Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-3-14

Episode Date: November 4, 2014

Bill rambles about test pilots, The Pink Conspiracy, and Halloween.

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I'm doing a podcast for Monday, November 3rd, 2014. How you doing? Jesus Christ. I'm trying to get comfortable here's what's going on. I'm actually doing this, my podcast in a studio. Which I never do. I always do it at home. Laying in my fucking underwear. Right? Now I'm in a studio.

The all new, all things comedy network. Podcast studios. One of the first guys over here to do my podcast. And I have to tell you, it's a wonderful experience so far. And I already know what some of you assholes are going to say. Now that I've given that information, that I'm not doing my podcast lying down. Dude, you're funny when you're not seated. You're going to sit there and break my balls about that.

I don't give a shit. Go ahead and do it. Because by the time you give me shit, this thing is already recorded. What the fuck do I care? I've gotten on with my life. I'm down the street having a snow cone. You know? That's the life I'm living. Huh? When did that, you're not about this life. Hit the white mainstream.

If I hear one more white person fucking say that. That's going to be the next African American expression. That they're going to have like old white grandmother saying in fucking cheesy comics. Sorry, cheesy comedies. Why won't I sip that? That does sound like a fart there. I just sip some water there. You're not about this life. Oh shit, the old white lady said the thing the young black kids say.

If only she could give the finger and there was an orangutan, you'd have yourself a comedy. Alright, so how the hell are you? I had a long ass friggin' weekend. I ended up going to a wedding. You guys like going to those things? Going to weddings. You know I loved about this wedding? There was no dancing. Okay, and when you're as white as me. That is a very enjoyable moment.

You know what I mean? Oh my god, there's going to be booze and there's going to be no dancing. And you're going to have a quick, beautiful ceremony. Is there any way I can retroactively pay for this beautiful service? It was tremendous. It's one of the best weddings I've been to. So I want to thank those two people who got married for having such a wonderful, beautiful, yet quick service. That's what you want by the way. When you get married, all you people out there fucking torture and everyone with your long ass ceremonies.

You know, like the king and queen of one of those stupid countries with the pasty people over there in Europe. Who else has a king and queen left over in Europe? Is it like England? They're like the Wrigley Field of governments over there, right? They got these fucking jerk offs who just won't stop fucking each other because they got the same kind of bloodline. So then all of them sort of in a roundabout way look like the English version of Eli and Peyton Manning, you know? That's the deal, dude, like when you fuck, okay, or at least when you go to Procreate, you got to get outside your circle. Okay, you got to run a post-pattern.

Get off your block. You know what I mean? Can't start banging the girl next door. She's right there. She smelled your toast and all the shit you were eating. I'm telling you, you're going to get like a fucking, I don't know. You're going to get those weird kids who never wants to leave the town, right? All he dreams about is driving a fucking truck to plow the snow, you know?

It was a big thing when I was in Massachusetts, you know, getting a fucking state job. All those guys, you know, it's fucked up and angry and on edge. And as racist as Massachusetts is, people always goes, why are they liberal? Why do they still vote Democrat? It's because the amount of people there that want to get a state job so they can lean on a fucking shovel, drive one of those orange pickup trucks like a half a mile an hour in the breakdown lane. Dude, you're driving too fast. Fucking slow it down.

This is supposed to take all day. I knew a guy a long time ago. I worked in a warehouse and he had, he quit the postal service because he was bored out of his mind. He was a young kid and he knew somebody and he got in with the post, working for the post office and he went out and he did his route and he was done with it by 11 and the old timers go, what the fuck are you doing here? Get out of here. Don't come back till four o'clock.

You're going to fuck this whole thing up. So he went out and he like went to the movies and got like a sandwich and came back. And he just, because he was raised right, he couldn't live a life like that right now. You know what I love? It's this possibly somebody who works one of those jobs listening right now. And I want to ask you, how do you live with yourself? How do you get up every morning taking eight hours to do a fucking two hour job? How do you do that shit?

You know what I mean? Do you really feel like you're getting away with something? That would be just be torture. Just imagine like whatever. Make anything takes four times longer than it should. Right? Cooking yourself an egg in the morning. Cooking it on low.

Just sitting there fucking, rather than being ready in like three minutes, 12 minutes later there's a fucking fried egg. That's the worst example ever. But you know what I mean? Step on the gas pedal. Your piece of shit. No, it's awful. I'm so pro union.

It's ridiculous. But I feel like so many of the unions literally became what the fuck they were fighting. And then they just became assholes. And then the corporations were like, well, you know, fuck you then. Keep your union and we'll take the factory. We will move it elsewhere. Oh, look at this. It's a third world country.

Are there any laws even down here? Fuck it. We'll go back to playing people the way we did before the triangle shirt waste fire there. Look at me. Oh, who took a double deck of tour bus in fucking New York? I did this guy. All right. I just fucking leaned back too far in the chair and I disconnected it.

You know what? This is a brand new studio. So we're going to have some glitches. It was a glitch. The hatch just moved. Anyway, so these fucking people were making shirts. And when you made shirts back then, you had a little bit of waste. You had shirt waste.

Long story short, somebody threw a fucking cigarette in there. I don't know what happened. They didn't have any fire escapes and the goddamn doors were locked and everybody had to basically jump to their fucking deaths. And that was the reference. It's not a very funny reference, but it is a reference. Speaking of which, did you guys see that virgin airplane that goes out into space crashed? Fucking terrifying is that.

Dude, the goddamn balls to be a test pilot. To go up there. All right, we designed this thing. Now on paper, this thing should work. And then you have to go up there and basically see if it works. And then once it works, you have to start seeing how big the fucking, what the envelope within this thing can perform in, which basically involves what they, you know, the whole push in the envelope. Like whatever.

They flew a helicopter and they said you can't go beyond 102 knots or else you get fucking retreating blade stall. Like how do you learn how to do that? That means some other fucker has to go 103 knots. Because you know when they say it's 102, you know, they still stop it way before. But I mean, somebody had to have the balls to just keep pushing that stick forward. What the fuck? They think stand up comics are fucking psychos to be a test pilot. I mean, and then, you know, it's the worst thing about that is what excites you after that once you're on the fucking ground.

Oh honey, look, I'm so happy you're home. Look what I did. I rearranged the furniture here. Isn't this great? It just like opens up the room, don't you think? Why do you just stare at me like that when I say things? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm not 30,000 feet off the fucking ground. I'm down here holding on to. I'm holding down the fort for you. Where you coming from, huh? Did you get another blow job after one of your test flights? And what does he do? He just stares at it, right? Maybe starts laughing like Ray Leota and good fellas.

That fucking lap. So he's wiping his eye and he goes back out to a rocket ship with Joe Pessie. What the fuck kind of people are they? That's your life. And you can't relate to anybody anymore. That's the deal. Everybody's looking at you like, what's your fucking problem? It's like, what's my fucking problem?

I've been like, I went to the moon. That's my problem. I'm talking to you who, you know, went to the Patriots Broncos game and you got your fucking eyebrows up like what you just did was exciting. And I'm sorry. I'm having a little difficult, little difficult time relating to you right now. You know, you know, his wife is giving him shit. You have to stop bringing up the fact that you've been to space, you know, that you test pilots, test pilots, you test airplanes. Anyway, so, um, so they got this plane that goes up into space.

I mean, and they're just going to go try this fucking thing out. The balls of those guys. Unfortunately, it didn't fucking work out. Dude, there is no fucking way. Do you realize the amount of fucking jackasses slash former members of boy bands that are just lining up to pay 200 grand to be the first fucking jerk off. Absolute fucking jerk off to get on one of those things. Okay. If you got 200 grand to do it, keep it in your pocket.

All right. Let other people be the test pilot passengers for this fucking thing. You don't do that. It's like when like a new fucking iPhone comes out when they came up with that LASIK eye surgery, you know, and people were getting blinded and they were fucking it up because it was new. You don't fuck with new technology is all I'm saying. Fucking idiots. I want to go out into space. You're nuts.

You're nuts. What would you, you know what? I actually got to think here. What would I rather do? What would you rather do? Would you rather risk your life going into space or go scuba diving? To me, those are the two big, the two probably most terrifying things I've ever seen in my life. Oh, yeah.

I got to tell you this weekend. I fucking when I went to that wedding, there was a, I was out in Palm Desert and stayed at this really cool hotel that had this. This basically lounge act and I don't disrespect the person, but it was a lounge and he was doing his act, right? And, you know, older guys, like in his 60s or whatever, and he was singing the shit out of these Frank Sinatra songs. He was great. Really was great. And, and it was fun watching the older people watch the guy because in the end he had all this whole, this whole patriotic thing that he did, like a salute to the troops, except it was real. You know what I mean?

It's just a different time. Like these guys are like, well, wait a minute. He was born in 1949, I think. I looked him up. So he would have been 20 in 1969. Oh, fuck that. He's probably the Woodstock generation. Anytime I see old people like salute in the flag, I just think they fought in World War II.

I think I watched too many episodes of that Ken Burns, the war, but whatever, it was a nice thing. And the veterans in the crowd stood up, a bunch of old guys and all that. It was a really nice thing. But in between, he was telling these, he was 100% Sicilian. He was telling these fucking old, old, old school jokes that, of course, would bomb in a comedy club, but within the context of what he was doing, they were great. And one of the things he said, he said, you know, I'm 100% Sicilian. My, my birthstone is cement or something like that, which obviously, you know, fucking high old time joke. But it just reminded me of one of the worst deaths.

I've actually thought about this, like if somebody ever, you know, wanted to take you out and you're standing on a fucking boat in cement that's drying, and it's at night and they're taking you out to the ocean and they're just going to toss you fucking overboard. I would be just standing there weeping, just going, just shoot me. Just fucking, ah, we can't, man, the blood splatter, we're going to get caught. Well, can you fucking shoot me as you throw me in? Just give me a gun. Right as you throw me in, I'm going to pull the trigger. Is that all right? I'll count to 1000.

Nah, I'll already be in the water. It won't work. Like, what happens? Is there any medical person out there? Is it a quick death? I just can't imagine, it's your fucking going down, waiting for your goddamn head to explode. And then you'd want to, like, somehow, like, just take a big gulp of water to end it. And you couldn't, your body wouldn't let you fucking, oh my god.

You know what just kills me about that is you just keep going down and down and down and down. Stay past where all the fucking submarines anybody's ever fucking gone. You're going to keep going. Now, granted, the pressure is going to fucking cave you in at some point, right? Just the fucking weight of that water. You know what would be worse if your survival instinct kicked in and you kept clearing your ears as you went down for as long as you fucking could? You just pee, pee, pee. Is he fucking going down?

Like, just some futile attempt to just survive. You keep clearing the fucking air out of your use station tubes, you know, so your fucking eardrums don't explode. Oh, Christ. What a fucking way to go. And that's all I actually zoned out as he was singing, What is a man? What has he got? Damn, not himself.

Then he is shot, right? I just kept, the whole time he was singing that. To speak the words he truly feels, right? I was just picturing going down to the bottom of the ocean in cement shoes. And not the words of one who deals. It was like this little good fellow film was going on in my head. I mean, granted, I was a couple of scotches in. Oh, you know what?

So it was a buddy of mine who got married and I was supposed to get him some cigars. And I've been so busy with my day job, writing on the, or sitting in the room, pitching jokes on the soon to be hit animated show in December of 2015. F is for family. I'm going to hype this fucking show. I'm going to hype this fucking show for a year. So you guys better get, you've got to get ready. You know what I'm literally doing? Like when they said this, you know, when they hyped it and when it's actually coming out, it's like how long it takes for a guy in the mass pike to drive to a pothole fucking a mile away.

Anyway, so I didn't have time to get the cigars, right? So I got a hook up out here to get the old fucking Cubanos there. And anyways, this, I didn't do it. So I go out to Palm Desert and I'm like, all right, there's all these old fucking staunch Republicans out here. They all got money. They all like playing golf. They like smoking fucking cigars. I know they got Cuban cigars.

So I just don't go to a smoke shop. I look for a high end fucking place that actually has a little bit of a lounge thing, right? You know, fucking wooden indie and outside and shit, you know, all the old school stuff. So I find one, right? And I walk in there and I'm just like, Hey, man, it's my buddy's, you know, he got married today. I'm in between the actually the wedding ceremony and the after party. I was supposed to get cigars.

I fucked up. Can you help me out? He goes, yeah, sure. Come on in the human door. So I say to the guy, Hey, you got any, you know, you got any, uh, monocrystal or, uh, you know, party guests, any fucking, you know, basically. And he goes, uh, I go, you got some Cubans. He goes, well, I got these over here. And I go, you got any Cuban cigars?

And he goes, Cubans cigars are illegal in the United States of America. I just wanted to fucking slap him in the face with a book of matches. Oh, really? Thank you. Like I don't fucking know that. Jesus fucking Christ. Well, maybe because I look like a cop. He said, I mean, what the hell heroin is not legal.

What's that? Do you know, I know it isn't. I'd still like some. I'm asking you to do an illegal transaction here. I have cash. I've never fucking been, you know, every place I go to out here, you just fucking ask him. They have him in the back. And this is what's funny is people say they say this shit, right?

They'll go, uh, you know, actually, uh, like 99.9999 and 99% of the fucking Cuban cigars in this country are fake. And you know what? They're wrong because I've been outside this country and I've smoked them and they taste the exact same. And then they're going to say, well, you know, once Castro fucking blue, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all those companies fucking moved out of Cuba. Go fuck yourself with your theories. You read an article on one of those websites that have lists. I don't give a shit. All I know is that the Cuban cigar that I smoked in Paris, France tastes the same as the one out here.

Okay. So whatever it is and that thing tastes way better than all of the fucking legal ones. All those other ones that they say, oh, that's David Dahl fucking Nicaraguan, you know, tastes better. Don't test it higher than the Cuban ones. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. You're still comparing them to Cuban cigars and there's a reason for it. It's just like how every fucking car compares itself to something German or Italian or whatever, right?

This is like a Ferrari except it's only 40 grand. You know, by the way, I, uh, I'm going to talk cars here for a second. So, um, what do I got to do here? I got to read some of the advertising for this week. Dahl's going to put on his fucking horseshoes here. He's going to read the advertising. All right. Live reads.

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Enter Burr. All right. All right, let's talk Kaz. So, I've been threatening that I was going to buy a new car. The old Prius is getting old. The old fucking Prius, she ain't what she used to be. Actually, to be honest with you, all I need to do is get a little interior work done.

Just freshen her up. But, you know, there's a couple cars out there that I got my eye on. One of them was the Mercedes-Benz and AMG fucking psycho-level car, right? And the other day, yesterday, I saw one on the highway. Has this ever happened to you? You see your fucking dream car,

you see the car you want to, and then you drive up and you're like, I just got to see what the person looks like that's driving it. I bet they look like an astronaut, fucking test pilot of some shit, right? A war hero. I pulled up along this car. This guy could not have looked like

more of a fucking dirtbag. He was like in his 20s, you know? He just looked like a fucking, I can't even, I can't explain it because I'll get in trouble, you know? And not really by the fucking politically correct police, just by, you know, this nationality of people, like if pit bulls became human beings, he just looked like a fuck.

If I ever had a daughter and this guy showed up at the door to date her, I don't know what I would do. I would do something fucking crazy and then I would start weeping afterwards. He just looked like the biggest piece of shit ever and I was just like, am I a piece of shit? Well, I am a piece of shit, but am I that kind of a piece of shit?

Is that what I'm going to look like? But then if I get the car, other people will be like, oh, that's my dream car, and they're going to pull up alongside him and see fucking Ron Howard driving the thing. It's going to ruin it for him. I think Mercedes-Benz ought to pay me not to buy one of their cars,

or at least give a free tinted window package to me so it doesn't fucking hurt their product. I don't know, but I'm going to get one, and this is what I'm doing. Right now I can get the car, but I have to wait till the downstairs is done in my house, because that is a bad fucking move. You don't want to go out and buy a new car

when people are doing work on your house because they'll just think like, okay, this guy isn't spreading himself too thin. This guy is just bottomless. It's not fucking true. You can get yourself in any car for like $1,500 now. Sign a goddamn lease on the thing. They don't give a shit.

They give you fucking eight miles a month. Oh, that sounds good, right? Drive home, you're already over the miles. Any fucking jerk. That's the thing now about cars. Back in the day when you had to buy them, you actually had to be able to afford them. So when somebody came down the street

and a Cadillac or Mercedes or something like that, you could look at that man, and it was a man, because those bitches stayed home back then, right? He was a fucking man, and you could look and hold your head high and go, I wonder who the fuck he robbed to get that goddamn car. What did he do?

You know? That's the great thing about being an entertainer is people, you know, you gotta admit, you know? Entertainers, we earned our money. We started out in the fucking lounges, you know? I'm totally doing this lobbing it over the net, so you fucking cunts out there can actually rip me apart

and say that I don't deserve it. No, I think I'm... I just gotta get through this fucking build. Once they just finish this fucking thing, it's almost done, people. They literally, they put in the hardwood floors. Okay, I have floors downstairs now. They're putting a tile in in the fucking laundry room.

That's gonna be done. Everything's gonna fucking make sense. Do you know my fucking washer and dryer? We're in a closet off of my kitchen. Does that make any fucking sense? Put them downstairs. Now we turn the laundry room upstairs into a walk-in pantry. All right?

That's so I can resell it someday. Because one thing I've learned about women, they like being able to walk into something where they can put a bunch of shit. You know? They don't want a closet. They want to walk into the closet. Oh my God, look at this.

I can walk in and put all my stuff here. They're in a kitchen. They like the kitchen, but if they can walk into a pantry, I can put the flower over here and a mixer over there. I can walk into it. That's what you want to do.

Like if I was still a single man, I would build like some sort of walk-in closet, like a mini one, like leading to my dick. Right? And then you just go out to the... Actually, didn't Justin Timberlake do that? He put his dick in a box. You know, not every idea is gonna be original.

Anyways, so anyway, can I give you guys a little bit of promotion here? With the All Things Comedy Network that was... It's a podcast network that I started with Al Madrigal and a couple other fellers. And it's basically, you know, it's basically owned and operated by stand-up comics. And we don't own anybody's podcast.

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because he had the best goddamn stories I've ever heard. You got to listen to it. I'm such a white guy from the fucking East Coast. Anything remotely Latino, I can't even pronounce it. That's embarrassing. I've listened to all this fucking comedy too. What a piece of shit I am. Anyways, check it out.

It's going to be on iTunes. All right, let's get back to the podcast. Can we talk a little football? Yeah, I'm not going to brag about the Patriots beating the Broncos. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to act like Tom Brady is better than fucking Peyton Manning.

I'm not going to do that shit. I'm not going to do that. The record speaks for itself. Head-to-head matchups. I hate when people do that. Look at how he's seven-to-two against a lifetime. Well, I guess that means he's a better quarterback. I think it all comes down to when you add your opportunities,

what did you do with them? That's basically what it is because everything else is you got everybody else on the fucking field. People always come up with a reason to blame it on the biggest guy, and I don't think that's necessarily fair. Although that pick six he threw against the Saints was his fault. I'll give him shit on that one.

And, but I also think Brady should have hit Wes Welker. Guy was fucking wide open. He threw to the back shoulder. Welker, oh, she should have caught it. It's just a fucking shame. And then what happened? Next thing you know, Eli, the fucking middle child, ends up with more rings than Peyton.

Figure that one out. But the thing about Eli that you got to love about that guy is as much as he looks like he always has a cold, the bigger the game, the better he plays. So I fucking love that guy. Despite the fact his team kicked my team's ass twice in the Super Bowl. But you know what, when you've won three others,

I guess it's okay. You know, I realize the Patriots are actually, have been in, I think, more Super Bowls. How many have we been in? Let's see, we lost to the Bears. We lost to the Packers. We beat the Rams. We beat the Panthers.

We beat the Eagles. We lost to the Giants. We lost to the Giants. That's seven. Our record is three in four. I think the Cowboys have been in the most Super Bowls. What's their deal? They lost to the Colts.

Then they beat Miami. Right? So those were two. And Miami beat the Redskins. And then Steelers beat the Cowboys. And the Cowboys beat the Broncos. Then Steelers beat the Cowboys. So that's five.

They've been in eight. And then they beat the Bills twice. And then they beat the Steelers. So they've been in eight. Patriots have been in seven Super Bowls. How the fuck did that happen? These are the goddamn doormats of the league. Playing in that high school football stadium.

Unbelievable. But yeah, I'm not going to brag about shit. You know, we also let up 21 points. We still suck against the run. And it's also a regular season game and all that type of shit. So like I said, I'm not going to really fucking brag about that. I am happy that we won and all that type of shit.

But I got to be honest with you, I have no idea who the best team is right now. I mean, could somebody explain to me the San Diego Chargers? What the fuck is that? Like, if you bet on football this year, you're out of your mind at this point. You should just cut your losses and go home. 37 and nothing against the Dolphins?

You know, no disrespect to the Dolphins. But the fucking Dolphins? 37 and nothing? I missed the whole game. So I should just shut the hell up. I was at that stupid, not stupid event. I was doing that event thing. As a sports fan of me saying that it was stupid.

But whatever. So I have no idea. I don't know who's shot. I don't know who's not. I don't know who's good. I really don't. But the Patriots look how the Patriots look every year to me. Since we stopped winning Super Bowls.

So, you know, I think we're once again, I love that we're somehow number one against the pass. That's great. But I don't know. It'd be nice if we could have been at least seventh against the run as opposed to like dead last. I'm quoting somebody from last week. I might be wrong about that.

But, you know, so whatever. I hope, I hope, you know, whatever. I know we're going to make the playoffs, obviously, because our division fucking stinks. And I don't know, what about the Jets? Jesus fucking Christ. One in eight. Thank God for their eighties.

Or they'd have the worst team in the league. Unbelievable. I'll tell you right now, you know, it's going to be a fucking bargain to pick up is Rex Ryan when they fire that guy. Because that guy is a good coach. I don't like that he talks shit and disrespects other fucking teams. And he does.

And it comes from a place of insecurity, I think. And then he tries. No, you can't get mad at me. I respect people. Shut the fuck up. You ran your mouth when you had a good team. Now your team stinks. And now you're not talking.

So maybe he is a good guy. Maybe he did learn his lesson. I'm going to wait for Rex Ryan to have another good team. And if he doesn't talk shit, then I'll be that guy. He kind of learned a lesson then. But I think most of the reason why he's kept his mouth shut is because his team has stunk. However, I will say this.

That team is not his fault. You got to get rid of that GM. Coach is only as good as the players. I sound like one of those stupid analysts on fucking ESPN. But it's true. He doesn't have anybody. And Geno Smith, from what I heard, was the dead GMs. That was his big fucking pick.

What are you supposed to do? So whatever. So he's going to get blamed. He's going to get fired. The GM is going to get fired. And then someone's going to pick up Rex Ryan. And I think, you know, if he gets with the right GM, I think, you know, that guy took the jets to like within two plays

or one drive, I should say, of getting to the Super Bowl. The fucking jets. That's an accomplishment in itself, you know? So I don't know. It's weird. I remember for the longest time, I used to wish, I just wish the jets would lose. And I fucking hated Rex Ryan because he was talking all that shit.

And I wanted to see the guy flame out exactly what the fuck's happening. And now it's happening. And I feel bad for the guy because I feel like what's going on is not his fault. I wanted him to lose with the fucking players that he picked because he talked all that fucking shit. You know, we're going to win a Super Bowl. We're the best fucking team in this fucking league. All of that shit drove me up the goddamn wall.

But now it's now it's how I can't root for a guy to lose his job. Can I? Yeah, Jesus. I don't know. Anyways, how much time have I done here, by the way, Mike? Well, we started over, didn't we? Or this is the real time? 37 minutes.

All right. 37 minutes in. All right, what the fuck else am I going to talk about? Oh, I did a benefit for Pit Bulls last night. It's one of my favorite benefits of the year because I absolutely fucking love dogs. I also showed up and there's all these Pit Bulls there that need to be adopted and stuff. And they're just the best, the best fucking looking like if you drew a dog's face, that's what a Pit Bull, you know, what their face looks like.

That is just a fucking dog. So I went over there and there's all these poor dogs that had their fucking ears clipped and shit. You know, they went through all this goddamn pain and they're just sitting there, you know, and they're looking scary because their fucking ears are all cut up and shit. So I go over to pet this one, right? Great fucking dog. It's one of those dogs where you start petting it, it like leans into you, it puts all its weight on you, and I wasn't prepared for that and I squatted down like a catcher

to pet this thing and it just fucking leaned into me and actually knocked me over. Like a fucking asshole. But, ah, it was crazy. They had puppies there. You know, if my dog wasn't such a psycho and wouldn't try to fight another dog if I brought it in, I would own three of them. So I just got to ride it out with the crazy dog that I love now, give it the best life possible. But when that chapter is over, I'm going to get a blue nose, a red nose,

I'm going to get an all white one, and I'm going to get a black one. I'm going to have four of them. And even then, that won't be enough. That's how much I fucking love that breed of dog. So it was a fucking great time going over there and doing the show. Actually, I did two shows and the first show went great and the second show. I don't know what happened. I think I went out and I went out too hard.

There was a comic in the room that I wanted to impress, a comic that I liked when I was starting out. I mean, I still like them obviously, but I tried to fucking, I swear to God, nothing will humble you like fucking stand-up comedy. Every time you think you got it down. I got this fucking figured out. What ends up happening? You go up there and I didn't eat my balls, but I definitely, I munched on them a little bit.

I swear to God, I thought I said it the same funny way. I went up there and I said, you know what, I just hope that when it's all said and done, all the money we raise here tonight, some of it actually trickles down. To the dogs or something like that. Because you know, all these half of these fucking, these goddamn charities are total scams. Just as far as like, you know, the amount of money that goes towards whatever the hell they're trying to stop versus what they line their pockets with. I mean, it's a scam.

Somebody sent me something where, you know, the amount of charities out there that, that they name their charity that almost sounds like the legitimate charity, you know, like that coming to America instead of McDonald's, it's McDowell's, they do that. And these fucking pieces of shit will just put a picture of a starving kid or something like that. And then you feel bad and you drop some change and they're a couple bucks and they just keep it and they go out and they get a house. All right, we had another glitch with some of the why is here. The fuck was I talking about?

It'll get better people. It'll get better. If you get down there and get your all things comedy, $5 fundraiser stickers. Do we even have a website? Mike, do we even have a website where I'm supposed to tell these people to get these fucking stickers at? Oh, right there. Go to TubeStart.com. If you'd like to stop hearing delays in this podcast, now whatever, we'll figure it out. Anyway, so these cunts, they start a, they start a, a, what do you call it, a charity? And they name it like another charity that's actually legitimate.

And then they put some, you know, sad puppies face or who the fuck knows what. And then they make a bunch of money. Next, you know, they got a big house sitting by pool and they don't feel one ounce of guilt. They're absolutely, you know what would happen to these people if they actually did something like that in Singapore? You know, where it's illegal to spit gum on the sidewalk. I can't imagine the caning that these people would get. And they would fucking deserve it too. As horrific as a caning video is.

I actually have a theory people. Oh, Billy Gossip is coming with the theory. I've noticed this year, you know, a lot of stuff came out about a certain campaign that, that was raising awareness that made everybody wear the, well, it's not quite a magenta pink, the pink campaign. A lot of shit came out about that. A lot of unsavory fucking shit over there about that campaign about how much money was being raised and how much was actually being appropriated toward actually finding a fucking cure for. Breast cancer and how much was going into new tiling inside this person's fucking Olympic size pool. And also a lot of shit came out about the NFL and their pink jerseys. And by a lot of shit, I mean the website I went to in the one article that I read about, I thought it was a legitimate website.

I mean, it was on the internet, right? And they were saying that like, you know, like 95% of the profits from those jerseys went into the NFL's pockets. And I think that people were starting to blow whistles. And but the NFL makes so much fucking money. For media giants, ESPN, fucking Fox and NBC that they all kind of squashed it. And I think that the pink lady and the NFL both made their money and they slowly back it off each other. And just going to pretend it never fucking happened because this year they went from oh my God, if I see another fucking pink thing again in my life. I'm going to kill myself last year.

You couldn't escape it. I mean, I remember I was in New Orleans working and there was like a I went to this casino in the blackjack table. That was two years ago. The blackjack table was pink. It was all fucking over the place. And now I notice this year straight across the board, the NFL and everywhere else way, way, way the fuck toned down. Way the fuck toned down. And I think they're all slowly walking away from some unsavory shit.

They just acting like it never happened. Hey, you know, whatever we should like that crimes and misdemeanors with somebody got killed, but nobody got caught. And you just kind of get over it after a while. You just get on with your fucking life. I think if I had to guess. But then I'm a negative. I'm not a negative prick. I'm a cynical son of a bitch.

And I think that that's what happened. Someday that Oprah will make a fucking movie about it, right? The Lifetime Network. Someone will play the pink lady. No, Oprah wouldn't do that, right? That's it would make women look bad. She's not about that. If there's a guy, you know what?

They just say it was based on real events. And then somehow they would make the reason why the evil woman at the head of the pink campaign did it was because some guy was verbally abusing her or hit on her when she walked down the street. There's a couple of another like non stories and stand up comedy. Like the fucking outrage. You know, back when I was a kid, when people got outraged, what they did was when they wanted to find out if people were actually outraged, they went out in the street and they talked to people. Now it's like marketed outrage. So I don't even buy into it.

You know what I mean? Like this comic. They did this whole fucking thing. This woman made a video. She walked around New York City for 10 fucking hours. 10 hours. Yeah. You fucking walk around in public for 10 hours as a good looking woman.

Somebody's going to hit on you, right? They should follow me for 10 hours. It'd be the exact opposite. Instead of people hitting on me, they're like, hey, over here. Anybody? Acknowledge me. And then in the end I get mugged. Jesus Christ.

A bunch of fucking cry babies now. You know what I love? All the fucking clothes she was wearing were made in a sweatshop somewhere. So as much as she's having a fucking problem, people calling out how nice her ass is, there's some crying child that made those jeans that are so wonderfully cupping her booty cheeks. You know? And you know, I think that's one to grow on. I don't give a fuck.

I think that's somebody just a bunch of bullshit. Everybody flipping out about it. It's such a lazy goddamn story. And then you know where they always get started? Some fat fucking blogger's site. Some victim douche makes a fucking video. And then they always end up on those cheese balls sites, those list sites that steal six hours of your life.

Top 10 turtles in the Indian Ocean. All of us said, oh, jeez, I wonder what those look like, you know? How the fuck did you end up there? The top 20 worst plastic surgery nightmares. The top 100 porn star blowjobs in the month of March. I mean, as much as I'm making fun of them, I obviously because I can make fun of them. I know what the fuck they are, but I don't know. I don't think there is any outrage.

I don't. And I think they just find like two or three fucking people and just try to magnify it. Right? Someone will get upset about anything. Like this fucking chick up there in Oregon who had an inoperable brain cancer and decided that rather than go through it, she just wanted to die. I was actually reading this story. She went to Oregon because if you want to die up there, they let you do it.

You know, and the hospitals are like, wait a minute, how dare you decide to die and we don't make any money off of it. Like, God damn it, this goes against the Lord. You need to come into our hospitals and lay there and we'll medicate you and we'll just drag this fucking thing out and then stick your alive relatives with a six-figure bill. How dare you go around all of that? She basically, medically speaking, was off the grid. So she decided to go up there.

It was actually fucking creeping me out, you know? She went up there and she picked out the house that she wanted to die in. She picked out like a little yellow house and then just basically took drugs like I'm dying now. Do you realize the fucking nerve that that takes? I couldn't do that as much as, like, I could. If you were going to put cement shoes on me and you gave me a cyanide pill, which is probably a horrific death too, but it's nice and quick. Yeah, I'd do it, but I'd still have to psych myself up, you know?

Trying to think what prayer I could say to a higher power just in case it actually exists that would exonerate me from all the fucking horrific shit that I've done in my life. I don't know if I could do that. What would you rather do? Would you rather just go to Oregon and die in a yellow house, hanging out with your friends, just watch a football game, be like, alright everybody, listen man, I had a great time. Like, you're going home. See you later, man.

Alright, just fucking pop a pill. I don't know. I don't know, guys, I got nothing. I don't know what the fuck happened this week. Oh, here's one for you. Kansas City Royals lost the World Series, man. That killed me. I wish they sent that guy home, you know?

Even if you got thrown out at the plate, just to have a fucking somebody try to get inside the park home run in the ninth inning down by one bottom in the ninth at home. Jesus Christ. I was watching that in the bar and the second it went by that guy. I'm thinking, alright, that's a double. Then it went down there and it bounced off the wall and that guy kicked it or something. I'm like, that's definitely a triple. You know what kills me?

If that was Willie Wilson running the base path, he definitely would have made it. Oh, that fucking would have made it. He would have made it. And then you know what you would have had? You would have had one of the great plays in baseball. However, if anybody's going to sit around and give that guy shit, it's like, you know, he should have gone and that's it. The same reason why he didn't go is why that guy in center field missed the fucking ball.

Because it was the ninth inning of the World Series. You know what I mean? There's so much on the line. That was a regular season. That guy just would have let the blooper drop in. But he ran in thinking, I got to make a play. I got to make a play. And then the second he hit the ground, he looked like me out in the field.

You know? I actually make fun of myself a lot athletically, like I stink. And nothing could be further from the truth. A lot of people don't know I was actually drafted by the Texas Longhorns to play baseball. But I just decided, you know, I mean, I just, Roger Clemens was still there at the time. And I was just like, you know, it's his time. It's his time. I don't want to do that to people, right?

Is anybody watching hockey at all? I've been so busy fucking looking at all this other shit. I have had no time to look at it whatsoever. Although I do know that the fucking Bruins beat the Senators the other night, didn't they? Three to two. They shifted up the line. It's Berge's line there. They got Ma Shine in the other fucking line or something.

Be appeal. I'm basically out of shit to talk about. Maybe for the first time ever. So I'm just going to sit here and just, can you guys just ride with me for the next couple of weeks while we're going to write and record these next couple of episodes. And then I'm going to be done with the episode family shit. Then we're going to animate it. Then I'll actually have some free fucking time.

And I can actually live a little bit of life and maybe actually have something to talk about. Oh my god damn podcast. Mike, what am I up to here? Like 50 minutes? 51 minutes? I got to somehow figure out another nine minutes of shit that I have to talk about. You know what? You're not going to help me.

You're just going to sit over there and go, oh, we got another glitch. We've got another glitch on the fucking main board here. Mike, has that ever happened? Any podcast in here? It hasn't, right? What is with me in technology? It just doesn't fucking work out for me. I don't know.

All right, whatever. Corpse found in a Costa Rican Concordian wreck assumed to be Russell Rebello. No way, not fucking Russell Rebello. Ah Jesus Christ, this is my fucking phone. Who is it? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Ah shit, I got to take this guy. Sorry.

Hello? Hey, I'm finishing up my podcast. Can I call you back in two seconds? Okay, cool. Bye. This is how bad I am with technology. The reason why whenever my management calls, I always pick up is because I know they probably sent me an email that I didn't see and I'm supposed to be somewhere that I'm not.

I really fucking hate the fact that people can get away with now. Well, you know, I'm like, dude, why didn't you tell me I sent you an email? Why don't you just send a fucking carrier pigeon that doesn't fly back to you and like, you should send a parrot is what you should do. Send me the message and then the parrot comes back like, I was able to give it to him and he read it, right? You just send a fucking email. Did I just imitate a parrot?

Is that how much I'm fucking struggling to fill time? Yeah, I don't fucking like when people do that shit. They think I sent you an email. It was all in the email. It's like, dude, I get a thousand fucking emails. How much porno I've watched on my computer? Jesus Christ. Do you know how many fucking emails I get a day?

I've bought shit on all of these fucking websites. I can't even find emails anymore. I get so much stuff and then people go, why don't you just start a second account and on that one, it's only for friends and family and all of that fucking shit because eventually I'm going to have it open and I'm going to look at somebody fucking blowing somebody and then seeing that they somehow they just get it.

There's no more privacy or whatever. So that's the reason why I took the phone call. I apologize. That was unbelievably, not unbelievably, it's probably typically unprofessional of me. Yeah, so anyways, what do I got going on coming up? Anyways, you know what? I'm just going to hype the shit that I do have coming up.

I got a stand-up special coming up. December 5th, I know I've bored you to death with this, but I'd love if you watched it. It's on Netflix and I've been getting shit about this that it's only on Netflix and that you're not going to be able to buy it anywhere for like a year. And all I have to say is you only have yourselves to blame for that. All right?

If you fucking cunts would actually pay for the goddamn thing, I could put up my own money for it, you know? But I can't put up my own money for it because only like maybe, I don't know, 5,000 of you will actually purchase the thing and that'll get me 25 grand back of about 180 grand. So would you do a deal like that? You wouldn't. So whatever, Netflix put up the money.

So that's how it works. And then part of my agreement is that they own it exclusively for a year. That's how it works. But here's the thing, you know some asshole, some gonna, whatever you fucking tech geeks call it, rip it and wrap it and fucking upload it. And it's going to be on YouTube anyways.

So you'll just see it that way. Okay? So quit breaking my fucking balls about it. Fucking nerds, man. Out there, you know, how come they just keep making movies about fucking superheroes and then transformers and shit and apes taking over the planet? Because you stole all the other ones.

You stole it. You stole all the fucking, you get what you pay for. You stop paying for movies. So now they're like, fuck it. We're gonna make these movies that even if you steal them it's gonna suck to watch at home. They're either gonna make those or they're gonna make little cheapies.

Little cheapie ones where you gotta, you know, you gotta share a sleeping bag with the five other actors and the directors every day on a shoot. Those are the only fucking movies they make anymore. And you know what? You fucking cunts get no one to blame but yourself. So I don't want to hear it. So my special comes out December 5th on Netflix.

All right? I should have called it. You get what you pay for. Oh, is that what you should have called it, Bill? Ooh. Now what's gonna happen? Huh? Is this some group gonna get upset?

Who's the latest guy? Chris Rock got in trouble. Chris Rock got in trouble. He got outraged. He got some outrage. He told some joke and people were outraged. Some people or some groups. How long, you know what's funny about what he did?

Was there's no real group. I guess Boston's strong. They could get outraged. They could pretend to be outraged so they could sell more t-shirts so then they can line their fucking pockets. And then maybe a couple of it trickles down to the actual victims of the bombing.

I swear to God, I would like to start it. You know what the charity you should do is you just walk up to the person who got injured in the bombing and you just hand him a bag of cash that insurance companies can't see so they don't say that this, well, you're now making this much money

so this somehow cancels your policy. We gotta somehow come up with something where you just get the money directly to the wounded warrior, directly to the victim of the marathon bombings. You know? As opposed to these Mary Kay cosmetic fucking cunts

who are standing in between the money and the victim like a fucking... They're sitting there like a windscreen. I literally have my arms out right now acting this out. Just catching as much of the cash as they possibly can. It's like a filter. I don't know.

I'm not saying they're all bad but generally speaking, you know what I mean? People are fucking people and I don't trust them. I don't fucking trust them. Is this bad? You know what's funny is at some point I'm hoping to get to the level

in this business that actually somebody will take the time to get offended by something that I say. Although the second show last night, you know it was David Spade was in the crowd. I didn't want to drop a name and I'm a fucking huge fan of his so I wanted to impress him

and then I went up there and I fucking ate my balls. I didn't eat my balls. Ah, he fucking kills you. You know what? That was like the last set of the night. Those were my last sets and now that's just lingering there. So fortunately tonight I'm actually at Flappers.

I swear to God that's the name of a comedy club. I don't know why. They always have to give them zany names like zanies, right? Whack-o's, bananas, fuck fucks, whatever the hell they call them. This one's called Flappers and evidently it's because back in the day,

I don't know, there was people that, people who danced, you know, like during the Vaudevillian days, hey, let's get some Flappers out there. You know, where we get the, you know, well the comics, I don't know, get in his puppet. Whatever the fuck they were doing, right?

So whatever, so they named this comedy club Flappers and then all the waitresses and shit got a dress like it's the 1920s and then the guy who runs the room he's got a fucking dress like he's got a fucking Tommy gun in a violin case. I don't know why they do it.

I don't know why they don't sit down with other comedians that have a meeting and just say, hey, do you think this is a good idea? Oh, speaking of which, you guys got to listen to the Verzi effect this week. Another All Things Comedy member, Paul Verzi. Somebody threw a fucking beer bottle at him. Thank God they missed.

They threw a fucking beer bottle at him and Verzi said he did some matrix shit and the guy missed him but like, this is just classic comedy club security. Like, dude, I don't know if you guys realize but throwing a beer bottle at somebody's fucking head is a salt with a deadly weapon. Like, you literally can lose your eye,

cave in your skull. I had a buddy of mine in high school. Somebody smashed a bottle in his face. He's scarred for life. I haven't seen him in years but I mean, he had this big scar going from his forehead right down the side of his face. Totally affected him socially.

Like, when he talked to him, he would cheat his face to the side. He was this outgoing guy. He became all fucking self-conscious and all that shit, right? And this guy does this shit. Classic comedy club security. Do you know they didn't get the guy's name

and he just fucking left? They're like, oh, he just ran out of here. He's like, what do you mean he just fucking ran out? How does he just run out? He threw a fucking beer bottle at somebody. Hey, he just, I don't know. He kind of slipped through our fingers. I just fucking ran out the door like Charlie Chaplin.

I'm not saying you got to go fight the guy but with all this cell phone camera video that you can get now, you couldn't videotape his fucking car. That videotape, whatever, I'm so old. Whatever. You couldn't get a VHS tape of him driving out of the parking lot? Just something, a picture of his car.

Anything. That guy should be in fucking jail. Oh, sorry. It's a good friend of mine. He sent me through a fucking beer bottle on him. Anyway, so if you want to listen to the full story of it, listen to the Verzi Effect this week, and that's it, mercifully.

I'm up here at an hour. I apologize, guys. I didn't get it done this week. I think I started off strong with the test pilot shit. I ended it kind of weekly. Maybe I didn't. Maybe you guys are actually enjoying it and I just can't hear the laughter.

This weekend, if you are in Boston, Massachusetts, I am doing the 20th anniversary. Believe it or not, I can't believe it because I think I was on the second or the third one. It's how fucking old I am. The 20th anniversary of a great charity where the money actually goes to the people that need it. The Cam Neely House, comics come home.

The 20th anniversary, Dennis Leary is kind of hosted as always. He put together this charity with Cam Neely 20 years ago. From day one, it was a big deal. I remember the year that we did it, they actually filmed it for Comedy Central. Now, somehow, it is in its 20th year. I remember a few years ago, it was in the 15th year. I was like, how the fuck is it 15 years?

It feels like two years ago. Five years goes by like two years now at my age, so it's kind of terrifying. But anyways, it's going to be a murderous row of comedians. As far as I know, I think they're putting me on last, as I mentioned last week. And that's what you do on that show. You do not headline, you go on last.

So I got to make sure my game is up to snuff. So I don't get fucking, I don't get a bunch of shit. You know what's funny, the wedding I went to this week, I hung out with a buddy of mine that was from Boston, and I haven't been around that vibe that much, that consistently. It's just the level of defensiveness. Somehow we started talking about sneakers. And we were saying how, you know, people will stand in line

for sneakers, and people get beat up and shot over sneakers. And sometimes these sneakerheads, they buy these fucking sneakers and then they put them in the back of their closet so they can break them out five years later. So people are like, oh fuck, where'd you get those? And this dude totally fucking Boston. It's just like, yeah dude, I don't get that. You know?

Like my whole life, like I never been into shit. You know? Like I'm not into shit. Like really choppy talking. Like we're just having this conversation, just kind of jumps in like that, and we're just looking at him like, what do you mean? You're not into anything?

You like to fish? He's like, yeah dude, but I wouldn't like buy a fucking pole and then stick it in my closet and pull it out five years later. Oh, look at his shit. Like every fucking thing was like that. He went up to go do a drink run, and he comes back. He's like, yeah dude, what the fuck's with that bartender? You know?

I go up there to order your bourbon. The guy's like, do you want it neat? Do you want it on the rocks? It's like, dude, I don't know what the fuck that means. Just put it in a glass. You know? What the fuck? So anyways, I'm going to be performing for people like that

next weekend to raise money for the Cam Mealy house. All right, that's it. I'm sorry. We ended with a whimper. He came in like a douche and ended out like a cunt. All right, that's the podcast for this week. I'm getting new and comfortable to the All Things Comedy podcast here. Please go to allthingscomedy.com.

Check out all the other websites, all the other podcasts that we have on there. And once again, if you'd like to help us here, go to tubestart.com and buy a couple of stickers. You can do it if you want. Who gives a fuck? I didn't talk about Halloween. I got to talk about Halloween real quick. This is a comic that will not get off stage.

He's just trying to get the last big laugh. Mike's over in the corner like for fuck's sakes. I got a life to get on with it. We finally figured out, we finally figured out Halloween. This is the way you do it because last year we did not give out candy because my lovely wife was so fucking sick of all the high school kids and the precocious cunt kids and the fucking adults that show up and they want candy and they say fucked up shit.

This is how you do Halloween. All right? The first hour is the best. It's all little kids, little cutie pie kids with parents who are excited and it's their kids like first or second Halloween. The first one, the first kid that showed up to the door. He was dressed like a little fireman, right? And I'm like, oh, look at you, little fireman.

How you doing? And I, you know, I crouched down and I hold the bowl out to give him the candy. This adorable little kid reaches in, grabs one of the candy bars and then goes to hand it to me. I'm like, no, no, you get to keep it. You get to keep it. Fucking adorable as hell, right? And then he turns around and he goes to walk away.

The back of his jacket, his raincoat said Fire Chief. It was adorable as hell. But then he stopped. It was hilarious. He stopped and he walked back and he reached in. He grabbed another piece of candy and put it like he got it, you know? And I was thinking, no, that's cute slash. He's on his way to being like these cunty kids that are going to be coming here in an hour.

So there's an hour of these cute kids. And then the next hour, you get these precocious kids, right? Who think everything they say is so fucking brilliant and that adults are stupid, right? And these kids come up and as I'm going to give him the first kid, you know, there's this group of kids and one of them comes up to the door and I'm just like, he looked like he was the Grim Reaper. I'm like, oh, the Grim Reaper. Oh, I'm not the Grim Reaper.

I'm so and so from like either Harry Potter or fucking Lord of the Rings. I don't know what he was supposed to doing. It's just like, dude, fuck you. You look like the Grim Reaper. How many houses are you going to go to when they get Grim Reaper before you blame yourself that you made a bad costume, you little douche, right? So I'm like, I'm sorry, man. I didn't see the movie and he goes, well, could you at least read the book?

I wanted to fucking boot him right in his seventh grade ass. And then another group of kids, they come there and we all fucking give him candy. And then they start singing. We wish you a merry Christmas. We, they start caroling on my front porch. Like this is blowing my mind. Like I'm going to be like, wait a minute, what holiday is it? That's what I can't stand.

It's the fact that they think that they're smarter than you. This is why it's so great. I never had kids. I wouldn't have been such a bad parent because I just want to be like, do you think you're really fucking with me right now? I had water damage on a house. I have a fucking mortgage. I have a goddamn wife.

Do you think right now what you're doing is blowing my mind? Huh, you little fuck. I just, I don't know. And then what we did. So then we wrote it out through those douchebags because still there was some little kids, cute kids coming up. And then what you do is the first fucking kid who looks like he's pushing high school age and has that shitty grin look on his face.

What I should have done was just slam the door in his face, said he was too big, but I did because I don't want anybody fucking with my house. What you do is you let him, one guy get you. You give him the candy and the second he leaves, that's it. You blow out the candle and the pumpkin, you shut off the porch light. You just shut it down. It's over. You shut out all the lights in your house and you go down into the bowels of your house

or into some closet and you just pour yourself a drink and you wait there for 90 minutes and then it's over. That's how you do Halloween. All right. There you go. Now that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I will talk to you next week.

Thank you for listening.