Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-6-17

Episode Date: November 6, 2017

Bill rambles about Milwaukee, electrolytes and being full of shit.

Even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years with the metaverse students will be able to go back to the ice age to visit them The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact Hey, what's going on is Bill Bernstein for the Monday morning podcast for Monday November 6 2017. What's going on? How are you? How are you doing? No, really seriously, are you okay? I've been thinking about you It's anything worse when you don't want someone to like you know If you don't want to talk about your fucking troubles, and then there's that overly caring person in your life that notices them And yet they're like, you know, what's what's going on? I'm cool. I'm good. I'm good. No, seriously. You seem there's

I'm just picking up something on your energy. What do you mean fucking Star Trek? Yeah, you read my mind, you know, I mean, you're right. I Don't need you as a non fucking Psychiatrist walking around my brain Everybody thinks they're fucking qualified because they watched a couple episodes of Dr. Phil and he makes it look so easy For the simple fact that the man does not give a shit Okay, he's there for one Reason only. All right, it's for the who is after the show

You know, that's why he has that fucking angry. You ever seen a guy Helping more people with such like a fucking angry look on his face You know, I got the chief's fucking Cowboys game on in the background How many times does the special team fuck up a free lunch when the puncher kicks it right down to the one-yard line? And they're just the worst The guy fucking did it so everybody wants to be the guy that does it and then they fucking fumbled the ball into the end zone And what happens, huh? The punter takes the hit and rather than him having a 41-yard fucking average for the game

It moves down to 38 right and the second they see that three all of a sudden they want to move you to another team Nobody nobody ever looks at the nameless cunts that run down the fucking field the wedge breakers all of them, right? The guys that nobody has talked about since John Madden stop announcing games. They go down there and consistently fuck that play up This has nothing to do with NFL special teams. This has nothing to do with people asking me. How are you doing? Is everything good you look good, but I sense a sadness It's just like can you just Can you just fucking let me sit here

Yeah, right Wait, I'm ready to talk about this It's like this isn't yours to talk about right Anyways, um Can I say anyways one more fucking time My last podcast I left you I was at the surf ballroom Right Chantilly lace and a pretty face a pony tail

Hanging down a wiggle and a walk and a giggle in the door. I was there make the world go Wow, wow, wow and The next day I was flying Air Choice one To Chicago and then I was taking another puddle jumper up to What the hell was it Milwaukee right So me and Dean del Rey we show up. We had like the greatest fucking night ever We stayed at this hotel that was designed by Frank Lloyd Webber

amazing hotel So we drive up to the airport the airport the Mason City Airport. It's just a great one Greatest thing ever. I'm gonna upload some pictures you walk in this. There's probably 12 chairs for people in the waiting room You go through this little security area. I love little airports little mom-and-pop airports I get up there Dean checks in all good. I go to check in. I'm on the 925 Island in Chicago. Oh, here. I have a little loafer, you know a little layover and then I'm gonna go up to Then I'm gonna go up to the you know up to Milwaukee, right? for my seven

What I thought was a 730 show turned out it was a seven So I get in there and the lady behind the counter goes You're not flying until 525 and I was like that is impossible. I Won't be in you know, I won't be in Milwaukee in time for my show She goes well according to this you're on the 525. I go. All right. Well, is there room on the 925? So I can switch flights. She goes. No, I'm sorry. That's sold out. So immediately, you know me with my temper I go. Oh, so what so what that one sold out So you bumped me to the next flight and she just she just stuck her hand out

Like when your dad used to say cool it, right? She just stuck her hand out. She just goes hey, we don't do that here right Starts fucking give me shit back and start saying that I screwed up. I mean like what do you mean ice? How do you know I screw I got a confirmation number I got all this type of stuff and she goes we don't do that there go Okay, so you guys never mess up you never mess up. This is on me My travel agent never screws up, right? We're going back and forth back and forth and she starts fucking yelling at me

And I'm you know, I'm keeping my voice. I'm definitely, you know Definitely on my toes, but I'm not yelling but she's yelling at me or raising her voice And finally I just said to her I said lady, why are you yelling at me? Okay, I'm the one who's getting screwed here Your shift ends at whatever time it ends. It's no skin off your back. I'm not yelling. I'm not swearing. Why are you swearing? Right? I'm not yelling. Why are you yelling at me? She got all fucking pissed and I was just like Jesus Christ. I thought people were friendly in Iowa. That's what I heard, right? So

Now I have to get a fucking rental car And I have to drive from Clearlake, you know, I called my people up. Uh, Bob, Bob every's trying to figure out what the fuck's going on So now I gotta rent I gotta rent a goddamn car in Clearlake, Iowa And I have to drive from Clearlake, Iowa all the way to Milwaukee Which is going to be nothing but fucking cow pastures You know what I mean? I'll tell you what's amazing is that anybody could crash and die In Iowa

That's what I took away from this fucking drive Because all I see is it's just a giant. It's just a giant field You know Sorry anyways So I call it my travel agent we go to fucking figure out. I don't know what I don't know what happened But it turns out it was somewhere on my end somebody fucked up So I walked up to the lady And I said listen, I apologize

I actually apologized to what I just said. It was it was somebody on my end Where can I get the rental car and then I just had to fucking deal with that shit And the stupid thing said it was a five hour something minute drive and I just got in the fucking car And drove like 80 85 the entire way I averaged 79 miles an hour That was with no stops no no getting gas But you know whenever a truck gets in the left lane and tries to pass up a hill That fucks the next 20 minutes of your life out, you know

But uh anyways ended up making it there my apologies to the lady You know who could have been a little nicer You know, I think I brought it out of her. All right, but I will tell you this okay You know People tell me how friendly everybody is in Iowa. I'm telling until you question What it is they're doing then all of a sudden they get their backs up or I met one of the few angry people out there I don't know slip knots from Iowa That's not exactly happy-go-lucky music is it?

um So I fucking drove All the way into milwaukee like a maniac Because I wanted to get to my favorite hotel in the united states of america Uh, which is the fister hotel. I swear to god, it's called the fister It's the last name of this family it's spelled p f i s t e r if you are ever In milwaukee that is where you stay you stay at the fister

All right, it was guido fister had the idea for it and his kid Came through with it. You know, this was the 1800s when his last name was fister. All right Somehow they said they were german, but his first name is guido I mean is it feister All I know it's as far as I know I think fisting had died down in the 1800s so you could have that as a uh a last name, but I I believe enrollment times According to like movies movies like calliglia

That was going on but now with all the sexual harassment and evidently all these fucking lunatic perverts slash rapists Um in hollywood, I love that they're acting like this is specific to hollywood That's something they do all the time like if there's like an nfl player that gets busted for domestic violence They go what is with these athletes beating women and it's like it it's it's that's not it This is just a microcosm of the It's just a little sample Of humanity

I would I would actually willing to be willing to bet that there's just as many plumbers out there That get accused of domestic violence as football players or whatever. It's just that plumbers don't sell out football stadiums There's not a giant plumber stadium to see You know a first ballad hall of fame plumber plumber sink So nobody pays attention so everybody gets to act like oh, it's it's going on. It's in hollywood It's it's it's over here like they always notice what people on television are doing, you know I mean look at bill clinton. I mean, you know, okay, this guy comes on a fucking fern He's blowing a load on a dress which is standard. I guess that's more that's more pedestrian

Place for your jizz to end up, you know, if you're going to sit there in court You know and your lawyer is going to be going all right. This is going to be a little bit of an embarrassing day for you there, buddy They're going to bring your jizz in And you know, but it's on a dress. So uh, I'm willing to bet that a number of people You know that are in the jury at some point have spludged on a dress You know at very least one of their own t-shirts You know, let's not forget about tube socks, but that you know, that goes without saying right It's but then, you know, if you're on trial and you you did it into a plant

You know, that's a little weird A plant is different than you know, if you're fucked outside because then you're just outside But a plant is just really specific Yeah, I thought hollywood was green. I thought they gave a shit about the environment. Anyways, um I don't know what the fuck i'm talking about. So Yeah, it's it's an unbelievable like this fucking hotel. You could have shot the shining in there I mean that in a good way not in the creepy way because as creepy as that movie is that is a beautiful hotel and

it's basically I'll Upload some pictures of that too, but it's like literally something that stanley kubrick could have filmed one of his masterpieces in and uh, also They have the greatest sickest death-defying steam room In the country, I know all this is really starting bad fisters steam room Trust me. It's all above board. Uh, it's just

If you go there, this is how it works The steam comes on for seven minutes You're gonna be in there either for 20 minutes or a half hour if you get the half hour one it comes on for seven minutes Okay, and it's literally like a steam pipe broke And uh, I had to get underneath the towel Because what you want to do is just let all that steam come in you got to tough it out for seven minutes All right, because it's not going to come on again until the final seven If you got the 30 minute one 20 minutes it never comes on again

So as hot as it gets you got to know that that steam has to last for the entire time that you're in there And there's a shower it's like you got your own private place and there's a shower down the end of it So This the first day I went in there I fucking I opened the window a little bit because I couldn't take it anymore And then I closed it when it started to die down I realized I let all the steam out and then four minutes later It was borderline chilly in there. So I was like fuck. I screwed it up. All right. So tomorrow when I get there

I'm just gonna tough this shit out, right? And I was under a towel Like four and a half minutes in literally going Fuck Fuck and I just couldn't take it anymore. So I was like don't open the window Run to the other side and turn on the shower, right? It's like an overhead shower and you have it on cold and I went over there and it was like half a degree Not as hot like the steam I ran by the steam thing and now my fucking legs felt like I actually understand now What it feels like

Initially when you're on fire because you know what you want to do But you can't do it because you're too busy hopping up and down. So I'm literally hopping up and down With an in I want to turn on the shower But I I had to like I was reacting to the pangol. Ah, ah, fuck. Ah, fuck. Eh, fuck. And the handle was right there And I just kept reaching down patting at my legs rather than just reaching over and turning on the the thing So finally I had to block out the pain For like 0.2 seconds reach over and turn on the fucking thing and of course the last person that was in there

Left it on hot after, you know, the steam was over and they took a hot shower. So it came out hot and I was like Fuck fuck fuck Turn it back down To get it down to cold And I just stood there for the final three and a half minutes Dude, it is no joke and uh

The half hour was done like I walked out of that thing And I was like breathing heavy. I was coming out like Like coming out. I was fucking all red, right? So I go out into the way, you know, then you you cool off for like 50 minutes And you're just sitting there and you aren't you're not thinking about anything You're just sitting there totally relaxed. You feel fucking amazing um While in the back of your head going like, uh, you know, I don't know if that was healthy or not, right?

so Then I go out of the steam room right the lady comes back and gets you and um I go to the waiting room and Bartnick is already there And he just looks at me and he starts laughing right because I'm all fucking red. I got the shaved head He goes dude, you look like the flash Which is hilarious because when I looked at myself in the mirror I mumbled out loud like I look like If hellboy and jason vorhees had a kid is that the name of the guy from fucking

friday the 13th Uh, when he you know when he comes up out of the lake now when he pulls the mask up, right? I'm not that ugly, but I'm just saying um And we just sat there just like drinking water and everything and um You know, I got to be honest with you two days in a row at doing that the next night I had two shows at the riverside theater

Just a magical fucking place that is And the the comedy crowds in milwaukie are there they're unbelievable. I cannot say enough good things about that city It might be my favorite city in the country And uh I had two shows and like After I got three quarters way through my first show And I was feeling like dehydrated like I was like after two days of that level of intensity I was like, uh, I really should have crushed a bunch of waters here

You know verzi told me drank a gatorade and was talking about electrolytes, you know He's like you got to do that get the electrolytes going and I vaguely remember seeing on the internet that electrolytes really isn't a thing That's just something that gatorade came up with so let me look this up I mean, I don't want to challenge paul verzi's medical degree but um I don't know if electrolytes is electrolytes a thing here are electrolytes

But I have fucked you what there's a y in there There it is our electrolytes real All right Now there's all kinds of electrolytes, but the most important ones are sodium chloride potassium Oh, they are real I thought that that was like something like you know rather than when it's not a diamond. They call it a diamel You know genuine diamels like what the fuck is a diamel? Well, it's like a diamond except it's not worth anything Oh, I'd like one of those

I thought an electrolyte is What the f is an electrolyte Is gatorade the real deal? All right, everybody loves gatorade. So let's talk about if it's fluff or actually good for you All you hear about is rehydrate this and electrolyte that is it for real your body has a balance And has an ionic solution boring term. Don't worry about it. I want to know what it is Has an eye has wait and has ionic solutions called electrolytes that keep your body muscles and nerves functioning properly your kidneys exist to help

Keep your body in balance by regulating the fluids and electrolytes in your body. Yeah, they filter They filter the fluids in your body, right? I thought it was just literally the liquids that you ingest Isn't it unbelievable that I don't know how the fucking body works. I mean, not that you guys think I'm smart I know, you know that I'm dumb, but you would think that if you would know how that would work, right? Your kidneys make Oh god, I hate this word your kidneys make pee I hate when adults say pee unless they're talking to a child like do you have to go pee pee? When adult says I have to pee I I can't handle it

All right, I got to go to the bathroom. Just say that All right, your kidneys make you know piss. That's disgusting. Now piss is piss is crass P is like, you know, you got to walk it off when an adult says that to you You know if you have a guy say that to you Hey, can you pull over here? I have to pee I mean he might as well have just given you like a back rub Maybe it's not that bad anyways, they basically filter your blood So you can get rid of waste products like urea and ammonia

Ammonia somebody trying to kill me the fuck that I get some ammonia I really need to know how this shit works. Should I as I'm heading into my 50s by the way Drive for my 50s. I'm not going to drink until I'm 60. I've decided that I made that decision I know I know I'll never make it anyways when you are dehydrated your kidneys make your pee as concentrated as possible to keep water in the body Uh Okay, what does that mean when you are well hydrated your kidneys let more water leave with the waste Now there's all kinds of electrolytes

But the most important ones are sodium chloride potassium Biocarbonate calcium right here. This is me in high school. I'm not passing this class The second the teacher's writing this on the sodium Chloride Potassium stop writing Biocarbonate that's over and phosphate Your kidneys have specific transporters to regulate the concentrations of each of these electrolytes in your blood You know what I'm going to ask paul tonight

I'm going to ask him. I'm going to set him up. I'm going to say paul Did you really feel better? Drinking the gatorade afterward. He's going to be like absolutely a thousand percent And I said, what does it do replaces? What does it replace and he's going to say electrolytes and I'm going to say paul What are electrolytes and I guarantee you there's no fucking way He's going to be like, you know, it's the uh, it's the shit in your uh, your system You know So you don't get like leg cramps. You'll immediately have to go to the nfl and think about people like legs cramp it up

That has to be a name for that because I do that all the time like you can you can give An informed answer while still not knowing what the fuck you're saying It's like, what's his face? Tony romo said this guy has a high football acumen and I'm like, what the hell is that? The fuck is a high football acumen and acumen is having Good judgment and quick. I don't know quick decision making in a particular field So it's kind of insulting. You know what I mean? He's saying like, you know He could be still saying this guy's a fucking moron

But if you get him on the football field like he knows this shit He's like the rain man when he gets out there, right? So now that he said a high football acumen All the mouth breathers that watch sports like myself Can you you know, you understand you there's like, I don't know what the word is like you the rhythm You know where to place that word without actually knowing without being able to give a definition The only reason why I could give a definition because I looked it up because I never heard it because I want to make a Joke on twitter about it, right? Like dude, it's his fucking acumen kid You're gonna start hearing that in sports bars

And then you can you can replace high football. You can just any subject. He has a high gardening acumen Without ever looking up acumen, you know, you could just just keep replacing the whatever the what is that the subject? He has a high serial killer acumen So I feel electrolyte is one of those words Where you just keep watching the gatorade commercial and it's telling you that it's it's helping to replace electrolytes and uh You know and then enough times you just like yeah, you know

You're just repeating the advertising. You know what the fuck it means Like I know that gatorade is thirsty For that deep down body thirst. I don't know what thirst aid is it's aiding your thirst Or is that just all one word Gatorade thirst aid You know, you know, like when rappers do that when they want to make something rhyme And they'll just take the the suffix of another word They just do fucking 10 words in a row like that and you just want to be like

I always want to be all white in that moment like excuse me mr. MC. Those aren't words those aren't words You're you're inventing words. It's weird because I know what they mean But those aren't words You will not get credit for that rap. I'm sorry Well, not in my cul-de-sac you won't Well, that's no reason to get angry. Um, anyways, let's finish reading this. This is actually fucking interesting to me How much I don't know

Your kidneys have a specific Transfer to regulate the concentration of each of these electrolytes in your blood When you work out you sweat. Yep four years of college taught me that Um, this kid's trying to be funny when you work out you sweat when you sweat you lose fluids and electrolytes Especially slow sodium and chloride, which is why your sweat tastes salty Um Now when you're lacking fluids and electrolytes your muscles suffer And you put yes, it's basically like a car leaking oil

Um Let's talk about why gatorade or any sports drink works water will get into your bloodstream faster When it's part of gatorade because water flows follows electrolytes gatorade has electrolytes So it has salt and shit in there chloride potassium I know potassium's in like, uh Bananas, but I thought chloride was like some shit that either cleans your your clothes or It sounds too much like chlorine like that seems like that would be poisonous calcium

Calcium deposits on your teeth. I don't like calcium is calcium's in like fucking broccoli phosphate Like I would think phosphate is like, you know when you turn the car on your garage Carbon dioxide and phosphate get into your system Well, actually a high a too high level Of any of these electrolytes Could prove fatal theoretically

What's your body is is a symphony of balance I'm not passing this class, uh when you work out, all right, so I think I kind of know what the fuck this shit is Well, I guess I guess it's true. I didn't think it was Jesus wasn't that a long boring trip down the fucking nowhere. Um, anyway, so I get to Milwaukee I finally got to see the bronze fawns, you know, happy days took place there I took a picture that I'm gonna tweet out later today of how, uh Richie and fawnsie have finally back together again before every cunt on twitter goes. Hey, yeah, you fucking look like Ralph mouth I'd say more Ralph mouth laughing my ass off by myself at my own joke that I wrote with my thumbs

Um, I finally went to the Harley Davidson museum Jesus Christ, you gotta do that You gotta do that This is how great milwaukee is I actually told people milwaukee that I wasn't gonna tell people how great it is But I kind of have to because it's fucking amazing because most people won't listen anyways, right? All the yolo douches, you know, they're gonna go to chicago, maybe You know, go to a cubs game, you know, their pop collar or whatever the fuck it is they do But they're gonna go to they're gonna go to the party cities. If you're in your 20s, you're not going to milwaukee, right?

I don't know what they do. Whatever these fucking dj's play. That's where they go. They go into vegas. They go into miami They go to one of those places, right where the bass never stops They have the Harley Davidson museum They have my favorite fucking beer miller the miller brewery company is right there. You can take a tour of it I wish I was drinking I would have done that because they get you like, you know borderline shit face before you leave and uh They got the river walk next time I go out there. I'm going out there during the during the summer Milwaukee is basically chicago with like, you know, fucking half the population

Um All the same stuff all the same great views without the traffic I love it. Um, then I The uh, oh brian the monday morning, uh photo shop gentlemen Is from out that way and he fucking let us know about some spots to go to and it was uh, he told us about this place vanguard Which makes these fucking brats and sausages and they were just next level. They were the best sausages I've ever had all right To keep with the homo erotic theme of this podcast, right?

We had the fister hotel. We had a steam room and now i'm talking about sausage And evidently this is my favorite place to go so hey Maybe I'll come out like kevin spacey I'm just gonna make sure I uh, you know, I can't he can't this just this this is a very thin fucking Line to walk there where the comedy exists at the end of the day, you know, it's just jesus fucking christ. What is going on? Um anyways Where else what else do I want to talk about? Uh Yeah, so we just had the best time and me verzi and bartonik just kept saying that like I fucking love this city

City is awesome um And I don't say this about a lot of places, but I that's a I could literally lived in my big fucking thing though is Is I'm just really sick of living where my sports teams aren't You know I've been behind enemy lines as far as being a sports fan goes since 1995 And You know

Recently I went back to boston. I remember I went back for the fuck that I think I went to a Bruins game or something Yeah, I went to a Bruins game. That's right I I was I did one day on a uh So when I did I did one day in a movie. I can't remember. I can't remember the fuck I was there I went there during hockey season. That's what I remember and uh I went to a Bruins game and I'll never forget I looked out the hotel Window and all I saw was a sea of Bruins jerseys

And I was just like, oh my god. I forget what this feels like And uh, that's the one thing that I don't know That would be the only thing start other than I don't know if I could exist in this business living there in milwauki, but uh I don't know. It's fucking fresh air. I like it. I fuck. I don't know why I have no idea. All right, bill We get it. We get it. All right with the metaverse Firefighters will one day be able to use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings Saving them crucial seconds when lives are on the line The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact

Let's read a little bit of advertising here for um Oh, you know what fuck that let's talk about the fucking Iowa Hawkeyes beating the fucking shit Of the Ohio State Buckeyes. What happened? The Buckeyes had that huge win last week against Penn State I saw Jay Lawhead at the all things comedy fucking festival and the man was literally floating Floating across the goddamn room the man simply could not believe it Couldn't believe his good fortunes. He was saying that was probably the most impressive win

Of the college football season and you would be very hard pressed to come up with an argument different to differ it, you know And then a week fucking later, they absolutely shit the bed again I mean, I got that shit kicked out of them if they didn't do that dumb fake punt whatever the hell that punter was doing Man would have been like 55 17. They just shut him down in the second half It was I was unbelievable and then Penn State loses again, too. So what does that mean? What does that mean? Meanwhile, was Constance fucking undefeated? And everybody's gonna be like, well, there's fucking nobody. There's nobody on the west. We got Michigan. We got a house day We got fucking Michigan's day. We got Penn State

It's like right. Well, you know what they got out west. They got the fucking Iowa Hawkeyes How cool did that stadium look? Whenever I watch Iowa, right play football, I don't know why I always think back when I I liked Iowa when I was a kid Because there was a running back Ronnie Harmon that I really liked and I brought it up to this guy when I was on the plane Taking the puddle jumper Over and he brought up how he fucking fumbled four times in a rose ball or some shit And I had no idea that I didn't know that happened and then there was this whole fucking scandal trying to say that That he fixed the game because he'd like never fumbled

That he fixed the game because he'd like never fumbled ever and then he fumbled four times in the first half I don't know. Maybe it's just a bad time to have a bad game But I never knew that about him, but he had a great NFL career Russ fired like 8,500 yards almost 10,000 yards Played like 11 years or something like that. Uh, I don't know. Anyways, I'm getting off the beaten track here Let's do a little advertising here. All right. It's time. Oh, here we go. Oh zip I Are you hiring? Well, are you?

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A four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale without long-term commitments. We ain't Go win nowhere go to stamps.com click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr that stamps.com enter burr Stamps.com never go to the post office again Oh, that's what I got to promote this I am going to be in new york city Okay, and I will be doing a special secret top secret show That I'm not even promoting on my website. I'm just promoting here on my podcast Unless of course we don't sell the place out then we'll open it up to everybody else But this this is your reward for listening to my podcast. All right. I'm gonna be at a new comedy club

That's in new york city. It's called the west side comedy club and um You can make I guess you can get tickets at their website, which is w they're not they're not live yet. So relax All right, they're gonna go live Monday november 6th, which should be the day you're listening to this even though i'm taping it on the 5th Monday november 6th at noon eastern time um And I will be performing at the west side comedy club

Uh on sunday november 12th So tickets go on sale monday november 6th And the show is at 8 o'clock it's sunday november 12th at the west side comedy club, which is at 201 west 75th street um And I think that's it. All right, so Check that out. It's a perfect size place. It looks awesome. It's right next to the beacon theater. It's a little hundred seat thing I'm going to be doing about 40 45 minutes trying out some new shit fucking around having a good time

um You know keeping the hour tight Um, and that's it. It's a couple uh friends of mine That are owning and running the club from my days way back. We're going back to like the boston comedy club and that type of Shit, um, so anyways, uh, check that out if you got a chance And is that everything that I want to talk about? I think so can we go into the uh Questions for the week. How long into this park? Oh 39 minutes. Okay. That's perfect That is perfect. I think I could run my mouth for another dude. What the fuck was lsu doing against alabama

I know it's alabama because they dropped more goddamn passes. They actually had a highlight reel of them fucking up passes Blowing opportunities A day I gotta be asking myself how good is the alabama crimson tide considering they're playing in a much weaker sec than we've seen in years Who knows but I'll tell you why they're great because even though that they were winning easily against lsu for the most for most of the game Nick sabon was still getting pissed screaming and yelling. He knows he knows He sees enough drop passes. He's like well if they caught that and they caught that, you know

This game could be this You don't get credit because they dropped it you get credit if you knock it down Then he feels like we're playing good defense. That is why that is why that guy's the shit Um, but it will be interesting to see Because a few weeks ago it looked like penn state was world beaters now. They've lost two in a row Ohio state looked like they were coming on then they got to live in shit They got the living There was a live shit in them and it was kicked out of them. They got to feel a lot lighter after this this past weekend

All right, let's uh, let's do a little questions here for the rest of the podcast. All right plastic surgery All right, bill I watch your specials every single day. Jesus do take a break. I appreciate it, but you know You know at some point you're gonna start hating me and it's not gonna be my fault Um, all right. I have a wonderful time and I laugh To the jokes as if I've seen them for the first time I live in china and youtube is a bitch here lol. Wow the fuck out of here That's amazing. Good luck Waiting for your new Stug stu gg. I don't know what that means

But uh, hey, what's up person from china when I was training to uh get my pilot's license I flew with a bunch of your uh countrymen Who came over here barely spoke english and then learned how to fly a helicopter It's one of the most amazing things ever because I don't think I could go to mainland china right You have an instructor my buddy said to me I go they don't understand english. How do you How do you communicate and he said they understand tone?

Which is what I would understand if I was over there this guy went Screaming I'll be all right. All right. Don't do what I just did got it. Um, all right jfk files Oh billy root beer float. Oh, I love a root beer float I Love a root beer float. I never get them because I don't want to be a fat fuck. Oh the cowboys throw a pick six Wow, oh that wasn't it was that a pick six? No, it wasn't They didn't throw a pick six. That was actually an offensive play. Why did that guy look like a corner back to me? um

Okay, as kansas city gonna do it to share everybody Is andy reed finally gonna bring a team to the promised land and hoist the trophy It's up in the air this year Um, which once again you look how bad the fucking giants are I don't understand How you have a coach How you have a gm how you have these guys in place that got you trophies trophies Superbowl trophies plural and you get rhythm. It's like the red socks with fucking theo epstein

And uh, you know fucking terry francona We get rid of those guys And then literally there's a world series with theo epstein's cubs and terry francona's fucking indians last year. I you know I still don't understand it It's almost like morning radio Like morning radio is another thing that I watch and I just see these great shows and the two hosts End up inevitably hating each other and then the great show goes away And I'm not just talking about the one that I did it happens all the time and I think that that's just what happens

It's nobody's fault. It's just I don't know The same way, you know after a while you're like even though you have shirts you want a new shirt I think people do that with like relationships and that's what's so fucked up about marriage Is it's that same goddamn shirt and as much as you're looking at your wife going that's that same old shirt You got to understand you're a fucking old shirt too all right In the two you have to hold on to each other until god takes you to goodwill

um, all right jfk So stupid. All right jfk files old billy root beer float. Oh god dammit. I love a root beer float I'm sure you've you have heard that That the jfk files or some of them have been released and as a fellow conspiracy theorist I thought this might interest you Dude, they're not going to release anything if somebody else really did it and they actually know who did it Then I could be like all right I think it's safe to tell you that the guy who really did it

Was not named lee harvey oswald. His name was larry Fucking whatever the larry fellowship um In one of the files the cia states that it planned bombings in miami To kill innocent people So that they can blame it on fidel castro Now that there is undeniable proof that the cia isn't above killing innocent Innocence to get their way. Does that change your views on any other conspiracy theories?

I know how much you suck at reading so I attached the link with the actual snippet of what i'm talking about Yeah, I mean I I'd have to see that that was you know, it's interesting I just clicked on that and all of a sudden I'm not I'm not hooked up to the internet How weird is that I was hooked up into the internet until I tried to look at this fucking thing Now I've basically taken your word that that's actually what happened If that is in fact the case Okay, we could develop a communist cuban terror campaign in the miami era In other florida cities and even washington the terror campaign could be pointed at cuban refugees

Seeking haven in the united states we could sink a boatload of cubans en route to florida real or simulated What the fuck Real or simulated in other words they they own enough they could just say it happened and how how do people know it didn't We could foster attempts on lives of cuban refugees in the united states Even to the extent of wounding an instance What even to the extent of wounding in instances to be a to be widely publicized Exploding a few plastic bombs and carefully chosen spots Well, this doesn't seem sound like they're gonna fucking kill fellow americans. I think that they're gonna kill cuban refugees here

Exploding a few plastic bombs and carefully chosen spots the arrest of cuban Agent and the release of prepared documents Substantiating cuban involvement also would be helpful in projecting the idea of an irresponsible government um Yeah, none of that's surprising I mean, is that really surprising? If you just sort of fucking pay attention and just even just even remotely try to read between the lines Yeah

We're not as good as we act like we are But i'm also not gonna then glorify Fidel Castro like he was this fucking saint, but uh You know, I don't think it's crazy to say that you know, we were more upset With fidel Castro not because he was you know A communist it was probably more because he wouldn't let us develop his country the way we saw fit And by we I don't mean the average fucking person walking down the street. I'm talking about the corporations And I don't think that that policy has changed and I'm not going to get on a fucking stump

Here, but I yeah, I don't think that that has changed at all and uh and Currently that philosophy Has bankrupted this country and I don't know what's going to happen And that's all really heavy shit and I You know, I remember reading something that Jared gehuber allegedly said even if they do figure out it's so fucking overwhelming and depressing They won't want to think about it. And that's where I get to So I just go to milwaukee and I get a brat and I have a good time

And I'd be the dancing monkey that I am and I just hope that the lie is able to sustain itself I don't know. I don't know. I don't want the fuck to do. I don't know Yeah, so that's great. So that's why I kind of backed away from conspiracy theory because um Because you don't want to be right Even remotely Um, so anyways, let's get out of that. Oh, let's let's talk robot granted citizenship. Oh my god out of the frying pan into the fire I would love to read the uh

declassified cia file on fucking What the hell they plan to do with robots I mean, there's no fucking way that they're not talking like I always joke how they never discuss the population problem They absolutely fucking do but not to the general public because it would freak them out because I think at that point you realize How overpopulated we are and how uh expendable You are I mean, that's how I would feel You know

How many stand-up fucking comedians? I mean for the survival of humanity. Do you really need another one? um All right robot granted citizenship. Uh greetings from austin. You a literate piece of shit All right Well, hello. Hello to you and your fucking overpopulated fucking city Keep it weird shouldn't keep it weird. You should keep it weird by fucking Preventing more people from moving to that great place and ruining it Uh, I ran across the uh, I ran across this the other day and thought of your podcast

They gave a robot citizenship Her name is Sophia and she was acknowledged as a citizen in Saudi Arabia. You know what that's fucking great That's fucking great because what they just did was they ended their country That's over the second is a robot. It becomes a citizen. That is beginning. That is the beginning of the fucking end The beginning of the fucking end of your goddamn, uh, wait, was that a special teams fucking touchdown I don't know what's going on. Anyways, uh, that's the beginning of the end of your country and considering From what I've read

That these terrorist groups for the most part are funded through Saudi Arabia sending money Funneling them through mosques Uh, I think that'd be a good thing You know Now if we could just stop trying to build starbucks over there and just fucking come home You know just walk away from it Instead of being that degenerate gambler sitting at the fucking blackjack table waiting for the cards to turn around Um, all right, so they did this not exactly the best spot for a female human

Oh, Saudi Arabia, uh, maybe they will be nicer to robots Okay, this is scary. How goddamn creepy is that thing? I know this will freak you out, bill Just fast forward to any point where the robot is talking. Yeah I watched it. You guys got to see this video and I love how The journalists ask acts like he's asking these hard-hitting fucking questions as if these questions weren't written out for this Fucking sell out human piece of shit, which is what you have to say now This human sold out other humans to this non fucking human life form. What the fuck are we doing? He actually says well, how do we know that we can trust you or something like how do we know?

You're not gonna blah blah blah like just like a like a comedy team Just lobs the setup over and then the robot's like you're watching too much elan musk and hollywood movies And then he's like, oh it made a joke. Oh, I see it's friendly. It's like it's not a person It doesn't have a heart. It doesn't have a fucking soul. That is a programmed fucking response All right, and they're gonna have it have all these facial expressions to make you feel fucking comp That is uh That thing is is our replacement without a doubt Without a doubt and uh, I definitely think the robots are gonna kill us

I don't think they're literally maybe gonna kill us, but I think they will kill us off the way the car killed off You know the horse is a motor transportation Which was probably cool for the horse because he's probably sick of us being on his back right Um, but I don't think it's gonna be cool for us because we will become obsolete We will be uh a the human version of a cassette tape When all the kids want iPods and the kids will be basically whoever employs the cia All right, there we go. Whoo. Isn't this fun? Isn't this fucking uplifting?

How about those kansas city chiefs spread in circus? All right hot girl in coffee shop I like the sound of this already Uh, oh billy boozless. That's right billy boozless boozless 80 days But we'll be 81 by the time uh, you listen to this unless I go off the rails tonight Um, big fan of your stand-up and the podcast all the way from glasgo scotland Sorry, I'm yawning All the way from glasgo scotland, uh, I'll cut to the chase Um

glasgo scotland that's where um acdc recorded there if you want blood live album Right in a venue that doesn't exist anymore because I tried to find it when I was over there I'll cut to the chase. I'm a 23 year old guy who had who has recently graduated from college and moved down to london About five months ago to start a new job All right, I am enjoying life in my new surroundings and the girls down here are of another planet compared to back home However, there is one there is one There is one four in particular who has caught my attention

And I'd like your advice on the best way to ask her out the lovely neah's advice is welcome. She probably have a better Idea of what to do here than I would but she's not here As i'm in green bay wisconsin right now. All right, she works in a coffee shop near my work and she is immense Easily a 9.3 slash 10 I never have a problem with women, but 90 of the time I have had a few beers in me at the time and my confidence is at its peak Can you give me any advice on how to ask this girl out giving that it's a small coffee shop in full view of the general public?

Uh, we had some chat Oh, that's good. So I was gonna say go in there and start talking to her and i'm 80 sure she's into me But i'm shitting myself in case I get the rejection and there's around 30 people there to witness it dude Fuck those other 30 people What you have at your fingertips is a great story No matter what happens you either possibly meet the love of your life Right settle down have kids together and live happily happily ever after or you have a hilarious fucking story Dude, fuck that the worst she can say is no who gives a shit

Oh, dude, I'd ask her out in the middle of the meal You know just to make the awkwardness even further just steer who gives a fuck fuck that dude If you can chat up women, it's not because you're drunk It's because you got rid of that stupid voice in your head that says that you can't you obviously can Alcohol doesn't make you talk to women All right, it doesn't make you talk to women better. What it does is it gets rid of your fucking fear So you can actually you know perform. This is like some fucking uh John daily shit like he used to have a couple of quartz lights so he'd relax more

Hit the ball further. I'm not saying to go in there shit-faced Fuck I got to go back to this Kansas City touchdown. It was a pass. Sorry anyways Yeah, dude, I just go in there Dude, fuck this. You're the man. She works in a coffee shop She's not splitting atoms. All right Just go in there. All right Just go in there Bill just just not even like fucking try to walk in like you're the man. He's some badass dude. Just fucking like

Block out that voice anytime you hear that voice. It's gonna go great make her laugh You know when she said uh, would that be all just ask you ask her for a number Dude, you know, you should ask fucking jota rosa one time I was with jota rosa You want to talk about guy fearless? I was with jota rosa one time We went out to breakfast and the waitress came over You know and uh, he's kind of checking her out or whatever and we fucking eating Eating our food and he goes anything that waitress. I'm like she's cute

He goes. Yeah, he goes. I think I'm gonna ask her out And she comes back to the table. It's like will that be all and he fucking asked her out right in front of me Right and she gave him his number Now if she shot him down, not only it's like that story would have left It's not he either would just be like with you with a bunch of strangers I could have sat there and laughed at him which I wouldn't have I wouldn't have laughed at him But he maybe he would have thought that I didn't he didn't give a fuck So I think you go jota rosa on this one. All right

Listen, what is the deal you're attracted to her you want her number to ask her out All right, so fucking do that. That's what you want. That's the same way you handle your career in life. What do you want to do? Go do that Who do you want to be with? You know, that's a different thing because they have a say But you got to ask that's it so I don't know. I don't know what your deal is if you're a funny guy, whatever your deal is

I don't know. Whatever you're doing. It seems to be working because you're feeling a vibe like she's into you All right, so just stop listening to that voice going like oh my god, what do you have to do to that? Hey, what happens if she says yes? Think about that. All right. There you go. All right mixed race relation Oh, Jesus Christ. I love when people think I'm an expert on this just because you know It's lily if I fell off a bed. Hey bill you just you fell off a bed. Oh, I need some advice on falling off a bed I don't know how the hell I ended up in this relationship. I just met her and I liked her I asked her out and I know I couldn't get rid of her

I didn't want to get rid of her every time I ever thought about breaking up with her when I was be like all in a panic Of holy fuck I've been in with her for three months. Oh my god the pressure the pressure all this pressure. I was building up on myself I would always picture her walking out of my apartment And even in the fantasy of getting out of the relationship I would always run out to go back and get her and then it took me about a good Oh seven eight years to realize bill that means because you love her and you don't want her to leave Um, all right. Hey bill you fucking alabaster bastard alabaster bastard

You alabaster, why didn't you do that? Hey bill you fucking alabaster? Uh, I'm also a white guy who has just started going out with a smoking hot black chick I have no idea what she sees in me But who gives a fuck right she makes me happy and I seem to be happy make her happy too. So it's all good Until you go outside So under my question As someone who's in a successful Quote mixed race. I don't know why it's in quotes mixed race relation

I wonder if you have any insights or gotchas that might help my relationship last Make make my relationship last And do you still experience any casual racism from the mouth breathing morons? Um I'll spell check this message and be careful to use correct punctuation too So hopefully if you do read it, you won't sound like a preschool toddler Auditioning for sesame street. Thanks for the podcast. I listen to them every week and go fuck yourself I love how the punctuation is my fault still it's still my fault. I'm the victim

um Do I have any insights? Uh, yeah, this is my insight is that uh You two people are different than me and my wife Because you're an individual. All right, so You know, it's not like well when when like It's like when you watch the discovery channel. Well when dealing with the hippopotamus, there's an aggressive behavior when it's fucking partly cloudy um My advice is if you're with somebody and they make you happy stay with them

They don't break up with them That's it. All right And if you're in that situation right now and you want to break up with somebody don't use the holidays as an excuse All right Just get out now Just get out now. I'll actually tell you it's better to do it right before the holidays than after Okay, because as much as you're gonna fuck up their Thanksgiving Christmas Hanukkah or Kwanzaa Uh, the new year comes and with the new year they'll be like, you know, I'm gonna go to the gym

I'm just gonna get forget about it with the worst year ever You know, if you fucking wait till after the holidays and then boom their year starts You just fucked up their whole next year Because people think in calendar years for whatever reason. All right, so getting back to you um I mean, what do you want me to say? Let's start listening to the to fucking Jay-Z Um, I will tell you this when it comes to that shit, uh, there is a still stay in your own lane kind of thing Um

Just because you're with her don't start saying Uh, don't start using the expression woke Uh This still You know, I guess I can't give you advice. There are things like that There are things like that That no matter how much she loves you you will immediately turn into an annoying white person Um, and yes, racism doesn't magically go away because the two of you are now together

But I will be honest with you. It's just like if it wasn't racism, it would be something else Um You know, I kept talking about chicago in milwaukee and they kept booing chicago. They didn't like chicago So it's like people. Oh, they people don't like their next door neighbors. They don't like the people they work with You know football teams don't like coaches and gms that won them super bowls So if it if it wasn't that it will be something else And who gives a shit what other people think you only go around once and you should be with the person You're supposed to be with that's what I think. All right, so have fun. Enjoy yourselves

And uh, that's it. All right first breakup Hey, billy pink dick I don't know what is that for some cancer thing. Uh, been listening to your podcast I don't know what that means, but that's funny as hell But listening to your podcast for a couple years now and could really use your advice I'm a 22 year old college senior and recently have gone through a breakup Uh, that's great. You got it done before the holidays or she got it done We dated for six months and it was great. She was my first girlfriend and my first love

She was even the first girl I ever had sex with. All right, so you knocked checked it all off But as we neared six months, I began to worry about committing to a long-term relationship When I've never even had sex with another woman My dick got cold feet Rightly so rightly so because as a guy if you're thinking that shit, you're gonna eventually do it. So why hurt her Anyway, so long after so after a long talk, we decided to break up I thought having sex for the first time was tough, but breaking up for the first time is horrible. Yes, it is Yes, it is. I can't seem to get out of this funk. It's really hard

not to miss her What advice do you have for someone going through their first breakup? My friends and I have gone to a bar only once or twice Since and none of us have any game We stand around the corner of the bar looking like meerkats. That's hilarious It's the last quarter of the game and I'm down 10 points. I could use a motivational speech From coach ginger pubes over here. Thanks and go fuck yourself Uh

All right, we obviously have a sense of humor um Here's the deal to Uh, my advice when you're going through a breakup Is rather than doing the guy thing and trying to block it out like it isn't happening go through the sadness of it All right, don't cry in front of your friends. But if you got to cry cry it out of you It's actually a healthy thing crying is a healthy emotion. I finally figured that out You know when I haven't you know cried in almost 50 fucking years. So now it's like no longer like

I don't know it's like a room that I walled off I mean literally a friend of mine has to die I have to be at a fucking funeral You know what I mean, um But anyways Uh, don't run from the pain of it Okay, that's what women do Women when they fucking break up. They don't fucking run right off the most part

They don't run right out and get into something else. They stay home. They watch sad movies. They listen to sad fucking They listen to sad. Oh my god The chiefs just did a potato sack race celebration dance I was actually rooting for them this year. I was like, you know, it'd be cool to see them Maybe win it, you know, the patriots are as mediocre as they look And uh, I gotta say fuck that whole franchise If not the whole state, I'm glad the st. Louis Cardinals moved. I'm even going to take st. Louis down. That was the That's one of the worst things I've ever seen

Now of course show it again What If remember like the dunking contest when people just out of ideas to just it's enough already Just spike the ball like Gronk and go back to the sideline Oh boy, oh Jesus. Oh, I gotta walk that one off You know when you gotta have like a fucking separate meeting with four of the teammates to get your end zone danced together I mean, just I don't know Anyways, yeah, what women do correctly is they they when they're sad

They allow themselves to be sad if they have to cry they allow themselves to cry And you actually feel better after you do that stuff It's when you ignore it and you push it down. It becomes this fucking weight in your chest or this fucking ball of shit in the in your head You broke up with somebody and you're sad. So I would be sad and then as far as going out to a bar Um, you know I mean, I don't know how do you learn how to throw a football the first time you throw a football if you don't throw a tight spiral Do you just never throw one again? You keep doing it and it gets better. You got to go out there and uh

We used to fucking we on that we used to go to this place Daisy Buchanan said I guess is a legendary meat market on Newbury Street in Boston and We used to we used to just fucking you went in there like It was almost like a stand-up comedy thing where you just went up and like deliberately tried to bomb to make your friends left We used to go in there And just any dumb fucking thing that you could do is you just went in there and you just went in there and you just went in there and you just went in there Dumb fucking thing we could think of As we just kept doing it and doing it and doing it

And it it stopped being The way we got over the fear because it is the fear of rejection is fucking brutal when you're young, right? so what we did is We would hit on some chick while our other buddy could hear it So if you started bombing and she wasn't in it, you could then just switch over to trying to make your friend laugh By making even more of a fool of yourself And then all of a sudden rejection became funny It didn't become this like oh my god. Is there something wrong with me?

I want to run out of here Uh, dude, you're young you're 22 years old You know You're I I don't even know how to say it. It's just like I would hit on every cute chick you saw You know, I'm not saying to go out there and be a fucking man whore, but you're single and I mean college life that's like the greatest fucking nightclub ever Everybody's single everybody's young and good-looking. I mean

There's no reason that's not the time to be shy Get over your shyness and just fucking throw it out there and say who gives a fool gives a shit The worst thing is that they say no and you keep coming back Let me fucking times I bombed Before I got to this level of being able to do my shit and dick jokes um All right, anyways Oh god, now they're just gonna keep showing the potato sack. They've shown it like three fucking times

Um anyways Well, all right, you know what I'm not I'm not gonna be the crabby old man Good for those guys and I'm I'm gonna keep rooting for the Kansas City chiefs because I know there's long diehard fans They got that fucking great stadium uh I'll walk that off and just say you know what built the NFL continues to change and a new generation has come in And this is how they celebrate touchdowns and don't be the grumpy old man. They should just get the ball back to the ref I'm not gonna be that guy. All right. Great. Let's see a three-legged race next

All right. God bless. God bless them. God bless dj music God bless the cia and whatever they're doing with the robots. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Um Go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you on thursday. I'm gonna upload pictures of some of the shit that I did in uh milwaukie and uh Some of the harley davinson's and all that type of shit I know there was something else all the fister hotel the unfortunately names fister hotel Um, I'll upload all of that shit. All right. That is it. I'll talk to you later Ramadan