Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-16

Episode Date: November 7, 2016

Bill rambles about Christmas shopping, getting rid of old shit and this god damn election.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, November 6th, 2016. Holy shit! Dude, I gotta start my fucking Christmas shopping! You know what? You actually should at this point. Wouldn't that be great? Wouldn't it be great to just think of every fucking goddamn person out there that you gotta buy for? Not your kids, alright? You love your kids. Not your dog. You love your dog, right? What else is there? It's your kids and your dog. That's what it is, right? You love your wife too, but you know, you know this, right? It'd be great if you could just fucking go, just get it all fucking done. Just call in sick one day, you know, exactly where you want to go. Give me one of those. Give me fucking like a Dunkin' Donuts. Give me two fucking jellies, a fucking powdered sugar, fucking two glazed in a curler. Alright, except it's gifts. You know, and then you just have the lady down there, wrap them for you. The whole fucking, I mean, nice gifts though.

Nice, thoughtful shit for like 10, 15 fucking people, but you just knock it out in four hours, right? Then you take these fake hay fever pills and you walk into a world like, oh god, just woke up. I'll be alright. I'll be in my cubicle. Whatever, and you did the whole fucking thing, it's done. Alright, then you can just sit there and chill. Two things you should fucking do. I would, this is why I'm actually talking out loud to myself, and I'm not mad if you're listening, alright? Two things you gotta do. You gotta do fucking cardio right through the new year, because you know you're gonna eat and drink like a fucking pig. You know what's happening, alright? You know, it's the end of the year. You know what I mean? You get those few days off and you just start thinking, what if we just always had days off and everybody just fucking cooked and you fucking drank and nobody gave a shit and there wasn't anything to do the next day, you know? That wonderful feeling of actually living life while enjoying it, as opposed to looking at dread at your fucking watches as the next fucking Monday is coming, you know?

So if you can just somehow knock it out, you know what I mean? Knock it out before the animals show up, you know? I mean, it's just fucking, it all starts on Black Friday and then it just becomes fucking just bad fathers and I don't know what into December and all of that shit. So you knock that out, you do your half hour of cardio every fucking day, you go for a walk, whatever you fucking do, eat a salad or some shit, just do something, you know? So you know, as I'm sitting here drinking a fucking Miller High Life doing this fucking podcast, I should do that. I should make a fucking list in my head right now. All the nieces and nephews, what do they want? How old are they? Bang, bang, boom. I don't like that internet shop, you know? You just go on Amazon, you just go around, just click and shit. Some reason it's not as fucking cool. I actually accidentally found this really cool toy store. Of course, I was going out to a bar and it was closed and everything, but it actually had like wooden toys, like cars and shit like that, like, you know, the way they used to make them. They didn't even make them that way when I was a kid. I remember my dad used to say that, Christ, do this cheap shit.

When I was a kid, Christ says there was made out of metal and wood and the tires were real rubber, right? And our shit was all fucking plastic and God knows what else you put it in your mouth. The next thing you know, you were bad at math and you couldn't read out loud. So you had to start telling jokes. That's what happened. Everything, I was born during a fucking time when any fucking toy, when you were a kid, if you were the little kid going through the oral stage, you know, when they just stick that whole fucking hand in their mouth, all your little brothers and shit, every fucking toy you had, they put it in their mouth. That was it. You know, they went from an A student down to a B student and then they had all the colorful cereals with all that fucking shit in it. They had fluff, peanut butter and fluff sandwiches. Man, it was just fucking, it was a sugar coma. Oh, and I gotta tell you, it was great. Jesus Christ, you need to fluff another sandwich and you put on the banana splits or the monkeys, you know, with the whole influence of the acid generation. It's a good time. Dude, I saw a guy on a motorcycle today had a fucking suicide shifter behind him. I always thought they kind of put it right down to the side. They had it behind him. I was dropping off some stuff.

You know, I'm getting rid of a bunch of shit that I have. I bought, you wouldn't believe it. I bought one of those fucking, one of those saws cars, not a table saw, the one that you have just, it's just hand saw. I fucking bought a great one a few years ago because I had this under, I got into this whole thought process that I was going to start fixing shit around the house and I was going to start woodworking or some shit like in my 40s. You know what I mean? Like, it's over. It's not going to happen. You know what I mean? Unless you go take a class, I don't know what, but I didn't have time for that shit. So I bought this thing, fucking top of the line thing. I have had that thing for three years. It's still in the fucking box. And I finally just said, Bill, you got nothing to build. Okay. The problem with the house that you bought was everything was done by some fucking asshole like you after it was built, after it was built, it's a bunch of do it yourself weekend warrior horseshit. Okay. So I took that. I had this bicycle that it bought Nia. She never used it. She used it long enough to fuck up all the gears. You know what I mean?

She didn't know that you couldn't shift while not pedaling. You know, I forget, you know, she's like 10 years younger than me. So I forget. I forget they just grew up with automatic cars and they don't understand that shit has to be turning when you fucking pull the levers down. So that thing was fucked up. Some old juicer, just shit that was going to take up space in the kitchen. I'm getting rid of that shit. I got a bunch of old drum shit I'm getting rid of. By the way, by the way, all my modern drummers, all my drum, drum magazine, magazines, I'm getting rid of those things. And I have like, I have enough fucking drum videos to make a God date to start a fucking music store. I never watch them. There's a few that I'm going to keep the Steve Gad up close, the Tommy Aldridge one. There's a couple that I that that I love that I'm going to keep. Maybe the Steve Smith's Kenny Aaron off, but I have like a zillion other ones that like I just watched and they people were phenomenal, but I just never learned anything from it.

David Garibaldi was a good one. See, this is what's going to happen. I'm going to go through the magazines because I know I got a couple old ones like Tommy Lee. There's a John Bonham tribute. I'm not getting rid of those fucking things, but the rest of them does like a music school. And if anybody knows out here in LA that I could just donate those things to they just they just like, you know, I'm not going to be this. I'm becoming like that fucking old lady, you know, or the guy who just doesn't throw any shit. And he was shit out. And I just have like, I literally have like a decade and a half of fucking drum magazines. And what am I doing with them? You know, I read them and I put them up on the shelf and then I get another one the next month. I read it, I put up on the shelf and I always think like, oh, yeah, I'm going to go back to this one and I don't go back to it. Then I forget whatever article, whatever music that they wrote out. I'm never going to fucking find it. What am I doing with it?

Pass it on to somebody else. Let them fucking use it. You know, although what was good is I was trying to fuck with. Was it where Eagles dare? Iron Maiden and that one part that took a guy, but that is part of that. I never knew what the fuck he was doing because the drums are so low in the goddamn mix. I can never figure it out. And they actually had the music written out. And I did go on YouTube, but the guy there mentioned the drum magazine at it and lo and behold, I had that fucking issue, but still still able to figure it out via YouTube. So I'm going to get rid of a bunch of shit like that. And because now that my fucking house is done, I would also like to have it be breathable.

Little fucking feng shui there. You know what I'm saying? Because I got to tell you, even though the fucking kitchen has come to a grinding halt because of all the wiring they had to do, getting that fucking island out of there, it's the greatest fucking thing ever. Adolescent fucking cow that I had laying in the middle of the fucking fridge. I mean, in the middle of the goddamn kitchen. Finally got that the fuck out of there. So anyways, but this isn't what I wanted to talk about. This is the Monday morning podcast.

My batteries are at medium, which means it's probably going to fucking cut out on me right before I get to an hour. What else did I want to talk about? Oh, Jesus, I was watching a bunch of football this weekend. College and pro equally enjoyable. I got to start sticking up for the NFL because now everybody's just piling on talking about how their ratings are plummeting and all that shit. What I think is they just they just they just got too broad based and now it's getting back to the numbers that it realistically is. You know what I mean? It was almost like the housing bubble where someone has a fucking shit shack and for some reason it's worth 400 grand.

You're like, that's worth 400 grand. Yeah, the way the market's going this time next year, it'll be worth 500 grand, right? That shit. And then eventually it all just topples on itself and somebody finally just goes, that is a shack that you shouldn't. You know, I mean, I shit every day. So, you know, I'll give you a five grand for it. Eventually that's what happens. I think the NFL where they just, you know, they went from fucking 26 teams in my lifetime to 28 to 30 to 32 to fucking wearing pink for a whole month to saluting the fucking troops to having Bruce Springsteen

play at the halftime to fucking having it Monday night now Thursday and then occasionally Saturday. They just they got what they got way too way too fucking big here. And now they're just they're just sort of adjusting it down. They kind of went through their Phil Collins 80s years, you know, just getting away from the prog rock shit that they did. Like the prog rock of the NFL was like the 60s, 70s, 50s, 60s, 70s, right? Then in the 80s they kind of peaked, you know, and then once they got now 90s wasn't bad. Somewhere, I guess in like the 2000s, I think it was like when Phil Collins started, you know, doing covers of like the supreme shit.

You can't hurry love. And you know, there's a girl that's been on my mind all the time. Shoot, shoot, shoot you like half his shit. You couldn't even understand what it was. I remember this dude used to wear a fucking tank top cut off with the Ghostbusters logo on love Phil Collins. And not only did I not like Ghostbusters, never was into that fucking movie. I couldn't stand that, that Phil Collins shit somewhere along the line. You know, you know what it was was when he started lecturing me about the homeless.

You know, I came home, you know, I put on MTV. I wanted him to stake him, right? God knows what happened to me that day. I flunked the test, you know, somebody beat me up for having orange fucking hair. I just want to sit out and he'd be reminded of this shit. Right? And all of a sudden he's up there. Oh, think twice, because it's another day for you and me and paradise. I remember just watching that video going, what the fuck happened to his lip?

You know, is he a squealer? Why has he got that little mark of the squealer on him? Did he steal a song? Anyways, what I really meant to say is it's great that he's back. It's great that he's going back out on tour. One of the greatest fucking drummers of all fucking time. I don't know. It's just somewhere around in the air tonight. Then without all that shit after that, the mic and the mechanic shit, all of that fucking shit.

It just, it's the, you know what never came back is the sound of the synthesizer. It just, there's no way to make that sound quality. I don't know. What the fuck do I know? But just my own fucking opinion, I just, I just feel like it's just, it doesn't have any soul. You know? Oh, Jesus, Bill, why don't you shut the fuck up? Okay, I will. Let's, let's talk about these new Hillary Clinton fucking commercials, which of course none of, and the Trump ones, none of them talk about any sort of issue.

They're just sort of talking about each other, about what assholes they are, you know? It's like, it's like two seventh grade girls just fucking starting rumors about each other. They're not talking about the nationwide heroin epidemic. They're not talking about fucking the pharmaceutical companies trying to fucking make weed, not legal at a state level again, because all the states where it's fucking legal, you know, the prescription medical prescriptions are all down. They're losing money. So they're going to try to demonize it again. According to the person that I can't even remember who the fuck it is that told me that.

And then I never read it to see if it's true, but now I'm telling it to you. They're not talking about any of that shit, great, Barry, a reefer's dad, who gives a fuck, right? All right, let's trash the Hillary one first. All right, the Hillary one about fucking Donald Trump is they're trying to go, your kids are watching this. What kind of president are they going to see? Okay, which I get. All right, there's kids that are into politics, but they show like six year olds, like riveted, just to a fucking, to a fucking adult running for office. Did you remember when you were six years old?

I don't even know what kids see nowadays when I was a kid. Remember when your parents put on the fucking news? Remember that feeling in your stomach? It was like they were making you eat spinach. You're like, oh my God, I got to get out of here. This is boring. Anytime there were adults on TV with suits talking, it was over. I wanted nothing to do with it.

All I want cartoons. I like sports. The bionic man. What else do they have back then? Little house in the prairie. I liked for a little while. Then it got, it got all gross when fucking they brought that kid in. Did he go deaf or did he go black?

I can't remember what the fucking the Adam kid or some shit. He started fucking the one with the pigtails. It just got gross, man. I don't, I just like watching the cowboy shit. I like that stuff, but anything that was remotely nightly news politics. I vaguely remember Richard Nixon crying on the radio when I was riding. I was riding in the car with my mother and she was trying to explain to me what was happening. And I was like, oh, okay.

And I never thought like, like, wow, this guy lied to the nation. This guy, this is a president crying on the radio. I had no concept of any of that. I was just like, all right, can I get out of the car right now? Cause it's sunny out. We've been driving for a while and I think I'm going to throw up. That's all I was thinking because I was a fucking kid. Okay, people.

Here's the deal. I mean, how fucking awful are you that you got to start talking about kids? Kids are watching this guy. And then the Hillary one, I don't even know what the fuck it was. It looked like a fucking Pink Floyd video. I only, I was cooking and I turned around. I had, I had the game on the one that Trump made about Hillary, which I want to say it was somebody dressed up like Hillary holding a pickaxe or something.

Like, I didn't even know. I never took a hallucinogen, but you know, that commercial maybe be like, you know, this would have been a great time to have done some acid to just watch that. And like, you know, and if he somehow made it like feature length, that would have been fucking awesome. But anyways, I believe the election is this week. I want to say it's Wednesday or is it Tuesday? Maybe it's fucking Tuesday.

I have no idea. I know Wednesday the ninth, I'm going to be on Conan O'Brien and there will be a new president. Is it going to be the first lady? You know, which means Bill Clinton will be the first. What the fuck would he be? What would he be called? The first husband? The first first husband?

I knew I'd be groundbreaking. Jesus Christ. Can you imagine if that fucking cigar fucking stick in lunatic is back in there and now he doesn't even have a fucking job? Jesus Christ. Hillary, the first day is going to be like, get all these broads to fuck out of here. I'm president. Get him anything with a twat.

Get it the fuck off Pennsylvania Avenue. That's it. They're literally going to have to fucking wheel bill around like Hannibal Lecter on like one of those two wheelers. You know what I mean with the little fucking muzzle on him? Jesus, that animal might be coming back. I think he's going to, I think Trump fucked up. He just said too much crazy shit and he made the Clintons look sane

and he's got no one to blame but himself. That's my prediction. All right. If I was a betting man and I was going to Vegas, unbelievable, right? And Bernie Sanders is like that school that should have been allowed into the playoff and didn't fucking get in, right? Because all these fucking cunts were too afraid to vote for him because there's no way he could win.

I saw some of the other day on TV, they did this whole fuck. They did this. They go, all right, well, Hillary has to, okay, you got to make a smart decision either because it's really hard. This decision is really hard because Hillary had a bunch of felonies and Trump and then they listed like all the shit that Trump did for like a minute. This is like a fucking, like a TV show. I was just so fucking irresponsible, I feel.

You know what I mean? He's supposed to try to be like impartial, right? I hope I'm being impartial. I don't fucking like either one of them. I just don't know how you trash one guy for fucking 90 goddamn seconds. And then you just, and all you say about the other person is just their felonies. Why don't you just talk about the felonies that were brought up, that the charges of those things. You could talk about that for fucking 19 hours.

Oh no, she has a blue bra. So therefore she must be a saint. All right. I'm off my fucking soapbox here. Good luck to you guys. I really mean that. Good luck to you, man. I hope somehow we come out of this.

We somehow pick the fucking lesser of two fucking evils, whatever that is. And I hope everybody reads and rereads all the propositions and all the shit that's attached to them. I plan on fucking doing that for the first time ever. I'm actually going to be an informed fucking voter when it comes to that shit because I don't think there's any winning at the presidential level. Oh Jesus Christ. Anyways, whoever wins, it's going to be a rough four years of speeches before the next one. I mean, neither one of them are a good public speaker.

Holy shit. I mean, Trump just goes out there and wings it. Like Trump, when Trump gives a speech, he sounds like he's waiting for the headliner. He's like stretching, waiting for the headliner to show up, keeps looking at the back of the room and they're still making that stretch. See, he's not here yet. They said he's on his way to another 10. And then Hillary with that whole bobblehead fucking thing that she does,

like she is, I haven't seen anybody so outside their own fucking body since Al Gore. Remember Al Gore when he was fucking, I'll never forget he was doing a debate with George Bush and George Bush makes a point and then for whatever reason, Al Gore stood up, walked all the way over to George Bush and just goes, my turn in his ear. And Bush does like a double take like, dude, what the fuck? Sort of a natural reaction to this guy coming out. And I mean, you could literally feel his fucking breath in his ear. He fucking did this double take looking at him and the whole crowd laughed at Al Gore.

And then Al Gore just threw his head back and for whatever reason started laughing just goes, And I'm like, what are you laughing at? Like what the fuck are you doing? Like he was, yeah, that guy, that guy, you know what that guy, that guy read about his critics too much. Like the first time they were like, he wasn't animated enough. And the next time he went out there, he was doing like this fussy shit. Oh, Jesus, he redefined fucking flops with that guy. All right, let's get out of politics.

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I fucking, I tried to be slick here. And what I did was I copy and pasted only three of the reads, three of the six. So then I could immediately go into the questions, but then, you know, I also wanted other shit that I wanted to talk about, and it's all the way up here at the top. See, this is the problem. When you fuck with your daily routine, all right, what the fuck is this? Sorry guys. Sorry.

Sorry. Just relax. Relax. It's almost done. Okay. It's done. All right. What else do you want to talk to?

How great was the fucking Giants Eagles game, huh? That's always a great game. And the same thing happens every fucking year. The Giants go up. They go up fucking big. And then the Eagles start coming back. And most of the times the Giants just can't fucking put them away today. They did.

I fucking love the NFC East. And I've watched so many Giants games because of Verzi. I actually root for the Giants. I shouldn't be doing that as a Pats fan. You know, I don't, you know what it is? I just, I don't have that fucking sports fan in me just because we lost to the fucking Giants. I mean, did they, did we robbed?

No, we weren't. The guy did it to us twice. He's fucking great. For me to not like Eli would be, I'd have to not like Tom Brady because then I'm saying I don't like greatness. Plus, one of the most interesting things to do is to watch Eli Manning throughout the course of a football season. I'm telling you, this is when he starts waking up.

He's fucking bored. It's September, October. He stretches a little bit in November and then when they need to win the last six, seven fucking games or else they're out of the playoffs, then he starts playing like a champ and they get on a fucking roll. I'm telling you, this guy knows what he's doing. Whereas his brother from day one was a weird protection in your shoes. He went out there like a fucking lunatic from day one.

I think he burned himself out by the time he got to the playoffs. I don't know. That's just a theory. God damn it. Every once in a while, you know, every once in a while, you know, you just take what you take a sip of a beer and it takes you back to the first time you got fucking hammered. You know, where were you the first time you got drunk? I was at Fanuel Hall in Boston, you know, a stone's throw from the comedy connection

where I would be performing in mere eight years later, right? I was drinking Michelobelites. So the only place I've ever been able to find Michelobelite is in New Orleans. And I always drink one whenever I go down there. That's a tradition. Some people go down there. They go down there for the gumbo or the fucking Creole fucking whatever the fuck the music and all I call that shit.

I go down there. There's this store. It's right down by where the fucking choo choo train goes down the street there and they sell it's a fucking shit. Oh, it's down near the Harris. It's like a liquor store. And, you know, it's got all this bullshit. And then they got I always buy I buy a single and I just fucking walk around, listen to

the music, trying to not make eye contact with the unbelievable amount of shady fucking people in New Orleans. One of the most shady as fuckens. I can honestly say that, dude, like there there is something something wrong with that city in a good way and in a bad way. I'm telling you, it's fucking good. So I love the city. Absolutely fucking love it.

But it's got some of the shadiest fucking people I've ever seen in my life. And I'm just not blaming the locals, the fucking people that that show up down there. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, Bourbon Street, like no young people go there. You know what I mean? Going to Bourbon Street is is like that was I don't know when it stopped being cool somewhere with my generation. But when I go on Bourbon Street, even during the day, the fucking shit show it is.

And I just see these bloated fucking people from my generation with the tramp stamps, the barbed wire and tribal tattoos going around these fucking guys with these grandmother flabby arms, man. But you know what it is, dude? They had kids, you know? So I was able to stay in show biz because, you know, I ain't no father. So I don't know. But the fucking humanity that I see down there is just it's just I tell you,

it's just fucking ridiculous. All right, let's let's move on. Let's talk a little bit of college football. Fuck, I'm an LSU man. What a game they gave Alabama, man. That was not a fucking easy game. No one Alabama would say that me. We need for the game.

God, really? Hey, that's how everybody in northern Alabama speaks. It's unbelievable when you get down near Auburn, like all of a sudden, people are just speaking eloquently, you know, ladies, gentlemen, you get to the north, man. You get north up there. You know, you start getting close to that Tennessee border. You don't know what the fuck you're going to run into.

OK, those are crazy people. All right, like powers booth should be in a swamp. You know what I mean? Little Southern comfort up there. You know, you get down, you know, Mobile, Alabama, you know, Auburn University, you know, those are great people, Mobile, Alabama. I mean, how many fucking battleships did they build? You know, they're World War Two.

What the fuck were they doing up in Cribs and Tide country? They weren't doing shit. What were they doing up there, huh? Fucking looking at their stills. I'm just fucking with you. I don't know how the fuck I ended up. Jesus Christ, look at the fucking cheerleaders on the 49ers. I'm sorry, I got the NFL Network playing in the background.

I'm watching Colin Kaepernick. Oh, look at the row. He almost broke it. 31 to 20 for the one in six San Francisco fucking 49ers dead down to the three and four New Orleans Saints. These were great games this week. You know, I got to tell you this. This is how my weekend goes.

I always watch the fucking Patriots. All right. And I always watch the Vern Lundquist, Gary Danielson game. College football. And then I always watch the Joe Buck, Troy Eggman game, plus the Patriots. I mean, if you fucking do that, there's no way you're not going to like football. I don't know what this bullshit is about. All you know, all these people running away from the fucking game

and the games change, and this is a fucking great game. This game right here, 31 to 20, right? It's nine minutes fucking left. Kaepernick's driving up down the field. Oh, he gets away. I fucking dropped the fucking ball. Jesus Christ, 88. What are you doing?

It's got on a breathe right strip. You should get you should have a fucking catch right strip there. Hit you right in your fucking hands, you asshole. 921 to go in the third. If anybody's taping the game, Colin Kaepernick, somehow get the Afro underneath the fucking the fucking helmet. Look at this duck hunter looking at the place. This guy looks confused.

All right, they're lining up for the play. All right, underneath center, Colin, 34, fucking 98, yeah, yeah, fucking Bravo. 72 is the mic, 72 is the mic, and he's off site. They walked away. They walked away. What are they doing? Yeah, Jesus Christ. I thought something exciting was going to happen.

You don't need to look for that. All right, here we go. I barely been watching my Bruins. I know we beat Tampa Bay, then we lost to the fucking Rangers, which I think they've already beaten us twice this year. And I know Tampa Bay has a legitimate shot to get to the Stanley Cup. I don't know where the Rangers are at, but I just feel like we're another middle of the road kind of team.

But when my kitchen is done, my kitchen is done and I can get back to my fucking house where I have. I have all the sports packages, people. I got the NBA fucking hard court, whatever the fuck they call it. I got the NHL centerize. I got NFL Sunday ticket. I watched the Formula One. This is what the fuck I do.

I have no life. I watch all of this shit. I watch college football, you know, and for whatever reason, my wife leaves me alone and lets me do it, which is probably why I married her, you know? That's the deal. If you want to know if you're with the right woman, order all the sports packages and just see how she fucking handles that.

I got to tell you, she's had some she had some people over this week, right? Some relatives and shit. And like it's all women, all fucking ladies, right? And they're in there watching this Kardashian shit. So I walk in, there's one TV in the house and I go, OK, I'm going to be on my best fucking behavior. I lasted like I think I lasted three minutes. I was what they were watching, keeping up with the Kardashians.

And I was literally watching two of them driving on the 405 freeway, talking about nothing. Like the bearded guy is going, oh, my God, look at that lady when she is a lady in the car next to her. She got she has on a fucking mask. What the fuck's with her? And then the other girl's like, I want to get some yogurt. Let's get some frozen yogurt.

I'm sick. Why are you watching this? And they're like riveted. They like they cannot get enough of it, you know? Meanwhile, I'm like three episodes behind. I'm still on episode two of Westworld. You know, I've been watching Westworld and I've been watching Atlanta. Who Chris Rock said that's the best show on TV, right?

I think he's a little biased, you know, I think it was a little fucking lighter skin like me. You'd also like fucking Westworld, but they're both phenomenal, phenomenal fucking shows. Highly recommend both of them the way they're shot. I mean, Atlanta looks like a fucking looks like an award-winning movie every single episode, right? Just some of the shots that they get.

The writing is unbelievable. And Westworld is just a whole other level for me. So I got to get caught up with all of that shit. But enough of my ramblings. Let's get into some of the the questions here for the week that people have. You know, I mentioned, you know, all of that topless shit. Like why women want to do it or certain women want to do it. So like that's coming up again here this week.

Let's see. I guess that's not for a couple here. Gave you a little teaser there. All right, Nat Geo, Leo DiCaprio documentary. All right. Nat Geo, that's National Geographic and Leonardo DiCaprio made this great documentary about climate change. And I think you would love it. It's free on YouTube until November 6th. After that probably cost a few dollars.

If you'd watch it, I'd love to hear your thoughts about it on the podcast. I got to be honest with you, I'm terrified to watch it. I'm terrified to watch all of that because that's the shit that these two fucking dopes that are running for office should be talking about. And they don't. They just make fucking commercials about how the other person's an asshole. But you know what? I'll check it out. I'll check it out. What if I ignore it?

Does that mean it's not happening? You know something? I'm going to tweet out the link here and you guys can watch it if you want to. I'm not trying to be that guy. Fortune politics down your fucking throat or trying to ruin your fucking avocado and toast sandwich there. But if you want to watch it, check it out. All right, who's who is buying million dollar condos in LA?

This is what I asked out here because there is this massive amount of building going on here to buy an apartment out. Building out here is just so fucking high. It's ridiculous. Anybody with half a fucking brain is not buying right now, because it's it's all going to fucking crash. This happens every fuck. It's like a four, three, four, five year cycle every fucking time.

You can't lose. There's no way to lose. You can't fucking lose. One day you wake up right there, Fred. You lost. Go fuck yourself. And then then the smart people then swoop in. And as you're crying with your pockets turned inside out, they come in and actually pay less than what you paid and less than the market value. Those are the guys that fucking win.

So here we go. Bill, the Chinese and other foreign investors are buying up expensive real estate in major U.S. markets because our currency is more stable than their home lands. Oh, OK. May or may not be another bubble, but definitely makes it so regular folk have a hard time finding a place to live. Just type Chinese buying into Google and see what it auto fills. Go Eagles. Well, I'm sorry about you, Eagles.

They did play a great game, though. Dude, how scary is fucking Sprouls? Oh, my God, I'm so glad that guy's not in my fucking division. He almost took it. Did he take another one back or he almost took one back? That's right. They knocked him out of like the 15 yard line. He does that every fucking year to the Giants, it seems, anyways. All right, well, here's my question. If that's like a safe thing to do, like say the dollar was crashing

and all of a sudden I started buying shit in France, I wouldn't overpay for it. Well, maybe they're crashing so quick, they don't give a fuck that they overpay for. All right, Chinese. China, Chinese first thing that comes up is food. Hang on a second. What is I supposed to look up Chinese buying? All right, here we go. Buying. U.S. E.U.s say no to Chinese China buying the world. Are they buying the world?

China's daily in Wanda Group buys Dick Clark productions for one billion. Now, what the fuck is going on there? There wasn't an American Chinese guy who could have done it. I'll tell you, we got to keep Dick Clark stuff on this side of the border and if elected, I don't even know what the guy owns. Wealthy Chinese buyers are growing a growing force in U.S. real estate. All right, this one seems a little bit. OK, this is the Washington Post.

This seems a little more tethered here to the ground here. After a long and painful slide falling the real estate collapse in 2008, Seattle's property market is enjoying one of the sharpest rises anywhere in the U.S. Boyed by a rapidly expanding economy, there's brought tens of thousands of high paying jobs to the city. Real estate values have nearly doubled since 2000. Since 2009, according to on-light real estate database Zillow. Well, is that really credible?

Zillow is not credible, by the way, because I see what they say, what my house is worth and what the fuck I paid for it. It's not even they're not right. All right, yet while technology billionaires gobbles up real estate. From Puget Sound to Lake Washington, Jim Conlon, a real estate broker, says the real estate catalyst for the sites for the dramatic upswing can be found in China. To be honest, Chinese buyers have been flooding this market for the past few years.

Some of them buy homes site unseen while others travel here for a kind of real estate tourism and buy real estate after only one viewing. Oh, all right. Well, is that bad? Why would that be bad? Like, what exactly could happen if they're buying it all up? I guess that's driving the price up. You know, the banks did it in 2008.

At least these fucking people have money. You know, it's not like back in the day where you made $40 working in a soup kitchen. They go, hey, you want to buy a fucking house for 400 grand? You qualified? Do I? Yeah, sign here. So that's better than the last thing. All right.

Well, maybe it isn't a bubble. All I know is I can't compete with these cunts. So my dream of buying an apartment building in LA is rapidly diminishing. I got an idea. How about one of you China people, you know, can I invest with you? Can I take, can I take 15% of the fucking risk? I'll do that. Come on.

One of you fuckers has got to be listening to this on your Chinese Internet. He allowed to do it. Somebody in Hong Kong. I've been out there. I did a fucking show. Where was you? All right. Indigo girls.

All right. Hey, Bill. So when I was growing up, my mom really loved the Indigo girls. So, so did I. All right. And she wrote in parentheses. No, she wasn't a lesbian. What does that have to do with just Chris?

Are they lesbians? I assume I don't know why I thought if they were, you know, I don't know if it was the Woodstock fucking from peanuts haircut, you know, that a lot of them favor. I don't know. It's really funny how different groups of people, they just favor a haircut like rednecks just love the mullet. You know what I mean? Boston psychos for a while.

The big thing was to shave, like to have no sideburn and just have the straight line, you know, right, right above your ear. Then went to the back to some sort of rat tail, you know, those people with their fucking shell-toed adidas, their clatter rings, dude. So anyway, so probably the first five concerts I went to were Indigo girls. I specifically remember calling and do, oh, 107.3 WAAF. I remember that WAAF. Oh, kick-ass rock and roll was WCOZ.

WAAF was out in Worcester. They used to go Worcester, Boston. It's just like, well, what is it? And they were like, oh, it's Worcester in Boston, fuck in Massachusetts. They were actually out in Worcester, if I remember correctly. Fuck in Boston, Massachusetts kid and asking a DJ for tickets to something because I had only ever seen the Indigo girls and he asked if we had a 12-inch sausage in the freezer. I didn't get it at the time.

I still really like them, but I don't listen to folk rock that much more anymore. Can you believe how just openly like homophobic and crazy people could be back in the day? That Indigo girls singing from the podcast had me belling laughing at my fucking desk at work to the point where people were giving me dirty look. Fuck in Christ. Thank you, man. Seriously, that was the best. Yeah, Indigo girls are great.

That's the only one song that I knew. Closer, closer I am to find. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that song. All right, feminist fan, get the fuck out of here. Hey Bill, I'm a huge fan and a big old feminist. All right, welcome. How are you? My husband played me your epidemic of gold digging horse bit on our third date and I went from

hating you to almost pissing myself laughing in three seconds. I would love to know what bit I did that made you hate me or did you just look at me, which I understand. She said, I've been a devoted fan in a podcast. Listener ever since probably once a month. I'll write a very heartfelt and sincere email to you about something you've said, but then you make an endearing comment like then you make an endearing comment like what the fuck do I know I'm a moron and I realized that I'm also a moron and you're a comedian and I shouldn't take things so seriously.

So I delete the email and move on. Yeah, you know, it's called being an adult. Me knowing that I'm a fucking dope and then you realize that I admitted that I was a dope so then you don't have to be all fucking taken shit seriously. Was that two intellectual people with all the F words in there? All right. She said, but with this election, I still feel I have to write in. Oh, you soft peddling son of a bitch.

You just waltzed me around the warm room. You got me all warm and fuzzy. Now here comes the fucking right up the fucking. Yeah. It comes to the uppercut, but with this election stuff, I feel like I have to write in. Okay. I totally get where you're coming from on how corrupt the Clintons are. This is what every Clinton support.

I get it. She's the devil. Having said that, now I'm going to talk 50 minutes about how fucked up Trump is there. They're both fucking horrific. Anyways, she goes and she goes, okay, let me start. At least give her the chance to fucking say her opinion here before I fucking jump back up on my pasty soapbox here. She said, I totally get where you're coming from on how corrupt the Clintons are and how

fucked up the whole system is and that the Illuminati is probably pulling the strings either way. Well, I'm fucking around when I say that. I just think people, they get a little nuts when they get a lot of power anyways, but on major things you seem to care about like the environment and corporate influence on politics. Trump is on the opposite side of the spectrum for you. As is Hillary Clinton.

As is Obama. What the fuck did Obama ever do? What if Democrats or Republicans, they don't do fucking shit. They don't do anything about any of that fucking, any of this shit that's going on out there. They don't do anything because they need all of their fucking money. So stop with this fucking, they wearing light blue and they care about the butterflies. Hillary Clinton doesn't give a flying fuck about anything. But what other next price of zillion dollar real estate she can park her fucking corrupt

twat on? Oh, that felt good. Right? If that orange-wigged cunt doesn't get there first. Whew. Okay. It's like Clinton is a mechanic that's been working on your car for years and the car runs, but there's always some issue with it.

And even though she'll throw in a free air freshener now and then, she's always pulling shit like getting you to replace your shocks you need to. I don't know anything about cars, so I'm hoping this analogy makes sense. I'm trying to relate to you. So you're like, fuck it. I'm not going to, I'm not going with Clinton anymore. I think I kind of get what you're saying there, but you're really oversimplifying this as does everybody when they're defending the person that they're going to vote for.

I just want you as a fucking human being to just say that Hillary Clinton, you know, is a horrific choice the same way Trump is. That they're fucking horrific choices. No matter how you slice it, you know, if the best thing you say about Clinton is she's not Trump, right? And the best thing you say about Trump is at least she's not Clinton. I mean, to be honest with you, they're fucking, they're animals. Sorry.

But then Trump is some dude on your block who has three rusted out cars in his backyard. No, he isn't. He's constantly defaulting on debt. No, he doesn't. And none of his neighbors have anything nice to say about him. I mean, we went bankrupt like three, four times. He took advantage of the bankruptcy laws, which is totally fucking legal. He's always talking about every professional mechanic is a swindling asshole.

I'll give you that. And he tells you to leave your car with him. All right. But you know what you're leaving out of all of this is that your Hillary Clinton acts like she gives a shit about you as do all Democrats. They act like they give a fuck. Most of them don't. Most of them are no different than the Republicans.

And that's not even because they're bad fucking people. It's because they're all grossly under fucking paid. All right. And most of them, their careers die way before they ever even make it into the Senate and the Senate, you only make a couple hundred grand a year. Now what the fuck are you going to do? So what they do is, is they take all these people's money. Okay.

They get themselves elected. And then after they're fucking out of office and while they're in office, they hook up whatever they ever fucking in the private sector investments they have. Like all like, I forget what the percentages like senators, they make a couple hundred grand a year. They think they're all multifucking millionaires. They're all corrupt pieces. I just can't buy into this fantasy that these Democrats give a fuck, at least not these

two. I believe that Obama cares more about the average individual than Donald Trump without a doubt. And Hillary Clinton, she doesn't give a shit. Oh, she doesn't give a fuck. All right. Whatever. Let's read the rest of this.

And it tells them. So I get why you wouldn't like Clinton. And I agree we liberals can be self-righteous and annoying. Okay. And I think you're just baiting us with the Clinton Trump equivalency stuff, but I love you. Well, no, that's you. Cause you're so into Clinton.

I fucking hate Hillary Clinton. You know, if everything Clinton Trump did, if you just took out the racism, I, I don't think he was as bad as Clinton, but the fact that he's racist, you know, and just attracts those fucking people is that's the big rub. That's the only thing, but I am not snowed on any level by slick Willie or this fucking idiot. I really do not like them. So I'm not just doing this anyways.

She said, I love you, Bill, and I love America and I don't have a helicopter to escape if Trump is elected. Well, you'd need one too. If Hillary is like, Hillary's just going to, do you like the direction the country's going in? Because she is going to be more of the same. It's going to be more of the fucking same. Whatever.

What the fuck do I know? Whatever. Vote for whoever the fuck you want to vote for, but please don't try to fucking. Anyways, love you lots. Please vote for Hillary. You knuckle dragging troglodyte. I don't even know what that means. Yeah.

I don't know. I think like the level of panic that people have if Trump is elected, I get that. But I just wish there was the same amount of panic that then it's going to be Hillary. You know what I mean? I mean, neither one of them have talked about global warming. Neither one of them talked about the population problem. They haven't even addressed the heroin epidemic in this country, created allegedly by the pharmaceutical companies.

None of them talked about that shit. They don't give a fuck. They ain't going to do shit. Trump is going to keep making sure, whichever one of them makes it into the presidency, all you think is going to change is that whoever wins is then going to become even more wealthy. Because Trump's just going to green light any fucking golf course or some bullshit he wants to do, right? I don't know.

I'm so in over my head with this politics shit. But I also, you know, one of the things about being a stand-up comedian and traveling, you get to know people and you know when people are fucking assholes, okay? And these two, you know, I don't know. I just, this is a whole other level. This is a whole other fucking level. All right. I really feel like I fucking annoyed the shit out of all you guys.

Just keep going. Okay, we get it Bill. We get it. All right. Here we go. Dollar Shave Club. Oh, let's do a little advertising here. I'll blow through these and I got a few more questions.

I swear to God, they won't be political. I really feel like I'm starting to be like Lenny Bruce, like reading the fuck. But I don't even have a legal pad or any facts in front of me. People vote who you want to fucking vote for. All right. Just do that. Okay. And then I'll shut the fuck up.

I won't. I'll probably be making jokes about it on Clinton, on Clinton, on Conan. All right. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Guys, you know, you know, to go to Dollar Shave Club for a fantastic shave. What you probably don't know is that they have other amazing products too. The quality is the best on the market. Their body wash is great and it won't dry out your skin.

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Hey, all you Hillary supporters, where the fuck were you when fucking Bernie Sanders were around? You guys all fucking pussied out. And you just got another fucking corrupt fucking cunt in there. And I would say cunt too if it was a guy. So get your fucking tits in a fucking... Don't get your tits in a bunch now. All right, Yoga Lunatic Maniac. Dear old Billy Red Tits, did you happen to catch the latest episodes of HBO's Real Sports with Brian Gumbel?

No, I didn't. I normally don't watch on a regular basis, but felt compelled to check it out after hearing about this yoga guy on the Howard Stern Show. Apparently this nut job is the founder slash creator of Bikram Yoga named after himself, which has done all over the world and seems like it's got a crazy cult following. Basically people travel all over the world and spend over $10,000 to take his classes because they believe he is some sort of spiritual leader. Now allegations are coming out against him that he's sexually abused a bunch of his students and made all sorts of derogatory remarks. People cannot handle positions of power. You know, you can't have this guy everybody listening to what he's saying and a bunch of people bending over in front of him. He's going to take his dick out.

I mean, how did you not see that coming? Anyways, he told Andrea Kramer, who conducted the interview, why would I have to harass women? People spend $1 million for a drop of my sperm. He said that? Holy shit, that's some of the greatest shit talk ever. If that's fucking true, what did she say? He said, why would I have to harass women? People spend $1 million for a drop of my sperm.

Oh my God, did he fucking drop his lapel mic and walk off the set? And when asked about whether he harassed a particular woman, he said, of course not. I would never even piss on her face. She's a psychopath. This is a yoga instructor? This guy sounds like an assistant coach. He also said, it sounds like a gym teacher. He also said he's a million times smarter than any doctor and that every doctor in the world comes to him.

Man, this guy sounds like Donald Trump if he fucking ran a yoga class. Donald Trump's got to put this guy on his ticket. I grabbed the pussies. He pisses in their face. Bikram 2017. This guy seems like he's a little out of his tree. I just wanted to hear what old freckles has to say about this. I posted some links to the story slash video below.

Oh, it's on the Huffington Post. I don't go to that website. Those guys are fucking weird, man. They always act like they're this really big, like credible news source. And then if you just look at the shit they have, you know, top 10 fucking celebrity nose jobs in the corner. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I'll look for those links. I'm not going to that website though.

Jesus Christ, what a fucking lunatic. I got to see that, man. Great interview, huh? As far as like, you know, he's going to give you the quotes. And as much as people at Bryant Gumbels Real Sports were appalled, they were secretly high-fiving each other for the fucking ratings that that was going to get. He said, I got to re-go back. What the fuck these?

Why do I have to harass women? People spend $1 million for a drop of my sperm. Yeah, that's what happens when people fly around the fucking world to come to your yoga class. People go crazy. They can't fucking handle it. A girlfriend of seven years dumped me. Hey, Bill, my girlfriend of seven years dumped me two months after she moved to Connecticut for graduate school. She didn't use those exact words, but she told me she needed time to think

because something is missing in our relationship and she needs time to figure out what it is. Well, dude, you've been with her for fucking seven years, man. I mean, who am I to talk? I was with Nia for nine years before we got married, but we were on the same page as we were both terrified to fucking make that leap. Anyways, I'm not a mind reader, but if someone has been with you for seven years and they need the time to think about whether they still want to be with you, that's not a good sign. Yes, your instincts are correct, I would say.

Since I had this conversation with her, I have been absolutely devastated and depressed. I'm ashamed to admit this, but the other night I found myself on my bedroom floor crying in the fetal position. Well, that's totally normal. And it's also, it's a healthy thing to do. Cry it out of it. Don't drink it out of you or fucking jump off a balcony. Those are dumb shit that men do. All right, women get down on the floor, cry in the fetal position.

I think that's why they live longer. If it was socially acceptable for us to do it. So please continue doing that. It's a valid human emotion that both men and women have that men fight. Yeah, fucking cry it out of you. Good for you. Very mature thing to do. You should not feel ashamed at all.

Then I understand that time heals all wounds, but I have no idea how to start the process of getting over this. Do what you're doing. Cry it out of you and then call your best friend and just say, listen, dude, I'm embarrassed to say this, but I'm fucking devastated. I'm over here crying like a little girl. I got to get me out of the house, man. Take me for a fucking walk like a dog. Just get me get some fresh air. Anyways, he said to keep my mind off her.

I try to space busy by going to the gym and focusing on hobbies, but I can't seem to shake this miserable feeling. How would you handle this situation if you were my shoes? I would accept the fact that that it's going to hurt. Okay. And that you're not going to be able to just go to the gym and take a pottery class and forget a woman that you loved for seven years. What you have to do is understand that it's going to hurt for a while. And you have to rather than run from the pain, sit in it, cry your way through it and then go to the fucking gym. And, you know, the crying things going to last for a little while.

And once you get through that, then just try, you know, even during the crying time, I try to do, I'm going to do something positive today. I'm going to do the dishes, you know, just do little things that are on a list, you know, and then while you're doing that, just start making a list. Of how you want to come out of this. Do you want to come out of this ship? This shit. Yeah, literally this shit. 20 pounds heavier. Or do you want to come out like 10 pounds lighter?

Because you've been going to the gym. You know, do you want to come out of this hating women or hopeful that you, you know, you're with the wrong person. And you haven't, you have a whole new opportunity to meet somebody great. You know, you didn't have any kids. You weren't married. It's a fucking nice, clean breakup. You know, you can totally rebuild your fucking life where you can have the greatest fucking life ever. And then one day you're going to run into her.

She's going to see how fucking happy you are. And it's the fucking moment that you're going to want to be like, yeah, you see that I'm happy. Look at me in my car and my family. And you know what, if you're truly happy, you're not going to have that, hey, fuck you thing to her. You're going to be like, Hey, how are you? Hope you're happy. You know, and you had a great thing that happened is you fucking left me because now you do your older, your wiser, you're going through this fucking thing. Now you're going to really figure out what you like.

I'm telling you, this will end up being the greatest thing that happened to you. But the thing is you got to, you can't be a guy here and try to fucking block out the pain. You got to fucking just sit in it. You know, just fucking go through all of your shit that you bought together that makes you cry and all that shit. Cry, put it on Craigslist. Get the fuck out of there. You know, get through all of that and then maybe just get rid of the shit that she got you. Move to a new fucking place.

Just fucking start over. And then when you meet broads in a fucking bar, you just tell them what's going on with you. Just got out of the seven year thing. It was fucking devastating, but I'm totally hopeful. You know, I want to meet somebody great. And they're always like, Oh my God, that's nice. They're attracted to it. Next thing you know, you're drinking IPAs, you're getting fucking blowjobs with women.

You're not in a relationship with. Look at that. The clouds are parting. All right. All of that shit is in your future, but you got to go through the fucking pain first. All right. That's it. If you were a car, you're a fucking barn find right now.

They haven't even fucking sprayed you off and got the rat shit out of you. You just got to deal with that right now. But the best thing you can do is not bury this shit. The reason why women do so well is because they're allowed to cry. They can cry in front of their fucking friends. They can talk the shit out and they can get past it. We don't. We fucking carry it and carry it and carry it and it affects other relationships.

If you truly want to fucking get past this thing, you got to go through the pain of it. That's what the fuck it. That's what I learned all the fucking times I got dumped. All right. Good luck to you, sir. Go fuck yourselves to the rest of you. I'll check in on you on Thursday. That is it.

And good luck with the voting, everybody. May the best piece of shit win. May. Yeah. Top. Delize it. May with a clever.