Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-11-17

Episode Date: December 12, 2017

Bill sits down with comic and friend Harris Stanton and responds to listener emails.

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Go burn! It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, December 11th, 2017 What's going on? How are ya? It's the Christmas season everybody Merry Christmas to everybody I know you're not supposed to say that anymore I don't know why Somebody said Happy Hanukkah to me, I wouldn't be like, you know, go fuck yourself I'm Christian

I'm not even Christian, I don't even go to church, I just like saying Merry Christmas It puts a little song in my heart But in this gift giving time of the year The gift that we have today is a very special guest Came in all the way from New York Be wonderfully talented with a brand new special called Naive Innocence That you can get on iTunes, Google Play, Amazon, U-Porn Right?

U-Porn, no Okay, please welcome Harris Stanton everybody to the program Hey, what's up? Yeah, there should have been applause there, but we don't have the sound effects I have porn in my album Do you know I'm trying to go to the month of December? No porn, no booze Why?

No, nothing, because I think it fucks you up It does, it does If I didn't get up so late and had to be here at one, I would have jerked off before I came here But I realized I didn't have enough time to get into it the way I wanted to Jesus, what are you fucking, become a character or something? No, I watched that Flair documentary he was talking about And the guy asked him how many times a day do he jerk off, he goes twice I was like, that's about what I do

Rick Flair said that? Yeah, you saw the documentary I don't remember that part Yeah, he went to a sports psychologist and the guy was like, so how many times a day do you jerk off, he goes twice How much do you drink? He goes, I have ten beers and five abacus That part I remember Yeah, he said that before, he said the jerking off stuff before that

He goes, every day He said, how long have you been doing that? Oh, it's 1982, I started in 72, about 20 years He said, that's impossible, he's been a week with me Yeah, I like when they said, they were like, your first wife, how long you faithful to her? And he was like, ah, about a day And they go, really, he goes, I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it, I came home and he goes, I was bored To see a guy, to actually just say how fucking bored he is being married

Any time you have a thought of just any sort of resentment of your situation that you fucking created You didn't have to say, I do, you didn't have to do all that, but you created it, you have that feeling of like, fuck I want to do this, you have that guilt, I loved his complete lack of guilt Or honesty, I should say Honesty, yeah Why do you tell the girls, why do you say scream out your hotel? I don't know, why don't you wear your ring? I don't know, no one ever comes to the hotel, they all come to the hotel

I like that one when he was in the middle of nowhere and there was no party when he went back to the hotel He created one They just created one, bought like 100 kamikazis and then he's dancing on the bar, it's just like Woo Yeah, dude, you just blew out my fucking ears Oh, sorry Jesus, let me turn this down here Speaking of what

It's a great player impression Yeah, man, you gotta go wait for the mic Woo There you go Speaking of honesty, tell me about your special I also like how you're doing it, like you basically went where all the specials end up anyways And so you just bypassed all the networks, it's just like someone's gonna steal this and rip it anyways or whatever the kids say What, so you just shot it yourself?

No, it's, Bill, for the fifth time it's an album What is it, oh it's an album, oh it's a CD Yeah, well it's not a CD, it's just digital I guess And I have drop cards that I sell after my shows and stuff Oh alright Yeah Sorry man I don't do a lot of interviews and I'm not a good listener

So here we go Bill, for the last time I'm here about a benefit When's your special come out? I just assumed it's a comedian, it's gotta be a special Yeah, I filmed it at Gotham Comedy Club Memorial Day weekend Well, how do you film an album? Well, you're right, I recorded it at Gotham Comedy Club

Memorial Day weekend And it's on all the little media platforms Alright A 45 minute album I have to ask you the white guy question here, you're wearing a Philly's hat Alright, now I've learned this with black people, that doesn't mean you're a fan Do you have on maroon sneakers or do you really like the Philly's? I just like the hat

Oh you just like the hat Yeah, I'm a Toronto Blue Jays fan, you might see me wearing a few different Toronto Blue Jays hats And you have a baseball background, correct? Yes I was drafted by the Chicago Cubs That's right, you were right fielder I believe? In the 56 round, which they don't have that round anymore You were drafted in the 56 round and the scouting report on you is you could go deep but you couldn't hit a curveball

Yes, so What did you do to try to work on other than just guessing? What did you do when you stepped up to play to try to get, because there's no fucking way I could ever hit a curveball I was always hunting a fastball, which is probably not a great... Well that's what a lot of hitters do, you're supposed to adjust I think it was mental I throw out I wish I knew about sports psychology when I was playing, I would have went the one, because it was totally mental You had a mental, like Charles Barkley's golf swing, where you had to stop and then go go

Like John Lester who can't throw the first base, but he can throw a pinpoint fastball on the inside corner to a hitter But he can't throw it the first base to throw somebody out Yeah He will not throw it No pitchers can throw, they all just, they fucking throw like, I don't know what, like a goddamn gorilla on the mound And the second they got to throw it, they throw like a little girl Right Are y'all know if you remember Chuck Knoblock, he played for the...

He was a gold glove second baseman, all of a sudden he couldn't catch anything No, he couldn't throw He couldn't throw, what still? Yeah, he threw it, yeah, he threw it like hitting people in like the fifth row Yeah Steve Sax was the first guy, was that the guy? Yeah, the yips Yeah, and it's all mental, because you was doing it your whole life until now So did you ever hit the curveball?

Yeah, I've hit a few curveballs, bad ones, the ones that don't break that much Oh, okay But a good one, not too many people hit a good one anyway You're not gonna hit, if Clayton Kershaw puts a good one on the out, you're not touching it Who's the, anybody you ever go up against, made it in the big leagues? Yeah, Lando Hudson, he's the only star How'd you do against him? Well, he didn't, no, he didn't pitch, he was a player

Oh, okay Yeah, he was a player, no Jacob Shoemake, he got drafted first round by Atlanta Braves And he didn't make it, he got a $500,000 sign-up bonus So you did all that bullderm shit riding around on buses and all that? No, I didn't make it that far, I was released to spring training Wait, so when you get drafted by the Cubs, they saw you at high school? They saw me at high school and then they, they actually can, Scouts can actually help you get into schools

They call other schools and go, we like this guy Matter of fact, I got recruited by NC State from a scout They call schools and they, hey, get this guy, we're gonna look at him And then you go to school, they didn't have to do your first season They either pick you up or they, because I was a drafting follow So this is just non-stop pressure? Yes So every time, so then it's already bad enough if you're in your head, if you're in a slump

Yes Now it's just like, fuck, I'm not gonna get picked up next year, my dream is gonna die So all these other kids are walking around going to keg parties Yeah Going, mom, send more money and you're, and you're literally going, my dreams fucking dying Right, right, exactly Most people don't, most people who don't know baseball, it's just extremely competitive and hard to play That's why there's a minor leagues, there's no minor leagues for, but there's a little bit for football now

But there's no minor leagues for basketball and football, you just go right to the pros But baseball, you need constant work from rookie ball all the way to triple A Rookie ball is not even A-ball yet Is that cause it's, the game's that hard? It's really that hard, yeah You ever seen a 97-mile fastball coming at you? I like those people that go down to the batting cages and they just set it on 90 and they know what the pitch is And they keep going, dude, I was hitting it, I was catching up with this, he's like, oh, okay

Alright, now let's actually put a brain behind that fucking machine that has two other pitches Exactly And there's a million people watching Right, fastball is actually easy to hit, it's the other stuff, slider, curveball, you don't know what's coming Sometime if the pitch is good enough Can you please, what exactly is a slider? What does it do? It's a ball that slides to the left or slides to the right

That's it? Yeah That's not a curveball, curveball drops off the table No, curveball drops off the table, yeah That's a slider They call it 12-6 where it really drops from 12-6, that's a bat, Kershaw has a 12-6 Some people just have a little loop, but a slider is a, and a cutter is a fastball that at the last minute darts to the left Which goes into the handle part and you break your bat, like Mariano had the greatest cutter

And it would just like Why can't they just guess and just go, I know he's coming with the cutter and just guess Because he went and swung a little left It was that easy, I don't know man I met a guy one time who, he used to play for the Giants and he owned fucking Tim Wakefield Who was a knuckleball pitcher and he goes, this is a visual here But basically he'd go like, well basically his pitch did this and he would make all these crazy movements with this hand And then go, it either went here, or da-da-da-da-da-da-da, there

Yeah, knuckleball is crazy He would just guess, he would go alright, I'm going to just swing here on this one, or I'm going to swing there And I'm ignoring all of this bullshit between me and him and he actually was successful doing that I remember the Yankees one years were just looking at tape against Wakefield and they realized that most of his knuckleballs were balls So they go, well just don't fucking swing at it, and then he started getting behind in the count I think that's when he had to every once in a while throw his idea of a fastball But I always felt if I was going to get to the big leagues, that's the way to, if you could somehow develop a knuckleball Because then you're not going to blow out your arm, you can throw 26 pitches like crazy like Johnson

You could pitch to 60 In the early 1900s, yeah What do you think, I know we're not, I love sports, it gives a fuck, we know you're funny Let's just fucking talk sports here, what if, what if, how do you look at those early 1900s, you know, specials, not specials The fucking records that people And baseball? Yeah, like when somebody, you know, he pitched 93 innings in two days, that'll never be broken Right

The Home Depot league is what I call it Well, today's baseball is different because it's the training, it's the preparation Like those guys, they just, they just played, like now they coddle the players, the pitchers, like they only go six innings now really Yeah, they're like veal Yeah, like back in the day, they planned to go nine Right And now they go, you go six, and some five, I don't, that means your bullpen has to be very good You know, if you don't have a great bullpen, even, I've even heard talk of, which was, which is blasphemy, I hope they never do it

That just try to, okay, you go three innings, you go three innings, no, you let Clayton Kershaw go as long as he can go And then you bring in the bullpen, you don't let him go three, then let your other guy go three, I guess So do you coach any baseball when you're not doing stand up? No, no, I'm gonna put my son in the league, probably next summer That's good, you gonna keep him out of football? Yeah At least he didn't pick soccer, I know soccer is gradually taking over Yeah, yeah, yeah, soccer, no

You can't do, because you know what you're basically saying? I'm gonna Joe Jackson him in baseball You're saying, you're saying I want my son to be a flopper Yeah That's basically, I want, I think you have to, you gotta take like a drama class before you play soccer, or whatever the fuck they call it overseas Football, my favorite one ever is, you know, when people say, you know, why do you call it football, talking about American football Right, right Somebody, I think of a comedian said this, it was like, why do you call it football?

Why don't you call it football? Right Using both feet, right? You want to be a clever cunt? There's your clever joke right back at you Right, right I actually would rather watch women's soccer than men's soccer, just because they just play They don't do all that fucking flopping around, and it's embarrassing

Right I would literally, if that was my son, I would walk out of the stadium I would stand up all dramatic, like Glenn Close in the natural Right, right I'd have myself backlit, so he saw me up in the stands, and he'd be all excited that he drew a fucking yellow card and I would turn my back on him That'd be it, that'd be the modern day version of that story where the guy bricked up the room that the kid was in Oh yeah You heard that story?

No, no, but I watched the I.D. channel, so I mean, he locked his son, he bricked up his son His son was supposed to go to battle and he fucking chickened out, so the guys came there and they're like, yeah, you know, your son or you said, it was like the king or some shit So your son or you said was brave, fucking, you know, he chickened out And he's like, bullshit, no son of mine would do that And they go, yeah, he's right in that room, he goes, I refuse to believe that And to demonstrate it, I will now have this room sealed off and he started bricking the room up and he got all the way up to the last brick And then the pussy was on the other side and he went, father? No, this room's sick

And then, oh, this happened in Tahunga, on Orange County or something Oh wow He goes brick it up, that was it, they put the last brick in and that was it, the dude died No They found skeletons with powder bones Dude, it wasn't, now it's a fable Oh, it's not real Yeah, Jesus, how crazy do you think white people are?

How free do you think we are that we can brick our kids up in a family? You've done worse We actually have Anyways, Jesus Christ, let's get out of slavery What else do you want to talk about? Yes, yes, man, yeah I'm excited about that, I always liked San Georgia Yeah

I actually spoke to it before I came here What's your favorite Patrice O'Neill story that you had? You went on the road with him, you did the Hamster Dam and all that Man, we coming back from Charlie Goodnights Raleigh Durham Oh yeah And you guys, Firecrackers is illegal in Boston, right? Fireworks, yeah Fireworks, yeah

You have to go up to New Hampshire Yeah, so Patrice, you're in a hurry to get back in New York I go, uh, no, no, what's up? He goes, I never really used fireworks And I go, okay, well, we stopped by He spent like $300 on fireworks Did he? Yes, he just put them all in one bag and just rang it up

And he goes, oh, I want to set some of this off So I go, yeah, I'm from down here, it was in North Carolina I said, well, I'm from here So we can just find one of these little abandoned fields So we did, but it was hot and the grass was dry Oh, Jesus We started a forest fire Oh, no

We lit it up, we just came back from eating So Patrice had tea, he shouldn't have had tea And I had a big glass of water or tea And the fire started getting bigger But before it got bigger, we tried to put it stomping out So it was just two black dudes With your tea? No, we did that, we did the feet first

We both had new sneakers on Our sneakers were black and we were done We were just trying to stomp this fire out And then we went and grabbed the tea And we both poured our tea on the fire That did nothing And then I said, let's get out of here He goes, no, no, we got the...

The ambulance came, the fire truck came The owner of the land came In like 10 minutes Oh, Patrice, you said let's get out of here In your own state, you were like, fuck this place I live in New York now Yeah, let's get out of here So what happened?

They put it out and what'd they say? They put it out And that was really cool And Patrice was honest He goes, let me do all the talking, stupid And when they got there He's like, I'm from Boston I know Pop Firecrackers before

So we just started to be... Oh, it's okay, man, don't worry about it I just put some pesticide on his crops And everything is dry or whatever And they let us go Wow They take our statement and let us go There you go, look at that

We almost started the forest fire That shit was going... The field is here And the forest was like maybe 10 feet from the fire Why didn't you just light it off in a parking lot? There was no... It was in North Carolina There was no parking lot

Yeah, there is, I lived there Well, not where we were at We were like off the highway, off the beaten path What the fuck are you doing in the rest area? Scare a couple of pedophiles out of the bathroom Yeah, we didn't do that We wouldn't Let's put it in this fucking pile of hay

Dude, it was hilarious Our feet were... Both our shoes were black I'm trying to stomp, fire We poured our tea on it Where are you working these days? Everywhere In the city

I'm actually pretty busy In January, I'm going to Denver, Colorado With Dean Edwards and... Dean Edwards, man I haven't run into him in a minute Yeah, yeah What are you guys playing about there? The improv

I was like a funny ball The Denver Comedy works? No, no, it's the improv I think Oh, the improv, okay And then after that I am in... Where am I?

I'm in Myrtle Beach Where I started at Comedy Cabana How close is that to the Forest Fire? Myrtle Beach What Forest Fire? Is Forest Fire in South Carolina? No, no, the one that you fucking started

Two minutes ago Oh Trying to do a callback here Trying to fucking help you out here That was in North Carolina Oh, North Carolina Where's Myrtle Beach? South Carolina? South Carolina, yeah

That's all the fucking same down there That's all the goddamn same You know what I hate? You know what I don't like in the south? The chain waffle house Oh, yeah I used to work in one You know what I like?

The signage The what? The sign Oh The font is so not exciting And then it's like piss yellow Yeah With like the most basic thing

And you get in there and it's just I don't know There's always like Either a fight's about to happen Or just happened It's just really like I worked there three years When I was in high school

People go there They seem like they're hiding out Like, you know, I can't go home Because of such and such situation Yeah, it's a I didn't enjoy working How long did you work there for? Three years off and on

When I was in college How many fights did you see? I didn't see any fights But someone after I worked third shift sometime And the club When the club let out These drunk people would come in

And one person went in the bathroom And shit everywhere All on the walls So the waitress comes out She goes, I'm cooking food She goes, Harris I need you to clean the bathroom I go, what's going on?

Somebody made an accident I went in there And it was just It was an on purpose I don't know It looked like a crime scene With shit And I said, no

I'm not cleaning I don't get paid to clean Shit off walls They don't make a mop for that No, they don't Yeah, cause Call a fucking hazmat group Exactly, exactly

I refuse And one of them did it And one lady came in And she wanted a cheeseburger And I said, the cheese is 50 cent extra She goes, 50 cent Can't you just put it on there?

I go, no lady I can't just do it You have to pay for it And she didn't get the cheese The next day The next night she came in She had her own cheese in the plastic And she said, put that on my burger

I'm like, use it in a nightclub This cheese is in your glove compartment For two hours You left your house You got your purse Your perfume And your high heels And your cheese

So when you get to the waffle house The cook can put it on your burger Cause you don't want to pay 50 cent Wow Hilarious That is a level of fucking Cheapness Cause that is cheapness

If you're going out to a club And you're going to pay a cover And you're going to do some shit Like that I fucking hate cheap people Yeah I'm also dumb with money Yes

I don't have any sympathy for that My white guilt only goes so far Right You know what I mean I'll white guilt all fucking day long Until I watch you Get a deal And buy a bunch of dumb shit

Right Then I'm just like, alright Forget it Right You know All kinds of shiny shit Remember that Remember the age of the deals

Yeah In Montreal Comedy Festival And everyone would go up there And be like, oh my dad was crazy And my brother was crazy And everybody's like, that's a show Right And then you'd go out

And you'd get a six-figured deal Remember all those fucking idiots That went out And they'd buy flat screen TVs Thailand? Did they? Thailand got a bunch of money Toddlin, Rest in Peace

Literally did And I refused to believe it Until Dean Edwards Fucking confirmed it Did the coming to America thing Where he fixed up a place He was renting He even redid the fucking floors

He Showed his landlord She raised the rent And he had to leave after a while Yeah Yeah He bought a bunch He bought two cars

He He bought that gold Lexus He had the Jesus piece It was an infinity Infinity Infinity And he had He had a waist-length mink

With a hoodie on it Zip up And he would be on stage Talking about white people Right He must have been He must have been Just like

This guy You could be as white as Fucking ever You're never going to keep money If you do that Right He must have spent 20 grand on whores It was hilarious

I feel bad going We can't go that far He's not alive to defend himself But if he was He was sad He was sad He was very supportive Yeah

Do you think in the afterlife Both his arms worked I thought we weren't doing anything Jesus Jesus Oh my God You know what's funny Ty would have that arm

And people were still afraid of him Like what the fuck are you afraid of Because he had the He had the mean mug Yeah Face I used to always tease him About his Roman nose

Yeah He had like a Julius Caesar Fucking nose Yeah He was I don't know He kind of looked like A male Missy Elliott

You know what she needs to lose weight Right That size Missy Whatever happened to her I think she took her money left I think Napster Right Which blew up comedy

I'm convinced of that I'm smart with my money After the accident I was I only did I only bought two things Can I get any credit here For going this far

And not making you fucking Relive that again That's fine We could talk about it Okay Yeah Harris was one of the people Unfortunately

Who was on the bus With Tracy Morgan That Walmart truck Correct Not the bus I'm sorry It was one of those Those Mercedes like

Mercedes van things Van limo party bus Without the pole Rest in peace Uncle Jimmy Uncle Jimmy Mack Yeah Oh man

I remember Bombing with him At fucking La Barbat one night Oh And I remember He was I bombed La Barbat too Oh everybody

That fucking room That was towns room I never figured that room out Never That room was like This really cool bar And it had an upstairs The after work crowd

Mm-hmm You know They never called any white people I remember that It was the Specifically all black crowd After work crowd And every time I went there

That was really hard I think I must have killed first Because I went back Right So I killed the first time Then I bombed Then I killed And I bombed

Every other fucking time It was unbelievable I think I only did it twice And I bombed both times Oh That's back when I was new Anyway I probably still bombed

I bombed so bad You never bombed so bad I was bombing Off at your bomb Like that's like It was like the after shock Of what the fuck I did So Uncle Jimmy went up there

Was bombing And he was bombing so bad And it was so fucking quiet He was just like Ah man fuck y'all He goes in This woman was giving him shit And he said something about

Like whatever You know Something about his career I still got my fucking career And she was like And word what career And everybody was the biggest laugh Everyone laughed at him

He was trying to talk about Being on BET Dude you remember What's His Face Gerald Kelly Gerald Kelly Yeah Green Eye Bandit

I did one of his rooms Out in Jersey It was one of these places It was a dance club And like the next week It was closed because someone Shot off some guns or some shit And I fucking went in there

And it was me and Roz G And I forget who else And he was supposed He was supposed to host it It was his room And he was like Fucking two hours late And he came on stage

Oh yeah And he just was like He's like Yo what up You know Just got back from Atlanta And he goes And he goes

Doing comic view He goes Made six G's He tried to say Made six grand Doing comic view Now people not in the business Comic view

You got paid like Six hundred bucks I got thousand dollars one time Did you I think that was After everybody I remember it was in the hundreds It was like

Seven hundred bucks All inclusive Like you lost money You lost money Yeah You had to pay for your hotel The crowd That had waited for him

Like fucking Axl Rose back in the day He was late Because he was doing a TV show And he made six grand That's hilarious So that's how we started And he was like

What the fuck I remember Roz went up And she had such a tough set That she ended her set And she goes Damn She goes I don't know who's coming up

Next But he better be funny Because you motherfuckers They're laughing at shit And walked off And then they brought me up And of course the second I talked

Everybody did the white guy voice Yeah Yeah I ate it Jimmy I tell you a funny story With Jimmy Because Jimmy had

I guess he was away for comedy For a little while So Tracy brought him on the road Was on tour with us But before I got on the tour Mark Theobald said That Jimmy would go up And open

And be bombing So Tracy said Jimmy go up And warm the crowd up And Jimmy would go up And Jimmy started bombing And then already comes back

And goes Jimmy's bombing You want me to get him off? Tracy's like No, no Let him simmer for a little bit Already Already goes back up

Yo Jimmy Stretch And Jimmy turns around Goes Okay They want me to stay out here And he just bomb For five more minutes

Like Tracy You're an asshole Just letting him sit in his bomb For five more minutes Let him out Off the hook man And before So the next night

He goes Jimmy You're up You're all fiction Let him simmer a little Let him simmer a little bit And then So the next night

Tracy goes Jimmy you're on again tonight And Jimmy literally went in the corner And started rehearsing his lines Like new comics do Oh god I ran I ran

I ran And he went out Bombed again Oh What an asshole Tracy I know We had a bunch of those There was a guy

I remember when I was in Boston This guy Dick Doherty He still has rooms He had all of these fucking rooms He was like the godfather Of the outside The satellite rooms

Right He had the main clubs In Boston And then he had all of these Places in like fucking Drake it And all these places In Massachusetts

And Which are all great towns But you know Not the best place Sometimes to do comedy So He finally did He finally got one in Boston

I guess he always had the He had the comedy involved for a while But he opened this other one In Kenmore Square Right in the college area And they called it Comedy Comedy Campus

So this This journeyman guy Finally you know That gives him the room Like you're booking this room You're hosting And he's fucking psycho Man I'm finally fucking

Making something in this business And He fucking the first night of it I'm on it with Greg Fitzsimmons And the dude goes up And it's this really small crowd 10, 15 people And dude

When I tell you He didn't get a fucking laugh He got nothing Brings up the first act The first act Immediately starts killing Crowd fucking live Ends up

Everything's going great Dude finishes his set Thanks a lot Back to you host So and so Host comes back up Immediately bombing again The host

Bomb Yeah That's always funny When the host is bombing also Bombs again Brings up The woman that Greg was dating At the time

Fucking She kills Back to him Bombing So finally brings up One more person And that person's killing Right

So fucking Fitzsimmons Looks at him And he just goes Hey buddy He goes dude You know What's up We've got plenty of show here

We've got plenty of show And like piss this guy off So he got on stage And he fucking immediately Just starts bombing again So finally Dead silence He just looks at the crowd

He's like you know What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck What the fucking jokes Do you fucking people want Exactly And this guy in the crowd goes

How about some funny jokes And he goes He goes funny How Like things going in And out of Uranus Oh that's Did that kill

It killed with me and Greg That's hilarious I said it was such fucking bile In his voice You actually picture this guy's asshole Puckering up That should've killed him Me and Greg were

It was the funniest joke of the night Yeah that's hilarious We were crying laughing And the crowd was just like Whoa what the fuck Oh wow You remember Kevin Hart's Sweet Cheeks in Atlantic City

I never did that one But I remember they threw Chicken at Big J Oh it was awful Oh it was awful They love Kevin It sounded like a gay bar It

No it was a Sweet Cheeks It sounds like a gay bar Called Fiddlesticks I did one It was called Queen of Hearts

Oh man No it wasn't a gay bar It's actually the opposite Gangsters hung out there It was fights all the time And they loved little Kevin But when everybody else Will come back on

They would just They threw Like the little Plastic that you put The menu in on the table They threw that at Jameek They just They were awful

But they loved Kevin I was like Well that guy Is funny too I didn't do rooms like that After a while If enough people came back It didn't last long

If enough people came back With stories Yeah Cap was trying to get me To do that room And I remember I was far enough In my career That you didn't have to do it

I don't need to drive to Philly To bomb I can do that I'll do Drew Frazier's room Manhattan Proper Yeah I'll take the E to the end I just finally closed

I love that room I remember one time Doing that I remember doing that one time And I remember one entourage Chasing another entourage Out of the club And then the next week

There was like a metal detector Yeah But yeah That's two fucking gangsters Used to hang out there Gangsters used to hang out there Like real live drug dealers Yeah

That was the vibe But then this really cool after work Yeah Thing was there Yeah Like Supreme He was on American Gangster They used to hang out there

There was not a guy there Named Supreme Yeah You probably didn't know When you were whiteness You had no idea They probably thought I was a cop Supreme

Do you know what people used to do When I got off the fucking E to Jamaica Queens and get up They would look at me like They would just be like People would try to help me Jamaica Queens

Don't like to get back on You want to go Yeah You want to go the other way You want to go the other way Yep Yep You didn't know you was

Performing in front of killers Did you? Ah No I knew that there was definitely Some shit going on That wasn't legal But I mean I thought it was

Kind of like Do you ever think about that? How many like People that killed somebody At this point How long you've been doing stand-up How many people in the crowd Who've killed somebody

That people just don't even know yet Or I used to think that on the subway Right well In Manhattan proper You definitely had some clientele And it killed somebody I had somebody killed

Some future stars For the first 48 Yes Let me do some advertising How far into this am I? Half hour Okay cool Still can fill a half

Huh? I gotta type in my goddamn password What's your name? Your special again So people know to look for it My name is my special CD Uh Sorry

Goddamn Naive innocence And that's the thing Cause I moved from South Carolina And I was naive and innocent Then I got up here And I got around you guys And I became

Fucking terrible You're gonna blame us Like that demon wasn't in you? You're right Yeah It was in there but you guys I haven't even talked about Half the fucking shit

That I heard you did Lubricated it out You guys lubricated it out No You were, you were You were on your own You were, I remember you Tracy didn't help me though

Over fucking night Overnight You just went from Like hey how's it going everybody To Harris did what? Harris did what? Yeah that's pretty wild Yeah

And I'm just leaving this open You wanna tell your fucking stories You tell them but other than that I keep my mouth shut No you don't There you go Yeah Goes into falsetto

Hey man we got a little sideways there Alright let me do In the Berging In the Keuken Even in the Living They're really everywhere The empty batteries But now we're going to the finish

Bring them to a B-Bad collection point You'll always find one in your neighborhood On B-Bad.be B-Bad Together with the colors Better for nature And for all of us Campaign together with the O-Vam

Well let me do a little read here Real quickly Oh look who's back For the holiday season There's Cherries, Berries Christmas is a week away Talk about last minute shopping Nightmares

Or do you want me to talk about it Going to the mall at midnight Oh fuck you Everybody knows this No it's actually not that bad this year Cause everybody's shopping online Yeah Like you're just there with

Fucking people as old as me Alright How shopping with Cherries Berries Has been a lifesaver Oh yeah Dude I'm so sick of these people Who are clearly stocking stuffers Acting like you're buying somebody

A fucking Lexus Like this Oh I don't want to go to the stores I'll just get some of you Some chocolate covered strawberries And I'm going to get those for my wife I'll just get those only And see how my fucking holidays go

See how my 2018 is Anyways no matter how No matter who you're shopping for This holiday season Cherries Berries Has the perfect gift for everyone On your list This holiday

My listeners can get fresh and delicious Cherries Berries Dipped in white Milk And dark chocolate goodness Why did white come first Harris Starting White always comes first

That's right because it's pure Starting at 1999 The women The women yeah Plus shipping and handling Or check this out When you double the berries Double the berries for just $10 more

Your gift will include A free keepsake dessert platter However the white chocolate Is still the same price Kidding I just want to see your face Fucking wrinkle up That's two gifts in one

You know the white ones Come with a little clan hood on it If you get the Grand Dragon Fucking ones There's only one way to get this Amazing somebody in the south Is going to order Oh that'd be fucking perfect Mark

There's only one way You know that's a made up name Because it wasn't two names right Mark Mark Bobby There's only one Billy Joe Would love one of them

You know I keep the hood I keep the hood I put it on my gerbil There's only one way To get these amazing 1999 deal this holiday Visit berries.com Click on the microphone

In the upper right hand corner Enter my code BIR Check out Remember When you double the berries For just $10 more Your gift will include A free keepsake dinner A dessert platter

Christmas is a week away Order today That's berries.com Code BIR Which white hate group Supremis group Offends you the least Clan, Neo-Nazis

Or just the average douche on YouTube That was a good question Probably Clan You know they're out there And they're just kind of saying it I would think the YouTube Because it's all you know You might even run into that

You might even know that guy But they don't have the balls To put on a uniform To say what they're thinking Okay yeah that's better The Clan is just like It's funny to me now like I see it on some of these talk shows

Can I tell you something That's the only place they are The Clan is only I'm as white as it gets I've never been asked to join I don't know any fucking members I've been all through the south I've been in Connecticut evidently

They got a good following there In Connecticut Yeah they're not as prominent As they used to be I guess They kind of fell off It's like the mob They're all doing identity theft Now in a fucking whip

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You're superstitious right You hit your last curveball With that pair of underwear You're still going to wear it right Yeah Well listen to this Meundies okay They'll give

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Stamps.com Harris Do you go to the post office Ever I not recently know How do you get your mail out I don't mail shit anymore I don't even

Oh do you do it online Yeah Yeah You're comfortable with that Do you bank online Yeah Do you jerk off online And when you do

Do you cover the camera No I don't jerk off online You don't jerk off online But you have VHS I jerk off while I'm online Well that's what I mean You use online porn Yes

Yes The porn I watch You don't cover the camera There's not a camera There's a camera right here Yeah Yeah but now When I'm watching porn

There's no That's right there That's the camera See the tape I got over there But you know what I found out Now Now when you click on a porn All of a sudden like the whole

Screen will Like they just took a picture Of you Going like Like on the video No this is the thing I use my phone most of the time You use your phone

Well where are you Home Put my phone You got that good eye sight And you can't hit a fucking curve Ball That's fucking unbelievable Well the phone's not moving

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Enter Burr Okay Alright how far in are we 40, okay 10 minutes of bullshit there Sorry You have a tape That's the camera

Just so people don't watch you jerk off Is that really I just feel No, just like What if you're banging your wife And you just have your thing on Like these fucking nerds You know they're not getting any pussy

They just watch you They actually caught people Like they They buy a TV They watch you Watching TV The fuck Yeah

And for some reason That's not illegal And now all these fucking morons Who are They got that little thing There in the house Being like Alexis

What's the capital of South America Whatever I mean sorry Brazil South America More on Yeah you just bugged your own house I mean you already have

With all these devices And now you got this other thing Right That's like Alexa I don't have Alexa in my house No It's like inviting a vampire

Into your house You gotta put a thing A garlic around his fucking Fuck Alexa The fuck out my house bitch That's exactly what I said Okay here we go It was bad timing

We both took a sip Alright Here's some questions Alright Now I tried to get some ethnically Diverse ones So I can show you That I'm woke

How annoying is that To hear a white person say that by the way Are you married to a black woman though Huh Yeah but you know Once you're married that long There's just a woman You know it's the same fight

You ever have cultural fights Yeah it's not like You hold the fork like this And I hold it like that Wow there really is a difference It's the same shit Right Like can I finish up here

In the bathroom before you try to Steal the sink brush in your teeth It's the exact same shit Right It's only when you go out in public And everybody's like What the fuck are you doing together You fucking race trader

Yup Um When you're in the house When you're in the house Huh Well you can have mine You can have mine Whatever one I was supposed to be with

And I took yours There you go And then one day we'll go on a double date Like those two freaky fucking Was it the Yankees or the Indians You ever hear about them That they swapped wives No

There was two teammates They went on a double date By the end of the End of the date They fucking realized Hey man We're like sort of like You know they probably sat at a four top

Boy girl boy girl And I think they just sort of Uh The dudes stop talking to each other And the chicks stop talking to each other By the end of it Something They agreed to switch swap wives

In real like to go forever Like Yeah and I think one of them Made it and the other ones didn't That's hilarious The other one didn't That'd be the funniest fight Ever

You know I should have stayed with the right fielder Well I know he's getting a better blow job Than I am Oh this would be brutal Um Alright Here we go

So I tried to have some ethnically diverse Okay so we're going to start This is a nice one That I feel like Anybody of any sort of background Transgendered anybody Uh This one's called favorite

Ozzy Osbourne guitarist So this is right in your wheelhouse This is a fastball I feel like you can jump on this one Why is this in my wheelhouse? It isn't I'm being an asshole I know you are

Breaking Bad Bill I'm watching a documentary on Ozzy That's four hours long And boozing while the girlfriend is out With her Her peers doing sex in the city shit Uh while Randy Rhodes always gets To me

Especially during Mr Crowley None of this means anything to you My favorite has always been Jake E. Lee I grew up on bark at the moon When I was a kid And still listen now And again to the last

Furious riffs of Jake In the last minute of the song I always felt he was underappreciated Could not agree more Zach Wilde is all good But it feels like he's using five pedals Instead of showing pure skill Well you should have seen

Zach Wilde when he played With the almond brothers That would have cured all of that shit for you Uh more style than substance I don't agree with that What do you think drummer boy PS was great to see you Montreal last summer

Uh when it was your birthday Um alright What do you think Harris Just by the names alone Who would you think is the best guitarist Would you go with Randy Rhodes Jake E. Lee Or uh Zach Wilde

Probably Zach Wilde Zach Wilde why Cause it's wild He goes crazy I know you're gonna jump on that Jake E. Lee what does that sound like to you Jake E. Lee sounds like Borderline Asian

Yeah borderline Asian Trying to fit into the culture Okay and Randy Rhodes Randy Rhodes uh is a racist And um He died in a plane crash by the way Oh yeah he'd go easier This is like making fun of Tupac

For a lot of white people Right right oh sorry I don't know any of these people Uh listeners I don't know any of these people I would never say that if I don't know Well he did play in an all white band So I mean your theory does work

He's a fucking racist No I'm just No I'm just Uh no No it's a brutal story He was on tour with Ozzy Ozzy left Black Sabbath Alright and that would be

I didn't know that That would be well whatever They had it falling out It'd be like one of the How do I relate to you here It'd be like something in the Wu Tang clan They leave and then they put out a solo album That's critical there

Right Wu Tang never really broke up right No not really just haven't made enough Okay well just say they broke up And then all of a sudden You know one of those guys That's not old dirty bastard A method man

Ghostface killer decides I'm gonna fucking put one out You know it's a very Precarious point in your career Like you don't get a second solo album If the first one bombs Especially if you came out in a supergroup So Black Sabbath thing was over

He was coming out on his fucking own And he ended up meeting Randy Rhodes And Randy Rhodes basically saved His fucking career So they go out on tour He's destroying He's like the new guy and everything And they were in Florida

And they pulled in and the bus driver Wherever they were gonna gas up the bus There was also a little plane there And this guy had a pilot's license And he fucking got in the plane With Randy Rhodes And he was fucking buzzing the bus Doing all of that shit

And in his last pass He clipped the bus And either flew into the house Or into the barn One or the other And then that was it That's crazy And that was it

And you just said he sounded like a racist I hope you're happy with yourself No man You know Maybe if you shouldn't be Googling All your fucking porn You could look up Randy Rhodes Before you soiled his name

Alright here we go Here's one that we can both Jump on here Girlfriend isn't very attractive And I want to cheat Alright I've been dating my girl for a year now And I love the shit out of her

But god damn If she isn't on the wrong side Of the ten point scale Oh my god What an asshole You don't love her No And why would you date her

If she's ugly If you think she's ugly Yeah Yeah Yeah you don't love this woman No Alright we got her It's not like there's anything wrong

With their face She's just not really my type Physically Personally Personally wise Does he eat food? Wait physically Personal

Personally We jive He says personally wise Personality wise Sorry we jive like crazy Jive This guy's gotta be like 50 Yeah

It's like dude what do you look like Does he eat food Or he doesn't like to Let's see She's really pretty When I'm laying On top or next to her But any other position

And I can't help but Disappointed in how overweight she is Jesus Christ This guy's a fucking monster Yeah he sure is On one hand The sensation of being with Thick girls

Really appeals to me On the other My male gaze does not agree Because of this I found my thoughts wandering to other women And started flirting with them For seemingly no reason I'm afraid I'm gonna cheat

But I really think All things considered That I could marry this girl This guy's all over the fucking map Yeah he is Breaking up with her for something so shallow Would absolutely kill me And it hurt the woman I love

Love's heart For no reason What should I do Go see a therapist Yeah he's like oddly Like brutally honest He's being brutally honest here But he's all over

Like it makes no sense I like purple but I don't like purple Like which is it Pick the pros and cons And you know You know what it is He made a very mature move Where he actually fell in love

With the person And now I think that That's getting old Yeah You know there's no more surprises Now he's just looking at her And I think that that's what's going on That's exactly what's going on

Alright now how can he For Christmas What gift can he give her That in a funny loving way Can be like You need to lose some weight Or I'm gonna cheat on you Cherries, berries

There is no way There is no way Like you know the end of an action movie Which wire do I clip Right And they fucking take a guess Yeah both of them blow up Yeah

Alright Harris I gotta put you on the spot How would you do it How would you tell the woman you love Personality wise You guys jive This guy says How the fuck would you tell her You're putting on too much weight

Well if you know someone that long Then you go bitch you fat You need to lose some weight So you rip the bandaid off Listen you're getting a little overweight I had a boy A friend of mine who dumped his girl He warned her

Before doing their Why they were dating He said if you get big I'm out of here She got big He was out of there She tested him She ate too much

She tested him right And he said that Yeah he said that to her And he left her crying I told you Exactly What did I say Exactly

Look in the mirror Look What did I say You're a hundred pounds bigger Than you was when I said that shit But he has the thing though I actually think There is like a complete lack of respect

For your partner If you let yourself go Absolutely There is Now here's the thing Unless You know You're sick or something

Or she She was pregnant She had a kid We don't talk about that Yeah fuck all of that Before having kids Or if you're not having kids Alright

If you're sitting A man or woman If you're just sitting there Just becoming a fucking lard ass Exactly What are they supposed to do Exactly You're putting a lot of pressure

Like patrice said Whatever you How will you look to get him You have to somewhat maintain that Otherwise he's going to venture We're animals Like we And what I loved about patrice

Is he could be that overweight In the crowd They would never even think to say like What about you Right He would just be like Bitch I've always been this size Yeah I don't know what should he do

Talk to her Like he's talking to you I would just say I would put it on me This is what I would do If you really loved her I'd put on 20 pounds myself And then just be like

Listen man I gotta get this weight off You get diabetes Just a Yeah if I loved her I would put on 20 pounds myself And just say Listen I gotta get this weight off But I can't do it on my own

I need you I've been weak lately I need you And she'll be there for you And you take her out on walks This is what you do You wouldn't do that I wouldn't do that

I'd dump her No I wouldn't You buy his and her Fucking matching Workout Fucking outfits Walk just Steer right into it

Just walk and be that couple That dresses the same Right I know that's when it's just like That's either like Whenever I see that That's like either They literally are soul mates

If you believe in that Or there's one person That needs to be rescued From that relationship Cause the other person Like who's that guy In the NBA What would Rick Flair do

What would Rick Flair do Yeah Oh jeez Well he wouldn't be around Long enough for her to get fat He'd do the When he came over from the road When she fucking put on all that weight

He'd do the flair flop Right in front of her And just turn around Or he'd do the Henry Hill He'd just do that laugh Remember that And he'd go walk turns right back around And he gets

He gets back in the God that fuck kind of people are there He gets back in the car With Joe Pesci I think that's what he would do This guy I think he was trying to be Sometimes people try to be funny

By being really blunt I actually think this guy Does really like this girl But like Yeah cause I think If they start getting that fat Before you had kids You just start thinking like

Oh my god Yeah I don't want to be with a No one wants to be with a No one wants to be a whale And no one wants to be with a whale Well some guys like big women Okay alright

But he doesn't obviously No he likes Well thick and Fucking obese My father had a best friend Who wanted his woman As fat as she could be Oh he did

Yeah he had a best friend And his wife was a fat motherfucker too What is that about I don't I think they like the You know like This is what's so weird You know

Maybe they want him to Just look adorable You know adorable Baby looks with all those Rolls of They'll have like a roll of fat In the mid forearm You're just looking at like

What is that What is that I think they want that They just want a big A big giant baby I think it's a lot of They like a lot of women But

I like a lot of women But far as Like not fat But like let's say Six Five eleven That's a lot of women too Yes

I understand what you say But it's not fat Not fat What's the biggest you will go Give me height and weight Let's break down your draft picks And then the first round Of the big girl draft

Harris Stanton picks Picks A hundred and eighty five Pound Six foot No How tall are you I'm six

Two and a half Six two and a half Yeah So she has to If you're going to weigh Two hundred pounds You have to be five eleven And better

Otherwise you're just A fat bitch You know That's considered insensitive But it's actually There's an endearing thing Where you're just being Brutally honest

I mean that's That's what your heart is saying Yes It's saying you're a fat bitch It's not being like Listen Um Right

Your heart's doing all the work Yeah I would I would go Whatever Cause I'm like I'm five nine three quarters I'm exactly Doug Flutey height

Not quite five ten Big women with curves Are Have a chance Like if you still You know the fat women That are really fat But you can still see the

Curve The curvy Like they look like a skinny woman But fat Like a It's not a giant Just sack of fucking Fat

I would say I would say One sixty five One sixty five Cause I'm about one seventy five I don't want to throw me Around the fucking room What height is that

Like five five Five six That's big That's not that big Depends on You know Depends on She's got a nice ass on her

Okay It's curvy It's curvy I don't like those tankles With the ankles running to the foot You know it's weird It's when they got fat feet And skinny toes

Oh yeah It's like It's like someone was at You know the carnival Right When you slam the hammer down Trying to win that prize And they hit them mid feet

Right You ever heard Cory Holcomb's joke You ever You ever fucking There's a fucking Underrated comedian Absolutely He's not underrated in my fucking head

But He ever You ever fucked a fat girl With regular people's legs He's like Goddamn I just fucked a hamburger That's usually an alcoholic body

There was a guy That I used to work with Who I found out recently died Which wasn't a surprise He was like the biggest Boozehound cokehead He was like six five Oh wow

It was funny man He was just big Just like Dude his legs were skinny as mine And he would push his jeans down And just up top was all Was just all booze and burgers And he did blow

And he had the little skinny But he had like his arms and legs Was like he never worked out in his life Was just skinny as shit And he just kept all of that stuff there And I think he died of a heart attack That's it right there Which is why going back to this guy

It's just like That's another thing you have to look at Gonna be like I'm gonna be a widower In my mid fifties This gotta be an exercise video Just to get rid of your fat feet Or at least to fatten up your toes right

You should get like I hate fat feet You should get like the ass injections In your toes Just to fucking even it out You know Alright here we go Ladies get deprived too

How we doing on time Oh good Killing it We're right on schedule here Alright ladies get deprived too Dear Bill I am a lady In my late twenties

And I need a male perspective On something that's too embarrassing To bring up with my friends Alright on a good day One might consider me quite easy On the eyes I exercise every day I have a natural look

I.e. not trashy Twenty layers of makeup kinda gal However I always make a case Of looking well Put together Even at home See she gets it However my husband's a fat fuck

Um anyways But for some reason In the last year of my five year marriage My husband denies me sex Even if I only want to service him He knows I like to do it Jesus Christ You know you want a blow job

Yeah this is bad Uh yeah this is bad This is when you gotta start taking out the police tape And getting out the blankets Dude to take a blow job from another dude I don't know about that Alright on any given evening He will be uh

It's not the mouth dude It's the stubble I think that that's what you couldn't get past I almost got me to do a spit take On any given evening He will be sitting on his desk working late And if I try to initiate things By touching him

And kissing his neck He will say sorry babe It's too late and I'm tired Same goes for when we are in bed It has gotten to the point Where I just You know what I got this paranoid thing He's cheating like a motherfucker on her

Either that Or he got replaced by a robot They haven't worked out the genitals yet Right right Sorry babe It's too late and I'm tired What's wrong with your voice Same goes for when we are in bed

It's gotten to the point Where I will try to approach him in lingerie Sit on his lap And even go as far as begging For just five minutes All without any success This is like This is one of these things

If it was a new story I would shut it off Because I don't want to see the fucking ending Here we go What baffles me Is that during normal day to day life He will frequently grab my ass Or tell me I'm hot

Wow I also do the same for him As I know men like to feel manly Around their lady This woman's like a dream I don't know what this guy's problem is The possibility of an affair I see the, I wonder

Okay the possibility She said she's You know she's easy on the eye She takes care of herself Okay Yeah I don't know I got a nice picture in my head

Anyways the possibility of an affair Is very unlikely Seeing as we both work On the same male dominated company That's not good And go home together Also he doesn't have a password In his phone

I think maybe he's gay Male dominated Something wrong with him Also he doesn't have a password In his phone Which is another huge indication Of nothing to hide We have a very nice interaction

I never nag him If anything he nags me And we do cool stuff Like play ball together Or watch some Netflix Maybe his dick don't work no more He don't want to tell you yet Yeah you're getting to sit down

And talk to him He's a very loving husband Except for the actual Physical loving part I've tried to ask But everything is fine Everything is fine as in quote As it appears

Bill can you please let me know What the hell's going on Aren't men supposed to be Always in the mood That's not true But generally speaking Yes I am going crazy And I'm starting to get aroused

From the most ridiculous thing Like men smiling at me Or opening the door for me Jesus thank you I really enjoy everything you're doing Contrary to what you think You are very balanced And insightful in your opinions

Look at this I gotta read that to my wife Happy fucking holidays And go fuck yourself One itching lady Itching to get fucked Listen I think you've been nice

For long enough Exactly You need to sit down And be like look Or leave him No no no You gotta have the conversation first Well first that's the first

Yeah What is going on Cause you know I'm about ready To get the fuck out To jump on a rolling pin Yeah exactly What the fuck are you doing

You need You guys need to have a talk You need to go on And I wouldn't I would go nice Cause just in case It is some physical thing Yeah you gotta go nice first

Yeah But maybe That can't continue Maybe he's addicted to online porn That might be it Maybe that has a problem man But that definitely can't continue What they're doing

They seem like they're around Each other the whole time I don't know what's going on You have a lot of weird stuff Yeah Alright need advice Quitting drinking So I guess our advice is

I would sit down And talk to him Absolutely You're not being a nag At all If anything You've been too nice And

I would just go easy Just in case It's something fucking What's the problem Yeah Like he got molested As a kid and it finally came out No he doesn't like

Did he ever used to go at it Like bunny rabbits I don't know That's a good question Did y'all ever used to have Like a real healthy sexual relationship And just fell off a cliff Or was it gradual or

Yeah I think once you have a kid though That just happened Like the appeal of going to sleep Is just fucking unbelievable It's unbelievable And it's something if you do it together Like that's just sex You know like

Oh god We're gonna get eight hours This is fucking awesome Alright need advice Quitting drinking I know you're At 100 something odd days now Of no drinking

116 days of not drinking I'm at a whopping day three And this is my third attempt In the last two months To take some serious time off Most of my attempt Only lasts three or four days Max

Because every Friday rolls around And I can't help but buy Some booze I want to quit Because my problem is serious enough That I experience minor withdrawals Like minor shakes Oh Jesus

Oh wow If I haven't had a drink In like 12 to 16 hours Meaning I'm physically dependent Yeah dude This is a great reason to stop It's not serious to the point Where people notice

I'm able to keep it under control But drinking every day Needs to stop Yeah you're what's known as The intelligent or alcoholic So you can fucking What I call you You're a smart guy

And your booze And so you can play shit off And nobody notices Where there's just a fucking moron Everyone's gonna notice Exactly My question for you is How did you go about

Filling up the boredom That comes with being sober Oh what a great friend Of being sober Oh what a great fucking question I feel like I'm drinking When I'm drinking anything is fun Sitting on the couch for hours

It's so true On end watching YouTube videos But when I'm sober I've got like 20 minutes tops Before I'm bored With whatever I'm doing Also what was your problem Was your problem ever bad enough

That you felt withdrawals I know how to taper pretty well At this point But I have failed so many times If you know of any tapering tips So basically how to wean your way off I guess I'd love to hear them

P.S. I've always missed The old overrated underrated segment You used to do circa 2009-ish On the podcast You should bring that back Or actually bring in it back Alright this week we'll bring it back We'll keep doing it

If you guys want to send in An overrated underrated I find when I stop Like when I stop It's tough for like the first Like six to ten days And what it is I'm more habit addicted

Like I just like If I'm eating well Like I'm addicted to go I want to get a salad If I'm eating like shit Like if I eat McDonald's The next day I'm craving McDonald's If I'm drinking

Then I want to drink So it's basically I tried to be conscious of Those thoughts in my head And just be like Try to get to the next morning Going tomorrow morning What's going to make me happier

That I had a drink right now Or that I didn't And it was always that I didn't So I would choose that That's a good way I used to do that At the Boston Comedy Club I never really noticed you had a

I never really seen you drunk ever Back in the day Yeah in the last like 15 years I gradually just drank More and more and more and more And then I just I'm not an alcoholic But at the amount that I drink

I absolutely am But I'm one of those guys I can shut it off And like this guy Just sit there and be Even after like shows Like I can do it If I'm not performing

I cannot have a drink But if I'm performing I need one or two But I'm not an alcoholic But I have other problems My thing is like If I'm doing something I'm doing it

So the first thing I do When I sit down at a bar Is I always order a double Because I'm assuming That their pour is going to be When you go to the bar Destination leaving your house Is the bar

Or is it after shows Well by the summer It was becoming like Going to the liquor store Buying a bottle and always Like I was on the road Doing an acting gig And I made sure I had a ball

And I just And I knew I was shutting it down So I was just like This is where it is Bill This is bad Yeah it got way Way way worse Than it ever was

As far as like What am I doing I remember coming home From the set one night And being excited That the bar was still open And before I went in Just don't run with that

To where I was staying But I was by myself Right oh okay And I ordered a double Sucked it down And said give me another double Because I was sort of Addicted to that

That crazy buzz And then going to sleep I think I like it too but it's And then the whole time Wanting to stop Or wanting to not do it as much And that was the only time

It was the first time ever My wife brought it up Going you know You're really drinking a lot And then you're going to snore And blah blah blah And then one night I came down To bed

Would a wife be the only one I could see I know I'm so embarrassed by this I came downstairs And I actually was Hiding the glass of booze On the other side of my legs When I was coming down the stairs

And I was just like Whoa I'm that guy Now how soon before the bottle Is in the back of the toilet But I'm kind of too much of a Control freak to make it happen

Like that So but I find like Once I go ten days The way I'm wired I could go It gets easier In theory I could go forever Okay

Cause now it's just something I don't do I'm just like Whatever it is That had It's fucking claws in me It only takes ten days For how

I'm chemically made up To just be like Yeah like right now I'm 116 days in I could easily go a year I could go two years I could like Never drink again

For the rest of my life And you don't think about it Anymore like after shows or No there's certain things That like Makes me just Wish I was still drinking Like what did I see

The other day That was just like Man I would love to do that Like I saw some cool looking bar And it was just like Man I would love to go there At two in the afternoon

And just get fucking Drinking till six Get fucking hammered But then The way it plays out Is You would never flare though I'd know

I would jump in the Uber And I would come home Drunk to my daughter And it's like Can't have that on the resume No no no So That's over

So my life also kind of I'm not telling this guy Needs to have a kid So I would just say What you need to do Is you gotta push through That boredom And

There's so much fun shit That you can actually Hold that time up with That the stuff that you wanted To get good at Like I've always been into music Like playing drums

And playing guitar If you do that instead Or working out Like if at night Yeah If at night You go out for a jog instead And then this is nothing

This is nothing too About not drinking It's the fucking Pounds just fall off you As long as you don't substitute it With then like I'm gonna eat ice cream So I can get like a sugar rush

If you actually eat well And you don't booze It falls off you It's got no way to hide So I don't know man But it sounds like You know that the shakes and stuff

You're on another level Than I was So if I was you I might even go to a meeting That's what a lot of intervention TV show Would you get the shakes? Yeah a little bit I would go to a meeting

Just check out a meeting Just go down there Check it out Sit in the back Have a fucking donut Whatever the hell they do there And just listen to these People's insane stories

It'll actually make you Feel better about yourself Feel better about yourself Exactly All right Okay here we go Overrated underrated Bringing this back

This is something this This guy said So we actually We're gonna do one this week This is something I used to do Way back in the day 2009 I used to do Overrated underrated

It was the thing of the week Whatever you thought was Overrated Whatever was underrated All right Overrated Texas hold them Underrated

Five card stud Now here's the deal I don't know shit about cards I don't know You gotta give me the explanation All right that was a bad That was a soft open Yeah

I don't know anything about cards I know play cards All right What do you think's Overrated right now? Uh This This topic?

No No No What do I think's Overrated right now? Oh Hip hop Really?

Yeah Like The Not having any words In your song And it being Quote unquote A classic or

A hot song for this time And it But ten years down the road This guy said nothing It was just Beat Beat in Sounds

Oh it's just beat Like mumble rap Like they don't They don't say anything Oh everybody Yeah everybody sounds like They're kind of like half in the bag Yeah

And there's no originality anymore But people Are still celebrating Something that's less original Than it used to be Do you know how old you sound Right now The people in your generation

Gangsta rap in there But originality Is not old That's true That's universal And they don't Have any When did they lose you

That's so unoriginal That their names Not even different How many little Rappers do we have Little this Little that You can't even name yourself

An original name Alright When did they When did the hip hop Lose you Mmm Uh Probably the mid

2000 No late 2000 Late 2000 Like maybe 2011 12 And up But not all hip hop

Like you got Artists like Eminem And Nas who's still Doing what they're supposed to do God You're doing like That's like Migo Zeppelin and AC DC

Yeah You're going back like 20 years But those guys are still rapping Those guys are still relevant And they're still relevant And it's the words Like you can't have a song It's instrumental

What about the Who's gonna get all the awards Migos Is it the Migos I don't even know them Because I don't listen to them I don't even know I heard of them

But I know them Okay The name got little in it And that bugs me Little Ozy Vert Migos just Changed your name to Original name

Little Wayne was first And then everybody else is little Been with Tupac and Big E They had their own names It's original name Yeah He went Little

Because there was already a Too short Who is The little person there And That fucking What was that Fuck

I don't know anybody Who was that guy Bushwick Bill Bush, yeah No, he didn't even say little No, he was Bushwick Bill He said where he was from Well, you know

These millennials are sensitive Okay, I would say overrated Being informed Is overrated Absolutely I am off social media I don't read this shit anymore I post my shit on there

But I'm done Like, oh, I fucking took a picture Of this thing today This is the classic Classic It's gonna take forever To turn my phone on So I'm just gonna have to keep going

Classic Fucking Like a joke When you forgot the punchline You just keep repeating the setup Oh, yeah Shit is crazy Shit is crazy

Shit is crazy We used to say When white comics were lost In their act They'd look down and be like Yeah, yeah, so What else is going on? Black comics

Shit is crazy Yeah, shit is crazy out here You're a good looking crowd Give yourselves a round of applause For coming out tonight Give it up for the ladies All the strong women in the crowd They're always strong

Women are always strong I used to do that So I wouldn't bomb early Like, in black rooms Like, I'll just go give it up For the ladies And compliment the crowd enough So they'll give me at least

30 more seconds Not to boo me What's the hardest room you ever did? Sweet cheeks Sweet cheeks Back to sweet cheeks It's not even I don't even think it's like

It's just a fucking place To go pick up $200 What was it, $250 back there? Oh, yeah That was literally like Fighting Mike Tyson It's just like, all right If I can survive around

I get my fucking purse All right This is something that somebody tweeted today About that pipe bomb that went off In the Port Authority I'm uninformed When did this happen? Yeah, fortunately nobody died

They said there was non-life-threatening injuries But that doesn't mean somebody Didn't lose an eye or fucking hearing Or something A bomb went off on 23rd Street Right by Gotham Comedy Club And they closed the street off I thought you were going to do a joke

No So-and-so just got off stage When I got there The street was closed off And I actually asked the cop But I told the cop I have a spot I didn't give a fuck about

I just wanted to do my spot This is what this fucking jerk-off tweets About the Port Authority bomb He goes, I have no idea What's going on at the Port Authority But it was chaotic And I didn't stay to find out So you have no idea what's going on

But we had to find out How you felt about what you did know was happening Who gives a fuck what you did? People down there hurt you fucking asshole This is what I can't stand I'll be an old man here About young people now Nobody cares about every fucking thought

In your stupid fucking head Were you there? Did you see what happened? Do you have any information? I have no idea what's going on at Port Authority But it was chaotic And I didn't stay to find out And then there's going to be a thousand fucking people going

So happy you're okay Yeah, exactly People just want to I didn't know so many people wanted to be known No, all these fucking people You know why all these fucking people on social media It's like they have their own TV show And they're acting like celebrities

Self-involved fucking celebrities As opposed to cool ones like us The one who's acting like a skill set Sorry, sorry Last one, here we go How do I tell the truth? Hey Bill Well, I've been thinking with my dick

I recently downloaded the popular hookup app Tinder And I've been using it to fish for some action With some college chicks in my area I'm pretty good looking And I'm not bad with chicks So I've had moderate success I recently found this one chick in my area Who is

Oh, pre-med Is that all one word? P-R-E-M-E-D Okay, thank you I was like, I knew I was dumb I didn't think I was that fucking dumb You know what's funny? That fucking guy who said

Who I was telling the story about Funny how things going in and out of your ass He just sent me a text I recently found this chick in my area Who's pre-med I really like spending time with her And we have the same sense of humor And political beliefs

And she has an excellent body and face In short, she's pretty close to my ideal girl However, there's one problem I'm in high school and she has no idea Fuck, fuck this guy Fuck this guy, dude Dude, you're a legend You should be giving me advice

I have dodged most of her questions About the classes I take And where I couldn't dodge, I lied Oh, Jesus We haven't done anything physically But she made it clear She is interested in me I'm in deep bill

How do I tell her without her hating me? Do I have to tell her? I just fucking tell her Just say, listen I don't want to go to a physical level Without fucking telling you the truth I'm still in high school I really liked you

I would have told you sooner But I was afraid you weren't going to like me Just do that Put it out on the table If she tells you to go fuck yourself Fine But you've learned a very valuable lesson with women Which I wish somebody taught me

Way back in my teen years Just tell them the truth What are we doing? I want to fuck you I have no intention of having a relationship with you Okay? Most will walk away Some won't

But you can literally leave your fucking car Out in the front of your house And it will never be keyed None of your shit will be lit on fire Yeah, you gotta be honest, yeah Yes That's why when I see guys who I forgot my train of thought

But honesty is always the best policy Because you don't have to worry about People getting mad and doing crazy shit to you Dude, it works with cops too Cops and women, nobody lies Gets lied to more than those two And when you actually come with the truth Even if they don't like the truth

It kind of is like Yeah You might not get a ticket That's probably why Patrice went to the fire That no one, no one We didn't get in trouble Yeah Because he was fucking honest about what happened

Dude, I'm gonna try I fucking bang this U-turn Right? And Friday as I did This fucking cop got out of his car And as I'm pulling up and thinking Ah, maybe he didn't see it And he's just coincidentally getting out

And he walks right up to my window He goes, let me see a driver's license of registration He's like, yeah, fuck He goes, uh He goes, you know why I'm asking for that? And I was like, yeah And he goes, why? I go, because I just made an illegal U-turn

And he goes, why did you do that? I go, because I'm impatient I didn't want to wait in that line in there And he's just laughed And he goes, do you want me to give you Would you want me to give you a ticket? I said, no, but I'm not gonna lie to you And he laughed again

He goes, all right, get out of here I said, you're awesome Right And that was it Then other times, I've told the truth And like, all the way to the point Is this your current address? And I said, no

And the guy wrote me up for everything And my fucking address And I was like, this motherfucker He's trying to get fucking cop of the month That guy did that in Western New York All right, we're out of time Harris Yes

So great to see you You too, man Once again, your album My comedy album is coming out It's out already It's out right now on iTunes Amazon and Google Play And anywhere else that you can get comedy

Anywhere else And the name of the album is? Naive Innocence Okay, I almost said Google Alert Is where you can get it Like, I don't know what the fuck anything is All right, thank you so much for stopping by Thank you for being on the podcast

Appreciate it And everybody, I forgot to mention here We got a couple of benefit stuff here Santa Steve The great Steve Simone And regular hero Are raising money again this year For children fighting cancer

And their families That's worded really weird They're fighting cancer And the families of the children fighting cancer Isn't that weird? They're raising money again this year For children fighting cancer And their families

These kids are fighting cancer And their own families The children and their families fighting cancer Monday morning podcast listeners Helped to raise 15 grand last month And it had a huge impact On a lot of families The stories are brutal

And every bit helps We're gonna save you the fucking stories, okay? The goal this year is to raise 50 grand We're gonna tweet a link Thank you so much in Ahead of time If you got anything to give And also, here's some dates that got coming up

I'm gonna be at the Hard Rock Live In Hollywood, Florida December 14th December 16th The Bob Carr Theater In Orlando, Florida February 2nd The Reno Ballroom, Reno, Nevada

February 20th The Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit The sixth annual Makes a great Christmas gift Get a pair of tickets to that Tickets have been going fast It's a great benefit raising money For Patrice's mom and loved ones

Thank you guys so much Go fuck yourselves And I'll check in on you on Thursday That's from now on Boredom for recipes that are delicious, easy and cheap For those of you who don't like something else Or love classics Oh yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese

With a lot of meat Download the Maide Lijse app And cook with it Yeah, great The Lijse With the Cleven