Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-1-14

Episode Date: December 2, 2014

Bill rambles about Black Friday, Gone Girl and talks with Rose Bowl Tailgate Legend Jason Lawhead.

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The final month of 2014. You know, did you have a good one? You didn't? Well, it's too late. Actually, it isn't too late. You can get to your fucking, your two minute offense. You know, the final fucking month of year. You could have fucked up this entire year and you could bring it all home.

All those disgusted looks you got from your family members over the Thanksgiving weekend. You could turn it all around in the final, you got 31 days. The most possible days that you can get in the fucking white man's calendar. I don't know how it works over there in the Chinese calendar or the Native American calendar. But all you get in our world is 31 days. That's it. Alright, you got 31 fucking days to turn it around.

What are you gonna do? Huh? Are you gonna go out and go shovel the fucking driveway? What are you gonna do to make it up? It gives a fuck, right? At this point, at this point, you kind of tap out, right? You're just like, I'm losing on points. I didn't get knocked out.

I'm just gonna hang on for the final fucking three minutes and whatever. I'll live to fight another day. It starts in January. It starts January. Dude, I'm gonna join a gym. I'm gonna quit smoking. I'm gonna dump this broad. I'm gonna fucking get a better lubricant when I jerk off.

You make all those promises to yourself, right? And then you end up, once again, looking back on a year, right? On December 1st going, what the fuck happened? I'm another year older. What did I do? You know what you did? You got no stick-tuitiveness. I can't even say that word.

Stick-tuitiveness. Just pick one. You know, I'm gonna try to stop watching porno. I've already gone like four or five days and I gotta tell you, I don't miss it. I don't miss it. Although I am kind of confused with some of this shit, like Kim Kardashian's greased-up ass that she had there, whatever, lubed-up fucking whatever she did, backed into a mister. However, they got it to shine, you know?

Like, what the fuck was the big deal? You can see that, like, for free, all over the internet. Then all of a sudden, her ass is on the internet and then everybody said, and I hate this fucking expression, started like a week ago. Now, every douchebag on the planet has said it, said it broke the internet. You know, you greased up your ass, that shit gonna break the internet, motherfucker. It's stupid. You can see a million asses, right?

But it's not her ass. How do you even know it was her ass with Photoshop these days? You know what I mean? There's a bunch of beautiful big-ass bitches out there. They could have fucking put her little puppet head right on the top of it. You know? You got no fucking clue. You got no clue whose ass that is when you went out there and broke the internet.

What does that mean? You couldn't download it? There was so many people downloading it. There's anything I can't stand, it's excitement about nothing, you know? All the real fucking stuff. I almost just said, it's how arrogant I am. I almost just said all the real shit that's going on out there. In other words, what, Bill?

The shit that's just bugging you, that you feel everybody else should pay attention to? You myopic jackass. I'm sorry, happy holidays. Speaking of myopic and that type of stuff, that whole Ferguson trial there, Ferguson, Missouri trial, you know, I didn't pay attention to it. And, you know, it's the same old story. Same old story and it always plays out the same way. And then a bunch of people who weren't there emphatically tell you what happened.

And this one, like all of them, it's two sides and it's a completely different story. And you just sit there watching these people screaming at each other, none of whom were there. And then some mediators sitting in the middle never going, hey, hey, hey guys, guys, neither one of you were there. According to the information that I decided to pay attention to, my argument is correct. I'm going to go out on a limb here and I'm going to say they were both full of shit on both sides. Everybody's lying. Once it goes to court, everybody's fucking lying.

You're trying to build up your case because you know they're going to lie, right? So you got to build it, you got to stack up the cupcakes on your side of the case. You just got to build it up. He had his back to him. He had his back, his hands were up and he had his shirt on that said, don't shoot me. And then the other side, he ran at me. I got to go, he had a sickle and he was frowning at the mouth and he said, I hate white people. And you sit there and you watch this shit, right?

Split screen is two fucking morons screaming at each other. And at the end of all of those fucking debates, you get nowhere. Nothing's solved, nothing's resolved. You don't have any more information than you did. All you did was just sit there and watch two fucking people yell at each other. So what I choose to do is to not watch it, sit at home and stare at my balls. You know, I'm not saying you have to do that, but that's how I handle those big cases. If you don't have balls, you know, just prick your neck a little further and look at your own fucking whore.

Sorry, I'm in a great mood, man. I had a long needed four day fucking weekend. I had a great Thanksgiving. I had chicken instead of turkey because my kitchen is a fucking disaster because it's still not fixed. You know, I am trying so hard not to say out loud that I hate my fucking house, but I just, you know, something else. You know, my car, my Prius is getting old and I want to go out and get something nice, but my driveway is fucked up. My driveway is like it goes up and then down like the top of a mountain or the top of a house. If you look at the side of it, looking at the roof, you know, so there's no slides down.

It does that because on one side we got water coming down a hill and they don't want it to go down my driveway. So they built this fucking peak. So even my fucking Prius will bottom out if I get too far to the left on the driveway. So now I want to get something fast and you know the deal. It's got to be low to the ground so you can dive into the fucking corners. So there's no way that's going to make it. So now what I have to do is I got to have them build up the backside of it, my driveway, make that higher so it's not such a drastic dip when you go on the other side. You know, and who knows, maybe even the fucking nose is going to scrape as I try to get.

I'm going to fucking win with this fucking house and not to mention, right? The defense there, all the wood is fucking rotted out. What was that game you played when you were a kid? The Wonder Ball. The Wonder Ball goes round and round to something, something you are bound and if you do, then you are out. O-U-T out. Hey, Ernie, sit the fuck down, right? Isn't that how it went?

I basically lost that game except the Wonder Ball was the house that I bought. For a hundred fucking years, people owned this house. Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier. Kennedy got shot. Nixon is impeached. You're left with the house. Yeah, that's what happened to me. Galvanized pipe, cloth, fucking wires, rotted out wood.

Fucking water brought off the roof into the house and out the front through rotted out pipes, which started this whole fucking fiasco. I had rat turds in the wall downstairs. This house has been waiting for a complete freckled jerk off like me to buy it. Okay, so I would go out and fix the fucking thing right. This house is going to have another hundred years. It's going to get another hundred years out of it because I'm going to own this fucking thing, okay? Everybody else who owns this house is going to have a big fucking grin on their face for like the first 70 or so years.

All right? And do you think those sons of bitches in the future are going to thank me? I swear to God, at some point, all right, when I get, when I feel like I only have a week left to live, I'm going to say the address of where the fuck I live. So maybe somebody will listen to this thing in the future, you know? And go out and stick a Miller light on my fucking headstone. Not a Miller light, sorry, Miller highlight. Anyways, anyways, so this is the Monday Morning Podcast.

Welcome. I hope you guys had a happy Thanksgiving. I had a fucking great one, man. And oh, you know what I wanted to do? Actually, you know, you know, that guy, I've been hyping like the last like year, year and a half on my Twitter account. I keep posting his videos. He's a wrestler. The one-man thrill ride, Jimmy Preston, the one-man thrill ride. Like an absolute savage. That guy, I fucking love that guy.

I think he's a fucking star. And I don't understand why he's not in the WWE yet. He's got all, he's got it all. He's got the looks, he's got the dedication, and he fucking kills it on the microphone. So anytime he posts a video, I try and retweet it and he sent out a happy Thanksgiving one. And he gave, he gave me a little shout out. Made my fucking weekend. And then like a douche, I go to retweet it and I retweeted it to his fake one.

Or the person pretending to be him. I'm trying to scroll here to find it. If you guys want to follow the guy, the guy's fucking hilarious. Jesus Christ, of course, I can't find the fucking thing. Come on, Bill. All I'm doing is seeing all this shit that I retweeted. I retweeted this classic picture. It said, Iceberg with red and black paint on it believed to be the Iceberg that, that sank the Titanic.

And some asshole writes back, um, it actually hit the fucking Titanic underneath the waterline. And it's like, you ever hear that expression tip of the Iceberg? I mean, the fucking arrogance of every cunt here on Twitter. It's like, no, I've never heard of that expression. What does it mean? Of course I've heard of that fucking expression. You jerk off. That means when you see the Iceberg above the fucking water, that's just the tip of it. It's way bigger beneath it.

So you see, so you fucking go wide around the goddamn thing. I think the guy driving the boat got blown and he drove right into the fucking thing. I just think they didn't see it and they drove right into the fucking thing. And I'm sure that what cut it was under the waterline and they, they could have sideswiped this thing. Or maybe they couldn't have, but I don't know when neither does the other douche. All I did was retweet a picture and then he's given me shit. Have you ever heard the expression the tip of the Iceberg? No, I haven't. You ever hear that joke? Why the chicken crossed the road?

Oh, it's a great one. I wrote it last week. Tip of the Iceberg fucking goddamn expressions almost as old as this piece of shit house. Oh, this fucking house. Oh, there we go. All right. Happy Thanksgiving, one-man thrill ride. And then I had the wrong one. I'm the fucking worst. Where is it? Retweet. You know what? I'm going to retweet this guy's.

Oh, there it is. For your information, at one-man thrill ride is an imposter and a fraud. He's getting reported. Okay. So the one that you want, if you want to follow Jimmy Preston, you got to follow at thrill ride capital CW. All right. That's the real one. There you go. And I'm calling it right now. I'm calling it right now. He's going to make it to the WWE, whatever the fuck.

They used to call it the WWF when I was a kid. And I think like Walmart or somebody sued him. I don't fucking know. I don't know. Well, what do you want from me? So I want... Sorry, I just had to put that up there. Sorry about that. So how are you guys doing this week? Did you, did you survive Black Friday? That stupid ass shit.

We're out of shape. People trample each other into some of the shittiest fucking stores on the planet. Why can't you just admit that you're broke? You know, and just be like, kids, I'm sorry. We don't have any money. There's no Santa Claus. Why can't you just do that? You're going to run down there and try to get a weed wacker for fucking six bucks or whatever the hell you're trying to do. Just deal with it. You can't afford it.

You can't afford it. If you got to get trampled just so you can maybe buy it, you can't afford it and you just got to deal with that. You got to deal with the fact that you were dealt a fucking broke ass hand and now you got to play it. And that's not the way you play it. You don't get out of poverty by going down to a department store and getting trampled the day after Thanksgiving. What you do is you got to fucking get out. You got to fucking tighten the belt. You got to tighten the fucking belt. Fucking kids.

What about my kids? What about them? Don't get them anything. Don't get them anything for Christmas and let them cry. You know what? And then what happens? Someday they put out a fucking, they do something with their lives. That'll kill them. They go to school and they got nothing and all the kids are teasing them. And all those fucking jerk-offs, they get everything for fucking Christmas.

They don't have any drive. What do they do? They sit around doing fucking ecstasy. Wait for their parents to die so they can get the money. That's what you want for your kid. All right? You give your kid a little bit of drive. All right? And then you as a parent, you make sure you don't get trampled. I mean, that's page one. I don't even have a kid and I fucking know that. I know goddamn well. If I was to go broke, okay? And I had a goddamn kid. The last thing I would do the day after Thanksgiving is go down there and get fucking trampled. Okay? Why would I do that?

I need to be in physical shape so I can go back the next Friday in shoplift. Okay? When there's the right amount of people in the store. That's how you fucking get your Christmas. Okay? You steal from these fuckers. You don't get yourself fucking trampled. That's a suckers game. All right? So pass this along. If you have any friends or family out there that got trampled the day after Thanksgiving. Can you imagine that? You're just full of fucking turkey and stuffing. Sweet potato pie or whatever the fuck you had.

Whip cream and eggnog with a little bit of bourbon. You know? What's wrong with you? Jesus fucking Christ. Either just admit that you broke or shoplift. But there is no reason to get trampled. Okay? In 2014. There's just no fucking. I'm trying to think of a reason to get trampled. If there's a fire. Yes. There's a fire. Absolutely.

Anyways. Ah fuck. I just said my goddamn knee. That's probably karma for making fun of poor people. I'm making fun of poor people. I'm trying to give them incentive. Stop making fucking stupid moves in life. I don't have any money for Christmas gifts. What's my next move? I think I'll go down and get trampled at Walmart. All right. Let's do a little bit of advertising here.

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All right. I'm going to spoil a movie. Spoiler alert. I'm going to ruin this fucking movie. All right. What should I do? Should I give you guys one week to go see the movie? You want me to ruin it?

Well, unfortunately, I can't hear what you're saying right now. So the movie is gone, girl. Right now if there's any women listening to this podcast, they're going, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, shut it off. Shut it off. Shut it off. If there's any guy they're like, oh, didn't Ben Affleck already make that fucking movie? This is all I'm going to say about that movie.

All right. It's two and a half hours long. The first two hours and 15 minutes are great. Total enjoyment. All right. And then two hours and 15 minutes in, every character just taps out and doesn't give a shit. And then Tyler Perry just goes, man, you motherfuckers are crazy. And then just walks away.

And that's kind of the end of the movie. I've never been to a movie that was two and a half hours long. Two hours and 15 minutes, I'm in there. And I want to see what happens. Two hours and 16 minutes in. If the people I was with said, hey, let's all get up and walk out. I'd be like, fine. And I would never think about the movie again.

And this has nothing to do with the acting, has nothing to do with the directing. It's just a story. What happened? Did you paint yourselves into a fucking corner? I don't get it. Everybody just said, yeah, just, you know, the classic tireless cop. I'm going to stay on this till I get justice. All the other cops seen in a different way.

And they're like, I see it this way. Then all of a sudden this new information. And then they're just like, yeah, well, you're probably right. But you know, there's nothing I can do. This fucking cop character. The cop uniform on her hair up the whole fucking goddamn movie. And she's taking everything seriously. Then in the end, when someone actually is killed, she lets her fucking hair down,

takes off her uniform. She's like, yeah, but I can never prove it. All right, go fuck yourselves. Have a happy Thanksgiving. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry I ruined that movie. I'm going to have to fucking.

That's going to have to be in the advertising of it, because I hate ruining shit for people, but it was just, it just annoyed the shit out of me. But anyways, let me hit pause here and go get my guest. Hang on. All right, with the magic of the pause button, we are back with my very special guest, Rose Bowl tailgate legend and four star stealth undercover chef.

Unless you're a lovely lady and you've been over his house. Jason Lyatt, everyone. That's right. How are you, sir? Good, man. I like being in your waiting room out here while you're doing the first step, because you're just yelling. What were you yelling about?

Because I'm out there in the waiting room watching the end of the Packers New England game, which, you know. I knew once we missed the field goals, like it's over and I got to get this fucking thing done because I have no free time in my life anymore. But I think that game was like. What were you yelling about? It was funny to me because for a while after I just got set in the trance there,

it felt like I was sitting outside waiting to get yelled at. Like, you know, when somebody's getting yelled at, you get near and through. For my case, like growing up with like the coach, you know, on the other side of the office wall, and you're just like, oh, God, I'm in there next. Oh, no, no, no. You know, the usual, I just screaming about people getting trampled on Black Friday.

Just saying you should just admit that you broke, not get your kids any gifts, and that'll give them drive. Yeah. Remember Biggie Smalls? Wondering why Christmas missed us. Birthdays was the worst days. Now we drink champagne when we're Thursday, right? Yeah.

His mother didn't go down there and get trampled. Look what happened to him. Yeah. Well, that's some other shit. Oh, the karma came back to him tenfold. What karma? No, I'm just saying she didn't get trampled. I didn't mean it like in karma.

Yeah, yeah. He didn't do anything wrong. She didn't get trampled. So all of that. He was guilty of being the best rapper of that era, and it's not even close. I'm going to fucking piss off any African-Americans that I have on this or want to be white kids. Oh, white guy wannabes, I should say, want to be white kids. I don't think Tupac is even in the fucking same class as Biggie.

Biggie's raps were like movies, painted pictures, and he had all these different ways, all this different flow, I believe the kids say. Right. Everything was different. Tupac was good too, though, but I get what you're saying on the difference of it all. Tupac, all his shit sounds the same to me. The way he rhymes is the same. And I think I'm going to die.

Yeah, but you know, I like Tupac. He always thought he was going to die. I'm not saying he's bad, but to sit there and act like that dude was even remotely as good as Biggie. I'm going to start this over. Biggie's like your patrice. Like he's your patrice. Yeah.

Patrice O'Neill in that, in the, in the, and I'm not going to say Tupac is because I don't need, I don't need to get shot. I'm not going to put you on that fucking comedy club. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. No, I just started like, you can tell me who Tupac is after we get off the air. You know, I haven't even thought about it. I know I'm just kidding.

I'm going to give you time though, but his, his, his, uh, his sense of humor, his ability to tell a story. I mean, I haven't let's do shit and so fucking long, but, uh, what was that? I've got a story to tell that one where he's telling the story and then he's in the story and then the dude comes home. Oh, that one took me forever. I was listening to it and he's rapping and then they put his voice over the phone. Uh, uh, having the guy warned the warning.

Remember that one? Yeah. Who the fuck is this? Yeah. 546 in the morning. That one, whatever that one is. It's the furnishing prayer. Yeah.

I don't, I don't think I work. You know, we get a very serious recently and he does that a lot through. He comes back and he's like, Oh, what do you talk about work with? He's, uh, he does it really good. He does it really good. He's like, what are you talking about? Bake potatoes. And he just like, no, then he'll just keep bringing it back and funny.

I don't know who you just sounded like, but I'm thinking Warner Brothers. Um, no, I was trying to, every spears is like, uh, his, his final like closing bit. Like when he just, and he just keeps adding to it. He just keeps whoever is contemporary at the time and they had dead on. Yep. I was stunning. I, I'm unbelievable impressions, but we are here to promote, uh, Jason Lawhead, everybody, uh, from Lorraine, Lorraine Ohio is making his triumphant return to stage and screen.

He's, he's got a big theater date back there over the holidays and we got to push this date. And you guys got to go out and see, 27th. I can't wait. It's cool. It's a big, uh, big hall. I'm doing like, what's the name of the theater, the palace theater in Lorraine, Ohio. It's, uh, an old, almost took a wrecking ball years ago and light on a lot of locals saved it, you know, as far as like building a foundation and everything.

And, uh, I've seen a lot of awesome, you know, I've seen Willie Nelson there, Bob Dylan there, Steven right there. And, uh, I mean, the, the bigs have come through there and it's, uh, it's exciting. It's a big, I need people to spread the word, man, cause it's a big place. I'd like, no, if I got like 700 to 800, I'd be really happy, but obviously you want to sell out. That's for sure. You know, you don't, you don't promote a date going, you know, if it half sells, well,

you never been to where I'm from, you know, it's, it's very, it's very, uh, you know, I love it, but it's very ghost towny at this point. Um, it's, uh, could you be doing anything more to not sell this date? No, I wouldn't have fallen a ghost town. No, I'm saying tumbleweeds. No, no, no, no, the downtown's great. I'm saying this. The theater is awesome.

It's just, can I tell you something, Jake? I love the fucking Midwest and I love town. Just like the town you're talking about, I fucking love those towns. I love the old downtown. That's fucking no one goes there anymore because they built a fucking target or a Walmart. I still love going down to those fucking places. The people are great. They're going to show up.

Oh, they are. They're going to show up. So it's December 27th. Yeah. That's a great name of the venue. Uh, it's the palace theater in the rain, man. I'm going to be doing my, uh, uh, you know, uh, album release that night. My first CD, uh, it's fucking awesome called you never heard of me.

Um, is coming out that night and I'll, that'll be the hard copy, uh, you know, released that night. Uh, and, uh, you know, well then, you know, when's the first of your hits, we'll be doing some digital downloads and stuff off the website. Yeah, but it's a good piece. I'm happy about it with some added tracks from my hometown and Chicago, which will be cool. So there's just some.

All right. So if you're listening to this, if you're anywhere near and you can make it, try to get out there and, uh, you know, if you can't, if you just do a favor for one of my best friends in the business on and off stage, uh, just we'll, we're going to have a tweet, uh, about the show for ticket links. Just if you get a chance, if you could retweet it just to help get the word out. Uh, you know, you definitely deserve it. Man, it'd be awesome to have a big, uh, big right on the holidays.

Dude, that makes it Christmas right there around Christmas. They've wanted me to come back a little bit. So it was flattering because they kind of called me, which was the cool part. You know, like I hadn't, uh, that I didn't really consider that as one of the venues I was looking at to try to go home and do a show, but, uh, they really sold me on the fact that they were interested and they promoted and, uh, yeah, man, it's, it's cool. So we'll probably, probably do a little local media around there, uh, hopefully

close to it. And, uh, yeah, man. I mean, uh, you do those big theaters all the time. I've done some of them with you. This one's a really beautiful old grand theater and, uh, it's, but I know the feeling whenever, whenever you go to do a man, bring me out and, uh, he's going to, he's going to come out and, uh, you know, rile up the crowd a little bit.

So I still have that feeling whenever I go to do a theater, you're always peeking out. Like did anybody show up? You always feel like, I even feel that in like a comedy club after, after years before like, uh, let's just hope I sell something. You're like, ah, Bill, you're going to, but yeah, I've seen you kind of, you know, it's straight now. Now I'm straight.

Listen, this is the first time I've ever had to deal with that kind of stress. Like it's all great. The, the banners are great. Everybody's cooperating. There are people are buying. We've, we know that people have started going online and now we're hoping we got a little buzz going and this is the rush. We got a little thing.

But yeah, it's, uh, you know, when you, when you know how many seats are out there, you're like, wow, man, this is, this is pretty wild. But it's cool, man. It's going to be fun, man. Well, we'll get out, we'll get the all things comedy network, uh, which you're a part of. I'm coming. I'm coming on board.

I just talked to those guys last week. We'll try to get a nice push. Maybe a nice little launch interview. I got a big promo this week. I forgot. I'm such a fucking loser. I keep forgetting to promote. I haven't seen any, I haven't seen anything from you on a tweet.

We, we don't know what, uh, it looks like. Uh, I know that you, you ripped on me, uh, a couple of weeks ago for bombing your intro. That was a hilarious story, by the way. But I mean, we haven't even seen any branding on your specialty. We're like, I got to open for that thing. And I haven't even seen like a, a poster or a tweet or a, it's coming this week.

My, my special actually comes out, uh, December 5th. Yeah. December 5th. So I'm going on Conan this week to promote it. Oh nice. Uh, I already went out and bought my shirt. My shirt. I always go out and you got to buy a shirt.

Yeah. You know, maybe some shoes or something. This is on the couch for Conan with you now. That's a lot. I don't like four or five. He's, he's awesome. And that guy's like, you know, if it's going well, he laughs. If you, you know, if you need some help, he's right there to bail you out.

And he's always there to bail you out. And, uh, you know, he likes when you go crazy, you know, make it a little uncomfortable or whatever. It's just, it's, he's a good guy, man. He had a great tweet every tweet on Thanksgiving where he said, uh, just got done eating one of these grass fed Colorado turkeys. Can't figure out why I can. I have the munchies all day.

He did like a, you know, all grass grass. Yeah. The way he worded it was great. I don't know. I think I butchered it, but. Well, hey, um, I didn't get to see the final two minutes of the game. I've got to be honest with you. We would be losing by four.

Yeah. They just ran out. You know, they got the first down and ran out the clock. They had him at third and four, but obviously Roger's made a good, good play. Oh, dude, they secondary was fucking getting toasted, man. Every time I was fucking, well, that Jordy Nelson slant across the middle of the 80s when he hit the pylon. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah. What's fucking two seconds left in the first half? That's what that was. The back breaker. Cause you, you worry cause you guys were actually playing it like you could get the ball back. You had two time outs left. If you could get a back breaker was the sack. Yeah.

Brady sack. Well, that was moved us back. Yeah. But I think the score right before the half killed you cause you guys were just, you have a whole half to recover and we were back in the game to sit there and be, oh, you fucking blow it in the second quarter. I mean, you fuck, you fuck up in the second quarter. The fourth quarter you blow it.

Yeah. That's, that's, that's how I look at this shit. But, uh, Did you see Oakland got beat? Did you see some of the highlights? I haven't seen anything. Wait till you see the Oakland Raider highlights. There it is.

Watch it all. They got beat 52 to nothing by the, by the ring. By the same old Rams. I mean, you, when you watch, who do they, who do the Rams even have it in quarterback? Bradford's been out the whole season. Who do they get? Uh, Steve DeBurg.

Did they bring, did they bring back Tester Verde? Yeah. Vince Perrigan. I don't even know who played quarterback. All I saw was highlights of these guys tripping. Like running after Trey Austin tripping. These guys are tripping and falling down. It looked like trying to get kids to listen to their defense when they would make, I mean,

somebody's highlights and Tony Spirano, you wait till you see the, the interview. He looks like he doesn't take his sunglasses off and he looks like Rocky looking over Mickey's corpse. He looks so beat up. He did not even want to talk. He had his head down with sunglasses on and he was just like, yeah, I mean, really. Oh yeah. That poor guy.

Cause it's his second time. He's, he's one of me and Verzi's favorite guys. Just his whole fucking name. And he looks like he's witnessed protection program. And when he used to coach the dolphins, Tony and almost Tony Soprano, whenever I say Tony Soprano, I can never remember how to say his name is Tony Spirano. Spirano. Yes.

Spirano. Tony Spirano. The P's in the beginning. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's not. Spirano from the back of Soprano and put it in the beginning. Spirano.

Oh yeah. Oh, the other thing I was yelling about, by the way, is I, uh, well, let me, I do ADD here and jump all around. Our Ray Rice is coming back. There you go. Some people are, I was joking about that on stage. People are pissed off. Like, well, I guess you had a fellas in care.

So we talked, they find the guy, millions of dollars. And the thing was is millions, the first suspension. I've always said they've given him the first suspension already. He accepted it. And then he got suspended again. He got suspended again. And he played. Yeah.

He sat down. And the woman he hit married him. Exactly. Exactly. And he stuck up for him cause there's bags of money going out the window. She just came up again yesterday and said she wasn't a victim. She just said she reiterated it in another article when he got reinstated. They, she reiterated it again.

I mean, you know, I say if the smartest, I wouldn't go as far as if she's not a victim. I would just say she said she was. Yeah, but she loves that dude or he's got her psychologically like, dude, do you punch a woman's face and drag it down the hall by her hair? Yeah. She's a victim. It's a me. Granny, you had no hair to grab.

You fucking grabbed me under my freckled chin. I, yeah, I am a victim of a fucking knockout. She probably feels like she's more of a victim for the fact that she doesn't get to live the lifestyle. She gets to live when she, I gotta be honest with you, man, that's to take a punch like that and then just say like, I'm not a victim. That just seems like that we're coming in on the middle of the movie and or she's just like, I don't know where she fucking grew up.

That that's just a fucking normal week. Like what is everybody flipping out of her back to football? If I was the saints, he could have left me in the elevator. He brought me in. He took me in. Yes. Won't cut the next day. Couple of Advil.

It's like it never happened. That's fucking hilarious to just sit because, you know, women's groups will just like flipping out. It's just so much fun to watch them. Women's groups actually have like, like someone on their allegedly their side actually arguing with them because there's no way guys can do it. I'm making all kinds of noises. We came through this chair and there's no way guys can fucking do it.

It's just, it's got really gotten to the point that like, like there's certain groups that if they complain, people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing and losing money and advertisers or their job or any of that, that they will just sit there and they will listen to anything from a hundred percent logic and genius to absolute lunacy. It doesn't make a difference. It's just the topic. What are we talking about? You know, whatever, cancer or battered women or fucking whatever you're talking about.

People just go, okay, that makes sense. Right. I'll wear the pink thing. Tell me where to walk where I'll have a pink mustache in December. Matt Lauer would do it. Right. Did you see Dave Letterman trash Matt Lauer? That was one of the fucking most brutal things because, you know, he got into it that lady

on his show and then she fucking pulled this genius fucking move where she started tearing up after they fired her. Right. And then he reached out to touch her and she pulled away and just totally made him look like a fucking asshole. So for the last like fucking 14 months, he's trying to show how playful and silly and how he doesn't take himself seriously or whatever. And I forget what the fuck he was doing.

There was some sort of stunt. He was doing where he was running around shirtless doing something just looking like everything but just wearing a dress and Letterman showed a clip and goes, look at that. Would you look at that? That is a grown man with children, ladies and gentlemen. It's hilarious. And he just goes, who is his agent? And he goes, play that again.

Wow. And it was, and it was tough love, but the guy needed to hear it and he's not doing it as ridiculous. But he, somebody needed to be like, dude, for fuck's sakes, how long are you going to apologize with your fucking self-esteem here? Have a little bit of backbone. And you're okay. So you didn't get along with one fucking person the entire time.

So now you got to go out there, you know, dress like a pinata and have a bunch of kids whack you with a stick. Jesus, Matt, that's a, you know, I'm listening to you just rant, but I'm like, I'm sitting here going, you know, I don't understand how the network even stays with a guy that's toting that after the whole fact. I mean, what the network, they don't give a fuck. They don't give a shit what you're doing. Let's just say that certain somebody that had all those accusations, right?

Well, right. Let's just say that guy. You think, you do think if he was really doing that to all of those women, do you honestly think that only those women knew about it? You don't think there was producers and directors and other actors and all kinds of fucking people that knew something was going on. Dude, once you start making people money, you know, if that, I mean, I should, I shouldn't be using that as an example because that is all alleged.

And I believe innocent until guilty or 13,000 accusations. Somebody said, I saw a funny tweet. I don't know who said it, but it was like, the Bill Cosby thing is a, it's a classic case of he said, she said, dot, dot, dot, she said, dot, dot, dot, she said like 13, she said, man, that's a rough one. That escalated quickly. Yes, it did. That's another one that they show the Ron Burgundy thing after the news broke with Bill

Cosby and then all like, like, and then this story came out, they show like quick clips and news stories, like people going, and now another woman's come forward and another one, and now another one's forwarded. And then they just went with the Ron Burgundy thing and go, going, well, that escalated quickly. Yeah. It's a thing to like, I try not because, you know, I'm a fucking idiot and I've made a bunch of mistakes and all that shit.

I try not to fucking judge people until they've actually just been like, but sometimes you just like, what the fuck? Like, I knew this guy one time, right? I didn't know this guy. It was just someone who knew a guy, knew a guy, knew a guy within my circle. And that's one of those deals, you know, you get that phone call and someone goes, hey, do you remember so and so? And you're like, oh, shit, what?

Is he dead? And they're like, nah. And there was this fucking story where this guy had got arrested for like child trafficking sex, fucking blah, blah, blah, and I was like, oh my God, what is he in fucking Thailand? What is this guy doing? Turned out he got a hooker who was underage and say, ah, he had a bad weekend. He had a bad weekend. The guy had a bad fucking week.

I mean, you pull over and you get a hooker. Am I wrong here? You get her. The first thing you do, you're trying to get her in the car. Right. Exactly. She's doing something illegal. What is she going to show you?

Her real ID? The guy was married, had kids. He had a bad weekend. He had a bad weekend. It was a real bad weekend. Fucking trafficking. That sucks. No, but the way they put it in like the local police blurb made it seem like this guy was-

Who was in charge with that, was he? Like after that? I mean, this was years ago. I just had one fucking phone call about it and I was just like, what the fuck? And then the guy told me the story because I'm literally going like, that dude was into little kids and it's just like, no, he got a prostitute and she was underage. And it's like, all right. I mean, that's, I mean, I don't know how far underage, but I'm assuming like, but I mean,

you could literally- You got to hope it's give or take a couple of years at that point. Yeah. And then she's walking the streets, dude. They age in dog years. Yeah, they do. A 17-year-old's going to look 35. It's true.

I saw one of them. Nobody is thinking how old are you when you get a hooker. You're not thinking that. You're thinking, are you a cop? That's what you're thinking. Yeah. Did you see that, ever see that HBO special on hookers? Like when they walk the streets of like these cities at night and they go, one deep boys

guy does the, you know, and I- Remember that? Yeah. Yeah. Remember those HBO things? And he'd be like, and then it's one o'clock in the morning. And, but there was like, they would tell these girls, like show these girls that would come forward like 31, 32, 33 years old, looked haggard, like 50.

They looked 50. Just beat down with the drugs and the just concrete and jizz will do that to you. It'll do it to you. It's a rough life out there. Rough life. And you're walking in those pumps, you know, your fucking back is all messed up. I know it's been bugging me. I didn't see the people keep texting me the new, no more commercial.

I haven't seen it yet. So maybe I'll see it by next week. But those fucking Dodge Ram commercials. What is this slogan with a like, unity, dignity, realm, realm. What do they say? There's like these, these fucking ridiculous words. I don't know the actual, like they're always like they went to the moon and back. It's just some guy driving on the street with a ladder and I got like some fucking a cock

and one bucket of stucco with some shit in the back. They're acting like they're going to war. And they always slowed down the truck, like taking bumps. I hate that when they like slow the truck down and taking these bumps. Like it's like only in this truck could you be this comfortable over like, boom, boom. Yeah. You're going to load this up and drive over a bunch of tree trunks laying in the road. It's just in case there's a hurricane, you got a bunch of telephone poles right over

through those things ride. We rent, we rent a big, we rent a four door pickup every year when we go to the Rose Bowl. That's what I was thinking about it. Cause guts. That's it. Guts. That's what glory. Well, that's glory.

Right. What is it? Cause when you said the first time, I'm like, I don't want to remember here. All right. What's the guts to take on that payment and that gas goes in tax? What's the glory? Find it somewhere to park that thing, parallel park that thing. Yeah.

Like they've carried a flag. Look at that. I got that thing in. You know what I mean? Yeah. They didn't let the flag touch the ground. They're not. They're coming over to some old shit house like me to fucking charge me up the ass.

Yep. We got the Rose Bowl menu coming this year. Oh yeah. And those of you who are new to my podcast every year, uh, me and a number of other fellas, we all go to the Rose Bowl game and this year, dude, it's a playoff game. Oh, this one's going to be a big one. This one counts for all the marbles. Oh boy.

No, it doesn't. It's a semi-final playoff game. Dude, I got to tell you, it was almost sold out. Yeah. All right. Like I got, I got his four tickets. I had to go two and two. So that was a couple of rows behind us.

God help. Same area though. There's a lot of people between us as we're shouting. Yeah. That area. So we can kind of go give it over to the shoulder. Absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah. Barton's always sad when we have to go to the game anyway. I hope the implications of this one cheers him up a little bit because he hates leaving the tailgate. Well, we all do. But we all do. Yeah. He especially hates leaving the tailgate.

Right. It's the worst. Yeah. So, uh, no, dude, we're going to do the ribs this year. I like your idea. We're going to your idea. We're going to do the ribs this year. When I shotgunned that beer last year, that's kind of the last part of the tailgate.

I remember I just woke up in the lawn chair last year. I went so hard for people who I passed. I'm the first guy who ever passed out at the tailgate hardest I've ever seen you ever go. And we've, we've, we've, you know, we've had some nice where we've knocked them back. And that was the hardest. Do you know, I have ever seen you know, I had never shotgun a beer in my life. It just never went right down.

What are you talking? I crushed it. No, what I'm saying is, you know, a little bit later, you were sitting down. That thing went, that thing was like the lubricator for you. And then that, that's what that, no, dude, no, no, that, that was, dude, that, you know, me whiskey's I was in by the whiskey killed me. That's what I mean is like that thing lubricated you to just be able to go, well, boom, that's what I, that's what I mean.

Like you had never, it was like that. This is like taking a drug for the first time. When you start drinking whiskey at 830 in the morning at 1130 to drink a beer. It's like, it's like, yeah, it's like drinking like orange juice. Yep. I can't even just, we went right down. I just, I never shot gun a beer. I just never, that's, there was always girls around.

I always thought I was going to drip down my fucking shirt. And I was like, they're already not hooking up with me. I don't need to add spilling alcohol all over myself. And ever since college doesn't sound like the type of college where they're shot gun and beer a lot. Oh, sure. They were there? Of course they were.

I was a commuter. Yeah. Dude, I lived in a bubble for the first 25 years of my life. So anyways, getting back to it. So this year, dude, so we got, dude, Alabama might be playing in the fucking Rose Bowl. Be right now, Alabama, right now it'd be Alabama, well, Mississippi State Laws. I'm saying TCU is probably four right now. I don't think.

So TCE, come on frogs. Hello frogs. TCE. Yeah, they're four right now. So it's no longer pack 10, big 10. Not necessarily. No, unless they're both in the, unless they're both in the top four. So we could see SEC, obviously Alabama, what am I thinking?

Here's what it's going to be. You know how they were rotating the bowls for the championship in the last couple of years before they go and went to the final four playoff system? Yeah. What they're going to do is they're going to rotate the semifinals, the, the, the, the championship game is now going to, is not a BCS game anymore. So it's not at one of those five sites anymore. This year's BC, this year's title game, they're calling it the title game is at Dallas Cowboy

Stadium. Next year it's at Glendale in Phoenix where they play with a Cardinals play the year after that. They've already got the first three sites already met. The third year is Tampa cause they're, it's going to be like a super bowl of, they're going to have destination cities. So what they're going to do is they don't have to pay the kids. They're going to make a fortune.

They're going to, they're going to rotate the five. So next year the Rose Bowl won't be one of the semifinal games, either the orange bowl or the cotton ball or the, so there's five, I think out of the five cities every, every, every couple of years though, there'll be a semifinal and I would go to the Cowboys one. Basically every two years is the Rose Bowl is going to be a semifinal game. That's sick. Dude, I would go to the Cowboys, that championship game if they just took that fucking TV down.

That TV is the fucking worst. Yeah. I've never been in it yet. Well, I was working at comedy club out there and the owner out there had a hookup and we sat down on the field level and dude, you couldn't not look at it. I was pulling the visor down on my hat. So I wouldn't look, my neck was stiff. You just, dude, it's clearer than what's going on in the, it's clearer than real life.

Is it? And it's like watching a spaceship land. The only way I would go to that game, I would never sit on the lower level again if I ever went to Cowboys. I would sit, you know, mid to up and I would just, you just sit in there like watching TV outside, but inside where it's happening, but you're sort of a million miles away because you're watching this fucking screen and I don't know, man, like I, there's something about that stadium when there's college football in it.

I love it, man. When I saw like LSU in or, and they, you know, they have the fucking, the end zones that painted their colors. It's a really cool stadium. It sucks that eventually the cotton bowl is going to be in there. That's why I went to, well, actually cotton bowl is, but the, the Red River game is eventually going to be in there. Won't even be played at the cotton bowl.

That's why I went to it a couple of years back and it's just like the Rose Bowl where it's about half the size of like Gillette stadium, but holds like 110,000 people or something like that. And you're sitting there going, there's no way there's a hundred thousand people. It's like, yeah, there is, all there is is seats and everybody's just jammed together on like fucking aluminum seats and stuff. So that Rose Bowl stadium is great. I love going into that stadium and watching football every year.

That's just, that's one of the best places you'll ever see anything in your life, sports related. I think I've been in some cool parks. You've been in a lot more than I have, but man, every time I step into that Rose Bowl stadium to watch that game and see those teams painted on the field, I don't know if there's a January 1st, sunshine, I don't know if there's anything, I don't know if there's a pound for pound, a sporting event that is a consistent thing, as great as the Masters is. I don't know, Rose Bowl is great.

To start the year off, dude, there's no bet. As far as like, it defines like, if you're, if you're like the same kind of moron we are, right? Cause we are morons. It's the perfect. I'm kind of like this girl I was talking to, she's like, well, they don't, some people just don't understand. And I get, dude, you know what I did Thanksgiving day?

I taped all the games. I watched the last one. I didn't watch the first two games. You don't actually did. I was like in a mellow mood and Nia didn't want to watch football. She wanted to watch the Westminster dog show. Oh, I know what happened. I took my dog on a hike, right?

And then I came back, went on like this fucking two hour hike, right? And come back and then I come in and she already has the Macy Day Parade on and I'm like, oh, here we go, right? And some band was playing that song because I'm happy. Oh, the farewell song. Yeah. Yep. They were killing it too.

Yeah. They were killing it, right? I like that song. I need more things that put me in a good mood anyway. So I'm not going to be, I'm not going to worry about admitting that I like that song. That's all right. It's all right. Well, even if people laugh at you right now, you can't hear it.

That's the greatest thing about this. You're in the bubble. So she wanted to watch it and I said, ah, you know what, fuck it, it's Thanksgiving. I'm not going to argue. Let's do it. All right. Let's fucking watch it. And I totally got into it and I, dude, I called it Verzi.

I fucking, I can't say I knew the dog was going to win, but the one that I picked that I wanted to win, there was this fucking bloodhound. Was it a bloodhound? Oh, I love bloodhounds, right? And I made it to the final round. It was that there was this sick ass fucking Japanese dog because of an A. I don't know what it is, but it's fucking jacked. Awesome looking dog.

Looks, I think they bred him to fight bears. There's so many, so much fucking information. I can't even remember. And the fucking bloodhound won. You know what he fucking, he got to the judge. All the dogs were sitting there all prim and proper and that thing sat down as the thing came over. It sat on its ass and started scratching its ear or something like that, its side.

And then when the judge kind of lifted its, you know, you know, hindquarters, come on, let's stand up. It just sort of looked at him and gave him a big fucking kiss on the face, you know, but one big, you know, the giant fucking bloodhounds like getting a paintbrush to the face and the judge looked away and then just couldn't even, he had this fucking ear to the ear grin and even the people announcing will laugh and going, uh, I think that dog knows what it's doing. But blah, blah, blah.

And the fucking thing came in first place. Cause I was saying, yeah, there's no way they're giving it to a bloodhound. There's no way. Cool dogs. Yeah, I know. But when you just think like, you know, best in show, it's usually one of those foofy looking dogs. Didn't what wasn't, uh, what's his name?

I had one in the finals in best in show in the movie. Who did? Stupid version. Christopher guest. Remember he had the big, was that a movie? I never saw that movie. It was a funny movie. Fred Willard kills in that, in that movie.

But anyway, he had in the finals, he had a blood of Jane Lynch is in that movie. I got a seat at some point. Christopher guest, all those guys, Harry Sheer, all those guys, but I want to ruin it for me. The way I ruined a movie for everybody on, uh, on the podcast this week, what you do it, the God girl, you ruined it. I basically said that for fucking two hours and 15 minutes, it's a great movie. The final 15 minutes I didn't like.

That's what I said. I probably shouldn't have said that. I should have just said there that I wasn't going to give out any more information. Um, go and see it and you'll know, you'll know exactly what I'm saying. Hey, you want to do some questions here? Yeah, man. Let's do some questions. I like doing the questions.

All right. Whistling in the bathroom. Uh, what the fuck up? What the fuck is up with dudes whistling in the men's room? They walk in whistling away, take their piss, wash their hands, dry off and leave. And the entire time they're fucking whistling. Why? It's weird.

Knock that shit off. Do you know, uh, do you know why they do this? Um, I would say that they're already a douchebag who walks around whistling and when you go in there, the acoustics, the sound, it's like singing in the shower to them. And um, by the people who whistle in general are really like, uh, they're in their own fucking world because you can't, you're not just picking up on how fucking annoying it is. Especially when you're just in a group of people that you're stranger in, you know,

like that situation. But some people I think might be just happy that they're going to be touching themselves. Oh, so that's why he's happy? I don't know, man. He's maybe going to go in there and see some dicks. Yeah, I don't know. That's a different angle. Hey, all right.

I'm like, it's kind of like stepping like, uh, hey, all right, I'm happy about this decision I made. I'm in the men's room. Taking my dick out. Yeah, man. They're going to be touching my dick and this is going to be great. Hey. You know what I mean?

I don't know. That could be, uh, that could be what's going on, but I used to work in a warehouse and there was a guy that could whistle really well, but he'd do it and he'd wait for like guitar solos that would come on the radio and he would only whistle like three or four notes, but he did it every fucking day in the exact same register. Like he'd wait till the guitar solo got up to a certain point, he would always whistle a couple of fucking notes and, um, I think he did it for about six months before I finally just looked at him.

How do you always do that? And he was like, do what? And I was like, whistle with the fucking guitar solo. It's like, you know, did even know he was doing it. So no, and he had this, you know, I felt bad after I said it because he was absolutely stunned. Like he had no idea. Like, dude, what he was looking at me like, dude, like I thought we were friends.

I had to break a classic me back down a while back from years ago that I didn't know I was doing. That was annoying people. Um, and that was, uh, like this, like this real shriek through my teeth. Oh, Jesus. Don't ever do that again. I'm not. I broke myself up.

But I wouldn't know I was doing it. And I got, I would do it in like, like either awkward, not awkward, like, or some nervous situations or something or like thoughtful situations and I wouldn't know that I was doing it. Like, I would fall into a, you ever fall into like a stair where you just can't say, you just fall out and you're like, Hey, and I would go, and I don't know what I would then people, you know, finally, somebody close enough, your friends are closing up that are just like, dude, would you, and you're like, uh, and then, you know, you're like, you know,

you hear it enough times and you're like, all right, and then I consciously broke it. I don't do it anymore, which is great. I mean, it's been a while. There you go. It's been a long time. Everybody should do that. You ought to be able to walk up to that guy in the men's room. Yeah.

And be like, dude, are you even aware that you walked in here whistling, no one wants to hear it. Yeah. There's always that guy too, that like the old, old guys fart when they piss. It's fucking hilarious. They just fucking go in. They just, they just have like those ones and they don't even smell. It's like, it's so loud, it eats, it eats up the smell.

You ever noticed that noise of it just eats the smell? Did that. Oh my God, all the time, especially like at airports, you know what I mean? Like when you're ducking in at like the terminal and you know, you got there early, you're like, I can go in and have a nice little just, you know, you know, take, you know, take my time in the restroom. And you're just in there and you're trying to relax because, you know, you can take your time and it's like, and there's like two, sometimes there's like two guys doing it.

So those, those guys just don't even give a fuck. How on it? Dude, I've been in there and that's like almost every stall is packed. You've already taken a piss and you're up there trying to wash your hands, not touch anything. And they just, you know, right. And people, and what's funny is nobody says anything because you expect to hear it. You expect to smell it when you're in there. It's like, if that guy did that on the plane, you would either die laughing or fucking punch

him in the face, but in the bathroom, it's just completely acceptable to just nobody gives a shit. And what's so funny is you're in there and it's literally a complete stranger, like six feet away, just shitting. And what you're smelling is the air that's been up his ass and you just don't even give a fuck. You just say, yeah, I'm in a men's room. That's just what it is.

And then you go out and you go out to fucking, you don't have a Chick-fil-A and you get a sandwich and you act like it never happened. Oh my God, dude, I'm dying right now. Yeah, it's fucking unreal. Oh my God, that's hilarious. Totally acceptable. All right, you ready for another one? That's worse than our experience in the steam room in fucking San Francisco.

Oh, Jesus, you're here. We can talk about this. Oh my God. That Asian guy, then he started cleaning his feet. Remember that? Yeah, he started doing his feet. I thought he was giving himself a pedicure, or he was doing that thing off the heel. And he was getting the dead skin off his fucking...

And he was just letting him swing around. And he just had like, he was almost like opening his thighs. It was very disturbing. I just think it was like a, I think it's just a different level of comfortableness. Like, you know, I saw the different, this of our comfortableness is the last people who owned this house was a gay couple. So they had that, that magazine that comes every once in a while. Oh, dude, that was fucked up.

And I'm, I'm going like, in the hell, like, he's like cowboys with like assless chaps. And they're sitting there, and they got these looks, they got these looks on their face. What the fuck is that? And they got these looks on their faces, like, that same attitude like a Victoria's Secret model has, like, you know, you could never have this bitch. So I'm sitting there going like, so I'm sitting there trying to show it to Jay. And he literally, he's already standing up. He literally turns his back and is walking away going like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

I don't want to see that. I'm like, come on, gentlemen. Look at the guys mustangely. I don't want to, I don't want to see this. Come on, man. Dude, you were so repulsed. Like, I sat there going like, wait a minute. Is there something wrong with me?

I'm either fucking forward thinking here, or I'm falling on the other side of the fence. Oh, God, it was like, it was like a, oh dude, it's hilarious. It was like a magic Mike collector's item. No, it's like one of those, one of those. Right. But I'm just saying that's the, you know, the pictures. These are the way these guys were looking at you. Oh, magic Mike.

Yeah. You were about to strip. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. No, they had the exact same attitude as that was hilarious, like, you're not good enough for this. What did you say? You'll never get this.

I'll never get this. Yeah. What do you do for a living, buddy? They did look like that. Yeah. All right. Transitioning to becoming a professional. I recently fulfilled the lifelong dream of becoming a professional comic book artist.

Congratulations, dude. Now there's a fun job for that provided you don't work for Disney because they'll probably take all the creativity out of it. Why did I just say that skeptical as I was that I would never find, I'm just getting in there. Good gracious thing. I didn't have problem with the gay catalog. And now I just fucking blew it.

No. Guess who won't be doing a fucking. What is it? Avatar? Whatever the fuck they do. It gives a shit. What do you want to do? Something about the global warming with penguins?

You won't be in the next Ducks Mighty Ducks sequel. Right. Or two computers that want to fuck. Was that another one? Short circuit. Is that what it's called? Is that the one from the 80s? No.

The one that was like recent. I saw it. Nia loved it. It was like a computer and he liked the other computer and then there was fat people who couldn't walk. And I'd never seen that one. They were so fat they would drag each other around. Some of the ideas that get shut down and I just heard that.

That just didn't. And the rough sketch of what you said is just like what? A computer like him and he liked her and fat people. Oh, hang on. Let me finish reading this. It's skeptical as I was that I would ever finding six. What? Skeptal as I was that I would ever find, I guess, find success.

Not finding. I have always prepared for the eventual accordingly. What? Knowing the transition from amateur to professional would be arduous. Dude, you should have been a fucking writer. However, it has been surprising to find that the most difficult aspect of the job is not what was expected, such as meeting deadlines, working with established professionals, satisfying my editor's center, but something I hadn't much accounted for.

What is causing me anxiety and filling me with dread is that in a few months time, a relatively large swath of Americans will be in possession of my work, pawing and prodding, casting judgment upon it. I imagine it akin to witnessing my child stillborn. Jesus Christ, dude. Certainly a dramatic comparison, but my paranoia is rampant. My question to you is what is your advice for dealing with artistic growth in the public eye? Not limited to the negative, I imagine the positive side can have as many drawbacks.

Thanks and go fuck yourself. Dude, this is a very contemporary question. This is one of the dangers of the internet now. Long setup. Oh yeah, absolutely. Well, it's a passionate thing here. Plus half the reason they write in this long is because they want to hear me struggle. Sure, they love it.

They think I don't know what they're doing. I'm trying to slip by. Yeah, I would just say when you put it out there, you just don't go on Twitter. Don't do it. If it's doing well, that's all you need to worry about. Okay. And even then, all you can really worry about is you did what you thought was awesome. And people either like it or they don't.

And fuck them. You move on to the next thing, but you really got to develop a tough skin for this type of thing. And, you know, there's going to be a couple of people no matter what you do. I mean, I went to the Sistine Chapel and made fun of it and look at me. I can't even fucking draw a goddamn stick figure. So, I mean, just take that with a grain of salt that that's going to happen. Like, I got a special coming out this week. You know, I'll get some good shit.

I'll get some bad shit, but, you know, I take all of it like I don't give a fuck. As long as people keep coming out to my shows, I know that there's people that don't like what I do. I know there's people that think I stake. I know that there's people that, you know, might not like whatever. And it's just a part of it. And if you're going, if you're going to put your shit out there, which you want to do because you want to make a name for yourself or you wouldn't be pursuing this, you're just going to have to develop that tough skin. So, give yourself time to develop it.

If somebody says something negative, because I know you're still going to read them because it's your first one. And if they say something negative and it makes you feel bad, that's completely normal. But afterwards kind of examine the fact that you let somebody who you don't even know what their background is. They probably can't draw at all. And you allow them to ruin a part of your day that you're never going to get back. And you start looking at that way. Eventually you'll get over with, get over it, right? What would you say, Shane?

Well, I would say he's a cartoon guy, right? Like a cartoon strip guy. Yes, he is. The thing about that is if you're a little leery about how it gets accepted in the public eye or whatever, the cool thing about being a cartoon strip is you can kind of go under a ghost name or a written name. You can kind of put your thing out there like you said, put it out there. You don't have to go to Twitter or anything. See how people receive it.

And then when the criticism dudes come, like they are going to come because that's just what people do. And especially in this, in a thread comment reality that we live in, no matter what's posted or what's shown, you can kind of maybe at least protect yourself a little bit. You know, knowing that it's a ghost name or a written name or a pen name. And you can kind of try to accept it that way and feel like, well, I can step into this person now and own it as me. Yeah, no matter what you make, people are going to shit all over it. They're going to shit all over it and just no matter what you fucking do. Some people, they're not even serious.

They're doing that trolling thing, which is really the easiest fucking thing to do. Oh, yeah. But as fun as hell. It's fun to do that. I understand why people do it. So, all right. Last one here is we're winding down. 24 year old virgin.

Dear Billy Blueballs. I am a 24 year old man who has somehow never pulled the trigger. I've had plenty of chances, but whether it's been the condom breaking whiskey disc, whiskey dick, he's trying to write, or just straight nerves. I've never been able to pull it off. I've recently moved into a new apartment and this fact is keeps slapping me in the face. I'm having to make up sexual encounters to tell my friends and hope they never run into that girl and hope it comes up in conversation. Well, dude, if you're going to make a check up, don't have it be somebody real.

You said, I set up profiles on plenty of fish and tinder, but it comes. These guys like this must be as a young guy. So I don't even know what the fuck that means, but I haven't had much luck and don't really want to fuck a bunch of fat chicks. I almost broke down and got a hooker online. Don't do that. Called the number. Never set an appointment. But the fear of getting in trouble slash feeling like a loser stopped me.

Plus, dude, you're going to get a disease that way, dude. You're going to go from having this fucking pristine dick to it's just going to look like fucking roadkill. You know, after one at bat, man, you don't want to do that. You got to ease into the hooker's people. Anyways, I don't have David Cho, C-H-O-E. And do you know what that is? C-H-O-E? No idea.

Who does he play for, dude? Never heard of him. I don't have David Cho type money to go on a traveling whore venture and I'm getting sick of failed attempts, whether they are online or in person. I feel as if it is affecting my confidence with women and my life in general. I realize that whoever I bang first, I'm going to be awful. That is influenced who I would approach because I wanted to spare myself the embarrassment of the potential situation. What do you think is the best thing to do? Keep trying to get normal girls or just go on the back page of Hotel Six spending spree?

No. From one Irish guy from Mass to another. Love the stand up podcast and thanks to the vice go fuck yourself. I would say you got to get out in front of this son. You got to come clean. Like you're so ashamed over something you shouldn't be ashamed of that this is causing you to do something you don't want to do, which is go fuck a hooker. You don't want to do that. That's going to be horrific.

You could get arrested. You could get a disease. You could get a disease and get arrested. It could turn out to be a dude. It could be a zillion fucking things traumatic that could happen for you. So what I would do is just just fucking, you know, so stupid, but just be yourself. This is you 24 year old virgin. I don't know why it hasn't happened.

You put it out there. It's actually a confident fucking move. Don't tell it to some blabbermouth cunt. Just approach a woman that you actually are attracted to and like you actually like who she is. That's the one you want to be with. Okay. You don't want to be with some fucking, you know, I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Are you some cut like that?

You know, you might be go from a virgin to, you know, you get your first murder in there. You know, that seems like one of those things. They're 24 year old virgin. You'd accidentally push her too hard. She'd whack her head. Oh my God. Get up. Sure he had a motive.

This guy could never get laid. You know what I mean? And they bring in the guys breaking you down. You never had sex. Did you? Did you? Took all the other ones out on her. You know what I mean?

Like, yeah. I want answers. Exactly. Yeah. I think be yourself. But here's the thing is I think this guy's a little concerned about like how he's going to perform to what the girls don't think of him. So that's why he's thinking he's in the hooker realm.

Like it's like they're paid not to laugh at me. You know what I mean? Like it's almost like it's sure sex and I can kind of figure my way out. They're not going to teach you anything either. They're just going to fucking lay. Right. But he's maybe thinking that that's why I say the play is you're 24. If you've got some friends or whatever the story is or wherever you hang out, you might

like have a favorite bar or something. Dude, listen, it may sound a little shallow, but if I think of it gets you through what you're going through, which I think I know what you're going through is, you know, find out who like the like in your age group because they are like the loose girl like without being a prostitute, like the chick that's been banging some guys around the scene for a little bit. Not really. No.

I'm serious. Like this is a way to get laid. This is a way to get a real person without all that other stuff. Still kind of be yourself. You can even. But he wants to keep the fact that he's a virgin under wraps. That's fine. You think that girl's going to keep her mouth shut?

Nobody. Dude, you don't even tell her. You just go into it with a little bit of confidence. She's because that's why I say do the whore because she's going to help you figure it out. She's not going to. She's enough of a kind of a loose girl to just so you're saying he just sits in a chair, takes it out and goes, get on.

So that you've got to handle the fucking entry there. So he won't fuck that up. He just sits. That's what you do. You go out and you buy a throne at a fucking yard sale. Right? Biggie crowns and she comes over, right? And you just fucking Herman Munster.

That's who you sound like when you're doing that. Lilian. No, no, I look, well, this is the first thing I do. Stop being so fucking hard on yourself and it's not that big a deal. It really isn't that big a deal. And if you told your friends, you know, if they laugh at you, whatever, guys break balls, but they're going to try to help you. They're going to try to fucking help you out.

But there's always going to be a couple of douchebags and who gives a fuck if they go and they say, who cares? After fucking people, you know, a 24 and a half, most of them, you're never going to fucking see again. Exactly. That's why I'm saying. Take your dick out. No, I'm saying that, you know, in a perfect world bill, yeah, you meet a really nice girl.

You are yourself. Yeah, that's a perfect world. It's a movie. It's a movie. Listen, and you're still 24. That's going to happen a little later down on the road. You're going to be an experienced, confident guy and you're going to meet the right person. You're going to be able to really be yourself in this instant to get this thing out of the

way. You got it. You said you got to get out in front of this thing. I say you got to put it behind you in a sense too, because it's like, you got to be able to pick it up and move on and go to the next, you know, have the condom on when you walk into the bar. Well, I'm just saying, next stage of life, I say find the, you know, you start finding out, like hanging out with them a little bit, like cute girls that are just kind of out

there having fun. They will hold your hand through the fun, man. I'm telling you, you won't even have to tell them that you're a virgin. And guess what? At the end of the day, you won't have to tell anybody you're a virgin because you won't be a virgin anymore. Jay Lawhead, ladies and gentlemen, Jay Lawhead will be performing at the Lorraine Palace Theater December 27th tickets are online.

If you go to my website, actually you can go to Jasonlawhead.com because the ticket links kind of long. There's a banner at the homepage. You can click on the banner. It goes right to the site. We got like a group pack for holiday pack for a little discount. If you buy like, you know, a certain amount, but there are 15 bucks a piece. It's going to be a great show.

December 27th. What time? 8pm. Lorraine, Ohio. Lorraine, Ohio, man, and it's the release of my debut CD. You've never heard of me, which I'm excited about putting out and putting that material behind me too, man. I am as excited about that show as I am seeing what you're going to cook up this year at

the Rose Bowl. Ribs, buddy. Bison burgers in the morning for like omelettes and then the bison burgers in during the, you know, that middle part and then the feast before kickoff will be ribs. It's going to be unbelievable. And then I got the Cuban cigar hookup. It's going to be ridiculous. That's a partner when he gets excited.

I could drink a hundred of these for God. All right. That's the podcast for this week. I hope you guys all had a happy Thanksgiving and I'm thankful for all you fuckers listening to this. All right. Go fuck yourself and I'll talk to you later next week.