Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-4-13

Episode Date: November 5, 2013

Bill rambles about the Red Sox, drum lessons ands South America.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, November 4th, 2013. How you doing? How are you? How's it going? You know how fucking red faces in a good mood this week? Huh? You know why? Because it's hockey season. No, I'm fucking with you. You know what it is? The Boston Red Sox 2013 World Series Champions. I was there to see it, not in person. I watched it on TV, you know, and I gotta tell you. All the emotions I had from jumping on the bandwagon from Game 1 of the American League Divisional Series, you know what I realized through watching all that playoff baseball? I fucking love hockey. I'm not even gonna say how great the fucking game is because I don't want you guys to watch it because that'll ruin it. And then somehow hockey players will be wearing pink in October. All right? By the way, I'm loving all those stories that are coming out about how little money actually goes to breast cancer research, not because I'm pro breast cancer, for you knee jerk fucking cunts out there. It's just because from day one, if you couldn't see the money making scam that that was, and that was also on the other side to try and get more female fans. Okay? If you can't do the fucking math on that, you know how the rest of it goes.

So anyways, yeah, the Red Sox won it, man. It's fantastic. Hey, Seattle, this is how the song's supposed to go. We are the champions, my friends. I love it. You know what the best part about the fucking Red Sox winning was watching was Paul Verzi immediately sent me a text and he said congrats. And I knew he didn't mean it. It took about four, five, you know, it was, it was the Red Sox parade. Something happened. And now Paul Verzi. All right. A New York Yankee fan is now telling me how arrogant Boston sports fans are. I mean, I'll listen to that to anybody else in any other fucking city, but to hear that from a fucking Yankee fan. Are you kidding me? And then he starts bringing up steroids, a fucking Yankee fan, bringing up steroids. You know, well, he won it all for me. He was your MVP with the fucking steroid. Really? You ever think maybe Manny had to do steroids because he was facing a roided up Roger Clemens, a roided up Andy Pettit.

Let's go around your infield, roided up Jason Giambi, roided up fucking A-Rod. Oh, now we're up to the outfield. Roided up Gary Sheffield. The fucking Yankees from the late 90s, right through the 2000s, were a fucking steroid factory. Anna, two out of 15 fucking million dollar team. Jesus Christ. But I don't begrudge them. I don't begrudge them any of their fucking titles. It was the steroid era. Okay. You knew what era it was. If you weren't doing steroids, that's on you. You know, it's like you're in the music business and it's the late 70s. You don't want to play disco. Well, have a nice fucking time playing in front of eight people with your Gregorian chant or whatever the fuck it is you want to do. It was the steroid era. I'll tell you right now, we're all going to fucking be on them.

They're gradually, gradually going to become legal and all of this shit that everybody's talking about. Come on. Look at these fucking guys. You know, I love all these guys, how they get hurt later on in their careers. And then they go to Germany and they like, I don't know what they're doing over in Germany, but God knows those fucking maniacs love experimenting on human beings. These people are coming back, the Peyton Mannings, the fucking Kobe. Kobe's going to come back made out of titanium and they're going to give all the credit, the drive, the determination, the competitiveness this guy has to return from such an injury. I'm telling you right now, if you want to rewind the clock and come back like fucking Lee Majors and the $6 million man, you go to fucking Germany. I don't know what the fuck they're doing over there. I had a buddy of mine recently was talking about that they take blood out of you and they fucking spinning around in this fucking centrifuge.

Oh, is that what they're doing? Let me a fucking break. My fucking leg is killing me because I ran like two feet down the street the other day at 45 years of age. These guys can play tackle football until 40. I know I'm not a professional athlete, but I am a human being. All right. I'm not going to name any fucking names, but there's a lot of people. Dude, when I was a kid, 35 was the breaking point.

And when you were 37, you were fucking ancient. People won't even play chess players could continue on at 37 golfers. But that was it. You, you were fucking dust. It was over these fucking guys, you know, they'll blow out their knee at 41 42 and come back a year later and have a career fucking year. What did it take us like what a couple hundred thousand years to walk up, right? All of a sudden the knee has evolved that far in fucking 15 years. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm just saying, all right.

Oh my God, dude, Versey, I've never seen him whine. He's so fucking pissed that they're calling Boston title town. I mean, what else are you going to call Boston? Three Super Bowls, three World Series and NBA title got fucked out of another one with those corrupt refs. But whatever, we'll give it to him. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Game seven call 35 files on us and 16 on the other team. That's fine.

That's good. Let's watch him win it from the line and a Stanley Cup championship. They've won eight fucking titles in 10 years with only four teams. The entire state of New York at this point is what those are 10 fucking teams. New York City next year when the Islanders move there, they're going to have two hockey teams, two basketball teams, two football teams, two baseball teams, and they've never had a 10 year run like this. The fucking Green Bay Packers. If Green Bay, Wisconsin can be considered title town in the 60s with one fucking team, you know?

Yeah, I'd say we earn it. I'm not saying that throughout all of sports history, Boston is title town. But right now, the last 10 fucking years, be honest with yourself. Get past your hatred of fucking Boston. Just look at it on paper. Who would you rather be? You and the success your team had or what happened in Boston? I had nothing to do with it.

I'm not being arrogant. I'm just stating the fucking facts. All right. And the fact is I was watching game, what the fuck, game six. And at one point, you know, the changing out goddamn pitchers, and it's taken for fucking ever. And I click over to watch a little bit of the Bruins-Penguins game. And it was right when they had a fight right off the face off in the third period. I forget the guy in the Penguins name, name of the guy in the Penguins.

He's fucking hilarious. He's in the middle of the fight and he's sitting there smiling, looking in the other direction, staying out of the way of the Bruins guys, right? You know, you can tell there's a lot of new Bruins this year and I've been watching baseball. So I got to get caught up and it was just instantly. The fight was over and then we watched like two minutes of the game. And I fucking, I'm going to say that game was more exciting than game six of the World Series. Maybe it's just me, how I'm wired hockey.

I watched the replay of the Bruins. I taped a bunch of Bruins games and I'm getting caught up. I watched the Bruins Islanders game. And that was a ridiculously fucking exciting game. Jesus Christ. Thomas Vanicht is that guy fucking owned the Bruins or what? He's killing us. I'm going to try to make it out by the way to an Islanders game before they close that place down.

I'd like to do that and also go to a 49ers game. I got it. I mean, I've been to both places, but it is the last year. I haven't been to Nassau Coliseum. I think I went there in 88 or 89. I can't, and I went to an Islanders Rangers game. I know I talked about this before, but that's a legendary building. And I think it's sad that they're leaving and they're going to go to Brooklyn.

Are they going to be the Brooklyn Islanders? I don't know. I've always liked the Islanders except for when they beat the Bruins and the fuck that they beat us. Maybe 83. No, 83 be choked to the Canadians. Somewhere in there, we met them in the playoffs and I thought we were going to have a run there. It was during their dynasty. Oh, by the way, I saw some fucking moron Red Sox fan.

It said 2004, 2007, 2013 Red Sox dynasty. Who the fuck taught like the definition of a dynasty. I swear to God is like it's just going. Somebody has to stop it from its free fall. I remember in the Patriots, we won three in four years and it was called the dynasty. And that was the first time I'm like, wait a minute where dynasty has always been, you have to win three in a row. Two in a row is a repeat three is a dynasty and then like however long you can make that go. And I as far as I know, my knowledge in professional sports.

I think the record in hockey and baseball is both five by the Yankees and the Canadians, of course. And, and then and see in basketball, Celtics with nine, which I mean, I don't know. I mean, it's like literally the beginning of the NBA. I look at a lot of that shit. You know, those championships you win in the 23 Skadoo years when the fucking league is just getting started. You know, like the league is so new that if you just walked in with a microphone and a PA system, you would be the team's fucking announcer during the game. You know, those old guys, 80 year old guys, when they talk about, you know, how did you get your start, you know, announcing for the Milwaukee box. You know, I, you know, I saw the paper that they had a game and I came down with a microphone.

And that was about it for 50 years later, you know, like now it's just so it's so locked down. So there is that weird thing. And it's also that's a weird thing about sports where like each sport has that team that just went on that fucking run. When this shit was just getting established and they got so out in front that no one came. Oh, is that really right? I don't know. The Lakers caught the Celtics, which I'll catch it up to them. That's what I think is the most impressive thing because they did it from 1970 on, which is basically the free agent era and all that.

So that's the most impressive one. Canadians and Maple Leafs went blow for blow until 67. The Celtics are a good example of it. And when the Yankees to a little bit of an extent, you know, it's like they won a ton before, you know, anybody other than white guys were allowed to play. But you can't fuck with going from Ruth to Gary to DiMaggio to Mantle like no one will ever fuck. Although, although the Pittsburgh Penguins, they're halfway there. Nah, I would just, I guess I wouldn't say that. Dude, they went Mario Lemieux, Yarmira Yager to Gino and fucking Sidney Crosby.

That's pretty impressive in this day and age in a 20 year period. You know, Peyton Manning to Andrew Luck. It's just not that, you know what? It's too early. It's too early to look back. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck am I talking about? This is the Monday morning podcast everybody and what did I do this?

I had a fucking great week. I'm back out on the road this week and I'm doing a tune up show tonight at Flappers out in Burbank. I'm going to make sure I give everybody their money's worth this weekend because coming up, I got arguably the biggest week of shows I've ever had. I'm at Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C. And for you comedy nerds like myself, that's where Eddie Murphy taped Delirious. And I believe Martin Lawrence also taped a special there. So I got to bring the A game for that one. And then the next night I'm at the Beacon Theater.

And then the last night I'm at, I'm in Upper Darby. People keep saying stop saying it's Philly. I mean, to me it's 15 minutes from downtown Philly, Upper Darby, whatever the fuck you want to call it. I'm at the Tower Theater. And I'll be bringing along the most bitter sports fan that I know in this moment right now, Paul Verzi. Dude, he was so fucking mad that the Red Sox won. He even brought up the Celtics. They have pile on championship.

Okay, in 2008, which I've always admitted to. And I felt that Kevin Garnett trade should have been investigated, considered Kevin Kale was like the fucking whatever was running shit for the Timberwolves. Okay, and I'll listen like once again, I'll listen to anybody give me shit about that other than a fucking New Yorker. He's going to give me shit about buying a New Yorker. He's going to give me shit about buying a fucking championship. Really 77 78 Oakland A's slash fucking New York Yankees. The 1994 Edmonton Oilers slash New York Rangers give me a fucking break and then I don't even need to bring up the Yankees.

99 2000 2009 get the fuck out of here. Fucking jerk off. Anyways, What am I talking about here? Yeah, I had an unreal we I got to do a little bit advertising here. Sorry, I'm a little bit all over over the place. I got to get some bullshit I have to do today before I run over to the club. I did a benefit last night for pit bulls down at Largo.

And I got to admit I was a little fucking out of sorts. I've been in a weird mood. I've just been enjoying I've been home for like two weeks for the first two straight weeks in a row this year. And I got to tell you I did not miss going on the road kind of scared me. You know, I sat around making pumpkin bread and shit wearing a fucking apron. The hell's wrong with me. I got to get back out on the road. I'm going to retire dollar shave club everybody.

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And then also they'll know that we sent you go to Hulu plus dot com slash bill now or click the Hulu plus banner on the podcast page at billbird dot com. Alrighty, back to the podcast. All right, here's one that I've been keeping an eye on over the last couple. Oh, by the way, dude, I tried another, you know, I've been sober here for fucking 13 days. Um, I like it. I like it in the morning. I hate it at night in the morning. I want to hug somebody.

But at night I, you know, I don't know what I want to do, but I want to inflict pain on somebody. So I've just been trying to fill up those times with some that I used to booze. And I'm not done forever people. I'm coming back. All right. Just like Mariana Rivera. I'm coming back. Um, I tried, you know, I tried to make homemade ravioli for the first time.

Okay. And like an asshole, rather than just trying to make the homemade ravioli and making a simple ricotta filling, just keeping it simple like that. Or maybe just making a sketty. Right. What does old Billy fuckface do? He tries to make a braised short rib ravioli with this mushroom gravy on top. It was like trying to make three fucking entrees by myself. I already knew how to make braised short ribs.

So I had to go through that whole fucking process just to get the filling for the ravioli that I had never made. So for the first time in my life, my mother bought me one of those KitchenAid mixes like seven years ago and I have never used it. The fucking thing weighs more than the goddamn Stanley Cup. And I finally took this thing out of the back of my poor excuse for a pantry and I set it down and I had the pasta making attachment. And I can't even tell you how fucking excited I was. So I watched the Sicilian woman. I'll send you the link to it where she makes, she makes this homemade pasta. It's that Malina with her fucking perfect.

You just look at her. She's from Sicily. It's not like she's Sicilian and she's lived over here for a couple of... I'll just show it to you. When you look at her Fred Sanford fucking hands, you know that she's been needing pasta dough since the day she came out of the womb and she knew what the fuck she was doing. So the dough actually came out all right. I probably should have needed it a little bit more, but I didn't have that the ravioli thing. It's like you're like a notary public and you got to stamp it down.

So I make the fucking ravioli. It actually came out really good. I could have mixed it a little bit more. There's a little bit of granulated semolina. So I kind of fucked it up a little bit. And then I put my filling in there. Caramelized onions with braised short ribs and a little bit of carrots in there. Fucking delicious.

Stick it in this shit. And I go to make these things and I fucked up on two levels. One, I didn't seal them correctly. And two, I made them too big. Because I guess when you drop them in the water, when they're done is when they float. But mine was so big they were like fucking barges and they were just floating up top and they weren't sealed and all the fucking... All the fucking filling came out of them. In them.

It was a fucking mess. It was an absolute fucking mess. And I almost started crying. It took me, like that entire process took about five and a half hours. It took me three hours to fucking braise the short ribs. Get all the ingredients, braise the short ribs in the fucking Dutch oven. You know what? I didn't waste a day.

You learn something in your failures. I know how to caramelize onion. I know how to fucking reduce that goddamn sauce down to a fucking gravy. The douchebag with the YouTube video, the way you edited the shit together, you made it seem like that took five minutes. So I sort of already started sauteing my mushrooms, you cunt. And you fucking left half of the ingredients off of your shit because you won that cooking contest with it. All right? And I get it.

You want to be a celebrity chef so you don't want to tell all your fucking secrets. So why don't you put up a recipe of PB and J next time instead of having this vague thing and having me waste my whole fucking Saturday, you cunt. Forget it. All right. So anyways, but a homemade pasta, not that hard to do. I'm going to do it again tonight. Picking myself up off the mat unlike George Foreman when Molly got knocked him down back in the day. Right?

I'm getting up. I'm coming out. I'm going to try spaghetti tonight. Making it nice and simple. All right. I got a prego sauce. I don't give a fuck. I'm keeping, I'm working at one, working on my pasta game tonight.

And that'll be easy. I got the attachment. You just, you know, send it through number one a couple of times and then two, then up to three, I think. And then I'll put the fucking skinny attachment on and I'll send it right through the fucker. And that's going to be it. That's what I'm hoping. Jesus Christ. What happened to me?

You know what happened? I stopped drinking. That's what happened when I stopped drinking. All right. The booze goes away and the apron comes out of the drawer. Oh, hey, by the way, do you know we didn't celebrate Halloween this year? I was really, uh, that was Nia's call because of all the, uh, all the fucking assholes who came to our house last year who were well beyond the age of being able to trick or treat. So instead we went to the Clippers Warriors game and what a fucking team the Warriors have, man.

I'm actually, uh, thinking about getting the fucking NBA package because I don't watch enough sports, right? Um, it was ridiculous. The fucking game was like, it was like an all-star game as far as the, uh, it was like 120 something to 120 something. Um, I gotta tell you, we went to the game and being stone sober at a game and just taking in the level of mouth-breathing fucking drunk morons that go to the game. That was really eye-opening. Um, I just was sitting there like, wow, that, that guy is me except I'm sober right now. I watched this drunk fat couple in front of me get hammered out of their minds and then order this big thing and nachos and then feed them to each other like this. Like they were in Lady and the Tramp.

It's one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen, but like if I was hammered, I would have been like, oh, look at their in love. So I'm basically, I'm going to try and stay sober until, uh, until I go over to Europe and then all bets are off. All bets. I mean, like I'm going to go to Italy and I'm not going to fucking drink some wine. Give me a fucking break, right? Anyways, and speaking over there in Europe, this is a story that I've been keeping up on is the, uh, the Greenpeace 30. The Greenpeace 30. Okay.

Now, for those of you who haven't been paying paying attention or, uh, haven't listened to the podcast really quickly. It was a group of 28 Greenpeaceers. Is that the correct word? Greenpeace people and, uh, and two journalists and they decided that they were going to board a Russian oil rig. By basically somehow shooting their ropes up there and climbing up the side of it. And they got arrested by Russian Navy SEALs. They were charged with piracy as you would think that they would. And they've all been, you know, all the Greenpeace supporters and their family members.

They're all outraged thinking that the Russians are overreacting. And, uh, and when we last saw them, let me click on this. When we last saw them, they were in a jail in Murmansk, Russia, which at this time of year, it's dark 24 hours. And, uh, and they were actually going to drop the piracy charges from piracy down to hooliganism. But, uh, this is what's happened this week. Arctic 30 being moved from Murmansk to St. Petersburg. St. Petersburg is out of the Arctic Circle and now you're basically just south of Finland. Um, and I want to say that that's the city that Finland had to give back to the Russians, even though they beat them in World War Two.

They had to give them back just because they sided with, uh, uh, angry Charlie Chaplin over there. Um, all right, Amsterdam, November 1st, 2013 Greenpeace International understands from diplomatic sources that the 30 men and women detained in Russia following a peaceful protest. That's what they said. Peaceful protest. Like that. There was nothing peaceful about that. It was somewhere between peaceful and an act of war. As far as I'm concerned, you just don't go out into international waters and just without permission, board somebody else's vehicle. He can't do shit like that. All right. But they consider it a peaceful protest against an Arctic oil platform and are being moved from a detention center in Murmansk to a jail in St. Petersburg. You like how they completely ignore the fact that they tried to board the fucking thing.

It's not like they just showed up and kind of drove around it with signs saying, Hey man, fucking knock it off. Lawyers for Greenpeace are not aware of the reasons for the move. Greenpeace International Exector Directive. Kumi 90 said, uh, that's the detainees. This is what this Kumi person said. The detainees shouldn't be in jail at all. They should be free to join their families and restart their lives. St. Petersburg has some daylight in the winter months, unlike Murmansk families and counts and consular officials will now find it easy to visit the 30, but there is no guarantee that conditions inside the new detention center will be any better than in Murmansk.

In fact, they could be worse. There's no justification whatsoever to keep the Arctic 30 in prison for a day longer. I love how they just completely ignore that they broke the law. I don't know what law it is. I'm completely uninformed, but I know you just can't go around boarding other countries fucking oil. I wouldn't even do that to exons and they're allegedly on my team. Anyways, they are prisoners of conscience who acted out of determination to protect us all and they should be free. Now that I don't disagree with, but the way you fucking went about it. Um, so here's the thing, Greenpeace today released photographs, blah, blah, blah. So as of last week, they, they allegedly dropped the piracy charges, but, um, I guess they're saying they haven't now.

All they've done is tacked on hooligan charges. So they now stand, as of right now, they now stand accused of both offenses, which carry a maximum sentence of 15 years for piracy and seven years for hooliganism, respectively. All right, so I don't know. I don't disagree with Greenpeace or that type of thing, but I hope that they learned that, you know, you can't just go around. Boarding Russian oil platforms. And just because you know it's a peaceful. I mean, Jesus Christ, I mean, that's like, I don't know, somewhere in there, there's a protest. There's that gray area between a protest and an act of war, like that shit that's going on between China and Japan right now.

They're fighting over those islands. I forget who said somebody's going to shoot down another person's drones and the other country's going to consider it a fucking act of war if they do it. I got to tell you, man, that will be fucking insane if Japan and China go at it. Who do you like? Who do you like in that dogfight? Let's just say for once the United States stays out of it and Russia stays out of it. And if the two of them were just going to throw it out, I would just think sheer numbers. China has to have them. They got to have, you know, and those islands are closer to China. So that's more home field advantage for them.

I don't know. Is it weird that I want to see it? That's fucked up, right? I'm just sick of, like, you know, it's like when the Yankees and Red Sox played each other. Like to the point they just, they pat each other, played each other for 30 years. I got burned out in that rivalry. I just wanted to watch somebody else. I started watching the Royals. I'm sick of watching the fucking the U.S. go at it with everybody.

I want to watch Japan. I want to watch two other countries have a nice fucking throw down. I want to see it. I want to hear a review of Japan versus China. Who do you like? You know, technicians versus fucking Smash Mouth football. All right, enough with me sounding fucking stupid trying to talk about international shit. I had a dream come true this week, everybody. Aside from watching just Paul Verzi. Oh my God, was he a fucking baby?

He was pulling out all the stops last night. He fucking hates Boston. And then he tried to tell me all the reasons why he loved Boston to justify his hatred of Boston. You know, he basically gave me the sports analogy of the classic. No, no, no, wait, my best friend is African American. That's what he did, but he did it in a sports, you know, it was fucking horrific. I think the people are funny. I like the food. Stop trying to give yourself credibility. Please, please listen to the Paul Verzi podcast, the Verzi effect this week.

I'm sure he's going to be going off. If you're as a Red Sox fan, you should really listen to him. You got to listen to him pissing moan about their beards and all of that shit. It's going to be, it's just going to be fucking music to my goddamn ears. And all he does is he just brings up the fact that the Giants beat the Patriots twice. I don't give a fuck. We still won three Super Bowls. I would rather, who would you rather fucking be? And I'm not giving all New York fans shit. I'm just talking specifically to Verzi.

And anybody else there who's a whiny fucking cunt, who God knows I'm a hypocrite because I've been a whiny cunt about the Lakers and the Yankees and every the Canadians. It's just fun to be on the other side of the whining. And now I get to act like I'm a fucking perfect person. Yeah, I am a hypocrite. Go fuck yourself. I stand by it. Anyways, the other dream that had come true is I've been, I've been gradually for like, I would say, I don't know, whenever Mike Johnston started doing those drum lessons, whenever I stumbled upon him, I was still living in New York.

I believe when I first found him back in like 07 or whatever. And, you know, I found these drum lessons online and I just kept going from guy to guy to guy. And then I stopped at this guy, Mike Johnston, and he was just head and shoulders above everybody else that I saw out there and the stuff that he was teaching and the way he broke it down and his whole philosophy, the whole pattern speed movement, the whole fucking thing that he did was just, I don't know, it just really connected with me. So for years I was thinking, you know, at some point I'm going to see that guy either at a clinic and I'm going to take, you know, maybe take a lesson, one or the other, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Long story short, he came down to the new recess studios in Santa Ana, California, which is right down in Orange County, California. If you're playing a band and you don't want to play in some grimy, horrific rehearsal space like most of them are with like fucking stains on the rug from Grand Funk Railroad 40 fucking years earlier when they weren't even famous. I'm not playing in just state of the art, awesome facility, recess studios in Santa Ana, California. Anyways, long story short, I guess the guy who opened the place was one of Mike Johnston's drum students and he was talking about opening a rehearsal place and Mike said,

well if you ever open one, I'll come down for free and do a drum clinic. So that's how I ended up going down there and I reached out to Mike and he goes, hey, why don't you come down and take a fucking lesson? He didn't say fucking, he's much more classier guy than I am. And I got to knock that out and it was the shit. So I'm sober, I'm cooking and I took drum lessons from a fucking drum god this week and now I have to go back to fucking LAX tomorrow where somebody shot up a fucking TSA agent. And I have been a grumpy cunt on stage.

My last two shows, I'm getting nervous everybody. I think I'm getting old, I'm getting too old to do the fucking road. You know what, I got to go to Germany like Peyton Manning and those guys. I need to fucking have them spin my blood around some centrifuge or whatever the fuck you call it. But anyways, I'm getting off track. So thank you to Mike Johnston, unbelievably patient, dealing with my drum and helping me try and improve. And if you play drums or whatever, I highly recommend going to mikelessons.com. I mean he's just state of the art.

You can Skype in and watch the guy do live lessons. Like he is at the forefront of all of that and on top of all of that, he's a phenomenal drummer and will break down. And he basically, if you can get in touch with him, anything that he did, he'll break it down as slow as you want. He's just, he's the shit. So that was my week. And with that, with that, let me, let me, oh, and also something else, I'm not going to say who it was, but someone else I know has one of those, those cars, Tesla's. And I got to drive one and ride in one.

It was the fastest fucking car I've ever been in. It's 100% electric. So all you guys who wrote all that homophobic shit about my Prius know that my Prius is actually a gas combustion engine past five miles an hour. It's a big fucking scam. It's only electric from under five and five miles an hour and under. But this was actually a full on electric car and it was fucking insane. The back of my head was tingling. I think that was blood going to the back of my head.

We got up to 60 miles an hour. So God damn fast. And he didn't even have the fast one. He had, I guess the slower version of it and you can drive from San Diego all the way up to the border of Canada and charge the car right now. It takes 30 minutes to charge it. So 350 miles. Most of the chargers, I guess, are in rest areas. So you just sit down, you have something to eat, check your fucking messages.

I know it's 30 minutes, but whatever. You pull into a gas station, you get a slim gym, you go in there, you take a shit, right? That's 10 minutes. You know what? The one thing I didn't ask was how much the electricity costs. I have no idea. I guess their goal is you're going to be able to hopefully, by 2014, drive from Los Angeles to New York City. But I don't know if you got the money because they're not cheap.

Dude, it was insane. I guess all the batteries are under the car and I wanted to look under and see them. And the guy was like, well, it's going to look like a skateboard underneath the car. And it was insane. There was a couple of things that he said and I forgot to ask. He said there's no fluid in the car. And I'm thinking, all right, well, it's all batteries, so you don't need any antifreeze. You don't need any oil.

There's no transmission, no transmission fluid. But I forgot to ask him about the braking system. You got to have brake fluid, right? You know what's funny? As I could just probably look it up. But if you get a chance, definitely check those things out. And this guy was telling me that there's people at drag strips that will take like, there's some guy, he has a Datsun, just a regular old Datsun from the 70s.

It's all electric power and he fucking wings in the quarter mile drag races all the time, which makes me feel great because for years I defended the Prius in electrical power by saying you can get on a subway and that can move a thousand people at like 35, 40 miles an hour during rush hour in New York City. You'd think a fucking car if they really wanted to make one with electrical power couldn't be fast. Well, I finally experienced it. So I don't know, I'm really babbling this week. Let's get to the questions for this week.

Pumpkin bread. Hey, Billy Crocker, tell us something exciting about the pumpkin bread making experience as if you were doing sports center coverage of what went down during the process. Dude, what is this like a fucking improv class? I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I already told you about the disaster. I might, you know what, I did, I already did it with my, my, my Bray short rib ravioli.

That was like talking about the Red Sox collapse in September last year. That's as close as I'm going to get. And I don't know, we got to, we're going to switch it up this week with a bunch of international emails. Take a break from the relationship advice. Listen to this one. This one's from Peru. Dear Billy Holiday, I am from Peru and I love your comedy. I wish I could say Peru loves you, but I haven't met many people who have heard of you.

I think you should come and perform here. Well, what the fuck to who? If you, I'm to you, why don't you just have a birthday party and I'll fly down there, take me to a soccer game and I'll do stand up and I'll bomb in front of all your relatives. As they stare at me in my lack of pigment. Anyways, nobody knows me down there, but for some reason I should go there and perform. He says, but I don't know how many people would understand your humor. He said, he said a gold digging whore would be a good thing here because it would mean she gave out sex.

And also what's so bad about a girl who digs, digs for gold. That's better than a girl that doesn't. You know, I forgot you guys actually have minds down there and that's actually a job. You know, for an individual rather than a giant machine. Anyway, she says that's what people here would think. Don't feel bad though, because I think the most people here don't know who Bill Cosby is. Listen, if I somehow could get through Rosetta Stone Spanish and learn how to speak your language, if you think I wouldn't come down to Peru, I'd actually would read up.

I mean, do you guys hate us down there too? I really don't feel like getting kidnapped by some sort of rebel group and I hate to admit it, but to me that's what a lot of South America is because that's what I see. I see all the, you know, killing Pablo. I read that book. I probably, I probably haven't read a lot of good things about South America. Yeah, it's cocaine cowboys. It's Nazi war criminals.

It's the most perfect asses in the world in Brazil and I don't know, I don't know what else it is. It's the Galapagos Islands. That's arrested abroad. It's the hand of God soccer move by that fucking guy. Was it Vince Farragamo? I don't know a lot about down there. I'd love to go though. You know, if I could go down there and you could guarantee that I wouldn't get kidnapped.

I wouldn't get stabbed because of some horrific shit that we do in our foreign policy down there. I would definitely go down there. I've been to Costa Rica. That's the closest I ever got to South America, but that is on my bucket list of something. I want to go to all the continents other than Antarctica. I don't, I have no reason to fucking go there. All right. Anyways, let me know.

Let me know. You guys open an English speaking comedy club down there. I'll fly down there. That's a promise. All right, from Dublin. All right there, Billy Red Boy. Big fan, blah, blah, blah. I only recently found out about your podcast and been listening to them instead of the depressing shit that's played on our radio station.

Dude, the difference in work, my work days from listening to your comedy and laughing my ass off in the car was immense. The urge to punch some of my managers, I have to deal with on a daily basis. It has turned from a vein popper to just saying, go fuck yourself in my head and laughing in their faces. So thank you for that and keep it up. Can't wait for the Dublin gig. I've got tickets that I'm going to bring a date. So it's going to be a great night. Thanks for penciling us in on your tour.

I'll buy you a pint in Vickers Street. Go fuck yourself. All right, that was just sort of a love letter. There's really no advice there. Well, now that you brought it up, I got to do my, I got to give you my dates here for the big European tour when I fall off the wagon. I'm going to fall off hard when I'm over there. I already got some drinking buddies in England that I met the last time I was over there and another friend that's coming down from Scotland. So right there, you know, that's going to go down.

Where the hell are we? Shows bang right there. The first one, December 4th, Glasgow, Scotland. December 5th, I'm in Amsterdam. December 7th, I'm at the Forum in London for three shows. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. December 8th, I'm also at the Forum in London. So one of those nights I'm doing two shows, three total.

December 9th, I'm at Vickers Street, Dublin, Ireland. December 10th, I'm at the Savoy Theatre in Helsinki, Finland, two shows. December 11th, I'm at the Bremen Theatre in Copenhagen, Denmark. On December 12th, I can't even read the name in Oslo, Norway. The, the Folke Teteret, Folke Teteret. I don't know what the fuck that is. I'm at the Circus in Stockholm, Sweden on December 13th. And on December 15th, I'm at the Silferberg Hall in Reykjavik.

Reykjavik, however you say it, Iceland. There you go. And I'm going to be boozing it up, flying solo. I usually travel with the lovely Nia, but she's done that run with me a number of times. She's a trooper. Obviously that's just like a, that is definitely a thrash, but she's coming with me to Italy. We're going to have a good time over there. And then I'm flying off and she's going to stay in Italy with some friends.

As daddy goes out and makes some fucking money. All right, that's how it works. All right, let's get back to do the final advertising reads here. All right, LegalZoom everyone. LegalZoom, there are two reasons why now is the perfect time to start your business. Reason number one, the economy is picking up and the longer you wait, the longer you delay your potential success. Reason two, right now you can incorporate your business or form an LLC at LegalZoom.com for just $99. LegalZoom's online process guides you step by step and you can get total customer support.

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Just go to www.vistaprint.com, click on the herd of us. I give up. Click on the herd of us TV radio button in the upper right hand corner and put in the promotional code BIRD. You know what? I'm going to hire somebody to read these things for me. All right, somebody with a nice sexy fucking voice and I'll be equal opportunity. Male, female, straight, gay. We got to do something about these reads. Okay, I can't read them and now they're trying to do this phony, put in a personal touch like I'm using all of these products. Okay, I believe in all of these products but I don't use all of them. All right, I'm only one man. I can't use everything out there.

All right, here we go. Let's get back to the reads for this week. What are we up to? 53 excruciating minutes. Military origin story. Billy Boy! I am a military vet and wanted to share a story with you seeing as you like military history. I'm by no means an expert and this is probably all bullshit but this is how the legend goes. I already love how this story starts. Your whole setup of this is what 99% of the shit that comes out of my mouth can be defined as. I'm no expert and this is probably bullshit but this is my opinion because I overheard this from somebody in a mall. Back in Vietnam, there was a guy named Colonel Robin Olds who was commander of a fighter squadron. He was a triple ace. I don't know what that means. Does that mean he killed three people or fought in three wars or had three different ways of killing you in the air?

I have no idea but he was a triple ace. I'm going to use that next time I'm drinking in a bar. Some woman gives me shit. I'll have you know I'm a triple ace. What does that mean? You figure it out. He was a triple ace and fought in World War II and would later retire as a general. Good Lord. Any one of those things is beyond anything I've accomplished in my entire life. Olds grew a mustache while overseas in defiance of the Air Force regulations. Alright, he's a red sock. You hear that, Verzi? And he's a triple ace. We are the champions. Olds grew a mustache while overseas in defiance of the Air Force regulations. And commanded his men to grow one, two on the basis that it makes you bulletproof.

One of his men refused to do so because he felt it looked retarded and got shot down. He was recovered and grew a mustache and wasn't shot down again. Is this why all these studly guys throughout the years would always have fucking mustaches before hipsters ruined them? Before this guy went home, he shaved his mustache and got shot down a second time. It is now a tradition for flyers to grow mustaches overseas. It's such a superstition that schedulers will make sure at least one on the crew has a mustache and avoid making all female crews. Well, what about Tom Cruise? He didn't have a mustache, but Goose did. And Goose did. He got hit by the canopy.

Well, that's Hollywood. That's not real war. Alright, this grew into the tradition of mustache march in the Air Force where everyone, regardless of whether they fly or not, grows mustaches. This in turn evolved into November where men grow mustaches or no shave November where men grow beers to raise awareness for prostate cancer and other male cancer and associated charities during the month of November. So go grow a mustache, you pasty freckled fuck. Thanks for the free laughs. I will look. I'm aware of prostate cancer. Alright, I guess I should grow one so I never get it. I've grown mustaches in the, I don't know.

I'm a contrarian. I can never go the fucking way. That's actually a really interesting story. I hope even 8% of that was true. By the way, who was this guy who got shot down? That's where it all falls apart. And then the one there was a guy. That's that's how most of the urban myth start, but I like it. Great story. And I stand by your complete lack of research because that's everything that I do. Alright, from Finland.

We're going around, going around Europe here from Finland. Hello there, William F. Burr. I'm a 22 year old guy from Finland. And I've waited a long time for you to do a show here. So I'm very excited to hear you're coming to Helsinki in December. Unfortunately, because of my studies, I'm doing a practical training in Africa for three months. So I'm going to miss the show. I hope I will one day have the money to come see your show in the US. So I'm going to Ghana in a group of four students and I'm the only guy in the group.

I'll be in the same house and going to the same workplace with these three ladies for three months. We all know each other quite well, but I'm mostly used to hanging with guys. So if you give me some advice or tips on how to mentally prepare for these three months, it would be greatly appreciated. Are there some topics or actions I should make sure to avoid? Thanks and go fuck yourself. P.S. love the podcast and all that other stuff. Hope to see you more on TV. Oh, that's very nice of you.

What a nice email. Are there some topics? Listen, dude, the amount of things I fucked up with women, all I can tell you is what not to do. All right, this is what I would do if I was you. The first thing you got to do is if you're a type A male on any level, you got to tone that shit down. If you're angry, all anger does is scare women. Okay, or makes them not want to be around you or it makes women who have daddy issues. You know, it's like a moth to a fucking light, except the moth reaches in, grabs your heart, pulls it out of your chest and throws it down the stairs.

If you're going to live with these three women. All right, these is what you could do. Are you trying to fuck these women or are you just trying to get along with them? All right, first things first, make sure you're really neat. Granted, you know, women in the bathroom are some of the messiest fuckers on the planet, but I would do that. I would come with slumber party energy and just fucking given to their fucking conversations. Okay, and that's right there is where you establish credibility. You're not angry.

You keep your part of the bathroom clean and you come with, oh my God, you guys, you fucking give into that fucking energy late at night when they want to snack and they're fucking jam jams. You join them. All right, and you never try to fuck any of them. Then what you do is you talk to them about how you're having problems meeting women in Ghana and you need advice and then they'll become a fucking wingman for you. And you'll be crushing fucking Ghana and East fucking ass, whatever the hell you want to call it. Right and left when you're out there and they'll actually help you do it. That's that's that would be my game plan.

But the last thing you should do is try to hook up with any one of them unless it's the last weekend. The last weekend comes around. All bets are off. You get in there and you fuck them all. Somewhere in there is probably some information that you could use if anybody has any suggestions on what this guy should be doing. My, my, my trip isn't until December. If anybody else has studied abroad with three broads and has better advice for the love of God, let me know. And I'll pass it on to this, this, this, this, this fine young gentleman.

All right, documentaries. Just a bill on Capitol Hill. Ah, one of my favorites. I know a lot of you guys are too old to remember Schoolhouse Rock. Do you remember that? I'm just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill and I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill. Well, and it's off to the dollar when I put on the bank and something or something and I bought out a boo and I hope that I will be alone.

Sorry. That was way too long. Pray that I will. But today I'm still just a bill. Hey, your top school house rocks. Three is a magic number. Conjunction, junction. Verb.

That's what's happening. I'm just a bills. A great one. Number nine is a great one. Oh my God, I'm gonna have to fucking upload that shit. I have that on CD box at somewhere. Jesus, under some championship hat. Rub it in.

All right, I've got two documentaries for you. Your red face to lock onto. All right, first up, Blackfish. This is about killer whales in SeaWorld. Basically, it starts from the time they got a killer whale into cap, into captivity. I really apologize for my reading out loud. This is like the worst I've ever done. Anyways, he says this is about basically it starts from the first time they got a killer whale.

They got a killer whale into cap, captivity at SeaWorld. They separated from its mother at the age of two. Males remain with their mothers their whole lives. So the separation is very traumatic. They're kept in tanks too small and fed very little. The whole thing is mind blowing. It aired on CNN and I recommend it to everyone. You won't believe the stuff that comes out of the SeaWorld employees mouths.

I might just take your word on that. I can't handle watching people do stuff. Animals and kids. And then the next level of rage. Because that's about as innocent as it gets. And then the next level of rage above that is someone beating the shit out of their girlfriend and their wife or anything. I can't handle watching that stuff like they made that thing was at the Cove. Where they just drive all those dolphins into that little area and then they just bludgeon them to death.

Like just tell me what I need to donate money. I really can't watch like last night. This is my second time doing that pit bull thing in one of the pit. The woman organizes it has a has a pit bull herself and has a scar on its back cause some douchebag dump battery acid on the thing. And I showed up late to it this year hoping I avoided the story. Because I knew that someone was going to ask and I showed up and someone asked and I had to listen to it again and just fucking. I swear to God I could literally kill somebody. I don't know if I could do that but I could do some horrific blowtorch shit to them.

So I'll watch as much as that as I can. That's on Netflix. I'll try and pull it up. Second dirty wars. This follows a lone journalist who tracks the origins of a drone strike from Afghanistan. To Yemen. It's streaming on Netflix. Oh I'll watch this.

Those drones fascinate the shit out of me. If this aired on network television there would be riots in the streets over what our military is doing in the name of the US. Alright but I'm also going to watch it knowing that this is, I mean is this a documentary or is this like one of those Michael Moore documentaries where it's really an op-ed piece. I'll watch it. I'll watch it. Fuck it. Dirty wars correlates with the news coming out about Obama claiming to be good at killing people to his aides. Here's an article from Yahoo.

I'll give you guys this link. I'm not co-signing on any of this shit until I see it. Jesus man. Do you have a happy one in there? Is there one about an old lady making her own jam and beating out the corporations? You got to give me a ray of sun. I appreciate all of that stuff. I might have to watch dirty wars.

I know I'm going to have to. I'm going to watch both of those. Fuck it. Jesus Christ. Hey how about now that he's giving me two that's going to make me lose even more faith in humanity. And I'm not saying I'm better than these people. I'm a complete piece of shit myself. But can I get a good one in there?

Does anybody have a documentary on Iceland standing up to the bankers that I could watch? Because that one fascinates me. And how that wasn't covered that much here in the States. I would love to see that one. All right. So here's the wrap up everybody. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet.

And that's it for the podcast this week. I had just an awesome week. I know I was just bandwagon, but it's really exciting after all those years of watching. The Red Sox sucked to actually watch them now consistently be this winning franchise and be able to turn stuff around. And I know they spend more money than God, but it is cool. And I don't know. I hope it happens to your city. I hope you guys go on a run, especially Cleveland, Kansas City, all of those, you know, I'm only a hater of, you know,

the Yankees, the Canadians and the Lakers. And even then I respect all of those teams as much as I give them shit. I definitely respect them, but I don't even hate the Giants. I actually love the Giants. And I'm hoping that they, I don't have that thing in football where I have like a team that's the Yankees. I mean, I love that the Jets beat the Saints this week. Because that means that old footfetish, foot fetish guy down there, I'm forgetting his fucking name. Rex Ryan, he has a chance of keeping his job.

You know, I don't want him on ESPN analyzing football games. I want him to, as a Patriots fan, I want him right where he is, head coach of the New York Jets. All right, that is the podcast for this week. Congratulations to the 2013 Red Sox. I wish I watched all throughout the year, but I didn't. I'm just a bandwagon guy and I'm going to wear the Red Sox championship hat and I'm going to laugh when you guys give me shit because I am bandwagon. However, I am diehard Bruins Patriots and I'm actually going to get the NBA channel because package because the Celtics are rebuilding. And I want to see if they can do it again.

They can rise from the ashes and buy some more free agents and see what happens. But I actually went to that Clippers Warriors game and I had a great time and the Warriors looked like a really exciting team as to do the Clippers. So, fuck it. What am I going to do? Fuck up the ravioli again this week? I'll watch some hoop. All right, that's it. Hey, by the way, I'm going to be at the Rangers Penguins game.

All right, stone sober. Madison Square Garden this week should be a great game. All right, if you're not watching hockey, you're missing out. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Yeah, top.