Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-10-18

Episode Date: December 10, 2018

Bill rambles about Liverpool, search bars, and gift pressures.

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How are you? How are you doing? You're doing good? That's good I'm not, I hope you are, I'm not You know, I was going to try to tough my way through this podcast And smile and act like everything's fucking rosy Oh Jesus Christ It just never fucking ends It never ends, never fucking ends

The work never fucking ends And on top of that, I sat down and watched some sports this weekend Let's get it out of the way Oh, oh, how many of you Dolphin fans left the sports bar? Be honest How many of you went out into the kitchen and heard your one loyal friend still in front of the TV going Oh my God, oh my God, oh my no way Right?

And then you ran back in like what happened, what happened? Jesus fucking Christ That last play of that game, that literally, you know what that highlight looked like? Not the first guy who caught it, the guy who ladder-lit too That literally looked like, you know, when you see an NFL great And then you look at one of his high school highlights Specifically the running backs You ever notice it's like there's 20 people on the other team

It seems all standing around, he just runs past all of them And you're like, why didn't they just tackle him? Oh, because he's an NFL guy playing against high school football players That happened against my team I felt bad for Gronk, he was obviously in there because they thought they were going to throw a Hail Mary Rather than like a fucking 15, 20-yard pass Congratulations to the Dolphins, you fucking onus in Miami Patriots now 9 and 4

I think it's a foregone conclusion That the road to the Super Bowl is now goes through Kansas City It's going to be a fun playoff Not for Patriots fans, not the way our fucking defense was playing yesterday Jeez, Tom Brady, once again, once again His dilemma, how many fucking points do I have to score? How many times do I got to put on the white hat, gallop into town and fucking save all the Dambels is in distress? How many times do I get to look fucking unbelievable?

Absolutely shredded the Dolphins defense And once again comes away with a loss I would love to see, he has to have the record All-time record for passing yards in a loss 500 yards, 300 yards, 400 yards, it's fucking 8, 4 touchdowns 3 touchdowns, 5 touchdowns, it doesn't make a difference In this age of no fucking defense I'll tell you, defense is so bad, they got Gronk playing safety

Jesus Christ There were so many times in that game where we could have put him away and we didn't So, but you know, it is, it's a transitional year We lost our best running back to wide receivers, a left tackle in a cornerback And you know, it takes a while for people all to get on the same page and every day of their night At least on the last play of the game, Jesus Christ How do those guys even look at Tom Brady? You know, when you fucking do something like that

Gronk was probably like, hey, not for nothing, I did catch one for you today, Tom Tom just fucking glares at him, right, as he puts on his uggs Fucking brutal Bruins went back to back, huh? How about that fucking, that guy up there, Hyman Hitting Charlie McAvoy, I missed the game because I've been out going to these fucking Christmas parties and shit out here Still haven't drank, still have not drank, fucking 15 days in, feeling good about myself Fucking, thousand one, thousand two, boom!

I mean, McAvoy, I think that was his first game back But either way, we're winning games, winning games with the new coach and all that And I'm hoping I'm going to actually get some time I follow him on Twitter or whatever, I watch the highlights and shit, so I know what's going on I beat Ottawa tonight, 2-1 and overtime I don't know, I'm just trying to spend time with the family bag, easy Been having a great time One of my relatives bought this motorized car

For my daughter, and she liked it the first day and then I don't know what happened, I think she pushed the button and it ran over her little foot And then she's kind of like, what's with this thing? So she kind of stayed away from it So finally tonight, I just got on the thing at the risk of breaking it And I was just going up and down the hallway, going weeeeee And finally, she wanted to get on it And then all of a sudden, now she doesn't want to get off it It was pretty awesome

She doesn't get staring or stopping yet, but I just sort of run along with the Bent at the waist for maximum fucking up of my dad back You know what I mean? I'm telling you, if you're a dad, you got to get one of those foam rollers every night and every morning I'm just on the floor, rolling out my back, it's great It's great, sometimes in the middle of the day, but I must have for like 40 minutes Running around like fucking Igor in Frankenstein, like literally at 90 degrees Bent at the waist to trying, running behind her, trying to steer this thing

So she wouldn't drive into chairs and countertops and all of this shit And then when she was finally done, I went to stand up and I just did the But it was worth it, because that's my buddy I also watched Liverpool vs Bournemouth B-O-U-R-N-E-M-O-U-T-H Told you I was going to start watching them Jesus Christ, Mo Salah, four goals Does that ever happen?

I felt like I was watching some Wayne Gretzky shit Every time I watched that guy, other than the World Cup Didn't go so well for Egypt there, but he scored a bunch of goals and I really enjoyed it And I got to tell you, it was raining out once again And I had this ridiculous urge to start drinking some Guinness with some fucking shots of Jameson And I'm just like, you know, it's weird Everything about Great Britain, Ireland, anything over there Just makes me want to drink

Because I think because of the movies that I see, you know Binky Blinders, don't know nothing about no robbery Right? All they do is booze on that show when they're not throwing their little sharp hats at people You know, Ireland is fucking Ireland, you know Scotland, you know, they're up there drinking that fucking pintar looking beer It's just, you know, it's always raining What do you want to do when it's raining out, you know? You want to start boozing

But really, shit fucking defense in that game, huh? But you know what I finally understood? I'm starting to understand off-sides a little bit more I guess I get it Because the goal is so big you can't have people just running all around It'd be fucking great if you could though I think the thing that I would adjust On

If I was to buy into a soccer league here in America I would make the goal smaller And then I would just have a blue line in hockey And once she got into the zone, whoever was the fastest motherfucker Could get out front, you know You just make the goal a little bit smaller Somewhere between soccer-sized goal and highlight You know, somewhere in there

Bigger than an NHL goal Obviously it's a giant fucking ball Sorry, I'm recording this late at night I gotta be up with the kid tomorrow morning So I gotta do this But I really enjoyed it What's the next game? What's the next game we have?

Out there in fucking Premier League Let's see here Liverpool You cunt Liverpool Football Schedule Come on, come on, there we go

Bum-bum-bum-bum Do-do-do-do-do-do I thought they had another game Oh, this one's a 12-19 I need 12-18 I definitely want to see that Man United game Because they're like the fucking Yankees Oh, Liverpool vs. Napoli

This is gonna be another one of these football clubs With the really small stadiums It makes me feel guilty for rooting for Liverpool To see somebody with one of those cute little stadiums They're like, well, look at them I got a roof for these guys It's like the Kansas City Royals Or the fucking Premier League

Then they got Man United Then they're up against Wolves That does not ring a bell Is that one of those little last stadium clubs? Or is that gonna be one of those fucking Illuminati Freemason fucking It's got a creepy logo, I kinda like it New Castles, New Castle, right?

That's a bigger place Arsenal's Arsenal I know those are the bigger ones, right? They got some big games Man United and Arsenal I recognize them 12-16 and 12-29 I'll be watching those games

You know, if I'm allowed to If I'm allowed to You know, as a guy You don't call the fucking shots, do you? No, you do not You know Oh, jeez, what a fucking weird Nah, it's not a weird week

It's just sort of a normal week now You know, people digging back into people's tweets Yeah, you fucking said them When you said this Back when you were this person That you no longer are Remember when you fucking did that Then somebody else comes along

What about these people? They fucking did that And then the whole world's like Well, they have vaginas So it doesn't count I saw this fucking lady The lady, former Miss Kentucky Said naked pictures to a 15-year-old student

Yeah, if you watch the slap on the wrist She gets It's how it works That's the world we live in They have victims And they never get punished for some reason I just don't understand it I thought we were going for equality here

It's like if you fuck up, you fuck up, right? Everybody gets fucking The same fucking pound of flesh taken No, is that not how it works? I don't know how it works All I know is now is I'm feeling like This is like It's gonna become a world where it's just like

Ah, you know, I'll kind of do that job But I don't want to be the guy doing the job job I'll be on the outskirts of the guy doing the job Because I'm not gonna, you know You know, people just I don't know this whole fucking world now Where like people are just Oh, that guy's successful

Or she's successful Let's go back and let's try to fucking ruin Whatever they're doing I think if you fucking do that Someone should go back into your life Interview a bunch of people And let's see if you're a good fucking person Because if you're not, I mean, what the fuck's going on?

Then you're just being a cunt You're just upset because somebody else Has something that you don't, is that what it is? I don't know Anyways, so Today I went to this awesome birthday party It was a friend of ours So we go over there

My lovely life And my beautiful daughter, right? And it's like a two-year-old birthday So we fucking go over there And we're having a great time And then there's one big kid there She's like six years old She's like the older sister or somebody or whatever

And she's got like this giant like Not like dollhouse It's like a tree fort But it's on the ground, you know It's like a dollhouse that a kid can go into The fuck do you call that? Clubhouse? I don't know what it is, right? So she's in there and the dude

Like whose daughter was hooked it up Had like a doorbell It had a sign with the six-year-old girl's name on it You know, a little phone jack thing in there I mean this thing was awesome So she was in there and she was like Preparing breakfast or whatever And oh my god, did I bomb

In front of this six-year-old Every time I went left I should have went right Right, it was hilarious Like I sat down I was standing like watching my daughter going in and out Of the doors, right? And then she announces, she goes I made pine cones for breakfast

So I see this little seat that you sit outside Almost like a serving window So I sat down, I said, oh I go, thank you very much for making me a pine cone She goes, I didn't give it to you yet And I went, oh shit, sorry So then she hands it to me and I go, thank you I go, how much is that?

And she goes, it's not for sale She goes, they're not for sale And I was like, oh, all right, sorry It just struck me as like a little lemonade stand I'm thinking, it's like, all right And then she looks at me and she goes, it's $12.50 So then I pretend to count out $12.50 And she goes, no, that's not what it cost

She goes, that's what time it is I was just like Alrighty then, I'm gonna leave Because evidently, I have the intellect of a three-year-old Because you're destroying me She got me three times in a row Thank you for making me for the pine cone She goes, I didn't give it to you yet

How much do I owe you? It's not for sale It's $12.50, here's your $12.50 That's not the price, it's the time I was just like, wow This takes me back to when I was in school Whatever I said was just I don't know

But anyways, I still had a great time A daughter figuring out some stuff How to go down the slide and all that stuff And kids, they kind of go through the same way In the beginning, they're like really outgoing At least my daughter was And then they get shy And then we got her to be outgoing again

So it's kind of cool watching her do that It's kind of cool because I was in the valley area Kind of out by Van Nuys Airport And just the way the wind was blowing The planes were taken off to, I guess I don't know if it was the north But sort of, not towards LAX They were headed the other way

And they were kind of going over the house Which I thought was awesome And then I looked in the alley And there was a guy with this one floor house And he had a windsock On top of his roof And I'm thinking like Is that guy like a pilot?

Like who the fuck could see that from the air But in a way it was kind of cool that he was doing it Maybe he's a pilot And he goes out and just Because he takes off from there And it's kind of a straight shot down to the airport He just sort of looks at it But then he could just listen to the fucking ATIS anyways

To know which way he's going to take off I don't know I just never seen a windsock On top of anything other than a skyscraper Or at least someone with like a helipad on it Those of you who don't want to talk about it Just basically shows which way the wind's blowing And you always take off and land into the wind

For optimal performance And the last thing you do is You don't want to have it at your back That's not a good thing Anyways But we were driving up there And it's just like I always knew people drove crazy

I don't like driving on the highway with my kid I just don't If anybody out here is listening in LA You know, I know this isn't going to make a difference Because there's so many of you guys out here But like that fucking shit Where you pass people on the right hand side You really got to be

You're going to fucking kill somebody You know You pass somebody on the left The further left you go The faster you go Alright The furthest left that you can go That's the people driving the fastest

You don't drive that fast in the first fucking lane Somebody's trying to get off the highway They're making their way over Now all of a sudden They got to be going like 80 miles an hour To get off the fucking highway What are you doing? I just think it's because there's

There's so many lanes It's like six lanes out here On either side that I think all the It just becomes I don't know what it is And there's so much traffic I just feel like people are just like Oh my god, an open fucking lane

I can go a quarter of a mile And not have to hit the brakes And they just fucking Slam the gas down Whatever the hell it is they're doing But it's really unsettling And then I'm sitting there with I don't want to fucking snap

And I can't because my kid's in the car Because I don't want to fucking be that guy I don't know dude But anyways, I'm doing some benefits Out here this week I believe Thursday night I'm going to be up at the ice house And then I'm also doing one

At the Fonda Theater For who the hell is it for The comedy store So that's what I'm doing this week I've got a couple of those things I mean I've got to be doing I'm trying to take some time off Before I go to Europe

But I also have to be on my game When I go to Europe So it's sort of a slippery slope But I've got a bunch of new shit That I want to talk about I can't wait to talk about it Get on stage here Tomorrow night I think I'm going to

Head out somewhere here in LA And try to get on some stage time Get some stage time I should say And I still have not fixed my headphone jack here But I am done flipping out about it Because I'm trying to be a better man Anyways, so when somebody gives So when some woman gives a speech

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I mean out here in LA I swear to god it's like every other block They're just knocking shit down And then putting up a luxury high rise apartment And they're forcing like, you know They're forcing people out And I don't know where they're going to find All of these rich people

That shit there seems to me That's like for the The upper 10% of people And it's 100% of the buildings That seem to be getting built out here I don't know What the fuck do I know I'm just a goddamn comedian

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Talk about how the holidays Are always the busiest time of year It absolutely is Everybody's got to go out shopping Whether they like it or not What do you have on your holiday list? I still have this fucking headphone Phone jack, whatever the fuck you call it

When I learn what it is Then I feel like I can order it As opposed to just ordering A bunch of shit That sort of looks like it Is it a jack? Is it an adapter? I don't know what it is

What else do I have on my list? I don't know What the fuck? I know I have something We wish you a merry Christmas Because it's cold outside Baby, it's cold outside What do I have for...

What is my wish for Christmas? I wish that all of you guys Have a very merry Christmas And that they try to take Any music away from you They're going to start with that song And I figured in about three months They're going to go after

Aerosmith for Walk This Way She can walk out whatever way She wants to Maybe a couple of books I'm reading a book right now Bob Cousy and Bill Russell That I really enjoy I'm telling them

We're going to get back to books I keep threatening that I'm going to go back to church I'm going to start reading books Then I'm going to go back to church Then I'm going to start burning the books That I'm reading And then I'm going to go to a remote island

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Everybody's screaming and yelling About shit that's in people's Twitter feeds And meanwhile, the bankers Are about ready to fuck over Another generation of retirees And once again, they will not go to jail You know what I mean? And I gotta fucking sit here

And listen about gender neutral bathrooms You know, do you know what all you guys Have in your house or your apartment? You know what you already have? You have a gender neutral or fucking bathroom As long as you gotta sit down toilet I mean, that pretty much covers The entire spectrum of way a human being

Can go to the bathroom You know? But I want a sign that has my silhouette on it Meanwhile, they're building another luxury high-rise apartment With fucking old people's money We'll live long enough to fucking get out of it I don't know what the fuck we're doing What we need to do, man

Is we need to legalize weed at a federal level And we need to export it And we need to get the world high So they like us again And then we take all that money We pay for this never-ending war And then meanwhile, we get on to some sort of Fucking electrical and solar power

Even though at the end of the day It's probably not cleaner But what it will do is put all these fucking people Out of business Because they won't have any oil money To pay them a lot of tax They want to blow us up Why don't we do that?

And everybody will be having a holly jolly Christmas It's the best time of the year Boo-ba-da-bee-boo-doo-ba I don't know if there'll be snow I'm gonna sing you guys some carols But have a cup of cheer All right I bet that we got some good emails this week

I have no idea who Oh, I want to thank Rich Eisen, by the way For having me on a show I had a great time, man He's such a good dude Just a really good fucking person And, you know, all the people that are over there Are hilarious

I had such a fun time on that show, you know They were saying how Peter was raining Crazy that day And I guess they got some sort of warning Where they were saying, you know, Peter was saying You know, you shouldn't say it's raining cats and dogs anymore Because if they actually were falling out of the sky From a rain cloud, they'd get hurt

And it's just like, yeah, well, we understand gravity But that's never happened, okay? So, of course, I went in there How do you not, you know? It's like, Jesus Christ, it's raining cats and dogs out there It's a frog straying You could drown a fucking moose out there And I love animals, you know

I love animals as much as I hate pushy cunts Yeah, pushy fucking cunt All right, Wikipedia searching Hey, you sweet billy boy I wanted to give you a hand with your search engine Always using Wikipedia Oh, God bless you If you use Firefox or Chrome

There's a setting in the options Of course I don't Or settings Chrome for choosing the default search engine Is when you type in your location bar Oh, wait a second, well, let me see All right, well, I'm on Safari Let's see Preferences

All right, here we go Page, 100% zoom Never use font size smaller than nine Internet plugins, show menu, change settings Style sheet, nothing selected Am I going to fuck this whole thing up? All right, obviously this isn't All right, tabs, general, passwords,

Privacies, notifications, advanced New windows, new tabs Home page Is apple.com Oh, I can change that, I know I could do that Um, remove history Oh, Jesus Christ Search, oh, search, here we go

Search engine is Google, all right Well, where the fuck's the sh- God damn, ah, you motherfucker It never works, why would it work for me? All right, well, that was a big swing in a miss Bookmarks, develop, window I have no idea, everybody, if you're listening, it says Safari, then it says file, edit, view, history,

Bookmark, develop, window, help I'm not going into help, I've done that too many times I fucking ask a question and it never answers the question That I fucking asked, you know I've just been hurt too many times Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? It's just one of those things All right, the first known decorated tree

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree How lovely are your branches You're fucking there, you're really a shrub In a month you'll be a nub Because you won't get water, then you go out in the trash It's like a puppy mill for trees Oh Christmas tree Lyrics, let's see here

Well, let's take me to Wikipedia Oh, okay, it's oh Christmas tree Oh Christmas tree, how lovely are thy branches Jesus, someone with a powdered wig wrote this one Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree Just spelled the letter O, not OH How lovely are thy branches Ben Franklin is a fucking drunk

Paul Revere beats his horse Oh Christmas, these are original lyrics No, you're both so green in summertime Stave bravely green in wintertime Oh Tannenbaum, oh Christmas tree How lovely are the, I don't know what a bow is I don't want a Tannenbaum That's like a rich person's last name

Mr. Tannenbaum, I presume All right, now I gotta, I gotta feel what a Tannenbaum is Now they just start fucking singing about it That's when you know you're into the holidays When you know what all this fucking shit means You know those Martha Stewart type chicks, you know The fangirls that really like keep up But they'll know how to make a Tannenbaum

Oh Tannenbaum is a German Christmas song Based on a traditional, it's not what I want Wikipedia, you fucking intrusive cunts Oh Tannenbaum, I guess it's all one thing Oh Tannenbaum Oh wait, did they write oh Christmas tree? I guess, oh that means, oh that means tree in German Oh shit

When I go to Germany next month, I'm gonna have to sing that To all those fucking crowd eating sons of bitches over there Oh, oh Tannenbaum, oh Tannenbaum It's a German Christmas song based on a traditional folk song It became associated with the traditional Christmas tree By the early 1920s and sung as a Christmas carol The modern lyrics were written in 1824 by Leipzig By the Leipzig organist teacher and composer Ernst

A Tannenbaum is a fur tree The lyrics do not exactly actually refer to Christmas tree Or describe a decorated Christmas tree Instead they refer to the furs evergreen quality As a symbol of constancy and faithfulness Oh I see This guy was alone in the woods Started having fucking feelings about a tree

You know what I mean? Yet we still complain in this country Christ is people in Germany writing songs about trees Well I guess we have tree huggers here You know Eventually whoever the pita is for trees Who's that fucking green piece? You know, they're not gonna like the expression tree hugger

Because the tree has no say in that physical contact So in a way it's a form of assault Alright, the first known decorated Christmas tree Dear Billy, ghost of Christmas past I really do look like that, don't I? Did you know that on your tour of Europe You'll be stopping in the city where the oldest Recorded decorating of a Christmas tree went down?

I didn't know that Riga or Riga Latvia That almost sounds like two characters on fucking taxi Riga and Latvia Heard a friend talking about it And immediately thought of you What's your favorite way to decorate a tree? Quickly

Without my wife in the room telling me I'm doing it wrong What else? I don't know My favorite way to decorate a tree would be With my lovely wife With some eggnog With some Christmas music on A little booze in the eggnog

We do a little slow dance I kiss her under a mistletoe You know, one of the last years you can do that Because that's a major crisis for white women That, you know, there's mistletoe out there, I guess You know, they really have a lot of problems And that's like one of the ones right on the top of the list You know, I mean, forget about climate change

And that swirl of trash in the Pacific Ocean Can't even say it I think what we need to get down to first off Is what's the deal with mistletoe? Anyways, I... When you have camel toe during the holidays Is that called mistletoe? Reverse mistletoe? Upside down, inverted mistletoe

I don't know When I was a kid, we made ornaments in school with macaroni Yeah, then you'd spray painted gold Macaroni, glitter and white glue and shit like that I doubt that they do that anymore Thanks and love to you and the family And the MM Photoshop guy who lets me see you In all your imaginary glory

Yeah, we used to... That always used to be a thing I made, you know, yeah, I used to make ornaments I remember there was one, it's like it took a coffee cup And then some, one of those pipe cleaner things, you know You cut a hole in the bottom of the cup And you, I don't know, somehow you ran a piece of macaroni And it was supposed to look like a bell

And the top of the pipe cleaner coming through was the handle Then they would make a cardboard cut out of a little paper Cut out of a Christmas tree Then you put a bunch of macaroni on it For whatever reason, macaroni was a big deal You'd glue it to the paper and then you'd spray painted gold And then you'd give it to your mother and she'd look at it like That is the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen

But my kid made it and I love my kid So that will now go on the fucking front door until you're 47 Yeah, I don't know, I'm not, you know I like ornaments I wish we had a lot more of them But like, I don't like those Christmas tree shops They creep me out And like, really

People that go in there are weird in a way that I'm not weird And however they're weird is it just fucks with my weird And I get all weirded out, man And I just fucking, I just leave I can't, you know, I'm trying to get to the point where I'm not saying that There are a bunch of fucking weirdos in there Because I know I'm weird, right? But I go in there and it's like

You know, plus I don't like clutter And I don't like a bunch of shit around my house You know what I mean? It's like, those people that like You know, you go buy somebody's house And every year they have like You know, those figurines and shit That they put in the front yard

And every year you see the same ones and then they add a few more Have you ever thought about like Where the fuck do they put those things The other 11 months of the year Like, how much of their garage is that thing Like, it's the middle of July, it's hot as shit You go in there, you're trying to find the cooler And then you walk in by like reindeer and snowmen and all that

That's just, that's just, that's too fucking weird for me You know, I don't want to step over that shit Right? We just have like, we just have the Christmas tree lights And then we just put the bulbs on it And I put them on the tree and my wife stands back and she Well this year she did it that way, you know She always decorated in other years

This year we got the kids so she was just kind of Holding her and telling me there's too many blue ones there You need a little more red and then put some green over there And you know, so there was that I probably would have enjoyed that more if I was boozing I'm not going to lie to you But I didn't, I wasn't I've been drinking my eggnog straight this year

With a little shot of nutmeg And if I sound bored shitless, I am It's this time of night, it's 9.10 at night This is the time of night where usually, you know, I'm having a good time And I just don't anymore But I will tell you in the mornings, the best thing about being sober is the fucking morning You know, you wake up, you feel like a fucking million bucks And um, yeah, I don't know

Anyways, this is always a weird time of year I love the holidays and it's also depressing that another fucking year went by But then the second it's January 1st, I'm like, it's all ahead of me I'm going to make those changes, I'm going to become a better person Uh, if air, if air, why not by sea? Uh, dear Billy, frisbee frown I don't even know what that means I don't want to know what that means

I don't know, I don't need to know that my frown is weird too I already have enough physical fucking hangups Frisbee frown Um, Bill, I'm a little behind in the podcast Since I watched my one year old girl full time Oh yeah, but daughter! He hit the lottery, they're the best And I have to censor what I play in my house now

Yeah, I understand that Um, he says a little while ago You were explaining that you choose not to go into the ocean Saying that it's an unnecessary risk And basically that we don't belong in there Compared to the other animals that do belong I don't disagree with you Okay, but I am just wondering by that logic

How you justify going after your pilot's license License or whatever it takes to fly your whirly birds And the like I was hoping you would compare this while you were talking about it But I don't think you ever did Obviously as humans we take a lot of crazy risks every day Like just getting in a car and going 70 miles per hour Yeah, I know, and doing that in the left hand lane

And all it takes is one fucking asshole on the other side You ever see that shit or where the fucking 18 wheeler jackknife And comes over on the other side You know, I got the kid in the car now so I try to stay in the right lane But everybody's doing 90 miles an hour out here in it I'll tell you, it's crazy Anyways, but I would think the pilot thing would fall under the same category As taking a swim on the beach

Thanks as always for the great podcast My wife always knows if I have you on my headphones by the stupid grin on my face Go fuck yourself Great question, sir Well, the reason why I got a pilot's license Was because I read up on the banking system And realized that it was a giant Ponzi scheme And I was afraid because of how dysfunctional the city that I live in is

You know, you can barely get out of it when everybody when it's all working Forget about if the shit ever hit the fan How would I get out of here? And the only way I could think was to learn how to fly a helicopter Get up and get out Now, I did the first part of the plan Now the major part of the plan is to actually have access to a helicopter close by You know, that's why I did it

But I will tell you, there is an element of danger to it But now that I have my kid, I don't solo that much Every once in a while, I do just to know that I can do it But for the most part, I'll fly with an instructor And I don't do anything crazy, I don't fly And wins beyond a certain amount of knots And I also will tell you though, it's way, way, way, way, way safer than getting in a car and going on the highway And I have experienced both and I can tell you, like, you know, there's nobody up there

I mean, there is, but you know what I mean? But there isn't And it's like, we're talking to each other We're in the same airspace And we're announcing our position and where we're at Okay, and if we don't see each other, then you take offensive moves I guess a defensive move You're proactive, like if the guys at the same altitude, you just tell them, well, okay, I'm going to ascend 200 feet or whatever the fuck you need to do

And then even if you don't see each other to the last second, you're literally like hundreds of feet above or below them and it's fine There's no radio contact on the highway and you are basically flying in formation with people who are on meds They're texting, they didn't get enough sleep, they suck at driving They don't, maybe they're really good at driving, so they're driving like a fucking lunatic, like everybody else is as good as they are Those people are probably even more dangerous than someone just sucks at driving and drives slow And there's a lot of times that I've, you know, finished flying Flying solo and landed and got in my car and within two miles of going down the street I watched somebody just fucking t-bone somebody else

Somebody go flying off a fucking scooter and land on my side of the fucking road and slide on their face Somebody just driving in the left lane and just for whatever reason just veers into the fucking, they were texting Weren't paying attention, literally slammed into the median between, you know, both sides of the highway Fortunately stayed on this side of the highway so they didn't, you know, go up and over and kill somebody And literally just went spinning 360, 360, 360, like five 360s across six lanes of traffic before slamming like a stock car accident Nobody near the guy just fucking did, I see that all of the time So I understand what you're saying and I have to be honest with you, like, it is an unnecessary risk

But I find it, I, most of what I say about the ocean is because I have such a tremendous fear of it And I just can't get over that all of this shit is, you know, I'm treading water with my head above it You know what I mean? And everything else is like, I don't know, would you ever go into a pit of poisonous snakes And then bury your head in the sand? Is there all just sort of fucking slither and pasture? Yeah, and just things can go down, there's things down there that can literally swallow you whole or bite you in half And they are, you know, what, a thousand times faster than you? Yeah, I mean, say what you want about flying, like, I, you know, the altitude I fly at, like, I can still breathe I don't need any assisted or pressurized cabin or anything like that, it's, you know, you pick your poison

But I'll tell you, like, there's a couple of things that I watch that just, you know, literally make my palms sweat One of them is cave diving, and if you ever want to just, you know, hear the most unbelievable story ever I forget that fighter's name, he's actually one of my favorite UFC fighters What is his name? Cowboy something The guy from, like, New Mexico, whatever, he's just like one of the baddest dudes ever He cave dives and he was on the Joe Rogan experience Just look up Joe Rogan experience cave diving and just listen to that fucking story And you're literally listening to the guy that went through it, so you know somehow he lives

But still, you're, like, I was literally sitting there, you know, when you do that thing where you put your hands, like, over your nose and your mouth Just sitting there and your index fingers are between your eyes, I was just sitting there, like, just covering my mouth Just listening to this fucking story The guy literally said that they have a rule down there that when someone gets in trouble in a cave dive, you just leave them because someone's going home Someone's going to make it home because it's so fucked up down there that if you try to help that person, then both of you are going to die That's kind of how it starts and then it goes from there So anyways, yeah, cave diving and then those people who do that free climbing up skyscrapers And every time you think they're up to, they make those fucking videos

And every time you think they went up, they're literally on the fucking radio tower And they just keep going up and up and up and up and up and it's just like, I just sit there, like, I don't know how the fuck anybody can do some shit like that So maybe that's why I said, most of what I say, I saw Jaws at a certain age and I just never got over it I just never got over it, I'm like, I'm all fucking set on that It's so crazy to me, like, you know, that would you ever go into whatever's left of the jungle in Africa with these just wild fucking hyenas and tigers and lions and fucking hyenas And God knows fucking what out there, would you ever go out there without a goddamn weapon? Okay, and then you go into the fucking ocean, no guns work down there As far as I know, the best you can have is that stupid little fucking bow and arrow contraption

Alright, now you gotta look up underwater gun, is there an underwater gun you can possibly fucking have? Sort of fucking list is this going to put me on Underwater firearm, god damn it, I'll tell you something, human beings don't ever want to be where they can't fucking kill something Are you fucking kidding me, look at this thing Slow motion underwater guns, shark ammo, oh god Jesus Christ, that's all you needed is some fucking people from Texas going there I swear to God, man, one fucking shark looks at me, one motherfucker looks at me, I'm gonna fucking blow its goddamn fucking fish brain out God made us in his image, and he asked us to go forth and multiply and blast a fucking hammer head right in his fucking head

I have to see this now, slow motion underwater guns, shark ammo Alright, you can skip this ad in three, two, one, bam, here we go Hey, I'm a fucking YouTube guy, I'm gonna fucking tell you about shark shit Alright, this guy's, alright, he's trying out some of the badass guns he could ever fucking have, he's shooting watermelon, good for him, not shooting any people Here's the breakdown Alright, just get to the, alright, something happened, I fucking, my recorder got full I was talking about shooting sharks in the fucking goddamn face, man, I'll fucking you on it I'll give you another fucking breathing hole, you fucking whale face motherfucker

They actually figured out how to do it, they got like a fucking AK-47 But even then, do you think you're gonna be able to whip that thing out fast enough? Ah, Jesus Christ, you know what I mean, what are we doing? The fuck are we doing? We're underwater shooting fucking guns at sharks I don't know I mean, see sir, you know, I gotta tell you something, it's fucking nuts as flying as, when you go flying, you don't have to go up there with a fucking gun Because something's gonna eat you out of the goddamn sky There's no fucking bird of prey that's gonna grab onto your, whatever the fuck you're flying

Anyways, but thank you for listening to the podcast, but you know, you are right though, I am a bit of a hypocrite But like I said, most of it is just me being afraid of the ocean Gift list pressure, Bill, my wife gets mad that I don't tell her what I want for Christmas or birthdays Yeah, well it's a pain in the ass, because then she has to guess Anyways, obviously now the issue is Christmas I told her I have everything I need and like you, I'm trying to thin out all my junk It actually stresses me out because I'm being led to feel bad for not wanting to, to gifted something, to be gifted something Just ask her for an experience, just ask her you want to go to a car show or something like that, something we can do together

Just do that so she has something, alright We both make a lot of money and buy whatever we want, she doesn't need anything either, but gave me a cute idea of something small I guess she's not a total bitch, and just Jesus, she's not even remotely a bitch Because it's completely, I would throw this out of fucking bitch court if you even ever, why did you waste my time with this? I guess she's not a total bitch, and just wants to make me happy But in a roundabout way it ruins the fun of it sometimes How do you deal with this? Yeah, I usually just ask for an experience, there's usually some place I want to go to, like I'm a big fan of hamburger stand, like greasy spoon type places

I don't like, I'm not a big fan of fancy fucking restaurants, I mean I like going there or whatever But like, I love going to like, you know, there's a couple places, a place on Bill's Burgers I wanted to go to, ironically enough Although I heard the guy doesn't work there anymore, but the burgers are still tasty I love a great taco truck, food trucks I like doing shit like that, I like going to car shows, you know I went to a Christmas party at this custom motorcycle shop The one that Keanu Reeves bought into, and it went down and just like, I mean, and that to me as an adult that was like Christmas I went down there and they were talking about how they make the parts by hand and how like a 1200 pound slab of like aluminum will come in And from that, like ice sculptors, except they use it with aluminum, they make parts for these absolutely gorgeous motorcycles

Arch, ARCH motorcycles And I don't know, like I think because I became like a closet gear head out here Where I don't know how to do any of that shit, but I could literally watch somebody work on a car, describe how they, Eric the car guy, I'm a huge fan of his I, you know, I love that shit So whatever the hell you're into, she loves you, she wants to give you something, Jesus Christ It's like she's going to buy you a desk Anyways, you got a bottle of booze you like? I don't know Boxing, hey Billy Bank shot the third

I've recently been getting fitter thanks to training sessions at a boxing gym, good for you And wanted to test myself and try some low level legal, of course, amateur boxing Dude, there's no fucking reason to get your bell rung for no fucking money when you're not going to try to pursue it as a profession, man, be careful Now she goes, my girlfriend won't allow it, good for her She likens me trying it out to her, trying out stripping in front of a crowd and how against the idea And how against that idea I'd be, can't say she's wrong Do you reckon I should try a couple of fights just to see if I like it and not tell her? Or do I respect her wishes and leave it as a question that doesn't need to be answered

Sir, I would never tell you not to pursue your dreams, but I wouldn't do it sneaking around I would at the very least tell her that you're going to do one fight But what if you go and you get your fucking nose broken, then you got to show up and try to be like Luca My name is Luca, I live on a second floor, I walked into a fucking door, you don't have to do that I don't know, communication is always the way to go with the woman The moment is what I've learned and I've learned and I keep learning and you communicate with them And through the communication they'll end up telling you how it's going to go down Because it always goes down the way they want it to go down

And that's basically it And that's basically it, dude What they say goes if you want to stay with them And it's brutally not fucking fair, but you're a guy and nobody gives a shit So what I would do if you're going to go ahead and do it in any ways I would just tell her that you're going to do it It's something that you need to do, something you need to prove to yourself, whatever the fuck it is Other than that, keep moving your head there buddy

Overrated, living in major cities, is there anything worse than a bunch of losers thinking that if they live where it's cool to live They're cool too Dude, you're preaching to the choir here, that's what I've done my entire adult life And I am not cool They completely deny the fact that living on top of one another is frustrating and unnatural New York smells like shit, LA is overcrowded New York doesn't smell like shit, areas of it does Manhattan is like a giant bed bath and beyond now

LA is definitely overcrowded Absolutely, but I gotta be honest with you though So where are you suggesting to live? Because if you get too rural, then that just gets too fucking boring Your food options, a lot of options, you know, you want to go see a band and they're not going to come anywhere near you Now you got to jump in a car for four fucking hours I definitely envy people who live in wide open spaces and shit like that I think it's really cool

And I got a lot of respect for people that live out there like that But just living where I've lived I don't know how long I could do it, I'd go a little fucking stir crazy Although there's a lot of people here in LA that, you know, have that second home and fucking Wyoming or whatever But my wife wouldn't ever go for that And she makes the decisions Underrated Living in mid-sized cities, oh here's his answer

There's nothing better than a city that's not really a city You know, I'd go with that and I have my favorite ones And these are all cities, I wouldn't say they're not cities, but like, I'm a big fan of Milwaukee Chattanooga What else comes to mind? Those are two of my favorites Is that it? I think so, I mean, I enjoyed when I was up in Idaho and in Montana

It just seems like nobody really fucks with you up there, but then they have like a massive meth problem So there's always something, there's always something, you know what I mean? I just wish with all the fucking global warming like that, I just wish that those people could still enjoy the climates that they moved there for Because, you know, just growing up on the East Coast and everything, I think it's, you know, I missed the four seasons and shit And I also think it's really cool to kind of live out in places like that You know, having said that, you know, the experiences that I've gotten living in LA, this is one of my favorite cities In New York as much as I make fun of both of these cities What else, you know, I, you know, living in a sports town, I'll tell you what's underrated too, after you move away is going back and living in your fucking home state again

You know, when you don't have to get by all the fucking sports packages just to watch a regular season game of your team That's pretty fucking overrated too Alright, that's the podcast for this week Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah's going on right now, happy Hanukkah to everybody And go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday