Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-30-20

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

Bill rambles about losing his temper, lockdowns, and sleep sex.

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Trust your Instinct, follow your license. Information and information at bmw.be. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Barr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, November 30th, 2020. What's going on? How are you? How you doing?

I'm fucking snapping right and left. Not in anybody, necessarily. I am just, things are bothering me. Things are bothering me. Like I just went out, you know, because I'm going on the road here. So I went out, I got my old truck. So I started it up to make sure when I come back, it doesn't have a dead battery, right?

So, you know, I go and I take the tarp off the thing. You don't want to make sure I lay it out the way I need to lay it out. So it's not a big confusion thing when I try to go put it back on again. And I fucking go to put the thing back on again. I'm looking for the hole for the antenna. And I'm just like, you got to be fucking kidding me.

What did this thing do? A fucking back flip on me? How the fuck did I fuck this up? Flipping out, standing up in the back of the truck, hitting my head on a fucking tree branch. Looking for the fucking thing. And it turns out I had it the right way. I just I just didn't see where the hole was.

Just snapping, snapping Tourette's the whole fucking thing. And yeah, I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. Every time I think I got this anger thing beat like, I think I just think I have it beat. And then I just sort of chill and then just stuff starts building up. I need like an outlet to get it out of me better than like,

oh, I'll go play drums or I'll go work out. I need to be doing something else, which is actually addressing the problem rather than like, well, maybe I'll just do some fun stuff and then I won't be like fucking flipping out all the time. But anyway, whatever, I'll go on the road and I'll fucking I'll try meditating again, even though my fucking ears ring louder than they ever did because of this fucking

tentanous. How the fuck are you supposed to say it? Tenedis. Tenedis. How the fuck you say it? But so anyway, how'd you guys enjoy your football Sunday? Did your team win like mine? What about that?

Good to do good to do. Can anybody figure out the fucking NFC West? I certainly can't. You would have thought that the fucking Rams. I mean, the Rams would beat the, you know, the overly injured, I would say 49ers and then they turn around, they fucking blow it. You know, I had a good feeling about the Jets today.

Did they hang on and win? I know they were doing all right in the first quarter, I'm sure, not Buffalo, Miami came back and beat them. They got a great defense. What I did was basically I watched my New England Patriots beat a great Arizona Cardinal team. Kyler Murray was a little bit hurt and Jesus Christ. I'd never seen two teams commit more goddamn penalties

in my life. They kept throwing the flag on the Patriots and be like, Jesus fucking Christ, what did they bet the Cardinals? And every time they showed the clip, it'd be like, all right, that was a hold. All right, that was, you know, that was interference. The only, there was only two calls that I didn't like was the blindside block when we returned that punt.

I was at a kickoff. I can't remember for a touchdown. And that really cost us because we only got a field goal after that. I didn't understand the logic of it. The guy, he didn't hit him from behind. He didn't even hit him from the side. He hit him from the front.

And I think it's becoming like hockey. Was it because he left his feet? I mean, it's not like the guy didn't see him or whatever. I don't know. And they both fell down. So I don't know. There was that one. And then that bullshit one when the guy on the Arizona

hit Cam Newton, he was in bounce. There was nothing wrong with that hit other than that they just protect the quarterbacks. And that was a personal foul, gave us 15 yards and set us up. It was tie, set us up for the game-winning field goal. Here's my question for all you fucking athletes out there that are into sports who are into analytics. I should actually just say, sports guys

who are in football, coaches, I would love for you to chime in anonymously, any coach at any level, what you think about analytics. Because my whole time growing up, it was take the points, take the points. I'm watching the Cardinals in the first half. All right, they're like, what the fuck was the score at the half? Were they down by three?

I think they were down by three or something like that. I don't know what the fuck that I, you know what? I actually tweeted about it. It was such a fucking bizarre, bizarre play that they, what I would say, decision that they did. Let me look it up here. Let me go to my account. Oh, Billy Freckles account, what did I say?

All right, the Arizona Cardinals just went for it on fourth and goal, while up by three points, right before the half ended. Yeah, it was like first and goal, second, third, and goal. They didn't get it, kicked the field goal, go in up by six, God willing, right? So they go for it on fourth down. They don't get it.

And this is what drives me nuts. Nobody in the booth is questioning analytics, going like, am I out of my fucking minors? There are 30 minutes of football left, and you just for going for seven, you just left a gimme fucking field goal. You know, nothing's a gimme, but whatever. As far as closest it's going to be,

it's right on the fucking goal line. Just kick the fucking field goal. And then the end of the game, Cardinals lose by three points. Now, obviously, if they kick the field goal, they've called different plays, who knows what the fuck happens? But I've seen like, I don't know, when I was a kid, if you did some shit like that, you got fired.

They were all over you. I mean Christ, the guy's going for it, fourth and goal in the second quarter. Somebody get the guy on watch. Now it's like, I don't know, everybody grew up on video games, is that what it is? So you just go for it all the fucking time. Oh, by the way, by the way, there was a lady

who went out and kicked the fucking ball. Do you know how bad I was wishing that person took the ball back and she had to fucking tackle him? Now, what does he have to do? What does the woke kickoff punt returner do in that situation? It's like, I want to run this person over. They are on the other team, but it's a woman.

And I've been treated, you taught that you don't hit women. And, you know, but I also want to win the fucking game and I want to treat her equally because if there was a fucking little fella in that suit, I'd run right the fuck over him. Let's look this up here. Lady kicks, you know they're gonna say woman, kicks baby, Jesus Christ, kicks.

I used the wrong word there, lady kicks off in football game. All right, in football, here we go. Sarah Fuller became the first woman in a Power Five game on Saturday when she delivered the opening kickoff. Let's see, let's see the video. Is this it?

Vanderbilt kicker, first woman to play in Power Five. The kicker said she was calm, she went out. I was really excited, stepped on the field and do my thing, that's cool. So my question is, is if you're fucking, if that dude starts running it back, you know, not saying she couldn't fucking tackle me, but you know, I'm just a goddamn comedian here, right?

Well, she kind of squib kicked it. That's good, that would be hilarious. They're trying to do this pro woman thing and then she ends up getting run over and gets knocked out. I mean, did he have to stiff arm her that hard? Then they'd go into that poor kid's Twitter history and try to find something where he trashes women anyway. He's been aggressive online since 2008 and a half.

Then all of a sudden he's in fucking trouble. Anyways, how about your Buffalo Bills? They just keep rolling a lot. They just keep rolling along these guys. The charges, I don't know, they're young, they're very talented, they don't know how to win yet and the Bills handle them pretty goddamn easily. I heard they played a little sloppy today.

27-17, looks like they're gonna run away with the division. Oh, Jesus, I had the Jets today. I'm such a fucking idiot. They went up three nothing, I just had this feeling. I'm like, it's a division rivalry in the back of my head that's going, oh, it's got a great defense. No, fuck it, fuck it. Sam Darnell is, he's due, man, he's fucking due.

He's gonna go out there, he's gonna make some shit. Didn't happen, didn't happen. Panthers fucking blew it. They were up against the Vikings. Walking all over them and all of a sudden they came back and then that was that for that, right? Brown's hang on for the Jaguars. I actually, when I came, I did catch the end of them.

I kept the end of the Chiefs first, the Buccaneers. And I love how much fucking weight they keep putting all his Patrick blows. He wants to beat two and two rather than one and three against him. He's getting sprayed on the fucking Buccaneers, you young cunt. Relax, relax.

And he ends up throwing for a first down to ice the game and they go, oh, looks like the student became the teacher. It's like, oh, I didn't realize Tom didn't know how to do that anymore. It's like, he's on the bench right now. Defense is out there. He's not covering the fucking wide receiver. It's like, this whole fucking season has just been about,

I mean, I'm overly sensitive as a Pats fan. So you can take all of this with a giant grain of salt. You can shove it up your ass. But I swear to God, it's all been about wanting to say Tom Brady's over, wanting to say Bill Belichick wasn't the reason. They just keep trying to fucking shit on these guys. But I'm just, I just have to understand

that they're just doing that because they fucking, they trounced people for 20 fucking years. That's gonna happen. Anyway, so who's going on tonight? Tomorrow's Seahawks, one of my favorite teams to watch versus the Eagles. And out tonight, the Bears and the Packers, the classic matchup, blah, blah, blah.

That game's gonna be boring as shit. Fucking Bears, I swear to God. They just bore this shit out of me. I don't know what it is. It's fucking, Jesus Christ. I'm not excited. Seahawks Eagles is gonna be fun. Eagles will fuck up.

Seahawks will make some amazing plays and then Eagle fans will get mad. So I mean, there's your entertainment right there. I would think. I will be rooting for the Eagles. Ah, I don't know. I don't know. I like Seattle somehow.

All of a sudden I become a fucking Seahawk fan. So anyway, you know what's hilarious? The fucking Washington Redskins are in first place. I'm sorry, oh, Jesus Christ. The team from Washington. Now am I in trouble? Cause I said the name that they were called for fucking my whole life up until a month ago.

Two months ago, three months ago. I don't know. It'll be great if they actually fucking won. If they win the Super Bowl. The team from Washington wins the Super Bowl. Well, I was gonna say then to be like, well, because you finally addressed the fact that your name was fucked up,

that the football gods forgave you. But it's like, wait, they won three Super Bowls beforehand. Look at that fucking cheeseburger. Sorry, I got a, I got the TV on in the background. It never looks like that. I know people have joked about that a million times, but Jesus Christ, that was a pristine looking burger.

Did you guys watch the fight this weekend? Did you watch Roy Jones versus Mike Tyson? I was very happy with that and very satisfied with, you know, dropping the money on that. I thought it was great that I looked like Mike in the end was going easy on Roy Jones. Like he was sort of throwing combinations to his chest where, you know, he could have gone upstairs

and he didn't, I don't want to see a 51 year old guy get his fucking brain knocked around again. I thought, you know, Mike came in in great shape and for an exhibition, which is what it was billed as, I was more than satisfied. I felt really bad for Nate Robinson the way every fucking loser out there is now jumping on him like they would have knocked that kid out

or that they even have the balls to get into a ring. Good on him for having the balls, you know, go in there. He went down swinging and all that shit. Whatever, he's a fucking basketball player, you know? Is he supposed to be great at everything? And that could literally happen to anybody. And just the fact that how immediately there were all of these memes,

human beings are just fucking assholes. They really are. That so many of them are just waiting for someone to try something and not do well so they could be like, fuck you, you know? Unreal, unreal. Nothing but respect for Nate. And then I got to give a shout out to the kid

who fucking knocked him out. I guess he's that YouTube kid who was out there, you know? I guess he was when they were fucking rioting in stores and shit, you know, with the white kids. I don't know, I didn't pay attention to that shit. I believe he was one of the people there. But I gotta tell you something, man. For a fucking, you know, YouTube star,

he was very impressive. I was very impressed. I mean, granted, he was fighting a fucking basketball player, but I mean, you know, that guy would kick the shit out of me. They both would. So I got no problem with either one of them. And I think people would be too hard on Nate Robinson. He really is.

They really are. But anyway, let's talk about some happier shit than that. So my latest Jones, this is why I don't go out and buy cars, is because every month I fall in love with another one. You know, it's like, why would you get married? If every five seconds you just wanna bang something else, you gotta wait till you're done with that, then you can get fucking married, right?

Is that how it works? I don't know. But so I was, I still love the 67 Cadillac El Dorado, but right now I am Jones and for a fucking 80 to 86, that generation full-size Ford Bronco, blue and white. I just fucking, I love that. And I was looking, I was, what the fuck? I found this YouTube video, this guy had one,

they said it was mint, you know, ice cold air conditioning doesn't leak or any of that bullshit. Ah, fuck, I love that truck. I wanted that thing so goddamn bad. And when they changed the front end in 87 to those fucking aerodynamic headlights, I don't think I ever got over that. They fixed it in the early 90s,

but that first generation of aerodynamic trucks, like I just thought the Fords were ugly as shit. And the first Chevy ones, I was like, what in the fuck? Is that with the tiny headlights? Tiny headlights, now they make sense. Now I look, I actually think it looks cool. A buddy of mine went to high school, who's no longer here with us.

His dad had the one, the step side version of it with the big tires and everything. And it was a fucking badass looking truck. It just took me a minute, but those Fords, I never got used to those. But then the OJ version, I like that one. That next generation of them. So I've been looking at those toying with the idea.

Like what if I get rid of my car? Because I'm not gonna be that guy that just has like, you know, three or four cars. I can't be that guy, you know what I mean? I have too many other fucking, like I have like a big thing with the garage. I judge people harshly by their garage. I am a big believer that your garage

should only have garage shit in it. You should have, and you should be able to eat off the floor. It should be just as clean as the fucking house. And this fucking bullshit that everything that you don't, that you shouldn't have bought, but you did buy and you can't find somebody to buy it or bring yourself to throw it out, ends up in the fucking garage is,

that's not a life I wanna live, you know? I don't know how to explain it. It's just like, I always feel like if you work for a moving company, all right, and you're assessing the job, I always feel like they do the walkthrough of the house and the two places they take a deep breath as if there's a basement or the garage.

Right before they fucking open the garage door, it's just like, okay, here we go. We're gonna need an extra fucking truck and three more guys, please, no hoarders, no hoarders, no hoarders. So that's like another reason, I don't have the fucking room. I told you guys, half of my garage,

I turned into like a drum room, which by the fucking way, I can now jam to good times, bad times, and I can do the three in a row with that lick and I can, I one time did, you know, the longer version of that same lift, the 16th no triplet lick, I can get through most of it,

then it falls apart a little bit, but like it's such a weird thing, we're up to a certain tempo, you're sort of playing it more as opposed to sliding, and I kind of was hitting a wall at like 80 or 85 BPMs until I finally just said, fuck it, and I started playing along to the song. And then just, I just, my drum teacher said,

what, instead of playing to play all three, just try to get one, and then one became two, and then what I did was I just started playing to the song and rather than doing that classic brup brup brup sort of thing, I would play the first one, skip the middle one, and then play two in a row around the back beat on beat number four,

and just doing that for like a week, all of a sudden, I could get like three in a row. Sorry, I got like intergestion, that's why I was speaking like this with pauses. Sorry. So, yeah, all of a sudden, I just sort of added that to my arson, because what killed me was when I would watch people do it,

you know, there's a zillion people that can do it, play that song. There's only one guy that could come up with that whole fucking drum beat though, but everybody else has sort of broken it down. When I watched these kids playing at kids, you know, they would just sliding up the foot pedal, and I was just like,

I just have to get that muscle memory down, and it's actually easier than it sounds. It sounds like it just blew my mind. It's just, I just think it was just something I just never had the time for, because I do all these other jobs. So now I'm like right there, and of course now I'm gonna go on a fucking eight,

nine day tour. Boohoo, I have to tell jokes for a fucking living in the great state of Texas. That also gets a ton of shit. So, anyway, speaking of that, the Texas tour, Texas tour, look out, I'm coming for you. Gonna go to Dallas first, Big D, everything's bigger. The Botox, the fucking fake titties,

and the cow shit under my boot. That is all going down. What the fuck, Richmond Upsets, number 10, Kentucky. First win versus an AP top 10 team. What? College hoops has begun. He's a prime time player, baby. Let's go to my website.

I never do this shit. Bill Burr. What if you get put on like a watch list if you go to your own, if you Google yourself as somebody they could potentially turn into a Manchurian candidate. The man Googles himself. This is the exact kind of self-involved person

who won't care what we put in the water supply. All right, I am gonna be November 30th. I'm at the AT&T performing, ah, Santa, Annette Strauss Square. Is in Dallas, Texas. I got two shows on the 30th, two shows on the first, and two shows on the second. I love spending a couple, two, three days in a city.

Big D, big D, right here, big D. This is where they killed John Kennedy, right? You go down, you check it all out. Go over here, get yourself some barbecue. This is right where, who's the guy they said shot Kennedy? What the fuck's his name? I thought F. Lee Bailey, that's a lawyer. Now, look, right where you're sitting,

eating that pulled pork sandwich. Lee Harvey Oswald allegedly changed his socks before he went up to the book depositor, which we will be seeing at the end of this tour. So, you know, make sure you eat up your pulled pork sandwiches, try not to get any of the rub on your shirt. Make sure you don't have sticky fingers because this is a historical sack that we are bringing you to.

I'm up for doing that, you know, socially distancing. Dealey Plaza. I'm gonna take a tour of Love Field if I can. Heard you can take a tour of that airport. I kind of, I love old airports, small airports and all of that shit. I'm gonna have a great time. And then after that, oh fuck,

I thought I ended in Austin. Turns out I go there next. I go to Austin, Texas. I go from Big D. I can't believe they took the election away from Donald Trump. I am so sad the other day. I had to shoot a pig just to get it, just to make me stop thinking about it.

Then I'm gonna go down to Austin, Texas, where they're gonna be like, oh my God, fucking Joe Biden. Oh my God, we got a warmonger. We did it, you guys. I'm gonna listen to those fucking stupid ass white kids with their tie-dyes and their fucking dreadlocks. All those dirty white kids. I gotta listen to that shit.

And then I end up in Houston, Houston, Texas, where I gotta leave a pair of tickets for Joel Olstein, one of the biggest acts in show business. Mad respect for that guy. Joel Olstein, he bought, anybody can go to, not anybody, but you know, you work hard enough. You get lucky, you get a catchphrase, you know? You don't take your dick out at work.

Maybe someday eventually you can perform in an arena. Or, or, or you can get as big as Joel Olstein. And you can buy the arena that the Houston Rockets used to play in. And you can go up and you can just, you never have to go on the road. The crowd comes to you and Sunday after Sunday after Sunday, this guy is selling like 13,000.

You ever see like, oh, Billy Joel, Billy fucking Joel does like a week or a weekend or something like that every month at Madison Square Garden. And he sells it out every fucking time. I mean, that is incredible. That is incredible, okay? Joel Olstein, right? He does all four Sundays, every month.

52 fucking Sundays a year, right? Plus Christmas and Easter. It's a couple of other days in there. Loincloth day, whatever the fuck, some Jesus shit, right? Flag day, what is it, a Passover that's Jewish? Is there an extra one in there? There's the Ash Wednesday.

There's Easter, the Good Friday match, right? I don't remember. Crazy level respect for that guy. It'd be great. He'd come out to the show, he could pray for me. So I'm doing two nights in Houston. Oh, that's great, two nights in Houston. No, yes, two nights in Houston,

December 6th and 7th, and then I got two nights in Austin, Texas, and I got three nights in Dallas. Wait, no, I got one, two, three, oh, four nights. Four nights in Dallas, look at Dallas hooking me up. Fuckin' love going to Dallas. I used to go to the improv down there, and Vinny Paul used to come out.

Late great Vinny Paul would come down to the shows at the improv, and then I remember the next time I came to Dallas, he had moved to Vegas, and he was supposed to come out to my show the next time I played out there, and then he passed away, and then it's sad. Way, bae, bae, nae, nae, nae, wae, bae, bae. But I did get to talk to him,

and get to know him a little bit, and I talked to him about the drummers that he liked, and I loved that he loved Alex Van Halen. I thought that he was underrated. That really made my day. Oh, speaking of that, Eddie Van Halen's son Wolfgang has a new song out, and it's a fuckin' solid song. I really liked it, and then in the end,

he plays like the sweetest voicemail message from his dad, Eddie, ever, which was the exact kind of dad that I wanna be, and the exact kind of relationship I wanna have with my kids someday when they're all grown up. And people were asking, hey, when he left that message, this goes to show you what kind of a dad Eddie Van Halen was. People were going, was it your birthday?

Did you graduate high school? Saved somebody from drowning, and he was like, no, that was just a regular voicemail. That's just the kind of dad he was. So, I don't know, evidently, playing guitar wasn't the only thing that Eddie Van Halen just seemed to understand. I mean, that's really amazing,

so you should check it out. Of course, let me get the name of it now that I've hyped it up here. Hang on, hang on, let me set this down here. Wolfgang Van Halen Distance, I believe is the song. All right? Yeah, Wolfgang Van Halen, Mammoth Distance. I believe Mammoth was, wasn't that at one point,

one of the first names for the Van Halen? I believe, and then David Lee was the guy going, you guys should call it Van Halen. Am I crazy? Am I babbling? I probably am. All right, let's thank you to everybody in the great state of Texas that is,

gone out and bought tickets. I cannot fucking wait to do these shows. I've been having some of the best shows of my career out here in LA. Something happened when I did those Chappelle show gigs, Chappelle show, the Dave Chappelle summer camp gigs, where I went out there, and I don't know, there was no cameras.

It just felt like the way standup was before all of these crazy women tried to destroy it. I'm not saying women are crazy, but they were crazy people who happened to be women and really weren't that funny, started telling comics what they should fucking do. And this went back to, it reminded me of doing standup before the internet, where it was just like,

whatever happened, happened in that room, and that was it. And it was a special thing, and the show was over, and then that was fucking it. There was no, and I hadn't realized how much over the last five years that as I was doing my act, I was like sort of metaphorically looking over my shoulder and hating that I was doing it,

but I couldn't get that thought out of my head, like is this gonna offend? Is somebody gonna, huh? You know, I don't know. And then the worst thing ever, watching other comedians attack other fucking comedians, it's just, I don't know, it just became the red scare, where fucking actors were ratting out other actors

to fucking, it was just fucking horrible. So hopefully that's over, but anyway, so thanks to Dave Chappelle for those three days of gigs. It fucking cleared my mind, and I've been doing standup that way ever since, and I've been having more goddamn fun saying crazy shit, and just having a good time. So what better place to go out

and go try some new shit than Texas? I mean, Texas, even if you bomb the state so big, it takes three days for the whole state to know what happened by then, you're left. What about the internet? Ah, that's some liberal shit. You get me a fucking, I'm gonna message your crows. All right, me undies.

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All righty. Let's get into the questions for the week. All right, what do we got here? What are we looking at? How much time have I done here? What do I got left? 39 minutes. Jesus Christ, time is flying when you're screaming the F word.

Weight loss. Hey Bill, boognish. Whatever the fuck that means. I just wanna say that I started working on my weight after seeing your bit on the walk your way out special about fat fucks. Not only was it super funny,

but it also became motivational. I started at 400 pounds. Jesus Christ, you were a big dude. And I've managed to lose over 150 pounds. That's fucking amazing. I started at a 56 waistline and I got it down to a 38 and I am certain to be a 36 by my birthday

and a 34 by spring. I hope you see this. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Dude, that's fucking awesome. Cause you know what? I put on a few. I put on a few, I had a few stressful things I got on the other side of it.

And then I started eating like an ass. You know what it was as I made pumpkin bread for Halloween. All right. Cause I like the holidays. I like getting together with people and just being thankful. And I ate most of it. You know, I usually make a couple of loafs and then I hand them out to people

but with this whole fucking pandemic shit, you know, I just don't see as many people. So instead of having one loaf, we had two. My family was sick of it after the first loaf and I sort of plowed through the second one and I just haven't recovered. You know, I just started eating sweets and shit. I've just been fucking up.

So I'm going to try when I'm in Texas. I'm going to bring gloves and a fucking mask and I'll see if they have a hotel gym cause I need an elliptical like you read about. Now I would go on a hike in Dallas, but as far as I know, other than that grassy knoll that they have downtown, it's all pretty much flat land. So can you guys let me know where's a good place

to go for a hike where I can be outside, you know, amongst the locals, not wearing masks cause the virus is afraid of Texas. Tell me where I can go. Dude, that's fucking awesome. Or or ma'am, whoever did it, God bless you, dude. Or ma'am, person, they, whatever I'm supposed to say. That's fucking great.

All right, name, names, please. Dear Billy for the people, thank you for all your great work. I'll cut right to it. You've consistently been saying, listen to the scientist. The problem is, is you don't ever cite any scientist by name. Oh, the CDC, I say it all the time. The Center for Disease Control. Also, you blame the few people who don't wear masks

for locking down the whole economy. Yes, you did. It's not few people. It's literally half the fucking population. And it's going on out here. I like how he goes, yes, you did. Like I said, no, I didn't. Yeah, I am blaming them.

I'm 100% blaming them. Cause now they're all gonna fucking turn around and blame the government like, you were supposed to solve this while I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. Where? There was never going to be less than 1% infected. How do you know that?

Now, where are you getting your stats from? How are you still just going along saying, listen to the scientist when there's tons of doctors who are saying this isn't going away? Yeah, it gets to the why. First of all, they're gonna have like some sort of shot that they can give you by January. But this is what I love, is you're not a doctor

and I'm not a doctor. And I'm literally listening to the Center for Disease Control. This is what they do. There's tons of doctors. There's a lot of doctors that, you know, who are like fucking dentists and proctologists and they'll have a fucking opinion

on how to control a virus, but this is not their field. Okay? If somebody just paints cars, you don't want to rebuild your engine. That's not what this person does. So I would then, you gotta really, this is actually a great email because you have to be able to sift through all of this.

Well, what kind of doctor is this person? Okay, all I can go by is what the people that have been put in place and been trained to fight something like this are saying. I'm not gonna listen to a podcast listener who goes on the internet and finds, air quote, doctors. You know, else hired a scientist, Jim Ursay, to invest in New England Patriots.

Turns out he wasn't even a scientist. So you really gotta be careful. Anyways, tons of exclamation all in capital. Doctors are saying that early detection facilities should not be something people are scared of. Celebrity brats. Oh, I love how they always blame celebrities for shit. As opposed to what?

All the mature, non-famous people on the internet. How nice you guys all are. I get the fuck out of here. I am so sick of the building up of Joe's six pack. Oh, you mean that fucking racist cunt? Yeah, he puts his pants on one leg at a time. Yeah, on the way to his fucking clan meeting. Get the fuck out of here.

All right, celebrity brats and hypocritical politicians saying, don't gather with your family for Thanksgiving. They can fuck off. This is just, this is one of the most epically selfish fucking times. Listening to these elitists with absolutely no concern for real people is a sickness. If you're just gonna gather and not listen to these people,

don't you just have no concern for real people? And who are you to say who's real? Cause somebody has a TV show means they're not real. Cause somebody has a little bit of money. They're not real anymore. And yes, they are elite. You don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. You fucking dope.

You fucking national inquire reading. Fucking mouth breathing dope. Go get mad at the guy on my two dads, you dumb fuck. Jesus Christ, you're like somebody who like fucking, this probably thinks there's a difference between a Republican and a fucking Democrat, right? The fucking dumb cunts. All right, let's do the usual thing.

Let's just make fun of the obvious. When you watch football, let me guess, you just blame the quarterback, right? You fucking ball washer. Watcher, sorry. And yes, they are elite. They have money, a voice, and unconditional support from droning mouth breathers.

Oh God, dude, are you fucking, you don't even know what you're talking about. Let me go to my Twitter feed right now and just read you all the hate that I get. You should see, they posted something on my, all things comedy, posted something. Hey, you know, here's Bill at the troubadour. And somebody just like took the time

to write three paragraphs about how unfunny I am, how ever since I got married, I'm not funny and I have kids, I'm not funny anymore. I don't have time to watch games. Trashed me, trashed me. Most of my conversations I have with people in this business is right after they put something out, everybody says the same thing, do not go online.

Don't go online, you did a good job, don't read what those people have to say. It is fucking brutal. But of course, you know, it's just, you know, we're all hanging out, courtside at a Lakers game, right? Drinking baby blood, is that what we're doing? And anyways, people pile on, who would have thought I'd ever stick up for Hollywood?

People pile on and agree with them because they feel part of a group. Oh, dude, you know what? I have to respect your broad brush. I paint with one all the time and I knew we're doing a great job with this canvas. Stop blindly saying, listen to scientist. Fuck you, listen to scientist,

without pointing at the CDC. In a direction besides the fucking CDC. What's wrong with the Center for Disease Control? Which is just an extension of the financial slash political system making the decision. Okay, so what am I supposed to do? Go into the corporate world with that fucking shit that they put out,

what the fuck, that killed Prince and everybody else? Those people? Hey, here's a cure for a headache. If you have suicidal thoughts, diarrhea, and you accidentally stab your cat, contact your local physician. Is that the scientist I'm supposed to listen to? Anyways, just like the presidents

with no military experience making war decisions, the CDC has lawyers making decisions for them. For the love of God, please restore a healthy amount of questioning the official narrative to your process here. Yeah, you know what I should do? I should listen to people who drive around in trucks saying fuck your feelings, I'm not wearing a mask. That's who I'm supposed to listen to?

Obviously this is a new disease. This is the thing, if everybody just fucking wore their goddamn mask and did what the CDC told you to fucking do, we all could have rode this fucking thing out, would not have had second, third, and fourth fucking waves, and now we just gotta wait for these guys to come up with some sort of cure or some, or I don't know what, but to just,

to turn a blind eye to people who just openly just disregarded all of that shit, right up to that dumb orange-headed fucking moron who caused an outbreak in the fucking White House from not listening to the CDC. I mean, I just don't know how, I mean, listen, I'm not excited about Joe Biden. I'm really not, but at least the fucking idiot's

wearing a mask over his facelift. Who gets a facelift at 80? It worked, it worked. He got 71 million point two votes. Masks work, lockdowns don't. All right, this is the broad brush crew here. Hey, Bill, 21 year old London Stoner. Stoner air geyser, call me a geyser, right?

Saw you in London at the Royal Albert Hall. It was fucking hilarious, mate. When you called Bill Clinton the first male, first lady, I almost shat myself, blah, blah, blah, blah, okay. I agree with you completely about wearing masks. I wear one, I also encourage people to do two. Well, that's good.

However, I do not think that people not wearing them is the reason for our government, is the reason our governments have decided to lockdown for a second time. I'm not sure what's going on in the whole of America, but here we've gone back into national lockdown. Now that we know the average age of death of Corona is above the average age of death,

okay, now where did you get that stat? I'm just supposed to believe that? Because some 21 year old kid told me this shit, this is what gets crazy. It really doesn't make sense to destroy our economies for a second time. All right, let me ask you this, like if people just did what they said to do,

I don't think that they have to lock it down again, although I do love a conspiracy theory. So if you're telling me that the Ponzi schemes, that all the strongest currencies, I mean, I don't know anything about those. I just know ours, we've been off, we just print money over here. I don't know what the fuck is going on.

You hand it to somebody and then they give you some goods and you go, all right, I guess it still works, right? That's what's going on over here. Now in my heart of hearts, they might use this as a way to, I don't know, I don't know, do what, I have no fucking idea. I don't know how to reset a fucking economy. I don't know how you would do that.

But I do know this, is like people have been astoundingly fucking selfish during all of this shit. And including people I know, like, oh God, I hate these fucking masks. I mean, I just can't believe like what fucking Pussies people are. You just can't put on a fucking mask?

Like that's your biggest hardship, you know? And then you get fucking pissed when they're gonna lock it down again because there's another fucking breakout. And all you see is that the government's a bunch of fucking idiots and greedy sons of bitches and all that. I would never argue that,

but you also have to come around. Do you remember earlier? I'm gonna pat myself on the back here. All right, why not? I said there was two bad calls in that Patriots game. And one went against us and the other one helped us out. And I really think if you're gonna be

fucking open-minded about this shit, you can't just hold the government responsible for these fucking lockdowns. I mean, people just going around, going, hey, I'm young, it really doesn't affect young people. I don't give a fuck, I'm going to a party. I'm gonna fucking go hang out with 20 other people on jet skis in the middle of a fucking lake.

I mean, Joe Biden won, so we're all gonna go run around and have our big liberal party and fucking, you know, not wear masks. They are just as much to blame. How about we do that? How about we just say that? Does that work? I don't know.

Jesus Christ, did you guys see that fucking F1 crash? Holy fucking shit, how did that guy survive? I mean, his car literally looked like it was sitting on a fucking smoker for 12 hours. Anyways, people don't get mad at me. I'm just, I don't have any fucking answers. Okay, this podcast was never about getting proper information.

Okay, and like, I've always been the person sort of going like, I think this is bullshit. I think that is bullshit. Until it came time for this thing. This was just a thing that just took over everywhere. And I don't know, to say that this is some big conspiracy to reset the money, then if that is the case, then all countries would be on board.

Is that how it would work? I mean, go ahead, tell me, I'm up for it. Anyways, let's just continue here. Anyways, now that local businesses are closing everywhere and all I keep seeing is more McDonald's and KFC advertisement. Costa and fucking Starbucks. I reckon these cunts are gonna have gone

and paid for another lockdown to kill all the monposs shops off. Well, I think you're giving Starbucks and McDonald's a little bit too much credit for the amount of power that they have. I mean, I'm open to a conspiracy theory as to why they would lock it down again. But like, listen, if you're wearing a fucking mask

and you're doing what they're saying and you're still getting fucked, I'll listen to you complain. But if you're driving around, like I don't give a fuck and I'm living for myself, then I really don't give a shit what your opinion is, personally, all right? All right, P.S., who's your favorite British comedian?

Oh, fuck. You know, I don't know that scene well enough to be honest with you. Cause I always seem to go over there and I just do my show and then I leave. I've never been able, I've never even been in the comedy store. Like, I don't even know who,

I don't even know who's who over there to be honest with you. But I know there's a bunch of funny people. There was one guy that I saw, of course, I can't remember his fucking name now. I had this really long, crazy, dark bit that I just thought was absolutely brilliant. There's amazing people in Scotland and England, Ireland, the whole area over there.

I mean, I know like the, I know the Kings over there, you know, the Tommy Turnins and that type of shit. Obviously, I love all of those guys. Billy Conley. But as far as like the newer, the kids, I have no idea. I'm out of the fucking loop.

I'm trying to keep up over here. So why don't you send me some people and I'll check them out. Anyways, thanks for the comedy, the podcast and the inspiration. God bless Boston for giving us the two best bald podcasters on the planet. All right, sleep, sex and other activities.

All right, hey Billy, boi. Long time listener and first time writer. I recently heard you talk about three year old episode. I recently heard about your three year old episode regarding sleep sex and I wanted to write you. I don't even remember that. Three years ago, I talked about sleeps. What is sleep sex?

Couple years ago, I found out I too have that issue. Sleep sex? You have sex while you're sleeping? When the fuck did I ever say I had that? Well, I gotta look this up. I gotta see what the fuck this is first. Sleep sex. You guys are fucking killing me.

The shit that I search on my sleep sex. One sleep disorder you might not be familiar with is sleep sex or sexomnia. Sexomnia like sleepwalking is a type of parasomnia. What in the fucking love of God is this? So you're asleep and you're fucking something? Parasomnia is the result of your brain being caught between sleep stages.

This in-between phase may make you act like you're awake when you're still asleep. Oh, Jesus Christ. People with sexomnia experience sleep-related sexual behavior. These behaviors reign from masturbation to sexual intercourse, treatment for underlying sleep disorder or behavioral issues

may treat sleep sex to what in the fuck? Symptoms. You're waking up with jizz on the front of your pajamas and you don't know how it got there. Sexomnia is a different, I don't wanna read about this. Okay, whatever. I mean, obviously I must have been,

I was talking about this. I never suffered from this. How do you know, Bill, you were asleep? Good point, good point. Look at Joe Biden. Joe Biden with a mask on and his CIA fucking aviators. Get ready to fucking go after I ran. A couple of years ago, I found out I too have that issue

and I found out because I had started dating my girlfriend and she would often mention how great last night was and I'll have no recollection of what she's talking about. Oh my God, dude, you got like a Billy Valentine. This is like the nutty professor. At first I was hesitant to talk about it, but as I became, it became more frequent, I started asking more details.

She had mentioned I lasted far longer than usual and the sex was rougher than average too, but she claims to have enjoyed it. Dude, you got a demon in you, man. I think you might need a priest. The power of price compels you, suck it, bitch. So one day I decided to admit to her that I had no recollection of any of these encounters

and such activities. She has mentioned and didn't know what to tell her about it. At first she did not take me seriously and simply refused, but then she came back with some medical related research and we sat down to talk about it as it is a legit thing people go through slash suffer from. Holy shit. And dude, post me too and all of this stuff, what in the fuck?

What if your girlfriend does that and you think she's awake and you banged her? Oh my God. Then what happens? Then what is that? All right guys, you gotta bring a cold bucket of water. In with you into the bedroom. And at the middle of the night,

your girlfriend reaches over and grab your dick. You gotta dump it over her head. And she'll get mad and everything, but afterwards if she still wants to fuck, you know that she's awake and that's really her. All right, there you go, see? You know what that is? You know what that is?

Huh? That is. Come on, play it. Why won't anything work on this fucking computer? Ah, there we go. If I'm somebody, you fucking cunt. That's, it was supposed to do this. Come here.

Come on. Why won't you work? It's time. Hey! Hey! That's me and you should bring a cold bucket of water. I'd dump it over her head before you fuck her. All right.

Here we go. Needless to say, I was very, wait. I reached out to my parents. Oh my God, you talked to them about that? I inquired them if I had any sleepwalking issues and they reluctantly said yes. Oh boy. Oh boy.

They sounded worried and asked if something had happened. Oh my God. Did you walk around with your dick in your hand while you were still living with your parents and they never said anything? Oh, Jesus. Now that's a tough fucking, I bet they had arguments. That comes from your side of the family.

How dare you put that on me? I did not tell them because our religion does not allow premarital sex. Good old religion. You know, anytime you want to stop the lines of communication, just bring in a hardcore religious person. Anyway, I did not tell them

because our religion does not allow premarital sex or even sharing the same roof with another gender to live under. I just expressed that I was curious. They told me of times when I wanted to go grocery shopping in the middle of my sleep and a few other times when I would got up early, got ready for school at 3 a.m. and just sat outside the house

waiting for the bus to show up. Dude, that is fucking frightening. It's not as scary as this fucking dude from England. Good Lord, how about a little fucking hair gel? He looks like he just walked in from the outside, took off a knitted hat and decided he was going to address the whole fucking nation. Anyway, they told me,

they also mentioned situations as bizarre as me trying to fly a kite in the middle of the night. The list goes on. Some of the sleep stuff has been productive. Needless to say, I was very worried and decided I would sleep in a separate bedroom than my girlfriend and also installed cameras to see if I can catch myself doing things.

Sure as hell, one day I woke up to find motion alert through the night and long behold. Isn't it low and behold? I had caught myself trying to cook in the kitchen and proceeding to eat. There have been other harmless activities too, such as me unlocking and locking the doors. Holy shit, but the ones that bother me the most

if getting to my girlfriend's bedroom and of course proceeding to have sex with her. I have however moved away. Now wait a minute, is your girlfriend helping you out with this? Because if you're dickin' her down as the sleep guy, you know, I think she put her in a tough spot here. I have however moved away to a different city

for work this year and have managed to avoid this behavior. I don't think this sleep sex bothers my girlfriend. Doesn't sound like it. It's not like you're getting the job done. But other things will likely drive us apart, but that's a topic for another day. Anyway, hope you and your family stay safe and uninfected, thank you for your time.

Yeah, dude, I gotta ask you, you know, what are the, if there's a follow up to this, like what can people do if they suffer from this? I mean, that's terrifying. I can't imagine if you like, if you like sleepwalk, like legit sleepwalk, to the point you're unlocking and unlocking shit. If you got an apartment like a couple floors up,

I mean, it could be a problem, right? Walk right off the balcony or the mock balcony. I love when they have like the little fucking thing, like it looks like a balcony, but it isn't. You can't even stand sideways on the fucking thing. It's like, what is that for? All right, dumb questions for employees. Lifeguard, dear Mr. Burr,

I've been working and interacting with the public as a lifeguard on the beach for the last five years. The first four as my full-time gig. Since you're on the big red chair and staring at the ocean, people look at you as the guy with all the answers. The beach I work at is a popular tourist destination and I have heard some pretty dumb questions

from these fat pale Hawaiian shirt wearing socks and flip-flops, sneakers on the sand, mainlanders. But God bless these assholes because they can't swim for shit and provide me with a great job security. Here are my top five. All right, so you got new listeners here. These are top five.

You work with the public. Dumb questions that people ask you. Number one, where is the bridge going to go? Beach Patron asked this while pointing at the pier, which was being repaired after some storm damage. Mind you, a pier leasing into the Atlantic Ocean. Oh boy, leasing, is that the word? Number two, lady walked over

from her and her husband's umbrella to ask me who trains the dolphins. I told her that the lifeguards get to work early for their training sessions. She turned to her husband and yelled, honey, the lifeguards train the dolphins. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ah, Jesus, they've been to,

they must had a season pass at SeaWorld, never been to the beach. Number three, this one needs no explanation. To do this job, do you have to be good at swimming? Jesus Christ. Number four, top five dumb things to ask a lifeguard. We're from Kansas and can't swim good. Should we get in?

Jesus Christ, not past your cankles, lady. This guy's got some jokes here. I like this guy. This final question is the one I get most frequently. Are there any sharks out there? Answer only big ones. The looks I get are so priceless. Sometimes I actually start laughing.

I'm never off duty and I must remind the listeners, if you're stuck in a rip current, swim parallel to the shore before swimming in and always swim near a lifeguard. Thanks for making my ride to work and solo sits on the tower fly by. How do I register to the contrarian party for next election?

Come to Florida when the virus is out of the air and you won't get a tan line from your mask. Thanks and go fuck yourself, you pasty bastard. You know, the rip tide, rip current, whatever they call it, that fascinates me. Like how fucking frightening that is is you're getting pulled out into the ocean. You're just supposed to be like, oh, okay.

The ocean seems to want me more than the land does right now and I'm just gonna relax, do a little side stroke. The ocean scares the fucking shit out of me. I don't go in it, I have no plans to go in it. I'm just, you know, I've always maintained if there was one lobster without the rubber bands around its claws in somebody's pool, you'd be like, get that thing the fuck out of there

or I'm not going in there. People go to the beach, everything's in there. All right, it's fucking crazy. I don't understand why people do that shit, but you know, God bless you, God bless you. Good luck with that. Butcher edition. Greetings from Oklahoma, you freckled face, fuck up.

I'm a meat cutter in a small town grocery store. That sounds great. I think she sounds like a really good job. I'm reminded daily of the failures of our school system. So without further ado, here's the list. I'm a meat cutter in a small town grocery store. Jesus Christ, dude. Like that is, you know, another life, another life.

That's the fucking job I would do. You live in the middle of nowhere and there's not a lot of traffic. You know, you can ride to work with your arm hanging out the fucking window. You know how to hunt and fish, right? I don't know. That's very appealing to me.

All right, number one. All right, top five dumb shit questions people have asked this poor bastard. See, he cuts their meat in a small town in Oklahoma. Number one, is this a chicken? Some jackass and sunglasses who must have been at least 40 years old didn't know what the whole bird looked like

and it needed me to confirm the labeled item. I thought they taught this shit on the farm wheel. Oh, wow. Number two, is this price right? A common question you would think. I once had a lady complain about the price of ground beef at $1.89, a pound. Pretty reasonable price around here.

She then proceeded her grandson had been hit by a car and died yesterday and needed a lower price. How the fuck do you respond to that? Well, I know I would have said, well, why don't you go scrape them off the road? That fucking hamburger meat's free. Sorry.

All right, number three. This will, sorry. Number three, will this feed my family? Well, seeing from the sweat stains on your fat rolls, I'm gonna say no. Every time I recommend they pick up more, they say, oh, we don't eat that much. The poor fat bastard.

Number four, is there a manager I can talk to? This one depends on if I've shaved recently. I can explain something very simple. Example, why we're out of stock, how to prepare something. In the grocery game, a beard demands respect. And if you got a mustache, you're golden. Oh, no, I didn't know that.

All right, number five. Can you order this thing no one has ever heard of? What? Normally it's some elderly folks longing for the grocery store from days gone by had a gentleman come in and ask. You have the hot links with the colored fellow on them? Oh boy, them Mexican ones ain't worth a dog dick.

I gotta do the right accent. Yeah, you got them hot links with the colored fellow on them? Them Mexican ones ain't worth a dog dick. I didn't check, oh, this is him. I didn't check, but I'm pretty certain they got canceled along with the Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima. Wow. Yeah, that's old people for you.

They know the old songs and the old society. All right, casino, security. All right, dear Billy Tangerine ball bag. I'm a 24 year old paramedic in Eastern Canada. First off, thank you for the stupidity every week. You're welcome. These times have been very stressful on us. Yeah, healthcare workers and your dumb rambling

sure have helped me through a lot. You're welcome. Anyway, enough jerking you off and let's get down to brass tacks here. Before becoming a medic, I worked security in a casino for three years. God bless you. Probably still hear those fucking,

what's that ringing from the slots in your ears? Here are the top five stupidest comments or questions. All right, what do we got here? Number five, number five, number five. We kicked out a guy for smoking inside the casino where I live smoking inside a building has been illegal since 2004. He proceeded to lose his shit screaming.

I thought it was like Vegas here. I gotta be honest with you, I thought you could smoke in casinos too. This dude's thought it was Vegas rules in the casino because our slogan was a taste of Vegas. Oh, okay, out of all the ones that people have written in, that's the one I would have been like, yeah, I would have said the same thing.

Can I smoke this cigar? I would have asked though. You still have to ask about a cigar. Number four, there's a popular myth that casinos pump oxygen to keep people awake and to keep them playing. From my experience, this is absolute bullshit. Anyway, this one guy was absolutely convinced

that this was true. One night he walks up to me and said that he found proof that we're pumping oxygen. Being bored and looking for entertainment, I agreed to look for his evidence. He then proceeded to show me the AC unit. Oh boy. Number three, where's the exit?

To understand this one, Bill, you have to know that the security desk is just outside of these massive glass doors that overlooks the parking lot. Right on top of those doors is an exit sign. Number two, we once had this one guy who tried multiple times coming in with fake IDs. When I first interacted with him,

he gave me an idea of someone I used to play hockey with when I was younger. I laughed and told him to cut the shit because I knew the guy on the ID. He then proceeded to lose his shit and tried to argue with me that it was his ID. You don't understand, I know this guy, this isn't you. I laughed.

He would not let it go until I offered to call the cops and have them sort it out. Jesus. The generate gambler are just like, I gotta give it up to that guy for sticking with the lie. Number one, we were told to kick this one guy out for using inappropriate language at one of the tables.

Now, he didn't just say a good old fucker shit. The guy said the n-word multiple times. Oh my God. When we asked him about it, he said it was all okay because his wife is black. I don't think it works like that, he said. Jesus Christ. Wow.

Anyway, hopefully you enjoy these, keeps the laughs coming. And of course, go fuck yourself. P.S., don't feel bad. I don't know what the fuck a Joshua tree is. Okay, cool. All right, I got one for you. I'm trying to think way back in the day when I worked in a dental office.

Top five dumb things people said. I'll have to think about it. The one that always, I used to do a joke about it. What's this guy came in? I don't know. What's this guy came in? And the dentist was like, what's the problem? Because I got a toothache and I was like,

well, we'll take a look. And then he goes, doc, you know, I don't understand it. I mean, I brush my teeth almost every day. And my joke of my act was great. Do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit? That was my joke. And it was one of my first shit jokes. I figured I'd share it with you.

All right, that is the podcast. I apologize to the mask. I questioned my scientist shit. I'm just so fucking sick of being locked down myself as well as you guys. And I'm so fucking sick of people getting mad. It's stupid shit like fucking celebrities. It's such a fucking low hanging fruit.

Oh, really? Do you really not want to hear what the Kardashians have to say about the pandemic? Of course you don't. Who gives a fuck? All right, they are diversionary tactics. Those are diversionary tactics to just get mad at these fucking idiots.

But at the same token, you're not better than they are. They're not better than you and you're not better than them. Because I will tell you right now, I have seen a lot of regular ass, fucking Joe Sixpack people on Instagram and the social media is there who have completely disappeared into their fucking egos.

It's all fucking ego-based, man. It's a crazy fucking time. So anyways, I listen to the CDC. That's the group of scientists that I listen to. I'm wearing the fucking mask. Whatever the fuck it is that they want me to do. And if they come up with some sort of cure of this thing, I'll be one of the first people in line.

I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit what the side effects are. I don't care. I don't care. All right, go ahead and fucking, make me happy with my robot replacement, all right? I've had 52 wonderful years on this planet.

All right, that's the podcast everybody. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you from Dallas fucking Texas on Thursday.