Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-5-18

Episode Date: November 6, 2018

Bill rambles about the hardships of being a celebrity podcaster, solving the Middle East problem and wedding thing cheerleaders.

Hey what's going on, it's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, November 5th, 2018. What's going on? How are you? Oh, that's phenomenal. Isn't that wonderful? Hey everybody, I don't know if you've heard. I don't know if you've been on a TV or near a TV. I don't know if you stream your thoughts at this point through some sort of algorithm on a worldwide network. I don't know if you've heard. This is for Americans only, by the way. People from the United States of America. Everybody else, you know, if you're in Australia, just go stick a beat on something and fucking eat it during this time. All right, because this has nothing to do with you. And that giant fucking can of what fosters Larger, whatever the fuck it is, that none of you can't drink down there. That's why you stick it in a little fucking powder keg like you're just trying to get rid of it. Send it in our way, right? That beer, that's the bushlight of Australia. Anyways, I've never had one. I just judge it by the size of the can. I'm like, it's that fucking good. Why are you giving it away by the bucket full? Anyways, for the people that this podcast truly represents, and that would be the greatest people on this planet, the people of the United States of America, particularly the white people. I'm fucking with you. Going all Trump on you here. Sorry, I'm reading a Trump speech. It's the first draft of a Trump speech.

Evidently tomorrow, and I didn't know this. I don't know if you were aware of this, but I was not aware that tomorrow is evidently a very important day in politics, quite possibly the most important political day in history. And you know something? I had no idea, but thank God, all of these celebrities have taken time out of their day to let me know how important it is. You know what I mean? Just when you think a celebrity cannot give more of themselves on screen after they've been driven over in a golf cart and had their fucking hair poofed by some fucking poor bastard in a trailer, right? Poofed, poofed, whatever the fuck it is. Thank God. You know something? And I've been so inspired by all of these celebrities letting me know what is going on in my country. You know what I mean? Why would I listen to people who, I don't know, are in that business for a living? Why would I listen to them when I can listen to somebody who's on a sitcom? And you know what? I've been so inspired. I actually think that I'm going to, I'm going to, oh, look who's calling in here. Little FaceTime here. My kiddo. Hey, buddy. Hi. Hi. Hey, Nia, I'm doing the podcast. I'm literally recording right now. You guys are on the podcast. Say hi, Dada. Hi, Dada. Hi, sweetheart. Hey, do you know tomorrow is a very important election day?

I did. I had been getting text messages round the clock about it. I had no idea. And then somebody, the third lead in an X-man movie, let me know that I need to get out there and vote. I got an email from an actor as well. Yeah, I don't know why they're doing that. I have a bad feeling that it's going to drive it the other way. I was just in it. I was just in a car service coming over from the airport and the guy goes, I'm voting all red tomorrow. All red. All right, I got to get back to the podcast. I'll see you guys later. Bye, buddy. Bye, sweetheart. All right, I'll see you in a minute. Yeah, anyway, so what I think I'm going to do, I am going to loan my podcast celebrity to try and inspire some of you to get out there tomorrow. Get out there and vote. And when I say vote, I don't mean go out and decide who you think is the right candidate.

I want you to go out there and vote who I want you to vote for. Okay. I'm loaning my podcast celebrity and I feel like more so than that, I'm actually going to be honest with you as a person in your public ears, rather than just being like trying to be like non, you know, committal here and just say get out there and vote. I want you to vote who I want you to vote for. Okay. I don't know who to vote for. Maybe somebody that hosts a game show could tell me. I watch CNN and Fox News all the time. I'm informed. I read the Sunday New York Times. Shut up. Jesus, do these fucking people understand that there's engineers and doctors, you know, too stupid to name another smart job. Veterinarian, the guy who knows how to hook up your fucking cable. I mean, these are smart people. They know it's an important fucking election. They know who they're voting for. All right. I got a bad feeling that they're going to get this wrong the same way they got the election wrong.

You know, I actually think that if celebrities wanted this blue wave, they should shut up because you know, people who are on the red side are also watching this shit. It's like you're broadcasting to the Japanese during World War Two when you're going to attack. Why would you do that? You got to get on your own frequency, right? All who should I vote for? Maybe De Niro could tell me. Hey, I like that guy's movies. Maybe I like his political choices. Do you remember back in the day when you just, you know, you didn't bring up politics and you didn't bring up religion and you sat there and you ate your fucking cheese sandwich? You know, and you just said that was it. Every fucking, you know, you got to get out there and vote. And by vote, I mean vote who I'm going to vote for. Oh my God, what is wrong with this country? How come everybody doesn't see it the way I see it? Anyways, having said that, I usually vote, but I'm going to be here in New York and I didn't file for the absentee thing.

You know, so whoever's not liking this should be happy that I just canceled out my vote, you know, in one of the most important elections of all time. And you know why it's important because the same five corporations that have the money on all the horses in the race this time decided to just put it on one side of the ball evidently. So we will move towards a more prosperous future for the middle class because someone's finally going to regulate the banks again. Is that what we're voting for? I don't know. I have no idea. Hey, you know what, I'm going to loan. I'm going to loan my podcast celebrity right now and I'm going to solve the problems of the Middle East right now. First thing I would do I would go over there. I would tell everybody to grow up. Okay. As far as I can tell you all worship the same thing. No, this is what I would do. I would, I would, I would break up with Iraq. That's the first thing I would do.

I would just sit down and just say, listen, Iraq, I'm not happy. This isn't working out. I know, I know I came in like gangbusters. I moved in within a week with this just whole relationship just moved way too quickly. All right. And I just, you know, it's not that I, I love you, but I don't love you in a way that makes me want to stay. And I would just get the fuck out. You can keep the Starbucks and all these fucking things right. All right. Switch over to solar power. I would do all of this on the same day, by the way, in my world, you can actually do this. Switch over to solar power. Take that lunatic over at Tesla. You know, the, he looks like the guy Ian McShane. If he had a nervous breakdown or so, I don't know what the fuck that fucking guy right.

I would just all electric all the fucking time. Right. I'd have a big campaign where I bring back the electric slide and everybody fucking enough mouth breathers would do it and they would get behind it. And then we're not no more money to the Middle East. All right, for oil, then they'd all go bankrupt. And the second we leave, they go back to kicking the shit out of each other. You know what I mean? The same way when Russia left Eastern Europe, everybody was happy for about three days. Then they all started killing each other again. They were like, oh yeah, where were we? That's right. God said we're better. Right. They just went right back to that shit. So you leave. Yeah, you got all the fucking solar power and all that fucking shit going on.

I don't know if you know about the Middle East Middle East always reminded me of there was used to be this store. In the South Shore Plaza that I used to go to before they did the remodel, you know, when it was all brown and 70s looking. I swear to God, I think the floor was made out of vinyl with some sort of rubber. Anyways, they used to have these little kiosks in the middle of all these big stores, almost like like little moons to these giant fucking planets of stores. And one of them was called Wixen sticks. And all they sold was candles. And even as a little kid, I was like, how are they staying open? Like that's all they sell. You know, if people ever stopped fucking or doing voodoo, like these people are going to be in trouble. So I look at like the Middle East like they're like a giant Wixen sticks.

Like where Wixen sticks just just sold candles, they're just selling oil. That's their main thing. If you stop buying their oil, they don't have any money. They don't have any money. They can't finance a fucking military. Right. Meanwhile, they can't have endangered species as pets. So that's a twofer right there. They slowly go out of fucking business. We're over here with our fucking, I don't know, fucking electric cars and shit. Not saying it's cleaner for the environment, but it gets you out of that shit. If elected tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen, I will, I will present a three day plan to get us out of the Middle East and off of oil that would be implemented immediately

despite the crushing effects on the economy. I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm just, I don't need somebody who is in fucking third rock from the sun. You know, talking about this, but you know, at the end of the day, I am not voting. I would have voted, but I'm just on the road. So what am I supposed to do? Well, Bill, you could apply for an absentee ballot. Well, I would, but the people that I vote for never win because they ain't the Democrats, they ain't the Republican party. I vote for those lunatics. Those people that are like, I don't know, man, if we voted for this guy and he got in, I don't know.

Either things would get better or everything would be on fire. Like those are the people that I vote for. So maybe I shouldn't vote. Maybe I'm one of those people. We'll be right back with podcast celebrities who don't vote. As a podcast celebrity, I just like saying that, that makes me feel important. Speaking of important, I have a couple of important announcements to make. I'm going to be at Madison Square Garden on Wednesday, the day after the election. I think I'm still going to be like telling people what they should vote for.

That's how full of myself I am the day after the election. You know what you should have done, you know, like somebody calls up a sports show the day after their team fucking loses. All right. Important announcement. My Patreon page, www.patreon.com slash burr five bucks a month. Every month you get two episodes of uninformed with me and old Joey roses. I got a, let's see, live from the live Monday morning podcast that I filmed. I did for a live studio on it.

Fuck it. We'll do it live in Phoenix. You can download that from the Patreon app to stream that and new uninformed episodes or download directly to your phone. I have behind the scenes at the forum behind the scenes backstage. I should say, and I have some helicopter video and I'm just going to keep adding to that every month. It's at www.patreon.com slash bar. That's it. What else do I have? I think that was it. Other than that, I went up and I visited my family back east and I went to the Patriots Green Bay Packers game.

Obviously was very excited with the outcome of that game. I was nervous because Aaron Rogers is such a fucking beast. And yeah, I was nervous about our defense against him and, you know, played a little Ben don't break in the red zone. He kind of had all day to pass for most of the game, but when it counted, we got in his fucking grill and made it happen. And I had great seats. You know, after telling Jimmy Kimmel that I sit up top with the fucking real people, I actually got into one of those boxes. I was sitting right in the front fucking row. They had the window open and shit. It was great.

It was like cold. But then when I walked into the back near the food, I was all warm like I was in somebody's living room. I got treated like an absolute king. So I want to thank the Patriots when we got the whole trip. I got to see the trophies. I got to talk to Andre Tippett. I mean, it was incredible. It was fucking incredible. And then I watched arguably two of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.

I mean, one of them is the greatest quarterback of all time. And then the other one, I don't know, you know, what are we going to put in? He's only halfway done. You know, he's just fucking kicking the shit out of everybody. He's on track, right? He's on track to be what? Top five ever? He's got to be. You know, I bet if he, if he wasn't doing what he was doing in Green Bay, you know, if he was doing it in a different city like New York, he'd probably already be there.

You got to work twice as hard. Twice as hard in Green Bay, I feel like. But can you imagine me in the greatest quarterback of all time and you're in Buffalo, New York, Green Bay, Wisconsin? Like how long would it take people to notice? We're taking collars. No, it was an amazing game. And that's maybe the third time I've seen Aaron Rodger play live. He just always, he's one of those guys where he starts to run and then he can throw the fucking ball.

You think, all right, he's going to run for like eight years. Ah, he just got 30 yards. Like how good he is at that is it's, it's like drives you up the fucking wall when you're watching your team because you're like tackling. Okay, they got him. Oh, he slipped away. Now he could tackle him before he gets the first death. Fuck! Throws it down the goddamn field.

I remember people like bitching at some of our cornerbacks. It's like, dude, that ain't them. They've been running around back there for like six seconds. Like something should have happened by now. They shouldn't still have to be covering a receiver. But anyways, I kind of called it before the game. I had a feeling Josh Gordon was going to have a breakout game, which I feel like he did. I couldn't tell and I wasn't watching any sort of broadcast.

Looks like he jammed his fingers or something on two plays in a row. He was looking at his hands. I hope he's all right. And then that Patterson dude just took over before the half. Just unstoppable. Just handing the ball off to him. This hybrid running back wide receiver. I mean, how perfect is that for Belichick's offense?

So here we go with six and two, but fucking Kansas City one again. So they're what this seven and one. I don't fucking know. I got a kid now. I have no idea. So as of right now, we would play Kansas City at home provided we got to the AFC championship game. And I tell you, that would be that'd be a tall order trying to beat those guys two times in one year. Once again, people freaking out about my homes.

He threw a ball like 90 yards. Oh, you mean like Doug Williams did 30 years ago? Sorry. I've never seen anything like this. All right. LSU versus Alabama. Oh, Jesus. Oh, that one hurt.

Oh, did that one hurt? I was like, Alabama hasn't fucking played anybody. Let's look at that fucking schedule, right? Because this is what I was doing. I was like, you know, something, even though our fucking best defensive player is going to be on the bench for the first fucking half, I feel like we're going to hang with them. Then the other kid comes in, maybe he can, you know, tip the scale in LSU's favor. That did not happen. Can I spell Alabama?

Alabama football schedule 2018. Let's listen to these powerhouses that Alabama has played. Mississippi State. That's not bad. Auburn. Oh, this is what they have left. I'm sorry. Sorry.

Hang on a second. Auburn. They play Auburn every day. Every fucking Thanksgiving bill. All right. They played Louisville 151 to 14. Then they played Mississippi. Then they played Louisiana Lafayette.

Then they played Missouri or whatever. I think I'm fucking up these. None of these teams are ranked. They played Arkansas State. They played Texas A&M, not Alabama's fault that Texas A&M is not good right now. Then they played Arkansas, not their fault. They played Tennessee. They played Missouri.

This is LSU's the first fucking ranked team they played all year. So I'm thinking like, well, they're finally fucking playing somebody. Let's see what happens. And they went in there and they just fucking kicked them right in the dick. I mean, it just offense couldn't do shit. The defense just dominated them. It's like they just stuck a rag in their mouth and fucking wrapped some duct tape right around them. And just repeatedly kicked them in the nuts slowly for four straight quarters.

29 to nothing. There was Alabama haters out there, you know? Yeah, they don't play shit, but it's not their fault. It's not their fault that everybody kind of sucks that they're playing. But then when they do play a number three team, they fucking destroyed them. So they got Mississippi State and then the biggest challenge of the year they play Citadel. And then they got Auburn. And then for some reason there's a game on the 1st of December.

They thought that that was their last one they're playing Georgia. So they got some teams coming up. Not really. But let's just say they'll be nice and rested for when they play for yet another championship. But you know, something as much as people bitch about that, you know, they're easy scheduled, then they get into the championship game and more times than not, they win, you know? As opposed to Ohio State, I remember a few years ago, they fucking, Penn State beat them straight up and then also won the Big Ten championships.

And for some reason Penn State didn't get in what Ohio State did. And then Ohio State went down and I got that fucking short shank down. I'm in way over my head right now. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. But I can just tell you as a podcast celebrity, your vote on who should be, who should make the NCAA college football playoff is extremely important. It's extremely important that this Saturday coming up is one of the most important Saturdays in college football history and who would know better than a celebrity podcaster?

Oh, that sounds better, doesn't it? I'm going to have to put that on my fucking... Can somebody put that on my Wikipedia page? Comedian actor celebrity podcaster. Please don't put that on there. Well, I've already said to do it, so now it's done. Anyways, so I'm hanging here in New York. I'm going to do my little tune-up show tonight, bounce around some clubs here in New York.

I'm looking forward to that. And then I got my big shoe on Wednesday. So I'm just sitting here. And then I got three shows in Chicago. I'm at the Chicago Theater on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. And then All Freckles is fucking done for the year. I'm done for the year. So, I mean, I got some local shows that I'm doing,

and I will not be doing shit again until I go out to Eastern Europe, which I already made fun of on this podcast. When are we announcing those dates? I don't know. I think I just picked the headshot they were going to use or something to that nature. So any day now. And oh, you know what? Fuck this.

I'm just going to tell you this. I'm going to tell you the fucking cities I'm going to be in, but I'm not going to tell you the dates. All I'm going to do is tell you that it fucking, it starts on, what is it? January 2nd. All right, here we go. Let's see if I can find it here. Oh, ho, ho, Billy.

When are you going to fucking Eastern Europe? Well, where the fuck are they? Well, that's not it. Oh, why is it a fucking motherfucker? Why aren't you showing me what the fuck I want? All right. You know what? I'm just going to put in Eastern Europe.

How about just Europe? Eastern Europe. Okay. All right. All right. I'm just going to, I'm going to be in Prague, Vienna, Berlin, Warsaw, Latvia. I mean, you know what it is, Lithuania, Estonia, Bulgaria, Cologne, Munich, Offenbach, Germany, Budapest, Hungary.

I might have read those kind of backwards. That's going to be from January 3rd until Sunday, January 13th, 10 days. And I'm bringing Paul Verzi with me. And he's going to go over there with his fucking blue Yankee hat and his fucking, dude, Eastern Europe, Jordan's sixes. Over, over. We, I'm actually, I came in town early because we had a surprise birthday party for Paul. And when I tell you, like, you know, when you go to those things and like the person's kind of

figured it out and then they try to act like the surprise and you know that they're not like Verzi legit had no fucking clue. He was coming down the stairs and I could tell the way he was talking. It was at this restaurant. The way he was talking to this guy, I was like, oh my God, this guy has like no clue. And then I was, I got like nervous for a second. Like, is he going to have like a fucking heart attack? What if he just breaks down and starts crying?

Like, I always tell you guys we're my friends. You know, it just gets really fucking awkward. I got, I got like really, I don't like doing that to people. You know what I mean? You know, let him know what's going on. He just came walk around the corner. We all just go surprise. And he did like a fucking double take, put his hand up to his face and then just walked out of the room for a second.

But it was funny. Everybody laughed and then he came back and oh my God, we had a great time. It's like this whiskey tasting thing. It was just amazing. It was fucking amazing. This guy was giving us all this whole fucking history lesson on whiskey to a bunch of comedians. So it's like we're in class with the subject we always wanted to take. But at the end of the day, we're all class clowns.

Everybody's trying to outdo each other. And this guy, Ethan, who did the tour, just handled it like a champ. You know, we gave him shit a little bit. He gave us shit back. It was just such a fucking great time. Then he had somebody like hand rolling cigars. It was really, it was amazing. And then I went up to the Patriots game.

You know, this is what it's like people to be a celebrity. All right, I must stop with that joke. All right. Anyways, so I'm back here in New York and I was watching today on ESPN. They said the Lakers hit a new low in the LeBron era. It's like he just fucking started. It seems like a month into it. Magic Johnson said they're on a two year plan.

The first year is going to be rough and then they're going to clear all this cap space and buy a bunch of people and make a run and fucking a golden state. I mean, the guy said that. He said that's what I'm going to do. I don't understand why ESPN is trying to make me act like this is like this big failure and Luke Walton needs to be fired. They said it's a two year plan. We're barely fucking not even two months into this.

Jesus Christ, he fucking ESPN. I swear to God, they're worse than CNN and Fox. So I don't watch any of those channels. I just tell me who won the game. Get me all fucking anxious. We had a meeting with Luke Walton. They said it wasn't, you know, it didn't concern his job, but could it bend his kidneys? Sorry.

Anyways, I actually been going to the gym out here in New York and, you know, I had a little bit of a setback with my shoulder and now I'm back. The person I was working with was telling me when I could do like 120 pounds, like 10 times on the lat pull down with the weight that I'm at, I could attempt to do a pull up. My shoulder would be, you know, one to three, which means I would just do one. And, you know, I took a few days off. I tried to come back where I left off. I was up to 110 pounds and I felt a little tweak.

I fucking stopped immediately, shut the whole thing down, iced my shoulder and I was fine. But I had to go back down to about 75 pounds. Just these fucking rotator cuffs. They're such, they're so delicate. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, like someone who's just a needy self-centered asshole like their group of friends. It's just like a, I don't know what their deal is. It's like this entourage of people.

Like that's kind of like what a, your rotator cuff is like that person. You know, if your shoulder muscles were a bunch of different people. Bill, what are you talking about? I don't know, I'm just trying to fill fucking time. Let me read some advertising here. How about that? Huh? Did I, did I copy and paste the advertising?

I don't think I did. I don't think I did. Here we go. My agent's probably going to give me shit for reading those fucking names of those cities. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I've been pre-hyping it for a while. By the way, that my Eastern European tour is going to be one of the most important stand-up tours. In the history of Eastern European stand-up tours by bald, red-headed males who grew up in Massachusetts, south of Boston.

All right. Oh, my bookie, everybody. Hey, sure, watch football's phone, but wouldn't you like to have a little bit of fucking action on it? But it's more entertaining when you have some action on the games. Guys, you've heard me talk about this for weeks, and some of you are still on the sideline. Like a bunch of Marys. Whether you're an expert or a rookie, you should be betting my bookie, that my bookie. If you're the kind of guy that likes to bet a little and win a lot, like playing the numbers on roulette, you can create a big parlay.

Pick three teams to win, and if you hit all three, you could turn $100 into 600 bucks. I never do the parlays. That's like fucking doing a murder with somebody else, you know? Somebody's going to rat somebody out. You know what I mean? I do individual bets. Anyways, there's so much to bet on. Playoff, baseball, basketball, hockey, primetime, fights, and more.

Also, make sure to follow Bet My Bookie on Twitter or Instagram. They personally respond to every mention in DM, not to mention they've given away nearly $10,000 in free money to their fellow, to their followers this football season. You'll be the first to know as soon as the odds and props are posted. Log on to My Bookie right now. Don't miss out on your last opportunity to collect the industry's biggest bonus. Use promo code BRR, and you'll get your first deposit matched 100%. That's promo code BRR.

You play, you win, you get paid. Or you lose, you pay, and maybe your girlfriend breaks up with you. Just giving you all the possibilities here. Jesus Christ, I don't read all this shit. Frame Bridge. If you've been listening to this show, you've heard me talk about Frame Bridge. The most important framed bridges tomorrow on Tuesday. They make it super easy and affordable to frame your favorite things from art.

I just immediately pictured somebody framing their dick for some reason. From art prints and posters to the travel photos sitting on your phone. Here's how it worked. Just go to framebridge.com and upload your photo. Or they'll send you packaging to safely mail in your physical pieces. Now we're back to dicks again. Preview your item online in any frame style. Choose your favorite or get free recommendations from their talented designers.

Your expert team at Frame Bridge will custom frame your item and deliver your finished piece directly to your door, ready to hang. Instead of the hundreds you'd pay at a framing store, their prices started just $39 and all the shipping is free. Plus my listeners will get 15% off their first order at framebridge.com. When they use my code BRR, get started today. Frame your photo or send the perfect gift for weddings, birthdays, and special events. Go to framebridge.com and use promo code BRR. You'll save an additional 15% off your first order. Just go to framebridge.com, promo code BRR.

Hey! Framebridge.com, promo code BRR. Alright, there's three left. Let's take a break here. Shall we from reading? My fucking eyes hurt. Let me see. Feminist, cheerleaders.

When we were saying that they have a problem with cheerleaders, should we let our girls be cheerleaders? Is it time to rethink the rules for NFL cheerleaders? Okay, let's see what the fucking problem is. What is the problem now? Okay, 40 years ago this month, a visitor at the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading Trials described a scene that was, quote, as tense as an open casting call for a Broadway production with 150 women, the most envied, celebrated, and sought after in the country, shivering in an overly air conditioned room. Aw, that's like being backstage at Letterman.

It was fucking freezing. The women spoke of starvation diets that had lasted for weeks. This sounds like when you've got a movie premiere coming up. The visitor, a New York Times reporter, noted that the cheerleaders were paid next to nothing, $15 a game. They had stringent practice schedules as much as five hours a night, five nights a week. The only thing I agree with is how little they pay. They should pay more. And they could not appear where alcohol was served,

attend parties of any sort, or wear jewelry with the uniforms. A cowboy cheerleader above all else is beautiful, the article said, at a time when the squad was perhaps the most iconic such case. So what is the fucking problem? Four decades later, the world may have changed, but the rules of professional cheerleading appear to be essentially the same. No, these people, they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. The cheerleaders, they used to lead cheers before there was diamond, the big fucking, whatever you call them, the big fucking flat screens and all the music.

Go, go shorty and all that shit, you know, everybody clap your hands before all of that shit. They would lead people in chairs. But then what it became obsolete. So now what they really are is they're just sort of dance teams. And then when there's a stop at your play, they come out. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, bring it down. Right. They just do some, they just do some shit.

This is just once again, I swear to God, this is just, this is just fucking. I'm telling you, like the women who are going to complain about this, no one's going to ask you to be a cheerleader. This is like me being concerned with the models at copper tone. Being like, are they being, you know, tanning is not the most healthiest thing. And in the end it's really, I'm just jealous because I don't have any pigment and look, according to the internet, like a mongoloid. Is it time to rethink this?

I don't think I've ever seen with all of the true huge fucking gigantic fucking problems out there. I don't think I've ever seen a time where just like the most frivolous shit gets gets bumped all the way up to the top. It's like all those fucking assholes that somehow board the plane before group one. What are you just looking at? How the fuck did that person get on? Two people today got on, not veterans, no kids, not limping.

Somehow got on before everybody else. It's just like, what the fuck did they do? And my buddy just sent me something. This is going to be the new scam in aviation is everybody just paying money and extra shit just to be able to get on that fucking plane first. My buddies, Dean Delray sent me this thing. It's like five grand a year, five fucking grand a year. You go to your own private terminal at LAX and then they take you right to the plane

and you get on first. So, you know what? I decided I was like, you know what? I'm just going to pack less. I'm going to be old Billy backpack. And my backpack will fit right underneath my fucking chair. And then you guys and anybody else wants to fucking, you know, sit there like a bunch of fucking hyenas trying to get the spoils of a lion's kill.

I'm not fucking doing it. All right. I'm going to fucking hang back and be like, all right. All you fucking I quit. Okay. I did it the right way. I started in the back of the plane. I worked my way up.

I was promised a gold watch and the gold watch was that I was going to get on first. It just doesn't fucking exist anymore. Anyways, what is what the fuck was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So there's all these like actually like, so you know, it's funny. I just, I just did what these feminists are doing, right? Rather than dealing with overpopulation, climate change, fucking deregulated banks, we're going to tackle cheerleading.

Why? Because it affects me. And I love that I went on that fucking rant about people getting on the plane first because I just showed them just as fucking bad as they are, you know? So God bless them. Let them bitch about a fucking job. They're never going to be offered. How fucking fully yourself are you?

Should I let my daughter cheerlead? Well, is she good looking enough? Should I let my son be the head of the math team? Well, did your son get your fucking? I'm actually making fun of myself here. You're fucking, you know, should I let my kid read out loud on the radio? No, Bill. For the love of God, no.

Anyways, policy genius, everybody. That was just a little break. That's what feminists are concerned about now. Cheerleading. Hey, there's a swirl of trash two times the size of Texas, two miles deep out in the Pacific Ocean. I don't give a fuck. I'm full of pom poms. I don't give a shit.

Let's talk about cheerleading. All right, policy genius. Life insurance isn't the most enjoyable thing to think about. Most people don't like thinking about dying. I can tell you right now, I got a life insurance policy and now all of a sudden I, you know, how is it going to weight off my chest? It's like I can fucking leave now and nobody's going to have a problem. And I'm not talking about dying.

I'm talking about going out, getting a pack of smokes and never coming back. But actually having life insurance is a really good feeling. As I just said, I literally feel like I could have banded my family. Like that's how relieved I am that I have life insurance. It's nice to know that if anything were to happen to you, immediately picture the piano. Did anybody ever bring a piano up with a fucking rope? Did that really happen? And why would somebody walk underneath it?

Anything happen to you, your family won't have to start a GoFundMe to stay afloat. Well, here's my question. What happens if something happens to my family? What about the guy here? Huh? When do I get to fucking put my feet up? Motivate your audience. Talk about your experience with the product slash service.

Choose one to two copy points to rotate into your spot. Well, I already told you how much I like life insurance. I just did it before you guys advertised here, so I didn't use Policy Genius. But you know, had I known that there was a Policy Genius out there, I would have used it and would have saved myself a fucking small fortune. Right? My loved ones would be in caviar rather than tuna fish. Policy Genius is the easiest way to get life insurance online.

In just two minutes, you can compare quotes from the top insurers to find the best policy for you. And when you compare quotes, you save money. It's that simple. Policy Genius has helped over four million people shop for insurance and placed over $20 billion in coverage. And they don't just make life insurance easy. They also compare disability insurance, auto insurance, and home insurance. If you care about it, they cover it.

Call to action. Well, if you've been avoiding getting life insurance because it's difficult or confusing, I don't get it, man. Give Policy Genius a try. Just go to policygenius.com for all you dummies out there. That's P-O-L-I-C-Y-G-E-N-I-U-S. Genius is such a hard word to spell, isn't it? Get your quotes and apply in minutes.

You can do the whole thing on your phone right now. Policy Genius, the easy way to compare and buy life insurance. The whole time, I was just thinking about the fucking cheerleader thing. I had to starve myself and everything. You mean make sacrifices? Well, get a fucking nutritionist. You don't have to starve. You just have to eat foods that fuel your body.

Yeah, if you consider star... I like how... Have you ever seen real starving people with their distended bellies and you can count their fucking rib cage? Lionel Hampton could come over and play a fucking song on their goddamn torso. That's starving. All right? These poor women starve themselves.

The air conditioning is turned on too low. Just imagine living in some fucking war-torn country and listening to that fucking argument. I think one of the biggest problems facing women today is the question of cheerleading. All right, Helix, everybody. Helix? You ever wake up in the morning?

Well, do you? With regrets of what you've done? Jesus Christ, tell-tale heart. Is your roommate buried underneath your floorboards and your best friend dad the cop is coming over? Replaying the terrible decisions you've made the previous night over and over and over? Jesus Christ, yes.

The kicking, sweating, yelling or whatever she did to piss off everyone in the bedroom. Guess what, bud? Deciding to sleep on a shitty mattress is your choice. Um... Wait a second. Are you telling me if I have a nice mattress I won't regret decisions I made as a younger man? This might be the greatest sales pitch I've ever heard in my life. What else can it do?

Are you sick of your dick staring down at your ball bag when you wake up in the morning? Would it be great if it was fucking pointing at the ceiling? Is it to say there's a fucking raccoon up there? Be careful. Um... Anyways, where the hell am I here? Deciding to sleep on a shitty mattress is your choice. But Bill, buying a mattress is so hard.

Where would I ever begin? Well, you're in luck, buddy, because Helix sleep. The mattress I've been yelling at you to buy for almost two years will change your life. Go to helixsleep.com slash bird, take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to the perfect mattress. What kind of a creep reads other people's sleep quiz? Are you naked when you sleep? Oh, yeah.

Jesus, where the tops and the bottoms? Um, it's like Tinder for them, for finding a mattress. All the fun with none of the next morning regrets and misery. And right now you can get up to $1.25 off your mattress order at helixsleep.com slash bird. They have a $100 night trial, free shipping, and won't send you creepy next-day texts. That's helixsleep.com slash bird for up to $125 off your mattress order. Oh, lastly, but certainly not leastly.

Certainly not leastly, stamps.com. Stamps.com never closes. Print postage for letters or packages at your convenience 24-7. Print postage for an e-mail class right from your own computer. The exact amount of postage every time. Never underpay or overpay. Did I ever tell you guys I majored in communications? Let me try my broadcasting before you start.

Here we go. Stamps.com saves you time and money, which you can use to grow your business. Stamps.com brings all the amazing services of the U.S. Post Office right to your fingertips. Shit! Buy and print your official U.S. postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail using your own computer or printer. Stamps.com makes it so easy. Even your stupid kid can do it.

They'll send you a digital scale, automatically calculates the exact postage. Stamps.com will even help you decide the best class of mail based on your needs. You can even take your daughter and put her on the scale and weigh her just to see if she's light enough to be a cheerleader. No need to lease an expensive postage meter. And there are no long-term commitments. And right now, you too can enjoy the Stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale.

Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in burr at Stamps.com, enter burr. There we go. Now let's get on to the questions for this week. Question number one. Am I too fat to be a cheerleader? If I continue to take it in the face, will that extra protein make me beautiful enough? These are the hard-hitting questions in cheerleading.

All right. Paul Verzi special. Hey Bill, I just watched the Paul Verzi special and just wanted to thank you for promoting it. Look at that. It was hilarious and I can't wait for the next All Things Comedy special on Comedy Central. Keep up the great podcast, Eumaniac. Oh yeah. Paul Verzi special did very, very, very well.

So I want to thank everybody for watching that. Verzi is V-I-R-Z-I. I'm sure they got it streaming on their website. You know, those guys, everybody knows what they're doing over at Comedy Central. And Paul's just the first. We've got three more specials coming. And we're picking all comics that other comics like. And I'm very proud of the group that we have coming.

I'm not allowed to say who they are when I can. I will. All right. Advice for Olive Oil. Olive Oil. Number one, Bonito Billy. I'm another 22 year old lady and long-term lover of the podcast and truly all of your work to be honest. As an Amazonian myself, just shy of six feet.

Oh, this is for that woman who wrote in Olive Oil. I wanted to reach out and offer some advice to my girl Olive Oil from last week. I co-signed everything you said about loving yourself and some guy will love you just the way you are. But I just wanted to put my two sense of advice in as well. Joe, Jesus, get on with it there. Which is lift some weights, girl. Thankfully, my prayers were answered around the time I reached adulthood in the form of a nice little waist to hip ratio and some chest. I praise God, but I was never satisfied with my rear end until I met my husband, who was jacked.

And he introduced me to pumping iron and iron and Schwarzenegger. Bless his heart, taught me how to sculpt an ass out of muscle. I suggest she watches that movie, starts with the basic. No supplements except creatine, weight gainer and coffee. Don't waste money on any of the bullshit GNC concoctions. Find some heavy stuff to lift in the following ways. Squat, bench, deadlift. Now she will get so much self-confidence out of becoming stronger than she has ever been.

I would just say get a personal trainer too, so you're doing all of this right, you don't fuck up your back. And with the endorphins from exercise plus the changes in her body, adding mass, I really think she will love it. Number two, the tall skinny girl. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is this doing here? I don't want to update now. Clicking no, sorry. Number two, the tall skinny girl who wrote in should move to New York and be worshipped. I feel for her though, because people used to tell me stuff like that to my face all the time. They were just telling me, calling you a stretch, you know, well, type of shit, you know, eight foot whore, whatever they say to tall women.

I don't remember, it's been a long time since I've been to school. 100% of those people who said that to me 10 years ago are now pretty chubby at 30. While I look like the same slash better than I did at 20. My boyfriend says I'm a 10 and he's a catch and a half. I just looked up Gigi Hadid's numbers, 510 and a half tall, 130 pounds, almost the exact same as this girl's. She should also look into squats, leg lifts and protein. Thanks to go fuck yourself. So I think what she did was she embraced her body and made it the best she could, she could be. I think that's all great advice. Olive oil, I hope you're listening.

All right, but only thing I would add to that is just make sure you get a personal trainer, get a nutritionist and all that stuff. And they have the answers rather than fucking looking at the dope next to you being like, what are those? Nosebreakers? For your tries? Oh, fucking, I'll just do that. Alexa at my hospital. Oh, Jesus. Dear Bill, I work in a medical center that is very up to date with technology in Beverly Hills that I will not name. My work involves me visiting patients at their bed sides. I walked into one of my patients room to find Alexa mounted on the wall with an example question typed up on a piece of paper. Alexa, call my nurse. My reaction was she has a big fucking emoji. Looks like a smiley face.

Are you freaking out? Is that a freaking out smiley face? I don't know. And I asked the RN, that's registered nurse. We have Alexa now. As soon as I said Alexa, it lit up with that creepy blue ring waiting for me to give it a command. I have no idea why patients need that in their room because patients have remotes that call the nurse station. Yeah, because it's spying on you. That also controls the TVs. I merely thought of you and chuckled love your work and I agree a lot with you. Lady M.D. See that the smart ladies go with old freckles and you should go with old freckles. A celebrity podcast podcaster this Tuesday in the voting booth.

I say you vote for me. Me. Me. Me. Yeah. Yeah. P.S. I saw the McRib advertised recently must be voting season again. Hilarious. Yeah, that's all creepy. You know, I flew in and out of Boston from Newark Airport and they had this magazine. This is tribute to Bert Reynolds. So it's like, you know, I, you know, it was great. His movies, his stunts, the women he loved. I got to read this fucking Bert Reynolds. They're not going to make another guy like this. And I go, I pick up the magazine. I'm looking around. There's nobody there. So I walk over to the restaurant. I go, where do I pay for this? And the lady just goes, oh, at the self checkout right over there, sweetheart.

And she points over to where there had to have been five million fucking things. So I just said, oh, okay, it's right over there. Oh, okay. Well, thank you, sweetheart. And I just walked over to the rack and I fucking put it back in. I'm not doing it. I'm not fucking doing it. That's another thing too. I fucking refuse to be my own cashier. Drawing a line of sand. I will, I will fucking eat a goddamn Thanksgiving meal before I go to the fucking airport. I'll bring my readers digest. I'm going to be that old guy. I don't like new things. And you know what? No one's going to care, Bill. Nobody's going to care. So just learn how to check yourself out in the mirror. No, silly at a store.

All right. My wife cheated on me by downloading Tinder and sending nudes. Hey, Billy Balls been listening to your podcast for a few years now. And you're, see, this is somebody who never would have cheated in the past. They just were around a computer too long. I'm telling you, it's like just having heroin sitting on your table. Eventually you're going to do something dumb. Anyways, I've been listening to your podcast for a few years now and your advice always makes me laugh in hard times. Here's something that just happened to me this past week. I was hoping you could help me out with. I got married Memorial Day irony of this year. My wife has been acting really distanced lately and on Sunday I asked her if she was seeing anyone.

She told me no. I've known this girl for four years now and I knew she was lying. Wow, dude, great instincts. You guys just got married in May. This is five months later. It's gone. This has gotten this bad. When I asked to look at her phone, she quickly deleted something and refused to let me see your phone. Physically attacking and scratching to keep me from seeing it. She then admitted to downloading Tinder about two weeks ago and has been taking talking to a guy and send him some pictures claiming to never have met him. And I believe her. I've been struggling these last few days with a lot of emotions. It's only five months into the marriage. Is it best to look at getting a divorce?

It would take a lot of time to forget about what she did, especially since I will never really know what transpired. Saw you in AC and loved it. Thanks to go fuck yourself. Yeah, dude, you're five months in. Look, if you were like 10 years in, you're going through a rocky period. I don't know. You have a couple of kids. It's something you work out, maybe. But yeah, this just seems like if this is happening this early on, I don't think she wanted to marry. That's what I would or doesn't want to be married. Or I don't know what or sabotage in the whole thing. And at that point it's like, well, hey, here's kudos to you because you did it. Yeah, I would get the fuck out of that. Yeah, I mean, as a kid, did you drink this up?

Was that your dream woman? Five months in sending her a fucking hoo-ha over to some, I don't think it is. Yeah, I would get the fuck out of that. You know, that's a match that she also like physically attacked you too. So I mean, I don't know. I don't know. That's got this. There's a lot of that sounds like the beginning of one of those. They appear to be a happily married couple. Occasionally he would show it up with odd scratches and bruises, but he quickly explained it away saying he was working on his car. Then one day he didn't show up for Thanksgiving. His wife had recently been digging a well in the backyard. All right, hate fat people. Oh, Jesus.

Dear Billy Bitty balls. Billy Bitty balls. Oh, Billy Bitty balls. What's the matter? I'm a 20 year old sophomore in college and I have a dilemma. Like the subject says, fat people really just disgust me. Oh, the subject hate fat people. All right. There are too many examples to name, but one that really gets me is this lady in my math class who sits next to me and will randomly start smacking her lips and making this. He spelled it M-E-H-E-M, bam, noise.

She's doing that. Maybe she's thinking about food. I don't know. There is also this guy in my hall who shits literally three times a day. He must be wrapping his pizza in kale or something because I see him go to his room with pounds of food at a time. My dislike isn't anything malicious and I just can't help it, but I am just stuck between a rock and a squishy place and surrounded on all sides by the fatties. I know this does not seem like a big, that big of a deal, but I have a bit of a temper and I'm afraid I'm going to say something to one of the fatties and get title nine right out of my school. Do you have any tips to become a bit more tolerant?

Love the podcast. Congrats on your role in Front Runner. You should grow that mustache and keep it and go fuck yourself. I did grow that mustache. I grew that mustache when I played the cop way back on Chappelle's show. Let's see here. I would just make a joke out of it. How well do you know the guy who's always disappearing? I would give him a sumo wrestler name. Now you can't do that. That's me. I don't know. Yeah, I know. It's like, yeah. You're supposed to be tolerant, but they just continue to eat and they make weird noises and they smell

and you're supposed to just sit next to them and be like, well, I feel bad for them. They have a fucking problem. It's hard to feel bad for someone that is gluttonous, I guess. But that's just the way I'm wired. All of these fucking addicts and all these goddamn people, I don't know. Once you live with the fucking addict, you don't have a lot of patience from it. I don't really know what you're asking me, sir. I understand what you're saying. I would just find somebody else in shape and I would just together just make fun of them without them being able to hear it. Most of the time they're chewing anyway, so it drowns out their hearing, so I think you'll be all right.

I would just make jokes like that. Other than that, what are you supposed to do? You know, I don't know. Sing songs when they go by. That'd be funny if you just snapped. Like, Jesus Christ, again? How fat are you trying to fucking get? You can't do any of that. And the thing is, is you're not really helping them. You shouldn't fat shame people, but it's also like, you know what I mean? There's a little bit of arsenic and an apple, but it's still good for you. Yeah, if you could have the same level of arsenic that's in an apple, if you could have that level of shaming at fat people, I think it would help them out a little bit.

Why don't you tie one of them to your bumper and drag them to the gym? I don't know. I don't have the answers here. Recipe for vegetable lasagna. I have no fucking idea why I'm getting this. Speaking of which, I have not been eating well. I consider myself a fat fuck right now. And I'm a self-contained unit. I will fat shame myself. Oh, you guys can do it too. I always enjoy that. All right, recipe for vegetable lasagna.

Dear Bill, I was recently listening to an old podcast where you and Neil were talking about a Thanksgiving. Oh, God, yes. Well, you made a shitty vegetarian lasagna with carrots in it. It was horrible. Oh, my God, it was one of the worst Thanksgiving's ever. Made me think of a great broccoli lasagna recipe that my real mate and I would cook. And I would cook. He's half Italian from Sicily. Well, those guys don't consider themselves Italian. They consider themselves Sicilian. And the recipe is from his Italian grandmother. So, you know, it's going to be some good shit.

This isn't healthy at all. It's rich in creamy and absolutely fucking delicious as a lasagna should be. Also, it's super easy. I can't remember the exact measurements for each thing, but I'm going to try anyways. Oh, you're protecting the recipe. Well, he gave me was the fucking ingredients. What is this? A cooking show? 700 grams of broccoli, Florence. Flour, butter and milk for the Beckham L sauce.

Look up a basic lasagna recipe for Beckham B C H A M E L. An amount of lasagna sheets, a few cloves of garlic, chopped olive oil, fresh mozzarella. A tablespoon of pesto, depending on how much Beckham L you make. Well, it seems pretty simple, like all great Italian dishes. All right, I'm not going to read all of this shit. Cut up the broccoli. All right, I don't know. Somebody can figure that fucking shit out. Anyways, if I've done an hour, I think I have.

All right, that's the podcast. I don't know who's playing Monday night football tonight, but I got to do some spots tonight and tomorrow to make sure I'm ready for Tuesday and into this weekend. And I'm actually going to do something that all old men like to do. I'm going to take a fucking nap. I can't wait. And you guys, you have no idea how difficult it is to be me, you know, dealing with hard hitting problems like cheerleading. Should we let women cheerlead? I love how they're cheerleading five feet away from guys who are literally doing irreparable brain damage to themselves.

Most of whom, you know, when they get to a certain point, either go crazy or kill themselves. But let's not focus on that. Anyways, that's the podcast, everybody. I'll check it on you on Thursday. And I don't know what. I guess now I'm down to watching. I'm going to start watching the Celtics and the Bruins now when I get fucking home to my my. What a center rice package and whatever they call the basketball one, the NBA hardcore package.

I don't know what the fuck it is is packaged to is that micro aggressive. My center rice vagina. Is that what you're supposed to say? I have no idea. All right, go fuck yourselves. Please, everybody, just just for me and my celebrity podcasting ego. Could you just get out there and vote because tomorrow is really, really important. All right, go fuck yourselves.

We'll talk to you Thursday. Hey, but summer is ciclera. Better for the nature and for us. All my campaign in summer working with the Ovan.