Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-22

Episode Date: November 8, 2022

Bill rambles about bankers, campaign tactics, and debt.  Fenway Merch: https://silkshopstores.com/billburrmerch/shop/products/all?page=1 ZipRecruiter: Try it now for free at this exclusive at www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR Stamps.com: Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast. For Monday, November 7th, 2022, what's going on? How are you? It's Sunday afternoon. I'm about to do, I'm in Madison, Wisconsin. If you've never been here, an absolutely amazing college town. This is one of these colleges that makes me wish I studied in high school. You know, makes me wish I applied myself and got student loans and lived at school and got one of these off-campus apartments with the porch and the giant couch in the front and get fucking hammered, right, in major and dentistry or whatever the fuck would have happened. But I didn't. I didn't. But I can walk around the campus now like an old creep. I actually,

I fucking am fighting off a cold here, by the way. I went, I'm working with Nate Craig, who's from the area, who's been absolutely fucking destroying. If you'd like to see a guy before he sells a bunch of, you know, theaters or whatever, go out and go see Nate Craig. Just, Nate Craig, just top notch comedy. I mean, I was sitting there watching him when we were in Grand Rapids. I'm like, this guy's a, he's a, he's fucking killing. He's a beast. So definitely check him out. Half the places where I'm playing at, he's saying to people, hey, catch me when I'm back in a couple of months. So he's out there doing the thing. Shout out to him. And he grew up in this area and took me to this place on the campus to get a Midwest vanilla shake that's a malt. And, you know,

I've been hitting the gym when I've been out here and also, you know, been substance free. Until today, I had a cup of coffee. I finally had a cup of coffee. It was hilarious. I went to this place. I want to say 30 for 30, but that's the ESPN. It's a coffee place in Peoria, Illinois. I was in Peoria, Illinois. What's that? That's a city. Can't say what he said after that. The great Richard Pryor, one of my favorite heckles and comebacks ever. He stayed in character and kept going. First place of Richard Pryor, which I'll get to that in a second. I went out and I got this coffee, got a cappuccino. And, dude, how about these guys that fucking parachute into a goddamn football stadium? Like, how do you even practice for that? My God, which is usually like in a downtown area.

There's all kinds of like skyscrapers. You got Venturis and all of that shit. Anything can blow you off course. It's inevitable. Someday, somebody's shoot isn't going to fucking open and they're going to bounce right on the logo. The NFL will have a moment of silence for five seconds. Spray paint the body pink and they'll stick it in that fucking tent on the sideline and the show will go on. So anyway, I went to get this cup of coffee. By the way, right now I'm currently watching the Rams first Tampa. I bet the Rams because I just overheard that the Tampa's offensive line was banged up. So I was thinking like, All right, they got that lunatic, whatever the fuck his name, that throwback 1960s NFL quarterback, I mean, down lineman on the defense defensive tackle. So I'm

like, All right, he should be, you know, presenting some problems. And this is just not happening to gambling is the funniest fucking shit ever. You fucking dumb cunt catch the fucking ball. Jesus Christ. What the fuck was that? What in the fuck was that wide open? What the fuck was that? It was just one of these track stars. They make a fucking wide receiver. 7 10 in the first quarter. If you're wondering, I'm sure he's a good player. Jesus Christ. Ah, fucking Arizona's winning. I'm gonna go over and four. Come on, Pete Carroll, you sneaky bastard. Get it covered. Just cover for me. Anyway, I remember what I was talking about. Oh, I suppose getting this goddamn coffee, right? And my first coffee in like a week or so, right? No, I had to I had to double

espresso on the way out, whatever. I've been doing great, you know, I had two cups this week. Doesn't have a hold of me. All right, I control. I fucking I get a cappuccino. This lady put a swan in the milk. I've never seen anybody do a swan. That was a new one. And it was a swan. She even outlined the feathers. She was a master, right? So unfortunately, I was great, great fucking protection, great fucking protection. Jesus Christ, I'm gonna I'm gonna go on for this week. You know, it's funny, though, people always, you know, why do you watch sports? It's so fucking stupid. It's like, is it? It's one of the few things you can watch where if you're the best at what you do, they don't give a fuck what ratio you are, you actually get the job. So there's one

for sports. It's better than your superhero movies. They're all fucking white. It looks like goddamn the MLB in the 1920s. Fuck are you giving me shit for? Anyway, just imagine if we did all in this in all of society. You know what I mean? Like how much better did sports get when they let every race compete? Just think of all the fucking scientists, all the fucking mathematicians and all of this stuff. These fucking idiots, this is another one of these white guy fucking elections. You know, you know, I'm a simple guy. But every other election, they have the white guy, I'm a simple guy standing out in a cornfield or in the woods whittling some fucking wood. When a guy says I'm a simple guy, that means he thinks he's smarter than you.

And just this whole fucking idea that he's going to get an office and he has a red tie, and instead of a blue tie, that he's not also going to get bent over a rail and fucked in the ass by the bankers. It's hilarious to me. And the fact that the big bad boogeyman keeping us all down is some fucking nerd in a suit. Dude, there's no way I'm winning this game. Jesus Christ, look at the size of that guy starting the fucking lawnmower. Look at that guy. That's fucking hilarious. He just started a lawnmower and it was a push mower, not even a ride mower. I don't know who that guy is. He just became my famous fucking defensive lineman in the league. Number 50, shout out to him.

Look at that guy. I like how tight his jersey is, too. I think that's brave that he does that. You know, like when a woman's in her third trimester and she's wearing a form-fitting dress, they're like, that's so brave. I think he's brave to go out there, to go out there like that. Anyway, yeah, I'm just a simple guy, you know? And then, so now we're going to go all red, right, on this election. You can feel it. It's going to happen. And then we're going to end up in the same fucking situation. And then next midterm elections, Trump will be back and then we'll have, we'll have, and everyone's going to go blue, and it's going to be a bunch of fucking crying liberals like, oh my god, they're not helping

out the seals, right? And then they're going to fucking everybody's going to run back. This is what I don't understand. Am I really to believe? Like I don't get like how Donald Trump wins in 2016. Help me with the math on this. You know, I'm just a simple guy doing a podcast, just hitting air, whittling on a speaker cord, sitting in a podcast studio. I'm just like you, you know, I put my podcast, podcast pants on, one leg at a tap. Explain to me how all these motherfuckers vote for Donald Trump and he wins, right? And they all fucking love him. And then four years later, he gets his fucking ass kicked in the election, right? He did. Didn't he? I don't know what the fuck the numbers were. I'm just saying he loses. So like what did a bunch

of red people go like? Well, he's got it. He's all right. Or did a bunch of blue people show up who didn't fucking show up the last time? And then the same thing with the midterm elections, right? Going all blue. Let's get these fucking red tie guys out of there. Where were all the red people to be like, Oh, no, you don't. Right? So now it's going to, it's all going to go the other. I just don't fucking buy it. Nobody in four years switches a party. Everybody fucking knows who they're voting for. Everybody already fucking knows. None of it makes sense. It makes as much sense as what they're doing now where they're going like you're not counting the votes unless our guy wins like that whole fucking idea. None of it makes sense. You know, and then people go,

why do you watch sports? Why don't you pick a side? The image fun this country would be if Bernie Sanders became president and they actually worked with them. All of these fucking cunts in the fucking Democratic Party, who the guy wins the nomination and they don't let him fucking run. Then they have Hillary Clinton looking like some old real estate agent runs. Do you know fucking amazing those debates would have been? That's like when you're waiting for Manny Pacquiao in fucking Mayweather to fight. And by the time they did, they were, it was just too old, right? Oh my God, Bernie's saying, I was saying Bernie would win, but that would have been so much more interesting. The two wild cards, you know, we don't

know what's going to happen. I'm going to be talking politics here. Like I think the stupidest shit in the fucking world is after the Democrats and Republicans pick, you know, the stupid ass fucking moron that they're going to have, you know, be the next president. The fact that they then have them debate each other like people don't already know who they're going to vote for, right? You could literally, you know, you could fucking put a goddamn, I don't know what, you could put a chimpanzee in a blue tie with dementia and liberals are going to vote for it, right? And then you could take a fucking horse's ass, not even the rest of the horse and just put a red tie around it. And I like, I like that fucking horse's ass makes a lot fucking sense.

I like the chimpanzee that can't remember how to open a banana. Do you open a banana? Listen, I'm just a simple guy sitting in a hotel room out here in Madison, Wisconsin watching a football game, losing my goddamn money. I did see a good political ad where the guy was shitting on the other guy standing out in the field was shitting on the other guy saying he's an environmental activist. And I'm thinking like, is that, is that bad? My opponent wants clean drinking water. I mean, what next? Vladimir Putin? Is there being, being my fucking barn? Jesus Christ. I blame this backlash on liberals. I blame it all on them and their fucking award shows and wagging their dumb fingers at people, telling people what they

should be doing when they're so fucking elitist they won't even look at 45 of the 50 states. I just fly over those. You know, it's just like, you know, I can't. There's none of Pilates studios in Nebraska. So like, forget that. And then you got all the dumb conservatives out there and fucking Hollywood fucking a placenta and the goddamn infinity poos. So, Bill, what's your solution? I have none. But I would love to see Bernie Sanders. I just, just something about that. He looks like he runs his own like, you know, those guys that fix watches. He just come walking in and they got the glasses on with the magnifying thing. And he just looks up, I'll do that. Right. They fix it right there for you. Like how much to like

five bucks. They're like, what fucking century do you live in that you still there's a guy that fixes watches in my neighborhood. He's like that you fix it. I kept any watch they bring in. He fixes it right when I'm standing there. And he always goes five bucks. I still give him a 20. Oh, what are you the hero of this story, Bill? I think I was. I was speaking of bills last Thursday, if you missed it, I had Bill Maher on my podcast and I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed having him as a guest on my show. I had so much fun with that guy. So check it out. Getting a lot of great feedback and yeah, it was quite the thrill to have him on all these years, watching him from politically incorrect to real time. Oh, Jesus Christ, pick up the fucking ball you

at least they held them to three points. Is that the same guy? That's not the same guy. Tell me that's not the same guy. You know, I think the Rams did. This is what you do. Yeah, Tom Brady's winking. He knows what's going on. They went to those titty bars last night, didn't they, Tommy? He probably set him up with some fucking titty bar Tampa dollars, sent him down to fucking Clearwater. How smart is Gronkowski retiring while he's still young, still in shape, crushing these commercials. Fantastic. Anyways, let's talk some more sports here, people. Let's not talk politics. I was so excited to see Tennessee versus Georgia, you know, and I was bummed that I was going to

miss LSU Alabama because I was going to be on stage, right? Granted, I was on stage in Chicago. So I mean, that's fucking incredible. That alone is incredible. So but they didn't have the game on in the green room. And but I got to see all of Tennessee, Georgia. And I was so fucking excited. I'm like, Oh man, this is going to be some fucking SEC. This is going to be some excitement. They're going to be swapping paint. This is going to be fucking great. Hyatt, who I kept calling Hilton. I knew he's named after a hotel. Hilton Hooker. I mean, it just all sounded like a filthy politician. So I'm like, they're going to they're not going to be able to cover these kids. I mean, they absolutely fucking dominated when they played.

I know they were just running by fucking Alabama. That's Alabama. And then Georgia Bulldogs. All right, they were sitting there in that candle, Tennessee came in and got their fucking asses whipped by a bunch of goddamn dogs. I mean, they kicked the shit. It wasn't even a fucking game ever. They just shut them down. I think they were playing man defense. Absolutely shut them the fuck down. So this is what. So what does that mean? Does that mean Alabama stinks? Does that mean Tennessee just had a good day? Does that mean Georgia is the number one fucking team in the country? Absolutely it does because my LSU Tigers, who I've fallen off the last couple of years, I've been too goddamn busy.

Alabama, the dream ends tonight. Remember that shit? They came in. I didn't come in. Alabama went into Death Valley and unbelievable classic fucking game. Obviously could have gone one way or the other. I caught the overtime. Alabama goes down and scores a touchdown because they're fucking Alabama. And then LSU, are they going to answer? They go down, they score a touchdown, and then they're going to go for two points. And you know me, I'm old school. I'm like, what in the fuck are you doing? Why the fuck would you do that shit? And they actually, they actually scored the two point conversion and won the goddamn game. And I like what Sabin said afterwards. He said, nobody's more upset than these kids in the locker room. He does try to protect those kids. I do like that.

I buy into it. All right. So congratulations to LSU. When was the last time you saw Alabama with two losses during the regular season? You know what that means? That is opening the door for boring ass Ohio State to make it into the playoffs again if they beat Michigan and then get their fucking asses kicked like they always do when they go to the playoffs. I'm just fucking with you, Ohio State. I don't know anything about you this year. I just like, you know, I like talking shit. Okay. All right. Sue me. I like to have a good time on my podcast. It's my podcast. I can talk about what I want. I'll tell you what fucking pissed me off earlier today. My dumb ass. I thought I'd been on the Packers. I didn't and I'm watching them. Okay. They go down to the goddamn goal line.

They don't, you know, they catch what Aaron throws a pass. This guy might have been passing a fair and something. He pushed the fucking corner back down. Look better in the replay than maybe he didn't. He zigzag, zigzags down, dives in the ends over his knees down. He's on the fucking one yard line. Right. They got three players to put it in. They can't put it in. It's the first fucking quarter. You lost four games in a fucking row. Kick the goddamn field goal. What do they do? They fucking go for it. End up throwing an interception and they get nothing. They get no fucking points and now they're feeling like shit and the lines are feeling great. Right. I don't understand this analytic shit. Like how long are these fucking jocks going to listen

to the fucking math team? You know, and I know what all you fucking youngsters are saying. You guys are all saying, well, Bill, the final score was 15 to nine, so it didn't matter. They do that shit. It's like, it does matter. It does matter because it changes the entire energy of the game to have a team down there first to go on the one yard line. It's a little bit of a moral victory, even if you just get a field goal. But when you come back out with a turnover and nothing, that just gives the other team a fucking lift. I think it is the stupidest shit in the fucking world. It's the first quarter. Get some points on the fucking board. You throw a fucking pick and then the defense goes out there like, oh, Jesus Christ.

And we go again, you know, it's still tied and the lines are like, I can't believe we're still in this. Are we even a franchise? I mean, we literally have not won any title whatsoever since the Korean conflict. I don't know. It's just fucking, it's just unforgivable, if you ask me. Unforgivable, like, oh, there's a flag laying there. Please tell me that's a holding call on the defense, the receiver, something. Yeah, but just know you're going to lose a bet in the first quarter. I can already feel it. Like the tone has been set. Offsides, defense. I love it. Repeat, second down. Why does he get a band-aid around his fucking, a rubber band? I guess it's the string for his whistle.

It's weird. I wonder if those officials get fucking tonitis after a while blowing that fucking thing. You know, if I was an official, I would have that whistle around my neck even when I came home to my wife. The second she started giving me shit, I'd fucking blow the whistle. I'd come up with some sort of fucking, some sort of penalty. Personal foul. Tell me what you think. The fucking Patriots won. The Bruins keep on winning. Oh, congratulations to the Houston Assholes, winning their first legitimate World Series while getting credit for two. God bless you. I'm happy for Dusty Baker. I am happy for Dusty Baker, but it really fucking annoyed the shit out of me. I don't give a fuck that they cheated. I just annoys me that

they don't get any shit for it. And they finally figured fucking brought it up to Dusty after the whole series. And he's like, oh, the rest of the world's talking about it. It's like the rest of the world isn't talking about it. There was a fucking gag order around it. That was my problem. All right, for all you guys who got confused going, I thought you said you didn't care. It's like, yeah, I don't care. I don't care that you did it. What bugs me is that you didn't get shit for it. And then I ran into one smug fucking Houston Astros fan who just smiled through all I go, everybody does it. Everybody doesn't put a camera in the fucking outfield and wire up their fucking players and bang on a trash can. They

don't. They simply don't. And speaking of trash cans, I have a fucking conspiracy theory for you. I think home depot causes the hurricanes in Florida. It's going to put that out there. Because once the water goes back out, you know, and you see what's left, where do you go? You got to go to Home Depot and you got to fucking rebuild. And they got all that drywall in there. Let me ask you a question. All of these fucking people, all of these fucking poor people in these goddamn, I don't mean they're poor. They don't have any money. This is empathy. All right. Which is really difficult for someone who lives in Hollywood. I mean, it's a red state. I'd prefer to fly over Florida. No, I love Florida.

Anyway, these poor people, they fucking lose everything. Everything they have in their house gets fucking washed down the street. Okay. Home Depot is in the same fucking towns and the next day they're fucking open and none of their supplies get wet. And you explain that to me. You know, you're telling me the water can't get through those fucking electronic double doors. I don't buy it. I think they're fucking with the weather. There you go. Run with that one. Post that one on the internet. Listen, I'm just a simple guy trying to figure out why there's hurricanes. You know, why do hurricanes only attack the red states? Why is that? Because of the fucking liberals. All right. Why does LA catch on fire? Because you're devils.

All right. Sorry. I had a milkshake. I might be a little hopped up on sugar here. So please forgive me for a lot of this fucking bullshit that I'm talking this week. Let's do a couple of reads here for the week. Oh, first, I got to tell you my new plan. This is my new plan for old Billy habitual is every month I'm going to do what I did. Did you did the fucking Carolina? No, they didn't come back and fucking cover 10, 7 Seattle, sneaky Pete. Oh, sneaky Pete. What you got up your sleeve cover. Um, what's I going to say? Uh, oh, so this is my new thing. Every month I'm going to go do a 10 day cleanse where I just don't do shit for 10 days. I don't have coffee. I don't have cigars, sodas, nothing. They don't take a hit of weed, none of that shit. Just so

nothing gets ahold of me. Right. I'll eat right and all of that type of shit. You just go 10 days and then the other fucking 20 days, I can do whatever the fuck I want. But that's fine because it'll take a minute for me to get ramped up again. You know, I like this. I like this play going nowhere. I love this play going nowhere. That was fucking great. Hey, you know, Cooper cups, one of the best wide receivers in the league. You know, we should do handed off to him like he's running back. Let's see. Let's see how that works. I think Home Depot fixed this fucking game too. Who's this number 45? He's always great. I always forget his name. White. All right. Anyway, so that's, that's my game plan. What do you guys think about that? And I just keep going to the gym. There you go.

You throw it to him. You fucking throw it to him. Exactly. Exactly. Touchdown, Cooper cup. Thank you. No flags. No flags. No flags. No flags. There you go. Jesus Christ. What's the name of their fucking coach? Ryan Seacrest. He's just too young and good looking to be a coach. Just doesn't make any sense. There you go. Oh, I love that replay. Little stiff arm and a touchdown. Maybe handing it off to him was the misdirection that they needed. Yeah, Bill, considering you've never coached on any level, why don't you shut your freckled face there? All right, let's do, uh, let's do a little, uh, let's do a little advertising here. Shall we? Oh, look who it is. Everybody. It's old zip.

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Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page and enter burr. B U R R. All right. Okay. Here's a part of the podcast. I am going to give it up to the Astros. It was an amazing run and the fact that you got caught cheating and you lost like fucking 10 draft picks and all that and you still came in strong like that. I got to tip my cap to you. All right. For this one, I'll give it to you and I love Dusty Baker there. I said it and I also have a newfound respect for not Bradley Cooper. What the fuck's his name? Baker Mayfield. What's the guy with the B? Bryce Harper. That fucking guy is a gamer and he's a leader and all this shit that people have said about him. He's a guy. He gets a lot of shit. That fucking guy's the man.

Anyway, so there you go. Congratulations, Houston. All right. Okay. Coffee addict. Oh, here we go. Here we go. I'm not a coffee addict anymore. I have it under control. Oh, Jesus. I just fucking moved this around. Where the hell did it go here? There you go. That's what I'm talking about. Donald getting in the backfield. All right. Coffee addict. Dear Billy Big Brains. Long time listener. Thank you for all the great free content. Well, thank you for listening. You know, and thank all you guys too. This has been like the sickest tour I've ever been on in my life. The venues that I've been able to play like last night in Peoria, Illinois. I wish you guys could have gone to that show.

The level that I was fucking teasing those people. It was at 35, 32 to the fucking dolphins not covered. God damn it. How does Vegas know? Was it three and a half? That drives me up the fuck. How about the jets? How about the fucking jets beating the bills? And how about my dumb ass not betting on the jets? Because that's one of my theories that I don't give a fuck how good a team is and how bad the other team is. The jets are good this year. Really good. I don't give a fuck what it is. Those division rivalry games are always close. So if there's a knife, if it's got a good spread, you take the underdog and I didn't do it. Anyway, but wish you guys could have been on that show last night in Peoria, Illinois.

The shit I was saying and the amount that I was teasing them acting like they were all farmers and they were so fucking cool. They totally rolled with it and laughed. You know, I kept fucking with them going. I know you guys. I know you guys, you know, a lot of you guys like build fucking apps and shit, but I just kept acting like they were all living out in a farmhouse by themselves. You know, and some of them were like serial killers. And we played in this old like old school, like hockey barn. Just the way they used to make the contour like the seats, like it was on either end, they were like lower. And then when you went like centerized stuff, it went all the way up like a wave. And then like the final row on the top of either side would have

like four seats and then all the way down would have like, you know, like 50, like those really cool sort of 70s looking thing. I would love to come back and go to a game and they had like, they had a banner up there for 1957, the NIT champions. And I'm thinking like, God, the people that must have played in this building over the years. And then my dumb ass gets to go out there and tell my shit jokes. You know, I was in Chicago. I played, I played the United Center fucking looking up at the Blackhawks Stanley Cup banners when I'm on stage talking about my dick. It doesn't make any sense. Fans are crazy good there. A lot of these places though, I really do miss doing a couple of nights there. Because there's so many places like, especially Chicago,

I've been in like a zillion times. So there's all these food spots that I love to eat at. I got a great Italian sandwich and they totally hooked me up with the cannoli. I got to get you, I'm going to get you the name of that place on the next podcast. I got to give them a shout out. I just don't have it. It's one of the, you know, Giovanni's or some shit like that. But they were totally cool mom and pop type of place right on the corner across some like the Nobu hotel, whatever that place is, I'm going to find out the name. You know what? Fuck this. I'm going to find out the name right now. All right. They were nice enough to give me not one, not two, but three free cannolis. And it just so happened, you know, that I was fucking traveling

with Nate Craig and club soda Kenny. Let me see if this is going to work. I'm recording right now on my phone. So they're not going to let me, not going to let me do it. Let's see here. Nobu hotel, the Nobu hotel. That's a fucking great hotel, but it's like one of those things you just cannot find a fucking light switch to save your life, to save your fucking life. Oh, there it is. There it is. Shout out to JP Graziano. Graziano, hook me up with an absolutely delicious Italian sandwich and not one, not two, but three cannolis. They gave me a t-shirt, the whole thing. I stand by these guys. They're on West Randolph Street and North Peoria Street, diagonally across from the Nobu hotel. Old school, family run, family run. The lady behind the cash register was the mom and

the daughter was getting married and she goes, you look like Bill Burr. I said, I am Bill Burr. She's like, oh my God, can I give you a hug? That's what she said. She didn't want a picture. She gave me a hug and they gave me three cannolis. Come on. Make sure you go buy that place. Good people. And then I like the guy behind the counter. He called me guy like 15 times. What do you want, guy? And before that, I was in Grand Rapids. Had a great time there. It's just been an amazing run around the country. Tonight I'm in Madison, Wisconsin. So thank you to everybody who's been coming out. There you go. All right. That's me with my comedy hat in hand there. All right. Long time listener, thank you for all the great free content. Have you ever thought

about having just six ounces of coffee instead of three fucking espressos each time you reach for the stuff? Well, what I like about the espresso, two things I like about the espresso is there's like no calories in it according to the one place I Googled. And then also what I like about the espresso is you cannot hide behind whether you know how to make a cup of coffee or not. If you can make an espresso, have that flavor and not taste all burnt like they do with like Starbucks, then you know that to me that's that's the margarita pizza. I go to a new place for a pizza. I always order a plane like a margarita or whatever because you can't hide behind your topics. All right. So that's why I do that. I get the double because it's just gone too quick.

Um, okay. Anyway, but this person says, but seriously, think about it. All right. Dot, dot, dot little ellipses gives me a chance to think about it. It's just six ounces of standard wah wah coffee. There's about a hundred milligrams of caffeine. Neuroscience agrees that this is the correct dose when you are trying to stay alert without negative sign of side effects. I didn't realize that in medicine. This concept is called the minimal effective dose. All right. You know what you're, you're talking about neuroscience and then you just said in medicine. So I'm guessing that you're in this, uh, you're in this world. So I, I listen to doctors. I'm weird. That's what I do. I love vaccines, by the way. I just got the shingles one. I feel

great. I don't have a problem with anybody with authority. You know, there's a tracking device in me now. I mean, I love it. Um, I am just tapped into the fucking matrix. Um, anyways, which is the goal when medicating with anything is to have the minimum effective dose. Yeah. Cause you motherfuckers don't want to cure nothing. Do you? You want us to keep coming back and get our fix? Um, anyway, you fucking clock suckers. I'm anyway, I'm not a doctor. Oh Jesus, but why are you talking like one? This has helped me do it. I got to tell you something, man. If you're like leaning out of the caprio and catch me if the kid said in medicine, this concept is called the minimal effective dose. Did you just memorize that? So you can be that douche at a cocktail party?

I'm just jealous cause you sounded like a doctor when I was, I'm embarrassed, I believed. I thought you were. Anyway, I'm not a doctor, but this has helped me along with decaf still maintaining a nice morning jolt without feeling like a piece of shit. Oh, and then in the end he, he ends up being a good shit, you know, trying to help me out. Um, how about this? How about I just have one cup every week and I drink whatever the fuck I want? And then I actually learn how to have like some sort of control. Like I kind of, you know, ideally I would feel like on a day when I don't have to work and I got a good night's sleep or whatever, you know, I could get up on like a Sunday morning, take my kids out to breakfast, hold my wife's hand, you know, have a nice morning and then just sit down,

you know, after I play with my kids and they're going down for their naps or whatever, I could just sit down and have a nice cup of coffee. And if I did that once a week, I think that would be all right. All right. You know, but I, I appreciate you trying to help me out because I'm, I'm O'Billy on or off. That's my deal. And I'd like to be like O'Billy responsible. O'Billy, I think I've had enough, you know, time to go home freckles. All right, dating and, but I'll take your advice there. And just a six ounce, six ounces of standard Wawa coffee. There's about a hundred milligrams of caffeine. Six ounces. Jesus, a pony size. I do like the cappuccinos because a lot of them, they don't look like they're more than six ounces, but it is a double espresso shot in there

with the milk. I don't know, man. Listen, I don't drink anymore. I don't fuck with weed that much occasionally, you know, whatever. You know, I don't know. I'm bored, man. But I got to tell you, though, I fucking, you know, when I just took myself off of everything, I was sleeping like a baby because, and then I figured out, yeah, that's because a baby doesn't smoke a cigar and have a double espresso. That's why they're fucking sleeping. Everybody thinks it's because they're tired and they're growing so much. That's not the truth. They're just not addicted to anything yet other than ruining your night's sleep. All right, dating and in debt. Oh, brother, you just described most of the people in this country. Dude, these fucking banker cunts, they literally have people choosing

gas prices over the environment because everybody, if gas prices goes too high, the amount of people that are immediately underwater because the price of everything goes up. It's so fucking ridiculous. And the only reason why the price of gas goes up is because those cunts stop producing it, not because there isn't enough. There's so many things like that. Like, you know, for half a second, you know, my wife started taking me to museums. I don't think about that for a second. You want to talk about somebody climbing the walls? That's actually not true. I actually really gained an appreciation for a lot of that shit that I just thought was bullshit, you know? Like, I still like pictures of shit. That's shit that I recognize as opposed to some

somebody's acid-fueled collage board or whatever, dream board, you know? But anyway, I completely forgot what the fuck I was talking about. The fuck was I talking about? I don't know. Who gives a shit about this? Probably nothing. Something about politics, wasn't it? Something about banks? What was I talking about? Fucking NIT championships. Dating and... Oh, that's right. People are just being like fucking... Oh, the art world. There's like, I guess like five families. I'm just going to say five and they like control the prices. You know what I think they actually do? I think they buy works from unknown artists and then they kill them. That's what they do. And then they say this guy is the

shit and then they own it and then they fucking sell it to all of these people. And I think somehow Home Depot is bankrolling them, right? Did you hear they put the vaccine in Starbucks coffee? I'm fucking with you. All right. Dating and in debt. Dear Billion, I saw the credit card debt in the United States broke a new all-time high record at 930 million. Yeesh. That's what the person says. I'm kind of psyched. It's under a billion. You know what would be fucking amazing? We all just helped each other out. It's like winning the lottery and people get you out of credit card debt. But the problem is,

is people would immediately get back in it. So you'd have to like... It's all like education. You got to get people, you know, you can't just give somebody fucking money. Because most people, I think they're going to get into more debt with it. That's brutal. I remember having brutal credit card debt and just being behind it. And I was just paying interest and doing all of that. This is my warehouse days and driving my old truck and I had a car payment and all of that shit. And I just remember, I was still like living at home and I still got just sucked at money. And fortunately, had somebody like break it down for me and really helped me out.

And then when I started doing standup, I started making money. And I got to the point where I was making as much money as a comedian as I was working, making in my day job. And I kept my day job. And I just, look at that fucking lunatic. Jesus Christ. Was that guy the Tampa Bay Rhino? That was terrifying. 801 left in the second quarter, if you're watching this. All right. So, yeah. And then what I did was I just, I paid down, I paid down my credit cards and then I paid off my student loans and I just kept working and working. And then I built up a nest egg because I knew I was moving to New York City.

And I was anticipating that I'd have to get a job and I just didn't want to go down there with like nothing. I mean, I essentially did. I didn't own anything. But what the fuck was that guy thrown into like three goddamn buccaneers for? Anyway, that's brutal, man. And people have to live like that. And then that causes them. That's terrible. These fucking banker cunts. Also, according to the article, 22% of millennials are going into debt trying to date. That's, what does that mean? I can see this happening. It costs $100 to go out for sushi and drinks and most millennials don't make much money because they don't work or they chased shitty

dreams while not sacrificing anything for it. Now, see that right there is when you're blaming victims. It's just like, what do you, like they're a victim of the shit. No, why doesn't anybody look at the fucking bankers for putting people into these goddamn situations? What about the way corporations overwork and underpay people? What about that? You know what I mean? What about that? I've been paying into social security my entire adult life and now these cunts are going to come in here and just take it away from me. Okay, great. When there's no social security, can I have my fucking money back that I paid into it that you were taking out of my fucking check? That's unreal. I noticed that too, like after the pandemic, they go,

people don't want to work. It's like, or they don't want to work the way that they were working. Maybe if they were getting fucking treated like human beings instead of like fucking animals, they'd be a little more excited to leave their house. These fucking assholes have us all running on the wheels and then we just like blame each other and it's stupid. We need some solidarity, man. Anyway, I know that I know this because I am one. I am one. Oh, this guy's shitting on millennials. I know this because I am one. Geez, I'm all for two here. It's like my fucking football picks. The last guy I thought was a doctor. He wasn't one. This person I thought wasn't a millennial turns out they are. Well, Billy left turn when he should have gone right there.

I know this because I am one and I pursue the arts as a means of income and watch lots of them try and live the lifestyle without having done shit or earned any money. Is there anything sadder than the guy who flexes when he has nothing? Yeah, I mean, that's just stupid. Okay, I'll give you that. I'll give you that. I didn't know that's the direction you were going in on it. Okay, all right. I still believe that shit about banks, but that doesn't apply if you're going out and you're just lighting up your card. You're trying to, I mean, what are you attracting too? You know, you got to, you know, just be who you are. Just say, listen, I'd like to take out for a cup of coffee. I'm swimming in credit card debt

and I need to figure out how to get out of this shit. Okay. And when the red bottom shoes whore walks away from you, just know that that saved you hundreds of millions of dollars. Anyways, remind me of the stories you and your generation of comics tell about being broke and roughing it on a futon. I almost never see that. Yeah. Well, you know, in defense of you guys, there wasn't any Instagram and everybody acting like they had a whole bunch of money and presenting, most of them presenting a lie of how much stuff they have or what they actually look like, the shape that they're in. And, you know, like, or even just the lie that having a bunch of stuff is going to make you happy. Anyway, I almost never see that. He said, when I started an art, I saw kids, young people,

blow through money they didn't have to keep up appearances. I found my place in it all and I do very well now. I drove a hand-me-down car and never upgraded my phone unless I needed to. Smart man. Those plus a million other small sacrifices and I'm doing okay enough to not have to worry about the cost of dating. I want to feel bad for ones that are struggling, but it's like your take on those fat people losing weight shows. They enjoyed eight or so years of having anything they wanted and now they're crying because it didn't work out. Insert a soaps fable. I don't know what that means. All right, let's get to the next one here. All right, wife says, you repeat yourself. Oh yeah, I wouldn't argue with that.

Dear Bill Gazette, I watch you on all your appearances and listen to all your podcasts. I enjoy hearing you make your points to different people and hearing their reactions. My wife says you repeat yourself a lot. She knows nothing about sports, but seems to know all about the flake gate, NFL championships, and now the Astros. Yeah, because I'm trying to get that out there. I was wondering if you get that a lot or if my wife is just being annoying. Does Nia ever complain about this? Oh my God, if you guys could hear how if you think my wife is funny on this podcast, when I'm off the podcast, she is fucking hilarious. She absolutely destroys me. She was doing an impression of me the other night. Then after a while, I just stopped

laughing. I was just looking at her like how beautiful she is and how fucking talented. She doesn't even know how fucking funny she is sometimes. She's fucking hilarious. Absolutely. My wife gives me shit in a loving, funny way about everything that I do. Yeah, she's always saying I never shut up. She would, she would fucking high five your wife. And your wife is right. She's not being annoying. I do repeat myself a lot. You know, I don't read a lot. I don't have a lot to say, but I got a lot of time to cover. So yes, anyway, PS, after writing the above, I read some comments on YouTube and she might not be the only one. Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's what I do. And I'll keep doing it. All right, with your passive-aggressive

thing like, you know, hey, I'm not saying it. My wife's saying it. But then I read some YouTube comments. This is, I gotta be honest with you, this is a classic internet cunt thing to do, is to go out and be like, oh, there's something negative about somebody who's doing well. Let me see if I can get some facts about it. Your quote facts. Yeah, well, keep reading YouTube comments. I don't give a fuck. And I'll keep repeating myself. All right, hacky campaigns. Yo, Billy on the hilly. By the way, I don't have a problem with your wife. Your wife's funny. You, you're a cunt. You're a little sideways cunt. You lay in the weeds. I didn't like that. I didn't like the PS. I liked everything until the PS, right? When you sneakily tried to put your balls

on the table for half a second, fucking knock that down. There you go. All right, hacky campaigns. Yo, Billy on the hilly. All politics aside, the mailers that that go out during election seasons are pathetic. I know. Yeah, can they talk down to you anymore? Like, how dumb do they think liberals and conservative conservatives are? The average person, I should say. First off, I hate getting all that mail. I know it kills a bunch of trees and it doesn't sway you one way or the other. I think maybe like with the questions, like vote no on fucking 26, like trying to figure out what's going, miss this fucking field goal, miss it you son of a bitch, hook, hook, push it wide, push it wide, and it's blocked. Huge, fucking huge. Oh, that's demoralizing. That'll, that'll

put a fucking, that'll put a fly in the ointment right there. I love it. First off, I hate getting all that mail. Second, if I try and read anything, it makes me lose my mind. Specifically, one guy whose name I won't use, but here's his shtick. He has a woman's name. Okay, Jackie, something or other. Flat out, it's a woman's name. All right, so it's not Jackie or Terry. Is it Priscilla? I'm not talking about one that goes both ways. I'm talking about a name you've never heard a guy have. Julie, up to you if you want to read it on air. His name is nine up because I don't, I don't want to get into the politics. I go over either side and I go at the bankers and I don't even know if I'm right, but that feels better to do than to just be some douche, blaming that, you know, red or blue.

Going deep, nothing there. The fuck was that? That's good. That keeps the cornerbacks honest. Now throw it underneath. Maybe throw something underneath. I don't know. I don't know what the purpose of that was. Anyway, but here's the kicker. Not only would someone go, oh, I'll vote for a lady for a change. Wait a minute. Let's see. Let me go. I missed something here. Okay, I'm not going to read it on the air. He said, and he purposely puts women on the front of all his mailers. Yeah, this guy's a genius. This guy's a genius. He's not, he's steering in. I mean, if he's a conservative, this is like suicidal. What if he's a liberal? I mean, yeah, yeah, everyone's going to think that he cares.

Anyway, but here's the kicker. Not only would someone go, oh, I'll vote for a lady for a change. He has his wife who happens to be black front and center on the mailers. So now it becomes, oh, I'll vote for this candidate who can bring some diversity. Yeah. Nope. It's just a dopey white guy who knows people won't completely unfold the mailer before trashing it and thinks it's his wife running for office and her name is his. Looking forward to your next special. Nia hits the stage. No, I get it. I sent her out there instead of me so I can be the woke comedian. I hate that even I shouldn't be saying that white people should not be using the term woke unless they actually know what the fuck it means. And then they wouldn't use it rather than taking

it and then making it mean something else. Here's one for me repeating again. There's literally a fucking YouTube video out there that is a collection says a collection of Karen's. Karen's used to be it was a white woman making up a lie. Okay. Coming up with some bullshit, saying it about a black person and they either end up dead or in jail. Now, once white people got a hold of it, you know, when white women started calling other white women's Karen's, you know, just so they wouldn't be labeled as one because they're using the term. It now just became like it's just women screaming upset about, you know, in like a fucking a convenience store. And I'm watching the compilation in the compilation of Karen's. They had a black woman and then it just

completely changes the, the, the meaning of it and the point behind all of it where you could behind all of it where you could have learned something, you know, learn about an injustice. Now it just becomes just bland horseshit. Anyway, I'm off my fucking soapbox. The fuck was I reading about here? Why did everything just go away? Probably because you were preaching bill. All right. Well, there you go. Anyway, plowing ahead here. Yeah, tonight's the last night on this run. And then I end up back in LA and all I have left people. I just have on this tour, I just have three more road trips, three, three and three. I got nine more shows left after tonight. I'm into the single digits. Biggest tour I've ever done. The most fun I've had. Not going to lie to you. It

was a little, you know, freaking me out, you know, in the beginning and then with that Boston gig hanging over my head, you know, oh, well, Freckles was having a rough one. Maybe that's why I was drinking so much coffee and smoking. But tell me, you guys, what do you guys think about that? You know, do it with me every, the first 10, first 10 days of every month, right? You just shut it down. Take stock to see where you're at, right? And then whatever your little vice is. I mean, as far as the way I work, I can just sort of gradually get back into it. But, you know, after a couple of weeks, it starts to ramp up again. But then, oh boy, here's another month, another 10 days off. And then I just feel like nothing ever gets, will get a hold of me for, you know, long

enough that it's going to do like damage. Does that make any sense? Like, it's like, how about like eating like shit? Because I'm kind of including that too. Like, say what you want about going veggie. I mean, I fuck it. I've run into a couple people that like, are just vegetarian and they're like glowing. You know, I will tell you this, as much as people shit on vegetarians, I've never, well, that's not true. That's not true. It's been a while since I've seen a fat fuck vegetarian, used to see it a lot. Because they're like, I'm a vegetarian and they're eating like potato chips. But if you're actually a vegetarian that is eating vegetables, but even then, then you've got to watch out because they spray them with so many pesticides. I don't know, dude. You know, I got,

I got to start growing my own food. Oh, Jesus, Bill, you've been on the road too long here. I really feel like, you know, just to have something, just to have something when the shit hits the fan, right? Get myself a couple of grenades and some guns, you know, got some tomatoes and some fucking pears or whatever. Then I'll be all right, you know? I don't know. Oh, you know what you do? You just keep living like nothing bad's ever going to happen, and you get one cyanide pill, right? For everybody you love, and they're like, up, they're coming up the walk. Everybody one, two, see you on the other side. And you just totally just fucking buy into everything that they're selling you on TV,

right? The food, the jet ski, the Super Bowl party, fucking everything. Are they going to call pass interference there? Oh, they should. Yeah, they absolutely should. Absolutely should. Did they call pass interference? They did not. Just giving them a fucking chest massage. That was the weirdest pass I've ever seen in a completion. Tom Brady, Tom Brady doing what he does best. Go ahead. Go into the, oh, they're not in a prevent. I don't know what the fuck they're doing here. Tom Brady, watch this. Watch this. Minutes 16 left. The greatest to ever do it. Complete, first down, big cushion. What is the point of this? What is the fucking point? You stopped them the whole fucking first half. He knows how to use the clock. This whole giving them the middle

of the field is not going to fucking work. You're just giving them three points here. Why the fuck would you do this? He's going to have three shots at the fucking end zone if you keep this up. Well, thank God that idiot just dropped the ball. Jesus Christ. Does he have the analytics guys in the field now? That's just a classic play where you start running before you got the ball. All you youngsters out there, all right, 48 seconds left. This is already, he's already gotten them three points. Oh, unless his team fucks them, unless his team fucks them four net for a first down. Did somebody jump offside? So we got, we got a false start. Tom's walking forward. He's walking

forward. Tom's walking forward. Tom's walking back. He wants to inspire change off sides on the defense. It's declined in a first down. Great. Fantastic. Stop it up. The whole fucking first, whole fucking first half. Ryan Seacrest, no fucking clue what he's doing. Don't give a shit if he has a ring in 28 shows. Leonard four net in the backfield. Tom Brady back to pass dumps it off for net. There's another fucking five yards, four yards, 36 seconds. What you're listening to is audio of the prevent defense once again, preventing you from stopping the offense. Who the fuck came up with the prevent defense? The NFL commissioner. People like offense. They don't, they don't like a great defense. They don't want to see a seven to three game.

They don't want to see the Rams cover at seven to three. They want to seem cover at 37 to 33. That's, that's, that's what we're really going for here. Oh Jesus Christ. Everybody chewing on their fucking mouth guards now because that guy in the goddamn Warriors. All right. What do we got here? Second and five. He's literally going to have a shot at the end zone here if he completes this. Oh thank God these, that's nice defense though. Kendrick thinks he just won the Super Bowl again. I mean, what are these defensive players so excited about? There he got, he got there early. He got there early. That was actually pass interference.

All right. Here we go. Tom Brady back to pass, standing tall in the pocket, going for the end zone, and nothing. A bit of a waste to play there if you ask me. Number six, still loving himself. Still loving himself. Probably gets dressed like that in the morning with each article of clothing he puts on. He starts fucking talking shit. All right. Oh, I guess that was third down. Should have gone underneath for the first. That's what I would have done with my zero rings. You know, that guy was seven rings. I think he did it wrong. All right. Now with the dumb grass. The hurricane was last week,

buddy. Just fucking kick the fucking ball. I literally thought for a second that was Denzel's brother. Maybe his nephew. All right. He's lining up for a kick. Once again, the prevent defense fucks you in the age three points right there. Now the Buccaneers are covering. Great call, man. Great call. You had a four point fucking lead. Now it's down to one point. Fantastic. Hey, but they didn't score a touchdown. Let's just give them fucking three points. You know who I blame? Home Depot. I blame Home Depot. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Vertrouu Instinct. Volg u Verstad. Info and forwarding on bmw.be.