. You got a nice dick pic? They got the frame for you.

From art and prints and posters to the photos on your phone, their expert team handcrafts each custom frame here in the US. Handcrafts it. I thought they just measured it. They handcraft this thing and will send it to you in days, not weeks or months. Alright, that's why you're going to love frame bridge. That's why sending a custom frame picture with frame bridge is the go-to gift this holiday season. That's a great gift. You don't need fucking money.

Just frame a cell phone picture of you and the other person and just write like friends or smile. Put a little emoji on it. This is beautiful. These guys are going to save you a ton of money. In a few minutes, you can build and order a thoughtful personal gift on framebridge.com's website or straight from your phone. Their expert team will handcraft a custom frame or just measure it. A picture of frame that fucking fits it, right? For your picture, we'll give it straight to you or someone on your list.

And the best part, frame bridge starts at just $39 and shipping is free. In a few minutes, you can create a meaningful custom gift for everyone on your list. A picture of your sibling for you. You know what you guys got to do for Christmas? Just get a fucking, just take a selfie of yourself and then send it to frame bridge. Then get a handcrafted photo and just, you know, send it to everybody. My gift to all of you this holiday season is a picture of me. This way, even though when I'm not there, I can always be there.

All right, pick the perfect frame at framebridge.com. You can preview your item in all their frame styles and upload a picture. You can even frame an Instagram photo. The talent experts at frame bridge will print and frame your item and ship it straight to you or your loved one. Your gift arrives in days, completely ready to hang and includes a handwritten gift note. Let frame bridge help you win the holidays with a thoughtful gift that's easy. Right now, all you got to do is go to framebridge.com and use the promo code BRR. You'll save 15% off your first order.

And remember, place your orders by December 18th to ensure delivery by Christmas. That's promo code BRR. Holiday deadline is December 18th. Okay, next up on the docket. On it, Joe Rogan's company. On it has a new product. It's called emulsified MCT oil. The fuck is that?

MCT oil is one of the fastest sources of clean fuel for the body and the brain. It's one of the best ways to power up your performance or kickstart a weight management program. You gotta want it! There are lots of MCT oil brands out there. I didn't know that. But there's none like emulsified MCT oil from on it. Available in three delicious flavors. Coconut, vanilla, and strawberry.

Oh, my DNA! Coconut head, vanilla skin, strawberry pubes. Emulsified MCT oil mixes like a cream easily. And you're more like Gary Shetfield. You rub it on your arms there. And you're morning coffee without the need for a blender. No mess, no clean up. You can even mix it into your favorite foods.

Right now, if you go to onit.com slash bill, you can get on its emulsified MCT oil for 12% off. That's onit.com. Did I just girdle? Bill to get emulsified, slash bill, to get emulsified MCT oil for 12% off. For any reason, if you don't like it, they'll give you your money back. No questions asked. They're just mean muggies. You walk out the store.

They're all fucking jacked. Got those neck muscles. You know, they can shrug their shoulders for days. Why? Because they're taking their emulsified MCT oil. You got nothing to lose. Go to onit.com slash bill now and get on it. How many more of these motherfuckers?

We got three more? Let's get the first three out of the way. What do you say? Tipsy elves, everyone. This is not a porno, by the way. Tipsy elves. Have you ever wanted to take advantage of an elf but it wasn't drunk enough? Welcome to Tipsy Elves, everyone.

Everyone needs an ugly Christmas sweater this time of year. If you want bragging rights for the most talked about sweater at your Christmas parties, listen up. Talk about your Tipsy Elves sweater and other products you saw on this website. Oh, God. This is like a fucking hipster website. Oh, that's just great. That's so bad. It's good.

Tipsy Elves has hundreds of Christmas sweaters designs that are nothing like you've seen before. They're not for the faint of heart. Check out the all new 2016 sweaters. You won't find them anywhere else. Tipsy Elves sweaters are all about fun but are serious on quality and construction. When you're shopping for your ugly sweater, check out the other Holiday and Collegiate Attire for yourself or as a gift like Adult Onesies. What is that?

Feet pajamas with like a dick hole cut out? Huh? You got like a fucking, what do they call that when the chicks at the truck stop and it's just the hole? The guy sticks, a glory hole. You got a glory hole in the front, you know? They made out of wood. They're wood pajamas and you just stick your dick through the fucking, the knocked out knot in the wood. For men, interactive sweaters, beer pong, cornhole and Christmas suits.

I don't even want to know what that is. For women, holiday leggings, sweater dresses and pajamas. Right now, my listeners get 20% off tipsyelves.com on anything they order on their site. Shop now so you have the best selection to choose from and you have it in time for your ugly Christmas sweater party. Go to tipsyelves.com, enter my code BRR at checkout to get 20% off site-wide discounts. That's tipsyelves.com slash BRR. Right? No, tipsyelves.com and then my code BRR.

All right. Are you kidding me? Oh, I still got three more to go. All right, fuck this dude. Fuck this. Okay. Let's plow ahead. Where are we?

Huh? 32 minutes in. Was there anything else I wanted to fucking talk about? Oh, dude, I started going through my shit because I'm selling my Prius, right? So I'm going back and I'm trying to find the title to my car. And of course, I can't find this fucking thing. And I find the title to my wife's car, to my car and my old truck. And I also found a copy of a title to this 88 Honda Accord I had like fucking 15 years ago.

I had the DX. What was the LX? I had the LX five-speed manual transmission. What a great fucking car that was. God damn it. I love that car. I found a copy of that, but nothing for the Prius. So now I got to go fucking to the DMV and get a copy of it and all that bullshit.

And I'm getting rid of that shit, move on with my fucking life. And I got a fucking goddamn conference call coming up here in 10 minutes. I'll have to finish the rest of the podcast later. I apologize. You know, it's what it is. Patriots, Jets, did you watch that? How fucking awful did our defense look in the first fucking half? Good Lord.

I mean, I know we're banged up and everything, but I don't know. Remember that time when we traded Richard Seymour a long time ago? And every Patriot fan was like, dude, what the fuck did we do that for? And then the people who were kind of paying attention were like, well, look, here was the deal. Next year he was going to be up for free agency. He was going to ask for a zillion dollars, and we knew we weren't going to give it to him, and then we would have got nothing for him. So we traded him the year before.

I went on this website and they showed all the trickle down from that thing, that trade, and all the players we got, how we could be more aggressive because of what we got for Richard Seymour. I'm hoping the same thing is that happened this year with... I don't know if we traded Chandler Jones or we lost him to free agency, but that fucking dude that we sent to Cleveland, which I keep for Jamie Collins, maybe that'll turn into something, but I don't know. As unhealthy as we are, I'm not... I don't know.

I'm not giving up. I never give up. I'm just saying, you know what the fuck? It's the goddamn jets. They were fucking going crazy, too. Every fucking play they made, they were going fucking nuts. They just fucking... That was their playoff game, which I respected.

They fucking came to play. But anyways, so this whole fucking weekend, all I did was watch football, and I was looking for that title, and in the process of looking for the title, I cleaned up a bunch of my shit, and I was kind of thinking with a kid coming along, I'm not going to have time to do shit, but life is going to keep hitting me. So I want to know where all my insurance forms are, where every fucking piece of legal shit that I need. You know what I mean? Do you have your tracking number and all that?

I'm getting all of that stuff organized, and I had all this fucking shit that I held on to. I had my auto insurance contract from 2007 until now, and I'm like, it expires 12 months after you get it, Bill. You've held on to this shit for nine years longer than you need to, so I shredded a lot of shit. But underrated, just finally going through your office and just organizing everything. I kind of know where everything is now, and I want to do that kind of for everything that I have. So when my kid comes here and then takes a marker out and draws all over everything,

I'll know where the fucking insurance shit is. All right, let's read some questions here for the week. Stan Hope special. This is somebody writing in about the great Doug Stan Hope. He said, hey, Bill, used your promo code to sign up for CISO so I could watch Stan Hope's new special. I've heard nothing but great things. He said, holy shit, you're still my favorite, Bill, but Stan Hope is a genius. Why do you guys always have to do that?

You're still going to take the piss out of me. I know he's fucking tremendous. You know, why can't you just say this guy's a great comedian? I'll tell you, Bill. But this guy over here, you know, everybody on the internet's got to do that. If you have a good band, someone's got to just sit there and be like, dude, I love you guys, but it's fucking Doug Stan Hope, man. I know he's a genius. You didn't have to take the piss out of me.

He's fucking better than I am. Fucking cunt. He said, I wish more people knew about him. I felt the same way about you years ago when you were just a comedy baby. Tell your people at Netflix to give them the Chappelle treatment. Love you, man. Yeah, I've heard nothing but great shit about that. Sorry, that's the last of the Ricola.

Eatin' on the mic. Kind of a fucking amateur, am I? All right. Well, what you're telling me, every comedian has known about Doug Stan Hope since probably the late 90s. And Doug is, you ever watch those cop movies? You know, you know that guy, he always has to turn in his badge because he's doing shit outside the system, but he's got a good heart and in the end he arrests the bad guy and it's all good. That's who Stan Hope is, right?

But the entertainment industry hasn't figured that out yet. But eventually he will be standing on their fucking city hall steps as they give him the key to the city. That's what I'm hoping. But my rule with all of these guys is I don't watch this stand-up special just because I can't have an hour and an hour and a half of this shit floating around in my head because it'll influence, you know, I'm too paranoid about that. But my rule is that with all these guys, Rogan, Stan Hope, Louis, Chappelle, all of these guys that if they come into a comedy club that I'm at

and they're gonna go do a set, I will watch them. That's how I do it. But I don't watch their specials because I'm too paranoid about any sort of overlap or whatever. But having said that, every time Doug Stan Hope's specials come out, always, always, always for like three to six months afterwards, comics are just taking me aside. Dude, have you seen Stan Hope's new fucking special? Yeah, he's fucking incredible. And I don't know, well, I don't know why.

I don't know why, what it is about comics like that, that they just, I don't know, the industry just won't give the same. You know what it is at the end of the day? If you have a question about an artist you like, just imagine Doug Stan Hope on TV trying to sell your Ritz crackers. Okay, how long could he talk about those crackers before they would have a major fucking problem? I think that's what it comes down to, all right? There's the people that are truly are the greats and then there's the people that are really good,

but they won't fucking, you know, they can sell a box of Ritz crackers. That's what it kind of comes down to. And Doug Stan Hope is one of those fucking guys, what makes them great. So maybe that's what it is. I like that this guy's like that. You got to have the fucking rogue guys. You know what I mean? You can't have everybody just fucking hanging out with, I don't know, Eddie Showbiz,

you know, at a fucking, you know, an election party. You know what I mean? And talking about issues. Hi, I'm fucking Sandy Sand, Sam Cakes. And I'm here to talk about the fucking, the slaughter of baby seals and all of that, you know, that mainstream like step off your private jet. Take the time to give a fuck for 20 minutes before you give back to yelling at your personal assistant. There's that level of connecting with people.

And then there's what Stan Hope does where he fucking goes where they're at. That guy is literally played, I would say, you know, let's say there's 10,000 comedy clubs in this country. He's played at least 9,998 of them. That fucking guy has played as much as I've done a bunch of play. That guy has been fucking everywhere. And that's why, that's why he's as good as he is. That is work ethic. He's fucking prolific.

He's one of my favorites of all time. So I wish I knew what the name of the special was. Maybe I can like go to look at, I'll look that up. You know what, I got to hit pause. I got this fucking conference call. I'll be right back. And I'll also have the name of the special. What do you think about that?

And this will be like fucking like an eighth of a second in your life. Just like those fucking millennials with their virtual reality glasses. What's that over there? Whoa, it's guy. I fucking hate that commercial where the kids are sitting there freaking the fuck out like they don't realize that it's not a real world. And then the greedy corporate cunts, then what do they got to do? They got to have the old curmudgeon guy like me, actually older than me.

And then what are you kids doing? Then he puts it on. And then of course he's completely enamored, right? And now he's going to be into the shit. Get the fuck out of here. Fuck those glasses. I swear to God, man, like the amount of people that are going to get mugged while they have those fucking things on in public.

Cause I'll tell you right now, these fucking kids are so goddamn stupid. They'll wear one of those in like on a city bus and just fucking have it on there. You know what I mean? It's like walking into like one of those little fucking baskets with what cobra in there and you stick your head in with your virtual reality glass glasses. And you can't see the snake anymore cause you're in fucking middle earth. Oh, the old man's coming out of me this week. All right.

Hang on a second. All right. And I'm back just like that. An hour of fucking conference calling. Huh? Don't you wish you were me? Is there anything better than a conference call? Hey, let's get on and make a call and have a conference.

Everybody can talk and share ideas. Have another hour. Your life go by that you're never going to get back. All right. You know, this is how old I am. You know what's on my Christmas list this year? You know, it is pajamas. I've had the same pair of fucking pajamas for like, I don't, I don't even know how long.

Like, I don't know, maybe early 2000s. You know, I'm trying to think all the shit that I've watched on TV and these jam jams and they've just had it. It's fucking over. And I've actually dropped, not even the hint. I just demanded. And you get to, when you get to be my age, because no one gives a shit about you anymore, you can't ask for something for, for Christmas.

You got to start, you got to make demands with like a touch of a threat. Okay. I'm just saying, okay, just throw and put this out there. It would be in everybody's best interest if I got some new pajamas this Christmas. That's all I'm saying. Okay. Huh? You like where you're living?

You like this food? There better be some jam jams under the fucking tree. Um, anyways, and then no matter what, then you end up being wrong. Like I had a fucking argument with my wife this week about the way she fucking, you know, stacks up the dishes in the sink. You know what I mean? I don't know if your wife does this shit, but there'll be like a pot sitting in the fucking sink and then they have a plate, right?

What do they do? They stick the plate on top of the thing and then they take another bowl and they stick it on top of the plate. And then you just got this leaning tower of horseshit in your fucking sink. It's like, why don't you put the plate underneath the pot and then just see if the pot can fit in the bowl, the bowl can fit in the fucking pot and then it takes like a third of the space. You know, you ever think of doing that fucking, you know, make it rather, rather make it look

like there's 10 weeks of fucking dishes here. This is like two meals. You know, one of those fucking, one of those fucking dumb arguments where you end up getting in your car and driving away. And then afterwards you're just sitting there going, what the fuck? I'm literally driving down the street right now, contemplating giving this woman everything that I own and moving into a one bedroom apartment over the way she stacks dishes in the sink. But I'll tell you, when you live with somebody, it seems so fucking important.

All right, time off, dear Billy body. I think you're awesome. Thank you. And admittedly, I have a crush on you and I'm a lady. There you go. I thought the left term was going to be and I'm a dude. I love that you take care of yourself and are always striving to be better. This is great.

You know what? If I were you guys listening to this right now, I would be highly suspect of whether or not I actually wrote this in my husband and I haven't seen you live yet. And we want, we want to this year, if you happen to be coming back to Wisconsin, well, where the hell were you a few months ago? You know, when you develop this crush in October, I was there in September. Do you think you'll be touring as much or will you be taking the year off to spend time with your newborn?

Love you and I love Nia. Oh, I'm totally going to be the absentee father. I already have that worked out, you know, going to be doing like 56 weeks on the road. No, obviously my schedule would be a little bit different. Be honest with you. I don't know. I do know, however, that, you know, when I was getting ready to do my special, rather than doing one night in every city, you know, when I did that little, I played a smaller

theater and I spent a week in Durham, like just Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and it's, it was so much more enjoyable way of doing the road rather than doing one night in Durham, one night in fucking Poughkeepsie, one night here. It just becomes a fucking thrash. And when you're an older fella like myself, you know, I like going to a place, hanging out with the people, seeing where they eat, going to a game. That's how I always fucking did it. So I'm going to try to do more of that.

And I was just in Madison and funny you should bring up going back to Milwaukee, Wisconsin was, I haven't been to Milwaukee and well, I guess it was October of that's amazing. I can always remember this. It was like October of 2015. So it's been, we'll call it December at this point. So it's been 14 months. So definitely in 2017, not only will I be coming back to Milwaukee, I plan on spending like three, four days there because that Milwaukee had not only a great cigar bar,

it had the best fucking steam of any place I've ever been to. And it was at a hotel called the Fister. I swear to God, the hotel is called the Fister. It's P F I S T E R. If you're in Milwaukee, dude, I'm telling you, man, Milwaukee, don't sleep on Milwaukee. Great people, great food, great fucking lakefront property for a song, right? And the sickest fucking steam room you're ever going to go into. You get your own private like lifestyles of the rich and famous fucking.

It's unbelievable. So, you know, when you get to be my fucking age, that's the type of shit that's appealing to you on the road. You know what I mean? It's not like, oh, dude, you got to go to Miami. They got all these hot chicks down there. I'm a fucking creepy old married guy. Where is their esteem room? Listen to me.

I got tuberculosis. I ain't got time for the who is anyways. So yeah, tonight I'm actually doing the Steve Allen Theater and whatever the fuck they're calling it now. And I'm just basically running my whole new hour. I'm so fucking excited. I've gotten past the whole morning period of missing my old jokes. I'm past the hole. Now I'm not as funny as I was on stage.

Now, you know, I took all the bullets out of the gun. I'm shooting fucking blanks up here. This is my favorite fucking thing in the world. I'm so excited tonight about the show and just seeing where it goes. And I got a couple of buddies of mine coming down who are musicians. So they're going to get to see that whole fucking because I already told them I was like, all right, you guys want to come down. This is going to, this is going to be the real deal. This is not the old tried and true there.

All right, coping with being single. Oh, I already like this right here. Hey, Billy, master of fuckets. I've been single my entire life. I'm into my later twenties and still haven't found any lady that I really hit it off with. I've struggled with being single for a long time, but I've been working through it. I'm okay with it, but I still have my dark moments. My question to you is when you were single for all those years, did you ever get lonely or feel alone?

Did you ever think you'd be single forever? What helped you to endure through those times and how did you cope with it? Yes, to all of that. Yep. As I figured some things out, I've been doing bucket list types of stuff that helps me get through it. Yeah, dude, that's a great thing to do when you're single. Go do all that shit you want to do because, you know, you meet somebody else. Yeah.

You know, you might not have the time. This person says, I've gone to see some of my favorite bands play live. I've traveled a little and I've been working towards finding a career path that I really enjoy. So I believe I'm doing some good things, but I still have my days when I suffer through it a little. But I've learned to sit in that pain for a bit and find good things. Saying something dumb at work. Oh, that's the next one. I thought that was a guy signing off the woman, whoever the fuck this is.

All right, my question to you is you've been single all those years. Did you ever get lonely or feel alone? Here's the thing. I was never lonely for the first, I don't know how many years of my life until I had a girlfriend and then lost my girlfriend. And then after that, that's the first time I felt like, oh, I don't have a chick. It's weird. I didn't have my first serious girlfriend until I was like 23. Something like that, 22, 23 years old.

So I was fine with being single. And that thing lasted like, I don't know, like eight, nine months. And I ended up breaking up with her. And that was right before I started doing stand up. And I remember the first six weeks of being like, fuck, how long is it going to take for me to get over this person? And it's weird, man, like getting over a person, it's like, it's like quitting the booze. It's a habit. They're a habit.

You know what I mean? Oh, I always call them at this time, then you got to fill up those fucking times, but you just can't fill them up. You kind of got to go through the morning of them not being there anymore. And then you start filling them up with other stuff. But like, dude, I think travel, seeing bands and everything. The great thing is, dude, the fact that you're a lady, the fact that you're single and you feel alone is a very healthy thing. You know what I mean? Now, if you were totally fucking single and you didn't feel lonely at all, well, I guess maybe, you know, maybe you're just a fucking someone who doesn't want to be with anybody.

That could also be because as long as you're not out killing people, you know what I mean? As long as you don't feel the need to hunt, as long as you're not feeling that and as long as you're all right with whatever it is you're doing, then you should be fine. Dude, you're in your fucking late twenties, dude. Trust me, someday you're going to be married. You're going to have a fucking kid coming like I got right now. And all of a sudden, all your drum videos, you're thinking, I'm going to get rid of those. I got to get rid of all this shit. I got to get rid of all of this stuff.

And there's this feeling that I'm having right now. Will I ever play drums again? But fortunately, I married the coolest woman ever, so I just was able to sit down with her. This might help you if you're afraid to get in a relationship because you feel like you're going to lose all of this stuff. You just let the person you're with know what's important. I already said to my wife, I said, listen, here's the deal. Like once a week, okay? You pick a day once a week when this kid is not sleeping through the night,

and you can just go somewhere, get a massage, or just go someplace and fucking sleep. Or I'll take the kid and go drive around. I'll let you sleep for fucking hours and hours, whatever the hell it is, okay? All you got to do is let me keep playing drums, taking drum lessons and that shit. That'll be my spot thing because I don't really need to sleep because I'm a fucking lunatic. And also, I'll still get to do the road twice a month. And I'll use that time to sleep. I'll do my shows at night, and then I'll go right to the hotel,

and I will sleep till the fucking cats come home, the cows come, whatever the fucking animal is. And then I'll come back recharged, you know what I mean? But we make sure that we kind of work that stuff out with each other. So if you're afraid to get in a relationship, just know that there's cool people out there. As long as you, I don't know, you never hear me say this, but women in general are pretty cool if you just tell them what the fucking deal is. But I have issues with women. So even as I said that, just picturing how many women just went like,

oh my god, yes, like that annoyed me, even though they were agreeing with me. It's weird. I got a lot of fucking issues. So yeah, I definitely felt like I was never going to meet the one. I felt like there was something wrong with me and all of this type of shit. Just know this, every one of your friends that's in a relationship is secretly envious of you, even if they're with the right person, that's how much fucking work it is, you know? Every once in a while, you know, I look at fucking, you know, I look at a, I look at a playboy like Joe DeRosa, and I'll be like, God damn it, man.

What the fuck did he's got? He's, you know, he's, he's living the life, you know? And then, you know, you come home and your wife makes some fucking cookies, you're like, this is pretty cool too. All right, saying something dumb at work. So how about saying to this person, you're fine, dude, you're in your late 20s. The same way that you have goals with your career and bucket list stuff, you should have some goals about the kind of person that you want to be with. Like women actually do shit like that.

Women actually sit down and think about the kind of guys don't do that. We just sort of ping pong around. I'll stick my fucking dick in that. You know, we're idiots. But if you actually, you know, get a little Bill Belichick, you know, see what's missing, you know, from your half, see what you're looking for. What do you want? You know, do you want a woman that wants kids? Do you want a woman that can cook?

Are you a traditional? Do you want a career woman? Like, what do you want? You know, I can tell you right now, if you want a woman that can cook, we'll actually sit down and cook. Woo! I'll tell you right now. That's like, I don't know, you know, like every once every,

I don't know how many years they have that 1983 draft, like women do not fuck, women's do not be cooking anymore. All this feminism shit. It's really a sad thing, but men have, you know, it's our fault because we didn't put a value on it. Christ, I'm out there busting my ass, you're in here pickling cucumbers, right? We just gave them shit. Making a meal for somebody is one of the nicest things you could ever do.

You know? But what happened, huh? We talked shit. We gave them, we didn't give them fucking respect. I'm now looking. They don't want to cook or be mothers. They're out there running around willy-nilly wearing pants suits, running for president of the United States.

I mean, that's a mad job. I'm kidding. You know, the funniest fucking thing ever is how sick you have to be to want to be president. The fact that Hillary Clinton is depressed right now, that she didn't get a job, where she was going to have to put her head in the pillow every night knowing she just made a decision that bombs were just dropped

and possibly landed on somebody's baby. And she's depressed that she didn't get that fucking job. It's unbelievable. What do you think her pajamas look like? She definitely has the fucking guy ones, right? Like the flannel ones. Wearing the pants suits. I like the pants suits.

I don't know why everybody gave a shit about it. It's like Rota, you know? Rota, Mary, Tyler Moore. They fucking filled those things out, you know, walking around with your little bunzies up against that rayon. All right, say something dumb at work. Saying something dumb at work. Okay, what do we got here?

Ah, fuck. You guys mind if I just do the last bit of, you know what? That's a cunty move. I'll read this and then I'll do the advertising. Hey Bill, longtime fan, probably listened to you too much. Once again, you start with the compliment, then you give me the old fucking shank to the kidney. Longtime fan, probably listened to you too much.

All right, too much. When it's too much, that's two O's. All right. All right, here's my problem. I was at work party. I think you mean at a work party. Talking to my colleagues. I work as an RN in an ICU.

Okay, that's a registered nurse in an intensive care unit. I have some nurses in my family. Uh, we have a new to our unit hired joining us, but she's worked as a nurse for 25 years already. My friend said she's joining my rotation. I say out loud in my typical bill Blartburn inflection. Oh, Jesus. No, how'd she is another old broad in our line there?

Several colleagues heard this and now every day is some new twist on my comment. Some chirping is fine, but half the unit is over 50. I want some joke comment. I don't want some joke comment to hope me haunt me for years, Bill. How do I get this to go away? Thanks. Um, I would just say it with them. I just, I wouldn't back off it.

I would just keep doing the Archie bunker. Oh, geez, another old broad on a line there. And then when they think, yeah, this lady too old. Oh God, all of you with your men in pause there, but you can't do that at work now. You can't do that work now because you're not making it a safe place. This isn't a safe space. Ugh.

Oh my God. That alone, that alone gave Trump about 200,000 folks. Fucking adults saying you're not making this a safe space. I just fucking, did they all have a meeting and they came up with that fucking horrific thing? That what, what was the second choice? I just don't understand that. I, you know, something I have to be honest with you. I don't know how you get out of that.

And right there, that's why I do what I do for a fucking living because there's no way I could be in that level of a childish fucking environment. That people, what did you mean about that? How many fucking thoughts have you had in your head today, your old fucking bag? That if they were publicized that you would even still have a job as a nurse. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, you know, I just, just, you know, women like sweets just come in and just bake a fucking pie or some shit. Anyways, I'm sorry you're going through that. I'm sorry you were quoting me.

But you know what, you also kind of blamed me a little bit there. We say you listened to me too much. You were throwing a little bit of blame. You went a little Peyton Manning there. We had protection issues. That's what you just did to me there. I don't know how much it's been. You're still bringing that up.

You should have heard what I said this morning or something like that. I would just do that. That is kind of funny. Who gives a shit? Do you like the job? It all depends on how much you like the job. What? She's old. You're all old. I wouldn't fuck any of you.

You know, I don't know. I don't know how to get out of that. If anybody has any suggestions, tweet it at me and I'll fucking retweet it. Maybe this person follows me on Twitter. You can help them out. I would help if I know if you were a man or a woman. I have no idea. All right, Dollar Shave Club.

I'm guessing a man. If you're a woman, you're the coolest woman ever that you said that. No, they're all broad here. All right, Dollar Shave Club. Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing, affordable raises right to your door every month so you can get a great shave. But razors aren't the only thing you need in the bathroom.

What about some shower stuff? Huh? What about when you're washing off the old tank there? Turns out Dollar Shave Club thought of that, too. They just came out with a new line of shower products. Shampoo and body wash called the Wanderer. Well, I'm a type of guy

who likes to wash his nuts. The fragrances are unlike anything on the market. They're subtle and actually smell like real natural ingredients. There are a lot of body washes out there that make you smell like a teenager. This mint and cedarwood body wash is amazing.

It makes you smell incredible. It's like you're eating ice cream next to the fireplace. Um... You gotta give it a try. What the fuck is so great about mint and cedarwood body? Are those two different ones, I hope? Um... Like you're fucking eating ice cream

over Ron Burgundy's house? Mahogany. You gotta give it a try. Once you're in the club, you'll see the products are amazing. The service is world-class. There's no long-term commitments, no hidden fees and you can cancel whenever you want. And best of all, they're giving away a one-month trial

of any one of their fucking races for a dollar with free shipping. And after that, it's just a few bucks a month. Get your online dollar trial at dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr.

Oh, who's next? Two more to go. Oh, MVMT movement watches pronounced movement was founded on the belief that style shouldn't break the bank. The watchmaker's goal is to change the way consumers think about fashion by offering high quality

minimalist products at revolutionary prices. With over 500,000 watches sold to customers and 160-plus countries around the fucking world, MVMT watches has solidified itself as the world's fastest growing watch company. All right?

A holiday thought stat is please be conversational. Choose one and make this your own. All right, I'm going to choose this one. We get it. Fuck those. Holiday shopping can be fucking hot. This is me making my own.

I just say fucking Boston accent. But thanks to MVMT watches, all that gift-giving, horseshit anxiety can disappear with the press of the button. These watches make the perfect purchase for just about any person in your life, guy or girl. And remember, they just start at 95 bucks.

You know what? Even if you don't like somebody, spending 95 bucks is too much money. Only get this for people that you care about. You know what I mean? Everybody else, you can get a fucking bumper sticker. All right, get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to movementwatches.com.

This watch has a really clean design. Seriously, evidently, I've been getting compliments on the one that I don't wear ever since I put it on. Now is the time to step up your watch game. Go to movementwatches.com. Join the movement. Get a 95-dollar watch for 500 bucks.

No, 500-dollar watch for 95 bucks today. Lastly, but not leastly, stamps.com, everybody. Oh, Jesus, Saint Nick is coming here for all the good Christians out there. He's a saint, but he doesn't care about Muslims, Jews, or fucking

Buddhist people, right? What about all those aboriginals? Whatever the fuck they worship, huh? How come Santa Claus doesn't go to them? You know why? Because they'd be like, oh my God, it's another white man and they fucking put a poison dart in him. And it'd serve him right, you know?

It'd serve him right, even though he didn't do anything. He'd be a martyr, you know? His big stupid red suit laying face down in it, right? Stamps.com with the holidays almost. I'm surprised the government has never tried to set up Santa Claus by sending him into some area with his indigenous people.

Just setting him up for a fight the way we did when we took over this fucking country, you know? So we could justify the genocide of those wonderful people that when they killed a squirrel, they used all of it. Unlike us, what do we do, huh? Through the inside of the fucking Wamp Rat and then use the rest as a hat. For what? Is it goof?

Stamps.com, everybody. White people, the frat boys of people. I'm sorry. Stamps.com. With the holidays almost here, you don't have time to go to the post office. Well, you do, but who the fuck wants to go? It'll be packed with everyone mailing holiday gifts

and packages. So do what I do. Do what I do. Use Stamps.com instead. With Stamps.com, you can void all the hassle, man, of going to the post office during the busy holiday season. Buying print official US postage using your own computer or printer.

Print the postage for any letter or package the instant you need it. Then the mailman picks it up. You never have to go to the post office again. It's a fucking dream. I use Stamps.com whenever I'm sending out any of my posters. Anytime I'm selling some shit at the end of a fucking show. Anytime I think to myself,

you know what, I haven't I haven't shaked enough sweaty fucking palms of complete strangers. You know what I mean? I want to fill that warm armpit of a taller person as they put their arm around me. Sitting right on my shoulder, seeping into my fucking button down. All my posters, everybody. You can print the postage

and all that shit, then the mailman picks it up. All right, right now. I can do you better. I can get you an even better offer than what's on the homepage. Sign up for Stamps.com right now and use my last name, Burr, to get a four-week trial, plus a $110 bonus offer that includes postage and the digital scale. Go to Stamps.com.

Click on the microphone on the top of the homepage and type in Burr. That's Stamps.com. Enter Burr. Okay, it's over. All right. Let's finish off the rest of these here. Okey-dokey. Fun times in Syria. Billy the Cunt.

It's Martin from Sweden. Thank you for this podcast. No worries. It's been more than 10 years since I was almost raped in Syria. What the fuck? Although time passes, the story seems to never get old. All right. You know,

are you really just going to fuck with me on this goddamn level here? Am I supposed to believe this is true? How time flies. It's like you're looking back fondly on this. This is weird. I was 17 when me and my class went on a school trip to Syria. Puts in parentheses,

Middle East. Go fuck yourself. Jesus. I know I'm an American. I know where Syria is. All right. One day all of my classmates were out snorkeling. I stayed in the hostel bed because I had a fever. Two aspirins later, I found myself

out looking for my class in sauna-like temperatures with a foolish mindset. My blonde blue-eyed nature figured the aspirin had cured my fever, so I was in quite good spirits for about seven miles of searching

for the other Swedes. This is creeping me out. Now the fever was kicking back in at this point and I'd given up my endeavors of snorkeling. I didn't know where I was or how to get back to my hostel. At that moment, a taxi pulled over and the driver

asked if I wanted to get a lift. I said I didn't have any money to offer, but he insisted that no money was needed for the ride. Oh, Jesus, is right. Yes. High fever and good amounts of gullibility led me to step into the cab and off we went.

Hi, welcome to Syria, the taxi guy said. You are very beautiful. I didn't want to be rude, so I said thanks back at him. Then he asked me if I liked women. Sure, I replied. Then he asked if I liked big women. Sure, I said. He said, ah, you like big because

same with your dick. He said. What? At this point, I regret getting to the, what the fuck? Ah, you like big because same with your dick, he said. Okay, I thought this was a woman, so it's a guy

and now there's dude. Oh, Jesus, here we go. At this point, I regret getting to the taxi very much in the moment after he was reaching for my package while he was driving. Oh, dude, that's Oh, were you in the front seat?

That's when you got to do what was that fucking Schwarzenegger movie where he gets on the plane with that guy and he pretends to tie his shoe when he comes up with the elbow of death and drives the spine of his nose into his brain and then puts his little fucking Tommy Bahama

hat over his face and he goes, don't disturb him. He's dead tired. That's what you needed to do. Was that raw deal? I think you needed to go raw deal there. Anyways, I say no stop. I said, but the taxi driver was very persistent. He wondered

why he couldn't touch my penis like I owed him the right to do so. I was feeling extremely vulnerable being a teenager foreigner and having a high fever at all. I shouted and stopped the car, but he kept on going. Dude, you got to start going Dave the Hammer Schultz here, right?

You got to fucking, you got to start swinging, man. But he kept on going. I thought about jumping out of the car, but I was, it was going way too fast. I also didn't want to start a fight and risk crashing the car. Ah, Jesus. At some point, dude, you got to pick your poison.

Did it have airbags? Picture pictures of Taliban rape Cades with pulp fiction, gimp suits and gag balls was entering my mind as the taxi car continued to drive on without any intent to pull over. This is really happening.

Oh my Lord, I thought to myself, luckily we came to a traffic light and I managed to get out of the car and on the pavement. I started running when I heard him screaming at me one Syrian pound mister.

Oh God, now you got to get paid for getting, you got to pay him for more than less than you. I got over the experience pretty soon and it have not affected my life to any extent. No fucking way. People sometimes want me to tell the almost rape story and give impressions of the taxi

driver. I can't help to think how unfunny it would be if I were a girl almost getting raped in Syria. Yeah, but you're a guy, so it's fucking everything that happens to a guy is hilarious. Nobody gives a shit. My question to you is why is this kind of a, why is this story kind of funny

if it happened to men but awful in every way if it happened to a woman? Your thoughts on that after you go fuck yourself. PSA hide a lovely near. This is why it's funny because you're able to fight them off it's a guy with an accent grabbing your dick

when you tell the story, oh my friend my friend just like your dick, beep beep, right? It's just hilarious. I remember one night we were down the comedy cell and we were all telling stories about getting molested as kids and it was one of the funniest nights I've ever had. It was so fucking cathartic

and we were just crying laughing. And I remember all the comics where you know, I don't know had a different upbringing. We're looking at it like it was fucked up but it was fucking hilarious to me. And if you told me the story I would be laughing my

ass off. Still knowing that you probably have some sort of fucking issue. It all depends it all depends. If that was the first person that ever touched you if no girl ever gave you a hand job. The fact that it was the first guy that ever did it his hairy fucking hand coming over that could possibly fuck you up

but you know if you had a little bit of sexual activity maybe it doesn't. It's kind of like if you're a relief pitcher and you got some saves under your belt you let up a home run give me another fucking ball but if that's your first fucking pitch that could fuck with you. Why is it not funny

when it happens to women it's the same reason why it's like watching a guy get punched in the head is fucking funny you know if he was like talking shit it's fucking funny you know what I mean but like you know kids, women, animals like this just never anything funny about watching

them get abused but there's just something hilarious about guys. I would say the reason why you get having your dick grabbed and getting molested is funny is the same reason why the Three Stooges is funny. Imagine the Three Stooges if it was women

you know grabbing each other by the hair and slapping each other in the face maybe that would be a little funny I don't know it's just like a guy thing we like slapstick and there's just something funny about him grabbing you fuck stick in some car and then he charged you

one Syrian pound you know what it really comes down to is I imagine being gay is not accepted even remotely in Syria so this guy thought like alright even if this doesn't go down or if it does go down this story leaves this country

and goes back to Sweden so in the way I'm going to say the cab driver was the victim and not you and stop being so selfish I'm fucking with you I'm sorry that happened to you what are you going to do I mean I mean you were kind of asking for it because you were on cold

medication you know I'm going to blame the victim here well I mean what were you wearing I don't know dude that's one of the more I want to say that's one of the more fucked up stories I've ever heard but yeah that just goes into that file I've heard enough of those once yeah that's why it's not funny

so I would actually say that you are fucked up there's no way you're not fucked up because that happened to you and there's there's that feeling where it's just like why is that funny when that happens to a guy and then you feel like you can't fucking

that you should just yeah you know I'm over it like why would that's a horrific fucking thing that happened to you and I'm even like glancing over the whole thing because it's a guy like yeah you know fucking shake it off shake it off and that's part of growing up you have a paper route or something like that there'll be some weirdo coming

at your junk at some point but that's just how it is I remember when that fucking that lady cut the dude's dick off and put it in the garbage disposal one of those shows it's not the view I think it's the talk the Asian lady she was

reading it and as she was reading the details they were all snickering laughing and I remember the bit I was doing one of some guy cut a woman's titty off and threw it in the garbage disposal I mean they would have done a week-long special on that and they would have tried to help the lady out raise some money to get her a prosthetic you know what I

mean so a bra wouldn't be all lopsided that's what the fuck they do but it happens to a guy it's just fucking hilarious and I also think that that's why guys are so fucking funny you know cause uh if a woman gets molested

it's a tragedy if it happens to a guy it's a sketch we really don't have any options you just gotta shake it off man you know having said all that dude I'm sorry that happened to you I'm sure you're emotionally fucked up about it but I would love to hear that story one time cause I want to hear you

imitating the guy you know and then listen to everybody interrupt and so wait how fast were you going dude you couldn't jump out of the car he's grabbing your dick and then everybody be laughing going yeah but if you jumped out then he'd be like holding onto your dick like he's just half in the car

half out of the car right stretching out your dick you know then you have one of those needle dicks cause it's not gonna give you any more girth he's just gonna that's what the whole fucking thing would be you know all your friends would laugh and say that you wanted it you know what I mean why didn't you act like a normal person why did you sit

up front you know that's what guys would do and they would laugh you know you just laugh your way through it so anyways I guess I'm gonna stop there on the uh I can't let's stop on something positive once again I have two benefits that are coming up to two friends of mine that are no longer here um peak coming

um memorial is gonna be December 6th at the laugh factory I will tweet that link and the patrice O'Neill the five year anniversary of his passing is today and um the one truly positive thing that came out of that is we get to remember

him and we get to see our friends and we get to raise some money for his loved ones every year and it's gonna be February 21st of Tuesday 2017 at the New York City Center um thank you to all who uh take the time to check it out and buy some tickets uh means

the world to me that's it go fuck yourselves oh by the way if you want to donate to this podcast uh and not have to give any money if you're doing some Christmas shopping on Amazon go to billbird.com first click on the podcast page you click on the Amazon link doesn't cost you any

any extra money I just get credit for driving traffic there if you want to do it I get it if you don't I understand that's it go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on you on Thursday