Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 11-9-15

Episode Date: November 10, 2015

Bill rambles about the 96 Bulls, Connie Chung and the upside of nuclear war.

of Abraham. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, November 9th, 2015. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? Easing into Thanksgiving. I apologize for the podcast being so late and the peas popping on the microphone. Turn that down there. I've just been traveling like a maniac, man. I've been everywhere, man. I did Philly, and then I did Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, and then I went to Daytona, Florida, and oh, what a time I had. What a fucking time for old freckles. It's good to be freckles these days. His fucking year is winding down. I always wonder what my neighbors think when I fucking come back to New York.

Where has that loud cunt been in a fucking coma? I haven't heard his stupid podcast forever. Let me fucking roach and fest it. God, the apartment back here came walking in like this, just fucking, you know. I have the guy come in and spray it, but I don't know. They still get in here, you know. They're just fucking dead everywhere. But they're so fucking old from being dead, right? I pick them up and like the antenna stays on the floor. It's fucking gross. So anyways, what was I talking about? I don't even remember. Whatever. Yeah, I've just been all over the place. So I want to thank everybody that came out to my shows this weekend in Philadelphia, in Bethlehem, and in Daytona.

I had a fucking awesome time. And each show was special in its own little way. The first fucking night was the Philly show, right? So I go to Philly, and contrary to one fucking YouTube video, everybody thinks I hate Philly. I don't. I was actually, this is some shit I've never really even told you guys. I was actually a Flyers fan growing up because when I first started watching hockey, I loved the fact that you could fight. And that's what the Flyers did. So I loved them. You know, I was too, too young to remember them beating us in the Stanley Cup final in the 70s.

So I didn't have any bad will against the guys. I just knew that they beat the fuck out of people. And who doesn't want to watch that, you know? I eased my way into violence, you know? I started off by getting my ass kicked by my older brother. Then I started watching Rasslin. And then I moved on to hockey, right? Years later, I'm watching the UFC.

It just keeps progressively getting more fun. I watch those knockout videos. I watch people getting slapped, you know? There has to be a fucking word for the level of excited the person holding the cell phone camera has when they start screaming World Star. It literally sounds like they're on fire. They're so fucking excited that they filmed the knockout and that they're going to get it on the fucking website. Like, they're almost like peeing themselves. I do an impression of it, but I have a show I have to do in about eight days and it would shred my fucking voice.

I was going to lie to you and say I was going to try and find the clip. I have no idea where the clip is, but... So anyway, so I got into Philly on Thursday night. I had the big shoe, really big shoe there on Friday. So I was like, all right, let me go out and get a cheesesteak. It was really late and I didn't have a car and I just said fuck it. I said to the guys downstairs, all right, where's the closest place to get a good one? And they kind of made a face.

All right, go down the corner. So I went to this place, Kavanaugh's. It's a sports bar. One of the coolest thing I saw, they had the fucking Philly's 1980 World Series banner in there, which was cool. And I went in, I got it with the tater tots and I got to tell you, it was pretty fucking tasty. Pretty goddamn tasty. Straight across the board, I give the fucking cheesesteak at Kavanaugh's the fucking thumbs up. Right? So then the next day, right, we got the show.

So I'm walking around, I'm doing what I always do when I go to Philly, right? Fucking checking out the downtown area and I always end up over at Mitchell and Ness just to see what the fuck they have. And I bought my god son something and what else did I do? I just walked around, I fucking, you know, I enjoy the goddamn city. I don't do the touristy shit. You know, I meant to check out the Joe Fraser fucking statue, but I didn't have time. So anyways, so we got to go do the fucking show, right? It's at the Wells Fargo Arena, speaking of the Flyers and the fucking 76ers and all that shit.

So me, Verzi, and Joe Matarice are on the show. Matarice is from Philly. So we're driving over there. I'm using the fucking, you know. I finally changed in the phone. I changed it to a guy's voice. So at least it's a guy telling me what to do. Supposed to that fucking broad nagging me the whole way, right?

Causing my balls to pull up into me, right? So I fucking, we're driving over there. And of course we somehow we get lost trying to find a fucking arena. And I literally see it says parking for events, but the fucking computer content didn't tell me to turn or my thumb grazed against something and just shut the fucking thing off. So I went right by it. And when you miss the Wells Fargo Center headed south, you end up in the fucking swamp. So it ended up being like a half hour mistake because it was like 15 minutes to get all the way over the fucking thing. And then we did not get in there.

We went into the wrong fucking gate. So we pull in the charge in us for parking. I'm going, no, where the guy's doing the show. I'm Bill Burr. That's Joe Matarice. That's Paul Verzi. So the lady's like, hang on a second. She's like, yeah, he said he's Paul Burr.

So we're laughing our asses off going, I swear to God, with them. And they go, well, tell us a joke. And I'm saying, I don't have any fucking jokes. Well, the three comedians, we can't find a fucking arena. Is that funny enough? And they go, all right, go down there to gate E. And we just keep running into security guards and we just keep going. Yeah, where the guys from the show.

And they would just go, oh, all right, go down that way. So then we just started laughing going, dude, I'm going to pull up to arena and be like, yeah. I'm Willie Nelson. Yeah, man, I, I'm a little late. Where do I go? I obviously, I couldn't get away with Willie Nelson. He's too famous, but I'm telling you, this is how it works. Okay, you need somebody black and somebody white in your car.

And I guarantee you, you could sneak into any fucking arena when there's a concert. All right, this is all you got to do. All right, have a black and a white person in there, just in case you get into the wrong line. Then what you do is you try to peek ahead to see what color the person is in the parking booth. If they're white, you have the black guy talk, right? The black guy says, I'm fucking away. You've got to start with the artist first. All right.

So say, what are the kids listening to these days, huh? ASAP Rocky, right? Say he's got a fucking show. What you got to do is you got to have your black friend or you got to get a black friend or just hire a black guy. You have him say, you pull up to the wrong fucking gate, the regular person gate. You make sure you get in line with the fucking white person, right? In the booth and all you get black guys got to say is, yeah, I'm him and I'm late, man.

Where do I go? Where do I go? And I'm telling you, that guy will fucking wave you in. At least you won't have to pay for parking. I don't know if it fucking works. And then if it's a fucking country show, your black friend's not going. If it's a shit, you only need white people anyways, whatever. I'm convinced.

Oh, fuck me. Hang on a second. Hang on. Hang on. All right. I'm back. Yeah. See, black friends not going to want to go to the country show.

All I'm saying is if you just, if you fucking pull up, no, wait a minute. They probably know it all. This is me being an egomaniac. This is what this is. They didn't know who I am. So then they're not going to know who fucking Travis Tritt is. What an arrogant, freckled cunt. I apologize.

I apologize. Not only for this thing being late, but having my ego go off the fucking rails. That's soon in this podcast, right? It's fucking unbelievable. It usually takes me at least 15 minutes in before the ego starts coming out. Oh, it reared its fucking redhead early, didn't it? So anyways, we were fucking driving around that parking lot for like 20 minutes. And I'm talking to the guy in the fucking arena and he's going, you know, where are

you? I'm like, well, I'm in the fucking parking lot. It's, it's, we're in E and he goes, all right, did you go into the tunnel? And I'm like, no, I went over a bridge. Well, bring it around the fucking thing. It took us like for fucking ever. And then we got in there and we got to go into the, obviously going to the venue before the crowd got in there, got to see the, you know, they got the boards, you

know, where the fucking, you know, for the flyers playing all that shit. I saw the 76ers 83 championship banner, the team that I would put up against the 96 bulls. And I say it goes seven games, you know, um, me and Verzi got into it that night. Holy shit. Arguing sports. Good Lord. He's like, dude, they're fucking 72 and 10.

You know, he's one of those 1990s babies. Like nothing happened in sports prior to 1990. Nobody, dude, they had Pippin and they had Jordan. Like that fucking shit. It's like, all right. Well, they had Dr. J in Moses Malone, you know, and Mo cheeks fucking Andrew Tony and I have a Roni, right? And that fucking skinny white dude coming off the goddamn bench.

He was like the defensive player of the year. Dude, Moses Malone underneath against Luke Longley. Luke Longley is going to fucking foul. He's doing foul trouble. Every fucking game. All right. I'm not saying that the six is definitely what a fucking one, but you just say that it's a foregone conclusion that the fucking 96 bulls are the greatest fucking team ever.

They had, there was no Celtics Lakers thing going on with the fucking. It was a very uneven time. You know, if you go to Jordan was so good, I'll give you a little bit of that. All right. But dude, when the fucking Celtics Lakers and Sixers were all good in the fucking 80s and then the Pistons came along. I mean, dude, you had to fucking commit mass murder just to get to the finals. People throwing clothesline, Kurt Rambas's glasses flying across the fucking court.

It was a man's fucking game. I'll be in that old guy. No, I know it wasn't in the nineties too, but I'm just saying there wasn't any Karim's. There wasn't, there wasn't like, you know, the Celtics and Lakers were fucking littered with Hall of Famers on both sides. You know, I don't know. What am I fucking Bill Simmons? I don't know shit about fucking hoop.

I'm just saying. I just hate everybody. Oh, yeah, he do this and he do that. And Moses and Dr. J would just stand around watching him going, jeez, I'm holy, holy mackerel. Broly G of these guys. Good. We get into that argument all the time and he also gets to the argument that Mayweather's the greatest fucking middleweight of all time. I'm like, Paul, Marvin Hagler, the problem is Marvin Hagler, Sugar Ray Leonard,

Tommy Hitman, Hearns and Roberta Durand all fought at the same fucking time. So they took losses. You know what I mean? I'm not saying that he would lose to all of those guys, but he'd lose to at least one of them. Wouldn't he? Oh, I sound like an old man in a barbershop. I'll show you back in 1972. Fucking voices junk dude.

It's junk doing all these fucking shows. And I got to be honest with you, man, I am, I'm fucking, I'm done with cigars, man. I smoked my last one in Philly and I didn't even want to smoke it. I just did it because we were with a bunch of people and they, you know, they wanted to head over there. But I didn't even tell you about the show. So Verzi goes up to open it, fucking crushes and which made me feel really good. You know, obviously, because the last time I did a really big show out there, you know, things were a little more aggressive, so to speak.

And I had a lot of people interviewers asking me about it because I wasn't even thinking about it because I've been back to Philly like six fucking times and I never had a problem. But they just kept, well, this is a big show. So do you think this one, huh? Do you think they're going to treat you like an asshole? As they say in Philly, asshole. And then Joe Matarice went up, by the way, who I hadn't seen, you know, he's a guy I started out with when I first came to New York, he moved to New York right around the time that I did, came up from Philly and I came down from Boston and, you know,

he's even funny that I remembered. He absolutely fucking destroyed, did it dead on, was it Harry Callis? I'm saying his name right. Sounded exactly like him. Now Philly people know him as the voice of the Phillies. I knew him from NFL Films, taken over for the voice of God. And he absolutely murdered and I highly recommend you check that guy out. If you get a chance and you can follow him on Twitter at the Joe Matarice, M-A-T-A-R-E-S-E, the Joe Matarice.

I believe he's got a special or something like that coming out. He was fucking hilarious. And then when we were driving away, he was doing a dead on Tony Soprano. Fucking dead on. It was unreal. So we had a great time and then we ended up going out and smoked some cigars. I was a good boy. I had one glass of bourbon, that was it.

I smoked the cigar and me and Verzi's boy had each other's throats. Fucking arguing sports. And then when we left, we got cheese steak. Number two. Number two. Two. And where did we go? We went to something like Mike's Princess Steaks or something like that.

I can't even remember. I don't remember the name of it. But that one, I thought the bread was good. I thought everything was good, but the steak. I thought the steak wasn't as high a quality as what I had at Kavanaugh's. And I'm not even talking about, was it Pats and Geno's? I've been to those fucking things. I'm trying to go to the satellite ones.

I didn't even get to the ones that roast beef one was closed by seven, so I never made it to that one. But I still had a good time. But Jesus Christ, what a fucking shit show. If you want to see a shit show, get a fucking cheese steak at two in the morning in Philadelphia on a Friday night. Good Lord. People just swaying in the fucking breeze. And then the people I walked in with, they were fucking hammered too. I wasn't.

I'm fucking sober, right? Go walking in. Matt Orisa goes like way too loud, like drug voice. He goes, yeah, every fucking loser in Philly out here to get a cheese steak. And I was like, Joe, Joe, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. You know, then first he goes, he goes, Jesus Christ. He goes, look at the haircut on that fucking animal over there.

Way too loud. Way too fucking loud. I'm going, Paul, Paul, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. So I was that guy. I was basically the not even designated driver, like a designated walker. And everybody in there, I swear to God, was swaying. They were so drunk, like 90% of the people in there were swaying.

I felt like I was on a fucking ship and I was some salty dog who had his sea legs and everybody else was just sort of fucking floating around. So anyways, we get the cheese steaks. I fuck up the order. The guy's all impatient with me. And I was going to be, oh, you're doing that Philly thing. Well, you get all fucking impatient because I don't know how to go. Yeah, give me two wits. Give me a whiz wit and a whiz not.

You know, so, so I got that little experience. And then as we were eating, we were finishing up right at the exact right time, like the white dude with all black friends came walking in. And he was trying to, you know, I don't know what he was trying to do. He was unbelievably loud. He was being fucking rude. And he was going to get all of his friends into a fight and we fucking left. I was like, let's get the fuck out of here. And I don't know, I had a great time.

I actually also had a really good breakfast place, little pizza. I think it was called greasy spoon. I fucking loved it. And the lady behind the counter was who works the day shipped as a fucking riot. I was sitting there. She got me my drink order and she goes, you ready? And I was like, yeah, she goes, what do you got? And I just laughed.

I go, let me get two eggs. Fucking what do you got? What do you got? Hunger pains. So anyway, so we had a great time there. And as I said, I can't recommend going out to see Joe Mataresa enough, man. Like he fucking blew me away. Verzi, of course, was great as always.

But I always like throwing out new names on the podcast. People you could check out the Joe Mataresa on Twitter. Hang on, I'm punching the same. Never can talk and do my password at the same fucking time. If I went into my settings and figured out how to make the screen saver and not come up every two fucking seconds. All right, let's do a couple of reads here. Let's do a couple of reads. And believe me, that's all I have.

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Oh, would you bill? Would you then never played a profession, even fucking division 19? You freckled cunt. And all sickly. Where do you get off making fun of that fucking superhero? Well, I don't know. I'm an old grumpy man. I really didn't enjoy that game though.

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Make sure you go to meundies.com slash bird to get 20% off your first order. And so that we, uh, they know that we sent you. You know what they're just reminding me of? I don't know why everybody freaking out about that fucking missile that the Navy shot off. You know, this is the beginning of World War three. Well, great. Great. And then you know what?

We're all going to be dead. So what are you fucking worried about? You know what I mean? I would be much more worried if somebody released one cobra into the fucking Los Angeles area. And I knew that it was somewhere in the hills where I hiked. If there was one cobra there, I would be way more fucking nervous. Like if they said right now, we have a special news flash. China has just shot a bunch of nuclear weapons.

They will be here in six minutes. So get your affairs in order. I would go over to the fridge and I'd get out of pine ice cream and I'd sit there. You know, you know, like a little kid sits in a big chair and he kicks his legs up and down like a scissor. That's what I would do. Oh boy, oh boy, I'm going to get vaporized. I'm getting what everybody wants, a painless death. That's what you're looking at when you see the nuclear weapons.

What you're looking at is a painless death. I'm all about them. I love the warheads. I'm a big warhead fan. You know, I like that we're puffing each other's chests up. You know what I mean? China's, you know, we're like, why I oughta? You know, and China's like, why we oughta?

And then Korea's like, hey, what about us? We still count, right? I don't give a fuck. I really don't. You know, I'm a grizzled vet of this shit. I grow them in the tail end of the Cold War. I remember that shit, right? Everybody says they're going to do it, and then they never do.

Okay, until they do. And when they do, you're not going to know it, because it's going to be over. At least I won't know it. That's one of the great things about being in a targeted city. You're going to have no idea that World War III even happened. You're just going to wake up, you know, wherever the fuck you go, or maybe you just become part of the radiation, you know,

that the next people are going to climb out of. I told you guys that's my theory, right? That water is the nuclear waste from the last people that fucked up this planet, you know? And we're actually these fucking mutants. We're actually ugliest shit. We just don't know any better, because we're attracted to what we see, because we're all fucking arrogant, right? We got the ego.

Look at me. My ego came out in fucking first six minutes. You don't know who I am. Well, then I could say I'm Elvis, and everyone would believe it. No, Bill, they wouldn't. You fucking dope. Um, yeah, so I don't know what the big deal is. And it was also funny to watch, to read that,

and listen to say that they were saying everybody in California was freaking out, and then I called my wife, and she doesn't even bring it up. Probably didn't even know what happened, because at this point nobody really watches the news anymore. Remember the news used to come up, the fuck, everybody watched the fucking news? You had your guy. Who do you like?

And it was all men, right? Because men tell you what's going on in the world, despite what these ladies think. You know what I mean? That's why I stopped watching the news. The second I saw a woman news anchor, I was like, this broad doesn't know what she's talking about. She only got half the information,

because whoever was telling it to her was probably thinking about fucking her, and he left out half the information. Okay? That's the problem with female news anchors, and I've been saying it for years. And you can hide behind your sexist... He's a sexist comment.

All right? There's not an ounce of comedy in this right now. I'm just trying to give bloggers an easy week. I am dead serious. You know, I don't even know. Does Connie Chung still do it? You know what's funny is Connie Chung did the real news, and then her husband was doing that.

What was that fucking show? Was it hard copy? And he had that sound. It sounded like a fucking match. What's that thing behind the door? The door stopper? That thing you played with before there was the internet? You just sit there for hours going...

That's a hard noise to imitate. You just sit there fucking with that, right? He was on a show that that was the sound effect, as they went into every story. And Connie, right, was actually talking about real shit. That was at least, you know, the edited real shit. Our version of the real shit that was going on, you know? I would love them to sit there as they both talked about, you know,

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There's a town I know where the hipsters go called Bedrock. Twist, twist. There's a Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. There is a casino in there that pulls in like a million dollars a day. They make bank. I walked in there. I got there early. I talked to this fucking zombie.

She must have hated her job. I don't know what it was, but the way she was talking, it was like that. Just that sing-songy everywhere. I'd be like, yeah, where's the gym? She'd be like, okay, the gym is right down the end of the hall. What time, check out. Just going like up and like, like she was a robot and someone just randomly like programmed the same inflection arc.

She started down low and then she went up high and then she ended up here and then she came back down. And I went in there, right? I got a Budweiser. I sat down and this place was fucking mobbed. Mobbed. I've never seen so many dirty jackets in my life. Mobbed with white people, Asians, black people, any kind of people you could think of.

Was in there. Place was fucking mobbed. And I'm sitting there. It was Saturday afternoon and I was sitting there going, is there like a fucking championship fight? Just let out. This is fucking unbelievable. And I talked to one of the owners and he said, no dude, this fucking place does a business like it's one of the top casinos in the country.

And I'll tell you what else it is. It's one of the top venues I ever performed at. I had the best fucking time. I don't know what it is. Just certain rooms you walk into. They just, they got that magic, right? You just, you stand to the side of the stage and just feel it. Like this is going to be fucking great.

And I think I did like it. I might have done an hour and a half on that one. Oh, such a great fucking time. Such a great time. Oh, you know, it's so funny. I talked about trying to get into the Wells Fargo Center and even talk about the show. So I actually got to do a show at that arena and Paul and Joe did great. And I walked out and the crowd was nice.

It was so funny, man. Philly's like the most joking with Verzi. Like Philly's like the only city that you go to where you have to, you need a game plan. Like, okay, if this happens, I'm going to do this or be ready to do this, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever. But the crowd couldn't have been any better and everybody who worked there was fucking cool as shit. And I was actually bonding with one of the Flyer fan security guys because their team's not doing that well either. Fucking Bruins dropped like three out of four, but we won the last one. That's all right.

And we fucked up and then we blew the Canadians game. Crazy, uncharacteristically taking a dumb penalty. But I just, you know, I had no idea what to expect this year. So I thought we were just going to get fucking smoked because we had all these new guys and they're playing good. You know, I don't mind if we lose a game because we fucked up because that can be fixed. It's just when you're just losing because you just simply can't even compete. And I have not seen that this year. So I'm still very optimistic that we're going to make the playoffs and we're going to have a good show.

And I think it's going to even be better next year. So anyway, so I fly down to Daytona, right? And, um, oh, Yanis Papas opened for me on that last one. You know, he went out and fucking crushed it. Actually, he really fucking crushed it and went over a little bit. So, and he felt it was all apologetic. So I fucking broke his balls for like a good 10 minutes saying I was never going to use them again. He went over by like fucking three minutes.

I was like, no, no, no, you did great. But you're one and done. It's over. You're dead to me. So anyways, I went down to Daytona. I never been to Daytona. I didn't even realize that. And I've always wanted to go to the Daytona 500.

Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you want to see people as fucking brilliant as they are in pit row and then standing this being the stands of some of the dumbest people in the nation? Just that whole McDLT that juxtaposition, huh? Be fucking phenomenal. Fucking people trying to shave off, you know, a millisecond, a thousandth of a second, whatever they're trying to do by adjusting some God knows what. Meanwhile, me and a bunch of the morons are just standing up there hoping somebody crashes. Um, so anyways, so I was like, man, I hope I have time to fucking check out the speedway. But I don't have, I don't have a car.

So I'm walking off the plane. And you know, in the, in the airports, they have those floor to ceiling windows as I walk off the jetway and come into the little place where you fucking wait. I looked across the to the other gate that was directly across and out the window and there was the fucking speedway. The speedway is right next to the airport. It was fucking cool as shit. And when I was over at my hotel, I heard, um, I heard this car fucking driving around the track, you know, testing God knows what out was really fucking cool. So hopefully I'll get back there and I performed at an aeronautical schools. So everybody in the crowd was either a pilot was in maintenance, homeland security, or they were actually learning how to design airplane parts or aircraft parts, whatever the fuck you want to call it.

And I had a great time talking to them, especially afterwards. And the dean of students was actually a veteran. I forget what he said he flew. I see something or the gunship. And I asked him if he if when he flies now is it a lot more enjoyable because nobody's shooting at him. He goes, I don't do it anymore. And I go, well, why not? Why not?

You just sick of it? He goes, nah, man, he goes, I got, you know, he goes when you get shot down, he goes, I got a metal in my knee. And in my shoulder, he goes, because you go down once in one of those, you don't want to do it again. So I just sat there with my jaw on the ground listening to his stories, but I could not have had a better time. I could not have had a better time at that. At that school. And Vanessa fraction opened up. She fucking destroyed.

It's just a great time. It's just a great fucking run. I just did not get any goddamn sleep. So let me read the questions here. And let me get on with my fucking life here. All right. Other language. See, hey, Bill, I'm 23 and my wife will never be.

Complete real complete complete without advice from 50. What? Hey, Bill, I'm 23 and my okay other language. I'm from Czechoslovakia. I'm going to do my best to read this. Or maybe I guess I'm just going to read it how he wrote it. Hey, Bill, I'm 23 and my life will never be complete without advice from 50. Yo out of shape bald head.

I moved to England just because of stand up. Sorry for writing like a total dick. But this is my second language. I used to be good comedian back home Czech Republic, but I wanted more ever since I moved to England. I realized I'm not so funny in English. I want to give it three more years, at least for when I'm able to do open mics. Do you think that non native speaker can break in? Hard work in bound.

Yeah, Yakov Shmirinov made an absolute fortune. I think you definitely can. It's not going to hurt you. Look, dude, if you can figure out being from the Czech Republic, if you can figure out how to be funny in English and make those cunts in England laugh. You know, if you can make those fucking people laugh, when you go back to your party Europe, you're going to be the king. I'll tell you something right now, dude, there's nothing wrong with being the king of the Czech Republic, is it? All those fucking smoking hot chicks over there, you'll fucking destroy. Dude, if everybody in your country loves you, you'll be a fucking zillionaire.

It's over. And who are you competing against? Who's the Czech Republic Richard Pryor or George Carlin? What's the competition? Dude, you're getting in at the ground floor. You could be the Lenny Bruce over there, right? I think it's a great fucking move, and I think you're going to do well. Just hang in there.

Because no matter where you're at, you're going to be struggling, right? And while you're at it, you're in England, you got this cool fucking accent, right? Maybe you can take out your old fucking Czechster there and stick it between some chicks' beef curtains or whatever the fuck they say over there. All right, Eastern Europe. Hello, small tits billy boy. You were teasing with coming to Eastern Europe some time ago. Would you consider coming to Poland? Absolutely, I would.

I was told the southern part of Poland's great and up north along the water. I would be thrilled to see you live in my country. I'm a huge fan, as is everyone who listens to you, obviously. Well, that's what my ego says. Sincerely, go fuck yourselves. Also, I remember watching you in Breaking Bad, and I wasn't aware of you being such an awesome person and thinking of you. And every time you parked on the screen, I was like, who is that Van Gogh looking dude? Ah, fuck you.

Anyway, I can't even, is that a compliment? I don't even know. I would definitely come to Poland, and I definitely want to do Eastern Europe. And I was talking to my agent the other day about how we got to do Europe. I do it every other year, so I didn't do it this year. I'm going to do it next year. I do it every other year when I get my act together, you know what I mean? Going over there in a second fucking language.

You know, in some of those places, people listening to me speaking English and they don't speak English as a first language, I got to make sure that, like, you know, I can't be just riffing and fucking around. I can do that in this country. I can put together an act, but I'm not flying all the way over there to do that. I can make sure that during my off year between specials, this is how it works. I put the shit together. I'll take you through the whole thing. I do my special, and then immediately I start doing comedy clubs, any place I can get up at,

and I get in an hour worth of shit that I can say by the time my special comes out. And then I hone that thing to the point where it's an acceptable level, and then I start touring with it on the road. And then I just start dropping jokes as better jokes come in, and then when I get it really ready to go, then I do the European shit, and then I come back and I take the special, and then that's it. Then I start it all over again. And it never ends.

All right. Here's something about Cleo. All right, dear Billy Bruford, I have a theory on Cleo's behavior and an explanation for her peeing in the house. All right, for those of you who didn't listen last time, or for those of you in the future who just grabbed this one out of a whole slew of them, how are you? Was there a nuclear holocaust?

Well, great. You survived it. Are you in your bunker? How many more cans of beans can you eat? You cunt. What's it like living in a world without ESPN? Da-da-da, boo-doo-boo. Oh, you know what? If you're actually in a bunker right now in the future and you're listening to me,

I should probably be a little more positive, right? I should... Okay, just what makes that little old ant think he can survive a meltdown from a nuclear plant? Everyone knows he's got sores all over his fucking face, because he went outside. He didn't stay underground. That's why you'll be in that... Well, they usually bury those things,

what they stick all the drugs in that sit on the wharfs, and they stick them on the back of trucks, freight... freight fucking things. I don't know. Whatever they dealt with during the second season of the wire. Anyway, so... The fuck was I talking about? Oh, the fucking dog.

So my dog has been having bladder issues. Every once in a while, she just like pees for no fucking reason. And our doctor was saying that's because, you know, she was spayed and that's one of the things that happens sometimes once you get older. So this guy has a theory as to why she's been peeing a little bit in the house. She says, he says, he or she, what do we got here? I don't know. All right.

I'm a lifelong dog lover. I fucked my first dog when I was four. Sorry, it was an easy joke. I'm a lifelong dog lover and own two of my own. Remember last week you commented on how when you got back from Taurus, she slept all night and then was sleeping in your office while you did the podcast like she was on morphine totally knocked out? It's because she loves you.

You are the one person who takes her on hikes and gives her baths, etc. She's probably anxious when you're away. And when you come home, she's so relieved and relaxed that she just passes out. Now that I knew. I'm asking about the peeing here, sir. All right. Don't be answering apples with oranges. Now you're about to leave for tour and she's peeing in the house.

Dogs are very intuitive and can picked up on the littlest thing. She's picked up on signs that she'll be leaving again. And as a result is feeling anxious, which is causing her to pee inside, be inside the house you meet. She's peed inside like what inside of her. Just a thought, but it could be what's going on. I think that's a great fucking theory. Good luck and see you next weekend in New York.

All right. You know what? Thank you. It's fucking phenomenal advice way better than anything I've ever said on this podcast. Oh, come on, Bill. Don't don't beat up on yourself. Well, I know. All right.

89 year old try stand up for the very first time. Hey, Bill, did you see the article in the video of the old guy trying stand up for the first time at the first? At first, the video came out and he was praised. Then it came out that he lifted the jokes and some people turn on him saying it wasn't that big of a deal. If he memorized him, I feel both ways. Seems like he could have put together a couple of one liners with all the old people downtime

he has. Other part of me says he just wanted to stand in those shoes and see what it feels like. Like if you started flying a helicopter at 89, but had the instructor take off. So he just did the cruising around in the air thoughts. Yeah, man. Well, first of all, he probably came from the Henny Youngman era when most of those guys, you know, not saying Henny Youngman stole, but like back then, like people just did street jokes, two guys walking to a bar.

But I actually think it's kind of cool that in 89, he's 89 years old. So he got to feel like what it was like to do stand up. He got to feel like what it was like to be famous. He got to feel what it felt like he got so famous that there was the backlash. He got called a thief. He got the whole fucking thing. Look at him. His second set is going to be called his big comeback like Travolta and fucking Pulp Fiction.

I think it's wonderful. I'm glad that he did it. And I don't have any problem with him going. That's a fucking adorable to see an old guy go up there at 89 telling old jokes. Come on. You're not a fucking, you got no help. You have no blood in your heart if you didn't think that that was adorable. All right, corporations.

Bill, I was doing some fall cleanup in my yard because the maple trees surrounding my house likes to leave a nice mess during this time where I where I live. The city requires that you put leaves and grass clippings and giant paper bags that you can purchase at various stores. When the bags are filled up, we set them out on the curb and they're picked up during the week. They usually cost around $3 for a bundle of about five bags. One thing I noticed on these bags, which every store you buy them from their logo and or slogans are printed all over the bags. Like it, like at a home improvement store. When they're sitting at the curb, the store logo is there for everyone to see who drives or walks by to see.

That's brilliant. I realized that because of this. I am advertising for that store for free or actually paying them to advertise for them. This is almost the same as if you bought a car from a dealership and put an emblem. Or a license plate to cover the car of the dealership. Oh my God, this is killing my brain. I just didn't get enough sleep. If I could find bags that were blank, I would get those, but I have not.

I thought to tell you about this because of your bid about automated cash registers at the checkout stores and was wondering what your take was on something like this. Love your comedy. Thanks. Go fuck yourself. You know, I don't got a problem with something like that. It gives a fuck. You know, you went in, you needed bags. They had bags. You gave them to them. They put their names on them. I don't give a shit. You know, it's no skin off my fucking back. My thing is working for free. I guess technically you could be a jerk and be like, you owe me money for advertising out in front of my house, you know, start renting out the space at the end of your driveway.

I mean, that might be a thing in the future, you know, a way to make money from home, like rent out your mailbox, let people put their logo on it. I'd be hilarious and you have to start whoring out your kids. Listen, you call up like Nestle and just say, listen, my oldest daughter, I'm not trying to be weird, but she's really hot and everybody wants to fuck her. So they're always driving by the house. So I was thinking, what if you guys put like your little fucking hot cocoa sign on the side of my mailbox, you know, so all those guys, you know, they'll think that, oh man, if I buy this hot cocoa that they can fuck my daughter and they're not going to do it. There's no way they're going to do it because she's already banging one of her teachers. You see what I'm saying? Nestle and they'd be like, all right, man, we'll fucking do it. All right, new relationship. Hey, Bill, I need your insight.

I just started hanging out with this girl who's 17 years younger than me. Yes, we have had sex, but we have not had butt sex. What the fuck? I'm 45 and she's 28. Every time I try to calm her down for that kind of action, her left leg starts spazzing out and she freezes up. Should I dump her or move on? Ah, shit. That guy just mocked the entire thing that I do at the end of my podcast and God damn it, I loved it.

I loved every second of it. All right, well, that's the podcast for this week. I don't know what to tell you. I'm in New York to do my final show of the year. My final road gig of the year. All right. And I have already mentally, I'm already drinking eggnog. That's how excited I am about being home for the fucking holidays.

I'm going to be performing at Madison Square Garden, believe it or not, this Saturday, November 14th. And for those of you who saw, I put out a teaser for F is for Family that's coming out on December 18th, everybody. And we put out a little teaser there. And the rumor mill is that the trailer is going to be coming out soon. And where you can actually, right now, it's just sort of a little thing just to, you know, you know, they do it. We're fucking getting you salivating for it. But I'm really excited about that. And check this shit out.

I rented a drum kit to be set up at Madison Square Garden during the day. So during the day, me and some of my friends are going to go in and jam in an empty Madison Square Garden. And it's going to be fucking, it's going to be fucking ridiculous. It's going to be fucking ridiculous. And we're all like fucking old white guys. So we're just geeking out, sending a set list. You know, we should do war pigs. Just all this old white guy music.

Although that stands to test the time. Black Sabbath does. I challenge any fucking kid today. How many mouse heads people have if you put on black Sabbath is no fucking way. You can't appreciate that level of quality in that music. So we're going to be doing that. And yes, I will definitely take some video. You know, what's really cool is it was a buddy of mine forever.

I've been trying to jam with them and it just never worked out. So I finally called him. I said, Hey, man, I'm in New York. You want to get together Saturday? And he goes, Yeah, come on out to my place. I moved out to Jersey. I got a rehearsal space and I said, No, man, I got a better space. And you know, he's proud of his space.

And I know it's the shit. So he writes back. He's like, what the fuck? And then I hit him with it. Hey, let's go fucking play that Madison Square Garden. He fucking freaked, fucking freaked. It's going to be awesome. And for those of you who are already cringing, thinking that I'm easing my way to at some point playing drums before or after one of my shows during a live performance, I would never do that to you.

Okay, just know I would never do that. Know that I know that I stink. All right. I know that I stink. I know that this is just a hobby. I know that I will never make a living. Okay, so fucking relax. All right.

I'm just a middle-aged white dude. Fucking being a geek. I'm allowed to do that. All right. Okay. Well, that's the podcast for this week. It's a little bit short, but I'm a little short on time this week. I'll make it up to you on Thursday.

That's it. Don't take any shit. Go fuck yourselves. And I'll check it on Thursday. Think possible.