Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-30-15

Episode Date: November 30, 2015

Bill rambles about drinking yourself to death, giant fish tanks and the draw play.

Just as long you bulunize all those things you don't get, So long as it switched upside down Green space, green space, lenght The woods all in the requence, I walk up the stairs Six o'clock every night, how I am with the sweet For the orangish, L Mu Paeé Enjoy being a patron of L Pete and Ramadan With the amazing sound apparatus from Albert Heijn

And look also for the 2nd episode on TheWorldInEtKlijn.be This is what Albert Heijn likes to do Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr And this is the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday November 30th, 2015 What's going on? How are you? I'm not doing shit, it's Sunday night Sitting here with my fucking pit bull

And I'm watching, it's halftime, of the Patriots Broncos That's when I'm recording this Wa-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba You know what sucks about the fucking NFL? I never thought I would say this, this fucking parody thing I swear to God, any team can beat any team So you die like a thousand deaths every Sunday Remember back in the day, you know, if your team was good

You had those teams, you could just kick the shit out of four of them a year It just seems every week now, you're in a fucking dogfight It's 14-7, now they're going into the half It's starting to snow out there, these orange crush cunts They're starting to feel confident High tower got hurt Yeah, what are you gonna do? Hey, you know what I noticed, watching Sunday Night Football

You know when they have the little thing I'm sorry, I got the TV on in the background I can't believe they're redoing the whiz You know, do you guys ever see the original one? I swear to God, is it me or is it fucking nine hours long? It takes them like three hours before they even get to Nipsey Russell Come on in, ease on down Why don't you fucking run down the road?

I'm sorry, that's such a bad joke But it's too fucking long Who the fuck pitched to redo that thing? I don't even get it, why do you put it out now? That's not a holiday movie Why don't they just keep them like the old ones? Do you know I'm taping Root Off the Red? Nose Rope Bo Bo

Root Off the Red, Nose Reindeer That classic one From um What I went back in the fucking day, I'm gonna watch it, you know Tuesday night it comes on Get myself into the fucking holiday spirit I can't have the TV on do a podcast because I'm just keep talking about you guys want to watch TV with me I just saw this new Ray Liotta Jennifer Lopez movie or TV show. I don't know what it was. It was just coming out

I thought it was gonna be one of those commercials where Ray Liotta just stares at somebody because then I'd drink in vodka I just want the other person to be like Frank. No, I mean, I'm sorry. I love fucking good fellas, but this is my drink What's going on with you man? What's what's what the fucking looks relax? I get it. You can kick the shit out of me You know He's just laughing at their fucking manhood. He's disgusted with them. He's disgusted It's actually an amazing piece of acting because he never says anything He just fucking looks at him. He just see you just see the generational gap He you can just see him going your entire generation is a bunch of fucking pussies

Just with one fuck he just gives him that one fucking look and next you know, of course, they got the guy sitting over there with like an umbrella drink I don't think I've ever sat in a bar and anybody's ever fucking looked at me because of what I was drinking I guess I've gotten shit for it you know But that was just back when I lived in the Boston area. Oh, come on. You're fucking Mary Do a shot um I'm driving too

We're all driving Don't hear us making fucking excuses um Anyway, so you know when that that fucking horrific sunday night football song comes on You know the little cutie pie there and her glitter outfit because she's in showbiz, right? So you got to have some glitter on It's all this special effect shit Um, I don't know if it's me or what is isn't that song just a complete fucking ripoff of jone jets? I hate myself for loving you

When they get to the whole fucking, you know, I I love myself for watching football Isn't that how it goes? I think I don't know what they say always fast forward through it I've never liked that song. I liked it back when it was an orchestra You know when you had somebody like john williams you had some great composer come up with a piece of music That could actually move you emotionally and then somewhere along the line They went to hank williams jr And he took his hit song

All my rowdy friends are coming over tonight You know Don't blame hank wings jr. It's not his fault Okay, his dad obviously bang somebody Who had no musical talent whatsoever and so the best hank williams jr. Could ever be Is half hank williams senior, but you know sometimes you get a little more, you know You get a little more one than the other so

Rather than him singing what the fuck did hank williams sing? You're cheating heart My lonesome truck. I don't know what the fuck he sang But all I know is that guy like drank himself to death, but he was only like wow. I gotta look this up. How fucking old was that guy? That guy it looks like he's fucking 60 He drank himself to death, but wait wait wait. I gotta look this up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry You know, this is the kind this is what happens. This is what happens when you fucking just run your goddamn mouth hank williams Hank williams hank that he was he was the original frank the tank, but he was hank

1923 to 1953 he was fucking 30 years old You know he that's a you know as sad as that is that is a hell of an accomplishment to drink yourself to death by 30 I mean anybody can OD I mean that you know But I mean to literally to put in the fucking hours that the the amount of hours that it takes To drink yourself to death in only 30 years I mean you gotta figure the guy didn't have his first shot of booze

We'll say I'll even give I'll just say 13 He had his first fucking drink of booze And within 17 years Guys fucking dead That's amazing. I remember a long time ago watching some fucking show or something It was saying the body was actually designed to live 150 years Optimal conditions, you know Basically if they treated you like a fucking classic car that had been had a body off restoration

They just sort of floated you around and never drove you or anything like that, right? Like you could live, you know breathing perfect air eating perfectly and all that you'd live for 150 years Um, which that made sense to me because every time when those people used to come and give the cancer talks about cigarettes To be like every time you smoke a cigarette you take five minutes off of your life There's 20 cigarettes up in a pack. So that's uh Why that's a hundred minutes? So you just took almost two hours Of your life away. So I was sitting there, you know doing my dumb math going. Well, Jesus christ

You'd be fucking dead by the time you 30 because I was counting down from like 80. I guess they're counting down from 150 Or maybe they're just lying and they're trying to scare the shit out of you And they don't think some freckled cunt in the crowd's going to try to actually do some math. I don't know All I'm saying Is you got to give it up to Hank Williams, you know Drinking himself to death, you know, uh, you know the first third the first third is cirrhosis is fucking fun After a while, it's not fun anymore. But you know a lot of things aren't fun after a while you know

Being a parent isn't fun after a while. You see it on their faces Once they get past the little bundle of joy Once he's done saying cute things once they're done being cute You know like they step on an ant and they say hey, hey, what look I did it I did he like oh, did you say I did she just said I did it rather than I killed it Oh, that's adorable right the little things kids say Once they get past that and they start rolling their fucking eyes at you You know, you just like i'm i'm fucking over this shit

That's right parenting is like cirrhosis of the liver Look at bob costas with this fucking smart-looking coat and his goddamn scarf Guy always looks sharp. You got to give it up to him Um, am I the only person who winced when they talked about what was wrong with Peyton Manning's foot? planter fisheuritis, which I've actually had Um from improper technique playing drums I didn't know how to get I was trying to do those john bottom triplet fucking things From good times bad times and I think I was just using my big toe to try to make it happen

So I was arching my foot. I don't know what the fuck happened. I woke up the next day I thought someone was stabbing me in the foot but uh Peyton actually it's basically this I don't even know what it is. I had it and I don't even know what the fuck it is I thought it was a tendon That runs along the arch of your foot I don't know what after I saw the drawing then I didn't know what the fuck it was but It goes from your heel

To like uh, like where you get your bunion there, you know, if you get hammer toes stop hammer toes If you get hammer toes, right that part that sticks out. Anyways, the part near the heel they say is tearing away from the bone What the fuck I'm done I am fucking done at that point. I might be part of my body is tearing away from the bone I'd stop doing stand-up if my fucking arm from leaning on the mic stand Is something in my elbow started tearing that I would just be a podcaster and that would be it My voice would crack and I would cry

So it looks like we're gonna be losing Peyton Manning and Kobe Bryant in the same fucking year Two monsters of their games. You guys see Kobe's poem. My wife read it to me Actually, even as a Celtics fan, I was a little sad Then I also had to chuckle that he wrote this whole poem this whole ode to basketball And I'm not once did he ever mention coaches or teammates and I was kind of thinking like, you know what? That's why he never passed the ball. Did he? He's still one of the greats, but jesus christ How about a shout out to fucking

shack At least his ass, you know Remember that how does my ass taste? I'm sorry. Well, let's let's get let's get back. Let's get back on track here What was I talking about? I was talking about planter fisheritis is that what no I was talking about how I'm The the hook of that Thursday night fucking song the sunday night football song They got to get you into it right because you're not into because you're not into football evidently So they got to have some lady Come out a little sparkly dress

Throw a couple looks to the camera like, you know what I'd blow you if you were here I'd fucking blow you she's got to give you those looks Thursday night football is here's my tits, right? They do that Can't break free of the things that you do. It's the same fucking song in full life for me, you know I think jone jet ought to she ought to go after the fucking NFL. Why not they went after tom brady Why can't they go after fucking jone jet? Do you know I got in a big argument with this fucking friend of mine, right? Who right now I think he's a cunt No, I don't but he just was you know, he was being a way he was being a what I've never run into a whiny giant fan

New york giant fan. I love giant fans. They never bitch. They never whined. They just fucking beat my team I got to respect that he was fucking he was still whining about the giants losing to the patriots two weeks ago It's like dude, you went two and oh and the fucking Superballs against us. Why don't you give a fuck about a game in november? He was no who won that game We actually won that game because when you got caught the ball, they said well, they won your catch. We caught it. Yeah, I agree with you I thought that's Brian caught that fucking ball. I don't understand what you got to fucking do these days for them to call it a catch It's a weird fucking rule

So he started going in on how the patriots cheat and I'll let fucking Whiny horseshit and he tried to say that the patriots wouldn't this is the best one I've heard so far the patriots win 90% of coin tosses Which I think that's that's the number I always pull out of my ass when I want to win an argument. That's the percentage I always go with 90% Look 90% of people out there. We're fairly fucking blah blah blah, right? So he tried to tell me that 90% of the fucking time We win the coin toss. It's like, okay, so what are we doing there? Are we somehow sneaking a fucking different quarter in there like it's it's just

Unfuck it and he continued on with the whole the patriots watch the rams Final fucking walk through before the Super Bowl even though the espn Detracted it and said that was a complete horseshit lie. Of course. They detracted it at 12 30 in the morning, you know They talked about it for five years at 9 o'clock in the morning on sports center And then when they find out that they were perpetuating a lie, they then oh, oh, I'm sorry about that fucking 12 30 so um I don't know. I finally got him to come around I finally got him to come around. It's just like look, okay? If you want to see the guilty of gamesmanship

Absolutely, do they fucking you know Try to get away with shit if they can get away with it. Yeah, but so does everybody They just don't fucking win all the Super Bowls You know It's unfucking believable what other teams have done and there's like no fucking problem Like I'll tell you right now that fucking do you guys see that that redskins play Where uh curt cousins they hiked the ball and the ball flew out of his fucking hands and he asked the ref

Where did you get this ball because he thought there was something slick on it? And they go you got it from your own sideline If that happened during a patriots game in the other quarterbacks said that we would have lost the draft picks somehow They would have fucking But is it is it possible that maybe they they greased the fucking they had somebody sneak over dressed like a red skin and greased up the balls Um You know what I mean, I don't I've gone through this a zillion fucking times, but uh, you know

I I don't it's unbelievable that that piece of shit jim ursay and that piece of shit fucking uh I can't even remember his name Eric man genie Have effectively tarred and feathered The the patriots that will that will be brought up for them for the rest of fucking time Air pressure and stealing signs is what they're fucking guilty of right? That's it These other teams have to fucking defense tested positive for steroids They're building stadiums that make their fucking fan base sound loud. It's fucking hilarious. Oh, that's they're pumping fucking

Crowd noise in and it's fine. It's fine. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it Jesus fucking christ. We still signs for one fucking game One game. It was illegal and all that's all they know they did They did it every game Unreal I'll have to have that debate for the rest of time It was only illegal for that one game that we did it and got caught if we did it the year before the year before It wasn't fucking illegal Then all you stupid cunts out there who think all you have to do is just film the other coach and then you know

What they're gonna do you dumb fucks you gotta you'd have to take that and line it up with Their plays watch it at halftime and then try to memorize as much as you can if you're lucky maybe on two plays You know what the fuck they're doing You know what I mean I mean the teams sit there and they watch game film every fucking week looking at their formations and all of that Shit, how is that legal? You couldn't do that back in the fucking 30s, right?

Yeah I fucking just sitting there. I guess you could if you get what camera Some guy into those fucking jockey parents and just sit there rolling the film How is watching game film legal that's you're considered then you're a good student But if you try to steal their signs, then you're a cunt. I I don't get it I don't get it But I'm never gonna defend that the patriots don't try to fucking bend the rules in their favor But I won't go so far as to say that everybody else in the league doesn't also fucking do it

This whole fucking horse, you know what they sound like they sound like republicans when they talk about america when they go America was founded on Everybody's got a shot and they completely ignored genocide and slavery right That's what other football fans sound like to me when they when they try to act like we're the only ones who fucking Dick around with the rules Oh, jesus christ. He just landed on brady the brady rule in effect personal foul hitting tom brady

I love that man. He's got a cute little butt 15 yards first down. I love it I love it. I love that's called the brady rule You know, even it's the money rule. They call it the brady rule that actually Suggest that the nfl on some fucking level gives a fuck about uh Tom brady they don't they give a fuck about the money he makes, you know, I mean, it's like fucking lance armstrong

all right After all the bullshit after he gets fucking caught there everybody gets on their high horse. That's disgusting That's not what the tour de france is about and all that fucking shit Let me ask you this all those cunts that made all of that fucking money When he when he won seven in a row and people who didn't give a fuck about bike racing tuned in and watched and they could charge More money for advertising Okay, during that whole time did they give the money back all the fucking money they made All those owners that made all that money off all those fucking guys doing steroids

You know hitting the ball over the fucking goddamn freeway Made all that money. Oh, we're gonna clean up the game. Oh, yeah, you're gonna give away all that dirty money You made your fucking cunts like you didn't know they were doing roids That's your team if you managed an applebee's and then half of your staff was on steroids You wouldn't you wouldn't fucking notice? At some point when you walk in when you're going in to go get a fresh sack of fucking potatoes You wouldn't walk in on somebody injecting somebody else in the fucking buttocks Just out of just being there every fucking day

You know what's going on. I have to tell you that time when I used to work at that fucking, uh It's holding all fucking day and they let it go brady deep. There's an intercept. Yeah, he drops the ball Little fell you motherfucker We got away with holding on that one Jesus christ anyways, I used to work in this fucking, um I used to work in this restaurant. It was called the sable cafe in carry, north carolina Back in like 87 88 Ah, why did I just say that now? I'm gonna say all this fucking horrific shit about

It was a fun job and uh, there was some uh activities that were going on in the back room Because a fuck it was almost 30 years ago. Anyway, so I worked in this fucking place and um I used to work on a mesquite grill and I had this big chef hat like I knew what the fuck I was doing And uh, the place was gradually going out of business One of the managers had a major cocaine program, but a lot of people did it was the 80s It wasn't really it was just becoming a problem. You know, that's right around was cocaine the big lie You know, I mean, so this guy used to steal from the registry do a little fucking toot, right? And you know You know the fucking the guy if the guy fucking running shit

Is on drugs and I mean it just trickles damn a guy set an example. So, you know I remember you I used to work like the fucking dinner shift one night And it's this fancy fucking restaurant and by fancy. I mean there's carpeting this cloth napkins and they had a giant fish tank All right, that was fancy for fucking carry north carolina You know, that was fucking asshole. So he's giving me shit for being a Yankee You know in fact carry back then stood for concentrated area of relocated Yankees That's what these say like, you know, you know, you know carry stands for You know what that stands for

Uh, nobody what is it stands for concentrated area? Relocated Yankee. I fucking hate the draw play you cunts has the draw play ever. Well, it's never fucking worked The draw play Okay, it must have worked at some point. They keep running the fucking thing I think then that's when you've just decided that you're gonna punt And be like, all right, you know what let's just not give the ball over right here Let's just uh, you know, just wait a second. It never It never fucking works

It's weird how the draw play doesn't work, but somebody fucking basically doing the same thing But if they go out for a pass it always works or it works more times than not, you know what I mean? Like sort of the delayed screen Right When you got the line gap records coming up the a gap. Ah, jesus christ. What are we doing? Ah, fucking christ Anyways, I gotta be honest with you with all the interest we got I think if we would play carolina panthers right now, um The only reason we if we would win would be we would just outcoach them out of fucking experience

But I think carolina looks like uh, they look like world beaters to me um I don't know how fucked up is it that the redskins are fucking five and six and they're in first place You know what I mean? Like I think seven and nine could win that division You know, I'll tell you what's gonna be brutal is watching the new york media drive tom cofflin out of town That's gonna be fucking unreal like he doesn't not a coach You know, it's not his problem that one of his best defensive players Mamed himself

You know what I mean that whole fucking thing he had to deal with I mean, I don't know I don't I mean the fucking guy's a winner man. He we he came to bc Immediately turned it around after the the the the dug flute. He hang over all of a sudden we became we were winners again Right have to pick now left. He went to jacksonville He almost got the jacksonville jaguars to the fucking super bowl. He fucking goes to the goddamn new york giants They went to super bowls beating the undefeated patriots 18 and 0 Guy has one fucking bad. I guarantee it. They're gonna fucking they're gonna send him out of town He is you know, one of my buddies thinks it's because of his windburn face

I've never seen a guy who needs fucking lotion more in my life Like I think that that's his next move before he if he gets run out of town, you know, and he just needs a break from football They should do that thing, you know, like if you go involved and they just go, uh, not only the fucking douchebag in the commercial almost to a client, right? He should do that with like fucking, uh Whatever face lotion, whatever the fuck you call whatever how do you get that red shit off of his? He's got he's unbelievable guys. He's got his windburn in like september. It's like It's like he low he always looks like he just got done competing in like america's cup You know what I mean? At least come out with a little noxema in your nose, right?

I don't you guys are thinking like bill you're just running your fucking yap here. How about a break? I haven't gotten the advertising or the fucking The questions yet for this week. So i'm just fucking filibuster in here trying to get through this shit um Hey, did I uh, did I mention that I went? Oh, I told you guys on thursday. I went to the uh, the king's black hawks game and um On what what if the highest level hockey i've seen in so long it was unreal like the whole first period It just seemed like they were failing each other out to see what they were gonna do and and

Just the whole fucking thing every fucking line Every deep defensive unit their goaltenders all of that shit. It just it was incredible The way that they played do you know there was there was only two penalties the whole there was two penalties in the first period That was it Chicago went up to nothing and then the king scored two in the third and then came back Uh and won an overtime by the way three on three even if you fucking hate hockey There's there's nothing to hate about three on three hockey and overtime. It's fucking unbelievable

Just end to end Action every five seconds. It seemed like you were seeing a two on one or a break away And um, oh the lovely nia everybody Look at you linger in over there. I actually heard al michael's tonight talk about the three on three hockey. Are you leaving? Are you gonna come here? Are you gonna go see creed? Nia's like one of the only black people ever into that band No Yeah, don't you like them? What do they think about jesus?

Cries on the bros and and he got stabbed or shot Again No, not what it not create the band. What did creed sing create the movie? I don't know if you can sing a creed song. Oh, I'll take you out for an ice cream. Okay. Can you take me higher? Oh, that's right That wasn't bad. Can you take? I don't know what he says. Yeah I heard

Is that like power rock? Is that considered power rock those kind of bands or like the lead singer is just like Like just like this really anytime they say power Associated with music. There's no power in it. Okay. Come here. Come here. Says who says you? Yes, it's me in my dumb opinion Oh, you are fucking over me today. Are they playing in boston? The patriots. No, they're playing in denver. It always rains. Look. I mean snow is sorry Yes, i'm going to Go see creed. Are you coming? Are you going to be done? I don't have the advertising on the questions yet. So no

Look at cleo Look how cute she is She's actually exhausted. I took her on a long hike today. Yeah, I think we definitely need to start feeding her more because you exercise her like So you're just like an athlete. Yeah, because she didn't put on fucking 10 pounds. I did. Yeah, me too You know what i'm gonna try to do in december. What's that honey? Oh god, I pissed neah off today I gotta tell the story. I got this the neah

neah hates when I I make fart noises Like if i'm singing and I don't know I just go If I just do that, I hate when people do that in general It's so I don't like it because I don't like Bathroom toilet humor. Like I just I think it's so gross. All right, so she hates it. So of course What am I gonna do? So i'm singing along to the radio and I just keep making fart noises and the matter she gets The funnier it is to me and I keep thinking don't do this because we had a wonderful afternoon This is gonna ruin it and I just it was so much fun. I had to keep doing it. Yeah, and you kept doing it

while I You know there's something wrong with you if you don't think of farts noise is funny I can see if I actually farted and you had to deal with the death that came out of me, right? Nothing is wrong with me. You have the maturity of a 12 year old and it's like you can't just let someone enjoy their day Without doing something irritating. It's true. You like to irritate people, especially me admit it I have no idea what you're talking about. I just wanted to take my lovely wife

Out to lunch. Well, you did take Matt's lunch. It was very nice Okay I don't understand why you have such a problem with that. I'll you know what? I will make an effort to stop doing it Can you take me higher? A 47 year old person has to say I'll make an effort not to make fart noises like seriously. I'm a fucking clown That's what I do for a living. What do you want from me? Not to make fart noises. You're better than that bill. I'll fuck you with your reverse psychology. I'm not I know how much you hate that saying

You're better than that That's horrific All right, I'm going Hey, have you noticed the Broncos quarterback is like eight feet tall Are you talking to me? Yeah Why would I okay? Well, you can notice if somebody's tall can you know weird how fucking tall he is? I want to see him riding a tank like Michael Dukakis just to see how much of his torso comes out of that fucking hole

Remember what he did? Oh, you were too young when they when he ran for president He was running for president. He was doing fine. And then he drove a tank. We didn't drive a tank They just had him stick his fucking head out I remember when he was running I remember when he was running even though I was young and I remember his wife drank like rubbing alcohol didn't she Kitty Kitty. Oh, yeah, kitty Dukakis. Yeah, top three dumbest reasons. I ever saw anybody not be able to run for president

or lose it is Dukakis sticking his head out that fucking manhole And that's what it looked like. It was his it was his fucking eyebrows. That's that's what screwed him Gary Hart getting fucking in trouble for banging is uh that fucking brought on the boat. I mean, that's what you get a boat for right All right, you're losing me. I'm losing you and then third was when Howard Dean went And then he was just like, all right, fuck that guy. He got a little excited. He was like a wrestler

I thought that was weird. We're gonna go to carolina. We're gonna go to missus. I mean, we're gonna go to Yeah, it was an unfortunate It was an unfortunate moment Hey, and enjoy the movie. I wish I was going to go see it Do you mean literally what time it is you saying then like a black way like, you know what time it is Jesus, she hates me All right, that's the first half for the podcast. I have to wait for the advertising and all that shit So it's not gonna mean shit to you. I'm just gonna hit pause

And when I come back, I'm gonna read a little bit of advertising It's 14 to seven the nine foot quarterback drops back. He throws it down and that's a first down for the Broncos Jesus christ look at the size of them It's not even any snow on the top of his helmet. I mean a guy's up above the storm clouds Sorry, what's his name osweiler Do you know nia took me to this fucking german bar and I had the best goddamn fucking brats And I got one of those giant beer steins like a fucking asshole Um

But whatever it starts tomorrow, man. I gotta turn this shit around. I've actually I didn't lose the weight Nice fucking play um I didn't sorry I didn't uh, I didn't lose the weight. I wanted to lose but I just I stayed the same which is pretty good for fucking Thanksgiving week. I still worked out every day, but you know I made a bunch of pies. I had to eat them. You know what the fuck was I supposed to do? So, um Anyways, what I want to do is uh

Six days a week. I'm actually gonna go to the gym and I'm gonna get on that fucking elliptical for an hour I'm gonna do it six days a week throughout december That's the promise that I'm making to myself And as you can tell by the tone of my voice, I'm not even remotely thrilled by it But I refuse to go right back to the fucking fat ass cunt fucking weight that I was Uh, the pies are done most of our Thanksgiving food is done so I can go back to my uh My thrilling way of eating healthy

I can't believe I fucking did. Oh, I can't believe I did this to myself again You know what the one good thing I do have is I haven't had a cigar in 15 days That's pretty good. So I want to be that guy who fucking, you know, once or twice a month I'll have a cigar. It'll be a special moment. You know what I mean? Oh god, I just pictured Caitlyn Jenner in a bubble bath. My wife showed me that fucking picture and I freaked out I wasn't ready for it. You know just showed it. I was just oh and he missed the fucking field goal Yes There you go. Yeah with your stupid

Movember mustache We know people would die in a canteen. You're fucking shave that off Um Anyways, I'm just literally stalling waiting for this shit to fucking come in here. All right. I got to uh, let me let me Hit pause here. I'm gonna hit pause and I'm gonna fucking find out where where where everything I'm gonna get to the bottom of this And now when I come back, you guys are going to get to listen to me read out loud. All right All right by the magic They're with the magic of the pause button. I'm back like a half hour later

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Why would you you don't love it? You literally have nothing to lose so fucking go check it out. All right dollar shape club everybody Dollar shape club uh stop shaving with an old razor It's gross you know Don't you treat yourself Why are you torturing yourself with the gross old blade week after week ever thought about that? Why do you do it because it's a pain in the ass it costs a zillion dollars. They got to unlock it from the case All right, you don't want to shell out 20 bucks for a pack of new ones basically

And it's a pain in the ass even just to go to the fucking store even if they were Priced what they were supposed to price be priced at right so that out of a sentence works. I don't know Let's get to the point here dollar shape club.com has revolutionized The way that men shave With dollar shape club you can shave with the fresh blade as often as you want because they deliver a whole sleeve of amazing razors For just a few bucks a month. I'm eating so bad right now. I thought they were gonna say sleeve of cookies I got excited there for a minute. Are they orios? Uh, their razors are so good millions of guys have joined

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Join the millions of others who figured out the smarter way to shave join dollar shape club now by going to dollar shape club dot com slash burr That's dollar shape club dot com slash burr Dollar shape club dot com slash burr All right mvt m mvmt watches This is the last read. Oh, no, there's two more. Ah, we gotta do all these because I don't have the questions yet Thanks to movement watches for their sponsorship of this podcast. They sent some watches and blank Please share your thoughts on the watches here. Well, I haven't gotten them yet. I always turn down this shit, by the way

You know what I mean with it? Hey, I'm gonna send you some fucking peanuts and velvet underwear. It's like I don't I don't want that I got too much shit I got too much shit. All right. I got like 9 000 Fucking drumming things that I'm never gonna use just filling up my fucking office. The last thing I need You know, I'm sure they're great You know, you got investors. Isn't that enough? I gotta walk around wearing it Interception fuck. All right mvt mt. What let's read this again

mv mt watches Let me I'm gonna be a team player in this one mvm t watches everybody Let me do it where you can edit it so they won't hear this part mvm t watches Thanks to movement watches for their sponsorship of this podcast. They sent me over some watches Oh my god, I can't believe how well they tell time. They feel great on my wrist, too Does me undies make the watch band? They got it

My wrist feels as good as my balls I tried check them out It was this little crowdfunded brand that is revolutionizing the watch game Oh snap They're starting to get a lot of press from gq playboy height beast asked men Said they are the hottest watch company on the market. What the hell is height beast? They're all about this idea that high quality doesn't have to break the bank and they actually deliver probably why they have over a million social media followers Either there they got some horse showing her tits while she wears the watch. That's another way to get that's a way to get another million right there, right?

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Um, all right, the last one Mercifully mercifully was that a fumble patriots say they got it Patriots like it. I don't see the refs flipping out. He's bleeding his case. That ain't gonna happen. It ain't gonna happen There's a fat referee right there I bet he's warm He's got a built-in fucking ski parker right around his fucking His chest, right? Oh, no. Oh, no, we fumbled the ball. We fumbled the ball and then the broncos recovered it Oh, god damn you

God damn you How dare you do that wearing steve grogan's old number. I think the broncos get this ball Oh, you fucking cock suckers, you know, I just realized you guys already know what happens You know, I'm sitting here acting like this suspense here. Oh, bellichick doesn't look happy 21 to 7 we had these guys put away The ball coming back 1416 Did you let this eight foot quarterback right back in on the 40? Oh that 36 yard line

Eight foot quarterback drops back to pass. He throws it downhill that guy fucking drops it Came right through a club All right stamps.com everybody. Well, you know what the holidays here you have time to go to the post office You don't have time. Sorry to go to the post office traffic parking It's gonna be packed with everyone mailing holiday gifts and packages. So do what I do All right, you stamps.com instead with stamps.com. You can void all the hassles man Are going to the post office during the busy holiday season everything you do at the post office You can do right from your desk. So there's no reason to go anymore. Well, what can I do with my desk?

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Postage and a digital scale. So don't wait go to stamps.com before you do anything else You click on the microphone at the top of the home page of god dammit You type in burr that stamps.com enter burr. All right, there we go And I am out of fucking Oh for fuck's sakes tackle a guy jesus christ Oh God dammit this fucking parody. Well, I know we got a lot of injuries and shit, but jesus christ this fucking parody is killing me They're killing me whitey. They're killing me

So the other night I went to a bar surprise surprise after um After the uh, the king's black hawks game Um, I took the subway back. I love taking the subway out here You know what I mean? And it's like a real subway now like there's all kinds of fucking vandalism on it and shit I remember when you know when I first moved out here in 2007 you went down there. It was just like You went on that subway and it's like wow, this is what The world would look like if there was a like a massive plague Yeah, yeah, let him turn the corner and get a first down and a touchdown. There you go. Great defense guys way to go

Yeah, fucking christ sake. Um, anyways, I was thinking like this is must be what the world's gonna be like after a giant plague hits Right and then we start all over again, and we still know how to do shit, right? We still have some reason the scientists fucking survive Ah, fuck Somehow the scientists survived that would be the ultimate thing if the scientists survived so you like You had the same amount of people on the planet that um That existed

You know when we were just running around in caves and shit um But you have all that that new technology then that that would be perfect, right? Yeah, but you need ditch diggers too The fuck's gonna plow the street and pave the roads come on miss the extra point you fucking cut 21 to 14 Um, am I the only patriots fan that actually think it's a good thing to um To maybe lose a game and go into the playoffs and let the Panthers be undefeated Oh, yeah, they'll a little always

I'm just thinking, you know get a little less attention Just one year. I'd love to be treated like the Indianapolis Colts You know what I mean? Well, your owner can literally be abusing drugs and fucking around with everyone, you know And nobody gives a shit I mean tremendous just living that quiet time out there. Wouldn't that be nice? Well, I think it would be, you know, I think it'd be nice if I could get some fucking questions over here I don't know what else I'm supposed to do with myself

Well, what am I up to here 45 fucking minutes of me running my yap and trying to read out loud This is getting ridiculous. You guys want to listen to me send a text? This is pathetic, you know, I'm gonna start my fucking Christmas shopping Oh, I know what I was gonna tell you so I fucking came back on the I know I'm all over the place Fuck you. It's how my brain works. So I'm on the fucking subway. I get off And I meet Jay Lawhead at this fucking bar and it's just one of these cool fucking bars They're not a lot of people know about but enough people know about that it stays open You could fucking chill out in there, man. You could have a good time and it was perfect

It was a perfect old man fucking bar. I apologize for yawning if I'm making you tired at work And everything's going good and then out of nowhere This cool bar they start having karaoke And all these fucking nerds are going up there and just going Just going full out singing horrific Singing dancing just absolutely awful Just a horrible display of communication was going on And it was annoying the shit out of me because I just wanted to be in a quiet place

Drinking why am I yawning all the place drinking a fucking, you know a beer or something I just want to be a nice quiet fucking place, right? And Um The fucking Halfway through them singing and dances everything. I actually fucking tap lawhead And I go I go look at them Look at them lawhead Look at them. I go. That's what's heckling you on twitter right now

Look at them trying to dance look at these fucking animals trying to sing look at them These are the people these are the people that blog These are the people that get offended. Oh, look at colors what that male michael's both rock and the scarves I don't understand why they have the scar are they are they inside or are they outside? They always make them look like they got the window open I do I need to take a nap what the fuck just happened. You know what it is. I'm getting sleepy waiting for these fucking reeds to come over here Um, you know, I'm interviewing p. Corrielli this week for the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast where I Check in on you and uh, he has a new special out on showtime. I believe this is one of my favorite comics that uh, not enough people know about

Um Great storyteller and I've known him. I've known this guy for 20 fucking years back when we used to um Worked a new york comedy club together late night spots and all that who the fuck is that guy? brady keeps throwing to The anti-grunk who is that guy? Oh, and we get a past interference. Ah, here comes our first loss of the year. Oh, well, what the fuck are you gonna do anyways? Um, you know what? I'm gonna pause again. I'm gonna wait for these things. I swear to god

This is this is the most fucked up podcast I've ever done. I'm gonna wait for these these I'm coming back reading people I'm gonna prepare you right now All right, I'll be back. Well, you know with the technology. I'll be back in a second. All right All right, I'm back. I don't know if uh, that's probably weird that I say I'll write them back because it didn't seem like I left with the fucking editing, right? Shut up bill. We get it. You hit pause. Um I can't find I don't my reads aren't coming through this week So I'm just gonna fucking pick some shit out here as I go from old emails

Somebody sent me something because I mentioned that I went to chipotle And they had all these signs on the wall about how hey, we don't put any shit in our food Which made me fucking weird it out like well, you shouldn't But I guess so many people do I don't know so I thought you know Made them seem shady to me, right? By the way, it's 21 17 at this point in my world Oh for fuck's sakes. You got to catch that It's behind them though. Um anyways Yeah, it says hey bill just want to drop you a line about chipotle

Which you mentioned on thursday's podcast Check out this recent article in la times chipotle is being harassed by a bogus consumer watchdog group That is actually funded by restaurant alcohol tobacco and energy companies They are spending millions of dollars harassing companies that do or say anything Which goes against the interest of their clients chipotle's stance against antibiotics and meat has apparently incurred their wrath This firm is engaged in a very public ad campaign smearing chipotle So I think probably this think this probably has something to do with All the signs you saw in chipotle the other day touting their product and what they do differently

Thanks for the podcast go fuck yourself. So I clicked on the link there and And it says uh, why is a non-profit shill for business interests attacking chipotle It says the u.s department of health and humane human services Says that if you're being pushed around by a bully walk away and stay away Don't fight backs chipotle has taken this message to heart Evidently they're not fighting these guys chris arnold a spokesman for the burrito chain told me chipotle has no plans to Tangle with the food industry front group that has run a series of ads critical of the company's health claims

Uh, the guy says chris says this is a smear campaign, but we've chosen to take the high road position The most recent ad appeared last week in the new york post It said chipotle is scaring the public and tricking people Into thinking the chain's meat is healthier because it's quote antibiotic free Blah blah blah blah so allegedly this is just some this is a group that's pretending to be a watchdog group, but it's actually You know a spokesman for probably corporations that put antibiotics in their fucking food And all of this other shit Jesus tom brady is just acting like a fucking lunatic When are they gonna throw a flag on the guy? I know he's got seniority, but even as a patriots fan

What is yeah, he's you know, he's fucking flipping out Yeah, he's losing his cool. We're like tommy tommy get the fuck out of here. Okay, you're the face of the goddamn league We we can't give you a fucking Gronk seems frustrated. Oh the Broncos cheating. God. It's all right That's okay. Are they are they doing little fucking underhanded things to get an advantage? That's okay. You're in Denver. It's fine. It's fine No cheating no underhanded shit there Tom Brady throwing deep down a fucking what the fuck

Oh boy This doesn't seem like it's our night now does it 21 17 Now it's fourth and 15. I don't like it. I'm already drinking already. I already got a beer here. So anyways, uh these fucking guys, I guess, um I don't understand how these groups are legal. I guess they've been around for years where You can put together a fake group like rick berman executive director of the center acknowledged that the organization is funded by Part by food and beverages company um He declined to name any of the contributors and the guy goes it doesn't matter who pays

As long as what i'm saying is truthful and i'm telling the truth. What a crock of shit Um, you know what? I guess so who knows? I don't know what to believe now. I guess now I'll go to fucking Chipotle I don't fucking I What what is it a belief? I mean now if you're gonna have fucking you don't understand this genetically altered salmon now Like why like why weren't we allowed to vote on that? Why don't they put that to the people? Why is that the fucking center? Oh, that's right because they got them all paid off, right? Now it works Jesus christ do I have to hit pause again?

I do I got to find another letter. This is like fucking uh, this is like what podcasting in the 1800s must have been been like right I got a bad feeling we're gonna lose this fucking game Why bill did the patriots help you pay your bills? No, but I mean, you know They're the football team in my city. I'll be back in a minute All right, so I guess there's gonna be no reads this week. I don't know what to fucking tell you I don't know where the fuck they are, but i'm not waiting around all night. All right, there's four minutes left We hand off the ball and they fucking tackle us again right at the line of scrimmage

um Some of my drum teacher got me into tears for fears this week. I couldn't stand them in the 80s I just hated the guy's face, you know, I hated the way he sort of launched his face at the fucking camera as he sang Welcome to my world It's the one you Rock and Ritter Ryer Nothing

Right and I just couldn't get past their fucking face so first down so he fucking um Three and a half minutes left. Come on patriots hang in there get a fucking field goal over there Um, that's the one help us out. Why I feel go put us up by fucking seven points I like it. So anyways He goes listen to this tears for fears

I was like, I was like, oh my god tears for fear everybody wants to rule the world and Wait, you know how many times I've heard that fucking song Like now I don't mind tears for fears because it reminds me of the 80s when I was young had a full head of hair My whole life in front of me, you know You know my pants were all puffy. I was lifting weights every day, but only the upper body The way you're supposed to oh no to grog just get hurt And he took it. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no Oh

fuck Dude everybody who's even remotely good on the team is heart now Except brady. I shouldn't have just said that Oh, Jesus Oh, they just went to commercial just went black. Ah fuck. Anyways um So he says listen to this tears for fears, you know, everybody wants to rule the world and I might get the fuck, you know So I'm listening to it for years. I never heard what was going on with the hi-hat

you know The guy's playing triplets, but he's he's playing him in groups of two he accents every other one Listen to it. I always say he's just boom. Don't do that. Don't don't I thought it was that I didn't know like the hi-hats Going cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat right only drummers understand what I'm talking about right one and uh It's kind of like uh, the way you when you first learn how to jerk off like, you know, you just try It's the same fucking thing except you do it on the hi-hat But anyways, there's a point in the story that maybe you guys can relate to this most fucked up podcast

um that I've done Is he then played this song about the ladies at some fucking song about women set them free and quit Fucking around with them or whatever the hell it is. Where is it? I downloaded the song, but this is sick ass fucking fill Towards the end of the song and uh My drum teacher showed it to me, you know goes over the bar line comes out on the end of one. It's fucking unreal And who is it? Who is it on drums? Phil Collins

And I go you got to be kidding me people on my podcast are shitting on Phil Collins Talking about, you know, how he sucks This out look at grunk. He's down. Uh, fuck. This is bad. They keep saying how he sucks and all that, you know, and he was going He'll be talking about this guy's a fucking monster every other shit. He didn't uh, was it brand X? Oh, no, he got hit right in the fucking knee um All of that type of stuff, um Oh

God that's bad Guys, I'm sorry. I'm watching them. I'll never do this again. This is like Fucking ridiculous that I'm doing this at the same time. Um But anyways, I'm covering my eyes because I don't want to fucking see his leg knee wiggle like that again This is this is why people hate Phil Collins All right It's because they don't take the time to act like this is a guy. He's such a fucking talent that he actually Like he could go to Berkeley play drums

I mean, I know he's had health problems, but at the height of his popularity he um at the height of his skills I should say before he got hurt like that guy Could fucking force Helen looking at grunk Before his health got fucked up. I'm sorry guys This fucking guy would have like like musicians at Berkeley with their jaws on the fucking ground All right, and they're into all his prog rock shit But then he was so good. He could actually fucking write songs that made 14 year old girls dance around like molly ringwald and breakfast club And the problem is is your average jackass

Classy bronco fans clapping right there class act right there The fucking your average jackass isn't going to listen to the to the prog rock stuff So all they're going to listen to is susudio and all that remember in the 80s. I fucking hated phil collins Mid 80s, I couldn't stand the guy and then when I started playing drums and I started paying attention to who was drumming on what I was like, wow, I mean this guy drummed on the tears for fear thing. He drummed for this in the 80s robert plant eric clappden Uh when zeppelin got together he played with them Um

If he really sucked, I don't think that they would be bringing this guy along. Would you so I would say listen to uh Some of his older shit. That's all I'm saying. I you know what? I'm going to put a clip up of him just fucking playing Uh, just playing drums and people probably still say that he sucks, but I I think he's the shit um, but anyways, um Can I bail now guys? Can I just say that that's the podcast? I'm sorry. I didn't have the fucking materials I needed But I got a I got an early day tomorrow. I'm starting to get ready. I'm hyping the efforts for family by the way Um getting great feedback on that and uh, I just wish it would come out already And uh, we got a premiere coming up out here in la

Which I'm really excited and nervous about um, this is weird feeling When you watch something that you did and it's it's being shown on a screen and you can't fix it And it's just going to be played it freaks me the fuck out because I'm used to performing live And if it's going shitty, I can speed up I can slow down this this I can make at least try to make some adjustments But like if you're in something and it's not working with the crowd You just got to sit there and write it out and um

You know, it's a it's a helpless feeling So I'm excited about that night, but I'm also nervous, but I'm going to be coming back east to do some uh to do some press And then I come out here and I do a few more than I go to the premiere But uh, once again, it comes out december 18th Also, as I mentioned, thank you to everybody who went and bought felicia collins new blues album off of itunes What else did I want to have oh the great stocking stuffer for 2015

His tickets to the uh the fourth annual patrice o'neill comedy benefit, um, that's going to be going down tuesday january 26 did I say going down I think I did you know why because I was trying to focus On what I was saying here and not the fact that we just had to punt the fucking ball away again um Makes a great gift. It's obviously in remembrance of um one of the great friends I ever had in life and uh

I was talking to his mom the other day and it reminded me of uh It's a fucking patrice o'neill story. He called me up one time, right? This is back when we were both still living at home with our parents And I pick up the phone. He's like bill. He goes. What are you doing? I was like, I'm not doing anything. He goes, uh Let's go up to the uh the square one mall And I'm like, all right, where's that and he's like it's up near soggers up near the uh the cow loon And um I go, all right, why the fuck we I go, what do we have to go up there for it? He goes, well, you know

They think I need to get a mop I go, you need to get a mop. He goes, yeah And granted this fucking mall is like There's like three malls between where patrice lived and where I lived And he wants to go all the way out of his fucking way to go up to this goddamn mall And I like, well, what the fuck kind of mall What kind of mop do they have at the square one mall and he's like, uh, he goes one of them square one mall Mops motherfucker and he starts flipping out on me

So I go, all right, I just finally got it out of him. He wanted to go up there because it was right when they first Put cheese in the fucking crust of pizza and he wanted to try it out He started laughing when I finally got it out. He goes, I gotta try it. I gotta see what it's all about So we drove up in the middle of the fucking day sitting in traffic on route one to buy a fucking mop And so he could try stuff crust pizza I don't know why I told you that I'm just I'm trying to fill up the fucking hour here Have I done an hour? Is it mercifully over? So you guys saw my kryptonite right here, man? If I don't fucking If I don't have any questions, what do I do for that last half an hour?

I have no idea. You know what I realized is how few people email me and give a fuck everything on there was just bullshit about, uh It was either spam Or it was shit about, uh Efforts for family one or the other you got to do this you got to do that or uh, it's just a bunch of horseship But I I thought I could scroll through a couple pages. I could find some I guess because you guys sent him to the other email And I don't even know how to get to it Oh, is that what you think bill? All right, that's been the monday morning podcast. This is a completely fucked up one. I apologize Uh profusely for this awful free podcast. All right before you guys start blogging about it

And you tell me that you're offended um Anyways, hey if anybody sees that movie creed, let me know if it's good or not because I actually want to see that uh on two levels One, uh, I'm a big fan of syvester saloon and two I need to get back in shape. So I figured whoever's playing, you know, saloon's always in shape even at 70 Fucking 70. He's still in shape. Oh, how about the fucking Bruins by the way went in five in a row? Is that what happened? I think they did. All right. That's the podcast go fuck yourselves Pete Corrielli this thursday and thank you once again

To uh, joe rogan forget me on the joe rogan experience to help me promote the uh efforts for family I really appreciate it. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week Eric