Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-29-21

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

Bill rambles about getting sneakers as a kid, his first move as dictator, and a dilemma.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and I can't hear myself. What the fuck is wrong with my... What's going on? You know what? It's probably these Radio Shack headphones. What's going on here? Is that better? There we go. All right, sorry. How are you? How's it going? It's the Monday Morning Podcast for November 28th, sorry, 29th, 2021. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? How's your holiday? Is your holiday shopping? Do you have a nice Thanksgiving? Are you vaccinated? I'm just going to keep asking you annoying questions. Speaking of which, my whole game plan of getting the booster shot, if you're into that sort of thing, not saying you got to be, you know, who gives... I don't give a fuck anymore, right?

So I'm going with it. I'm going with science. I'm sticking with, you know, when has science ever done us wrong? You know, that is the fly in the ointment for everybody who's like pro-vaccinated. They kind of fucking ignore some of the times when they miss the mark. But I don't want to start that debate, but I just did. That's always fun. Anyway, so my game plan was I was just going to walk into the dingiest pharmacy I could find on Black Friday, you know what I mean? Because I knew their patrons would be outside of a fucking Costco or a Walmart trampling each other. And I figured they'd blow it off to go get the Snoopy Snow Cone machine for 40% off, whatever the fuck they're going for, right?

Which is kind of good though. Now that all the shopping's gone online, that the trampling of people to death after Thanksgiving, day after Thanksgiving too, to get trampled to death. I mean, the mess, those, you know, shout out to the first responders who got to mop that mess up, you know? It's great that that has ended unless you're environmentalist. I would think if you're really a hardcore environmentalist, you do not root for people. And when you see a tragedy, no matter how high the death toll is, you're always sad that it wasn't higher. You know, when you see how much where you're just out fucking everything that could potentially slow down the growth, the uncontrolled growth of us, the sprawl of humanity. Jesus, Bill, I thought you were going to be the holiday season.

Sorry. Anyway, so that was my game plan. And it didn't happen because, I don't know, I just ended up getting sidetracked with some other shit. But I will tell you this, it was absolutely perfect flying weather out here in LA. Barely any winds. That's what I say, winds variable. Visibility, 10 statute miles. The sky was blue. Wind had come through and blew all the haze and everything out and old freckles, you know, took it around the block. And I had, I had a blast. I just, I had the best time. Underrated, flying for fun, as opposed to going for a rating after a flying all those approaches and all that type of shit. Even though I didn't get the rating, I learned so much and I'm still studying my cards. So my test expires here in a fucking week or so.

But what I'm going to do is, you know, I feel like I could go in and pass it again immediately. Then I get another two years and then I just got to get geared back up again when I have the time. But having said that, I learned so much, you know, I actually went out, I tracked a VOR or whatever, you know, little thing on the ground shoots up the radar signal for those of you not into this shit. I had a fucking blast doing that. And I also, I've gotten my Christmas shopping is pretty much done. I went out and I got the big, you know, now what are you going to say, gift for everybody? You know, ho, ho, ho and shut your face, shut your face for another year, right? Why would it be so hostile that you're giving gifts? You know what it really is? It's the pressure.

I'm like, oh my God, Christmas is coming. Have you done your Christmas shopping yet? You know, there's not a lot of stuff left. That there's some sort of chip that they need to be making. And because of the pandemic, they haven't been making the chips. So there's not going to be enough bags to buy your wife, you know, there's always that thing, you know, and I fall for it every time. The same way when I watch a horror movie and they build up that and they go around the corner, I always think that person's going to be there. I always fall for that. And then it's not there. And then they come back and then there's the fucking thing, the Babadook thing, right? So I got it all done. And in the process of figuring out like what I was going to get my son,

man, I hooked him up. I bought him the classic Tonka truck, the one made out of steel. And then I got him an AC DC shirt, you know, you know why? Because I'm raising them right. My daughter said to me yesterday, we were driving, I was going to go buy some eggnog, you know, you're either an eggnog person or you're not. I fucking love eggnog. I miss the booze in it, but I'll fucking drink eggnog. You put fucking, what is that, nutmeg in there? I don't give a shit. I fucking love this stuff. I'm like, I can't go to sleep for like three hours afterwards, but I will pour myself a tumbler of eggnog. It's sit by a fire, everything but the pipe, you know. So I was driving and my daughter was like,

dad, dad, can I go with you? And I was like, all right, let's go. So she goes along with me and I was like, you want to hear some Christmas music? And she goes, yeah. And the only one I have is that dumb one. Not dumb, but I've always sung it on the podcast, you know. It's the holiday season. Do be do be do that whole fucking thing. So I'm playing that and she's loving it and everything was awesome. I got to download some more Christmas music and I'm going to take her around playing the Christmas music while she looks at all the lights that are on the house and stuff on the houses, I should say. But I played that thing. And as I was pulling in, you know, to the grocery store, she said, she said, hey, dad, and I said, what? And she said that I actually

wrote the quote down because I always put her quotes in this fucking book here. Jesus, Bill, it would have been nice if you had the thing ready, right? That could have been a nice thing. Hang on a second. What do we got here? What did she say? Oh, it's my set list. Wait a minute. Did I lose it? Whatever. I remember what she said. Anyways, she said, hey, dad, I said, what? She said Christmas is way better than Target. Did I accidentally erase that? Maybe I just sent it to my wife. I think I did. Hang on a second. Oh shit, somebody's in the neighborhood. Yes. I'm doing my podcast. Just knock on the front door. Sorry. This whole fucking podcast just went off the rails because I'm not organized. Why did I do

this? Here we go. Now scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, trying to find the thing, thousand fucking pictures of kids. Oh, Christmas is better than Target. Yeah, that's what I did because we go to Target for her to air quote, test out the toys. And then, which is, you know, it's always a great thing because she's happy. She's psyched, but then there's going to be the inevitable meltdown when I don't buy her anything. You know, because I'll tell you right now, these damn kids today, they think that they're going to fucking get a gift every fucking, every time they go into some place. It's not how it works. It's not how it works. Okay. All right. When I was a kid, I'm doing that shit. When I was a kid, you got one pair of sneakers, the beginning of the

fucking school year, and they bought them like a size too big. So you're floating in them until like fucking the new year. And then right as they started to fit, they look like you had them for 10 years. Then you didn't give a shit. You just kept wearing them. Now these goddamn kids today, they got to have the right pair of fucking sneakers to match their fucking belt on their outfit. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Literally, these little fucking Herb Tarlex walking around that their fucking belt has to match their sneakers instead of their shoes. So anyway, but I got all of that shit out of the way. I got my wife's big gift. All right. I got my son. I got my daughter's big gift. I am fucking done. So now all I'm going to do is listen to this shit.

This is how nice my December is going to be tonight. I'm fucking coming out here. All right. Out to the garage where I got everything fucking hit because I'm pretty so goddamn nosy in my house. I'm going to come out here and I'm wrapping the gifts in November. I'm wrapping the gifts. I bought a fucking Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving or maybe the Saturday. I think the Saturday right after and they had a thousand trees left and I walked in the first one I saw. I was like, that tree is the shit. The guy goes, you want to look at some others? And I'm like, well, I probably should because my wife says I always just go in and pick the first thing and I walked three feet in and saw all this green. I'm like, I'm not looking at all

that shit. I'll take that one. Put it in my truck, brought the fucking thing home. You know, put it up. My wife was like, oh my God, it's beautiful. That's it. Done. Done. I'm going to have my gifts wrapped and under the tree before the goddamn lights are even on the thing. All right, though, relax. No, because I know my life's going to get a little busy here at the beginning part of next year. So I want to make sure that I can do whatever the fuck I want to do in December. I can relax. I don't have to be freaking out. Did it arrive yet? Are there any left? Can we get it in my size? Fuck that. Fuck that. I'm done. I'm done with this shit. I'm done with this shit like Ohio State's dreams of winning a championship are done. That's how done I am

with my Christmas shopping. You see what I did there? Out of respect for Ohio State University, I sing this song. Hail to the victors valiant. Hail to the conquering heroes. Hail, hail to Michigan, the champions of the West. Oh my God. What a fucking game that was. Michigan went out, punched him in the fucking mouth finally, and you got to give it up to Ohio State, man. I mean, what a run. Nine fucking years. Well, really eight years, but they gave that fucking spot to him, you know, but we'll give it to him. Nine years of just dominating the Michigan Wolverines and all with the Ohio State fans, fucking babies about it. That was my favorite part, watching those fucking crying

scarlet and gray fucking. No, I was surprised that there wasn't something trending the next day that Ohio State fans saying that they still should be in the playoffs. So congratulations to Captain Comeback there finally getting past Jim Harbaugh. And OSU made a lot of stupid fucking moves, Bolton board material. Let's hang a hundred on him, stepping on Michigan jerseys. And I didn't even get what Harbaugh said because, you know, some people are standing on third base and they think they, they think they hit a triple. And I was thinking like, what does that mean? They got, they got a walk and somebody hit a double and knock them over. Like I was just too stuck in baseball. And one of my buddies was like, no, this guy inherited this team. And he's acting like he

was the guy that got him there. So I was like, oh, shit. That's like some fucking, you know, head coach, real housewife shit. But I was so psyched. It was great to see the Michigan fans. I mean, it's good. It's not good for a rivalry of what, you know, you got to have a little back and forth. Or it becomes just like while the Red Sox used to be where we just never won. So it just, you kind of showed up just to see the train wreck and also to be like, could this be the year? I guess you either want it to be that way or have it go back and forth. But one of the great rivalries in all of sports, and I used to think the Red Sox Yankees was a big thing until one time I watched one of those ESPN 60 for 60s or 30 for 30s on the Michigan Ohio State

rivalry. And I was like, fuck, okay, this, this is a little bigger than what I've been watching. So you know, I'm just busted on House of Dates balls. It's a great fucking program with great fans and all that type of shit. And I know not all of them whine about making the fucking playoffs every year, but just the ones I know do. So congratulations to the Michigan Wolverines. And how about your New England Patriots? You fucking New England boy won six in a row now, something like that. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. And how about a shout out to wherever the guy was that was doing color, Patriots first Titans, he was driving me up the wall. Patriots kept driving down and, you know, getting field goals instead of touchdowns. And this guy just, he couldn't blow

the Titans enough. I mean, the Titans got to be happy. They're going to be happy with where they're at. You know, they're, you know, they're not giving up touchdowns. You only give a field goal. You know, a lot of people didn't say they'd even be in this game. Who said that? It was a five and a half point spread. Let's not make it seem like it was double digit favorites here. I also love, because one of my buddies says field goals are for losers. And we kicked five of them to the tune of 15 points, which if you keep and score at home is two touchdowns with a two-point conversion. Field goals are not for losers. Unless you're going to say the great Paul Brown was wrong. Unless you're going to tell me, Anna Vitteri didn't happen. And three of our Super Bowl trophies

aren't because of his fucking right foot. Sorry, let me turn this down here. I think I'm fucking red line in here. Anyway, just a great, great victory. I mean, I'm not going to lie to you, our run defense looks a little suspect. But I also know we have Bill Belichick. So he's going to fix whatever that problem is. And by the way, how deep are the Titans at the running back position? You think, you know, Derek Henry goes down, like that's going to be at the end of it. And then they got like, it's like, he was like an Adam that split and they had like these two other guys just running all over us. And the guy just kept going, you know, the color guy, you know, they're doing great. They're hanging in. And then we forced the fumble, doesn't say anything. We go

down and then we have to kick a field goal again. Not to mention we had a touchdown. The only thing I can say that Mac Jones, the one mistake he made, he had a guy wide open for a touchdown. Other than that, the throes this kid was making for that first touchdown in the fucking corner of the end zone. He dropped it in there, dare I say, like Russell Wilson. Anyway, it was a great win. And Mike Vrabel is a fucking great coach too, by the way. He just has an injured team. And I wonder, does he get, does Bill Belichick, because he coached him as a player, is Vrabel part of Belichick's coaching tree? Does anybody know how that works? Or do you then retire and then whoever you coach with begins your coaching tree? That's probably

how it works. I have no idea. But Patriots, all of a sudden, after starting out, two and four are now eight in four. Two big tests coming up against Buffalo. I feel like Buffalo woke up from whatever the fuck they were doing, destroying the Saints, but the Saints also were without their, you know, Drew Brees retired. And then James Winston, unfortunately, ruptured his ACL, I believe so. But I guess you could say Buffalo did what they were supposed to do with the team, you know, essentially with whoever would have been their third string quarterback last year. But those are big tests coming up. I watched the Celtics Spurs. See, this is what happens when you get your fucking Christmas shopping and everything done. Done. I did my

ACDC shopping today, right? I bought a back and black album. I got a t-shirt for my son. And then I got a, I got a, I got a Power Rage t-shirt for one of my buddies. So I was just able to watch all the games, you know, I missed the Bruins when we lost to, we lost to the Rangers. And I think they're playing tonight too. But I watched Celtics Spurs. Jesus Christ. We just came out flat and they, they came out flying. It took us the whole game to get caught up as Perkins said. And then when the Spurs had that last run, we were freaking out of gas, but whatever, I enjoyed all of that. I went on some great hikes. So I kind of leveled out and maybe gained a couple of pounds. Got on a scale in 183. I've been really just having a hard

time fucking dropping this weight. Dude, just, I've been on the road too much, but this week I'm going to hit it hard. Like I've been saying since July, when I was 189, I'm 183. I have lost six pounds, but I just been cease on, but now I just got to focus this five Fridays in December. I'm having five Wayans and I'm hoping to drop a couple of pounds each week, which would get me down to buck 73. And all of a sudden my suits would fit me again. All right. No one wants to see fat freckles. I love him when, uh, oh, it's a Scalabrini. Is that his name? The guy who does the Celtics commentating. I only listen to him every time. I fucking love that guy. I love when he does the, the, the haircut club commercials talking about his red locks. He's like the people want

to see him. Scalabrini, man. I fucking love that guy. You know, um, you know, obviously it was horrible that Tommy Heinzen passed, but you know, this kid came in and just really is doing a hell of a job filling that guy's shoes. Um, really knows the game and he's just enough of a homer that, uh, it, it, you know, I feel like it's a nice nod to Tommy Heinz. I mean, no, we can replace that guy. That guy was, when he used to get on the refs, that was my, that was my favorite thing ever. But, um, anyway, yeah, so I had an awesome Thanksgiving. I hope you guys did too. Uh, played some drums. I hung out with my kids. My son is a maniac. He like headbutts the couch,

throws himself all around. He's just a lunatic. Like he literally has me put my arms up. He comes in like, you ever see like when, uh, when like gorillas run at something and they want to hit it, they bring both their arms up like behind their head and then they come slamming down. That's what he does. He comes running at me and, uh, he really can get going. And sometimes I'm just sitting there watching TV and I don't see it coming and it gives me a nice little shot to the stomach end of the chest. I'm like, Jesus Christ. And then my daughter thinks it's hilarious. If I'm laying down on the floor and I'm not looking, she leaps up in the air and does Hulk Hogan's finishing move on my stomach. And you know, I usually, you know, obviously I see that coming, but one time

I was laying on the floor and I had a pillow or a sweatshirt over my eyes. We have this horrible track lighting in this room, right? So I just had it over my eyes because I was tired and I was just totally relaxed and she leapt up in the air and landed on my stomach when it was totally relaxed. Uh, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital and say, buddy, you can't, you can't do that. You can't treat me like a beanbag, even though I'm shaped like one right now. What else? I did a couple of sets. I took a drum lesson, which is always great. And then I discovered this drummer, Sarah Thawar, T-H-A-W-E-R. And

I think she's an Indian drummer. I always, the Indian drummers are fucking amazing because they have that thing where they, first of all, the crazy time signatures that they play in, but then they also do this thing where when they teach them drums, they have to sing the fill I think before they play it or something like that. That's part of their teaching. And I think that that's why there's such beast because all the musicians I've ever met that are playing on another level, like totally present and just playing this otherworldly shit are able to hear an idea and then immediately execute it. And I think that's from years of just singing something and then figuring out how to play it. And then what happens is the gap between those two

of those closes to the point that you can do it in real time. Like I was talking to this bass player the other day and she was telling me that she would get into a zone and literally not even know what she was playing. And then there'd be some sort of movement in the crowd that would distract her. And then she'd have like a half a second panic of like, oh fuck, where are we in the song? But she was able to recover. But like, I don't know. That's that kind of thing that just that's why musicians amaze me, their ability to like, learn how to speak again, when you perform at that level, I would say, supposedly just sitting down playing a bunch of licks over and over and over again to actually be like, hearing somebody play something, feel something

within you and then communicate it through whatever instrument you're playing in real time in any tempo is fucking insane. So all right, with that, let's do some of the reads here for this week. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's simply, simply safe. You know, if you've ever wanted to make your home feel safe, there is no better time than now. This week, my friends, my old buddies that simply safe for giving my listeners early access to their all to all their Black Friday's deals 50% off their award winning home security. I love simply safe, because it has everything you need to make your home safe, indoor and outdoor cameras, comprehensive sensors, all monitored around the clock by trained professionals who send help the instant you

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for 50% off your entire system. Okay. Oh, not to bum you guys out. But I tell you about those kittens, those stray kittens that just showed up in my yard. This has a potentially sad ending. You know, they were hanging around. We couldn't get them to come in. They wouldn't trust us. They would just take off or whatever. So we're leaving food and we're trying to build their trust. And, and I thought I was about a day away from getting them inside. I was going to put them in a crate and I, somebody told me about somebody, you know, or they had like a no kill thing or whatever. And I don't know, man, they just haven't been here in a couple of days. And I got a bad feeling. I got a bad feeling about it really bummed me out.

I heard some sort of commotion that sounded like a cat and coyotes come down and they were fucking kittens and they didn't know to not like make noise, but they were like grown up enough where they were fast as shit. I couldn't get near them. And I was trying to fucking get them into the damn house. And it just, yeah, I haven't seen him in like three days, but my wife's going like, well, who knows, maybe somebody else got him to come inside. It's like, I don't know, man, once we started feeding them, they were hanging around our yard, you know, so I don't know. I think they got killed everybody because at one night I heard fucking crazy thing. And they weren't making a lot of noise. Like the first time I heard them, they didn't know enough

to not like be meowing really loudly at night. And I was like, you know, we got coyotes, we got raccoons, you know, we got other fucking cats, just so many things out there. I don't know. So if anybody has any suggestions on how to get cats to like, they just, you know, every time you get like close, they would just fucking take off and then I would sit there and not do anything and just have some salmon nearby. But they just wouldn't take it and then you'd leave and then they come and they grab it and they'd run away with it. So I don't know. So bum me out. So I figured I'd tell you guys about it to, I don't know what, what was the purpose of that? Bum you guys out? I mean, that's what happened this week. You know, fucking cats,

man. It was like a zombie movie. They went out there every night. I would just see them. You guys made it. You made it. All right, come on inside. Come inside. Come on. And they were just like, we don't know you, buddy. Do me a favor, set down the fish and slowly fucking walk away. That was the, that was the deal. All right, best man speech here, people. Let's do a little thing here. Best man speech bomb. Oh no, Bill, I worked a wedding this weekend. The best man did one of your bits during his speech poorly. Oh no. He opened up with, I'm borrowing this bit from Bill Burr, and that was the best part of the speech. What, what fucking bit did he do? Hey, shout out to whoever that best man was. You know,

I bomb all the time too, so it happens. Oh, brother. Oh, Jesus. I'm trying to think of a bit that you could, of mine that you could do at a wedding that, uh, he didn't do the gold digging horrors, did he? Oh, Jesus. Hey, you know what? That was probably the first time he's been the best man, hopefully not the last, you know? He threw a pick six, you know what happens? You go up there, as long as his heart was in the right place, you know, I don't think it's, dude, when you, I want to hear more speeches, I'm more people talking about that. When you bomb as a fucking best man, and then you, you got literally, you got the whole fucking wedding of people just looking at you. I mean, you got to go hit the bar, whether it's open, an open bar or a pay bar,

you got to go hit that thing. You got to hit it fucking hard, hard, man. Anyway, let's, uh, let's plow ahead here. All right, this person writes in, Bill is a popular name. Yeah, I was looking up to see, uh, all the names I grew up with, like, I was just thinking, man, they're like really dying off. Like I have not met like a little Mike or a little Steve, Joe, Jason, was a big name. Jason was a big name when I was growing up. A lot of Jason, Steve's, Mike's, Dave, David was a big one. Dave, what's going on, dude? Bob's, Bill's, Tom's, Murray, no, no Murray's. Um, this person is claiming that Bill is a popular name. Dear Billy bitchy balls. I wanted to let you know that your name isn't so rare these days. I have a,

a pit mix mutt bitch with a long nipple and her name is Foxy. And I have a Rottweiler named Jaco after Jaco Pistorius, the bass player. I moved out to the country during the pandemic to get the fuck away from the COVID idiots. And I was outside one night hanging with the dogs and heard a bitchy meow cry. I grabbed a flashlight and found a tiny one pound kitten alone and brought him inside. How the fuck did you do that? It must have been just, I must suck at it. I'm a dog person. He's now best friend with both dogs. And I named him Bill because your podcast seriously saved my flaccid ass from all of the shit that's on the news and seems to get worse. Wait, so you're telling me that my name isn't dying. You just named a cat. You named a kitten, Bill.

When I took Bill per, oh Jesus, to get his nuts snipped at the vet, there was a puppy getting his balls snipped with the name Bill as well. Well, I think that that's basically how a name starts to die off. It's, you know, it starts with people, people like it. And then you fucking, then it's people stop naming people after that name. They start naming pets that name. Anyway, he said there was a puppy getting his balls snipped with the name Bill as well. I was thinking to get nudicles for the cat, but going to wait until they're one of your sponsors. What is that? They filled the ball bag back up again with fucking fake balls. This kitten is hilarious and will sneak treats to my Rottweiler. He has a bitchy meow when he

wants something and is super cute. We even took ball-less Billy Per down to St. Louis when you played at the Fox Theater. You were hilarious and my cheeks were hurting from laughing so much. Sorry to hear about Cleo losing a dog is brutal. You're the best to go fuck yourself, crazy cunt lady. Now wait a second. Nudicles? Like who are you doing that for? The dog doesn't give a shit. Dog probably wanted to keep its balls after that. Nudicles. Testicular implantations for pets. Are you fucking kidding me? Wow.

For over a quarter of a century, CTI Corporation has provided caring pet owners and progressive veterinarians worldwide with safe and effective and revolutionary pet innovations. It began in 1995 with the patented nudicles. Testicular, I would love to see this get pitched on Shark Tank. Testicular implantations for pets helping neuter, hesitant pet owners overcome the trauma of altering and allowing their beloved pet to retain its natural look and self-esteem. The dog gets self-esteem out of having its balls taken replaced by fake balls. That's all for the owner. That is some dumbass shit and I can guarantee you that we'll never be advertised on the podcast. Hey, it's nudicles everybody.

Me granted, I just kind of talked about them. That is nuts. Okay, the shot that killed JFK. Oh Jesus, I drew him out of the woodwork. Hi Bill, love your shows and all your podcasts. Always agree with you. And yeah, I'm a 67-year-old woman and I love the way you come up with your amazing advice for people, mainly the males who write in so quickly. Anyway, if you want to know who killed JFK, look up Mortal Error on Wikipedia about the book Mortal Error, the shot that killed JFK by Bonner Meninger, outlining the theory by sharpshooter Gunn Smith and ballistics expert Howard Donahue. That is that a secret service agent in the limbo behind JFK accidentally fired the shot that killed Kennedy after he'd been shot in the neck by Oswald.

I haven't read the book, but the doc was totally convincing. Love to you and your family. Wait a minute. You're telling me some secret service guy pulled his gun out and shit himself and accidentally shot him in the, what? Now that's a brand new one. Hang on a second. JFK fatal shot secret service agent. Here we go. This will get me on a fucking watch list. Mortal Error. Conducting his own investigation, Donahue decided that the bullet that struck Kennedy in the head and in fact been fired by United States Secret Service agent George Warren Hickey June. Now you're going to put his fucking name out there like you can't even prove it. Okay. Mortal Error is a 1992 nonfiction book by Bonner Meninger, outlining a theory by sharpshooter.

Oh, this person just sort of copied and pasted this. Meninger is also the author of and hell followed with it. Life and death in a Kansas tornado, which won Kansas's note notable book award in 2011. All right. That's interesting. Kansas's notable book award. All right. I'm going to not do the easy joke there. Donahue first became interested in the story of the assassination of John F. Kennedy after participating in a recreation of the shooting as one of 11 invited marksmen and sharpshooters. He demonstrated that it would have been been possible for Lee Harvey Oswell

to have fired three shots in the time specified by the Warren Commission and was the only one of the 11 to better the 5.6 window. However, the experience highlighted to Donahue other concerns regarding the Warren report. And in particular, the fact that the testimony of the ballistics expert seems to have been completely omitted from the commissions. I've already just zoned out. I don't know what I'm reading now. He believes Oswell's second shot through Kennedy's neck may have been already critically wounded. The president by the time the third shot was fired. Donahue was encouraged in his investigations by Ralph Reppert, a reporter, the Baltimore Sun and 77 Ripper

published Donahue's theory in two articles, which appeared May 1. Donahue reconstructed the trajectories of the shot that struck Kennedy and Governor Connolly supported the single bullet theory for a second shot. Donahue decided that the impossible trajectory suggested the Warren Commission was only necessary because there was an error. Oh my God. All right, this is why you're never going to solve it. I can't fucking read all of that. All right. So he's saying that somebody, so he took the gun out because I've heard, you know, cops back in the day when they had their six shooter rookies, the first time they had to pull the gun out in a gunfight. By the time they brought it up level, they were empty. They were so freaking out like fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck. They were like, they were pulling it out, shooting at the ground and bringing it up. Click, click, click, click. Oh, that's interesting. That's an interesting theory. I have no idea. Sounds pretty good to me, man. Thanks for solving it. You heard it here. 44 years after the book came out. All right. First order as a dictator. Hey Bill, longtime fan. I'm too high right now to come up with some alliterations like all these other smart cunts. So I'll just get right to the point. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with mentally tapping out, just being like, you know what? I know my limitations. I'm not good at that shit.

All right. If you were a dictator like Kim Jong-un or Adolf Hitler at the beginning of their reign, what would be the first bill or act you would do? I've been wondering what your response would be to this as this idea popped up in my head multiple times as I drive through Atlanta, Atlanta traffic. Like if I was a dictator, I would get rid of all the cars in the country. Every single one. I don't care how far your job is. I don't care if you have to get your kids or even if your wife is pregnant. You better walk or take a fucking horse because I'd be the only one with the car. God, I fucking hate Atlanta traffic. They just can't drive. Yeah, Atlanta will do that to you. All right. Well, now that you went real selfish, do I have to go selfish too?

If I was a dictator, NFL championships would count. It wouldn't start with the Super Bowl. NFL championships would count. That would be the first thing. That would be one. It would be a three-pronged attack. So that's handles sports. I don't know. It's such a fucking big one. Like what the fuck would I do? I have to do something. I would give massive, massive, massive tax breaks to people for not having kids. And an even bigger tax break if you didn't have a kid and you adopted instead. And then my goal would be to get the world population. But I'd only be running a country. I just see it. Our country's population. Well, if you're a dictator, I could then tell the banks,

well, you can never get out from one of the banks, even if you're a dictator. I would have the fucking my militia take out the bankers. We'd start all over again on a new currency and nobody owed any money. Everything is forgiven. And everybody, you come back in with the new currency, which I don't understand why they can't do this if everybody just agrees to it. All right. Everybody just comes back in whatever you have in the bank is what you still have in the bank, except you don't fucking know anybody, anything. All right. I would then have one four day weekend every single month, not just Thanksgiving. There'd be a four day weekend every single month. Okay. And you think,

well, why are you doing that bill? That's going to make the, you know, the economy tank. I don't give a fuck because the people who will eventually want to rise up against me, I think it's going to take a long time. He's a good shit, man. He gives you a fucking Thanksgiving weekend, 11 extra Thanksgiving weekends. You know, I would do a day, I do away with dress down Fridays. I think that was the beginning of the end of a lot of like respectful ways that people do business. The hostile way now, I would do away now. Another thing too, that, you know, corporations would have to go back to answering their fucking phones and not be like, I'm sorry, that's not an option. Main menu, you know, and just send you back to that first one again. Fuck that. I'd get rid of

that. Oh geez, I'm on a fucking roll now. I don't know. Then I would just do a bunch of things for like emissions, get everybody's emissions down, not saying you have to go to electric cars or solar panels, just whatever we needed to do and really educate people on consumption and all that type of stuff and what we're doing to the environment. And then then you'd have to deal with how we get along with each other. I don't know. I would just set up like, try to set up some things that made people want to help out other people, educate other people that weren't doing as well. You kind of have to do that. Then there have to be some sort of test that, you know, just because you're poor doesn't mean you're,

you know, you're just automatically not a cunt. So you got to make sure that if you're going to help out less fortunate people, they're actually worthy of it. Because just like not all rich people are assholes, you know, not all poor people are saints. So you kind of weed out. I don't know how the fuck you would do that. Yeah, that's a big one. But if I just had to do one, if the one thing that I would do, I would try to do, what is some sort of sweeping change that would fucking stop this, you know, global warming or shit, I would try to do that just so, you know, you see kids, you're like, what kind of world are they going to have? Jesus been an oddly like depressing one, dead kittens, fucking global warming and shit. Dilemma.

You know, that's one thing dictators always fuck up, man. They don't give back enough. You know what I mean? I don't know why they always try to just hoard everything to themselves. It just builds resentment. You know, didn't they learn anything? It's like fucking bread circus and shit that they used to do when they could feel people starting to get hostile. You know, give them a four day weekend. Why can't we have a four day weekend? All it is is just an extra two days off every month. You know, let me ask you this. What if like one week, work week, every month, you just had to go hard on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. All right. You don't have to put in 48, 40 hours. You put in

313 hour days and they didn't have to pay your time and a half either. Right? So they would get 39 hours out of you. They'd also have you nice and fresh on Monday because you get a four day fucking weekend. I mean, what if that's what it was? What if I did that? What if there was 52 three day weeks, a year that you worked, right? But every weekend you had a, you worked three days and then you had four days off every fucking week, but you just had to go hard Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. That's it. There's no overtime. You just had to fucking, you had to show up ready to, you got to show up ready to play Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then you get Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday off. You know what would happen? People would become raging alcoholics. They would

put on fucking, oh my God, how many fucking pounds would you put on? Yeah, there'd be some. I don't know. See, it always starts with a small idea, then it gets out of control. Let's dial it back. Once a month, you go hard for three days and then you get a four day fucking weekend. That's it. That's it. And you get fucking two in, in, in November. And then that becomes everybody's favorite month. And then I would, I would black history month gets moved to March so they get 31 days, which is more than 30 and two more than 29 or 28. And then you make up all those days you fucked them out of since you brought that up. There you go. This is some basic ones. You know, and if you go to a stadium, an opposing team stadium with the other teams jersey on,

and you're acting like a fucking jerk off, they should, they should just be somebody like specific for security just for that person, just for that person. So the person doesn't get hurt. They are just removed. Okay, but they have to do something. The hometown fans can't just be mad because he's wearing the other jersey. You're not allowed to attack the person to hurt them. They are just removed, removed from the situation. And how they are removed is a helicopter comes in, hovers over the fucking stadium, drops a line down, the person is put into some sort of like shrink wrap, and then is hoisted up and brought out like like a log. All right, dilemma, dear bill, would you rather be a simple nerd living on a small budget enjoying his life of board games?

Lord of the ring and rings and nerd books in a one bedroom apartment in a small town and a simple job at the grocery store with no excitement, but complete comfort and peace. I mean, that sounds amazing. Simple dinners on a TV tray and the occasional dessert from the bakery. You're not in shape, but you're not obese. You're unknown to the public. You have a cousin with a family you see on holidays, but that's it. I have no family. I have fucked that. Or be famous single a celebrity and fuck models except there's a long standing rumor going around that you beat the shit out of your ex girlfriend's dog. But the cops let you off because you're famous. Oh, that's easy. Yeah, I can handle that. I never hit that dog. I love dogs. You can easily do that. You just show yourself

out with all your rescue dogs. Anyway, now you certainly didn't. But that's the rumor. Okay, so I certainly didn't beat the dog. It's supported by lots of evidence. And you are commonly known as the guy who kicked the dog. The woman you fuck don't seem to mind the rumor. And you put off that they will fuck you anyway, despite that this that they don't know it's not true. People look at you funny in public. Is it because they believe the rumor or that they know you're famous and like your work? Your life is a house of cards. Which do you choose? Well, you know what, you should have had me have a family in the first one. The fact that I don't have a family. I'm not going to be that fucking pudgy uncle who never got his shit together.

You know, some fuck what of a job, bagging groceries. Oh, but he's happy now I'm out there. I'm gonna fucking, I'll be the bad boy that maybe kick the dog who fucks models. I would choose that. I would choose that emptiness over the previous emptiness, even though you said I was happy and at peace. I guess I got to put that in there with no excitement, but complete comfort and peace. But I'm at peace. If you could somehow rewire me and that first one that I could be in complete comfort and peace, I would absolutely accept that one without a fucking doubt. As opposed to the other one where there was no peace. And fucking models and all of that. I would think that that would get sad

quickly if you were raised right. You know, if you're in your 20s, I would think, it's great 30s. You're kind of like, what am I doing? 40s. It's like Jesus. Jesus. What am I doing? What am I doing? Why are they here? Because the older the bigger the age gap gets, the more concerned you have to be with like, how fucked up is this person that not only they banged me, they now want to have a relationship with me. Like, you got to be thinking that you're getting damaged, good, you know, wrapped up in a beautiful package. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. I would take, yeah, I think I would take the first one. As long as I was at peace, I'm at peace for the fact that I'm a fucking nerd. I don't get to

watch sports or is this me? And I just have to play the role of some guy that wants to play board games. I can I'll put myself in both of those me in both of those situations, I would go out of my fucking mind if I was in the first one, if I was living alone, the amount I already talked to myself, if I had nobody else, I just had these fucking board games and an occasional dessert. And then I have to swing by a family members. Yeah, fuck that, I would, I would be slowly drinking myself to death, probably rapidly at that point. And at that, and I also got the regular job. So I'm not even drinking good booze. So I imagine I would be mixing the booze, you know, with some cola, right? So that's the double whammy.

Yeah, I think I would choose, yeah, I would choose the, the cliched, cliched Hollywood fucking experience. You know, showing up with fucking cocaine boogers in my nose. Oh, God, dude, that's a that's a bad dilemma. Neither one of those were happy. I don't like that. Guys, there was no fucking, I guess that's why they call it a dilemma, everybody. I got a dilemma. It's 10 of five and the sun's already almost gone down. And I still got to go out and fucking do my little, my little hiking hike here, which I'm going to do. I'm going to do it. It's going to happen. It's going to happen. I found this new park. I'm not going into it now because it closes at sunset, allegedly. And that's when the fun begins, honey. I'm going to go

I don't know, take a walk around the neighborhood. That's what I'm going to do. By the way, I went into a fucking record store today. I could not believe the amount of young people, the place was fucking packed. And the amount of young people that were in there was insane. And I was going through, you know, and I was trying to buy these classic albums of my daughter and you know, of course, they had ACDC back in black, but a few others like Joan Jett, I love rock and roll. They didn't have that one. Aerosmith's greatest hits. They didn't have that one. But then I had to think like, well, wait a minute, you know, 40 some odd years of music have gone by, at least with those, the ACDC and the Aerosmith since these albums came out. So I mean, there is

a finite amount of fucking room in there. But like, I was, I don't know, I was kind of bummed. And I was like, all right, well, maybe I can at least get the toys in the attic album, because the song she likes is Walk This Way, which she of course is convinced that the lyrics are for kids play. And I've tried to correct her and I just decided I'd let her figure it out for herself. Because, you know, that song, you can have a lot of different interpretations and her interpretations and four kids play, four kids play, four kids play, you know what? And when she's brilliant enough to say that Christmas is better than Target, who am I to argue? All right, well, that's the podcast, everybody. Old twinkle toes

has got to work off all the fucking stuff and that he stuffed himself with. Hope you guys had a wonderful weekend. Once again, congratulations to the University of Michigan football team. We bow to no one. Congratulations on your big win. Ohio State, unbelievable run. You knew you weren't going to win forever, but fucking, you know, let's see, can Michigan win nine in a row? Who knows? We shall see. But it's very critical right now, because if Michigan beats you again next year, okay? And your coach who built the thing is now down in Jacksonville, hanging out at a Hooters. Urban Meyer, like all of a sudden these young kids might want to start, instead of going to Ohio State, if they're going to go Big Ten, they go Michigan.

And then what happens? A whole lot of whining from the other side is what I'm thinking. So and Bill Belichick, once again, once again, all these fucking idiots when Tom Brady, the Buccaneers, won it last year, were going like, does that mean Tom was the reason they won? Bill Belichick, another blue. He's doing it again. All right. He's on his way again to building yet another championship team, and he's not going to stop until the New England Patriots win number seven. And I have every belief in the world that it's going to happen. There you go. You're hurting here first on the fucking Monday morning podcast. All right, that's the Monday morning podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check it on you on Thursday. And thank you to everyone who came

out to Supernova this weekend. All right, I'll see you.