Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-4-19

Episode Date: November 4, 2019

Bill rambles about Pats/Ravens, old man shit, and fighting a cat.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, November 4th, 2019. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Oh, that's good to know. I am gonna be in Boston this week. I'm doing the Comics Come Home 25th Annual. Comics Come Home with Dennis Leary, Cam Neely. Cam Neely Cancer House and all that type of stuff. Great stuff. It's gonna be Saturday night at the Boston Garden. It's gonna be an incredible lineup. I think it's all sold out. There might be a few tickets left. Go online. Talk to a scalper. Whatever the hell it is you do. Another announcement here. What the fuck is it? Scrolling up, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.

The 8th Annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit is gonna be Monday, January 27th, 2020 at 7 p.m. At the New York City Theatre. The lineup includes yours truly, Ronnie Chang, Judy Gold, Sam Morell, Andrew Schultz, Syphus Sounds, Rich Voss, Paul Verzi, and Roy Wood Jr. Still adding people to this thing. Special guests and whatnot. It's gonna be fantastic. Tickets 75 bucks. Tickets can be purchased at the Theatre Box Office 131 West 55th Street, New York, New York 10019. Or you can call the City Center. Tickets at 212-581-1212 or directly on my website at billbird.com. I believe we'll take you to a link. It's been such a great benefit all of these years and has really helped out the people that Patrice loved and was taken care of. All right, that is the deal. Okay. And lastly, but not least, Lee. Oh, two more announcements.

Oh, he's the fucking town crier. The absolutely fucking hilarious. One of my favorite people in this business, Todd Rex. The fucking inhale was that. Jesus Christ. Do you have anything like in your body? Just decide you're gonna inhale. I was like, Todd Rex. New special. His new special will be airing on All Things Comedy YouTube page on Monday, which is today. Beautiful mess. Okay. And then, okay, now this one's lastly, but not least Lee. We added a late show in Memphis, Tennessee on January 6th. That's a Monday. Pre-sale is Tuesday. The code is Burr. B-U-R-R goes on sale to the public on Friday. Yeah, that's gonna be fun. Why are you there on a Monday night, Bill? Because I'm gonna go to the Memphis Grizzlies game on Tuesday. And then I'm gonna drive down in New Orleans and go to the fucking New Orleans Pelicans game on Wednesday. And then I'm done with the NBA. I've been to a home game of everybody in the league to add to home game of everybody in Major League Baseball and NFL football.

And then all I got is I got three teams left in the NHL, Ottawa, Carolina and Vegas. And I should be knocking those out and I'll be all done. And then I can just move on to MotoGP and fucking Formula One or whatever the fucking else I have to figure out how to keep myself out of trouble here on the road. As I wag my bony, pasty, sober fucking finger at you. You need to clean up your life. Alright, with that, let's get to what the fuck everybody wants to hear me talk about. I already know. I bet I got a lot of extra listeners for whatever reason in the Baltimore area. Let's talk NFL football. I was in the air flying back east for this for all of football Sunday, but landed in time to watch my New England Patriots play. Yeah, Baltimore Ravens. I gotta tell you, as much as the score seemed a little upside, I thought it was a fucking great game.

Baltimore came out and just scored it will ran right through our defense like it was fucking butter. And all of a sudden they're up 17 to nothing. Right? You know, you think fucking Bill Belichick's going to put up with that? Of course not. Do you think the fucking Patriots don't have pride or anything that shit? So then we fucking adjusted to whatever the fuck they were doing, which is beyond my comprehension of the game of football with my little flat screen TV here. I don't know what the fuck happened. All of a sudden we come Aurora and back was it 1713 or something like that? I don't know what the fuck it was at the half. And then it was like, okay, here come the Patriots and this young Baltimore Ravens team. How are they going to handle it?

Well, guess what? They fucking handled it. It was very impressed. They didn't fold up, you know, like like a fucking something like a shirt you're packing. I don't have a reference. And they hung on and they won quite, quite impressively. And I was very impressed with Lamar Jackson in that we contained him and he wasn't running all around the field and he showed that he could be a fucking pocket passer. I was amazed at how well when you took away that facet of his game that he was still able to just stand in the pocket. So I think this kid has a long career ahead of him because I was worried when I saw him running around like a fucking running back, which is never a good thing. I don't give a fuck how many games you're winning, how many fucking yards he's getting.

It is never a good plan of attack to have your fucking quarterback running around like a running back because he's going to get hurt like a fucking running back and then you're going to be fucked. But what I saw yesterday, if I could judge somebody at one fucking game, which is always a crazy thing to do, I think he's got a long, amazing career ahead of him. And not to pat myself on the back, but didn't I say I've been saying this all year, the Patriots haven't been playing anybody. We're kicking the shit out of teams that suck, which is good. But our season starts when we play the fucking Ravens. And so now I, but I didn't even watch ESPN. So I'm now, I imagine just like I said, they probably on there, the Patriots just get exposed, which is the business that ESPN is in. They're not that dumb. They just have what is they got four fucking channels, three or four of them, they have like 72 hours of sports that they have to fucking 72 hours.

They just fill up every single fucking day. The games don't come on until night. So what do you, there's nothing they could do other than light their fires on their heads on fire. I'm sorry, light their heads on fire and scream crazy shit all day, hoping you're going to stop and watch it. That's basically the business they're, they're in because the internet has fucked them has come along and taken them out at the fucking, then the fucking Habadash knees there. So don't listen to any of that shit. All right, the Patriots are right where they are every fucking year, you know, before more often than not, they go on to win the Super Bowl. So I am not concerned as a Patriots fan. There's a lot of positives from this game as far as like, I love when the Patriots go and play a team in the playoffs that we already lost to. That's been good for us. Every year this fucking happens. We come in the fucking chiefs kick the shit out of us. It's just the end of the brain. You know, maybe this is who knows, you never fucking know, but congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens played a fucking great game.

Um, great defense. The whole fucking team just looked really good. And the less angry or Harbaugh, he's had a pretty good record against us. So I figured it was going to be a tough game. Um, 17, nothing. I thought we were going to get smoked. And then we came back. I thought, wait, maybe we're going to win this game. I had no like predictions of the game, like whatever was happening was what I was like, well, this is what's going to happen. Now this is happening. So that's what's going to happen. So, um, I don't know shit. I'm just a fucking comedian that watches this dumb shit and gets fucking, you know, crazy about it. So I actually sent out a tweet during the game, um, making fun of one of the one of the fucking Ravens players as far as like, he broke up a past this cornerback and I said he proceeded to fucking celebrate the way I would have celebrated if I was stranded on an island and figured out how to make a boat. I'm trying to think when in my life I could ever do something that would cause me to stand up, scream to the heavens and thump my fucking chest.

I mean, it's just the funniest fucking thing. And every time I do this, right? All these guys are going like, all right, Bill, this joke's getting old. You're fucking, uh, you know, the stupid Clint East, what are you him on the front line? You're fucking hacks. Don't you even look to see that 40 people already sent that you dumb fucking as I've maintained with the gifts. The gift is for somebody or Jeff, whatever the fuck it is, it's for somebody who isn't funny enough to write a joke. They like joke PEDs. Um, for all you guys saying that I'm just this old man, I've been doing that joke. And speaking of comics, come home, I did it on comics, come home in like 1996, 1996. So I was fucking 28 years old.

So this isn't old man shit. It's been slowly, it was out of control enough by 1996 that I had already done a bit on it and it killed. Forget about now. And that's just back when like this touchdown celebrations were getting ridiculous. Like they were running out of ideas and then there was becoming more and more. Um, I'll tell you what was a great one. As far as like ridiculous celebrating was the 49ers this week. Who looked fucking great, by the way, the 49ers come in and, uh, oh, and also speaking, how about Seattle sneaky Pete up there coming back? I missed the game, but fucking beat Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers. I believe in Lambo in overtime.

You got to watch out for those guys too. There's some teams all of a sudden starting to fucking show what they're going to be doing possibly in January. Does this mean Seattle's going to win it? Um, my head is on fire. Look at me. I'm saying crazy things. Anyway, the 49ers won Thursday night football to still the, I think the last undefeated team in the NFL. Um, so the Patriots don't want it to share. I want the 49ers to win it because I just want them to shut up the stupid fucking 72 dolphins.

You know, with their dumb fucking undefeated record. What, what, what did they do 14, 15, 16, 17 and 0. The Patriots went 18 and 0 until they lost to the Giants, but for some reason it's not a whole season. Then that's not beating what the fuck they did. Even though they did one more fucking game, you had to win less game. None of it makes sense. It's like, okay, great. Back then when, you know, there was fucking one game on in the market and there was no fucking pressure beyond just trying to win the game.

And they played the Super Bowl during the afternoon. Great jobs, fellas. Um, anyway, now I'm just, now I'm totally overcorrecting the other way. It's still an amazing accomplishment, but I'm just sick of hearing every year that they, they pop champagne. That's what it is. Is that they're celebrating somebody else's failure. That's what makes them annoying. Um, but continuing on here.

So the 49ers, uh, one on, uh, Thursday. And Garoppolo, who looks fucking phenomenal, huh? He throws a pass to this dude. He catches it. The guy runs like three yards to get the first down. It's like a fucking four yard pass. He catches it. I think the whole, the whole play was like six, seven yards.

That, and that was the first down. If they got that first down, then Garoppolo could take a couple of knees and the game was over. Who caught the ball? You can't tell me this is old man shit. The guy gets up and he's like, and he starts running like flipping the foot. He celebrated more than Joe Montana did when he threw the ball to John Taylor because he caught a ball, a ball for six fucking yards for a first fucking down to help ice a regular season game. All right. This is not old man shit.

And, um, this is also not, I, this is, this, what fucking annoys me about it is the last thing. Now this isn't the last thing I'm going to keep fucking talking about it because it keeps happening. These are not legit celebrations. These are not people playing with the motions. This is all ego driven, building your brand, trying to get yourself on fucking, uh, ESPN or whatever to try to make even more money. All right. Just, just stop it. I mean, when you're doing the 300 yell, because you got a first down in the second quarter.

Um, I don't know. It's, it's the dumbish fucking shit. I just wish I had the nerve to walk away from sports. Not that anybody would give a shit, but like it's becoming from me. Like driving in LA where it's like, Bill, at what point are you going to expect them to do what they do every fucking day? Look at this guy. You know, he can't get his fucking, you know, he goes from the lane on the right to the lane on the left. And he leaves like the, the back corner of his car still in my lane because he's such a self involved LA person.

Cause he's like, well, I'm in the lane. I don't need to be concerned with anything behind me. Basically the rest of my car and then the dumb LA cut in front of me can't fucking negotiate that little fucking tail light that's in our lane now. And we'll just sit there rather than going like half a cunt here into the bike lane and continuing the progression of our lane. I flip out every single fucking time. I don't know. I wish I just knew how to do like the fucking make those videos and shit. And just whatever, Bill, just just let it go.

I'll let it go. I'll let it go. It's great. You're right. You guys play with passion. Nobody celebrated when I was a kid. So that's why I don't want anybody else to sell. There was no celebrations whatsoever.

Everybody stared at the floor. There was a kid just celebrated when there was something to celebrate. It would be basically, I know, I can't stop. It'd be like if a fucking ocean liner came in and let's just say you need to tie the thing to the fucking dock and you need to do you need to tie it down in 10 different places. And after the first one, you tie down. You still, it's still a problem, man. You need the other fucking nine. The person just who tied down the first one ignores the other nine.

It starts fucking thumping his chest. It's fucking stupid. It's a regular season game. Jesus fucking Christ. Do we got to quote Kevin McHale again? One time we were playing a fucking playoff series. We fucking won the first two games in that building and then some fucking idiot on the other team started talking. We're coming out.

They better watch out. We're coming out. We're gonna do that in fucking game three. And then fucking McHale was just like, well, you should be doing that every night. This is the NBA. Total fucking pro. We play every night. What the fuck have you guys been doing?

The only thing I would be concerned about if I was a Ravens fan right now is if somebody on the Ravens then says something fucking stupid. Which is the dumbest thing. Shit talking is the dumbest shit ever. All it does is just amp the other guy up. I don't understand it. Hey, you're losing and you feel bad. Here's something to latch onto. All right, I'm done.

And another thing, the uniforms on Thursday night. All right, sorry. Okay, but for all you guys saying that I'm doing this old man shit, I've been talking about this since 1996. Okay, I was 28 years old. I had a full head of air. No crows feet. I had my whole life ahead of me. And I was already talking about how fucking stupid it was.

So go fuck yourselves. All right, let's talk about some fun shit. Boston Bruins are on a five game winning streak. Taking it in tonight against the fucking Pittsburgh penguins and then we got them. They hate it. Montreal Canadians. I want to think a minute, you know, they might be a little hungover from celebrating the Montreal Expo's first World Series win. Via the Washington Nationals.

Celtics looking good, you know, after the fucking terrible game. The only game I saw the first game of the year against the Phillies, the fucking Sixers, they've gone on to beat the fucking the Raptors. Who else? The Knicks and then we had a comeback win against the Bucks. I didn't see any of those fucking games. I've just been so busy. What do you want from me? But I'm paying attention.

I'm hanging in there. I'm looking at stuff. When I get to Boston, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to go down to the pro shop there. That's for all my nephews and nieces. That's what I'm going to get in all the goddamn sizes, getting them all the fucking gear. You raise them, right? Then go out to Foxborough, Patriot Place, right? I'm doing the fucking uncle.

I'm doing the uncle run, right? You get them all the fucking sports shit. You know, he's not into sports. I don't give a fuck. Have them wear it anyways. What's he going to do? I haven't wear Patriots jersey. This will save him from a fucking ass kicking on the bus.

All right. Sorry. Apologize. Apologize to all you guys who love to celebrate when you haven't even completed the job yet. I never saw Jerry Wright celebrate like that ever in his entire career. And I watched him win three Super Bowls. I didn't see him show more emotion than that guy showed catching a six yard pass to end game nine of the season. All right.

Trick or treat everybody. I went out trick or treating with my lovely daughter for the first time. You know, Nia always puts together this great Halloween party every year. It's done in every year. We had our third annual and it's always kids, Lola's age or younger, which makes it a really cool party because everybody's sort of like in the same age range. You don't get bigger kids. They're not bored or ripping toys out of other younger kids hands and knocking kids down. Head, you know, heads on the ground and shit.

It just becomes. Yeah. It becomes it's very. You know, if you watch those behind the scenes of prisons, it's very much the same, you know, might makes right. If you let somebody take your toy, then you're looked upon as weak. And then it just all kinds of stuff happens. People parents intervene. Hatfield and McCoy shit starts to happen.

So we keep it, you know, so this year was basically three years and younger and it was fucking awesome times. Kid had a great time and we were all joking at the party. You have to close with bubbles. Once the bubbles come out, that's it. That's a wrap. Okay. So what you do is you have the whole party. There's coloring.

There's games. Everything's going good. There's some music. They're eating food and then you give them dessert and then right as they start to have the sugar crash and everybody's starting to get a little grumpy. You bust out the bubbles. They go fucking nuts. They run off that last bit of sugar and then they're fucking tired and then that's a wrap. All right.

So that's what we're doing. But that's how we usually handle any kid party we have. But on the Halloween one, for the first time ever, I got to take my daughter out to go trick-or-treating. We had a practice practicing all week. You know, she'd hold a little bucket and she'd come up and she'd go trick-or-tweet. Thank you. Happy Halloween. So she was doing that all week and it was finally time to go and she was so frigging excited.

But then we go up to the first house. We just picked one of those streets where it was just like, you know, those perfect size houses where they're close to each other, flat street. I mean, and it was a madhouse. It looked like the mall back in the day during Christmas rush, right? And so my daughter was just taking it all in like, wow, you know, so we walk up to the first house. You know, we got the spiders and the ghosts and all that stuff. And all my daughter's excitement, she just got like super shy. She just kind of walking up.

She's looking at me and I was like, okay, go ahead. Go ahead and say it. She just walked out and barely whispered. She's like, trick-or-tweet. And the person was like, hey, how you doing? You look cute and put the candy in her little bucket. And she was so excited. She turned around and just smiled me.

I was like, say thank you. She's like, thank you. Then she walked away. And then she got, she's like, I say, trick-or-tweet. You got to look excited. By the third house, she was like walking up to the thing. She was so excited. She was like, twig-or-tweet.

Yelling out her costume. I, Doc McStuffins. She had the best time. She was freaking out like in a good way, looking at all the other kids' Halloween costumes. Like one of the bigger kids came by dressed up like a ghost. And when she saw it, she flipped out. She went, oh, dad, that is a ghost.

And all the kids' friends laughed. Thought it was really cool that she got that excited. And there was some other kids dressed like that. You know those dinosaurs? You know when they have those races at baseball games? Well, people wear those big, crazy dinosaur suits. And it looks funny the way the dinosaur moves as the person's running. There was three or four of those.

Daughter lost her mind at that. And everything was good. But then there's always that one fucking creepy house. You know the ones where they have to try and scare you? And you've got a fucking three-year-old with you. And you're just like, please tell me you know not to do this. So we come walking up and it's just this guy sitting there with a really creepy-looking mask on, a younger kid.

So I just got the vibe. I'm like, all right, something's going to happen here. So I held my daughter close by, right? We got it. I just came walking up and running like, hey, trick or treat. I was just like, what's up, buddy? Like I tried to make it like, you know, the tone. Like, please don't do this.

Please don't get my daughter a fucking complex here. So we get to candy. And then as we go to walk out, I feel myself bump into something. I thought I bumped into like a little kid or like a dog. And I looked down. There was nothing there, but like a shrub. And then I realized one of his friends was in there. They hit you with something or grabbed to try and like fucking scare you.

It's like, I'm walking with a toddler. Fucking morons. But anyway, we, the rest of it was all fucking good. And, you know, her little pale of candy was like legit filling up and getting heavy. So I'd be like, sweetheart, you want, you want daddy to carry that? You want daddy to carry it? And she'd be like, no, no, dad, I okay. I'm not tired.

She knew, or at least she was worried that if I started carrying it, that, you know, I was going to think she was tired and was going to be over. And I got to tell you something. We walked the better part of a mile. Like she walked so much of this neighborhood and was having such a good time. And, you know, I take her out for walks and stuff. We, you know, and I kind of know, like right around when she's going to start like being like asked to be picked up or whatever, which I never do.

I always make sure, come on, you're almost there. You're almost there. Tough it out. Tough it out. And then she walked like twice that distance and never complained. She was so frigging excited. And then I was psyched in the end. I said, I said, all right, buddy, you know, it's getting late here.

You're about all filled up here. We're going to go to one more house. Okay. She goes, okay. And she was totally cool about it. And then she came home, you know, was recapping the whole thing to my, you know, lovely wife, you know, who's finishing up with the party there and all that type of stuff and talking to her Nana and all that stuff, just recapping the whole thing.

And the next morning, of course, she's asking for candy for breakfast. I'm like, you can't have candy for breakfast. You can have it, you know, after your dinner tonight, after your supper. And she was already saying how she wanted to go again next year. But like my buddies already told me, they were saying, listen, the first time you get a trick or treating, that's top five dad moments. I think as far as like the first 10 years of their life, and I gotta tell you, it definitely lived up to the hype.

So if you're going to be a new parent, do not miss out on that because it's, you know, whenever you take them out because it was, it was fucking awesome. Anyway, okay, plowing through here. I guess I'll go on to the emails now. Right. Is that what I got? I think I talked about everything I was going to talk about. All right, let's get on to the, I'm sorry, the advertising.

All right. I always do the advertising first. Is that how it works? All right, emails. Where's the ads? Oh, there it is. All right. Policy genius, everybody.

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I did. It's nice to know if I kicked the bucket, you guys will be fine. See it. Oh, you're not going to come here. Oh, okay. All right. Don't you guys miss? I miss what you used to be able to have time to do the fucking podcast.

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That's stamps.com. Enter Burr. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. All right. Unless you collect stamps, unless you're one of those people, right? Those people who fucking kill butterflies and nail them to the cross of the fucking little felt thing there, whatever the hell they do.

I think people who collect butterflies, they're inherently fucking strange people. I mean, you just, you just have, there's something, that's the beginning. That's the beginning of eventually having somebody's femur in your goddamn soup, right? To make it more flavorful, your human soup. Isn't that how Jeffrey Dahmer started? First he had a stamps collection, then he moved on to butterflies. You know, then he just, I don't know, pounced on a jogger. That's fucking nuts, right?

I keep having this reoccurring dream that a mountain lion, every time when I'm out in my driveway, I always worry that a mountain lion, if my daughter gets too far away from me, a coyote, a mountain lion or anything like that, I don't know what it is. It's just every time, just being a fucking parent, like the fucking Stephen King shit that goes through your goddamn head. And I've pictured like, how the, like, how the, like in my head worked out how I would kill a mountain lion, which you know I wouldn't. I mean, if you're really honest with yourself, you can't even beat up a house cat.

Like a fucking cat decides it's going to start clawing you up. What can you do other than that, that I'm getting clawed up by a house cat dance? I mean, that's what you do for the first fucking three seconds as your body's dealing with the shock of what's going on. I mean, that thing is fucking Freddy Krug would you like five times before the signal even gets to your goddamn brain. All right. That you're being fucking scratched.

And by the time you think to grab this little fucking six pound thing and throw it at the wall as hard as you can. Right. Leaving it embedded in the wall. I'm just doing to see if any Peter people get upset. You know, your fucking arms, you know, all clawed up. So I figured with like a mountain lion, that's also a cat. If you just fucking apply the same theory to that, if that thing's going to hit me five

times before I even understand what the fuck's going on, like I'm dead. So what I've really worked out is if anything like that happens, I have to sacrifice myself to the mountain lion and hope that he takes the super size meal. This is fucking morbid shit. Warbill, what you could do is get yourself some sort of firearm or at least some sort of weapon, which is also right too. I don't fucking know. I don't know how to handle any of that goddamn shit.

All I know is I was standing in line at the at the supermarket and I see this fucking magazine. It says 90% of all species of fish are gone from the ocean. Right. Classic thing. And I'm like, oh my God, what are we going to do about it? And it's like nothing. Then they just start talking about manmade salmon.

And it's like, that's that's why I, all of this fucking shit, people screaming and yelling like really? And nobody's going to say anything. Really? It's like, well, what are you saying about the fact that 90% of fish, what is more fucking important than that? Maybe that's why all this celebrating sports is what's fucking anointing me because it's such like a fucking individual ego, me, me, me, me, me fucking thing.

And listen to all these fucking assholes talking about gender neutral bathrooms and all of this fucking shit. When meanwhile 90% of fish are gone. All right. That fucking cunt CEO from Exxon was talking about how long they knew. That spraying all of the burning all of these fossil fuels and that it stays in the atmosphere for 10,000 fucking years, what it was going to be doing. What is more fucking important than all of us being able to survive on this planet?

Geez, I mean, the fucking where? Like I just blows my mind. I think because that shit, and I'm like a light, it's overwhelming to me too is so fucking overwhelming that we're just going to, I think, oh, is this how we're going to go out? Just nitpicking at each other about stupid little social things. You're supposed to say they were out of fish. When is Jesus going to come back and start pulling them out of the bucket? We're out of fish, sir, ma'am, ma'am, sir, whatever the fuck I'm supposed to say.

Jesus fucking Christ. The problem is, is everybody thinks like whatever is happening to them is the top of the fucking list of what we should do. This is a time to be humble. Like I'm fucking done with sushi. I'm never eating sushi again until I see that fucking number drop drastically in the other direction. I'm done with it. And I'm all right with manmade salmon.

I deserve it. Whatever that manmade salmon does to me, I fucking deserve it. I haven't done it. I've never gone to a goddamn rally. Got arrested. I saved the fish fucking rally. I don't know. I'm going to spin it positive.

I think we're going to figure all of this shit out. I think a lot of us are going to have to die. And I think that that's a good thing. And we got to adjust the numbers down. All right. 90% of the fish are gone is because we are eating all of them because there's way too many of us. All right. And we are the part of the balance of nature.

So, all right. 90% of fish are gone. And I got to watch you fucking screaming and yelling because you caught a first down pass. A pass for a fucking first down first down. Yes, I do think it's all connected. All right. And I am part of the fucking problem too. I am definitely part of the fucking problem.

You know what's funny is, you know, how back in the day, it was always like the old man was talking about all he didn't have and how spoiled the kids are today. You know, I used to have to walk up hill and I was, you guys have something called an automobile. Well, I had to shoe a horse and get kicked in the head. That's how I got to school, right? It's going to, now I think it's going to go the other way. All the kids after us are going to have to pay for our sins of flat screen TVs in every single fucking room. And we're going to have to have our hats in our hands and they're going to be like, like, dad, I got a butter churner today. Why in my day, you just went down to the supermarket and bought however much butter you wanted.

I don't know, it's going to get fucking weird. It's going to get weird, but you know, by all means, let's keep continuing to celebrate our individual accomplishments. Do you know, I would be the big, the doucheiest fucking comedian ever. If I fuck, if I fucking, that might have been the bit. Was that the bit? No, the bit was the guy at the grocery store bagging the grocery stores and then he starts doing an end zone dance. If I celebrated after every joke that I told the guy to fucking laugh, you'd be like this fucking guy is the biggest. Wouldn't it be unwatchable?

No, he's just having fun. He tells jokes with emotion. All right, doing Sunday football the wrong way. All right, here we go. Here we go. Here's a guy going to tell us how to do it the right way. Hey, Billy, brag about no booze. I'm not bragging.

I'm not bragging. This has been fucking difficult. All right, and I'm not going to do a fucking dance on November 27th when I break my no booze record. 368 days. I'll tell you the other fucking night. I hadn't done stand up in like four or five days. I literally get depressed if I don't do stand up. There's something about it.

It keeps me fucking in a good mood. All right, maybe because I'm walking around and I'm watching douche bags celebrate every five fucking seconds. And then I'm seeing there's no fish left and I'm like, why is everybody so excited? Okay, I know those two things aren't connected, but my world they are and it fucking it brings me down, man. So then I go down and feed my ego. I go on stage. I do my little fucking dance up there and people fucking applaud and all that shit. I'm going to start wearing a helmet on stage and at the end of my set, I'm going to fucking take it off and just start screaming at people.

So I had a couple of good sets and I got off stage. I don't know what the fuck it was. I was like, I want to get I was at the commerce store. It was like, I want to get in my car. I want to drive over to the rainbow room. I want to sit on a fucking stool next to somebody roughly my age that remembers when rat, docking and all these fucking people were torn and I want to get absolutely fucking shit face. I don't know what it was.

Don't know what it was. Instead. I fucking drove past it and I went over to. I had to buy a cigar because I smoked a somebody gave me a fucking cue why I bought I paid for a air quote Cuban cigar dude fuck Cuban cigars. All right. The fucking 90% of them effect this fucking guy gives me this goddamn cigar, right? No, this nice guy gives me a cigar. Okay.

It's not the fucking guy. It's the fucking cigar. You know, I fucking cut it. As I'm going to light it, it's wrapped to fucking tight. So now it's like I'm trying to fucking drink some extra thick milkshake. Fucking eyes popping out of my goddamn head. The final third of the cigar, the cigar falls apart. And I was so fucking pissed.

The next night I went down and just bought a Nicaraguan cigar that smoked great tasted fine didn't fall apart. I'm done with them. I'm done with them. You know, unless you fucking know somebody who knows somebody who fucking knows somebody. Because the next night I was hanging with somebody who was like that and they actually had legit Cubans and they were fucking delicious. I had a funny conversation with that guy about he was a cigar guy too. And I was saying, is there anything worse than having a box of nice cigars? And somebody asked for one and you say to him, are you a cigar guy?

And they say, yeah. And you give it to him and he goes, you don't even have to finish it. He knew exactly what I was going to say. And then you fucking turn your back and the fucking asshole has put the thing out with half the cigar left and he's slobbered over the final third of it. Like you fucking asshole. Anyway, emails doing Sunday football the wrong way. Hey Billy Bragg about no booze. I've been listening to you get upset about direct TV the last few weeks.

I'm over it. I'm actually excited now that I don't have the NFL Sunday ticket. I like only having a few games. It's perfect. And I think I may have a solution. Have you ever heard about NFL Red Zone? Yes, I have. If not, definitely check it out.

I've been watching it on Sunday for the last five years. And I think it's the best way to watch NFL games. Basically it flips between games in live time and shows you the most important plays and drives that are happening. It is awesome if your team isn't playing because you get to watch the most important games. If a team is getting blown out, they won't show the game anymore. So it's not like you're wasting time. No commercials. And it shows all the afternoon games.

Definitely a great service. I don't know if you've heard of it, but definitely worth checking out. I stream it for free online, but some people get it for free in their TV packages. Well, streaming it for free sounds like it's illegal. I don't like fucking people over. Like if they're going to provide a service, I don't have a problem paying for it. That does sound interesting. I don't know.

I think I'm just going to go back to what I used to do when I was a kid. I just watched the Patriots every week. I'm going to watch their game every week and then I'll watch whatever. I mean, they usually, the local game is usually a pretty good game. But what's weird now is I'm in this fucking LA market. So we got two teams, which always sucked back in the day when I lived in New York. It was the fucking worst when I first moved there because the giants and the jets weren't good. I moved there in 95 because before parcels got there, the giants were in between, you know,

parcels and Tom Coughlin. So, and it was just the one o'clock game was the jets and the four o'clock game was the giants or vice versa every fucking week. And other than the two times a year when the Patriots would play the jets, it was just, it was the fucking worst. So maybe I'll give that a shot. I'll try and take a look at that. But I think I just like watching one game.

This whole world's just getting too fast for me. I feel like I got out of Shawshank. You know, the end that guy fucking goes to the grocery store and he can't handle it. Then he fucking hangs himself. Jesus, Billy had to take it to there. Oh, yeah, I did. I was speaking of suicide. You know, the other fucking day I had this thing, you know, out in Santa Monica, which is always the 405 is the

motherfucker out here. I don't know what to do. I don't give a fuck if you live on either just one side or just the other side of it. If whatever your meeting is, you have to go underneath that motherfucker. It's going to take you all goddamn day. So it's already going to take me all goddamn day to go from one side to the other. And fortunately, I got the heads up for my neighbors. I was standing in my driver.

He goes, it's just a fucking nut house down there. I looked down the end of my street and I just saw a bumper to bumper traffic. It like fucking 11 in the morning. I'm like, what is going on? Well, it turns out some asshole was threatening to kill himself and he was standing on the fucking overpass, which fucked up a whole highway, which I don't understand why. Why can't they just rope off the lane that he's going to jump down onto? You know, I guess maybe because he could run over to the other side and jump down on somebody's fucking windshield

or maybe people are going to drive by and scream and tell him to do it. But this one fucking guy threatening to jump, how much it fucked up traffic in Los Angeles. I swear to God, like if I was a terrorist group, it's like, oh, we don't need to blow ourselves up. Do we just go there? Just stand on a bridge and threaten to jump. We'll do it on every fucking bridge in LA and we'll shut the whole fucking city down. We'll just keep doing that. Commerce will be going bad in trucks.

It'll be phenomenal. It'll be fucking phenomenal. By the way, I think these, I hope these fires are going to get put out soon, man. You got to give it up to the firefighters that are coming down there. I mean, the job that they are doing is it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable the amount of fucking people and houses that are in jeopardy and their batting average. It's like barely anybody dies. You lose some homes.

That always sucks. But like what they do is it's just fucking incredible. It's fucking incredible. And I'm just waiting for one of them to get interviewed who's good looking enough and is good enough shape that LA's response to it is going to be the firefighter workout. And they're going to make you put on those fucking clothes and start hiking up the mountain, you know, except you're not putting out a fire. You're burning calories and getting you're getting that sexy firefighter look. All right, reptiles. Hey there, Bill de Berg.

Oh, by the way, do you guys see that former Navy SEAL who said Epstein didn't kill himself? I think he just started something. I think he just fucking started something. It's really the whole thing is really not funny. That guy was murdered. Like all these experts are saying it's because there's a bunch of other rich guys out here that were doing those horrible, unspeakable fucking thing to kids. You know, it's just the fuck. It's just what is it about money?

How much money do you need to have that you're going to look the other fucking way to protect that? I just don't fucking get it. Don't get it. All right, anyway. Okay, reptiles. Hey, Bill. Hey there, Bill de Berg. You recently had a section on the podcast about reptiles and their lack of emotion.

Komodo dragons probably are not the best example of this. But the most common pet reptiles are surprisingly emotional. They just exhibit it in different ways that usually only become clear after a few months of exposure. I had no idea I was a reptile guy until I got one. Well, if you weren't a reptile guy, why did you go out and get a fucking lizard? They can be more like traditional pets than we might first think. How fucking leave them alone. Bearded dragons are very much like dogs, generally friendly and playful.

I'm sorry. I have to look up with a bearded dragon. Is this a dragon that's too afraid to come out of the closet? Oh, Jesus, Bill, come on. Bearded dragon. Oh, dude, fuck that thing. It's kind of cute. I'm not going to lie. Oh, look, they put a hat on it.

Yeah, you know what? I got to admit, there's something cute about that. I'll give you that. Okay. It still really just looks like something you should leave in Arizona or something, right? Sit there and have that in your fucking house. Anyway, they're generally friendly and playful. Bearded dragons, the ones that run on their hind legs with jazz cheeks extended. Oh my God. Fuck that are very much like cats, more independent, but very expressive and extremely emotional.

I don't want some fucking little dragging running on the back of its goddamn feet across my house. Anyways, damn thing is like a hormonal cat all year round. The scientific name for a frilled dragon is the, whoa. Clamidosaurus. Kingie. I can't be right. The name didn't stick probably because it sounds like the king of STD ridden dinosaurs. Oh, I guess it's chlamydia. The vets that specialize in reptile care are called herp vets too.

So obviously there's some filthy fuckers behind naming this stuff. My chlamydia, disaurus, whatever the fuck, Kingie is called flaps. See the pictures. I don't have the pictures here. Anyways, you were right about Komodo's. They're reptilian as fuck, but not all reptiles are cold and dead eyed. Some are very, can be very expressive, surprisingly sweet. And some can, we lost all the words.

It can be downright emotional or can be downright emo. All right. Love the special of the podcast, all things coming. F's family. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right. I don't know. Reptiles are just, I don't know. You know that person in the bar, you just know I'm not fucking with them. That's what reptiles are.

They got the same fucking look in their face. Look in their eyes. All right. Bill, but where would you go? Um, okay. Dear Billy downtown, you got your, the helicopter's license, but when Los Angeles, Oh, capital W H E and when Los Angeles can't sustain itself anymore. And trucks bringing food into the city starts slowing down.

Where are you going to go? You've established yourself as a pretty secretive guy. So I wouldn't expect you to tell us where your safe haven land is located. I'll tell you right now. I have nothing. I don't have a helicopter. I got nothing. It was a crazy idea.

And then I just got into helicopters. It was more the crazy idea made me look at helicopters than I just got into them. Anyways, he goes, but it's also sounds like you might not have that in place. My plan you ask, I didn't ask. It's year or two. I'm buying a cheap cabin in Maine near a lake with fish, a fresh water well and land to grow shit. They go for under 50 grand.

Um, yeah. And good luck keeping that. You think everybody's just going to stay in the city and fucking die while you sit there in a lake fishing? I'll tell you, it's going to be safe as the people who just leave society and can live out in the mountains like goddamn grizzly fucking Adams, those people, those people will be fine. Hopefully, but you know, if we keep doing what we're doing, uh, in just as the temp, every place is going to be affected and all that shit.

And the fact that they're still debating it and they're still throwing money against like the studies of it. It's insane. It's fucking insane. I don't want to talk about it. Fuck it. Fuck it. There's nothing you can do.

Credit card debt. Hey, Bill, I have an ongoing stupid situation. I got into a cycle of paying the minimum amount of my credit card. I've been there. I've been there. We've all done it. And after a while, my credit card balance now sits at around nine grand. This started before I got married a couple years ago, fast forward to now where my wife

and I share bank accounts. So she is unaware of this debt. Here's the kicker. We both have good jobs. I own my own business and make a decent amount of money. There's more than enough money in our joint account to wipe out that credit card balance without it making things tight for us. Together we have over six figures in investments and very little left on our mortgage.

I also have my own business account that does not have access to that. What? I also have my own business account that she does not have access to that I can cover the balance of my debt probably without her noticing. My question is, do I come clean and say I have this debt that's been bothering me and I just didn't know how to bring it up? Or do I cover it from my business account and move on with my life? I feel so dumb just making these minimum payments each month when I can easily cover the amount.

Well, considering the fact that you got the fucking money and you're coming from a good place, you're embarrassed and all that, I would just be honest with her. I don't think it's that big a deal. If it's just nine grand, I think you'll be alright. It's when you have all of that debt and your wife thought you were financially okay and then you're actually the exact opposite of okay. It's just you guys are still okay. You're just $9,000 less okay.

I would get rid of it. It's great you almost paid off your mortgage. That's another huge thing. I think you're in the perfect place that if you were going to tell her, I think you'll be okay. You're going to be okay. Overrated, underrated. Overrated, big houses, vaulted ceilings, storage rooms for all the shit you don't use.

Oh, this guy's singing my song here. Having two kitchens are all luxuries that no one really needs. Absolutely. What the fuck you need 15 feet ceilings for? You like how wide open it is? Go the fuck outside. I think like this is going to start being the prevailing sort of maybe pushback. I don't know.

I don't know what underrated mail slots connected to your house. Mail goes directly into your home. It's perfect. The USPS AKA the government is trying to make me put a mailbox in front of my house so that the mailman, mail ladies, mail people don't have to walk, don't have to walk anymore. Yes, it snows here and I forgot to shovel one day and didn't, and they didn't deliver my mail for a week. Now they want me to pay money for a mailbox and also shovel the whole goddamn curb in

street in front of my house. Snow plows go by so the piles of snow would end up being two to three feet high on average. Oh, shut up fucking pussy. Get out there and shovel the goddamn snow. That's the type of stuff. I used to love that shit, you know, fighting the fucking snow plows. I liked it. Everybody else on the fucking street quitting and you didn't.

It says something about you. Well, what am I doing with the fucking snow plow? I'm just going to go out there. You know what I mean? I used to work with somebody back in the day when I worked in a warehouse. He would eat like fucking wings and had barbecue sauce all over his face and in his beard. He'd be like, Jesus Christ, dude, wipe your face. And he goes, what's the point?

It's just going to get all messy again. And he would just continue to eat until the end. Then he would wipe his face off. Now, one thing, if he was trying to be a conservationist, environmentalist, something on a list and he was trying to fucking save napkins, that's one thing. But he was just fucking lazy fat fuck who wanted to keep shoving food in his mouth. Somehow that reminded me of that with you just fucking with the fucking snow plow. What's just going to melt?

I mean, what's the point underrated indoor parking? I'm a 24 year old guy in Wisconsin. And this year I got a job after graduating from school and moved into my own apartment that has underground parking. This is the first time in my life that I've been able to park my car indoors at parentheses. At my parents house, they got the garage and at school, we only had a driveway. This week in Wisconsin, we got our first four inches of snow for the year and the temperature got down to 18 degrees Fahrenheit.

When I left to go to work on Wednesday, not only did I not have to brush off my car and warm it up, but when I got in the car, it wasn't freezing. Plus all summer, the car wasn't even, wasn't ever a thousand degrees when I got in it. I didn't realize what I was missing, I was missing out on until I had it. Oh, it's the fucking best. It's the best too. And I am a big believer that garages are for cars. All right, garages, they're for cars and they're for drum rooms.

Got to catch myself here. I hate that shit like where when people like, I don't know, when they don't take care of their cars and they just leave them in the elements, you know, and then you open their garage door and it's just piled up with just shit. It's fucking unreal, man. It's unreal. So I don't ever want to do that. I don't, I'm not into fucking clutter.

When you get a kid, there's a certain degree of it that you're going to have to have, but I always make sure all the toys are picked up at the end of the day. I just, I don't know, I got this weird thing with that shit. I like my garage is super fucking clean. I got the epoxy floor. You could fucking eat off of it. I sweep it up. I keep it fucking nice.

All right, got my little workout station here. I got my old truck here. I got my little fucking place where I play my drums, but I don't have a thousand fucking rakes and 50 million, I don't know, you know, leftover goddamn shit that you just never threw out in suitcases and boxes and all of that crap. I'm not saying I don't have some clutter that I have to get rid of, but I've been really weeding it out and not bringing anything else into the house. So having said that, for all you people out there, you know, who come out to my shows

and everything, yeah, just the fact that you showed up is more than enough. You don't need to give me anything or anything. I'm trying to get rid of shit in my fucking house. And when you give me something, especially when it's something that you took time to work on to make, I have too much guilt to throw it out. And then I got this fucking thing. All right. So, you know, I'm good.

I appreciate the gesture. All of that shit just you showed up. We're good. We're good. There we go. All right. There I got that out. So anyways, that is the podcast.

Congratulations to the Ravens, man. They were like, I'm starting to see the NFL whenever Brady is going to leave, you know, this could be an interesting thing. I would love to see a game now Ravens versus the chiefs to see the young bucks, the new quarterbacks, the next generation is this continues. Because who's getting who? Oh my God, fucking the tire hit me now. Who's getting who?

I'm never going to stop watching. I'm just teasing you guys about the celebrating. I do think it's fucking, it's like funny. It's stupid. It is fucking ridiculous. And like I said, and you can make fun of me and everything, but you want to pull that old man card. I've been doing that joke since 1990.

Well, I did it on TV and 96, which means I had the joke for at least since 95, 26, 27 years old. So go fuck yourself. I was in my 20, I was as old as the people who were doing that celebrating. So go fuck yourselves. I will continue to make fun of it. And as much as you guys say the joke is getting old, I got 12,000 fucking likes. Yeah, from 12,000 old men, man.

All right, maybe you're right. I don't give a fuck. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Go Bruins. They got back to back. They got the pens tonight and then they got the fucking hated habs on Tuesday. All right, that's it.

I'll talk to you soon.