Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-11

Episode Date: November 7, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill interviews Dave Attell

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I think they beat us next week, and I don't know. There's only so far throwing the football could get you if you can't stop it on the other end, so that's it. Alright, so anyways, this is the podcast for this week. As mentioned, very special guest here to hype his brand new show. A good friend of mine, I toured with him earlier this year. I believe he called in on the podcast, welcoming him back. Can't even say it. Welcoming him back. Please welcome Mr. David Tell, everybody. Billy, thanks for having me. Thank you for being here, David. It's an honor to be here on the Monday morning podcast, even though it's the afternoon right now. You basically, that's the fucking email I get every week. Why don't you call it the fucking two? Why don't you go fuck yourself?

I had a rough time. Not saying to you, I'm talking about the listeners. Why don't you call it some time Monday podcast? Because for the most part, I get it up on Monday morning. How about that for the most part? Monday morning? Bill, is this your studio or is this one of your many safe houses that you use to do this underground podcast? This is one of my safe houses. Whenever I do a, when I actually have a guest in, I actually come here because it's going to actually sound like a radio show. We're supposed to, my little gadgetry that I bought at Guitar Center, which is really, it's really been on the fritz lately and people don't give a fuck when it's just me. I don't know if you looked at my IMDB page, Dave. I'm at the premium blend level. You know what I'm saying? No, dude, you're so underselling yourself because I think on IMDB, you went up past Scott Baccala right now because of the breaking bad, dude.

Every white guy's fantasy. I've never been jealous of anybody acting because I think acting is a little fruity, but when you were on that show, which is my favorite show, I was like, yes, that's great. Oh, very nice. Very nice. And my acting, you didn't think was fruity on that? Not at all. No, that show is pure, can I curse on your part? Yeah, absolutely. That's pure fucking man, that show. You didn't think my beard was trimmed just a little too well? Well, I didn't, I don't have HD. I didn't look at you. I didn't look at that well, but you knew your lines and they were pretty, they were pretty complicated. And he has been giving me shit lately saying that I look like the gay guy on Modern Family.

Oh, yeah. Now you ruined it for me. But that's the coolest show and I know they do it in Albuquerque and put it back on the map. Oh, yeah, that was the shit. You know, I never had been to New Mexico and I went out there was absolutely, you know, at the risk of, you know, just getting a little gay here, considering we're a couple of guys. It was absolutely gorgeous state. You can literally see the weather changing coming. It was crazy. No country for old men is one of my favorite movies. They did that there. They did that there. They actually in, of course, I didn't realize that until I left. And, you know, a lot of that stuff that they shot where Josh Brolin gets killed in the end.

Spoiler alert, I should have said they actually shot that right down the street, at least the exterior of it. And I'm like one of those total fucking nerds where I like to drive over to where they shot something. And I like to get sad when I find out the place where, you know, in reservoir dogs, you know, the morgue where they shot that doesn't exist anymore when I find out it's a fucking home depot. Actually gets sad, you know, like I was on the shoot or something. Well, that's your kink, I guess, but I'll tell you, I did Albuquerque a couple of times and I shot the Insomniac show a long time ago. We did Albuquerque. And back then the town was like, I guess, you know, it was really kind of like an underground kind of like off the map kind of town. And we went to a strip club.

And then we went back because there was nothing else open. And then it was, it was like, you left the strip club and then we're back. Yeah, then we had to go back because there was like nothing else to do. And then the best part was like, even the strippers like would strip and then they would like just like change and then they would go back to the strip club. There was like nothing else. They needed like a Denny's. I think this was before they needed someplace to go. It hasn't for a lap dance.

Then I'm off. Yeah, I'm just hanging out. Like a union worker. Yeah, it was a, you know, kind of a family kind of feel to it. But, you know, we got the job done. But I really was so excited to see you on that on that thing. Because I remember when we were on tour doing the anti social network. Yeah, you said you had just shot those things, the breaking beds.

Yeah, I had done, I did one in February, the one outside the car wash and then the one where I got to act like I was actually a tough guy and knew how to fight. I did that one shot that one in May and it was cool. Got to work with Lavelle Crawford. So it's a bunch of comics. Yeah, a lot of comics are on that show. And before we get too far into this, I do I do want I do want to hype what we what you got going on here. You have a brand new show called on Showtime called Dave's Old Porn. Yes, which debuted about a week ago.

No bill. Let's see. We're about three weeks in and it's a great it's yes for premium cable. It's a hit. That's awesome. And a lot of people who are into retro porn because it's mostly about the hairy 70s, early 80s porn of yes, the year before Twitter. I've said this a million times, but before the web and all that kind of stuff, you know, old VCR top loading, you know, Dave's Old Porn. So what just I mean, just to let the listeners at home, Dave, just to paint a picture for him.

What exactly tell us about the show without spoiling basically what was on. Well, it's kind of the Mystery Science Theater of porn where I bring out comics like this week, this Thursday at 11 30 on Showtime. Bill Burr himself will be there. That's right. And we will be sampling jumping from clip to clip through Nina Hartley, who is probably one of the greatest living legends of porn. Nina Hartley. Delight. Super cool lady.

And we watch your clips. Did you have fun watching her stuff? Yeah, I was I was absolutely starstruck that she showed up. Yeah. I sat on a couch as me, Nina and Dave watching and literally watching Old Porn and sitting there commenting on it. And I thought she was cool as hell. I was really like definitely I don't know how to like just she I don't know porn stars. They just don't judge anything when you've just gone through all of that stuff that they've done.

They just kind of like, Hey, you know, whatever. Yeah. I freaked out at one point. You had you don't give it away. I know I'm not. We'll be posting a little bit of that clip this week on Dave's Old Porn.com. Do you want to look easier that day? What I realized is that like, first of all, watching porn with women is different than watching porn with dudes.

Like, you know, Sausage Fest, Bachelor Party, you know, watch a couple of stag films, get drunk. Everyone with their legs crossed trying to hide their heart on, get younger. Right. Exactly. But we brought out some of the funniest ladies, too. Ladies. Whitney Cummings, Chelsea Handler, Margaret Cho. And it's cool watching with a woman because they get the woman's perspective on sex and porn and the whole thing.

And they like it, but they don't like it like we like it, you know. Right. That actually, that immediately was fascinating to me. What did you find was different? Well, they definitely do not like double penetration, anal, donkey punch. Anything that you, any kind of, any kind of jizz, you know, jizz, what's called facials and money shots. All that stuff is really not in their bucket list of, I hope one day to do this with my prince charming.

I think it all depends on, I think for most women that is like that. But then every once in a while, you'll meet a real thoroughbred. And they'll actually be relating to it the way you do. Yes. It's hard to talk about. I actually, I actually saw, I was messing around with this girl a long time ago and I watched one of those Max Hard Cores. Yes. I love that guy.

He's a jail now. Yeah. And they were, and I remember saying to her like, yeah, you're not going to watch. And I'm watching at this point is really twisted. You don't want to watch this shit. And she says like, no, no, I got put it on. So I put it on and, and she was actually, I actually got self-conscious. I shut it off and I was like, I can't watch this with you.

Yeah, you feel bad. And now, and then she was just like, what, she, you know, what did she say? She said she wanted it is the way she said it, which was just the classic accused line. And I had a lot of fun with that girl, Dave. Oh, good for you. I really did. I really did. You're an unassuming type.

So I never even thought you liked porn because I figured, because some of it, I don't think you really understood what we were doing. But then I think once you got into it, you really like, you know, dug in. And I like that because at first we were watching this movie that Nina made with Tracy Adams, who's another legend of porn called The Ultimate Lover with Eric Edwards. And it's kind of a Frankenstein-esque film. And we try and jump through the whole film. And it was really difficult, wasn't it, to watch an entire movie?

Yeah. I mean, like you never do that in real life, watch a whole porn from beginning to end. Hey, you just go right to the point. Yeah, exactly. Fast forward or whatever. You know, the phone rings or your boss walks in. It's over, you know. Well, you know what it was about?

I got this weird, I think it's the being raised Catholic thing. Yes. It's like as crass as I am on this podcast, all the shit that I say and some of the stuff I talk about on stage, you know, I curse a lot, but I do stay away from sex for some reason. You're a good guy. I can say cunt on stage. I can do all that type of trash women, misogynistic stuff.

Arguably, I don't think so. I like to think I have a point, but for some reason, if I talk about sex on stage, I'm always really self-conscious and I feel like I'm being crass. I don't know why. And I'm not judging someone who talks about sex as just personally. I think it has to do with that sort of upbringing. So probably the episode I did with you, that was the initial, you know, going out. God, I'm talking about this.

This is on TV because I had no idea what the show was. Yeah. How hardcore you were going to do it or the way you guys were going to edit around stuff, which I saw a clip, which is fucking genius, by the way. Oh, thank you. It's really funny. And we floating on the couch. Hey, Bill.

Come on, man. You're three weeks in. They know. I'm sorry. I'm like Lucas. I don't want to give away any secrets. George Lucas. Thank you for working with an actual comedian and a human being and not having me digitally

put in there. Exactly. Well, let me tell you something. It rocked out because we had the, we had great comics like you and Jim Norton and Adam Corolla and of course. Has Norton's aired yet? No, not yet. But I got to see that.

Norton to porn is like, he's the soccer joey. Yeah. He could find the three way. He could find the three way at a church picnic. I mean, he is the best. I mean, he really like gets into it. We have these great closeups of him, but I can see for yourself. He would be like a great analyst on ESPN except for porn.

That's why I want to watch. That's why I was asking. I went, when is Jim's like, I got Jim's is coming out. He's towards the end of the run. But right now, uh, last week's show for those who did watch, and I think your crowd kind of would dig this. Like the people listen to his podcast. Absolutely.

Dave's old porn. Well known, uh, was, uh, the young porn stars, Belladonna, Christina Rose, Bobby Star, watching the old retro Harry porn. And you'll never believe this bill, but, uh, they found the quaint. They were like, look at this. This is adorable. The hair. They didn't really dig, but they like hair a little bit, but, but the sex, they were

like, look how adorable they're cuddling and kissing. They don't do that. In today's porn, it's really like, like you said it in the show. I'm not going to give it away, but it's like a workout. It's like, like a P90X video. It's like fucking hardcore and extreme. So am I talking too much? No, no, not at all, but I don't possible on a podcast to talk too much.

Not at all. Okay. But you got to give me credit being 15 minutes in and I've yet to go. So Dave, what is the inspiration for your material? Did you always want to, what were some of the jobs you had before? I don't think we've said this yet. Thursday, 1130 on showtime, Dave's old porn, the new hit show. Yeah.

It's all right. Well, it's a hit. It's doing really well. It's right after Jigalos, which is about a couple of male escorts. Great leader. So there you go. Got a great leader. It's the, it's the late night block.

And then the Twitter account is at old porn and the, the, the letter O in porn is actually not the letter O. It's, it's the, it's zero. Yeah. Number zero. Cause that's Twitter. But let me tell you this, Bill. If you go to the Dave's old porn.com website, they'll be able to see pictures and clips of upcoming shows.

Your show will be this Thursday and other stuff that we have shot. So, but it's really, it's when you say like, how did I come up with the idea? It's like, I've been working on this idea for like four years. I think I've told this to you like three or four times. Yeah. I want to say. Drunkenly, whatever. It's over.

We shot this like a year ago, didn't we? Yeah. I shot some, yeah. We shot this last summer and it took so long to edit because it's all about post production you saw. Right. And besides that, like I've been working on it for years and years and I came up with the idea.

It was co-created by a Stuart B. I don't use his last name because he is in television, but Stuart Bailey and he, he's helped, you know, helped me shape and guide it and like show time is the best place for it because, you know, we're allowed to show everything up to penetration. So everything. That's awesome. Isn't that great? Yeah.

And I thought when I was. And there's always the one guy who's like, where's the penetration? It's like, I'm with you, dude. I'm totally with this guy. It's like, I feel like I cannot save this man. You know, it's like. No, you got it. I love porn.

So what can I do? But what you're doing is you're kind of doing it the way they do movie trailers right now. Yes. When they show a movie trailer, they show the entire movie except for the, the, basically the conclusion of the third act. They show you right up until how the hero solves it. Right. And I think that that's what you're doing with porn.

Yeah. Because if you actually show the penetration, then there's, there's no point. You want people to laugh. You don't want people rubbing one out as they're watching it. I like, I like a little of both. I'd like people to go like, you know, that was funny and now I'm hard. What do I do? You know, like that kind of a thing and the dog runs out of the room, you know, something

weird. Is this how you pitched the show when you came in? I'm a great pitcher, Bill. You never give me credit for this, but I'm a great pitcher even on the anti social. So we were both talking about ideas. You remember that, that one time we ran into each other where it was for a pilot, right? And you got the pilot. Remember it was like pushing the guy through the wheelchair with the wheelchair.

Oh yeah. Yeah. And I was reading this when I was like, this is a really funny show. And then like, I see you there. I'm like, Oh, this guy is the guy to do it. And I think you got that, that show. You're a good actor. That's what I'm trying to say.

I actually did. I don't know. I think, I think I'm a good actor. If somebody gives me a chance to, I'm not the greatest auditioner. All right, miss. Stop crying. Auditioner. You're not the greatest auditioner.

Are you, are you a trained actor or are you just like, just from growing up in Boston, everybody's like either an actor or a, I just took acting classes from, that's funny. Or a boxer. Would it be helpful? Boston, bank robber, uh, unappreciated boxer. And then of course that Ben Affleck, I think is made out to two of those three movies. What a horror. And you miss, I got watching that here in that South the accent, sweet horse, wishes

his action. It's getting a little, it's getting a little cartoonish at this point. I don't know if it's that it's just that when, when you say, like for years, people ask me, where am I from? And I would always say Boston because I wouldn't say the suburb I'm from because then it becomes like a, we're like, you know, the suburb, nobody knows, it just, I'm just trying to get through that part of the conversation. But then after like the Goodwill huntings and all that, if you say you're from Boston,

people like Southie, you're from Southie, then you got to be like, no, I, so what I always say now is I am from the safe suburbs of South Boston. That's what I say. But even then, if you say Boston, they go, did you know someone who robbed a bank and then you kept your mouth shut, you know, can you get me a pistol? You know, um, you know what's funny is I drank in a lot of those areas. And I never saw any of that going on. I read that book, Southie.

And I was like, wow, that's crazy. And I would ask Greg Fitzsimmons, who's also from Boston. Now he's from upstate New York. Is he? All right. But he kind of grew up. You know, Mattie would be, if I said upstate New York, he, he bristles. All right.

Well, he was on, he's on my show too. All right. So he's on, he did a great job also. But I wanted to say, uh, that Boston definitely has like the comics, like, you know, Louis K, Nick DiPallo, and these are just the young guys and then they have like that whole generation of like, you know, Steven Wright and all those guys are from Long Island. We got like Seinfeld, Kevin James, Jiffy Jeff, Jiffy J. I know it goes really quickly into comedy hypnotism, but no, there's a couple of Eddie

Murphy, of course. We got it. We got some pretty good guys. Yeah. No, Long Island's got a bunch of guys. Yeah. Or the whole like New York area. But well, but you know, Long Island comics were different or there's another bad question

I could have asked you. Dave, I mean, you're just part of this long lineage of Canadians that's just come out of Long Island. Was there something in the water? I mean, talk about, what was it like when we never drank water? Seltzer, you see, we're Jews and, uh, immediately the podcast level went down. I fucking hate, uh, no, no, I don't, I don't have a problem with them. Um, every once in a while though, you'll meet one and you're like, that's how it happened.

That's how it happened. Not fucking around. Irvine this weekend. I was like, any Jews here? None. Any Persians? A lot. Dude, how about the fucking plastic surgery down there?

Is that out of control? There's some really hot chicks up there. I mean, that was the filthiest show I've done in a long time. Let me tell you the lineup bill. Okay. It was me, Yoshi, you know, Yoshi, right? Very, very funny guy. Asian.

I ran. Oh, I met him in Vegas. Yeah. Yeah. Yoshi. Uh, this kid, uh, Chris Neff, uh, Jason, um, from Canada, do you know him? He's very dirty too. His name is Jason.

He's a very funny guy. Jason. Jason's color or a scholar. So it's a very, very funny guy, really, really funny guy. I'm sorry. There was so many openers, I'm saying. And Sean Rouse, who's probably one of the filthiest, um, um, uh, what guys with rheumatoid arthritis?

He's very sad. So like you look at the sad character, but yet he's filthy, dirty. And then, um, uh, the girls too were pretty, uh, you know, uh, filthy too, rosy and, uh, Jen and out of the crowd ticket. They loved it. By the time I got up there, I was like, uh, you know, like, like Will Rogers, you know, it was like not one pussy joke left. I was talking about taint for like 40 minutes.

They're making balloon out animals. Yeah. That was really, it was, it's like one of those things like I understand it's really hard to like have, uh, you know, to find a comic that'll have filthy comedy with him because like all these, you know, crowds are so PC now that like my crowd is cool and they dig it. But it really was like too many, too many animals on the arc, if you ask me, you know, we needed definitely one guy to like break it up with magic when you come to town.

Not only do you have one of the best acts ever, of course, and I know you hate taking compliments. No, dude, man, I'm really, I'm really not. Oh, Jesus. You're the light of the comedy. These guys were great. I trouble following them. But you, uh, you know, you also sell a bunch of tickets and then they drink a lot.

That's like, that's true. Yeah. That is the, uh, that right there is the trifecta. That's true. We love listening to his act. A bunch of people show up and they, they empty the bar. They are great drunks too. My crowd, they are like professional drunks.

Back on the day when they were all like truckers and, you know, like just like crazy nomad type people, now they're like adults with their wives and whatever. It's weird to see them, but they've, they've, they've aged nicely, I'd say. I'm headed to Phoenix to that new club. Do you know this place? Oh, is that the one that, what's his face? Dan opened up. Yeah, I think so.

It's, it's not the improv, but the other one, the Phoenix store, um, um, club, something like that. But it's in Phoenix. When people, people are listening and after you watch Dave's old porn, 1130 on Showtime Thursday night, um, where, where can they, what, uh, what weekend are you going to be out there? This weekend. So what is that?

Oh, this weekend. Yeah. Very nice. And it's today. Veterans Day. I don't think so. Okay. Well, it's coming up.

So definitely. I bet veterans day was in, uh, no, it's Memorial Day. No. The Memorial Day. Flag days in June. Let's just go through the month. I think, I think we're coming up on Veterans Day. So a big shout out to the troops and I'll do it again and again and again and again.

Here I have a half of you here, dude. I got to get over there. Thank you very much. You know what I like about you, Bill? Very little merch. Very little. When we were all hanging out on the antisocial tour, you had like, you haven't written a book yet.

I don't believe, I don't believe in selling them shit that, that doesn't have jokes on it. Right. So that's, I'm not saying books are bad, but like, uh, I'm not into the t-shirt thing and the hats and all that type of stuff. No, but that's for a TV show. That's different. That's a badass hat too.

There you go. Um, they come in kid sizes also. Dave's old porn. See, if I really was a whore of merch, I would be like, okay, we got this and this and this. But you know what? People don't have the money for merch, at least from my merch. Like if you're like a Southern guy or something, people will buy anything, a lunch box. On that, that, that, that tour, on that tour, there was so much fucking merch.

I mean, Jim Norton at this point has more books than like fucking Stephen King. He really is. He is prolific. Yes. He has, he has like fuck, for seriously, he's got three full novels that he's written. Yeah. He's got like, I don't know, two, three specials and it was just, there was so much stuff there. And then his shirts.

Yeah. There was, and then the shirt that we made for the tour. I finally just said, oh, by the way, I never got a, I never got a fucking dime for that. Did you ever get anything? No, I haven't gotten any of that stuff either. I haven't, it's, it's, it's somewhere out there. I don't know. Are they still calculating it?

I mean, when was our last date? Oh, yeah. They're still trying to add it up. But the, the shows were good, but for some reason, like, you know, I said, like casinos, this is a casino show. We're like, like zeppelin in the 80s. Like people will come to a casino and fucking see us rock out our greatest head. But then we tried to do all these other venues.

That was, that was rough. But Chicago, no, I thought that they just, they, they went, they went too, too big to quick. But I said that too. But I, I think, uh, tickets were too much to, yeah, but audience, but that fucking show was ridiculous. It was a great show. I thought, yeah, just for people who, uh, who are new to my podcast, I did this tour.

Jim Norton put it together. The anti-social network tour, uh, earlier this year, it was, it was David Tell, Jim Norton, Jim Brewer and myself all gracing the same stage. The fact that you're too big to do it, the fact that we didn't come out and sing songs. Yes. The words would have been tremendous. And you guys are, uh, you guys have a new lineup is, is you, Jim Norton, Doug Stanhope, Doug Stanhope and, and Artie Lang, is going to do a date or two.

Yeah. I think I'm going to buy a ticket to that one. That's Bill. I mean, see, see what you did. We loved having you, but let's face it, we have to go with the filthiest, dirtiest guys who are not acting on Breaking Bad right now, who are not waiting to hear from Tom Hanks on a movie. No, no, no.

I'm going to be back on that tour at some point. Oh, absolutely. You're always welcome back. I just, uh, I'm getting ready to do another special. So I had to be, go out there running my mouth for a little over an hour, just so I stay in shape, um, for those types of things. But, uh, how's that coming along with the material and everything? I got, I got it to the point where, uh, I definitely have this special.

I just got to polish up a couple of things and, uh, and just, you know, you know, that deal is like you put out a special and then you, you want to do one that's as good if, not better. And then you also want it to be like a little bit different. So, um, you know, I'm kind of pushing myself to try and do shit that I kind of knew I could do on stage. Uh, like, so I do shit like when I drive around with my girl, um, like if I'll, I'll imitate a conversation, but I'll only do my half of it.

But by what I'm saying, you can understand what the other person's saying. Okay. Let's try it now. I'll be your girl. So go ahead. I'm just saying that's one of the things I've been, I've been trying to work on. So, and I haven't done that. The other one's just to give it something a little bit different because there's two

schools of thought. You can do the AC DC thing where you sing about the devil, your balls and pussy. I like that. And you just keep doing it and doing it and doing it. And this is what we do. Go fuck yourselves. Yes. Or you can try to like change up and every once in a while you have a big miss and everybody's

like, what the fuck are you doing? You know, you grow. Yeah. You have your U two moment where you get the big bug eyed fucking sunglasses. You do a special like that with no shirt on underneath. You're like, you're like, well, who would it be? What would be the Steven Tyler? What's his name again?

I would be the hoodie and the blowfish. No, come on. Of the like they they did like so many albums and then like, you know, it's like they were like hot and then they would like have to like restart again. They're like an amazing fucking band. Yeah, it's ridiculous. You know what I'm saying? And then they went through this this whole Boston to yeah, where Steven Tyler fell off

the wagon again. So fell off the wagon. They actually considered going solo at 61 years of age. Amazing. I think that that would have been George Foreman winning the heavyweight title at 46. I give you that. I don't know how these guys can tour like that, even though their tour is like an amazing like of, you know, like buses and private jets and all that kind of shit, but still

it's still touring and like, you know, just like just the amount of like people that must have to like be on the tour like, you know, publicist and like, you know, nannies for all the, you know, third wife children and you know, just weird, just weird track of all your scarves. Yeah, exactly. Just like horribly, you know, like like a traveling army, basically, like Spartacus with the and also musicians when they go on the road, they go on the road. Like the way we go on the road is like, you know, we go out for four days, come back,

a bag. Yeah. Yeah. Go back like those guys were like, what the fuck was I reading about recently? World tour. Yeah. Somebody went out. Oh, I was on on yet another flight and I was reading about the piano player or something

for the Rolling Stones and he's he was talking about, he was into trees. Oh, really? That's how long this flight was. We were like a holding pattern over LAX and I'm reading about this fucking guy, how he's into trees somehow. But he was talking to how they did like a, they were like 18 months straight on the fucking road. Oh my God.

Wow. Really? Without ever coming home. That's how that's how it's written. Wow. Like I don't get how you just, you just leave and you never come back because I'm kind of on this, this brutal stretch here where I did the, I did a tour through Europe and you know, that the flight going over is exciting because this is the anticipation, but coming

back, it's like, you know, give a fuck. You just want to get home and you're going against the Gulf Stream or whatever. So it's like five, five extra fucking hours and I'm supposed to have a weekend off and luckily something came up and I had to go to New York and I got to tell you, just like I'm such a pussy compared to those guys. I'm talking three weeks out. Like I hated my life. I hated the sound of my fucking voice.

Was this in England or where were you? I went to, I did one night in London and then I went through Scandinavia. I did Copenhagen, Oslo, Stockholm and then, which isn't part of Scandinavia I learned is actually considered one of the Nordic countries, Finland. I did Helsinki, which you would have fucking, you would have loved Helsinki. Why do you say I would love it? Because you're an intelligent man. You like to travel.

You're interesting. You find people interesting. I do. Like a lot of people wouldn't know that about you. You are a fucking people person. Like when we visited the veterans in, when we were all at the Pentagon and we're walking in there and there's these kids and they, you know, they suffered those horrible, horrible injuries.

And I remember all, all of us on the tour were standing there like wanting to say something, not know what to say. And you just, you just walked right in. Like, you know, you just, like you'd known them yet their whole life. And I got to be honest, dude, when I was in there, I just followed your lead. No, you got to, yeah, it's a very difficult situation when you go visit the wounded soldiers, but they really, you got to think of it from their perspective. They're just in a constant state of like rehabilitation.

You know, they're young. A lot of them are really young. They're like trying to figure out what they're going to do with it. It's such a horrible, horrible situation. Each one of them, you know, their parents, sometimes their parents are with them and the parents don't know what to do. And it's like anybody who's, who's, who's sick, but then some, I mean, you know, you're, it's really hard to not just break down, but you got to like, you know, power through

it for these dudes. And they love that you came and broke up the monotony of them. And you'll never forget it. And hopefully, you know, it helped them pass the time. So yeah. And you were like killing, you were fucking hilarious. You were going in, you know, just doing those fucking, oh, they love it because they got a dark humor.

Yeah. Yeah. So that was the thing. And then I came out, realized that God has a sense of fucking humor. I mean, really, honestly. Yeah. And I wanted to make sure that I went in there that I wasn't looking at him like, like, you wouldn't want to sit there being a fucking, it was that line.

You had to walk like, you know, I respect what you've done, but I don't want to sit there and look at you like you're this pity case. They are. And I don't want to treat you like a regular fucking person, but then not be so regular that I'm disrespectful. So I'm telling you, I just, I just like the tour de France, I just drafted behind you and I watched you go to a couple of tables and I kind of figured out what I was going to do.

And now I saw everybody do that. And everybody after a while, Norton Brewer, all of a sudden, yeah, all of a sudden I saw all of them were going around the room and then like, within 20 minutes, it's like you didn't want to leave. It was really, man. That tour was fucking awesome, man. Yeah. That was great.

And then we, we, we gave him tickets and a lot of them came to the show and that's really cool too. Because first of all, like they're stuck in this hospital and they want to get out. A lot of them like can't drink or whatever, because they're on these heavy duty meds that you and I can only drink a dream of these amazing medications like, like Conrad Murray type fucking medication. And you know, they finally get a night out and they're like young dudes. They want to laugh and, you know, have a good time, get laid and all that, but they got

to wait because they're on this, you know, they're, you know, getting better. So that was great that we did that. That was the highlight of the tour, I think for all of us that we got to go to the Pentagon. You know, that was a couple of pictures with my camera. You know, I love it. You know, I like to, when you go to the Pentagon is how they have like that, how unimpressive it is. It's sort of like a mall and they have like, like a gift shop and they have like ATMs.

I'm probably the doors going to get kicked open for me talking about the inner levels. I also found it fascinating that nobody really knew how many floors there were. Nobody really knew where anything was. And there was like, and then you'd meet that one guy who had like all this shit all over his shirt and you'd be like, okay, this guy knows how many he's got all these metals. Didn't you think that like we were like, like that's like the Pentagon that like everyone thinks is the Pentagon, but then like deep below it, like whatever, like a hundred million feet is like the real like, you know, nerve center, like that's the old paranoid pothead

and me thinking there's got to be something. Yeah, I kept thinking of like war games because they had like a like a coffee place and a gift shop and all that kind of stuff. And you know, you don't, you never hear that in these movies. Like get down to the gift shop, pick up a magnet. Let's make this happen. Yeah, but you know, it's gonna be a latte and a refrigerator magnet of Lincoln. Yeah, but I was cracking up because I went in there and all of us went in there and like

we're like total tourists. Oh, God, I remember Brewer going in because his dad's a World War two. Yes, something going on. My dad would love this and I'm buying like fucking magnets. You know, it's got like coffee cup. Dude, it's a fucking Pentagon. It's so cool because like it's all government shit. So the change is hot right off the mint.

You know, that's a joke. I've been trying to do a mint joke. Like, do you have a joke like that that you like you love you been trying to do the joke like for years and years? It was like, either you have the setup or you have the punchline. But like it just like it sticks. It's like, it's like I just want to change joke of like because I love change. So like, you know, I go to the mint, you know, either nothing's coming out.

The economy sucks. We're like, it's really hot like right off the press. Yeah, you got to do something about a guy who's so like hooked up in the banking system that like. All right. Yeah, it's going to be political. Yeah. When he gave me like 50 cents back or something, it was still hot. But was like, I had that joke where he goes like, I go to the U.S.

Mint and like I buy a T-shirt and I give him a 20 and they couldn't find change. It was like, well, look around. It's the mint. Yeah, I was like, I remember that in the 80s. I was like, I want to do a mint joke too. I think that's how it started. But anyway, oh, hey, I that just reminded me as far as like great jokes. I just was working in St. Louis and I had a local comedian open up.

Do you know Andy Smith? Could his name be more female? No, no, female, female. Oh, yeah, she's great. Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. She's great. She is a great joke.

How about the table joke? Oh, yeah. I want to remember that. I wanted that. Yeah, that's the one I quoted. I want that, but I just don't want to blow up her spot here because I know that you don't want to be doing this fucking material. But like, yeah, she's in St. Louis and I worked with her in Nashville.

I just was out there. I want to thank everybody, by the way, who came out to Cleveland, Madison and St. Louis this weekend. I had a fucking awesome time. Well, I'd like to thank the Irvine people. Here we go. Look at this. It's a love festival in the future.

Since I never know when this Monday to whenever podcast will air. Well, hopefully Patrick here. Patrick is an empty man from where we're in his apartment from nobody likes onions podcast, one of the original podcast, by the way, by the way, he'll be he'll be the first to tell you. I he started the whole he's like the Al Gore of podcast. I didn't know that he started the whole fucking thing. No wonder he looks bitter.

But I have to say for he's a single guy, right? Pat, he's swinging, man. He's out there. He's fucking whatever his apartment is not like a single guy. Well, the the big screen TV and the couch really close. That's single guy, but it doesn't reek of singleness, you know, it's like kind of like vacuumed and nice. I think that's because when the IRS comes and you just walked in,

jump on the podcast, giving you props for your apartment. We were just talking about how clean it was. You literally slimming down a little bit. Patrick Melton, everybody. Do you wear shoes around your house? Yeah, I do because it's covered in glass and blood and just sad broken dreams. Hey, he's trying to say this is really nice. I think you have wall to wall carpeting.

The reason why this is so nice, I believe, is because it's also a business. So he has to make it look at that. In case the IRS kicks open the door to be. There's no podcasting going on here. Young man, I'm kind of like an OCD, clean, like I don't have a lot of dirt or germs. You look very I make gay hand motions when I speak. That's OK. We can have it. That's not what it is.

Hey, you have every right to do that. Yeah, it's your people. That's what I do now. Whenever somebody brings up a gay joke, I just applaud and like tear up because, you know, there's no good answer anymore. Like, you know, you can't retort or anything else. You're an asshole, you know, how far those little confetti poppers and just no, even that's too many pride parade.

That's that insults them. Hey, how far into this are we? Like so I can try and tie 38 out here. OK, 38. All right. How long is your podcast usually? It's usually an hour long. Oh, so here's one for you. You know, believe it or not,

somehow I started giving out advice on my podcast. I don't think I mean you. I don't think anybody takes it seriously. But it just so happens, Dave, that somebody wrote one in. I think you might be able to help out it. It has to, you know, do with porn and that type of thing. And you're here to hype. Dave, go ahead.

Days, old porn dot com. I just heard my name. Come on. OK, go ahead. Pat, you brought like new energy. It's OK. I got to smoke at some point. I know there's no non smoking podcast, but go ahead. Oh, you can smoke in here. So I can't. Yeah, good.

Nobody's doing it. I don't get pissed. It'll remind me. My old, the old days going to the he'll put on shoes and kick my ass. Good. What's what's the light up, Dave? Come on. No, I'm going to do that. It's Ellie. All right. I respect the man. All weather. Very, very. Yeah.

All right. Advice, Bill and Dave, we'll add that. I need your help. I dated this chick and and I feel for. I think I love her. What song was that? I feel for you. I think I love you. I don't know. Bobby Darren or something. No, no, come on, man.

It was 80s. I'm going to keep saying I don't know it. I feel for you. That's what I say about any song. White Snake. I think I love you. What fucking is all it's going to kill me all day. All right. Well, anyways, he said, what split us apart

is that she didn't like porn and I promised her I wouldn't watch it. She had self esteem problems and like an idiot, I broke it. I guess he broke her self esteem. Oh, this guy's kind of a dick. I tried fixing it and for a while, things went back to how they were, but she wanted she wanted a break. I agreed. But later, she started to like another guy.

I didn't like that and tried to get back with her. We had sex and things were going great. I thought everything would go back to the same. But later, she said, we can't have sex after I felt depressed because I knew she didn't like me anymore. And she started liking this other guy. When I was depressed, I didn't talk to her much. It lasted for three days.

This kid must be young. It lasted for three days. And during that time, she started dating the guy. Brutal spelling error. So forgive my already bad reading out loud skills here. This is almost we're about halfway through here if you want to start like this cigarette. I asked her why she went off and dated a guy she doesn't know.

She said because I was detaching myself. I want to get over. I want to get over her, but I'm having trouble. Only time I am happy is when I listen to stand up comedy in your podcast. Did you write this yourself? No, he goes, I'm smooching your ass there. I feel bad for breaking her heart.

And because I feel like she didn't love me. Oh, Jesus Christ, this guy's making sense. I was always there for her. She had many problems when she was alone. I stuck up for her. She got I know. I know I screwed up. Oh, this is like a suicide note.

And what I get. OK, not honestly, is he all right? Anyways, he's basically asking, how can I get over her and move on? Well, what do you say, Dave? What what is what I say? Your formulas and porn will help you in the immediate thing. But in the long run, yeah, you got to you got to just there's whatever. You got to get out there.

I mean, this kid, he's still trying to try to like get this chick, but she's already moved on because we all know one thing. Guys got porn, but women can fuck any guy they want. Yeah, honestly, I mean, like if you don't treat a woman right, she will go out and like fuck your twin brother just to show you that like you got to, you know, whatever. Oh, that's I mean, they're vicious. They are be vicious or they can be amazingly cool.

So either way, he, you know, he should just say like, you know what, chalk this one up for experience. Move on next chapter in my life and use the porn and the booze sparingly, but keep it in the back pocket. And there are chicks that like porn. So maybe the next one won't have such a big problem about it. But this girl, it's called the dead end. Move forward. Yeah, I have one of my theories is when you break up

with with someone is you get the fuck away from them. Good idea, if you can. Yes, because women got that. They're just fucking geniuses when it comes to just knowing right they can just sense like, wait a minute, he's getting over me. And then they'll fucking call you up and just spin your shit around and then just hang up and be a mission accomplished. And they just do that until they're over you.

And then they just leave you in a puddle in the corner. So well, my thing is you just you just fucking you break it off. And that's it. Exactly. You're right. Maybe this kid, he works with this this chick where she lives near him or something like that, but you're right. He's got to clear the decks, move forward, new experiences. Like it's scary, but you got to just get out there and do shit. But the porn will help you, honestly.

And this girl is such a such a press about the porn thing. And, you know, it's amazing how she got over here. Yeah, you're not going to marry this girl. You can't watch. Exactly. Can't watch porn with that. This isn't your wife. I'm emotionally dead as an old man here. And let me tell you something.

What did you look back and laugh at this if you still have teeth? All right, what else we got? We got dilemmas here. Dave, would you like to try a dilemma? Let's try a dilemma. A dilemma. Let's see if we can ancient dilemma, like of, you know, a man stands on one foot. No, this this is more just this is sophomoric. OK, hey, I like how Bill, you don't even.

Is this the first time you're seeing this stuff? Oh, yeah, I don't. That's great. I don't read. I just totally wing it. All right. Let me. It was a really brutal one here. All right. All right, we'll give this to you. Dave, would you rather eat a tablespoon of Kim Kardashian shit or suck an entire fart directly out of Rosie O'Donnell?

Sucking directly on her obese balloon nut. Wow. You know, it sucks when you want to do both. It sucks when. Well, I don't know. I would say that I would go. I don't know. That's a definitely coin toss, if you ask me, because I mean, if anybody's shit's going to taste good, you got to think. I mean, she's so primped and proper, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I think she gets some sort of ass pedicure. I would think like, OK. Yeah. I want once a week or something. Every hole is insured by something. It's a wonder, but she's super hot. So everybody would go with her. But you know what? I'm going to take it the other direction.

Go with the Rosie, whatever the hell you said. Oh, look at that left turn. And I'll even take it a step further because to show you how much I really have no self esteem. I would eat Susan Boyle's box if it granted wishes. And even everybody goes, what if one of the wishes was you never remember eating her box? It's like, I don't even give a shit. I'm sure it's as sweet as her beautiful voice.

Bill, Bill in your hypothetical world. Noises, she would make hot. What? The noises she would make. Can you imagine? I think she would pass out. This is when they get there. One of those those children's novel pasty thighs. It's really like a she has like fairytale legs, I would think. You know what I mean?

You know, she is Angel Forts. She just queues angel prayers. I got to tell you, I think I would go. I would go with Rosie O'Donnell. I would do that because at the end of the day, it's air. And it's just it just doesn't seem as bad. I'm going to go. I'm going to get so hot. I'm going to get signed.

Yeah, but you're not really experiencing her. She's just going to shit on a plate like basically how you get to see her do it. She doesn't like like an assistant brings that in, right? You get to see her. She's very busy. She's she's out. She's she's she's dodging the everyone who was outraged that her sham of a marriage was a sham of a marriage. But, you know, I don't understand, Bill,

who felt who felt they got fucked in that one? Who do you feel bad for? The poor people at People Magazine that have a million dollars to pay for those dumb photos? I honestly could not give a shit about any of that bullshit or whatever. But I'm just going to say this right now. Don't you think just from just living in America of like, you know, pumping gas and like, you know, using cash machine that like you've you've like somehow

over over your entire life, just the contact of like people of other people touching shit that you've eaten a shit. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I think that like, if you add it collectively, collectively, it's like a probably like a nice big turd. Yeah, I mean, you get your stomach pumped like rocks when you go to heaven. Like they show you like, this is how much shit you've actually eaten. You know, like God gives you like how much change you've given to homeless people like he has that chart.

You know, I had somebody in St. Louis did that, you know, you shake hands afterwards and you always have like that hand sanitizer afterward. Yeah. And I actually had an audience member deny to shake my hand. He goes, he goes, I'm not because of everything. Oh, yeah. I was just like, yeah, you know, that's actually that totally. I totally understand why you wouldn't want to at this point. And I always make sure I if I'm going to scratch my face, it's always with my left hand. Like I totally get why, you know,

Howie Mandel is probably the most famous for it. Doesn't want to shake hands. And if you and people thought it was weird, but if you're really honest with yourself and you think about the last 24 hours, some of the things that you've done to yourself. Yeah. And you maybe were in a hurry. No, exactly. You didn't quite clean up, you know, but think about it this way. I've been to the third world and like they can only dream about it.

Yeah. And they can only dream of like, you know, like a toilet wipes and purell and shit like that. I mean, you know, they're filthy all the time and they love it. And they always have a big smile, you know, like, Hey, what's up? Don't they like shit on the side of the road? Sometimes. Yeah. They just like squat in the one fountain that's in their country. Some of that. Yeah.

I've actually seen that. So they have like the people's bidet. The people's bidet. Is that a new show? That sounds like a new show on a new network. We do it differently here at own. You know, something I thought I was going to travel the world and find out how bad capitalism is.

I actually think it's still good. I think it's good to a little lot of control. But there's something when everybody has everything, there's just no there's no motivation. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know, it's really sucks for like people out there that will listen because I've been like starting to follow this whole like take back, you know, Wall Street and all that kind of stuff is like, even though

the message is is very like obscure right now. They're dead on. It's like a lot of these kids, especially the kids with the heavy college debt and just people like working at jobs like regular jobs. I used to have like many regular jobs. OK. And like the whole thing was like, OK, you get a Christmas bonus. You know, if the company did really well, maybe you get another bonus. That would be cool if you worked for that kind of company.

I used to sell shoes. I was like, the more shoes you sell, like you get a bonus. And then like the next year, like, you know, you're like, OK, cool. I've moved up, you know, now I get a bigger salary. There's none of that. People get a job. They get more work. It's like, oh, you got to put in another extra hour.

It's taken away from your family and your other shit. But there's no more money. So it's like, it's like that whole idea of like, you know, I'm going to work my way up in this company or I'm going to do this. That's over. It's like, it's like, you should just be lucky to have a job. Fuck you. No, I shouldn't give it up my life for this fucking job. I want to be rewarded if I'm doing a good job. To be just the head guy who gets all the bonuses.

Yes, I asked. I fundamentally what they're doing there is right. It's just a shame that they are going to, you know, the couple, you know, anytime there's a crowd, first of all, you know, there's some perverts are going to show up. Oh, yeah, that's like this. South by Southwest Festival, when they see when they see. And they can go dry hump up against somebody. There's always going to be the dude who throws something through a fucking window. Yeah. Like those people, it's like you go to a football game.

You can sit there and have a good time. But you know, there's going to be some guy with his man tits out. Somebody's going to be puking in the corner. There's going to be, you know, when you have a crowd, but essentially what's going on there is is good. It's good for America. And I think what those kids are doing there, God bless them. I like it because you know, it's like, I always thought this generation

was just like Xbox, like sit at home, you know, comment, comment on everything like it hated, you know, you suck. I'm talking about my own, you know, I think I get the same 10 days to see these like people going out and like, you know, trying to like really do something. So I give them credit. I think it's phenomenal. Actually, somebody, some people got together and they stopped a bank from they had some new chargers, which is fucking hilarious

because these cunts are the ones who screwed everything up. Who? The bankers. It's like, if everybody like, I don't, I don't get how we all work every week and you basically give them 90% of your paycheck every week. Yeah. You have all the money. How did you lose it? Well, what's the deal with the banks? All I know is this, like as an old man who's trying to support an older

woman, my mother, right? All I know is like, I do the right thing. I put my money in the 401k if I have some money or blah, blah, blah. And there's nothing in there. There's no like interest on it. It's like, I might as well go out and bling it up. Yeah, I mean, maybe these rappers are right. Go out and just buy, you know, a clock and a car you don't need in a helicopter.

At least you have something instead of like looking at your bank statement. Zero, zero point one, whatever. Like you're lucky if it like makes like five bucks or so. Oh, yeah. The dumbest thing I ever did was invested my money around. You can't get it back. They'll give it back to you. But with the penalties and the fees and then those motherfuckers,

like every five years, they just yanked a rug out from underneath it. You know, every once in a while, they will arrest like some lady who makes a bundt cake and they'll send her to jail and say that she did something fucked up. But the real heavyweights down there. Come on. Oh, yeah, I don't even I don't even understand like this whole euro thing with the unless they bail out Greece. Everyone's going to fall like Spain and then Portugal. Like there's like the these countries.

It seems like the cooler the country is the more at risk they are of their economy falling apart like Germany, very straight and, you know, whatever rigid, you know, everyone they're like the strongest economy. And then like Norway and Sweden, whatever. But once you get into like the places where you can get a tan, you know, like Portugal, Spain, Italy, you know, the fun places. Hey, you know what somebody told me about comedy over there? They said that you don't want to go south of of Berlin.

Once you go south of Berlin immediately, they just want to see a titty pop out and somebody slip on a banana peel is very Benny Hill. Oh, really? South of that. So, you know, if you want to pontificate, you got to go to like the Netherlands. You got you got to stay up that way. I don't know how you guys do it. I know Stan Hope, who I think is the best comic I've ever seen, because he's the most filthiest, dirtiest, never holds back.

He's a fucking genius. He's our Jeremiah Johnson. If you know movies, he's our he's the last renegade. But he he really is living the life that guy. He really is is amazing. And, you know, doesn't what the ladders on. But what he like lives in like the Sahara Desert. No, he lives in in Arizona.

I didn't want to say. But I know he lives in the middle of fucking nowhere. Yeah, he does. He's he's getting ready for the apocalypse like Sarah Connor. Yeah. And. So you saved that show. By the way, he's doing that, by the way. He's he's you'll be hearing that a lot on Bill's episode of Dave's Old porn.

He's actually he's doing everything. Sarah Connor did accept the pull ups that that whole part with the working out. She's so hot. Oh, my God. That was like that was the beginning of women cop show. You remember, it's like, you know, this sassy broads going to change this whole department. That's right. And every every retired football player be a partner. Yeah, it's like Fred Dreyer.

What was that show? Remember that chick with the hair all teased up? I don't know. But I'd love to be one of those like, you know, Peg, do you think this is this is this is not procedure? You know, like just one of the guys who fuels her her like her angst, amazing and season three, because they're out of story ideas. You guys actually have like a scene where you get to bang her in her way.

Her power suit on there and her fucking desk. That's like a guest like Ryan Reynolds guest stars as the lawyer, you know, like they have to get like a really good looking dude because it's all for women. Anyhow, you know, like women's fantasy. I know. All right. Well, we're we're coming down towards the end of this before we finish. Yeah, yeah, let's do the let's leave them wanting more there, Dave. OK, one more time for some reason.

I love I keep saying this shit like it's a live radio show and people are just tuning in, but I'm old school. Maybe maybe somebody's walking by somebody's cubicle. I have David Tell here. He's he's promoting his new hit show on Showtime. Dave's old porn. I'm very happy with it. It's very good. Oh, yeah, I saw some clips of it is fucking hilarious.

And I hate all my stuff, but I'm like the comics are super funny. The porn people are great. So I'm very cool with it. Well, it's awesome. So this Thursday, 11 30 on Showtime, 11 30 p.m. You can see yours truly hanging with Dave and Nina Hartley. If you want to go to his website, it's Dave old Dave's old porn.com. What is this? That's that's every all the info is on that.

Dave's old porn.com old Dave's old porn.com. All right, you want to do a couple more dilemmas? Let's get fucking silly here and then we'll get out of here. Right. Yeah, there we go. Sorry. Sorry. Here we go. All right. Jackie Jackie or Marilyn Monroe? You know what? I never really found either one of them that hot, but I'd have to say I guess Marilyn Monroe would be the cooler, the cooler one.

You know, she had a major fucking bunt. Yeah, she was she was never seen like I don't know how out of shape you could be and still be hot back in the day. That's true. But she was definitely like, I guess, you know, the first party girl that like we all know there's other ones like Jane Mansfield and all the rest. The ones that they would have the picture like the guys in World War Two would be like, that's what I'm fighting for. But I think Jane's Jane, Jane Mansfield is the Kurt Cobain

and Marilyn Monroe is Eddie Vedder. Of you couldn't even think of women. I'm just saying because she I think Jane Mansfield was the was the real fucking deal. I agree with you. And didn't she? Yeah, she got her face peeled off and everything. There's a lot of a lot of like lines there. It was a horrible ending. Yeah, that really was. There's actually a word for that. Something that happened. No, there's something that happened to her. It wasn't decapitated.

She had something else. It's on a Wikipedia page. Pakistan and something that they only know what is it? It's what it means. Basically, you get scalped. There's a medical. I know. Well, you got to say she was in a car accident. I'm sorry. Yeah, she was in a car with the weightlifter guy. It was her husband, right? But he lived. Yeah, the 18 wheeler. I think he ducked and she didn't.

And they went, you know, it's basically the intersection is when they open you up. Well, which one would you take there of Marilyn depends on what I want to do. I just want to bang some chick that I don't give a fuck for a couple of months. Be Marilyn. Jackie, if I want to get married, I want to settle down and deal with her in her long fucking gloves. And she would be. Yeah, can you look up Jane Mansfield and find out what the medical term is for being scalped? If you don't mind.

Patrick Melton, everybody, host of the one of the original podcast out there. Nobody likes onions. Anyway, so let's do another dilemma here. So Patrick has his own podcast besides your podcast. No, no, no, this is his studio. He's allowing me to be here. That's why the quality of this. Yeah, it's really professional is is so fucking amazing. All right, Dave, would you would you rather never have sex again

or be able to have sex, but you can only Taco Bell breakfast, lunch and dinner for the rest of your life. That's called comedy in the 80s. Yeah, that's not a dilemma. That's how it was. All they're missing is the bloke. Scalping like tickets or like no, no, no. Helping. Yeah, she died. She died. She went on the top of her head.

Like, what do you want me to look up? I'm just just going to Wikipedia page. Who? Jane, Jane, Jane Mansfield. Well, that 24 makes it look so much more exciting when they have the guy. Now, look up this. They get it in like five seconds. Yeah. And you know what happens and everybody gathers around the computer and nobody can see it.

Nobody can see it except for the hero. They go, whatever, whatever. It's just a wiki page girl who's like, yeah, I got it typing, typing. That was a good one, though. But I would say that anything with Taco Bell, I like Taco Bell, but I'm old now. So Taco Bell is like eating candy. Like you can only do it occasionally. But I used to live on Taco Bell growing up on an island.

We get wasted. We'd fucking hit the hit the Taco Bell and seven layer burrito. Everything we just like like give us everything because we know eventually we're going to eat it. You know, it's just like tons of stuff. You know, I love about them is their their attempt to keep coming up with new dishes with those same four ingredients. You know, just gluing chips together with fucking with the cheese

and then the hamburger meat. It's always the hamburger meat, some sort of taco and then just a bunch of fucking cheese. And they just changed the shape of it. I actually I would say I would just not have sex again. And because I figure if I eat enough, if I eat Taco Bell three times a day, I'm going to fucking die. And my or my dick just isn't going to work

with all that grease in there anyway. So I might as well eat healthy. You know, I'll take yoga class and try to teach myself how to come without touching myself in the down dog position. Wow. I thought that just left. It says her death. If it says she was killed by a crushed skull with an evulsion of cranium and brain.

Evulsion, look up, Evulsion. Maybe that's what it was. But back to the Taco Bell thing for food and Evulsion. I think that's one of their new new dishes. And Evulsion is an injury in which the body structure is forcibly detached. It's most commonly refers to a surface trauma where all the layers of the skin have been torn away,

exposing the underlying structures, subcutaneous tissue, muscle tendons. It's similar to an abrasion, but much more severe as body parts such as an eyelid or an ear can be partially or fully detached from the body. Oh, that's what she got her face peeled off. Comes from the Latin word to tear off. Yeah.

Dude, you know those fucking drug cartels down in Mexico that they tortured this guy to death? They fucking peeled his face back. No way, really? Yeah. And I was just thinking of all the sick jokes because when you pull it back, it just looks like the guy's doing the cheesiest smile ever. Oh, you know, because it's just, you know, it's all the

Oh, yeah, it's fucking like, you know, what was it? What was the movie? You know, the pinhead guy, you know, pinhead, but was it called pinhead? No, but what was the name of the movie though? Hellraiser. Hellraiser. Yeah, like, you know, ripped the skin off. I love that guy.

That was so fucking cool. Before paranormal activity, I love that. But Bill, Volsion, what I want to say was that Mexican stuff is a crazy whatever's going on down there. That's fucking crazy. And they got a new show, a Juarez, Mexico. I haven't watched it yet, but I bet you that's like, that is definitely the town where we should do a special.

Oh, yeah. Can you imagine that? Like, Mexico City. It's like, do we get paid here? Yeah, here's your pay. You get to leave a lot. Get out of here. He's like, OK, OK, we're backing across the bridge.

Relax. How everything's good. Relax. How hardcore would you go, though? I know that I know that you have performed for troops on bases. Oh, yeah, all over the world in Afghanistan and all these hardcore places. But what's the most hardcore carousel? You know what I'm talking about. No, you left the country because there's something like

there's a major fucking fear I have when I when you leave the country as much as you're having a good time and it's a friendly fucking place. It says that panic. I'm going to lose my wallet. And I'm going to have to run to the embassy is like in the background. Like people chasing me and shit. So I was wondering Jason born the most. I'm just saying, I'm not saying

it's a rational fucking. That's hilarious. What fantasy are you in where you've got to get to the embassy? I'll tell you why. And did you have a watch arrested abroad? And locked up abroad. Locked up abroad or or that that chick who's she's she's put away forever because she was something you know, locked up for losing your wallet. No, this is what it is.

Nobody's like he needs to get to the. Listen, before you go all captain cynical on. No, but I was saying, Bill. Yeah, that girl went to Bali. She said she packed a boogie board when it fucking lands. It's packed with weed and you get a life sentence. Like you get the fucking death penalty. They didn't give her the death penalty.

They just stuck her in jail for life. They made this whole documentary on it. And you think in the end she's going to get. I don't want to run a run. It's fucking horrific. Now, maybe she was trying to deal. I'm not saying but she didn't look up the laws. She didn't know what the fuck was going on and that was it.

Yeah, but you're talking about people who are doing something wrong. Most likely getting caught doing it. I didn't say it was a rash of littering and Cain in Singapore. You remember that key a card like I mean, I've been all these countries. I don't look up their laws. I just go, I'm not going to be a fucking asshole. Yeah, you know, the laws of the land. But whatever, you're dating somebody and they leave a fucking one of the

what are those little things you smoke out of? Not a bong, though. The little pipe pipe, a one hitter. You got that and all of a sudden that means you got to get fucking your foot stepped on by an elephant. Right. And you weren't aware of that. You met the love of your life in Saudi Arabia on an oil business trip. I always like it's like I grew up in Saudi Arabia.

It's like, what? It's like, yeah. And like, if you could get booze, you were the man. And so it's like, you know, like that's real hardcore. Like we're in the U.S. It would be like, and but like if you could be like a bottle of Kalu. It's like, whoa, watch out all of a sudden, like Secret Police are fucking getting this kid, whatever. But I love that show locked up abroad.

Very cool. You're absolutely. Well, we're going to leave about an hour, about an hour and hour. We're going to wrap up this podcast. Well, it's good seeing you do it once again. I can't wait for the new special. Whenever you're going to do that, because your stuff rocks out always. I love it. I'm chasing guys like you. Dave's Old Porn is the new show Thursdays, 11 30 on Showtime.

It's a big hit. Dude, I'm really happy for you, man. I'm really happy for you. I hope I hope it goes over the moon for you, man. That's it. That's the Monday Morning Podcast. Hope you guys had a good time. Thank you, guys. Don't take any shit. Go fuck yourselves. We'll talk to you next week.

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