Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-30-12

Episode Date: December 1, 2012

Nia and Bill ramble about Bill ruining Nia's surprise for him, how to tell your friend his girlfriend is a douche and golden showers.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time once again for the lovely Nia and a Nia log. We haven't done one of these in a minute because of certain things. My mixer blew up when I was in Australia and then I got this stupid new recorder and that I haven't been able to figure out. But thanks to Ari Shafir. I just called him up and he talked me through it. Got me off the ledge. So ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Nia. Hi, how's it going? How are you? I'm actually nervous about this. Why? What's why? Because I have a feeling that I'm going to get trashed really badly because of. Yeah, I mean, you might be right about that. You are right about that. I apologize. That's not a mince word. You know what? I

apologize. You want to apologize, but I mean, it's like. Oh, Jesus, you guys are actually this is going to be this is going to be a good one. I don't even know if we're going to get to the advice because I don't think my behavior was that bad. We'll go ahead. Set it up, Nia. What is your fucking problem this week? My problem with you is that this week I plan a surprise outing for you specifically for you something that you wanted to do and wasn't my birthday. It wasn't your birthday. Not Christmas just because I love you and took everything. I know it took a lot for me to say that for some reason. Didn't fly out of me as it normally does so easily. Yeah, and so I plan this thing for you. And yes, we left the house a little bit late. That's that's

what started. Okay, I'm feeling just one little thing here. I have no idea what this is. It goes I got you a surprise. So I'm thinking, All right, am I going to go to a gun range? Is it a sports thing? Are we going to go? Is this one of those chick things where it's a surprise for me, but it's really something she wants to do? Like all of a sudden some ballroom dancing class like, Oh, boy, and here's your shiny shirt, sir. I almost couldn't say that. So anyway, so you tell me, yeah, it's right on. So and so and so and so we don't name shit here, right? So I'm thinking that that's not that far away. Yeah, we have to be there by six, right? Yeah, we really had to be all the way over in East LA. Yeah. So then what happens is we're supposed to be there by six. And it's like

558 we're stuck in traffic. And I look on the Google map thing, your thing wasn't working. And now I see like we're like 10 minutes away for this thing. I don't know what it is. And I go, What is it? And she goes, I can't tell you. But they just said they're going to start without us. And immediately I'm thinking like, I'm not going to know how to load a fucking Beretta. And they're just gonna hand me a loaded weapon. And I don't know how to get to that point. So the stress was building up the stress was building up the traffic was because it was that time of the night where everybody is traveling and having you know, so but you know, the way that you deal with stress is by, I don't know, becoming more stressed. Or no, the way you deal with stress is becoming angry. So

everything that a natural reaction to stress, it's your reaction to stress. Well, what do you do? Oh, great. Stress. No, but I don't get like angry and start becoming like this, this, this evil ogre of anger, like you do, which is exactly what you did. And I the directions to the plays were complicated. And I was trying to read them the way they were laid out because they were laid out specific. No, but it was also they specifically wrote it that way on the website because it was complicated. And you kept trying to involve Google Maps. I was telling you that where we're parking is not going to be the same as where we're going. So anyway, by the time we got there, you would drive, you're all in it. What do you mean? I was driving you nuts. I was just trying to

read you the direction gingerbread house. I was just trying to get near it. Okay, that's fine. And then you go, Oh, ignore the computer lady and the stupid fucking cyber bitch took us the wrong a longer fucking way. And then you'll because you want to pay attention. You was so listening to that zombie on your phone that I wasn't listening to zombie on the phone. I was reading the directions that were given on the website. I was not employing Google fucking Apple Maps where it talks to you now, which I think is a great feature, by the way. Okay, it wasn't about that. So anyway, but the time we got there, you had a fucking attitude. And it was supposed to be a thing where you walked in, you were like, Oh, my God, we're doing this. This is amazing. And you were like, Hey, we're

like this fire in your eyes. And like, you know, energy, and it wasn't even fun anymore. In defense of me, we were standing next to a fucking abandoned factory. Yeah, it wasn't a weird place. They're going, look for a white awning. So we start walking towards this rusted out hunk of shit. Yeah, that I think they shot like blue collar down there and like the fucking late 70s. It's a richer prior movie. And we walk up and you're like, Is that a white awning? I'm like, No, it's blue. And then I go, Why don't you call them? Because I didn't want to this point. It's 10 past six. And I still don't know what I'm doing. All I know is I'm 10 minutes late for doing whatever the fuck I'm doing. I go, Why don't you call them? She just called them. You just talked to them. They picked up

the phone. And for now, all of a sudden, you don't want to call them. And I want to be like, I'm in the middle of the alley. Which way do I go? Like I mean, I knew we were near there. And I didn't just want to go to the broken down factory with the giant smokestack that says so and so next to it. All right, fine. But I spotted way down the way I think that I was putting together and I wasn't stressed out. And you were like, you know, barely containing your rage. You know, you look like you're about to go into like Wreck-It Ralph mode and start punching bricks and shit. Because you were driving me fucking nuts at that point. I wasn't driving you nuts. I wasn't doing anything but trying to get us to where we're going. You know what? All in your head. I got all

like pumped up. And I see it happening with you. I see your blood pressure rising. I'm actually looking at you. And I'm seeing your blood pressure rise. Your face is getting all red in the cheeks. And you're like, you know, your jaw is tightening. Your eyes are darting back and forth. Like I see I know what's going on. Because you were driving me nuts. Because never mind that I'm giving you this. We were like, we were like, I know, never mind that you gave me this thing and you didn't allow enough fucking time to get to the fucking thing. I was trying to leave earlier. And you were doing your typical thing where you take forever to do. Yes, I am. Because this is a neolog. Typical. Typical thing. Typical you you put on what I'm clothing at a time at the slowest pace ever.

You like put your socks on. All slow. And then you slide around the house for a little bit more going. Where are my shoes? Which you should wear? Where am I going? What are we doing? And it's taking for fucking that's bullshit. I'll tell you why that's bullshit. Because you're acting like you're sitting there and you're ready. You're not you're in there putting your fucking face on. I was telling me I had no idea where the fuck we were going what we were doing. You kept it as a surprise. Should I wear this? Is this okay? Is this footwear okay? What am I doing? Yeah, I'm gonna go and I told you all that and it still took you forever to get ready. You're so full of shit. We walked out of the house. You left the fucking window open and the candle burning. What

does that have to do with anything? Because no, no, because you're talking about one thing and you're bringing up something else. This is what this is what it has to fucking do with it is if you were all ready to go, you would have had the fucking candle blown out and everything you wrote you weren't ready. I blew out the other candle. I forgot that I had two candles. Oh, the one that was sitting right in the table next to the fucking door. What if that I blow that was the Christmas one I blew out the Christmas one, but I didn't realize that you know one of the most overrated things ever having to blow out a candle like Oh my God, what if that little flame leapt 200 feet? It's always a possibility. I guess that's what they say you're not supposed to leave

candles unattended. That's what got Kat Von D in trouble. It's impossible. You have to be a fucking moron. If you have a candle sitting in the center of a table, you could have a 10 year candle candle, right? You can come back 10 years later and everything would be fine other than the wax all over the fucking table. It's not going anywhere. Yeah, all right. What happens is it melts down and it creates excuse for the meat from my sore throat here. It creates like a fucking crater and it just keeps burning down and down and down into it. Okay, do you think the people at the candle store want to deal with a fucking arson lawsuit around about arson lawsuit every fucking time they don't they got them fine. It's morons who like them walk away from them and they have them underneath

a curtain like some little house in the prairie episode, which I which I did not know what you didn't but you're acting like you were totally ready. You weren't listening. I was right. I love the fact you got me surprised. Can we tell the people what the surprise was? Yes. Okay, so now so now we're sitting down and I go, it's a pasta making cooking class. I have just a pause here for all the guys to be like, what a thing. You know what? I tweeted a picture of myself at the class last night and someone identified your arm said get bills like pasty freckle man arm out of that picture, which I thought was hilarious. So anyway, so now we're walking in. She's we're late for this pasta class. You're pissed at me. I'm mad at you. And we come walking into this class

for everybody's just like, tell us a little bit about yourself and what you like about pasta. And we come walking in and and from there on out. I ate a great time. But for some reason, you felt that I didn't know that's not true. I think you had a good time. I had a good time. I was putting your ears. I said this was awesome. This is awesome. You were very cute. And the more as we started like doing stuff like obviously our mood turned and we were just having a great time and talking to people and it was fine. I was social. I didn't embarrass you. Right. Yeah. Trash anybody. No, you did. Well, you did but you did it under your breath. Oh, that one girl when she poured it through the pasta thing. Do I catch it afterwards? No, let it fall on the floor.

Fucking throat. No, it was it was a great time. It was it was a but I think a lot of people can relate to that story as a couple. You're going to do something that's supposed to be fun. And something happens on the way over there. I'll tell you this. You come in there and you're all like tense with each other. Like if you're going to have dinner with another couple and the other couples like wow, so you guys are really that's what I understand why I would actually go to chick flicks if they had a moment like that in the fucking movie and it was real and it wasn't wacky. I would enjoy that. You know what I don't like that fucking this is 40 movie. Where they got the dude is sitting there taking a shit talking to his wife while he's on the toilet

right amount of times they have that number that never happens in a relationship. Nobody ever gets comfortable enough to be mid shit shooting the shit with somebody and I don't want to fucking hear from me if you do on this podcast because you're part of the weird I could say nobody wants to fuck a dolphin and somebody's gonna say well actually a friend of mine I'm just saying generally speaking they put that in war goddamn movies that fucking Dustin Hoffman was taking a shit while denier was taking a shower and one of those meet the parents and it's just like I know it's supposed to be over the top but that to me it's a comedic device. It's a hacky one. It's been used too many times and it's based in absolute bullshit. It doesn't happen and that's

to me that's the kind of comedy I fucking hate the most other than clever eyebrow raising to shade other than that shit is when you're too fucking lazy to just pull from what's actually happened in your life so then you invent okay how do we add raise the stakes he's taking his shit when he's talking to work right okay don't say right okay like I've made my point you have major points I did all right so anyways we get in the we're getting the pasta class yeah me because of my my crust making background I'm fucking killing it you did it you know you did a really good job you were in your element because you like to cook you like to learn about these things you've been wanting to take a pasta making class yeah and I missed it on your birthday this past

year I found a place but it was too late it was all sold out so I was thinking ahead can I read through the lines there I didn't give a shit enough about my boyfriend to fucking a lot enough time how long what do you mean how long does it take to sign up for a cooking class first of all listen hey stop sticking your face out at me I just make the class was booked it was a present just say thank you okay stop turning into oh you couldn't think of it enough I'm not talking about that I'm talking about back in in uh I wanted to do it for your birthday but it just wasn't enough time well no I when I started looking at things when I remember your birthday this year we did a series of fun activities that you would want to do and when I went to find a class everything that I looked at

had um all the spaces were filled up so I wasn't able to do that so we did all the other fun things for your birthday like the concert and the horseback riding horseback riding was your birthday whatever no that was your birthday no it was yours it was yours you are such a fucking lying right now that was your birthday it was not my birthday oh my god you're such a lying sack of shit why is every fucking photo from that day about you on the goddamn horse because you were taking it I wanted to put it on my instagram that was your day that was nothing you did that was an activity we did for your birthday I didn't want to go horseback I want to learn to ride a horse I just want to sit on that that was fucking ridiculous we just sat on the

it was that and we did house of your face out at me you think that makes me hear it more because your eighth of an inch closer Nia I want to learn how to ride a horse like fucking oh shit here come some zombies jump on a horse and ride that thing it's full fucking speed I don't want to just sit on it that's like a series of classes that's like a that's like an equestrian course that was for you that was for your birthday as well as house of blues that was all within the same week the john bonham thing that was yes the john bonham thing that the brian tissue thing that was the shit right yeah that was great but the horseback riding thing I really think that I got that for you no I got that and I got it for you for your

birthday I don't want to go horseback riding I like horses and everything but like you know whatever what are you talking about you were flipping out every time you touched this soft muzzle I do like the muzzly I do like the muzzly you know what we're getting we're getting off check no one wants to hear us you know bicker as a couple that's not entertaining let's move on to the next somebody's downloading this they are in a fucking situation in their life that they're getting on a fucking plane they want it to keep going what are they entertaining yeah yeah all right they're driving into stuck in traffic this is what these things are for people don't just like hey I'm gonna take time and I'm gonna sit down and listen to these fucking this is to fucking eat up time

when you do dmv sure right yeah okay go into the in-laws uh go to the back porch well ultimately did you have a good time at the pasta making class that I got I had a fucking great time you did now my ocd is I want to uh take every class well I want to my mother got me that kitchen aid thing years ago and I had no fucking use for it I didn't know how to use it and now that I know how to do that like uh but you want to hit the typical fucking scam of these corporate cunts I asked the lady not really who was teaching the class I'll stop it I asked the lady who was teaching the class about buying the attachments right and uh you know because I want to make skinny right and she goes oh well they have like you know because I like the linguiney one and I

like you know the one where you make the ravioli so they have the attachment it you basically you buy it through kitchen aids there's a whole clump of them that you get the uh you get the ravioli you get the fucking linguiney and then there's like angel hair pasta like anybody eats that shit and then a couple others but the spaghetti one is sold separately yeah because they know everybody wants the spaghetti one but you're still gonna want linguiney and the and the fucking other shit so I mean it's pretty much this I mean I know it's wider or whatever than spaghetti is but it's kind of like there's no no it's like a four cylinder versus a fucking 350 it's it's it's underpowered pasta it's bullshit it's it's I don't even what is it for what is what for

angel hair pasta oh it's like eating hair I like angel hair pasta it's nice and thin and you know I don't know it's just nice so good throw that in there everybody knows you want the spaghetti one well I could look at it in a positive way like maybe I just want to make spaghetti but why would you stop I don't know why would you stop there but I'm gonna go get that attachment now but we can't go get it because you're taking your little fucking bootcamp right yes I'm starting tomorrow I am doing a six weeks six week six weeks six weeks I have my stupid Invisalign in it's messing with my teeth I'm doing a six week bikini body bootcamp at the place where I take kickboxing and I'm I'm like half excited half like not excited I mean

I'm kind of like me walking into the pasta class have to fight through rush hour traffic uh sure so I I'm a pill you want to take a cooking class right in the middle of rush hour traffic we'll leave with a half hour that was oh my god oh my god okay I was an asshole there as long as you agree that the horseback riding thing was for you it was not for me and I won't agree to this guys it's all or nothing with her she doesn't see compromise so bootcamp six weeks can make me every Saturday we have a workout a weigh in there's a meal plan that goes along with it you know the whole idea is that you're you know optimal weight loss program for six weeks so I'm doing this thing so some guys are gonna be screaming at you with his hands on his

on your thighs adjusting you is that basically oh I wish no it's a it's a woman it's a woman a really nice woman who who does it but she's really tough to be older no she's like 30 something no some of the way you said that she's a really nice woman she's a class act this is the way you said it you made it sound that's because you refer to every woman whether she's 80 or eight years old a girl is that true that is true is that offensive well it's a little I mean if we were talking about Maya Angelou you'd be like that girl write some great poems you would say that about Maya fucking Angelou yes you would you would you would I fucking roll my head no but you would say you call women girls all the time I don't call old women girls you called your mom you said your mother you when

you referred to her you said girl at one point no I didn't you did I did if I did that was a slip of the tongue okay well then maybe it was a slip of the tongue girl I called my mother a girl hey girl why are you just making up this shit about me I'm not making up shit but you you say the word girl for women all the time when you should say woman it's not offensive per se well then get it off my fucking ass about it but I'm telling you another thing am I gonna you would call you would call a blogger you would call Oprah a girl you would you would call Hillary Clinton a girl no I wouldn't I'd call her Clinton I'd call her Oprah those they've they've attained me knowing their name status despite the fact they're not in my life right you're just making up shit right

I'm not making all right and then why do I do it while I'm taking a shit talking to you in this relationship no of course not but yeah boot camp so I don't know I don't know if anyone has ever done boot camp I want to hear about it that's what I say I was working with this lady well before you started getting on the whole lady thing you said girl a lot trust me you did oh really what else did I used to do that used to annoy you you know what I mean we don't have enough time this is what these neologues are gonna be about I thought they were all right you want to get to the uh yeah well I want to I want to hear from people listen don't get done don't get too fucking boot camp what do you mean diesel on me I'm not gonna get too diesel yeah don't get all fucking

I'm struggling with the whole thing that's going to be this ridiculous diet plan Jay hopefully there'll be a zimbalist junior on me a cheat day so that I can enjoy some nice homemade pasta don't get too serena on me serena looks amazing if she doesn't have clothes on but when she starts wearing yeah like when you get fucking big like that you remember back in the 80s when everyone got all roided up the only time those guys looked like they were in shape is if they were standing there in speedos the second they put on a suit they look fat they look fat yeah you get too big I think serena looks awesome and her ass won't quit let me tell you something about that girl but has anyone done a boot camp especially girls like we have to do

a meal plan do you end up sticking by that shit because it's a six-week thing so you think all right this is six weeks of my life that's not forever that's not so bad I can hold off on boozing and desserts for six weeks it's not like I'm never gonna be able to have them again but do you just go right back to where you were before or is it like six weeks enough to ingrain in your brain this is how you should be living your life for the rest of your life no no no you're gonna live it one way for fucking six weeks 30 years you can live your life one way for like 30 fucking years and then and then yeah all of a sudden in six weeks you're gonna turn around well we'll see tomorrow's the first day I'm not trying to shit I'm just saying you're not just

gonna go there for six weeks and be like all right well I got that down you got to keep doing it that's what sucks about working out yeah and eating like shit is the easiest fucking thing on the planet well I mean I don't completely eat like shit but I definitely have my you wait till I get that pasta attachment I know how great was the fucking linguiney yeah it was great we made linguiney I'll just a dill a dill linguiney you're not gonna make homemade pasta and not give me any that's ridiculous ridiculous we made this dill linguiney with a vodka salmon sauce and it was fantastic it was fantastic all right you know it's funny when we went around the room we had to share we were just like what okay what is what is your name how did you get here and what is the last

kick-ass meal you had I thought that was cute it was and I was looking at you going God I wish I was like Nia well I was just like that's cute I just thought oh jeez but it was my name is Hank uh I was drinking around the corner and I saw the light on and the last thing I had was a fucking hot dog and it just gives a shit because everybody likes to bond over food I know you're right you're right it was awesome it was awesome it was awesome all right I'm now paranoid that the chef is going to hear this and then think that I'm an asshole but evidently you already do so who cares all right too late okay here we go uh but but I would also like okay Bill sorry for the link the email I would also like to hear Nia's opinion if possible thank you that's what I'm here for

okay I dated this lady he actually says girl evidently a lot of people do it I dated this girl oh I dated the girl of my dreams no one ever says the woman of their dreams have you noticed that why do the ores I go oh I dated the girl of my dreams from the time I was 18 to 21 she was my best friend we rarely had fights and when we did they were constructive the sex was great is she gonna this is like too perfect she supported me in my at and music endeavors we like all the same movies and shit got along with the family blah blah blah I'm 22 now and we've been broken up for a little over a year our breakup came as a surprise to both of us I broke up with her because I wanted to go out and date other girls and just enjoy the single life

I felt like I owed owed that to myself to explore and final and find myself a little um Nia don't text during this this person's asking for your advice what are you doing you're on the phone no I'm trying to I'm trying to find it so I can look at it too go on I have thought about most every I've thought about her most every day since we broke up I like how he says it was a surprise to both of us when he broke up with her well I have something to say about that I know that look brace yourself sir all right I just kicked the recorder sorry um blah blah I I've thought about her most every day since we broke up I had to tell myself it was for the best but I but always hope we get back together one day and on a side note if it's not it's not like

I needed a best friend I have plenty of good male friends she just happened to be a girl I fell in love with and be super awesome by this point in the email I get the feeling you think I'm a pussy fuck you I'm not hey easy they're defensive I didn't say that um while I was out being a man whore she was busy getting right back into a relationship they've been dating for eight months or so I hate the guy of course I don't really think they have anything too special anyway we've been talking a lot lately after basically no contact whatsoever for the first year we pretty much went back to being great friends we've actually gotten coffee and breakfast together oh jesus here we go and I'm pretty sure her boyfriend doesn't know about it she's even come over to my

house a couple of times parentheses we haven't done anything okay I'll believe that uh she knows why we broke up and understands and thinks it was important for both of us we've talked about all aspects of our relationship including how great things were and even our sex life I have enough restraint to keep my dick in my pants plus I know she would never cheat on the guy should I tell her how I feel do you think it was it's unwise to get back in a relationship with her do you do I move on I know that's always I know that I'll always want to get with other girls but do I really need to go out and bleed my dick dry to finally be ready for a serious relationship with someone I could see spending the rest of my life with uh thanks for reading I love the podcast

all right what do you got whoa Jesus look at that look what do you got to say um what I have to say is that you are an immature selfish jerkface that's exactly what I think you are and 22 isn't he supposed to be fine but I can so call a spade a spade you're an immature selfish jerkface now wait a minute are you just saying this because you because you're putting you're inserting yourself into this situation you would have been the one who got your heart broken no because I've been that person and I was an insensitive selfish jerkface oh okay well it would have been nice if you said like me I was waiting for the big reveal she's talking about herself yeah well obviously when you're that young you're not thinking forever I mean maybe you do in the beginning because that's

what the movies and tv tell you I'm gonna be with this person forever but inevitably I'll be able to take a shit in front of her right but inevitably yeah you're gonna especially as a guy in my case I am a girl you you think I want to go out and see what the whole world has to offer and then what you find as it is in life and you get older is that that can sometimes be a very empty pursuit and unless you end up finding somebody while you're whoring around as you say that is like wow you're even better and understand me even more than the last person you're gonna feel empty and like it's not really worth it so of course that's what you discovered so of course because you're a selfish jerk you want to go back to your ex-girlfriend and be like oh you know now we're hanging out

now we're friends she's hanging out with me I'm sure her boyfriend doesn't know about it but she would never cheat on it because she's such an angel and we even talk about her sex life like what are you doing what are you doing right now should I tell her yes yes why don't you tell her why don't you fuck up her relationship that's going so well why don't you just throw it in her mind that like you're still in love with her and you want her back why don't you just act as selfish as you can possibly be if you really care about this girl you step away you be a man and you let her have this relationship if it doesn't work out with her and the guy and she comes back to you and it's all lovely and fairy tale and rainbows then great but you stay away from her Jesus Christ

first of all they're really how do you feel that their relationship is going great when she's with her fucking ex-boyfriend in the guy's fucking apartment maybe it's not maybe it's not well you just fucking roasted the guy well because he's the one that's writing in saying like I know I'm still gonna want to get with other girls well obviously obviously you're gonna want to bang other people that's what that's what happens in life like I don't necessarily believe that we are these naturally monogamous creatures but you do it because that's what a commitment is that's what growing up is you're committed to one person unless you have some sort of deal worked out okay so of course you're gonna want to bang other girls do you need to let your what he said bleed

your dick out before you're ready for a relationship well with your maturity level probably probably sir so why don't you just bang a bunch of whores and get it out of your system while pining for a girl who actually cares what he has to do what's he supposed to do you know what he could have done he could have stayed with her and just fucked around on her so what he should get a cookie for doing the right thing congratulations Jesus Christ but you're acting like he's fucking immature that's a real mature move that he did that he was like listen I I want to see other people I don't want to cheat on you okay that's pretty fucking mature it is mature and right he's mature he's 22 years old as he's supposed to want to fuck everything that's what I said and he should

go out there and go do it yeah he should but I don't like I don't like this whole you know drawing the girl back in his yeah I think that's bullshit and I know you haven't talked for the first year so I mean if you haven't talked for a year that's that's that's a good amount of time to stay away I think what he's doing is he's trying to have his cake and eat it you are you're trying to have your cake and eat it too he's drawn her in so her feelings for this other guy won't get too deep you know he'll fuck up their relationship or whatever and you know this girl you dated her for three years you know exactly how her brain works you know exactly what buttons to push like don't try to act like this is such a like oh naturally now we're friends again it's like

you've been kind of laying the seeds for this for a while I feel like and I don't think that that's right because you're not really allowing her to have a relationship if she's hanging out with you in your home and he doesn't know about it that's that's a problem right that's a problem I bet he dressed extra spiffy when she came over but not too much spiffy oh and they're talking about their sex life why are you talking about your sex life well why with your ex-girlfriend why is she doing or unless he's my emailing if she was emailing I would be like what are you doing unless he steered it in that direction I'm sure he did I know we had to break up I know it was you I know you understand no you're cool so you totally you totally get it but like I don't know sometimes I can't

help but think but like you and I just had this connection no no no I know you have a boyfriend and I'm not trying to I'm not trying to be weird just weird that we're talking about is this weird because I'm not trying to be weird okay no you understand you're so awesome I just I blew it with you didn't I now I blew it I blew it no I want you to be happy you're a fucking emotional manipulator playing games with this girl and I won't stand for it all right I can't argue with that I think she's got your nail there buddy but I don't think you're a piece of shit because you want to go and fuck some bunch of women you're not a piece of shit but I'm going to tell you what's real okay the fact that you're coming back are you going to tell them what's right

are you going to say what's real being all like you know sweet and friendly and talking about your sex life with your ex-girlfriend knowing full well she has a boyfriend and it's because it's coming from a place where you're like oh shit I realized what I lost that's not no you don't do people like that that's wrong didn't JLo have a song about being real and she and did you buy that was that written by somebody else or did she really sit there thinking that she was real I was a huge JLo fan so yeah I brought all her music you know I didn't you know her perfume and her clothing line I'm not ashamed to admit it did you buy those those it was the 2000s okay did you buy those hoary Timberlands that she used to walk around it you

know what I actually did I wanted those those heeled Timberland boots what I did not realize because I was young it didn't know anything about designer shit was that it was a monotone ablonic and so I actually called the Timberland store what is vibrating my phone I called shut it off it's going on the thing there we go I'm in the middle of a thought here so um I called the Timberland store and said are you carrying the Timberland boots with the heels and they're like those are monotone ablottics but I didn't know that's obviously a really expensive shoe it is a very expensive shoe made famous on sexy city no that's Christian Louboutin but uh I actually got the fake uh

heeled Timberlands from Steve Madden and I rocked those with some cargo pants because I thought I was JLo yeah okay terrible it was terrible but it was like you know 2004 or something I had acid washed jeans when I used to watch all those hair metal bands I have with your big orange afro I didn't have the orange afro back then but I did I did a couple times try wearing a bandana if I was gonna go to a concert and I just and even I can't even picture you in a bandana right now no I I looked I don't know what I look like I don't the obvious ability to look like you had cancer I just didn't I was just like I can't do this you know and one time we were playing we used to play uh pick up football when I was in high school it was all the kids who wanted to play

football but didn't want to go through the bullshit of actually having some guy you know yelling at you as you ran around the track right we just had a fucking great time and this one kid showed up he had a bandana tied around his head and won around his thigh I don't know why around his upper thigh and we were calling him wasn't that a look yeah like chachi like scott bale did it so we started calling him chachi I think he might even have had like the fingerless gloves like um like like jud nelson on exactly a little breakfast club a little chachi yeah yeah yeah he looked bad ass though he looks you know the bandana the earrings the feathered hair the fingerless gloves that's one of the greatest performances in a in a teen coming of age yeah he was great was uh what

was his name there not judge reinhold what's his real name nelson jud nelson i knew it was a jud um all right what the fuck was i going to talk you can do it on the boat gee you know what's funny about that is uh what's his face anthony michael hall who was playing the nerd yes his name his character's name was brian johnson which i always thought was funny because that's the lead singer of acdc one of the baddest dudes ever well that's what the grill on do you want to you want to do one more of these or if you had advice yeah i don't know if i do with the next one because i already fucking read this one but we'll do it but you know somebody right now they're probably just reached cruising altitude begging it's it's but it's one you've already answered

before i answered it this week on the podcast but we could hear your perspective and maybe for once in my life i could shut the fuck up yeah yeah i don't think so come on nia work on your come back i gotta get right i gotta get better if i want to be with the master such as you don't set me up for the fucking trash i gotta be wittier and quicker with my comebacks it's true oh by the way uh the patrice o'neill comedy benefit february 19th yes tuesday can't wait that's gonna be a great night yeah that's gonna be awesome and i want to thank everybody about tickets last i heard there's like 90 left yep get on it so i'm not quick everybody's gonna break my balls that i didn't promote it on uh my podcast on monday it was just one of those things i wanted to

to announce it on the opian anthony show because of what i felt that they did for patrice having him on there hyping his gigs and just like i mean there's just hours of footage of him on that show that you can watch on youtube every day and it gives like someone who never met him that experience of of kind of what it was like to hang out with that guy so um i wanted to do it that way so before i get emotional let's read this next one all right hey bill love the podcast back cataloging it like crazy here's my fucking problem i got a roommate who is wonderful we're buddies we watch stupid shit and laugh at it together he's got this girlfriend who was a drain on everything that is fun in the world i'm not talking about the regular guy girl argument crap

i mean everything quick example we were watching that bbc planet earth series and we're just looking at the most beautiful shit in the world literally and all she could do is bitch about how ugly the birds were complain about david attenborough's voice oh my god or get mad at some animal just because it's killing another animal to survive horrible after we that would really ruined yeah i haven't seen that series but it's supposed to be amazing so i'm already mad that someone would ruin it like that potheads love that fucking show oh yeah that's that's all it's the best time to watch man let's smoke a dubious yeah the world was made the world's so big man um can you imagine if you like a plant man and like you'd open up and then close down and then a bead come by and you wouldn't

be scared man because it's your friend best here's my flower juice man and that's the thing that's what so lovely sometimes about smoking pot is that you can do silly like good clean fun things like watch a documentary on the planet earth and just smoke pot and just laugh and be filled with i wish i could do that filled with wonder man i wish i could do that because i can't sit down and watch a documentary on the planet earth unless i've taken some drugs why can't you just sit there and enjoy it you can but it's more fun i get it it in a little pot i just i break them off it's silly it's like no one smokes pot and goes out and like robs banks or knocks people over are you really gonna go with it like that hasn't been it's true everybody won't people say it well everyone

says it because it's true it's because it's a fucking it just mellows you out yeah exactly yeah to the point you become part of your couch and you wake up yeah 20 years later and you're still sitting there eating fucking fritos and you're all right with it you're all right with it don't harsh my mellow man yeah all right no i'm not i'm looking so anyway this is not like booze is anybody this girl is being a complete wet blanket during this amazing experience that's a nice way to say it yes um so anyways he goes after we finish this this documentary she said she would love to be a crew of a nature documentary shoot um and anyways she's got no soul the guy loves her they've been together for over a year but it's clear he can't stand to be around her the only ever argue

and not the great way you and neah did in one of the podcasts where y'all laughed with each other it's unbearable and she's at my apartment five days a week most nights i eventually either drink or just smoke so i can just stay in this so i'm not in the same world as her and i like smoking who am i kidding i want all i want to i want to talk to him about it but he's a really private person we've never talked about his relationship stuff he tends to steer away from it it becomes pretty obvious that i can't stand the girl it's becoming pretty obvious i can't stand the girl nor can nor can any of our friends i'm afraid she's gonna drive us apart and then feast on his soul so she can try to find some kind of personality for herself that is hilarious

how do you like how do you think i should approach this topic with this guy i got a right to complain to him about this girl right yes got to do it tenderly or something yes yes to both those things i mean listen you live there too so if their arguments and everything are it's it's affecting your enjoyment of living in your home then you have every right to to say something how should you go about it yeah well that's the tricky part just say you know so they smoke weed first just say you know obviously like you're one of my best friends i love hanging out with you but i gotta be honest with you i'm not i'm not i don't really get along so well with whatever the fuck her name is so i don't know if i'm gonna be hanging out with you guys so much if she's over here

i don't think i'm gonna be hanging out as much and just just to put it like that don't say i feel like you should break up with her i feel like she's gonna rob you of your soul or feast on you whatever you said which is so great you don't have to say all that just say you know what i'm just not really you know i don't i don't get along with her you guys fight a lot and it's really uncomfortable like that right there is a good one yeah i just fight a lot yeah you guys fight a lot i hear it and i just it's really uncomfortable i just want to chill out at home i don't have a good time with her when we're all hanging out i don't know what you want to do can you guys hang out more at her place maybe but i just this isn't working for me i live here too i pay half the rent and you're my

friend so i want to i want to be honest with you and see what he says and he might probably just be like yeah i know i know but he's got to figure that shit out for himself but at least you say it flip out because that's the girl that's he might flip out giving it up to him he might flip out but unless he's calling the girl names and saying you know your girlfriend's a bitch and i can't believe you're dealing with that you know lunatic then it should be fine but if he says i i don't really get along with her i don't have a good time when she's here you guys fight and i just i'm not into it and maybe we can work out a different schedule so that you hang out a bit more at her place because i live here too that's a very nice way of saying your girl is a big bag of douche yeah

and the thing is your friend knows it too and but it may be a good thing too because no one else is saying it to him so i actually how do you do that how you tell your friend that they're dating an asshole it's a it's a tough situation i think i think what you do is just say what you just said i think it's way better than what i was saying on the part i don't know what the fuck i said but just go in there and just say listen you know i like you i want you to be happy but you and your girlfriend you argue a lot and it it it's wearing me down and i'm finding my that i'm medicating myself so i can be around it and i don't want to be around it i'm not saying she can't come over here i'm not saying that but if there's any way you know she's over here five days a week there's

any way you could just split those yeah you know and you know if you love this girl then i'm not going to get and we never trashed the girl that's a huge don't ever trash don't ever trash the girl i mean inevitably he if he goes along with it the roommate says okay you're right he will have to say the girlfriend you know what let's hang out but i like hanging out your place well you know my roommate kind of just wants time to themselves what's that supposed to mean oh they have a problem with me he's gonna go right he's gonna go right over and flip out regardless you know because he's gonna tell her yeah he has to he has to he doesn't have to if he's a smart guy he won't say shit well will he how will he do it though to say let's hang out of your house because he's gonna

create a nightmare that's what fucking broke up the Beatles that's what broke up the Beatles is john and paul kept going home and bitching to their fucking girls about each other rather than just fucking hashing it out between themselves and then the fucking women got sick of hearing it and they said well didn't fucking start your own band right you're fucking driving me nuts with this shit and everybody blames yoko and fucking uh what's her face but you know that video i showed a long time ago where what's his face john lennon is playing guitar with chuck berry and they're playing some fucking song from back in the 50s that you know inspired like john lennon i guess to pick up the guitar like they loved chuck berry and you know they're playing one of those fucking uh you know

back in the usa kind of fucking songs and yoko it's how a little control he had his relationship he lets yoko be in the band on tv playing with them playing bongos and they have this little fucking bongo with one microphone on it and i don't know the fuck was the sound guy but he should have had the mic off because they're in the middle of this fucking uh one two three o'clock four o'clock kind of fucking old school rock and roll song and she just grabs the mic and watch your ears everybody i'm gonna try not to do it too loud she just goes like fucking i don't know where and the look on chuck berry's face is priceless he just looks at the crowd with his eyes wide open and you know exactly what he's saying he is he is this guy

in this email in that fucking video he's basically looking at the crowd going i don't know what he sees in her i can't say shit he loves her i would like to see the looks on the people's faces that he used to pee on chuck berry i'd like to see that what the willing people who are into that stuff i thought you didn't judge people i don't judge people but that's awful why are you why are you judging him for that and i actually thought he took pictures of people taking dumps he did i didn't know about that i thought he just peed on people well look you're a rock star you've done everything you've checked everything off the list what else can i do to this girl and they let him and it's a legitimate thing that some people are into i yeah okay

yeah all right and yes i try to be taller and i try not to judge no you're just mad because once again this is a this is a lady i actually blamed the fucking Beatles breaking up on paul and john being bitches okay can i get credit for that i got that okay well then can you at least roll with me that i am rolling with you but i just you said chuck berry with somebody going yeah yeah yeah yeah you have a fucking classic song no you're right you're right but i just was thinking of chuck berry and i just remember hearing that he used to pee on people and you said chuck berry's reaction and it made me think of i wonder what the reaction was as he's you know sorry to pee and it goes from like oh my god i'm i'm fucking like you know rock

you know blues guitar god chuck berry and now he's peeing on me and this was back in the day before people would talk about this and it was known that it was you know this was a real taboo thing so i just could imagine you're having sex with this guy and all of a sudden he starts peeing on you you think that's like a new thing no no not new it's new that people are discussing more openly i don't think back in when was he big 50s 60s yeah like didn't the greeks like openly talk about homosexuality like fucking a thousand fucking years ago didn't they do that didn't they maybe but not but they don't talk about it they had a room just for you to go in and throw up in after you fucking ate like but people didn't but people like in the 50s and 60s they weren't necessarily

talking about like how common it is for they didn't do it on the golden age of television they didn't talk about that's my golden shower speaking of golden age let's talk about a new trend sweeping the nation i had a long time ago i had this drum teacher and i actually put this in that book that we wrote and this guy was like 70 years old or something i had a girlfriend and i missed a lesson and he said ah he goes a stiff prick has no conscience and he was breaking my balls and he goes so what she looked like let me hear so i told him the story so he starts laughing and he starts telling me this fucking story of a 72 year old guy all right this is a back in like the fucking 90s so you know this guy was born in the in the 20s and he was telling a story he goes yeah i used to

bang this blonde haired green eyed chick in the park up against the tree and and i sat there with my fucking jaw on the ground because i'm looking at the guy he looked like Santa Claus and then he just i was like people did that back then and he just said he's like let me tell you something kid every generation thinks they're the first generation that ever fucked and he went on this whole long thing everything's been done it's all fucking you know and so i don't think uh you know i'm not defending doing something like that no no it's definitely not a new phenomenon but i fucking chuck berry we have a little respect here i absolutely absolutely he should have fucking peed on her in her mouth but she's going hey hey hey she sounded like she was getting peed on maybe that's

why his eyes fucking went wide he was probably getting roused oh Jesus all right we're gonna end on that yes all right that's the new log i hope you guys enjoyed it and i hope you had a happy post Thanksgiving week yeah happy holidays everybody oh that's what you said that's what you said and and uh you're you're you're when i was like my friend i had Thanksgiving for breakfast yeah that was the best and everybody just fucking as always flies right to you like a goddamn light yeah everybody loves you who doesn't relate to having that gay guy leftovers for breakfast gay guy uh-huh what about him we went to no doubt that concert right yeah we want to go see how much might get trashed i went to a no dog concert and i'm possibly making the very next night and i evidently

we went horseback riding on my birthday because we're a couple and we do couple type cutie shit yeah this is 50 fucking minutes long the epilogue is 50 minutes long oh no we should end it yeah we should end it all right all right you guys go fuck yourselves see you you